#ive been so homesick since after christmas. i miss my family and my friends

[ingrid-marie]

i think all i want is a place where i know i will live for many years to come. to not worry about the next step and next move. just a place to root myself fully.

[bastillewolf]

Last Winter (Bucky/Reader/Steve) - Chapter IV

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Reader, (in later chapters!)Steve Rogers/Reader

Summary: Even though he claims to be as tough as he appears to be, James Buchanan Barnes doesn’t have a skin made of metal. While he has to work hard for his money, keep his best friend from picking a fight and his sister protected, he feels as if the slightest breeze might be able to push him over. That is until a stranger picks an interest in him and helps him find his way back home. Whatever home feels like.

Warnings: (Not all apply to this chapter) Strong female characters, mentions of violence and death, angst, mental health issues, future sexual content

Notes: Please let me know if you prefer an original character or a reader-insert, it means a lot to me. I’m never really sure how to write down what the reader feels considering everyone reacts differently to situations so if no one comments anything, I’ll make this O.C. instead of reader-insert.

Tag List: (Let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list)

CHAPTER IV - This Is The Army, Mister Barnes

Bucky sighed as he closed the door behind him and hung his coat on the peg. It was late and he was already not looking forward to going back to work the day after tomorrow. He was taking off his shoes when he heard a slight shuffling sound coming from the kitchen.

“Hey Becca,” he greeted as he walked into the kitchen, finding his little sister drinking milk straight from the carton.

She looked up at him with eyes like a deer caught in headlights, and then nearly dropped the drink when she inspected him further. “What the hell happened to you?!” She ran up to him to inspect his bruises with her hands, which Bucky pried quickly off with a scrunched up face when it stung.

“Watch your mouth. And I’m fine. I just got into a small fight, it was nothing.”

“Was it about some girl?”

That made Bucky chuckle, “Something like that. Now go back to bed. It’s late.”

She froze in confusion, taking a step back from him.

“What? Do I have something weird on my face apart from blood?” he asked in amusement.

“Who are you and what did you do to Bucky?”

He chuckled in bafflement, “What?”

“First off, you were gone till long after curfew, and you always scold me when I break it, so who says you get to break it? I should get to scold you now! Second off, you just caught me drinking from the carton, which you did not scold me for, for some weird reason. Not that I’m saying you should, but I’d just like to point that out. And lastly, you go out with a girl, and then you don’t want to flaunt about it? What is up with you today?!”

He’d waited patiently for her to finish, partially because he was in an unbreakable good mood but also because he didn’t really know what to say to her. He simply watched with raised brows until she sat down at the kitchen table with a huff and took a seat next to her. Clearly frustrated with his antics, she crossed his arms and turned her eyes away from him, waiting for some stupid excuse she knew he’d come up with.

What she didn’t expect, was for him to wrap his arms around her and pull her closer. It was then that she finally let go and started sobbing quietly into his shoulder. She didn’t care if his suit was going to be ruined, nor did he.

It took some time and care along with a mug of warm milk for her to finally calm down.

“I’m sorry, sis. I didn’t mean for you to blow a fuse.”

She chuckled a bit at that but punched him right after in the chest. Not too hard, it was meant to be more of a loving sibling way. “You just had me worried sick. Now tell me what happened.”

So he did. He told her everything and he had to admit that it felt so relieving to finally get it all off his chest. It was a story he’d never thought he’d tell, and yet here he was.

“Oh gosh, don’t,” he sighed, immediately regretting the decision of explaining it to his sister when he looked at the look on her face. “I’m going to bed.”

“You’re completely doll dizzy!” she laughed hysterically.

“You know what, why don’t we talk about the fact that you opened the door to a stranger, drank out of the carton and-“

“Alright, alright. Sorry, I’m just happy for you.”

“And you’re never going to let me hear the end of it.”

“Exactly. So, when are you going to see her again?”

“I don’t know. I’ll see if I bump into her,” Bucky replied. Of course, he was merely telling Rebecca this to keep the last bit of his dignity intact. He was going to visit the dame as soon as possible.

“So you are going to see her again.” He knew she wasn’t asking and avoided her smirk as he got up.

 Four months. It had been four months since he’d last seen her.

When he had tried to contact the number she had given him, no one had picked up. And he had tried to dial every day until he’d run out of quarters for the phone booth right around the block. The address she had been staying at appeared to be completely abandoned when he’d gone to visit it the next weekend like no one had ever even inhabited it in the first place.

And she hadn’t shown up for Christmas. What an idiot, he was. He should’ve expected the tradition to never end, and yet he had kept his hopes up. Nothing but disappointment had come that day.

So, he had kept himself busy. He started working more hours and went out as much as he could. Whether he went to the factory or to the cinema, there was always somewhere he felt like there was something more he should be doing. Every time Steve had asked him what in the world he was doing, he had shrugged it off and told him that he was just saving up and having some fun. It was normal at his age to go dancing as much as he did, after all. It wasn’t normal, however, to endure the labor he was doing. To that, he kept telling Steve, and partially himself as well, that he was training to make a good impression in the army.

He gradually forgot about her, about the feeling she left behind, about the way she looked and acted and even the words she had spoken to him. Because what else could he do. It was ridiculous to think of what could’ve been, had she still been there.

The only thing that mattered was that his sister had finally gotten into a good boarding school, Steve had applied for art school with the extra bit of money Bucky had managed to scramble together and that he himself had gotten enlisted in the army. Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, of the 107th infantry. A good position for a soldier such as him.

“Barnes!” A voice snapped him out of his daze.

He experienced those a lot lately, that floating feeling as if he were dreaming, where his mind always tried to slip back to that big dark inescapable blotch. But he couldn’t lose himself to that. He had to keep himself together. Whether it was for Steve’s, his sister’s or the other soldiers’ sake, he didn’t know. Nor did he care to find out which his conscience had taken to.

His sleeping schedule wasn’t very regular. Either he would have worn himself off so much throughout the day that he would practically collapse on his bed, or he would lay awake when his mind was too restless and it reminded of all the worries still haunting him.

He had half expected all his troubles to go away once he’d join the military, for he would be constantly busy with other things and the money he earned would go straight home. He would have people surrounding him who he could cope with and who understood the space someone like him needed.

It’s the military, after all. No one wants to sit in a circle with a cup of tea to talk about their feelings.

He’d really thought it would be easy like that.

Unfortunately, it was quite the opposite.

His paycheck did go home and his sister was fine, thank god. But Steve? He hadn’t heard from Steve in weeks. He was getting worried, he’d written to him enough times to the point where he had managed to piss off the mailman who had to sort all of it. He’d plainly informed Bucky that he already had enough trouble making sure the letters wouldn’t be intercepted by spies, and that he wasn’t making it any easier on him. So Bucky had decided that enough was enough and cut off the attempt to contact his best pal.

The other soldiers appeared to be a merry bunch, who tried to cling to him as much as possible. He couldn’t blame them really, he had a hard time giving off a ‘don’t talk to me’ appearance when everyone was very brotherly towards him in his camp. Eventually, they all started sharing stories about home, of girls, siblings or parents waiting for them or of the comfort of not being yelled at every single day. Of course, they had known what consequences came with joining the army, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t miss their families. As for Bucky, he felt the same way. However, he did not have a lot of pleasant stories from home to share except for the times when his parents were still with him, and those seemed like ages ago. So he tried to stay in the background and merely listen to the others.

Ultimately, that feeling of homesickness started to get to him too. Late night talks with Rebecca, lunch with Steve and even just seeing the man in the apothecary he missed.

They might be training as much as possible, but during all that, you have too much time to think.

“Barnes! Are you even listening to me?!”

Bucky snapped his head up to meet Colonel Phillips’ glare. The entire brigade had their attention upon him, contributing to the fully aware feeling of what a fool he was making of himself.

“S-Sorry sir, you were saying?” he blubbered finally.

The colonel breathed out through his nose and shook his head marginally. “I was wondering how our troops were doing but it appears that some of them would rather spend their time daydreaming about kissing the Germans instead of fighting them.”

A low set of chuckles emerged from the group of men surrounding them.

“No- No, sir. Sorry, I got distracted for a moment. It won’t happen again, I promise you,” Bucky replied and closed his eyes in embarrassment.

Phillips took a good look at him, and in his orbs flashed this emotion Bucky nearly recognized to be understanding before the colonel cleared his throat. “It better not soldier, otherwise I won’t be able to send you to the front lines.”

A lump formed in Bucky’s throat. He wanted to hide somewhere in a dark corner, anywhere, and be left to rot so his colonel and his parents wouldn’t have to look down upon him anymore with such disappointment. He waited for Phillips to continue, to tell him he should just pack his bags and go home for what use was he, really?

“I think you and your troops should take another lap around the perimeter, let’s see if my warning catches your attention then.”

He let out a relieved sigh and nodded. “Sir, yes sir.”