#ive met so many women who are very aware that they are not willing or able to make the sacrifices you need to make in order to have kids

[purpurussy]

I've never heard a man say he thinks he'd be a bad father. and yet there's no shortage of awful dads out there. so where are they all coming from 🤔

[mbti-notes]

Hi MBTI. Not type related but I still want to ask because of your social insight. What does respect mean to you? I’ve met people who preach feminism but do not communicate honestly and clearly with girls they sleep around with (eg ghosting), which makes me think that feminism is just political theory, but in practice it means to truly respect other people regardless of their gender (ie being honest, clear and able to put ones anxieties/insecurities aside momentarily to ensure the well-being of

[con't: the other person). I asked myself exactly what respect entails, it’s a concept Ive taken for granted and thought I knew but realized I’ve never actually read/heard someone really putting into words. I’ve been reading online and a lot of people seem to muddle it with the word “admiration” and I think I disagree because I think respect is more about being open to sharing common ground and not placing someone above or below you, as admiration could cause. To me respect and  equality are more similar, and that’s how I linked it to feminism. How would you define respect? And what do you think about this? Thank you and all the best!<3 ]

You're mixing several issues together, which makes your question too complicated. Respect and making moral judgments are big enough topics without adding gender into the mix.

I remember once, a long time ago, I was grappling with a difficult moral dilemma. I approached a few people to talk about it. One person judged me as "incompetent" because the matter seemed quite easy in their mind. One person judged me as "weak" because I wasn't willing to just do what I wanted to do. One person judged me as "fake" because they thought I was only worried about appearing like a moral person in the eyes of others. One person judged me as "selfish" because I wasn't willing to sacrifice myself for the greater good. One person judged me as "overthinking" the matter because I was worried about more than just myself.

Of course, not being assholes, their judgments came out as veiled implications rather than direct criticisms. However, this example reveals some truth: People's moral judgments are often quite egocentric, a mere reflection of their own subjective ego conflicts about what it means to be a "good" or "bad" person. Whichever way they choose to conceptualize morality is what they expect of others (i.e. projection).

We all have to make moral judgments and navigate difficult moral situations. One thing that significantly influences people's ability to make good moral decisions is their level of ego development, you can read more about it in the Type Dev Guide. Suffice it to ask: Is your conception of morality more rule-based (i.e. about the power to judge) or more virtue-based (i.e. about the wisdom to do right)?

The more egocentric someone is, the more invested they are in maintaining a positive self-image, and the more sensitive they are to any data that would threaten their ego and suggest that they are a "bad" person. Egocentric people are more likely to use a rule-based approach to morality because its starkness and simplicity allow for easy detection and deflection of ego threats. If morality is a simple matter of knowing the rules of right and wrong, then moral judgments are a simple matter of whether people followed the rules.

For example, society says that you should work hard in school, get a good job, earn money, and your reward is that you are able to afford your life. Therefore, if you didn't succeed in school, you didn't get a good job, you can't earn much money, you can't afford the things you need, then there is something "wrong" with you. In short, you failed to follow the rules, so you deserve to be punished with the negative consequence of poverty. Rule-based morality is "safe" for the ego because there's no ambiguity that makes you doubt your moral judgment, and hence no reason to doubt your own moral worth.

People often talk about whether someone "deserves" respect, often because they want to make an argument that someone doesn't deserve respect for something bad they did. The more "admirable" someone is, the more respect they deserve? I will respect this person because they are "nice"? I will not extend respect to that person because they are "mean"?

If you approach respect with these "rules", you essentially get to play god. You get to sit on a high horse and judge people as worthy or unworthy. If you obey the rules of being an "admirable" person, you are called a "good" person, so you get rewarded with respect; whereas if you disobey the rules, you are a "bad" person, so you get punished with less respect or even disrespect. This way of thinking is rather childish. Notice how kids argue that they don't have to follow the rules when they see someone else breaking the rules. Their idea of morality boils down to whether they themselves win or lose.

Children, understandably, think in stark terms of reward and punishment because they are only starting to learn what it means to be an "acceptable" member of society. They only see what's on the surface because they aren't yet capable of more sophisticated moral reasoning. When an adult hasn't learned more sophisticated moral reasoning, they continue with the superficial idea of reward and punishment, only they take it further. Now that they are "adult" by society's superficial age standard, they possess the social status and thus the social power to dole out rewards and punishments to anyone "beneath" them in status. In essence, "I was subject to the rules as a child, and now I get to enforce the rules as an adult."

Adding gender into the mix, a lot of people abide by "rules" that they learned in childhood about what a "man" is, what a "woman" is, how they are different, and how people "should" behave according to their gender. Men, as a social group, are taught to obey one set of rules, while women, as a social group, are taught to obey another set of rules. This social conditioning shows up in people's implicit gender biases as well as outright gender discrimination.

If men, as a group, possess the majority of social power and privilege, they become the default reference point for everyone. Social and political decisions are predominantly made from their point of view, in accordance with their needs and desires, and this encourages them to treat women as objects that are only worthy of respect as long as they prop up masculine power. Women, as a group, are taught to see the world through the masculine perspective and believe that masculinity is superior to femininity, so they must behave submissively and serve their purpose to men.

As an individual man, if you follow the rules and elevate masculinity over femininity, you get rewarded with status and power. If you don't follow the rules, you get punished with lower status and being branded as undesirable (not a "real" man). As a woman, if you follow the rules and elevate masculinity over femininity, you get rewarded with some privilege and favors, but always safely within the bounds of masculine dominance. If you don't follow the rules, you get cruelly shamed into compliance and even ostracized if you are deemed a lost cause (not a "real" woman).

It is very difficult for individuals to counter social conditioning because so much of the learning happens unconsciously. It's a steep uphill battle for people to develop more self-awareness about the "rules" they have been taught to follow. And even when one becomes aware of having implicit biases or prejudices, it's not easy to rise above them. It takes a lot of conscious effort to go against lessons that were ingrained into your psyche since infancy. Furthermore, when you're a member of the social group that enjoys more power and privilege, there's very little incentive for you to change, in fact, you have much more incentive to preserve the status quo, which is why inequality is so difficult to remedy.

The unconscious nature of bias and prejudice is why ego development is very important. When you reach higher levels of ego development, your self-awareness grows, and that allows you to gradually shift from a simplistic rule-based morality to a more complex virtue-based morality which recognizes that moral issues aren't always black-and-white. Virtue-based morality is about what's actually in people's hearts and the role that moral conscience plays in decision making.

Taking the example from above: WHY did the person fail in school? Was it simply because they didn't follow the rules and work as hard as they should have? Or was it due to factors that were beyond their control, such as: an untreated learning disability, lack of school funding due to living in a poor area, a dysfunctional family situation that interfered with their learning process, etc?

Rule-based morality is about compliance and shaming people into the appearance of compliance. Virtue-based morality is about understanding and addressing the root causes of moral failing. To be capable of more complex moral reasoning is to dig deeper and ask more questions to get to the truth, which means that morality is no longer a simple matter. The gray areas start to appear, you start to see exceptions to the rule, and you become more empathetic because you're looking into people's hearts and seeing how they have suffered unfairly. You no longer stereotype and generalize about people but treat everyone as a unique individual with unique circumstances to take into account. Egocentric people don't want this level of moral responsibility because then they'd have to always question themselves about whether they are truly doing the right thing, and they would constantly have to confront the many ways they fall short in their morality.

When you truly see the harm of judging people by superficial appearances, you would never want to be a victim of it, and that helps you understand that you shouldn't be a perpetrator of it, either. When you truly see the harm of treating people unfairly based on gender, you would never want to be a victim of it, and that helps you understand that you shouldn't be a perpetrator of it, either. When you're able to empathize with people who were treated unfairly or victimized by unjust rules, you can't help but want to make things fairer for everyone (yes, equality). Virtue-based morality is about moral conscience in terms of what kind of person you hope to be, what kind of influence you want to have, what kind of society you want to live in, and whether you are actually a virtuous person in your heart rather than just appearing like one in public. When you show respect to people, it's not because they "deserve" it, it's because you know that you being respectful to everyone is the first step in helping to create a society that is more respectful to everyone.

[horner88breen-blog]

Can One Truly Leave the Sex Industry

Inside my 5-6 years in the escorting world, I just need seen one woman completely get out of the sex industry. Others, a small minority, may leave apparently industry but typically revert back to selling themselves after a few weeks/months/years. I will never forgot the words, Shell be back, said along with a Madame (brothel/escort business owner) at an establishment I worked at overseas. Consider the 63 after a popular young woman decided it was her last day in the industry, and she wanted to do pursue her new normal job and boyfriend. Shell be backhow discouraging, yet later I realized how real the statement actually was. Paulina Leaving the information mill NEVER without war. Paulina is the only former-escort I understand who has left the industry entirely. She has managed so far successfully, but it wasnt easy at in the beginning. I came to know her intimately only after she left the industry and when she almost fell back to it. However, when she was still in the industry and we were working together we hardly mingled. Having been the odd girl who stayed away from the casual sex, drugs, and party scene, so generally she, like many working girls, found little commonality with my lifestyle. Paulina was a stupendous South America girl who immigrated towards the West at a young age. I witnessed her loss-of-innocence in her escorting days, which happens when she involved herself with heavy partying and living with another escort (a match for disaster). She ended up getting involved through expensive drug (cocaine) habit, which looks the drug of choice for elite escorts/clients. Thankfully, her experimenting phase was short-lived, and ended in one year. One thing that Paulina and I have done have in common was our conflicting values of traditional and modern. She was raised on the inside West, yet she still held on to her traditional South American values (her cultural values conflicted with the individualistic, care-free values she was living as the prostitute). Selling sex is often not problematic, but rather the lifestyle frequently related to high-class prostitutes is damaging (excessive partying, excess shallowness). She'd quit the industry, and completely got away from drug treatments and partying. She called me from your nowhere one day, and wanted to. At first I couldnt discover why she would suddenly want to meet me, but later she told me that I was the only person she hoped to trust from this industry. In her view, I was someone who probably would not tempt her back up in her bad habits, yet I could relate to her because I was an escort overly. I was flattered, and determined to help her stay off from prostitution, even though I wasnt in order to leave myself. She had deep emotional scars from being a prostitute, and think it is hard confide in anyone. She had met a lovely man, but he previously had no idea about her past and she or he wanted to maintain it to remain that way. Whenever she got depressed or felt the urge to return to selling herself, she called me for comfort. I havent seen her in over one year, since she lives overseas where That i used to live. Currently, she's still out of the business, and a wedding soon to the love of her lifetime. She is my hopebecause if she could continue to be away from the industry, then a genuine effort . hope. Unfortunately, it is extremely easy to fall back into prostitution The pattern Ive observed has become common: women leave the industry to pursue love, and they return when that love failed. Another woman I am aware did quit the industry, however she recently admitted that she is returning to escorting. Why? Because she broke up with the person she wanted. Months ago I remember her saying If I wasnt with my boyfriend, then I would personally still be selling myself. This is classic of women trying to depart the industry, and perhaps the most depressing part of computer. Over the years, I met countless women whove returned to prostitution after a failed relationship. Well known girls say they wasted their youth in their failed relationships when they might have been essentially exploiting their youthfulness by selling themselves. During the night these women return to sex work, their hearts are dented. Yes, I have seen many broken hearted women returning to selling their bodies, yet sadly it looks like theyve also lost their souls. When falling in love with a potential partner, an escort to be able to ask herself: Is he worth this method? Is love, itself, enough to quit her autonomy and employment? The men she rejects are individuals cannot leave her with financial freedom, even though they may be willing to adore and treat her decent. Other escorts choose the latter, which is to avoid relationships altogether and focus on man or women. How often do escorts leave the industry when a man is NOT in photographs? I have yet to stumbled upon a prostitute who leaves the industry sector for her very own intuition. Stick to ask myself this question: Do I would like to leave because I want love? Perhaps, as most of us desire love and global recognition. Sadly, acceptance is only granted when people conform to whats frequent. And of course, being a sex worker is out-of-the-norm in modern societies, thus furthering us beyond your societies embrace. But again, it doesnt have staying this form. There are people who fight these oppressive norms that marginalize sex workers its not a very bad thing to differ. But being outside the norms of society requires lots of strength. There is absolutely no social space allocated for prostitutes. As a result, we face tremendous pressure to adhere to the normative ways of living life (such as marriage, owning a home, etc). Although Used to quit for a short period when I realized i was engaged, I never mentally prepared myself that I've been finished is not industry. I still haven't. Its a question that Ive been avoiding to answer: when will I quit? Does an individual even to help quit? Would I remaining? I used to want to quit, and I told myself that I would personally quit selling my body after I'm finished my graduate data. Regardless, I dont feel that Im ready to make now. Enjoy aspects of my job, but I just do not wish the implications (the stigma, the degradation of the industry, the legalities, etc). Fear of leaving sex-work is unique. Escorts in Manchester of emotions. Im aware that the stigma is damaging me, but when times are great I tend to ignore the damage Im executing. At times, sex work doesnt appear like a problem for some escorts, and for others, it is deeply damaging psychologically. But overall, one cannot deny the problem of hunting live in the world where ones identity is constantly hidden and condemned. Social Darwinism, the idea that started this complete survival of the fittest competition among society is a false notion, the idea may be very real in modern society. Im aware that competition is simply a socially constructed concept, yet sadly I feel deeply pressured to engage in this race in society. I fear that if I dont sell myself, I will lose out in this particular competition. This is exactly what needs to change, I have to let go of the pressures of mainstream the population. Why do I want to participate this shallow competition primarily? This is increase in a cold society (Western-Liberal societies) that puts increased progress, individualism, competition, status, and monetary wealth. This is what drove me to the Social Sciences as an area of study: society deeply impacts how people think and react. I assign other reasons why I entered into prostitution on social stress. Once youre in the sex industry, it is very hard to depart. A woman I know is wanting her much better to pursue the usual job but admits she gets the pressure to get back escorting. Its too easy (escorting), and also the money is quick. Her mind, like most escorts, becomes tainted whilst haunting fact: a few hours or an evening of escorting can pay all the bills that would take 1-2 weeks of hard act on a normal job. Did any of folks imagine growing accustomed to our lifestyles? Did we ever imagine that wed donrrrt slave to our own addiction for fast-money? Of course not. A wonderful friend of mine is a former receptionist in intercourse party industry. She told me how she was inclined to become an escort, however she changed her mind once she saw the reality: escorts may make lots of money, but at the high cost of our emotions. Provides you with ask myself time and time againWas it this?

[priincesspacificaarchive]

ntiitaniumxwill replied to your post “40) things you said when you met my parents crime au”

*kicks door down* oKAY SO i finally got around to reading this and my eyes teared up????? like for real?????????? i love this world and this AU has a special place in my heart and ive never even thought of dip's parents and i am............... Aghast at myself but u, my lovely and incredible wife, you are so AHEAD of me?????? i dont even know where to start. all of this is so beautiful, so detailed, the emotions , the atmosphere. i might be SCREAMING

*cue me flinching at the idea of a door being kicked down near me even tho i love this “meme”* i remember feeling almost numb writing it bc i was so worried about how i was going to write major’s parents. i didn’t want him to be too distant from them, but i wanted it to be obvious they were unaware of the situation. i wanted them to be unaware of everything that had happened after stan’s death. i wanted that awkwardness of meeting your bf/husband/whatever’s parents for the first time. i wanted there to be an obvious strain, an obvious change that no one was going to talk about bc “at least our boy came back”. i wasnt sure what i was going to do with them, everyone sees them so differently, i think. so i took a kind of middle-road approach, with them having instilled certain things in their children. i really was unsure of how i was going to handle the “killing blow” scene. i knew it was what i wanted to do w why they were visiting, but i wasnt sure how i was going to have their parents react. i’ve never lost a child, i’ve barely lost a loved one. i’m not very familiar w grief personally, so i was unsure how to paint these characters w it, especially since they’re still v static i think in general. women are p much biologically coded to be more willing to show emotions and to cry than men (it’s testosterone okay) so i knew i was going to have the mom cry. most of the men in my family go into some form of shutdown when they get overly-emotional so that’s what i went w for him. also i pulled the names out of my butt and didn’t realize the “ma” part of maggie, mabel, and mason until i was in the middle of that scene and had written it like five times. so that was completely on the fly. but this is honestly something i could’ve seen easily being tens of thousands of words one-shot material. i am so so so honored you loved them, bc i was so so unsure of them the whole time i was writing them. this whole drabble was new territory. i’d never written a “meet-the-parents” scene and have barely experienced any irl so i wanted to make sure it was the right amount of awkward/heart-warming/strained-bc-of-their-life-choices thing. i wanted so desperately for it to feel like major and lioness are almost emotionally detached from the whole thing, but i knew that even if major wasn’t dipper anymore, his parents would still inspire a small piece of what might be left in major. and lioness would be nervous for so many reasons and one of them would certainly be if they’d like her. if they’d think she’s the reason he hadn’t come home in so long.

again, i always see my writing in my head like a movie, and do my best to put that movie into words. the scene at the end, w them in major’s old room, i fought w the wording and pacing w it. i wanted it to feel like a time machine and a nostalgia trip and a little bit like a funeral all at once. i wanted it to feel like what a parent must feel to walk into their child’s room when they’re no longer there. i wanted it to be a mourning period, especially for pacifica, who mourns the loss of dipper more than almost anyone else. she loves major more than anyone in the universe, more than herself, but she will always, always miss the opportunity to know dipper. to fall in love with dipper. it’s not hers to regret, but she wishes so hard she could’ve known who that boy could grow up to be. what kind of man he could’ve become.

pls never worry about thinking about the parents. i almost never think about characters parents unless they’re important for plot reasons (like paz’s).  i literally made them up as i went. i tried to take into account how old they’d be and then like, compared it to my own parents and grandparents and tried to hit an idea of what they’d do w their time. watching wheel of fortune and game shows like that is something we often do in the evenings at my one set of grandparents’ house so that’s where that came from. and then someone had give mabel even the idea of knitting so i thought her mother would be a good place (plus my grandma knits so. jacked that from her too).

also also also the whole “they can’t stay here” line of thought came from a fic i’d re-read recently and i knew that was the tone i was going for.

thank you so much for reading this and also babe i LOVE YOU and ALL THE SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT YOU’VE GIVEN ME OVER THE YEARS!!! YOU’RE ONE REASON I KEEP COMING BACK AND WRITING. THANK YOU!!!

as i mentioned i remember feeling numb writing it, and now when i read over it i feel distanced, like i’m watching from afar. i might revisit this and extend it or something bc as much as they’re static-feeling i love how i portrayed their parents and would love another opportunity to expand on them. it felt like such a big thing to tackle, bc i knew there needed to be so much written to even cover why they’d go back to california. at one point i thought maybe i’d put them in their teens and they’d be there for the tradition of introducing your partner to your parents. maybe it would be after they’re married and it’s a stop on a short honeymoon. i had a handful of ideas why, but i knew this one was the right pick as many times as i wanted to make it something else.

the “opening scene” of them in the car, in my head there’s no background muisc, maybe the rushing of the wind through open windows, but no music. i can hear something soft and melancholy and aching when they’re in major’s old room, when they look at mabel’s door is when it’d start probs. that sad full house violin music when major’s trying to tell them mabel’s gone. when he’s explaining why. (literally that track makes me cry every time) something soft but ultimately happy plays when they reunion begins, hitting a crescendo when maggie throws herself down the stairs to her son. a sort of sinister music when lioness and major are telepathically talking about what major’s done to his father’s mind.

gosh i might have to do more parts bc i can see them staying for at least a weekend if not an entire week just talking to the parents and helping them understand and cope.

i’m so glad u love it, wife, and i’m so thankful that you see the details, but ultimately i think i could’ve given even more and extended it even further. this is definitely a thing i’m open to writing more of.]

[edit: the scene where they tell them about mabel, paz mentions her empathy spiking. i’ve lowkey decided that she’s so connected to major that some of what’s given him his telepathy has sort of flowed into her, and because she’s taken on being major’s humanity, she’s extremely empathic, and the supernatural just enhanced it. so she actually feels what others are feeling. this allows her to be more aware of major’s emotional state, but also can be used to manipulate enemies and lackeys alike. she can’t manipulate their emotions, but she can use what she’s feeling from them to sway them one way or another. touching mr. pines in the scene where her body is screaming at her to be comforting could’ve been disastrous bc his emotions are running so high from less than a foot away that she already felt like she was grieving as hard as he was. she might’ve completely lost herself in his emotions if she’d touched him. it was kinda a last-minute decision in that scene but it’s an idea i like a lot. she probably wouldn’t start to develop it until she’s been with major for years.

so yeah that was supposed to be a subtle thing but idk how subtle it was so i’m explaining it all now.]

[renaroo]

Wednesday Roundup

We have a new addition to the party this week! Ghostbusters 101 -- and I’m very excited to see where all our continuing stories lead us. So let’s look into ‘em without further ado...

DC’s Batman Beyond, DC’s Detective Comics, IDW’s Ghostbusters 101, Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur, DC’s Wonder Woman

DC’s Batman Beyond (2016-present) #6 Dan Jurgens, Bernard Chang, Marcelo Maiolo

Well, I will give this comic one thing: it truly understands what attracts fans like me to Batman Beyond as a franchise to begin with: everyone giving Bruce crap for his stupid, stupid ideas and the consequences he doesn’t think out all of the way in canon. And Matt and Max are easily the best parts of each issue for that reason. That and Max’s undercut. The best things.

Alright, so I was completely accurate in my assumption last issue that the fact that every batboy in the franchise got a shoutout because it’s going to turn out that Damian has now been brought into the fold of the Beyond universe. And it’s probably going to have something to do either with the AI of the new Batsuit or with the plot from the DCAU where Ra’s takes over a younger descendent’s body in order to regain his own youth -- formerly it was Talia, now it is logically Damian. 

mkay.

It still makes me angry that we don’t get shoutouts to Kate, Cass, Steph, Harper -- literally any woman in the franchise while the boys get every solitary universe but whatever.

Not really whatever, but I am willing to grant that the comic is still young and there’s an opportunity that as ‘Tec works to make the extended Batfamily’s stars rise, that they will receive some due credit in the Beyond timeline as well. Batgirls: Futures End anyone? Just food for thought.

Anyway. This was an enjoyable issue, but a rather quick read compared to everything else this week. Most, if not all, of the meat was put into that last page reveal because of course it was. But here’s hoping the pace picks up next issue now that everything’s out of the way. 

DC’s Detective Comics (2016-present) #957 James Tynion IV, Christopher Sebela, Carmen Carnero, Karl Story

A one-shot issue? A complete story that focuses on character development and world building with previous setup being paid off and future setup being presented? Are we sure this is the Detective Comics run I’ve criticized for its pacing and drawn out stories for the past year? Are we sure this isn’t a bizarro world issue I got a hand on somehow?

Okay, all joking aside, I have been harsh on this run in the past but I think this issue proves pretty much everything I have critiqued before because Tynion, with help from Sebela, focuses on his strengths -- character, voice, simple storytelling devices, and presenting a critical opinion of the genre while also very much showing a love for it.

This is honestly why I have been baffled by people who have said they hated Tynion’s characterization of Steph in this run. I didn’t like how he wrote her in Batman and Robin Eternal, but almost everything in this issue embodies the parts of Steph I have loved about her character over the years. Striding the line between insider and outsider, loving and protecting Gotham while questioning and being critical of the harm Batman’s crusade has don, not wanting glory but still wanting to be be better and to help. She’s confident, she’s resourceful and clever, and yet there is a loneliness and sacrifice to how she’s chosen her path. And even if she doesn’t mention it directly, because we’ve followed Steph as she got to this point we know there’s still a question about how she’s affording her equipment, where she’s living, who she’s in contact with, whether or not she’s going to school.

This issue gave me so many feelings and it really does reward me for having confidence in the creative team seeming to have a plan and direction for Steph as a character. Something, I should note, I don’t always feel the most confidence with when it comes to this run thus far.

More comics like this, Tynion. I’m begging you.

IDW’s Ghostbusters 101 (2017-present) #3 Erik Burnham, Dan Shoening, Luis Antonio Delgado

On the basis of my three-issue policy, I am happy to say that I am as excited as I can be on the direction of IDW’s Ghostbusters 101. The quality of the Ghostbusters franchise as it’s been handled by IDW for over a decade now has always been among the top tier of comics and probably one of the more under appreciated productions of the medium. I mean, I read them but how many of you read them?

Erik Burnham has become the defining crafter of what I consider “my” Ghostbusters as it comes to the original cast, and I have been very excited to see how he and Dan Shoening translated the recent 2016 cast into the multiverse and into their distinct styles of writing. And I’m more than happy to say that it translates beautifully.

The team ups we’ve all been waiting for since the very first announcements of the rebooted movie has finally come...

And by that I mean that, finally, in the third issue, after two issues of buildup, we finally have some interactions between the Original Crew, the Real Crew, the EXTREME Crew, and now the Answer the Call Crew. 

... See, one of the barriers for entry into these comics is you kind of have to accept that almost all the comics are written with the Big Picture in mind. Erik Burnham has always been a slow burn of a writer, and that was very much evidenced not only with my favorite of his Ghostbusters runs -- the  Ghostbusters (2013-2014) run --  but especially in the IDW crossover of Ghostbusters/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He takes his time, and the buildup will have payoff, but it might be a bit slow to wait issue-by-issue for for some fans who want the immediate excitement of the characters interacting. 

I mean, I’m a fan and I waited until I could read all three of the first issues together, if that tells you anything.

It is a joy, and worth picking up for fans. Just be aware of your tastes before judging too hard. 

Marvel’s Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur (2015-present) #19 Brandon Montclare, Natacha Bustos, Tamra Bonvillain

If you care about the future of the medium and about comics attracting younger fans, or just having goo wholesome comics for all ages, I have no idea why you aren’t already reading Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur because it is just one of the prettiest, most inventive, and most genuine all-ages books that I’ve read in a long time. 

Lunella and Devil have become such an iconic pair, and the beauty of this comic is how the effort and storytelling are treated with the authenticity and effort of “adult” aimed readers, including having Lunella’s point of view be prominent but obviously still marked by immaturity and lack of experience, while still very much at its heart being the story of a child in a world of superheroes, growing and learning and becoming herself even when she doesn’t necessarily know what that means. 

The at is gorgeous, specifically the coloring of this issue is just jaw dropping, and getting Lunella into space and having her so attached to Devil to bring him along in a ridiculous but wonderful dinosaur-sized space suit is just amazing. 

I love everything here in this comic and really hope those of you with kids in your lives or just the love of good superhero comics with unique tones and stories are picking this up already. 

DC’s Wonder Woman (2016-present) #23 Greg Rucka, Liam Sharp, HI-FI

We’re coming to the end of Rucka’s amazing run and I’m just very grateful at the moment. I’m grateful to this run and I’m grateful that the Present Day stuff finally actually caught up in quality with the Past storylines because man it was super shaky for a while there. And it really took the whole picture unifying for it to really work for me and that’s probably going to mean that on re-read, at least for me, the parts I have been critical about when it comes to this run will read better.

...

Okay the racism won’t read better. Seriously, what was the point?

But Diana won with love. Veronica will still have a reason to be antagonistic with Wondy even though she saved her daughter. Diana and Hippolyta met each other again for at least momentarily. There were so many good things -- especially good conversations. Liam Sharp’s art was pretty top notch.

Just overall this was a good Beginning of the End, so to speak, and I’m really looking forward to where we go from here. 

So the books this week were very different in tone and story overall, but it has to be said, with the maybe exception of Batman Beyond which still had a pretty prominent female characters feature, this week is really the week of Superheroines. And I love that. I love that we’re at a time and place in comics where women and girls are allowed to be so many varieties of characters and still heroic, still masters of their own stories, and still geared toward so many different tastes and audiences. 

It really shows, at least for me, what’s going right with the industry at the moment, and I hope it progresses that way.

But it’s time for the pick of the week, and as much as I really enjoyed all the comics this week, I’m going to give this week’s pick to Detective Comics. It was a great stand alone, it was very focused and character driven, and it’s just so wonderful seeing Stephanie’s independence and more individualized view of justice getting to be front and center of a ‘Tec comic. The times where she was treated with this amount of respect as Spoiler were few and far between in the previous continuity and it’s good as a fan to see that the current creative team can love and appreciate the 2000s comics and draw from them while still adjusting and moving past their flaws. 

But that’s just my opinion on today’s pull! Do you guys agree or disagree with me on any of them? Think I missed picking up something great? I’d love to hear from you! See you next week <3

[newbuginnings-blog]

2/25/17

this past week in paris has been delightful. i was charmed by a city known to do just that–the cafes lining the streets, laid back culture centered around eating and talking without worrying about the time, and the bustling streets that give the city it’s life, made me almost forget the outrageously high prices. i saw mitski live at les etoiles tuesday and so my week started with a high of inspiration and admiration, coupled with a feeling of longing and desire for a life where i too, can have friends, and be, like the people i elevate and idolize so forcefully. there were lots of american students and after the concert i mourned my shyness that prevented me from attempting to make friends. i know better than ever at this point speaking up and taking an extra step to reach out to people can only open more doors and opportunities. being outgoing is literally this, and is the key to making a fruitful experience full of connections and meaningful relationships. i know this, and yet i continue to hold a certain distrust for myself to be worthy enough of other peoples time and space. at first i was really disappointed in myself, and woke up with a sinking feeling in my stomach the next morning, because with the treacherous self-comparative traps of social media, i had ducked into a toxic headspace. i know this feeling–and i have been trying to teach myself to weaponize this familiarity, to use it to delve into self reflection and combat the deprecating power of sadness. and guess what? i am still learning to hold myself worthy of space and time! i am not perfect and missed opportunities can’t possibly be the most vital ones, the idea that things can be sacred and once in a lifetime discredits the fact that you can still move forward, be happy, and have rewarding experiences in different places at different times. it is not a finite line of fulfilled or unfulfilled goals, we are living amongst a multiplicity of potentials.

~*~

i saw so many things this week and probably spent too much money. the man at the information counter in versailles was surprised to hear i was under eighteen and visiting the castle alone. are you a warrior? he asked me. you must be a warrior, he said.

kind people are everywhere. willing to help and share. i do not see this as some “hope in humanity” type of thing, because i always have believed in everyones capacity for good. i think morality is multifaceted and certainly don’t prescribe myself to the binary of good and evil. but i am aware and grateful for the kind acts of the people around me.

yesterday, my last day in paris, was spent with a group of very kind people. mutual friends have come to play an important role in my time abroad, and so the girlfriend of a friend of my friend who was willing to, despite the fact that we had never met (nor had i met her partner), meet with me, ended up leading to a wonderful day. i met her at noon and we waited for three of her friends to join us for bangladeshi food. we talked a lot about miyazaki films and art school and learning language. we eventually walked to a cafe that she frequents called la favorite, and drank coffee while waiting for another friend of hers to arrive. we all walked as a group through the pére lachaise cemetery. the sun was warm and contrasted perfectly with the cool green grounds. the group got bigger and we sat for hours talking in a cafe nearby the cemetery. eventually our plan to go to the movies turned into a plan to grab a drink and food. we got the cheapest possible supplies for sandwiches at the grocery, and ate fries and drank bitter parisian beer in a huge climbing center/bar down the street. now a table of six passionate women (the boyfriends had since parted ways), we loudly laughed and discussed things like polyamory and capitalism and what to do when your faves are problematic. when i spilled the last sip of my apple juice, the waiter gave me a full new bottle. a few friends then went to the bathroom to roll a joint and make the ham and cheese sandwiches (our contraband) and the rest of us laughed at the weirdness of the situation, especially for me, in paris with a bunch of lovely people ive just met waiting on cheap sandwiches made in a bathroom. i told one of my favorite stories about sneaking into the swimming pool in the middle of the night with one of the most important friends i have.

i was sent off with warmth and the promising future of seeing five of them again in april when they visit berlin. i accidentally said to one of them in the rush of the moment (i had to catch the metro) that i found her book collection interesting and wanted to exchange letters with her. i think thats a good description of me most of the time, not exactly my ideal form but nonetheless, a “romantic in a rush.”

i realized, on my way back to the apartment on the metro, with a ham and cheese sandwich on a baguette made for me by kind friends (they ended up not even taking sandwiches for themselves, just making one for me!) that i am cared for, and that most of all, i will miss them. that i had (and this isn’t an often occurrence) succeeded in making an impression i was comfortable with, or maybe that i had “been myself” and felt accepted which, ever since i read nin, has become apparent to me as more of a challenge than everyone makes it out to be. this feeling undid the disappointment of not making friends with the other americans i noticed at the mitski concert when i probably easily could have. and it reaffirmed my faith in opportunities being in abundance, not existing in a linear strand.

i miss them already!

this morning i woke up to a small comment mentioning that my new friend will miss me too. apparently she messaged our mutual thanking her for introducing us! i am looking forward to next time. this feeling brought me back into touch with what it is like to feel genuinely. anaïs nins diary was relatable in many ways, mostly in the ways it investigated authenticity and validity of self and truth. what is it to be honest? what importance does it hold? does my investment in fantasy make me a liar?

today i read in kaufmann’s the faith of the heretic that perhaps these are the wrong questions to be asking. instead of asking whether you are a lier or honest, ask how you can become more honest and more critical. to be a heretic is to challenge authority, to be honest is to not only be open to criticism (and then refuse to let it change you) but to be your own most severe critic, to commit to learning and change and challenge and doubt instead of lazily accepting promises of certainty (even when you know they are not true).

feeling in good company is genuine. it makes me feel honest when i listen.

~*~

this morning a family friend drove me around paris and bought me a classic parisian breakfast at le deux margot which had been too expensive for me to afford in the last four days. i enjoyed yogurt, an omelette, baguette with butter and jam, coffee, and freshly squeezed orange juice. theres nothing better than a full belly on a sunny day in paris, and i think one of the kindest gifts someone can give is a meal.

i am writing from the plane to berlin. march stands before me like an ominous figure. my goals this month, the things i have to look forward to, are more abstract. i want to spend more quality time with people, see live music, play live music, make my host family feel good, read, exercise and spend time on my bike and outdoors, improve my german grammar, see good films and save money/spend less. i am bursting with passions and ideas and if i don’t continue to push myself to stay active, to move and listen, to write letters and reflect, to accept and be patient, then i run the risk of submitting to their threat of dominating my headspace. this would look like: depression, anxiety; instead of: creation, peacefulness.

and then will come spring. and we can devote ourselves to growth and renewal as if that isn’t what we’ve been doing our whole lives.

[universeinform-blog]

Mothers of young couple who ‘adored’ each other embrace at funeral

New Post has been published on https://universeinform.com/2017/03/31/mothers-of-young-couple-who-adored-each-other-embrace-at-funeral/

Mothers of young couple who ‘adored’ each other embrace at funeral

The grief-stricken mothers of a teenage couple who died in street traffic collision last week held each different in an extended embody on Thursday as the second of their funerals concluded.

Delia Keary (18) and Gary Kelly (18) were killed when the automobile wherein they had been journeying collided with a truck close to Abbeyfeale, Co Limerick.

At St Joseph’s Church in Ennis, Gary’s mother, Kim, was the primary to walk throughout the aisle to Delia’s mother, Rosie Gilboy, to sympathize with her on the death of her handiest baby. The two mothers held every different tightly as former faculty pals of the young couple at Rice College sang a commencement year tune in their memory.

A message from Delia’s mother become examine to the congregation, announcing: “Delia cherished Gary and he cherished her and he or she couldn’t have wished for an extra perfect boy to be with her.” different messages were read from friends of the couple, a lot of whom had also attended Gary’s funeral in Ennis on Wednesday.

All her pals informed of ways lots she cherished and loved Gary and approximately how plenty whilst on nights out, she would message Gary from all her buddies’ telephones pronouncing ‘I miss Gary’,” an own family friend instructed the congregation.

“Another buddy said that Gary fell in love with Delia the moment he met the six-foot stunner even as Some other pal stated that ‘Gary could thoughts her now like he usually did, so we shouldn’t fear’.”

Any other buddy recalled how “Delia was so lucky to have a Mum like Rosie and she or he should speak to her approximately something”, at the same time as Every other said “I suppose that everybody fell in love with Delia, her excellent smile, her crazy imagination and her deep blue eyes and the love that she certainly radiated”.

Some other buddy said Delia “is someone who would assist us at our lowest, elevate us better at our first-rate and make the relaxation of our time really worth dwelling

Nutrition for Expecting Women and Breastfeeding Mothers

Maximum women usually think twice about the use of food supplements when they may be watching for a toddler. girls surely ought to take all of the essential precautions earlier than taking any medication throughout this very critical part of their lives.

GNLD Global (Golden Neo-Life Diamite) is a worldwide company delivering organic whole food vitamins supplements to fitness aware people considering that 1958 and GNLD nutritional merchandise are especially advocated to be used by means of pregnant girls and people who are presently breastfeeding.

Aid for all girls

GNLD offers a whole line of top rate pleasant supplements to offer nutrient Support for watching for women as well as mothers who’re nursing. These nutritional can assist mothers to complement the key nutrients which are essential for mother and baby. Pregnant women want a variety of dietary Aid, even after giving birth. Moms have to fill up their delivery of vitamins for his or her infant’s sake.

Seasoned Vitality P.C.

The GNLD Pro Vitality % is considered one of the numerous multi-nutritional products from GNLD. Each % incorporates an equal wholesome vitamin you may get from a regularly encouraged dose of clean end result and greens, essentially coming from the carotenoid complicated content material. A steady balanced fruit and veggie diet enables enhance mom’s blood circulation and reduces the possibilities of delivery defects. Each Percent includes a carotenoid complex, one Tre-en-en, and one Salmon Oil Plus. In other words; Pro Power % consists of essential vitamins that promote ideal prenatal improvement.

Zinc (Chelated)

Each discerns would not need their newborns to expand any start defects, which makes zinc an essential mineral in mommy’s weight loss plan. This GNLD mineral product also includes chelated amino acids to make it less complicated to soak up. Not simplest does it prevent start defects in newborns, zinc also improves the general immune health of a baby. Making it a vital thing.

GNLD Formulation IV Plus

Some other counseled nutritional % from the road of GNLD merchandise is Formulation IV Plus. This endorsed product gives all the crucial nutrients, minerals, and folic acid that moms (and everybody else) want. mothers who want that greater burst of power to beat down stress can get it from this diet energy Percent.

Cal-Mag + vitamin D (Chelated)

This is one of the GNLD products this is often recommended for pregnant moms. ladies want sound bones and tooth given that they may be extra susceptible to osteoporosis than men. This critical vitamin and mineral complement supplies the crucial quantities of both calcium and magnesium. The word that enough quantities of magnesium allow with uterine contraction ache at some point of the time when ladies are approximate to present start.

My Husband Chose The Other Woman Over Me, But Now He’s Totally Changed His Mind And Wants Me Back

In a few marriages which have been marred via an affair, there comes a time when the husband has to select among the alternative girl and the wife. The wife is typically hoping that he’ll do the proper component and selected her. This doesn’t always happen even though. It is regularly assumed that after the husband chooses the other girl, the wedding is over. However what takes place while the husband realizes that he has made a mistake and wishes his marriage back? It could be an extremely hard state of affairs with many variables to don’t forget.

To demonstrate, a careworn spouse would possibly say: “I was devastated whilst my husband announced that he could not provide the other female up. He said that he had developed real and lasting feelings for her and that they were going to try to make their dating ultimate. So he loaded up his car, started goodbye to the youngsters at the same time as absolutely everyone turned into sobbing, and went and moved in with her.

I thought that this would be the stop of my marriage and that I tried to pick out up the portions as satisfactory as I ought to. A final couple of months has been a nightmare for my children and myself. However what desire did I’ve? I have just been taking things daily. Nicely, almost three months after he left us, my husband came through the residence and once we put the kids to bed, he told me that he made a grave mistake. He says that being with the other female full time made him recognize that she isn’t always who the idea that she became.

He says their relationship is absolutely over and that he now wishes his marriage lower back. Nicely, what approximately what I need? I might tell him to head bounce in a lake and that It’s too overdue for all of this. However, I see how miserable my children have been without their dad. My mother and father had been divorced and this affected me deeply. I don’t need to try this to my youngsters. But I’m now not positive how our marriage can ever work due to the fact I understand that once the chips were down, he chose a person else. I’m not certain that I will ever recover from this. All I keep considering is that I wasn’t his first choice. So a part of me thinks that saving our marriage is simply going to a waste of time for each folk and it will get my youngsters’ hopes up needlessly. I simply do not know what to do.”

I surely recognize your confusion, ache, and frustration. I trust that most of the people would sense precisely the same manner. This is a difficult scenario. And my inclination in situations like This is to not make any snap or brief selections. You do not decide to save your marriage proper now.

You ought not even to make any most important choices proper now. You may inform your husband which you are willing to spend extra time together within the close to future for the sake of your kids, But you can not make any guarantees past that.

Grief: A Strange Emotion And Why We Need To Embrace It

Grief, is a peculiar emotion.

It took me almost forty-eight hours to to start with check in and then secondly, digest the reality that forty something (please excuse me for not having the precise facts) human beings exceeded away inside the plane crash in Pakistan on December 7th, 2016. While a few people mourned over the lack of a, as soon as-upon-a-time singer Junaid Jamshed

Others grieved over the lack of (the same person) an inspiring evangelist. Then there were others who shed tears over the loss of those other 40 some thing human beings (whose lives are similarly important). I think for me, it become no longer so much about Junaid Jamshed or the relaxation of the shaheed. It was greater to do with what I learned approximately myself and approximately grief.

The night before the plane crash, I used to be reading an autobiography approximately a neurosurgeon (Paul Kalanithi) who changed into recognized with lung most cancers at the age of thirty-six. This younger man had reached the top of his profession whilst he found out he had cancer – level IV. Through his beautiful words, I started to sense his bittersweet feelings, became in awe of his perseverance, and turned into subsequently inspired by his popularity of demise. Paul’s tale is a truth and this very fact of him residing with most cancers, practising medicine, and writing his autobiography in the midst of all the chaos has profound awareness approximately loss of life, decay and what makes human existence meaningful.

I started to sense his bittersweet feelings, became in awe of his perseverance, and turned into subsequently inspired by his popularity of demise. Paul’s tale is a truth and this very fact of him residing with most cancers, practising medicine, and writing his autobiography in the midst of all the chaos has profound awareness approximately loss of life, decay and what makes human existence meaningful.

[viralhottopics]

Can I forgive the man who raped me?

Thordis Elva was raped aged 16. Years later, she emailed Tom Stranger, the man who raped her, beginning a raw, painful healing process documented in their book South of Forgiveness. In this extract, they meet to find a way forward

Thordis Elvais from Iceland and known to Icelandersas a writer, playwright, journalist and public speaker. She was voted Woman of the Year 2015 by the Federation of Icelandic Womens Societies in Reykjavik for her work on gender equality, and has written a celebrated book on gender-based violence, 2009s mannamli (The Plain Truth). She currently resides in Stockholm, Sweden with her partner Vidir and their son.

Tom Stranger is Australian. He met Elva when he was 18 and on a student exchange programme in Iceland, and the pair had a relationship. Since then, he has worked in various sectors (community services, youth, outdoor recreation, charity, construction, and hospitality). For now, he is working as a landscape gardener and lives in Sydney with his wife, Cat.

From: tomsstranger@hotmail.com Sent: Saturday 21 May 2005, 5.38am To: thordiselva@hotmail.com Subject: Words for you Thordis, I dont know where to start. When I saw your name in my inbox, my spine went cold. My memories are still as clear as day. Please believe me when I say I have not forgotten what I did, and how wary I have to be of myself. I dont know how to reply. I want to call myself sick (but I know I am not), I want to say that you are so strong, so strong to be able to write to me and recall the events and my actions. I want to thank you for not hating me, although Id like you to. It would make it easier for me. Without looking for a scratch of sympathy, I want to tell you that the events and emotions I was party to in Iceland have replayed in my head many times, usually when I am by myself for any length of time. They flash past me, vividly accurate, and then, shortly after the denial and positive character reinforcement, comes the question: Who am I? It is a dark part of my memory. Ive tried to suppress it. But this is not about me. Whatever I can do or offer you, I am more than willing. The question is where to go from here. You tell me. Tom.

*****

After eight years of analysing the violent past and its consequences in a written correspondence, Thordis and Tom decide to meet up in the middle, between their home countries of Iceland and Australia, looking to face their past once and for all.

Day one, 27 March 2013

The taxi picks me up at a quarter to five and takes me to the bus station, where Im booked on the fly-bus. The grizzled taxi driver, hoisting my suitcase into the trunk with a smooth manoeuvre, asks me where Im going.

To South Africa.

Oh, really? To Johannesburg?

No, to Cape Town, I reply, still in disbelief at my own words despite the time Ive had to adjust to the idea. It would be an understatement to say that the proposed meeting has been on my mind. Its reverberated in every step when Ive gone out for a run; its been in every breath of cold winter air that scraped the insides of my lungs; its soaked the wet washcloth I used to clean my sons sticky fingers. And Ive tried my best to push it out of my mind when making love to my fiance, enjoying his warm skin against mine.

After all, that would be a highly inappropriate time to be thinking about it.

From the moment the destination was set, I adapted to a new calendar before or after Cape Town. The last time I bought deodorant I automatically deduced that I wouldnt have to buy another one until after Cape Town. Yesterday, when snuggling down with my three-year-old son to do some painting together, spending quality time with him BC momentarily appeased my guilt for leaving him for 10 days to travel halfway across the globe to face a man from the past without any guarantee of the outcome.

Something tells me that parents of young children are not meant to take such foolhardy decisions. Thats the reason I gave up my dreams of parachuting when I fell pregnant with my son. Then again, throwing myself out of an aeroplane at 7,000 feet carries less emotional risk than taking a trip down memory lane with the man who turned my existence upside down. Because it wasnt an unknown lunatic who tore my life apart all those years ago. Who turned down the offer of medical help for me, even though I was barely conscious and vomiting convulsively. Who decided instead to rape me for two endless hours.

It was my first love.

My mothers eyes flew wide open when I told her that I was travelling alone to South Africa to meet up with the man who raped me when I was 16. She strung together a series of hair-raising worst-case scenarios before letting out a sigh, looking at me with loving reluctance, and adding: But I know its pointless to try to talk you out of things youve set your mind to, dear. Shortly thereafter, my dad interrupted my packing when he dropped by for a coffee. Despite my attempt to break the news to him in the gentlest manner possible, it didnt prevent him from freaking out. He lectured me in a thundering voice about how I was jeopardising my life for an utterly ridiculous idea.

But I have to finish this chapter of my life, I said softly. My cheeks were on fire.

Finish this chapter? he repeated, appalled, and jumped out of his chair. You dont need to travel across the globe to finish anything! This whole idea is a big pretentious drama, thats what it is!

His words hit me right where it hurts.

Youll have no control over anything. Nothing but your thoughts! Nothing else!

What do you mean? I asked, confused. Ill obviously control my actions and whereabouts.

No you wont, dear, he hissed. You cant always. If you could, then that wouldnt have happened.

We both knew what he meant by that, even though weve never talked about the incident that changed everything. In recent years, Ive spoken widely and publicly about my status as a rape survivor (though, until now, never identified the man who raped me) yet my father and I have never discussed that fateful night. He has never asked and Ive always assumed he doesnt want to know.

I sat up straight, aware of my glowing cheeks. If you reduce me to victim and him to perpetrator, I can see how this seems incomprehensible to you. But were much more than that, Dad.

He scoffed loudly before storming out of the kitchen.

I leant against the wall and let the air out of my lungs slowly. Goddamn it. I knew this would be hard, but bloody hell.

My father appeared again in the doorway, pacing up and down with frustration I knew was fuelled by fatherly love. How can you be sure youll finish anything with this nonsense? This may just as easily be the start of something else entirely! The distress in his voice made it sound like a threat.

I sat alone in the silence my father left behind and watched the dust settle. In a way, I think were both right. This trip will surely mark an end to a certain chapter of my life. What sets me apart from my father is my belief that in the next chapter, I wont be the victim any more.

Day two, 28 March 2013

The screen in the seatback in front of me shows a blinking plane over a map. According to the timer, Cape Town is just 29 minutes away. The butterflies in my stomach nose-dive, as the time seems way too limited considering how many questions are left unanswered.

Goddamn it, what if I cant forgive him? Am I ready to let go?

Frustrated, I scroll through the folder on my laptop, searching for something to calm my nerves. I was level-headed enough when I suggested this trip, wasnt I? In an attempt to recover my faith in this risky undertaking, I read through my own proposal:

You may need a lifetime to forgive yourself for what you did to me. That is up to you and you take however long you need, independent of anyone else. I, however, am climbing a different mountain. And I am getting very close to the top. I propose that in six months time, we meet up with the intention of reaching forgiveness, once and for all. In person. It is the only proper way for me to do it, I feel. No letter can ever compare with face-to-face communication. And after all weve been through, I think it is the most dignified and honest way to finish this chapter of our story.

I sound so calm, so fucking reasonable. How is it possible that this was written by the same person now hyperventilating in a plane 30,000ft over South Africa, full of nerve-racking doubt?

Reading through his reply, Im somewhat comforted that he, too, felt conflicted:

Ill admit that I was floored by your request to meet up. Fearful, anxious, cautious, paranoid. You name it, it all came swarming in. But youve asked, and you sound like you are making vital ground towards something very special for yourself. So of course Ill agree to see you. After much thought I do think it will be beneficial, and an opportunity for myself to air face-to-face some long held words and for us both to look to close some doors. I want it for you, Thordis, as you seem strong, open and ready to see me and move forward. I want it for me because Im so very sick of being sick and seeing myself as unlovable, and believe I can move on if I could just look you in the face, own up to it and say Im sorry.

Forgiveness is the only way, I tell myself, because whether or not he deserves my forgiveness, I deserve peace. Because Im doing this for me. My forgiveness is white-hot from the whetstone, and its purpose is to sever the ties, because if I can let this go, once and for all, Im certain that my overall wellbeing will benefit greatly. Self-preservation at its best.

Day four, 30 March 2013

Its seven oclock when we buy ourselves a drink at the hotel bar and sit down by a table facing the garden, readying ourselves for the hard talk. The windowpane clatters loudly, and an endless stream of staff crossing the room distracts me to the point where I give up. What do you say about us finishing this conversation in my room?

He looks at me, shocked. Are you sure? Youre comfortable with that?

Im sure that itll be easier to have this talk if we get proper privacy. Its tough enough as it is.

Tom radiates ever-increasing anxiety as the elevator climbs closer to the 12th floor. Unlike him, my emotions have calmed down.

Almost serene, I step out of the elevator. Theres no turning back now.

He buries his hands in his pockets as I fish my key out of my bag in front of my hotel room. Putting my hand on the doorknob, it morphs into the white plastic door-handle with the keyhole that haunts my dreams. Within me, everything falls silent. Ready? I ask myself.

Without hesitation, I turn the key.

Tom follows me inside my room, takes a look around and smiles nervously. Not bad.

Sit wherever you like. Im going to make some tea.

Thordiss student ID from around the time she met Tom. Photograph: Courtesy of Thordis Elva

He sits down on the edge of the bed while I busy myself with the kettle. From the corner of my eye, I notice him closing his eyes and straightening his back, as if hes steeling himself. When the boiling water hits the teabag at the bottom of the cup, Tom begins the story in a hoarse voice. I wore my golden shirt that evening. I didnt know it was customary to get dressed up for a dance in Iceland, and I didnt have anything fancy. The son of my host family took me to an exclusive store and helped me choose the shirt. I thought it was the peak of cool, at the time. The striped trousers were a present from my host sister.

He accepts the steaming teacup from my hand and stares into it for a moment before continuing. I remember how excited I was when I bought the ticket. I remember that I was with my friends Carlos and Ben when we met you outside the dance. You were pretty drunk when you arrived.

It was the first time Id ever tasted rum, I tell him. I didnt know how to drink alcohol. Nor did I know how to smoke, even though I took a drag from the rolled cigarette you handed me. I just wanted to impress you. And after the ensuing wild cough, I wondered if perhaps that wasnt a cigarette, I remind myself.

I lost you the minute we stepped inside, Tom continues. Carlos and I went straight to the dancefloor. I remember feeling happy and carefree in that sweaty pile of people. Then someone told me you werent well, you were in the ladies.

My mind replays the awful scene from the bathroom stall. The stains on my new dress. My hair wet from hugging the toilet. My fear and wonder as one spasm after the other wrung my body out like a dishrag. The repeated promises that Id neither drink nor smoke again if I were only allowed to survive this night. And finally, the desperate wish for my mom to come save me. I fucked up, Mom. Im sorry.

Tom frowns. I felt it was my duty to go and check on you. So I went in and climbed over the partition, into your cubicle. I held your hair back while you vomited, and I thought I was going to be sick as well. Then you flopped to the ground and lay there, motionless. I remember carrying you out.

He pauses and looks away. Before I have a chance to tell him how grateful I was when he appeared like my mother incarnate to save me from an untimely death on the bathroom floor, he grimaces bitterly. Then I couldnt be bothered to look after you, Thordis. I dumped you on Ben and left you with him. You were slumped on the chairs outside the bathrooms and he stood there, stooped over you, as I went back to the dancefloor.

I look at him in surprise. I thought youd taken me straight home.

He clenches his jaw. My only thought was that this was the only Christmas dance I was going to experience in Iceland. I was selfish and didnt have any concern for you. In the end, I felt guilty that some other guy was looking after my girlfriend. So I scooped you up in my arms and carried you up the stairs, in a foul mood because I had to leave the party.

And the security guards stopped you on the way out because they wanted to call an ambulance for me as I was dangling from your arms, foaming at the mouth. They thought I had alcohol poisoning.

Id forgotten that moment but I dont doubt it, he says in a low voice.

Tom Stranger in 1996, the year he went to Iceland. Photograph: Courtesy of Tom Stranger

I remember that part vividly because for a second there, I thought youd take their advice, I respond, looking down into my cup. That Mom and Dad would get a call from the hospital saying that their 16-year-old daughter was lying there with alcohol poisoning. I imagined being grounded for life.

Id known for three years by then what it is to drink to excess, and Id seen many of my friends at various stages of drunkenness. I just thought you were wasted. I didnt think you were in real danger, he says.

Whatever it was, it had me paralysed and unable to speak. But I heard you loud and clear as you refused the offer of an ambulance, telling the security guards that you knew me and would see me safely home.

He nods, his complexion strangely pale. The taxi was white, I recall. I told the driver your address I remember letting us into your house. But what I dont remember is what I did with you while I struggled to unlock the door.

You draped me across your shoulder while you rummaged round in my bag for the keys.

He raises his eyebrows. Really? Like a sack of potatoes?

I nod.

He swears at himself quietly. And I remember your entrance hall, the shoes on the floor. From memory, past the coat hooks there were some stairs on the left, leading up to the kitchen and your parents area. Your room was through on the right. He stops and swallows.

I remember taking your clothes off.

I remember it too. My gratitude when he removed my vomit-stained dress. My relief at having my feet freed from the high heels. My frustration for not being able to utter a word of thanks. My lack of understanding when he continued to remove my underwear. Why my panties? Why?

My stomach muscles reflexively tighten as I prepare for the blow.

He stands up, moving restlessly, and walks over to the wall opposite the bed. I undressed you completely… He falls silent and hangs his head. The wind howls pitifully outside the window.

Tom begins to cry.

I wish I could tell you why I did it, Thordis.

Did what?

Raped you, he says, quietly.

This is an edited extract from South of Forgiveness by Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger (Scribe Publications, 12.99). To order a copy for 11.04 go to bookshop.theguardian.com or call 0330 333 6846. Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger will be speaking at the Royal Festival Hall as part of the Women of the World festival on 11 March, and at the Bristol Festival of Ideas on 13 March

People were quick to judge I wasnt angry enough: what came next for Thordis and Tom

Standing in stark stage lights, with five cameras directed at me, I recently found myself on a stage, telling an audience of 1,200 how Id been raped when I was 16 years old. Next to me on stage was Tom, who raped me after a dance at our high school. Together, we gave a TED talk that summarised a 20-year long process, whereby Tom shouldered responsibility for his actions and the way they impacted our lives. It was viewed nearly 2m times in the first week and the overwhelming reaction was positive and supportive.

In the talk, I described the violence Tom subjected me to, how I spent years wanting nothing more than to hurt him back, how I found a way to part with the anger that nearly cost me my life, as well as rid myself of blame that I like so many other survivors wrongfully shouldered.

Tom described how he felt deserving of my body that night, without any concern for me, and consequently convinced himself that what he did was sex and not rape. The following nine years were marked by denial, in which he did his best to outrun the past, until I confronted him in a pivotal email that changed our lives for ever.

Ive been asked why I didnt press charges immediately, and the simple answer to that question is that I was a 16-year-old girl with naive notions about rape. Rapes were committed by armed lunatics, the kind of sensationalised monsters you saw on TV and read about in the papers. The fact that Tom wasnt a monster, but a person who made an awful decision, made it harder for me to see his crime for what it was. That way, the demonisation of perpetrators in mainstream media got in the way of my recovery. By the time I was able to identify what had happened to me as rape, Tom had moved to the other side of the planet, far from the jurisdiction of the Icelandic police. At the time, 70% of rape cases in Iceland were dismissed, even when the perpetrator could be interrogated and the survivor had documented injuries, neither of which were the case for me. Therefore, pressing charges would not have been a fruitful process, and the only option I felt I had left was to bottle up my pain and anger. Studies show that very few survivors have a clean-cut story in which they went straight to the authorities after being assaulted, put the blame squarely on the perpetrators shoulders, healed their wounds and moved on. For most of us, life after violence is a messy ordeal. We dont go to the police because were too confused, scared or doubtful that well get help. We blame ourselves and obsess about things we couldve done differently. We numb ourselves with alcohol/drugs/sex/food/work, or we turn to self-harm to relieve the emotional pain. We continue to see our abusers and pretend that nothing happened, because facing the truth is overwhelming. We develop PTSD and mental illness. We stay silent about what happened out of fear that well not be believed, or worse, blamed for it because we did something wrong. No wonder, really. In reality, the only people capable of preventing rapes are those who commit them, and yet were told from an early age that we can avoid being raped by dressing and behaving in a certain way. This culture of victim-blaming also fosters the idea that there is a right way to react to violence. Had the survivor only worn something else, not smiled so widely, not gotten drunk, fought back (more), screamed (louder), gone straight to the police, not feared their attackers retaliation if theyd only done that, everything wouldve worked out differently. Victim-blaming deepens the shame that many survivors feel and lessens the likelihood that they speak up about their experiences.

Watch Thordis Elva and Tom Strangers TED talk.

The reality is that there is no right reaction to having your life ripped apart by violence. I knew that my collaboration with Tom would be controversial, and the reactions of internet trolls didnt surprise me. But I am concerned with how quick some people were to judge the wrong way in which I worked through my experience. I wasnt angry enough, I shouldve pressed charges, I was setting a dangerous precedent, I should be ashamed. Although I made it clear that my forgiveness wasnt for my perpetrator but for myself and that without it, I wouldnt be alive, I was still told that I should not have forgiven.

This worries me. I worry about my fellow survivors who are at risk of internalising the misconception that there is a standard reaction to sexual violence, with the conclusion that they didnt react in the right way. To you, I want to say that you did nothing wrong. The way in which you carried on with your life may not have been clean-cut, it may have been messy and incomprehensible to those who dont share your experience, but it was your way to survive a trauma. Nobody has the right to tell you how to handle your deepest pain.

And as the title of our story South of Forgiveness suggests, forgiveness played a pivotal role in allowing me to let go of the self-blame I shouldered, largely due to the victim-blaming culture I grew up in. And yet, forgiveness is not the core of our story, in my mind. The core issue is responsibility.

I understand those who feel discomfort and even outrage when hearing and seeing Tom on stage, knowing that hes perpetrated sexual violence. At the same time, given how prevalent this type of abuse is and how under-reported a crime it is, were in all likelihood seeing and hearing from perpetrators on a daily basis the main difference being that we dont know theyre perpetrators. They could be the people we went to school with, who greet us at the grocery store, who direct the films we watch, get elected to public office, run entire countries and live right next door. Given the low reporting and conviction rate, most of them will never have to take responsibility for their actions in an institutional sense. This does not lessen the gravity of their deeds.

By the time Tom had confessed to his crime, he couldnt have done time for it even if he wanted to, as the statute of limitations had passed. As a result, our case fell through the cracks of the legal system, like so many others, but it didnt lessen our need to analyse our past and place the responsibility with the person to whom it belonged: Tom. We also did our best to answer questions that are rarely posed in the public discourse about rape, where more focus seems to be on the survivors attire, behaviour, whereabouts and sexual history than the perpetrators culpability. And as frustrating as it is, I understand it to a certain extent. Because in the public discourse, the only people speaking about the violence theyve been party to are the survivors, usually. Which is why we only have their stories to dissect, their details to scrutinise. Did she say shed been drinking that night? This tradition of one-sided scrutiny blindsides us from looking at the behaviour of the person responsible, the perpetrator, to whom the focus needs to shift.

I am not sharing the story of how I processed the abuse I endured as a set of recommendations for others.

My story is a unique account shared in the hope that it can aid a public discussion about sexual violence.

As a society, it is our duty to fight against violence. And as individuals, we have a right to heal from it.

Read more: http://bit.ly/2lUbi8H

from Can I forgive the man who raped me?