#ive made up my mind to tell my mom the truth this pride month so i am bracing myself for that too

[taohs]

i came out to my coworker !!!!

[raendown]

My piece for a private ShikaSaku exchange, prompt from @chinarai. I had a small panic a few days ago when I realized I had finished this and then promptly forgotten it for about a month. xD That’s what happens when you work on too many things at once!

Pairing: ShikamaruSakura Word count: 5582 Rated: T+ Summary: A retelling of the Hades and Persephone myth in which tales depicting the beauty of Spring have spread even to the underworld where they catch the attention of one who rules in the shadows.

Follow the link or read it under the cut!

KO-FI and commission info in the header!

Equinox Absconding

i.

He’s hiding up in the branches of an apple tree covered in reluctant blossoms when they meet for the first time. Sakura isn’t sure what it is about the blossoms on the tree that put her in mind of reluctance, perhaps the way most of the petals have only half opened with many trying to curl back in to slumber, but it seems appropriate considering the sulking expression on the young god looking down at her. The shadows at her feet twist and snap with the desire to reach for the trunk but she holds them back for fear of withering even such a sleepy tree.

“Abed at noon,” she notes. “Except you appear to have misplaced your bed.”

“It’s my garden, I can sleep wherever I want.” The young god watches her from one eye, allowing the other to fall shut as though he intends to take half a nap.

Sakura whispers to her shadows to soothe them as she tilts her chin up to get a better look at this young man’s face. The God of Spring if she isn’t mistaken. Rumors rarely make their way to her in the underworld where she reigns but this man, this young god with his beautiful face and lazy flowers growing in his hair, she has heard of him more than once. They say he is divine to behold and that much is true, she thinks. But they also say that he is lazy and Sakura thinks with no small amount of amusement that rumors are always grounded in at least some truth. Nothing she has heard of this man has proved unfounded.

Under the looseness of his muscles where he lays draped between the branches, however, the one half-lidded eye that watches her is sharp with an intelligence that doesn’t just pique her interest – it holds her captive in the most wonderful of ways. She’s always appreciated a man with a proper head on his shoulders.

Mortal men are always such predictable disappointments in that area, feeble minds saturated with undeserved pride and always falling prey to one vice or another.

“Have I your permission to enter this garden?” Sakura asks. Being polite is as foreign and awkward as any other social interaction after the long seasons of being sequestered away with only the dead for company but even she knows that manners will get her farther than demands or flexing her muscles. It’s a disappointment to see one of his eyebrows quirk ever so slightly in a forbidding manner.

“No. Entertaining company is bothersome and all I want to do right now is take a nice long nap. The gardens are closed today.” With that he closes his second eye with a deliberateness that speaks to dismissal and Sakura is left gaping up at him.

“As you wish,” she murmurs.

It’s more shock than anything else that he could deny her so easily and for such a flimsy reason that has her bowing and turning away. To disrespect a fellow god in their own territory where their powers are strongest would not be the wisest course of action. Sakura isn’t stupid by half and she knows the tactical advantages in a well-timed retreat, how to use that time given to regroup and make new plans.

 ii.

Only a month passes before Sakura finds herself once more standing at the entrance to the gardens brought forth by Yoshino, the Goddess of the Harvest and Fertility, to keep her son pleased and encourage him never to leave her side. Such strong maternal love isn’t something Sakura experienced for herself but she can imagine from the way the God of Spring gazes longingly in to the distance that it must be a heavy and suffocating burden to bear. Oh the things she would do to lift the burden from those drooping shoulders.

And the many more things she would do to keep those piercing eyes fixed on her and nothing else.

“I see that today is not a day for idling in the treetops,” she notes upon finding him spread out on a rock with his face tilted up to feel the sun’s warmth. Something in the languid lines of his body reminds her of a coiled spring. How fitting.

“Broke one of the branches,” he admits. “Mom was furious. She won’t let me back up there until the tree has healed and it’s way too troublesome to fight with her.”

“Are you often at odds with your matriarch?”

Instead of answering the young god sits up, sending a thrill down Sakura’s spine to have his full attention seemingly so easily, but then he frowns and cocks his head to one side in curiosity. “Your speech is ancient. No one talks like that anymore, you know that right? It makes you sound really stuffy.”

“You will find, I think, that I am not nearly so stuffy as you have judged me.”

Injured pride ripples through her and demands that she protest harder, prove herself to this young stripling that insults her so easily, but Sakura only breathes deeply and holds her temper with great effort. She can tell he’s aware of the blow he struck by the quirk of his lips. Anger aside, it is a triumph to have made him smile even if doing so was at her own expense. With his dark hair and all the secrets hiding behind that shadowed smile Sakura cannot help but think that he was born to follow her in to the underworld. Born or molded; it’s hard to tell with all the shenanigans that go on when the other members of the pantheon start mucking about with each other, a madness she prefers to stay well away from.

“Who said I was judging you? All I said was that it makes you sound stuffy. It was advice, just in case you make a regular habit of going around and chatting up whatever men you find stuck in trees.” He arches one eyebrow and Sakura can feel the still heart in her chest crash painfully against her ribs. His face is all angles and each one of them is more beautiful than the last.

“Have I your permission to enter this garden?” she asks, feeling much more confident of his good will this time. Which is what makes it such a shock to once more see him closing his eyes and laying back down with a shake of his head.

“Nope. I really do just want to nap. This place is so boring.”

Sakura thinks she could make any plane of any world less boring for him if only he would let her try but she is the queen of the dead; despite her temper she is well aware the benefits to be found in patience.

“As you wish,” is all she says as her shadows twist and reach – and she is gone from the gardens a moment later.

 iii.

They meet.

 iv.

And they meet.

 v.

And they meet again, always in the garden where he denies her entrance. By the third time she suspects that it is for no reason but his own amusement and by the fifth time she knows from the smile in his eyes as he catches sight of her yet again. Sakura thinks to herself that she would act all kinds of a fool to have that smile catch her in its light.

Today she is asked for no foolery but instead is greeted with a bit of laughter as the young god leans back against the branch he has settled himself on.

“You don’t give up, do you?” he calls down.

“I have been called tenacious by many,” she admits. Then with a teasing smile she adds, “Hardheaded by many others.”

“Troublesome.”

Laughter in his voice tells her that, although he may declare her troublesome, that does not mean he finds her unworthy of his company. As evidenced by the way he seems to pause and wait for the question she has asked him several times before. Sakura wonders why he appears eager to send her away so quickly this time but it is not for her to ask such things, only for her to say the words he so clearly expects.

“Have I your permissions to enter this garden?”

“Sure.”

Sakura blinks, a momentary pause that she recovers from quite nicely, in her opinion. Within seconds she is at his side as he heaves himself up like the effort will cost him a millennia of his life span and then they are walking. Each footstep touching upon the earth deliberate and slow. Sakura thrills to be so close to the one who has captured her interest so thoroughly.

“My name is Shikamaru,” he offers and it isn’t until he does that she first realizes she’s been avoiding using his name even in her thoughts.

“And mine is Sakura, queen of the damned, keeper of the gates to Tartarus and goddess of the underworld, tasked with guiding dead souls who have crossed the river Styx. It is my infinite pleasure to make your acquaintance.” For a moment she considers bowing but there is only one to whom she has ever bowed and, despite being the ruler of Olympus, Kakashi mostly doesn’t care for that sort of thing anyway.

“I already knew all that,” Shikamaru points out.

“Permit me this one chance to brag,” Sakura jests. “I so rarely meet any of the living that I haven’t before.”

For whatever reason her companion seems to find this incredibly amusing, poking gentle fun at her for being boring and a shut-in as they wander through the trees and the flowers that make up the garden where he spends his time. Sakura gives in after several minutes and points out that he counts as the same, no matter that his domain is infinitely prettier than her own. The brief wrinkling of his nose is enough to tell her that his stationary habits are less of his own desire and more due to outside restrictions.

She doesn’t think she is very far off the mark for guessing his mother as the cause.

Together they wander among the gardens, talking as easily as though they have known each other for eons, and Sakura makes careful note of every reaction to every mention of Yoshino. It wouldn’t do to act before she is sure – but by the time she leaves the garden she is more than sure.

And she is already making plans. It simply won’t do to allow Shikamaru to continue on in this stifled existence.

 vi.

With a knowing look on her face Sakura looks Shikamaru directly in the eye as she steps in to his garden without asking permission. He shakes his head and turns away but she catches sight of the smile on his face and that is all the confidence she needs to stride boldly forward where she now knows she is more than welcome. Shikamaru gives off a rather ostentatious sigh and mumbles just loud enough for her to hear about bothersome guests and all the trouble it would be to evict them.

Sakura draws her shadows in close as she bends to admire some of the flowers growing near her, wisteria of the softest purples she has ever seen, and does her best to project a casual air when she speaks.

“I have often thought that my domain could use such colors but alas, I’ve no talent for growing myself. The touch of Death affects all mortal things.” And oh how she is grateful not to have given her heart away to a mortal. Too many times she has greeted the victims of that chaos at the gates of the underworld to ever become embroiled in the same idiocies.

“Are you trying to be subtle?” Shikamaru asks. “Because it’s not working.”

“Has my lack of subtlety affected your answer in any way?”

“Well I feel a bit more like laughing at you.” He grins and reaches close to her to pluck a gardenia close to the blossoms she had been admiring. It twirls between his fingers like spring on spring, growth in the hands of growth, and Sakura admires the petals’ dance while picturing the two of them dancing the same.

How ethereal he would look with that long hair of his let down to flow around his shoulders, a crown of bones to match her own all woven through with the flowers and fruits he holds such a deep connection to. Even her own hair, an ironic pink that stands out so stark against the darkness of her domain, cannot hope to hold a candle to the delicate shades of red that splash over Shikamaru’s cheeks when he catches her watching him so closely, hanging on his every word with genuine interest. His mind is as beautiful as the solid lines of his body and his conversation is as riveting as the depths of his deep, dark eyes.

Sakura looks upon her chosen and thinks to herself that he has eyes that were made for the underworld.

“You are not happy here,” she guesses. Shikamaru huffs.

“Mother’s always on about ‘do this’ and ‘do that’ or ‘you’ll never make a proper god unless you work hard at it’. It’s all so boring.”

Daring to brush his fingers with her own, Sakura holds her palm just out of reach of the delicate flower in his grasp. “If you would allow me to, nothing would please me more than bringing you to a place where I believe you could be happy.”

“Sell me on it,” Shikamaru laughs.

“You need be nothing but what you already are – for who can improve upon perfection?” He laughs again when she winks playfully, one of her shadows coming up to tickle his chin. “A garden for your very own to make of it what you will, a palace of bone and fertile earth for you to grow and fill and call your home. A place at my side. Imagine, sweet Spring, the many eons you can spend dozing to your heart’s content in the warmth of the underworld with your head pillowed on my lap.” There are other things she has to give yet not many that she thinks might impress him. A greedy human, perhaps, might have been taken in by the endless riches she has collected over the millennia but Shikamaru is different from them – he possesses an actual brain in his head.

“Hm, is that all? I have a place to grow here, you know. Maybe not a palace but I make due.” He is only teasing, she can see that he has already been won over. Still she turns her body to face him and steps a little closer until her diminutive size demands that she tilt her chin to look up at him through her lashes.

“Books,” she whispers. “Entire civilizations that have risen only to fall, knowledge lost to all who walk the surface of the earth, tomes no mortal eyes have ever gazed upon. All of these I have read before and would be most happy to discuss with you once you have devoured them for yourself.”

No beast or creatures, no man or woman or god of any pantheon, none have ever looked at her quite like Shikamaru looks at her then, with joy in his eyes and the rapture of finding home.

Sakura finds that the feelings under her breast are so large that she cannot contain them without some form of expression. She delights in the look of wonder Shikamaru gives her as she turns and crashes her fist in to the earth, cracking it open until a great chasm stretches out before them. When she rights herself again she delicately brushes the dirt from her knuckles before turning to offer her hand to the god she is sure in the deepest reaches of her heart is meant for her and her alone.

“Come with me,” is her siren call.

His fingers slide in to hers with a mischievous smile and she is falling in love all over again.

 vii.

Shikamaru glows in the darkness of her lair. For all that his hair is as black as the earth around him Sakura cannot help but think that he brings light in to every room he wanders through, breathing life in to the afterworld in a way that leaves her desperate for more. Never in her memory has she craved the company of another quite like she does with Shikamaru.

His eyes are curious and for the first time since they met his body in anything but languorous as he wanders from one end of her palace to the other. His fingers test the soil where she has promised he may grow his garden and his pulse jumps in his throat to find the library, seemingly endless rows of priceless tomes, all of them just waiting for his eager mind. When he comes to a door that is plain and unremarkable he notes the anomaly and reaches to open it – only for Sakura to gently lay a hand over his and shake her head.

“Unless you wish to greet the souls of the dead I would advise another path.”

“Don’t want me to know every part of your life?” he asks. “And here I thought you trusted me.” The words are playful but the tone running under his voice is steel, coiled in a spring and ready to burst, ready to leave if he decides that she is not quite what he thought of her after all. The thought rankles and Sakura wrinkles her nose at him with little dignity.

“I thought only to spare you but if you are so determined to gaze in to the void then be it on your own head. Know, however, that if madness touches you it will be my head your godly mother seeks vengeance from.”

“Oh come on, she won’t hurt you. I mean she would try, obviously, but I don’t think she’d get much of a hit in on you.” Without so much as breaking expression his eyes drift down to openly admire her biceps. Sakura looks away and pretends not to be affected, hoping the warmth in her cheeks doesn’t show.

Completely contrary to what she expects, it turns out that she has worried herself over nothing. The door opens and Shikamaru steps through the door to see the truth of her rule stretching out before him, pits and towers and endless fields of eternal souls despairing and rejoicing and holding tightly to the memories of their transient lives, an intricate tableau of the mortal experience that no one but Sakura has ever truly appreciated before.

All it takes is one look at him face to know that Shikamaru appreciates it. There is a beauty to be found in such raw emotion and as his entire being lights up with wonder Sakura feels her chest swelling with pride, with joy, with so many emotions she cannot hope to name them all. Finally she is not alone. At last she is not the singular freak set apart from all the rest, the only one to see what the rest of the world refuses to even consider. So many humans have asked the question of life after death and yet the heroes that come pounding against her gates thinking themselves clever and brave look only once before recoiling and Sakura knows that they don’t see. They look upon death and think it an end.

Death is only the beginning.

Shikamaru’s fingers reach for hers as though unaware of their own movements and his flesh is warm when he gently guides her against him.

“I can say you’re not a liar,” he admits and Sakura tilts her head in question.

“While that is true I must admit that I do not see the relevance.”

“You said you would show me a place where I could be happy.” He turns to meet her eyes and the world itself falls away from her feet at the depth in those dark irises. “Well you were right. I could be very happy here.”

Daring to reach further, Sakura lifts her other hand to caress the side of his jaw. “Will you stay?”

She can see his answer in the way he bends down to meet her, the way he presses his body against her own. In his voice she finds the only nirvana she has ever thought to dream for.

“Yes,” he whispers. “I will stay.”

Happiness is having her very own dream come true press a kiss against her lips that tastes like freedom.

 viii.

“Will you be missed?” she asks him after several days have passed. Shikamaru gives a lazy shrug and buries his nose deeper within the book he’s been engrossed in for the past several hours.

“My mom’s probably looking for me.”

“Should I worry?” Sakura asks, her fingers in his hair and her mind’s eye fixed on visions of a future where she and Shikamaru languish side by side for all of eternity.

Turning another page, her companion shrugs again. “Dunno. If she never thinks to look for me here then we’ll be fine.”

“Ah. Good fortune, then, that I was careful never to visit with the threat of witnesses hanging about.”

Sakura smiles to herself with a smug air and plucks a grape from the plate at her side. After much taste-testing of her own she can vouch that they are juicy and ripe, perfect for temptingly pressing one against Shikamaru’s lips until they part with a smile to accept her gift.

The feeling of his lips lingering on her fingertips is enough of a distraction that the issue is put out of her mind then and there in favor of more interesting thoughts.

 ix.

“I don’t see what this has to do with me.”

Yoshino watches the god before her lift his proud chin and it takes everything in her not to snap, not to show this petty child the true meaning of rage. She needs the answers only he can give her and it simply won’t do to anger him. Not yet.

“You are the All-Seeing,” she says. “What boon you would have of me I will freely grant you in return for your wisdom. Turn your all seeing eyes to the earth, I beg you, oh God of the Sun. I seek no more than the location of my most beloved son.” Pretty words and a promise she has no intention of keeping but Yoshino will let worst pass her lips to find her missing child. Shikamaru belongs to her and her alone.

“Any favor at all?” Neji turns the offer over in his mind. His lavender eyes turn towards the earth but his expression is thoughtful still as though he has yet to decide.

“Whatever your heart desires.”

She does not expect him to snort derisively. “You have the power to grant nothing that my heart desires – but I would very much enjoy knowing that you owe me, petty Goddess of the Harvest.”

It takes almost more effort than she is capable of giving to grind her teeth and remain silent, bowing her head as though humble and willing to serve in whatever small way he asks. For Yoshino is certain that the god of the sun can think of only small things. Surely his mind cannot be anywhere near as sharp as her own and therefore must be small and dull in comparison. It truly is a shame that she, of all the gods, was graced with the most intelligence on top of the most beautiful child. What would the world be like if she weren’t so alone in all her glory?

Neji interrupts her musings with a flat look that makes her think he is more than aware of what occupies her mind.  

“Your son is not on earth.” When Yoshino protests he rolls his all-seeing eyes and interrupts her once more. “He is, by means unknown, currently deep in the underworld with the Goddess of Death at his side. And with that I have fulfilled my end of this bargain. Remember that you owe me a favor, which I will collect at my leisure.”

“How am I to remove him from the underworld!?” Yoshino demands. Anywhere on earth would have been preferable but the domain of the dead is not in her purview. Her flowers and vines and growing things cannot reach for Shikamaru there to pull him back to the place where he belongs and she knows very well that such a stubborn boy will need a good deal of pulling.

“That is not my problem,” Neji reminds her. Then the sun god turns away and snaps the reins of his chariot to continue on his journey across the sky.

Yoshino is left alone with a coldness in her chest she has never felt before and a realization. Always has she taken it for granted that her child will be with her, her perfect progeny, and always has she assumed that she knows what is best for his happiness. Shikamaru is her son. He is her flesh and blood. It has always seemed immutable to her that there can be no place where he is happier than by her side and the very thought that she may be wrong in as inconceivable as the notion that she, an immortal being, may one day see the ravages of aging.

It is with practiced ease that she dismisses such unwanted thoughts. They do not make her happy and thus she feels no need to think on them any further, not when there are many more important things to consider.

Such as how to lure her son away from that dark and dismal hole where the God of Spring can never belong.

 x.

Months have passed before the messenger of the gods appears to bring Sakura out of the haze of ecstasy that is Shikamaru. Long months filled with happiness no matter that she struggles to find a balance between attending to her duties and attending the one who captures her heart more and more with every day. Much as she is fond of Olympus’s messenger, Lee is still an unwelcome sight. He can only be here with purpose and whatever that purpose is by necessity must take her away from Shikamaru’s side.

Lee hasn’t even the grace to look ashamed of interrupting their calm revelry and so Sakura doesn’t bother to grant him the courtesy of rising from where she is lounging against her companion’s chest while he absently runs fingers through her hair, tracing the petals of a flower he invented specifically for her. The moonflower grows only in the garden she gifted to him.

“Who sent you?” she calls lazily across the room. Lee grants her a beaming smile, ever full of more energy than anyone else around him.

“Kakashi!” he cries. A favorite of all, Lee has never known formality in his life.

“And what news has the father of us all to share?”

“No news! A plea!” Clearing his throat, Lee strikes a pose. “The ruler of Olympus begs pardon for interrupting your leisure and beseeches you to please do something about the crazy goddess who set eternal winter upon the land!”

Both Sakura and Shikamaru are sitting upright in an instant with dual cries of “What!?”

“Yosh! The Goddess of the Harvest has declared eternal winter in the throes of agony at being separated from her beloved child! In his wisdom, Kakashi asks that you return Shikamaru to his rightful place!”

“His rightful place,” Sakura snarls, “is wherever he is most happy.”

Rather than argue with her, Lee strikes yet another pose and presents her with two thumbs up. “I have fulfilled my duty!”

With that he turns and races out of the building with a burst of inhuman speed. The divine couple watches him go with no small amount of exasperation and, despite her shock at the news just delivered, Sakura finds a moment to shake her head in mild disbelief.

“Gifted with winged sandals and still he insists on running everywhere.”

“I have to go back to the surface.”

Sakura’s head snaps around to stare at her companion with wide eyes. “You have to do nothing but that which pleases you!”

“And it would please me if the earth wasn’t dark with winter the whole year round.” With a sigh Shikamaru leans closer and touches his forehead to hers. “I want to stay here. You know I want nothing more than to stay here with you. But I am Spring and I can’t sit by knowing that she’s denying the purpose I was created for. I would survive but what kind of existence would it be to see my purpose fulfilled? What if you never guided another lost soul in to the afterlife?”

“Yes, I see your point,” she admits reluctantly. Her eyes close for a moment before she opens them again, greedy for one more chance to memorize his beloved features. “If you must go then know that I will think of you always.”

“Well I never said I was leaving forever.”

Shikamaru winks and Sakura realizes with weighty relief that he has a plan. Never has she been happier that she fell in love with one who carries more than two brain cells to rub together.

 ∞.

The garden is familiar yet not nearly as warm as she remembers, not with Yoshino’s eyes watching her with heavy suspicions. Sakura wonders whether her fellow goddess thinks herself unseen or if she believes her mere presence to be a deterrence against any untoward behavior. Thinking about her certainly gives Sakura a few untoward urges but this isn’t the time for that.

Shikamaru is steady and solid against her, arms wrapped about her shoulders to hold her close, a cocoon of belonging just for the two of them. His heartbeat thrums under her ear. Soft breathing ruffles the top of her hair. If she had her way in things this moment would stretch on in to eternity and they would never have to part but alas, Yoshino has outsmarted them both – surprising as that is. Perhaps Sakura needs to spend more time relearning the patterns of other living creatures if someone like Yoshino can outmaneuver her on the first try.

“It’s not forever,” Shikamaru murmurs, bending to whisper his words directly against the shell of her ear.

“Already it feels like forever has passed and you have not even left my arms.” Although Sakura is more than aware she is pouting she still does not appreciate the laughter that rumbles through her partner’s chest.

“You’ll see me again in the fall. Less than one year, that’s barely a blink for our kind.”

“Every moment without you is too long.”

Now Shikamaru is outright laughing, which she appreciates even less. “Quit being so dramatic. This is the only deal she would accept and if this is what it takes for us to be together”-he pulls away to meet her eyes-“then I will follow this agreement to the letter. Anything to go back to where I belong.”

From several feet away they can both hear the poorly hidden Yoshino grumbling to herself that this garden is where her son belongs but they ignore her easily.

“I love you,” Sakura whispers. Incredibly, Yoshino falls silent.

“I love you too. And I’ll miss you. I’d say you can visit but we should probably wait a few millennia before we ask for any concessions like that.”

Her pouting lip protrudes a little further but it does her no good. Shikamaru is still pulling away ever so gently and although she understands the necessity of it, understands the pain of having one’s very purpose suppressed across the entire world in punishment until the wayward son returns to his mother’s side, that makes it no easier to separate her from the other half of herself she has only just discovered. Shikamaru is the light she never knew she needed in her world of darkness until she saw him for the first time and her very heart itself lit up with joy. Leaning in close now she can taste a hint of that first joy on his lips.

“When the first leaves fall,” she warns him, “I will come for you.” Shikamaru does his best to look unaffected.

“Troublesome. I hate deadlines.”

“How fortuitous that I shall be the one watching the calendar go by, then.” As soon as Sakura leans forward to close the gap between them and steal a kiss they are pulled apart by insistent hands and Yoshino sends her a look filled with venom.

The Goddess of the Harvest and Fertility huffs as she draws her son against her own side instead and pretends not to see the rolling of his eyes. Entirely uncaring of her reaction Sakura blows the kiss she has been denied in Shikamaru’s direction and gathers her darkest shadows around her in preparation to leave this place. As per the agreement, she will stay in her domain until the winter comes and she may be reunited with her love once more.

“Until it is your turn to rest, oh beautiful Spring,” she calls.

And with that she is gone in a twist of darkness, to return for that which belongs to her when the time is right, and an endless cycle begins.

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

Pull Me Under

Warning:  Long Post, no 

I really wanted to talk about what happened to me this week.

 Will I survive the night on my own?

I am a workaholic because my dad was a workaholic and he's the one who raised me I was raised and told that to ask for help is a sign of weakness. To show weakness is a sign of weakness, to tell the truth when someone asks you how you are is a sign of weakness, to slow down on any level is a sign of weakness.

 My dad live by these rules and unfortunately that caused him to die younger than he should have, falling cancer when he was normally pretty healthy.  It is also this mentality that allowed me to survive when I was left to be an orphan at the age of 20 and it is how I have lived my life since.

 However it is something that I feel needs to change now in order for me to live longer, You do not have to live your entire life in this fashion in order to survive or in order to impress people.

 I have always prided myself on not taking sick days on coming to work no matter how bad I felt and finishing my shifts because in the back of my mind I thought that any time I ever told my boss I was too sick to work they thought I was lazy, and I would go on the list of the first person to be fired if the opportunity came up.  It has always been my way to hide how I really feel, how sick I truly am, because in the long run no one cares but me anyway, and if somebody else can see that and use it as against me, somehow they're going to do it.  In the last TEN YEARS I have taken less than ten sick days from work.

 My first year teaching has changed all that because I got sick about every 2 months,  as soon as I was over one thing I was sick with something else. I had ten sick days to play with but I also had to work from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m. 5 days a week which meant I would have to take time off at some point doctor's appointments to keep myself healthy and that would eat up into my sick day time.  I think I ended the year with two days to spare and I was not going to mess with it.  

 I woke up Sunday morning knowing I was sick.  I had slept with the windows open and a cold front came in.  I could feel it growing colder but could do nothing because I was so exhausted I could not wake myself up enough to get out of bed and close them.  I woke up with chills, aches and a sore throat.  I ignored it.  I went to work.  I lasted until noon, went home and went to bed.  I should have called in for Tuesday but I did not I went to work. I had spent all of Monday freezing under 2 blankets with the heater turned up to 80 degrees.  But because I also did get some sleep and because that little bit of asleep I felt OK Tues. morning I made myself go to work.  I work the full day but  by the time it was time to go home,  I could not walk myself to my car.

 I have been fighting anxiety and dizzy spells for about a month-and-a-half so having to have someone walk me to my car really wasn't an alarm ball for me.  When I got home I tried to open some Gatorade and was shocked to find that I was too weak to get it open.  I don't own the thermometer which is something I need to change but I knew I was having a fever.  I started taking Tylenol PM but it did nothing it did not help my fever and it did not help me sleep.

 It would just so happen that I posted my symptoms to Facebook. A friend I barely knew that I had met through the Deuce fandom told me you need to go to the doctor right away you have pneumonia.  And I hate to say it but my first thought was “kid you're half my age what do you know?”.  But it did alarm me b/c he had the exact same symptoms. My sister Toni called and asked if I wanted her friend Cathy to take me to the dr.  Now normally I turn down offers like this.  Toni is now my only living sister, my family period really, and still sees me as being twelve.   And I would rather walk on broken glass than ask for help.  However I found myself agreeing to it ---maybe because of what the kid had said on Facebook--- but I still decided to go….. just not right away. I had not slept at all that night and I told my sister give me a chance to get some sleep.  The clinic I go to is open late, I could go in the afternoon .  However in the back of my own mind I was even thinking “well if you feel better after your nap just tell her you decide not to go and don't go.”

 The problem was, I couldn’t sleep, and I was getting worse. The appointed time came around I decided it was time to get out of bed………... only problem was I couldn't I couldn't make it more than two or three steps without being so overwhelmed so exhausted and dizzy I pretty much had to sit down wherever I was.  This was a problem because it is a long walk from where my house is to the driveway where you park your car as my house is in the middle of a field.  My sister’s bf Cathy is a small firecracker of a woman who could go toe to toe with the devil but is about one fourth my size.  I could not use her as a human crutch to get to the car. Again my first inclination was “go back to bed and sleep it off, go back to the doctor when you feel better” which is so ass-backwards it’s stupid, but I swear that’s how I felt.  I nearly called and told her not to come back but thank god I didn’t.  Cathy, being the resourceful woman that she is, drover her SUV through the field and up to my door.  I got into the car and she took me to the clinic.  At the clinic everyone stared because I needed a wheelchair to be brought in.

 Now let me discuss another component of why I have been reluctant to go to the doctor.  I have been going to a small clinic since I moved home and I really like it.  I recently found out that the guy I had a crush on my entire senior year of high school and freshman year of college is a nurse practitioner there whom I have not seen in 25 years. These stupid narcissistic fifteen-year-old in me would always say “Don’t go!  You look like shit and what if you get him as the one who sees you.”   I knew he worked there from calling in to get lab results from my last bouts with dizziness in April where I was given a clean bill of health.  I called the clinic to get my results only to have a friendly voice call me by my maiden name and ask (already knowing the damn answer) if I remembered him.

 So anyway at 3 pm Cathy wheels me in in the wheelchair and asked me if I want her to stay. I am already feeling guilty because she has offered to go get me some groceries which I desperately need and obviously can't get for myself so I tell her no there's no need for her to waste more time by waiting for me at the clinic just go ahead get the groceries I'll call her when the appointment is over just because I'm pretty sure they're just going to give me a prescription and send me back home.  The nurse takes my information, takes my blood pressure pulse and temperature then wheels me into another room where my worst nightmare comes true.  

 Lo and behold here comes My High School Crush. Only this time there is no witty banter no hey how you doing.  He looks at me and says   “You are very sick you need to be in the hospital.  If you were just dropped off here, I am going to call you an ambulance right now.”  He even gave me back my copay!   I know this is serious.   I called Cathy and told her she had to come back. Normal blood pressure is 120/80 and mine has always run just slightly lower than that.  A resting pulse rate for me is 85-99.   When my vitals were checked at the clinic my bp was 80/40, my pulse was 120 and I had 102 fever.

 I didn’t feel like my pulse was that fast, I wasn’t having no trouble breathing, I was just weak and tired.    BUT THAT’S JUST IT.  I’M A TEACHER, I AM ALWAYS FUCKING TIRED….just not hat bad. I got into the ER just as a trauma is coming in on an Angel Flight.  I know I’m going to be there a whle and tell Cathy to go home because there’s nothing she can do for me anymore anyway and I don’t want her to see me this sick.   My ex would never take me to the ER when I was sick, always made me go alone because he “hates hospitals, and get bored there’ so I was used to being in the ER alone. I wait about 30 min in the waiting room which honestly is not bad.   One they take my vitals they whisk me back to a bed.   They had to stick me 3 times to get an IV going, took blood, tried to catheterize me FIVE TIMES which left me literally screaming in pain (my lady parts are quite small and delicate).  I am given THREE bags of IV fluids before they can start to stabilize me.  But I’m too sick and exhausted to even be scared.

 I mean, I was scared, I knew it was serious and i prayed a lot but I literally did not have the energy to expend on being scared and worried. Those are the times I miss having someone with me.  Not in the waiting room but in the back to hold my hand when I’m getting stuck with needles and poked at and shit.  Just someone to tell me “It’s gonna be okay.”    But I didn’t have it and I haven’t that in so long I have learned to survive without it.    Every orderly, and nurse I saw (didn’t see a doctor for 4 hours) told me:  “You are one sick lady”.   But I was not in any pain, I could breathe fine, I was just so tired.

  A lady comes to go over my information.  I am asked if my sister Terri is still my emergency contact and I have to say the words “No she died two weeks ago” and it is hardest thing to say.  I wanted to follow it up “in this very ER” but I don’t.    As they are wheeling me down the halls to get a CAT scan on my chest I see the inside of the hospital really for the first time and it hits me fully:  THE LAST TIME I WAS IN THIS HOSPITAL WAS WHEN MY MOM DIED WHEN I WAS 12 AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED.   So now not only am I middle aged, helplessly sick and at the mercy of the world, I am also 12 years old, helpless, at the mercy of the world and watching my mom die.  Every door we pass looks like the door to the room she died in.

Now I know why I had nightmares of hospitals all the time when I was in college.  It never made sense then but it does now.  It was this hospital I was dreaming of and now I’m right back there.

 At 8 pm I am told I have pneumonia and am “septic”, which I had to literally google when I got home.  I knew it was not a good thing to be and always thought it meant your blood had been poisoned.    At 9 pm I am told I am being admitted.  At 10 pm I meet some of the nicest nurses I have ever met in my life in the ICU unit. The exact same ICU unit and quite possibly same room my mom spent a good deal of the last days of her life in as well.   On my fifth bag of IV fluid my pulse has only gone down to 108 and my blood pressure has only poked up to 96/56.   I am tied to so many machines I feel like I’m in the Matrix.  I don’t sleep for three days and getting out of bed to walk two steps to the toilet (which I am now having to do every 15 min b/c of the IV fluids) is enough to leave me out of breath and push my pulse rate back up.   This is also hard because of all the tubing and leads attached to me that I must pull, balance and not step on or let get tangled.  The bed is an ergonomic nightmare that is impossible to get up from even though it is just inches off the floor. It takes 10 bags of IV fluids, 3 bags of antibiotics, 3 shots in the stomach for blood thinner (PAINFUL) and three bags of potassium and magnesium before my vitals get to anywhere near the normal range. There are literally pages more I could write but I am still recovering and need some sleep.

[officialdamonalbarn]

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104

first of all , Jesus christcant believe im bout to answer 104 questions but Hey i might as well

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? i would say: dude wheres my clothes2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? cant think of a clever joke to make about Not having kissed a single soul in my life3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care? wey obviously i fuckin would Christ 4. Is your last name longer than six letters? yeah its 8 5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? hmm6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? gmhhh yeah 7. What does your last received text say? “fuck you”8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? i dont know , many times i hope9. Where was your last kiss at? somewhere nice i hope10. When is the last time you saw your sister? like 30 seconds ago shes brushing her teeth in the bathroom11. What do you drink in the morning? water and green tea always12. Where did you sleep last night? in my Ikea bed ..edgy question though13. Do you think relationships are hard? sometimes14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? yes15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? no as a matter of fact the problem is There is no one in the room its so lonely God16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? what kind of fuckin numpty would RATHER it be rainy?17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Im sure i do18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? sweatPants19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? yeah i do or otherwise..Sad20. Does anyone like you? i dont know i sure hope so21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? No22. Is the last person you kissed gay? who is this Last Person I Kissed? i dont know them ive never even seen them quit asking me about them23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? yes. Yes24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? yeah But i dont care25. In the past week have you cried? yeah but only cause i was Gettin a hard time off Some Bullshit26. What breed was the last dog you saw? Hes a bordercollie.. My Boy27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? in there28. Have you ever kissed a football player? No.29. Do you think you’re old? i’ll think im old when im 70.30. Do you like text messaging? tell u the truth yes i do i like it a lot31. What type of day are you having? sort of good32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? i have but i decided never to do that33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? cold as long as it isnt I-Cant-Move-My-Fingers cold34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? of course!!!!!35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? relationship36. Are you a simple or complicated person? I’ll tell you later when i find out37. What song are you listening to? my ma & sister talking and its Not up there w the favourites I must say38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? more often than not39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? no.40. What made you start liking the person you like now? i dont think u can really answer something like that cause sometimes you just like someone and there needs to be no one good reason for liking them you just do41. When did you last receive a text message? hour ago42. What is wrong with you right now? hmm dont open that door43. How well do you know the last female you texted? not too well but i like her44. Does anyone disgust you? yeah45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? well not just anyone !! but someone if i liked them then i guess46. Are you in a good mood right now? yeah i am47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? mawmaw48. What color shirt are you wearing? black49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? absolutely50. Anyone you’re giving up on? yeah51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? no!!52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? yeah53. Do you like rain? if i dont have to stand in it then yes54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? naw i wouldnt mind55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? yeah a lot of times. i nearly never ever tell someone if i like them56. Do you like to cuddle? of course57. Are you shy? i dont know. sometimes58. Do you get along with girls? yeah59. Have you dated the person you texted last? no rip60. What do you carry with you at all times? my phone61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? supposed haunted house Absolutely. A real one (assuming they exist dhdhd) i dont think i could, not alone62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? I hope 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? no64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? if that happened. i would suffer from cardiac arrest65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? i dont recall Im sorry dnjdjd66. How old are the last three people you kissed? boo67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? do them myself68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? i hate both but i pick zebra print because i absolutely cant stand leopard print, not on clothes. its so Fuckinf ugly no offence to leopards69. Do you have any stickers on your car? i dont…Have a car70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? would i rather Fucking what?71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? god. iphone72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? in london with my good friends that im no longer friends with rip Brothers in arms i stilll love Yiou lads good ol memories 73. Do you like diet soda? no i wont poison my body w that shite. Diet sodas are just chemicals74. What color are the walls in your room? one of them is brown and the rest are white75. Are you 16 or older? im 1676. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? no? obviously a fucking do not?77. Do you have a job? no :(78. What are your initials? V. K. H. 79. Did you ever have braces? no my teeth have always been fuckin Perfect no joke80. Are you from the south? no im from the very very north from a global perspective like, but Im from the south of my country81. What does your last status on facebook say? no idea i ditched fb a long time ago82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? i dont think ive talked to them Yet 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? ah i dont know84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? no im not about tht shit85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? answered already it was trainspotting86. Do you smoke? No87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? heels88. Is your phone touch screen? yeah what is this, 2007?89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? straigth90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? yeah dhdhd91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? Pool92. Have you ever made out in a car? no93. …Had sex in a car? i can assure you i have not94. Are you single or in a relationship? single 95. What were you doing last night at midnight? i can Say with great pride that i was probably sleeping 96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? new years eve97. Do you like the camera on your phone? yea 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? no 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? hmm No100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? sure but isnt everyone 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? a what? No102. Name your favorite Kesha song: name my favourite kesha song? name my favourite kesha song?103. Do you have any tan lines right now? No104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? answered already

[adriennescomingbacktolife]

(IV)

“So why me?” Adrienne paused, introductions over, now it was time for business. She put the TracFone on speaker and set it down on the coffee table, next to a red RC car. The toy and slightly cracked iPad had been returned to her by some sly fox. Reclining back on the couch, she considered her words carefully as she fiddled with the wrapper of a watermelon Jolly Rancher. As promised, the tarot card reader delivered. Those two small moments that night, removed from cameras, helped her not to think about what eventually did happen. But honestly, she didn’t get the same personable feelings from Matt Knox. He seemed ornery and sometimes rude. It perplexed her that he spoke out like he did. “You could have had your pick of anyone. Silvio. Willis. Anyone else.” “I need a reason now? Because you’ll hurt them as bad as I will, kid. Sure he probably annoyed those two, but he flat out insulted you.” “I’m used to it.” She appreciated his vote of confidence but her anger towards Lab Rat King amounted to little. She had ran at him with all of these thoughts of taking him down a peg or two and well, the boot shaped bruise on her neck told a different story. So here’s this Alex Winter being as deplorable as possible and she’s going to hurt him? Like injure his pride even? What a pipe dream. “It’s a nice thought. I’ll do my best, Matt. But you were right, it’s like he knew. Like he knew what buttons to press...” Trailing off, she changed the subject quickly. “In a general sense, you know.” “Yeah. General.” A pause, Knox exhaled on his end. “Fuck him in the neck. He shot off at the mouth, and kept shooting off. His own partner is irritated with him. We play this right, this is fish in a barrel. And we both get what we want." This man’s swagger was something Adrienne could definitely use more of. She could do without the swearing but that was just her. But yeah, the attitude, there was a difference. Like watching him get back into the ring, it seemed like he never left. Admitted ring rust or not, he was quite formidable. He hit hard and he spoke bluntly. Despite the glum start to her career, it seemed like people were taking notice. She had made some assumptions about that attention. Including Matt Knox. Something prodded her to stop internalizing this. Take a risk. Take a leap, so to speak. “So this is my first tag match. I know the rules well enough. And right now, I think we have an advantage. I don’t see Alex and Steve remaining cohesive as a unit. However, I’d be remiss if I didn’t just say this.” Take a big leap, Adrienne. “So I know you’ve got daughters in the sport. I’m not one of them. And I’m not a kid. Technically, I am a rookie. And maybe this sounds like a broken record but I’ve been in the business since I was nineteen years old. So I’m your peer. Your tag partner, Matt.” ”Of course you are, Mrs. Levi. But you also have only gotten active in the ring… what, a week before I returned? The week of? There is a chasm between us as far as experience. Far greater than the chasm of talent, and the one of grit. I wouldn’t have asked for this match if I thought I’d need to carry you through it.” And well, there it was. Matt had a point. She’d been pretty relieved. Years of offering her opinion and rarely receiving a sensible reply had left her gunshy. “Alright. Cool.” So then there’s the matter of capitalism being rather cruel sometimes. New month and her wallet was already coughing mothballs. “I’ll be honest. I don’t have the resources some of you have. I’ve seen personal rings set up. I’ve seen where some of you have the means to just up and move-” She stopped, sensing an interruption. “Listen, if you can get back to Baltimore, go to the Marriott by the Harbor. Rooms 201 and 204, check both, ask for Bert. Tell him I said rent you a room through the next Chaos. It isn’t charity, but we can NOT go into this without at least kind of training as a unit.” Adrienne didn’t expect anything to be handed her but her brain swarmed with what was to her an astronomical cost. “Now, I gotta go break up a child fighting ring in the desert at a wrestling festival. I’ll see you soon.” “What?” He had already hung up. If you can get back to Baltimore. He made that sound easy. Done fiddling with the wrapper, Adrienne popped the Jolly Rancher into her mouth. Her mother was out of the question. She had left nearly a dozen text messages. Despite not being a fan, Angie had watched. And she was beyond angry about what transpired. Her texts were delivered in all caps. All of them accusational in nature. Or absolute frightened concern. But the last one was curiously subdued. Time stamped moments after Adrienne set down the microphone and limped away. wow love u, ade Love you too mom Convincing her mother to lend a few hundred bucks to get to Baltimore to meet a man-- well, Adrienne would never finish the request. In the small hallway before the front door, her white Fuji Absolute leaned against the wall. Her only mode of transportation. In something that only evoked embarrassment, she had never learned how to drive. Danny was cool with that, of course. Katy from work, former work, had always offered to buy it. After the miscarriage, Adrienne didn’t feel like correcting her Mother at that time, Katy got real interested in fitness. She always said the bike was being wasted in A to B use. Probably. It was another present from Danny. “Time to walk more, I guess.” She retrieved her personal phone. U still want the bike? Just moments passed. Yeah. 250 200. Meet in middle? 225 Sure. Drop it by Kaplan? Meet u in lot Just days after returning, she swung back around to Baltimore. As promised, there was a room in her name at the Marriott at Camden Yards. A note from Bert told her to take an Uber to a warehouse nearby. She entered from one of the side doors. The shelves were stacked high with canned goods but there was also a huge clearing as she stepped forward. Smack dab in the middle, there was a full blown wrestling ring set up. Some guy in a light jacket and a beanie was tightening the turnbuckles with a wrench. He looked up as Levi’s sneakers squeaked on the concrete. He had light blue eyes, kind looking despite a gruff exterior. “Bert?” With an exerted effort, he gave the wrench one more twist. Shaking the top rope, he was satisfied. Adrienne kept her distance as he finally acknowledged her presence. “Yeah, you Mrs. L?” “Adrienne.” Bert rolled out of the ring. “Come closer, echo’s a bitch in here.” Stepping just a few feet closer, she clutched the strap of her gym bag. “Knox’ll join us later.” “You’re his trainer?” “No, I mean, yeah. Long story. So where you learn at?” He seemed to start denying that but he got this smile on his face, like he was saying something facetious in nature. Adrienne hadn’t heard of a trainer who was possibly younger than the trainee but maybe Bert was a prodigy. “Down where I live. Redd Thunder.” She shook her head, that was his ring name. He’d been a decade removed from active competition. That friend of Danny’s who she drained her savings for. “Greg Berkowitz.” “Who?” Bert chuckled, “Sorry, so you want the truth, Adrienne?” Adrienne nodded slowly, she knew what was coming. “Imagine you paid a pretty penny and it's sad ‘cause you can’t even run the ropes right. Knox saw it right as rain when he watched your tapes. That’s all taught though. Everything else you’re doing? It’s like some raw instinct shit. That big ass jump to the outside? Took some huge balls.” “Thanks, I guess.” “Don’t thank me yet. Matt and uh, I have less than two weeks to retrain you on the basics. Otherwise, the two dipshits are going to eat you alive. That means less money. For all of us. That love of the sport gibberish doesn’t mean anything if you can’t eat.” That resonated with her. A month more of this and she’d have no choice but to crawl back to Kaplan. If they would even have her. “So what do I do?” “Bathroom’s in the back. Go get changed.” Bert gestured wildly behind him to a singular restroom at then end of a short hallway. “We’re going to start over. Later we’ll get you in front of a real rig. Have you give them a piece of your mind.” This was a stark contrast. The last three times viewers had seen Adrienne Levi, it’d been her filming herself. That term was to be used loosely. First, audiences were treated to the grainy camera of the iPhone 5 - or was it 6? She couldn’t remember. It had been another one of his gifts. Second, the videos were vertically shot. Third, if one liked the shaky camera movement of the Blair Witch Project, Adrienne was their girl. Instead, here she was, in full view. Dressed in a sleeveless black shirt that in bold red font proclaimed her the Queen of the Simps, black nondescript tights, and her beat up used pair of black wrestling boots. Adrienne was in front of a black backdrop splashed with the logo of her employer. “This one?” She pointed, just to the side of her. Someone off camera directed her attention to the camera that was actually on. “Oh, you. Sorry, I’ve never seen so much equipment set up before. Just for me to chat with you all.” Adrienne smiled quaintly. For the moment, she just stood there, shuffling her feet. She eyed something to her right. “May I? Been on my feet this whole day. I mean, this isn’t formal, right?” Walking off screen, she returned with a steel folding chair. Snapping it open, she placed it backwards and sat. Straddling the frame, she rested her elbows on the back of the chair. Mat burn was prevalent. “That’s better.” Now what was she going to say? Her mind has been swarming with all of the events of the last week. The obvious was her encounter with the Lab Rat King. His vicious ways had filled her nightmares that last few nights but truthfully, she preferred that monster over others that would traipse about in her subconscious. This sudden partnership with Matt Knox perhaps.Things had been more clear after their first real conversation. And finally, there was Steve Matthews and Alex Winter - two diametrically opposed newcomers who would serve as her opposition. “So forgive me, I got a little emotional on Monday night.” The boot shaped bruise on her neck was a startling reminder of why she may have been. “There are a lot of adages I’ve heard lately about my less than stellar start here at Carnage Wrestling. Not going to bother with them. You get the gist. I’ve just gotta keep trying, right?” She tapped fingers on the chair, pausing to allow that question to be affirmed. “I’ll say this, I was really wrong about some folks here. You’ve gotta understand something. Any competitor worth their salt doesn’t want to hear that their failure was like … a good try. That’s where I decided to put this into perspective. Other than losing to someone in my debut that lacked any conviction to back up her powerful proclamations, I’ve squared off with world class athletes…” She frowned. “... and a seemingly invincible foe. But here I am. Ready for more.” And then returned to a more neutral calculating expression. “I appreciate the compliments. I want to pay it forward.” Adrienne held one finger up. “Matt Knox. I think I would have like a little notice before you issued this challenge. But I get it. You and I have something in common and it’s not a good thing. Zero wins between us. Here’s the thing. You’re smart. You know what it takes to win. And having lost it all, you know how just bad it can get. Fighting with you prior, I trust you as my partner.” A second finger. “Steve Matthews. You’re Carnage’s Ace, despite never appearing prior. And you’re The Technical Master. A cursory look tells me you’ve accomplished a whole lot in your storied career. You’re as advertised in the ring. But with accolades like yours, it makes me wonder why you’re not just facing Amber Ryan in your debut, championship on the line and everything. Instead, you desperately accept an open challenge to cozy up with an individual who you can’t even stand.” She smiled, maybe relaying just a spark of sarcasm. “You’re pretty confident in your abilities but one thing I know about the art of tag team wrestling is that you’re only as good as your partner. Judging by your interactions with Alex, you think this is all about you. And I’m not reaching when I say that Alex Winter doesn’t believe much in this fragile alliance.” Adrienne held those two fingers there in an inadvertent peace sign. She shook her head, looking maybe a little disappointed. “Gosh, I apologize, Steve. I’m supposed to be complimentary towards you and well, I guess I’m not. You speak emphatically about how serious you take this business and that’s kind of cool. But other than that?” She shrugged her shoulders, then resting her chin on her forearms. “I don’t know. For all of that blustering about how you don’t advocate for your partner’s actions, you sure are complicit. It speaks negatively to your character. Like you’re unable to decide if being a good human is okay. Your companion doesn’t believe that so while you’re threatening to betray him, you’re still not explicitly condemning him. It makes you kind of … and I’m sorry, weak.” Sitting up, Adrienne raised a third finger. “Alex Winter. You paid me a compliment.” She’d been thinking about Alex Winter a lot lately. Through mere Twitter exchanges and one brief video, he had sure made an impact. Adrienne was sure he would consider that he was living rent free in her mind. That wasn’t the case. Rent was due and the price was something this party animal could never comprehend. “And so maybe I should have just smiled and batted my eyes.” And she did, displaying a strange flash of attitude as her expression then steeled. “I promised this to even you. Like your partner, you’re pretty impressive in the ring. And so perhaps when you throw out cliches that you can walk the walk - maybe you can.” Alex Winter had spent a lot of his career overseas in Japan. And now he was here to test his mettle in the states with over a decade of experience. Maybe Danny and him partied together. Probably not. Danny Levi was …. was not like Alex Winter. “But back to your compliment. I didn’t take it as one based on your reputation, more on that in a moment. Your response was to get pretty defensive. And so it makes a girl like me wonder, did you really mean to make me feel good? Because instead you just made some assessment of my attractiveness. Instead of seeing Adrienne Levi the person, you just saw my face, my body, my whatever. Imagine if you had said: Hey, you had a great match! After all, we share the same profession.” Awkwardly, she stood up. In fact, she nearly fell backwards in the chair. Would have made for a good visual as she is trying to address someone looking for any weakness in her. “You got real defensive because this sort of thing affects your reputation. You ever wonder why I chose to not view what you said favorably? You registered on Twitter very late into June. It took you just one day to solicit a woman to show you her … can I curse on here?” She looked around. “I’d rather not but look, in relation to a woman asking people to wear masks for what is obviously going on in the world, you turned the subject sexual in nature. On the same day, you responded to another woman’s picture.” Adrienne considered the content, tapping her chin. “Now when you made your advance, she said no, you persisted with some video of you pantomiming a sexual act. I don’t know how to tell you this, Alex, but if that is your technique - there is no wonder why you’ve been rebuked so many times lately.” She twisted the chair around, now sitting it in as nature intended. “And then it all kind of devolved. Slander, you claim. The problem is that it isn’t really that far-fetched to believe these sorts of things about you. It’s an easy correlation to assume that when someone says effectively they don’t respect women, that they’re a misogynist? It’s totally feasible that a misogynist also thinks less about minority populations because sometimes their struggles intersect. Now, you’re right. Just because you’re a misogynist who sexually harrasses women on the internet doesn’t mean you’re guilty of being a rapist. It does however make you very guilty of contributing to rape culture.” Pausing for effect, she crossed one leg over the other. “I don’t know a lot but Alex, it’s been an eye opening year for me and I’ve learned alot about myself as a person and that I could have fought instead of hiding ...but I’m not ...I’m not going to hide from people like you anymore.” Sighing, Adrienne looked upwards before returning her gaze towards the camera. “This is more than I wanted to talk and you know what stinks? This match could have had a different narrative. Matt Knox, my partner, he’s a former world champion but do you know what’s cooler than that? He’s overcoming some very public issues to return to the sport he loves. And you two? You guys are excellent professional wrestlers. Instead it’s about Alex Winter backpedaling after his atrocious suggestion that I should be leashed, muzzled, and doped up because I dared to call him out for his unwanted compliment. It’s about Steve Matthews being spineless. It’s about whether those two can even get along. Well, you know, I’d like to think there will be a better ending to a story that is told all too often.” Standing up, she felt something unfamiliar. Danny called it his machismo. But it felt like swelling in her heart. Her voice raised above the little chirp she was known for. “What is it about you two? Steve, those that standby and watch the injustices get no reprieve. And Alex, you’re a relic of the bygone past. And you don’t seem to be paying attention to what’s happening around here. Just last month, I watched Kyra Johnson prove she is Ultraviolence. And Amber Ryan is the Ironwoman. Then there’s Catalina Cortes, she’s a champion too. And Poppy. And Jenova! I’m sure I’m missing a few and I’m super sorry about that because you’re all amazing. They’re also all counterpoints to your ignorance. And then there’s me. I’m nobody special. But with Matt Knox, we’re going to end you before you even begin.” The camera lingered even though she had finished her piece. “That’s all. Nothing much else to say. You can turn--” The feed cut.

[nicholemarie783]

My Emetophobia Recovery

My response to a question on an emetophobia subreddit when OP asked how we got over our phobia. Sorry about the weird gaps. I tried fixing it but it didn’t work.

With me, I had to start slow with getting over it. I’d read V* related stories on FML (just search the word, and you’ll get results. Some of which are actually kind of funny.) I’d also read blog posts by moms talking about how the whole family got a stomach virus, and how they were able to cope.

After that, it was videos on YouTube involving V*. Started off with the gallon milk challenge, because the people in those videos are usually laughing and having a good time, being stupid with their friends, and also the V* doesn’t look like typical V*, just milk. And you can mute it if necessary.

Then I’d watch videos of expectant mothers with morning sickness, people getting sick because they drank too much, or are hungover, or babies getting sick because there’s usually not much V*, and to be honest, you really feel pretty bad for the baby being sick, more than actual panic of the V* happening. Plus some kids will just sit there with a confused look on their face, like “whut,” and those ones are actually kind of funny. Or if the parent gets unexpectedly V’ed on. You’ll find the parent usually laughs it off. There’s also some emetophobia recovery YouTube playlists too. I haven’t looked at any of them yet, but if you’d like, I could take a glance at them and see if it’s paced decently. Maybe you can watch half of one video a day or every 3 days or so. Pace yourself.

After that, I upped my game to people getting sick from stomach viruses, which is absolutely nerve wracking, but it’s what ya gotta do in order to get over it.

I’d also watch a ton of videos of other people talking about their emetophobia as well.

One thing I had to learn to do as well, was sit with the feeling of being nauseous. Normally, at the first sign of nausea I’d reach for any sort of anti-nausea medication, but my therapist told me not to do that anymore (at least until I get over the phobia.)

Also at parties during high school, kids would drink too much and get sick. One time a kid V’ed on the floor of the hosts guest room, and my first reaction (since people V’ing from drinking too much never bothered me) was to sit him upright so he wouldn’t choke on his own V. I had someone grab a trash can, me and another kid got him cleaned up, and I cleaned up the V in the hosts guest room for 20 bucks. The guy that got sick also bought me lunch later that week as a thank you. Another time, I just rubbed a kids back while he got sick, and just comforted him.

So if you’re ever around someone who’s getting sick from drinking too much, or food poisoning, or something that isn’t catchy, try and force yourself to stay there. Don’t have to dive head first into the situation like I did, but just be present, and don’t run out the door.

Similar to OPs story, getting over my emetophobia also involved boose. I lived in New Orleans for three years, and I worked in nightlife, so I drank A LOT. And along with that came hangovers which involve V*, or from just flat out drinking too much. Most nights when I’d get home, I’d just make myself sick to get the alcohol off of my tummy before bed. I found that while I was still drunk, it wasn’t that hard to make myself sick. Sober, the next day on the other hand, it was extremely scary, I cried many times, and had to call friends to pep talk me through it.

Also, avoid sugary drinks, guys. That, and dark alcohols make hangovers so much worse. Also the “beer before liquor, never sicker, blah, blah, blah,” and “you should never mix your alcohols,” myths are false. It doesn’t matter WHAT you drink, it matters how MUCH. Keep alcohol proofs in mind as well. There will be a difference in your hangover if you drink one ounce of 80 proof dark rum vs 151 proof Bacardi 151. (I swear to god, that shit shouldn’t even exist, but oh lord how I miss it now that it’s been discontinued.) But dark liquors do have these things called “congeners,” which have been proven to make hangovers worse. Sources: Google, my non stop party life in NOLA for three years, and former bartender.

Also similar to OPs story, earlier this year a friend of mine and myself got wasted together at his house and I suggested we make ourselves get sick before bed. He knows about my phobia, and understood why I wanted to be in the bathroom with him during, and he was chill with it. He went first and I rested my head on his back. When it came time for me, I was super nervous, so he started making me laugh by giving the toilet a Russian, (excuse me, *Latvian) accent, and making it call me a gypsy and that I had to appease it with my V*. He was making me laugh too much every time I went to shove my fingers down my throat, so I just said, “screw it,” and we went to bed. Moral of the story here is tell your friends about your phobia, or if you feel nauseous. Let them know. They WILL be understanding, and WILL try to help you get over it any way they can.

Part of my emetophobia was that I always expected SUPER negative reactions from people if they knew I wasn’t feeling well. Turns out they are either are indifferent to it, or caring, and want to help out. Ive had 0 friends run for the door when I told them I didn’t feel well.

Since there’s really no way to avoid V’ing or nausea altogether, for the rest of your life, and it’s just a normal, (if uncomfortable and nerve racking for emets,) part of life, we have to learn how to deal with it when it happens, instead of letting ourselves be overcome with fear. And trust me, IT GETS EASIER.

Years ago I was totally repulsed by the idea of being pregnant because of morning sickness/sick kids. Now I feel like I could have one (even without the emetophobia, kids still aren’t my favorite.) Granted, if I could I’d totally not work during my pregnancy if I had morning sickness, but there’s medication out there to help, employers most likely will understand, and worse comes to worse I’ll just V* in a public bathroom.

Kind of off topic, but a funny story involving kids and V* is when my niece and nephew came to stay with us for the summer. My niece has acid reflux issues, and she ate too much one night, and starting getting sick in her sleep. I panicked, ran and grabbed the pink V* bucket hospitals give you, and ran to get mine, and her mom (my sister). Then I slept in my moms room that night because at the time I was sleeping on the couch in the same room where it happened. I was 23 at the time lol. Another good point to bring up is that anxiety translates to kids too. My nephew was still up when all this was going on, and my panic worried him, so he started panicking too, and slept in my moms room as well. He was 12 lol. Every since then, I’ve been extremely mindful about how my phobia may run off on the little ones. If it comes to feeling nauseous or anything, I’ll let my niece and nephew know (they already know about my phobia), and tell them not to worry or panic, and that it’s just me who is this terrified of V*. They always want to help when I feel gross, so I just tell them to either help calm me down by coloring or watching a movie (if the nausea is mild) or I’ll ask that they leave me alone entirely so they don’t see how bad I freak out about it.

I’m not entirely over mine yet, but I’m much better than what I was growing up. I can eat red foods now (didn’t eat anything red for a year after my incident happened), expired foods now (but not like a month expired), eat out at restaurants, drink excessively (granted, I shouldn’t, but meh), be around people who are V’ing, eat at places that I’ve gotten sick from prior, manage to still go out and function even if I do feel sick, get sick in public bathrooms, fly, ride rollercoasters, help out sick kids (sort of as long as it isn’t a Sb), I’m at a healthy weight instead of borderline anorexic like I was in middle school, etc. I get to live my life now that I’ve (for the most part) gotten over this fear.

Now I just deal with anxiety about getting sick like IN IN public, like not making it to a trash can or bathroom. I keep reminding myself the chances of this happening are slim to none, and hasn’t happened to me or really anyone I know since elementary school, but STILL. Even if it does happen, I try to remind myself that people will understand. Be grossed out and want to avoid you sure, but they won’t exile you because of it, and won’t even think about it the next day. Another worry is getting sick in someone’s car while they’re driving. Once again the chances of this are slim to none and has never happened before to me, or any adult I know, but still. I carry plastic bags in my purse just in case. Goes back to what OP said about control. This is also why whenever I do V*, I use my toothbrush or fingers to start it. Helps out a ton with the anxiety because I’m not sitting there waiting and crying in fear for it to happen

Try not to ask so much for reassurance that you WON’T get sick, but for reassurance that it’s OKAY to get sick. Now I’m totally still working on this, but it is a big one. Find pride in doing things your emetophobia never allowed you to do before. I saw some ladies here the other day ecstatic that they got sick, or took their kids out in public. The reassurance that we won’t get sick will only fuel the fire that is this phobia. Don’t let it win. You will not heal if you continuously let it win. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. No having proud moments over how long it’s been since you V*ed or anything like that

We should be celebrating the minor wins like you were able to actually get sick, you took your kid to a children’s museum for the first time, you ate a food that made you ill years ago, heck, even playing into the thought that maybe you should just get sick is a win in my book.

And since I just wrote a damn novel, here’s the TL;DR.

How I got over emetophobia (for the most part):

Exposure, exposure, exposure.

1) Read stories involving V* to start off with. Look at stock photos of “people getting sick.” (They never actually show any V*). Transition to sounds of people V’ing on YouTube. Advance to videos of people V’ing on YouTube, and people sharing their emet stories.

2) Sit with the nausea. Don’t reach for the meds instantaneously. Just breathe, and sit with the nausea for maybe 15 minutes before taking something for it.

3) Don’t run away from situations where people may V*, unless it’s from a virus or unknown source. IE not a hangover or food poisoning. Not saying put yourself on those situations, but also don’t run from them when they arise.

4) Try to start making yourself V* when you’re drunk. Once again, don’t intentionally get drunk for this purpose, but the alcohol will help calm your anxiety about it, and you’ll find it’s much easier.

5) (This is really just a good drinking tip) don’t do sugary drinks or dark liquors. They’ll make you feel horrible the next day. And it’s not about WHAT you drink or the combination, but about how MUCH you drink.

6) Tell friends about your phobia, when you feel sick, and if you’ve V’ed recently. They won’t react negatively, and they will more often than not support you in your times of need, and praise you for your success.

7) V’ing is a normal part of life, and we’ve gotta get used to regardless of how much we fear it. And it gets easier the father into your recovery you get.

8) I kind of want a kid eventually. Someone slap me to get me to start thinking straight again.

9) Kids pick up on your anxieties, so lead by example, but also don’t be too tight lipped about it. This goes back to #6.

10) Try not to avoid the V* and D* words, or any that refer to V’ing. I go back and forth depending on how OP writes it, because I understand it can be triggering, but we still have to expose ourselves to it in order to get over it.

11) I’m not fully over my fear of it yet, but I’m doing MUCH better than before and really loving life now that I’ve (for the most part) gotten over it.

12) The chances of our fears coming true (ie getting sick in public, or in a car) are usually going to be pretty slim. Even if it does happen, it’s not the end of the world (so cliché, and I’m sorry) and people will understand, and not exile you from society.

13) Get therapy or medication if the anxiety and panic are too much to handle and REALLY interfering with your life. Try not to rely on the meds entirely though, and still work on getting your fear in check. Meds should really only be used as a crutch while you’re learning to walk again.

14) It takes time to get over this, or any phobia for that matter, so don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight. Just keep a positive attitude and remind yourself you’re taking baby steps in the right direction.

15) Change your way of thinking. Instead of asking for reassurance that XYZ won’t make you ill, think in the terms of “well if it does make me sick, I’ll be just fine. I know I’m really nervous about it, so I’m going to ask my friends or support groups to remind me that it’s okay to get sick.”

16) Sorry my TL;DR is another damned novel. I just really wanted to share what I’ve done to get over this with you guys. Having this phobia sucks ass, and I’m SO glad I’m getting over it. And sorry for any grammatical/spelling mistakes. I’ve been working on this thing for an hour, and my food is getting cold, so screw proof reading.

[minusthecynic]

I aint got time for playing games just that chick who sets my heart aflame it aint no mystery what happened with her and me/ how it wasn't meant to be/ how we fell apart like the little statuette I made of my art group leader in his honour cos it wasn't properly prepared for the kiln/ am I ready to endure that blazing tongue licking trial and torture/ don't kick me when I'm down cos you will teach me nothing you will just breed little beasties of resentment in me/ which wrap themselves around my neck and strangle the living daylights out of me/ in Jah I delight if you didn't know already/ rocking steady to this beat/ the music that's playing in my head when I write this/ I wont be defeated by my pitiful circumstances/ they say time heals all wounds but I've still got scabs cos I keep picking them open every time they start to recover/ breaking the bars of my skin cells cracking them open like fortune cookies/ fresh blood flows out my flesh/ I look like a wookie when folks give me stress/ I'm so blessed/ not oppressed by demons any longer/ though you might think otherwise if you saw the way I treat those pretty witty butterflies that come into my net/ live my love life with no regret/ you can make me soaking wet like the sea/ but I crave a deeper intimacy than the kind that your mind could ever possibly provide/ and its deeper than just bumping and grinding for me/ I want that church and steeple kind of love/ I want that sunday morning you in that white wedding dress kind of love/ I want the whole world knowing about us kind of love/ I don't like doing things in the secret chambers of a garden dark/ hey why should we hide our affection from the world we have been doing that for far too long and you wonder why I snapped my link with you/ don't expect to be respected if you aint prepared to show it shorty/ I aint hating on you I still love you but we can never be together again you already know that/ I know you harbour no illusions about the potential of the two of us to be together/ I'm desperately scribbling like an idiot jailbird chewing his last meal to avoid the temptation of another live video broadcast I shouldn't be watching streaming from the lounge room of some cutie I probably shouldn't be friends with but my love for God is endless/ so can I extend a benevolent hand without my motives being twisted all out of shape like pipe cleaners/ some say I'm a dreamer cos I spit that utopian paradise concept I utilize these skills not to pay the bills just to entertain the masses/ some may say I'm classist nah I'm just a classic/ like retro reebok or Adidas sneaks/ I do speak my mind in volumes copious compendiums of the freedom I've been extended by Jesus/ I won't end up like my grandfolks did/ going to hell in a handbasket/ unless they truly turned around on their deathbeds/ I've got to hope what they confessed to my moms n pops was genuine/ cos id sure hate not to see their lovely faces in heaven/ its pretty tricky yo when youre the second generation/ passing on the truth you learned from your ancestors/ I can relate to that indigenous struggle to maintain cultural heritage/ keep the language alive/ keep our songs and dances going/ put our art on blast/ cos we don't want our past to always remain our past sometimes we want it present in our future also/ only the bits that can potentially be redeemed for Jesus/ some say I'm an also ran/ but I aint gonna freeze up just because hate and criticism be on the increase/ shorty knows ive got it locked with Jesus He causes the evil to decrease in me/ less of me and more of you Lord this is my plea/ I know I cheat cos I don't flow to the beat/ just the music drumming in between my own ears/ perfect love casts out all fear/ you can tell I'm sloppy with my rhyme schemes panting for Christs living water like a thirsty deer/ unlike my homegirl channy I don't flow properly/ I do it sloppily but I'm still Gods property/ I dig this rap game ever since I was knee high to a grasshopper/ ive been that wannabe rhyme dropper/ homies hate on the skills got me wondering why don't they go ahead and do it themselves if they want to hear something slightly more endearing/ I would be cheering/ I aint hating for the sake of hating/ big up my homies I be celebrating/ not denigrating/ this is more than a recreational pursuit for me/ I would do it for a full time job but noones dangling golden cash carrots under me/ little wonder cos my thunder got stolen by way too many broken hearts and the molten lava I fell in/ cos my ego got in the way of my progress/ little girls calling me their idol/ people comparing me to my heroes/ as if I could ever be considered their peers and equals/ my head got big and swelled/ I could barely hold it up it was so bursting with pride/ yet when I chose to walk by the side of the lion of zion I realized how little I was without His help/ and what wee amounts of change I could accomplish stranded on my own on a lonely island/ selfishness just gets you nowhere fast/ ive got regrets for the way I used to live/ that die is cast but I broke the mould/ still haven't got a woman to have and hold/ for the rest of my life though when I do I'm gonna treat her like purest gold/ a diamond that's been cut innumerable times made more beautiful by her scars/ she will forever own my heart/ I hate the fact that I cant be with her right now/ I hate the fact that God said no to one girl but He might say yes to another/ plenty fish in the sea for this brother/ I know its a tired stale old cliché but I believe that I don't have to settle for a life of permanent bachelorhood/ and if youre a chick youre a spinster/ don't let them stick that bachelorette trash labelling on you/ whats in a name/ identity distinction/ you aint one of the bros you're your own person/ I give up on myself too soon just like I did with you/ strap me to a billion black balloons let them weigh down this sad faced clown/ fill them up with concrete when its still dripping liquid/ if that's even possible/ descriptive of the way I feel/ like I'm sweating bullets and lead/ scared of the future without a bae to call my own/ unlike that game show I don't aim to claim the throne/ I'm just happy playing follow the leader/ not straying from Jahs calling rounding up those stubborn ones I'm that sheep dog/ prodding cattle to get moving on a journey of self improvement/ no one knows the troubles ive seen or where ive been/ or the times when ive come in between a rock and a hard place/ or husbands and wives/ gossip separates friends/ and causes you to use kitchen knives/ for something other than slicing up animal meat/ I don't want any more blood flowing down our streets/ we already got robbed once I would be a dunce if I ever put myself in a position to allow that to happen again/ now God provided the money so we can claim back on insurance all that got jacked from us/ and so we could tighten our security/ Lord I wanna live a life of purity but you know what these two eyes see/ pretty young things find their way to me when I aint even looking for them/ so ive gotta be extra careful do that dip and bounce with my eyeballs/ when other dudes in seventh grade were making collages of busty babes I was pasting tiny babies snaps to my page/ we didn't even get to use a pen til then/ maybe it was freshman year/ can we live our lives without causing each others eyes to drip rivers of tears/ all of these days weeks months I wasted/ all of the blood on my lips I tasted/ only from my own d n a far as I could tell/ though some share the same  as me/ in some small way linked by code of genetics to all of humanity/ its pathetic how we start race wars and act sexist/ all because were stubborn and pigheaded/ tell ourselves we can't forgive the wrongs of the past but that's a lie of the enemy/ crazy talk like suddenly sprouting legs and trotting round if you're a sea anemone/ I aint a portugese man of war I wonder what I'm fighting for/ instead of delighting in you Lord igniting that holy fire in me/ I'm frightened for what the future has in store/ I don't wanna be the same old me anymore/ but I find myself in wrestling matches with angels / like Jacob pretty soon I'm gonna wind up missing hip bones/ could you change my name to Israel/ so I know God will prevail evey time someone calls my name/ seeing myself as His success upon each occasion when they point out my failures/ and they will know us by the trail of the dead skin cells attached to bloody bandages we leave behind us when we go strolling down the gardens of the ghettos we all know and love/ I've still gotta live with the consequences of my actions this side of heaven/ I'm so dense and intense most cant handle me so they sit on the fence and observe the way my candles lit/ while I collect my dollars and cents and just smile cos Gods a genius/ cracking me up cos suckers and liars said I could never make any money outta this biz/ guess what I proved them wrong even though that wasn't the motivating factor/ saving souls and taking care of my future family was the only reason why I ever wanted to get cashed up/ I talked way too much trash for my own good/ folks misunderstood the way I acted in my neighbourhood/ losers calling themselves outlaws/ if they got locked up in jail how would they feel for real/ bush rangers strangers highway men by way men/ you aint going my way men so I can relax/ and even if you did pull me over to one side and told this kid to give his money cough that cash give it up quick smart like pash rash or risk losing his life you think i'd care to open my wallet for such deviants/ losing my life means nothing to me cos its in the hands of Jesus stupid/ so I aint fretting if you pull a gun on me and stick it to my head tell me that youre gonna pull the trigger on my skull and blast it to smithereens/ cos I know who my king is/ and I know where my future is/ lying beyond the stars/ they treat me like a spider from mars sipping cider from a glass/ eyeball with a hole where the pupil should be/ I'm like john lennon legend and tupac I wrestle with my own vanity/ that's insanity/ but one out of three found Jesus in the end/ at least that's the truth of which I'm convinced my friend/ some say I'm gonna deal with my sorrow tomorrow then they don't live another day there  has to be a better way/ homies who consider themselves sold out for Jesus still watch movies with cussing does that even bear discussing/ why the shortie of my dreams watching scream queens better yet what I'm doing in that haunted house I should ask myself/ why the ski mask or hockey like Jason why I'm chasing that dragon why I'm facing these giants why I see myself  as a dwarf but my God towers over my oppressors/ why I love the fact that He forgives me despite my constant messing round with transgressions and gressors/ how am I supposed to address this/ so much we don't talk about for the sake of love/ like I quit paying out on atheists/ cos I knew that wasn't winning souls for His kingdom/ it wasn't Christs mindset/ even though I don't believe that atheists truly exist theyre such an easy target/ I close my eyes and try to forget/ about all the blood sweat and tears it took to get my homegirl to where she is today/ thank you Lord for all the change you have brought to her life that death for life exchange/ I had to force myself to slow down cos I wasn't getting anywhere speeding too fast through life/ is it cos I drink too much coffee that I'm mentally rushing through this cconversation already thinking of what I'm gonna do with my day once you're up and gone/ why can't I just chill with it and enjoy the moment/ I don't have a remote control button to freeze the sun and keep you here with me shortie so I've gotta lap up the milk of time you're giving me like a happy cat and don't complain/ cos I cant prolong your stay for any longer than you wanna be here/ I'm sincere in my apology for trying to express my love for you in a physical way before you were ready/ I should have stuck with emotional expressions of the deep impression you carved into my heart right from the very start/ I guess I should have been more careful the kind of pics I was allowing my eyes to look at less than an hour before meeting you/ now I'm entreating you have mercy on me/ give me date number two/ or call it business meet/ cos I mix business with pleasure when the two of us are standing on the same street/ I'm demanding your attention never commanding it/ you could conquer the world if you quit hanging with twits/ do I include myself in that category/ guaranteed you could win a game of scattergories/ look at me I'm an allegory/ for what could happen if you trust in Jesus with your whole heart/ quit playing church and pushing HIm to the furthest branch of your birch/ I know sometimes life situations have got you out on a limb/ and I can't even imagine what you went through having to endure refugee camp/ dealing with that cramped space/ though I can relate to starting over in a brand new country where no one knows your name or face/ or the beauty of your personality/ I know it was hard for your folks cos they probably started at the top in your country then slid back to the bottom in ours/ having to begin all over again/ I remember how excited you were on the advent of becoming a citizen/ we've been through some happy times together/ getting higher than Everest/ stoked off that moment enthralled by your cleverness/ when you got into uni and excelled at those good grades/ when I saw you shining like constellations up on stage/ such a sensation I'm amazed/ you were on the line up for a folk festival I only visited as a paying guest/ is it only in my fantasies you lay your head down on my chest in wedded bliss/ baby let me comb your hair/ I love you in everything you wear/ can you do a fashion show for me when you select what you determine to be the best dress for that particular occasion/ you don't need any make up to look gorgeous/ I could wake up next to you every morning and fall asleep with my head besides yours on the pillow every evening/ you got me weeping like a willow cos I only share this double bed with ghosts and memories/ they say the rap  game is a widow maker/ cos cats be onto you pouncing when you shake your money maker and bouncing round the house like that/ every dog on the block wants to chat with you/ wants to lock you in chains make a hood rat out of you/ but you aint going for their smooth talk/ cos your eyes are on your heavenly prize/ not just like some souls whose only goal is to see themselves blaze bright and all the rest of the world can just burn up like a pile of garbage you discarded in your yard cos you couldn't stand the sight of carnage/ they feed people to pigs in my country no really/ they got mafia operating in my local area maybe/ living next door to a bikie gang affiliated lady/ still she can't use her shotgun to make a hole in the foot of an intruder/ its crazy how our laws sometimes protects criminal elements more than it does those who are innocent victims/ I'm sick of chewing humble crow pie eating it just cos evil minded fools won't let sleeping dogs lie and give me peace/ as much as I care about the cause you're fighting for I can do it my own way without your help/ although you asked for mine you didn't want it in the way I was offering/ so I withdraw my assistance/ and I say forget about our friendship if you can't treat me right/ i'm not the scum between your toes/ i'm not a handkerchief you can wipe your bloody nose with/ i'm not that goober dripping from your snoz gonzo/ you think you're the fonz but you're barely fuzzy bear yet alone tonto/ Jah come to my aid pronto get this hate off my mind/ help me stop thinking about the friendships which I'm forced to leave behind/ should have drowned his companionship when my homegirl left me/ romantically though I was the one who hopped on that plane/ I didn't get why wendy Matthews song was sad cos I associated blue skies with gladness even though billy was right they do bring tears/ yet they can also fill you up with cheer/ when you know theres sunshine for days so yall can come out and play/ and I struggle to relate to songs about the sun which stays bright until late in the evening like those catastrophic gothic trolls panicking at the disco  / cos I operate under a different hemisphere but I'm more concerned about concentrating on what unites us instead of what divides/ believe it or not/ I'm ripley praying for those victims of homicide regicide and suicide/ suckers talked about killing God yet He still lives/ despite all of our obnoxiousness such snotty nosed punks He still forgives/ some get drunk off their own pretentions of genius/ yet they forget God is the one who gives their clogs their cleverness and their pants their smartness/ I wont be a bossy boots if you don't shoot the messenger/ did I forget Jesus is in the drivers seat/ I permanently play the role of passenger/ who paid for my passage Yah/ I aint saying things just to massage your ego/ I don't care if the truth is offensive to people/ though I try to speak it in love I don't shove folks in boxes/ without my spirit finding its home in Christ I'm a vagrant with no fixed address having no place to rest like He spoke of Himself in unfavourable comparison to vixens and foxes ❤ 🙂

[ourlittledinosaur]

It Takes a Village? | by IV, V and Me

New Post has been published on https://ourlittledinosaur.azurewebsites.net/it-takes-a-village-by-iv-v-and-me/

It Takes a Village? | by IV, V and Me

Guest Post by IV, V and Me Visit her website by clicking here.

“It Takes a Village”

We have all heard it… shoot, I think I even said it last week, but is ‘it takes a village’ just a phrase or is it really truth? Honestly, this phrase never even crossed my mind until my son was born and all the villagers came out of hiding with the good, the bad and the ugly advice; but this didn’t really bother me until I got some parenting experience under my belt. My son is 9 months old so obviously I am now an expert… even so; I was now ready to bestow my “parenting wisdom” on other moms. As soon as another mom mentioned any struggle she was having with her kids, I wanted to jump in to save the day with my expert advice on the matter… queue the other mom holding back on rolling her eyes as I ask the question all moms know too well “have you tried this?” like she hadn’t googled every possible solution to the problem she was dealing with. Was I really going to be that villager, the one with the pitchfork of advice at the ready any time I talked to another mom? Is a village necessary to survive parenthood? If so, what is truly needed?

Getting to the truth

I decided it was time to actually get other mommy perspectives on the subject of  ‘it takes a village’.  So, I gave a shout out to the Facebook world with 4 questions, two for and two against parenting advice to see if the “village” was more helpful or harmful.

Once you become a mom, something that is needed is thick skin, so that when you do end up receiving unwarranted advice, you can take it with a grain of salt. My friend Jamey W. said it best “I have heard/felt things that while harsh at the time, as I reflected (and minimized my pride) realized they were probably right or at least something there that should be considered.” This is a mom with a teenager and a college student; her answer is why I need to have mentors in my village to explain, “Pride causes us to miss a lot of truth.” Yes, getting offended is a cultural phenomenon, but instead of pouting, I can take what has been said and use it to grow and become a better, more developed person. I learned pride gets in the way of even allowing myself to be surrounded by a village. One obvious way I realized I needed growth in was learning that my son could benefit from being around others.

At first, I was very hesitant to allow other people be around my son, I mean, I made him… I can be selfish, right? But once I got past that, I found how beneficial it was to have others interact with my child. They would play with him in ways that never would have crossed my mind, and truly showed me new ways to love my son.  “It is incredibly valuable to be in community with other people who pour into and love your child– they speak into their lives in a multitude of ways, and it’s powerful and humbling and so much better than doing it on your own. Other people can speak into their gifts, challenges, and behavior in a way that you can’t, and they see the things you have blind spots to.” –Annie M. This is why it is so important to have peers be in my village. Your peers can help you to be more creative with teaching and during play time as Jenna S. saw this as “a refreshing reminder to not let your child play her way right through her days without me, I just don’t want to miss It.” This has also opened my eyes to the fact that controlling every aspect of my life is just not attainable; I need help and support.

            Being a very controlling person, I really wanted to do everything on my own and then… well, exhaustion set in. The other night I broke down (my son has started waking up at 2:00am hyper and not going back to sleep until 3:30am), my husband offered to pray with me as I was rocking our son to sleep and I said, “no, I just want to get Ru to sleep.” It took me about 5 minutes to realize what I needed was my husband to pray over me and once I gave up that control, it was like a gospel choir came rising up singing “Hallelujah”! A wise friend stated, “Praying that the Lord would guide you in each situation and lead you on how to love, affirm, teach, correct, and discipline in a way that is honoring to him. Praying isn’t hard to do, but always feeling prepared and equipped can be hard when it comes to parenting.” This makes me realize that protectors are needed in my village. God allows us to lean on him and others just as a friend who is a fellow new mom has grown to “learn now more than ever to trust in God’s plan and have faith that no matter what, He knows what is best and He is leading our lives.” After recognizing all that was needed for my village to be a great support system, there was something gnawing at the back of mind, something that was missing.

             Out of all the moms I had asked these questions to, one specifically made me realize something most moms are afraid to say “I am one amazing woman and mom.” –Jen H. She is a single mom who has had to learn how to be strong for her and her kids. “But our God is good. And he put me through some tough times that led me to now. And who am I now? A fully functional adult who can clean and not lose her cool; I make doctors appointments and make sure the kids get their fruits and veggies.” This is when I realized confidence is needed in myself for the village. I am my toughest critique when it comes to my skills as a mother but why can’t I admit that some days I am doing a great job or some things I do rock at as a mother. I feel confidence could be such a great tool for us to spur on to be even better, to never stop trying to achieve the goal of loving our children fiercely.

The Do’s and Don’ts

Here are some of the BEST advice moms have benefited from hearing:

“You’re going to make mistakes, they grow up despite us, and they grow up fast so enjoy every moment.” –Jennie H.

“It is the ride of your life! Have fun! Find what works for you and do that.” –SueEllen H.

“Sleep when the baby sleeps” –Candace T., Chrissy S.

“Never let the kids leave the house without saying you love them.  And always say encouraging words to your children.” –Ann M.

“Each difficult stage is temporary and you will miss It.” –Calli K.

“Do what you feel is best for you and your child and not to worry about what others think.” –Amanda B.

  Things to keep in mind NOT to do:

“Saying things like ‘they are going to see it eventually.’  It doesn’t mean they need to see it now!” –Candace T.

“My sister-in-law never had kids and she always told me how to raise them, she would punish them in front of me when they would do something that was no big deal to me.” –Ann M.

“I felt pressured by others to use formula, feed her puréed and solid food, to sleep train when I wasn’t quite ready yet.” –Calli K.

“I have had a lot of people tell me that my daughter is big for her age and maybe I should watch what I feed her.” –Amanda B.

“As I was struggling to get my firstborn to latch I decided to pump and bottle feed her until our latch was successful. My MIL told me bottle-feeding wouldn’t create as strong of a bond as breastfeeding would. My bond with both my children is unbreakable and bottle shaming is as ridiculous and insensitive as breast shaming. Fed is best!” –Anonymous

“People trying to fix problems I’ve been working on forever like my child’s diet or showing distaste for the freedoms I allow.” –Jenna S.

So, is ‘it takes a village’ just a phrase or is it truth?

The truth is, it takes the right village… so choose wisely.

-IV, V and Me

We want to hear from you!

Tell us about the advice you have received, including the good, the bad, and the ugly!

What advice would you want to give new or expecting parents?

Like this post? Help us and others by Sharing!

Share List

SGMB_URL = "/wp-content/plugins/social-media-pro/"; jQuery(".dropdownWrapper").hide(); SGMB_GOOGLE_ACOUNT = "UA-88059982-5"; jQuery(document).ready(function($)var widget = new SGMBWidget();widget.show("id":"2","title":"Share All","options":"currentUrl":"1","url":"","shareText":"I really enjoyed this, I think you will too!","fontSize":"20","betweenButtons":"1px","theme":"pen","sgmbButtonsPosition":"bottomCenter","socialTheme":"minima","icon":"pen","buttonsPanelEffect":"No Effect","buttonsEffect":"No Effect","iconsEffect":"No Effect","buttons":"\"facebook\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"pen-facebook\",\"twitter\":\"label\":\"Tweet\",\"icon\":\"pen-twitter\",\"via\":\"\",\"hashtags\":\"\",\"googleplus\":\"label\":\"+1\",\"icon\":\"pen-googleplus\",\"linkedin\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"pen-linkedin\",\"email\":\"label\":\"E-mail\",\"icon\":\"pen-email\",\"pinterest\":\"label\":\"Pin this\",\"icon\":\"pen-pinterest\",\"whatsapp\":\"label\":\"WhatsApp\",\"icon\":\"pen-whatsapp\",\"tumblr\":\"label\":\"Post\",\"icon\":\"pen-tumblr\",\"reddit\":\"label\":\"Reddit\",\"icon\":\"pen-reddit\",\"line\":\"label\":\"Line\",\"icon\":\"pen-line\",\"vk\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"pen-vk\",\"stumbleupon\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"pen-stumbleupon\",\"mewe\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"pen-mewe\",\"fbLike\":\"fbLikeLayout\":\"\",\"fbLikeActionType\":\"\",\"fbLikeUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.facebook.com\\\/Our-Little-Dinosaur-582858138573920\\\/\",\"twitterFollow\":\"twitterFollowShowCounts\":\"\",\"setLargeSizeForTwitterFollow\":\"\",\"followUserName\":\"ourlildinosaur\"","roundButton":"","showLabels":"on","showCounts":"on","showCenter":"","showButtonsAsList":"","sgmbDropdownColor":"","sgmbDropdownLabelFontSize":"14","sgmbDropdownLabelColor":"","showButtonsOnEveryPost":"on","selectedOrExcluded":"","showButtonsOnEveryPage":"","textOnEveryPost":"Like this post? Help us and others by Sharing!","showButtonsOnCustomPost":"","textOnCustomPost":"","showButtonsOnMobileDirect":"on","showButtonsOnDesktopDirect":"on","sgmbSelectedPages":[""],"sgmbExcludedPosts":[""],"sgmbSelectedCustomPosts":[],"showButtonsInPopup":"","titleOfPopup":"Please share it!","descriptionOfPopup":"Go ahead and share our site if you liked it!","showPopupOnLoad":"","showPopupOnScroll":"","showPopupOnExit":"","openSecondsOfPopup":"","googleAnaliticsAccount":"UA-88059982-5","buttonOptions":"facebook":"label":"Share","icon":"pen-facebook","twitter":"label":"Tweet","icon":"pen-twitter","via":"","hashtags":"","googleplus":"label":"+1","icon":"pen-googleplus","linkedin":"label":"Share","icon":"pen-linkedin","email":"label":"E-mail","icon":"pen-email","pinterest":"label":"Pin this","icon":"pen-pinterest","whatsapp":"label":"WhatsApp","icon":"pen-whatsapp","tumblr":"label":"Post","icon":"pen-tumblr","reddit":"label":"Reddit","icon":"pen-reddit","line":"label":"Line","icon":"pen-line","vk":"label":"Share","icon":"pen-vk","stumbleupon":"label":"Share","icon":"pen-stumbleupon","mewe":"label":"Share","icon":"pen-mewe","fbLike":"fbLikeLayout":"","fbLikeActionType":"","fbLikeUrl":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/Our-Little-Dinosaur-582858138573920\/","twitterFollow":"twitterFollowShowCounts":"","setLargeSizeForTwitterFollow":"","followUserName":"ourlildinosaur","button":["facebook","twitter","googleplus","linkedin","email","pinterest","whatsapp","tumblr","reddit","line","vk","stumbleupon","mewe","fbLike","twitterFollow"], 4, '', '/wp-content/plugins/social-media-pro//img/no-image.png', '', ''); );

jQuery(".socialMediaOnEveryPost").addClass("sgmb-center")

[ourlittledinosaur]

It Takes a Village? | by IV, V and Me

New Post has been published on http://ourlittledinosaur.com/it-takes-a-village-by-iv-v-and-me/

It Takes a Village? | by IV, V and Me

Guest Post by IV, V and Me

“It Takes a Village”

We have all heard it… shoot, I think I even said it last week, but is ‘it takes a village’ just a phrase or is it really truth? Honestly, this phrase never even crossed my mind until my son was born and all the villagers came out of hiding with the good, the bad and the ugly advice; but this didn’t really bother me until I got some parenting experience under my belt. My son is 9 months old so obviously I am now an expert… even so; I was now ready to bestow my “parenting wisdom” on other moms. As soon as another mom mentioned any struggle she was having with her kids, I wanted to jump in to save the day with my expert advice on the matter… queue the other mom holding back on rolling her eyes as I ask the question all moms know too well “have you tried this?” like she hadn’t googled every possible solution to the problem she was dealing with. Was I really going to be that villager, the one with the pitchfork of advice at the ready any time I talked to another mom? Is a village necessary to survive parenthood? If so, what is truly needed?

Getting to the truth

I decided it was time to actually get other mommy perspectives on the subject of  ‘it takes a village’.  So, I gave a shout out to the Facebook world with 4 questions, two for and two against parenting advice to see if the “village” was more helpful or harmful.

Once you become a mom, something that is needed is thick skin, so that when you do end up receiving unwarranted advice, you can take it with a grain of salt. My friend Jamey W. said it best “I have heard/felt things that while harsh at the time, as I reflected (and minimized my pride) realized they were probably right or at least something there that should be considered.” This is a mom with a teenager and a college student; her answer is why I need to have mentors in my village to explain, “Pride causes us to miss a lot of truth.” Yes, getting offended is a cultural phenomenon, but instead of pouting, I can take what has been said and use it to grow and become a better, more developed person. I learned pride gets in the way of even allowing myself to be surrounded by a village. One obvious way I realized I needed growth in was learning that my son could benefit from being around others.

At first, I was very hesitant to allow other people be around my son, I mean, I made him… I can be selfish, right? But once I got past that, I found how beneficial it was to have others interact with my child. They would play with him in ways that never would have crossed my mind, and truly showed me new ways to love my son.  “It is incredibly valuable to be in community with other people who pour into and love your child– they speak into their lives in a multitude of ways, and it’s powerful and humbling and so much better than doing it on your own. Other people can speak into their gifts, challenges, and behavior in a way that you can’t, and they see the things you have blind spots to.” –Annie M. This is why it is so important to have peers be in my village. Your peers can help you to be more creative with teaching and during play time as Jenna S. saw this as “a refreshing reminder to not let your child play her way right through her days without me, I just don’t want to miss It.” This has also opened my eyes to the fact that controlling every aspect of my life is just not attainable; I need help and support.

            Being a very controlling person, I really wanted to do everything on my own and then… well, exhaustion set in. The other night I broke down (my son has started waking up at 2:00am hyper and not going back to sleep until 3:30am), my husband offered to pray with me as I was rocking our son to sleep and I said, “no, I just want to get Ru to sleep.” It took me about 5 minutes to realize what I needed was my husband to pray over me and once I gave up that control, it was like a gospel choir came rising up singing “Hallelujah”! A wise friend stated, “Praying that the Lord would guide you in each situation and lead you on how to love, affirm, teach, correct, and discipline in a way that is honoring to him. Praying isn’t hard to do, but always feeling prepared and equipped can be hard when it comes to parenting.” This makes me realize that protectors are needed in my village. God allows us to lean on him and others just as a friend who is a fellow new mom has grown to “learn now more than ever to trust in God’s plan and have faith that no matter what, He knows what is best and He is leading our lives.” After recognizing all that was needed for my village to be a great support system, there was something gnawing at the back of mind, something that was missing.

             Out of all the moms I had asked these questions to, one specifically made me realize something most moms are afraid to say “I am one amazing woman and mom.” –Jen H. She is a single mom who has had to learn how to be strong for her and her kids. “But our God is good. And he put me through some tough times that led me to now. And who am I now? A fully functional adult who can clean and not lose her cool; I make doctors appointments and make sure the kids get their fruits and veggies.” This is when I realized confidence is needed in myself for the village. I am my toughest critique when it comes to my skills as a mother but why can’t I admit that some days I am doing a great job or some things I do rock at as a mother. I feel confidence could be such a great tool for us to spur on to be even better, to never stop trying to achieve the goal of loving our children fiercely.

The Do’s and Don’ts

Here are some of the BEST advice moms have benefited from hearing:

“You’re going to make mistakes, they grow up despite us, and they grow up fast so enjoy every moment.” –Jennie H.

“It is the ride of your life! Have fun! Find what works for you and do that.” –SueEllen H.

“Sleep when the baby sleeps” –Candace T., Chrissy S.

“Never let the kids leave the house without saying you love them.  And always say encouraging words to your children.” –Ann M.

“Each difficult stage is temporary and you will miss It.” –Calli K.

“Do what you feel is best for you and your child and not to worry about what others think.” –Amanda B.

  Things to keep in mind NOT to do:

“Saying things like ‘they are going to see it eventually.’  It doesn’t mean they need to see it now!” –Candace T.

“My sister-in-law never had kids and she always told me how to raise them, she would punish them in front of me when they would do something that was no big deal to me.” –Ann M.

“I felt pressured by others to use formula, feed her puréed and solid food, to sleep train when I wasn’t quite ready yet.” –Calli K.

“I have had a lot of people tell me that my daughter is big for her age and maybe I should watch what I feed her.” –Amanda B.

“As I was struggling to get my firstborn to latch I decided to pump and bottle feed her until our latch was successful. My MIL told me bottle-feeding wouldn’t create as strong of a bond as breastfeeding would. My bond with both my children is unbreakable and bottle shaming is as ridiculous and insensitive as breast shaming. Fed is best!” –Anonymous

“People trying to fix problems I’ve been working on forever like my child’s diet or showing distaste for the freedoms I allow.” –Jenna S.

So, is ‘it takes a village’ just a phrase or is it truth?

The truth is, it takes the right village… so choose wisely.

-IV, V and Me

We want to hear from you!

Tell us about the advice you have received, including the good, the bad, and the ugly!

What advice would you want to give new or expecting parents?

Like this post? Help us and others by Sharing!

Share List

SGMB_URL = "http://ourlittledinosaur.com/wp-content/plugins/social-media-pro/"; jQuery(".dropdownWrapper").hide(); SGMB_GOOGLE_ACOUNT = "UA-88059982-5"; jQuery(document).ready(function($)var widget = new SGMBWidget();widget.show("id":"1","title":"Share All","options":"currentUrl":"1","url":"","shareText":"I really enjoyed this, I think you will too!","fontSize":"20","betweenButtons":"1px","theme":"pen","sgmbButtonsPosition":"bottomCenter","socialTheme":"minima","icon":"pen","buttonsPanelEffect":"No Effect","buttonsEffect":"No Effect","iconsEffect":"No Effect","buttons":"\"facebook\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"pen-facebook\",\"twitter\":\"label\":\"Tweet\",\"icon\":\"pen-twitter\",\"via\":\"\",\"hashtags\":\"\",\"googleplus\":\"label\":\"+1\",\"icon\":\"pen-googleplus\",\"linkedin\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"pen-linkedin\",\"email\":\"label\":\"E-mail\",\"icon\":\"pen-email\",\"pinterest\":\"label\":\"Pin this\",\"icon\":\"pen-pinterest\",\"whatsapp\":\"label\":\"WhatsApp\",\"icon\":\"pen-whatsapp\",\"tumblr\":\"label\":\"Post\",\"icon\":\"pen-tumblr\",\"reddit\":\"label\":\"Reddit\",\"icon\":\"pen-reddit\",\"line\":\"label\":\"Line\",\"icon\":\"pen-line\",\"vk\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"pen-vk\",\"stumbleupon\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"pen-stumbleupon\",\"mewe\":\"label\":\"Share\",\"icon\":\"pen-mewe\",\"twitterFollow\":\"twitterFollowShowCounts\":\"\",\"setLargeSizeForTwitterFollow\":\"on\",\"followUserName\":\"ourlildinosaur\",\"fbLike\":\"fbLikeLayout\":\"button\",\"fbLikeActionType\":\"like\",\"fbLikeUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/www.facebook.com\\\/Our-Little-Dinosaur-582858138573920\\\/\"","roundButton":"","showLabels":"on","showCounts":"on","showCenter":"","showButtonsAsList":"","sgmbDropdownColor":"","sgmbDropdownLabelFontSize":"14","sgmbDropdownLabelColor":"","showButtonsOnEveryPost":"on","selectedOrExcluded":"","showButtonsOnEveryPage":"","textOnEveryPost":"Like this post? Help us and others by Sharing!","showButtonsOnCustomPost":"","textOnCustomPost":"","showButtonsOnMobileDirect":"on","showButtonsOnDesktopDirect":"on","sgmbSelectedPages":[""],"sgmbExcludedPosts":[""],"sgmbSelectedCustomPosts":[],"showButtonsInPopup":"","titleOfPopup":"Please share it!","descriptionOfPopup":"Go ahead and share our site if you liked it!","showPopupOnLoad":"","showPopupOnScroll":"","showPopupOnExit":"","openSecondsOfPopup":"","googleAnaliticsAccount":"UA-88059982-5","buttonOptions":"facebook":"label":"Share","icon":"pen-facebook","twitter":"label":"Tweet","icon":"pen-twitter","via":"","hashtags":"","googleplus":"label":"+1","icon":"pen-googleplus","linkedin":"label":"Share","icon":"pen-linkedin","email":"label":"E-mail","icon":"pen-email","pinterest":"label":"Pin this","icon":"pen-pinterest","whatsapp":"label":"WhatsApp","icon":"pen-whatsapp","tumblr":"label":"Post","icon":"pen-tumblr","reddit":"label":"Reddit","icon":"pen-reddit","line":"label":"Line","icon":"pen-line","vk":"label":"Share","icon":"pen-vk","stumbleupon":"label":"Share","icon":"pen-stumbleupon","mewe":"label":"Share","icon":"pen-mewe","twitterFollow":"twitterFollowShowCounts":"","setLargeSizeForTwitterFollow":"on","followUserName":"ourlildinosaur","fbLike":"fbLikeLayout":"button","fbLikeActionType":"like","fbLikeUrl":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/Our-Little-Dinosaur-582858138573920\/","button":["facebook","twitter","googleplus","linkedin","email","pinterest","whatsapp","tumblr","reddit","line","vk","stumbleupon","mewe","twitterFollow","fbLike"], 1, '', 'http://ourlittledinosaur.com/wp-content/plugins/social-media-pro//img/no-image.png', '', ''); );

jQuery(".socialMediaOnEveryPost").addClass("sgmb-center")