#ive had a headache for like 2 days now but i wanna write so bad i have so many ideas

[watatsumiis]

ogh starting work on these event asks and lowkey I'm having fun already

[euphoricdr3ams]

as trash as it is. its something very releasing to vent to the internet about my problems than to just write in journal where i basically just feels like I'm talking to myself...

I've been talking to myself so much in my head that i want basically need to share with the outside people. But thats a double edge sword because people are tired and exhausted and have their own shit going on. And if they do have the emotional capacity to deal with me. Its a slippery slope. Like how real can i really be with you. if i say this one thing will i make you upset about something you repressed too.

But I also can't be on a constant zoom call with my therapist either soooooo to the internet I come with all of my problems. :)

I think what im gonna do right now while under the influence is unpack at least one statement via written format that my friends have been screaming at me for months. that if it could just instantly process in my mind what would it be.

She said "I wish you understood that you deserve better than what you think. You are worthy. And i wish you appreciate yourself as much as i appreciate you"

I may have messed up that up but that was the gist of it. Sooooo that was really sweet and honestly lets just start here and maybe we'll come to a realization by the end of this post.

Its kinda telling my first reaction was how i feel like ive been slacking in the friend department and how i wanna just rush and be done with all of this so i can be the bright and bubbly person i knew myself to be.

"I wish you understood that you deserve better than what you think."

I kinda just at here and stared at this statement for about 3 mins. Well on first notice. When i try to repeat that to myself it sounds like nice and definitely some stuff i said to hundreds of people in my life. Permeant and passing guest in this story. But repeating that phrase back to myself just sounds phony.

Like what is so interesting about me that assumes i deserve better. Like at the end of the day, we're all humans so why should i live with this air of what i assume is arrogance that I am immune to the trails of this life and that I who has had such a leg up in this world. Deserve more than someone else who there's no competition has had it way worse. So to everyone else yes to me no. Honestly thats BS. I should give myself the same grace and space as i do everyone else but its like when i try to reach for the empathy string for myself its as if we've run out of thread.

Like if life was a game. Which it is. Then, how can someone who came in with at least plus 2 fuck up so bad. Like at this point. I would just be somewhat happy to finish. Cuz trying to make some sort of rebound or comeback from that sounds impossible so why even try to let that idea sink in your head. So at this point. Just finishing is a leg up. Cuz even that is alot. And its kinda like how dare you like waste the efforts of the people who helped you get to this point. Like its a long history. Your ancestors and the people in your life right now so how could you fuck up. Like you should have been really paying attention when people are sharing their stories. You would have saved yourself so much headache. soooooooooo why should i dream about better. I know im stuck in a toxic thinking trap with that last blurb but like this isn't no healed chronicles. We're basically starting from the beginning and maybe we'll reach some healed state by the end.

I guess since my thoughts are basically below the earth crust. It's hard to imagine better than where i'm at right now. I paused tbh. I let the same song loop twice before really type again. I think theres something below the earth crust and thats about how dark my thoughts are. XD

its not funny. but its also hilarious at the same time. Yea my perception of myself so down. I felt the most full as a person and as a human being when i had my ex. Like i felt like i was better and i could do better and that i was worthy. And its not like he was really all that. Honestly he was a piece of shit. If the two people i have on here actually made it down this far. They could write a 100 page paper on how trash he was and how he doesn't deserve anything good ever again. But that level of anger i cant find it there for him fullly. Most of that resent is back at me for not smacking the dog shit out of him and leaving. He even suggested i do it. and i couldn't. I really loved that man and the thought of doing that even after all that is so bad. I wouldn't forgive myself. I wanna be able to do that but its not there cuz i dont deserve it. ughhh. Like all i can really feel is sorrow that i couldn't be all that he needed and thinking i failed him.

Im really pathetic.

I'm kinda really happy that i'm so lit right now cuz i would be having a whole meltdown.

Like the thought is that, at least he wanted to stay for a while. Most ppl just take an immediately leave. They dont even ask so i should be grateful.

Honestly I think thats part of the reason Why i was so happy regardless of the situation. Also doesn't help I have this song on loop. It about the listener be happy to die right now because they already found their person so they've already peaked. Its like a love song out of desperation instead of confirmation that the other person feels the same.

if i would have died during that relationship i would have said i went out happy. This was how i felt before all the fuckery started. I was so happy with my love and just him that i could have been just happy. He never was. He wanted more as he sucked all of that in the moment happiness i had and turned it into just a depressing mess. Turned it into someone who has so much anxious energy its ridiculous.

Out of the 2323232323233232323232232323232 *many* people i have had sex with at least he wanted to be here :) for a bit until he basically just lied about everything and took off his facade. Then i was tossed out like the trash. its coool i find a way to recover. Even if i have to just :). My way out of this. It's worked a bit up to this point. Why would it not work now...... right? I'm fine. I have no choice but to be.

I was gonna finish this but I'mma need a minute. Maybe that was ambitious of me. I feel a bit panic-y and dizzy so imma just chill for now. Till next time i guess

[super-secret-sick-fics]

ouu yes ive been so obsessed with them (osasuna) recently and there’s barely any fics for them in this department lol i wanted to see something like suna coming to school sick with the stomach flu or something and osamu taking him home to take care of him (i feel like it’s ooc for suna to go to go school if he’s not feeling well so it’d probably be one of those where it gets progressively worse throughout the day) sorry if this is too long haha

Okay!! Thank you for this request. Sorry it took so long. Honestly, I had a lot of fun with this and it ended up being so long, that I’m gonna post it in 2 parts!!

You can totally read either as a stand alone though. Part 2 should be up soon :)

Suna and I have the same birthday, so I actually kinda put a lot of myself into him in this one since we share a star sign lmao. I hope it’s not too ooc for either of them. It’s my first time writing sunaosa!

Sick at School: a SunaOsa fic

Pair: Sick Suna, Caretaker Osamu

Word Count: 3,024

Warnings: vomit & swearing & soft cuddles

Part 2 Here

_________________________________

Suna was confused.

There was a strange gnawing in his gut that wasn’t there when he woke up this morning. In fact, when he woke up this morning, he felt perfectly fine. Maybe he was a little more tired than usual, but he didn’t sleep all that well, so he brushed it off and got ready for school.

But now, he was sitting in class, his eyes burning as he tried to stay awake. It was only Monday and only the second class of the day, but he felt like he’d been at school for days already. On top of the grumbly feeling in his stomach, his brain was muddled, so paying attention to whatever his teacher was saying was taking every bit of energy he could scrounge up.

It didn’t make sense. He slept his eight hours (even if it wasn’t the best sleep), he ate a good breakfast, he was hydrated, there weren’t any tests or games coming up to make him anxious at all. So the unsteady, uncomfortable, unusual feelings he currently felt simply did not make a single bit of logical, rational sense.

And because they didn’t make sense—because there was no rational reason for him to feel that way—he ignored it.

Ignoring it proved to be more difficult than he anticipated as the fog in his brain solidified into a consistent pounding and the gnawing in his stomach started to feel more like his stomach acid was boiling. The sun shining on him through the window didn’t help any, and he started to feel rather warm. By his fourth class, occasional cramps rolled through his body, forcing him to tense every muscle in his body to keep from wincing.

When the teacher finally released them for lunch, Suna folded his arms on his desk and hid his face in the crook of his elbow, ready to take a nap. Within three seconds, he heard the chair in front of him scrape the ground, grating on his ears, and felt his desk shake as someone sat down. He adjusted his head and peeked over his arm to find Osamu staring down at him, his usual bored look gracing his features.

“Yer sick, Sunarin,” he deadpanned and took a bite of his sandwich. Suna blinked at him several times.

Sick? Was that why he felt so weird? But he wasn’t sick this morning. There was no way he would have come to school if he felt bad.

Still, it would explain why he slept poorly. It must be a fast acting bug.

“I guess so,” he mumbled and buried his face in his elbow again.

“Hmmm,” Osamu mumbled. They were quiet for a minute or two before Osamu spoke again.

“Wanna go to the infirmary?” he asked, his mouth full.

Suna looked up at him again and sighed before sitting up. The world spun around for a brief second and he closed his eyes until the feeling went away. When it righted itself once more, his stomach was hurting worse than before.

“How’d you know anyway?” he asked and rested his chin in his hand.

“You’ve been lookin’ bad all mornin’. Wasn’t hard to tell.” Osamu shrugged. His sandwich was gone and he started making his way through the onigiri he most likely made himself. The fact that Osamu could tell he wasn’t feeling well from across the room made Suna blush. Or maybe he had a fever?

“Plus,” Osamu continued, “Tsumu’s home right now with a pretty nasty stomach bug. Threw up all over his bed last night.” He scrunched up his nose cutely, probably remembering the disastrous scene from the night before. Atsumu was never good at being a sick person. Or an injured person. Or a person at all, really.

“Wouldn’t be all that surprising if ya caught it from him since ya slept over at our place last weekend.”

Suna nodded in agreement.

“What about you?” he asked. Osamu shrugged again.

“I’ll probably be spewin’ my guts out by Thursday. Usually how it goes. One of us catches something then the other is sick within the week. We’ve only been sick at the same time a handful o’ times.”

“Mmmm,” Suna nodded and put his head down once more. It was suddenly very difficult to hold his head up.

“Infirmary?” Osamu asked again. Suna shook his head.

“Can’t move,” he whined before he could stop himself. Osamu looked at him with wide eyes.

“W-well, I’ll help ya out, dumbass,” he stuttered and Suna returned the wide eyed look.

“Uh, sure. But finish your lunch first. I can wait. You should eat. Wake me up when you’re done,” he said and closed his eyes.

“Alright. Lemme know if we need to go sooner though…” Osamu said hesitantly and Suna tried to ignore the implication behind the phrase.

Just because Atsumu had a stomach bug didn’t mean that Suna did too. He wouldn’t throw up at school. The increasing nausea absolutely had to be related to the growing migraine that slammed away at his head. He definitely would not throw up at school.

Before he started overthinking himself into a downward spiral, Osamu placed a hand in his hair. Suna was tense at first, but then Osamu started gently scratching his scalp and he immediately relaxed. He was a little embarrassed, honestly. Not because this was unusual though.

Osamu knew it helped Suna with his frequent headaches, so Suna was sure he somehow knew about the incoming migraine. It was just that this was usually something Osamu did for him in much more private settings. He’d do it on the bus on the way back from away games, or in one of their rooms after school or during a sleepover. To be so affectionate in the middle of their classroom was unheard of and if Suna wasn’t feeling so poorly, he’d probably smack Osamu’s hand away.

“Ya got a slight fever there, Sunarin,” Osamu whispered gently.

“Mmmm.”

“Okay. I’ll let ya know when I’m done eatin’.”

“Mmmm.”

Within a few seconds, Suna felt himself drift off.

When he woke up again, it wasn’t because of Osamu.

A violent cramp rolled through his gut and he shot up in his seat, ignoring the startled looks of his classmates. The cramp passed quickly, but left behind a foreboding feeling of nausea so intense it left him paralyzed and glued to his seat.

A second later, he noticed that Osamu was nowhere to be found and his anxiety increased. The situation was becoming increasingly urgent and there was no way in hell he could move or speak without throwing up all over his desk.

His chest tightened and he swallowed back a gag. He needed help. He needed Osamu.

“Suna-kun?” a girl from his class touched his shoulder and he flinched. She withdrew her hand.

“O-osamu—“ he forced out and she nodded urgently and ran away and out the door. Less than a minute later, she came back, Osamu hot on her heels. She pointed to Suna and Osamu nodded before rushing over and stood in front of him.

“Sunarin?” he tried and Suna shook his head.

“Are ya gonna—“ Suna nodded before Osamu could finish his question. The eyes of all of his classmates burned Suna’s already flushed cheeks and as if to let everyone know what was going on, a gag forced itself through his body painfully and he leaned over his desk. He brought the back of his hand up to his mouth and whimpered.

“Can someone bring me a trash can, maybe?” Osamu snapped at their peers. The girl from before nodded and dashed to the corner of the room and dragged the trash can over to Suna’s desk.

Everyone froze again and stared with scared eyes at the situation unfolding. Suna shook with effort, trying to stop the inevitable. He really really didn’t want everyone to watch him throw up.

Thankfully, Osamu had his back.

“Leave?!” He shouted and everyone ran out of the room.

“I’ll bring the nurse, Osamu-kun,” the same girl said and Osamu nodded, but his eyes were focused only on Suna. They’d have to remember to thank that girl later.

“I’m sorry, Rintaro. I finished my lunch and you were sleepin’ so peaceful I thought I had time to go to the bathroom before I took ya to the infirmary,” Osamu apologized and cupped Suna’s face in his hands. His voice was much softer than a second ago. It was the voice reserved for those quiet nights that they spent chatting before they fell asleep. Or on the team bus early in the morning when everyone else was still too groggy to pay attention to them. And it comforted Suna in ways he couldn’t comprehend.

“I feel sick, S-samu,” Suna forced through gritted teeth. The swirling in his stomach grew more insistent by the second and he knew it was only a matter of time before he was leaning over the trash can.

“I know, Rin. I’m sorry. It’s okay. I’ve got ya,” Osamu smiled softly at him and brushed his hair back. He frowned when Suna unconsciously leaned into his cold hands.

“Fever got higher,” he mumbled. Suna gagged again.

“Alright, c‘mon,” he said and circled around the desk behind Suna. Osamu gently grabbed his trembling shoulders and positioned him over the trash can. People’s leftovers from lunch filled about half the bin and the smell of all the different foods made Suna dizzy.

“Rin, ya gotta relax,” Osamu sighed and forcefully rubbed between Suna’s shoulder blades.

“N-no,” Suna said stubbornly.

“Yer an idiot.”

“Y-yeah.”

“It’s gonna feel worse if ya don’t just let it happen,” Osamu tried. Suna shook his head.

“Alright well, be mad at me later, then,” Osamu muttered. Suna was about to turn and look at him questioningly, but Osamu wrapped a hand around Suna’s front and placed it on his stomach. Even the minimal contact forced a wretch that left Suna reeling.

“D-don’t,” he tried, but the request was punctuated by a painful hiccup.

“I’m sorry. Can’t do that,” Osamu responded before starting to rub up and down on Suna’s stomach quickly. The motion shook the contents nauseatingly and Suna couldn’t stop the watery burp that followed. He shook his head, eyes squeezed shut tightly.

Osamu didn’t relent. He started patting Suna’s back with the other hand, forcing belch after belch. The conflicting motions wreaked havoc on Suna’s already chaotic stomach.

They stayed like that for what felt like forever, before Suna grabbed Osamau’s wrist tightly.

“S-stop—hurrk. P-please, Samu. No m-mor—hic,” Suna begged. All of his limbs felt like they were about a thousand pounds and he shivered, cold despite the sun beating down on his back.

“It’s okay, Rin. I got ya,” Osamu muttered. He pried Suna’s sweaty hand off his wrist and replaced it with his hand. Suna squeezed hard when a wet belch jolted his body. His other hand grabbed the rim of the trash can in a white-knuckled grip. Osamu used his free hand to rub gently between Suna’s shoulder blades again.

Suna squeezed his eyes shut when he wretched. His throat felt tight and he tried to swallow the accumulating saliva in his mouth, only for it to come back up with a noisy gag. He opted to just drop his mouth open and let the spit fall into the trash can disgustingly.

“S-Samu—“ he tried but was interrupted by a guttural, wet, burp that left his head spinning. Two seconds later, he wretched and a weak stream vomit dribbled out of his mouth. It burned his throat and coated his mouth. The disgusting taste left him more nauseous than he thought possible and a belch gurgled in the back of his throat. He heaved, but nothing else came up.

“Ah, Rin, I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry,” Osamu shushed him. Suna didn’t even realize he was crying.

He continued heaving for what must have been an eternity before another painful gag jolted him forward and brought with it a torrent of pale vomit into the trash can. At least he didn’t have to see everyone’s discarded lunch anymore. Not that his new view was much prettier.

“There ya, go Sunarin,” Osamu soothed. Suna sputtered and coughed, trying to catch his breath. His body was relentless though, and before he felt like he had sufficient oxygen, he was lurching forward with more forceful vomit pouring out of his mouth.

Suna’s body didn’t let up. It was stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of gasping breaths abruptly interrupted by a fountain of vomit forcing its way out. Eventually, he was just left heaving over the trash can, his stomach trying but failing to expel whatever might be left. Anxiety crawled up his spine and the room spun. He wanted to breathe, he really did. He just couldn’t.

“Fuck, Rin, breathe. Please,” Osamu demanded and his voice shattered through Suna’s panic. He nodded and closed his eyes to try and collect himself. He inhaled through his nose and exhaled heavily through his mouth. A minute or two of that, and he was able to take in his surroundings again.

At some point, Osamu wrapped an arm around Suna’s chest because apparently, his own arms gave out at some point and hung limply at his sides. He spit the residual nastiness out of his mouth and squinted up at Osamu.

“Can we leave?” he asked plainly. Osamu stared at him owlishly and then chuckled.

“It’s the middle of the day Rin, I can’t just—“

“Please?” he all but begged and grabbed Osamu’s arm. Osamu hesitated for the briefest of seconds before relenting with a heavy breath.

“Yeah. Yeah, ‘course. Want me to call yer mom?” Osamu responded. He pulled out a handkerchief and wiped off Suna’s face. Suna shook his head.

“Is it too much to ask if I can stay with you? I don’t want to risk giving this to my little sister and grandma.” His voice was quieter than he wanted, but he was wiped out. He cleared his throat and spit in the trash can. He was fading fast. All he wanted was to curl up in bed and sleep whatever bug this was off.

“Yeah okay. I’ll ask my Ma. Shouldn’t be too much of an issue since Tsumu’s sick too.” Osamu pulled out his phone and massaged Suna’s scalp. It felt so good that he leaned over and buried his face in Osamu’s stomach. If he wasn’t careful, he’d fall asleep here. Hopefully Osamu’s mom would be okay with it and come quickly.

“Ma, can you come pick me and— no I’m not sick— well, if you’d just let me talk ya crazy—Ma I do have a good reason to be call— would ya stop talkin—yer damn right I’m being disrespectfu—Ma!” As Osamu argued with his mother over the phone (it was nothing new) Suna took inventory of his body.

There was no denying he was sick. That much was obvious. His head was pounding and his stomach still rolled and swirled uncomfortably. Shivers danced up and down his body, exacerbated by the sweat that coated his skin. He was sure that he had a fever. All of his limbs weighed him down and he didn’t think he had any sort of energy to move them. It was taking all he had to stay awake right now.

“Osamu-san!” The girl from before returned, the school nurse right behind her.

“Suna Rintaro, you poor boy. Caught that bug going around, I see,” he heard the nurse and pulled his face away from Osamu’s body. Blinking a few times to clear his blurry vision, he sniffed and stared at the old lady in front of him.

She stuck a thermometer in his mouth without saying a word and pulled a water bottle out from her coat pocket. While they were waiting for his temperature, Suna glanced at Osamu, who was now leaning against the desk behind Suna’s. His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose, his other still holding the phone to his ear as he continued listening to his mother rant.

Without thinking, Suna reached over and grabbed a hold of Samu’s shirt with one hand. Osamu looked down in surprise before his face softened and he put a hand on Suna’s shoulder.

The thermometer beeped and Suna winced.

“38.7,” the nurse read and pursed her lips. She pulled out some medicine from her lab coat and gave some to Suna. He grimaced. Even in his hazy state, he knew putting something in his stomach wouldn’t go over well.

“Suna-kun, you need to get that fever of your’s down. I know it’s not ideal, but please try.” Suna turned his head away. She sighed.

“Okay, but make sure you take something at home. Does someone need to call your mother?” Before Suna could answer, Osamu interrupted.

“I’ll take him ma’am,” he said, apparently off the phone with his mother.

“Osamu-kun, don’t you be thinking you can just skip out on school,” she warned.

“I would never,” Osamu charmed, “I think it’s the smartest move, ya see. Atsumu is at home with the same illness right now and so there’s no way I ain’t carrying the germs for it. Wouldn’t it be safest if I go home too? Before I infect anyone else. And I can take Sunarin with me.”

The nurse gave him a skeptical look, but then glanced over at Suna. She noticed his grip on Osamu’s shirt and the former’s hand firmly on Suna’s back. It must’ve made Suna look pretty pathetic because she relented almost immediately.

“Oh fine, fine. Does someone need to call your mom?”

“No, ma’am. Just got off the phone with her. She’ll be here soon. Said she’s got no problem taking Sunarin in ‘til he’s all better.” He squeezed Suna’s shoulder and Suna relaxed knowing he wasn’t at risk of infecting his little sister or aging grandmother. He sighed and smiled gratefully at Osamu.

It was comforting to know that Osamu was going to be looking after him. Because, if the swirling in his stomach told him anything, he was in for a really long night.

[scummy-writes]

Haha...I've been quiet for a Long Time.

Before I get into another update post, two quick things;

1. I'm sorry to folks who have tagged me in posts and etc. I have not checked my notifs in AGES and scrolled and scrolled and saw a few. I'll get to them later today or tomorrow.

2. I'm a lot more active on twitter @ mm_scummy. I just talk about random bs but if you're curious about me Aside from random silences on here and the rare fic, then thats where I'm usually more active.

Okay now its time for big incoherent update where I Pray the readmore function for mobile still works

[[MORE]]

Hi yes hello, I am alive, and much to my disappointment I don't come carrying a new fic. I have one pretty finished, but i have to go through and edit a ton and I realized I was putting a Lot of pressure on myself by refusing to let myself post on here until I finished a fic. Don't ask why i thought that was a good idea for a while but here's me shoving that idea away with an update.

On the writing front: Ive wanted to try writing more than just smutfics and so while on this like...monthish long silence (has it been that long?) I was trying to do that. But, as everyone knows, I have written like 3 fics in the past year. Yeah! Its pretty bad. But because of that I'm extremely rusty. And putting rusty together with 1. Issues with writing I'm still recovering from and 2. Trying to do something Aside from smut, you get a fic thats okay but its not Great.

The only issue is that since I've lost a lot of skill in the past year due to being stressed to hell and back, its the best I can Do at the Moment.

So I'm saying the next fic I publish, if its this one and not me going back to a smutfic, is going to not be great.

Its hard trying to go into genres youre not known for and fumbling around with them when you're recovering with a lot, and then also in the process of trying to regain writing skills you lost since you weren't writing often.

So, uh, awkwardly, my plan is this:

- decide to publish the fic I've been working on after a few edits and accept that its the best I can mentally do atm, or keep it aside and work on fixing it more while I try and start/finish some smutfic wips Ive written down

- regardless of whichever path I do with the first bulletpoint, I'm probably going to be trying to go back into writing smut for a bit. I didn't really want to because its kinda difficult working on smut when you're feeling pretty apathetic often or worried about fucking up the characters, but comparing the smut to a fic of a different genre, theres less to worry about in terms of characterization. Like yeah you still need some but not as much as some other genres may need.

Reason being that is a way for me to keep writing and publishing content (aka working on improving) so I *can* branch out without being so damn anxious as I am now.

Another argument is just writing in private and only showing friends but honestly I have like two close friends who play any of these games and neither are as interested in my fave and I feel guilty as all hell shoving it on them. ThEYRE STILL SUPPORTIVE AND VERY MUCH SO, i just feel bad because thats my Brand

And then if I write completely in private and not show Anyone its hard to slowly find betas to trust to gently tell me issues. My friends have been great betas so far so I know what I need to work on, but like...if it was 100% in private its hard to grow, and I wanna grow

So, theres that! Writing front update.

Real life update: I've had appointments for one thing ir the other for nearly Every Week and I am so exhausted. Works been slammed too so thats another reason for me being quiet, Ive been Stressed.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out, healing has been rough especially since I realized a socket has torn and a shard of bone is Gently poking out, so I cant wait ti set up Another Appointment HaHa.

And I have glasses now! Thats super fucking weirs to me. 24 and having glasses and realizing I've needed them for a While. My visions not terrible but good god the other day I went to watch IT in theaters and i didnt have a massive headache due to the screen being blurry- because glasses made it not blurry! Hurrah!

Ive also had to do stuff with my car and...stuff...and ive just been extremely busy, thats why I went silent. I also found out I can get a therapist through my workplace so I'm working on that, so like. Maybe someday soon I'll talk on here without sounding like a frantic rabbit.

So like ive been stressed but also my stress count has gone down. I've also been doing better at work and connecting to coworkers a bit more. Things are lookin up!

I'm so sorry for being quiet but while I was gone I got like 30 or more followers that Arent pornbots and I'm just ??? Thank you guys but I am Very Sorry if youre looking for content I dont write anymore.

[mytrashs-blog]

Alter Ego ch. 3 “Ipsum Invenies”

Spideychelle, Peter Parker x Reader, slow burn fic, Enhanced reader.

Word Count: 2,158

Warnings: PTSD, nightmares, police being assholes, victim blaming. Mentions of rape and traumatic experiences

Summary: “When you can do the things that I can, but you don’t, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you.”

A/N: third chapter already! I’m really enjoying writing this and believe me that the plot thickens a lot more in the next chapter, but I would love it if you reblogged this if you enjoyed it, because it gets sad when I spent so long writing just for it to get only likes. Anyways, the taglist is still open, and just one ask away. Hope you enjoy this :) xx

Ch. 2 “Organorum” Ch. 4 “Perficiendi”

“You’re not gonna believe this.” you look at your roomate and you can’t believe it yourself, she looks at you corncerned, but she follows when you start walking towards your room. The apartment is made of two rooms, one bathroom and a small kitchen that’s right by the living room, there’s not that much space, but the five steps it took to get to your room door gave you enough time to think about the next thing you’d say: “Okay, you know how almost all the Avengers and superheores these days got their “special abilities” out of some kind of experiment, right? Like, Captain America is strong and super hot because of the weird thing they did to him during World War II, and the same with Winter Soldier. And then Scarlett Witch also got experimented on and stuff, you follow?”

“Yes, but what are you on about? Are you gonna call your parents or not?”

“Okay, so when the uber dropped me, tied and naked in the middle of fucking nowhere, assuming I was dead, someone took me as a lab rat. I woke up in a lab-like bed and they injected some shit on me and it basically made me feel like they set my veins on fire. Then I fainted and they dropped me in a lake because they thought I was dead, but I wasn’t. And I got out of the water. I untied myself and got out of the lake. They did took me to the hospital and they did give me some IV stuff, but when I got there I didn’t have any bruises or wounds or scars from any encounter I faced. And this morning the thing with the lady happened and… Oh my god… I think I…”

“Did you become a superhuman?”

“I think so” You reply while you look at your hands, anxious to unveil exactly what your new abilities are. “Let’s see, we know I might heal fast, I have a danger sensor, the world looks a lot wider and all my senses are like 10 times more intense… how do I know what else is going on?”

“Do you wanna google Superheroes and their super powers?” your roomie asks while taking her phone out.

“Yes, brilliant idea!” You reply as you get closer to her to take a look at her phone screen. The results end up being written down in a list. You get rid of the obvious ones like Ironman, who doesn’t actually have powers, or Thor who is an actual God. Once you get to the enhanced people, the party begins, it’s a funny and interesting scene.

“So Captain Great Ass has over developed muscle tissue and brain, which means he’s like super strong and intelligent… What can you lift to test your strenght?” She says while looking around the room. “Lift the bed.”

“I’ve always been able to lift that.” You’re looking for something harder. “Let’s see if I can lift one of the cars outside!” you suggest while looking at the widow.

“Don’t you care about being seen? I mean, some super people like to keep their identity hidden.”

“Oh, c’mon! I might not even be able to lift it.” But you could, as if it was not heavier than your matress, you lifted the car and you placed it back down before losing your mind. Neither you or your roomie could believe what was going on.

And your day was spent like that until you came up with the definitive list of abilities you possess now. You realized you share a lot of powers with Spider-man: super strenght, adhesive fingertips, the danger sense that made you feel the lady was in risk was very similar to his spider sense and it’s the same that made all of your normal senses shoot up, but besides all that, you also have some hyper flexibility, a slight super speed, and some kind of mind control, but you didn’t get too far with that because it gave you and your roomie a terrible headache.

“Are you finally going to call your parents?” She asks as she hands you a pill for the headache, though it was already going away, you take the pill hoping it’d give you the will of facing your parents and telling them what happened to you, but frankly, it isn’t a thing you wanna talk about with anbody.

“I guess I have to, but I really don’t know what to say.” You put your head in your hands to hide the tears welling up in your eyes, you try to even your breathing to not break in front of her.

“Start by telling them you’re alive and fine. You’ll tell them the rest when you feel ready.” She puts her phone in front of you, you take it and dial your house land line number. It doesn’t take long until someone picks up and you hear your mother’s voice.

“Hello.” She says and immediately, the tears start falling down your eyes uncontrollably, you hadn’t realized just how much you needed to hear your mother’s voice.

“M-mom…” you sob out.

“(Y/N), my little girl, tell me it’s actually you, please.” She says and she’s crying too.

“Yes mom, it is me. I’m fine, I’m home now. I woke up in a hospital, but Sebastian helped me, I’m fine.”

“Oh, (Y/N)! My little girl! I’m so happy to hear you alive and fine. The police told us they were trying to find the body, said there was no chance for you to still be alive, but they were wrong, they were wrong in not trying to find the bastard that did this to you, but God sees everything and he’ll put them in their place. My little girl, I love you so much!”

“I love you too, mom… wh- what do you mean they’re not looking for the driver?”

“No, when we went to press the charges, they turned it around to us, they said a woman had no place being out so late, much less wearing short shorts and thin shirt, that maybe you were asking for it, they said you have a reputation in uni of dating around and they decided it was your fault you got what happened to you.” Your blood boils, not because they said all that about you, but becuase you’ve heard the same crap before, with every case of someone gone missing it was always because they were in the wrong path, they were drinking or doing drugs, they were women traveling by themselves, they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, or they were simply racially profiled. It was never the agressor’s fault, it was always the victim’s responsability. And your parents had to listen to all that bullshit, only because some people are too lazy to do their job.

After making sure that both your mother and father believe you that you’re okay and very much alive in your apartment, you hang up and got out of the place. Your roomate was probably off watching some movie in her room so she didn’t hear you come out. You walk as far as you can, you’re mad, but these new abilities give you a new hope, you might be able to do something with this. Not doing so would give that uber driver and many more perverts free passage to keep abusing inoccent people like you, but it’s not like you can just walk into his house and punch him with your brand new super strenght, because to start with, you don’t even know where he lives, plus you gotta protect yourself now, because what if you go around flaunting your new powers and the people that put them there find you? They’re not the kindest people judging by their modus operandi. Would they come to find you and finish what they started?

You get back home a little before midnight, you walk in peacefully, your roomate sitting in a chair in front of the only table of the apartment.

“Where were you? You can’t keep dissapearing like that, you don’t even have a phone and I really don’t wanna go through the same shit I did two weeks ago.”

“Believe me, I share the feeling more than anyone. I was walking… thinking. You can’t tell anyone about my powers, I have to go back to my normal life with the least amount of fuss posible. I have a plan to go after that bastard driver, but he can’t know it’s me… I need a suit… and to learn how to use all I’ve got.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I don’t want anyone to live through the shit show I had to live through, because it is a fucking hell, Lexi!”

“So what? You’re gonna dress up and go after criminals just like that? You’re crazy if you think I’m gonna allow that, you can’t put yourself at risk like that! You might be very strong and you might be able to stick to walls and all that shit, but you’re not bulletproof, you might get killed. What am I gonna tell your parents? I already had to tell them you might be dead once, I don’t want to tell them for sure that you are!”

“Lexi… I’m not gonna go find him today. I have to train or something. I don’t know how to fight and I don’t know how to control everything I can do, I’ve gotta get used to my new way of perceiving the world and I need a plan. And I might not be bulletproof, but I can make a suit that is, or that at least can put up a fight.”

“(Y/N) are you even listening to yourself? You want to go find some crazy dude that raped you, tortured you, assumed you were dead and dumped you in the middle of nowhere like garbage! You really wanna go after him?

“He didn’t assume I was dead, he did kill me in a way… and I want to avenge the part of me that died tied, naked and humiliated in the dirt, because aparently the justice system in this country won’t do it, you understand? My country didn’t give one single fuck about my wellbeing, to them I deserved to end up like that for going out at night in shorts!” You don’t know how or when you started crying, but the tears felt hot against your skin with uncontrolable sobs and memories you’d rather block from your mind. Lexi, your roomate hugs you and caresses your hair until you relax a little.

“If you have to do this, I’ll help you.”

“Thank you.”

…

Peter had made some progress in his research, had a few leads to follow, this was not the only case, there were some cases going all the way to Mexico with the same characteristics, and there was a full investigation that linked that to one of the most important mafias in the world, but nobody ever knows where they’re located, they have people all over the world, Peter can’t simply drop everything and follow some mafia all around the world, he’s in his senior year of high school, he’s graduating soon, he has MIT to worry about now, plus his relationship with MJ is going steady and they’re going to prom together. He can’t just walk away from all this to put himself at risk of being killed by a mafia so big that is all over the globe, but if he tells Mr. Stark he might end up taking his suit again.

Why not tell him anyway? He can come up with a good excuse as to why or how all this information ended in his hands, he’s a teenger in the 21st century, tech and information are one touch away, right?

“KAREN call Mr. Stark, would you?”

“Calling Tony Stark.” and just a few rings later, Tony answered the phone.

“What’s up, kid?”

“Hi Mr. Stark, I wanted to tell you about some stuff that I read and that I thought you might find interesting, I think it’s got something to do with the experiments.”

“How did you find that?”

“I was doing this essay for my Spanish class and this popped up. I wanted to show it to you in case you want to go do some research to Mexico or something, because I obviously can’t go because I have… homework.” this causes Mr. Stark to giggle, but he didn’t say anything, when the call ended Peter sent all his info, but he still couldn’t stop thinking about the whole matter, how it wouldn’t take long to reach other parts of america, they might be making their way to the south if they already reached mexico, he doesn’t want them to reach any other country. No one has to die anymore.

-

Taglist: @caeruleum-in-caritate-lupus, @softstarkk, @peterparkerbabyy, @dottirose, @legit-fandom-trash, @carostar2020, @appreciating-chase-brody, @mvmakki 

[connors-heart]

to be human: [ch. 4: i wonder why]

playlist - ch. 1 \ ch. 2 \ ch. 3 \ ch. 5 \ ch. 6 \ ch. 7 \ ch.8

[ being a DCPD detective, your job was relatively normal - that is until androids came along, more specifically, RK800 ]

pairing ⟶ connor x reader

fandom ⟶ detroit: become human

warnings/a.n. ⟶ [no warnings] ; quick disclaimer, apologies for how long this chapter took to get out. ive been working the longest shifts these past couple of days aaand this was a really detailed (and long) chapter, but here it is nonetheless. thank all of you for the endless support you’ve given this series, i for sure wouldn’t be scrambling to write if it wasn’t for yall so (≧◡≦) byyy the way, i put together a little playlist of songs that remind me of this fic, and they’re mostly sad so if you wanna listen to it and cry a little feel free.

w.c. ⟶ 3.5k

tags ⟶  @dragoste-lunes - @swagfeatpayne - @erinacg - @thequirkyn3rd - @the-witch-in-silence - @odd-otter - @randomgrove254 - @johnmulaneyslut - @fanworrior - @sophster1881 - @wowowokapowie - @glyxiebear - @snooper1 - @nefelislytherinpride - @madammarkiplier - @losersunitetonight - @ashtonmichaelhoran - @attackonmikaelson - @deviantly-gayy - @yuckybarness - @drastically-here - @100kindsofblake - @di-the-happy-psychopath

Awaking to an all too loud alarm clock, you outstretched your arm, slamming your hand on the snooze button. Along with a throbbing headache came the impending regrets from your decision the night before to believe you could out-drink Hank Anderson.

The attempt to even try to remember what had happened made your migraine even more agonizing. You peeked out beyond your covers to check the time, realizing you had to be at work in an hour and a half, as well as noticing the glass of water on your bedside table, prompting you to remember Connor’s help the night before.

As if on cue, a wave of nausea hit you, causing you to push your feet as fast as they could go to the bathroom, throwing up any remnants of alcohol into the toilet before flushing it down. You grimaced at the bitter taste in your mouth, leaning back against the wall.

“Are you okay, Y/N?” The sudden sound of Connor’s voice filling the room.

You looked up, Connor’s brows pulled in with concern, “Peachy,”

“I made you breakfast, I assumed you wouldn’t have the energy to do so yourself,” he spoke as you went to stand.

A pained expression crossed your features as a wave of dizziness fell over you, immediately leading to Connor rushing towards you as he wrapped a hand around your waist, leading you back to your bed. “Can you get me some Tylenol or something from the bathroom?” you mumbled as he handed you the warm plate of breakfast. The android responded with a nod, making his way to the bathroom once again.

You stuffed your mouth with the food, the sudden question of how Connor even knew how to cook popping into your mind, but not lingering for long. You watched as he sat the pill bottle onto your bedside table before sitting next to you, his weight shifting the bed.

“I also took Cleo out and fed her, she should be fine while you’re gone,”

You nodded, looking over at him, “You’re the best Connor, thanks,”

You noticed the faintest of smiles line his face, making you smile in return. In the slightest of ways, it gave you a warm feeling to see the way Connor would light up upon someone appreciating him and his efforts, knowing that it was a rare instance for him to receive gratitude from others.

There was always a thought that found itself residing in the back of your mind whenever Connor had come around, the thought that maybe these androids had the ability to care beyond fulfilling missions or following orders. That these androids, let alone deviants weren’t as bad as society deemed them to be.

That just maybe, one day, the growing fondness for Connor you continued to dismiss, would have the opportunity to be returned by him.

Fidgeting with the eggs on your plate, you hesitated for a moment before looking back at Connor. “Are you ever gonna tell me what happened back at the cafe?”

He dropped your gaze, his eyes falling to the floor, “I just… froze, that’s all,”

Your brows creased in confusion, “Why?” you pressed.

He paused, sitting in thought before looking back up at you, “I don’t know. I just-... I just felt something. And I didn’t know how to respond to it,” he admitted.

You stared into his eyes, a seeming glimmer of life resting within them. “What did you feel?”

He stared back at you, a cross of something between hope and adoration written on his face. You swallowed down the urge kiss him, knowing whatever you’d been feeling was anything if not irrational.

As for Connor, he would’ve only hoped to know what your lips felt like, if they were as soft as they appeared, if the taste would linger on his own. He would’ve hoped to know what it felt like to hold you against him, to become familiar with the feeling of your warmth, the living beat in your chest thumping against his own.

To know what the feeling of a living being, capable of loving him, felt like at his fingertips.

The sudden sound of Cleo’s barking shook you both out of your trance. A sigh escaped your mouth as you stood, setting the plate on the bed as you grabbed the Tylenol from its spot on your bedside table, swallowing two of the tablets before downing the glass of water.

“I’m gonna go shower get dressed, I’ll meet you downstairs in a minute,”

Connor nodded, making his way to the door as he took his leave.

“Hey, champ,” Hank spoke, the slightest of smirks playing on his lips as both you and Connor approached his desk.

You took a gulp from your water bottle, your obvious restless features saying enough. “Fuck you,”

Hank’s brows raised with astonishment, an amused look still on his face, “Woah, detective. Language.”

Nodding slowly, you bit back a grin as you fastened the cap on your water bottle, taking a few files from the abundant stack on the lieutenant’s desk, “If I die before my shift is over, you’re not invited to my funeral,” you mumbled, making way to your own desk as Hank’s faint chuckles lingered in the air.

Connor’s eyes remained on you as you walked away, watching as you slumped into your chair and flipped through the files. “By the way,” the low grumble of Hank’s voice grabbed Connor’s attention, “Thanks for getting her home last night.” The older man spoke genuinely, something neither Connor or himself were too familiar with.

He nodded, “No problem, Lieutenant.” He watched as Hank glanced over at you, an irritable look on your face as you rubbed your forehead, almost reminding him of himself. “How about you go and help her for the day? I’m more than certain she needs it more than me,” he suggested, nodding toward you.

Connor looked back over at you, almost ecstatic at the thought, before nodding, “Understood.” Hank watched as the android swiftly made his way over to you, no complaints whatsoever. It left him curious. If he didn’t know any better he’d assume the android had a crush on you. Nonetheless, he dismissed it, assuming he was only so keen of you due to your kindness towards him.

You looked up from your paper to see Connor standing beside you, a soft look on his face, “What’s up?”

“Hank suggested I should help you today, since you’re not feeling so well,”

You simply nodded, handing him half of the files before tending the best you could to the papers in front of you. Only at it for ten minutes, your eyes fell heavy, the thump at the back of your head barely residing. After a while, you sat the paper down, rubbing your face as an exhausted sigh passed your lips.

Connor looked up at you, “Are you alright, Detective?”

You shook your head slowly, “No. No I’m not.” you stated flatly, the remark muffled by your hands.

“Is there anything I could get you?”

You peeked at him through your fingers, “Can you get me a coffee, please,” you muttered, earning a stark nod as he stood, making his way to the office break area. It was apparent that Connor’s mind had began to become infatuated with none other than you, so much so that he failed to even recognize he was veering farther and farther away from his main priority - putting an end to the deviants.

He knew Cyberlife had sent him, let alone created him for one serving purpose only, but the few days prior seemed to prove that single purpose wrong. The thought alone simmered in Connor’s head, the possibility that him feeling the emotions and doubts he did were only leading him furthermore towards deviancy.

While in the midst of contemplation and pouring in an abundance of creamer into your coffee, a familiar voice broke Connor’s thoughts. “Well, well, well - look at you being a good ol’ assistant,” Gavin spoke, his footsteps filling the small hum of the break room. Connor turned, a neutral expression on his face as Gavin approached him.

“If you didn’t catch on by now, bringing her coffee isn’t gonna get you between her legs, trust me, I’ve tried,” he chuckled, a hostile look growing on his face, “Plus, I’m uh, pretty sure no real woman wants shit to do with a plastic fuck like you.” He punctuated his last sentence with a harsh push at Connor’s shoulder.

The android rolled his shoulder, unaffected, “If you’ll excuse me, Gavin,” he spoke, picking up the coffee. The detective stepped in front of him, “And if I don’t?” he growled.

“Fuck off, Gavin,” you spat, slamming the door open as you made your way towards the two of them. Gavin’s gaze lingered Connor for a moment, scoffing as he turned on his heel, he looked at you as he backed away from Connor. He raised his arms in defense, “Sorry, sweetheart. I was just having a little conversation with your chewtoy over here,” he turned, glaring at Connor as you made your way over to him, grabbing your coffee.

“Do you ever shut the fuck up? Genuine question.” you asked, your brows pressed together finely as you stared at the man. Ignoring your question, he looked you up and down, noticing the jaded expression on your face. He chuckled, “Sorry - sorry, I, uh - looked at you and for a moment there I could’ve sworn Anderson’s alcoholic tendencies were starting to rub off on you,” he spoke, a grin growing on his face.

You stared at him blankly, watching him laugh at his own joke for a moment before throwing the steaming coffee in his face, discarding the cup at his feet. A howl of pain left his mouth as you left the break room, Connor staring at Gavin in astonishment before making his way to your side.

The usual hum of the room ceased, uneasy murmurs filling the air instead as multiple officers turned their attention towards the both of you, looks of both confusion and shock written on their faces.

“Was that absolutely necessary-”

“Yes.”

Contrary to your blunt answer, you were sure of the fact you’d most likely regret your actions sooner or later. But for now, the only regret you had was wasting your coffee, especially on a prick like Gavin.

Connor watched as you slumped back into your office chair, an evident sigh of annoyance passing your lips as you swivelled in the chair slowly, locking eyes with the many concerned officers in the room. One of those many being Hank, who’d made his way over to your desk.

The two of you locked eyes, a notable confused expression written on the older man’s face, “What the fuck did you just do?” he asked blatantly.

You swivelled in the chair once again, an echoic squeak meeting your ears, “I threw coffee in Gavin’s face,” you murmured, resembling the look of a guilty child.

Hank squinted, staring ahead at you blankly, “Why?”

The squeak of your chair stopped with a halt of your movements as you tilted your head slightly, “You’ve never wanted to throw a cup of coffee in Gavin’s face-”

“That’s not what I said,” Hank retorted immediately. Before another word could pass his lips, the sound of Captain Fowler’s rumble of a voice calling your name shook you out of the conversation.

“In my office. Now.” he spat.

Your lips drew into a hard line, sitting in thought for a moment as you dug your nails into the arms of the chair. Surely he wouldn’t fire you, you were too skilled of a detective for him to let you go over an split second decision, not to mention, a good amount of your colleagues hated Gavin’s guts. It was only a matter of time until somebody lost their patience and put him in his place. It just happened to be you out of all people.  

“Now! Detective.”

You jolted up from your chair, meeting Fowler’s scowl of a gaze, “Do you think he’ll fire me for giving Gavin third degree burns?” you muttered to Hank, turning to him as he raised his brows, glancing over at the Captain, “I think you’ll be just fine, kid,” he reassured, giving you a pat on the back as you trudged into the man’s office.

Connor stood in place, wringing his hands as he watched you close Fowler’s office door behind you, your mannerisms obviously tense as you sat across from his desk, shrugging and nodding in response to every question the stern stained faced man had thrown your way.

“Jesus, Connor, she’ll be fine,” Hank said, watching as Connor’s expression grew more and more worrisome, his brows drawing together as he stared. His gaze lingered on you for a moment more, before darting to the older man beside him, his arms crossed as he looked at Connor with a look of confusion.

“I know,” the android responded simply, peering at you once again.

Hank’s gaze remained fixated on him, shifting on his feet as he tilted his head, a look of contemplation on his face.

“Do you like her, Connor?”

The android whipped his head towards Hank. A scoff of a laugh passed the lieutenant’s lips, the deer-in-the-headlights look on Connor’s face revealing the answer to his question with ease.

Hank ran a hand over his aging face, sighing heavily, “Jesus fuckin’ Christ-”

“No. No, it’s not like that,” Connor quickly spoke.

Hank stuffed his hands in his pockets, biting back the shit eating grin on his face as he prepared his ears for the excuse Connor began to stir.

“I do like her, of course, just as much as I like you. We’re partners,” he explained, earning a squint from Hank. His gaze bounced from Hank’s knowing gaze, landing on the floor as he searched through his thoughts for an acceptable answer, before looking back up at his partner.

“I’m a machine, Hank. I’m incapable of feeling emotions,” he paused, glancing over at you, “I can’t feel anything.” he murmured, his plastered, convincing expression all if not but disintegrating as his face fell.

Hank decided not to say anything, a twitch of sympathy almost crossing his features as silence enveloped the two of them, not lasting for long as Fowler called the two into his office as well.

“Should I be trusting you to drive my car?” Hank asked, a look of worry written on his face. Instead chewing the three of you out for the lack of progress on the case, Fowler wounded up sending you to the scene of a crime where a deviant and a child were spotted the night before.

“If you ask me that again I’m gonna deliberately run over every pothole I see, Hank,” you retorted, clicking on the radio to drown out the silence in the car. A grimace crossed your face as the sound of screaming and clanging instruments filled your ears, immediately changing the station. “Can you explain to me how you listen to death metal and remain sane?” you half teased, throwing a look Hank’s way.

He threw his hands up, “Sounds nice, expresses how I feel inside,” he drawled out sarcastically, earning a chuckle from you.

Connor looked between the two of you, watching as you began to hum along to the song on the radio. It seemed to be Hank’s turn to make a face of disgust, “Dion and the Belmonts?”

You only smiled, tapping your hands on the steering wheel, “I wonder why, I love you like I do. Is it because I think you love me too?” you sang, obnoxiously squishing Hank’s face.

“Please stop,” he groaned, pushing your hands away. Connor watched, becoming lost in the way you smiled. The way your giggles transformed into fits of laughter in response to Hank’s grumpy remarks. The way your nose scrunched up and eyes squinted closed when hitting every note incorrectly, but it was all so seemingly perfect to Connor.

“When you're with me, I'm sure you're always true. When I'm away, I wonder what you do,” you turned to Connor, cupping his cheek as you sang to him. You noticed the look on his face to be the same one from that morning, and along with it came the hopefulness that had settled into the back of your mind, front and center of your thoughts as you locked eyes with Connor.

A groan passed Hank’s lips, “Can you please focus on driving instead of getting all lovey-dovey with robocop over here? For fucks sake,”

A faint chuckle left your mouth as you turned back to face the wheel, singing along to the song as Hank slumped against window, resting his head on his hand as Connor simply continued what he did best, admiring you from afar.

After arriving at the scene and getting a synopsis in full from Officer Collins, you made your way up the street, looking out for anyone that matched the description of the suspects.

A shiver raked its way down your spine, the unrelenting chill of the rain getting to you as you paced down the sidewalk. You looked up to see Detroit’s unforgiving grey clouds, knowing the weather rarely found itself to be in anyone’s favor.

Your thoughts were ruling to be plagued with more than simply Detroit’s weather, as the familiar peaked smile of an android threw your mind into shambles. You were anything if not showered with doubts that’d beaten down every hope you had, but even that wasn’t enough to keep Connor from crossing your mind.

Of course there were plenty of people who found themselves in intimate relationships with androids - no thanks to Edens Club. But a genuine, loving relationship with an android was unheard of. Who knew if any androids, let alone deviants, were even capable of loving. The thought seemed impossible to most - as for you, you’d only hoped it wasn’t.

Suddenly, the feeling of another person colliding into you withdrew you from your thoughts.

“Shit - sorry, I wasn’t-...” you trailed off, slack-jawed as you recognized the woman. It was the android, the familiar child at her practically glued to her side. You looked between the two of them, an obvious look of fear stricken across their features.

Before a word could pass your lips, the woman spoke. “Please. Please just let us go, I’m begging you,” she pleaded, a clear waver in her voice. You looked down at the little girl once again, her grip on the woman’s hand tightening. Blinking, you bit your lip, shaking your head slightly as you thought to yourself for a moment.

“They’re patrolling the whole block, take every alleyway you can find and get out of here,”

Relief flushed over the woman’s face as she nodded, going to turn around before a rushed thank you left her mouth.

You watched as the two hurriedly made their way down the sidewalk before disappearing into an alley. Sighing, you turned around to make your way back to the scene, only to be met with Connor. His eyes distinctly followed the woman and child, his brows drawn together in thought as he processed them to be the suspects.

“Leave it, Connor,”

He didn’t react, his eyes still lingering on the alleyway almost as if he didn’t hear you. Before you could convince him otherwise, he began walking past you and towards the alley. You turned immediately, grabbing his arm, “Connor, stop,”

“They’re the suspects, why are you letting them get away?”

“She has a kid.” you hissed. His gaze lingered on you, a seemingly confused look on his face.

You sighed, “There’s plenty of other deviants we can find and question. But-... not them, Connor. Okay?” You looked up, met with a look of conflict as his gaze fell, focusing on the ground in front of him.

He found himself at odds with his orders, and the yearning feeling to please you. It was as if he was met with a barrier, the demand to fulfill his mission blocking him from the desire to do otherwise. He met your pleading gaze once again, before finally, deciding to break the barrier. Tearing it and beating it until ultimately it disintegrated.

You watched as he blinked for a moment, a sigh passing his lips as he looked over towards the alley.

“Okay,”

[capnebula]

Shine Part IV

BLURB: Will Byers has always been different, but when he has a dream about seven kids who defeated an evil they called IT and suddenly the girl shows up in Hawkins, he is more concerned about what's up with him. He speaks to this girl, Beverly, and with her help he unites The Party with her group, The Losers, to save Hawkins, and perhaps the world, from a greater evil.

UNIVERSE CHANGES: The happenings of IT have been moved back four to six years in order to have the two groups be near the same age. This takes place after the events of IT Part One and Stranger Things 2.

WARNINGS/TRIGGERS: Uhhum nothing I don’t THINK.

SHIPS: Byeler (FINALLY got some soft Byeler in this chapter!!)

WORD COUNT: 1,339

Part I Part II Part III

IV

A week passed and two new ones began before The Party and Beverly heard anything back from the Losers. It was a envelope with six separate letters: One from Bill, one from Ben, one from Mike, one from Stan, one from Richie, and one from Eddie. Each of them had varying responses.

Bill said he'd need to convince his parents in the upcoming months for him to be able to make it out there. Ben had said something similar, but had added that he could convince his mother easier than most. Mike said he wasn't sure; he hadn't ever left Derry and didn't really plan to, but he'd consider talking to his family. Stan was skeptical he could, but if Bill was able to his chances would likely rise. Richie's response was simple, he'd go regardless of what his parents said. Eddie figured he could get his mom to let him go since he'd stood up to her more and more recently.

There was seven months to correspond and figure out how many of them would come. Bev wrote back immediately, and Will made sure everyone else did the same to include in her envelope. They did, and it was sent out the day they got the letter. Another two weeks and the Losers had sent another response, and so the pattern continued. Sometimes there would be less letters than the next, but almost every time everyone had written a response. They started to get to know each other, and when two months had passed and four sets of letters with each group, they felt as though they'd known each other for years. Will and Bill’s telepathy conversations continued as well, though mostly to let each other know when the letters had sent and been received. There had been a time they talked so long that they got headaches so bad it made them lightheaded. Will passed out and everyone freaked out. Bill got sick and ended up having everyone who saw convinced he'd gotten drunk. They agreed to keep conversation to a minimum after that, and instead wrote each other in their letters. More correspondences between the groups led from November to April. There were two months before summer, when the Losers hoped to come out to Indiana. Bill, Ben, Richie, and Eddie had their trips on lockdown. Stan was still working on it, as was Mike, but it was not for lack of trying. They had continually talked to family about it.Stan finally pulled the trump card. “Bill’s going…” His father liked Bill, and he knew it. He may be a Jew, but that didn't mean he wasn't a manipulative person when he needed to be. And this, going to Indiana, was a need; nearly everyone else was going. He needed this. “I'll think about it.” was his father’s reply. Stan knew that meant he'd get a last minute yes.Mike was about ready to run. He'd never left Derry and neither had most of his family, but he knew that everyone else was going to go, and he'd be alone all summer. His uncle, though, was a stubborn man, and convincing him that it was important was near impossible. “If I can't go with your permission, I'll go without, uncle, and I can't promise I'll be back,” he'd threatened finally.  That was all it took.

It was the last week of May now, and when Will started missing days of school more frequently, people started to get concerned. Mike, of course, was the one who went to the Byers’ house each time the boy missed. This was the third time this week, and it was Thursday. Mike knocked on the door, waiting for an answer. It was Joyce, who had taken the day off of work to make sure Will was okay. “Mike; I was wondering when you'd come. Will's not good. He keeps asking for you,” was the first thing out of her mouth as she beckoned him inside. Mike wasted no time going to Will's room. Will looked pale, like he could collapse at any moment. Mike sat on the edge of his bed. “Hey, Will. Your mom said you were asking for me. Are you feeling okay?” “N.. Not really,” His voice was quiet; frail. Mike sighed quietly. “I think… I think the bad things know it's almost Summer. Have any more letters come?” “Just one. People asking how you were. Stan said he'd be coming. The other Mike did too,” Mike replied. “That's… Good. Could you lay over here or come closer? My ears… Everything… Not working right,” He laid down, making sure to face Will so he could hear him better. “This good?” “Yeah,” Will nodded slightly, “Good,” “You better make it through this, Will. Last time was… Too close. I don't wanna lose you; you're my best friend after all,” Will turned his head to look at Mike and smiled. “I'll make it, Mike, I promise,” “Just wanted to say I hope you're okay. School ends tomorrow for us. We’ll be there in a month,” Thanks, Bill. I'll hold out until then. “Bill just told me they'll be here in a month or so,” “That's soon. Good,” “Yeah,” Joyce came into the doorway, ad Mike turned to look at her. “Your mom called. Said she wants you home soon,” Joyce said. “Okay,” he turned to Will. “I have to go. I'll be back tomorrow.” “Bye, Mike,” Mike paused before sitting up. Once he was sitting, he leaned down and very softly kissed Will's cheek. He wasn't sure why he did it, but he did. “Bye, Will,” With that, he left the Byers home and biked to his house.

“Hey Loser,” A redhead was biking next to Mike. He laughed for a moment, but quickly became somber again. He still cracked a joke, though. “Aren't you the Loser here?” “I mean, yeah, but you totally stopped by your boyfriend’s house again today so you're a sore loser,” “My what?” Mike asked, slipping up for a split second. “Your friend,” Bev tried to cover up her mistake, but giggled and gave herself away. “Pretty sure you said boyfriend, which he is not. We're just really, really good friends who've known each other a long time,” “Sure,” “Never mind. What brings you this way?” “I was biking for a breath of fresh air and happened to see you,” she answered, pushing harder on the pedals of her bike as they started up a hill. “Oh, alright,” “Headed home?” “Yeah,” They were silent after that. There really wasn't much to talk about, and any time Will wasn't okay Mike seemed to quiet down a lot, leaving even less conversation than before. Beverly knew he was anxious for the Losers to get here; he probably hoped that they would know what to do for Will. “Will told me they'd be here in a month,” Mike said to her as they neared his house. She knew who he meant immediately. “Really? That's good,” she replied. They stopped by the Wheeler’s mail box. “Yeah. I gotta head inside. Bye, Beverly,” “Bye, Mike,” He walked his bike around the house and came inside through the basement, like he had started doing out of habit. Once inside, he sighed. “Mike, is that you?” his mom called. He could hear the steps as she came down to see. “Yeah, mom, it's me,” he responded just before she came into view. He rubbed his eyes just in case he'd started tearing up; he wanted to be alone and if his mom saw him upset she'd be constantly checking on him every moment he was home. “I'm gonna head up to my room until dinner. I have some schoolwork I didn't get done and I'd like to try and write some more of our next DnD campaign, even if I don't know when our party is getting together since Will's so sick,” “Alright, honey. If you need anything let me know,” “I will,” he said, knowing he'd already not done so.

[undeademoprincess]

82 Truths

rules: once you’ve been tagged you’re supposed to write a post with eighty-two truths and then tag twenty-five people.

tagged by @hoseokjinns bruh this has been sitting in my drafts for how many eons????

name: Dawn blood type: b nickname(s): Celeste (cousins mainly) and then anything else is adding an e or i sound to the end of my name (tho i have noticed dawners is a frequent name) r/s: dead inside zodiac sign: libruh pronouns: she\her favorite tv shows: dude, i havent seen any tv shows since i was 8, that was well over a decade ago. i collect the dvd/blurays of tv shows but not often. my mother and i are really into futurama but other than that its usually animes that i collect long or short hair: literally lopped my hair off myself like 3 days ago height: 5′5″ do you have a crush on someone: if fictional characters count then yes, the husband list keeps growing and i need another closet to shove them in but real life im fighting a “battle” what do you like about yourself: i have yet to be called annoying or that im an ass to those i love and i support them with all i can, so ive got that going for me right or left handed: right, tho i am ambidextrous over weird ass shit. like gymnastics im left dominate in??? idfk either man list of three favourite colors: literally any color associated with fall/autumn and ill be a happy camper

right now: eating: just ate a cracker that had peanut butter on it cause im munchin hard drinking: sweet h2o man i’m about to: probably go to bed or i might work on my drafts for my writing blog, havent decided yet listening to: a mix about cats, love, breakfast and being tired by in love with a ghost (on youtube) kids: hell no, unless i know i can support the damn thing with all i can while living comfortably along with someone i KNOW wont leave both me and the kid and help me then maybe, but its still a really strong no. pets are fam tho, so technically i have like 5 kids already get married: down for that, annoying someone all the time as a “job” sounds fun, especially if we get late night adventures and do weird ass cooking class shit for fun. ITS IN THE CONTRACT YA KNOW career: i really want to travel the world and get paid to do so, but at my own pace

most recent: drink: water????? idk what you want from me man im a thirsty hoe for livin phone call: been on discord all day today with 2 of my best friends and listening to music with my bot the other half on it song you listened to: lauv reforget (literally just came on) 

have you ever: dated someone twice: no been cheated on: nope, and im not the type to let them get away with it if they ever did kissed someone and regretted it: no lost someone special: yes been depressed: yes, began at a very young age due to the death of my father. literally had a midlife crisis when i was 4 cause of his death been drunk and thrown up: hell no kissed a stranger: no had glasses or contacts: glasses had sex on the first date: no, not really my thing broken someone’s heart: i think so, never really ask how they felt about it afterwards turned someone down: yuuuup cried when someone died: yes fallen for a friend: mmmmm, not really??? i usually crush on an acquaintance and my friends drag them in and somehow become friends later??? 

in the last year have you: made a new friend: uuuuuh, maybe 3??? i dont like leaving my house nor do i like wasting my time on strangers, especially if theyre rude fallen out of love: yeah laughed until you cried: many times, MANY FUCKING TIMES met someone who changed you: uh, i think so??? idk, i kinda find my own flow in life and people either respect it and enjoy the ride with me or fight it, and i dont have the energy to deal with pointless shit found out who your true friends were: ooooh yeah found out someone was talking about you: humans talk, its natural. i dont really do anything but i can see why someone WOULD talk shit if thats what this is asking about kissed someone on your fb list: ew no

which is better: lips or eyes: eyes hugs or kisses: hugs, i like being warm shorter or taller: both have pros and cons romantic or spontaneous: both? both sensitive or loud: idk what the fuck this is asking about but if its about being around people who are loud or sensitive then neither, im sensitive to headaches so loud people irritate me and trigger the pain and ive had bad experiences in person with sensitive people where they dont leave me alone and wind up stalking me???? i love being alone so neither hookup or relationship: relationship troublemaker or hesitant: one can be kinda fun but also a pain in the ass if they get you into trouble a lot and the other might not be as constantly fun per say but at least you shouldnt be in trouble as often 

first: best friend: Samantha surgery: thankfully nothing yet sport i joined: badminton  vacation: everything my parents did was while i was literally an infant soooooo yeah, greaaaaat memories

do you believe in: yourself: not all the time, but i rely on myself more than anyone else. i dont trust anyone for shit when i know damn well i can do it myself and know that if something goes wrong i myself fucked it up and can probably fix my mistake miracles: yes and no, i believe theres a reason for things to happen the way they do, and there are times i see it as miracles love at first sight: i believe in attraction at first sight, not immediately seeing someone soul or some shit heaven: im more for reincarnation and spiritual aspects in life and death

extras: how many people from your fb list do you know irl: 90% of them do you have any pets: im not counting my outside pets because there are too many to even keep track of to count so my children are 5 cats, toto my conure, oz my dog, tubby my gecko, and a beta fish and a catfish do you want to change your name: if i ever did, which i dont want to do, it’d be either Celeste or Aurora (my mom actually debated on calling me aurora after like the disney princess if you will and funny enough shes always been my favorite princess) what did you do for your last birthday: 2 of my friends kidnapped me and took me to dinner and we drove around and looked at interesting things. this years its during ren faire and im so damn happy what time did you wake up today: 9 pm. im sick atm and its really fucking up my sleep schedule  what were you doing last night at midnight: just got out of a call with one of my best friends and sat on my own server for a bit chillin with my music bot before my other best friend joined my after like SIX HOURS, DAMN YOU SIMON something you can’t wait for: ren faire, getting married cause then i get to sweater slap someone and get away with it, and being comfortably happy in life last time you saw your mom: a few hours ago? i went to the kitchen to get my cat to love on her and saw her then what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i had more determination to see things through and not be scared to take the leaps to see it through have you ever talked to a person named tom: i worked in retail, so probably what’s getting on your nerves: a lot of things, mainly petty things. kinda wanna cut a toxic person out of my life but we all know thats easier said than done especially seeing how he talks to literally all of the people i talk with on a daily basis save one soul and he treated her like shit when he talked to her sooo yeah, dunno wtf is his problem but im tired of being the object of his frustration and anger, idk how the rest of my friends deal with his shit but im just so damn DONE

man im not taggin 25 people. if youd like to tag me as a “i found it from so and so” then go for it man, let youre dreams run free friend. im just a lazy sack of shit and am tired and im amazed im still up and that its TAKEN ME A MILLION DAMN YEARS TO DO THIS IM SO SORRY LEANNE

[lymanjosh]

do you have any tips on bringing up ADHD to a therapist? I desperately need help for it but I don’t want my concerns dismissed because stuff like adderall is heavily misused :(

i had like two pages of an answer for this (and it was coherent, even, if you can believe it) and then i refreshed the page like a dumbass so this is take 2, which is Less Coherent and im sorry but theres nothing i can do about it

so im not an authority on the subject or anything, and i don’t know your situation, and also ive been diagnosed for like 2 weeks, so you can pretty much take everything i say with a grain of salt. what im gonna do is im gonna run through my own experience / what i wish i did differently / what im doing now, and i hope it helps, and you can totally feel free to come back if you wanna talk more at all once im finished!! and i really hope that at least something i say here is of help to you

also this is gonna be rambly and im sorry about that but i don’t know any other way to be. im gonna preemptively forgive myself because youre like me so you get it but im sure it’s not easy to read so for that i apologize.

tldr: know concretely why you think you have ADHD and what treatment options you want to pursue, do like 3 times more research than you think you need to do, write down all your symptoms in advance, cite your past history of mental health treatment if you have one, and try not to worry too much. if your therapist is any good at their job they’ll know you’re not just drug-seeking, and they’ll recognize the symptoms and problems you discuss when you bring them up in the context of ADHD. probably you’ll be okay, and you’ll get the treatment you need.

so i spent most of my teen years in a drug-addled haze. i was depressed and anxious because i couldn’t Fucking Do Anything, and my parents were worried so they took me to the doctor, and the doctor was worried so she sent me to another doctor, and this continued for a long time and i was on like 4 different antidepressants and 4 different antipsychotics and also some anti-anxiety meds between the ages of like 15 and 16. it was heavily traumatic and also not fun, and the reason all this happened was that nobody stopped to think that maybe i might share some genes with my dad, who has been diagnosed inattentive since before i was born.

right off the bat i should have been way more up in arms about self-advocating, which is something you’re clearly doing, so that’s awesome and you should give yourself a pat on the back because that’s really difficult in the mental health industry especially when you’re already fighting your own brain on most things. 

hopefully you haven’t been through a wringer of false diagnoses and nonsensical prescriptions, but if you have, then you can guilt your doctor a little bit. “i was traumatized! i was given dangerous psychoactive drugs during a critical phase of neural development! you have to give me stimulants to atone for your sins!” phrase it exactly like that, it’s like a silver bullet. in all seriousness if you ahve past diagnoses of anxiety or depression or anything to do with emotional dysregulation that can help your case, because you can point out that a) these things are common misdiagnoses for adhd, and b) the symptoms for these things logically emerge from things like emotional hyperarousal and rejection-sensitive dysphoria. 

what i should have done, and what i think you should do, is write down your symptoms in advance, because then you won’t have to spend an hour hemming and hawing and trying to thnk of them all in the doctor’s office. i did not do this. it didn’t prove to be a problem because my doctor was kinda irresponsible but i really should have done this, just for my own benefit.

when i actually brought it up to my doctor that i might have adhd i had a couple different things going for me. i was talking to my GP, and not my therapist; im not in therapy (which you can probably tell) because therapists creep me out, but i think physicians are probably more inclined to throw drugs at it than therapists are. my GP was also brand new to my case– i had never even met the guy before. i mentioned my history of mental health treatment, and i also mentioned my dad being diagnosed, and im also a girl (girls are chronically underdiagnosed and extremely likely to be misdiagnosed with either anxiety or depression), so i had some concrete facts to support why i had suspicions. i had also done a shit ton of research beforehand, so i advise you to do that– know concretely why you think you have adhd and what treatment options you want to pursue.

you might benefit from talking about it with your doctor before your therapist, but idk that might just be my fear of therapists talking. i think a doctor is less likely to want to taco bout it than a therapist but that may just be my specific experience– you know your situation better than i do. and admittedly a therapist is more likely to, like, Know You and know what you’re talking about when you say (for example) that you’ve always struggled with emotional dysregulation, or whatever.

something else that might help you– i wish i had done this not because i don’t want to look like a drug-seeker but because i Miss Coffee– is to bring up non-stimulant treatments like strattera (for adults) or kapvay or intuniv (both for children but sometimes prescribed to adults) because it’ll show you’ve done your homework and it might be a point against writing you off. stimulants are usually the first resort for adhd, so it’s highly likely you’ll end up on adderall or another stimulant, but it’s good to bring up as an option. might also be good to research it as a serious course of action, especially if you suffer with anxiety, because stimulants are likely to make you more anxious.

i would also advise you not to fixate on adderall? idk enough about your situation to know if you’ve done that but it’s good to be open to other medications and treatment plans bc if adderall doesn’t work for you it doesn’t work and there’s not a ton you can do about it. you should for sure read up on other treatments– you might find one that sounds more appealing, or at the very least you’ll know what to think if your doctor brings up another one unexpectedly.

so i brought up to my doctor that i might have adhd and he immediately plonked a questionnaire in front of me. i filled it out (spoiler alert most of my answers were “often”) and he was like “oh this is textbook, let’s get you on adderall” which like WHAT. i didn’t even ask about adderall. like im not gonna argue with you but let’s talk about this first before we break out the stimulant medication. but i’ve been on it for a couple days and no major side effects yet so maybe he was right who knows. anyway he was super irresponsible don’t let your doctor just prescribe you meds at random go through the side effects. always ask about the side effects. i get such bad headaches after it wears off. i have one now and its Bad. 

but as an addendum you should for sure be prepared to use other coping mechanisms. i’ve started using a bullet journal since i was diagnosed which i’ve found works really well, and youtube channels like howtoadhd are really helpful to me!! i try to use the meds sparingly because i Don’t Like taking pills and also bc adderall can be habit forming, and because i hope to eventually be able to function without it, and i advise you to think of it the same way. drugs don’t have to be a permanent fixture in your life– you can use it as a temporary tool while you build up the necessary coping mechanisms and mental pathways to function without it. adhd isn’t broken brain, it’s just brain on hard mode, if you know what i mean. i try to think of the meds as training wheels– i learn to function with it, and then i gradually learn to function without it. so idk if that’s a useful way to think about it for you but to me it feels more hopeful than resigning myself to a lifetime on more drugs. idk. 

but even if you’re okay with that, adderall isn’t gonna make you functional (it might. kinda feel like you’re magically functional. that’s how i feel right now, that is to say when im not headaching.) so you have to have systems in place to make it easier for yourself. some kind of productivity app might help ig (i used ike for like 3 days and then my phone died and i forgot to charge it for a week because that happens to me sometimes, but i liked ike!) but i like analog todo lists. feels good checking stuff off. either way is good though. 

also get your phone to send you alerts. also rearrange your stuff. like, make the world around you conducive to your functioning. do your best to create and live in a space that enables you to do the things you need to do. get accommodations at school if you need to (i haven’t done this and can’t tell you how but there are a ton of online tutorials and you can probably just google your school + accessibility, or something, and that’s assuming you even go to school)

but yeah i hope any of that was helpful to you and im sorry to make you do 1 million hours of deciphering my shitty informal writing style and i love you and i want to help you please come back and let me know how everything goes bc im gonna worry about you otherwise

[juhneenteagues]

update: 5/27

haven't updated in damn near a month and a half bc I'm trash even tho I told myself to make at least one post a month..

pretty much starting on this past Friday (5/24) at like 2:30am I was puking my guts out after feeling weak and sick for at least 2hrs prior to vomiting.. still went to work Friday morning at 9:45am, had a short shift of only working until 1:45... bitch couldn't make it. lol I felt so tired and I still felt sick ugh I went home (left work) halfway thru my shift...(which reminds me bitch pls put in that other 2 hours on ESS before it's too late and u don't get paid fo that)

next day saturday (5/25) i probs woke up at my normal early hour of like 7 or 8... gramps and I did a couple of errands that he wanted to get done, got back to the apt, showered around...12 or 1pm and I after that shower I slept and slept bc I was so damn drained ugh then we went out for a few hours bc Twin was having her party and although I didn't really wanna eat bc I wasn't that hungry I ate a little food and had 2 (second one was my choice lol) daiquiris. I did gag a little but at least I didn't vomit at all that entire day

yesterday (sunday 5/26) i was feeling still tired and stuff but I ate much more than I had the previous 2 days. J and I went out for brunch buffet and I had 2 plates of food and 4 mimosas (mimosas with pineapple juice taste the best over orange and cranberry). I actually did gag a little cause honestly that 4th mimosa was a bit overkill but I didn't throw up again although I came v close

mmmm after the comedy show we got burgers at westport flea market and it wasn't bad.

today (monday 5/27) after not having work practically all weekend today did yet didn't feel like a long day. it was hooooooooot af in that fucking store ugh I was dying even tho I had my water bottle. I felt fine the first half of the day. J made me breakfast before he went to work at around 830 and it was actually a lot lol but I ate everything. Halfway thru my shift tho I felt nauseous and tired just like I did on Friday😭 and I thought i was going to puke at least 3 different times.. I actually did burp about 3-5 times and I basically threw up a little in my mouth to which I just swallowed it back down which is fucking gross but idk ugh. at one point, sometime between 6-630 I stood up straight up answer a customer's question and got suuuuper dizzy 🙃😩 I had to pause for a sec. after that between 630 and when I clocked out for work I felt tired like I needed to sit and nauseous and like shit basically

the time is now 11:43 idk how long ive been writing this post update but ha ha u threw up again about 35mins ago 😊😊😊 so I feel fantastic and can't wait to go to work tomorrow and am looking forward to not eating for the next day or two

on this day im literally four and a half months in with this birth control and nowwwww the side effects of fatigue, nausea, headaches wanna show up now. On top of the daily (light) bleeding ive been dealing with for...shit idek how long now maybe 2-3 months. ugh I just hope this phase of nausea and tiredness goes away quickly and I hope when I reach my six month time this fucking bleeding stops. highkey it could last up to twelve months like ???? I don't need that negative energy in my life ugh so im 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿 but who knows.

that's p much it I know this shit was long af oh well it's for me to remember and keep track of anyways

edit 20mins l8r: today is not my 4.5mon mark lmaoooooo that was actually like damn near a week ago 💀 not that anyone is gone check me and my facts lol but yeah the 27th is 4 months 19 days later if we wanna be exact and if we're really being nitpicky and technical since it's after midnight it's 5/28 so im 4mon20days in now

k im annoying myself bye

Note to self

ive had my nexplanon implant for 18 days now, if I can do math. (01/08 aka 13 days b4 my 22nd bday)

I feel like, especially within the last week, I’m always hungry 😭 the last thing I need to do is gain weight bc of this damn bc. Am highkey hoping to drop some weight and clear my skin up if God loves me 😩😩

dec’s period was the 26th-30th.. according to my period app 🙄🙄 (which i downloaded I think maybe early-mid dec?? bc ive never used one before) my jan period was supposed to start on the 23rd.. it’s the 26th… I’ve been cramping (they don’t hurt, but I can just tell that there’s something goin on in my pelvis region) tho since like the 22ndish, or maybe the 20th or 21st idr… This damn bc has probs thrown off my shit.. (im saying this and watch I start fucking bleeding tomorrow)

Sighhhhhh

Also I feel like I get randomly annoyed and irritated but I was already v moody before the damn bc so idk if it’s me or the nexplanon.. mmm

Hopefully I’ll remember to come back to this post in like a month and update myself

I already know although it’ll probs be v v minimal, I do not wanna be spotting for like 6+ months. Can I just skip to not having periods pls n thnx??

Also I feel like at random times my left arm where the bc is feels weird… mmm

umm p sure that’s all the random not-even-three-weeks-in update I have on no-babies-for-three+-years-solution so ye @me pls remember to check back by feb 1 just for the menstrual purpose and then again at the end of feb pls n thnx

[x4f0wrcg-blog]

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[gothjjk]

how are you dealing with jjong passing away are you doing alright? 😥💗

ty for your concern!! i am doing better than when i first heard about it but im still not 100% okay, nd dont think i’ll ever be, i hope ur doing ok tho !!!! 💕

also u can ignore whats under the keep reading part i just need a place to write about how ive been dealing with it all just so that i can keep it somewhere for myself its boring nd long nd not worth reading

i remember opening tumblr after coming home from work and seeing a few sad posts/edits about shinee but i was scrolling pretty fast nd not reading through posts properly and the first thought i had was that shinee had disbanded (which, looking back, i now hope that was actually the case instead of what happened) so i clicked on a mutuals blog to find out what the fuss was about and i saw an ask saying what happened? and they answered that jonghyun passed away and i. didnt believe it i didnt want to believe it it hadnt been confirmed yet by sm at that time so i was like okay this is fake he is alive and safe but after a few minutes the news about him passing away turned out to be true yet i still didnt fully believe it i started crying so hard i was hyperventilating and all i didnt know what to do i dont think i even remember what i did after that i was just full on in a hysteric crying mode i went through tumblr some more hoping thatd help calm me down but seeing all those posts about him talking about how he’s gone made it all worse i just closed my laptop turned off all the lights and started listening to all the shinee songs on my phone and every time i heard jjong’s voice my tears woudlnt stop coming i think i cried for two hours more after that and stopped, i didnt eat dinner i had no appetite at all my head felt like it was going to burst and i actually really wanted to kill myself i didnt want to be alive any more i didnt want to live when he wasnt either it was a really bad night for mei just took some sleeping pills and hoped for the best. the next morning that i woke up my eyes were so fucking swollen i looked so bad had the worst headache and had to go to work which i was looking forward to a bit cuz i thought it would take my mind off of this all especially since i had to work for 8 hours three days straight and i gotta say working did help distract me even though i was feeling dead inside it did help a bit to not actively think about him and destroy myself even more i also had to work at the asscrack of dawn and i could still see the stars when i was walking to work i started tearing up staring at them thinking about jjong again i will think of him every time i look up at the nightsky now. that day i also couldnt listen to any shinee songs anymore when tell me what to do came on shuffle i got so fucking mad even though thats my favourite song of theirs i skipped it and put on another song i really could not deal with it its a wonder i didnt burst out crying at work tbh i also had the worst migraines this whole week and felt sick and nauseous all the time this really took its toll on me i’m exhausted. i also took a break from tumblr, actually i was tempted to delete my acc since i couldnt get myself to think i would ever be able to post happy things again but idk, anyways that didnt help immensely i think tiring myself out by working a lot helped i also saw my friend whom i hadnt seen in like 2 months today we hung out and chilled and it was rlly nice being with him so that distracted me as well also i started istening to jjong’s songs and his voice has been very healing and soothing i feel like he’s still here with us i think i still dont want to believe that he’s actually gone like when i watch videos and see him have fun in them or when i see pictures of him or when i hear his voice and laugh it really doesnt sink in that he’s not here anymore when i can experience his presence like that i dont think he will ever fully be gone from this world he still lives on especially in all of our hearts and i think coming to terms with that is important this is also the first time that someone i love passed away so i didnt know how to deal with it at all especially since i love jjong so fucking much he was and still is so important to me i wanna thank him for everything that he has done i still feel bad knwoing that he had to suffer and that i couldnt do anything for him but i think just as we dont want him to suffer he doesnt want us to suffer as well so as hard as it may be we should live our lives in thebest way we can and show him how much he meant to us i willnever forget about him and my heart will always feel heavy because of what happened but i think the love i have for him is stronger than the sadness i feel and thats realy important or maybe i’m just bullshitting but thats okay too i think if i killed myself here right now he wouldnt have wanted that not that he knows me or cares about me specifically or anything but im sure he didnt want to cause this much sadness and hurt and as much as i would like tp say that he’s happy now and that he’s watching over us in heaven i dont believe in the afterlife so i wont say that but i do believe that he’s watching over us his energy is still present in the world and i do like that thought hes still here with us he still loves us and we still love him so jjong, i thank you, i miss you and i love you from the bottom of my heart.

[deadmantalking117]

HURTS SO GOOD!

With all due respect to Johnny Cougar. I'm not really familiar with this sensation. Love the song Mr. Mellencamp.. but my hurts are pretty damned bad. This is a tough one to write. It's hard to describe pain to someone else. You have your own pain. You know how bad you hurt. But how can I possibly understand what you're feeling? As empathetic as I think I am. I can't feel what you feel. You certainly don't want to feel what I feel. But it's so important that when you have to go to a doctor or hospital, you can adequately convey what's happening to you. Whenever people ask me about Crohns disease, I try to make it relatable for them. Remember the worst case of stomach flu or food poisoning you've ever had? You're on the toilet non stop. The diarrhea, the vomiting, how SICK you feel all over? I call that "Tuesday " That's an average day for me... then some days is goes right off the rails. Crohns attacks, like most bad news, usually comes in the middle of the night. No idea why. It starts with waking up from a dead sleep. When I went to bed.. I was fine (ish). Now its 3am and the show's about to start. First I usually have to go.. right now. It goes from 0 to 60 in seconds. I was unconscious 10 seconds ago.. now I have 10 seconds to get on the toilet or else... clean up on aisle 5 ! But usually I make it just fine. Gonna need to clean the toilet AGAIN. But I made it. Except that there are actually 2 directions your stomach empties from. And it wants to be empty.. really badly. So the vomiting starts. I have several different meds to help with vomiting.. but once the show starts.. it's too late. I take a pill.. it comes right back up. My guts are pissed off. Somethings gone wrong down here and we're abandoning ship! Unfortunately your stomach or gallbladder don't care about that.. They're doing their jobs cranking out acid and digestive juices, and they are now going in to overdrive doing so.. it's a party! In very quick order I've gone from being blissfully asleep to a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. The vomiting is relentless. Even when not much comes up. Its crippling, every muscle in your abdomen is dedicated to getting those few drops of whatever OUT! Kat rolls over. "Are we going?" My beautiful wife has been through this hundreds of times over the years. She's sound asleep. Gotta get up for work at 6am. But instead its 3am and there a circus performing in our bedroom. I promise I'll tell you more about this amazing woman as we go. But thats a different story for another time. She gets up, gets dressed.. gathers some things. I'm in my sweats and tee shirt. Soaked. But no time to clean up. Thing are unraveling fast now! She loads me into the car. I have my emesis bag. My puke bag. Its half full already. By the time we get to the E.R. it's mostly full. She pulls up to the front door and I get out and stagger to the front desk.. she goes and parks. I can barely walk. I'm doubled over. I cannot stand straight.. it's not physically possible. The nurse at the desk grabs a wheel chair and in we go. First.. new bag. This ones kinda full. Next- Intake. Information.. vitals.. paperwork. All while I'm slumped over in a chair puking into a bag . Fortunately, being a frequent flyer means that once I give them my name and birthday.. they slap on an I D bracelet and wheel me back to a bed. Usually in short order I'm in a gown. In a bed and another nurse is sticking in an IV. Most times, within an hour. They've started to get me under control. When I first go in.. I'm making lots of noise. I physically cannot stop it. The puking, the moaning, I'm feeling like Mike Tyson is working over my guts. I can't stop from gasping after each punch. Have someone punch you in the stomach unexpectedly.. hear that grunt? Thats happening over and over. I can't steel myself against it no matter how hard I try. The hits just keep coming. A quick aside. Linda Hamilton is the voice in my head! When I get this bad.. I don't wanna go to the ER.. I don't wanna get up.. dont wanna walk or move or get to the hospital. Everything is a blur of agony. But I have no choice. Its only getting worse. Then I hear her clear as a bell.. Sarah Conner in the first Terminator movie. And she's screaming at me.. "ON YOUR FEET SOLDIER! MOVE IT!" and I focus every last bit of will, and get up.. somehow. I live in terror of the day thats coming when I won't be able to do that. It's been an hour or so now.. the IV drugs are working.. mostly.. but there's still a pretty decent amount of pain.. thank God I'm mostly done vomiting.. mostly. Sometimes the doctor wants xrays.. or CAT scans. Sometimes they just get me under control and ship me home to rest. I don't need to spend much time describing my pain to the doctors. We've been here so often.. they got the idea. But YOU do need to be able to give them an idea of what level of pain you're in, and what that feels like. So I'm going to try here to give you some helpful reference points. WHAT'S YOUR PAIN LEVEL LIKE? Thats a hell of a question! IT HURTS! ok.. but is it bad? Really bad? Really really bad? Is it stabbing pain? Burning? Cramping? Short bursts? Or long continued pains? In ERs they have this handy little chart with Emojis showing different facial expressions based on pain levels.. its cute. It starts with a smiley face thats a 0. Then it works its way through 10 with increasing frowny faces.. finally at pain level 10. There's tears. Where's the screaming face emoji? I'd be pointing at that one. But you've got to somehow convey what you're feeling. And how bad it is. Maybe I can help. 10- Kidney stones.. giving birth.. sever abscess in your tooth. Second and third degree sunburns or any burns to large areas. Being gut shot or stabbed. Migraine headaches. (Usually). broken bones. Getting burned over more than 5 percent of anywhere on your body. Post surgery for some things.. open heart, bowel resections. The chest burster alien from that movie. These things are all usually considered top drawer pain. Its next to impossible to think about anything else. 8- Things like sinus headaches. Bad sprains. Being punched in the face. Bad cuts. Injuries to smaller areas of your body.. post surgery for smaller things. Appendicitis. Tonsils. Etc. this stuff hurts bad.. but you can still mostly function. The pain is bad.. but you follow along with the t.v. show you're watching.. you can be distracted for a few minutes. 6- The daily bump and grind of just being alive. All the regular cuts, bumps, burns, and bruises. I think most of us have level 6 pains all the time off and on. Cracked your knee on the table? Damn that hurts.. but you aren't going to seek medical attention for it. Pulled muscles. Twisted ankle. Headache. Stomach bugs. Toothache. Things that happen all the time. It sucks.. but you'll live. 4 and below. Being over 30... getting older hurts. Most things that you cover with a bandaid.. or BenGay. Stuff that hurt when it happened.. now its the leftover pain. Being alive most days for most people is level 4 pain. The problem with my helpful little references are this. No one feels pain like you do. Pain is completely different for everyone. Whats a 10 for you is a 6 for me. What's impossible for me to bear is a mere nuisance for you. Pain management clinics deal with these issues everyday.. and they're usually lousy at doing it. What works for you.. does not even touch my pain levels. Does nothing. Why are you doing so well? And I'm in agony? There are many doctors working on these questions all the time. But there are so many factors involved. It's an impossible task. But here's my best advice if you find yourself in real pain. Dont ever let any doctor tell you that you don't hurt.. honestly some will. They can't feel what you feel. If Dr. A can't help you.. or won't. Look for Dr. B. or C or D or Q. Never give up.. let the pain motivate you. I have wonderful, caring doctors. But sometimes when I say the word "pain" they get this look.. like "forget it champ.. you have enough drugs" I didn't even ask for more.. but it's the go-to response for some doctors.. especially now days. (More on this subject later). I've spoken with so many people who are in this boat. They just can't get any help from any doctor. I feel for them all.. I'm right there with you. Some pain will never go away. No matter how many drugs you take.. warm cloth on your neck.. cool rag over your eyes. Heating pads. Neck braces. VapoRub. Wrist wraps. Pepto Bismol. Hot showers. There are not only whole sections of stores dedicated to pain relief.. there are entire stores for it. Pain is a multibillion dollar industry.. and business is good! Maybe THAT'S what he's singing about !?