#ive had it 4 times now and it is always lile this

[the-black-dragons-den]

Me after vomiting from 7 am to noon and not being able to keep even water down:

"Please give me IV fluids"

The Urgent Care phlebotomists (yes 2 of them) after blowing out my first vein and sticking me unsuccessfully twice more):

"This is because you drink alcohol and smoke weed. We can't help you. Go to the ER."

[wexhappyxfew]

i literally choked on my pizza when i saw your writing and analyzing questions post, I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!! first of all, what sort of process do you go through when creating characters? what kind of things do you take into consideration when creating them? i’m fascinated because creating characters is far from easy, especially when you’re creating someone like agent mortem! i’m always interested to know what the writer’s thought process was when creating a new character!

okay, so secondly, i wouldn’t say i’m having trouble with keeping all my planning organised and ‘precise’ in a way, but it’s really not easy 😅 i was wondering what kind of processes you go through when planning, whether you have like a specific structure or a set of steps to follow, or if you just kind of roll with it? at the moment when i plan it’s okay and it makes sense, but it’s literally just 4 or 5 pages of really chunky paragraphs which makes it really difficult to pick out the events again when i come to needing the plan to help me. i don’t really know if you do anything different, but if there is any way you know of that i could keep it more organised and easy to follow, that would be great :)

i’ll keep the last ones a little shorter because this ask is already looking veryyy long — what have you enjoyed writing about natia, what struggles have you faced and what have you learned? and basically the same with agent mortem if that’s possible :) i have asked a LOT of questions in this, so don’t feel like you have to answer them all because it will probably take quite a while 😅 anyway, thank you for putting up with my endless questions, and i hope you have a good day <33

ROSE AH HELLO MY FRIEND!!!! <333 sorry ive just gotten to this omg! it’s been sitting here for a little while but i’ve just had so much going on right now and wanted to make sure when i answered that my *full attention* was put on this! (because i’ve been very excited to answer this ESPECIALLY as i see agent mortem questions poking up on here and that just makes me even more hype!!! :D enjoy! <3

Ooooo this is a cool question! I’ve been asked it before but I feel with different characters and such, it always seems to fluctuate for me at least? In the sense, it’s almost never the same process for me in the developmental stages of a character haha! Sometimes I get characteristics first hand, or sometimes a certain scene pops up that just makes the character click and I can build from there, or sometimes, it’s just a last name or a first name that I work with and suddenly have an idea for!

For example, since we’re on the general topic of Landslide, I’ll talk about some things I did when creating specifically Natia. The “Natia” who is currently portrayed in the fic, was not always really like that. Natia initially was not a SOE Agent/Polish Resistance Fighter and instead a Dutch Resistance Member who would meet with Easy in Episode 4. I always sort of knew Natia, in whatever form she was, would meet Easy in Episode 4, but I wasn’t sure how, so the building in the first 17 chapters was the toughest part to come.

I did heavily feel the Polish were underrepresented in terms of the situation of the war along with everything that happened in the Warsaw Uprising and so I felt it was important to see if I could do something with that and that’s really where Natia came into play!

Natia means “hope” essentially and something I really like doing with her character is to parallel or juxtapose different ideas together, to continue on this sort of theme of her being a quite ominous and ambiguous character — you get the general sense of what her morals are, but in certain points it’s questionable. Morally-ambiguous characters have always been fascinating to me, especially female morally-ambiguous characters and so creating Natia in that respect I felt would be interesting to see what I could do!

Something major that I’ve slowly began to take into consideration with characters more and more, is the sort of general theme I want to be present with them — what’s that goal i that they are moving towards in the end and what’s the them surrounding it? For Natia it’s a multitude of things; family, revenge, being silenced, numb, grief, mentor vs protégé, lone wolf etc….the list could truly go on! And with these basic sort of ideas and themes, I can then move on from there and expand.

Why did she want REVENGE? Because the enemy killed her FAMILY, which is extremely important to her, and she wants to feel some sort of REDEMPTION for them.

Why was she BEING SILENCED? Because of the *past* conflict of the HARMFUL MENTOR VS SILENCED PROTÉGÉ situation that occurred between Agent Mortem and herself, where she allowed herself to be silenced by someone who abused the SUDDEN POWER he never had before in his life, ultimately leading to her continued issues of TRUST that she would meet throughout.

Why is she NUMB? Because at a fairly young age she experienced heavy and intense GRIEF that struck unforgivably at a time where it seemed things were safe. To rip something from a character, especially the main character, like FAMILY which is extremely important, you pull at the heart strings and it makes that character move forward on a quest for that in a way, ultimately by the end of the fic. (Basically you up they are least get a semblance of that lost thing, found again by the end)

Why is she a LONE WOLF? Because of the MENTOR VS PROTÉGÉ situation yet again, where she was taught to rely strictly on herself and no one else and so when TRUST and COMPANIONSHIP and TEAMWORK were introduced to her character, she didn’t know how to cope because she had been so desensitized to the ways of Agent Mortem that working back in the morals of family and friends was a challenge in its own respect.

It’s sort of a like a ripple effect if you think about it and that’s what helps me eventually move forward and develop the character arc I want to take place. She’s this way because of this — sort of like cause and effect. It’s really helped me out with major scenes or plot holes that have risen throughout the fic!

AGREED! Writing in general is not an easy feat and now including mind you ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, you’re literally, essentially, creating human beings from scratch and giving them characteristics, a backstory, trauma if you wish, friends and family, people they love, people they hate, morals, standards EVERYTHING! ITS INSANE! AH AND AGENT MORTEM! I’m so very glad that you brought him up, because his creation definitely stemmed directly from the want to experiment with the relationship of failed mentor vs protégé, entirely. I wanted a foil to Natia that was not directly with her all the time. Mortem plays such a MASSIVE role in her story and yet any interactions between the two are either from her mind or from memories and that’s just such a fun way to play around with their dynamic! (I just finished the creation of his backstory and character arc I want him to take and it’s only made me even more excited for what’s to ultimately come for him as well as Natia!)

A song that HEAVILY represents their dynamic is Ghost by Marvin Brooks (2WEI) and I’ll explain why. Even though Mortem is not always inherently *with* Natia, he still is a huge factor of her life, and still heavily controlling many aspects of her life such as recurring memories, reactions, and how she is also conditioned to react to certain things as well. He is essentially a “ghost” who is “haunting” Natia and I feel that’s an interesting take on their connection because they’re two people who clearly had a power struggle and a difference of opinions of multiple things and that just makes it so incredibly interesting to write!

song:

OOOOOO good question!!! So many people have such different ways of approaching story writing and planning and drafting and writing and editing and it’s honestly amazing!! I will say, I’m not an excessive planner or even a real great planner with writing, I never really have, and even as I’ve developed my writing and learned that “it’s okay to slow down”, or “it’s okay to take time for different portions to provide a deeper focus”, I still have not been someone to plan out every bit of my writing.

Reason being is I enjoy seeing where I can take the story in that time and place. Maybe if I’m doing a quick little writing segment and suddenly this idea just appears and hits me, I work it into the fic and it takes it a whole new direction and I end up not being super upset about it because it just…it works! And of course, this is not how other people operate and I have every respect for people who plan and have every detail laid out and figured out and just….completely and utterly planned to the dot. Lile kudos to people who genuinely get the planning all cleaned up before even writing, truly.

I just finalized Agent Mortem’s backstory and where I want his character arc to go and I’ve had him as a character since August of last year LOL! But ya know sometimes, I sit and I think back and go, maybe I wasn’t ready at that time to develop him completely yet because I, the writer, didn’t understand him enough to and I had to write more of him to be able to get a grasp of who he was and his character (and just about everything else!) and that’s okay!!! :)

Going with this idea I just stated above — the 4 or 5 pages of info — KEEP IT MY FRIEND!!! I swear, half the reason ideas even come to me is simply because I just write a big info dump that has all my little ideas somewhere inside and will ALWAYS be there. I recommend maybe taking a day though - away from focusing on writing or editing - and just picking that apart. (That’s what I did the other day and it helped me out MAJORLY! and it was worth it in the end!) Maybe keep the original 4-5 pages and then copy and paste the same thing in another doc so you always have the original!

And then just go through and split ideas apart! If you start reading and see it moving into another realm of headspace of ideas, just press enter and separate the two — you didn’t delete it, it’s still there and still intact! It’s just easier to look at now because instead of two, jumbled and completely different ideas, you now have two paragraphs and portions of text that relate to their own respective idea. It definitely makes it an easier pill to swallow when trying to get yourself organized!!

This really helped me when I was in my beginning stages of figuring out Landslide ESPECIALLY the first 17ish chapter where Natia was not in contact with Easy yet. I’ve explained it before but those chapters are there because we are seeing her final days with the resistance in Warsaw and how she ultimately ends up with Easy PLUS we see who she is as a character by herself and how she is not merely an extension off of Easy, but her own character, her own person. She has her own story and her own morals and ways of going about her life that don’t even relate to Easy. Their paths just happened to cross!! :)

By getting those first 17ish chapters planned, not extreme planning though I will admit, half the scenes were very much thought up on the spot for example like Natia driving to Munich in disguise or the introduction of Zdzich — two very important scenes that show us something about Natia. (1) She’s willing to go to extreme lengths for the people she loves to ensure that in the end they are safe, even if it means sacrificing herself and (2) she has trouble realizing that there are people out there that genuinely care for her, a connection to her ultimate, unruly and upsetting past. And the best part about it is THESE WEREN’T EVEN PLANNED! So sometimes, just let the story take the reigns and your mind and just guide you through it. Sometimes it is for the best :)

If you have your basic ideas and concepts and themes for how you want your fic to eventually go, the scenes for me most of the time just appear I guess when they should. Sometimes even in the times I'm not writing, I sit theorizing and questioning and thinking and developing ideas in my mind and it's a real good exercise, so when you get back to writing, you already know where you want the fic leading in the end!

MAN I LOVE THIS QUESTION. Anytime I can provide some meta or give some insight to Natia who is just one of the best characters I’ve gotten the pleasure of working with, I’ll gladly answer!

The thing I enjoy writing about Natia the most I feel, and I’ll probably always say this, is her complexity — as a writer, her character orders a healthy challenge for me that I gladly have accepted! You don’t know everything about her as a reader and as you read each chapter, that’s how you slowly uncover and discover what she hid about herself to protect herself. There’s so many different aspects of her that I could discuss truly!! (There has been so many parts that I’ve scrapped because I read through and just think “Man this doesn’t seem like Natia!”. She’s tricky sometimes to stake down exactly how she would react because of her past and her trauma and how long she’s been in war, but I just LOVE it!)

Many different aspects of her character though, come from her past and that’s what makes her interesting. I’ve really enjoyed working with the ideology of “Chekov’s Gun”, a writing device that can be used, with how I will mentioned something and it almost might seem out of the blue, yet later it all just makes sense?! When the flashback is revealed or a small portion of her past is finally allowing *light* in. It's a device I've used with Natia that has just really helped to develop her story at the pace I want it to be revealed! :D

For example, the OCEAN is mentioned many times. I make constant reference to the WAVES, the RECESSION of them from time to time, the comparison of the OCEAN both ABOVE and BELOW surface — all of that sorta stuff! For her character, it seems a bit out of place. She’s COLD. She’s NUMB. She’s BROKEN. What does an open body of water consuming at least 70% of the Earth have to do with an OC based in Warsaw, Poland?

This is where the importance of her PAST will play it’s role, as it has a major INFLUENCE on her and her CHARACTER and her MORALS. One of the main reasons the OCEAN is inherently connected to Natia is because of her PAST and one of those main reasons is AGENT MORTEM and her TRAINING, especially WATER training. I can’t comment further on this though as readers have only touched the tip of the iceberg for the use of the OCEAN and it’s IMPORTANCE so far in this fic! (Ask me again about it once this fic is finished up for the most part, unless….by Part 4 readers understand why!)

Natia just remains a character who constantly is developing and changing inside my head - where I want her path to ultimately end up leading by the end of the fic, where I want both her mental head space vs emotional head space should be and etc. So many portions of this fic are dealt specifically on her internal monologue and how she calculates and problem solves from that portion of her sort of *engagement* within the conflict. There never seems to be a dull moment when writing her!

Another thing I really have enjoyed about writing Natia is her clashing personality traits that make her interesting to write in both different scenarios and reactions. She's stubborn yet humble. She's numb and cold but internally extremely caring and giving and filled with these bottled up emotions. She's mentally strong yet she's been through so much and let the war take so much. She never complains about what she's doing, but she's lost nearly everyone she loves. She's a fighter in this war and refuses to back down from a battle she know she can wage, but the second she is pulled from the aspect of war, things crash and burn around her. Just even these few combating sort of things, really show her character and what, through writing, has slowly developed! They always lay around in the back of my mind and it's one of the main things I remind myself when I write Natia all the tme.

I think one of the most important things I've learned from both writing and creating a character like Natia is that (1) it's okay to ask for help, about anything, literally anything. You don't have to confine everything to yourself and build up this immense pressure to do what you must to continue moving forward. It's okay to have people there to help you and support you. (2) It's okay to be strong alone and even if you seem to be the only one on the current path you're are on, it does not mean you are wrong. it can still lead to the right destination in the end!

Oooo okay! AGENT MORTEM!! I am totally down to chat about some things I've loved to write with him with and some challenges I've discovered, but as far as what I've learned from him, I will be holding off and could answer that when the entire fic is both completed and then updated on platforms....just because ;) don't want to give away any spoilers haha! <3

Something I've enjoyed about writing and crafting Agent Mortem is letting him remain as mysterious and secretive as he is for so long. Initially, I can't even begin to recall what his character would be like even a year ago, but seeing where he has developed now, I'm really happy with where he is. He's mysterious, he's shadowed, he seems like a figure in the background, a past mentor who is half deranged and lost his mind with a background with so substance. It makes for such a fascinating way to begin to reveal his past! (something I've began to insert into part 4 of Landslide and man I'm just so HYPE!)

I feel I'm excited simply because he's finally getting the time and moment he deserves to finally explain and show himself as to what has occurred. There's so many fractured and disconnected parts of what is currently going on with Natia and her connection to both Agent Mortem and then Death is tossed in the mix and it seems this big complicated mess of 'how' Agent Mortem got to be this way, 'why' he does a thing such as this, just different and varying aspects such as that. it makes for those big final reveals to all be even more worth it!

He has been quite the challenge though I will admit. There's so many perspectives he could quite possibly be viewed from and his *character* + morals/values could be pulled in a various amount of ways as well. Making sure he accurately comes across the way I want him to both appear and come across to the reader and to myself has definitely been tricky. He's not as easy as suspected, you know, not just a 'dude who had a bad day and went insane in the end', there's a whole multitude of levels and reasons and a deep, heavy and traumatizing background starting from his birth really (which is a whole other story). Managing and balancing that all in one has definitely been something I've had to keep on top of and monitor but I feel has really been worth the challenge in the end. Because at the end of the day, I'm someone looking to constantly challenge myself.

And a good challenge, whether it be writing or academics or a workout, is healthy and GOOD! That's what Landslide in a whole has really shown me, to challenge yourself daily to see where you can push yourself and your imagination and creativity, just to see where you can even go!! it's exciting and refreshing!

Thank you so much for this wonderful ask Rose! I appreciate it more than ANYTHING as you well know, and I know it's taken me *quite* some time to answer, but I've been working on it for weeks now and finally got it out because it was ready! I really wanted to take my time with it and develop it to its full potential in the end and I feel I have (without giving away any spoilers haha!) As always, please know if you have any further questions regarding Natia Filipska, Agent Mortem, Death (along with other characters of Landslide), writing, the process (my own included), tips for writing/planning, or just anything else in general, I will always be happy to help in anyway I can! You're always welcome, anyone always is!!! <3333 Thank you again, I had so much fun doing this more than anything! :D

[theamazingalicat]

Why i feel like hes should be enough

No one loves me like he does... unconditionally

We started dating young

We had no money

His dad would drill into us saying we need to surround ourself with rich friends

Everything was about money and status

we hated this way of thinking

It made us feel lile we wernt enough

Our friends wernt enough

So we made it a thing to never be like that

I often look back and fantisize about doing it all over again because I hate that this is my story and this is my life.

But I cant change that now... I have to either change my life or learn to love and accept it.

For me theres not much diffrence if i was single or not. I am able to give myself everything a partner can.

How long do you enable someone before you can walk away? 

I

But when i think of marriage I think of the words for better or worse so i must love him at my worst if I'm considering marrying him

Hes knows me for better or for worse

I can fart, walk around naked, kiss him with no make up on...hes seen me having panic attacks and freak outs.hes seen me motived and kicking lifes ass hes seen me go through greif and loss and fails.

When getting this job I was so hopeful and happy like this could change my life

Part of me did consider that I could learn as much as possible ,and if need be, take that with me to a new job doing the same thing and being single or moving on with Evan at the time. But another part of me belived & saw the future with Brian I was extremely happy with where I was and who I was with. But then not even 3-4 weeks of having the job i still feel sad from time to time. I feel stuck still when not to long ago I felt so free. I keep imagining things will change and they are but not at the pace id like them to and that seems be a my life.

Little things bug me and eat at me and I am trying to learn to accept it for what it is. For example he doesn't talk to any of my family at events. He doesn't try to change his day to day routine.

I have always felt the need to match his energy like if hes gaming i should be gaming. Iv always been the motivator like hey lets clean hey lets work out. Or when we did real estate i always wanted to door knock do ,open houses, Go to classes.

Why do i feel the need to have a partner that lives the samelife style as me or different life style than him? One that cares about his health and my health and a man that is at a point in their life to help better me and him at the same time. I want to be taken care of...

My mom told me that I should marry my best friend and thats all iv been looking for in a partner. I dont consider being a provider as part of my requirments in a partner I dont like the word provider. It sounds like someone who take care of me and yes i do deep down want someone to take care of me but I also want to help them and have a parntnership like a friendship.

[vldrocketeer]

I think part one was me just saying i realized i had feelings for a really close guy friend in October and I told him but he was like i find you attractive but no which is cool bc we taled about it and it was a im not mentally okay and neither are ypu so this probably isn't going to work out if we try it. And that was cool cos i just wanted closure -🥜

Buuuut after that I started noticing things where like…Id post things about going on pal dates with my (girl) friends or talk to him about plans i had with another female and he’d kinda stop talking. And i was like ??? Okay bc i still liked him and it was kinda obvious he was jealous cos he’d ask me to marry my best friend C?? Like “If you guys get along so well why dont you just date/ marry her lol” bc im demisexual and swing both ways -🥜(2/?)

Fast forward to like May and Im kinda sick of this bc i still kind of like him and he’s started to slowly just not respond to me or text me and im like of anything i just miss my friend? But like he’d tell me he loved me, misses me and wpuld never abandon me and it like kept fueling my crush on him. Like what he said was always so nice but he made me feel kind of shitty sometimes. I got my tarot cards read and the guy was like STOP WITH THIS BOY-🥜(3/?)

And he told me the reason he stopped talking to me was bc he felt lile he couldnt give me what I wanted when I TOLD HIM i didnt want a relationship. And he was lile ive chamged so i might bot text you back or at all so i was like ive changed to and wont message people if i dont feel like they make me worth their time. So fast forward to now, i feel like an ass and kind of regret half of what I said? Even tho i was pretty mature about it for the most part and he’s popping up-🥜(5/?)

And its taking a lot to not message him and ask what he’s up to bc i worry about him as a person cos we were super close and I know hes not mentally okay and Im not either and my internal voice keeps telling me that im an asshole for pushing him away when i know hes not ok but i keep telling myself hes not my responsibility?? Idk what to do man-🥜(6/6)

Turns out I also didn’t get part 4, but Imma still give advice anyways

I think this boy is being very immature and playing with your feelings. It might not be intentional, but either way, it isn’t good for you to keep going back to him.

So I don’t think that you should feel bad about what you said. I would’ve said the same thing.

Do not message him back. Move on from him. He is a jerk.

[uncle-spice]

89 sexy questions

1. First kiss? 7th grade at a concert at the park near my house. 💜 2. First time masturbating? Probably 8th grade when my friend goated me into buying a sex toy. 3. First sex toy? A pink 7 inch vibe First kink tried? With or without a partner? With was breathplay, and without was tying myself up. 4. First time doing oral? The summer after freshman year at my boyfriends house. 5. First time having sex? Also in the summer after freshman year at my boyfriends house 6. Biggest turn on? Probably touching of my sides or lower back.. 7. Biggest turn off? Idk long nails? Or when someone takes too long to cum 8. Quickest way to get horny? Honestly im nearly always so just lots of touching or fondling can get me there 9. Weirdest thing that ever turned you on? Probably rape bc thats pretty weird 10. Top 3 places to be touched? Sides, spine, butt 11. Ultimate fantasy? Being dominated by a hot boi who’s down for whatever. 12. Do you like the idea of a three or moresome? Eh.. i mean if they’re hot i gues, and down for making me the center of attention. 13. Do you send nudes? Do you like receiving them? Not often. And most of the nudes i get are gross or have tic tac dicks so i usually dont bother but i do take nudies just for myself 14. Sex or masturbation? Hard choice, but probably sex. 15. Spit or swallow? It depends if im deep throating or not and what he tastes like. Either way ill probably swallow. 16. Cut or uncut dicks? Cut but i dont judge as long as its a cute boi that can use it well 17. Rough or sensual sex? A bit of both? Passionate is a better word for me. 18. Oldest person you’d sleep with? As of right now? Probably 22 19. Loud or quiet partners? Eh, depends where we are. I dont want you waking my roommates but if no ones here i wanna hear if im doing a good job or not. 20. How much foreplay do you like? As much as my partners up for 21. How much teasing do you like? A lot but not to the point where i dont get rewarded in the end.. 22. What is too big for you to take? Idfk a 18 inch horse dick? I’ve taken at the most 8 inches. 23. Do you do hookup or only sleep with a partner? 24. Partner though i wouldn’t decline a hookup 25. How much kissing do you like during sex? Lots lots lots 26. What’s the most attractive part of the body Idk I’m a big fan of legs, noses and hair 27. Favourite place to have sex? Cars or the bedroom for me. Though ive really wanted to fuck at a concert.. 28. Would you have sex in public? Depends if its a legal area, and if others are gonna be grossed out or not 29. Last place you had sex? My ex’s house 30. Where would you most like to have sex? A car or concert 31. Do you like spontaneous sex, or do you need to be in the mood? I’m usually up for spontaneous sex but if i dont feel good you better put that dick back where it came from me so help me 32. Could you go through with a hookup at a strangers house Probably 33. What’s your biggest kink? Idk if i can answer that but domination, breath play and roleplay are my top 3 34. What’s your limit? Weird shit like furries, shit and stuff like that. 35. Are you okay with name calling in bed? Yes yes yes. 36. Would you do any BDSM? Yessss as long as i dont die i guess 37. Do you prefer to tie somebody up or be tied up? Being tied up. 38. Favourite type of bondage? Light stuff like scarves or bandanas 39. Do you like orgasm denial/forced orgasm? Eh sure. 40. Do you like overstimulation? Ehhhh 41. Do you like having pain involved? Yaz 42. Do you like biting/being bitten? Both both both 43. Have you ever been made to/made somebody beg for it? Eh i made my ex beg though i really wish someone else were man enough to make me 44. Do you have any strange or extreme kinks? Eh, im sorta into water sports and choking. But thats about as far as it goes in the “extreme” category. 45. Have any roleplaying preferences? Well im super into non con. But I’m also into play a school girl/boy, I’ve done a starwars one, and maybe some daddy/son play 46. Do you own sex toys? How many? Yes and 3 not including lubes 47. Favourite Sex Toy? Probably my newer pink vibe 48. What do you masturbate to? Either music porn or my imagination i guess 49. How often do you masturbate? At the max 2 times a week 50. How often do you use sex toys to masturbate? Nearly every time 51. Do you masturbate with penetration? Yeah dood 52. Do you go for multiple rounds or settle at one or no orgasms? Usually when i have sex I’ll try going for more rounds but when it comes to masturbation if i feel satisfied ill stop. 53. Do you enjoy giving oral? Yes! I love giving oral!!! 54. Do you prefer giving or receiving oral? I prefer giving but getting it isn’t half bad either. 55. What makes you orgasm the fastest when receiving oral? Idk hearing them moan against me? 56. Do you have a preferred technique for giving oral? I like taking my time and kissing and licking and doing it real sweetly 57. Can you deepthroat? Yes but its not my facorite thing in the world to do. 58. Do you do anal? Yes! With proper build up or with toys 💜 Top or bottom? 59. As much as I’d love to be a bottom, i usually have to take over as a top bc there aren’t many guys who actually like being a top. 60. Favourite position? Idk with my legs up or doggy style 61. How often do you do unprotected sex? Nearly everytime ive had sex (i know it was dumb but i haven’t had sex in quite a while and ive learned from those mistakes) 62. How loud are you in bed? Eh im pretty noisy, but mostly loud mewling and gasps 63. Do you enjoy having nipples played with? Not really bc im trans and I’m really self conscious about my chest. 64. Do you like/dislike/love/hate cum? Love!!! 65. How good are you at dirty talk? Not.good.at.all. 66. Do you get sleepy after an orgasm? Depends. Some times im real tired but others i feel like i could run a marathon. 67. Do you like wearing/seeing people in lingerie? I like wearing it when im alone though I’d be way too embarrassed to wear it around my partner 68. Do you masturbate or have sex with clothes on? Yes! 69. What’s your favourite style of underwear? Boxers i guess 70. Are stockings/thigh highs a turn on? Yes! 71. Ever had somebody say no to a kink you suggested trying? Not really though one guy tried getting me to do raw anal and i noped out real quick 72. Do you trim, shave or leave pubic hair untouched? How do you prefer partners? Depends if im in a relationship or not. If i am i will trim if not i wont. Though i do lile my partners with some hair. 73. How many orgasms can you have in a day? Idk i never counted but more than 2 74. How many other people know your dick/bra size? Not many?? 75. What do you wear to bed? Usually a t shirt and boxers 76. Do you eat ass? Do you like having your ass eaten? No, and I’ve had my ass eaten and it wasn’t great and was kind of uncomfortable tbh 77. Try to describe how orgasm feels for you. It’s a mix between a fun burn and having to pee. 78. Have you ever been to a strip club? How was it? If not, would you? No and i probably would if i had people to go with. 79. Fun questions!Do you name your genitalia? No but if i did it’d probably be an Adam 80. What would be your stripper name? Pussy boi 81. Any funny sex stories? Well me and my ex were having sex in his swimming pool and his mom came outside and couldn’t see the lower half of me, and thought we were hugging and was like “awwwe” and i was dying bc it felt really good and i couldn’t do anything and he wouldn’t stop moving his hips. 82. What food if any would you use during sex? 83. Idk whipped cream or something i can lick off 84. Would you give somebody a sex toy as a gift? Yes and i have 85. What’s the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen? ET porn. Look it up and be horrified. 86. Do you often get horny in public? Yes. 87. Ever used something that isn’t made for sex in the bedroom? I’ve used a baseball bat and i have no regrets 88. Have you ever walked in on somebody or been walked in on? Yes by my mother and my ex’s mother but we usually pulled away close enough to make it seem like we weren’t doing anything 89. Do you have any friends you’d sleep with? Oh hell yes. Many. Though of course I’d never tell them that…

[ilygsd]

241018: 4

you know those pathetic abstinence posts i wrote when i ”took a pause” from him?

yeah uhh........ im trying my hardest not to weite smth equally as cringy but i cant help. i catch myself looking at the few pictures ive taken/screenshoted of him, imagine his smell wow and thats really smth that hits me. ive said it before, i even admittet it but sometimes when im outside, at the busstop or whatever and theres a gust i can suddenly get very very excited like my heart goes WOOP for a second and then i realize FUCK its just another male perfume lmao. like i didnt know i likes perfumes until met him. a crazy thought would be for me to buy his perfume and then just use it for all my clothes and my bed to feel safety. thats fucked up. idk why but peoples smell have always been very important to me

i always used to exchange shirts with my precious boyfriends. or not exchange i just stole their shirts. i used to have like up to 5 of my exs shirts and it sucked ass to give then back to him when we broke up lol.

i did find it interesting though because of jo wearing perfume i didnt know what his ”original” scent was like. i still dont really know, but i think i lile the mix of his perfume and his own smell like after we’ve cuddled or had sex i could feel him on my skin. i think it was a mix. bed and clothes are usually pretty reliable but his clothes are perfume and the bed is sometimes like.... idk what to say.... old? lol

ah fuck anyways i miss him. i miss him much and i catch myself thinking good about himmm. thoughts i dont want to tinkkkk. thoughts like ”maybe i overreacted, maybe it wasnt that bad”. im actually not hurt anymore, just anxious. for him leaving i guess. or me making a fool out of myself. im just stubborn. i wish he could apologize and if we will continue to see each other i will tell him why. he probably wont agree though and i will have to give up/accept that. because this whole relationship is on his fucking terms

i also realized that i really was desperate before i met him. it doesnt feel like it because now he occupies most of my thoughts bit when i read my precious posts here it was a lot of frustrated feelingd about adoption, racism and my ex. idk..... maybe i’d rather think of him than any of tjat cus that sjit is just sad to read. i guess stjis is too though. so fucking obsessed its crazy

i read smth about bpd splitting and idolizing and devaluating etc which i will get back to later but there was this pattern and i just.... could relate a lot. i either love or hate him. i wish i could see him for who he was. i dont only hate him and im not only being manipulated but i want to believe i actually do like him. i just have a hard time accepting who he is which is sad because in many ways he accepts me for who i am. he even tries to be empathic for me, its just not enough. especially not when he loses his sjit.

bow i feel like i have to appreciate him more again but i never do. and thats the problem with me, i never do. actions before words as he says. i will have to change my my actions. o wonder if hes fond of CBT, cognitive behavior therapy hmmm. my mim is a psychoanalysds so i always thought about that but idk

i do like him. he’s very handsome, i am very attracted to him physically. idk if im just horny bc ive repressed my sexuality for a couple of years or so now lmao but i really could go up to him and ask him to just fuck me honestly. but i want to get to know him better too. and his mom LMAO. no but honestly, i want to get to know him better. especially how he thinks. what he likes, what he diskukes. i want to do things with him and make him things, make him smile, make him relax and make him feel pleasure.

yeah uhhh i almost sucked his dick??? and i really dont do that i dont like dicks esp bot sucking on them thats fucking disgusting but honestly i was just so caught up in the moment and i just wanted him to feel good and i was just so attracted to him so.... yeah. it wasnt for long though cus im insecure and inexperienced and the sex probably sucked for him even though he came idk but i was surprised by myself

i still catch myself thinking of how he can be very cute and caring. he always asked if i was okay, if i was ready or uncomfortavle. that i could always tell him if it was too mich. he did pressure me a little bit to mutual masturvation but he accepted when it didnt work for me. i was so tense tbh. if i had tried a little bit longer it would probably have worked though.

sometimes i want to be close and you can tell the way my bldy communicages. like when we talk over a coffee and his knew touches mine or he takes my hand or let me nudge his shoulder or fuck up his hair a bit even though it obviously annoyed him.

i see myself as a little puppy sometimes. an emo puppy lol. a depressed puppy. and sometimes i see him as my older brother. idk. apprently his mom thought i was like a sister. i neve runderstiod if he meant sister to her or sister to him.... i guess shim?? yeah thats pretty weird considering we were fucking when she was home LMAO omg that was so embarrassing im so awkward ughhhh. i didnt even thank her for the food 😩 until it was time to leave and jo was like ”uh she’s leaving i follow her to the busstop” and she said ”okay bye” and i was like ”thx-for-the-food-that-for-letting-me-stay-goodbye-ily-stay-safe” not really bit basically ugh. and i had/have a cold too so my voice is all raspy and low like morgan freeman abeushwisbso

fuck now i REALLY miss him. its scary when he ignores me. im so used to him messaging me all the time and i know that he and other aspds want wouldnt do something they dont want/gain. at first i was offended by that fact. offended and scared but now i feel flattered. sure i may only be a study ibject to him but hes kind to me. he’s romantic to me instead of just friendly so i guess he finds me somewhat attractive. he pickdd me because he thinks i can give him something? that actually means a lot because i am useless lol and no one ever wants me for anything. i wonder what it is though. my sensitivity only seems to brother him though, and my overthinking. and i overthink all the time im with him. you dont know how mich we fight and bicker. i wish he wanted my love but hes not interested in that. i could give him my love for sure. it would be intense and passionate. the only love he wants is sexual lol not emotional

ughhh idkkkk. i’ll have to find my old adoption documents too to see if im tested for HIV and shit so i can contact him LMAO idk what to do though cus i booked a time to get myself tested bit idk if i want to anymore..... i would do it for him though. worst thing would be if he dissed me because of me not being tested yet. but that wouldnt really make any sense because he actually tried to liggten the mood and make a joke so i guess he actually ”forgave” me. i wonder if he would forgive me for still oushing his buttons and demanding things from him