#ive been thinking about my old coworkers today and i do miss them. idk was i stupid for hoping we'd stay in touch. at least with two of them

[caluski]

for some reason i really love this old picture of a polish grocery store in the early 90s, of the staff probably about to celebrate new year's with what i believe is a bottle of sowietskoje igristoje... there is a certain specific bond between coworkers in retail that i can relate to with so much fondness. i hope theyve had a good year

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[swayinghummingbirds]

feeling a way because yesterday i found out my brother and his wife are having a baby. and idk. i didnt think that would be happening for a few years. nowim beside myself in a dark seasonal depression, this time last year we almost moved back to fl because i missed my mom and brother and hated living with treys family. instead we moved to knoxville a week before we werent to move back to fl. i had to move from pa to fl away from all of my family at the age of 11 and it was really really hard. and i hate that i just watched my little cousins grow up over the internet. and i still am. i hate the fact that everyone is getting older. one day they wont be here even to give a phone call to. i think about my grandparents. my parents. i watched my mom do exactly what i did and i hated her for it for years because she took me away from my family and everything i knew. and then i did it to myself. i wanted so badly to get out the town i was in because there were too many ghosts. i was stoned 24/7 and just full of disappointment. i do have to admit moving away helped me be able to get off of my antidepressants and now ive been very sober and am progressing at my job and making myself more vabluable and kind of making stronger relationships. sometimes i feel like ill never make a friend like kaylee again. it was just such a wholesome friendship that i miss so so dearly. i still dont have an actual friend here. i have one girl that i go to church with sometimes, shes my coworker. i feel like i dont want to make a friend because it just hurts. when i moved i didnt talk to anyone for like three months. and when i finally called my mom i just cried because i told her i felt like a disappointment. of course, i was still going through medication withdrawals but still. ive made so much progress with my mental health and spirituality. so much spirituality. its been so nice to not have someone else tell me what i should or shouldnt do. all my life id have someone in my ear whether it be family or a friend. just making my own decisions. being able to go to the store and just absolutely know i wont see anyone i know, its been a dream. but when i told my manager about becoming an aunt he said i was going to have such a great time being an aunt and went on to tell me how great it is to be an uncle and i just felt in the pits of my stomach how it felt to watch my family grow up with out me . and now if i stay here ill be doing it again. and i dont even know if ill have kids myself. sometimes i want to and other times i dont. today after work one of my favorite coworkers- id go as far to say shes probably my favorite person there and id call her my friend- was sitting in the cafe and she was crying so i sat down to talk to her and she just went on about the book she was listening to about pets and reincarnation and how they live their life and learn more and come again but she was upset because one of her cats is very old and she knows shes going to pass soon. and she tells me about how her roommates sister moved in with them and is just making her life hell. the sisters roommate doesnt like her dog, her plants, the way the furniture is. my coworker is probably over 60 years old and i just feel for her. at one point she had a house paid for had so much in the company but ended up quitting so she lost it all , she sold her house, doesnt really have any decent family she could be with. my other coworker who’s 72, is moving back to florida to be with his son. another one is thinking about moving to missouri to be his mom whos in her 70′s. my mom is going to be old one day and i dont think i want to wait that long to be able to see her often. i dont want to end up like her and her brother where they dont talk and when she does call he thinks somethings wrong. today my yogi tea tag read “life is a flow of love, your participation is requested” and i just am not sure i want this anymore. im going to be 25 in less than a month and life just keeps going and going and going. to be honest january and february are so hard for me. ive been having a hard time taking care of myself. i have no motivation to do anything. i havent had a full yoga session in over a month. i cant bring myself to cook for myself so ive been eating like shit. i take my vitamins but i know thats not sufficient. everyone i talk to are going to the gym and feeling better. i tried doing yoga today and i did a few thigns and had a little meditation which was nice, but then my neighbors started yelling at each other so i gave up and just came to my room and here i am typing this. which is very theraputic i needed to get it out somehwere but now i feel like im just wasting my life away sometimes. depression has crept back in and the sun is gone and i have no friends and no family here and my fiance  and i are on opposite schedules for half the week so im just going to go to sleep maybe. if you actually read this- thanks and also sorry it wasnt meant to be read it was meant for typing it out of my mind. o rmore so so i could read it and give myself conversations and other thoughts about it all. 

[veganbased]

day 2

breakfast- a complicated smoothie as mentioned in a previous post where I literally had to rant it. why not to my jeff? ol besti jeff. thats some meat I def miss. video chat yoga was fun. but im so confused... god I love that tumblr is like a hollow little blue void I get to chatter into where no one listens but it doesn't feel like as private as a notebook like what are the odds “someone I know” comes across this shit. who do I really even know anymore besides coworkers haha.. I used to know a lot of people. but my behavior changed that haha! anyways... those are my breakfast thoughts (I just smoked a bowl) 

lumch- that was a typo I enjoyed. which reminds me is something my old friends would find funny. the typos. do I miss those people or do I miss their attention? anyways..... lumch, sweet potato fries. starchy agh. AND PLANT RANCH

dinner- grabbed a box of mac n cheese whole grain noodles bc i figured that was okay, and cooked em with some garlic and onion pasta sauce. I was proud of myself for keeping my hands off the parm bottle whoo that was my favorite. it was okay. idk if it affected my blood sugar too bad.. which is something I recently have been getting paranoid about......... just paranoia though. and im doing something about it so its not like im just gonna keep doing the things im doing to give me this lil hypchondria moment. I’ve had a lot of those in my life btw. to the point of making people take me to the hospital bc I was positive I was dying of something but id also like to mention I smoke way too much weed than my little brain wants to handle sometimes. 

snack- lots and lots of my favorite complex carbohydrate! cheerios, and oat milk ofc. the vegan thing is proving to be shockingly easy but like my incessant need to keep my mouth occupies is not diminishing haha. I wonder what kind of activity I need to be doing to like.. diminish this mouth, tongue, taste fixation I think I have like I dont need to fill my body with more food I literally just want to bring something to my mouth... hmm...

water- obviously the answer why didnt I think that before. lemon water is interesting for my mouth too I could experiment with that. If I have to work around an obvious emotional soothing problem I just need to modify what im using to soothe. weed is a hard one though. because its a substance that changes my perspective immensely like things are just accentuated with weed, the good the bad, mostly good tbh haha, and going without something I used consistently throughout adolescence to sort of navigate my life at that time is.. huge. I dont wanna say “hard” bc thats putting up a block, and in a way increasing the size of it might be a block as well but in a way, I want to take it as what it is, and metaphorically thats a huge ass mountain. which is the most satisfying to climb. so I can either keep accounting for all the details of what it looks like down here on the side of the mountain and adapting to this lower level living or I can fucking climb the mountain. and if anyone reads this, I hope its spirit, not only bc I just remembered I want to connect more, but because that was a badass metaphor and I feel like it might have come from them. but anyways. this blog is becoming much more cathartic and releasing that I initially anticipated, I like this. but also I am high. so things are likable. oh, ive been drinking a bit today, had about 5 big classes which is about 9 or 10 cups. not bad id say. my peeing has been concerning me- but I think im just dehydrated from not drinking water as regularly as I need to. bc the pisses are about 40- mins to and hr about when my bladder is tight and full and i can feel it full yknow? but right now after I just did my just dance, its been like almost 2 hours since a piss so idk. they were pretty frequent the day before. I wish I knew what that meant, what my body was telling me exactly. 

okay so I spiffed up my organization of this part which im cheesed about. 

mental, emotional, physical state- I was doing separate sections but they were interloping so much it was like what. im so tired rn my speech is about to be so lazy im ready to just brush my teeth and wash my face and go night night, which is not something ive been doing consistently, even though its something I want to do! my nails are so brittle they're catching on everything and bleeding. never getting acrylics again. my complexion looks really good, no new breakouts, no redness, my chin is clearing. my thoughts and awareness and plans, are not lining up with my actions, and.. yeah thats my state. I was anxious today about possibly having prediabetes but I have to reminds myself something like that is completely reversible, if that is whats happening to me. im a filthy mess, my rooms a mess, im digesting a bunch of starch but hey! the heats on! winky’s sleeping cozy, I am still cute as fuck in my filthy state, I still havent eaten any dairy or meat, I’m alive, I have money, I have a cozy bed, and I have the privilege to make independent decisions about my life and my future, and i am incredibly thankful for every bit of it. 

[igivethistoyou]

Journal 1

I’m going to try and write some of my journal entries through this blog from now on. I haven physically wrote in my own journal in a while. I haven’t really had the motivation to. There’s been a lot on my mind tho so I know I need to. When I would write in my journal almost daily, my mind felt less clogged. Maybe typing it out, which is a lot faster and more efficient, will help with me write more often like I used to.

Now that i’m writing i cant really figure out what has been on my mind. lol. idk if its the mercury retrograde coming up but ive been thinking alot about my past and the people who are no longer in my life. like my old “partner” and my old best friend. I miss the memories i had with them. i miss them so much i still get emotional about it. theres just so much that went wrong with both of those relations. so much that could have been preventable and so much more that could have been. I don’t really miss my old partner but I miss what i thought we had. but i know i deserved better. when i think about our whole situation i can help but get angry about it from time to time. i get angry with the fact that i still think about it sometimes. i get so tired of thinking about it. i want to forget it even happened but i just cant get over this small hill. i dont want to get mad about it but i still do. it has taken me months to come to terms with the fact that i have every right to be angry. they do too. it was just so complicated and so frustrating. i know i didnt deserve that whole mess tho. i made a mistake and they couldnt forgive me. if they couldnt forgive me they shouldnt have had me waiting and hoping on forgiveness. i was naïve. i should have left when i felt consistently unwanted. this is what bothers me. this is what makes me cry. i know now that i shouldnt have waited. but i thought we had something. i had a breakdown one day because i couldnt take it anymore. i remember it just hitting me and having to run to the restroom and turning the water on so my roomates didnt hear me crying. i was just so overwhelmed and felt like i didnt mean anything to them after months of them telling me they didnt know if they wanted to be with me or not but continuing the flirting, the late night facetime calls, the texts, and just the overall connection we had. so i cut it off and we didnt speak for a few weeks until i was in vegas visiting my family for my nephews birthday. it was awkward at first but then it felt like things went back to normal until it didn’t anymore. i asked them if they still had feelings for me and they said no. and that was it. i didnt want anything to do with them anymore and shut myself off and blocked off the pain until i got home. then i had to move to vegas and after one week here i had a dream that they were with someone else. i checked their twitter from time to time before that just to see what they were up to but they were private so it was just their pfp that i would see. but something told me to check it after i had that dream and when i did it was them with another girl. i got sooooo mad. i cant even explain it. they were already in another relationship with someone? after whatever we had just finished? this is what told me their feelings were not real. how could they be?? what could have happened in the month or two when we cut things off that made them get into another relationship? they were probably already talking to her. it was their coworker too lol she probably swooped in or something between them was already going on while we had our thing happening. i dont really know but it hurt so bad. and just a quick note; theres no way we could have both been their type...i just dont see it. no shade butttt shade lol. it probably just has to do with my confidence growing and me feeling sooo good about myself but thats all im gonna say about...that. i also found out it was a thing at least two weeks after we cut things off. at the very least lol. but now they are together doing their own thing. i dont care about my old partner anymore i couldn’t care less what they are doing but the principle is what hurts still. it made me feel unworthy, unlovable. and caused alot of self doubt. ive gotten alot better but there are days where i just think about how much i wish it didnt happen. the whole thing. like the wholeeee thing. but you live and you learn. i almost feel bad for them in the sense of them being alone. i dont think they are the kind of person that likes to be single. like i feel like they always have to have some kind of romantic relation going on. They started talking to me only a few months after their 4 or 5 year relationship ended and then got into a relationship right after we cut things off lol. but thats just my personal opinion. im not that kind of person. after every kind of ending whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship i like to have time alone with myself. i feel like so much energy is taken after an ending of something,  i need time to recuperate and just fill some of what i feel is empty. ive been doing my own thing and talking and seeing other people which had been kind of fun and kind of crazy lol but i dont think i want a relationship any time soon, at least not this summer lol.  #hotgirlsummer <3 

i found myself crying while writing  best but i feel so much better. i know my body needed to release this. i really hope i can say this will be my last time writing about this situation but sometimes it creeps up on me and i think it did today because of the mercury shadow period. i know there is still healing to do and i am trying my best to continue moving forward:)

[amma-af]

mid-life crisis fast approaching lmao.

bruh moesha made 30 seem hella old. im freaking 29, im definitely not old.

do all 30 year olds feel this? is this fucking cliche? is this what being a millenial feels like?

freaking. andell seems like she should be at least 45 shes had a business forever, she looks oldish, hella independent with ehr own moneey, yeah she keeps getting played by her lover but the d is probably great and she doesn’t need “love” bc she’s not dependent on it for basic necessities. but she needs love so she has hope. she’s woke but understanding when someone who doesn’t understand yet. she supports the kids but says it like it is. i can def see some bits of myself in her but bruh, at least 35? bc im 29 and 1 im not as independent, and 2, im def not as old.

but i also kind of get how shes a 30 year old but do 30 year olds get the respect of older people? does andell get respect from older people? idk man tv makes teens look like 20-something and 30 eyar olds look like my mom. dee hangs with andell, she’s def not 30. but then again we hang with older people, no?

are 30 year olds friends-ish with teens and like older folks all at once a millenial thing? i mean i def have older friends bc of work, and hang with my siblings who are a generation older and as a teacher i talk to kids who are teens but i wouldn’t be friends with them? unless you consider my nieces and nephews, and some much younger coworkers.

but if im “superior” to them in some way im basically a mentor and ugh. maybe andell is 30.

that same moesha episode has gotten me thinking about highschool. and what a fucking shitfest it was. i mean, why the hell was i so pressed instead of just being a fucking kid? like, i def ended up where i wanted to and realized it sucked even more (college), esp the way i did it initially, but once i got over the fucking ivory tower and american dream bc i reallized it was never made to include me to a certain extent (the whole identity crisis over foreclosure of identity from the every day--being unwanted by the same thing interpellating its allegiance to you, how all that crap felt of being a --insert almost every pressed identity grouping here-- at a fucking --insert ever agrandized fucking included, repressive identity force here--insitution. high school wasn’t bougie enough i think. like everyone was like closer to the ground class wise so maybe it didnt feel like a big enough ocean yet. a friend told me post highschool or maybe at graduation that im going to be the big fish in the little pond trying to swim in the ocean or some quote like that. fucking i was, if not socially which i honestly didnt even try and fucking got ostracized from anyway, def on top academically and fucking TEACHERS were trying to push me down but like i still got to exactly where i wanted to go. and i fucking had a wonderful time there. got kicked out but became a whole ass human being who found so many homes with people and so many loving arms and caring friends and fucking insane moments and memories and fucking became who i am today--a fucking cool as andell like adult with a full and complete social life if not financial or career life like im ok dude. ive accomplished enough even if capitalist might make me feel like i havent accomplished anything. much like the racist ass teachers made me feel and the racist ass kids made me feel about being smart in a fucking shitfest and where the other brown kids were just in competition with me. i had no friends. i lie, i had a few. and i had the respect of a few. and i guess that makes like maybe a dozen people--hold on let me count, i think 9 people, that im cool with from high school, 3 who are close to me, 1 who fucking hates me post-college life and would try to talk shit or ruin me maybe but i miss her and we were fucking close at some point. and then a bunch of people who probably dont give a shit no longer bc we’re all adults who need to move on with our lives. i hope theyre not petty and hate me just bc of high school.

i wonder if any respect me now lol. aside from those i know, do any of them like feel bad kind of for not being a better person to me? maybe i was a bitch too though. but thats only bc i was lowkey power hungry and just wanted to get into fucking the college of my dreams and had been fed that academic success led to fianncial success and overall joy de vivre  or however oyu fucking spell it.

id still be down to be friends with whoever wants but dont have the time or energy to deal with the pettiness. i think this year was supposed to be our 10 yr reunion and idk if theyll do it bc of covid or not but fucking would i even wanna go? im still so traumatized from it idk if id wanna be judged that hard again.

fucking, i wish i was chiller back then. had realized i could be creative and look good and be more confident if i wanted to. but i guess i wouldnt be who i am had that shit not happened but i also suffer from extreme anxiety adn depression now so like maybe, people could ease up on the judgement and hatred and constant barriers and shit talking and like, lowkey bullying down a notch. these white and white washed brown kids had me fucked up.

i wish i had just like, been able to chill and be accepted a little more. but i wish the people who were chill with me couldve been more  comfortable or confident in being who they were. 

i remember ending freshman year, confident that i would have friends at the end of high school sitting between the coolest and queerest two people i could imagine showing off my hot pink ipod 3G or whatever. and then hanging out in the city with a few people on the last day. i dont even remember what we did. maybe olive garden in times square? it was def times square. the big toys r us in the city with the dance dance revolution. who the fuck were the people with us? was that even freshman year or is that a memory from some other time? i dotn fucking remember much of the good times in high school anymore. more shitty times.

but fucking, if people had been loyal would i have been a diff person? def s j and j and then later n but w during the first year and d all hugn out with me in college. and made freshman year bareable and some sitll continue to make life bareable and for me to feel loved in this day adn age adn i know the freindshipsare genuine now but i wonder if id have more people from high school as my friends just bc i fucking get attached to people bc of the whole empathy thing and like we knew eachother for good chunks of our lives, we should keep up with eachother and make sure we’re ok. but also like, did we even show care back then?

i wish id lived the teen life a little more though. like my husband did. like so many of my more normal than me feeling friends did but i wonder how many of my college friends actually liked their high school years lmao.

fucking. whatever. i probably wouldnt go to the reunion if it happened tho, fucking miss me with that shit.

andell is cool. she didnt get mad at moesha for missing her party since hs ehad a great time on her birthday thanks to her, and instead was proud that she put out a good newspaper. im def like, maybe if aliha missed my party id be happy and proud of her for her acocmplioshed but id still be pouty adn idk if that makes me much younger tahn andell or if thats just the whiny cancer gemini in me.

omg we need andells chart to udnerstand if she’s actually 30 lmao and just mature for her own age or if that show is trippig about depicting her as 30 bc shes def oldr. wonder how old the actress was.

thats an easy google fix but im just gonna keep watching and pondering lmao.

man there were some teachers at that fucking school who did not wanna see me succeed in life. and to have your advisor be that teacher really fucks with you. what a fucking bitch i think she hated me. the other people im friends with loved her tho but i think she was really just a racist. she pushed me hard but made things harder for me for no reason. thank god i got out of there in one piece, and with some confidence left in me. 

i need to go to therapy again fuck. 

[this-blog-should-not-exist]

It’s been what, two weeks? One week?

A surprising amount has happened since my last post, idk where to start. So much has been on my mind as well

Last I had said was my last time I saw J I think, which was last Wednesday, the 18th. After that we had just snap chatted for a while. This past Friday I actually had another date with a guy I met on Tinder that I’ll call G, he was a close call to J. So I had told him on Thursday the night before I was going to meet him up in Easton that I was already also talking to another guy. I just wanted to be honest with him because I didn't want to just lead him on and then disappear after the date if it went south. He said that he respected my honesty and that not many guys would do that. So all in all Friday came and we met in Easton at Barnes and Noble. He’s really cute actually, a bit cuter than J but I wasn’t going off that I was going off personality. We ended up spending quite some time at Barnes and Noble talking about comics and books we’ve read and a few other random things. After that we went to get some food at Chipotle and sat outside and talked. We had talked for hours really until it got dark. We got along really well actually, we had so much in common. Books, the way we thought about things, movies and video games. He was like a walking meme too it was fun. But I just didn't feel a spark. Im not sure why I didn’t. Was it because I was already so invested with J? I had been talking to J for about a week longer than G but like I said J was a little more aggressive. G seemed like me, he was softer, gentler and passionate. After we finished talking I had drove him home since he went to college at OSU in Columbus, I didn't want him to have to take the bus home that would’ve taken forever when I could just drive him. I dropped him off and that was the night. I went back home and we said goodnight on snapchat and that was that. The next afternoon he was asking if I had made a decision between him or J and I had chose J because like I said, I for some reason just didn't feel a spark with G. Idk why. I said Id still like to be friends of course because I mean he’s a pretty cool dude, I like him. But since then we’ve talked a little less which I mean is understandable as well. We keep our streak going and make a little talk but thats about it. I hope he’s doing well, I saw today that he had unmatched me on Tinder.

That day though, Saturday I had managed to finally pay off 5,000 that I had owed my college that I went to out in Portland Oregon. I am so so so relieved now, Ive been working so much since this past June to pay off that debt because since I owed them 5,000 they wouldn’t release my transcript which meant i couldn't apply to transfer to a college back here. But now that its paid off I can set all that up this week because I believe my deadline to apply for spring classes is the 30th of this month. 

After that day, I had picked up a shift on Sunday because my friend C was actually going up to Cleveland to see a guy HE’S been talking to on Tinder as well so that was fun. I worked Sunday, C got back that afternoon, he said it was an really good time. The guy he is talking to is 23, a musician and finishing his masters in Cleveland. They fit together really well he had said. Im glad, C had never really had a relationship before and I hope this goes well for him. He hasn't had the best of luck with guys or girls really in the past. Just a lot of hookups, which I guess works for him, whatever floats his boat. Im glad he's met someone though. But so I picked up his shift on Sunday, gone to the Band Competition back in my hometown because two of my friends were helping set up for their high school band who were preforming at my high school. So I got to go around see a bunch of my old friends again which was so nice. Ive missed seeing all them in high school and that. After the band perfomance we had a work meeting that night at the bowling alley downtown, then I left and went back up to Columbus to see J. He had really been wanting to see me, and I had missed him a bit. 

So I got up there about 9, we got in bed and played on our laptops until about 3am. We had talked the week before to go to the botanical gardens the next day, possibly head out to Easton and go to one of his coworkers house for a cookout. Well none of that happened because I didn't sleep well that night so I woke up about noon but I didn't want to wake him up yet because I wanted to let him sleep. Plus whenever I say with a friend or anyone and I wake up first I feel terrible because I feel bad waking the other person up. What if they’re not ready to wake up? What if they didn’t sleep well either? What if they are a heavy sleeper and don’t wake up? Will they be grumpy when I wake them up? Will they actually be awake when I wake them up or will it take then another half hour to actually get out of bed? But so I didn't end up waking J up until about 3pm which of course he didn't like because we didn't end up having time to do anything. We had gotten a shower together, gone out to town because he was hungry and also wanted to return this game he had gotten. Well we get out to town, he began to get annoyed because he couldn't make up his mind one which game to trade it in for then didn’t know where he wanted to eat. I felt back because he was getting so annoyed at himself and it was my fault because I should've waken him up earlier so we had time to do stuff. Because also that day I had to go down to Athens at 7 because I was signing a least for a house with C, and another one of my friends we’ll call Jo. So J took us back to his apartment I grabbed my stuff and left for Athens, signed the lease, came back up to Columbus, went to the cookout with J, met some of his coworkers, they were fun. I felt a little out of place because of how young I was. Everyone else was over 21 and some were married couples with kids. It was still a good time, I had a few jello shots which I was a little disappointed they didn't get me anywhere even buzzed. But we had left about 2 hours in, got home about midnight and I watched J play Fallout 4 until about 2am, we had drank a little back at his place too but I still didn't even get tipsy. When I drink I drink to get drunk, because when Im drunk the most that happens is I get a little off balanced. I can still talk and think straight its just my center of gravity is a bit off and it makes things fun to me. But so we had gone to bed then. I got up today about 9am, we took a shower and I left and went straight to work.

So much has happened this past weekend, so many good things as well. Nothing ever usually goes this well for me. Me and C felt the same way and were joking that something is just gonna come crashing down on us, because life has never been so nice, me him and Jo are all talking to someone, we got a house, I paid off college. Everything is just going to smoothly. Part of me like I said is waiting, something is going to happen I'm afraid. Something bad but I don’t know what or when. But part of me is also thinking you know what if this is it? Have I finally got my life on track? After years of struggle and trial have I got things going the right way? But what do I do about J? I still have this feeling with him. Am I just enjoying the romantic attention and dealing with his aggressiveness for the sake of the romantic attention? Could I do better? Am I just holding onto him until I make it down to Athens? I just still have so many doubts about things

[survivor-iceland]

Ep. 4 - “I’m feeling comfortable which is scary. Because comfortable people go home.” - Joseph

Raffy

I am glad that I survived tribal. Now I just have to win this challenge for the tribe! I don't want any of my allies to go home!

Raffy

My strategy for this challenge is not to be the guesser since that only puts a target on my back if we lose. So, Joseph volunteering himself is good for my game overall. Honestly, though, I really want to win this challenge so that the stakes are even when we get down to merge. No side has more people than the other. Also, taking the path of the bear lets me know that Cormac only made that alliance for that idol path. So there is no real bond in the alliance with Joseph, Ellie, Sierra, and him. Though, I do plan on using it against him later on if we happen to be on opposite sides.

Sierra

I lost my vote for the next tribal... so I’m a bit nervous about losing. But I almost want to lose this next immunity challenge so that I’ll still have the numbers on my side. If I don’t vote at a tribal and we still have the majority, I’m less likely to go home. Later in the game, my vote will mean more. I also don’t want to throw a challenge, though, so we’ll just have to see how it goes!

Joseph Collins

I think I established some trust between the still-alive Dylan and I. Me and Justin are starting to clock. Me and Elle have a strong alliance. I’m feeling comfortable which is scary. Because comfortable people go home. 

Raffy

You ever just want to organize a challenge so that your tribe can succeed, but none of them want to put in the work? I'm screaming and very frustrated.

John

so the trio is coming together, being me, cormac and zoe. we want sierra and stephen gone. stephen first, sierra second. they both have the potential to be devastating to our games come the merge. i last talked about this with them like 14 hours ago, but i’m assuming everything is the same. blindsides are becoming a necessity. and wowowowowow they are fun.

Raffy

I think we did really well on this challenge! I think we can win unless they have some sort of god taboo player on their side

Keith John

Its been a dull few days. Since we won immunity and the next challenge had ample time to be completed.

Another challenge that I couldnt compete in thanks to the time difference. Abit annoyed. As things can go in so many directions. 

1. Tribe might not be happy about my challenge contribution. 

2. The rapport built during challenges between other players will make things harder for me.

Although since im travelling soon. Il be on est soon. But I am not sure if I should let people know. As I dont know what could trigger them. Example. They might think. Il be able to play more socially and can easily be ready for future challenges like individual immunity. Hence I think for now. I should keep this info to myself and let my tribe underestimate me. Knowing that the time difference will hurt me enough to make me a so called GOAT that at the final tribal I might not have a case as I have not done enough. For now I have no choice. Hopefully i can make a few moves later.

Timmy

I’m trying to remember when the last time I confessed was so I apologize if this is a repeat. But I got what I wanted last tribal. At first people wanted Justin out rather than Dylan R and that wouldn’t have been good for me. It wasn’t difficult to get people to switch since all that had to be done was Justin say like 2 words to people to prove he’s more active than Dylan R so that was good. I hope we win the challenge, our score was good, but there’s could be better you never know until results. My fear is that Justin will go if we end up back at tribal and I’m not here for that. 

Ellie

Because of debate I wasn’t on for the challenge and I feel like shit!! I hope we won or else I’ll provably be the vote out

Sierra

Well, we lost immunity again... and this time, I don't have a vote. That means that I have to work super hard to make sure that we're all on the same page and that votes go on one person. I tried my best during the challenge, and it was super close... so even though I was in the 'hero' position, I feel like I wasn't the reason that we lost the challenge. A few of the people giving clues during the Taboo game used 'illegal words' and cost us a few points. I think we would've been tied if that didn't happen. Still, anyone could go home at this point, and all I can do is hope and pray that it isn't me. Especially since I don't have a vote!

Zoe

okay well fuck, we lost the challenge.

I was pretty confident we were going to win but I was wrong. I'm not too worried, if only because I'm pretty sure Cormac wanted us to throw the challenge anyway, and this way we can get rid of someone we don't trust, whether it be Stephen or Sierra. This way is probably better anyway, because we can say we did our best and nobody will be upset about it.

John, Cormac, and I are aligned now in a group called "The Blindsiders" and we're trying to decide whether or not we want to convince Sierra that Stephen is after them, stirring up some drama and making them seem paranoid so that everyone will vote them out. I'm not sure if we'll go through with it, but we'll see. Cormac hasn't been super active lately, but I'm hoping he comes through soon. He is my partner in crime, after all.

Maynor

Damn. That immunity was so close. 36-32. Adding the ones me stephen n zoe got subtracted. Adds like 3 so like was 36-35 which like really sucks. But hopefully ill be okay for tribal.

Raffy

I am so glad that Joseph was able to pull through with this challenge. This means I get a day where I can just socialize and chat without having to strategize. However, some of these people are hard to hold conversations with like Timmy. I feel like I am bothering him all the time too, so I have to be mindful of that. My social game does need a bit of work, but I know I can make it better. Other than that, if merge does happen now, we are going in with an even split of members from both tribes. So, it should be fine all things considered. I'm certain that someone has found the idol by now, but I do not care much about the idol hunt to worry about it. Hopefully, the person who does is on my side in the end.

Dylan C

https://youtu.be/fKN_ePEVYKc

Joseph Collins

Comfy week off of tribal 😎 I made a small decision that I think made a big impact. I chose to take clues via chat instead of call. It cut down on people trying to speak over each other. And I think that helped us win. 

Stephen

So the games going eh. We’re going to tribal, which sucks, but on the other hand i feel like ive made some genuine connections. I made an alliance chat with zoe sierra maynor and john. I could take or leave john, he is nice but idk how much i trust him. The rest im putting all my game hopes on so, yeah, fingers crossed.

John

it’s not a secret, i’m going through a lot right now. i lost a coworker and my cat literally within days of each other, and i’m currently spinning thinking about the game because of everything going on personally. i already wanted stephen out, but to see that i’m number 5 in his eyes, that means he gotta go now. i ain’t coming here to be the fifth place throwaway. i do like chatting with him though, he is a nice guy. but i’m not fully in his plans moving forward. Keith JohnWell its tribal today. I had a feeling my name could come up due to being on a different timezone and having less interactions with people. I felt the same reason would be valid to target to stephen. And now I guess, Stephen himself felt that it could be used against him. So he is targeting me. I have no idea if he has any other reason

Now regarding, keep my ass safe for this tribal, I hav to keep faith with the people I made an alliance. Zoe has got my back. she also confirmed that Its I had an alliance with her n Cormac day one. I always planned to take it to final three and now I pray that they know Im honest in that promise Cormac has been busy and it looks unlikely il get to talk to him before tribal. John and sierra have said that they would do Stephen. Not Sure if Sierra is completely on board. Maynor has replied to me. 

Im gona vote Stephen and pray no one gets an itch to make a move and vote my ass off.  

Zoe

John and I have been getting closer just in general in Cormac's absence. Miss him, but I like John. Keith now trusts me implicitly, which is great. Three people on my side is better than one.

John and I have orchestrated the Stephen vote by making Sierra think it was her idea all along. Stephen came to me, Sierra, and Maynor yesterday asking to make an alliance (four votes into the game? come on) and in "oh, worm?" Sierra suggested we add John, which Stephen agreed to. He believes now that we are all voting for Keith, but everyone, even Maynor I think, will be voting for Stephen as far as I'm aware. After this, I'm pretty sure there will be a swap. I'm preparing now to talk to my new teammates, reignite old conversations, and maintain old relationships. Let's go.

John

i’m gonna flat out just say it. i 👏🏼 do 👏🏼 not 👏🏼 trust 👏🏼 sierra 👏🏼. i think they’re open to literally any idea of an alliance, and if it wasn’t for me and zoe reigning her in, they’d be voting keith off tonight. they have to go after this vote. nice person, helpful in challenges, but they’d be a quick flipper.

Sierra

Stephen approached Zoe and I to talk about building an alliance with Maynor. Of course I agreed -- you're always supposed to say yes to an alliance, even if you don't plan on going through with it. I asked if Stephen would be comfortable adding John. He said that he was, so we added John to the alliance and conversations, too. The danger of Stephen wanting to form an alliance so late in the game is that the rest of us already have an alliance. Actually, most of us already have MULTIPLE alliances. Stephen hadn't approached us until recently. That makes me worry that he wasn't thinking about alliances or building bonds until later in the game, or that he doesn't actually want bonds with us and that he's waiting for a swap so that he can jump ship. My alliance is planning to vote Stephen out for those reasons... and honestly... I can't say I disagree.

Justin

This round I just tried to lay low and build my connections up cuz of my name being brought up last tribal. Luckily, my tribe won immunity so I don’t need to worry about being voted out. Now that I know I was being talked about, I think I’m gonna have to readjust my game-plan. I’m think I should align myself with Joseph, Timmy, and Dylan because Joseph and Timmy told me my name was being brought up and Dylan and I trust Dylan more than Ellie and Raffy. I think I it’s in my best interest if Raffy goes before she does because I’m pretty sure he’s talking to the most people. His possible connections scares me and I need to get him out soon because that’s the position I want in the game. On another note, Keith is stressed that he’s probably gonna be the one voted out this round. It would suck if he does cuz I really feel like I could work with him in the future, but it might not happen. That’s why, I’m talking to more people on the other side. Cormac hasn’t responded to me since yesterday so I don’t know what’s up with him cuz I really want to work with him too. John is just having a rough time. First he talks about his coworker dying and then his cat died too and that’s just terrible to hear. I’m assuming a swap is coming after this round and I just hope I get good numbers with the people I mentioned I would like to work with.

Maynor

Im in another alliance. Omg. Its me sierra stephen and zoe. The people who worked on the challenge and also john. This was made by Stephen and its cute. That leaves out Keith and Cormac. Zoe helped kept the target off Cormac and onto Keith which is good because Cormac is part of our other alliance that doesnt include Stephen or Keith. It is good and ultimately i will be siding with Zoe because I feel like i can trust her. Still no movement with idol search and honestly its just been my back for not doing it.

Stephen

I feel like I’m going home, people are super quiet and apparently my names already been brought up :/ Ah well, been a while since my last early boot, still. Who knows wattle happen. Just a little australian humour.

Joseph Collins

I’m wondering who’s on the outs of Melrakki. I think Keith or maynor go home tonight. 

Maynor

Well looks like zoe sierra and john want Stephen out. Which i also feel like he is a threat in the game. It should be 5 on Stephen now with votes on keith and maybe a self vote for cormac. Im just hoping its true and not a plan to have me throw my vote and blindside me. If it is then i give them props because i didnt see it coming. Lets hope for Stephen going. But im so sad to do this tho.

Ellie

Life sucks, I’m glad that I have these people to connect with. I haven’t really been talking strategy much

[ang3lfuck]

It’s not often where I like to take time out of my day to rant about my job because honestly after so long i had to realize at the end of the day to leave everything at the siren when i leave work after putting up with multiple entitled rude customers every day and having to work with /some/ shitty ppl and like i realize that makes the rest of my day a bit more better in the end because fuck it, it’s a job i won’t be at forever but it’s still a job i take seriously because ive done it for so long and enjoy it. I moved stores last year because my old store was an absolute hell hole and even though i miss working with one of my best friends i jumped ship to this store with a manager in training who reminds me exactly like my mom who ended up getting the manager position at this store and like 2 months later i met my new boyfriend at this location and i love everyone i work with mostly and theres no drama so its like, 10 times better than 2017 was but man today i just want to take a minute to just rant because it’s things like this that REALLY dont make me want to work this job anymore Last night around 4 pm I got a message from my manager and one of my coworkers asking me if I can come in at 5 am to open as opposed to 6 (like yeah, i can but i really dont want to wake up at 3:45 as opposed to 4:45, not really the point but i was honestly being a baby because long story short i didnt want to), and like i didnt see the messages until 20 minutes later because android phones are a load of fucking horsetrash so im like ok ill text my boss saying if i have to i will but like 10 minutes after i texted her i realized she already offered MY shift to someone else in the district just assuming i’d open like HELLO CAN YOU ASK THEM TO COVER THE OPEN THAT ORIGINALLY NEEDED TO BE COVERED INSTEAD OF BRINGING ME INTO THIS MESS so i see that someone offered to do it, and I was like okay im going to call my boss and figure shit out so we talked it out and I asked her if she could ask this guy who wants to take my shift to open instead b/c i also want my shift because it was MORE HOURS (?????) and she was like oh yeah sure and so he says “I think i can do that!!!!” and she responds with “if 6 is better for you we can make that work see you tomorrow!!!!” and at this point i hear nothing back from her as im basically just waiting to get my text message of shame saying i open, so like an hour later im just mad so i text her saying “i guess im opening?” and she told me she was going to open instead and she didnt mind because she didnt hear back from this guy since that last message because that last message made it seem like he was unsure of opening. so i was like aiight cool thx girl luv u. cuz my manager still respects that I walk 30 minutes to work every morning and all. so i’m makin my way to work today and I start at 6 like I was supposed to and i walk in and see that guy who was going to take the shift there and he’s all “HEY WHATS UP” and like i know this guy because we trained him at my old store before i left so he’s like a year old barista. and i was like yeah sup i member you. i didnt think you were gonna be here tho. so i go into the back and my manager is like “well, i saw him show up because i came in a little early and i wasnt going to argue. I just wish he left me some more communication.” and i was like yeah no kidding. but I go on the floor and I start doing my tasks and shit and this fucking twerp is like right beside me 90% of the time just telling me stories about people from stores he’s worked at before and how the new store he was at now is the best and its like a reserve clover store and shit i don’t care about. just blah blah blah about other ppl i didnt know or things that were so small that you possibly couldnt care about at all and mind you this is at 6 fucking oclock in the morning and i havent even had my coffee yet so im sitting here trying to put the soy milk away while he’s just standing there in my way while im also trying to make myself a damn coffee while im just smiling and nodding but inside i wanted to die like who the fuck does this so early and like i dont remember when i worked with him before being so fucking chatty and annoying and he was also talking like a complete know it all because he works at a reserve store and referring to new baristas as “green beans” like bitch you havent even been here for like a year lmao (i’m a nice ripened 5 year bean) and so after awhile of me wanting to bang my head against a wall as opposed to work my supervisor sent him on his 15 minute break so he chatted it up the same with my manager all the gossip and he also fucking mumbles so you can barely even hear him so its also awkward as fuck. he spent no word of a lie 28 minutes talking to her because i timed his fucking break. i went back there expecting to take my break next because we have to run 15′s before peak but he took too long on his so i couldnt go on mine. my manager had the biggest scowl on her face when i came back saying “yeah, he isn’t coming back” and like just to top off other things he did he ordered a quad blonde drink with 3/4 of his partner beverages (That’s 14 shots of blonde espresso. WHAT) and he ordered a venti earl grey tea with 7 tea bags for his second break and he refused to let my coworker ring him in for every bag (??????? like thanks for fucking up our inventory fucko) and he wore a fucking white true religion shirt under his apron which probably just made me more angry b/c it isnt dress code and i just wanted him to spill something on it b/c isnt that like an expensive af brand? what the fuck are you doing wearing that to work at starbucks? anyway i just couldn’t help myself from just ranting for a few minutes on here idk me and my coworkers basically talked shit about him until he left and that made the rest of my hour and 15 minutes at work pretty nice ty for listening