#ive gotten good at making shading look nice but now i gotta figure out how light actually works LMAO

[hystericpandemonium]

he is so the hand of some. give me 14 of em.

[tfw-no-tennis]

hunter x hunter thotz so far

soooo ruth and i started watching hunter x hunter woohoo finally! we’re like 10 or so eps in so i decided to collect some thots below on what i think so far (i havent rlly been spoiled so im interested to look back on this once ive watched more)

first off i love gon sm, hes immediately so endearing...hes just a baby!!!! just a little baby boy!!!! hes just so cute and good, im so not ready for him to get put thru the wringer later on as ive vaguely heard happens

the first few episodes were really fast paced which i enjoyed and thought was for the best. the characters came thru really strongly and i feel like we heard juuuust enough about the setting, premise, and what a hunter is 

i wasnt expecting leorio and kurapika to show up in the FIRST EP lmao that surprised me. i love so much how the three of them like IMMEDIATELY became a family unit in like 3 eps lmaoooo it was like ok here are 2 parents and their son bam. also leorio and kurapika having a showdown on the boat (which didnt end up happening) was a wild ride 

i have like zero fucking idea what a hunter is and the more they attempt to explain the more confused i get. its honestly kind of hilarious how little sense it makes. to be clear this doesnt detract from my enjoyment of the show at all (if anything it adds to it)

oh my god fuckgin hisoka is the worst he hasnt done much but i hate him so much already. good villain writing/design so far, hes so hateable

ruth every time hisoka shows up: WE HATE UR PUSSY BIIIITCH 

the character design in this show is....a lot lmao. ruth and i decided its a cross between soul eater, jojo, and one piece in terms of aesthetic. the designs are certainly unique and so many of them are just so ugly hvbjafdbdskgs it reminds me of that post thats like ‘masterpost of jojo characters who look busted as shit’ lmao

i already love this show a lot tbh like the way its structured so far has been kinda atypical for a shounen, at least in terms of fights - we really havent seen a lot of fighting yet. also nen hasnt shown up yet and its reminding me of stands not becoming a thing in jojo until p3 lmao 

anyways in litrally ep1 i already loved the 3 main characters we saw...leorio is a wild dude, i love him sm, especially as a fellow medical binch who wants MONEY. like, thats literally me. and kurapika is also wild, like damn they rlly just dropped their backstory in ep 1 huh. like we rlly are jumping right into this 

also when leorio said he was a teenager i was like WHAT???? just like evryone else which YEA omfg. i cant believe hes that young lmao. kurapika too

so leorio is one of those 19 yr olds who looks 40 and kurapika is the type of teen who looks like a 12 yr old

and KILLUA i love him sm also....hes an adorable assassin catboy and hes perfect. i love how quickly he and gon hit it off (tiny bfs.....) and how hes just like, this extra as hell 12 yr old with a SKATEBOARD and ASSASSIN SKILLS and then he sees gon and is like guess im gonna fall in love 

i gotta talk abt gon again i just love him. hes so polite and cute and kind and good, i just love him...wht a good protag. his motivation is just wild too, hes like well my dad abandoned me to go off and be a hunter (which he isnt even mad abt, what a nice lad) so im gonna do that to see what the deal is

i love how gon (just like the audience) doesnt really know what a hunter does/is and just goes into the exam totally blind lmao. also the fact that his skills seem to include jumping good, being speedy, having the energy typical of a 12 yr old, being a weather sniffer, being nice, and having good instincts/constitution as a result of having eaten random grass and forest shit growing up...amazing. 

is this gonna turn out to be one of those things where its like, wow theyve been using nen this whole time without realizing! tht would honestly explain a lot lmao 

i really enjoy how like....semi-normal the power levels are rn? while also being all over the place and wack as fucks obvs (like hisoka dissolving that guys arms in his first appearance was A Lot, as well as all the card stuff hes done..). like the part wher that blue guys (evil franky one piece) punches the ground and it leaves a crater and everyones like !!!! wow wtf thats unnatural! that literally threw me off bc that kinda thing is so normal in anime lmaoooo. but i like that thats the starting point bc it leaves a lot of room for power escalation w/out it getting too out of hand 

specifially our protags are starting out pretty low on the Shounen Badass scale - especially gon (and leorio, tho i kinda predict he wont be as fight-y? what with him being premed)

i find it kinda hilarious how killua hasnt done too much (aside from murdering those 2 randos in like half a second) despite being so clearly skilled...like when they have to do the 5v5 fight thing in the tower, i wouldve thought hed be the first up cause hes so badass but nope

actually thats what i find interesting - i was expecting all 5 (or maybe 4, we’re in the middle of leorio’s ‘fight’) of the fights to be physical smackdowns but so far nope, theyve been very cerebral. that bodes well, w/how smart the fights have been, bc i doubt the fights will get stale tht way 

tho they might be kinda frustrating sometimes - there are times when u DO just wanna see a good ole fashioned shounen beatdown yknow. but we do get enough of that now (and im sure we’ll get plenty more) to satisfy (like kurapika decking fake-franky) 

oh also the opening. its so charming and cute and i love the song...its also so hilariously basic and classic - like one of those typical 2000s anime openings where theres stock run cycles of all the main characters and theres a little animation of all the characters fighting together (and that fight doesnt actually happen, its just for the op) 

also love that leorios the only one who doesnt fight in the OP, instead getting saved from death by gon lmao. im curious if he’ll end up fighting at all (i assume a little?) and if he’ll use nen (probably healing type nen?) 

also i already wanna fistfight ging for abandoning his perfect angel son. also leorio is literally gons dad already, they even look alike wow 

that guy hanzo has done basically 0 things so far but i rlly like him already, im curious if thatll change. also sorry for calling u ‘hanzo overwatch!?!?!?!’ upon first viewing my guy 

tonpa is str8 up so annoying pls leave u pathetic loser 

tho it cracked me up when he and Evil Mr Clean were facing off and starting getting all detailed/shaded and i was like o shit is he actually badass. are we abt to see like a nen battle or st. but no....lmaooo

i found it interesting that leorio didnt really admit to wanting to be a dr at first...hes such a good dude, he kinda just let kurapika think that his motives were superficial and greedy when in actuality theyre selfless

also wanting to be rich can be a rlly interesting character motivation and i love when its done right

oh my god i cant believe it took me this long to mention the hilariously edge ED....like holy shit, its so 2000s, the song sounds like its been re-recorded like 40000 times bc of how bad the audio quality is, or something, idk how to describe music but its hilariously specific in tone and its rlly funny to see shots of the main characters smiling while this screamo whatever plays in the bg....wow. 

also s/o to killua for being king of edgy with that ‘tear of blood’ shot

i rlly like how much of the plot, especially the early hunter exam stuff, is moved along simply by gon being a good kind polite boy. 

love the fact that he and leorio and kurapika (and later killua) all team up without even saying anything...i love that, most shounen would have them be like ‘che, i cant team up with anyone, i have to prove myself ALONE or my victory wont be EARNED’ or w/e idk. who knows that might happen later but rn i love how they all effortlessly work together (and how they all contribute - without each other they would have all failed at different points) 

oh man also killuas first appearence was so funny when he drank a bunch of tonpas poisoned drinks and was like [smirks] tch, loser, im immune to poison. get dunked on. [skateboard away] i love him so fuckgin much 

omfg that part where killua looks all shoujo/kawaii and is talking abt how hes gonna kill his family or w/e and gon is just like ^_^? i love they

HOOOOLY FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT, BUT 65% OF THE REASON I MADE THIS POST WAS TO MENTION HISOKAS THEME LMAOOOOO his music being like fuckgin, spanish guitar/traditional mexican type music is sooooo goddamn funny to me for some reason, like the first time it played i was like ok whats going ON with this spanish guitar lmao but then i figured out that its his theme and god thats so funny 

hisoka is also so fuckign jojo like he could so easily be in jojo. he and dio would be the fakest best friends ever and would constantly try to kill each other on the lowdown and shittalk each other constantly in private but be super sweet to each others faces. also they would hatefuck. no im not taking criticism bye 

i rlly love everyones backstories also, and i find it interesting that weve gotten to hear/see at least some of all 4 of the MCs backstories. theyre all compelling and interesting and i cant wait to dive in further 

also calling it now but kurapika is totally gonna get way too absorbed in revenge and get fucked up/disregard their own life (maybe in the style of robin in one piece?) we’ll see but i feel like it aint gonna end well. i could be wrong, i really havent been spoiled at all, thats just my guess 

hbahjfbshjf the ep that was called ‘hisoka x is x sneaky’ was SO funny that reads like a dora the explorer ep title 

also i had no idea the ep titles were formatted like that w/the x’s and thats rlly funny 

ok but the part where leorio - who seems to be pretty bad at fighting - tries to fight hisoka - whose literal first appearence involved him effortlessly dissolving a dudes arms - is so fucking funny. leorio rlly b a premed w/no brain cells....same bro. 

also i loved the Cutthroat Kitchen portion of the hunter exam and how not a single contestant was any good at it lmaoooo. do they not have the cooking channel in hxh-verse earth 

ok i love how the main characters are all intuitive in different ways depending on their own skills, like how killua can immediately guess that kurapika has never killed anyone before after they didnt kill evil-franky

kurapika joined killua in the Edgy Corner during that part also. like, they both have legit reasons to be edgy, but the shots of kurapika sitting in the darker tunnel part was kinda funny

also killua, a literal 12 yr old, calling out kurapika for being a murder virgin was pretty hilarious 

ok also i didnt know that madhouse animated hxh which is rlly funny but w/e i love the animation especially the occasional chibi parts and the facial expressions (like killuas ‘i love murder’ catboy expressions) 

oh also when killua murdered those 2 guys and his hand was all vein-y and his nails were pointy, his hands looked like hisokas do...i wonder if thats a legit connection or it hisoka just b getting his nails did 

kurapika talking abt how even seeing a regular spider makes them rlly angry was both very sad and kinda funny. kura u have so many issues god bless 

kurapikas smackdown on evil blue franky was fuckin dope tho. and the red eyes reveal was SPOICY 

rlly love how the individual fights highlights the characters strengths/morals/motivations/whatever....the writing is already really strong tbh 

ugh ok ive ranted enough this is a Lot lmao its so disorganized but w/e 

basically i love this series so far and im rlly curious whatll happen next. also everything seems pretty chill and upbeat so far (relatively) and i know this shit gets dark and im NOT FUCKING READY. 

til next timeeee

[underoossss]

More Than A Mission - H.O [4/4]

SPY AU | MASTERLIST

Pairing: spy!Harrison x spy!reader

AN: Here’s the last part of this mini series. I can’t tell you how much I’ve loved writing it, it’s been the absolute best and the support I’ve gotten for it has made me so happy. I’m going to miss these two but don’t worry an Epilogue is coming! So stay tuned! But now here’s part 4!! Let me know what you think. I haven’t proofread this so excuse any mistakes.

“I’m alright, it’s only my arm.” Harrison says while clutching his arm in pain and standing up, his other hand coming up to squeeze your shoulder. “Y/N, I’m alright!”

You choke on your words as your lungs finally get some much needed air in them. Your heart beats rapidly in your chest as you try to calm yourself down from what could be the worst scare you’ve ever had. “Ok-okay that’s good. Let’s go.” Your words are rushed and you wipe a tear away as you run after Marioli and Folini.

The steam is still thick in the air as the two of you chase after them. Your throat burns from the cold autumn air, but you don’t feel cold, the only thing in your mind is capturing the drug lords in front of you. That bastard shot Harrison, now its personal. The same thought fills your mind on repeat as you close down on Marioli, Folini getting farther away by the minute. “Harrison you have to shoot Folini, he’s getting away! I’ll get Marioli.”

“Shoot him?! A moving target in the middle of all this fog!? There’re no way.” Harrison answers in your earpiece which makes you roll your eyes.

“Harrison Osterfield you were top of our damn class in almost everything, so you’re an awesome shot! Now shoot his damn leg, he’s getting away!” You snap at him with a sharp look in his direction. There’s no time to doubt himself now, not when you were so close to finish the mission and certainly not when you knew just how great of an agent he’s always been. Not that you would ever admit it out loud but him being so damn smart in class literally swept you off your feet. Even before you fell in love with him, you admired his bright mind.  

Marioli looks over his shoulder to find you right on his tail and raises his gun towards you. But before he could aim and pull the trigger you decide to tackle him to the ground. The two of you land on the ground with a loud thump and before you know it he flips you over and presses his hands against your neck. You choke for air as you hear a gunshot in the distance followed by a loud curse. You raise your gun at Marioli but one of his hand lets go of your neck to aim the gun elsewhere. You fool, you think as you kick him in the crotch followed by another kick at his chest to get him off you. Your hands are quick to pull up the side of your dress and take the other gun from your holster aiming it at the man in front of you. A single shot to the shoulder has Marioli falling to his kness which lets you stand up and press your gun against his forehead. “One more move and I pull the trigger, got it?” You croak out, another cough leaving your body which made your throat hurt once more.

The SWAT team arrives at the scene no longer than 20 seconds after the words leave your mind, the drug lords’ men are in handcuffs against the alley’s wall and are soon joined by their leaders who clutch their shoulder and leg in pain. Nice job, Osterfield. Wait, where’s Harrison?

“Haz?!” You turn around in an instant, your hair hitting your face but you don’t bother to push it away as you rush to his side. He is leaning against a lamppost, his face pale and the right sleeve of his shirt is a darker shade of black because of the blood soaking through it. “Oh god, Haz your arm. We need the paramedics here, agent Osterfield needs help ASAP. Anyone copy?”

“Two ambulances are on their way, it’ll only be a couple of minutes now.” Another agent speaks on your earpiece.

“No, no I’m okay.” Harrison shakes his head as he tries to walk towards the drug dealers being put away only to almost land face first on the pavement. “Gotta take ‘em to jailson, prail… jail!” His accent gets thicker and his words are barely coherent as you catch him in your arms and lean his body against the lamppost once more.

“Harrison, look at me okay? You’re losing a lot of blood but you have to stay with me okay?” Your hands find his shirt and untuck it from his pants before you unbutton the last button and tear the fabric into a long strip for his wound.

“Hey that’s mine! Ow!” Harrison winces in pain when you take his hand away from the bullet would on his bicep and wrap the fabric tight around it to stop the bleeding as much as you could.

“I know it hurts, shh it’s okay. I’m here just stay with me baby, yes?” You place your hands on either side of his face and meet his slightly unfocused eyes with yours to try and keep his attention on you. You’re strong Harrison, I know it.

“Wait… baby? Am I y-your boyfriend?” He mumbles, eyes confused and growing more tired than before.

“I hope you will be after this, just stay away yeah?” You shake his head slightly making him open his eyes fully again and nod his head. “Any word on the ambulance?” Your voice is shaky as you scream into your earpiece.

Tears gather in your eyes as your heart threatens to collapse at the thought of losing your best friend. Sirens can be heard in the distance, gradually becoming louder, and you let out a sigh of relief. But it immediately turns into a gasp of panic when you see Harrison’s eyes close. “Haz? Haz, come on, don’t close your eyes. Don’t sleep okay? Help is coming!” Your hands clutch both of his shoulders as you shake him awake.

“Five... five more minutes, Y/N.”

“No, no sleeping.” You shake your head at him as blue eyes come into view once again. “You gotta stay with me. Yo-you said you weren’t acting at the bar, remember that? Why? Why weren’t you acting?” Hurried steps come from behind you and you look over your shoulder to see the paramedics rush towards you.

Harrison smiles sleepily, his hand coming up to touch one of yours. “Because I’m actually in love with you.” His words finally make a smile appear on your face and your heart speeds up yet again, not from fear but from love this time around.

“What happened?” One paramedic says and another two get a hold of Harrison and lay him down on the stretcher.

“Bullet to the arm, it’s still there and he’s lost a lot of blood. Please help him.” You hold Harrison’s hand for a second and give it a squeeze.

The paramedic nods his head and offers you a small smile. “He’s in good hands now. Don’t worry.”

You can only nod your head as they take him towards the ambulance, tears falling down your cheek as every emotion you felt throughout the night finally come rushing towards you.

----

“Excellent work, agent L/N.” Director Diaz smiles as she extends her hands towards you for a handshake. “It would’ve been better if no one had gotten shot but it’s still a successful mission. The deal was stopped and all dens were busted at last.”

You smile back before taking your hand out of your coat pocket and shaking her hand. “Thank you director, I’m glad everything was a success and about the shots…. They were necessary.”

“Of course.” She nods with a small smile, “Not agent Osterfield’s though, right?”

“Definitely not!” Your eyes widen, “Folini was aiming at me and Harrison shoved me out of the way. He wasn’t supposed to get hurt…”

“He got hurt doing something honorable. I didn’t intend to tell you this but…” Her smile widens as she looks over at Harrison who sat on the back of an ambulance with an IV hooked to his arm. “I paired you with him on purpose, not only because you’re one of my best agents, but because I remembered your first two years after the academy.”

“FBI’s finest.” You smile to yourself as Harrison waves at you when his eyes meet yours.

“You haven’t been the same since he left, so when I saw they were sending him over for the case I knew who I was partnering him up with.” Her gaze shifts between the two of you before it stays fixed on you. “Hopefully, you’ve already admitted your feelings for each other.”

You furrow your eyebrows and tear your gaze away from Harrison and towards her. The look on her face, the slight smirk on her lips and the sparkle in her eyes was enough to put every piece in the puzzle together. She arranged the hotel, one bed, the married couple act and making you be part of the capture mission at the club. “So this was…”

“More than just a mission agent, it was a set up. You’ll thank me later, now go over there before agent Osterfield burns a hole on the side of your face.” She nods her head towards Harrison before stuffing both hands in her jacket pockets and leaving.

You watch her figure retreat towards the SWAT team in amazement and confusion as your mind tries to catch up with everything she said. “Oh my god.” You shake your head in disbelief for a moment before you feel Harrison’s eyes on you once more. You look up and smile at him before making your way over, standing in front of him with both hands on your hips.

“You’re an idiot you know that right?” You roll your eyes fondly at him, taking a step closer.

“Maybe.” Harrison’s laugh makes you swoon as he nods his head shyly at you. Your head spins and your chest feels like it will burst at any moment if you don’t tell the dork in front of you how you feel.

“And you know I absolutely love you right?”

His face is stunned for a second before the biggest smile takes over his face as you finally close the space between the two of you. Your arms go around his neck and you feel his free one go around your waist before you share a long awaited kiss. Harrison’s lips are soft and they carefully move against you, testing the waters and just savoring the moment. A smile comes to your face making you pull back an inch to look at Harrison who met your gaze with the most lovestruck look you’ve ever seen. If the moment was a dream then you never wanted to wake up, you wanted to stay there forever with Harrison looking at you like you’re the most precious thing in the world which was probably the same way you looked at him in that brief second the two of you pulled away. A soft smile escapes your lips before you lean in a kiss him once more, sighing at the feeling of having him there and so close to you after almost losing him earlier.

“I told you I’d take another bullet for you if I could.” Harrison whispers against your lips, “I love you, so much.”

“Next time is my turn.” You smile again before pecking his lips when he tries to object. “I’m only joking, chill.” 

“I’m never going to here the end of it, am I?” 

“Nope.” You wink at him and kiss him once more.

---

The city’s streets are still as noisy and busy at 2am as they are in the middle of the day. The hotel, however, was quiet. Only the soft jazz music from the speakers and the crackling of the wood on the fireplace could be heard. Lionel wasn’t even at the front desk anymore, a short lady with auburn curves sat in his place and barely spared a glance to say goodnight as the two of you made your way to the elevator. Harrison’s cheeks were tinted soft pink from the cold air outside and his hair was a curly mess from the wind outside and stopping a major drug deal from happening.

It doesn’t take long for the two of you to start kissing. As soon as the elevator door closes Harrison’s hand pushes some hair away from your face and places a soft kiss on your lips. One kiss soon turns into two and by the time the two of you reach your floor and room door, you’re full on making out in the middle of the quiet hallway. You can’t help but feel like you’re in a romcom as Harrison looks for his keycard and opens the door, almost falling into the room in the process. You close the door behind you and place a hand on the middle of Harrison’s chest when he leans in for another kiss.

“As much as I want this, we can’t Haz. The doctor said rest.”

A groan leaves Harrison’s lips and he throws his head back in annoyance before looking back at you and pouting. “But…”

You kiss him softly, cradling his face in your hands and brushing your nose against his. “I know… but we’ve waited this long already, what’s a couple more days?”

His smile is dazzling and he has a dazed look on his face. His eyes are full of love and your cheek start to hurt from smiling so much, “I love you so much.”

Your cheeks burn as his arm brings you closer to his chest, “I love you too. Now, shower and then we can cuddle. Properly this time.”

Harrison nods his head, copying what you did earlier and brushing his nose against yours. “No embarrassment, no awkwardness this time.”

A laugh leaves your lips but you don’t open your eyes for a couple more seconds while you relish his warmth so close to you. “Exactly.” You finally move away from his embrace and sit down on the bed, taking off your heels and sighing in relief before you feel his eyes on you. “What?”

Harrison moves his shoulders up and down as he shrugs and smiles at you, “Nothing, love, everything’s perfect.”

After the bathroom door closes and the shower starts running you let yourself fall back on the bed, eyes scanning the ceiling as the memories from the night replay in your mind. Nothing would have prepared you for the fear that ran through your veins at the sight of Harrison falling in front of you and believing he was dead. Nothing would have prepared you for the immense amount of love you felt when he told you he wasn’t acting at the bar. For having his arms around you not letting you go and his lips so close to you that you could feel his breath against yours. It had been a night with a whirlwind of events that left you breathless and your heart so full of love you’re afraid it would burst at any moment.

You stretch your arms and legs before making your way to the pictures pasted on the wall. It’s only when you start taking them down one by one, that a frightening thought comes to mind. What happens now? The mission was over, both of you had done a great job stopping the deal and even confessed your feelings for each other. But what would become of the two of you if Harrison is asked to go back? You don’t know if you can go through that again, specially not now after you had let your feelings be known. You’re too afraid to think about it and even more afraid to ask but that doesn’t stop your mind from going over many different scenarios of what would happen to your relationship.

“I can finish with this.” Harrison mumbles against your shoulder as he wraps his arms around your waist. “You can go shower now.”

You jump slightly at his sudden presence after being lost in your own thoughts for who knows how long. His arms are strong and comforting and the three small kisses his places along your shoulder makes you melt into his embrace. “You trying to get rid of me, agent?” Your tone is teasing and a smile takes over your face when you turn around in his arms.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He shakes his head before leaning down to kiss your lips once more. “I love you too much.”

With a smile, you push your worries to the back of your mind while you kiss him and keep pushing them back while you shower and get ready for bed. It’s only when you’re back in Harrison’s arms, the lights off and your head over his chest that you can’t take it anymore and break the comfortable silence. “I’m scared.”

“Hmm? Scared of what, love?” Harrison’s arm brings you closer to his side before he places a soft kiss on your forehead.

“I’ve been scared the whole night, first of you getting hurt and now I’m scared I’m going to lose you again.” You squeeze your eyes shut while your hand clutches the soft material of his t-shirt.

“You’re not going to lose me, Y/N. The doctor said-” You can picture him furrowing his eyebrows in confusion before you cut him off.

“Not that kind of losing you… What are you going to do next, now that the mission’s over?” Your fingers let go of his t-shirt and settle for playing with the material to distract yourself, not daring to meet his eyes.

“That’s easy, I’m going to follow you anywhere. Back then, when I took the reassignment it was the worst thing I could’ve done… But I though we didn’t have a shot.” He shifts in his place, lying on his side and moving you along to be face to face with him. You can’t see his face clearly in the dark but you find his eyes with a little help from the lamppost outside. “But now…”

“Now?”

“Well now that I know you feel the same way I do, there’s no way I’m letting you go.” His hand cups your cheek gently before he brushes his nose against yours, a sigh escaping your lips.

“You don’t have to go back?” Your voice is only a whisper as you close your eyes and smile in content, one of your hands moving upwards to his freshly showered curls.

“I was on the phone with my director back in London while you were showering, he said it was my call now.” Harrison smiles against your lips when your fingers play with his hair. He pushes himself onto his back again and brings you along with him before you get a chance to kiss him.

“Stay. I should’ve said it before, I know, but I’m saying it now. I’m not going to let you go again Harrison. Two years ago I went through the worst pain I know and I’m not strong enough to go through it again.” It’s your turn to place a hand on his cheek. Your eyes though barely visible are begging him not to leave, you tear down all your walls and let all of your emotions show while you look at him. You don’t want a single doubt to cross his mind, you want him to know exactly how you feel, how you’ve always felt.

“I will.” He whispers, finally leaning down to kiss your lips until both of your smiles force you to pull away.

--

The room is cold the next morning, the heater being left on too low for it to actually warm up the room and the temperature dropping in New York since the night before. The sun shines through the curtains and into the room, waking Harrison up with a smile on his face as you take over his thoughts. He stretches his arms above his head, a big yawn leaving his lips as his eyes adjust to the light coming from outside. The smile slowly turns into a frown as he realizes you’re not by his side or sleeping soundly on top of him, your side of the bed as cold as the room around him. 

“Don’t panic, I’m here.” Your voice makes his gaze move from the left side of the bed to where you stood on the right side of the room. “I was making coffee and reservations for breakfast at this great place I know.”

You chuckle when his very much panicked state turns into a sleepy smile as you approach him. A steaming mug of coffee is on each of your hands and you extend one of them towards Harrison, the smell making him breathe in deeply. “Black one sugar right?”

“Is this a habit of yours? Bribing people with coffee?” He smiles as he teases you and takes both mugs away from you, setting them on the nightstand.

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion as he takes your hand and pulls you towards the bed. “Why would I bribe you with coffee?”

“You left me cuddle-less.” He shrugs his shoulders, his bottom lip poking out in a fake pout that had you laughing. His hands pull you over to him until you’re straddling his hips and looking down at him with a big smile on your face. “Also, good morning.”

“Good morning, you dork.” You roll your eyes before cradling his face in your hands and leaning down to kiss his lips. His eyes scan your face as you pull away and reach for your coffee on the nightstand, your cheeks burning under his gaze. “What? Do I have slobber on my mouth?” Your hand reaches for the corner of your mouth and stops when Harrison shakes his head.

“No it’s just, you’re so beautiful I was admiring you for a second.” You get flustered because of his words, making him smile cheekily at you in triumph. His blue eyes are dazzling and his messy morning hair just begs you to run your fingers through it.

“I love you.” You shake your head, putting your coffee back on the nightstand before kissing him once more. “Morning breath and all.”

“Hey!” His arms are quick to flip the two of you around and kiss you again. “You’re one to talk.”

Your laughter fills the room and you slap your hand on his chest at his retort before his lips are back on yours. “You love me though.”

“Madly.” Harrison smiles, kissing his way to your neck and leaving you breathless until his phone starts ringing. “You’ve got to be joking.”

Harrison pulls away from you before his hand reaches over the mugs to get his phone and furrow his eyebrows at the caller ID. “It’s Director Diaz.”

You sit up along with him as he answers the call and greets your director. His face is serious as he nods his head along to what the director says on the other end of the line and you take your coffee once more while you try to guess what the conversation is about. Self-indulgently though, trying to guess the conversation quickly turns into checking out your boyfriend as he talks on the phone. The light hit the curls on his head perfectly, turning it a shade lighter while also falling on half of his face and making his cheekbones more prominent. It’s something so simple yet so breathtaking that you forget to blow the coffee in your mug and end up burning your tongue and hissing in pain. Damn you and your looks, Osterfield.

“We’ll be there by then.” Harrison nods his head one last time before hanging up and setting his phone by his side. “We have a new mission, the director wants us in her office at 2pm. And I know you were checking me out.”

“Maybe I was.” You shrug your shoulders nonchalantly, sending a wink his way before asking about the mission. “Did she tell you about this new mission?”

“Something about the governor, she didn’t give many details.” His hand pushes a strand of hair behind your ear before kissing your cheek. “Guess we’ve got to get going.”

“How about breakfast first and then saving the world?” You tilt your head to the side as a smile comes to your face again and you lean your head closer to his to steal a kiss.

“Sounds like a plan, love. Let’s get started.”

tagging: @notimeforthemessenger @stephie-senpai @peeterparkr @gryfinpuffs @starksparker @upsidedownparker @spiderboytotherescue @girl-in-the-chair @hazhasmycoffee @bisexualupin @valar–m0rghulis @madmadmilk @tom-hollands-eyelash @randomfandom3599 @marvelousxtsh @unmbrellaspidey 

[paradoxidolatry]

Brotherly Love

@birdhole , @beatconductor a lil bit

TG: hey TG: sup

TT: Hey. TT: Not much.  Lunch break at work. TT: Sup?

TG: oh thats sweet TG: sucks theres no free pizza in it when you work as a cop huh TG: i guess its overall kind of a step up from the pizza gig tho

TT: Right? Free donuts though. TT: But nah, yeah, not so bad. TT: Didn't get a chance to tell you about it but I figure Dave or whoever's already spilled those beans. TT: Kinda weird, right?

TG: yeah dave told me TG: donuts just like a real cop huh TG: still cant quite wrap my head around this cop thing tbh TG: i can see you working as a LOT of things but a cop? thats wild

TT: Yeah. TT: I mean, I figured.  Got all that military experience, right? TT: But I didn't want to go back to the military. TT: Plus, working as a cop is an equal mix of 'keeps me active' and 'allows me to work around certain roadblocks in regards to the acquisitions business', so it was a good compromise. TT: Better than fast food and skin flicks again, at any rate.

TG: i mean i guess that makes logical sense n all TG: still fucking wild as shit to me TG: guess you can still wear a uniform even its obviously not as sweet as the fast food ones

TT: Yeah, I really miss that old greasy apron. TT: But what can you do?

TG: the grease just made your eyes pop in that special way ykno TG: chicks love it

TT: They fuckin do, don't they? TT: But somethin tells me you didn't message me to talk about the chicks missing my pizza funk.

TG: you sure about that? its a pretty great topic you could write a book on it become rich quick with your pick up tips

TT: Hey, I'm already on chapter 7: the Sausage Party. TT: But really though. TT: What's up, boss?

TG: nothing TG: i was just TG: thinking about you is all

> Heart, squeeze. TT: That right? TT: Cool, cool. TT: Was thinking about you earlier too, actually.

TG: oh? any reason or

[Dave txt @ bro] im watching u [Dave txt @ bro] > that chicken image

TT: Just, y'know. TT: Was outside on a smoke break and I saw a couple of pigeons hanging out, eating some sandwich or some shit on the sidewalk and like. TT: Got me thinking about you, and like. TT: I spent the past 13 years thing you're dead or some shit, and now you're alive and it's. TT: Just fuckin buck wild. TT: Pardon me for sound fucking sappy but it's kind of like a dream come true.

[TT > Dave: I'm behaving, dad.]

TG: ...am i a pigeon now? tho i do admit i would eat that floor sandwich(edited) TG: yeah its...its fucking wild huh? TG: kinda thought id never see you again even after TG:  i got away and shit TG: idk why not like you up and died but? after looking for you and you werent there i dunno i guess TG: i thought you just TG: werent going to come back TG: ...you didnt even see my wings yet you dont get to relate me to birds just yet dude

TT: I mean, I saw them in a picture. TT: One of you and Dave and a bunch of trolls and some old dude in front of a candy cane dildo? TT: But also you post about birds and shit all the time, so I figured that was sort of your Thing now. TT: And ... well.  I dunno. TT: Almost didn't. TT: I was just gonna stay on Earth, maybe pop in to visit every so often. TT: But then all that shit happened and Dave wasn't answering my messages, so I thought he was dead too, and...well. TT: I guess I'm, uh... grateful to the apocalypse for.  I guess bringing you back to me? TT: Well, no. TT: But like, at least letting me know you're alive.

TG: oh...yeah thats TG: thats my sisters actually and uh..shit what even is grig? grandpa i guess TG: already know mr d after all TG: i mean... im not sure how i feel yet TG: i guess im sorta glad because TG: i mean it has been my embarrassing dream to play family with you again for a while TG: i want to be a family again TG: a lot TG: its just TG: hard

TT: Sisters, huh?  Well damn, you got the whole family package with these folks, huh? TT: Nice.  How long you been with them? TT: Yeah, I figured. TT: I didn't, and don't, make it easy. I know. TT: A lot easier when you were a baby, even if our folks were shit, just cuz, y'know. TT: Everything hadn'tt happened yet. TT: Hadn't started to completely fuckin lose my mind and treat you like dogshit. TT: But I mean.  I dunno. TT: I'm not gonna force you or nothin. TT: But if you ever wanted to come backto the apartment and chill for a day, see how you feel about it? TT: That'd be uh. TT: That'd be really nice.

TG: 3 years TG: as long as ive been TG: away from scratch... TG: i..yeah i guess maybe TG: can you even handle seeing me get gay with dave tho

TT: God.  You were with Scratch that whole fuckin time? TT: Fuckin sonnuvabitch refused to tell me what he did with you. TT: Anyway. TT: Handling y'all and your homogay is a small price to pay at the end of the day. TT: Even if it's still. TT: Kinda really weird from my perspective. TT: But I respect y'all and he takes good care of you, so I can't complain too much, right?

TG: ...yeah like ten years TG: kinda fucked up huh TG: ill..ill think about it TG: okay so im gonna be real with you here for a sec okay TG: i TG: messaged you because i was talking to dave and i realized i missed you and TG: that i TG: kindawantahugiguess

TT: ...Yeah? TT: I can do a hug, yeah. TT: Where are you?  I can meet you, if you wanna.

TG: ...workin TG: at [coords] TG: dont arrest me mr officer these drugs are prescription

TT: I'll leave the cuffs in the car. TT: What happens off-duty stays off-duty, though, so. TT: See you in five.

TG: kay > Try not to freak out. Freak out anyways.

> Pull up by the curb a short walk away and park. > Look, you even pay for the parking meter and everything. > Step out of the car in your full uniform and approach Sock, one hand in  your pocket, the other raised in a wave hello.

> Oh god, he really fucking is a god damn cop. That's so damn weird. God. > Not as weird as randomly meeting up with him for a hug though. Damn it that was the dumbest idea. > You wave back, trying hard to look cool and not like you are dying on the inside and failing miserably.

> You stride up alongside him and... ...well, now what, actually. > Neither of you are very good at this kind of planning, are you. > Damnit, Striders. "Hey." > Now just to... > ... > Open your arms up? > Yeah.  That's how hugs happen.

> Oh god, he's going right for it.Oh god. Not even small talk or anything really bro? > Maybe that's better anyways because god know you don't know what to say. "Hey." > You take a deep breath and you...Go for the fucking hug. Squeeze that big bro tight.

> Aww shit here it comes and here he is.  All up and hugging you. > Actually, that's uh. > That's real nice. > You wrap your arms around him and pull him in for a good, tight hug. > It's probably not the most comfortable thing, what with your radio strapped onto your chest and name plates aand shit, but. > At least for you?  This is a fucking good hug. > (Don't you dare tear up in public.)

> You don't really care about the cofort level of this, it's something you've been craving for 13 years now, a little radio isn't going to stop you from enjoying it. > It's nice. It's familiar, like all the good parts of Bro you've been missing wrapped up for you in one big huggable form. Easy to forget all the shit for a moment. > But the moment does end and when you pull away you have to wipe at you eyes like an idiot. "Uh...Th-thanks."

> Aww, shit goddamn.  He's teaaring up too under those glasses. > You swipe one knuckle under your shades, and you take a steaadying breath. "Hey, yeah, no problem." > Breathe easy, Strider.  You glance up for a moment as you see a fatass snowflake come drifting down, then you look to Sock again. "Hey, you wanna maybe grab some lunch with me?  Haven't eaten yet and it's still my break, so."

> Well at least you are both sappy motherfuckers now. > Oh. You didn't expect that. You think about what Dave told you earlier "Stay in control" and promptly decide to fuck that advice because shit. You are already here. You already went for it like an idiot. "Yeah sure. Gonna have Donuts like a proper cop?" > You make such a face at the snow. Ugh, you didn't really prepare for that kinda weather, fuck.

> You snort a laugh and give your flat stomach a pat. "Gotta work on that signature cop gut, don't I? C'mon." > You gesture behind you with a jerk of your thumb. "Hop in up front.  You can pick the place."

"Hell yeah you do. You look like a fake ass striper cop dude." > You get into the car and immediately get the seatbelt. Doesn't feel safe otherwise. You don't really like cars still but you can't pin point why. It's just a weird personality quirk yeah? But you are used to being in one at this point of your life. > Just drive carefully. Please.

> You hop in and buckle up too, both pleased and a litttle saddened that you didn't even need to remind Sock to put on his seatbelt. > Poor kid. > Luckily, you are an impeccably safe driver, and the drive to Wherever is smooth and uneventful.

> Old habits die hard. > You feel kind of awkward in the car with him, it's too silent for our tastes. > You get out of the car at whatever this amazing food place he's taking you is. Fingers crossed for fast food- "Y'know kinda funny. Always figured my first frive in a cop car would be because I'm getting arrested."

> You snort a laugh.  It's Sock's old favorite pizza place. > God you hope he still likes this shit. > Also this wasn't a Pizza Pimp before, was it?  It was Gino's-- > Wait. > Ugh, well, maybe Dave's not at work. "If you're planning on getting arrested, you're doing this pushing thing wrong, kid."(edited)

> Oh the Pizza Pimp. Fucking score. Maybe Dave is there, that would be rad. "I didn't say I was, I said I didn't think I'd ride a cop car otherwise. Your hearing getting bad?" > You immediately freeze after saying that. Oh man, actually sassing Bro though? Please don't hit me.

> Dave is unfortunately not there, but he sure would love to.

> You catch that freeze, and you... > You snort a little, before pointing to your ears. "Too many concerts and phat-ass beats.  Knew I shouldn't have gotten all up and personal with those speakers.  Who knew the grown-ups were right about that?" > You smile, and it's a little awkward cuz you sure as hell have never been the smiling type, before you hold open the door for him. "C'mon, before we freeze our asses off."

> Oh. Okay. It's cool. It's chill. In a quite literal sense even so you get your silly ass inside. > A smile though? You haven't seen your brother smile in...far longer than you haven't seen him for sure. > That little scare knocked the speech right out of you though so you just awkwardly sit down at the next best table, suddenly really not sure how good of an idea this was.

> You take a seat opposite him, and when the server approaches, you order yourself a water instead of a soda. > Who are you, even. > You glance over the menu, humming softly.  Some of these item names... fitting for a place called Pizza Pimp. "You wanna split one, or do individuals, or?"

> Who is he indeed. You order a black coffee instead of apple juice though, so maybe the traditional Strider beverages are just staying outside today. "Uhhh..Not super hungry honestly I don't mind sharing one." > You haven't been able to eat a whole pizza at once in a while but you don't say that.

"Alright.  We'll split a medium and you can take the rest home if you want." > You let him pick the toppings too.  This really is a strange Strider day.

> The strangest. Do they have nuggets as topping because you want that.

> They might have like, baked chicken, which is kinda like nuggets and also? Is Carro-approved.

> Do you think the pizza pimp doesn't have a nugget topping what kinda fool do you take Dave for.

> A big one. >:3

> LISTEN Nuggets have been added like at least two months ago. Cock Special.

> Goddamnit, Dave.

> Sock loves Dave and the Cock Special Pizza. Prepare ya taste buds Bro.(edited)

"One Cock Special with extra cock please" > Yes, this is exactly how you order.

> Oh your face. > You're so fucking proud.  Dave sure is your little brother, and so too is Sock. > Bless these fucking kids.

"Hope you like it, it's my fav." > Both the pizza and you know.

> Yeah.  Yeah, you know. "Sure I will." > Snort a laugh. "This sure isn't Gino's anymore, huh.  You remember that place?"

"Oh yeah. Man..That's been a while. Clover gifted the place to Dave what? 2 years ago?" > Back when you were on a no homo basis. Memories.

> [Clover: nya face]

"Used to be your favorite, but maybe that's because it was free when I worked here. ...Clover?"

"I'm always a slut for free food but I still digged their shit later. Oh uh..Yeah. Little green guy? 4 of the Felt?" > Should..You now have mentioned that?

> [Dave] Oh no.

> There's this shift in your face.  It's not a frown, but a certain tightening of your lips as you're hit with the full brunt of what Sock just said. "...Dave's...doing business with the Felt?"

> WHOOPSIES >Oh. Oh, oh, oh shit. You fucked up. You didn't really think about that when you said it. At all. Shit. Fuck. Damn. "Hahaha whaaaat? Noooo. Of course not! He'd never uh...Clover is just y'know his uh... Sugar daddy yeah. Cash money man, can't say no to that even from a greenie right?" > Well it's not entirely a lie. You are sweating though.

> You paw at your face and you sit back in your seat, eyebrows knit together tightly. > Looks like you're going to have to have a little talk with Dave when you get home. "...No, guess not.  Desperate times and all that, right?"

"Yeah exactly! Haha..." > God this is uncomfortable. You are going to warn Dave but you already feel like shit. Fuck. "Don't...Don't hurt him okay?" > There's fear in your eyes now. Not for you but for your boyfriend, which is so much worse in your eyes.

> That snaps you Right out of your bad thought spiral and you quickly wave your hand. "Hey, no, no.  Not gonna hurt him.  It's chill." > There's that smile again, even if it's uneasy and a bit green around the gills.  Your brother and the Felt... "Really.  Just surprised he hadn't mentioned it before now."

> [Dave] GUESS WHY.

" 'kay..." > He probably hadn't mentioned it for a reason. You couldn't have known Dave wasn't supposed to do business with the Felt but you still feel like shit. It makes sense in hindsight and considering your history of course but...You just plain didn't know. > The Pizza arrives but you suddenly don't feel very hungry at all, sipping on you coffee awkwardly instead.

> You're, similarly, not hungry, but you've got to salvage this.  Not telling when or if Sock will agree to see you again after this. "Sorry, I just... Y'know, getting offered a gift by those guys.  If they had snatched Dave too..." > You shake your head, and sigh it off.  Out with the bad. "But they didn't, and that's that.  So." > You take up a slice of the pizza and you point is casually at Sock, an eyebrow quirked. "What're you out there peddling?"

> Oh. You'd really rather not follow that line of thought, yeah.  Smooth topic change. "Dude, don't think I should be discussing that with a cop in a pizzeria. Mr D would murder me man."

"Hey." > You make a show of taking off your badge and laying it upside down on the table. "Off-duty, not a cop.  So is it the good shit, or is it like, oregano in a dimebag being passed off as weed."

"We're still in public man." > And you don't want to piss off your Dad on top of the shit you just pulled.

"Yeah, yeah.  Weren't you in public anyway?" > You chuckle a little and you point toward the kitchen area. "Your big bro used to sell shitty dimebags out of there, way back.  Dealt to all the line cooks."

" Course you did." > You roll your eyes behind your shades. "What you want an inventory list? Okay I'll just tell you my favorite product aight? Kinder Überraschungseier......The surprise is Cocaine." > Huh, sure did slip into your mother tongue there. Welp..

> Okay.  You actually laugh then. "You're selling Kinder Überraschungseier full of Cocaine.  Shut the fuck up, seriously?" > You're nodding approvingly now. "That's a fucking great idea.  Where the fuck'd you get the chocolates, though? Make them yourself?"

> That makes you feel..really proud? Huh. You can't stop the big dorky grin from spreading on your face. "Best idea I ever had, honestly. I'm importing them from earth, duh. Along with a bunch of other banned sweets and shit. Who the fuck thought peeps are illegal anyways?"

> You balk at that and you laugh again. "Peeps are illegal here-- wait, shit, right." > Smack your forehead. "That's my job to know that now.  Wow, fuckin fire me now."

"Maybe I should show you my stock, just as a reminder. A fucking lot of dumb shit is. Fucking Lattes were banned man. Until the King unbanned them just for Jude which is honestly so fucking stupid. Way to play favorite, just like royalty should am I right? Not that I'm complaining, love me a big fat Latte." > Man it's...Nice to be able to make that kind of shit tier level german dick joke and to know you're gonna be understood just fine.

> You snort your water and you pull a face,but you're clearly goofing around a loving it. "Fucking nasty, dude.  I don't need to hear about your love of big hot fuckin Lattes."

"Aren't you glad the prospitian monarchy digs a steaming hot Latte too? What a life that would be otherwise." > You snort yourself.

"Jesus christ.  Fuckin whities, dude." > You stuff some pizza in your mouth and you talk withyour mouth full like the fat nasty trash you are. "Can you believe I have to work with them?  Like what the fuck."

"The Queen gives me the creeps with her I love everyone bull. And the King seems like a huge fucking idiot so...Congrats man. Jackpot."

"Not had the chance to meet either, but this is the closest I've gotten to infiltrating the corrupt government yet.  Maybe if I keep my shit up, I can finally overthrow them from the inside." > You are entirely dead seriouus.

"What's the masterplan? Shoot them in public?" > You aren't but you also don't mind the topic. Not a fan of these guys.

"Nah, nah, nothing like that.  Too messy.  Besides." > You gesture at the scar that runs oveer your eyes. "Never been a fan of guns."

"I know." > Hell maybe you should be grateful he ain't. Swords fucked you over bad enough. "Seems like a popular approach is all. Like historically or whatever. But I guess you gotta go for something less stale huh?"

"Of course.  Flashy's the only way to be when you're taking out a corrupt system of government."

"Looking forwards to the show Bro." > Except you hope he's fucking joking.

> You totally fucking aren't. > You toss him a wink, which of course he can't see all that well behind your shades. "Hope it's a good one.  You gonna eat any pizza, lil bro?"

"Oh, right." > You finally grab a piece too. "How's the Cock Special?"

> Stuff the rest of your piece into your mouth and brush the crumbs off of your fingers. "It's not big hot Latte, but it's nice and tasty all up in my mouth, so it'll do."

"I mean we can grab a Latte next time-" > Did you just say next time. Did you just imply you want to meet up like this again? Shit. > Stuff your mouth with Pizza real quick.

> Oh. > Oh... That makes yourr heart do the smiley emote. > You grin a liittle bit about that and you say, voice kinda soft, "Yeah... alright.  I'd like that."

"Me too...I think." > If you don't hurt my boyfriend tonight that is, is what you think.

> Don't you worry, Sock.  Not gonna hurt your boyfriend tonight. > You're not gonna be home, so Dave gets to go unhurt for another night.

> Or any other night Bro.(edited) > Or day, or ever:

> Well, at least you'll try to keep your cool when you talk to Dave about it later.

> That's a good start.

> Fuck yeah.  Before you all finish up here, you nod back to the streets now lightly coat with snow. "You going back to your corner, right?  You need a jacket?"

"I mean, I'll live..." > But it's pretty obvious that you don't have any especially warm clothes on you, you know like an idiot.

"Yeah, and you'll get sick, doofus." > You shrug off your jacket--it's a plain black windbreaker, while you wait for your city issue polcie jacket to come in--and you ball it up, handing it over to him. "Here."

> You open your mouth to respond but the Jacket is already in your hands. Oh. That's..Oh. > Is that what it's like to have a caring older brother? "Thanks..." > The Jacket is far too big for you and smells like Bro. It's a weird feeling to put it on. Like a hug you can wear. > Your heart is doing several emotions.

"Hey, no sweat. No good to go out there to work if you're just gonna freeze to death, yeah?" > You have the server bring you all a box for the leftovers, and you give those to him, too. > You stand from the stand and stretch. "Alright, my lunch is about over.  You ready to go?

"Uh, yeah." > You are still trying to sort your feelings over all of this. It's weird. It's nice. > It's what you wanted all along. > Except for the part where you are scared about Dave. > You get up too feeling like a huge fool.

> You, very very carefully, put your hand on his back and lead him out back into the cold. > Look to him, then to your car. "Back to tthe same corner? Or you got anywhere else you need to be?"

> You tense up just a little at the touch but let it happen anyways. "Y-yeah same place." > You just get into the car quickly to cut off the awkward moment. Not without putting on your seatbelt of course.

> Always seatbelt first, kid! > You buckle in and drive him back to the street corner you found him on, putting the car into park but not getting out. "Alright.  Don't get into any trouble, alright?  Oh, and patrol comes past here in about 30 minutes, so be cool when they pass, yeah?"

"Oh uh..Okay. See you, I guess." > You wave an awkward goodbye, overwhelmed by a lot of conflicting emotions.

> You're about to drive off, but then you open the door and, hanging halfway out, you call to him, "Hey! Love you, Sock."

> That just leaves you starring for a moment. Did he just-? Does he? What. Can not compute. "L-Love you too Bro..." > You are not sure if he heard that with the way you mumbled that. You are not sure if you want him to or not. > It's only getting weirder. > But it also warms your birdy little heart.

> You heard it--you've actually got pretty good hearing still, despite all tthatt music and shit. > You smile and wave again before ducking back into your car and driving off.

> The patrol driving by half an hour later doesn't find a drug dealer, just a crying kid in some back alley. > This absolutely kills the bird.

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. today cleo woke me up before 5 am. 

i had fallen asleep sometime after 1 so i was Not Happy. mom asked me what i  was doing up and i don’t remember if i actually responded or not. i let the dogs outside. wiley was a hassle to get back inside because it was kind of nice out. then as soon as i closed the door behind me and turned around diogi wanted to go outside, because she hadn’t wanted to go outside ten minutes previously. by the time i herded her over to the grass and blocked her off from wandering around the pool the sun was up. 

i went back to sleep even though my body was awake. i think i had craig dreams but they only made me mildly angry. i was mostly frustrated with the people around him. which has been happening in those dreams the last few times i’ve had them over the last, like, year and a half. 

then cleo woke me up by shrieking at 8, and also my alarm went off for some ungodly reason. i booted everyone else out of my bed and out of my room and closed the door. then cleo spent the next literal hour rattling my door and howling. i didn’t want to hurt her or anything, but i did want to cry. by the time she went downstairs to wake someone else up my alarm went off again. i slept in an extra 45 minutes despite the rattling starting up again sometime in the last 15 minutes of my “nap.” 

i was really too tired to do much today. i caught up on some comics, i watched a lot of not-video-game youtube videos, and i started looking up some resources for group-based activities around town. there was something that looked really cool that meets next tuesday... i think it’s all day, or in the evening, so it won’t conflict with therapy.

i had more pesto leftovers with mom. this time i let her start eating way before me so by the time i sat down her concert of disgusting vomit-inducing mouth noises was almost finished. in hell everyone communicates by chewing with their mouths open. the lip-smacking asmr videos make me want to scream and throw my computer.

i don’t actually, like, go and listen to them or anything. but it’s come up before.

sleep deprivation for this many nights in a row (5 i think? 6?) has reduced my patience level to approximately absolute zero. i was having trouble sleeping all year but the last week has been... something special.

i washed my siblings’ bed sheets today instead of dusting. mom wants me to wash all of the sheets every week. i don’t know if that’s really the most efficient use of our water, considering every advice site i’ve looked at has said something along the lines of “washing your sheets every two weeks is great, but once a month or so is also good.” 

maybe there’s no drawbacks to washing your sheets that often. i just don’t know how fast they wear out.

this is bad, but despite telling oz i was too tired to watch a movie, i sat and watched a really long critique of the bbc sherlock show in the late afternoon. i guess part of it was watching something that long by myself i didn’t have to also talk to anyone... 

about halfway through i paused to greet my brother and father as they had returned from their mud run, feed the dogs, and get some thai food with mom. i think i hurt myself trying to eat food that was too spicy... i felt really sick afterward and my stomach is still kind of grouchy with me. even though i am also hungry again because i wasn’t actually full when i stopped eating, i just couldn’t deal with my nerves disintegrating any more.

i keep getting spicy food hoping i’ll develop a better tolerance. i’ve got enough of one to tell different kinds of spices apart and appreciate different “flavors” of “OH GOD WHY IT’S SO HOT IT HURTS” and not get that sick. but the legendary Thai Hot seems to be forever out of my range. Double Thai Hot exists only in rumors. i saw jay get Double Thai Hot once. he caught on fire. and also cried.

i really love the soups that this place makes, but mom doesn’t like the very unique flavors so we didn’t get any. i wouldn’t have ordered the most spice that the cook is willing to give white people if we had gotten soup haha...

ehh, i boxed the leftovers for later. it’s not as good reheated, but i have a strong need for pahd thai and one sitting isn’t going to satisfy me.

oh yeah! around lunchtime i went out and blasted the dogs with the hose. i didn’t brush them afterward because there are five dogs and i didn’t want anyone to get sat on trying to get my brush’s attention. i didn’t take anyone to the mail box today though because it was over 100 even after the sun went down. even i didn’t want to walk the 2 minutes over to the mailbox.

and i maybe figured out what i’m gonna do with that gold bottle cap. i’m gonna slap it on a shiny magikarp and ship him off on the wonder trade. since it has a... less helpful nature (but not as bad as the other two) and no good ivs it will benefit the most from a gold bottle cap, which boosts all your stats to the maximum. all of the pokemon i am hyper training only need half their stats boosted. it’s not too hard to get 3 regular bottle caps, it just takes a while, especially if i am not using the fishing hole because i can’t be bothered to split my attention between film theory and watching my 3ds screen for a 1-second alert that i have to react to.

tomorrow... i gotta email my apartment complex or see if i can find the bed size myself so we can do the new sheets and stuff. and i gotta contact my relatives about my graduation party near the end of july. i think it’s the 23rd. and maybe i will check out one of the social activities available this side of town if i can find one that meets on sundays and is also interesting and/or small enough that it won’t be overwhelming. i would also like to maybe finish the owl picture since i have not worked on that in basically a whole week. and i gotta get this grody nail polish off my fingernails. it can stay on my toenails though because it still looks nice and is also maybe hiding a crack from when i accidentally stomped on my own toes while walking wiley.

it’s kind of weird but i make a very specific series of noises when i am hurt. i think being angry and then disappointed helps me get over the fact that it hurts a little more quickly. like when eve or diogi step on me with their claws, or when i bang my shin against a corner, or when i step on my toes and crack the nail. or burn my hands because the sink water is extremely hot for some reason.

i think... maybe tomorrow i will also try to do one thing from my to-do jar for the first time in over a week. i’ve done most of the major dusting so i will probably only need to devote about 5 minutes to that tomorrow. or maybe i could wipe down the window shades since the duster doesn’t do anything but kick up the dirt.

oh, also marisol is getting back in tomorrow evening so i can finally return her angle and hre devil. whiskey is a good boy. he likes to be picked up and cuddled with, and he is also the size of a small floppy pillow. and also he doesn’t SCREAM AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING WHICH IS A GREAT PERK!!!

it’s about 10 minutes early, but i think i am going to stop soon and get ready for bed. maybe i should take the dogs outside so cleo will wake me up at 6 instead of before 5.

one thing that just occurred to me is that i didn’t feel as depressed today. i mean yeah i felt extremely lethargic and nauseous and i had a headache for literally the whole day no matter how much water i drank. but i also just didn’t put much time into thinking about how bad i feel. i think that is about as good as it gets for me. i don’t know if that’s healthy or not though. since it might just be holding them in instead of dealing with them? i can’t tell if i am avoiding my bad feelings or successfully coping with them. tomorrow i might make some oatmeal cookies... our mixes and doughs are starting to creep up to their expiration dates. asher is getting back in about a week, so i will bake the snickerdoodles around that time. i will have to check for nuts in the mix though. like “this product was made in a facility that also processes nuts” or whatever.

i think maybe trying to jump back on the “doing things” wagon will help me go forward again. and maybe find a goal, since my first one of “learn better cognitive skills to deal with incoming anxiety” got smashed with the whole “you’re not working hard to get better” thing. i guess doing things isn’t working hard. but it keeps me in a better mood than not doing things.

i have ranked my goals in order from “short-term” to “realistically attainable at some point in the future when broken into smaller steps” to “life goals” to “optional bonus round.” well, i don’t really have a lot of goals to put into any of those categories, but i feel that it will be a useful ladder to use if i do find some goals to have. maybe that will help me draw a picture of “who i want to be” which will give me some kind of vague idea of what i should look like in the future? what philosophies are important to me? how do i want to treat other people? what do i think about these and these issues and what am i going to do about them? 

i will try not to overwhelm myself right away and just kind of pick things up as i walk by them for now. and i will keep doing a few stretches during the day. 

maybe, starting on monday or tuesday, i will put some time into trying to feel invested in my writing again. i still remember where a lot of “following that train of thought” needs to happen. after i get everything down for real this time i can start cutting unnecessary things out and making an actual next draft. that’s always the REALLY hard part for me. 

i think i could do that on tuesday. ask for some input from my therapist in specifically feeling more interested in things i create.

ok, now it is just after 12:25. i have now made full use of my allotted journal time and i feel like i maybe got somewhere with it which is nice. now i just gotta pick up all these beans and play the lottery.