#ive got symptoms(tm) of a lot of shit the others dont have
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theres so much abt me / some of the others thats like. lol the second any of us says shit online were getting dogpiled
#self dx discourse and lgbt discourse my dearly detested#how the fuck did we get to the point where the internet thinks d.i.d.#is a fucking hashtag prideflag pluralgang i decided to be multiple uwu choose your own identity adventure#how did we get to the point where someone deciding actually... i wanted internet points... so sasuke uchiha is my mind roommate in my brain#is somehow an '''identity''' you can just '''identify''' as#but an actual real life d.i.d. motherfucker#waking up in a body thats been medically transitioned away from birth sex#and now has dysphoria bc hey wait a sec#lol there are so many circles where thatd be called 'cis' or 'detransitioned' or whatever#but hows it any different#im in a mood man fuck yall#.dtxt#edit: oh right the self dx part#ive got symptoms(tm) of a lot of shit the others dont have#and because the others dont show symptoms of it#its very unlikely that those conditions have any physiological markers in my brain#most likely the body/brain does not physically have that particular disorder bc the others dont experience it afaik#but that doesnt mean im not dealing with the symptoms all the fucking time#and despite being a very logic and science based jackass#i cant just close my eyes and will away the symptoms i 'shouldnt' be having#im dealing with them and learning to cope with them just like everyone else#but theres no fucking chance of a dx for something im already living with#bc the others dont have it#¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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ok idk guys but dont bother reading its shit, especially like if were actually friends this is kinda personal so dont i just need to get it out
like the last couple years (more, say since last two years of school) ive only had crushes on girls (or female aligned nb peeps) so idk but ive been pretty much considering myself gay. but im also a lil bit fucked in the head and as soon as someones nice to me theyre the best person alive and i love them the most. after the whole thing with my last fp ive been feeling weirdly ok like that dumb part of me didnt exist anymore i dont give a shit about the affection and validation of others anymore. i dont need it. around crhistmas this one guy crushed on me and i let him and went on a date with him and i was really desperate for someone to like me even tho hes ugly as shit and smells weird it was nice to have someone look at me with soft eyes and hug me yk BUT FUCK THIS SHIT hes a fucking freak idiot and if he ever talks to me again hes gonna catch these hands!!! i never actually liked him and now im stone cold and Symptom-Free TM
but anyway, i uh got confessed to again by another guy hes in my class and it haunts me he never even talked to me before that??
aint i popular do these boys even look at my face or what
but at first i thought he must have lost a bet or shit cause hes like, one of the cool kids i guess but seems he really does like me nd this bothers me a lot cause i dont wanna break his poor young heart and ruin my reputation (what, i already fucking destroyed it by going on this one date with freak boy and one of the upperclassmen saw us and now hes always bringing it up on parties, ill never recover)
anyway t bothers me so much that this kid appears in my dreams and shit and idk man. i guess im not as stone cold as i thought hes kinda cute (like, objectively viewed. hes a lot better looking than freak boy and i actually went on a fuckin date with him what on earth was i thinking i wanna die) and i feel really bad that i accidentally ignored him when he said hello to me today and i catch myself thinking shit he hates me now, AS IF I CARE??? like, dont do this dont rely on affection from someone again pls dont go there again im begging myself i dont want this happening
and also, really shitty but. the fact that i like girls is like, one of the few things about myself that ive been sure of the last years and now i kinda start liking this boy??? bergh. disgusting. ive established myself as a lesbean, my friends who are also gay... they will reject me
like honestly ive been feeling very shitty mentally lately for various reasons and this is just coming on top and i just really dont want to rely on what other people think of me ever again but how do i stop myself from this i dont know ive been doing so good since new years why must this happen to me now
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