#ive been tjinking about this all day

[metiredlr]

I had a vision. Hear me out. Jsut hear me this one time

[be-good-to-bugs]

never again would i like to work on Halloween

[youremyheaven]

I MISSED YOU TOO <3333

ive never done any substances (never plan to. i don’t even want to touch cigarettes or alcohol because of past abuse with people who had a bad relationship with such things which was taken out on me instead) BUT one thing about depression that i cant find anyone talking about it how disoriented i am??

im alone these days so i blank at times just sitting on the floor and suddenly its 3 hours later, or i keep sleeping at 4-5am because ive had consecutive nightmares (even during naptimes) and so my sense of time is really really messed up

i still think its the start of september and the worst part is that im not even doing anything, im just blank, but sometimes im sobbing, sometimes im just tired but unable to sleep yk? youre so relatable about the cloudy part too because i still feel like im just in a daze

my last 1h year was actually horrid though. i never thought anyone else experienced it that way but mine was ☺️☺️ not the best. probably the worst year of my life LOLLL

I DID ASSUME YOU WERE A 12HOUSER but i always did just assume that you would have some significant pisces energy somewhere because of general vibes + the life experiences you talked about

the way i’m a 6th houser but im so stuck in spirituality all the time 😭😭 ive been disoriented this entire month but its also bc ive been doing spiritual stuff that kinda results in the detatchment from this 3D body yk? so when i snap back here its just off and weird but its so cool that we are kinda mirroring each other

AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE your analogy about emptiness meaning more space to grow like YES youre so right— i may tjink i have nothing coming up or building up for me rn but that just means more space to create new things i like right?? such a clever and cute way to think about things

- mother anon (an angel that is in the process of sewing on new wings)

"ive never done any substances (never plan to. i don’t even want to touch cigarettes or alcohol because of past abuse with people who had a bad relationship with such things which was taken out on me instead) BUT one thing about depression that i cant find anyone talking about it how disoriented i am??"

GIRLL. first of all, im proud of u for having such a strong stance against substances and i hope it stays that way<3

i was dissociating pretty heavily the last few months and the brain fog took over me completely so i feel u on the disoriented bit. depression manifests differently in different individuals. being angry, taking it out on others, being easily irritable, being unable to enjoy yourself, having no motivation to get anything done etc are all symptoms. ppl always have a black & white image of someone crying all day and while that can be a part of it. depression is a range of behaviours and long term depression often makes it very disorienting to process events and time. you feel disconnected. literally.

"im alone these days so i blank at times just sitting on the floor and suddenly its 3 hours later, or i keep sleeping at 4-5am because ive had consecutive nightmares (even during naptimes) and so my sense of time is really really messed up"

living alone is REALLYYY hard if you're depressed. whatever you just said describes me under the influence of substances. i hope you can spend time with a community bc the key to tackling depression is just getting out of that funk into a new routine that allows you to constructively spend your time and give you a daily sense of purpose.

im sorry u had a bad 1h year :((( i hope it was character defining at least and helped u learn and grow!! we mould ourselves into our highest versions thru our difficulties <3

mother knows best!!! u detected the 12h vibes and u were RIGHT!!

lmaoooo u getting spiritual and detaching from reality and me getting baked out of my mind and detaching from reality is soooo funny!!! at least we both let go!! imagine being attached 🤢🤢🤮🤮🤢EWW lol

im glad u like it!! im empty but i have soooo much room in my heart for all the blessings yet to come!! <33 and SO DO U MAMA <333

may u sew dem wings on and reach places u never could have before!!! u are soooo loved and u will get soooo much better, just hang in there!!! we're all with u<33

love always,

heaven

[nishibai]

fuckigb hey guys 😁🍊

i think my mutuals deserve to know what is up in my life . yk explain why i am dieded a lot of the time. so ill just recap

started school. (Stressful)

got back into basically all my old fandoms. yttd. drdt. dra and sdra2. Yay (^з^)~☆

ummm. im obsessed with my own oc and selfship. its my biggest hpfx ... sorry about that. for more info @ask-nishibai nyahaha my evil nefarious plan to promo my rp blog has eorked.anyways

my bday passed! i am a year older! (you will never know the exact day unless yoy know me like that but.... i birthdayed)

i got better at art! I Think!

uhh im trying to tjink of other stuff thats happenesd..

i got into the outsiders. MY BAD

thats about it. nothing much else. Wait i forgit about the Illness and the bpd... (?) Ok idc.

judt kidding but not really. abywya. i apologize for being dieded.. i hope this sums up what ive been up to

[i-eat-mold]

Monthly (whenever I feel like it-ly) add to this. So they did up my meds a couple weeks ago and for the first few days I felt like I ate the sun (PURE BLISS) though lately I’ve been back to barely getting out of bed. It sucks but I made myself go to prom and drink some wine talking shit with some girls I barely know and smile a lot, real or fake. Today I almost didn’t get up at all but my younger brother (15) asked me to cut his hair and it actually made me feel so cool. Like yes I’ll go cut your hair, child. Let me show you the secret ways. So yeah. I’m really sad and I’d like push me to get out and do stuff but that can wait. Today im gonna get drunk on cheap rum and watch historical drama and tomorrow will the sun will be out again and it’ll be ok. It passed. Itll pass. The sun will come out again.

On the other hand, ive been thinking about a lot of stuff. Although I still struggle to imagine a future where I don’t kill myself, I do sometimes fantasize about working as a forensic doctor or a biologist in the future and I don’t seem so miserable in those visions. Itshard but im trying mybest andil jope someday I get to look vack and say damn tkannk god I didn’t killmjselfIt’s

Anyways I tjink im hetting drunk. Have some critters nsuch from the past week!!!

As usual, little pic dump!! I lovemesome silly little tjings in life

AHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS STOPPING YOU FROM TAKING A SHOWER AT 11 PM OR GETTING DRUNK ON SCOTCH ON A WEEKDAY NIGHT OR CUTTING YOUR OWN HAIR OR DOING ALL OF THOSE AT THE SAME TIME

I had a religious experience today my dudes

Ok point is. You’re young and learning how to live. Who says you can’t do stupid shit? I’m sure there is a reason why responsible adults don’t do these kinds of things and that there are very obviously good reasonings behind it. And what? Fuck around and find out yourself. Sure, you’ll have a terrible hangover on a school night but you know what? You went ahead and did a stupid fun thing instead of rotting in your bed feeling miserable. You can tell your little cousins about the stupid things you did in your late teens. Do it for the plot, do it for the consequences, do it because it’s better than being dead. “I stole private property signs and brought a flask of rum to school with me for my birthday” will make a way better story than “mushrooms thrived in my lungs because I couldn’t stumble out of bed.” I have those days too. It’s fine. You can’t control what you feel, but you can control what you do. The space between all the things that will ever happen to you outside your control is for you to shape and morph however you wish. Fill it with bad choices and ridiculous memories.

I’m still not completely sober so I’m probably making no sense. Not like I do when I’m sober anyways.

Weird art!!

[antijacob]

[drella]

bitches be like crying cuz they don’t wanna go to the fucking dentist

[xiubyuns]

IM GONNA BE HOME IN ABOUT 2 HOURS AND I HOPE EVERYONES READY FOR ME TO REVIVE THE GREATEST FRIENDSHIP OF EXO M

[thevirgodoll]

brooo my best friend sorta disappeared two days back, like we were talking just fine and then suddenly she like deleted all her social media accounts and later on when i called her she blocked me, i got a little too much and started calling her a lot but like she just sorta like blocked me? idk? well later on another friend of mine called her and apparently she just wanted space and ive been doing the exact opposite of that. like i dont wanna make this about me but like i feel bad for like hounding her when she needed space and idk how to make up for it? and like irdk how much space is too much space because what if she needs me but is pushing me away for some reason? like idk how do i know if my actions are pushing the boundaries or not? like what if i give her tooo much space and then we grow apart? or what if i give her too little space that she ends up a messed up because of me? like my friend is like sorta? idk antisocial? ig? and like idk she can live for like weeks without interacting with people idk?? so it wouldnt even affect her if we sorta fall apart? gah when i think like that i start feeling like maybe this doesnt mean too much to her im actually tjinking that rn i dont wanna think like that :(

Doll, whatever she is dealing with, it's not on you. She could've communicated that she wanted space, but she didn't.

It sounds like you aren't used to her taking time away. That would be something for you to evaluate in your friendships and work on. Some people have different thresholds of how sociable they can be. You deserve a friendship that is open about these types of boundaries.

I would say give her time, and if she doesn't come around, her loss! I know it sucks and it's hard, but remove yourself from the situation and breathe! Remember who you are. Don't let anyone define that, friend or not.

[queencryo]

cdda:

so. today i honked a car horn, cuz zombies keep spawni g on my property (big ol farm im hopefully gonna start building walls arounf soon) bc i have wandering spawns n such on (this also means my two remaining horses and two dogs are all cooped up in yhe chicjen coop so that zombies will stop truing yo fight them)

so an6way. i honk yhe horn yo get zombies to spawn, tjinking yeah. lets kinda clear out this area a little (iirc once you kill enough zonbies in an area it stays empty).

next day: like five shitheads spawn inside my greenhouse, and destroy basically every planter in there and most of the greenhouse itself!!! ugh. i clear up the wreckage and.... leave most of it sitting there. maybe ill rebuild at some point? i also move my mostly-intact electric car (with solar panels! :) ) far away from my property, that way it doesnt get roughed up in any scuffles

next day: jesus fuck. i swear two hordes got spawned in different parts of my property. it was. not a hard fight at all, actually (linsey has hells of dodge skill, is fast, and has a cavalry sabre). i had to make like three seperate burn piles, because my corpse/burn pit filled up before i had even a quarter of em in there. so fhat was fun. i didnt even really loot much ofd the bodies, iirc there was basiclaly nothing of interest unless i wanted to clean blood and guts off leather pants to be cut up for raw materials. they ddid almost tear apart like. my backpack AND my utility vest tho, so... was lucky i managed to get those off before they got torn up irreparably.

current plan is to get palisades around mpst of the property (logs are easy, if time-consuming, to get. wire to tie em together with has mostly been from chain-link fences from the nearby town). that... hasnt really started yet, but i5s ginna be a multi-week project, id not more, to actually get all that set up (each one will need about 1/4 - 1/2 of a tree, and i will need.... idk really, but probably over a hundred palisade walls). maybe itd help to get some help, but the only humans ive seen were bandits outside the mansion i was holed up in, anx they... didnt really seem friendly (also last time i went near bandits it took me ~15 quick saves to actually live theu it. so.... fuck guns btw). so. all on my own, lol... might do some packed earth in a few places? that needs a wood frame under the dirt, tho. oooo what if i placed one od those every like 5-10 spaces, so my entire wall doesnt go up if it catches on fire? good idea good idea...

on the bright side, i do have a forge and such set up. i dont have an anvil or like... any tools for it but a hammer, but. we're getting there, lol. need to head into town sometime and get a frame from somewhere (probably cutting up another car wreck lol). need to find a hack-saw, would make that a lot easier... no luck finding such a saw thus far tho. hardware store was useless; some fertilizer, some concrete, not much else. push comes to shove maybe i can make one once i get the forge completely ready? still need an anvil and a swage/die set.

((also apparently taking apart a split rail fence gives you 1000 nails? thats... probably a bug.))

i kind of wanna burn that mansion down. gotta make sure its picked clean first, though. not really a *reason* to burn it down, even, hell whoever owned it probably saved my fuck8n life considering my other options i had at the time (none, basically). not to mention the sword i found in it thats prolly saved my life a half-dozen times. but... i still kind of want to burn it down? maybe i can burn eown that bandit camp instead. that DOES sound pretty great. buuuut then theyll probably come kill me. so. maybe ilk just burn down the mansion lmao.

really wish i could find a decent sidearm somewhere. well. i mean i HAVE one, but its chambered in the one pistol ammo i dont have. so im kind of carrying around a flintlock pistol eberywhere i go (what tje fuck was the up with the dude who owned that mansion? some kind of obsession with history or something? thatd explain the stone axr and the clay pots, too... and the swords...)

Oh! also a few days (weeks? idk) ago I killed one of the horses that were on this property. I then... spent a solid 2-3 full days frantically trying to preserve all of its meat before it rotted. I think I got around 2/3s of it, though a lot of that is smoked. So... I’m gonna be eating smoked horse meat for the next, like. 3 weeks, as much as I can. Before all of THAT rots. I think I’ll be able to ma- wait, fuck. There’s like. 20 lb of sausage that’s on the same kind of cloooooock... well. I mean I guess at least I’ll be the only fat survivor? Kind of a shame I can’t keep this good any longer, though. (oo, maybe I should dig a root cellar? I mean, it’s not really “warm” here this kind of year, but like. Root cellars keep things even cooler, I think? Maybe I could do that, idk. I haven’t really looked at a thermometer in a few weeks lol)

[spil-tmilku]

journal 10/4/17

`I dont see weed as the problem i see my self as the problem. I stand in the way of mysefl on a daily basis. No one else is to blame but  my insufferable self. I like to think and appear like I work hard and have the mindset that i dont know why I dont produce a higher quality of life for myself.

I look at people who can see the bad in their life and decide to change  and I am in awe. They feel a determination that i do not posses that allows them the ability to try 

They decide to

They 

Tried

Speaking of a window, i feel like a cat, in an attic with the light on 24/7 and the only thing in the room is a window. And from that window I 

See a happy couple, arms draped around each other like vines of a withering oak tree. A image i felt a twinging in the pit of me…

Something unusual 

I felt a null looming 

_Suffering

<D--_BB+++++++<3

…………...

I have recently been caught in a trap

Of seeing my exlove with his new girl friend

I pray you see my _sufffering

I have seen yours of all its shades of black

I struggle to remember my oldest memories 

Floating in vast area of endless space

I need to stop thinking of myself as set out of the crowd cause more likely than not i am in the crowd and put myself there more by thinking i'm not <br> Uh maybe <br> I just want to feel happy<br> And i think for the most part i can<br> But days like today make me feel, overwhelmed <br> Like a sink overflowing with dirty dishes<br> I don't want to clean them i want to stare at them for two weeks briefly shrugging at them till i finally i'm forced to face my mess<br> Drop off the w2<br> Find out why the 166 dollars didnt go thru to the gas company<br> Should i send 166 dollars to the gas company now <br> I dont really want to<br> Should i still buy mushshrooms from izzy<br> How do you become financially stable<br> How do you become stable<br> How do you overcome depression <br> How do you stop social anxiety<br> How do you look people you use to know in the eye again<br> How do you maintain relationships<br> <br> How do you not become bitter<br> How do you disappear completely<br> How do you see your best friends baby<br> How do you not become like everyone else<br> How do you fall in love again<br> How do you function again<br>

Why do people get mad at me when i don't hang out with them i can't help it <br> I can't help that the thought of hanging out with someone makes my stomach flip that most of my conversations are excuses i enjoy my own company more than others (this does not include jackson or my dad) im always tired always worn out<br> Need a therapist agian<br> Need to get better again without anyone noticing<br> Whats that radiohead song how to disappear completely <br> Today is just a bad day of course tomorrow i will feel diffrent then the cycle repeats agian <br> I want to go driving in the country woth someone with me i dont know who but we font talk just drive and take photographs of pretty medows maybe that person is lauren, possible yes how to be more like her<br> I tjink im gonna pay thw gas company again

Or maybe not again maybe payment didint go through last time just going to do it <br> Ugh<br> See you later ....

Again my bank account is at zero i wish i knew how to financial make myself stable but I don't know how to do that 

I hate the bank 

It has become my new doctor’s office

Yes i know i overdrew yes i know my bank account is negative again im working on it 

Yes i know you can't draw from a savings account more than 6 times a month i know these things 

But i can't stop them 

My life is a hurricane of actions and at the same time a frozen ocean of inability or motivation lacking

I will figure it out

I will i always do

I won't tell dad 

to me that is failure to tell him i can't give him the money because I failed to keep it saved that is not his problem he has enough to worry about without his 19 year old daughter who cant save her money right 

Jackson when i ask him to borrow which i hate doing doesnt understand that i cant tell him casue that would be accepting my failure and taking the disappointment from not only him but from myself as well

Maybe i just tell myself these things to make myself feel better i don't know 

It works i guess

Some times i see people who are really passionate about something and it makes me wish i was that way again most of the time i can go though the day just convincing myself that i am passionate i am happy and for the most part I think I am but seeing someone who is just so hardworking and passionate about what they love makes me realize I am not. 

It seem to be one financial blundering after another , The reason I need money today is last night my dad told me in a slight drunken emotional whirlwind of his own that he needed me to get the five hundred from my savings account in one hundred dollar bills which would require me to go in and ask for it which normally would be fine but my bank account is at negative and that would just make the situation even worse because they would most likely take from the savings account which would make it a total of three hundred and twenty six dollars approximately. Clearly that is not the five hundred i need to give to him, but another perplexity  i face is whether he even remembers telling me that or not he was inebriated which makes me wonder if he even meant to tell me that but im too scared to ask i am too scared to just act like he didnt say it then he be mad i didn't get it which then i am in even deeper because 

Sometime i like to overreact 

No

Its not overreacting its called over thinking I guess

Whatever

Ive been talking to someone agian

I know that happens a lot but i feel good about this I have been taking my time and keeping my boundaries i think 

His name is quinn or he calls himself romeo as well

We talk 

I enjoy it

I think he does too

There is one strange thing about our history i should say 

We have slept together already

He took me to his apartment one night after we talked and hit it off really well

At joey's house 

It was comfortable we talked for awhile in his bed together and fell asleep 

In the morning we fucked 

The only thing that made it mad was the fact that of course aubrey played into it somehow

But he was different in the way that I got him to like me 

He chose me over her 

That is almost an improbability in my history with aubrey.

So i am seeing him again for the first time since that moring

At our friend Max’s birthday party on friday. 

[galimatios]

sci fi ya au musings from twitter thread mostly nts

maybe i do want to write YA science fiction ya with gay and all my favorite self indulgent tropes and also plugsuits

I HATE MYSELF I IMMEDIATELY HAVE SCENES IN MY HEAD . ITS BEEN TWO GODDAMN SECONDS. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO THESE CHARACTERS ARE YET tjinking about those rooms in that one ep of black mirror where youcan program jt tk show whatever you want on the walls. maybe projection of virtual reality vs reality as a major motif. simulations and distance... long distance relationships during a war in space action too... have to think about an enemy but maybe we rag on capitalism a littlle maybe some conglomerate is fighting a proxy war using aliens vs the govt the protags are in the military for theme.. war sucks bye but also theres dynamics i want

UM I CAN PUT BIG MECHA INNNNNNNN YEAHHHH anyway i want 2 loyal dog dynamics to juxtapose w eachother + platonic soulmate type protag duo, best friends , one girl one boy, theyre both equally important, some SHIT happens and theyre forced on different sides at some point one loyal dog is treated well, like an equal, will follow x to the end of the world the other is Not treated well. i want to explicitly make that relationship abusive so i can point at it in the text itself and have other loyal dog be like , that's not love. abandoned loyal dog gets adopted by main duo, ends up in a relationship w one of them (whichever one makes it gay), im ship girl with side character who inspires tf out of her, sort of like. theyre competitive and the side character is light years more skilled but girl wants the challenge, wants the chase, is fueled by the prospect of catching up so "wait for me" LAYS DOWN NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS HAVE NAMES OR DESIGNS OR ANYTHING BUT IM ALREADY ATTACHED TO THESE CONNECTIONS mc pair: one techy soft boy nerd who just wants to protect his family so thats why he agreed to help develop/operate tech bc he thinks this is how he can help headstrong pilot ace girl who has no one but wants to prove herself and make a name for herself so she'll be remembered she wants to win glory for herself and comes off as super confident but actually she's just. asuka evangelion except she doesnt crash and burn so bad bc she has the boy who sees thru it, you dont have to try so hard probably happens after a fight where she's reckless hes not one to get mad but this time he's pissed bc she was exceptionally close to dying, yells at her, why do you keep trying so hard to die kinda snaps her back to reality he wants her to rely on him more bc that's what hes here for anyway loyal dog defects from enemy + meets this pair after other loyal dog suggests he joins the crew, tech boy is kind to Everyone but loyal dog FORMERLY AN ASSASSIN ???????? TYPE?? SNIPER?? develops baby crush girl sips her drink :3c

I HAVE TO THINK MORE ABOUT THEM BC OH NO THEYRE CUTE but girl is chasing after some nb femme prodigy who she's rivals with and admires for more than just her skill theyre both emotionally constipated idiots tho so its like. (hand touch) thats enough for 100 years there is. so much tension. and prodigy seems so perfect on the outside but is actually in some kind of super strict fucked up program bc of her skill, and she hated it and is suffering ace pilot is the one to barge in headstrong and fuck everything up and get her out of there girl believes prodigy is amazing. really. incredible. a part of her feels like she'll never catch up . but even so watching prodigy walk into the unknown unflinchingly resolute ... it's both sad in a way bc she's being left behind but also she wouldnt have it any other way bc she thinks forward is the only way prodigy should be facing. its what inspires her. that strength ... h they definitely settle down together in the future tho bc i need ththattt

"when this is all over" said the prodigy, "come find me" this is so self indulgent anyway plotwise once both the govt and the enemy r revealed to be equally bad the main cast defect to a revolutionary group. they will Not win within the span of the novel but theyll have a small victory, very les mis one day more flavored, and even if they did not win they stood for something they believed in, did something to try and tell the truth... also i need more of a cast so i can kill characters off nice now all i have to do is fill all this in with world building and action and stuff and ill have a novel so many sci fi things have done the 2 pilot mind sync emotional thing right so if i do the same thing no one knows if i took it from one franchise or another i need to twist it around a little but i may have ideas haha i can. totally make this a part of my fucking huge sci-fi au really wanna call main girl lane and main boy khemrin . .. i cant unsee the girl as rey flavored so shes ending up w red hair and irish, but boy is SEAsian with a huge family, loyal dog who defects is african, prodigy is asian, other loyal dog feels south american prodigy... astrid is her real name but she may have a codename fsr? idk why i feel it. icarus? assassin defector... something that starts with an o or a d other loyal dog... i need to think but i also need to figure out the personalities of their respective pairs inserts minh as evil one. done. maybe mephis adjacent character for the... no mephis doesnt care abt anyone BUT hed be a great side character OH god what if au jonah and ambrose oh boy. FUCK jonahs probably there for some special task bc hes. attuned to some shit idk

I GUESS IM GONNA DEVELOP AMBROSE MORE ive only written him as a young adult but as a teen hes angry and rebellious and got drafted, ended up being a simple foot soldier but he meets jonah and a lot changes jonah's there on top secret bullshit, same program as astrid definitely has some shit to do With Experiments. astrid has enhanced eyesight/coordination on top of being an ace combat pilot, i think jonah might be able to open up warp gates or limited pocket space mephis is evil scientist who doesnt care abt casualties

I'm thinking about unnamed pilot lesbians and i am. enamored immediately holy shit god they're both so goal oriented and focused but once the fighting is finally over they finally allow themselves to embrace the intensity of their emotions for eachother and i am fucking perishing they were essentially raised as child soldiers so it's this clumsy process of trying to figure things out for the first time, this kind of innocent but intense and blooming love between two hardened soldiers, the years of war coming away when they're together for the first time actually fuck i did name them but i'm still not sure about ace pilot girl? i want to name her lane or something monosyllable, maybe i'll revamp raine and make her this oc instead... either way i'm just. ugh. UGH. FUCK. holy shit they love eachother so much

I"M GETTING REALLY FUCKED UP ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF THE PRODIGY (ASTRID) DYING IN THE LINE OF DUTY or well at least goes missing, presumed dead but raine just... doesn't believe it. astrid can't die. she's too amazing. there's no way fucking. huge disbelief. she refuses? raine going on a near suicidal self-appointed mission against commander's orders to rescue her, khemrin tries to hold her back but he can't, she' fucking gone speeding off on one of the fastest scouting ships she can hijack raine finding her alive but barely conscious in a damaged cockpit floating in space for who knows how long, raine unable to open the hatch and get to her but anchors her ship to hers, NOT EFFECTIVE BUT HER ONLY REAL CHOICE w/o compromising the air seal. makes the journey back astrid barely makes it to the space equivalent of a truck stop (unaffiliated) and raine calls for backup in panic and tries her best to tend to astrid's wounds an feed her and she's fucking PANICKING but trying so hard to keep it together astrid wakes up and raine's crying i don't have anything specific its just really soft and raine never Does this god when they meet again after the war, raine running her fingers over the scar left from astrid's helmet shattering h raine in a tux and astrid dressed like a princess and raine kissing her shoe sorry im gay bye