#ive been playing gratuitous amounts of ratchet and clank

[theredwallrecorder]

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) pt 3 - SHOWSTOPPER

*walks up to the mic in a completely silent auditorium*

*clears throat loudly, opens mouth*

[this is what comes out of my gaping mouth]

( ͡°( ͡° ͜ʖ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°) ͡°)

I’m not gonna lie, I love Martin and company with a fiery passion, but sweet Redwall strawberries if I haven’t been waiting for this part since the beginning of this ridiculous fic. Our heroes have had their time in the limelight, and now to introduce the real showstoppers. We’re goin full anime up in here, and by “full anime” I mean “you about to be smothered in copious bromance and awesome combat”. From this point on, fic parts will focus on individual duels, but it’ll all get tied together in the end. @thegoldensoundtwice not a day goes by that I don’t blow a kiss in your general direction for riding this crazy train with me. Thank you for lettin’ me borrow your daughter ;3

Please enjoy Redwall Hell: The Anime pt 3, in which Martin and company are redirected to a new waypoint, and Vulpuz pretty much loses it. How are we supposed to hold all his pent-up anger and frustration? No clue, but I’m willing to bet that she would know the answer to that one. *wink* Also, if anyone’s curious, the top two photos at this link depict what she’s wearing upon her arrival, courtesy of @raphcrow. Thanks for the ref material, bae, and more besides. <3

A quick note on wounds/injuries in Redwall Hell: I’m working off the headcanon that you can sustain injuries in Hellgates. The visible ones (cuts, bruises, etc) leave behind a wound that glows with a soft light. I imagine this plays into the “yes, you are actually in purgatory” atmosphere. However, you do not actively bleed in Hellgates. I mean... you’re already dead, lol. You can’t die twice... right?

If there’s a part 3, that means there’s a part 1 and a part 2. Have at ‘em.

Oh, and here are some jams for your listening pleasure: /SHOWSTOPPER/, /LAST REMOTE/, /THROWDOWN/, /THIS TOWN, YOUR GRAVE/, /NOVOCAINE/, /DRUMMING SONG/, /DARK HORSE/, /GIRL/

Let’s rave.

- - - - - -

Martin and Laterose blinked. The quarry, the sea, the makeshift throne and all of the northeastern shore by Marshank was utterly gone, as if somebeast had taken an old rag and wiped them from existence. The scene from ages past had been replaced by the familiar veined brimstone and eerie reddish glow of the desolate landscape of Hellgates. They were standing in a small clearing, edged on three sides with a low wall constructed of mismatched obsidian boulders. Myriad chunks of brimstone littered the area. Warily, Martin abandoned his offensive charge, the point of his sword still trained forwards. The sounds of indiscriminate shuffling prompted him to look back over his shoulder.

Rose had stopped swinging her sling. She was kneeling alongside Dinny and Grumm, helping the two dazed moles to come back to their senses. Several feet behind them, Gonff sat up, patting himself down to make sure he was still in one piece. His face was the very picture of awed surprise and confusion, but when he locked eyes with Martin, the irrepressible mousethief burst out laughing.

“Hahaha! We’re alive!” he cried, leaping to his footpaws. Hardly able to contain his joy, Gonff cartwheeled over to where Felldoh still lay in a baffled heap, the warrior squirrel’s intact spear laying across his chest. Still laughing, Gonff snatched up the spear and offered Felldoh a paw. “Up y’come, matey!”

Felldoh groaned as Gonff helped him up off the ground. “Ooh, that’s a sore spot for sure. Would anybeast be able to explain what exactly just—”

He froze mid-sentence, his mouth hanging open. In their midst a vixen had suddenly materialized, a dark gossamer cloak swirling slightly about her. She stood, tall and stern, her unwavering gaze fixed not on any of the company, but upon the disturbed visage of the Great Vulpuz. The ruler of Hellgates was crouching close to the ground a few yards away, his jaw working spasmodically, his eyes fixed on the cloaked vixen. Without moving a single muscle, she spoke to the woodlanders gathered around her, her tone low and urgent.

“You have done well to come so far. Now, you must abandon this fight. Follow my lantern. It will lead you to the one who does not belong here.”

In that moment the six friends became aware of the presence of a gentle glow, softer and more substantial than the unnatural light of Hellgates. The light emanated from an elegant paper lantern affixed to a delicate pole of bamboo wood, which had appeared in the air next to Gonff. The lantern swayed gently back and forth in an unseen wind, its pole hovering several feet off the ground. The aft end of the pole rotated slowly upwards, the artfully carved handle coming to rest against the back of one of Gonff’s paws, as if the lantern was offering itself up to be held.

The mousethief hesitated, his brow creased with doubt. He glanced up at Martin. The warrior mouse’s mouth was set in a grim line, and he was watching the newly-arrived vixen intently. The thought of the group being confronted by another deadly trap flitted briefly through Gonff’s mind.

“It’s all right, Gonff,” Rose broke through the mousethief’s reverie. “This is the one who has been guiding us with her voice, the Lady of Hellgates.”

“Burr aye, take oop ee loight, zurr Gonffen,” Grumm encouraged.

Bolstered by his friends’ confidence, Gonff reached out to grasp the Lady’s lantern. The bamboo pole seemed to thrum with an energy all its own, causing a tingling sensation in his paw. He eyed the lantern curiously as it bobbed to and fro.

“How will this tell us where to go? Should I… ask it?” He gestured to the lantern with his free paw. “Will you show us the way?”

Without warning the lantern and its pole bucked so fiercely, Gonff was forced to take hold of it with both paws. The animated lamp seemed to gather itself before executing an enormous leap, effectively dragging Gonff across the clearing. “This waaay, maaaaaaaates!” he managed to holler back at the company before the lantern tugged him over the crest of a low hill and out of sight.

Loth to abandon what he knew to be a brewing conflict, Martin hovered betwixt uncertainty and his warrior instincts. It was not in his nature to leave another to fight his battles for him, especially one so mysterious as the Lady of Hellgates.  

“Go.”

The Lady’s spellbinding voice shattered Martin’s spirit of indecision. For the first time she tore her gaze from Vulpuz, a vague smile of admiration playing about her lips as she beheld the warrior mouse with her bright, piercing eyes.

“Your heart has courage, but you know not whom you face,” she cautioned. “You must be swift, warrior! The tenderhearted one called Blaggut needs you!”

The mention of a creature in need reminded Martin of the task at hand. He nodded to the rest of the company, and the five friends tore off across the clearing after Gonff, disappearing together over the distant knoll. The Lady breathed a visible sigh of relief as she felt the presences of the woodlanders grow faint.

Meanwhile, Vulpuz, ruler of Hellgates, had abandoned himself to a temper tantrum. At some point during the exchange between the Lady and Martin’s group, he had thrown himself upon the ground to writhe piteously in the dust, scoring deep scratches in the earth with his claws. At intervals he would throw up his head to snarl at the sky, tearing great tufts of white fur out of his tail as he did so. Ravenously he gnawed upon the boulders around him, crushing broken pieces of the fiery brimstone between his powerful jaws. He eventually succumbed to rapidly dragging his paws down his face in a repetitive, anxious blur of motion, all the while hurling accusations, entreaties, and insults at the Lady.

“How could you? How could you?!” he screeched, his voice rising to a fever pitch. “I had them! Do you know how many eons of insufferable boredom I could have blissfully passed through with those imbeciles as my pets?” Vulpuz’s eyes bulged, the veins in his neck pulsating as he gave full vent to his rage. “Curse you, foul and deranged vixen! How could you take this from me?! This was to be my moment of ultimate triumph, the pivotal instance where I, the Great Vulpuz, would steal the very crown of Dark Forest right from under the dripping snouts of those idiotic woodlanders! Why? Why?! What in my name have I ever done to you to deserve this sort of treatment?” The Great Vulpuz scrambled onto his footpaws with erratic urgency. He paused briefly, his chest heaving from the exertion of his outburst.

“I… I have to do something about you. I must do something about you!” Vulpuz’s upper lip curled into a snarl, flecks of spittle falling from his chin. “I… I know you will interfere again… if given the chance.”

The Lady placed one paw on her hip, regarding Vulpuz with mild amusement. “There,” she cooed at him. “You’ve spoken your piece. Tell me, how does the Great Vulpuz feel now?”

The white fox’s entire body shook, and he bent forward at the waist. “Ooooooh, I feel so betrayed,” Vulpuz wailed, his voice almost a sob. He continued to speak aloud to nobeast in particular, his gestures wild and distracted. “How could she do this to me? Me, the ruler of Hellgates? When I knew she had come, I rejoiced, thinking she would join me in my revelry… but, no.” He scuffed at the ground with a vicious kick. “No, no, NO! She protected those miscreants! Hellsteeth! Just thinking about it makes me want to tear myself limb from bloody limb! Augh! And the smell! How noxious and revolting the stench of Dark Forest that clung to their miserable bodies like fine mail!”

A full minute of complete silence elapsed, in which Vulpuz remained hunched over and panting, the inner flames of his fury stoking themselves into an untamable wildfire. Slowly he raised his head, locking eyes with the sole object of his hatred, and in his gaze was the pale light of a cruelty so chilling the Lady flicked one ear in acknowledgement of it.

“I feel… rage.” Vulpuz’s voice had grown deathly quiet. “Rage at the one who took what was mine by right of conquest. How deeply I long to thrash her beyond recompense, to tear out her eyes and commit them to the infernal winds, to defile her adulterous establishment, to completely and utterly…”

He smiled at her.

“… Devour you.”

The reddish light of Hellgates slowly dimmed until the Lady found herself surrounded by complete darkness. Though Vulpuz was unaware of it, she could still see him, his knack for warping appearances having no effect on her. He was laughing now, echoes of maniacal glee ringing about the stone-rimmed clearing.

“I’ve had enough of your kittish antics, vixen,” he admonished. “I will let the stroke of my chisel of anger fall upon you. Haha, finally! You will give me what I desire, and if not, I shall carve it from you by force.”

Four distinct presences manifested themselves to the Lady in the same moment, catching her off guard. Before she could react she was confronted by a heavy whooshing sound, and out of the corner of her eye she saw a great iron war club come barreling down towards her. In an instant there was an answering flash of drawn steel, and Willow Slay stood alongside the Lady, her flawless curved blade effortlessly parrying the fatal strike.

The Lady blinked. “Willow Slay, what in Hellgates are you—!”

The chef of Redwall Hell’s nightclub unceremoniously interrupted her. “My Lady, on your right!”

Out of the darkness snaked a cruel thonged whip, the metal barbs lashed to its ends seeking to tear gaping holes in the Lady’s flesh. Suddenly, the whip caught on an obstruction in its flight path. Nivedita did not even wince as the biting thongs wrapped themselves around her upraised arm. She snarled into the shadows, dislodging the projectiles from her wrist and forearm with a disdainful shake.

“My Lady, are you hurt?” Nivedita turned slightly to catch the eyes of her mistress, the glow from her wounds highlighting the contours of concern etched into her face.

“Well, no,” the Lady blustered, “I am fine… but, you both, I…”

Willow laughed out loud as she deftly tossed her blade to her off paw in order to summon forth a pair of throwing knives. “My Lady, I know you didn’t really expect us to remain at the nightclub while you went off to tango with the old fox. Damn well inconsiderate of you— erm, pardon the language.

“That is, we’d like to tango too, if it’s all right with you,” Nivedita finished sheepishly.

The Lady observed both her steward and chef with wonder. The unlikely pair were peering into the darkness around them, every muscle poised to defend. Very little surprised the Lady, but the loyalties of her most beloved children never ceased to prompt within her a spirit of humble gratitude. She bowed her head before glancing up in Vulpuz’s direction, a tacit gesture of submission.

“I… consider myself thoroughly chastised,” she exhaled, the slightest hint of a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. “Forgive me, Nivedita, Willow, for attempting to deprive you of this honor your both rightfully covet.”

The chef and the steward seemed to swell with pride. Boldly they faced the darkness before them, fearing neither creature nor fate.

“Think nothing of it, my Lady,” declared Willow. She directed her knives to circle in the air above her free paw, the tip of her sword flicking up and down in sync with their rotation. “These blades are yours to command!”

“Yes!” Hope danced in Nivedita’s eyes as she adopted what she thought to be a cool and aggressive combat stance. “Let us fight with you!”

“Shut up, shut up!” Vulpuz roared from his hiding place in the shadows. “How dare you show your faces here, you worthless serfs! I will have nothing to do with you. Amuse yourselves with my right and left paws whilst I entertain your mistress!”

“Ha! Suits me!” Willow Slay scoffed. “I’ll tan any hide what shows its miserable self here! Prepare yourself to receive me, clubface!” Without another word the courageous mink threw herself into the darkness, leading with her blades.

Nivedita’s kind features were set with determination. “For you, my Lady,” she intoned, stepping forth to allow the shadows to swallow her up as well.

The Lady breathed deeply, her all-knowing gaze effortlessly piercing the darkness. She locked eyes with the infuriated ruler of Hellgates and gracefully held out an open paw.

“I am ready, Vulpuz.”