#ive just felt consistently sad lately idk

[yandereshingeki]

I am very sorry for being much less active all around recently i think im entering a depressive episode 🫠 give me some time i gotta reboot

[frosnpls]

cw vent,, doin bad tonite lads

idk if i have PMDD or if it's the SAD or if it's the work stress or if it's the state of this country and the fact that I'm slowly losing hope of both living independently/being able to afford such as well as ever being able to ever begin to transition properly or just whatever the fuck but man im not having a good time

i keep thinking lately about how ive never been able to catch a break and like sometimes i feel like im blowing it out of proportion and that its not fair because i do actually lead a fairly privileged life but also like. i was literally bullied at the age of THREE by my nursery teacher because she mistook the clear signs of my neurodivergence as misbehaviour. i struggled through school because nobody noticed i was neurodivergent and the people who did didnt want to admit it. i developed body dysmorphia by the age of like 8 iirc. i was bullied throughout all of my childhood and struggled so badly because i didnt have any support in place because somehow nobody noticed the very clear signs of adhd and autism. i lost my teenage years to severe bullying which caused permanent trauma and then lost the four years of my life after finishing school to essentially becoming a carer for an abusive suicidal boyfriend and then spent months after his death blaming myself for "not doing enough" when i had literally become a recluse because i was afraid that if i went out he might need me and i wouldnt be available. this year was the first year i think ive ever actually felt Right because i felt like i had myself figured out and i was doing what i wanted and i felt free and i just. i think theres an element of grieving for probably like a good sixteen or so years of my life where i was consistently traumatised by something and had no chance to find myself as a person

i feel consistently selfish for it but i just want someone to see how much im struggling and acknowledge it yknow like. offer some help or take care of me for a bit. i dont understand why but im in this role of a protector and caretaker for others and whilst i want to look after people and i care so so deeply about the people i do look after id also like to be looked after occasionally, you know? like. the day my cat died my partner was there and i got out of bed and my mum gave me the news and i went downstairs and i held her and i went back to my room and got in bed and started crying and. my partner put their arm around me and said he was sorry and i just curled up into them and cried and i genuinely think its the most ive ever felt cared for in at least my working memory

when i was younger sometimes my dad would try to comfort me when i cried and when i tried to explain why i was crying he would say "oh, [deadname]" in this really sympathetic tone and i remember always hoping he would do it when i cried because it made me feel like someone was actually acknowledging how much i was hurting and there came a point where he stopped saying it and idr if it was just because i was getting older and it sounded condescending or if it was at the point where i started hiding from my parents when i was upset because i didnt want them to worry but there was a period of time where i would actually miss that exclamation every time i cried even though i wasnt coming to my dad for comfort

i want to ask for help and seek help and comfort and be vulnerable enough to let people know i need it but also theres people who rely on me and i worry that if i dont seem positive or up to it they might think they cant come to me and i want them to be able to come to me i really do. then also i feel like if i bring my hurt to others all im going to do is upset or inconvenience them and i dont want to do that

im just trapped because i dont want anyone to worry about me but also i kind of do and it makes me feel so selfish like why would anyone ever want people to worry about them but its just in that way that like. iwould maybe just like to be asked if im alright before ive expressed that im not. i would like someone to notice that im quieter than usual or that i dont seem as enthusiastic or upbeat as i do most of the time and ask how im feeling. even that makes me feel selfish though and i hate it because i know realistically that isnt selfish but equally any normal person would just seek out the comfort they need right?? but i cant because if i initiate it then it means im annoying someone or upsetting someone or taking up someone's valuable time

i dont understand how i can be both looking after others, taking time to check on them and make sure theyre alright, give advice and welcome people in if they need me, and then also at the same time feel like the world biggest dickhead if i even dare to think about asking for the same from someone. or refusing to take my own advice. i need a mental health break from work desperately and my partner keeps telling me this as well but i keep refusing because we had 4 staff members off sick this week and if i went off as well it would make things hard for them. i just cant,, prioritise myself

im tired of england and im tired of the world and im tired of having to figure out how im going to manage to exist in the way i want to one day and im tired of feeling selfish for desiring human contact and im tired of waking up before the sun's up and im tired of feeling sad and not understanding why and im just. im just tired

[myfirstandlast]

i wanna add on lmfao

it’s 2am for me and i just got home from a date so i think it’s late enough at night for it to be fair game for me to rant about my ex

[formetocomplain]

my dad just came into my room and asked what was wrong. i guess i was probably sullen or something earlier. anyway, i said i didn’t know. he’s rarely any help when i talk to him about how im feeling.

when i talk to him about how much i hate my appearance, he gets really annoyed with me and says im making myself miserable and i need to stop focusing on that stuff. i agree with that, but i can’t very well just stop myself from thinking about it and comparing myself and hating myself. maybe if i locked myself in a room without mirrors or technology and got food and drink through a non-reflective meal slot. but thats not really ideal.

and when i talk to him about how much i hate myself as a person, i guess he says the things people should say, i don’t know. he says im a good person and that good people make mistakes sometimes and then they work to be better. cool, i guess. i just don’t believe him. he can say im a good person all he wants. he’s my dad, and he’s a good dad, of course he’s gonna think that. but it’s not like there’s much room to be a bad person at home with a mom who controls your every move, a dad you get along with, and no siblings. within reason, i mean. like if i were a murderer that would be plenty of room to be a bad person but im talking more casual bad person activities. idk. i just think he doesn’t see enough of me to know how awful i am. the people ive directly wronged see it, though. im sure they hate me. and they should. i don’t know, it just doesn’t help me to talk to my dad about my person.

and the worst is when i talk to him about being sad. he gets frustrated. he says all i need to do is meditate, exercise, and get a consistent sleep schedule. i bet those things would help a lot. but i just can’t get myself to do them. every day i tell myself i will, but it just doesn’t happen. ive been doing better with sleep lately though, because of school. but even more lately ive just been sleeping in and skipping some classes. or waking up on time and then lying in bed without ever going to turn on my class. anyway, he gets frustrated whenever im sad because im not doing those things so im not allowed to complain. he also says that i am lucky, and that it could be a lot worse. which also doesn’t help at all. obviously i know i have it good and that it could be worse. i know that. and im still sad anyway. im just a piece of shit, alright? i get it. im a weak piece of shit, you don’t have to remind me. i dunno. it just doesn’t help. and i don’t blame him for not being helpful. i mean sometimes i get sad when he gets frustrated with me for being sad but, as far as him not having anything helpful to say... i dunno. sometimes i try to think of what a person could say to be helpful, and i can’t really think of anything. there’s not really anything. im just sad. the last time i talked to him about how sad i was, i mentioned how i kinda wanna die. ive said that to him before. most of the time i think he doesn’t take it seriously, which i guess is fair, since i don’t think i would actually do it. that doesn’t mean i don’t want to. im too chickenshit to, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t seem kinda nice to be dead. anyway, he’s usually just like “don’t say stuff like that” “im tired of hearing you say things like that” or something else like that and then he leaves. last time though, he said he might have to put me in a mental hospital if i keep saying stuff like that. i haven’t gone to him about being sad since.

that was probably one of the only times i felt he was taking me seriously. but then he went right back to, as i said in one of my previous complaints, calling it “struggling to look on the bright side sometimes”.

i don’t know. i just feel like im suffering, and he doesn’t believe me.

[riskeith]

you just responded and i nyoomed to answer. yes my days consist of waiting for you. yes i’m not ashamed to admit it. <3

that makes so much sense actually? like A Lot of sense. i don’t think you should feel bad about that at all i mean if you are comfortable with how you perceive them then by all means! haha! what’s fun about fanfics is that people can take one character and shape them in so many different ways. canon doesn’t anyways give us depth to characters yet writers do which 🙏🏽 godsent. but then again, it can feel weird if someone makes them behave like ~someone~ else haha. i remember it used to be a hot topic in voltron actually, where people would portray lance as a weak and emotional guy only even if he’s arguably the bravest and most bamf... people didn’t like that very much. do you know what i’m talking about?

I’M SO EXCITED TO READ ALL OF THESE. thank you so much you just set my late night weekend plans 😏. and oh god esselle is the ao3 writer. i love their bnha fics so much. can’t wait to read their haikyuu stuff as well. kagehina too... 🥺 dude, i saw some oikage things last night and i have my eyes open.. 👁 i know you like them a lot so hm... i’ll definitely read that as well i love the summary already.

he’s puppy-like so would he like to play in the water? i want to say so, just bc i think it would be cute for him to splash around 🥺

just one?? wow now i get what you meant in your earlier messages, shskdhsk. all my current friends i’ve known since we were children, i don’t even know how to make new friends irl tbh.... AND SAME!!!! CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TO LOVERS GO BRR. and god the best thing is how things change but at the same time they don’t? like they start to notice little things and realize they’ve always liked them? or the ‘i thought best friends felt like this towards each other’.... aaaaaaaah. 🥺 but then again enemies to lovers.. the tension and the yearning? the moment everything just snaps? god i couldn’t pick my favorite i don’t think. i just love those two so much equally hahah.

if it’s cyberpunk vibes i will combust. i love those aesthetics so much.. (waiting for ps5 to restock so i can run around in night city in cyberpunk 2077 forever.) but yeah it makes sense for it to be themed like that but it’s so funny to think about transporting from the whispering woods to like... large billboards and grungy streets. AR 35?? oh that’s must earlier than i expected. so i take it the main story isn’t done yet?

how sexy, even though this blog is just our messenger app at this point snskdhkddhj.. once again, i’m sorry riskeith stans.. 🙏🏽

i wish i could get you all the cotton candy in the world. and wow kenma HAIR!! sounds so cute but wait oh my god,,, do you have short hair,....... 😳💗💓💕👁💘💝💓😭💗👀💖💓💘💝💞 do you? 😳💢 how was it shaving everything? must’ve been such a big decision!! 😳

ikr? like most of the fics i’ve read portrays them as a angst ship which i do love a lot but you’re right it’s funny bc in canon they’re just.. supportive idiots. i think it’s the oikawa fangirls thing and iwa being annoyed by it that people get hooked on. at least i think since it’s almost always there in the fics... :+ DO YOU LIKE IT? i’m so obsessed with it i saw a edit on ig with klance and that song earlier and it fits them so well too... 🥺 anyway back to iwaoi, i think i like writing from iwa’s pov actually? i haven’t tried writing much from oikawa’s yet but idk.,, iwa’s personality just speaks to me. also i like that oikawa’s personality is so complex to understand, it’s easier to spice up the angst that way. (I DON’T 🥺 it’s such a sad topic for me bc it’s my ultimate dream to drive but it costs soo much money to get it here and i’ve been too busy to invest... 😭 wbu?????) I KNOW MEMO AND OH MY GODNESS? i’m sure the fic is sooo good oh god.... the vibes. 😭 please tell me what it’s about. please. 🙇🏽‍♀️

OH it means that i’m just gonna reread your fics until you post something new... here i thought i was being clever and cute shshskdhdks

STOP YOU KEEP MAKING ME SO EXCITED aaaa ma’am please... think about my heart. 🥺

here’s a new topic to discuss; are you a coffee or tea person? (or neither.. please don’t say so)

kiss, m.a. 💘

i keep forgetting to check whether you’ve responded or not before shutting down my laptop and i’m left to answer on my phone 😭😭 and i too spend my days awaiting your responses <333 but i always forget to check after a period of time HFJSKFKSKCKNC i swear i’m checking like once every 5 min but the moment i forget you respond NCKSNDN

bro (do you mind being called stuff like that lol) writers give us everything canon is too cowardly to give.… truly blessed 🙏🙏 yeah i do!! there are a lot of complaints about mischaracterisation in hq fandom too actually… which i think is fair enough but at the end of the day just let these people have their fun you know.. it’s not harming anyone and if you don’t like it just don’t read! lol

i haven’t read much of esselle’s bnha actually (aside from tdbk) but i just know they’re absolutely amazing!!!!!! absolute legend i hope (i know you will tho hehe) you enjoy her kagehina toooo. and yes oikage!!!!!! omg pls 😭😭😭 i wish they were more popular aaaa

🥺🥺🥺 razor in one of those baby pools.. RAZOR WITH POOL FLOATIES!!! my goodness 😭😭😭😭

fjksnxksndm yeah but i think i might be an outlier in that… LOL oops. and you’re so right like they just grew up together and like grew in love it’s so natural and just comes to them like they were always supposed to be together and they are <333 bc soulmates <33333 BUT YEAHHH THE MOMENT EVERYTHING SNAPS YOU KNOW IT!!!!! god when person A SAVES person B even tho they’ve “hated” them the entire time...… but when they were faced with a tough circumstance they realised they couldn’t bear the thought of being without them 😩😩👌👌👌👌👌👌

omg ps5.… ngl i considered buying a ps console so i could play the last of us 2 chxjjskskxjxjs. have you seen all the cyberpunk memes tho? lolol. nah main story isn’t done!! i think the main story is supposed to develop all 7 worlds until we find our sibling so like.… it ain’t gonna be over for a LONGGGG time (lol omg could you imagine if mih*y* pulled a me and like 4 worlds in was just ‘ok soz i’m uninterested now you can imagine how the game would’ve gone’ HFJSJFKSKFKDJ)

HAHAHAHHA it legitimately is. riskeith who??? more like marriage anon stan account. fjdkfnnd anyways to my other followers hope y’all are enjoying the show 🤪

i do have short hair rn!!! lowkey a bowl cut but i’m also trynna grow out a mullet djksndksnd. and having a shaved head was so nice.. i literally just couldn’t stop touching it after cjskckksnfks. and it wasn’t that big of a decision to me tbh i’m not that fussed about my hair like i know some other people are djskkd the biggest obstacle was getting my parents to agree 💀💀💀 (much like i am trying now..…) i used to have my hair long for ballet, but once i quit i just kept getting it cut shorter and shorter and then voila! shave. GJDJKSKDND

true.. jealous iwa.. i have that in one of my wips i believe FJSJJCKSKDK (it might even be in the memo fic?) AND UHHHH i didn’t love the song ;–; it’s just… slow HFKALDLAKDK and not the mood i was in when i heard it cjdkslxllskcjskcnkscnkzmxmcm omg no not klance 😭😭 they have a lot of angst too.. (i say, as if there isn’t a single klance fic of mine that doesn’t have angst JFJDJSKDJ) OMG YOU LIKE WRITING IWA POV TOO???? you 🤝 me iwa kin. i joke that it’s because i, much like him, am very much in love with oikawa. (aw no i’m so sorry for bringing it up 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 but i’m on my learner’s rn!) IVE POSTED THE OUTLINE ONCE (not a good sign… LMAO) https://kaheyama.tumblr.com/post/190015338287/yall-want-some-iwaoi-angst THERE!! also wait i just realised it has manga spoilers.… maybe don’t look fjdknfjd (you could stop after “pining iwaizumi hajime” but i don’t want to accidentally spoil you 😭😭)

JFKSKSLAKFKSKCJLSKD IM so sorry it WAS clever and cute my brain was just not big enough at the moment to understand 😭😭😭😭😭 but thank u as always i appreciate 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 so honoured you would even think about going back to them lord knows i don’t KFKSJSKA

HEHEHE NO MERCY!!! but ok ok i shall lay low until the day comes 😋😋😋

tea!! simply bc i can’t sleep if i drink coffee fjskfjsj. but that’s been happening with tea too so i haven’t even had tea recently 😭😭😭😭😭 flavour wise i think i like coffee more but also you get so much more variety with tea? hm. HAHA. hbu??

hugssss, c.r. 💝

[sunbaethehuman-blog]

Indecisive - ( Pt. 1)

Yoongi Angst | Taehyung x Reader

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 3 (coming soon)

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader | Taehyung x Reader

Genre: Angst, fluff, BTS x Reader, series

Author’s note: SECOND FANFIC AYYYYY. I’ve been writing this one since….. this summer maybe?? lol idk im lazy af and i still have other stuff to write. RLLY GOOD STUFF TOO. ive been into angst stuff lately bc i love to break my heart over n over again :’))) thats my kink guys!!! getting my heart broken!! haha jk im srry i will sto p anyways. I love yoongi with all my heart,,,, but i also love taehyung with all my heart so i was like WHY NOT AHAHAHA bias vs bias wrecker ok now i’m overdoing this author’s note thing im srry pls enjoy btws i posted this without rlly reviewing it so YEAH LETS GET IIIIIIT

“Ew, what kind of face is that?” a low voice asked, looking at the screen on the phone you were holding up, the front camera facing you and raven haired male that sat next to you as you took a selfie. You had your face scrunched up, eyes rolled up to the point where the only the whites of your eyes were shown, you clicked the camera shutter.

“What’s wrong with silly pictures?” You pouted and turned to your date. As he looked back at you, he scoffed, “you call that silly? That’s more ugly than it is silly.” His tone was serious but you knew his humor consisted of roasts.

You couldn’t help but laugh and playfully hit his shoulder, “Okay, okay. We’ll take a good one.” Your hand still in position, you smiled at the camera showing teeth, while the young man smirked. Click. “There we go.” You cooed. The lights began dimming, indicating the movie was about to begin so you put your phone away.

You were amazed by the fact you were able to ask Yoongi out on a date to the cinema. You weren’t sure how to go about it but you asked your best friend, Taehyung for advice, he seemed weird about it but eventually he said to just go for it. You and Yoongi were good friends to begin with but you felt something else go on between you two (a lot of sexual awkward tension to be exact). For a while, neither of you acknowledged it, knowing it could possibly ruin your friendship, and that’s something the neither of you wanted.

Deciding to see a romantic comedy, Yoongi was first against it, but it was the only thing you could stand watching. Horror wasn’t your cup of tea, so Yoongi let it slide. To your surprise, you heard Yoongi laughing along beside you. Looking at him laughing, you couldn’t help but smile too.

Then, a sudden burst of happiness hit you. It was weird–it would happen from time to time and it’d come at the most random times. The feeling was strong and passionate that just couldn’t be ignored.

“Hey, Yoongi…” you began, but you stopped. Yoongi’s phone was vibrating in his pocket. As the screen lit up, his eyebrows knitted together, “ahh, what can I do..” he flashed his phone at you, “it’s Suran. I’ll be back.” Answering his call in a low whisper, he got up from his seat and walked while crouching, trying not to block people from veiwing the movie and walked outside of the movie theater.

All of your firey passion was gone in an instant. Your heart’s content was quickly replaced with sadness. ‘Why am I being like this..? It’s not like he’s leaving.. Ohmygod. Am I jealous?’ You felt frustrated about your own feelings. ‘No! I can’t be. They’re both my friends.’

Holding a burdensome conversation with yourself, a voice whispered into your ear, “I’m so sorry,” it was Yoongi. Making you snap out of the lonesome quarrel, you turned your head towards him, “Suran is… in need of my help. I have to go. I’ll see you later.”

To your understanding, you nodded, “alright. No worries, I hope everything’s fine..!” and with that, he rushed back out.

Trying to keep your cool, you sunk into your seat, ‘they’re both my friends… then why am I feeling like this?’ you could only ask yourself that same question over and over.

‘Next time, maybe?’ you asked yourself. The autumn night breeze blew your hair, chilling your cheeks and runny nose. The hoodie you wore under your jean jacket kept you warm. After Yoongi left, you had been in a sour mood and decided to leave without finishing the movie. You felt like you needed to take a walk, and that’s what you did. It felt nice to have some time to yourself and sort out these senses.

Getting home, you plopped down onto your bed, spreading your limbs out. Staring at the ceiling, you contiplated whether or not to text Yoongi. And after many debates, you finally decided yes. Pulling out your phone from your purse and clicking the message app, you picked Yoongi’s contact.

YOU: Hey, how is Suran doing? Is everything okay?

After a few minutes, you recieved a reply.

Yoongi-nie: Hey, everything’s fine, I guess. her boyfriend broke up with her so she needed my moral support… how was the movie? sorry i didn’t stick around long enough to see the ending. did they end up together?

YOU: oh no that’s terrible. HE DIDN’T DESERVE HER. HE’S AN ASS. I got her back, tell her that. and the movie was good. :) you lied guess we gotta redo this lil date so you can find out for yourself! haha

The reply from Yoongi took a little longer than you had hoped.

Yoongi-nie: Date? i didn’t know this was a date… i thought we were only hanging out….

What–. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Your heart was pounding hard against your chest.

YOU: Oh, hanging out? lol then do u want to go on a date sometime with me…?

At that point, you felt like your heart was going to beat out of your chest. Turning your screen off, you screamed while throwing your phone to the other side of your bed. The anticipation and anxiety began to build. “WHY DID I DO THAT? JEEZ, FUCK. OHMYGOD. NOOO. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK–” Ding! You received a message.

Quickly crawling to the other side of your bed, you flipped over your phone and rushed to unlock it.

Yoongi-nie: No. Sorry. I don’t like you like that. I always thought I treated you like my annoying little sister, but I don’t want to keep leading you on. I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way.

Your heart sunk. It was the end. Honestly, you didn’t know what you were expecting. Your life isn’t like the romantic comedies. You weren’t going to get the boy. It happens.

YOU: Ahhh. Okay. Sorry, I misunderstood. I probably made you feel uncomfortable. Thanks for telling me the truth, though. I really appreciate it.

Yoongi-nie: Are you okay? I don’t want you to be depressed or anything.

At this point, your heart felt destroyed.

YOU: OMG. Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. I just need some time if that’s okay.

Yoongi-nie: Take all the time you need. Again, I’m sorry.

YOU: Don’t apologize. It’s okay, seriously. Goodnight.

Yoongi-nie: Goodnight.

Recieving that last text, you set your phone on silent and played music. You didn’t think playing your favorite songs could make you feel so sad.

———————————————————————————————————–

The next day felt draining. Although you didn’t have work, your morning wasn’t as enjoyable as it could’ve been. Doing what you usually do on your day off, you jumped into the shower. Since you had no plans of going out, you only changed into comfy sweats and a t-shirt, and tied your hair up into a pony-tail. Next, you cleaned your apartment while listening to music that blasted through your speakers. It was a good distraction until you heard a knock at the door.

Turning down the music, you took a look at yourself in the mirror that hanged in the hallway before the front door and moved away misplaced strands of hair out of your face then opened the door.

It was Taehyung wearing his baggy tan hoodie and ripped blue jeans. He had what seemed like bags filled with food in his hands. “Good morning!” He smiled. You were able to keep it together since the night before and all morning but for some reason, seeing your best friend’s face made you break into tears. “Taaaaaehyuuuuung..!” you sobbed.

The brunette’s smile was wiped off with concern and confusion, “woah, woah what happen?” He closed the door behind him and placed the bags onto the table before wrapping his lengthy arms around you.

His warm embrace made you cry into his chest even harder and hug back. All that was heard were muffled sobs. “There, there.” he said softly, stroking the top of your head. He was patient with you, he always was. And it was rare to see you cry, Taehyung knew you were a strong when it came to your feelings. Stress, frustration or even just sad movies never made you cry.

After a few minutes of ugly sobbing, you stepped back, letting go and looking up at him through your blurry vision. Taehyung looked back into your eyes and only chucked, “well that’s a sight for sore eyes.” cupping your cheeks, he wiped away your tears as you sniffed. “Are you ready to tell me what happen?”

The only response you gave him was a slow nod. Tired of standing at the door, the both of you moved the conversation to your living room, where you told him about your heartbreak.

You sat at one end of the couch in a little ball while Taehyung sat at the other end. “Ahhh… this is so embarrassing…” you sighed, rubbing your eyes and sniffed.

“Why are you embarrassed? These are your feelings. There’s nothing you should be embarrassed about.” Taehyung comforted.

You sighed once again, “ah… why did I have to fall for Yoongi? I should’ve just fallen for you instead. We’re practically married,” leaning your head against the leather cusion of the couch and giggled.

Only a corner of Taehyungs lips lifted, “that’s food for thought.” He leaned over and patted the closest limb he was able to reach, which was your foot, weird but it still felt comforting, “I don’t know what else to say but to move on–things like this happen. I don’t want to sound like a jerk and tell you this but it’s the truth,” he sighed, “and I don’t want you to keep bringing your hopes up for them to be suddenly broken down again.”

Taking a deep breath and rubbing your eyes before combing through your hair with your fingers, you looked at him, “aghhh, you’re right. I have to get over him…. and I’ll start by eating that food you brought–where it at?” you got off the couch and quickly walked to the table in the hallway where Taehyung left the bags.

Opening the bags, it felt as if the food itself was glowing and shinning on your face. Was there a choir of angels singing? Who knows but you could hear them loud and clear. All you could do was mischievously laugh to yourself, “oh, Taehyungie. You know me so well.” The bags were filled with all of your favorite snacks and drinks.

“I thought we could watch some movies and chill all day while eating junk food,” the owner of the low and husky voice popped in, watching you drool from the hallway.

You looked up at the direction it come from and smiled, “Taehyung, you have perfect timing.”

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 2 | “GET ME OUT OF HERE ” - Devon

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which is uploading where i basically talked about dealing with being a winner/the tomb and having an idol/potentially wanting to go to tribal pre-swap/deliberately choosing the puzzle/how much i love jake so that'll come at some point after this but just KNOW that came first. anyway just wanted to talk MORE because i have more thoughts. last round i was really conscious of needing to micro-manage my threat level and i think im putting in work to do that? im very concious that i cant play the same game as montenegro because im coming into it from a very different perspective/position. However, one thing I can do this season is transfer my prejury game, because i think it still works. What I need to do is to some extent take a backseat, where I'm not actively messaging people first, and keeping game talk kinda limited (but acknowledging it when people talk to me). Like I have the safety cushion of my idol, and my connection to jake/jordan, and to some extent dan and lovelis? like im not gonna be a target (touch wood) and hopefully if i am my men tm going to keep an eye out for me.... hopefully? it also means im not gonna be pushy about votes im gonna hear names and run with it (as long as its not jake/jordan, or lovelis tbh i get real good vibes from him). but yeah id really love the beauty tribe to go to tribal this round ive literally never spoken to a single one of them so i'd love one of that tribe that is a complete unknown quantity to go home DJDKLFSF. but yis so im feeling good taking a backseat but im gonna ejector seat myself forwards at some point, just got to figure out when to push the button

Okay so Bodhi left last night and that was really sad. We had nice conversations but i told him that if the rest of the tribe wanted him out i wasn't going to campaign for him. He ended up making his rounds but at the end of the day, no one felt strongly about keeping him. He speaks so well that it took me a night's rest to get my head straight. Also Trace got an alliance together of himself, myself, Scott and Isaac. Bitch i was SHOOK! I am so glad to be likable enough to be brought into someone else's core. So this kind of perfectly positioned myself and Scott between 2 alliances. I believe we're both more loyal to the one we formed before we found out we were going to tribal, but who knows. I did tell Autumn of the news because i figure if we were to lose again. Whichever of Isaac of Trace remains is going to feel on bottom and blow up that Scott and I were two-timing the DADS. Btw that is the dumbest alliance name I have ever been a part of but whatever. The rat pack has also formed and now him and I are in a good spot. I will say that i am nervous that MISS ALYSSA spoke the comparison into existence, but i really hope we don't continue to flop like Luzon did on Cagayan. But hey! If Denise can go to every tribal council in one season and win, maybe i can too. (PS i pissed myself with my score in winterbells but also F*CK WINTERBELLS, thats all, ty) 

Honestly I’m really regretting not participating in this challenge because I feel like our scores are.......not great. I feel like I could have turned out the puzzle and even winterbells. The flag Lovelis made is super cute and i think will fair well bc it’s very clean and neat. It’s not super creative, but it’s definitely well made. I think even if we went to tribal I would be okay though. Liam seems like an easy enough boot for us. No one seems that dazzled by his contributions to the tribe. 

i literally am the biggest clown who ever clowned for continuing to overdo it in challenges, if i'm allowed to make it to merge at this point it will literally be a miracle.

So Bodhi left on a unanimous vote yesterday and I'm glad that it worked out as planned! I definitely felt bad lying to him about it all and stuff, but I think it was the best for the tribe going forward. What does suck however is that we lost AGAIN! And it was actually close this time! I'm actually annoyed that we lost this time because I submitted my challenge at 4PM and the reason why we lost was because the last submission was at 8 :/ like... y'all couldn't get it in any earlier? Plus I'm annoyed because I find myself in the swing position between the DADS and The Rat Pack. Personally I don't trust Trace after finding out he tried to play the Rat Pack off as my idea when it was really his all along. To me, it shows that he'd betray me later on down the line. And the only purpose for "The Rat Pack" is so they feel like they're in the majority. So since we lost, I don't mind voting out Trace. Duncan and I called to confirm that we're on the same page. We also found out that Devon is telling us the same things about loyalty and allegiances and I don't like that. He also told Duncan that he would throw immunities and play idols for him if he needed it, and that Duncan was his number 1 ally. But he said the same exact thing to me. So... that has me a little sketch. But I also think that Autumn/Duncan are a close pair, so I may need to stick close to Devon for the long hall. But if Autumn/Duncan think I'm more with them than Devon, I'll take it. I'm supposed to go on call with the Dads soon. Duncan wants to tell them about the rat alliance so that Isaac doesn't use it as motive to get us out. Which i agree that it'd be a good idea as long as devon/autumn stick with us. Duncan and I both feel like Devon might be thrown off since he always likes to be in control, but not actually being in charge. So we'll need to do damage control when that happens. But for now it seems like Trace is going unless things change. If things go how I would want it to, then Trace leaves tomorrow. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JKqH3EQMlugIe-lwHMYMG2qoVZ7dvIzr/view?usp=sharing

Omg!!!!! Another win that makes me so happy . The tribe is all getting along great and I couldnt all for better ppl. I'm hoping soon to get some kind of solid group together. Kendell adam and amiry are ppl I def wanna work with long term at the time. Just gotta see what happens. 

Not much has been happening lately so I might be able to keep this short and not ramble on and on like i usually do (ill still end up writing a novel probably) yippy yay it's day 5 and everything is still all smiles and giggles over here because we've won yet another immunity!! kinda boring tbh but obviously im happy we won immunity because now that buys me one more day and at the end of it that's all i care about. I kinda did want the brauns to go to tribal however instead of the brains because i just really would like my beauties to get a nice foot hold and a lead in the game, i actually enjoy taking to some of these people, and im trying my best to talk to as many people as i can, which anyone who knows me knows isn't the easiest thing for me, i was reading some of my old confessionals from both my past games and the one thing i consistently got dragged for was not being as present with people, which granted i did improve a lot on last time around for sure, but i still got work to do and im realizing that more each day when i have no urge whatsoever to talk to anyone (don't worry, it's not you, it's (crippling depression) me! I understand socializing is part of the game and i do think my social game is my strongest asset but to me i like to think of my social game as a more distinct kind, im more elusive and i like to be that, if you leave them wanting more dahling they'll keep you around, i dont like to show all my cards, and that's a quality that i reflect in both survivor and life, and it has advantages and disadvantages in both but ANYWHO despite all that dare i say i think im still doing *decent* ? I'm making it a priority to reach out at least once a day to *most people (AJ, Augusto, Amir, Austin) are the ones ive probably had some of the best conversations with where it was the most natural and just flowed you know, and still is on day 5, and with kendall ive had some talks with her i do like her but idk i get this vibe she's kinda holding back when talking to me, and ESPECIALLY same with connor? we only had one private conversation and he gave me about a 3 word response, and if you havent guessed by now i like elaboration or at least a lil bit of personality when you talk, no shade just an observation, so that's a small red flag im very much a person who matches energy, one of my go to's in survivor is being open to the possibility of anything, ill always work with anyone who will work with me, and i think thats how everyone should play so hopefully the people ive been talking a lot to feel similar but i guess we'll have to wait until a vote of some sort to see about all that.. I still havent heard any idol talk or even game talk quite frankly so im guessing people are just still keeping the friendly facade up..... or ...... is it me?? am i the one on the outs looking like boo boo the fool or is that just my paranoia getting to me??? im not gonna send myself into a tizzy about getting voted out when we're not even going to tribal i- lemme calm down. If i had to guess I'd say Kendall, Connor, or Amir have the idol probably but sounds like a mystery for another day because im DONE im clocking out for the night until other people wanna wake up and play the game too oop final note: ok but it would be sick and twisted if it turns out they are all playing the game just without me and im the first boot of the tribe 

Waking up on this glorious Day 5 with a new perspective. I originally applied to be on the brains tribe and was shook when I got brawn because let’s face it, my arms are akin to overcooked spaghetti noodles. BUT my tribe is so much stronger than the brains. I’m hoping for a big name to go to shake things up. AND I’m not really looking to swap onto a tribe with Trace or Autumn due to our past game history. Love them both dearly, but it’s gonna be a no from me. 

okie so! update from me is i think im doing okay. like i think the benefit of no dua lipa cave is you can just build connections with everyone, you aren't voting someone out every round so why not capitalise on that? i'm so afraid of the fact that i'm overdoing it in challenges like i really need to calm. down. but im reassuring myself with the fact that in the first challenge i only was top because i did like... one more thing than others like its not thattt big of a deal? my puzzle time was clownery but hopefully people don't pay attention to it? im getting very anxious about overdoing it in challenges, but my thought process now is like. i need to act like people have an awareness of it, without getting kinda consumed by my anxiety about it? idk im hoping since most of these people don't know me, they wont notice me doing good in the challenge but truly who can be sure also am really just liking my tribe? like jake is ofc a king, i love jordan (who im gonna talk to later, he is the only one i feel like i have to talk to today), i also really like TJ who i was super harsh on at the start for no reason, i get good ally vibes from lovelis, liam m is super sweet even tho he is kinda inactive and dan is so fun (plus he told jake that he speaks to me one of the most so we love that!!). i've been trying to figure out what i even do about a lot of the super old school players that i have no connection/point of reference with? like people like scott, adam, kendall, aj i have truly no basis with? thats whats so scary about a swap, is at this point in the game i know 10/20 people left aka the brawn tribe + duncan/isaac/autumn, and like 10/20 isnt bad... BUT then the other 10 aka the beauty tribe + trace/scott/devon i have literally no connection to which is super scary JAKSDFA. im just real afraid of a swap. just swap me with jordan/jake/autumn/isaac PLEATHE. im just a pile of anxiety this season idk what to do im like frozen because of how scared i am... maybe it'll be all fine

Well, that was a close one. I struggled with that comp all day and I feel like absolute shit that I only got our team that 1 point. To me, it's inexcusable not to have be able to help my tribe as I wanted to contribute and make sure I made my worth known. So now I'm just this paranoid mess that I would have been in trouble had we gone to tribal. It's been hard to talk to some of these people or for most of those who I do talk to, I just don't really know where there head is at. I'm not sure if this is just a really guarded tribe, or if I really should be concerned. So I don't know what to do just yet. And that's not a feeling I like when playing TS.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty sad that Bodhi left the game like he was so active pre-season so I was expecting him to do his best to go super far and maybe he did? I don’t know, but I did want a chance to actually get to play with him in TS but we keep passing each other by! I hope he is doing good despite how he might feel being the first boot yknow but yeah <3 

The way I absolutely flopped with the idol system stuff is all types of funny and sad at the same time like I REALLY thought I did something only for it to be part of the challenge… That being said, Amir did tell me that he has a theory the idol system might be based on numbers which is interesting! I am super thankful he decided to tell me and we went on this long talk about how we are each other’s #1s which is super cute! I really do trust Amir and I do want to go far with him because he’s awesome but that being said, my #1 is me like I promised myself that I’d be selfish this time around just because being the selfless person I am hasn’t gotten me a win but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. We did go over a lot of stuff in terms of tribe dynamics and we both kinda agreed that AJ would be the first boot from the time if we went to tribal, we like our alliance with Kendall/Connor, we both like Adam and we both think Austin is sweet/genuine even if we don’t talk to him tons so yay for that too <3

I am SO trying to sell the fact that me and Kendall are a duo to Kendall which is funny to me idk hjfkds like she did approach me super early on about aligning but I do have the tiniest feeling she did that to mostly everyone but I’m trying to pin us with each other to her so she trusts me more, especially since I do feel as though she is the best connected on the tribe. I even called us Crystal Cox (me bc blazing speed and challenge flop ofc) and Ken(dell) ghfjdksl, I’m doing the most but yeah, I just want Kendall to see me as her #1 in the game on the off chance anything happens yknow?

Austin thinks I’m his #1 which is really sweet? I do like Austin even if it is hard to talk to him sometimes but hey, that happens. He told me that he’s really glad I’m on this tribe (which I have heard from basically everyone especially Adam and Amir which makes me feel cute omg) and that we might need to get a group going soon. I was like…. Tea but I also don’t know how quickly I want to get an alliance including Austin going just because it’s like… do I reveal that Austin and I are close-ish and be seen as a social threat? That just ain’t cute sis! But yeah, Austin told me he also really likes Kendall and Amir and that’s awesome that the two people I feel the closest to are ALSO doing THAT but at the same time, I want to be the one doing THAT the most because I’m greedy (by Ariana Grande) so it’s something to keep in mind! 

The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks

Ugh fineeeee since I've been called out... by myself. I guess I'll do the bare minimum. So we won immunity!!!! Wooo!!!!!! Low-key though through out the entire process of making the flag, I just kept thinking darn I wish we voted out someone last tribal because drawing 7 people is annoying... watch me get voted out next tribal council lol. That would be quality foreshadowing. Today I have two goals. 1. Figure out what the method of entering the tomb. I intend on getting in contact with Augusto or Connor for that one. Augusto because he is low-key my number one. Connor because I feel if anyone can solve it he probably could. 2. Set up group chat with me, Augusto, and Austin. So Austin can feel a false sense of reassurance and Augusto and I have options. Write more later maybe.

Honestly im feeling kind of trepidatious going forward which is a little wierd, i just dont feel like ive gotten my footing yet in this game. I think like, im in a good spot to be fine on this tribe because of my social game and how I contribute in challenges, but I dont know if I feel good about anything longterm just yet. What really is bothering me is the tomb. Its gonna be round 3 tonight and I haven't made any more progress on getting in than I have night one. I feel like I have a lot of pieces to this puzzle but nothing is fitting together and its bothering me. I'm also a little upset that if we lose, I could see Liam being the target and I can't see my self risking my position to save him if he cant save himself. He has my name on his wiki page its an obvious association to me, and while I think hed be loyal to me, I'm just wondering honestly if him as an ally is worth the target it may bring. Im cautiously moving through the beginning of this game with a lot of unnease and hopefully I find some steady ground soon.

I am annoyed that we are yet again at tribal. I played so fucking hard at winter bells but of course someone on another tribe got like 238593277 billion which threw us back into tribal... So annoying truthfully. But it's alright, I should be able to make it out alive. I want Devon to go home. But I also don't want to let my guard down. This vote is important for a few reasons. The first reason is that our tribe is very close, so I am nervous that lines are going to be drawn in the sand. The second is that, after this vote, we will be down to five, making 3 the majority. We have an alliance of 4, and lord knows that when you are down to 5, whoever feels like 3 and 4 of the alliance are most likely going to try and rope in the 5th person to get rid of each other. So my plan is to make Isaac and Scott BOTH feel as though they are my number 1s so that they actually stick to our alliance of 4 thinking that I will be keeping them both if we lose again. This is the only way that i can see it working, but idk. I feel bad if Devon ends up going because he's a nice guy, but we have to make choices about strengthening our team, and then I have to make a choice about strengthening my place in the game. Hopefully this doesn't come to bite me in the ass.

Things have been going pretty well for my tribe! We won the first immunity challenge and that really seemed to boost tribe morale. Granted, these past couple of days I've been quiet since I'm trying to boost grades that are literally 0s into something manageable before I graduate hehe. I've tried to keep up with people through small conversations, which seems to work better for me at the moment until I get myself together. Adam wants to create an alliance with Augusto and Amir, which I'm totally for. I understand, though, that he doesn't wanna do it immediately since there's really no urgency to? We didn't go to tribal, so why did it matter! That excuse aside, I do hope that us holding our breath to say something doesn't bite us in the ass because these are people I want to work with! I wanna get something going with Kendall as well hopefully, since I adore her! Earlier, I stated that Adam and I (Adam, really) found our way into the tomb and both flopped in the questions. Adam took another stab at it and found out we've been bamboozled! Someone beat us to the punch and has whatever contents were inside the tomb. I'm assuming it was an idol, but who knows what else is in there! It kinda made me lose motivation to keep searching inside but when in Rome? I'll probably end up trying again despite knowing the end result just because I wanna prove I can be a smart cookie as well. I also didn't gloss over this but I'll mention it really quickly, but I'm sad Bodhi went! He was one of the few people I was familiar with on the other tribes so it's unfortunate we aren't going to be able to connect with each other this game. A king has fallen. In lighter and more recents events, my tribe crushed the second immunity challenge. Kendall stunned with her artistry and I'm still gushing over how cute everyone's character was. I kinda like decimated Winterbells, but I've always been good at the game, and Amir did really well in the scavenger hunt. Augusto and Austin did really well in the puzzle also, despite their lack of confidence in offering a strong performance. We appear to be THEE tribe to beat honestly and I'm loving that. I love our tribe! I LOVE OUR TRIBE! It really would be a tragedy if we aren't able to keep up this win streak we're manifesting. 

Sorry for not writing this sooner! Been having a bad depressive episode for the last couple days and it makes me unmotivated to write c': I feel like a flop so far in this game, not because I submit shit scores, but because I find it exhausting to connect with some of these people. They're all very nice in their own special ways, but interacting w some is like pulling teeth, and I guarantee they feel the same about me, which I would expect. That being said, I hope we keep winning, cause I don't have the energy to go to tribal right now.

Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 

Thank God we won that based on the tiebreaker, but yikes I didn't think my flag would've tanked so hard. Guess I've gotta get better at perfecting my craft huh, but at least we're safe. I feel nervous on this tribe to be honest, because I think I'm the second to bottom on the totem pole after the other Liam, so it isn't reassuring that if we lose twice I'll either be gone, or I could even be gone at our first tribal if he's got a solid alliance going...the only alliance I have right now is with Jordan and I don't really know where I sit with everyone else, but I'm afraid of overplaying... ugh so annoying! I think I just need to force a couple of game related conversations with people to build up some trust, just hope it wouldn't paint a target on my back for trying I guess...

oh gorl, some of these people on my tribe really think im just the clown of the tribe and cant put two and two together, well guess what, IM NOT. So Amir messages me, which nothing out of the ordinary there, ive been talking to him every day so far for the most part like i said we're a little familiar with each other from our pasts, but i was VERY surprised today at what had happened... what had happened was....he starts talking the smallest bit of game with me, basically he just said, "is it me or is everyone really quiet here?" and so i just agreed with him and i said yeah i dont think people are talking game yet which is a little weird, and then i threw the TINEST tea crumpet out there and i said "yeah ive talked to some people so easily like you, but then there's others who.....i cant say the same for" and i was absolutely hinting at connor/kendall just because i havent had the longest convos with them, which no biggie, but THEN about 20 minutes later i get a message from CONNOR of all people saying "hey adam!" ..... obviously im glad to talk to him and im all for getting to know everyone, but my instincts immediately went off and told me it's a little sus....how not even a few minutes ago i was saying how some people never talk to me and then out of no where the one person i was mainly talking about messages me?? Coincidences don't exist in survivor. Now I really have no choice but to think that amir in someway mentioned to connor that i said theres some people i havent talked to at all and that he probably needed to work on that.. which is true, but cmon. i know the tribe brain cell is missing but at least put a little thought into this and message me later tonight or not right after i say it?? I'm not sure if they have any type of past connection and while I definitely do wanna keep building my relationship with Amir, this will definitely make me question him a little bit at least until i see how some votes fall when we eventually go to tribal. Amir also told me he's had the most convos with Augusto, which is funny because thats exactly how both me and aj feel about augusto, which tells me augusto is really playing the game rn, and while thats someone i want to work with, it's also someone i need to be extremely careful with if we're still playing together down the road. plot twist: connor messaging me has absolutely nothing to do with amir and i just made this whole conspiracy for nothing but idk.... it's a conspiracy IM interested in.

***last add on because i forgot to say how the hell im gonna HANDLE this amir/connor situation... im keeping my eyes on it incase theyre in kahoots and also if they think im that dumb then clearly they havent watched me play before, which is great for me but bad for them, you cant trick a trickster try all you want, There's nothing I love more than being underestimated in survivor because it kinda makes it a little easier to play and gives me more options, so sure ill keep up my fake smiles and act like we're all fine and dandy, ill play dumb and wont even act like im onto them but i absolutely am and ill be ready to make my move the second it seems right 

Ugh I feel so DIRTY. I feel so GROSS. Poor Devon, truly. I spoke with Autumn and told her about Devon, and she was in without a fight and told me that it should be 5-1. And then Devon came to me and was like... we all good for the vote tonight? And I'm like ................yes? Lol. I'm good, you're probably not. ugh, this is the part of this game that I hate. I want to never lose immunity ever again, let someone else break someone else's heart!

Something about Kendall is so chaotic and terrifying and I can’t put a finger on why.her aligning was her talking to me for the first time in a day saying “let’s align” and created an alliance chat without even asking who else should be in it which leads me to believe her Augusto and Connor already have a trio and I was the 4th. Are all these focking people playing me?? Like i still cant tell if this is a real alliance but i want to believe it is and not a bluff to vote me out. But also like why even do that, the only person on this cast that I trust and have played with, bodhi, has just been voted out. I’m a free agent and I can help that alliance make it far in the game, but they also have lots of relationships on other tribes so like I might not even be that valuable to them. I mentioned to Augusto about the numbers on the blog, hoping to create more trust because I really really love him and want to trust him but I’m still just so damn unsure. if we lose this immunity and I get one bad signal from any of those 3, if they slip up even once, I won’t hesitate to align and gather the minority. But if they are playing me properly, then kudos to them! 

I am just happy i have the idol i am going to put it in my ass. 

me when the brains tribe only has 5 members left http://prntscr.com/s8y76g

You know what? https://66.media.tumblr.com/b7b4accba586ad321141b6ba80d69044/tumblr_omule3fwZC1w1swfno1_250.gifv I'm mad but I'm not tight because that same alliance that Duncan and I orchestrated is the same alliance that will get us through. So do I enjoy going to tribal? No. And do I enjoy knowing that Trace created an alliance w/ everyone except me and Devon? No. But the Dads will prevail and I trust Scott and the gang. I mean Ducnan is family so as long as we don't go it's fine. But Devon is my baby so absolutely gotta kill for him. That's what keep em close hahaha But no the Trace vote is a dream come true that I only crossed my mind once and STILL got manifested. Like Duncan suggested it and I said you got it because Trace will be the FIRST to rally all the white boys against me in a swap. Cute or not, Trace will kill me I'm convinced. Like something in my spirit told me not to trust Trace and low and behold: Duncan reveals that alliance to me on Day 3. So confirmed, Trace is leaving so that I don't fall to the bottom of the tribe. But it's all good- Isaac listens to Fleetwood Mac and watches Schitt's Creek so he's a good guy. And Scott is literally a cinammon roll who's too busy to snitch or flip. I don't have time to discuss how much I love Duncan or Devon so we're tabling that. Anyway If y'all need me I'll be doing this 4 part immunity challenge that determines whether I make Final 3 in the other org I'm in so try not to need me lmao

okay so... we aren't going to tribal but its still kinda messy on brawn beach. i kinda have felt this energy for a while, but i don't think jake and jordan have enough trust between the two of them for us to be a continual three person alliance. jake is a very reactive, gut-impulse kind of player which is honestly to his benefit since he is super perceptive. however that also means he is quick to be anxious about stuff in the game, which is the same as me and that is why we click. BUT. he thinks something is up with dan/jordan and honestly i see that and feel it. jordan keeps hinting at dan being the one to loop in and i think that does say something about them having some sort of game dynamic. however, jordan is maybe downplaying that relationship which is scary KLAF tbh i still like jordan and wanna work with him, but i do 100% have to keep tabs on him, his social connections could definitely become a problem if he has other priorities over me! so i think i just have to make sure im a continuing priority for him, so i have to find some sort of information to bring to him (maybe when dan proposes the alliance of me/jordan/jake/dan to me ill run to jordan and be like hey did dan suggest this to you how do you feel) to solidify that sort of trust? idk... i want my j-men to stick together and they ARENT. maybe i need to solidify stuff with TJ specifically more, he gives good ally vibes? but ya... its a mess tm

[ghostfront]

my therapist wants me to try to start writing again, namely about my progress/recovery, and i hate writing about myself and have always been bad at keeping up with any kind of a journal or consistent blog or anything but i guess i should probably at least give it the old college try so here we are i guess

i don’t want all this shit on my main blog esp bc i barely ever even use tumblr anymore as it is so i’m just gonna dump it here. it doesn’t really matter since i doubt anyone will ever read this and i might as well just make notes in my phone instead but idk i kind of like the feeling that i’m talking to someone even if it’s just the nonspecific internet at large

i don’t really know where to start... which is the other reason i don’t write much these days. i never know where to start or what to write about. i used to write so much and that feels like such an alien concept to me because no matter what i do lately i feel like i have no imagination left in me. the only writing i do anymore is rp and i’m awful at that half the time too because once again, no ideas lmao why is my brain like this

i like my new therapist a lot honestly, i don’t think anyone could ever hold a torch to l but d is good too, in different ways. i guess it’s nice to take a different approach to things because i’ve been at this for god over ten years now and been through so many therapists and so many medications and hospitalizations and all this shit and clearly what i’ve been doing has only been marginally successful so far?

i’m sort of okay now, or on my way back to okay at least, but i had a pretty scary few weeks there that were the worst i’d been in... a really long time. i didn’t tell anyone just how bad it was because i didn’t want to admit it even to myself in all honesty. backsliding has been one of my biggest fears for a really long time. i really, really don’t want to end up in that place again

i do think getting on the esketamine has helped too, i think progress has been a little slower than last time but idk if that’s due to it being the nasal instead of the iv or if it’s just me and where i’m at but i’m trying to be patient. to celebrate the little things and keep taking everything just one day at a time

i got some good stuff done this past weekend. i got my car fixed, i cleaned the guinea pigs, i went to the store. not as much as i’d wanted but it’s better than nothing right? this weekend i want to go to the grocery store for real and get some laundry done. if i’m feeling really ambitious maybe i’ll go get a haircut finally lol

i have treatment tomorrow and i kind of don’t count those as real days bc i usually end up sleeping through most of the day but i hope it’s a good day anyways. or at least not a bad one.

idk how regularly i’ll use this but we’ll see how things go i guess. hopefully i can try and keep up with it at least a little? i used to make a lot of vent posts when i was doing really bad and then sometimes i would also read back through them later and it’d make me really sad to see how long i’d been feeling the same way and felt like nothing would ever change or get better... so i guess it might be nice to keep track of things when they’re going well, too, so i can remember that things can and will change and get better as long as i keep trying. or something along those lines idk. but that’s all for now i guess

[narahalara]

I havent done a long ass rant that nobody reads at all so instead of studying which i should indeed be doing because I only have 2 more weeks left of school im gonna write this lOL 

ok so i deactivated my instagram and removed twitter and tinder and privated/changed the names of some of my other accounts for certain reasons. One during church service today, it really hit me how we tend to just get sucked into this world of social media and trying to please others instead of pleasing God, and honestly lately I have been feeling like a prodigal child thats run away from home and needs to come back to him. I know its a battle to not fall back to depression and anxiety, but I need to continue to push and train myself everyday to not be a victim of my own master manipulation, I cant allow the desire to hurt myself override God’s desire to be loved and know my worth. 

In addition to this i know i have been crying a lot lately in terms of school and my lack of passion lately to do anything, but ive been slowly getting myself back. Ive gotten back to continue writing my book, and ive been playing guitar and singing again. This one i havent stopped, but i did miss my lat two workout session due to depression BUT i got back on again and lowkey just wanna tell myself good job for being so consistent this whole year with getting stronger and healthier like yesss ugh i love workout out its the one place where the pain is controlle by me and i mentally and physically can challenge myself without worrying about other things in my life. And i have grown so much in terms of loving my body and treating my physical health well. 

Next, is my family. I know it hasnt been easier with my mom, but I know I love her 5%. and thats enough. thats all it takes for me not to go crazy. I know she pisses me off and annoys me to the core and hurts my sisters and me a lot, and is the master manipulator, but in her 5 % of the time where i actually feel like i have a mother, all i can do is to give unconditional love the way God does and to continue praying for her and myself to just better. i know its been a hard 20 years but i know i have to be strong and the strength from God has really been my rock

ALSO WORSHIP TODAY WAS FREAKING FIRE LIKE YES I FELT JESUS TODAY VERY IMMENSELY.

Second to lastly I have been kind of lowkey feeling like a hypocrite these past months. I feel like I lost myself a bit and now I feel tired of pretending and want to jut come back. but at the same time i do not regret the things I needed to do because it kinda felt like a mistake that needed to be made just so i know for sure its a mistake and i learn from the experience (idk if that makes any sense but himym season 1 episode 22 i think makes a good explaination for this idea of a mistake needing to be made lol also yes i finally mustered the courage to startup watching this again)

LASTLY ( i think) aghhhhh ok this one is stupid but whatever im gonna write about it because its been heavy in my heart and i need to jut spit it out to realize how utterly dumb it is ok? ok. ahfjdshfjosdf so there was this guy i met via tinder and like you know i was just there for fun cause i honestly think a healthy 83% guys on there are douches but there was this one. i didnt even like him that way. like he was cute he was handsome he was nice all that. and i just wanted to have fun with him. But i think i effed up. there was one time he wanted me to come over and i kept saying no because i was at the gym and i had a long day the following day then he admitted he was just feeling lonely and you know stupid me allowing my hormonal emotional decided to like write this long paragraph i don’t even know what i wrote cause i deleted it from my messages out of embarassment cause he never replied backto it directly, but he would stills snapchat me like normal BUT he would stop asking me for favors and like idk i began to feel sad? like WHAT. why was i feeling sad? i couldnt understand. i figured maybe cause i thought i was losing access to “favors” like superficial sadness lol like i jut wanted to get in his pants and now he didnt want me physically cause i decided to say weird things or whatever. but like why was i feeling sad> like we dont even know each other that well, we aren’t close or anything. but i guess cause hes probably the most decent person i met via tinder lol. THEN i went through an A.S. crisis for nO REASON i couldnt understand. 

Then i realized why i went through the a.s. crisis. its so stupid

I realized I started like feeling... thInGS?? IDK like AGHH idk i dont know :( i dont think i like him? like how can i like someone i dont evnek now that well? that makes no sense? 

So was like nah no this is just me wanting to get in someone pants, im just physically wanting attention~ so i went to tinder to test my theory. i was swiping dramatically on everyone LOL then these past days i just realized regardless of whatever level of attractiveness i had received offers which is what couple months ago me would ENJOY. I caught myself only looking at my phone and feeling my stupid heart beat skip diastole cause his stupid name wasnt on my phone 

YES I KNOWWW THIS IS SO STUPID WHAT NARAH . oh gosh... I think there is a part of me that confesses, ok i know i don’t like him cause again, you cannot like someone you do not even know that well. 

But the facts that I get sad when i dont see his name on my phone or my heart jump when i do ee it or i smile when i see a photo of him or i start texting him stupid lame things cause i dont know how to talk indicates i am having weird stupid stupid emotions 

like omg narah whats wrong with you. 

i also felt sad at first cause i think i felt like this was really me letting a.s. go

then i felt mad for allowing myself to start feeling this way 

like i dont get this way with other guys i would just be unserious with on tinder

with others i feel like i know what to do, its so careless unfeeling

but with this guy its like I FEEL AND I DONT LIKE IT 

so maybe im just experiencing these feelings cause ever since i sent that stupid text he stopped giving me his superficial attention or asking for stuff and i just wanted him to use me cause maybe im lonely too 

aghhh i wasnt even lonely though i was FINE. 

so yeah i officially feel embarassed so i need to let this go and i needed to write this somewhere i know nobody could find this. and also if this was ever exposed to like him for example he’d think im crazy or creepy or weird and i already feel embarassed enough for even feeling this stupid cliché way hence ill just slowly drift and he wont noticed and itll all be good LOL also like if he actually starts getting serious with someone i think i will feel sad so im dodging this bullet before this really occurs cause like its bound to happen like bruh hes so cute he can have any girl he wants ya know >SAPDOjfeofeiwfj

i dont regret anything though. i feel like again, a mistake i needed to make, just so i know. like im good im fine im honsetly ok 

but i needed to acknowledge this mid life highly mudane crisis that doesnt even compare to the real stressors of life. 

honestly i think i did what i needed to do, and now im tired, i wanna just come back home to God and not do this anymore.

cause to be honest i am happy with being alone, and yeah the truth is i am kinda romantic, even though i was going through a random phase of just wanting temporary stuff. 

i know deep down i’m one of the most committed wholesome loving who just wants genuine love not superficiality. so yeah thats old fashion yes thats foolish yes i KNOW it looks dumb. but hey who cares, this is the real me, and i should accept who i am. 

so yeah, no regrets, i think in a sense i’m glad i went through this phase cause it taught me that indeed this is not really me. but just finally coming back to who i want to be and will continue to progress to be. 

[parrotfishteeth]

thoughts about my mh... some negative and some positive stuff

Idk why but my mental health has gone into a serious decline in the past few weeks and it sucks

Actually I have an inkling as to possibly why, I started education again for the first time in nearly a year. Consistently I’ve felt least depressed/anxious when not in education. but then when im not in education i feel useless and ashamed of myself. i mean i still feel pretty useless and ashamed because i dont have a job, but it feels better to be doing SOMETHING at least...

Anyway it brings up another issue:

I feel pathetic that I’m still like this at my age. I mean logically I know mental health doesn’t change with age but I guess I have some internalised ableism because I can’t shake the feeling that like? I’m an adult I should have “grown out of this” by now?

I mean I’d never think that about anyone else though, so why am I being so harsh to myself? i need to think of myself the way i think about other people, with more kindness and understanding... im not terrible and i need to stop telling myself that i am!

idk anyway this sucks and i hope i can feel better soon ive been trying to be positive and like distract myself but its

So hard!

oh well im pretty used to it

which is sad, its actually more unusual for me to feel happy... I think the last time I was actually genuinely happy for an extended period of a few months was in the summer when I was 16 and had just left school! that’s like 7 years ago? fuck 

my naive self thought my life would somehow get better when i left school

(spoiler alert: it got worse!)

anyway something that makes me feel happy is ghost like I listen to the music, watch concert videos and interviews... all the time! going to the concert for their latest tour was the happiest ive felt in months and months!! i didnt get to meet them after the show because it was too late and i had to travel home quite far but i wasnt too sad about that, throughout the show they made a lot of eye contact and gestures to me, it was really awesome and i got blown a kiss by papa too and i almost died right there haha i was grinning a lot but yeah it makes me feel good and im listening to them right now! so like its great that something makes me feel good... but then i get the age old embarassment when  like something “too much” or an “abnormal amount” so i feel very ashamed of myself

i remember when i was a little kid i had NO shame for liking things “too much”

i had fully packed ring binders on all of my special interests and used to print out pictures and collect all the information i could

and id tell people about it all the time!

and if i really liked them id show them the contents of my folders!

i wish i could be so free from shame these days!

but yeah anyways i love ghost and thats all there is to that

[jh-allthingswonderful-blog]

Day 24

5/4/17 (MAY the FOURth be with you :) Today was a pretty fun day. I really wanted to go to the concert today and my mom wouldn’t take me to Athens (until she changed her mind but it was too late). I stayed at Marion’s after track practice for a couple hours. We watched reallly cute anime and ate spaghetti :). The concert was hilarious and great. I was standpartners with Kathy. Her cello kept slipping because she didn’t have a rock stop ( and neither did I but I leaned my cello against the edge of a chair). I was trying so hard not to burst out laughing because it happened like two or three times. Ive been having so much fun with the cello guys, and after the concert Eric told me that I was cool enough to join the “cellogays”. I thought it seemed pretty mean for them to “select cool people” to be apart of their group, but I guess it’s formed from people with good humor. Plus I didn’t really start speaking until the end of the year. They have a group chat for it and everything. It consists of Wesley, Eric, Peter, Jeffrey, and Kathy. :(. The reason why I didn’t talk to them was being I messed up their skit during string camp. My first string camp! Jeffrey was yelling at me to fix my mistake during the skit and Wesley had to cue me and ughh..I felt so embarrassed that I didn’t speak to them. I remember after the skit, they all got ice-cream together and Eric kind of looked back at me with sad eyes. That night I was so depressed, that the only thing that saved me was playing music. No matter what we felt about each other, playing music in unison and wanting to improve was a good enough reason for me to stop from killing myself. Plus, we were playing variations of Tchaikovsky, which sounds beautiful. I was especially hurt by Peter, who tried really hard to be their friends this year, which included giving me the cold shoulder. Very cold shoulder. Now that I think about it, I’m not so sure if I want to be friends with them. Ya all they wanted was to be friends with funny people (and funny people are cool people), but.. idk. I’m going to have to think about this. I’ll just see how tomorrow goes. Ik it may sound like I’m overthinking this, but I’m really emotional. I’ve cried about being alone in the cellos multiple times. GAH. NO ONE LIKES A SILENT, INTROVERTED PERSON. GAHH. I hate myself. I hate everyone. I HATE EVERYONE.