#ive never felt so uncomfortable by a video game and im just watching someone play it.

[mochapanda]

dude why did no one mention that the story of it takes two is a divorcing couple psychologically tormenting their daughter by brutually murdering her childhood toys

[shhhlikeme]

I ALMOST NEVER SEE ANYONE WRITE ABOUT ARAN SO IM JUMPING IN- ;-; Can I ask for his girl helping him relieve some stress, massaging him and his hands then just a nice cuddle session after..? also Ive been shy to hop in but hi you're pretty and Id love to be friends with you ;-;

UMMM A BIG ACCOUNT LIKE YOURS THAT JUST REACHED 1.25K followers (congrats beb!!) peeps my work ?? And compliments me + gave me my first Aran requestttt ?!

*faints*

I feel like this is a proposal and the answer is YES boo 💍🥰 friendssss 🥺🤗

Anyway I hope you like it newest friend💞

————————————

Some Aran Ojiro x Reader Romance 😩🌹

————————————

you and your boyfriend Aran haven’t been able to see eachother much in the past year at all

He just made the Japan National Team which meant he was practicing and travelling all the time

You two keep up with nightly Facetime dates every night which is great but he almost always falls asleep on you in the first 20 minutes

sleepy muffin that we love so much

You don’t blame him considering his training regimen.

When he wakes up he’s literally talking your ear off apologizing because he feels like a shit boyfriend for falling asleep every time

“I did it again and I know you say it’s fine but it’s not. I’m so sorry Y/N. When I get home, I promise I’ll make it up to you baby girl, I promise. Have a great day Queen and remember I’ll be home to spoil you in 10 days. You’re not ready. I love you! Peace!”

As you lay in your empty bed the next morning, you just smile at the video of him apologizing to you while he is running around his hotel room to get ready for morning practice

Your man works so hard but he never fails to make sure he’s the first thing you see when you wake up and the last person you see before you fall asleep. It’s endearing

He is super super busy being a professional athlete but that doesn’t stop him from making you feel special in the little and big ways

Sometimes, he orders you breakfast or dinner from your favourite brunch or sushi spot that you two like to go to so that he can put a smile on your face when he’s travelling

All he asks in return is a cute selfie of you in your pjs and messy bun with the food and that is the only thank you he needs

Seriously send it though or he’ll spam your phone lol

Can I tell you a funny story related to your mans sweet foodie gestures?

Okay so One random night last weekend.....

You heard a knock on the door of your condo and you quickly paused your Netflix movie to dust the popcorn crumbs off Aran’s t-shirt you were wearing

You opened the door excitedly thinking it might be another Uber Eats surprise from your boyfriend but instead you see a grumpy looking Osamu standing in the delivery guys place

“Your boyfriend is annoying.” Osamu deadpanned as he glanced at you once before letting himself in.

“Uh, Nice to see you.....too, Osamu-san.”

Samu murmured something in response grumpily and went over to your kitchen island to place down a large brown paper bag.

“Stupid professional volleyball playing friend and brother,” He muttered under his breath. You watched him take out lots of food from his restaurant from your spot by the door, by the look (and amazing smell) of it the bag was packed with all your favourites. You were thrilled even though the grey haired boy in your kitchen wasn’t.

“Look at me! I’m Aran. My stupid Uber Eats app won’t work from mutant-spider Australia so instead of just chilling like a normal person I call and beg my very handsome and very successful restaurant-owner friend to make my girlfriend all her favourite dishes and drive them over in the middle of a rain storm. A rain storm!”

You held your ground back at the door (knowing good and well not to get in the way of Samu when he was in one of his signature bitchy moods) as a smile crept on your face. It felt like someone was squeezing your heart as you watched Osamu comfortably rummage through your cabinets and find your dishes. He plated your food beautifully like the professional chef he is, all while mumbling angrily under his breath about his quote unquote “Simp of a best friend.”

When he was done with the food, Osamu also pulled out a bottle of your favourite wine from his restaurant that only Aran knows about and poured you a glass perfectly, swaying the liquid around first to make sure it was rich. Satisfied but still annoyed, Osamu cleaned his restaurant’s paper bag contents away and then walked over to your spot on the couch to take a handful of popcorn. Still a grump, he met you back at the door.

Samu looked down at you with the irritated expression you’ve become accustomed to over the years.

“Aran also told me to give you this.” He deadpanned before leaning down to kiss the top off your head then left. You smiled, unable to stop bubbling over in giggles because you knew Aran just added that to annoy his affection-challenged best friend. You poked your head out to the hallway of your condo building, seeing Osamu’s retreating figure you sang:

“Thank you, Samuuuuuu! 🎶”

Effectively adding to his annoyance just like your boyfriend would have wanted you to.

Without looking back, Osamu just lifted up a cool peace sign that your boyfriend and the two brothers were notorious for.

That trio, man.

dinner that night was the best you’ve had in forever

Not only was it delicious but

You realized that very night that your boyfriend was the most remarkable human in the world and you didn’t deserve him

You checked your phone as you sipped your wine because you received several texts from your boy asking where his picture of you eating is and also asking how funny Samu’s reaction was

You giggled as you read the text and then you had an idea! 💡

You put down your phone and quickly changed into some lacy lingerie for the picture:

Your boyfriend always asked for simple ‘rates PG’ pics because he loved to see you bare faced and wearing his big clothes. It was so cute to him.

he would make each new picture you sent his two backgrounds on his phone and he relished in the fact that you were so beautiful when you didn’t try

You knew this, but you also knew that your man deserved a little ‘sumn sumn’ for making tonight so special for you 😉

You put on a little sultry makeup to go with your sexy number and went back to the kitchen to your food and wine

You took a much sexier picture than he would ever expect

Actually you chose to send him a boomerang:

one of your hair slightly disheveled and your tits basically out despite the lacy cover. You pressed the wine glass to your red lips and winked in the boomerang, wiggling your hips ever so seductively

•••

in a luxurious hotel in Australia, your stunning boyfriend just finished his shower in his hotel room

He dried his face with a towel and opened his iMessage app on his phone... effectively ignoring the:

“🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼it’s done.🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼”

text from his best friend Osamu and clicking your name instead

Aran swiped left on his phone hoping to see another cute picture of his girlfriend being sent to him that makes his day the brightest but what he actually sees instead almost makes him drop his phone out of his wet hands

No Deadass he almost dropped it! it slipped out of his hands 4 times

His heart beating because of his phone but mostly because you were the finest woman he’s ever seen, he replays your sexy boomerang 30 times, literally engraving every detail about you into his mind. If his teammates weren’t so nosy he’d love to make what you just sent him his background on his phone......but that wouldn’t work

He really treasured you and what you sent though. For Aran, the next 9 days at this Global Tournament could not go by fast enough.

Aran’s never asked for naughty pictures from you not once because he doesn’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, but seeing that you did it on your own, of course it made him want to skip his National game tomorrow just to fly back and make love to you all night then rub your back the way you like until you fell asleep

Mans is in LOVE, you feel me?

He wanted to show you just how treasured you are for sticking by his side through all this travelling shit. He wanted you to always know you were his queen even if he was miles away

So, by you sending this sexy Boomerang and treating him like a King even though you didn’t have to, your man fell even harder for you

He had so much planned when he came home like always: spoil you with a shopping trip with your girls, a romantic spa trip for you both and a trip to the amusement park, but it seemed so far away now

Frowning, Aran texted you back a paragraph telling you how beautiful you are and how lucky he was to have you in his life for a plethora of reasons

He Facetime’d you for the expected classic 20 minutes while you wore that lingerie BUT he actually stayed up for 36 minutes because he was fighting sleep like a damn boxer. He wanted to see you... but of course his fatigue got the better of him and he fell asleep with a big smile on his face because you whispered goodnight

•••

the next day, after sleeping in, Aran woke up for his first tournament game and did all of his pre-game rituals which included calling you, and his best friends Kita & the twins.

He proceeded to his 6:00pm game as planned in the grand court of Sydney.

Aran sweetly signed autographs and Jerseys with his name on it that fans and little kids eagerly presented to him before and after the game that they had won.

“Mr. Ran’! Mr. ‘Ran! Volleybwall is my most favouritest sport to pway , too! Can I have hug???” Asked a particularly bouncy little African-Australian girl in the crowd. Aran glances at the dad for permission and upon granting Aran nodded kindly and picked up the toddler so she was propped up on his hip. The girl wrapped her miniature arms around the big volleyball star’s neck and squeezed tightly. Aran chuckled in his deep voice, exclaiming an “Ow! You’re a strong one, aren’t you? A future Ace for sure.” The little girl gasped at her idols words and hugged him harder. The dad had to literally rip her out of Ojiro’s arms because she didn’t want to let go.

“Don’t break the volleyball player, honey. They’re sore.” Said the father to his daughter.

Aran reached in his gym bag to collect a clean tournament shirt from his bag and handed it to the hysterically crying little girl. “Sore is an understatement. But....here, ‘future Ace.’ When you make the National Women’s Team and I’m the one at one of your games, maybe you can give it back to me.”

The little girl’s whole life was made as she immediately stopped crying and smiled widely, hugging the shirt close to her chest as if it might disappear if she let go.

Because he was a teddy bear and wanted to sign as many kids memorabilia as possible, plus give the youth encouraging messages....Aran usually stayed an hour or two later than the other players after their away games. Telling his teammates to go on ahead back to their hotel without him

HE’S PERFECT 😩

Sore as hell and more tired than ever after his big games, he picked up his phone to call you on his way back to the hotel

He loved hearing your voice it was so soothing to him

No answer. He tried 5 times.

Thinking you were probably working hard from home, Ojiro dragged his feet past the hotel concierge and used all of his slumped body weight to push open the door to his hotel room.

He didn’t remember it being this dark in here or even shutting off the lights when he left, but being too tired to care he dropped his huge bag on the floor, gripping his aching shoulder as he took one step to the right to flip on the lights

When he did, he had to rub his sleepy eyes because he couldn’t believe what he saw

“Y-Y/N?!”

Standing in the middle of his hotel room, you smiled brightly and ran to your boyfriend, wrapping your legs around his waist in a koala hug. You wore that lacy number you used in the picture you sent him last night. Your man stumbled back from the impact and overall surprise but once he was stable he hugged you back tightly.

“Oh my God, you look incredible, what-what are you doing here?!” He asked, still in disbelief.

You pecked his lips and jumped down. “After last night I missed you so much. So I just called into work, booked a 9-hour direct flight and now I’m here! I’m staying for the rest of the tournament. Hi, handsome!!!!” You had so much happiness and light in your eyes that it literally woke up your boyfriend by contentment, even though he was just on the verge of collapsing on his bed from fatigue minutes ago.

He grabbed your face softly in his large hands and tilted your head up towards his to give you a proper kiss, letting you know how happy he was through the kiss.

You pulled away. “Whoa! Someone’s happy to see me!” You poked his tummy.

“An understatement—Wait, what is that?” Finally looking away from your face for the first time since he entered his room, Aran looked behind you in awe. There was a rather large massage table set up in the centre of his suite.

“Oh, that old thing?!” You questioned playfully as you jogged over to the big table and showcased it with your hands like a Wheel of Fortune prize girl. “I tried to book a massage for you for tomorrow because I know you always forget, but they were all booked obviously so I just asked the guy downstairs—after name dropping you—if they could bring this up and they had no problem with it!”

Aran looked at you incredulously so you continued. “Lay down, babe. I know you must be sore after your game. I ordered food for you too but they said it will be up here in an hour and a half. So, I’ll get out some of your kinks now, we’ll eat, and then I can massage you more until you fall asleep.”

Aran couldn’t believe this was happening.

“But you just got off a flight, Y/N! You must be tired, too! I couldn’t possibly—“

You gave your boyfriend your best Osamu impression with your seriously annoyed frown. “Aran. You do everything in your power to make sure that I’m feeling more than amazing every single day even when you are halfway across the world. So now since I’m a mere halfway across the room, I want to do this for you. Please. Let me return the favour.”

Feeling too tired to bicker and knowing you meant business, your big man gave in. He removed his shirt when you asked and settled face down on the comfortable table.

You put on some soft r&b and took out the essential oils you bought from the spa and began to give your man a sensual but remarkable rub down, taking immense care in soothing his muscle pain in his legs and back

You listened for his groans when you reached particularly sensitive spots on his back and spent a lot more time in those areas

When you were massaging his shoulders you made sure to lean down every few minutes to kiss the side of his neck and Aran would sigh in delight every time.

“Y/N. I know you want to get all of my kinks out and trust me this feels amazing, but, if you keep kissing me dressed like that I’ll stop this massage to make love to you on this table. Okay?”

You giggled and smacked his booty.

“Kay.” 😇

When the food came, you and Aran opted to sit on the couch and eat, feeding eachother and kissing and just being all cute n shit—🙄

A/N: Can you tell how jealous I am?

After dinner and your night routines, you told your baby to give you his hands in bed.

you lotioned them in between your smaller ones and gave him a long, much desired, kneading hand massage in the pitch black room until he was on the verge of falling asleep.

“I love you, Y/N.” whispered Ojiro, his deep voice slower because he was half asleep. “Please be here when I wake up....” He whispered before succumbing to a deep slumber.

You stopped your massage, kissed both of his hands and cuddled into his warm body.

“I’ll be here when you wake up, Aran.” You closed your eyes too, feeling sleep wash over you as well.... “I’ll always be here.”

[whosaskingwrites]

The Sound Of Love (Tsukishima x Reader)

A/N: Um I don't like this one as much as the others but I did my best. It honestly took forever cause I didn't want to write it and I had no idea what song to use but I eventually decided so here we are.

WARNINGS: angst

Date: Saturday November 7th, 2020

Details: 5.3 pages 2,000 words

Theme: Musicalia- The victim will hear a song constantly playing in their head until it drives them insane. The person of affection will only hear the music when they are around the victim.

Angst Masterlist

Clair De Lune

A simple, beautiful piano melody that had been repeating in my head for weeks. There was never a reprieve from the beautifully haunting melody. My mind followed the sound like a moth to a flame and deteriorated the closer it got to the music.

No amount of holding my hands over my ears stopped it. It had become a part of me like the backround music in a video game or movie. However this wasn't a video game or a movie this was real. Every day was the same never a rest I couldn't even sleep some nights.

This was my last week at Karasuno before I was put in the hospital. My mind was too far gone to stay out I couldn't really hear anything anymore to distracted by the music and of course I hummed it on occasion. Everyone in my classes knew I had it...Musicalia but they didn't know who caused it.

Monday

I walked to class with a sigh Yamaguchi was following and as we walked I heard a gentle piano melody that got louder. I spotted a familiar H/c haired girl fast walking past me like she'd done since I pushed her away. Yamaguchi followed my eyesight and the music faded the further away she got "you should apologize you know. This week is her last at Karasuno," I blinked 'her last week?' I thought "Shut up Yamaguchi," I said keeping my emotions off my face "Sorry Tsukki," I continued watching the S/c skinned female rush off down the hall.

Tuesday

I was walking up to the roof ready to reject another girl. Why they felt the need to confess to me of all people id never understand. As I rounded the corner someone ran into me and with a short shriek they fell. I was about to say something when I noticed who it was...Y/n she looked paler than I remembered and eye bags were prevalent on her face. I heard the piano again it was louder than ever.

"Do you need to listen to music that loud?" I asked though it was harsher than intended. Her eyes widened and I held back a frown as I saw she was afraid. "S-sorry," she stood up quickly and ran off down the hall the music fading the further she got and I watched 'why was she afraid of me?' My eyes caught something on the floor which I turned to. Picking it up I realized it was a simple gold bracelet with a dinosaur charm on it.

"This is...," It was the bracelet id given her three years ago on her birthday. It was still in perfect condition looking like it did on the day I'd given it to her and it caused a small smile to pull at my lips as I pocketed the familiar bracelet.

Wednesday

Everytime I spotted the e/c eyed female in the hallway and approached her she would turn and run the music following her. Nobody ever seemed bothered by the piano it was almost like they didn't hear it and Y/n was never wearing headphones when it was playing. "Does she ever stop listening to that song?" I mumbled to myself as she ran away yet again.

"What song?" Yamaguchi asked next to me I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at him. "What do you mean what song? That damn piano music she's always listening to it's annoying," I said and Yamaguchi’s eyes widened "Tsukki...She's not listening to any music...," He stated.

I blinked as I processed what that meant "No ive heard it-," Yamaguchi cut me off before I could continue he had a sad look in his eyes and as he spoke I realized why. "She's got Musicalia Tsukki...," He whispered as he looked at me. "She...She what?" I asked. "She's got Musicalia and if you can hear it that means...," my own eyes widened as I realized what he was implying. "Oh...,"

Thursday

Cornering someone who was avoiding you was much more difficult than you'd think. Everytime I ended up even in the same room as her she ran before I could even get near her. "Yamaguchi," I stated causing him to jump. "Yeah?" He nervously asked. "Can you convince Y/n to meet you on the roof?" I asked. He didn't ask any questions he just nodded mumbling a quiet yeah as the teacher walked in the room.

I stood on the roof looking out towards the gym. I heard footsteps come around the corner and stop before they slowly started backing away. "Can you stop running? I need to talk to you," I said. The footsteps stopped and I turned around. Y/n stood a few feet away nervously shuffling on her feet.

"When were you gonna tell me?" I asked and she sighed "Preferably never," She answered and I furrowed my eyebrows. "Never? This could kill you!" I took a step toward her while she took one back "So what?" She spit bitterly rasing her head up to glare. "So what? So everything!" I shouted.

"So everything? You dont even fucking like me! You made that pretty clear last year!" She yelled back. She was referencing an argument that I barely remembered and that she hadn't forgotten. "Do you even know what its like to have your heart crushed in seconds!?" She screamed. "You still should have told me you have Musicalia!" I glared back. 

She just gave me a bitter smile "I suppose my dear this was how it was meant to be," she stretched her arms out as she spoke and tears dripped down her face at a slow pace. "You dying isn't how it's supposed to be!" She only shook her head in response. I stuck my hand in my pocket and pulled out the bracelet. "Here...just take this back," I said holding it out. She walked forward and I heard that gentle and haunting music get louder.

She stopped closing my hand around the bracelet and leaning up to press a kiss against my cheek. "Keep it I won't have a use for it much longer," she mumbled before turning and walking off. "Y/n!" She stopped but didn't turn around and I continued speaking. "I love you," she sighed and turned her head. The sunset cast her in an ethereal glow and sparkled off the remaining tears on her face.

She gave a sad, watery smile in response. "No you don't Tsukki. If you did...You would have come back to me a lot sooner," she turned and left I knew she was right but god it hurt to hear her say that. My hand was still tightly closed around the bracelet the metal uncomfortably warm against my skin as she walked away from me.

Friday

She avoided me even more. I never saw her but I heard the music following around on occasion. After yesterday I had looked for the melody finally hearing it long enough to search for it. The results had told me the song was Clair De Lune I should have known. It was Y/n's favorite song though I doubted she liked it now.

I had tried to find her when I heard the music but even if I followed it I never found her. I was walking toward my locker keeping an ear out for that melody. As I opened the locker a f/c envelope fell out as I picked it up I noticed it was sealed with a gold wax stamp. Flipping it over my name was written on the front in flowing cursive. I put it away in my bag before heading to practice.

I flipped the envelope around in my hand staring at it before sighing. I pulled open the envelope and slipped the contents out. The first was a photo of me, Y/n, and Yamaguchi we were standing in the park in the photo. Y/n and Yamaguchi had their arms over eachothers shoulders while I stood in the background glaring towards the camera.

The other thing was a letter that I was hesitant to flip open. I knew the letter was from Y/n but I for the first time felt afraid on what she had to say. Sighing I opened the letter ready to read it.

Dear Kei,

It's been awhile hasn't it? Though That's what happens after fights. You give each other time to calm down and then you come back. Only this time...There is no coming back. You already know I have Musicalia and I'm sure you know I love you. It's weird to write that to someone you know doesn't love you.

Don't lie either. You don't love me the way I love you. You may think you do but if you had we would have been friends again by now. But you were perfectly content with not having me in your life so I know you'll be fine when I'm actually gone.

That's the issue isn't it? I'll be gone soon really, truly...gone. I'm not afraid knowing my death is approaching im...content and at peace with it. My death won't be glorious. I'm not going out with a bang. Or any final inspirational words. I'll go quietly in my sleep hopefully. Sleep however is hard when there's music constantly playing on loop in your head.

When I'm gone Kei...Will you visit me? Tell me about your day or the volleyball team! Yamaguchi told me about the team you should go easier on them. You should also learn from them you know? Anyways if you ever can't make it to me...Play Clair De Lune and I'll go to you! I'll listen to you talk at your place instead of you coming to mine!

I'm sure you know by now that this is my goodbye letter. Don't act so suprised of course I want to say goodbye to you. You're important to me you should know that. I've written this for awhile but I wanted it to be a good final goodbye since its immortalized forever in a letter. If you share this with anyone I'll kill you by the way. Even in death I still have a reputation. Anyway...

Goodbye Kei

I love you

—Y/n L/n

A month had passed since she said goodbye I moved forward even though it hurt to not see her around school. It almost felt like she moved but that imagine was ruined whenever I visited her grave. "Hey Tsukki I didn't know you liked dinosaurs!" I sighed in irritation my eyes flicking towards Kuroo who was pointing at my wrist.

"Wow that's cool!" Bokuto joined in and my eyes drifted to the golden bracelet around my wrist. "It's not mine," I stated drinking my water. "Whos is it?" Akaashi asked and I sighed again. "My friend Y/n’s...She's gone now and I'd rather not talk about it," I said standing up and heading back to the net. None of them said anything more about it and I was grateful for that.

Later that night I closed my eyes and played the song that I had grown very familiar with. It was quiet except for the soft melody playing through my headphones. While my eyes were closed I felt the familiar pressure on my body like someone was laying on my chest. If I listened through my headphones close enough I could almost hear her soft voice humming the song. 

I knew in my brain it was impossible but for now I let my heart believe that it was her. I talked quietly about anything and everything that came to mind. The team was sleeping so I knew I could talk freely most of them slept like they were in a coma. I sighed as I reached the end of my story before I spoke once more.

"I miss you Y/n,"

————————————————————————

TAGLIST: @wonhomarshmallow

[plainvanillapotato]

the 100 diaries S1 E8

quarantine diaries: may 24 2020

season 1 episode 8: “Day Trip”

i did not know that the actor that played bellamy is half-filipino. that made my day! pinoy pride!

that headbutt. btw miller and the grounder i laughed out loud

WINTER IS COMING! any other GoT fans out there? 

clarke a gamer? she out here with a headset and gaming chair? she’s using discord isnt she lol no wait she using the master of online video communication not skype but zoom.

dax really looks like the actor that plays luke in that horrid percy jackson live-action movie. (i pray to god that this new live-action with disney+ does not fuck up this beautiful story like they did with the films) that’s a pretty compelling deal tho. i would take it. i would do anything for my mom. but i know that bellamy has plot armor so im not to worried about this guy

the camp is really coming along these little stations are cute. also monty and jasper’s handshake is everything to me. very good for social distancing :) does anyone have a gif of that?

finn really does not deserve raven. why is he still so caught up on clarke? because like clarke said they barely know each other :| those longing glances between clarke and finn oooof and with raven in close proximity :| i cringe. ive never felt so uncomfortable in my live expect while watching scott’s tots. somebody tell me how much longer of this misery i have to endure..

when bellamy said “a lot can happen in a day” really this shows a lot within one episode. its a lot to take in. like i thought weeks had past but when raven mentioned in the other episode how only 10 days had passed i spit out my drink. bitch waht. like so much shit happened like jasper gets speared (thought it was an instant kill but miraculously it was not and he got better real quick), atom dies, charlotte kills wells, charlotte kills herself (tho we don’t see her body and you know how tv shows and movies love to pull that shit about you can’t be sure someone is dead unless you see their dead body), murphy is almost hanged but then is just banished...just to mention a few things.

LINCOLN. the grounders name is lincoln like the president? this is a lot to unpack. of all the names. he really don’t look like a lincoln tho. but I can’t believe that octavia really apologized to him for how she reacted when he chained her up. seriously that was not okay. listen to the guy when he says that he is the enemy 

also what is the deal between jasper and octavia is that ship just gone now?

octavia why you gotta stir the pot like that bringing up clarke and finn to raven. that was dirty but good for raven taking the high ground. did not expect that.

woah ‘day trip’ has more than one meaning. i did not expect a high episode from this show at all. the whole group is trippin balls. WOW i love this show.

the glowsticks (found when clarke and bellamy go to that place where they find the guns) ok you know its gonna be a good scene when they break out those glow sticks. reminds me of that one scene in spy kids

GuNs! bellamy’s smile at 16:45 he’s a little too happy. like a kid on a sugar rush

bellamy is definitely catching feelings for clarke. that shoulder touch. that head shake/hair flip. and she definitely checked him out too

bellamy’s hallucination *sad face* 

go octavia! saves yours mans even tho i really don’t think you should. way to take initiative and have some agency for once in your life. this drug thing is very convenient

THEY KISS! ummmmm i do not ship it. the guy literally chained her up and she instantly forgave him. i don’t even like octavia but i think she deserves better

*intense stares between finn and lincoln* did finn really not recognize him as the grounder or did he assume he be another kid trippin

bellamy and clarke saving each other. protecting each other. that talk after bellamy killed dax. ok i kind of see that as a zutara moment.

also did bellamy use a bullet shell to stab the guy in the neck. resourceful king. but i dont think that bullet shells are sharp enough to do that

can we also talk about how majority of on screen death we see are not because of gun shots but neck wounds: wells, atom, and now dax. literally jasper had a spear go through him. now he is fine. jaha was shot. now he is fine. i guess dwight really wasn’t lying when he said that necks are the greatest weakness of people

GUNS GUNS GUNS! bellamy and clarke really came back to camp slinging guns and said fuck it let the grounders come. I love this american trope where having a gun = invincibility/safety 

oooh yes clarke you tell finn off! you deserve better. how much longer is this ship gonna last because its annoying me.

they really killed off another POC (jeff epstien style) smh. fuck ok. and i called it! did not trust diana at all.

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

control [jeremy h. x squipped!reader] pt.3

did you know that tumblr no longer has those lil.. lines that i liked to separate my notes from my fic with? i didnt. until now. unbelievable.

SO NOW I HAVE TO SUPPLY MY OWN and hopefully this is fine

anyway. ive been... dead for a while. summer destroyed all motivation to do Anything, but ive been forcing myself to write on and off and this part feels... shorter than it should be, but

anyway! i am alive! i have plans! i have things to write! some of them are never going to be on this blog bc theyre original works, but im always open to talk abt them skdfhdsfh

warnings: uhhhhhhh vague manipulation, and i think thats it? just general. squip. yea.

         The last time you had seen Michael Mell as a friend had been the beginning of sophomore year. He and Jeremy sat on either side of you in his basement, clutching controllers and halfheartedly playing video games. Soda went untouched and unopened, snacks left alone, and too many times had Jeremy lost on games he knew like the back of his hand. The air had been stiff and uncomfortable, and the feeling had seeped into your nerves and bones to make your stomach turn at the thought of staying longer. Jeremy wasn’t quite there, and Michael was trying too hard to be extra present to make up for it. He became doting on the two of you - quick to refill a snack bowl that had barely been touched with Jeremy following him out of the basement. That was when you found your phone and called your parents, asking if they could come pick you up - bullshitting some excuse about how you felt sick. When Michael came down, he saw you packing up your things with a half-assed apology and a shitty acting job before you tore up the stairs and nearly rammed into Jeremy in the process. Your chest had tightened as you pushed past him with a quick apology and went to wait on the front steps outside for your mom to come get you.

          That had been the beginning of the end. After that day, Jeremy had slowly stopped talking to you almost completely. Michael had tried to patch things up, to keep things going, and then he just stopped abruptly. To make things worse, you had broken down at school a few weeks after everything went silent, because you’d been alone. You wiped at your face roughly with the sleeve of your hoodie, and left the bathroom. Barely seconds after you had turned the corner to head to class, you ran straight into him - headphones on and head down - only for his gaze to find yours the moment you stumbled back. He opened his mouth to speak, and you stumbled through a rough, shitty apology before you pushed past him and onward to your class. And then you avoided him purposefully, not wanting to address that little moment of weakness you had.

          And now you were sitting in front of him, eyes red and tears streaming down your cheeks as you struggled to find your voice. Your back pressed into cold metal, the lockers clanging behind you as you pulled away and tried to say something, anything to explain yourself. But Michael just stared at you, uncertain about what to say to you. Your legs were like stone, almost as if something was keeping you from darting away, from finding a safer place to land and cry and get over the tears forced from your body.

          “[y/n]?” Michael finally said, still staring at you. The lights overhead gleamed off his glasses and headphones as he pulled them down and around his neck, music loud enough for you to hear. He gave you a quick once-over, his attention now fully on you. “You okay?”

          You went to nod only for another sob to overtake you instead. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” you admitted after a moment, voice shaking and broken. And it was sort-of true.

          “Are you sure?” He said, “hey, I, uh, I know I sorta stopped talking to you and that was kinda shitty but... I’m still here if you need someone to talk to, alright?” After a moment, he tacked on another thought, “do you need a ride home?”

         Immediately, you didn’t want to say yes. It didn’t feel right to. But you’re already nodding before you can debate anything further. “Yeah,” you said slowly at first, reaching up and wiping at your eyes. Realization hit you quick. Your bag. “Shit.”

         “What’s wrong?”

         “I, uh, kinda left my bag in the auditorium.” You hesitated to step away - you didn’t really want to go back and make an excuse to leave, to let anyone see you with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. “Michael... can you-”

         “On it,” he gave you a small, two-finger salute, “I’ll be back in a sec!”

         As Michael took off down the hallway, you felt a pit develop in your stomach while he disappeared around the corner. Nothing felt right. You looked around for a moment, acutely aware of how silent everything had gone. When your SQUIP materialized in front of you, you avoided its gaze as you wrapped your arms tighter around yourself for a moment. The world felt a little colder, a little dimmer, and everything was off. The sound of Michael’s approaching footsteps minutes later played the steady beat for your incoming guilt-induced breakdown, and yet the boy smiled at you - as if nothing was wrong. Maybe that was because it looked like nothing was wrong. The strap of your bag was tossed over his shoulder, bouncing against his own backpack, and yet he looked at you like you were still friends.

        “Thanks,” you finally said as you reached for your bag.

        Michael stepped back, “I’ve got it,” he said with a smile, “don’t worry.”

       You let your arm fall back to your side, only to then shove your hands into your pockets. “Thanks,” you said, avoiding eye contact for a moment.

       The walk to Michael’s car was mostly quiet, with concerned glances thrown your way every now and then - that, when you caught then, were met with insecure smiles at the situation he’d been pulled into. Which.... frankly, threw you off a bit. Michael had always been the one who was better with all this feelings shit - you and Jeremy had the unhealthy habit of bottling everything up. And now Michael walked in step with you, still warm as ever - and still wearing that damn red hoodie you swore he showered in, but it still made you smile because of course Michael still took good care of it. When you hesitated for half a step upon seeing his P.T. Cruiser, he looked back at you before you shot him an uneasy smile and continued towards the passenger side. One of his moms must have given it to him - whether for his birthday or as a gift for passing his driver’s test, you weren’t sure. But the seats were still well-worn, a Pac-Man sticker stuck on the head-rest of the driver’s seat that Michael had stuck there when bored out of his mind. It was worn with age, like you’d expect it to be, but you suppressed a small smile at the fact it was still there.

      If the walk to Michael’s car had been quiet (with the occasional snippit of Michael saying something about how he still feels bad about what happened between the three of you, or about how he’s kinda sorry about the walk to the back of the parking lot) then the ride to your house was dead silent. Music flooded through the car speakers, Michael’s phone resting in your lap due to him pushing it in your direction and telling you to play whatever you want, and his attention was fully on the road - the sound of his phone’s GPS spitting out directions every so often to guide him. You watched out the window, a small sense of dread resting in your stomach the entire way, and for some reason... you felt sick.

      When the car started to roll to a stop, Michael reached up and turned the music down. “Hey, uh, you still have my number, right?”

      You blinked at him for a moment, before pulling out your phone. “I, uh, think so?” You opened your contacts, flipping through them, “I don’t think I deleted it or anything-”

      “Good,” he smiled at you, “if you ever wanna hang out, I’m, uh, pretty free since Jeremy’s busy with this whole.. play... thing.” He paused for a moment, only to follow it up quickly with “I mean if you aren’t doing anything, since - I dunno, you aren’t apart of the cast so-”

      “Okay,” you cut him off, “yeah, sure - I’m only painting the set for it, so... I’ll probably try to do that during lunch.”

      “I, uh,” he began, nodding towards your jacket, “I like your pin. Have you ever played the old shit?” When you shook your head, he was filled with excitement. “Dude. You have to come over then. I’ve got the classic Zelda stuff if you wanna play.”

      Running a hand through your hair, you just sort-of nodded in response as you opened the car door, swinging your bag over your shoulder. “Thanks for the ride, Michael.”

      You closed the car door, taking a few steps back as he pulled off and drove away, before you turned and head up to your house - pausing to notice your parent’s cars were missing. Right. Letting your bag fall down to your elbow, you began to fish through it to find your keys tucked away in the bottom of your bag, and you nearly sent the contents of your bag spilling when you went to pull it back to your shoulder. But with lightning reflexes that weren’t your own, you managed to snap into action and pull it shut before anything could spill - and when you looked up, your SQUIP was standing before you.

      Huh. “... Thank you?” You zipped your bag back up, letting yourself into your house.

      “You should stick to hanging out with Michael,” your SQUIP said, watching you head into your bedroom

      Dropping your backpack onto your bed, you shrugged at the idea as you began to search for your homework. “I mean, sure, he’s still a cool guy-”

      “Michael is close to Jeremy,” it said, as if the fact wasn’t obvious, “therefore, if you get closer to Michael, you’ll get closer to Jeremy.”

      You stopped. “Isn’t that using Michael?”

      “You were friends with him before. It’s rekindling your friendship that just so happens to mean you’ll rekindle something with Jeremy.” It said, “you aren’t manipulating him.”

      You shook your head, setting one binder down and searching for another. “I don’t really like this,” you said, “I don’t want do hurt Michael or anything-”

      “Why would you be hurting him by being friends with him?”

      Thinking it over, you finally nod a little. “... I guess you’re right,” you looked down at the textbook in your hands. “It just feels wrong-”

      “Don’t feel, [y/n],” it stepped beside you, turning your head to meet it’s steely gaze. “Just listen. I’m here to help you.”

      Reluctantly, you nod. “... Right.”

      So you did. The next day, Rich fell into step beside you - inviting you to stop acting like a loner and to sit with him and Jake and the rest of his friends. You debated taking him up on the offer for a moment, only to spot Michael sitting alone in a corner of the cafeteria. You declined immediately, not looking back as you crossed the room to join Michael. That became your routine - sliding into a seat near Michael, talking about video games and whatnot, and occasionally letting the topic slip to Jeremy as Michael had the habit of occasionally venting about the boy.

       “I mean,” he started one day, pointing a fork in your direction, “you remember how he is. He’s just... so in love with her,” he shook his head, “and, I mean, yeah, it’s Christine, but he could, y’know... not abandon me every day.”

      You nodded, “I’m sure he’s just blinded by his crush, Michael.”

      He nodded, stabbing into his burrito bowl, “I know...” He trailed off, looking away for a moment, “I just... he’s excited about this and - and that’s great! He’s actually sort-of talking to Christine!” He smiled back at you, “every time he talks about her, he gets that stupid look on his face. He practically has heart eyes, [y/n].” He paused for half a beat, “but... y’know, I can’t blame him. He keeps talking about how she’s been helping him with his lines, and that she’s so passionate about theatre...”

      You couldn’t help but smile a little at that. From your limited interactions with Christine, she seemed to be a complete sweetheart. No wonder Jeremy liked her.

      “In time, he’ll like you more.” It nudged it’s way in between your thoughts, “as long as you do what I tell you to. I’ve got a plan-”

      Resisting the urge to roll your eyes, you busied yourself with your lunch. “Sure, buddy.”

      The stern silence that responded to your tone spoke volumes. But like a knife through butter, Michael’s voice washed away the slight tension you’d begun to feel: “hey, do you still draw?”

      You perked up at the question, turning your full attention back to Michael, answering with a far-too chipper “yes!” You immediately forced yourself to calm down, “yeah, I, uh, I still do. My art’s changed a lot, though,” you kind-of smiled, “I have a, uh, pretty decent following online now. I’m just glad I get to do what I love.”

      Snagging his phone from his pocket, Michael went silent for a moment as he opened up his tumblr app. “There’s this artist that Jeremy and I discovered - they seem really fucking cool, dude, and they seem like someone you’d like-”

      And then you were met with your own artwork, tagged with your online alias, and you had to resist the urge to immediately spill that he’d found you online after you remade your account. You could feel your SQUIP’s fingers gripping your shoulder, and you bit your tongue as you nodded, giving some half-hearted answer about how they seem cool, sure, before wondering why it had stopped you from saying anything.

      You didn’t address it until later. Halfway through your homework, you looked up and pushed yourself away from your desk. “Hey.” You spoke aloud. 

      Within seconds, your SQUIP proceeded to materialize in front of you. “You’re speaking aloud-”

      “I know,” you said with a hand wave, “my parents are still out. What was up with that earlier?”

      “You shouldn’t go around saying things-”

      “But it’s Michael,” you refuted, “I trust him. Besides - wouldn’t telling him that get me closer to Jeremy?”

      It’s cold gaze made you shrink under pressure. “I have a plan. [y/n]. If you want to get Jeremy, you have to obey.”

      “What about what I want?” You forced yourself to stand your ground, staring at the figure before you, “what if I want to do things differently?”

      “You bought me for a reason.” It crossed its arms, watching you, “this is what you want, though. That’s why I’m here: to help you get what you want. And what you want is Jeremy. I’m going to help you get Jeremy, but I can’t do that if you don’t trust me, [y/n].”

      Pressing your lips together, you mustered up a weak nod. Right. “Sorry,” you finally said, “I just - I’m scared it’s not going to work.”

       “It will.” 

        When Michael invited you over the next day, you were more than happy to take him up on the offer. He began to reason it as well, Jeremy’s at play practice, before he ended up dropping the facade and admitting he still kind-of missed you and that it’d been a while since he’d kicked your ass at video games (and, fuck, the glimmer in his eyes when he said that was enough to make you agree, and you realized in that moment just how much you actually missed Michael). So he drove you to his house, letting you take complete control of the music, and then he left you in the basement to find any games you’d be interested in while he grabbed some snacks from the kitchen.

       While the two of you played, you talked idly when the situation would allow it. About anything. About everything. About trips Michael had taken with his moms, about his and Jeremy’s brand new Halloween tradition of watching horror movies - usually the shittier ones - and gorging on candy, about how your parents always seemed so busy (and almost immediately Michael offered up his house for whenever you didn’t want to be alone, and you melted a little at the offer). The entire time, the room felt too quiet, even among the conversation and the music of each game. At first, you thought it was because Jeremy was missing. Things didn’t feel right without him. But it hit you, right as you were laughing at something Michael said.

       “Hey!” Michael brightened up at his idea, “you should join us.” When you looked over, slightly confused, he continued, “the, uh, Halloween thing? You should join our marathon.” 

       You faltered for a moment, looking down at your controller. Your voice isn’t your own as you speak, saying some sort of confirmation that felt too distant for it to be you. The guilt built within you, as you pushed yourself to hide the feeling while turning your attention back to the game, back to beating Michael this round. But the thought lingered.

       You were using Michael Mell.

[feycreature]

All Of Them (multiples of 3 work tho dhdhgfj)

@furrybarista asked for a few as well but here we are

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

last person i dmed? yeah

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

every day

3. Have you taken someones virginity?

nope

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

not really

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

ive hung out with One person recently

6. What are you excited for?

dnd in about 2 hours!

7. What happened tonight?

well tonight im playing dnd, last night i finished watching dread?

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

i think its uncomfortable to be around anyone whos really wasted, idk about disgusting

9. Is confidence cute?

yes

10. What is the last beverage you had?

i currently have a strawberry smoothie from pulp

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

thats a difficult question to answer when i and almost all of my friends are trans and thats confusingly worded in this context

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

yes

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

either play video games or dnd, probably

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

probably starbucks

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

nope

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

absolutely

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

probably dante or luca

18. The last time you felt broken?

i prefer not to think about that because its very often

19. Have you had sex today?

no

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

not that i can think of rn

21. Are you in a good mood?

yeah!

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

yes!

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?

probably? idk i try to avoid eye contact with him

24. What do you want right this second?

to kiss my boyfriend

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

well, given that i know You, dante, you wouldnt just go and kiss someone else without talking to me about it, and assuming a conversation about that happened, i would be supportive of that endeavor

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?

sort of? its still brown on the sides but i dyed it red a couple months ago so its pink on top

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

probably not

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE I WANNA HUG AND NEVER LET GO SO IM JUST GONNA MAKE A KATAMARI OF LOVE

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

ALL MY FRIENDS

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

depends what they did and how they feel about it

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

THE LAST BOY I WAS TALKING TO WAS U DANTE

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

I SURE HOPE U DO

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

i Rarely drink soda

34. Listening to?

in one ear by cage the elephant

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

yep!

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

not specifically

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

nope

38. Who did you last call?

my mom probably

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

uhhh i think booker in 8th grade. i dont dance

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

because we were dating and we wanted to

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

last night

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

nope

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

i embarrass myself in front of everyone, all the time

44. Do you tan in the nude?

i have a goddamn farmer’s tan

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

nope!

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

yeah

47. Who was the last person to call you?

also my mom, probably

48. Do you sing in the shower?

yes

49. Do you dance in the car?

yeah,

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

i have an archery range in my basement

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

school photos last year

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

YES AND I LOVE THEM

53. Is Christmas stressful?

yes but purely bc of family interaction

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

all the time??

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?

apple

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

uhh i wanted to be an astronaut for a while

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

yeah

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

who doesnt

59. Take a vitamin daily?

nope

60. Wear slippers?

nah

61. Wear a bath robe?

i own one, dont wear it often

62. What do you wear to bed?

t shirt and pjam pants

63. First concert?

owl city

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

walmart i guess?

65. Nike or Adidas?

i own a pair of adidas shoes thats abt it66. Cheetos Or Fritos?

fritos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

sunflower seeds

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?

no.

69. Ever take dance lessons?

nope

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

i forget the exact words but the cool nerd stuff u do,

71. Can you curl your tongue?

yes

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

never been in one

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

all the time

74. What is your favorite book?

lame but the great gatsby

75. Do you study better with or without music?

i dont study well, period

76. Regularly burn incense?

hate it

77. Ever been in love?

i am right now!

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

other than the artists ive already seen in concert: icon for hire, walk the moon, bastille, cage the elephant, and steam powered giraffe

79. What was the last concert you saw?

fall out boy! the mania tour! apparently cleveland was the start of the tour so i was in the first group of people to ever hear expensive mistakes!

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

iced

81. Tea or coffee?

tea

82. Favorite type of cookie?

uhhh the really good sugar cookies i learned to make off tumblr

83. Can you swim well?

id like to think so

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

didnt know there were people who cant

85. Are you patient?

on a good day

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?

dj

87. Ever won a contest?

yeah

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

nope

89. Which are better black or green olives?

depends in what

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

go for it

91. Best room for a fireplace?

living room

92. Do you want to get married

probably 

[irregulardiaryposts]

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

so

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

[findyourbite]

Dissociation.

I personally struggle with dissociation . And as the random bits of blanking out come and go , I’ve noticed some stuff in myself as well as others.

When I am bored I dissociate. When Im in public alone I dissociate ( especially train rides ).When I’m playing video games or starring at my phone screen I dissociate.

From what I can tell about myself , my brain just straight up blocks or ignores parts of reality and everyday life that I don’t want to deal with due to underlying fear and/or trauma. I am afraid of boredom because I am left with pessimistic thoughts that do nothing more than bounce off the sides of my head causing great symptoms of depression . I have generalized anxiety disorder so many things overwhelm me and rub me the wrong way so in public I try to desperately ignore the humans . If I push myself too hard , I dissociate. Sometimes I don’t even notice until I come to ( usually when I’m calmer or getting weird looks by other people that remind me that I’m still alive and actually doing things in public lol ). Using electronics is iffy because we are literally just starring at our screens and scrolling or watching. Typing is a little more interactive so I don’t see it as too bad.

What it feels like to dissociate :

Sometimes it feels like forgetting to walk or that I’m simply walking,on packed NYC streets. Sometimes it feels like fighting with your subconscious thoughts on a crowded L train. Sometimes it feels like nothing is real and everything is completely made up . That I don’t truly exist. My life isn’t my life . My thoughts aren’t mine. My hands typing this are doing so by magic. Nothing makes sense when I dissociate. Nothing is real. It feels like nothing and everything at the same time and I only ever realize what’s going on when I start making faces or opening my eyes wide enough to make sure I’m awake or talking to myself when I think no one is watching ( they’re watching )and no one is ever watching because no one is real to me and nothing is real. Dissociation just feels like you’re a pair of eyes and you’re watching this body inhale and exhale , use the bathroom , talk , walk and live without you. Mind and body are not one when I dissociate and they’ve never been one for as long as I can remember. Dissociation feels like your head isn’t real. Your life isn’t real. The people in your life arent real. It means you can’t feel sometimes. You can’t connect to others even when you really want to because you’re so far out. They’re at shore waving at you and you’re in the middle of the open water just mindlessly wading away. Dissociation is identity loss. Who am I ? Am I real ? What am I doing ? Where was I going ? Did anyone just see that ? It’s you in a box of mirrors with endless distorted existential thoughts , perceptions and experiences .

Other people dissociating :

I often ride the subway and it’s very common for homeless people to sleep on or ride the trains . I noticed on many occasions the sheer mental illness present amongst the homeless population. Many of them do not need a friend. They don’t need someone to cry for them or hit them with puppy dog eyes to show the empathy being projected. They laugh as they whisper to themselves. Sometimes they plan their next greatest acquisition out loud with no concern or care for the silent others around them. They dissociate and they create a world where they have someone to talk to. They have goals and ambitions . Their perception of reality is distorted to benefit or comfort them. Sometimes it’s the only thing they got; the friend in their head. And I’ve never related to other humans more than I did when I realized that.

I will never forget the time I started talking to myself ( making faces and whispering under my breathe ) while in the middle of a cypher with some of my childhood peers. One of them had seen me talk to myself but I had began to do it because I thought no one was watching. I was at the early stages of my dissociation where I would act things out in my head as another person ( mostly a mother figure or me as a smarter better version of myself )or replay something that was said to me / happened that day over and over again until it literally drove me mad...When I realized my friend had saw me I was flushed with embarrassment .I realized then that it was something I couldn’t control unless I consciously fought it and tried to recognize the starting symptoms. I also realized it was a mechanism I had developed to combat any uncomfortable feelings I have. My mind chooses to ignore bad things happening to me or around me. At the time I was so emotionally stressed and hurt that I felt like i literally had no one. So I somehow created a friend in my head. I hadn’t realized how out of hand it got until I couldn’t control it around other people... thankfully I’ve worked on talking to myself greatly and I don’t slip up in public as much anymore . Now I’m left with the empty feeling of non existent reality . Death seems like the only thing that’ll feel real to me .

Dissociation sucks. Mental illness sucks. I feel like I am unworthy of love because no human should have to deal with me or my ruined mind. Ive found love and everyday I fear of being left due to the state of my subconscious and conscious mind.

I have to constantly touch my boyfriend just to make sure he’s there and I’m not imagining him. That this isn’t some sick joke where I’ll come to and he won’t be there. I hope he’s real if anything is.

I. Hate. It.

[saintkimora]

here is how my last date went w joel (once again i have mixed feelings about it) plus how things are going now

so i saw him the other night. i got there and it was him marissa and lindsey as usual but they also had their friends moshe and adiena there. so that was kinda awkward (for me at least). they were all just sitting around talking and moshe and joel were playing mario kart on the switch and then joel made everyone watch like category is, read u wrote u, the s8 and 9 finale lip syncs, and the alyssa edwards drop dead gorgeous mix. it was kinda awkward bc the others werent really into it after the first 2 videos (except marissa legend) so i was getting secondhand embarrassment but it was still fun i guess since i got to sit next to my man

BUT then things took a turn for the worst bc joel made some attempt to include me in the group conversation. i got so sweaty instantly and i was wearing a tank so i was like fuck! nothing to cover it up. so yeah eventually moshe and adiena left and it was just us the 4 sisters again

marissa started vacuuming and lindsey was showing us some books she has. then they both went to their rooms and it was just me and joel. he said chris was still in his room playing tekken 7 on his ps4 and he didnt wanna kick him out yet so we stayed in the living room and he made me watch the great british bake off with him and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring omg like this is what yall call a competition? it was not intense at ALL literally flop shows only

then eventually we went into his room and he kicked chris out (after playing one round w him) so it was just us. this is where the date got enjoyable

one of the things he did was he started talking to me about his opinions on like race and stuff currently in america. and his opinions were all p good except for a few so that was fine. it was nice i guess to have like a serious convo w him i guess

THEN he referenced something from his childhood and i didnt know what it was obv so he was like “ive never told you the story of my childhood??” so he told me and oh my gosh it was so SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD omg im not gonna put all his business on here but it was such a sad story and i felt so bad for him and i wished i met him years ago so i couldve been there for him through all of it. but yeah it was v unfortunate i was like shocked like he seriously could not catch a break and he explained to me how the things from back then affect him to this day w like his anxiety for example and yeah. like obv i wasnt happy to hear about all those sad things but i was happy that he told me bc it made me feel closer to him

now for the part i DIDNT like. so at one point he somehow tried to talk to me about what celebrities and porn stars we think are hot. i did not want to have this conversation bc it feels pointless for me bc i dont keep up w celebrities and plus like the guy im with is always the #1 hottest guy for me so i dont feel the need to lust after celebs and porn stars. but whatever he was insistent on talking about this so we did. and the part that made me feel :/ was that none of the guys looked like me. like literally all the celebrities and porn stars he listed literally looked NOTHING like me whatsoever. like i didnt have a SINGLE thing in common w any of these guys. so to hear him going on and on about how hot these guys are and how they could have him any day and stuff was just kinda deflating to me bc they were all like the complete opposite of me in terms of looks. like they were all super buff daddy types and i have like 0 muscles and i dont really have strong chiseled features either. like i know im prob being oversensitive/too competitive but idk it just made me uncomfortable

and then when i told him all my faves it was different bc he did have a lot in common w all the guys i mentioned. he was like “im noticing a pattern here” and hes right, like if i did have a “”type” he would probably be it. i personally dont like talking about hot guys w any guy im currently with bc for me its like if the guy im with is all heart eyes emoji about another guys looks then obv im gonna look at this guy and compare myself to him which is not something i want to do since most of the time the other guys have me beat. so i dont bring up guys i find hot for the same reason bc i wouldnt want the guy im with to feel insecure or inadequate or contribute to a negative body image or something. i know not all people think like this and lots of people are perfectly fine w admiring other guys w their s/o but for me its just not something i like to do

so that was the worst part. it made me feel kinda empty the next day (in the moment it wasnt as bad, it was uncomfortable but it wasnt until later that i realized that i really did not look like these guys at all). actually i think this convo happened before the childhood convo. but anyways after all those convos that is when we fooled around

so this time it was fun! first he had me teasing his hole w my dick. its mildy pleasant to me but he like loves it lol. then he did the same to me but his dick was like lubed up from when i was jerking him off beforehand and it really felt like his dick was THIS close to slipping into my hole omg i was nervous i was like if he moves his hips slightly too much im literally gonna lose my virginity LMAO but it was still fun! he ended up cumming on my hole which i honestly didnt mind bc it was easier to clean since its less surface area than say my stomach or something

then i jerked myself off while he kissed me and played w my nipples and stuff since thats still my preferred way to cum. it was nice and then we showered together afterwards. and i forgot to mention it but a few dates ago we showered together for the first time which was super fun!! that time i sucked/jerked him off in the shower until he came. this time we had already cum so we just cleaned ourselves 

then we went to sleep. we woke up and got ready and i got to see him eat breakfast! he had cereal and he looked soooooooo cute omg and then we left his apartment together, then parted ways bc i had to go to my car and he was going to the bus stop down the street. he left bc he is visiting his family back home bc he needs to get some documents to do something for fafsa and he wont be back until wednesday. and i leave on thursday so rip we just have one more chance to see each other 

so that was that! also on the date before that we played this really fun game together called lovers in a dangerous spacetime and i had so much fun! omg we were such gaymers

so yeah thats it! one more date before we have to be apart for a month. im really sad about it actually like ive been getting really emotional over it. like im gonna miss him but also hes kinda going through a difficult time in his life right now and it makes me feel really bad that i wont be able to be there for him in person when he needs me. and ofc im still worried he might meet someone else, like a month is a long time so its v possible for him to forget/lose interest and try to find a new man instead. and these gay apps are location based obv so he could be reinstalling grindr or something and i would have no idea since im so many miles away!!! i doubt he would but again i didnt think caleb would do that either and i was wrong on that so im not trusting my own judgment anymore

im gonna try to enjoy greece but im gonna miss him a LOT and i just hope hes able to hold himself together while im gone since i wont be here to comfort him since im gonna be on another continent. if he does meet someone else im gonna be really sad about it but i am gonna try to be optimistic about it and ill still be able to text him like every day so its gonna suck but it could be worse i guess

[ughdestiel]

i’ve been feeling kind of trapped and clueless lately, and i think it would really make me feel better if i just kind of put this out there in the open and get it off my chest and let those who care or are curious enough to read it so... here goes

it’s nothing crazy serious obviously. but i’ve just felt kind of out of place lately. with college and being on my own, basically, and all, it’s really different. and i do love college, i love everything im learning and becoming and discovering what i really want to do in life, but in the midst of all that. I feel so alone sometimes.

like all my close friends from high school go to different colleges, but like... 

ok so in my group of friends theres basically six of us, including myself. one of them didnt go to high school with us. but with the other four (one being my bf), one of them goes to school w our former friend, one just simply goes to school then goes home but talks with the guys (the six are all guys), then the last two is my bf and friend who go to school together. and my bf and friend is part of this club at school and they have TONS of friends like TONS and theyre always doing stuff with them like play basketball or going out to eat or something and of course im so happy that my bf got cool friends and he’s happy there and all but i cant help but get so so so. s.o jealous....

i have only one solid friend from my school. but we dont really do anything together. we used to early in the semester, but then she got a part time job and likes going to the city a lot so the only times i hang out / talk to her is either before during or after class. then she takes the bus or gets picked up by her parents. and i totally understand its not her fault and all but it just gets so beyond lonely having to go to the gym alone, to the library, to get food. and i also totally get how sometimes i have to be independent and do stuff alone and all this and that and i do love it. i do prefer doing things by myself most times but it truly, truly does get lonely. 

then when i go home, i just basically do homework and facetime my bf which is great because i only see him once a week now. but while he’s talking to our friends and im not, i get bored a lot. and of course he doesnt just talk to them the whole time, we talk as well, but yea. its so hard to explain i dont even know. my girl friends who i have known since grammar school and used to talk to on the daily dont talk to me anymore. one of them literally just cut me off but then i picked it back up but ever since then it hasnt been the same. the other one is my absolute bff, but she goes to a different school as well and shes always busy with something and she lives somewhat of a drive, so we dont really talk much either bc college and life has gotten us. but i miss them. so much. its really hard for me to make an actual friendship with another girl, because i dont know. guys too. so basically i cant make friends in general. but i miss them with all my dear heart and soul but even when i try to text them they reply either hours late or hardly reply, and its annoying and hurts so i just stopped trying

then i have another close guy friend outside of my og group. ive known him since grammar school as well even though we didnt go to the same one. anyways i would talk to him every other day and it was really nice and he was and is just such a great friend but since college we dont talk at all anymore because he has a crazy schedule and all and he travels miles to go see his gf (who i LOVE) and theyre so great im so so happy for him and everything. but yea i just miss talking to him every now and then but i understand and respect his priorities and im just really happy hes happy

so basically point of those two paragraphs is.... i get lonely. i want friends. i dont need them of course. but i do want friends. my only friend from school doesnt always want to do the stuff i want to do. it took me to convince her to play pool with me in the game room. and then to go to the gym together took less time. but she has never eased up to the offer of playing basketball, which i would love love love to do and it would bring me so so so much joy to just ball up every day or every other day after class, but i cant go alone. i wouldnt feel comfortable, because its all older dudes that go there and i would feel so attacked. i feel attacked just when im walking on campus and pass by (some) guys. i love when my bf brings me to school with him because all we do is play basketball and eat and that is all i want to do, and i wish i had someone to do that with at school.

furthermore... since college.. or well... since prom weekend of senior year.. ive been so exposed to parties and alcohol and drugs. not always physically, but mentally. the very thought of parties or consuming alcohol or using drugs has tried to pop up in my life so many times this school year. and i was never a “party” party person. never. and of course im not saying im better than those who party or drink or smoke, im just saying i wasnt made for it. ive always preferred being at a house or a chill place where my friends and i can have simple fun like board games or video games or basketball or football or just talking. i take so much passion in simple things. thats why i love my group of friends from hs. they have so much pure fun and it warms my heart and soul and makes me love them from now til eternity. 

anyways, i feel so uncomfortable about alcohol and drugs. when i was younger all of my uncles would get stupid drunk and get all crazy and it used to scare me. it honestly tramautized me. one of my uncles would get drunk so much and so bad; my family used to have a lot of family parties and of course, ppl drank. my uncle would get really drunk and just sit in the hallway downstairs, and i would obviously have to use the bathroom or get food or talk to my mom or something and would have to pass by him, and he would stop me and sit me down. I’ll never forget how he wreaked of alcohol and it made my stomach turn. and he’d put his hand over my shoulder and say something like “aj you know you are so pretty” and it would make me so uncomfortable. he never did anything awfully awful to me thank god but the amount of unease he made me feel made me terrified and angry at what alcohol does to a person. then my uncle would lecture me for thirty minutes, sometimes an hour at most. and i would be trapped because he literally wouldnt let me leave. he would be telling me about how schools important, how i have to finish school before getting a boyfriend. i couldnt get a boyfriend before finishing school, because that was bad, a sin. he throw in “youre pretty” in there so much. and it was just awful. i was tramautized. i hated it. i remember my older girl cousin who went through the same thing told me to get out of it is to say i have my period and i’ll be free- it worked. then there’s a long laundry list of how many people in my family have problems with alcohol. and i hate it. i hate what it is capable of doing to people. if you have it in moderation, thats great, but if youre excessive... please just don’t.

drugs was never a friend to me either. specifically smoking. i dont know why, i just dont like it. i wasnt exposed to it as much as alcohol which is maybe why the very idea of people wanting to smoke seems so odd to me. idk. i guess its more like i have no desire whatsoever to try and do it or make it a thing for myself and then when i see others or loved ones doing it i feel confused and i begin to question them whereas im really questioning myself. i guess the only time i’d smoke or drink is with my truly beloved ones. other than that, never. never would it ever cross my mind.  i remember when i was in a bad place end of freshman and beginning of sophomore year i wanted to drink i wanted to smoke. i wanted to forget about what was making me mentally feel pain. i remember going to seaside heights during that time and running into one of my better girl friends whom i previously mentioned and we bought hookah pens, and we smoked the shit out of that. i thought it was awesome. i thought it was the shit - it really wasnt. afterwards i was just like....ok..... wtf am i doing. i had no idea why i was doing that. i felt so weird. i didnt know my stance on anything. i was so confused. i remember trying to smoke weed with one of my then friends. he was so hyped about it, i was whatever about it. i just wanted to forget forget forget. idk what happened, but i didnt go. i didnt do it. and to this day, i really do think that was God’s work. He knew that that wasn’t what i really wanted or needed, even in my most darkest time, and God helped me resist. it blows my mind. then freshman sophomore and beginning of junior year i used to hang out with my grammar school friends A LOT. like a lot. and i vividly remember how many times i stayed upstairs in the living room watching tv with my other friend or two while everyone else was downstairs smoking. i remember feeling so out of place.. questioning why i was even there... then i realized it all came back to i just wanted friends thats all. thats all it was. they tried convincing me so many times to smoke or drink with them and it just never appealed to me. and this happened so many times because i kept going back to them and back to them and eventually i just felt like i was weird. i felt like i was the one who had the problem.

and i still feel like that. i feel like im the one who has the issue, the weird habit. i have no desire whatsoever to try alcohol or smoke or any drug or just do anything that could potentially kill my inside organs. people become so amazed when i tell them i never smoked nor have i ever drank. and when they react like that, it makes me feel like im so weird. im so out of place. like im an alien. then i feel awful about myself and ask why im not like them and not into those normal “teenager” things. when people talk about college and crazy parties and blacking out and passing out, it makes me feel like im somehow obligated to live up to those standards and i feel so restricted and a little guilty or sad i guess. because i dont do any of that. i do my homework, watch youtube videos, netflix, laugh at them, cry about them, hang out with my boyfriend and friends, and we play board games and laugh and not really cry but yeah and i do everything so simple but it means the entire world to me and makes me who i am and it makes me feel so weird and out of place when put against the standards of teenage years or young adult years and i dont know what to do with myself or how to come about it. my bf drinks only with family and sometimes friends but not much he knows his limits and i love how i can trust him and everything but gosh i get so worried.. like everything i ever learned about drugs and alcohol and then everything ive experienced with drugs and alcohol... it makes me feel so uneasy but i have help myself understand that he is not me, he does not want to stay away from all that, he wants to try it and experience that teenage young adult standard and thats his choice and as long as hes safe and loyal, which i know he is, there’s nothing wrong at all. i am still learning that. in theology my professor explained how love requires accepting the other person for who they are and compromising. love requires sacrifice. and you must choose to love. and that is what im doing for him, because i love him. same goes to my family. my not so younger cousin just started smoking, and i was shocked and honestly felt somewhat betrayed because we were the ones who were left from that whole life, but i love my cousin. so i accept him for what he’s chosen to do.

it’s been a crazy year for me, and though ive rambled on for paragraphs i still feel like i havent gotten all of it out. but this has helped. most definitely. im still trying to figure myself out. and im still trying to learn to accept others for what they choose because that is love. 

one thing i will always carry on with the rest of my life is my sophomore year latin teacher. she didnt know any latin, nor did me or my class. one day we werent doing work and my classmates and i loved talking to her and asking questions because she was so smart and insightful and awesome. my classmate asked her something about drugs and alcohol. like whats the craziest thing shes done or something, and my teacher’s reply was “never done it” and everyone was shocked, including myself. and my classmate was dumbfounded and said, “never?? youre lying” and my teacher simply said, “nope, never felt the need to.” and i found that to be the most profound thing ever. it made me realize that i didnt need to bring drugs and alcohol in my life, thats when i realized that it was not necessary. i realized i didnt need that to be cool or smart or accepted, because she was all of that. she’ll never know, but she really changed my life perspective by saying that. i hope someday i’ll come to peaceful terms with what i’ve chosen and stand by. i think i’ll be on the way there soon.

if anyone made it this far, i love you. so so much. this is why i love this website. this community this fanbase. you are all so caring and loving and helpful and genuine and just awesome. thank you for following me, just standing by me and reading what ive rambled on for pages basically. i hope someday i can update you guys by saying, “i did it.”

[overlyobsessedfreak]

150 Questions

I Did A Question Thingy 4 Years Ago. I Want To See How Much Ive Changed. 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? 4 Years: My Momma  Now: This Stupid Guy. 

2. Are you outgoing or shy? 4y: Shy Now: Shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? 4y: KAMERON AND ANDY SIXX <<< Nice To See My Priorities included A Band Member.  Now: Kyler, Chris And My Family Back Home. 

4. Are you easy to get along with?  4y: Sometimes Now: Sometimes

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? 4y: Yesh Now: I Know He Would.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? 4y: Nice,Shy people Now: Dorky And Nice People.

7. Do you think you'll be in a relationship two months from now?  4y: I hope so 1 year so far <<< Back When I Had Low Self Esteem And Thought I Needed A S/O When I Didnt Love Them. I Let That Go On For Way Too Long.  Now: Absolutely.  

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? 4y: My Boyfriend Now: Boyfriend And My Best Friend. 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? 4Y: Depends On who Im talking to. Now: Nah. 

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? 4Y: Kameron Now: Either My Cousin Mariah Or Deanna. 

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? 4Y: Nothin Now: There Is A Difference xD

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? 4Y: In the End-BVB, If Im James Dean then your Audrey Hepburn acoustic Version-SWS, King For a day-PTV, Hell On heels-BOTDF, Finders Keepers- YMAS, Ohio Is on Fire- OM&M Now: Follow You By BMTH, Scars By I Prevail, Heroin By SWS, Stuck In Your Head By I Prevail, Four Is Enough. 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?  4y: Yes Now: Yes

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? 4y: Nope Now: Nope. 

15. What good thing happened this summer? 4y: Ocean City Now: Nothing I Can Recall

16. If you could kiss anyone who would it be? 4y: Kameron and Andy Sixx << Again With The Band Thing Now: Kyler. 

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? 4y: YES Now: Yep. 

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? 4y: yesh he's in one of my classes. Now: Nope.

19. Do you like bubble baths? 4y: Yesh. Now: Yep

20. Do you like your neighbors? 4Y: NOPE. Now: Dont Know Them. 

21. What are you bad habits? 4Y:  Talking in sleep, biting lower lip, Inside cheek, Biting My nails, Biting off lip skin Now: All Still Happening

22. Where would you like to travel?  4y:France Now: Ohio. 

23. Do you have trust issues? 4y: Yes Now: Yep

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? 4Y: Computer or Seeing my bf. Now: Pretty Much The Same But Now Im Adding Talking To My Friends On Skype For Hours Upon Hours. 

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? 4y: Everything Now: My Smile. 

26. What do you do when you wake up? 4y: I go downstairs and Eat cereal Now: Do Chores And Then Message People Back. 

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? 4y: Lighter <<< My Ass Wanting To Be A Vampire And Shit.  Now: Dont Care. 

28. Who are you most comfortable around? 4y: Friends and Close Family Now: Kyler, Chris, A Select Few Of My Friends And Family. 

29. Have any of your ex's told you they regret breaking up? 4y: Nope. Now: Yep. 

30. Do you ever want to get married? 4Y:  Yes Now: I Believe So. 

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? 4y: A very small one. Now: Yep. 

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? 4Y: Avril Lavigne and Andy Sixx, Sasuke and Naruto, Gaara and Ino, Andy Sixx and Ashley Purdy, Vic Fuentes And Kellin Quinn, Alice And Mad Hatter,  Finn and Princess Bublegum, Finn and Marceline, Princess bubblegum and Marceline, Zuko and Katara, Sam Manson and Danny Phantom, Gaara and Naruto, Cat and Tori, Jade and Tori, Tori and Beck, Abby and Tony, Tony and Ziva, Noami and Emily, Jamie and Vic  ^^^ WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? I WAS 13?!?!? My Hypersexualized Ass? Wtf. Now: No. 

33. Spell your name with your chin. 4y: a7tumknjm Now: autguumnj

34. Do you play sports? 4y: What sports? HAHAHHAHA Your Funny Now: No. Though I Enjoy Soccer If I Get A Chance.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? 4Y: TV Now: No. 

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? 4y: Yeah Now: Obviously

37. What do you say during awkward silences? 4y: "So....." Now: I Just Continue Being Silent. 

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? 4y: My boyfriend <3 <<< Autumn Should’ve Stopped Lying To Herself. Now: My Boyfriend Now Honestly, He Treats Me Perfectly And I Dont Ever Want Anyone Else. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? 4y: Hot Topic, Rue 21, etc. Now: Same I Think. Though I Cant Afford That Shit. 

40. What do you want to do after high school? 4y: Video Game Designer or something with animals. Now: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHH

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? 4y: Yes Now: No. 

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? 4y:  I'm thinking. Now: Either Im Thinking Or Im Having Really Bad Anxiety. 

43. Do you smile at strangers? 4y: Yeah. Now: Yes. Everyone Deserves A Smile.  44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? 4y: Bottom of ocean. Now: If It Was 100% Safe? Either. Both Sound Awesome.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? 4y: My grandfather. Now: My Fear Of Being A Failure. 

46. What are you paranoid about? 4y: Too much stuff Now: Right Now Im At Peace.

47. Have you ever been high?  4y: Yeah Now: Yep :/ God I Hate My Parents.  48. Have you ever been drunk? 4y:  Yeah Now: Yeah, I Hate My Parents. 

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? 4y: Yes. Now: Yep. 

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? 4y:  Gray and Black Now: Grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else? 4y: Yes Now: Absolutely.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? 4y: Everything Now: My Motivation, My Ability To Do Simple Tasks. 

53. Favourite makeup brand? 4y: Hard Candy Now: Uhhhh

54. Favourite store? 3y: Hot Topic Now: Dont Have One. 

55. Favourite blog? 4y: http://justpiercetheveilalready.tumblr.com/ and http://andley.tumblr.com/ Now: I Cant Choose :(

56. Favourite colour? 4y: Purple and Red Now: Purple And Red

57. Favourite food? 4y: Spaghetti and Chili Now: Spaghetti, Chili, Steak, Honey Chipotle Chicken.

58. Last thing you ate? 4y: Raspberry lemonade Now: Beeferoni. 

59. First thing you ate this morning? 4y: Cereal Now: Beeferoni

60. Ever won a competition? 4y:For what? Nope. Now: I Was Student Of The Month Once. 

61. Been suspended/expelled? 4y: Nope but I got MIP twice, Once for stealing and the other cuz I wrote bad storys Now: Ive Had In School Suspension At Least 100 Times. Whoops.

62. Been arrested? 4y: Nope. Now: No

63. Ever been in love? 4y: I am right now.<<< Again With The Lying Autumn Now: Yes, And I Can Say That Honestly Without A Single Doubt Now. I Have Never Felt This Deeply For Anyone.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? 4y:  Never had one. Now: Oh Lord. It Was With My Friend Ely And We Were Listening To Sleeping With Sirens And Sitting On My Bed. He Put His Hand Over Mine And Asked If I Was Nervous, I Said Yes And We Kissed. 

65. Are you hungry right now? 4y: Yes. Now: Sort Of. 

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? 4y: What tumblr friends. Now: Again No Tumblr Friends. 

67. Facebook or Twitter 4y: Facebook Now: Facebook 68. Twitter or Tumblr? 4y: Tumblr Now: Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? 4y: yes Now: Yep

70. Names of your bestfriends? 4y: Mariah, Kameron, Kati, Josh, Lexi, Lauren, Kevin Now: Kyler, Chris, Mariah, Talula, Deanna, Tristan, Kim

71. Craving something? 4y: What? Boyfriend. Now: To Cuddle My Boyfriend 72. What colour are your towels? 4y: anything. Now: Anything

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?  4y: 3 Or 4 Now: 4

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?  4y: No Now: No.  74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?  4y: Idkkkk Now: 3 With Me, The Rest Are In A Box Somewhere. 

75. Favourite animal? 4y: Cats and Dogs. Now: Cats, Dogs, Wolves, Foxes, All Pretty Similar. 

76. What colour is your underwear? 4y: Purple. << Glad To Know I Let Everyone Know What Color My Underwear Was At 13... Now: None Of Your Business.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? 4y: Vanilla Now: Either? They Are All Great, 

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? 4y: Vanilla or Green Mint Now: Green Mint Chocolate Chip, Vanilla Swirl, Chocolate Or Vanilla. 

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? 4y: Black Now: Grey And Black Stripped. 

80. What colour pants? 4y: Black Now: Blue With Snoopy And Woodstock On Them

81. Favourite tv show? 4y: Anime, Lost Girl, Animals, Crime shows Now: Eyewitness, Shadowhunters, Teen Wolf, The Flash, Pretty Little Liars, A Bunch Of Them Really.

82. Favourite movie? 4y: Breaking Dawn part 2 and Matilda Now: Matilda, Moana, Miss Peregrine's home for peculiar children, 

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? 4y: Mean girls. Now: Mean Girls

84. Breaking dawn part 1 or part 2? 4y: Part 2 Now: Part 2 I Guess?

85. Favourite character from Breaking dawn part 2? 4y: Alice and Jasper Now: Still Alice And Jasper. 

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? 4y: Squirt Now: Dory. 

87. First person you talked to today? 4y:Mariah Now: Kyler

88. Last person you talked to today? 4y: Mariah Now: Kyler

89. Name a person you hate? 4y: Everyone except friends and Close family Now: I Only Hate One Person And His Name Is Jacob. 

90. Name a person you love? 4y: Kameron Now: To Save Me From Writing A Long Ass List Im Just Gonna Go With The Romantic Love Which Is Kyler. 

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? 4y: YES. Now: Mostly Myself But Yes. 

92. In a fight with someone? 4y: Nope, I dont think so. Now: Nope

93. How many sweatpants do you have? 4y: I dunno Now: A Hell Of A Lot. 

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 4y: 3 or 4 Now: 2 :(

95. Last movie you watched? 4y: Breaking dawn part 2 Now: Moana

96. Favourite actress? 4y: Pauley Perrette Now: Idk

97. Favourite actor? 4y: Matthew Gray Gubler Now: Idk

98. Do you tan a lot? 4y: No Now: I Tan Easily? 

99. Have any pets? 4y:  2 one dog one cat. Now: A Dog

100. How are you feeling? 4y: I dunno Now: As Of Right Now, Nothing. 

101. Do you type fast? 4y: Yes. Now: Yep

102. Do you regret anything from your past? 4y:  Who doesn't? Now: Again Who Doesnt. 

103. Can you spell well? 4y: Yeah?? Now: Mostly. 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? 4y: Of course. Now: Yes. 

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? 4y: Yes. Now: Yes. 

106. Ever Broken someone's heart? 4y: I dunno Now: Yep...

107. Have you ever been on a horse? 4y:YES. Now: Yep

108. What should you be doing? 4y: Writing my storys or Writing My boyfriends letter. Now; Probably Sleeping. 

109. Is something irritating you right now? 4y: No Now: Teen Wolf Season 5 Episode 9 Scott Doesnt Know How Donovan Really Died And Stiles Looks So Sad. SCOTT YOU STUPID PIECE OF TRASH BITE THAT POOR GIRL. 

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? 4y: Yeah Now: Yeppp

111. Do you have trust issues? 4y: Yeah Now: Yep

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? 4y: Momma Now: My Uncle

113. What was your childhood nickname? 4y Now:  Autie and Tootie

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? 4y: Yes Now: Yep. 

115. Do you play the Wii? 4y: Not anymore Now: Nope

116. Are you listening to music right now? 4y: No. Now: No. 

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? 4y: NO. << Caps? Why You Gotta Be So Loud About It? Now: Yes

118. Do you like Chinese food? 4y: Nope. Now: No

119. Favourite book? 4y:  The Immortals Series Now: House Of Night Series. 

120. Are you afraid of the dark? 4y: Depends on where Im at. Now: Depends On Where I Am. 

121. Are you mean?  4y: I can be. Now: Can Be. 

122. Is cheating ever okay?  4y: Are you serious? NO. DENIED. DO NOT DO IT. Now: No. 

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? 4y: LOL no Now: No. 

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? 4y: Yesh. Now: Yeah

125. Do you believe in true love? 4y: Yeah. Now: Yes. 

126. Are you currently bored? 4y: Yes Now: Yep. 

127. What makes you happy? 4y: Bf and Friends Now: Same. 

128. Would you change your name? 4y: Yesh. Now: Nah. 

129. What your zodiac sign? 4y: Scorpio

130. Do you like subway? 4y: No. Now: No. 

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 4y:  Id be cool Cause hes my BF. Now: Same, But If It Wasnt My Bf Id Probably Set The Record Straight.

132. Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with? 4y:Mariah Now: Mariah And Or Deanna. 

133. Favourite lyrics right now? 4y:  "With every sin I still Wanna Be holy." Now: “Heroine My Sweetest Sin I Cant Seem To Get Enough, Pull Me Under Wake Me Up Feel The Rush.  Morphine Lover Make Me Numb, Make It So I Can't Get Up. Paper Thin Till You Sink In, Could You Be My Heroine?”

134. Can you count to one million? 4y:  I guess if I wanted to. Now: Same

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? 4y:  "I said I was an 87 year old." Now: Probably That One. Idk. 

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?  4y: Closed Now: Closed. 

137. How tall are you? 4y: 5'2 Now: 5′3

138. Curly or Straight hair? 4y: Mine is Curly but I want straight. Now: Both. 

139. Brunette or Blonde? 4y: Brunette Now: Brunette

140. Summer or Winter? 4y: Summer Now: Winter. 

141. Night or Day? 4y: Night  Now: Night. 

142. Favourite month? 4y: July. Now: October

143. Are you a vegetarian? 4y: Nope Now: Nope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? 4y: Dark. Now: Milk. 

145. Tea or Coffee? 4y: Tea Now: Tea. 

146. Was today a good day? 4y: Yeah. Now: Yes

147. Mars or Snickers? 4y: Snickers Now: 

148. What's your favourite quote? 4y: “Each and every one of us has a fire that burns inside us and they can try like hell to put out that flame but as long as in our minds we know who we are meant to be, they don’t stand a chance.” -Andy Sixx Now: Uhhhh

149. Do you believe in ghosts? 4y: Yeah. Now: Yes.  150. Get the closet book next to you, open it to page 42, what's the first line on that page? 4y:  Found Out that Loren was really with Neferet and he didnt care about me at all, even though we'd imprinted. Now: No Books :(