#ive been like eating a lot for the last year and I'm fat again

[miss-ery-3]

heyyy friends. long time, no see haha. you've probably all forgotten about me, but i'm here to tell you: i'm back (once again) bitchezzzz😎

i don't think i've checked in for like...... 3 months ish?? four months maybe??

quick update: i've been constantly switching between almost not eating for days, to eating everything and anything since then. i'm very thankful for the days, where i haven't eaten, because i haven't gained tooooo badly, and i'm still a lower weight than when i started this blog last summer (almost a year ago i think!!!). i am still about 3 kgs down from that, i think. i know it isnt a lot, but it is better than being the same weight or heavier!

well, other than that, life has been quite shit. ive had several breakdowns, including at my doctors :'DD yayyy she then referred me to a therapist and told me that i suffer from stress, anxiety and possibly ocd. yippie. love that for me

my bf and i have been not-so-good either, but we're still together, although most of the time we spent together is spent crying and talking about our relationship and all the suffering i've been through in the time we've been together. yippieeeee. loveeee that for meeee

if ANYONE remember my ✨pants of horror✨ which are a size xs-s, i just tried them on, and they do fit, although a bit tightly.... last summer, i couldnt even get them over my fat fucking thighs. small victories everybody

WELL

my stats atm are:

Height: 162 cm/5,4-ish feet (i think?)

Weight: 56,6 kg/125-ish pounds

it is currently 6:15 pm where i am, and i have had a lot of water, coffee and a bowl of greek yogurt today, so my weight is probably lower than 56,6 kg when i wake up tomorrow. i will update you :**<33

ttyl

[anotherfauxredhead]

The Post-Bisalp Diaries, Part One

It's been one week and a day since my tubes went off to a better place, and I gotta say: my healing process has gone...better than I thought. I'm not sure why, but here's what I've done since the surgery:

*Day Of (Right After Surgery)*

Let me preface this by saying I am a Keto eater (been so for four-plus years) and I can fast for hours in between dinner and breakfast. I last consumed solid food around 10:49PM the night before. I broke my fast shortly after 2PM (5 hours after I had the surgery; I got stuck at the hospital for a little while) and I. WANTED. FOOD! This wasn't bland-ass foods I broke my fast to. I had scrambled eggs, French toast, ham, cereal, some chocolate, and a Quest protein drink. (All sugar-free/low-carb, by the way.) I'm sure I consumed almost a day's worth of calories for my late AF breakfast, but I didn't care. I was happy to have food again. Throat was sore from the tube they stuck in there during surgery, so I also loaded up on low-carb ice cream (Rebel is my bestie for ice cream cravings).

Along with my lunch (also eaten hella late), I also took the first dose of Ibuprofen I was prescribed.

And I felt like weak trash. I don't know why--maybe its high dosage fucked with me (I also seldom take regular-dose ibuprofen), or the anesthesia wearing off, but I felt like I was gonna crash. My appetite sure did; my dinner was pre-made chicken soup and a slice of toasted keto bread. And I barely stomached it all. I'd also forgotten that the doctors also gave me some antibiotics in my IV, and it's best to counter antibiotics with probiotics a few hours after antibiotic consumption so your stomach doesn't get upset. I took a high dose probiotic pill with my dinner, and I think it seemed to help. I ended up sleeping like a rock that night.

*Day After Surgery*

Felt a little better than last night. No more ibuprofen for me! I went back to one of my favorite natural pain relievers: Terry Naturally's Curamin. YMMV, but they've worked for me when I get shit like headaches, PMS cramps, etc. My appetite still felt suppressed but I managed to have some good fats (such as nuts and avocados) with my meals that was mostly light foods (salad, cereal, soup, etc.) I kept on with my probiotic use, which may have helped in reducing gas and bloat.

As someone who likes being active and does a lot of walking, I knew I had to limit myself upon taking that first post-surgery walk. I couldn't even take the stairwell down, and I already have an aversion to using my apartment's elevator as I don't like potentially sharing it with others. (The pandemic ruined elevator rides with others for me, and there's some nasty-ass people that live in my building. Yes, I still mask up indoors.) Anyways, it was refreshing to go outside. The weather was great for walking, but all I could get was around 25 minutes before my body told me to get back home. I usually can walk for longer periods than that. Also, my neighborhood is a great place to walk/jog around, but avoiding inclines was another odd thing I had to temporarily avoid. Equally weird was seeing my pedometer clock in 4100 steps; I'm someone who can easily do 10K+ steps. But my tube-free self needed to heal.

*Days Two-Six Post-Surgery*

My appetite was slowly starting to return. I've been eating mostly clean/whole foods up until Day Five when I started craving keto processed foods again. (Do you know that there's such a thing as keto pop tarts?) And I walked a little more every day. Finally hit 10K steps on Day Six. My incisions continued to heal, and I'd be so damned if I didn't live in a state that banned CBD products.

Day Six was not just the First Day of Summer, but also the day I returned to driving. Oh, so that's what it feels like to drive again!

What happened here, by the way, was true. I know there are idiot drivers on the road, but, seriously, it felt like there were more of them when I returned to driving. What fucking gives?!

*One Week Later*

No major problems whatsoever. Back to eating the foods I usually eat. I felt a little more worn out after my walk yesterday as I ended up taking the stairwell down (the lone elevator in my building was tied up when I wanted to leave--just my luck) and walking to my favorite nail salon that was only a 10 minute walk from my home. I could've driven there, but since I live in a metro area, all public parking costs something. I chose to save my coins for a manicure--something I wasn't able to have in a while since I had to keep my nails bare for the surgery.

It's now Day 8, and I'm looking forward to celebrating some Pride festivities in the city this weekend. No ouchies or aches at the moment, and I hope it stays that way.

So there you have it: my first week without the tubes. This diary will be an ongoing project, given that I have time to write it all up. (I got other projects to work on besides this Tumblr.) Once again, I have to say I'm a little amazed that I've been healing quicker than usual. Still don't know if it had to do with my diet or the CBD gummies or sheer good luck (yeah, sure). I expected to be bed-ridden the first few days, but it didn't happen. I sat a lot more at my desk, but I wasn't sluggish to where I wanted to relax in bed almost the whole day. I'm kind of bloated at the moment (booooooo) but I hear it's common to have that after a Bisalp. The shoulder pain some women experienced post-Bisalp? Hasn't happened to me. And that bed rest pillow some suggested to invest in for post-surgery recovery has yet to be used. (I only paid $5 for it at a thrift store, so no big loss.) But I'll eventually relax on it, smiling to myself, knowing that me choosing to be sterilized was the right decision, and probably one of the best decisions my childfree self has ever made. Sometimes I think I'm a dumbass, but not this time.

[otasnox]

its feeling jealous again time :( i wish i was normal i dont want to get annoyed by my friends if i think too hard!!! i love them so so so much!!! but also im a little sick of hearing about transformers (i call with two friends usually and most of what they talk about is transformers) and normally im fine with it!!! god knows im the same way with my interests and 99% of the time it doesnt bother me!!! but the one thing that gets under my skin is when the two of them like they like each other way more than they like me. when they sound like they talk way more often than i talk with either of them. i get jealous you know like :(

i love them but i miss them? even though we talk all the time? maybe im just lonelier than i thought idk. i feel like i have very few friends these days (the only friends i have that i've talked to in the last 3 or so months are my online ones (i love my family dearly but they're family before they're friends if that makes sense?) like. i think i could count the number of times i left the house since i last saw my two irl friends (october 28th 2023) & i think the number would be less than 40.

cause i never go outside because i never have anything to do off my computer. i had doctor's appts for my broken foot but those are getting less and less frequent as it heals. i have physical therapy but that'll stop soon too (because i'm healing). i started my drumming lessons again next week, so i guess that's good. i like my drum lessons. my teacher is really fun and chill and nice, he's like a cool older brother (or maybe more like an uncle?) idk.

but like? i couldn't tell you the last time i went outside just because i wanted to just because i felt like it and not because my mom invited me out on the deck (which was like. twice.) or because i had somewhere to be (that was decided on by my mom).

idk i don't want to go outside because i haven't washed my hair since. last fucking year i think? (i've bathed since then but a lot of the time it's hard for me to work up the energy to do my hair) and then i don't bother showering because i never fucking leave the house. it's miserable

and on top of that? i think this is the most physically unfit i've been in my LIFE. like on top of weighing 300 pounds, i had to stay off my foot for like 2 months because i broke it and needed surgery. but i can't blame it all on my injury because the fact of the matter is that i'm a fat lazy pig who doesn't ever get up off his ass and do anything. my sister called me lazy the other day, don't even remember what we were talking about but i asked her why i would or wouldnt do something, i dont remember, and she said "because you're lazy?" and it felt like a shot to the heart.

like yeah i'm fucking fat. i weigh 300 fucking pounds, no shit. but do i like it? hell fucking no i've been trying to lose weight so desperately since february of 2022. and that's not even my first attempt, just my most recent!!! ive been trying to lose weight since MIDDLE SCHOOL.

but i'm fucking depressed as all hell and have adhd and no motivation or energy or any fucking self control so i just eat and eat and eat until i feel sick and then i get on call with my friends (some of the only times i feel actually happy) and my girlfriend talks about how she's so forgetful she forgets to eat and she was even a few pounds underweight at one point. she mentioned she had boney hips today and all i could think was how fucking jealous i was. to be that effortlessly skinny. to have that fucking self control. i wish i wasnt a fucking pig

like i need to stress i was so desperate to lose weight i joined edtwt. didn't work. didn't help at all. just made me feel worse and have worse goals. but in the end i'm enough of a fat fucking pig that even if i had successfully starved myself? id still be obese

my mom had me try a nutritionist once, to see if it would help. it didn't. not one bit. just made me feel more horrible about myself and how little self control i have. she just told me to portion my food better, snack less, eat healthier. you think i haven't fucking tried that? i've tried EVERYTHING. i just have zero fucking self control around food and it makes me sick to think about

i was supposed to have a doctor's appointment in november to see about getting ozempic (or something similar). got pushed back to december when i broke my foot. got cancelled altogether when december rolled around and i was still recovering from foot surgery. we haven't rescheduled.

idk. everything i hate about myself i feel like ties into how i look and how fucking fat i am its honestly disgusting. i hate this stupid fucking fat all over me i seriously just want to kill myself over it

like how can i even look in my friends' faces when i'm heavier than both of them combined? (not a joke. i'm dead serious.) they won't want to be friends with me when they see me, in days-old clothing, greasy hair, smelly in general but especially my breath, dandruff, and how fucking fat i am. they won't want to be seen with me. my girlfriend's never gonna wanna hold me in her arms when i look like this (and even if i lost all the weight, i've still got this ugly fucking personality underneath anyway. so what does it fucking matter.

i don't know. my therapist said i need to be kinder to myself but i really don't have anything good to say. i like my hair color my hair's so greasy right now that's all i can think about when i look at my hair. i have nice eyes. i'm more than terrible at making websites with html/css (not even good. not even fucking okay. i suck at it but i'm better than someone who knows nothing). i suck at being nice to my siblings, i guess, because they're never fucking nice to me. i'm good at giving my mom hugs, i guess, like, wow,that's a good fucking skill to have (sarcasm). i'm not good at any of my hobbies (art of any kind or otherwise). i'm not good at saving money. not good at spending it wisely. not good at cooking (not bad, but not good.) not good at going to bed at a normal time. not good at having a healthy diet. not good at not snacking all day. not good at making myself do things i want to do; i just sit around and watch youtube and chat on discord all day until my friends can call. i'm not good at going outside, but i'm not good at being inside either. "oh, well you don't have to be good at everything, as long as you're having fun, that's what matters!" okay well i'm not good at ANYTHING. and i'm not even having fun

like why is life worth living? i'll never kill myself only because i'm a coward and the permanence of death scares me. though, i'm too much of a coward to cut myself, so that's not surprising. another two things i'm not good at.

what makes life fun? i like reading fanfiction & looking at fanart. that makes me happy, if only for a moment. i like talking to my friends. i like listening to music, i like watching & playing video games. i love reading about foreign languages. but i'm not GOOD at any of those things! not even good compared only to the people in my friend group! not even CLOSE to good!

i seriously couldn't name one thing i'm actually, honestly good at. not one thing. "oh, well you're a jack of all trades!" no i'm fucking not! i don't have skill in ANY of these things i just tried them out. some stuck, some didnt. whatever! whatever.

is that so much to want in life? to want to be good at something? not even the best, not even CLOSE to that, just... good. i want to be loved, i want to be wanted, hell, i want to be liked. but you know what? if i killed myself and never came online again, would my friends miss me? probably. but they'd get over it fast. they'd forget about me. they'd move on. that's how life goes for random nobodies like me, i guess.

idk. i just wish i could be loved by someone. even to be loved by myself would be nice. i wish i could be good at something, what am i good at, fucking grammar? like that's a good skill. and not even one i bother using 99% of the time! i spend my days online, who the fuck cares about capitalizing proper nouns? not me.

i don't know where i was going with this. i think i an just incredibly sad and lonely. isn't that pathetic? what a loser i am

aghhh.....

[littlemiss-eat-a-lot]

What was your worst / most embarrassing experience, what have you experienced since gaining weight / getting fatter?

To look at me you or talk to me you wouldn't know but i struggle (in my head) with pretty bad social anxiety so I dont put myself out there too much , like theres things id wear around the house that i wouldnt wear in public because even if i feel confident in them , i know how others would react and i like to kind of keep myself to myself if that makes sense? so I haven't really had many embarrassing experiences as such and I'm quite open about being fat (although not the feedee lifestyle) so people see me as this outgoing person who makes fun of herself , is open and happy with being really big and doesn't give a shit what people have to say (again I dont seem outwardly anxious) . So people tend not to say anything to me , my mum says I'm beautiful no matter what and she saw me struggle with my weight as a teenager and is just happy that I'm happy in myself.

I did once sit on one of those chairs that hold some air in the seat and it let out a loud noise which was embarrassing in step 1 of a job interview , in step 2 for the same job I broke a chair from sitting on it so yeah I wanted the ground to swallow me whole 😂.

Theres a lot that comes with getting bigger that people don't realise . There's painful joints (mainly my knees are stiff in the morning ) I have to roll over a lot more at night because my legs get sore on the side im lying too. You don't have as much motivation to do things like (at risk of sounding like a terrible mother) I hate swing parks and running around although I do it because I want mt child to be as happy as possible. I get out of breath easier ofcourse.

And something no one thinks about is well its hella expensive to be this fat 🤣🤣 between the foot i eat , the clothes are more expensive right down to the fact I've broken numerous beds!! The bed I have right now has a big ditch in it where I sleep because I've broken the divan base , wooden slats are a no go and neither is a metal frame , i need something reinforced 😅.

Aside from all of that theres the medical aspect , I damaged my gallbladder from doing high calorie weight gain shakes back in 2014ish and had some minor issues with it for years and then it got 10 times worse when I had my child in 2017 . I struggled with excruciating pain after heavy meals and after one really bad attack in December 2018 I ended up in hospital with acute necrotizing pancreatitis- a gallbladder stone was stuck and my pancreatic juices were literally eating me from the inside out , my kidneys started failing and remain damaged to this day along with my pancreas which now only has 50% function , the rest is dead, the pain was the worst thing I've ever experienced and I couldnt walk or breathe without pain for days- it took me 20 minutes to get to the toilet in the hospital room. My surgeon didn't think I'd make it through the night but I fought! I had to eat no fat for 3 months and lost a few stone by the time my operation came round, i had my gallbladder removed last March and been fighting fit every since with no side effects, no more pain and ive found it very easy to gain weight without trying ever since!

I know you probably expected my reply to be 'im so fat I break shit a lot , get stuck in the bath , my belly touches my steering wheel when I drive' etc but yeah this is the reality of being a very fat person . Ofcourse theres lots of good too but you didn't ask for that 🤣🤣💗

[nomand-berserka]

A little openly honest abridged intro in to me and dealing with my head and my black dog.

I am the newly appointed Team Leader for West Yorkshire with the guys at Veterans Hike. @veteranshike

Ive found a love for hiking over the past few months, since this crazy lockdown here in the UK.

I have struggled a lot over the years since leaving the Army, still dont feel like I fit into the bracket called Civvie. I know that may sound a little cliche. But it is exactly what it is.

I joined the forces straight from school. There was nothing for me where I lived, and with a long proud military history in my family, I felt it's what I'd always wanted and knew in my early to mid teens, that I'd join up.

I felt I did pretty well, considering pretty much everyone I knew, thought that I wouldnt even make it past selection. Well I pissed on their parade let me tell ya.

I'm not going to go into the ins and out of my career. But the tours I did, were SFOR (peacekeeping) Bosnia 98 and Op Agricola Kosovo 99.

Now with that, I've seen some pretty fkd up stuff at the ages of 18 and 19.. But you crack on and get the job the done. Get back home and continue as normal.

Now upon leaving the Army, I felt very lost. Ended up going from job to job, due to not being able to fit in with or liking the people I worked with. Often getting pushed out because of having a different mindset... This turned into a serious dislike for people in general. There was no bond, no brotherhood, everyone out for themselves and didnt care who they fkd over to get what they wanted.

This became the time I started with the heavy drinking and the stupid violence, infact the drink and the violence became the reason I lost my family and almost ended up 6 feet under.

The violence continued, as I just hated everyone... for lots of different reasons. This then led to me serving time on a couple of occasions. But it still continued after being locked up... I didnt see it as a problem, as I just thought "I wont take peoples shit", and I'll show anyone who tries to give me shit. That it will lead to getting hurt. Jump forward to being left for dead with 2 stab wounds... Yes it got that bad. Maybe I was asking for my way out?

Jump forward a year or so of living a dark time.

Its then i got into martial arts (Muay Thai under the tutilage of master Ronnie Green 5 time world champion), a friend of mine didnt want to see me locked up again. Or with more perforations than a "Tetley Tea bag". This became my drive again, I'd found something I could focus on and put myself, my whole self into again.

First session in, I was hooked. Had my first full contact fight at just over 6 months and had plenty thereafter, still have the copy of my official invite to the 2013 world championships. This was my crowing glory moment... This is where I'd found the focus to not be that drunked violent ass hat. My fitness went through the roof and I felt good again for the first time in years

Injury got me though, put me right back to not being able to train. Even ended my career, I tried to train again, but way too soon. Causing myself more problems. Taking even longer to get back to 100%

My anger started to creep back, the bad food the drinking... and yes the violence. then jump again forward to going back to prison for a very violent episode in 2015. Where 2 people got badly hurt. I pleaded guilty. I tried to reach out for help before the day in court. But it was too little too late...

However, in prison this time in 2016 I asked for help. Where can i get it, and who can help me the most.. There was a small eager group called Care after Combat, they concentrate on helping Veterans, who are sent to prison. During and after release. (I'll go into them at a later date).

I've kept my nose clean since then, was officially Dignosed with PTSD in 2017, so done a few local therapy courses Anger Management, CBT but still no actual PTSD help as of yet. Combat Stress, I think may have forgotten about me hahaha.

But the thought of prison!!!! id rather not go back ever again. Plus I'm getting on now, and not a 25 year old dick head. Eith a chip on his shoulder about civvies anymore.

Jump forward again, to present Covid 19 times.

I'm a joiner now put myself through College 12 years ago. The outdoors have always agreed with me. But after a work accident last year in August I had 14 weeks sat at home gaining weight. Bordem drinking and eating shit and the head started to go again. But thankfully got back to work early December.

In March 2020 and we get Furloughed. For however long it may take.

So I gave myself THE talking to. Stay off the booze (well not completely hehe). Keep yourself busy. Find a focus in something, anything. Just dont he that dickhead again.

So here I am, I spend at least 3 days a week walking the Pennines and the moors between my beloved Yorkshire and the dark soggy lands of Lancahire. Its literally 20 minutes from my door to where I park the motor. My head still goes south, but more into the low mood and hating myself for allowing what I'd done in the past. I've had depression for years, but it was always over shadowed by my stupidity. So when it does that, i hit my local park and do 10 laps (8 miles) of that. Or just get my pack ready and hit the trails. Often doing around 15-20 miles.

Now I've started with a small Daystack and have started adding weight, carring 15kg. plus 3 litre camelback, food stuff and inclement weather gear. Its north of England the weather does what it wants. "If tha dunt lyk weather, jus bloody wait 20 minutes It'l change". hahaha.

Doing this has given me more drive in my fitness and massively boosted my mental state. Plus the escape from the rat race bollox that we all have to live through. More and more people have started to notice my weight loss. Down from 20 stone to just over 17 stone. Now I'm as round as I am tall, but for a fat lad I've been told I'm pretty fit... Guess all those years in the Army, years of Muay Thai and Kempo Jiu Jitsu. It must have left some form of conditioning and muscle memory. So this again boosts me. I'm now picking up the weights at home and even got a bike... so this new found fitness is a fantastic feeling again... it's not just about keeping busy anymore, it's about showing people. Who I'd alienated during all these years, that I'm not the same guy, and they are wanting to come on hikes with me now

(Its also pushed me to train for the 3 peaks... but that's another story for another time)

It's also the biggest Therapy I can give myself, sometimes I go it alone and sometimes I have company. The outdoors is literally where I feel at my easiest and most peaceful... The benefits are there for everyone who knows me, to see. Its physically demanding, but it's so peaceful. If I bump into other people, there is always a nod a smile and a "morning/afternoon" exchanged. Not all people are nob heads haha!

I cant stress enough how good it feels to keep occupied physically and mentally, buy doing something I never thought I'd do...

It's become my passion... I'm looking into longer routes all the time, and now looking at some proper outdoors gear. Better rucksack even a tent. If being up the hills for a few hours or just a day, makes me feel things are better. Then surely a couple of days and nights will be even better...Right?

I want to thank anyone who takes the time to reads this, however you see it. Be it on insta, Tumbler or FB. So cheers guys and gals.

We all have hardships, we all need that help at some point. Go out and find what makes it all better, please guys. We all deserve to smile for what ever reason.

Who knows, we may even cross trails someday. You'll always get a smile and a nod from me.

Steve

The Nomad Beserka

[iwantedtorecover]

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

I think I do in comparison to most people. My ED strains my relationship with my mom though- I spend the most time with her.

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

I can't remember but I'm convinced it was my dog.

03: Do you regret anything?

The question should be "what don't you regret".

04: Are you insecure?

About everything, all the time.

05: What is your relationship status?

I'm taken.

06: How do you want to die?

Peacefully and skinny😎

07: What did you last eat?

Pork fried rice.

08: Played any sports?

Yes- not well though lol.

09: Do you bite your nails?

All the time- i'm trying to break that habit.

10: When was your last physical fight?

Never- I hate physical violence.

11: Do you like someone?

I like most people- but romantically? only one person.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

No- the idea of that is enough for me.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

No one more than myself.

14: Do you miss someone?

My aunt.

15: Have any pets?

Three wonderful dogs.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

Empty and fat at the same time- It's gross.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Surprisingly- no.

18: Are you scared of spiders?

BEYOND BELIEF AHHHH.

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Absolutely.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

No where- Ive never done it😎

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

To sleep, workout, and do my homework.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

Yes and two.

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

Yes and two (again lol).

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

Science and math.

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

Not as deeply as I did when I first lost them, but yes.

26: What are you craving right now?

škińñį💀

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yes.

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

No.

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

No.

30: What’s irritating you right now?

The fact that i'm fat but i have a concussion and can't work out.

31: Does somebody love you?

Yes.

32: What is your favourite color?

peacock green.

33: Do you have trust issues?

WOW- yes.

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

Can't remember- probably my SO.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My mom.

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

Yes.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

I don't know- forgiving is difficult and I never forget so...

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

probably.

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

15 (i think)

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

no dear god.

51: Favourite food?

Cheesecake.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

To a minimal degree yes.

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

Went on my phone.

54: Is cheating ever okay?

on tests? yes. on people? absolutely not.

55: Are you mean?

It depends.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

zero.

57: Do you believe in true love?

Not really.

58: Favourite weather?

43º F, cloudy, with a light breeze.

59: Do you like the snow?

NO.

60: Do you wanna get married?

yes.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

YES.

62: What makes you happy?

a lot of things.

63: Would you change your name?

No.

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

absolutely not.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Tell them i'm not interested.

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

Yes.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

My Dad.

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

My SO (?)

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

kind of.

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

my dogs. 100%

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: . . . – – – . . . Carly: ? Carly: nodded on your phone Ali: OG 🍑📞 Ali: nah save me Carly: it's pretty lemme just grab a 💄 really quick Carly: what's up baby? Ali: you are and I need distracting Ali: got band practice and I really have to Ali: missed the last two so she's dead moody Carly: go solo ill play a tambourine for you Carly: until you get famous anyway Ali: we'll get you those noise cancelling headphones they give to rockstars kids Ali: then you just gotta close your eyes n shine Carly: aw Carly: you're a 🍑 Carly: but before then I know how to sweeten up rockstars Carly: lots of jd is 🔑 yea so ill swipe ronans & its a party Ali: know that'll go down a treat Ali: almost as good as the ego stroke of calling them rockstars Carly: y you asked me its a not so hidden talent of mine Carly: strokes where needed Ali: 🎨 Ali: alright monet Ali: I'll try not to make it completely boring Carly: i have to take 5 to finish up here or he'll be dead moody Carly: so he's all you have to be more fun than Carly: & whats more boring than a horny lad when ur not feeling it Ali: easy Ali: I remember being that bored Ali: less memory more reliving but shh Ali: all fun and games yeah ✌ Carly: yea Carly: he gets it over quick tho some go & go without getting u anywhere Carly: ha Carly: ive got a home to go to sometimes boy Ali: he's very considerate like that Carly: i wont share it w him too big of a word for rn Carly: wheres this practice @ Ali: 'course not Ali: all he needs to hear is biggest and best Ali: memory serves Ali: in one of the other's garage Ali: so punk rock Ali: I'll come meet you Carly: long as he can call me a slut & I make the right noises it dont matter what I say Carly: thats every lad on here Carly: k well he's done so direct me Carly: u dont wanna meet me outside here Ali: if that's your jam, go off Ali: you mean you don't trust me not to 👊 your mans 😏 Ali: I started walking, call me a pessimist, Ronan 🤷 Carly: yea u kno for a good time call any of these caravans Carly: the old lady w the gnomes is a dark horse like Carly: i don't want u to see me looking this way ty ronan 💘 Carly: so rough about everything Carly: him & u ha Ali: she's living my dream, I remember her Ali: the pink trailer, like Ali: shoulda been going to see her if not you Ali: 🤡 Ali: you alright? Ali: you need a sec or Ali: idk, anything else Carly: her cats are living my dream Carly: lying in the sun all day, getting fat Carly: being loved whenever they ask Carly: i need a drink but im taking all of his its k Ali: duh Ali: only had it slightly better in ancient Egypt, like Ali: forever goals Ali: we'll drink it on the way Ali: need to see where to put their fingers Ali: not code for gay shit but like Ali: also Carly: theres lots they can have some as promised Carly: he owed me for all the 💊 Ali: you're sweet Carly: we can get your gf ☕ to dump it in thats the adult thing to do Carly: trying to make her happy not more mad Ali: she's 17 Ali: she just fronts a good game Ali: suppose one of us should Ali: #badgirlfriend Carly: ur the best wife tho Carly: ive missed u Ali: 😚 Ali: comments like that are why I've deffo missed you more Carly: aw Carly: comments like urs r why ill make today really fun for u Ali: 💚 Ali: we can make anything a party yeah Carly: yea Carly: but u gotta help me carry these drinks to cos i think my wrist was broken from all the coaxing that boy needs when hes been on it Ali: ugh, the struggle is so real Ali: though if you use that as an ice breaker they're all gonna look at you blankly Ali: fucking lesbian priviledge amirite Carly: i bet at least one of them's hurt their wrist trying to get a girl off Carly: half who go to our school r so uptight you need to check for sticks Carly: catholic guilt be like Ali: 😂 real Ali: but you gotta be on my side Ali: already outnumbered Ali: team bi for the day okay Carly: so i can talk about masturbating with my grandma's jesus cross or i cant Ali: you can Ali: that's a story whoevers company Ali: 'cept grandma, obvs Carly: punk rock enough? Carly: if theyre all as scary as ur lesbian im shotgunning more beers Carly: bag of recycling before we even get to the garage Ali: when she cares about the 🌍 Ali: 😍 Ali: they ain't, if we're being real Carly: dont want the earth to die Carly: its so pretty Carly: & fun Carly: k i wont have every can Carly: before we get there Ali: 👼🌟🌈🍓🐰👸 Ali: you Ali: and I'm literally just 'round the corner hold on Ali: not dragging my feet 'cos of you babe Carly: ur too sweet Carly: are you the singer & the guitarist or do they make you just do one cos youre too big of a 🌟 Ali: got it in one babe, I'm relegated to guitar #2 most the time Ali: at least you can own the stage more when you ain't so Carly: ill tell them you need to be 1st guitar & lead singer you're too talented for it to go to waste Carly: its sad Carly: but its cute that youre in a band together Ali: you wanna be backup baby? Carly: yea but i cant 😢😢 Ali: you can when it's just us though Ali: you're too pure for rock n roll anyway Ali: their brand of Carly: how you said that makes me think i need to drink more Ali: it's a good thing about you Ali: just saying though, my voice will be fucked by the end of this Carly: ill get you some ��� baby Carly: you can be 👼 again in no time Carly: church ready Ali: only if you coming with Ali: 😈 Carly: only if we do some more sinning first Carly: make it worth the walk Ali: naturally Ali: how we do Carly: k Carly: are all the band dating each other or just you two Ali: 😏 more and more apparent how straight you ain't tbh Ali: currently off again, I think Ali: they've all dated each other though, every which way you can combo it Carly: i have met a lesbian before ur rescued me @ that party Carly: been hit on by lots Carly: i kno they like to date in circles & all kinds of other shapes Ali: I bet Carly: aw don't be jealous Carly: i didnt like it Carly: ur my fave Ali: I'm not Ali: am glad I ain't giving off those predatory vibes though Ali: good to know, like Carly: you give off the best vibes Ali: 👼 energy, baby Carly: 🌟💙 Ali: let's hit 'em with it Carly: yea Ali: after she can drive us to a decent shindig 🤞 Carly: me & a car full of gays Carly: ronan will be in a mood ha Ali: always a bonus Ali: also always in a mood Ali: they really would get on if she could get over the whole man hate vibe Carly: ill bring him to the next rehearsal Carly: he thinks hes got what it takes Ali: 😏 Ali: I'll put my money on Mar Ali: poor boy Carly: steals my 🎸 every time he comes over Carly: i cant be impressed that you can play 2 chords baby boy I'm sorry Ali: 😩💦 Ali: even as relegated #2 I can do more than that Ali: promise Carly: me too & im only groupie #1 Carly: he still tries to teach me tho Carly: so boring Ali: 🙄 Ali: what a dickhead Ali: he just wants to be behind you to 'position' your hands, boys love that shit don't they Ali: I know how to play pool too so get off Carly: we should play my da taught me Carly: make some money & have some fun Ali: I'm down Carly: k Carly: cos i need to buy more 💊s he really did eat them all Carly: 😢😢 Ali: Babe Ali: I know a reliable lad Ali: invite him Ali: make it a party Carly: yea me & him been up since i saw you last how long ago was that? forever it feels Carly: be more fun away from site Ali: damn Ali: how the other half live Ali: I feel like I haven't had any fun since I last saw you Ali: get enough to take the edge of your comedown if nothing else or that'll be rough Carly: i wanted to invite u my baby but u kno how he gets Carly: hates that weve met Carly: ill make you feel good now promise Carly: hes had too much of my time Ali: worried that Imma tell you horror stories like you don't know him? Ali: backatcha 💚 Ali: swear Carly: yea he thinks my head's empty Carly: just a body like Carly: not that weve done school for years together or anything Carly: i kno i dont always go but boy come on Ali: you're miles ahead of him Ali: he only acts like he reckons that 'cos he don't want you coming to your senses and binning him off proper, like Carly: ur lil bro writes & reads better Carly: but hes a smart lil cutie Carly: what am i gonna do move the caravan in the middle of the night? no wheels is there Carly: stuck as fwb til he gets married his wife finds out & comes for me Ali: yeah he likes you too Ali: always chatting on when you coming 'round again so you know Ali: better hang some more, for his sake Ali: I know you got locks Carly: aw i love him Carly: always wanted a lil bro but my rents dont fuck no more so that ain't happening Carly: unless my dad knocks up someone younger Carly: u kno id lock myself out & end up round there Carly: ha Ali: lil blue pills don't fail us now Ali: ick Ali: should go to casa flamenco Ali: don't think she'd steal your stash Ali: oldies always have their own, the real good shit too Carly: that what ur calling it Carly: ill steal hers Ali: exactly Ali: 😍 #babe Ali: ronan who Carly: i do go older but not sure i could handle peeling back the wrinkles Ali: weak 😉 Carly: you seduce her for me, thats love Carly: & you wanna be under her anyway Ali: 'scuse you Ali: I'm happily married Carly: me too Carly: pimping me out to the older generation wasnt in the vows were it Ali: could've been Ali: you know how creative I am Carly: yea i do love that about you Ali: I 👀 you Ali: [runs up and takes some of the shit] Carly: [unnecessarily long hug moment because always] Ali: ['it does feel like forever'] Carly: [just rambling on about how much she's missed her & like all the compliments for how she looks/what she's wearing etc cos again always] Ali: [lbr she'd go all out for rehersals even so it would be a look, Ali lowkey fixing Carly up whilst checking 'cos was concerned but not gonna make it a Thing tm] Carly: [save her Ali she looks like shit rn & your gf don't need to be seeing her like that] Ali: [finishing by kissing her nose 'cos that is a thing] Carly: [😳 but really happy obvs & another hug cos they really have missed each other so] Ali: [walking and talking baby] Carly: [& letting Ali catch up with all the drinks Carly's had] Ali: [giving her the lowdown on the other bitches who are clearly not as scary as kstew] Carly: [you'd think she's not listening because 1. state of her & 2. how distracting Ali is in her lewk but she is] Ali: [is like soz it's boring but I'll make it fun] Carly: [she's like its not you're just pretty & also I'm saving you & making it fun] Ali: ['not about to beg but please do'] Carly: ['knew I should've locked that down in the vows' cos being flirty with it] Ali: ['too late now babe, 'less you make me wanna renew'] Carly: [is just like yeah okay will do, soz kstew but we know its true so] Ali: [turning up to your function, imagine kstews face oop] Carly: [Carly handing the booze out cos she's a babe while kstew talks shit on her by pulling Ali aside like we said] Carly: u want me to go? Ali: [Ali tryna explain but also being kinda over this mood like why can't she be here, u lowkey know why but you know] Ali: no Ali: don't Ali: I'll sort it Carly: k Carly: [Carly just drinking a little bit too hard cos the vibe is wrong & her anxiety don't need this thank you ladies] Ali: [just walking away and being like okay come on let's start 'cos can't argue if you're playing] Carly: [pissing about on some spare instruments while they're setting up cos awks] Ali: I've text the lad Ali: reckons 10 minutes 👍 Carly: 💙🌟 Carly: ty Ali: [ooh crimson and clover 'cos joan did it and it'd be a sexy moment so blatantly directed at carly] Carly: [Carly literally 😍 harder than her gf is, oops] Carly: [& so many compliments as soon as the song is over before kstew can get a word in, god bless] Ali: [gently/not being a patronizing dick with it showing her dance moves and stuff like getting her involved without being like you have to perform now lol] Carly: [k stew fuming like now the WARM UP is done we should play OUR songs we all know the type like excuse you everyone is having fun especially my sweet baby angel] Ali: [being like oh but I just learnt this song it's got a good bass bit we should do that, overruled lol] Carly: [has to go with it cos no argument she can make that won't sound petty as hell and not trying to look like that bitch in front of the squad] Ali: [doing electric feel for the gay sexiness] Carly: [Carly even more into it cos a song she knows cos lets say she don't know the glory of our cat song just because so its such a moment okay bye] Carly: [Marlene calling a 🚬 break immediately after cos fuming & that can also be when Drew comes] Ali: [as if you weren't fuming enough there's how a man here 😍 at your woman, also giving them droogs] Carly: [meanwhile Carly ain't noticed cos sharing a 🚬 with the prettiest & least intimidating lesbian perched on her lap like so cosy....way to kill Ali babe we know she's special but let her know please] Carly: [hops off to get her drugs but still a moment] Ali: [these other girls just stirring the pot rn lmao] Carly: [that girl being like you should come out with us & Carly's like yeah cos she's pure] Ali: you know this one's flirting with you too, yeah? Ali: 😏 Carly: ha Carly: shes nice Ali: yeah Ali: pretty cute Carly: u kno the dealer wants to fuck you tho yea Carly: hes pretty Ali: obvs Ali: his hairs a bit naff but yeah Carly: ur gf is gonna drag him out by it Carly: let me slip him my number first ty Ali: lol 🙄 Ali: better you have his, no Ali: 💊 Ali: idk why she's the fun police today Carly: k good idea Carly: [goes to get his deets] Carly: she's so mad Carly: u gotta love me more when shes not around Ali: i ain't done nothing Carly: shes jealous of me like i am of her Carly: two girls one 💙 Carly: [lowkey flirting with Drew before he gets thrown out] Ali: hmm Ali: maybe you can duel Ali: [helping herself 'cos they clearly got enough to go around 'cos Drew's easy lol] Carly: 😢😢 Carly: you want me to be killed Ali: don't be silly Ali: not very gentlemanly of her, she'd never Ali: for someone so punk she loves following rules you know Carly: y u like her or y ur bored? Ali: [casually loling at her phone like what you think] Carly: [a moment of eye contact soz kstew] Carly: y dont i kno this lad? Ali: idk Ali: he wasn't always that cocky Ali: maybe his pubes came in Carly: ha Carly: ill find out Carly: gotta b known as the school slag not the girl who pissed herself on the stage Ali: more catchy Ali: I get it Carly: u only remember our wedding day i kno but it tends to stick in everyone else's memories Carly: a day of bad vibes Ali: I remember you but not like that Carly: hope its not worse Carly: how you do Carly: [casually taking too many 💊 to deal with the bender she's been on with the gypsies, you know Drew will remember her like this] Ali: nah Ali: you were cute Ali: and nice when all these random english kids showed up Carly: cos you were cuter Carly: im always nice to the pretty ones Ali: 💘 Ali: s'a good line walsh, you get it off him n all Carly: 💔😢 Carly: i love you i dont need him feeding me those kind of lines Carly: we gotta crush some of these tho its gonna take forever to kick in Ali: only joking baby don't be sad Ali: [comes over and helps 'cos why not kstew already furious her band practice has descended into anarchy] Carly: [using a shoe she's wearing for once to crush pills casually but stops to put her head on Ali's shoulder cos is sad lowkey] Ali: [gives her top of the head kisses] Carly: [is smiling again & telling her how much she missed her again and all that good gay content while Marlene fumes in the distance] Ali: [whispers like sorry for the bad vibes and I am gonna fix this 'cos she knows it's been fucked but realistically don't know what she's doing about it yet 'cos where do we stand] Carly: [kisses her on the forehead cos that big brain always thinking & worrying & she know] Carly: u wanna 👃 or 👅? Ali: 👃 Carly: yea dont want a numb mouth Carly: no fun Ali: probably would help my throat but kinda 'bout that smokes and drinks a 40 a day vibe so Ali: soz to my nasal cavity in advance Carly: the 🍯 is coming as promised Carly: [puts enough powder in her hand for Ali to snort, how intimate excuse them like she could have used her own hand or any surface Carly but go off] Ali: you're sweet enough darling Ali: [soz kstew just gals being pals 'cos obvs returning the favour and 'holding her hair out the way' aka stroking it] Carly: [when you more about that intimacy than the drug you're trying to take] Carly: aw Ali: [moment being ruined by some kind of unignorable strop moment from marlene clearly so she has to go and have an argument brb] Carly: should i go now? Ali: wait for me Ali: please? Ali: outside if you like or whatever, I'm being selfish but Ali: I ain't staying either Carly: k Carly: [is outside quietly singing a little mash up of both gay covers while she waits, just little bits of lyrics she likes from each lol] Ali: [not tryna drag this out and clearly we can't let it get to let's break up point so] Carly: lets go have some real fun Ali: [when she comes out, resting her arms on her shoulders and spinning her 'round and 'round like let's go] Carly: [is loving life again bye bitches] Ali: ['we can do anything we wanna' means now but also like always] Carly: [is buzzing because her life is literally so stagnant already like what a welcome premise & hugs her cos that's what she wants to do, always gotta be touching] Ali: [and hand holding] Carly: [complimenting her AGAIN as they going along cos she's a really good singer tbf so] Ali: [chatting away 'bout the kinda music she wanna do and what the band is about and starting her own etc but also about how pretty Carly's voice is and how it's too precious for the stage anyway] Carly: [okay but after they've nerded out over music Carly be like 'wait for me' runs into a shop really quick & buys Ali some honey for real cos she that nerd & presents it to her really happily wrapped in her headscarf or something cos again nerd] Ali: [you know how buzzing and touched she'd be 'cos also that nerd, being like you're such an angel and imma get you something so special etc] Carly: [Carly like you gotta eat it tho & opens it right there like she gonna drip it into Ali's mouth if she don't how gaaaaaay, steals some with her finger too obvs cos cute but also accidentally sexy all the time] Ali: [winnie screeching in the distance] Carly: [gets a phone call from her mum & answers in this state cos no fucks given on either side & then turns to Ali like my turn to take you to a family bbq cos I think the contrast would be hilarious so we should but not now cos give them some alone time @ god] Ali: [is down 'cos she's not a snob unlike someone we know rosalin and she'd be lowkey about it 'cos any excuse to spend time] Carly: [ronan will 100% be there cos hilarious like you gotta fight him Ali tbh] Carly: [just rambling about how much she loves Ali rn though cos always] Carly: 💙🌟🐝👼🚀 Ali: [backatcha and dropping the charity shop plan] Carly: [is so down obvs like little kid levels of excited] Ali: [running thru the streets of dublin like babes] Carly: [god fucking bless] Ali: [charity shop crawl so wild like leave 'em be world] Carly: [like how pure that they think of cat lady Ro & kstew would never bitch] Ali: [probably making friends with all the nice old ladies in there/horrifying the old bitches tho too lol] Carly: [this is why Carly makes my heart hurt cos she'd wanna be friends but would probably horrify lol] Ali: [tbf they are high] Carly: [as per again let them live peeps its summer] Ali: [should steal something but like something really tiny and silly 'cos sinning and stealing from a charity shop is pretty bad in a cute way somehow lol] Carly: [but leaving shoes behind or something cos barefoot life so the universe is balanced] Ali: [and ali would buy stuff for 'em both but making sure carly knows this ain't THE gift 'cos wants to swag that lol] Carly: [okay but can they also come back to buy homewares for the caravan when she gets her own thanks bye] Ali: [absolutely, just window shopping rn how you do like 'when I have my own place' but saying we 'cos #married] Carly: [Ali can actually get one of the actual things when cos its still there, oh my heart]