#ive cried a lot to this sometimes out of happiness sometimes out of sadness

[noonajoe]

Contractions. (Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader)

Matching : Kuroo Tetsurou x pregnant!reader

Word Count: 701

TW: pregnancy, birth contraction, angst, fluff, comfort, supporting couple, hospital

©noonajoe (Published on 31 March 2023 - 23:03 Bangkok Time) this story is not going to be sold, modified, or translated in any manner.

You squeezed Tetsuro’s hand for the 20th time, unable to sleep. You have been struggling with 17 hours of contractions, waiting for your baby to arrive in this world. However because this is your first pregnancy and you also experience vomiting and dizziness, the doctor suspects this has to do with your asthma. It went well for 8 months, and at week 34 you felt a cramp in your belly. Kuroo went panicky after that and took you to the hospital.

Sometimes pregnant women who are in labor scream, cry, cursing at their husbands to relieve stress and pain. However, you felt tired and hard to breathe most of the time. It worries Kuroo the most because you looked paler minute by minute. Also, you minimize conversation with your husband because you just want to close your eyes and bear the pain.

“Honey if you want to cry, scream, or punch to relieve the pain, you can do that to me” he worriedly stares at you. You lay weak in the hospital bed, with IV drops punctured in your wrist. 

"Crying wastes much energy, you know once I cried I barely stop,” you answered.

He leans closer to the bed, put his hand on your forehead, and felt cold sweat drenched in your pale face. "I know, but you don't have to bottle up your feelings now. You're tiring your emotions too hon. Crying may be exhausting physically but it relieves your stress"

You still close your eyes, eager to open them. In the end, you slowly talk to him, grabbing his hand tightly because your belly is contracting again, "... It hurts"

"Go on, tell me more," he said, grabbing your hand tightly and rubbing your knuckles slowly. "It feels like he grow bigger, but pushing the birth canal" you cried with your eyes closed. "It's been 17 hours of contraction so you'll improve a lot, hon. It's already 6 cm dilated"

For the past 17 hours, you keep thinking if you ever survive this birth labor. Because this pain also increases your overthinking, and that is the reason why you don’t want to talk to Kuroo because you are worried to make him sad. "What… if I don't make it" you finally asked with your half-opened eyes.

He took a deep sigh and smiled, "You're the strong woman of hell I have ever known. You never give up on every misery in your life, right? Then so do you now. I believe you’ll survive this"

"..." you slowly closed your eyes and remained silent.

"Keep talking. Don't be silent honey, you can't sleep now. It’s time to take a walk again, 20 minutes walk okay?" Kuroo encourages you to keep awake. For the past 17 hours, doctors suggest you take a walk for 20 minutes per hour. You barely did it because it hurts like hell when she walks for the first 3 minutes. Kuroo struggles to convince you, he didn't dare to force you in your pale gaze.

“I don’t want to….” you cried, this time you cried deeply. Your tears suddenly flow a lot. “Hey hey honey, don’t cry.” He hurriedly hugs you in your sleeping position. He rubs your back gently. 

“This time, just 5 minutes, okay?” he negotiated, "No no no I don’t want to Tetsu:((" you still cried, this time you gripped his hand tightly because the contraction goes on again. Suddenly you felt out of breath, because of the contractions and sudden crying, Kuroo calms you down and told you slowly breathe.

"Honey, please for our Hiro, just 5 minutes, okay? Hiro will be happy if his mother quickens the birth, he can't wait to see his mama and papa, remember?" he encourages you. Tenderly stares at you, which also worries you. Tetsu has been accompanying you for 17 hours straight in the hospital, you know his anxieties increased since you ask him if you didn't survive. He still shows you that smile even though he’s damn more worried. He wants to fully support you emotionally.

He rubs your knuckles with his trembling hand, you felt it, and notice he’s extremely worried. Worried if you may not survive, worried if he loses you.

You tried to sit up from the bed, and Kuroo helps you. You stare at him who’s sitting beside the bed, still staring at you. “Okay…. 5 minutes. I’m going to survive this and take care of our baby together. Okay, Tetsu?”

“I could have not been prouder than that, babe” he smiles.

[youngestdaughtersyndrome]

Tagged by my darling @glassangels <3<3<3

1. Are you named after anyone? Im named after a kinks song which is a massive win for me personally. They almost named me rosa after the pixies album (which wouldve made sense bc we do in fact surf) but one of my moms friends was already knitting a sweater with the kinks-name on it and she convinced them to keep it. My middle name is also my paternal grandmas middle name so i guess that counts too

2. When was the last time you cried? No idea tbh. That thing where you lie down on your side and then your eyes start leaking happens to me a lot but a proper sadness-induced cry hasnt happened for months. I will say that sometimes i say something made me cry, and although it technically didnt due to no tears falling, it did make my soul hurt and crying is the closest phrase that expresses that <3

3. Do you have kids? Thank god no

4. What sports do you play/have you played? Soccer, ran track for a bit, ultimate frisbee, swimming, fencing, fighting (mma, kickboxing, cage, etc), equestrianism (im including my brief and unimpressive time vaulting here), did some stuff with a circus briefly (contortionism, aerial arts, lyra), and then the usual outdoorsy shit (surfing, bouldering, hiking, skiing, and since caving is technically a sport, caving). Also danced for a bit (ballet, contemporary, and jazz). Yeah man idk either

5. Do you use sarcasm? Technically yes but its less "sarcasm" and more "inability to express a truth about myself without making it into a joke". A bit of sarcasm when the time calls for it is always fair game though and i will indulge

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone? The way they carry themself says a lot about their temperament and emotional state and whatnot so thats typically where my eye is drawn. Second place goes to wherever theyre keeping their valuables on them and how expensively theyre dressed though

7. Eye color? Blue but ive got a bit of yellow central heterochromia so they tend to look green if its bright out

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Kill them <3 scary movies 4ever

9. Any talents? Party trick-wise i did retain some contortionist ability and so thats always a good one to break out. Also can spit water up to 30 ft for tooth gap reasons. I am the type of person whos just naturally good at a lot of things (sorry) so i consider that a talent too

10. Where were you born? The top left corner of the USA, not including alaska

11. Hobbies? Writing, journaling, watching movies, reading, various textile arts, going for walks, playing assorted instruments, and occasionally traditional art (im particularly fond of ballpoint pens and oil pastels). Would say listening to music but thats a job to me and i clock into that shit like i get paid

12. Any pets? Maeve the most anxious dog in the world who i love very much <3

13. Height? 5'8/172 cm

14. Favorite school subject? I was a school hater so it really depended on the teacher... in high school i did have the same teacher for like three years in a row (she taught me english in freshman year, history in sophomore, + health in junior) and she was totally awesome so all those classes were great. Typically the classes i had the most fun in were english and history just bc there was more room for fucking around. In the single semester of college i took i did have crazy amounts of fun in my film class though which i will say was mostly because my professor rocked and i got him on my side early so i could kind of do whatever

15. Dream job? Due to the Issues and also common sense mainly i just wish the government actually took care of people and i wouldnt need to work. But if i have to chose a job than itd be a) writing a book or two that are good enough i could live off the royalties and film rights and whatnot for the rest of my life or b) pulling an enya (dropping some widely beloved and largely incomprehensible music and then disappearing totally from the public eye to live in a castle in the middle of nowhere)

Idk whos already done this so ignore me if you have lol @supersonic1994 @nothingrhymedwithcircus @hauntedwoman @halogenstreetlight @evebabitzgf @serethereal and anyone else who wants to <3<3<3

[lynnthefrenchtoast]

Lines from "In The Other Universe" that I CANT GET OVER

in which a fanfic writer (me) overexplains her oneshot bc I NEED TO RAMBLE AND MY IRLS FOLLOW ME ON EVERY OTHER PLATFORM SO TUMBLR IS ALL! I! HAVE!

(u should prob read it first this wont make sense otherwise)

"Even though it was not his name, Yin Yu turned"

i dont know if this is a canon scene or not (sue me the books are LONG and hard to buy in my country) but i've read about yin yu getting mistaken for yizhen and getting totally upset. so i decided to start this fic with him being so okay with it that he responds to qi ying's name as if it's his own.

(also because if ur so close to someone, ur nosy abt their business because it also becomes your business) I WANTED TO CONVEY THAT CLOSENESS FROM THE VERY FIRST LINE

"Should I tell Yizhen you can't even recognize me?"

CANON YIN YU IS SO GLOOMY AND HONESTLY WE UNDERESTIMATE HIS POTENTIAL TO BE TEASY. i just know he could be. all hard workers have a sarcastic inner voice

"The man damn near shits his pants"

AHAHHA okay look. i have this tendency when writing to be REALLY PRETENTIOUS AND FANCY. and ive learnt that usually NO ONE GIVES TWO SHITS. compared to genshin, tgcf fanfics are so beautifully written and sometimes i gotta remind this fandom to SPEAK INFORMALLY (unless its qi rong. then. yea. BUT WHO READS QI RONG FICS?)

"The blank wrist that has never known the kiss of cold metal"

I RIPPED MY OWN HEART OUT WITH THIS ONE

"In this universe, he discovers it's such a simple thing to be happy."

proof that quanyin is literally hualian's cousin

the entire earring scene

i am a sucker for qyz's over-attachment to the earrings. ik a lot of ppl think he's like this because its the only thing yin yu ever gave him but NO headcanon that even in the other universe, yizhen would be overly attached because hes a puppy

he xuan scene

canonically, he xuan would NEVER. bc 1) he's too lost in his own ways to ask for advice and 2) it would fuck with his earth master disguise too much. but since it's the other universe!!!! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.

“Yizhen’s victory is my victory,” he declares, with a tone that leaves no room for argument. “His loss is my loss. When Yizhen cries, I am sad. When Yizhen smiles at me, my heart is so full it could burst.�� He brings two jade white palms together, interlocking the fingers like entangled limbs on a hot summer morning. “We’re like this. One shared past; one shared future. As a Shixiong, don’t you think rather than being jealous, I’m extremely proud of how far he’s come?”

my favourite freaking line can you tell? IT SHOWS THEIR ABILITY TO ROOT FOR ONE ANOTHER. SHOWS EMPATHY. SHOWS LOVE. ("my heart is so full it could burst") THE RECALL TO THE MORNING THEY WOKE UP TOGETHER, REMINDING YOU OF DOMESTICITY AND SIMPLICITY AND TRUST AND CLOSENESS.

ONE SHARED PAST; ONE SHARED FUTURE ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? this is all i ever wanted for them. to be able to grow together and live together and die together. TO HAVE A SHARED PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE.

this line is also loaded to me bc i once wrote a fic called "entangled pasts; estranged future" that wasnt good enough to be posted but GOD IT REMINDS ME SO MUCH OF IT

"Here, he never needs to know the weight of a mask – neither physical not metaphorical."

i dont like how i worded this but IT NEEDED TO BE SAID. YIN YU NEVER NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO WEAR THE WANING MOON MASK but more importantly NEVER NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO WEAR A MASK TOWARDS QUAN YIZHEN. NEVER NEEDS TO HIDE RESENTMENT. im shaking with all they couldve been and didnt become.

"Here, Brocade and Immortal are just two words"

hear that? its the sound of me BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL AAAAAA I SO DESPERATELY WANT THIS TO BE REAL i mean i understand if they werent so tragic i wouldnt love them as much but IT HURTS! (*100 teehee)

"Sure it will."

i actually hate myself why did i end it like that even in my fanfic i cant let them be happy. huh. i have to subtly hint that this isnt what happens.

its actually so upsetting that the whole fic is so nice and healing and all of it is just overcasted by this knowledge of "its not real. they never get to be this happy. what really happens is they resent each other and leave each other and they become one shared past; two estranged futures."

you can call me insane. im aware no one thinks this deeply about fanfiction and most people are on the site for smut. BUT I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT IT SO YOURE FORCED TO LISTEN TO ME RAMBLE

[lilrainclouds]

this is the app for me to be mentally unstable, delusional, and completely unhinged. remember that. not that anyone will read this but it should be said.

anyway im so sad. like incredibly. the friends i have who i love dearly are actually making me feel insane. my identity isn’t my identity because there’s loopholes and certain stipulations i don’t check the box for.

‘are you identifying as you are because you can’t decide? i know you don’t like making decisions’

that’s not the same fucking thing but now i feel insecure about my choices. everything i thought i knew has now come into question and i hate that. my identity is mine and i can choose to identify how i please, supposedly, as now im letting them convince me otherwise.

another thing. everyone is lying and everyone is faking it. i hate having this mentality but everyone leaves too so like what else should i think. i thought i grew out my my ‘feeling like a stepping stone’ phase but i guess not.

somewhere along the way i do know that i am the problem. i dont stick up for myself. i dont take charge in certain situations. i dont have the confidence to fake it till i make it in a lot of situations unless im pretending to be happy. i can fake happy all day long. bottling up emotions is the one thing im good at. well…sometimes. my neighbor actually told me how interesting it is to see me just in good moods but she knows im hurting. she doesn’t know everything but she knows about her. my delusion. whatever.

im going to circle back to being the problem. i have a lot to do for growth to be the best version of myself. by no means did i assume i was done and okay that’s not how the world works. however i can see now im a lot farther away from being a better me. maybe im too hard on myself but i dont think so. if i actually spoke my truth instead of worrying about what people thought or being scared of coming on too strong maybe, just maybe, life would be a little different. i dont know. putting that feeling into words is hard for me.

maybe im a bad person. i just might be a bad person.

i cried on my way to work this morning. ive never felt lonelier. maybe its just my cross to bear. being lonely.

[aliens-took-my-iwa-chan]

For the character ask: Rachel with 21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

oooo thanks for the ask!! always happy to see more rachel hehe

my favorite thing to do when writing rachel… okay I have two things!!

1) nicknames for the main boyos! dialogue works so much better when she calls hyde ‘master hyde’ and jekyll ‘dr. jay’. it may be a small thing but it does wonders for characterization ^-^

2) picking a side for her loyalty! I think we all know how strong rachel’s loyalty is, but it can sometimes be a little difficult to choose where to direct it depending on the plot 😅 the conclusion ive come to is that as long as you can give it firm reasoning and then fully devote her to that side, its probably gonna work pretty well regardless of the side you choose (for things like if shes happy or sad once she finds out that j&h are the same person, not for things like ‘would she work with moreau’ xD) (its important to keep her morals in mind,, she has extremely strong morals and wouldnt cross them) doing this enhances characterization by 1000% and overall makes her very realistic ^-^

…at least to me idk im the author xD I could be so wrong here xD

now for my least favorite thing to write for her… probably crying? I know I add it into a lot of my fics and it works pretty well for her characterization,, I just dont like writing it xD she deserves the world and should never be sad!! ( + i know strong female characters can cry,, it just makes me feel bad when *only* she cries)

thanks for the ask!! I love rachel with my whole heart,, 10/10 one of my favorite characters in the whole comic ^-^

[ubike-official]

my dear friend ive been thinking of you talking about having self hatred blinders on with your trip and it really resonated with me like yeah thats exactly what im dealing with rn and trying to pry them off myself but still struggling with it even as im aware of it, i was wondering if u had any tips for moving forward and out of that kind of self hate and trauma fueled horse blinders mindset (aside from yknow. general healing and unpacking it all). no rush or pressure for replying i was just wanting to pick ur brain a little about it ily i hope ur day is going well

Hi Rey, my friend Rey! Thanks so much for being patient with my reply. I wanted to really sit down and give you a good proper answer here so I reviewed the Ancient Texts (my old journal entries). One thing that really helps for me dealing with the trauma self hatred blinders is the feeling that I owe it to myself to be confident. I think of sad little child me and how I know she wanted to be confident and accepted. And when I think of how others made me feel this hatred and that it's not a natural state. That my natural state was happy even if it was short lived, that i deserve to return back to that state.

Now thats easy said but very much not easily done. I still have moments where I realize after the fact i was isolating and falling into bad habits. Like when I was abroad i remember once the guy sitting next to me said hi to me outside of the school gate and was inviting me in to come talk with everyone and i literally ran away and tripped down a flight of stairs where no one saw me, cried, and dragged my bloody knee to a pharmacy to buy a bandaid and no one batted an eye. At that moment i felt like what just happened was proof that I was awful and no one cared about me. But in hindsight that wasn't true. Those people were inviting me in and i ran away. And i wasnt a bad person for that! i just had a lot of trauma and needed some grace and time to process it!

And it took me around 3 months to muster up the courage to try again. And I mustered it a couple of ways. One of my very bad traits that I'm working on is judging others. I remember there was this guy that took the same bus as me, that had such an obnoxious Australian accent and was so Caucasian and had the audacity to just talk to anyone. And I haaaated him. But like, one day it clicked while i was being a hater, this dude legit did not know or care who i was. he had friends and did so many things i wish i could've done. I stopped seeing him but soon a similar guy appeared that was of the same type of person, and one day I talked to him. And it didnt amount to much. But it helped me get over that block. Because if i was gonna spend all that time disliking him, i wanted him to at least know who the hell i was. at least once. Not for external validation, for me. And I feel like sometimes having that awkward, scary conversation can really help.

In terms of processing and healing I really love physical journaling. It doesn't need to be fancy or coherent, but writing it down, especially before bed helps me really process whatever things are weighing me down. I like to get it out right before bed so i can go to bed with a clear mind and not have the 3am lying in bed spiral. And def try to gauge what things you can unpack and resolve with a session otherwise it can leave you worse off.

One thing that helps for me that may not work for you or others given your health situation. I think a casual low intensity amount of drinking with friends or at a bar in a safe space helps. For me being just a little tipsy makes me put my guard down and connect with others and gain confidence from small, low commitment, one off interactions with strangers. This can also be replicated Non alcoholic/substancy in like a cafe, library patio, or community setting. If you're able to find somewhere accessible to you and be a regular and say hi, get some low level interaction. When I came back home from Taiwan I made it a habit to try and say hi to people when i went for walks and just get comfortable doing that. Or I'd make small talk with checkout clerks at the grocery store and juat add a comment in. Like sometimes I'd just rehearse saying something about the weather or the week or idk, anything. And just whip it out of your back pocket. Sometimes it'll land, sometimes it wont.

Hope this is at least somewhat helpful! you've got this, we're in this together^^

[pancake-bun]

got tagged by my good buddy @skeletood and its been a hella long time since ive done one of these so here we go!

1. Are you named after anyone?

nope! dont think so anyway :V

2. Last time you cried?

last time i cried was uuhhhh like a few weeks ago. very uh sad day :'I

3. Do you want kids?

hell nah

4. Sports?

when i was a kid, my mom made me do tennis because she really wanted me to do SOME kind of sport like she did. yeah that didnt last very long

5. Do you use sarcasm?

absolutely

6. First thing you notice about people?

the face! idk its just usually where my eyes go to i supose

7. Eye color?

ive got hazel eyes c:

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

ideally both but there really hasnt been a good scary movie in a long time (imo) so happy endings are always great (if theyre written well)

9. Any talents?

just drawing really lmao. ive dabbled in other things but like....im not good at anything else tbh

10. Hobbies?

drawing, gaming, and sometimes baking!

11. Do you have any pets?

i had dogs when i still lived with my parents but they obviously couldnt come with me when i flew out. i miss them lots tho

12. Favorite school subject

surprisingly enough my fave subject in school was english! i even liked it better than art classes but thats mostly cause all my art teachers were ass

13. Dream job?

id love to work in character design one day! maybe! idk!!!!!

thanks for the tag skele!! ♥ this was fun :D

i never tag anyone in these so if anyone wants to give it a go then feel free! c:

[goodfully]

okay ive never used tumblr before so i dont really know how posts are typically formatted, however, i do just want to use this mainly to word vomit so! jumbled messy thoughts on brothers karamazov, books five and six:

ive only read up until here so far, but im pretty sure that this is my favorite part of the entire book. the contrast is so insane, i adore dostoevsky. book five was so dense with heavy cynicism and doubt and followed book six being so reassuring and calm. part of me wishes that i was able to read both parts immediately after the other hahaha i also think that anyone that wants to read the brothers karamazov but does not want to read the brick of a book it is, they should read books five and six! just the chapters focused on ivans and zosimas perspective of faith, i mean.

i think that the idea that “the world is so evil, there is no way a benevolent god could have created it” is probably one of the main reasons ive been so unwilling to believe that there is a god, and its one of the main things that ivan was explaining to alyosha in book five. its so hard to accept that any amount of suffering is going to be worth whatever this all is. and yet… my goodness. humanity needs god? whether it is god that created humankind or humankind inventing god out of necessity… and just like ivan, i think ive always believed that believing in god would heal me somehow, that ill finally understand how to be alive as a human being when i do... the need to know what it was all for!

also the sticky little leaves part that ivan said!!! “i want to live, and i do live, even if it be against logic, tho i do not believe in the order of things, still the sticky little leaves that come out in the spring are dear to me, the blue sky is dear to me, whom one loves sometimes, would you believe it, without even knowing why” real real real. and ahh, alyosha responded something like how you can only understand lifes meaning after you love life (before logic)… which makes sense but yk, i always thought it was the opposite, that i had to understand lifes meaning in order to love life and be happy, but it was a very hopeless and sad conclusion. so this made me feel better honestly.

agh… and the whole “grand inquisitor” poem was so dark and insane, it tore me to shreds. i actually dont know what to say, except maybe now i understand why its the most famous chapter in the book.

i adore ivan and i adore alyosha and i adore their relationship. the way they speak to each other with love and respect for the other, even tho they believe in totally opposite things. im not sure about alyosha bc ivan was doing most of the talking, but my impression is that they were searching for answers from the other, they really do love each other. “tho im terribly fond of one russian boy named alyosha” sobs. “i thought, brother, that when i left here id have you, at least, in all the world” cries. “so alyosha, if indeed i hold out for the sticky little leaves, i shall love them only remembering you. its enough for me that you are here somewhere, and i shall not stop wanting to live. is that enough for you? if you wish, you can take it as a declaration of love” weeps.

okay about the zosima chapters… the thing is that even tho i have a lot of thoughts and feelings regarding faith, i am not a religious person, so i do wonder how someone who is christian would feel reading this book. for me tho… reading these chapters somehow made me feel the closest to having faith in anything ever hahaha… i dont think i care more about “gods truth” or anything, but just… i think ive been isolating myself way too much and thinking that everything must be done and figure out how to experience the fullness of life by me alone. and then zosima hits me with a “everywhere now the human mind has begun laughably not to understand that a mans true security lies not in his own solitary effort, but in the general wholeness of humanity.” and i believe that, i do! esp with how much individualism and capitalism stinks up this place. but i forget when it comes to myself i think…

i think my favorite sections from the zosima chapters are the ones about praying, loving, and judging others. uhm i dont pray, altho i think its mainly due to the fact that i do not know how to pray, and its not like zosima explains what praying is like exactly… but his words make me think that its just a very personal thing..? ahh anyway, the lines about love love love. “love man also in his sin, for this likeness of gods love is the height of love on earth” and “if you love each thing, you will perceive the mystery of god in things. once you have perceived it, you will begin tirelessly to perceive more and more of it every day. and you will come at last to love the whole world with an entire, universal love”… lives in my mind constantly now, its crazy its crazy i dont understand why his words mean so much to me. dostoevsky gets me, he really does.

ofc theres so many good lines from zosima, and this one probably isnt that great of a line compared to the many others, but to me at least, i started crying here hahaha it was pretty much at the very end of book six: “but woe to those who have destroyed themselves on earth, woe to the suicides! i think there can be no one unhappier than they. we are told that it is a sin to pray to god for them, and outwardly the church rejects them, as it were, but in the secret of my soul i think that one may pray for them as well. christ will not be angered by love. within myself, all my life, i have prayed for them, i confess it to you, fathers and teachers, and still pray every day.” ahh!!! im not even religious, and tbh ive not felt much when someone tells me they have prayed for me, but… maybe its bc i hate how mentally ill i am and hate how much i self sabotage and destroy myself, but some fictional monastery elder saying that he prays for and loves someone like me??? i cried real tears.

im probably being very dramatic, but after reading the zosima chapters esp towards the end of book six, i felt… so much love? i felt so loved. and yet also somehow guilt for not loving the world enough and not believing in mankind enough. i have to accept the world and of humanity and of myself, and i must love, oh how i must always love! zosimas such unconditional and undifferentiated love is so important to me, i dont know what to do… i think that reading this book has done more for me (regarding faith in the world and everything) than anything else has hahaha. it feels so silly bc im not even halfway done with the book yet and i already feel that this is the most important book ive ever read. its also funny bc you read the little paragraph on the back of the book and the first sentence describing the book is that this is a murder mystery (the actual murder hasnt even happened yet!) hahaha i love this book truly truly.

[dayurno]

you are so cute and sweet but UR PINTEREST BOARD LINK DOESNT WORK FOR ME be still my tender heart…… that is ok im imagining it in my mind palace. unfortunately i actually am like. kind of a freak and all my ideas live in my brain space and jumbled notes + so i don’t have anything fic-specific BUT. i Will grant you my kevin (https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6jtCq6lXKxJeaIEEZ4mNoO?si=HZJJ-rwTTmShM8z1bL7M7A&pi=u-HaC1d26IRgKR) and jean (https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0s4McJXNv5B0kM3zkcmWMv?si=PTIG6mYSTG2mvhqrbL7dDA&pi=u-9TZa7fgfQnS-) playlists respectively. i listen to them + my aftg playlist a lot while writing and many of the songs in them make me think of kerejean anyway :3

i am an unrepentant jeredrew enjoyer. i think they would make the silliest bffs possible. that lucky-slice art was soooo special to me. andrew just, of course, immediately hates kevin and jean and doesn’t trust their intentions. especially because of how they meet which i don’t know if we need to get into now... the feeling is very mutual though (and kevin is salty because in his last year of college he tried to have andrew recruited to the foxes and andrew ignored the hell out of him and followed jeremy to USC instead). the antics and dynamics are very very fun to write. jean compares what andrew is to jeremy as what neil is to kevin at one point and kevin is scandalized.

also due to the contents of this blog i feel like ive really undersold this fic by not mentioning the BITING sooner. i just think you need to know there’s lots of casual biting. of all varieties…. Heheh. kevin warns jeremy that jean is a biter very early on and refuses to acknowledge the fact that he too likes to nibble on boyfriends…… jeremy joins them ^-^ kevin complains so much when he’s being attacked by both of them. they’re really cute and very special to me

I'M SO SORRY LOVIE ITS UP NOW....... i forgor it was a secret board...... BUT NOW IT IS NOT >:)

CAN I SAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! YOUR KEVIN PLAYLISTTTT..... more than a woman by the bee gees you really understand it all so very clearly. acolyte!!! and vienna :) AND KILLER QUEEN WHICH MADE ME REALLY HAPPY and northern downpour too....... i always love when kevin playlists specifically include this very deliberate kind of popular classics that never go away..... and i especially always love when kevin playlists have cheerful joyful music too..... it gets boring listening to the same sad songs again and again! MORE THAN A WOMAN MADE ME REALLY HAPPY LOL kevin day... you are more than a woman to me...!!! just as a last comment the kids arent alright is such a kevinsong i'm so glad you had it too.... blessed be the boys time cant capture :)

i love your jean playlist too!!! It just had more songs i didnt know hehe but i loved glory and gore.... right where you left me;;;; first time by lucy dacus! AND NINA CRIED POWER. i think jean is such a hozier character to me the jean song of all times is 'it will come back' i think it's very how i see him. I ALWAYS WANNA DIE (SOMETIMES) awhagag...... AND ONCE MORE TO SEE YOU which is i fear kevjeanisms to the extreme.... only friend :) these were so lovely thank you i love it i love it all

i was wondering if i ever shared my jean playlist here and i dont think so because it was rather unfinished after all but decided to work some more on it and here it is! and my kevjean too but this one's a LOT more messy! you were warned!!!!

KANDREW BEEF :-) for me you have to have them growing closer later on.... please..... i need jeremy to be disconcerted because kevin gets along well with his impossible to get along with best friend. its important for me. is neil also a milf in this one? are you writing side andreil? so many questions!!!!!! AND BITING WHEH honestly this is all in terms with kevin (the normal nibbler, just autistic) and jean (Predator Instincts Only Slightly Dulled From Years Of Domestication). where does jeremy fall in the spectrum? THEY SHOULD ATTACK KEVIN as often and as hard as possible.... remind him of the food chain a little bit. sir you are under this 23 year old how do you feel. i feel like this age thing really is incredible sorry. maybe its because with canon jeremy is older than kevin but im getting light headed thinking about it..... kevin getting mauled by some guy who just graduated from college. and also of course

kevin taking a stolen drag from jeans cig: isnt that weird? when you were starting highschool i was already in college

jeremy: can yuo put that out on me. please

[one-abuse-survivor]

im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!

[shrineheart]

this is gonna be incredibly cheesy but i finally got back to reading senbazuru. its been like over a year but i thought hey its koros birthday lets do it. i stopped reading because stuff just got so busy and i wasnt into ass class as much anymore. but when i first read it man best thing ive ever read genuinely. changed so much of my ways of thinking and made me feel more positive overall and be able to face hard things. like i legitimately find myself thinking and WORRYING about the ending. like oh god how emotionally devastated am I going to be when this is over. anyways I finally read more of it last night, and i cried bro. on like the miraikan chapter and afterwards stuff. cried. jesus forgot how emotional and wonderful and sweet and serious this is. its helped me throught sad times and through hard gender times and AHHHHHHH. when its all done im gonna print it out for myself and have a forever copy (but still go back and check on it online) senbazuru means sososososo much to me, thank you so much for your hard work and heart you put into it.

I had a scare with my mom recently and my cat's health is declining. As a result, I've been in a pretty bad place mentally the past week.

So seeing this message in my ask box?

Congrats. You made me cry too. <3 (in a good way, I assure you)

I'm glad you love it. I'm glad you kept reading. And I hope the ending won't disappoint. (even if it takes me like, five years to get there jesus christ)

Thank you for reading this self indulgent mess that I've poured so much love and thought into.

Like... with everything going on sometimes life feels really hard and meaningless. It's been really rough lately for me. But seeing things like this, knowing other people have read this thing and love it makes me happy. It makes me feel like I've done something. Even if it's a small something.

I'm still working on Senbazuru. It's usually in bits and pieces. A paragraph here or there before bed. But it's something I'm determined to finish because I want people to get the ending I have written.

I'm hoping, one day, I can get more chapters into my original work to so I can show what I can do outside of the fanfiction genre. The world I have set up for To Take What is Freely Given is fun and has a lot of opportunities for story in it.

Thank you for reading and loving it enough to come back and continue reading. Thank you for this message. It's made my night a little better.

[sunnnfish]

Tagged by @aranarumei ! Thanks a bunch :D going under a cut bc i feel like it

1. Are you named after anyone?

I thiiiink my middle name is named after like a great grandparent or something like that? I forgot. My first name might be too but i also forgot. 👍

2. When was the last time you cried?

Like two days ago? I also cry easily when im frustrated …

3. Do you have kids? / recommend a song?

No kids so im gonna recommend People Become Ghosts by ive… specifically an English cover by UmbraticForest on youtube. Ive recommended it before ill recommend it again i love that song

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I dont… know? Maybe like. If someone asks an obvious question I’ll say the opposite answer sometimes. Maybe im like a medium sarcasm user…

5. What sports do you play/have played?

Growing up it was like. Soccer->softball->soccer->competitive cheerleading->soccer again until like 11th grade. Then no more sports bc i moved schools and there wasn’t any soccer nearby :(

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Hmm maybe like the way they move/hold themselves? If I actually talk to them then like their voice. ACTUALLY i will be immediately enamored if i see them wearing like a pin or a shirt or whatever of something i like. Locked on.

7. Eye color?

Hazel :)

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

The only reason i watch scary movies is bc of my friends. I find them on a scale of boring to actually scary and i dont like either of those feelings mostly. But ill watch them if my friends want to and some of them turn out actually interesting. Just wouldn’t watch them on my own. So yeah happy endings i guess?

9. Any special talents?

I can make a really realistic water drop sound with my mouth 👍 i can also hum and whistle at the same time and i can snap with all my fingers :)

10. Where were you born / what made you make a tumblr account?

A hospital 👍 i actually dont remember when i started using tumblr or when exactly i made an account but i know i started posting January 2020 because of Bakugan and Danganronpa. Mostly bakugan because there was like NO art and it made me sad. And then i got obsessed with danganronpa </3

11. What are your hobbies?

Well uh. Art. Drawing. Yeah. I also do crochet :) and then reading + video games + anime etc etc the whole shebang. Non-media activities include puzzles and gardening :)

12. Do you have any pets?

We have like a billion cats. Seriously. I thiiink we have like 9-10 total? I dont keep track. Long story short one had babies and then two babies had babies and my sister didn’t let us get rid of them. I only care about one hes a huge black cat <3. Plus we also have a dog.

13. How tall are you?

…5 foot even. Tiny guy

14. Favorite subject in school?

Does art count. Also math though i looove math i love how theres only limited solutions unlike English where you get judged for having opinions. And i guess grammar n stuff. Anyways math and logic my beloved.

15. Dream job?

I’d love to illustrate a book… like any kind. Problem is i dont like writing :( and ive yet to know anybody who would work with me… but yeah like a children’s book or a comic book or like illustrated novel like please…. Im trying though 👍

Anyways thats it :] thanks again for the tag… not gonna tag anyone myself because thats so scary so. Open to anyone :]

[caps-clever-girl]

general info tag from @thelastplantagenet and @spineless-lobster! this was very fun thank u <3

1. Are you named after anyone? nope! they only had a boy name picked so they just took a look at me and gravbed outta thin air. mum just knew. i had that kind of face apparently.

2. When was the last time you cried? literally just ten minuets ago when i watched ep 100 of criminal minds. 'hotch barely ever emotes' well hes about to fuckin emote and i didnt love it. also bawled my eyes out on tuesday when i went to see guardians of the galaxy vol 3. absolutely gut punching film.

3. Do you have kids? hell no. i will not be reproducing. would love to adopt a teen if i ever got stable enough to look after myself reliably though, which is a long shot.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? oh ya. big fan of sarcasm.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people? i have no idea?????? what they look like i suppose??

6. What's your eye colour? bleu

7. Scary movies or happy endings? not a fan of scary movies, i cant handle jumpscares. they can be fun sometimes tho. prefer a happy ending with anything; hate films that are sad just to be sad.

8. Any special talents? im hypermobile so im pretty flexible i guess, but ive met fexibler people. survivability?? i probs should have died a lot. i can mimic pretty well i guess.

9. Where were you born? North West UK!

10. What are your hobbies? writing! disecting media! making complex plans, timelines and ocs for huge fics i will never write :')

11. Have you any pets? i have 3 cats whom i love and adore and would kill and die for. and a lizard who hates me and life (and eating). hes cute as hell but an asshole.

12. What sports do you play/had played? never did sport. i am too fucked up :) did manage to do sprint a couole of times tho, if i crack my ankles beforehand im fast as FUCK. i can just only do it for like 100m.

13. How tall are you? five foot fuck all. dont listen to what my mother says.

14. Favourite subject in school? english!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

15. Dream job? would love to be an author. or work with animals. would love to be a records gremlin that lived in the basement of a building organising files.

tagging any members of the hive that havent already been tagged by the rest of us, since i think its getting pretty circular now fhskakkfj

[omegalomania]

i got tagged in a BUNCH of stuff and i'm knocking these out cause i happened to look at my mentions for once.

like 2 months ago i got tagged to answer a thing by @softnsquishable

3 ships: none, none, and none. i have literally zero ships that i actually care about and most im just actively repulsed by lol

First Ever Ship: none!!!!!!

Last song: love from the other side by fall out boy cause i was screencapping the video lmao

Last Movie: i think i rewatched spirit the stallion of the cimarron kinda recently as in like 2 weeks ago so probably that

Currently reading: between books atm but i finished a little devil in america by hanif abdurraqib last month

Currently watching: rewatching the vinesauce tomodachi life series if that counts

Currently consuming: lemon tea with honey

Currently craving: i literally cannot read the word "craving" without my brain finishing the sentence with either "that mineral" or "my mcnuggies" so for legal reasons i cant answer this

then like 2 weeks ago i was tagged by @galactic-mermaid to post 5 songs i actually listen to so i'm gonna plug the ones ive been rotating in my head most recently

love from the other side, fall out boy

playing by the rules, red vox

omen, the damned things

empires, electric swing circus

hast thou considered the tetrapod, the mountain goats

then like last week i got tagged by @nerdangels and @ybcpatrick to answer 15 questions.

are you named after anyone? nope

when was the last time you cried? cleared my sad cache out sometime in january i think

do you have any kids? i have like a bunch of ocs do those count

do you use sarcasm a lot? i have a bad habit of using lots of sarcasm while being incapable of detecting it in others.

what's the first thing you notice about people? trick question i mostly dont notice other people im busy thinking about whatever thing im writing in my head

what is the color of your eyes? brown

scary movies or happy endings? im a huge weenie about horror movies unless theyre really specific ones so i guess happy endings

any special talents? im real fast at puzzles put a puzzle in front of me and i will not stop until it's done. also this is why i don't do puzzles anymore

where were you born? scientists havent yet been able to give me an answer to this one

what are your hobbies? gaming i guess. art and writing are also technically hobbies but they're also things i can't really not do so idk if they count

do you have any pets? nope but my housemate has a kitty cat whom i love dearly

what sports do you play/have you played? i dont do sports. as a kid i tried soccer (was too much of a weird kid and got distracted looking at bugs) and in high school i tried my hand at track and field (was too much of a weird kid and was absolutely miserable doing it)

how tall are you? 5'2"

favorite subject in school? well i loved english so much that i majored in it but i dont really use that degree for anything except overanalyzing 10 year old music videos on the internet

dream job? id love to be able to create for a living somehow. ive been hacking at breaking into publishing but cripes it sure as hell aint easy these days

im not tagging anyone cause these are all old as fuck and also there are like 3 memes here. but you're welcome to do any of them and say i sent you if you like.

[fandommemequeen]

my 2022.

alright gamerz itz that time of year again 4 Gamerz Yearly Retrospective!!!

so uhh im not gonna sugarcoat it: this year rlly sucked. a lot of stuff went down this year that id rather not go into detail abt here, but its been rough and unfair and sometimes i felt like it was never gonna get better. add onto that skool being mega rough, facing tons of imposter syndrome over my identity, anxiety, World Events, and fricktons of executive dysfunction, and youve got urself a total recipe for disaster.

but amidst all the doom and gloom.. i had better days. i played videogames and arcade games, i hugged the stuffing out of plushies, i anticipated release dates for new videogames, i got my hands on the g3 monster high dolls and relieved my childhood, i still luv siivagunner and wii deleted you and invader zim and deltarune, i got into just shapes & beats, i discovered the tourney community through mashup week: megamix and made some amazing friends, i got into creepypasta and yfm and osu and taiko no tatsujin and arcane and tmk, i got kirby and the forgotten land and splatoon 3 both on launch day and have had SO MUCH FUN with both of them, i luved watching ghost files and puppet history s5 after school and catching new toh and g3 monster high episodes,,

ive also acomplished some milestones too. first time getting an award for one of my cosplays, coming out as arospec [and proceeding to fall in platonic luv with my irl bestie xd], getting a compression top/binder, getting the awesome short emo hair i wanted for months, first time cosplaying at a convention, getting diagnosed with adhd and finally confirming what i had suspected for so long but never outright said due to self-doubt and fear of faking, starting medication, being in counseling/art therapy, trying sodas and monster energy and starbucks frappucchinos with no coffee, and learning to luv being "cringe".

but overall the best thing i did to make it through 2022 was,, just being me. i wrote. i drew. i roleplayed. i cosplayed. i scrolled through social media and chatted with friends far away from me. i read and wrote fanfics. i crafted. i brainstormed. i coded. i listened to music and cranked the volume on my gamer headset with cat ears. i was so very Not Normal about fictional characters. i made new friends and still kept up with old ones. i revisited old fandoms. i vibed in the front yard while listening to music. i checked the mail pretty much every day, secretly hoping one of my pieces of fandom merch would be there. i supported my family through the hard times, and they always supported me. i imagined scenarios and animatics and animation memes while listening to music. i listened to fandom lofi while trudging through overdue assignments. i rocked out to skrillex and monstercat and camellia playing beat saber at 8 in the morning for my virtual p.e. class last year. i learned the absolute beauty of platonic love. i started making unironic mary sues just for the heck of it. i felt so many emotions. i cried of happiness and of sadness. i hugged. i made vent art on my phone. i had complicated feelings. i felt like a faker at times. i was [and still am] learning to overcome climate doomism and death anxiety. i was weird, i was imperfect, i was cringe... but i was so cool for embracing my weirdness, my imperfection, and my cringiness, and i wouldnt have it any other way.

i know i can survive whatever life throws at me. ive got my friends and family by my side, and just being me in the face of.. well, everything, is the strongest thing i can do. im tired of lying down and just taking it. im tired of feeling hopeless. i will fight. i will persist. i will find ways to cope with anxiety and executive dysfunction. and above all, i will continue to love. i will love my family and friends who always have my back, i will love my interests and hobbies, no matter how weird they may seem to others, and i WILL learn to love myself.

after my 2019 retrospective post, i always hesitated a bit to look to the new year with confidence and resilience and hope, in fear of my hopes being crushed and being miserable. now i see that no matter what, lifez gonna be hard sometimes, but i am strong and i will NOT BACK DOWN.

so, for the first time in years, ill say it again. and i rlly, TRULY mean it when i say this:

BRING IT ON, 2023. this scenekid and tourney-obsessed geek can and WILL handle WHATEVER U THROW AT ME!!