#ive been so full of feelings but been feeling stifled bc i didnt know how to unleash them

[suckishima]

okay so i know i posted a few weeks ago that i did get to see the haikyuu movie when i was in japan last month and ive been so busy i didnt fully have time to process lol so ive been writing down thoughts as i remember them so, spoilers under the cut (no particular order)

final rally pov shot was craaaaazyyy (sidenote i saw challengers today lmao and they did a similar pov shot thing a couple times and it reminded me how sick it was to see such a complicated thing be animated)

in addition to that tho, while i liked the drop of the music then to just have it be kenmas breathing, i felt lie his breathing seemed a little repetitive?? like it was possibly just the same couple voice recordings repeated???

and also tbh.. i kinda didnt love how after the super amazing pov animation the way they chose to animate the full court flashback to tokyo training camp was just like a flat pan around the room. it just didnt feel all that dynamic after seeing something so cool, and maybe it was just my screening but the image was kinda blurry and not that crisp at that part

in general tho i thought the sound design was really cool, so much of it just straight up felt like a live match happening, and the part when kenma tells hinata to stay interesting and the sound cuts out?? ooo v effective i thought

and then the birdcaaaage aaaah i loved the way the wings like got all stifled in the cage when kenma first trapped him and then ofc the bursting out of it oooo im excited to see it again in imax

there were a tonnnn of small moments that i assumed wouldnt make the cut that actually did too, yaku sitting on lev's back when he's doing pushups, the bokuto/kuroo hair swap flashback lmaooo, goshiki having to share his ipad with tendou (i cant remember for sure now if he actually says that or not but theyre definitely in the movie), bokuto and akaashi coming over and talking to yachi and ah i think theres more. a lot of them were shortened down a bit, but i appreciated them getting attention nonetheless. sadly no kuroo/lev poop conversation though lmaoo

i thought the kuroo/kenma flashbacks were pretty good as well, i think they possibly added a few lines?? it seemed like there were more frames of stuff of kuroo being inspired by the "lowering the net" concept which was really cool bc thats really integral to his character to me. and then theres this line where kenma is like "hinata has kageyama and i have kuroo" and uhhhh that is news to me!! im like 90% thats new content lmao, and oooo it was good, the shots they chose with it too gooood

oh for some reason they changed how kenma flops??? he falls with his butt up in the air instead of just flat??? like why lmao, obviously that was like an Actual Choice they made bc they had to draw it and obviously had the manga as reference and it makes no difference other than to confuse me lolll

im interested to see it again distributed by crunchyroll too bc im sure some of the subs i saw werent right, a few lines just didnt make sense and there were a few instances of like "lead blocking"

and okay. i gotta talk about the chapter 298 stuff

its there its in the movie!! but,, it's watered down lmao

and i think i was also too in my head and overanalyzing it which im disappointed in myself for so im hoping on rewatch ill have a better time

the "hes always been one step ahead of me after all" was like as perfect as it could get tbh, it looks just like the manga and tsukki like says it just right and yamaguchi comes onto the court behind him totally focused and aaah really loved it. then the service ace and tsukkis little laugh it really good

but then i'm torn on the actual serve and block, there's no inner thoughts on yamaguchis "oh no the ball isnt drifting enough" and then tsukkis silent reply "no that was plenty" before stuffing it, so we arent hearing their like mind reading/intuition connection there which was a bummer. and thennnn im not positive on this bit but i dont think anyone repeats anything about the serve and block being the perfect play?? (its yamaguchi echoing ukai in the manga) and then no little flashbacks to how theyve been training

HOWEVER the big main flashbacks of seeing how yamaguchi walks from behind tsukki to in front of him are there!!! and the way theyre presented is interesting? i was like taken aback by the decision to have the clips being showed within their silhouettes as they move toward each other (i couldnt even tell thats what it was at first tbh..) that i missed whether or not all the panels were in it..... (majorly disappointed in myself for that one). idk visually i found it a little confusing i guess and so i couldnt fully appreciate and im hoping itll look cool on rewatch when i understand whats happening

and then the high five ahhh it was pretty good, idk if anything will ever live up to that manga panel for me, the joy and success and sense of achievement in that image means so much to me lol, but its animated fairly well. do wish they didnt cover tsukkis smile tho

then kuroo asks how tsukki feels about volleyball and he says its fun and he smiles and its.. fine. like ugh its just one of those things were this entiiiire section just slightly suffered from being a two minute segment of a movie instead of a whole episode (or even just half an episode tbh), like something about his smile and saying it was fun just fell a little flat for me and i was unfortunately a little sad about it, i was hoping for a little more buildup and like emphasis. this is a huuuuge culminating moment for him and it didnt quite feel like it to me bc the movie had to have other priorities where a season wouldnt have

later one when tsukki and kuroo are like battling at the net exhausted tho and tsukki smiles again that was pretty good, the animated is really top notch when theyre all panting n stuff, and the voice acting there was great, really liked it

[jemmo]

Just wanted to let you know your bad buddy tags always get me so emotional particularly your thoughts on Pran. He is my son and I'm sad his feelings are kinda misunderstood by people in the fandom because he focuses on more than Pat's feelings. Wanting to call his mom simply because he was worried she would be lonely and worried without him told me everything I needed to know about Pran because contrary to what a lot of others seem to have read from it, I just thought it showed his thoughtfulness and kindness? I imagine he must've been under a lot stress and feeling conflicted juggling not only his and Pat's happiness but also everyone else's. I think at the end of the day he just wants to keep the peace and keep everyone happy irregardless of his own wants and needs and I think that's both heartbreaking but also sweet. Or maybe I'm reading it wrong? I don't know.

maybe its kinda good that im lazy with replying to my anons bc reading this after ep 12 is quite interesting. i so agree with what you said anon. i havent exactly seen a lot of people misunderstanding pran but i definitely see how he could be misunderstood. and its not just in ep 11, its throughout the series, especially ep 6 onwards. even before then, you can see how pran's tendency to close off from pat, to put him at arms length and isolate himself from him affects pat. you see pat constantly constantly seeking pran's time and attention only to be shut out. pran cant consciously let himself be around pat. most of the scenes with them together pre-ep7 come about bc pat seeks pran out, and pran is only able to spend time with pat when he's not thinking, be it him getting swept up by pat's goofiness or arguing with him or doing something together, you see pran's brain switch off. he relaxes, goes with the flow, drops some of those boundaries as pat worms his way in before they rebuild themselves in full force and shove him out. and every encounter goes a little bit further, they get a little bit closer, a little bit more serious or honest, only for pran to catch himself and abort. and despite being in pran's pov, its not difficult to imagine how this hurts pat, especially in retrospect knowing what we know now about pat's loneliness and how he adversely responds to being called a jinx or a curse, how he hates carrying blame that he shouldn't have to but takes on anyway, the unconscious guilt bubbling underneath the surface and how that affects the way he is with pran.

(this is kinda off topic from the question but as i wrote that i realised i've never really considered the complexities of that before. how pat's guilt could make him feel so contentious about wanting to spend time with pran. bc he gravitates towards pran like nothing else, and yet doesn't realise his feelings for him until ep 5 when romance is directly brought up in his own life. so before that, was there an element of wanting to be around pran bc of his guilt?? bc he feels bad and therefore wants to repay him by doing these good things. we know what their real meaning are, but pat's guilt i similarly buried like his romantic feelings, and they unconciously affect his actions, so its not a stretch to say that his unaddressed guilt does too. but at the same time, he has to know that the reason he feels guilty, the reason why he hurt pran was bc he spent time with him. simply being around him put pran in trouble, so now, when he seeks out pran, i wonder does that make him feel uneasy. like how at odds must it make him feel knowing that he's caused pran trouble by being his friend, yet all he wants in the world is to be his friend. something he desires so fundamentally has been proven to be a bad thing, so how does he reconcile with that?? when he's been the one to make pran sad, how can he also go about wanting to be the person to make pran smile?? idk i just feel like there's real complexity to pat reconciling his guilt with wanting to be around pran, and for emotionally 'simple' pat, i feel like its a lot)

(also editing jess im putting a read more here purely so i dont clog ppls dashs with my messy rant but pls go on ahead)

but anyway back on topic, when pat recognises and vocalises his feelings in ep 5, the way pran's reflex to push pat away hurts pat is a lot more obvious, in that you come to realise that a level of hurt has been there all along but now, similarly to how he has identified his feelings, he's identified why that rejection hurts, and its brought to the surface for us to see. i said this before around when these eps were airing and i'll say it again, i love this about pran. i love that he has this flaw, that he selfishly disregards pat's feelings for his own safety, even tho it's not exactly a good safety, its more a fear of change and need to maintain peace and the status quo. and now in retrospect, i love even more how it reflects dissaya's handling of her situation with ming. bc just as she held onto her feelings of anger and need for revenge as a way to not address the hurt and betrayl, and subsequently passed that hurt onto other people, pran is doing exactly the same with pat. he's still struggling, but he's avoiding facing some difficult emotions, avoiding addressing the big elephant in the room so that he doesn't have to reconcile with it. and in the same way the hurt of dissaya is passed to pran, pran's hurt is passed to pat. he's made to feel uncomfortable and unhappy and just has to accept things are this way, go at pran's place, all so that pran doesn't have to face reality.

its honestly a great mirroring of mother and son, the difference being that pran is in this with pat. pran didn't stand up to his mother and make her face what she's doing, but pat does that with pran. he does so immediately and consistently and unforgivingly. he chases and pursues and tells him in no few words that he is struggling and he can't handle being in this emotional place pran has put him in. dissaya is allowed to live in her constructed safety but pran isn't, pat smashes down those walls and calls him out, won't let him stay in that unaffected, unfeeling bubble. and for him, its both out of selfishness for his own feelings but also bc he knows thats ultimately not a good place for pran to be. that remaining in perceived peace is only gonna be stagnant and dull and draining for pran. its only gonna limit him to the life he's already accepted. pat doesn't want that, he wants more, for both of them, so he seizes it.

again, that was a bit of a tangent, but getting finally to ep 11, i wanna take this chance to hone in on one of my favourite lines pran has ever said that i dont think i've really seen ppl talk about. its when he's talking to junior's mom and she says 'i even wanted to be a pirate. luckily my mom didn't allow it. otherwise i'd be throwing a net for a living'. and pran simply replies 'or you'd become a famous pirate'. i love this line more than i can say bc it says so much about pran as a person and his relationship with his mother. i remember using this phrase in a post before; pran is a dreamer forced to be a realist. you can see it in the things he's drawn to, music and design, he clearly has an artistic soul that must be very at odds with the person he’s been shaped to be, someone realistic thats constantly being made to face the facts of this world, and being told they’re unfair and unforgiving and hence he must work and fight and be successful to find his place, all things dissaya puts on him bc she went through something so unjust. and the thing is, i said something similar in some tags about pat yesterday that i’ll put here.

i see this for pran too, in that his mother has engrained a competitiveness and need for success into him that i think if she hadn’t, wouldn’t be absent from his personality. its just a part of him. and we can see that bc his eyes light up at any kind of challenge from pat even when it has no stakes, he just likes to compete, even more so now when its in such a happy and relaxed context. and we see it with him at uni. in ep 1, his mom isnt forcing him into anything, in fact they’re concerned he’s taking on too much responsibility with the class president role. but he does it anyway, much like he plays on the faculty rugby team, much like he takes on the bus stop project, much like he takes on a job for the play. i see people saying that many of these things were forced on him by wai and that kinda frames pran as someone that never had drive or a want to do stuff and succeed. people make out that his mom and wai expect him to be that person. but i dont see it that way. i see pran as someone who has a lot of drive, and has an innate desire for success in life, someone who wants to conquer and do stuff, live very involved and fully. i mean he goes abroad to work of his own volition for god sake, he has grand aims. and i love this about him bc it would’ve been so easy to have him be the shy boy with no friends. but he’s not. and he’s not dampened and depressed and weighed down by his unrequited crush either as would’ve been easy. he lives. even in high school he joins the band, and in uni he’s very involved with extra circular stuff. he’s clearly outgoing and personable. but there’s also been a very fine line he’s had to tread here, whereby he wants to be successful and good at things and so does his mom, but his mom also doesn’t want him to have high hopes or spend time investing in something that isnt a sure thing, like music (but also i think she takes that away from him bc its something that tethers him to pat), so he has to reconcile his desire for success while still quashing his dreams. he can want big things but only if they’re the right big things. he can dream big but not too big. 

idk again i feel like there’s a lot of complexity there. so when pran says ‘you could’ve been a famous pirate’, its saying a lot. its saying that your parents dont always know whats best, that there’s something limiting in never trying to reach for your dream bc you’ll never know if it was actually possible to accomplish, that its redundant to ask children to have dreams and aspirations when later down the road they’ll only be seen as stupid and childish. pran says he wants to be a musician, and i could’ve seen this being something he actively pursued more than architecture. and its not a lie that he enjoys what he studies too, its not that his job now is unfulfilling, its just that, given the chance, he could’ve tried, but his mother never let him. music became off limits and now he’ll never know if he could’ve ‘become a famous pirate’. but still, that doesn’t stop him from playing for himself, and for pat, and finding joy in it. his love for music never dulled. bc some kids have dreams that aren’t stupid even if you think they are. some kids have big aspirations not out of childish innocence to how difficult the world is, but bc of innate passion that outlives innocence, and stays a passion even when they know its hard. some things stick, and pran might not be a famous pirate, but he can still play pirates with pat and have fun as if they were kids all over again. 

(side note but this is one of my tiny gripes with the show. not a criticism bc i understand why its the way it is, but i would’ve loved to have known what pat would’ve been interested in, studied, done as a job if it wasn’t for his father. i feel like dissaya was a lot more relaxed in this sense, as in pran didnt need to take after her, she just wanted him to be successful and choose a path that was a sure thing, that was safe and reliable career wise, and as long as he succeeded in that it was ok. but ming clearly wants pat to follow in his footsteps. they play the same sport, study the same major, do the same job. its a path predetermined for him since birth. pran was both given more space interest wise but also i feel saw that his mother wasnt always right a lot earlier, and that enabled him to explore his passions. pat tho, he was set from an early age, and made to idolise his father such that he never entertained anything outside of what he was prescribed. he never thought about what he liked to do or what he was interested in bc it was all set for him. so i’d love to know what, given the freedom, he’d find his passion to be (possible s2 plotline anyone??))

im sorry so much of this is off question but im kinda rambling and going with the flow here, i just have a lot of thoughts. and in regards to that aside about pat and his own dreams, i think that plays in to how things go down in ep 11. bc the only way pat has defied his father is by being with pran, everything else is what his father wants. pran on the other hand wants to and has before defied his mother in multiple ways ie with music. and what i said about him having more freedom in regards to his life choices, he has a much larger world view than pat bc he’s been able to construct more of it himself. even without pat in it, pran still has other things he loves and cares about, namely family, career and passions. pat has not been allowed to find any of his own passions, isnt allowed to forge his own career and his connection to his family has just been broken. he has pa and his mom, and his friends, but they’re all so closely linked to his father and the life that hes set out for him that by severing the connection he had with his father, all those other things are too difficult to think about. so his world view is tiny, his world view is just pran. thats why he wants to run away for good, thats why he entertains that idea, bc in the height of his emotions he doesnt think he has anything he wants to go back to. hes completely happy with starting fresh and living a simple life here. pran isnt. pran’s relationship with his mother has not been completely broken, he still empathises with her as a victim. and he has all his own goals, goals that cant be realised by running away and living here with pat. 

and also ever the realist, he knows its not possible logistically. fairy tales aren’t realistic. they’d have to work their asses off and wouldnt have any of the comforts and amenities theyre used to in their middle class city lives. the days would be repetitive and mundane and the novelty of being able to be together would slowly wear off and they’d just feel stuck. pran would always be quashed and limited in this life. and its not selfish of him to want more, and its not weak of him to want to return, and it doesnt mean his love for pat is any less. he just sees the bigger picture where pat’s anger has given him absolute tunnel vision. and as you said, pran is more predisposed to be kind to his mother bc she was wronged. despite her poor handling of her pain, he still cares for her and empathises with her being hurt, and so wants to be caring, worries about her, wants to make sure she’s ok. pran has had a lot more time to sit with the knowledge that his parents arent always right so he isn’t charged with anger and a want to rebel. maybe he was once, but he’s had those feelings long enough for them to soften. what he is feeling for the first time is all the empathy for his mother’s hurt, thats whats fresh and new, so thats what he feels more strongly vs pat’s newly unleashed anger and disappointment. 

the only thing i’d slightly disagree with is pran keeping the peace irregardless of his own wants and needs. maybe he did in earlier episodes, but now i think knowing how they dealt with things in ep 12, it shows he’s more concerned with keeping a veneer and facade of peace while still getting what he wants. he’s found a middle ground where he can have it all in measured amounts instead of going all in on one thing. he gets the career, he gets music, he gets family, he gets pat. he’s decided that for him, having all the things he wants is better than only having one thing he wants in the exact way he wants it. the career might not be his dream, music is still something he keeps private, he still has to lie to his parents and he still has to keep his relationship with pat a secret. none of these are ideal, but for a lot of people having it all is better than having it perfect. and in fact, learning to find happiness through non-ideal situations has given him better results than having one thing fully and having happiness the way he wants but only in that limited aspect. no matter what, there’s always gonna be what ifs, there’s always gonna be if onlys, but one thing that no one can take away from pran now is his ability to decide for himself. he plots his own path and finds happiness in it. his life is no longer being lead, he’s leading it. and he chooses to lead it by being the kindest he can to everyone, bc thats the pran i know and love. the one that cares with actions more than words, and will always look for the good in people. thats why i love him.

(sorry i wrote a whole ass essay anon. you said you enjoyed my takes on pran so heres a whole ass heap of them. i clearly have a lot of untapped feelings about these boys still and as soon as im given a question and a vessel through which to unleash all my thoughts, i just cant stop. so yeah, ugh, hope you enjoy this mess)

[reemzayn]

Before new year

Hi there

Id write briefly something about how this year has gone by so fast and I cant believe its already its 2018. Im so happy to say goodbye to 2017 bc quite frankly it messed with me bad, spattered here and there with lots breakdowns and setbacks. Sorry, for being hiatus. These past  few months, I took long time off. I just want to be completely honest and raw here

1. Anxiety-ridden/disturbance

Ive been dealing with a lot of anxiety. Often, it gets so bad that I wouldnt be able to focus or think rationally. I get negative. I get in this scenario where I can say I cant do it anymore and that or circumstances hit me once or twice. I go through days and feel like ive accomplished nothing. Im finding it difficult to focused on a thought and couldnt finish my to-do lists for that day. And I always find myself start to dwelling on my past, dwelling on people, dwelling on things I cant control anymore. Overloaded by too many emotions at once gets m stifled. It sort of consumes and eats away at me and leaves me feeling down. I was overwhelmd and stresed out by all that. Itss like a heaviness in my heart that is indescribebla. There are certain people in my life and things that happen that just make me feel drained, alone, sad, stupid, lost, and with no end in sight. It is a choice, isnt it? to decide if what I am feeling is a good thing or a thing of dread. I am the type of person very emotional and sensitibe to little things. I get too emotional and let feelings take over my life. I know, it should be like this. I want to be so transparent with myself and I always write about what I am doing in a day because it gives me a sort of calmness. Alam ko magiging okay din ang lahat. I know that, reem just be patient. And now, I am ready to take myself on a challenged to a 365-day social media detox

2. Social Media detox

Before I used to sppend a lot of my time browsing my social media feeds, even at times I shouldnt. I feel like wanting to dlete my social media accounts for good na talaga but ive been also thinking, hindi muna ngayon. And things arent going well for me, ive also noticed the negative impact it can have on my mental health mas lalo na ngayon that I have so much on my mind. Except for tumblr, whatsapp (for family purpose) and my email. I know that taking a break from my social media will help me get back into a more positive headspace and you know, I think it can be very healing talaga when you are away from any notifications. While I may or may not completing a full social media detox, but I think a break from social media would do me good and much easier to just focus on myself and bettering myself

 3. Him 

Omg, you wont believe me for everything happened these past few weeks. Nagkita na kami ulit. Just yesterday our last texts. We were texting each other again. But I dont know, I havr this mixed emotions. I dont where should I stand. I really dont know. And that gets me so sad, he knows that am still into him. I know i ll be okay one day as in okay talaga. In shaa Allah. Today, I didnt text him. I dont want to bother him. Kahit gustong gusto ko sya kausap pero hindi ko alam. Naiiyak lang ako bigla tuwing maisip ko na masyotbo ko sya kahit sinasabi nya naman na hindi. Alam mo yun, sa sobrang pagiingat mo na masaktan mo ulit sya or masamok mo sya

 Dec 31 2017 9am