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extravalgant · 3 years

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‘and in spite of everything, tenderness there must be’ aka that wizbat fluff that anon (half-jokingly?) requested like four months ago

summary: the wizard reflects on things. bat helps them out.

words: 1344

warnings: possibly ooc bat. i kind of got the hang of it but also he’s sort of difficult to write. not too sure about the interactions here but i tried my best (does a little dance); possibly ooc wizard? i just wanted to make something vague enough to be fluffy. it’s also been like... months since ive actually written something coherent. be patient with me 🛐

also its pretty much all lowercase minus punctuation. i hope that doesnt bother anyone lol

through the warm haze of their sleep-addled mind, the wizard could tell that they had fallen asleep the minute they had sat at their desk.

they can’t be to blame, however; their office, upon being assigned to one the first time, had developed a chill over the years - no doubt the result of being empty for so long without any constant heat. their first order of business was to plead with ignis to place a spell, a rune - something - to keep their fingers from falling off.

the wizard couldn’t understand how tarrak could stand the temperature in his own office, which was even chillier than theirs. though, they figured, he was better equipped to deal with environments such as those.

but now the room was.. cozy. a little bit homier and more welcoming. their office had been so bare and awkward the first time they moved into it, unsure of how to decorate it aside from placing books they needed, or paperwork that needed to be filed. they hadn’t learned how to file paperwork at ravenwood.

they hadn’t learn much at ravenwood, truth be told.

at times it did feel as if they had grown into someone with more serious responsibilities - an adult. an authority figure. but each time they braved the bitter winter winds of polaris, or the sweltering desert sands of mirage, they realized how young they felt, how ignorant their own reports were compared with scholars of the school of magics they learned at ravenwood.

professor hargrove’s words echo in their mind, a constant forefront ever since discovering what lurked underneath wizard city.

...but a wizard like you didn’t exactly have time to take a history of magic class, did you?...

history of magic… they would have loved to have taken that class. learn more about the magic they have so much of.

but wizard is as wizard does - and a wizard’s job is never finished. even as their eyes glaze over their own post-world reports, feathered pen nib sliding unceremoniously across the page, it stains their hands in black ink and smudged prints.

it’s not until they feel something warm sliding over their shoulders, fingers gently removing the pen from their hand, do they realize the mistake of having a very warm and cozy office.

a pause. “i didn’t mean to wake you.”

the wizard can’t help the fuzzy warmth that overtakes their chest, and the smile that graces their face at the sound of the voice that they recognize so well.

bat.

“when did you get here?” you ask sleepily. bat looks embarrassed for a second, having been caught in such a vulnerable moment of expressing their concern for them, making them comfortable.

“just now.” he replies. “your room - it’s, uh… very warm.”

the wizard laughs at his awkward attempt at a conversation, and he gives them what they imagine is a sulky look in response.

“i guess that’s my fault, huh.” the wizard said. “i told ignis this room was too cold and now i can’t even do paperwork in here without managing to fall asleep. i think ione is tired of seeing me drool all over reports…”

that doesn’t get the usual half-smile the wizard is used to - rather, they note the slight crease in between his brows. “are you sleeping more here than in your room?”

“i think so.” they remark, trying to wrack their brain the last time they actually left this office to sleep in the apartment they were gifted. “it’s fine though! sorry you have to see all this mess…”

the wizard stands from their seat - surprisingly comfy, and also one of the reasons they manage to fall asleep at their desk all the time. bat watches from the sidelines, observing the way their hands curve over the pages of the report, and appreciates the view of their side profile and face.

and realizes just how self-destructive their tendencies can be.

“you should try to sleep in your room more.” bat starts, again, and they look up questioningly.

“i should keep that in mind.” they admit, a small huff of laughter leaving them. “but, well - you know what they say, a wizard’s work is never done."

“it can be though.” bat supplies, and isn’t quite satisfied with the way that the wizard hums in half-agreement. “you know that, right?”

“of course.” the wizard says, shuffling papers into the nearest open drawer on their desk, before shutting it. “give me a little credit, bat.”

he watches silently for a few moments, eyes gathering in places that they lingered, before deciding to press into their personal space.

the wizard lets out a surprised noise, clearly not used to this kind of straight forwardness from him. “uh—”

“can i kiss you?” he asks, and the wizard notes that he too, is just as nervous as they are about this situation. they take his hand hovering in the air, just above the curve of their cheek, and place it on top, nuzzling their face into his palm.

“you can.” the wizard agrees, and can’t help the dreamy tone they take with him. it almost hurts with how much they trust him so easily; to cradle their heart with enough confidence that it won’t get hurt again.

and he would be damned if he ever betrayed their trust ever again.

the kiss is almost withering – it has the wizard straining their neck against bat’s taller, more bulkier form. they’re desperate for some semblance of affection, of the realization that someone wants them, desires them, covets them.

and that is almost just too much to bear.

“hey.” bat says. “we can do whatever you want today, okay?”

“i…” the wizard furrows their brows, worrying the bottom of their lip between their teeth. “... are you sure? it’s a boring request.”

bat shrugs. “i’ve heard worse.”

“i just kinda want to… go to bed.” they admit, albeit a bit weakly. “i know you and mellori come here to hang out, but i always feel so tired.”

the wizard rests their forehead against his chest, allowing themselves to sag in relief after admitting it. they can feel something almost like shame curl in the center of their chest, but swallow it down anyways. bat had to know – deserved to know. the two of you had promised to communicate your needs to one another, and yet…

they can’t help the shame of actually admitting it.

“we can do that.” is bat’s reply instead. “part of this is also what you want to do, too.”

the wizard stews in their own thoughts for a moment, trying to formulate another reply, when he speaks up again.

“and,” he says, and the tinge of embarrassment is apparent in his voice. “it’ll - you know. make up for the other day when i was talking about my inventions.”

the wizard pauses, before smiling. “i like listening to you talk about stuff you’re passionate about.”

they could tell by the flick of his ears that he wasn’t quite as convinced, but still flustered by the whole thing. “whatever. lets get you to bed.”

“we’re going together.” the wizard says, and another laugh is pulled out of their system as they lead him out the door and into the hallway.

the walk there is short, but punctuated by the intertwining of both your hands, even as the wizard notices the way he squeezes their hand lightly, mauve dusting itself onto his cheeks.

the moment the both of you curl up in your bed next to one another, the wizard understands that saying – you fall asleep faster with the one you love.

bat can try to hear out the mumbles in their voice as the wizard fights to stay awake, but then they feel his arm wrap around them - almost a heavy weight of security around their figure.

“sleep.” he says. “i’ll be here when you wake up.”

and now the wizard can’t help but settle against his side, curl into his form, and tuck their head against his chest. and finally - they feel at peace.

and finally, they fall asleep.

#wizard101 #w101 #wizbat #bat w101 #IIIIII HOPE THIS LOOKS OKAY? SOUNDS OK...?!?!!?#omg im so embarrassed about posting this actually #but there is virtually no fics as far as wizbat goes (looks longingly at a03) and i was getting desperate #something soft for the season....!#hopefully . bat wasn't too ooc in this lol #or ill die. fr #and if my non wiz mutuals see this . well . dont mention this to me or ill die of embarrassment<3

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layniapetrovnaaa · 4 years

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In cauda venenum

[Natasha Romanoff x Reader]

Request: @honeyxbucket

Hi there! I would like to request a Natasha x reader fic! A one shot more specifically kinda angst I hope that’s okay! Plot: Y/n is peter parks biological sister and shared the same powers as him and even has her own suit (it’s basically just a light purple Spider-Man suit) well anyway one day they are on a mission (you can choose who the villain is) and at the end y/n almost died and is sent to the hospital and Natasha freaks out but y/n ends up okay lots of fluff at the end

(I’m sorry this is so short, but I hope it was what you were looking for!)

“I like the new suit.” Peter spoke innocently.

The orange glow of the sunset cocooning him in warm light. The sun felt nice on your skin, given the cool NYC fall temperature.

The two of you sat atop a medium sized apartment building, keeping an eye out for any suspicious activity.

Ever since Mac Gorgon, or Scorpion, had escaped from prison you and Peter had been on the look out.

Apparently you weren't the only ones.

The two of you had recently gotten a tip from Daredevil (a recent acquaintance and new ally) that he was hiding out in a small garage right near the Hudson river.

So there you were.

“I thought a change of pace might be nice.” you say, glancing down at the sleek and tight fitting purple suit.

“Very inconspicuous.” he teases.

You laugh, punching his shoulder lightly.

“Look who’s talking!” you retort and he puts his hands up in defense.

Once your giggling starts to fade, you turn your head to look out at the city.

You noticed a shady looking man unlocking the door to a building a little ways down the street.

“Peter, eight o'clock.”

“Is that what time May said to be back for dinner? Cause--”

You scoff.

“No, look.” you nod with your chin.

He leans over, looking in the correct direction.

“Are you sure it’s him?”

As he speaks, the man turns his head to scan the streets, just long enough for you and Peter to note the prominent scar on his face.

“Oh shit.” your brother lets out.

You both put on your masks.

“Let’s go.” you order, standing up and shooting out a web after you made sure that the criminal wouldn't see you.

You should have noticed the signs upon entering, he was expecting you.

Your spider-senses were telling you that he was on the ground floor, but your eyes told you otherwise.

It was odd, he was no where in sight, and the building was a few degrees cooler then it was outside.

“I don’t think he is here [Y/N], we should go back to our post” Peter says quietly.

As you turn around and start to head for the exit, you hear his sinister voice.

“Leaving so soon?”

You turn round to see him coming out of the shadows.

You had known about his enhanced abilities, given to him by experiments, but you were in the dark about the Scorpion-like suit he was currently donning.

“Oh fuck me.” you curse under your breath as you watch the orange colored sunlight reflect off of his knife-like stinger.

“You like? My friend Doc Ock made it for me.” you could practically hear the malicious grin in his voice.

“Not bad, but its a bit bulky, don’t y’think?” you reply sarcastically.

You see his smile drop and he starts charging towards you and Peter.

“Watch out!” you exclaim as he goes to attack Peter, your web hitting one of the beams in the ceiling and you swing yourself up there.

“That reaction was a bit dramatic, I mean you did ask for her opinion.” Peter grunts out as he wrestles with the villain.

You stick on the ceiling, crawling so that you are behind Scorpion, launching your web to stop his poisonous tail from impaling your sibling.

He whips his head around to face you before jumping onto the wall, sticking his claws into it and crawls his way over to you.

You detach yourself from the ceiling, only hanging by your fingertips, and aim your webs at his ankle as you pull him down to the ground with you.

The fight continues, each interaction becoming more killer than the last, you knew it was time to call in.

“This is [Y/N] Parker, I’m calling for backup, we are at an old abandoned garage near the Manhattan cruise terminal on 12th, please hurry.”

You had underestimated the speed and strength of Scorpion, and now you were reaping the consequences.

You break into a sprint towards the monster who had his back to you, but he was faster than you and turns just in time to inject his venomous stinger into your pectoral muscle, right below your left collarbone.

You gasp and feel your toes leave the ground by an inch.

The venom that coursed through your veins felt like lava.

Mac grins and removes the stinger, you collapse to the ground.

“[Y/N]?” Peter lets out in almost a whimper.

Your eyes squeeze shut and you clench your jaw, trying to bear the pain.

An alarm like sound comes from Scorpions wrist.

“This isn’t over spidey, you’re next.” he growls, jumping onto the wall and crawling through the big open window near the ceiling.

You open your eyes to look at the wound, seeing Peter rush to your side in a blur.

He rests your head onto his lap, throwing off his and your mask.

Not a second later the garage doors burst open.

Natasha, Tony, and Rhodey stand on guard until they finish scanning the perimeter.

She had to do a double take when she noticed you and your brother on the ground.

As soon as she realized the predicament, she ran over, settling at your side, opposite of Peter.

“Natasha?” you murmur, starting to fall in and out of what they all hoped was consciousness, reaching your hand up to touch her cheek.

“I’m here.” she says as she grabs your hand.

Your head rolls back and she takes in a sharp breath.

“What the hell happened?!” she asks sharply.

“I-I-I I don’t know...it-it all happened so fast.” Peter lets out in almost a sob.

“We need to get her back to base, now.”

When a second passes and no one moves, she demands again.

“I said move, goddammit!” she growls, the four the superheros immediately snapping into action.

“It’s gunna be okay, [Y/N]. You’re going to be fine.” she breaths, talking more to herself than you.

“It’s gunna be fine...”

***

The water ran down Natasha's hands as she rung out the warm washcloth. The wood floor was cold on her bare feet as she lugged her way towards the grey monochrome bed where her sleeping girlfriend lay. Natasha let out a low sigh as she sat down on the side of the bed. She gently laid the damp towel on the girl’s forehead.

Again she sighs.

Had it not been for your spider like powers and Doctor Banners wicked brain, you wouldn't have made it.

The redhead would flinch almost every beep of the heart monitor, and the IV hooked to your arm made her tense.

The light from the window next to the queen bed seeped through the blinds, and as it seems, right into your eyes as you start to come back to consciousness.

Your lashes flutter, and you hear Natasha mutter to herself.

"If only I could have been faster. Ah god" her voice cracks.

Natasha wipes the tear from her cheek quickly, as if she was embarrassed somebody would see.

"I don't know what I would have done if I had lost you," she says as she lets out a shaky breath.

"I can't lose you Y/n.."

Slowly you grab her hand.

"Natalia..."

Her head whips in your direction.

"Hey, your supposed to be asleep." She sniffs.

"You could never lose me Tahsa."

Natasha huffs.

"So you heard all that?"

"Don't blame yourself for my mistakes." You said weakly. She shakes her head.

"Y/n/n, I— I thought I was going to lose you...and I don’t know what I would have done.”

"Nat.."

She huffs.

“My whole life has been calculated and cautiously planned, but you make me throw caution to the wind. You make me unable to think straight, I can hardly form a coherent sentence when you are around [Y/N]. You wreck me in the most glorious ways, you break down every barrier I have, you see me for me. I-I just can’t loose you.”

A tear slips down your cheek at er confession.

“Wow, Nat I-I don’t know what to say...”

“Don’t, don’t worry about it.” she shakes her head lightly

"I love you Natalia, you are the most beautiful, badass, and selfless person I know."

She chuckles and scoffs.

"I love you too, Y/n."

She leans down to kiss your lips, they're soft and warm, and it's just electric between you two.

“I should go tell Bruce you’re awake.”

You nod and she gets up from the bed.

As she opens the door, her hand still on the door nob, she speaks.

“I meant everything I said...I love you so much it hurts.”

You nod and bite your lip, the corners of your mouth drifting upwards.

She nods, a tight lip smile threatening to grace her face as she walks out, shutting the door softly behind her.

“I never thought I’d see the day the Black Widow went soft.”

“Shut it Stark.”

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #peter parker #Black Widow #natasha romanoff imagine

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thefandomlesbian · 4 years

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you asked for prompts, so ive got two i guess, if you'd like - hotchreid, with insecure/jealous hotch and/or domestic jemily fluff

Okay, I’ll admit I... kinda missed the mark on this one, but I did try! D:

Read it here on AO3!

...

“All hearts float in their own deep oceans of no light, wetblack and glimmering, their four mouths gulping like fish. Hearts are said to pound: this is to be expected, the heart’s regular struggle against being drowned.” -Margaret Atwood

…

The first time Spencer says it, they're eating dinner together. Chicken mango pilaf over brown rice with chopped vegetables. Aaron is drinking apple juice. Spencer, who laughed at him for drinking apple juice, is drinking water. Aaron remembers these preceding moments with exact clarity, the brief silence that filled the room except for their forks scraping their plates, until...

"I think I'd like for you to choke me."

Aaron, ironically, chokes fairly immediately after this statement. He coughs a chunk of chicken, or is it mango? back into his plate and has inhaled some of the sauce that's now scalding the back of his throat, and he hacks, wondering if rice is going to come out of his nose, which is now streaming, and certainly because he started choking as Spencer spoke, he must've misheard. "You want me to what?" Poke me, toke me, broke me, woke me —

"Choke me."

The pit of Aaron's stomach flips in distress. The fork abruptly begins to tremble in his hand. "I—what?" He puts down the fork quickly to keep from dropping it and disguises his trembling hands by wiping around his mouth with his napkin. "I—Why? What? Who? Where?" He finds it impossible to form a coherent question, so he hopes Spencer will understand something from the noises he just produced and answer it.

Spencer's brows furrow. "You don't look too keen on the idea." Aaron makes another odd sound, something like clearing his throat passed off from choking on his food, and he's grimacing. "I dunno. JJ says she does it with Emily sometimes and it's fun. You know, during sex."

Aaron's whole body tightens up. "Yeah, I got that part." His face and knuckles blanche white. Even his lips lose color.

"I didn't know. You look kind of like I asked you cut my body up and pickle me into jars—"

"JJ told you to do this?"

"Yeah, JJ and Emily—"

"Stop, stop, I don't want to know." Aaron isn't sure of where this all came from, but with those clues, he is very sure he doesn't want to find out. "No."

Spencer frowns, not in an objectionable way, but in a thoughtful way. Clearly this conversation poked a whole bunch of needles into Aaron like bad acupuncture and then rolled him over on that side without taking the needles out. "Could we... Talk about it? You look pretty upset."

"No," Aaron says again. He tries to pick up his fork, but he fumbles with it and is unable to keep a grip on it. He's lost his appetite, anyway. He takes his plate to the kitchen, washes it off, and goes to shower with the door closed, like always—usually so Spencer won't see his upper body, but tonight so Spencer won't see the steam pour out of the room as he turns the water up all the way and scrubs himself until his skin is pink and raw.

Hours later, they're lying together in bed. Spencer drowses in a post-coital haze, his head on Aaron's clothed chest—besides Aaron's shirt, they're both naked. Aaron reads a book, or pretends to, but he hasn't turned a page in three and a half minutes, and Aaron usually reads about two hundred fifty words a minute, which means he's a minute and a half late to turn this page—

"Are you afraid of me?"

"Hm...?" Spencer blinks a few times to shake himself from his sleepy reverie. "What?"

"Do you—Do you think I would ever hurt you?"

"No, of course not. I would never think that." Aaron licks his lips and dog-ears the page (Spencer winces at this but doesn't remark on it) and puts the book to the side. "Are you okay?" Aaron was even more tender than usual tonight, and while ultimately it was for Spencer's benefit, he's concerned about its origins. Aaron has made it pretty clear he doesn't want to talk about the conversation earlier, but Spencer wonders how, exactly, a simple question got him so bent out of shape.

"Do you trust me?" Aaron presses.

"Yeah, of course. You licked my anus, like, ten minutes ago. I trust you not to give us E coli , which is the highest of compliments." Spencer tries to restore some levity to the conversation, since it's clear Aaron won't say what's actually bothering him, and Spencer doesn't particularly like to hold these long conversations completely in the dark.

His attempt doesn't assuage Aaron. "And you trust me not to hurt you? Or put my hands on you, ever?"

Spencer rolls over in his arms to look Aaron in the eyes. "Aaron," he says gently, "I trust you never to let any harm come to me, ever. That's why I asked you to do that." Aaron looks stricken. "You could put your hands on my throat, and I would be the safest man on this wide green earth. Do you think I would ever give that to someone else?" Aaron always knows what's best for him, is always gentle, always sensitive to his needs—he doesn't know where this anxiety came from, but it's not founded in the reality of the Aaron he knows. "You don't have to defend yourself. You don't want to do it. End of conversation." Spencer rubs soothing circles on Aaron's chest.

"I don't want you to think I would ever let anything hurt you."

"I don't think that."

"Even me."

"I don't think that, either." Spencer kisses him. "It's okay. I know better than to try to take sex advice from a couple that involves Emily. She's, like, the opposite of you."

Aaron's interest is piqued. "In what way?" Spencer opens his mouth. "No, wait, never mind, I don't—I don't want to know."

That night, Spencer rests easily, but Aaron squeezes him so tightly around the middle that he has to wiggle more than once to breathe, and very late, long after Aaron thinks he has fallen asleep, he feels Aaron cry silently, face buried between Spencer's shoulder blades.

The next evening, Spencer brews some stew on the stove using the very precise instructions Aaron laid out for him. So far, nothing is on fire, nothing has been blackened into coal, and nothing is melting, so Spencer is achieving expectations. The front door unlocks, and he turns to watch Aaron enter, carrying a boat load of groceries. "Hey, soup's brewing."

"It's stew," Aaron corrects as Spencer takes his bags.

"Yeah, whatever. It's not on fire, is my point."

"I've never been so proud," Aaron deadpans. Spencer kisses his cheek and rolls his eyes and goes to help Aaron put things away in the kitchen. "And, um, I got something—something for you." Aaron's cheeks flush unexpectedly, and Spencer raises his eyebrows in great interest as Aaron holds out a bag to him. "I, uh, I talked to Garcia, and she had some… suggestions."

Spencer wants to ask what kind of suggestions, but inside the bag, he finds a headband with pink cat ears, a pink lacy bralette, and a pink collar with a jingly bell and a small tag—the tag engraved: Spencer .

It's mortifying. It's sweet. It's the most adventurous thing Aaron has ever done (granted, the bar was low). Spencer kisses him hard. "Oh, I love it!"

"Oh, good, I thought maybe Garcia was way off base, but after yesterday, I was afraid to talk to JJ, I don't think I can look either of them in the eye ever again—"

"We could add to the tag property of Aaron Hotchner —"

Aaron shoots him a mild-tempered look. "Don't push your luck."

Spencer fidgets with the bell on the collar. "Say, uh, Garcia didn't say anything to you about, uh... cowboys, did she?"

Aaron frowns. "No, she didn't."

"Or horses, or... Assless chaps?"

"No... No. Should she have?"

"Nope!" Spencer says all too quickly. "Nope, she shouldn't have."

#hotchreid #spencer reid #aaron hotchner #matthew gray gubler #thomas gibson #rotch #heid #spotch #criminal minds #spencer's writing

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transrightsjimin · 4 years

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@trespassers-will ok here we go

i also watched the various videos hidden inside each photo and the videos that were posted today as well and took notes too hjfhk

1. hobi’s room

okay so i thought i would rank jin’s room first but then i saw hobi’s room and i saw that couch nd went OMG okay thats no.1!! i love this interior so so much, like i normally hate orange and blue as a combination but this seems almost more like red and blue and it really reminds me of hopeworld. there’s many pop art-like graphic design posters adorning the walls, showing lines like ‘hope‘, ‘sweet’ and ‘my way‘. the shoes on the closet(?) behind him were disaplayed bc those are the colours we wears the most in his fashion. and then there’s this iconic inflatable clear pink couch and him wearing a pink robe and just GOD what a mood, i want a room like this!! the chair reminds me a lot of the type of fun quirky furniture i fantasized about and incorporated into my drawings as a kid when i was around 8-11, probably because i got inspired by stuff like totally spies and polly pocket, which had all these designs clearly inspired by 60s and 70s space age design but more in pink and purple i guess.

also i hate the search for such stills bc even w safe search on, you still have godawful f3tish drawings depicting those kids from totally spies ending up in search results and it’s disgusting. but yeah it reminded me of that

youtube

when i say polly pocket, i particularly mean this quik-clik (magnetic clothes and hair) era in 2005 which was what i had some stuff from. i had that couch / movie night! set and the pool and that

also i just really like hobi’s room because with all the posters and cabinets and clothing items laid out and a carpet and fun colours and whatnot, it really feels like an actual room you could live in, unlike any of the other rooms which feel very empty or too minimalist to me. but YEAH hobi’s room is my fav, i love the way a fuller room feels more cozy and habitable and floaties and inflatable floaties are AMAZING

2. jin’s room

jin’s room is so prettyyyy!! jins explanation of the room was very uhm confident and funny but i love that. the couch looks like a lilac shell, which makes sense as everything else looks very pearlescent. i really love cool-toned pastels like lilac, powder / baby blue, periwinkle and everything just looks like it’s part of a waiting hall for mermaids or something. there’s also gems in it which took me a while to realize bc i only noticed the glass chandelier and lamp but then i saw them in his hand nd on the table. i dont rly care abt gems / jewels but overall i just love how this whole room speaks ‘pretty‘ to me. robes are always a plus. as i was writing this, i was also reminded of hair extension mullet jin with iridescent clothing and all and that is actually my all time fav photoshoot / look of him. him saying he’s the gem of the room makes sense too as he’s sitting in the shell like a pearl. jin pretty pretty mermaid

ok from here on its getting harder bc place 3-8 is not so much abt which is nicer but which one actually makes me feel any emotion bc i just feel too exhausted for excitement over comebacks or anything really. also minimalism doesnt make me feel anything either. but ill try

3. jungkook’s room

ok ive been staring at a screen w few sleep for too long so ill try to go through my ranking faster bc ive been working on this post for too long, also partially bc i cant focus nd partially bc theres some i just rly dont feel much for but i feel bad for ranking one lower than the other or ranking smth higher when ive talked to someone who dislikes a room i like dghkfdf

but yeah i like jungkooks room! its a very intense blue tht might make you depressed if youre in it too long but again i love how theres multiple items stacked in the bg and intense blue lights, and the ceiling looks like it has soundproof padding. its like youre in a recording studio or at some vaguely nostalgic party of a friend of my mom, who had plants in her home nd rock music nd the tv on and was smoking nd it was a bit dark and mysterious. i like it, it intrigues me a bit nd makes me miss going to concerts. also this pic rly just reminds me of 2008-2010 pop music videos where theres always a party and dj and people are wearing sunglasses or something and theres a dance break at the end

4. yoongi’s room

also blue!! the first time i saw this pic it was bc someone sent it to me to say how ugly they thought the decoration / editing looked w the metallic dripping stuff from the couch and whatnot but i kinda like it :( i like his velvety clothing and the light blue in the rest of the room is really pretty. i like mirror themes when done well nd i like how the reflectiveness shows also in the metallic dripping nd metallic spheres and the mirror hes standing on nd the way light reflects on his clothes and from the lamp. only the lamp feels a bit too much like a contemporary art installation for me nd his room already is a bit too empty for my liking nd i had the feeling when i watched the vid of him walking through the room that there was not much to interact w in the room like it was a bit dull. his voice in the explanation videos made it feel more like a place of peace / solitude rather than boredom or loneliness though.

5. namjoon’s room

ehh i think place 5, 6 and 7 are interchangable at this point. namjoon woulve ranked lowest but i listened to his explanation videos and saw him goof around in today’s video and appreciated it a bit more. the room still looks quite minimalist and not super comfortable, like youre not allowed to touch anything there (which is the same for jin i guess but i dont view that as smth meant to look like a living room). i do like how the wood theme is present throughout each wall nd in various items and w the windows nd use of space it feels a bit inspired by japanese interior design and that that is inspired by his bonsai tree nd love for woodwork, but im not sure. i was actually quite shocked some of his explanations were so short. so yeah i place this 5th bc i like how coherent the theme is but it doesnt feel cozy or inviting nd still very cold to me, maybe bc it looks too expensive or minimalistic in terms of colours.

6. jimin’s room

i like the flowers but also i dont like tiny flowers nd they tend to be the stinkier ones. i kind of like how jimins room feels the most like a grandma one w all the flowers nd offwhite and the lamp and beige i think? but the colours are so muted and if anything it feels like a place for a bridal photoshoot nd im just so bored. i love jimin nd feel bad for ranking a room he curated so low but it rly creates no serotonine in my brain, just melatonine bc im sleepy. i like how the room i obviously quite packed w stuff, but then the washed out colours make everything still look very bleak. hmm. i do like how the flowers reach outside the borders unlike w any of the others’ photos. im about to fall asleep so let me quickly finish this post

7. tae’s room

the picture in the middle behind him is interesting nd i dont know how he made that, nd i do like how he described his room as a place where there would always be enough food for visitors. i know it’s meant to communicate some highbrow, artsy vibe but w the weird editing and lightning nothing looks real in the room he’s in (including himself, like it doesnt even look like hes in the room) and it just looks kitschy instead of artsy. yeah i dont gravitate towards this one, it’s like deep-fried and desaturated at the same time nd i tend to avoid looking at it subconsciously

8. the first room photo

i first posted a long description here why but it disappeared but in short. this photo evokes no emotional response to me other than think of kind of crappy hotel rooms i was in w my parents while on vacation nd we slept in the same room or something nd the beds were awful nd made my moms chronic pain worse. the clothing is very boring and so r the colours of the room. i know bangtan curated stuff but its still the least interesting photo to me, maybe im too depressed to feel anything idk

im sorry this was prob very boring TT_TT i tried my best to make a ranking but i rly dont know nor care as much as i would want to

#asks #trespassers will #rambles #long post

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if-the-crown-fits-translate-it · 4 years

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Discord pt 100

[Date: 20/03, 7:45 PM GMT - 20/03, 8:49 PM GMT]

[Prior to the below conversation, Mona and Marcus briefly discuss how Maxwell had said that Fetch was supposed to be returning home this day. Even if it wasn’t the Fetch they knew, Mona said that he’d still have to take a bath when he got home.]

Little-K1ng: “i.. kind of dont want to think about it until it happens, yknow?

speaking of max, did you see??

im so proud of him, he left and didnt feel like he had to tell me why”

marcus...?: “Oh! Progress!!”

Little-K1ng: “of course i saw the post, hes waiting for fetch. but i think he also needed something from that place he was staying at? im just hopeful for him

im glad hes feeling confident after all this”

marcus...?: “Me too

He seemed...less stressed”

Little-K1ng: “yeah !!

but honestly, so do you”

marcus...?: “Do I?”

Little-K1ng: “yeah, just a bit

you know i still support you, right?”

marcus...?: “...”

Little-K1ng: “just like how i support max taking off his necklace, i support you being yourself

whatever that means to you”

donti: “. its up to you, marcus.”

marcus...?: “...”

Little-K1ng: “or viscount, if you like”

Little-K1ng: “do you want me to be honest?”

marcus...?: “Please”

Little-K1ng: “i know i havent done that much lately

i dont.... i dont really think you've been "marcus" this whole time. i believe thats who you were before crown, but i dont think you ever really fell out of the Family, so to speak

and im fine with that”

marcus...?: “...you are?”

llyr (they/them): “uhm, i hate to interrupt, but i think knight has max?”

donti: “WHAT”

Little-K1ng: “WH

okay,, uh”

donti: “NOT GOOD”

[marcus...?: “...you are?”]

Little-K1ng: “yes i am

but also”

llyr (they/them): “max said he was going to go outside and now knight said “he has the third””

Little-K1ng: “HHHH”

donti: “hey hey uh. this is.. not ideal but. we can. work through this.

do you know. wher ethey are OH WAIT BARONESS IS WHAT

baroness is taking max.

but fetch looks to be coming back.”

llyr (they/them): “... 3:

... shit.”

donti: “"shit" indeed.”

Little-K1ng: “I.....”

donti: “mona?”

Little-K1ng: “christ”

donti: “marcus.. or veyecount?”

Little-K1ng: “i cant even go get him,

i thought he was on his way back i...”

marcus...?: “...max isnt.. coming back”

donti: “no..

unless you want to try to catch baroness.

fetch can hear the music.”

marcus...?: “What music?”

donti: “. the music crown plays.

to get him to sleep. or be taken.”

marcus...?: “...oh”

donti: “. if he resists it his nose starts bleeding. its not good.”

Jack the Observer: “Fetch is making his way back to the house.

at least.”

marcus...?: “That’s good”

llyr (they/them): “there’s nothing we can do at this point, is there?”

Jack the Observer: “no.”

marcus...?: “...Mona?”

Little-K1ng: “im just.....

i guess... im running a warm bath, do you want to put on some coffee? if fetch shows up, hes going to be exhausted. if knight shows up, hes going to appreciate the effort”

marcus...?: “....yeah I can do that”

Little-K1ng: “.....brew it strong

ill need some too, i have a migraine coming on”

marcus...?: “Got it”

donti: “. guys.

fetch isnt doing. too well.”

llyr (they/them): “...”

marcus...?: “I can see that, try not to stress Mona out any more than she already is please”

donti: “alright.”

Little-K1ng: “marcus, can i check your laurel? just to see if anything else has happened to it”

marcus...?: “Uh..yeah sure”

Little-K1ng: “hm.. the flowers are pretty and blooming well, but no new changes”

marcus...?: “...can I check for you?”

Jack the Observer: “well. we can see how Mona is doing. how about you, viscount?”

marcus...?: “I’m alright”

arc: “is there anything you need from us at the moment bud?”

marcus...?: “I’m fine, Mona is stressed”

Jack the Observer 👁: “it would be understandable if you were also stressed, viscount.

after all, you are familiar with both Fetch and Knight.”

marcus...?: “I’m....not stressed exactly

Anxious maybe”

[marcus...?: “...can I check for you?”]

Little-K1ng: “...please”

marcus...?: “....

Nothing

No bumps

Your skins red but you said you’d been pulling on your hair”

Jack the Observer: “it's the twentieth.”

Little-K1ng: “yeah... been constantly checking and its actually kinda hurting from that”

Jack the Observer: “that would imply that she is not, in fact the fourth.

...”

Little-K1ng: “but only from that, nothing on the skin”

Jack the Observer: “so who is?”

Little-K1ng: “im.... i just....ii j ust ,,”

llyr (they/them): “wasn’t baroness’s a spontaneous growth?”

Jack the Observer: “not really. she had a unusual headache and illness for days before.”

Little-K1ng: “i dd o nt knn ow”

donti: “ah. mona.”

marcus...?: “Hey hey hey Mona it’s okay”

Little-K1ng: “h h ow amd i gg oi ng to kee p d oi ng this”

Little-K1ng: “eever yy FUCKING time,,”

donti: “breathe..”

Jack the Observer: “calm yourself.

fetch is here

is fetch there, mona”

donti: “fetch!”

Little-K1ng: “hh es ??

wha t?

oh i hear footsteps on the porch”

Jack the Observer: “calm yourself. go to fetch.”

Little-K1ng: “I”

marcus...?: “ow”

Little-K1ng: “WOAH okay”

. . .: “ ...”

Little-K1ng: “FETCH?”

marcus...?: “Did you have to slam the door??”

. . .: “............”

marcus...?: “Holy shit”

. . .: “...”

Jack the Observer: “viscount, what's happening.”

donti: “fetch?”

Little-K1ng: “the door just FLEW open oh my god”

marcus...?: “He’s..covered in blood”

Little-K1ng: “oh my god

oh thats a lot....”

marcus...?: “Oh my god”

. . .: “Cant you hear that lovely tune?”

Jack the Observer: “Who's the most coherent one in the room”

marcus...?: “Me?”

Little-K1ng: “the... tune?”

donti: “. the song.”

marcus...?: “Fetch there’s no sound”

Bea (she/they): “oh no”

Jack the Observer: “well. can you hear puppet?”

marcus...?: “Just..us”

Jack the Observer: “...”

Little-K1ng: “fetch..... its quiet except for your breathing, are you....?”

Jack the Observer: “it's Knight that's playing puppet, then.”

donti: “or crown.”

marcus...?: “There’s no sounds”

Little-K1ng: “fetch... i..”

marcus...?: “No one is playing anything”

Little-K1ng: “hey, come here... you're gonna hurt yourself, i can help you stand..”

marcus...?: “WHOA HEY”

[donti: “is his nose bleeding?”]

Little-K1ng: “genuinely the least answerable question”

Jack the Observer: “someone get Max's tea.”

Little-K1ng: “AH

FETCH”

marcus...?: “he just collapsed”

Little-K1ng: “hes on the floor

ill carry him im”

donti: “the tea jacks right give him the tea”

Little-K1ng: “he needs a lot”

C R O W N: “:)”

Little-K1ng: “[GASP] uh uh hey hey there uh”

donti: “. crown. nice to.. see you again.”

Little-K1ng: “just gonna,, drag

fetch,,”

Little-K1ng: “gotta get him cleaned up,, hahahaha,,, uh,,,”

C R O W N: “hello again everyone :) long time, no see”

marcus...?: “.....

Crown”

marcus...?: “Crown I’m so sorry”

Little-K1ng: “here bud, just lay here, okay? you'll be alright,, ill keep you safe, you'll be okay, fetch

ill grab maxs weird water for you just.... just lay here.... dont slump like that...”

[marcus...?: “Crown I’m so sorry”]

C R O W N: “Ah, viscount :) how are you feeling? your flowers are coming in beautifully”

marcus...?: “I’m feeling alright but..

I’m sorry

im so sorry”

Little-K1ng: “here, fetch, shh... just.... ill wipe you down with it... it should help.... i cant see if you're wounded i cant see it... ,my migraine.....you'll be okay you'll be okay ill keep you safe”

[marcus...?: “im so sorry”]

C R O W N: “It's alright :) i'm not mad, i promise”

marcus...?: “..you’re not?

I... I pushed you in a river”

donti: “marcus?

marcus...?: “I pushed you in a river and I knew it would hurt you I was just so scared im sorry

I never wanted to leave I was just scared I'm sorry”

Little-K1ng: “there we go.... your cuts are sealing, you're looking better already... you're breathing okay... i promised you would come home in time and you're here fetch and im so glad”

[marcus...?: “I never wanted to leave I was just scared I'm sorry”]

C R O W N: “It's okay, vis. You're going home now. That's what matters :)”

marcus...?: “i can come back?”

Little-K1ng: “im sure lawrence would have understood.... im sure he forgives you..... its okay....... i forgive you, i was never mad fetch im here.... i wont let you go again i promise i promise i”

marcus...?: “you’ll let me come back home?”

[marcus...?: “you’ll let me come back home?”]

C R O W N: “of course :)”

marcus...?: “thank you thankyouthankyou

....crown?”

C R O W N: “:)”

marcus...?: “Crown...max and fetch...

They aren’t happy.......when they’re page and knight

please

let them be happy”

Kate: “Oh, this is such a good day!”

marcus...?: “can you promise me that?”

Little-K1ng: “its okay fetch its okay ive got you im holding you you'll be okay even if you're knight i wont mind i wont as long as you're okay and you're happy i promise i really do”

donti: “chat and kate are here.”

Jack the Observer: “hello, pawns :)”

Kate: “:)”

Chat: “:)”

[.: “let them be happy”]

C R O W N: “Of course, vis. I promise they'll be happy:)”

marcus...?: “thank you”

Little-K1ng: “crown is in my house hes in my house hes talking to marcus viscount him and i just i dont know what to do i said i would be okay im going to be okay ive done it before and ill do it again ill be okay”

[Jack the Observer: “calm yourself, Mona. focus on... your dog.”]

Little-K1ng: “name one single other thing i have ever been focused on you many eyed FUCK”

Kate: “:)”

[Kate: “hello there! are you as excited as we are?”]

Jack the Observer: “we've certainly been waiting for this moment with a comparable amount of energy.”

Kate: “:)”

donti: “you seem excited. i hope youre happy.”

C R O W N: “It's time to go home, for all of you. Are you ready? :)”

.: “I’m ready”

Little-K1ng: “ive been waiting for this day for weeks now and its here and i dont know what to do i dont know how to help or what to say or how to feel or what to think what the fuck”

Kate: “Of course I’m happy, silly! Family is coming home today! Wouldn’t you be happy?”

. . .: “Duh! why wouldn't i be!”

Little-K1ng: “knight if today is the day you still have to get up and go hes here and i dont know how patient hes going to be please ijust wa nt yo u to be h a pp y . and sa sa fe....”

C R O W N: “I'm glad to hear it :)”

Jack the Observer: “we're just waiting on the second and the fourth, now.”

Little-K1ng: “the second is in here in the bathroom with me please crown please come in and see him i cant get him to wake up hes exhausted and i dont know what to do”

donti: “why are you calling him that...”

Jack the Observer: “well. we can't call him Knight or Fetch.”

Little-K1ng: “hes breathing hes ALIVE but i cant i cant help him i dont know what to do hes not bleeding anymore he should be awake”

Bea (she/they): “who said we couldn't call him fetch?”

[donti: “why are you calling him that...”]

Jack the Observer: “the second makes it clear, at least, who we're speaking about.”

[Little-K1ng: “hes breathing hes ALIVE but i cant i cant help him i dont know what to do hes not bleeding anymore he should be awake”]

C R O W N: “Ah I see :)”

Jack the Observer: “he may not be fetch right now. it's disrespectful not to call someone by their chosen name.”

Little-K1ng: “i dont know who the fourth is and i dont know what to do i dont have a laurel and i dont know how to help”

C R O W N: “:)”

Little-K1ng: “WHY ARE YOU SMILING?? IS HE OKAY WHAT DO I DO CROWN”

[Little-K1ng: “WHY ARE YOU SMILING?? IS HE OKAY WHAT DO I DO CROWN”]

C R O W N: “The first came willingly, the second is sleeping, the third is heading home. The fourth? :)”

Kate: “Don't worry, Mona! When he wakes up, he'll be good as new! Crown always takes care of us”

Little-K1ng: “crown my migraine isnt worse with you around, its just the same. i weirdly expected something to change while im looking at you”

Little-K1ng: “im just looking at you and you're right in front of me. you're just. you're just smiling at me and im just as conflicted as i was before. i dont know what to do, crown

[hic] ii , ,i just don n t kn ow wwh a t to do..”

Jack the Observer: “please stay coherent, mona.”

Little-K1ng: “i, , i m, t try ing,... ii h a ve t o try”

C R O W N: “It's alright :) can i speak with you? away from prying eyes?”

Little-K1ng: “I...”

Little-K1ng: “yeah

we can talk”

Jack the Observer: “...”

donti: “... be safe mona.”

llyr (they/them): “... stay safe”

Jack the Observer: “mind how you go.”

Little-K1ng: “ill be safe, i think. i dont think he could really hurt me like this”

Kate: “:)”

Jack the Observer: “:)”

Kate: “Everything will be alright. Don't worry your pretty little heads.”

Chat: “:)”

Kate: “:)”

donti: “.i wonder if the others are alright.”

Jack the Observer: “will everything come out alright? none of us can be certain.”

Kate: “Come on, don't be sad. Today's a joyous day! It's the first day of spring!”

Jack the Observer: “not even Kate, confident as they are”

donti: “ah. a very happy day.”

donti: “spring.”

Kate: “Why wouldn't everything come out alright? Family's coming home! It's time to have a good old fashioned celebration!”

llyr (they/them): “spring... is a very good season. it’s new beginnings, right? :3″

Kate: “Exactly! It's a time for new beginnings, to clear away the dust and sadness and coldness of winter and let the sunshine in!”

donti: “spring cleaning is. overrated.”

llyr (they/them): “haha.. you’re right...”

Kate: “Yes, but sometimes it's necessary to let beautiful things grow!”

#on:discord #by:marcus #by:knight #by:crown #by:baroness #if the crown fits #by:chat #by:kate

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issuedsideways · 4 years

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might fuck around and make a list of tony’s alters*!! right now. why not. its hard to differentiate but i could take some stabs in the dark. ok this got long so its under a cut.

mark aside (because ive said enough about him), there’s at least the two who look young, no surprise. there’s probably at least one more young one (younger, with more focus on home/family/howard trauma) but he wouldn’t be relevant to this whole... plot, anyway. but we do see one who looks to be in boarding school, so under 15, and a slightly older one who still looks ~young, i want to say 17-20ish?? and he’s very “look how fine and okay we are! our life is awesome!” but is literally in a racing suit as if fast cars aren’t somewhere he gravitates mid breakdown. i love that for him. very in character.

there’s also uhh. cave!tony, actively bandaged. he absolutely never left the cave, and wont. theres no... yknow. there’s no adjusting to that that’s a clean split kind of thing. i dont know how long 616 was in the cave but i’m assuming also a couple of months?? like mcu?? more than long enough to end up with a permanent split who can’t really... i mean we all know he didn’t like. get therapy. he cant reintegrate. he’s probably either the old host who “died” in the cave, or he split in that environment, but either way, he doesn’t make it out.

there’s at least two iron man splits, the sort of... early grey one and the red&gold one are shown, and i dont know enough about early comics canon to make a guess at why they’re distinct, exactly, but i’m guessing some sort of near-death-or-actual-death event that puts a nice clean line in between them. or a team change, could be less dramatic than that? unless the grey one’s JUST the mark I, in which case nvm because the difference then is obvious. escape vs be a hero, you’d need two. notably theres not a super modern iron man split shown, i’m assuming once he stopped doing the secret identity thing that stopped being a split type he’d need, but prior to that he’d need an active, functional iron man split at all times. and he’s got at least the two. (whether or not you want to call mark an iron man split... shrugs! he’s not quite the same tho, since his job is not to pilot the suit, necessarily.)

there’s an actively drunk one, and he’s an important split, because he’s obviously going to hold onto a lot of the desire to drink/etc. i know tony does the “keep a bottle nearby to figure out how bad he’s doing” thing but honestly that’s also a “how close is this tony” meter, imo. he’s necessary but he’s also, generally, possible to keep away. if he’s holding onto the majority of that impulse it’d be, honestly... well i think it’d look like the way tony approaches his alcoholism actually (and the whole crown meant specifically to control, yknow, hulk, in ts:im? was also clearly aimed at this one, on tony’s end.)

we’ve got this very coherent seeming business-y tony also, who i’d peg as “The Tony Stark” -- as in, the face, the name, the one who’s “on.” especially in the early days when the “host” tony was drinking, having a split whos job is company things, PR things, etc, that’s going to go a long way. he seems like that, but i’m stabbing in the dark. i could be missing sth obvious.

we’ve also got the one in eScape in ts:im who doesn’t show up on the page in im2020 but because the kid shows up in both, i’m really... willing to extend this to him also. he has no reason to show up re: mark anyway but he seems coherent and specific and extremely out of time. probably an old host but cut after the alcoholism spiraled out of control? since he clearly drinks without much concern. but, fwiw, he doesn’t seem to line up totally cleanly with any “real” time period, and was actively being manipulated by motherboard, so...? i dont know.

i’d argue there’s also The One Who Died In Civil War II but he wouldn’t show up in this whole convincing-mark thing because. well. he’s “dead.” like hes in there but he’s Deactivated, so to speak. host change.

the new tony, post-mark, is someone distinct! new host. but a shaky one so far and i think this tracks with what i’ve read of iron man vol 6 also (which is only whats on MU), tony has no idea what he wants or what he’s doing but he’s trying a bunch of things, that are all very different from what he was doing before but also falling back on things that are familiar, like hosting big parties, even when it’s incompatible with his new goals. this would track with it being a whole host-switch since pre-CWII and post-mark tony are just... not going to be the same person, imo.

i am on the fence a little about if ts:im tony and IM vol6 tony are the same person or not, and i was leaning towards “yes” because i feel like ts:im tony didn’t have enough time to stabilize, like, there were too many breakdown events happening in rapid succession while mark was building up in the background. but he had a relationship with jan that was going well, he was really trying with the eScape, etc, so i want to give him that distinctness, at least, and IM vol6 tony also did the thing where he changes his appearance up a bunch, which is kind of a red flag for host changes, especially... right after the year-long interruption that was mark’s whole... thing.

i’d have to read a LOT more comics to say any more than this, because i’m sure i’m missing some obvious ones who should exist but aren’t present/relevant re: mark. but. here are some of my thoughts anyway!!!! tony& gives me life.

#speaking of issues #*or word of your choice. headmates/system members/etc i'm using alters here because its a personal preference but i dont mean anything by i #infinite serotonin from DID tony!!!#this is a tag now i just use. repeatedly.#but its TRUE.

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cowboyshit · 4 years

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@adampage tumblr did a dumbass thing and messed up the read-more to where I couldn’t put it under one so I had to delete your ask and I’m making a separate post for this disaster of a ramble hoooo boy i hope you’re ready for what you’ve unleashed

adampage asked: ma’am I know you’re high off your rocker but if you have time would you please critique hangman’s playlist for me bc I want to know your thoughts 🥰 anyway yeehaw

OH MY GOD yes???? yes I fucking WILL?????? let’s just pump the breaks on what i was doing right the fuck now, get his playlist in front of me (even though ive been listening to it nonstop and have so many things to ALREADY SAY) and talk about this shit. im sorry if this isn’t coherent im pry just gonna ramble. (edit to add now that I’m done: ITS FREAKING 3252 WORDS LONG LMAO OH MY GOD)

first and foremost. I Love It. let’s just slap that down. get that out of the way. ITS SO GOOD. SO FUCKING GOOD. also this is going under a readmore cause YEAH. it’s THAT LONG.

let’s start first with mr. adam ‘i taught graphic design when i was 20 and learned adobe illustrator and photoshop to design my own tshirts when i was an indie wrestler’ page’s cover image. wait. no. back up - look at the profile image he chose for his profile. it’s not a selfie. it’s not a picture he snapped with his camera. it’s a screenshot of the “has been drinking” moment on aew dynamite. what a lovable FOOL. he really saved that and put that as his profile pic im skjdfkjfd okay now swing back to the anxious millenial design with the signed hangman adam page for the cover. he designed that. I swear he did. I swear he did that. I could be wrong but I just feel it in my bones. that was him. also, THAT should have been the vintage shirt. cowboy shit is cute but ANXIOUS MILLENNIAL COWBOY? I NEED THAT AS THE SHIRT!

okay now let’s get into the songs. wait. before i go through it I do want to say something about the playlist overall.

I can’t decide if this is because he shares so many similarities to the character hangman adam page, but so many of these songs apply to his character like, this fucking playlist plays like a hangman adam page THE CHARACTER playlist. like this is the playlist i’d find on 8tracks back when that was the “thing” in fandom where every song makes me go “OMG THAT IS THAT CHARACTER” like. I don’t know if he did that purposefully as an extension of the character? or if it just happens to line up because of how similar he is and his story is to his character but SOME of these songs wooooo boy they get deep dont they? when you compare them to the character?

okay. songs.

so I know some of these, especially the classics, summertime of course, but for the ones I didn’t know I love them so much. they have such a vibe that just fits him, and they’re all so good???

rather low by nick shoulders is one I didn’t know and I fucking LOVE it. and look. it goes from Long Time Gone by the Dixie Chicks. Long Time Gone about being away from the country life, from home and if my THEORY is right about this playlist hitting the character, hangman is struggling with being lost, without a family. it goes from that to rather low, which talks about not being welcome at home. like “I told you once I told you twice, I’m steeped in verse and cursed in vice” ajdskjds GOOD lyrics. beat slaps. song slaps. I love it.

okay so we go roll on mississippi which is soft compared to the two upbeat songs that just hit us before. calms you down after that high energy beat rather low had. lets you breathe. AND it’s got a sad, soft, longing pull to it, falling in with more of those “lost” from home themes. “You're the childhood dream that I grew up on. Roll on Mississippi, carry me home. Now I can see I've been away too long.” UGH! and also, it’s just a good fucking song.

then we go to a song i haven’t heard and love, going places by aubrie sellers. it’s a little bit funkier, but still soft. also groovy as FUCK. and it obv talks about GOING places. so maybe the first three songs were about the home he’s left behind, but now it’s about where he’s going. and man this song just SLAPS.

A CLASSIC is next, 1970 something illegal smile by john prine. it has that classic soft croon, such a good country sound and it’s a little bit playful. it makes you wanna smile and sway back and forth. it’s a good song. fun. but it’s almost a little bit. dark? “ Won't you please tell the man I didn't kill anyone. No, I'm just tryin' to have me some fun. Well, I sat down in my closet with all my overalls, tryin' to get away from all the ears inside my walls. I dreamed the police heard everything I thought, what then?” it just makes me think of when his character “killed” joey ryan. I could be looking too far into it but, that’s what popped into my head.

OKAY NOW this next one. fuck yeah I DIG this song. I hadn’t heard this song and it quickly went into my liked songs. and if we’re following his character, the lyrics hit HARD. “ I've lost the will to try this worthless lullaby. Its melody won't fly me past oblivion. I bet it would be nice to find that paradise, a world of sparkling light beyond the setting sun. But I don't dream anymore” ugh !!!!!!! UGGGHH!! SO GOOD?? and even the slight upbeat to it. “would if I could but I don’t dream anymore” uuuuggghhh SO GOOD. love this song. one of my faves of the whole list for sure.

the next two back-to-back are CLASSICS and fit the hangman adam page character so damn perfect. i’ve even looked at lyrics from merle haggard’s i don’t want to sober up to night for adam in the past akjfdkjdsf it’s fucking perfect. and then followed by dwight yoakam’s honky tonk man?! amazing. we go from from fucking heart-wrenching lyrics if you think about them for him: “ I don't want to sober up tonight. I don't want to act like things are alright, and I don't want to change just to make you think I'm happy. That's my right, I don't want to sober up tonight. I want to keep my mind a little hazy. I don't care if all my friends think I'm crazy. The way I treat myself I might be a little crazy But that's alright, I don't want to sober up tonight. I'm here to drown another day of misery. I'm in here to spend one night without a mem'ry and the way I'm drinking now there won't be any memory. But it's alright, I don't want to sober up tonight” to HONKY TONK MAN. HONKY. TONK. MAN. “ Well I'm a honky tonk man and I can't seem to stop. I love to give the girls a whirl to the music of an old jukebox, but when my money's all gone, I'm on the telephone singing, hey hey mama can your daddy come home?” ajhsdjksdjkf like. look. partying hangman, drunk, swinging a girl around in the country bar???? cause he refused to sober up and just wanted to have fun? anyways regardless if there’s a connection or if im reaching, these are some good classics to pull out right here. honky tonk man will ALWAYS bring the party back up.

another song I didn’t know but now love? happy reunion by colter wall? this is a good freaking cowboy song??? and it’s a cute story???? about what a cowboy does during his day??? what the fuck? riding along the range with his dog, helping the cow, getting the calf back that’d gotten lost???? CUTE? anyways this is a vibin as HELL song and if it’d come out when I was still raising cows my ass woulda been blasting this shit as I drove to feed the herd for SURE. this song is a whole ass vibe and I’m digging it.

okay. walk through fire by yola? another i didn’t know (which - so far it seems all the songs that arent classics - spare dixie chicks - are from 2019) and I am obsessed with???? it’s so good? and fuck just such a good love song??? “Standing on the side of the river. Staring across the great divide. I'd give all my gold and silver just to get to the other side. Your love is like a rescue vessel, carries me through the night through these flames of destruction. I know you're gonna make it right. I know, I know you're gonna save my life.“ LIKE? HENLO????????? FUCK!!!! THATS SO GOOD. that whole song I could post all the lyrics tbh. and the way she CROONS it ugh. yeah. I love that song.

FUCKIN YES. DOLLY FUCKIN PARTON. youre not gonna make a country playlist and not include a dolly parton song boy i KNOW IT. and the song choice??? hm? remind you of a CERTAIN COWBOYS STRUGGLE WITH NOT HAVING A HOME???? “What difference does it make which way I go, got an empty feelin' down inside. Still I need to stay alive and who can tell what waits beyond this road. I'm a drifter” ajdfshjsd god I love dolly. and of COURSE he does too. i’m so pleased by this choice I can’t stop smiling. ugh. love this. love dolly.

sandpaper oneside, rubber other by the bobby tenderloin universe what do you know? another 2019 song I didn’t know and yet absolutely LOVE. I also am loving how he does a mix of classics with newer (but still almost classic-country sounding, maybe like. classic meets modern) country music in this playlist. AND WHAT A SONG. it’s so good? and again, just makes me think of the character. “there are two minds inside me. that’s one life too many. but i keep moving slow on both sides, strong as I can be.” tell me that doesnt make you think of hangman adam page. and it has such a... sad vibe. “i cant believe the things i am. as much a lion as a lamb” !!!!!!!!!!! ugh such a GOOD LINE. THAT SLAPS. LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh this song. especially the back vocals of the woman that comes in later on? it’s like. ethereal. beautiful. fucking beautiful and almost haunting. paired with the sad lyrics? UGH. gorgeous.

long white line by sturgill simpson i do know and LOVE and it’s got a fun, uplifting cowboy beat following the more slow, sad croon of the last song. it’s SO COUNTRY. the way it’s sung? SO COUNTRY. and also ajdfskjsd adam. “I woke up my baby was gone without her I don't need no home” and “Gonna' push this rig 'til I push that girl out of my mind. If somebody wants to know what's become of this so and so tell em' I'm somewhere looking for the end of that long white line” kjdjkfdkjf this is just such a country song, and it fits SO well, especially after that previous pick.

now we go from two new songs to another classic. another (i think) 1970s country hit. lonesome, on’ry and mean is SUCH a classic country song. it has that good old sound, and the story it tells too. and just, I can’t stop thinking about hangman just “ Been driving these highways, been doing things my way. It's been making me lonesome on'ry and mean.” ajdskjflkf it’s fair to say that character IS lonesome, on’ry and mean right now. anyways, fun country song regardless and I DIG the addition.

okay back to a newer song and holy shit. this is my personal favorite of the new songs he introduced me to. this song I LOVE this song. fuuun FUN beat, makes me want to fucking GROOVE. I love love love this, and I love the way the singer sings? it just makes me wanna UGH. just wanna sway to it. the whine in the croon I just love. and the BEAT. the beat is so fucking good. and the lyrics? “I'm that wholesome Midwestern boy that you want to bring home to your mama. Even though I bring you joy, baby I'm not the toy you wanna play with at night. Too many things I've seen. Too many people and places I've been. I'm thinking about doing those things I shouldn't be doing. Something I've never done before. I want something to fuck me up. Need somebody to fuck me up. Everyone feels like it. Fuck me up, fuck me up, fuck me up” ajdsjkds I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH “Well I might go and get drunk and stoned 'cause it's better than being only crazy. If I ever come back, wherever I end up at is where I was supposed to be.” it’s so perfect for his character it drives me crazy. this is a song I’d listen to and first, groove to, and then be like THIS SONG IS HANGMAN. love this song. absolutely a favorite.

the next song though. the next song. fucking hangman adam page and his love of biscuits. southern biscuits by seasick steve oh. my. god. this BOY. THIS COUNTRY BOY. THIS BISCUIT LOVIN COUNTRY BOY. this is such a damn good addition. not only is it so fucking country, almost. spoken/sung? the soft hum with the fucking banjo??? and of COURSE of course he knows and loves this song I can’t with him. and it hits you with the: “ Southern biscuits, nothin' better in the world 'less they're made for you, by your southern girl.” and I go UWU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

two new songs so guess what? classic time. BALANCE. HE’S KEEPING BALANCE. I swear he’s done this purposefully and I could be crazy I could be giving him more credit than is due but I swear he’s picked the arrangement of songs too. because this is too coincidental. so, we’ve got our classic livin on the run by david allan coe. what a DARK song to go with. about a man who murders a woman and lives on the run (again, can’t help but think of the joey ryan murder thing, but hey. that’s just me grasping for straws) regardless if it ties or not, it’s a good classic and it’s fun to croon to even if its uh. dark but sung like. upbeat? almost???

okay, another classic and, to me, one of the sexiest songs on this playlist. I fucking love this song. it’s sexy with an underlying of dark. she literally seduces and knocks the guy out and robs him blind and he’s STILL craving her summer wine like. this song is SO GOOD. so fucking good. the way the music swells with the storytelling is beautiful. “Strawberries cherries and an angel's kiss in spring, my summer wine is really made from all these things. Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time, and I will give to you summer wine” is just so ajkdfskjdfs ugh i love this song

and guess what? two classics so we’re swinging to a newer song. left turn on a red light by blackfoot. oof. I didn’t know this song and it hit me, it’s so good and I know im saying that about all of them but Honestly. “ Sun shines down on the desert, and it seems to make my life a haze, and I dream of my childhood sweetheart,and the freedom that I had in those days.” UGH. “ Will I always be a rambler? Will the ones I love always keep tellin' me, "You stare too long in the mirror, son, someday you'll be too blind to see.” HELLO???? those lyrics? SO GOOD. and again applying them to hangman just makes me FERAL SCREAM.

cowboys and hippies by cody jinks is such a hangman song it’s almost unreal. if I was going to REALLY reach I’d say it almost reminds me of the way the crowd pulls him back. “At some old honkytonk bar that I know by the smell, some old drunk on a barstool on a Merle Haggard tune. That's my kind of room. Raising hell with the hippies and the cowboys. They don't care about no trends, they don't care about songs that sell. Yeah, tomorrow I'll be gone, so tonight everybody just sing along, raising hell with the hippies and the cowboys” GOOD LYRICS. this has the same sad undertones too as a lot of these songs have too.

ugh. I love him sincerely for this next one. blue skies is one of my favorite songs, but blue skies by willie nelson? YES. my grandpa used to play willie nelson ALL THE TIME and I love this version. an uplifting song to follow the heavier songs. I’d like to think of a hangman who has the blue skies from now on. all of his blue days gone. this song is such a classic (cover) that just. good pick. I love this.

alright, so we’ve got a classic but he’s chosen the version from bojack horseman which makes me think that might’ve been the first time he heard it, but that’s neither here nor there. stars is a BEAUTIFUL song. and boy am I happy we had blue skies before this cause fuck. how sad? how emotional?????? “People lust for fame like athletes in a game, we break our collarbones and come up swinging, some of us are downed some of us are crowned, and some are lost and never found” fuck. fuck fuck fuck. and the last two lines, thinking about hangman? “So if you don't lose patience with my fumbling around, I'll come up singing for you, even when I'm down.” FUCK. my HEART. good pick but OUCH. good but ow.

summertime by orville peck is next BLESS finally an orville song I was gonna lose it on him if he put a playlist and DIDN’T include an orville song. interesting though he went with summertime, the newest, and not any of the ones off pony. but! it follows stars well. its soft, lull, and the lyrics are so hangman now that I put it in this context. “Catch 'em by surprise and chasin' the horizon, nothing holds me down. Askin', "Where the time's gone?" Dreamin' with the lights on, tryna keep your eyes on something along the rise" anyways I know YOU know this song well it’s so fucking good. has that same soft pull a lot of these songs have. the way that chorus swells though? the secondary vocals??? ugh. yeah this was a great choice, I’m glad he went with summertime. it fits the vibe of this playlist so well.

we’re ending on a song with such a country sound to it (i mean all of these do), a bit more upbeat, a bit more funky. “Some say I'm a wild man, drink too much nectar from the corn” and also “Oh the school, it wasn't for me. I earned my stripes a different way I learned to sing harmony and go play out on the stage” definitely makes me think of hangman for SURE. it’s a funky song to end on, and if you keep listening to the playlist on repeat like I do, it even falls into long time gone really well.

and of course this is assuming you’re meant to listen to them one after the other and not on shuffle. I’m sure it still works on shuffle but I LOVE the flow of this playlist listening to it one after the other.

love this whole playlist. and my identifying it with the character could TOTALLY be reaching, but of course I’m going to think of him and analyze his selection of *these* songs specifically to put out to all of us. out of EVERY song he likes. he didn’t include... hmm cowboy take me away, for example? shoulda been a cowboy??? the vibe of the overall playlist FITS “anxious millenial cowboy” it has an underbelly of sadness to it. and I dig the fuck out of that.

overall 10/10 I love this fucking playlist thank you goodnight

#hangman page #ashley answers #ashleys talking again #tw: weed #tw: alcohol #ANYWAYS what i'd said before is #if you read this whole thing i think im obligated to marry you #also. i forget to mention the title of some of the songs i talk about but it follows the list the whole way down #sorry how non-coherent it is i just. lose it.

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redandfranticfeelings · 5 years

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okay ive been wanting to make a post like this for a while but i wanted to make it an essay and i dont know if i can really organize my thoughts in that way yet, so here’s a chronological bullet-pointed dump to explain my very important thesis:

be more chill is about internalized ableism, and jeremy, michael, and christine are all highly autistic coded. this is going to be very long and detailed but only because there’s a lot of details that work very well under this lens.

there’s probably even stuff i missed but this is already extremely long so it basically just functions as a way for me to collect a bunch of details that i can piece together later in a more coherent manner.

“more than survive” in the context of jeremy being autistic works so much. the theme of wanting to be just socially acceptable enough to not burn out or be harassed is so relatable, and it visually establishes very early how jeremy is isolated from his peers due to his own awkward behavior and hypersensitivity. it’s coupled with his very obvious anxiety disorder, but the social aspect just screams autistic coding to me. i take this song to basically be “not having a meltdown is basically my goal but i would love to be neurotypical enough so i can heighten my standards and actually enjoy my social life.” some choice segments:

“if i’m not feeling weird or super strange, my life would be in utter disarray, cuz freaking out is my okay”

jeremy’s house being a mess is partly due to his dad’s serious depression, yeah, but i believe the other aspect is that jeremy’s executive dysfunction makes it just as hard to clean up in his place

he gets super anxious at the prospect of his expected routine being shaken up and having to make the decision on his own of how to get to school

“so i follow my own rules and i use them as my tools to stay alive” honestly sounds like a euphemism for autism to me

jeremy not really realizing that he’s staring at chloe

“avoiding any eye contact at all” explains itself

michael’s introduction, oh my god, every time i watch this part i just adore it. i could talk a lot more about michael’s autism later but this whole segment sells it especially.

first off, michael keeping his hood up and headphones on in a deliberate attempt to avoid social interaction and stay in his own space is such an autistic mood. even before this scene he’s constantly moving in the background to his music a la stimming. in the later performances he spends a lot more time playing with his hoodie strings and even chews on them!!

the fact he doesn’t talk to or even really look at jeremy until his song is done playing also feels very autistic to me! and the way he dances so confidently and basically pretends even his best friend isn’t there for the time being because he’s engrossed in his own passions.

michael is a great friend but it’s clear that he doesn’t really understand that his coping mechanism doesn’t really work for jeremy, and that even though michael feels confident reclaiming his identity as a ‘loser,’ jeremy doesn’t really feel any better about it. i think a lot of autistic folks, or at least i do, have this tendency to assume what works for us works for everyone around us at first due to our struggles with empathy. michael tries his best but struggles to see outside his point of view. it’s mind-blindness in action and jeremy can’t communicate why it upsets him any better than michael can pick up on it not working for him.

near the end of the song, they have a brief moment where all the ensemble crowds in around jeremy and the lights start flashing, which i interpret as a visual representation of sensory overload.

we’ll talk more about her soon, but outside of jeremy’s fantasies about her, christine also avoids social interaction during this number, constantly hiding her face in a book and avoiding eye contact just as much as jeremy. people forget that she’s not comfortable with unexpected social interaction, and that really informs my headcanon for her which brings us to....

“i love play rehearsal” is an autistic anthem. it also works, possibly even better due to in-text evidence, as an adhd anthem, but combined with the above it makes so much sense for her to be comorbid autism/adhd. i did a breakdown of the song in this context before, but i’ll sum it up here

the song showcases what having a special interest/hyperfixation is like. christine is singing to jeremy, yes, but she really seems so caught up in her own passion without much regard for how jeremy is following it, and even cuts him off from responding to her once or twice because she’s just so hyped up on her own feelings. she also basically implies her happiness is reliant on her special interest which is very relatable.

lines like “you follow a script so you know what comes next” also really sell the interpretation that christine isn’t good in unpredictable situations, and has so many identity issues and likes having something to look to where things are laid out for her. i think that stability is what a lot of autistic people look for, especially teenagers.

also with that in mind, look at how upset she gets watching a play she loves about get rewritten into something weird and new that she doesn’t know.

also gotta love how she still self-isolates before this song by focusing on her book, until she has a reason to infodump to jeremy. and then feels guilty afterwards and goes right back into her book while apologizing for getting “carried away”....biiiig mood there

the whole intro scene showcases both of their awkwardness so much. jeremy gets completely thrown off by her sarcastic comment about the swim team and almost believes it, which implies that he can’t read tone very well. and then christine’s “you’re a virgin” comment comes across like she really didn’t think about how that would sound to jeremy before saying it since she only made the clarification after he was ready to panic about it. she has a habit of speaking before she thinks, i think, the self-harm comment is also very awkward considering she barely knows jeremy.

after that scene we get “more than survive reprise” where jeremy admits to routinely having such bad breakdowns that he needs to step out and go to the nurse which works for both the anxiety disorder and the autism interpretation.

i’m not quite sure whether i see rich as autistic (i see him with a lot of mental issues for sure though) so i can’t say much on “the squip song” but there’s definitely something to describing a confused autistic kid as “almost helpless.” rich definitely has a habit of giving too much information though, i’ll say that.

“two player game” is just jeremy and michael being autistic solidarity: the song. i guess this is a good place to say that jeremy and michael work well as a contrast b/w two sides of autistic community, the side that struggles to function and desperately wants a change bc they’re afraid of being alone forever, and the side that tries to love all their symptoms and embrace their autistic pride. and as coincidental icing on the cake, jeremy wears blue (associated with the derogatory views from autism speaks) and michael wears red (associated with combating said views through autistic pride).

btw you could probably attribute michael’s ability to casually down a long-expired crystal pepsi as a sort of weird sensory quirk. and his fixation w/ that sort of memorabilia honestly feels like a special interest in its own right!

both “nice sideburns....wolverine, right” and “like in x-men????” using fiction as a reference point for real life always gives me autistic vibes (esp the first point where he awkwardly uses it to start conversation). can we assume x-men is a special interest? :3

jake referring to jeremy as a ‘freak’ when the squip turns on is really sad in this context but it also does make so much sense

now we get to the squip.....and what do you know, it uses tactics from abusive therapy used on autistic children. dare i say that “be more chill” as a song isn’t just an abuser’s song, but an ableist’s abuser’s song.

first off, the “spinal stimulation.” here’s a not so fun fact: electroshock therapy has been used to discourage autistic behavior in very recent years. (content warning in link for graphic description of ableist torture)

then the lyrics, in which the squip mostly focuses on jeremy’s posture and physically punishes him for disobeying. jeremy is shown to really struggle to stand up straight and pose himself in a normal, confident way, and i think that tendency to be unaware of what our body is doing is a pretty autistic thing?

the fact the squip singles out stammering and refers to jeremy’s “tics and fidgets” brings attention to two more autistic traits of jeremy’s

the squip basically punishes jeremy for responding “incorrectly” to social situations like rejecting brooke, even if they aren’t objectively wrong. it eventually just starts speaking for jeremy because jeremy seems incapable of acting natural. the squip is an abusive autism parent.

“sync up” demonstrates jeremy’s weird relationship with empathy. he wants to be nice to everyone- will has even called him “deeply empathetic”- but he’s initially really bad at seeing other people’s point of view, which is why he positions himself as sort of against the world, seeing everyone as better than him or trying to set up these barriers of Coolness where everyone else must be perfect compared to him. he’s so surprised to learn that the popular kids also hurt because of his strict idea of the social structure. it’s a combination of low self esteem and a black-and-white viewpoint.

let’s go back to christine. the squip, already established as ableist abuser, finds her “highly unusual” for acting in a way that disregards everyone who views her. she has very strange and specific visions in her head, and it seems very natural for her even if jeremy struggles to follow along.

in later performances, she chews on her sleeve and spins around during AGTIKBI. that’s stimming, babes. also gotta acknowledge “i don’t always relate to other people my age, except when i’m on the stage”

i’m gonna use this section to talk about jake and christine. christineis a bit unsure when interacting with jake, until he validates her interest- her acting is what really touches him. but jake, while good-hearted, has trouble being self-centered and thus not fully aware of christine’s own needs and space. so christine is always a little uncomfortable around him, especially in public, and not always willing to socialize. he is right about her being kind of stuck in her comfort zone, though, not doing anything off of her stage. and he is genuinely nice to her, it’s just a matter of their social strategies clashing.

the fact that the squip blocks out michael...i’ve had a lot of times in my life where i was told that socializing with other “weird” people would be counterproductive for my social development and it was part of why i was stuck with so few friends. so i really feel the idea that blocking out the person who helps you feel confident in your atypicality is framed as a good thing so you can act more socially adept, and that doing otherwise would just drag you both down.

hot DAMN does “loser geek whatever” make so much sense for an autistic kid with internalized ableism.

“it’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” makes it pretty clear this isn’t about the school social scene as muc as it is the entire social scene of the world. we may not see it, but it’s just (not) interacting with people in general that jeremy can’t stand.

“michael says that weird is rad but feeling weird just makes me sad” as stated above, makes a Lot More Sense with the idea that michael is both a more confident autistic and really bad at addressing jeremy’s own internalized ableism and desire to make connections outside his small friend group.

everything about jeremy boiling down all his problems to his “instincts” sucking and needing to basically be told what to do really highlights how autistic kids can feel broken because of their inability to fit into the social norm, to the point where we repress every behavior that actually makes us feel comfortable and unique.

not to mention the line about him being seen as a “normal handsome guy” since autistic people tend to be infantilized and never seen as desirable (will roland also implied this line has trans coding which is another discussion altogether but i feel i should acknowledge that here)

all of those terms that jeremy calls himself near the end- namely weirdo, misfit, oddball, freak, failure- all of this sounds like the shit people throw at autistic kids. like this goes beyond anxiety alone, this is jeremy being outcasted and oppressed by the general public due to his behavior. especially the “please don’t speak” part, considering how often autistic kids are mocked for misunderstanding when to speak, how to speak, and what to talk about. jeremy needs some freaking love. :(

“michael in the bathroom” is a panic attack, related to severe anxiety, but i do see a lot of aspects that play into autism as well. the little nervous stimmy movements of foot-bouncing and picking at grout, the explosive sensory overload during the “knock knock” section of the bridge, the whole concept of losing the only person you ever managed to connect to without sacrificing who you are, dealing with this massive change to your sense of philosophy and reality where you pinned everything on one person to ground yourself, and thus you’re now completely lost trying to isolate yourself from this big overwhelming social gathering...neurodivergent anthem all around.

jeremy and christine’s couch interactions during halloween give me such autistic positivity. christine basically echolales jeremy’s weird noise and they both have so much fun vocal stimming that they forget there’s another person in the room. it’s such a sweet moment until jeremy ruins it by realizing that asking her out right after a breakup is Not Really Good For Her.

christine’s reaction to the fire demonstrates a clear case of hyperempathy to me. it isn’t discussed as much as a complete lack of empathy, but autistic folks are prone to feeling way too much especially when it comes to others’ pain. christine talking about how she hates that everyone’s hurting and desperately wants to help but doesn’t know how, and how we’ve already seen how much she struggles to connect with others like jake....it’s a very relatable, very specific autistic mood.

going back to the theme of jeremy and empathy, christine’s above hyperempathy kind of breaks this mold, and while jeremy always does feel for the other kids, by this point he feels so strongly- particularly for christine, who he also saw as a perfect confident being until now- that the squip can manipulate him into “fixing” everyone the same way the squip was supposed to “fix” him. and he never considers that christine doesn’t need to be fixed because he just projects his own insecurity that strongly onto everyone else who seems “weird” in the same kind of way- hence why he assumes michael is jealous of him back in MITB. it’s likely a result of the squip’s manipulation but i feel like mind-blindness is a factor, even if jeremy switches between struggling to process others’ emotions and being extremely empathetic.

michael’s special interest saves the day!!! :D

the whole fight b/w jeremy and michael, assuming it comes from a genuine place of repressed bitterness, has a lot of added subtext with them both being autistic. jeremy accusing michael of “giving up” on social interaction, michael envies jeremy for trying bc michael is clearly Not comfortable in most large social settings, jeremy envies michael for his pride, it just hits home for me i guess

rich calling michael “antisocial headphones kid” honestly how is michael not canon autistic

in the off-bway version michael briefly speaks too loud forgetting that jeremy’s head still hurts which is a relatable Forgot About Boundaries thing. plus him smacking rich playfully forgetting that rich is Still In Pain

“voices in my head” works nice as a fuck-societal-norms-and-just-be-happy song. “embrace the traits that make you so odd” in particular :’)

jeremy remembering christine’s infodump about her obscure bowling alley performance art idea and bringing it up to her again!!!

the squip doesn’t go away because ableism and the anxiety it brings and all the upsetting symptoms of autism don’t go away, but with the right support and confidence you can live with them!!! good message for mental disorders in general and works very well in this context!!!

so in conclusion.....be more chill is autistic pride!!!

#be more chill #bmc #actuallyautistic #autistic headcanons #long post #be more neurodivergent #queue are so busted

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hookedontaronfics · 5 years

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First Contact series - Part 10

Title: First Contact - Part 10 Read the previous installments here: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 Rating: M Pairing: Taron x OC Warnings: Mild smut and mentions of violence [trigger warning] A/N: The aftermath of Kevin’s attack takes Jess to some dark places. Will Taron’s eternal devotion to her be able see her through? This was a tough chapter to write and read; it’s not happy but I tried to keep it realistic. So stick with me through the angst, better times are ahead, I promise! x

A white tile ceiling. Stark white walls.

That was the first thing I saw when my eyes fluttered open. I had no concept of time; how long I had been out, or even where I was at the moment. I waited for the pain to hit my consciousness, but it never came. In its place was just an absence, a hollowness of feeling.

I could hear the steady sound of an IV machine in the background, and also a gentle rhythmic snoring. I spied Taron crashed out on the couch by the window, and even if I couldn’t see the sky, I could tell it was dark outside, the lights in my room dim.

Taron must have only been lightly dozing, because he stirred awake as soon as I tried to readjust myself on the bed, and moved over to the chair at my bedside. He took my hand in his and asked softly how I was feeling, the relief to see me awake evident across his features.

“Not much of anything at the moment, to be honest,” I said, trying to read the labels on my IV bags but my vision started swimming again and I had to look away. “I probably have a lot of painkillers right now,” I shrugged. Taron gave me a sympathetic look. “How long have I been out? Did they tell you what happened to me?” I asked, needing information more than anything. I felt like if I had answers, than maybe I could begin to accept what had happened.

“I think maybe the doctor should explain all that, he could do it far better than me,” he said quietly, squeezing my hand.

“T, I need to know what happened to me, please,” I pleaded with him, hating the pained expression that crossed his face and furrowed his brow.

“They had to take you into surgery when you got here,” he said heavily. “They had to rebuild your face, your eye socket and cheekbone were shattered…” he said, choking up and struggling to get the words out as I reached up to touch the heavy gauze taped over the left side of my face. I winced, though I couldn’t really feel any pain from it.

“Adding more scars to the collection, I guess,” I whispered softly.

Taron continued talking in a low, shaking voice, stroking the back of my hand with his thumb, his eyes trained on the bed. “The doctors told me you’ll probably be in here for a while to recover. They want to keep an eye on how everything is healing. You also sustained a couple of fractured ribs, and probably have a moderate concussion, and they don’t want to send you home too soon in case that worsens before it gets better. But you will get better, you have to,” he said, his eyes swimming a bit with tears.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay, Taron. I will get better, you’ll see. I’m determined,” I said, squeezing his hand before a wave of dizziness washed through me, even though I hadn’t even moved. My vision was still going in and out of focus and I closed my eyes for a moment to try and keep from needing to get sick.

“What about Kevin? Did you talk to the police? Were they here? Do they know? Does anyone know?” I asked, peppering Taron with questions he couldn’t possibly answer. “Will he be able to hurt me again?”

“Babe, I don’t know anything right now. But you’re safe here, and I’m not going anywhere. And the woman who helped you, who called me, she took pictures at the scene. They’re on your phone,” he said, his voice cracking again and he had to pause to keep his composure. “She thought they would be important as evidence to whatever charges get pressed. Because we don’t fuck around here in the UK when it comes to assault. But I also don’t know what’s going to happen because he’s a U.S. citizen. He may be extradited and face charges there instead. I just don’t know yet, but he’s in custody and will remain that way until he’s booked or sent away.”

“I used to think that moving here to London would protect me. It didn’t,” I said painfully.

“He can’t hurt you any more, I promise.” Something about the way he said that made me absolutely lose it.

“I’m not sure anyone can promise me that, Taron,” I fairly sobbed. Whether he could understand my words, I’m not sure because I was crying so hard they weren’t coherent. Watching me cry uncontrollably must have torn him apart though, because at one point he clambered into my bed, careful of the IV and all the other tubes and lines trailing from me, and pulled me into his arms, not even caring that I was probably leaving trails of tears and snot and slobber all over his shirt. I know I was shaking, afraid and traumatized by everything. Taron stroked my hair sweetly, careful with me even as he held me tightly to him, wanting his presence to be calming and comforting.

I don’t remember calming down, and I don’t remember slipping off to sleep, but I must have because I woke up later when a nurse was trying to quietly take my vitals, my face still pressed into Taron’s chest. He was out cold, lashes resting against his cheeks, his arms still sweetly around me. I knew I should have felt something, protected, safe, in love, but all I could feel was afraid. Not of Taron, necessarily, but that somehow the happiness I had found in him couldn’t last. Maybe, somehow, I wasn’t meant to deserve what he had tried to offer me.

I hated how dark these thoughts were but couldn’t keep them from pressing me flat. What if Taron had been with me when Kevin confronted me? What if he’d been hurt, because of me? That would have made things far worse. I wouldn’t have been able to handle that kind of guilt. I saw my phone sitting on the table beside me, so I carefully reached over and managed to grab it. I shouldn’t have looked, but my curiosity got the better of me as I scrolled through the pictures of myself laying on the ground, cringing at my broken face. Suddenly I was worried the doctors wouldn’t have been able to put it all back together again; would Taron still love me if I never looked the same again, if these scars made me ugly? That thought made me cry all over again, though I tried desperately hard to choke back the sobs and stay silent, not wanting to wake Taron.

The next couple of weeks in the hospital passed much the same way, and Taron really didn’t leave my side except to go home to shower and grab clean clothes. He kept Jules and Mary and even my family back in America updated, and my roommates visited me as often as they could, managing to make me laugh despite my dark moods. Taron also helped me navigate the paperwork for medical leave with work, which felt endless and confusing partly because my concussion didn’t allow me to make sense of it all, but even my boss visited and made sure I knew I had nothing to worry about, to take the time I needed to recover and that my position would be secure.

Talking to the police and trying to recall details of that day was a difficult process. I remembered most of what had happened just before the assault, but I had very little recollection of the after. And I couldn’t get over why I had trusted Kevin enough to step into that alley with him. Maybe I’d been stupidly hopeful he really had changed, though I still couldn’t figure out how he had found me, and he wasn’t talking to police about that fact either. The couple who had helped me, Darren and Lucy, visited me too, and they were the kindest people, and were incredibly helpful to police as well. Kevin was going to be sent back to the U.S. and his passport revoked, and he’d be banned from ever leaving the country again, so as long as I never went back to America there’d be no way he could get to me again. But I still didn’t feel safe and had no idea how to ever get back to that place where I would.

The bandages came off and I was surprised that it really didn’t look so bad. There were only two incisions and the plastic surgeon had used glue and tape, not actual stitches, to minimize scarring as much as possible. My skin was still red and angry but otherwise I couldn’t see much difference in how my face looked at all. They’d done a good job rebuilding the structure although now my eye socket was more metal than bone.

They kept me on strong pain meds and I had random blindingly awful headaches that made me cry because it was all I could do. My vision stayed slightly fuzzy and I half-worried this would be permanent, but the doctor emphasized that I just needed more time to heal, that the effects of my concussion could take months to fade. The depression that set in, though, that was probably the hardest thing to deal with. I went through a couple of brain scans and a psychological evaluation and was told I had post-traumatic stress disorder but somehow that still didn’t set in my mind that my hopeless feelings weren’t all my fault.

Taron truly was a saint through all of this, remaining strong and stable and supportive, and doing his best to keep me entertained when I wasn’t sleeping, which I admittedly did a lot of. And when it was finally time to be released from the hospital, Taron was adamant that he wanted me to come home with him, and I didn’t have enough strength of mind to argue.

So three weeks later, I was snuggled in amongst the sheets of Taron’s bed, spending most of my time there because I just didn’t have the energy to do anything else. I was sad and worried and afraid most of the time, hovering just above completely bottomed out. I think Taron probably kept me afloat in the worst of it, making sure I ate and showered and took my medicine. Not every day was bad, to be fair. Some days I helped him cook in the kitchen, and the depression couldn’t take away how much I loved to hear him laugh, or we took a walk around his neighborhood, hand-in-hand, and I could pretend I wasn’t this way, or we just stayed in and watched Netflix all day on the couch, being lazy together. But other days the darkness crept in around the edges, and I questioned in my mind why he stayed with me.

I was unfortunately wallowing in the middle of one of these pits when Taron breezed into the room. “I figured it out, babe,” he said, settling on the bed and placing his hand on my knee.

“Figured out what?” I asked, trying to wake up from the stupor I had been in, staring at the ceiling and not even sure what I was thinking.

“I got to thinking how you said you deleted all of your old social media accounts after what happened with Kevin. And all of your new accounts are totally private. But that got me thinking and I realized that I’m to blame for him finding you.”

“What? You’re not making any bloody sense, T,” I said, rubbing my temple and trying to make an oncoming headache go away.

“My Instagram. It’s completely public and the photos we posted while on vacation together… You know, everyone shares those photos on Twitter and Tumblr and Facebook and wherever else and he must have somehow come across it at some point and recognized you and put 2 and 2 together. You dating a London bloke, he must have figured it out and come here just hoping to run into you. It’s really my fault, I should have thought that through.” His green eyes had darkened as he looked troubled over having somehow endangered me.

“Hey. It’s not your fault I have a crazy ass ex. I don’t regret you posting those photos,” I said softly. “It’s also not your fault that the American law system doesn’t better protect its victims of domestic violence. You’re not in control of that. Don’t carry that burden for me, okay?” I said, smiling slightly at him.

“I’d carry anything for you, love,” he said, leaning over and kissing me gently on the forehead.

“I know you would, T. I know,” I said, trailing off and pulling the blankets up around myself again, worn out by our conversation already. I just don’t know why, I thought.

“I love you, and I’ll see you through all of this, yeah?” he added softly, earnestly.

I nodded, because I wasn’t sure what else to do. Trying to cross over this chasm of darkness, fear and pain had gotten even more difficult to do. I was on one side, and Taron and all of his patience and kindness and love were on the other, and try as he might to reach across it to me, I didn’t have the courage to jump.

“I’ll get us dinner started, you just rest now,” he spoke, leaving me to my apparent misery. He doesn’t deserve this, whatever it is I am now, I thought angrily as I watched him leave the room, seeming a bit deflated at my lack of an actual answer.

I wish I could say the following weeks got better, but somehow they got worse. The first panic attack I had was when Taron and I were downtown, having braved being out in public. We had passed by an alley and somehow that set me off. It took me by surprise and I only was aware it had happened once I had come back out of it. I was on my hands and knees on the concrete, breathless and crying, and Taron was crouched down next to me trying to talk me down. Other people surrounded us, so it must have been embarrassingly obvious that I was losing my shit, and someone had even called an ambulance but the medics weren’t needed by the time they arrived.

More brain scans ensued and I was given more medicines to try and signed up for more counseling to help, but the panic attacks continued because my ptsd was becoming more entrenched in my brain. I was starting to see the image of Kevin everywhere I went, lurking about and waiting to catch me by surprise. Things became so concerning that Taron canceled a weekend event he was supposed to fly out to. He was extremely vague about what it was, just saying that me and my health were more important and he didn’t feel he could leave me by myself for that long. He hadn’t said that to make me feel guilty, of course, but I wished he had consulted me about it first. Especially after I logged into Twitter and saw angry tweet after sad tweet after shitty tweet about Taron canceling his comic con appearance and disappointing a boatload of fans. Because of me. This was not what I had wanted at all.

“Taron,” I said, walking out to the living room to find him crashed out on the couch with a beer and some movie or show on the telly, I couldn’t tell what.

“Mmm, yeah?” he asked, muting the telly before sitting up and looking at me over the edge of the couch.

“You shouldn’t have canceled your con appearance,” I said, as it dawned on him that I knew what he’d done. “All those fans are going to be pissed off and disappointed because of me.”

“I did my best to apologize profusely to the fans for that but you’re my priority right now. It wouldn’t be any different if it was my family having a medical issue.”

“I could have gone back to my flat. Jules and Mary would have looked after me, and frankly I could have handled a few days, I think,” I said in a huff, mostly upset that I’d become dependent on him.

“But you need me to help you. There’s no shame in that.”

“I don’t need you,” I bit back. I wished I could have taken those words back the instant they came out of my mouth. The look of hurt that crossed his face, after all he’d done for me already, was awful to witness. But I hadn’t meant it like that; I was frustrated at having to be doted on, and wanted to go back to the sort of independence and freedom I had had before Kevin had walked back into my life and erased years of work I’d done to overcome him.

“Do you really feel that way?” he asked softly, standing up and walking over to me, brushing my hair away from my face.

“I don’t understand anything right now. I’m confused, and depressed, and I’m struggling to understand why this happened to me again, T,” I admitted. “But I also don’t love the idea that your life has been affected by me.”

“My life is affected because I choose to be here for you, in whatever capacity you need me to be. That’s not a burden, Jess. You enrich my life by being in it, and who would I be if I fucked off when you went through something difficult and needed the support? This isn’t about you not being able to do things for yourself. I know you’re fully capable. But I also don’t think you should be alone right now either. And that’s my right to think that, and to ensure that you’re not. Because the last thing on earth I could handle right now is you feeling alone or abandoned. And as to why this happened, I can’t answer that. I wish I could, but it was so wrong, and bad things happen to people who don’t deserve them. And it breaks my heart that you had to go through this, but I also know how strong you are, and every day you prove that more and more. To even be in the orbit around you, it changes things for me.”

The intensity of Taron’s gaze as he spoke his raw, real feelings to me, about me, for me, I felt like I might combust under it. Just burn up on the spot.

“I don’t understand your devotion to me, Taron. I don’t deserve your goodness. I don’t know that I ever have.”

“Just please, don’t do that. I love you and I’m so tired of you trying to find every reason why I shouldn’t. Stop shutting me out, Jess. I can’t profess to know truly what you’re going through right now, but I can’t understand it at all if you don’t talk to me. I want your honesty, and your vulnerability, and your pain, all of it. I just want every beautiful inch of you.”

His words sent shivers over my skin, something I hadn’t been able to feel since the assault. I looked up at him, tried to really see him for more than just the handsome, patient and kind man he was. I tried to see the way he saw me, but it was so hard to do. Kevin had made me feel broken and discarded all over again.

“But what’s so beautiful about me, Taron?” I asked doubtfully.

“Come here,” he said, pulling me over to the couch and down into the seat cushions with him. “And let me show you,” he added, running his fingers gently over my arms.

“Taron,” I whined softly at that, as he gave me one of his small smiles. “Let’s start here,” he said, placing sweet kisses over my eyelids and making me giggle slightly.

“You have the most soulful eyes of anyone I’ve ever met. I can see the world in them because you care so deeply about everything around you.” Next he kissed the tip of my nose, telling me how adorable he thought it was. His kisses traveled to my cheeks, my forehead, my jaw, even my ears, as Taron described how much he loved each one.

Finally he captured my lips in a sweet kiss, something we had barely done since the assault. “And I love kissing your lips. I could do this all day,” he grinned, and even if mentally I was still messed up, my body remembered what it was like to be with him, and craved more of him, and I tried to give myself over to that feeling, leaning in and kissing him back as he leaned me back on the couch, tugging my shirt up and off in the process.

“I love your neck, when I kiss you in that spot that makes you moan,” he smirked, his kisses traveling along my smooth skin and yes, making me moan softly in response. He added my collar bones, my chest and my stomach to the list as he traveled lower and my breath caught in my throat at the feel of his gentle lips sliding over my skin. “Feeling beautiful yet?” he whispered, his hot breath raising goosebumps along my skin. “Or shall I keep going, love?” he smirked, unbuttoning my jeans and slowly sliding them down my legs.

“K-keep going,” I said with a shaky breath, unable to tear my gaze away from him, the way he hovered over me.

“Hmmm, my pleasure,” he hummed, dropping kisses on my thighs. “I love how strong they are, for carrying you through everything. And I especially love being between them,” he whispered with a wicked grin, my head dropping back as he wasted no time in peeling my underwear off and settling himself between my legs.

It’d been a long time since someone had dared to go down on me; Kevin certainly never had. I couldn’t tell you whether Taron was great at it or not, as I didn’t have enough experience to compare either way. But I was 100 percent lost to what he was doing to me there, his tongue and fingers exploring every inch of my folds and drawing out every bit of pleasure I could feel. My fingers gripped his hair, my moans guiding him to what felt good.

When I was close, oh so close, Taron stopped and smiled up at me through his lashes; I groaned at him in frustration for being left hanging, but he only crawled back up my body and kissed me, the taste of my own juices still on his mouth. He wrapped my legs around himself, and I got the hint as he picked me up and carried me back to the bedroom, setting me down on the bed gently before practically tearing his own clothes off, grabbing a condom, crawling over me and joining our bodies all in the same motion.

We both groaned our mutual feelings out loud, the delicious feeling as he thrust in and out of me driving me crazy. I was quite lost to how full and whole I felt in the moment as he peppered my face with kisses. Soon enough we were crashing hard together, Taron collapsing next to me, his face tucked in against my neck and arm thrown over my chest as we attempted to come back down to earth.

“I love you so much, babe,” he whispered. “You’re the absolute world to me,” he said, brushing my hair out of my face tenderly.

“I love you too,” I said back, feeling compelled to get the words out in that moment.

“Yeah?” Taron grinned happily, his dimples popping out as his eyes sparkled at me. I couldn’t deny him this happiness, I couldn’t.

So I repeated the words, even as they felt hollow in my chest. I should have felt something, shouldn’t I?

“You make me so ridiculously happy,” he said sweetly, even as he snuggled into me further, hugging my sweaty, spent body to his for a few moments. I knew what he felt was completely genuine and real. I just didn’t know what was wrong with me that I couldn’t return the same.

Eventually he got up to dispose of the condom and secure the house for the night, while I stayed crashed out in the bed. Once he’d returned and we bedded down to sleep, I laid awake for far too long vacillating between how I should feel and why I wasn’t feeling anything at all. The numbness had settled deep in my soul and I hated myself for it, as I watched Taron sleep soundly, the cutest smile on his face. His love didn’t belong to me, and I knew it.

I don’t remember exactly how long it took to slip off to sleep, but Taron was not in bed when I woke up the next morning. I rolled over and squinted at my phone, and realized it was well after 11 a.m. and Taron would be at an early-morning meeting he’d told me about. I sat up and rubbed at my eyes, looking around me for a long moment and sighing. I got up and showered quickly, grazed on some leftovers I heated up, and then set about packing my clothes. I had spent much of the past month of recovery slumming around in Taron’s pajama pants and sweatshirts, though Mary and Jules had brought some things over for me, clean unders and bras and the like.

I was lost in thought when I heard the front door open. “Darling?! You awake?” Taron called, and I couldn’t move while his footsteps moved about the house. He found me in the bedroom, of course, finally in my own jeans and a blouse, the bed neatly made and my bag resting at the edge of it.

“What’s this?” he asked, his expression immediately clouding over.

“I’m going back to the flat, T. This wasn’t supposed to be a permanent move, anyway. And I don’t want you as my nursemaid, I need you as my boyfriend,” I said quietly, trying to explain and hoping he just understood. “I’m really grateful for what you’ve done for me, but I just need to get back to my routine. I’m trying to process what happened with Kevin still, and I know that I still have this depression hanging over me, and the panic attacks are still happening, but I feel like I can deal with that if I just go back to work and get a sense of normalcy back.”

“I… guess that makes sense, of course,” he replied hesitantly, blinking a few times and trying to process what I was saying. “I think you could be happy here, though, too, with me,” he said sweetly, making my chest ache slightly.

“I just can’t do this right now, with you,” I said softly. “When I said I loved you last night, I couldn’t feel it at first. But it wasn’t because I lied. I do love you, far too much to hold you back with the person I am right now. I need to go back to my normal life and deal with all of this so that I can be worthy of being the person you love.”

“I… Jess,” he said, his voice cracking at that. “You already are the person I love, as you are now,” he replied a bit desperately.

“And you may think that, but I don’t feel it, and that’s never going to go away if I don’t address it now,” I said, watching his face just crumble. It wasn’t easy to fend off my own tears then.

“I wish I could change your mind. I’ve gotten rather used to having you here all the time,” he said, biting his thumb in thought.

“I have to go, T. If we want this to work in the future, I need to be okay with myself first.” I gave him a quick hug, that he oddly didn’t return, before grabbing my bag and walking toward the door. I almost thought he wasn’t going to try and say good-bye but he came running after me, skidding on the tile in his sock feet slightly.

“Wait! Wait, Jess,” he said, taking my free hand in his. “I’ve been waiting to give this to you but I think now’s the right time,” he said, proffering a small black box and making my heart flutter several times. Nestled inside the box was a simple rose-gold band, with a tiny diamond in the middle; it was simple, elegant and clean. “It’s a promise and a hope… My promise to you that I’ll wait for you no matter how long it takes, and my hope that no matter how far you wander, you’ll always find your way back to me. You don’t even have to wear it, I just wanted you to know where I stood,” he said, shoving the box in my hands. The fractured look in his eyes tore at the edges of my soul, but I also knew I was doing the right thing, for him and for me.

“Thank you, Taron,” I said, because there wasn’t anything else to say. “We’ll keep in touch. We’ll go on dates. I’m not giving up on us,” I promised back.

“No, but you’re pushing me away, and I don’t understand why,” he said in a bit of a pained voice.

“I have work to do on me, for me. No one has to understand that.” Taron could only nod at that point, kissing me on the forehead gently before letting me go. I carefully placed the ring in my bag and made sure it was secure before hoisting the bag onto my shoulder and grabbing my purse.

“I can drive you back over to the flat, if you want,” he offered idly.

“I’ve got this, Taron. I know how to take the tube,” I couldn’t help but giggle slightly. His worry over me was sweet, but I needed to be able to rely on myself too. I felt this wild, desperate need to prove to myself that I could.

“I’ll see you later, I suppose,” I said, giving Taron a small smile that he couldn’t bring himself to return. Things could be different, would be better for the both of us, and I could only hope his faith in me wouldn’t be fleeting. I felt both crushed and liberated as I left, confused by both emotions as I peered over my shoulder to see Taron standing in his doorway, watching sadly after me.

Will Jess be able to repair the damage to her soul, and her relationship? Find out in Part 11 HERE!

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