#ive been hungry for 5 hours i just dont care enough to go get food bc like. that would take away some of my brain power from like

[galindatopland]

i swear to god maslow's hierarchy of needs does Not apply to me when i'm sick with a hyperfixation. like memes aside i actually need to think of this fictional bitch more than i need food or sleep. basic need is Talking About The Fictional Bitch actually

[yeoldontknow]

15 questions tag game

tagged by @chillingtae to do this fun game. thank you so much bright angel!! <3 i dont think ive ever seen questions like these around here so this is fun <3 

placing this under a cut because it is long !

1. It’s your birthday! What did you ask for and did you receive it?

uhm...im an old bean, and ive found that over time ive stopped asking for things necessarily and request more experiences. time spent with people matters more to me than items - i can pretty much buy things on my own if i want them. if im asking for anything id ask for money to put towards bills or savings or trips. this year i asked my parents for some money to convert to yen before i went to japan, which they gave me. of my friends, i asked if we could go for dinner and drinks which was a lovely evening <3 

2. What was the last song or album you listened to?

song = Kvrt in Space by Fraunhofer Diffraction

album = 1 Billion Views by EXO-SC

3. What is your go to snack when you’re hungry or bored?

depends on my energy level. usually chips and veggies with hummus because i dont have to make anything. my ultimate snack is popcorn so i have to be careful about how often i have it because i could eat an entire trucks worth and not feel the least bit guilty.

4. What is your morning routine?

check emails. text parents. catch up on group chats. roll out of bed and wash up. feed the cat. start the day!

5. What mythical/cryptic creature would you be?

god probably some bog witch or oracle on a mountain

6. How do you interact with someone that you don’t like?

i dont. if they are interacting with me i will be polite but the conversation will be curt and brief. 

7. How do you define a toxic person?

=> habits of  dishonesty, manipulation, gaslighting, deflection of blame for wrong doings  => reacting to criticism or conflict rather than responding => engaging or meddling or perpetuating drama simply for the attention, thrill/endorphins of it => someone who drains your energy in their company rather than heals it => inability to admit they were wrong or let situations go

8. Have you ever been to a concert or fan meet type of event? If not, would you want to?

ive been to a significant amount of concerts in my life. i love love love concert going and, before quarantine, i would list this activity as one of my favorite hobbies. while not a fan meet event, ive wound up meeting and becoming acquainted with a number of musicians - either by running into them on the street, working with them in some capacity, waiting in the queue before doors, waiting after a show, etc. i once was able to attend an after party of a show with @queenoftheimpala because i knew what a tubulum was after a band member jokingly posted about it on twitter and we started talking. one of my all time favourite bands provides ticket packages which are both a ticket to the show and an earlier event in which there are panels with therapists discussing the importance of mental health etc etc. 

regarding kpop, i have not attended a fanmeet and tbh i dont think i would. the set up feels unnatural, and it is not that i want to spend hours talking with an artist but it feels very rushed and not entirely personal enough for me to express what id truly want to say. this is just my opinion. i know many fans have attended these events and have had a wonderful time. i just dont think this would suit my energy as im quite introverted and feeling rushed would make me anxious.

9. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

oh for sure i do. when you research charts, planets, alignments, etc etc it can be quite revealing when it comes to personality traits, needs, expectations. while i dont believe it accounts for every single thing about a person (upbringing and societal/cultural influence matter too) it can account for the fundamentals. astrology, tarot, and light work have seen me through some extremely difficult situations in my life and reading tarot/charts has helped me understand why i feel what i feel on certain days.

10. If you had only one sense (hearing, touch, sight, etc.), what would you want?

i rely so heavily on all my senses that i just...dont even know how to pick this. i think id go with touch. taste is a sense omg you mean i cant taste food anymore? oh god. ok uh yeah im still gonna go with touch. touch helps you feel the connection with other people - hugs, hand holding. sounds have waves which you can feel on the body. the earth has texture. touch is how the body relates spatially to other and to itself so yeah i would go with touch.

11. Who is your favourite celebrity or idol?

non kpop = prince, david bowie, chris corner, maynard james keenan....mostly its women. rihanna or sabrina claudio or rosalia. women in the root of their power and sensuality. they are unforgiving in their bodied expressions and i respect them so much. they are unforgiving in their femininity. 

kpop = chanyeol lmao like....unfailingly so

12. If you could talk to your favourite celebrity(s) for a limited time, what would you tell them?

for the non kpop celebrities = im usually just really supportive of women in the entertainment/arts industries so id love to just hear their stories. in this instance i dont think me saying anything is beneficial, more that its important we listen to their journies and their path to success. they have a lot to teach us. chris corner ive met several times and have had many amazing conversations with so in this instance, id just ask if hes doing well, how california is, how his dogs are, give him the update on my tattoo plans etc. for maynard...idk just cry because hes the celebrity ive loved since i was like 4 years old.

kpop = if i had the chance to talk to chanyeol i think like...id just like to talk about his music, thank him for having women as his video editors/videographers, ask his genre tastes, talk about the sheer amount of retro/nostalgia modes on the recent sc album. maybe talk about astronomy. thank him for his power and remind him to eat and that he doesnt need to master everything. achieving perfection is a pursuit of pain, all he has to achieve is happiness within himself. again, remind him to eat.

13. I’m taking you out on a date and it’s your choice. Where are we going?

oooo lets go to an arcade and for dinner. theres some really great barcades in lower manhattan and on LES we can get some amazing dumplings for really cheap and just have a night of talking, playing games, drinking. then maybe walk along the river before we catch the trains home

14. Do you like sweet or savory foods?

my sweet tooth has a limit so while i do like sweet im more into savory

15. Do you have any band merchandise or merchandise from any of your favourite artists? If so, what?

i have a lot of band tees, signed posters, albums of theirs theyve signed for me. i have some drum sticks given to me by a few bands, signed set lists. one band gave me a turntable slip cover. i have a few first press or numbered records that ive framed. i have some lightsticks from when i attended some kpop shows. ive got lots of stuff!

tagging: @yehet-me-up @queenoftheimpala @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @yoonia @jamaisjoons @ditzymax @jiminiethot @blackberrykai @hkynm @ninibears-erigom @readyplayerhobi @imdifferentshadesofpurple @red-exo and anyone else who wants to do this. as always please only do so if youre comfortable <3 

[ginawesome-blog]

Here is a summary of my weightloss story🧡

I will make another post about how I eat soon🌻

My weight has been an issue for me my entire life. Growing up ive always been the funny fat one who hated physical aticity more than anything. In fact, I could cry my self to sleep if I knew we were going to have gym the next day. I got physically sick if we had mandatory activities.

When I was 15 I found out I have PCOS (cysts on the ovaries, which fucks up your hormones and makes it easy to gain weight and a lot of other stuff) and a nutritionist was going to help me lose weight for the first time. I was 84 kg and ready for change. She gave me a strict diet, telling me what to eat every single day down to the gram. It was horrible and super effektive. I lost 20kg in 5 months, without working out. But I didnt learn anything about how to eat like a normal person and it only worked like a temporary cure. I moved out from home, started "cooking" my own food, started drinking, and so over time I gained 30kg🎉

So there I was. 96kg at162cm. Miserable and unhealthy.

Summer of 2012 I had a power moment. I decided that enough was enough and I joined a gym and threw out all the unhealthy food in my apartment. At the gym I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on random machines. I was doing research on how I should eat, tried many different diets and it was effektive. One day  my dear friend Mari showed me how to deadlift, squat and benchpress. And we noticed I was getting strong faster than my friends, and after some time discovered powerlifting excisted. What an amazing sport! Being active, lifting heavy shit, pushing your self and just feeling so strong and confident!

In 2015, after some yoyo weightloss, I contacted @coachsvein aka @styrkebror. Very smart💥 at this point I weighed arround 80kg.

He helped me learn about calories and food og made a workout program for me.  (this is also when I learnt that you dont have to do cardio to lose weight😍)

Summer of 2016 I qualified for nationals. I weighed 70kg. And started thinking about trying to reach the 63kg class and go for the current squat record of 17,5kg. The dream started.

But somewhere a long the road I lost my self. My mind was messed up. Everything was about numbers. My bodyweight, calories, waistline and what I was lifting. I became obsessed and I let these numbers define me as a person.  I was miserable on the inside.

To paint a picture of how bad it was, when I went on vacation to Albania, I got up at 7am every day to go for a fucking run. Even tho ai hated every step. I felt guilty for everything I ate, lifted weights daily and it was just horrible. This is not how a vacation should feel.

I will never forget the feeling when I got home and weighed my self and realised I would not make it to 63kg in time for nationals. I cried for hours and barely got out of bed. I felt like a complete failure.

I took some time off work and tried to pick my self up again.

When i competed in nationals in october 2016 i came in 4th in - 72kg and I was very happy with this. But the dream off 63kg class was still there.

February 2017 at regionals I was 69kg, and not mentally healthy at all. I meal prepped, counted calories, declined social events and would punish my self I thought I ate too much.

March 2017 I found out I was accepted to volunteer in Zambia for a year, where I knew I would have to let go of control. So I started there and then. It felt like a huge weight off my shoulders that I wouldnt have to complete or think about weight.

August 2017 I left for Zambia. 75kg.

Zambia was like a reboot. No one cared about any of my numbers. Gaining weight and being called fat was a good thing. I had to eat what I was given by my host family. I partied a lot. I worked out 4 times a week. I gained another 10kg

So summer of 2018 I came home. I had managed to keep a lot of my strength and I weighed 85kg. I knew I wanted to lose weight again. But this time I was going to do it in a healthy way that would last.

The fact is Ive lost 22 kg since july18, at the same time Ive been keeping my strength and getting stronger in all lifts. Ive eaten candy, chocolate, ice cream or pizza every time I really felt like it. Ive have had one to many beers when I wanted.

and to be honest it hasnt been really hard

Ive focused on the long term weightloss and everyday healthy habits. No calories or cm counted. Tho I have to mention that Im happy I learned how to count it, cause it taught me a lot about what I eat and helped me understand it better. But I never want to do it again.

So what did I do?

🌻Choosing to get enough sleep, aka keep a bedtime, no matter how good that serie on Netflix is

🌻 Walk a lot through out the day, normally arround 15000 steps

🌻Eat a lot of vegetables and fruit, which keeps me full and happy

🌻I eat when I can feel that Im hungry, not when I planned to

🌻 When I choose to eat high calorie food, I make some changes the other part of the day so I dont get way too many calorie. Also I try to never feel guilty. Regret is a choice. I wanted it. I ate it. Its done. Now keep going and make the next choices according to your goal.

🌻I have weighed my self every day, which I think has been so frikkin smart. It has made me more relaxed when the numbers shift, it has showed me the progress over long time, and it has showed me that Im in control, without be coming obsessed.

Now I am stronger than ever. Both physically and mentally.

Like I said, my weight has been an issue for me for my entire life and Im pretty sure it always will be at some level. But it doesnt control me, my decisions, my mood or my life. Yes, there are hard days or moments where my mindset is challenged, but they pass. Cause I work on it.

Im sharing this cause people have told me my honesty has helped in the past. Maybe it can help someone again.

And if you thought this was the longest story of your life, just imagine what @coachsvein has been through for the last 4,5 years. I think ive told him every detail about every feeling regarding these things. He has helped me so much and given so much of his time to me. Free of charge. And I would truly NEVER ever be where I am today if it wasnt for him. Thank you for never quitting on me❤️

Thanks for reading❤️

[barelylivinblog]

We Went to Canada to See A Lot of Water

After driving through what seemed an endless route to the north pole, my boyfriend and I were crossing Lake Erie and heading across the border into Canada towards Niagara Falls. 

Traveling there wasn’t as bad as I’m letting it off to be, but being in a car for six hours definitely put a toll on my childlike soul. I spent almost an hour of the ride harassing my boyfriend by wearing his sunglasses and being ridiculous, which I now realize was a lot funnier in person than written out. 

If there’s anything I can tell you about taking a road trip, it’s very simple: Pack Snacks. 

Had my boyfriend’s mother not supplied us with a sandwich bag crammed with two breakfast bars, a nutty butty, and two bags of popcorn, I would have perished. We made the mistake not to stop when we saw food, and when I say food, I mean the shady gas stations along side the highway to nowhere. This was the best option because after so far along when we were actually hungry there was NO WHERE to eat until we got into Buffalo. At that point it made no sense to travel into buffalo when we could just wait until we got into Canada. 

Starving, we hurried along to our hotel and then quickly settled to eat at the Apple Bee’s right down the street from our hotel. Had we not been so hungry, I’m sure we wouldn’t have settled for the most American option. However, as my boyfriend said, it was easier knowing we were going to a place where we knew we would enjoy the food.

BUT.

To my horror upon looking at the menu: Canada’s Apple Bee’s DOES NOT SERVE BONELESS WINGS. I am an expert when it comes to American Apple Bee’s because if there was one close to my house I would eat there every day. The menu at the Canadian one was, to my surprise, much smaller. They didn’t even offer two for $25. 

Another thing I picked up on quickly was how expensive everything was. Even with the conversion I ended up spending double my anticipated amount just from eating and sightseeing. The only free part of the trip was seeing the Falls themselves. My boyfriend even had to pay to park his car for the weekend. 

Anyways, after paying what seemed like a million dollars for a meal at the facade that they called Apple Bee’s, we headed down to the Falls for the first time in the dark. In order to get there you had to walk down this steep hill (which continuously killed me when we hiked back up it) and walk under this bridge that still had been decorated for Christmas. The whole city was still decorated for Christmas which was nice considering our trip was a “Christmas” trip. 

Once you got so far down the hill there was a picture view of what I believed to be the only Falls. You see, there are two waterfalls in this area: The American side and the Canadian side. In my head the two falls were facing their claimed countries, but it turns out they were both facing the Canadian side. 

So I was staring at the American side, lit up by colorful lights, and thinking that this was the big sight to see. To be honest, I hadn’t even realized what I was looking at until my boyfriend said that the Falls were straight ahead. They, especially in the night, looked like projections of water. It was unreal. 

And then I saw the Canadian side, or the Horseshoe Falls. Which, again, looked like a large projections. My eyes could almost not adjust to what I was seeing because it was so unbelievable. 

After the magic of the falls and being showered in positive ions, my boyfriend and I headed back to our hotel. Below is a list of things we discovered about our hotel:

1. You cannot use bath bombs in the hotel tub or else they will charge you $350.00

2. Channel 4 is the fireplace channel

3. The vending machines only take dollar coins, HOWEVER, the dollar coins they have set out for you are a three dollar charge. 

4. The pillows were garbage. 

5. Hotel IHop was delicious but I paid 13.00 dollars for a meal I get at Denny’s for 4 dollars. 

6. The curtains that would make sense to be able to move DO NOT move.

7. The elevator will smell like weed.

8. The hotel gift shops snacks are very pricey. We lucked out after I spotted a general store directly across from our hotel and got snacks for a little bit cheaper. It was a good business, still selling stuff obnoxiously priced but not as pricey as the hotel. 

Our second day we went behind the waterfalls, and climbed over to Clifton Hill in search for something to do. We ended up at a glow in the dark indoor mini-golf course. It was a good way to waste some time and I think was worth the admission price. I was worried it was going to be crowded but everyone was good about waiting their turn which made it a cool experience.

That night, however, my boyfriend took me to the casino.The casino was really dazzling to the eye, but once you looked past the fancy decor and colorful flooring, it was scary how hypnotized some people were. I watched people who looked like their lives had been sucked out of them from hitting a button and betting away a lot more money than one should to a computerized slot machine. I had never been to a casino because in America I’m not old enough, but here all I had to do was show two forms of I.D. and I was stamped and sent on my way.

I ended up not gambling because it was a weird concept to me, but my boyfriend did. He was laughing and carrying on and all the older people were giving us dirty looks. It was fun to watch him, but now I fear he’s hooked (not really, I just like to give him a hard time).

The best part of the casino was the buffet. It was beautiful inside, the food was all very good, and it was one of the cheaper meals we had. We ended up eating there twice because of this, so I strongly recommend that if you are in a touristy area where food is expensive, look for that casino buffet. 

On Sunday, we explored a wax museum. It was the worst idea I’ve ever had. Like, I’m ashamed to admit that I was the one that suggested it. The museum was about the size of a house, but laid out in a way that made it seem larger. In order to appear this way, each room was sectioned off by doors rather than archways. At one point I felt overwhelmingly claustrophobic because we were in a small room with about five different figures. The figures themselves looked to be completely real or like creepy dolls -- there was no in-between. I thought this uneasy feeling of being scared that one of them was going to come to life was just me and my overactive imagination, but once leaving I found out that my boyfriend was also pretty spooked about the whole experience.

So to calm down we went and sampled beers. The servers never carded us or looked at us strangely, which made me uneasy as well but also reassured that I wasn’t being illegal. My boyfriend and I argued for which beer was best, but to be honest I don’t really care for beer at all. 

Speaking of servers and overall employees, they will never be paid enough to deal with rude tourists. I watched numerous encounters where tourists were being unreasonably rude to staff members and if there’s any advice I can give you about traveling: be nice to the workers and they will usually give you a nice experience. It’s the famous “treat others the way you would like to be treated.”

When Monday morning came, we headed back to the States and I took a well needed nap while my boyfriend played Smash Brothers to make up for his lost gaming time.

Overall, Niagara Falls was beautiful. I assumed that because of winter there wouldn’t be as many people, but it was pretty crowded over the weekend. However, we never ate a bad meal or experienced anything negative (other than the spooky wax museum but we have erased that from our memory). My only regret is that we didn’t explore as much as we should have. It was very easy to do things that we were familiar with instead of taking risks. My prime example of this was the Apple Bee’s, and although the buffet was amazing, next time I would enjoy to explore what Canada’s menu has to offer, food and experience wise. The most exploring we did was nearby, and we typically stayed close to what was familiar to us. The farthest we went was to a Hershey Chocolate World only to discover that it didn’t have the Hershey Factory Tour ride that our beloved Hershey Park has. In the long run however, we did a substantial amount of walking around and had a very relaxing trip.

To summarize: pack snacks, have a lot of spending money, and enjoy the view because it was the best part. 

[glitch-slime]

#1-49

ok i answered all of them below the cut

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

probably @vinorusso

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

im shy if i dont know you but once im comfortable around you good luck getting me to shut up

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

*whispers* @jj-pepsi

4. Are you easy to get along with?

yeah! i tend to get along with most folks as long as you dont insult me and arent an asshole!

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

gosh i hope so! i’d be a giggling mess someone would need to help me!

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

answered!

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

im in one right now~

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

joseph joestar

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

depends. as long as its with someone i know well then i’m okay.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

@namethatghostling @vinorusso and @icetown666

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“AAAA”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Daft Pretty Boys – Bad Suns

Passenger Side – Smallpools

I Don’t Want it at All – Kim Petras

Beware the Dog – The Griswolds

All Men Are Pigs – Studio Killers

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Y E S

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

answered!

15. What good thing happened this summer?

well the summer is just beginning but last summer i got to go to pride and have a great time with my friends

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

no.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

answered!

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

oh heck no.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

yup!!

20. Do you like your neighbors?

no.

21. What are you bad habits?

i pick at my nails a lot, and i also sleep way too late.

22. Where would you like to travel?

i’d love to go to japan or ireland

23. Do you have trust issues?

nah, im pretty trusting until someone betrays me.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleeping

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

most of it, but mostly my tummy

26. What do you do when you wake up?

lay in bed for an hour

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

im fine with the skin im in,

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my close friends!

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

no. i dont talk to my exes.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

not thinking about it atm.

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yes!

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

*raises eyebrows* chris pratt and chris hemsworth.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

sziob bnz n

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

me? running? playing sports? i dont think so.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv, i would miss food network though.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yup, all the time.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

nothing.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

they’re sweet and kind, and incredibly understanding and compassionate, they’d be the first one i think of when i wake up, and the last before i go to bed. theyre always there to listen and ready to comfort me anytime 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

stuff with comics and games!

40. What do you want to do after high school?

well im in college…so….? 

i dunno, i kinda want to be a flight attendent

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

answered!

43. Do you smile at strangers?

sometimes!

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

SPACE SPACE SPACE

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

needing to use the bathroom does the trick.

46. What are you paranoid about?

dying alone, probably.

47. Have you ever been high?

nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yup, it was wild.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

who hasnt?

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

sometimes.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i wish i didnt weigh so much.

53. Favorite makeup brand?

NYX

54. Favorite store?

it used to be gamestop, but now i work there so nah.

55. Favorite blog?

dailyjo2eph 

56. Favourite colour?

yellow, but i also like purple!

57. Favourite food?

answered!

58. Last thing you ate?

chicken wings

59. First thing you ate this morning?

uhh, nothing?

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

i dont remember winning anything tbh

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nope, im a good egg.

62. Been arrested? For what?

no! im a good noodle!

63. Ever been in love?

yes ;p

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

my first kiss was awful. the guy kissed me in front of my mom while she was looking wtf.

65. Are you hungry right now?

im always hungry.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

my tumblr friends are my real friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

still twitter.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

yup! food network!

70. Names of your bestfriends?

im not giving out peoples names.

71. Craving something? What?

chocolate pudding pie…

72. What colour are your towels?

various colors, but mostly purple

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

6

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yes

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

way over 100

75. Favourite animal?

i really like whales

76. What colour is your underwear?

black.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

purple cow (its black raspberry with chocolate chips)

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

white

80. What colour pants?

n/a

81. Favourite tv show?

cutthroat kitchen

82. Favourite movie?

Josie and the Pussycats

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

uhh ive only seen the first one once

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

uhhh? 

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

flo

87. First person you talked to today?

my mom

88. Last person you talked to today?

@jj-pepsi

89. Name a person you hate?

drumpf

90. Name a person you love?

@jj-pepsi @vinorusso @namethatghostling @icetown666 and @kohomint

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

drumpf

92. In a fight with someone?

nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

like 5 pairs

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

too many

95. Last movie you watched?

Life of the Party

96. Favourite actress?

melissa mccarthy

97. Favourite actor?

chris pratt

98. Do you tan a lot?

no

99. Have any pets?

i have 3 cats

100. How are you feeling?

pretty good

101. Do you type fast?

maybe?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

i regret a lot of things.

103. Can you spell well?

not really

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

nah.

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yes.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

nope

108. What should you be doing?

sleeping

109. Is something irritating you right now?

yup.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yeah

111. Do you have trust issues?

no, im pretty trusting.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

i cry a lot, so i dont remember.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

never had one

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yeah, all the time.

115. Do you play the Wii?

yup, and switch, wii u, and ps4

116. Are you listening to music right now?

yeah 

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes!

118. Do you like Chinese food?

love it.

119. Favourite book?

i like Percy Jackson and the Olympians series

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

nah

121. Are you mean?

i hope not!!

122. Is cheating ever okay?

no.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

nope.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

yeah

125. Do you believe in true love?

heck yeah

126. Are you currently bored?

maybe a little?

127. What makes you happy?

talking with my friends

128. Would you change your name?

nah, ive gotten used to it

129. What your zodiac sign?

answered

130. Do you like subway?

yeah, subway is fine.

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

?? date them maybe?? idk??

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

@vinorusso​ @namethatghostling​ @icetown666​

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Hold me close and hold me fastThe magic spell you castThis is La Vie En RoseWhen you kiss me heaven sighsAnd though I close my eyesI see La Vie En RoseWhen you press me to your heartI’m in a world apartA world where roses bloomAnd when you speak…angels sing from aboveEveryday words seem…to turn into love songsGive your heart and soul to meAnd life will always beLa Vie En Rose

134. Can you count to one million?

i mean theoretically, yes. in reality? im not doing that shit.

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

cant really think of anything.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

either way! some nights i forget to close it, but it also doesnt stay closed

137. How tall are you?

5 feet 6 inches!

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have straight hair!

139. Brunette or Blonde?

im a brunette!

140. Summer or Winter?

summer, i hate shoveling snow

141. Night or Day?

answered!

142. Favourite month?

October!

143. Are you a vegetarian?

nah, meat all the way dude.

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

coffee

146. Was today a good day?

debatable.

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars?? im not a fan of snickers. milky way is my favorite candy bar

148. What’s your favourite quote?

For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream. - Vincent Van Gogh

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

answered!

[rosekun25]

Fourteen Reasons why.

 April 9th, 2017

Dear Tumblr Diary, 

I’m watching “Thirteen Reasons Why.” 

I haven’t read the books since middle school. But my cousin from my Dad’s side of the family sent me the book I think a year ago.  Life always has a way of foreshadowing. I swear it does.

Anyway I’m reading the book too, putting off getting my food handler’s card because fuck that shit. 

Anyway Im watching this and its kind of triggering. I havent watched the part where she kills herself but I imagine I’ve seen worse. 

There’s a video I’ve seen Here’s a link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_PdYb0EL-Y

Anyway so far that part has hit me the most. 

I mean, It has. After I got out of the hospital nobody asked me if I was okay. I had to lie. I lied about everything so I wouldnt get sent away longer than they needed me to be away. 

I lied and said It was because I missed my great grandma instead of telling them it was because my world had shattered and nobody could hurt me anymore. 

I lied about the pills. I took 96. Well thats now many were in the bottle. I told them I didnt know how many I’d taken. I just lied lied lied lied lied. I didnt tell anybody why I did it. 

aTLEAST Until they couldnt send me away anymore. 

So here are fourteen reasons why I wanted to kill myself 

14. I felt like I’d do it sooner or later. 

I mean it was really weird. I’ve had depression for most of my earlier childhood. I remember not thinking I’d make it to 20. But here I am. I remember wanting to get married and have children but I didn’t actually think I would live long enough to actually do it. I mean I didn’t think I’d finish High School. 

13. I wasn’t beautiful. 

At least I didn’t think I was. I thought pretty girls were 100 pounds, blonde and didn’t have to worry about anything except which husband they wanted.  I guess I was sort of insecure. But not in the sense that I thought I was ugly. Just in the sense that I wasnt  beautiful. 

12. I was starving myself.

Well I don’t really remember this part. I just remember I was really really hungry. The doctors there said I hadn’t eaten for a month. But Im not sure that’s accurate. I mean I must have eaten at some point. I remember I drank tea.  But anyway. I guess i was displaying “Anorexic tenancies” or whatever I was half asleep I didn’t listen.

11. I wanted to die. (duh)

But it wasn’t in the sense of me actually wanting to die.  I mean when you’re young you learn about the circle of life, you watch ‘Lion King.’ Mufasa dies and you learn you wont be around for ever. I guess I just ’ wanted to hurry up and do what I was supposed to. 

10. At the time, my life sucked dick. 

I remember it. I was horribly depressed and doing my best to hide it. I remember I wanted nothing more than to just be held like a baby and told everything was going to be alright. But it wasn’t. There was a point in my life where I kept everything to myself. Everything. Even stupid shit like “Where do you want to eat?” or “Are you hungry?”. I just felt like I had to. Keep everyone safe, dont let anybody know you’re suffering sort of thing. 

Anyway my life sucked dick, because I was always hungry never sleeping and I was overworked. I also was verbally abused at my job. To the point where I would want to cry whenever I walked in the store. But more on that some other time. 

I also hated T or  C. If Im going back there. Im going back in a body bag. 

My Home life also sucked dick. I remember not having hotwater in the bathroom. I remember being cold every night because they refused to pay more money to turn up the thermostat. If I wasnt cold. I was so Hot. There were ants everywhere. On my clothes. In the kitchen. EVERYWHERE. I wasnt allowed to leave my house either. I couldnt just get up and go I wasnt allowed to leave except for school and work. I couldnt leave and it drove me fucking mad.  I didnt have much food to eat, If there was food it was all gobbled up by my fat ass Grandfather who liked to steal my things. I still dont know what he did with most of it. The dryer didnt work either so I’d have to go to school in wet clothes that were freezing. I hated it. Oh and not to mention every morning I’d wake up to screaming. Always screaming. Nobody could ever say “Good Morning Rose, you’ve to wake up now.” No. They were too busy screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming, 

9. I was so tired of everything. 

I was. Really. I still kind of am. Im tired of having to work all the time and having no money. I was tired of waking up every day and going to a school. I feel like I would have liked school better if I didnt have to wake up early and put up with all of that bullshit. 

The bullshit I am tired of here has literally went from 95% to maybe about 15%  Professors are honest with me, My coworkers all do their jobs and I dont get in trouble if they don’t. Really Imagine, getting in trouble because one of your coworkers didnt do their job right. 

The only bullshit I have to deal with is making sure I have enough hours. Which if you ask me isnt a biggie, also I make enough to take care of myself. Which is a lot better than where I was before. 

8. I was going insane. 

Now I know what you’re thinking “Omg, yeah sure whatever Rose. Everybody on Facebook likes to pretend they’re crazy for attention, Change your picture to Joker and Harley just to add edginess. 

But no. It was stuff I dont want to dicuss with you. I had horrible dreams and I wanted to do some horrible things. In a way, I honestly thought if I killed myself I would save everyone.  I still dont remember what I wanted to save them from. 

7. I didnt have any friends. 

Now again I know what you’re thinking, “This bitch is tripping. She won Homecoming Duchess and Princess at the last dance!” (  Side Note: I also went on to win Prom Queen. But Everybody voted for me because I wasn’t allowed to run for homecoming queen because I tried to kill myself in the Bathroom.) 

I didnt have a Best friend. I didnt have somebody who hung out with me or came to my house specifically to play with me. I worked too much or somebody who ate lunch with me because they wanted to and not because I’d integrated into their little group because one of the members felt sorry for me and wanted to be my friend again. 

I knew a lot of people. But I was fiery, Passionate and emotional. People were afraid of that. Either that, or they didnt care enough to try and understand it. 

6. I was suffering from an unDiagnosed Mental illness 

It was Borderline Personality Disorder.  It was making me crazy. 

I still dont understand what it means. 

I know it means. 

But I dont understand it. 

5. I missed my Daddy. 

There. I said it. I FUCKING SAID IT. 

In my family, I was supposed to pretend he didnt exist. We all were. We didnt have Dads. We were just born. You know i didnt accept my Step Dad until My Dad stopped coming to see me. But what does that matter? I mean I wasNT  A BOY. HE DIDNT FUCKING WANT A GIRL. HE PROBABLY HAS 80 BILLION FUCKING DAUGHTERS! HE DOESNT NEED ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!!!

But how am I going to forget the man who hated it when I cried? The man who bought me all of these presents because he knew he was never going to see me ever again. The man who bought me my first Barbie Car, my Hamtaro doll and my pretty Amethyst Birth Stone Barbie. All because he fucking knew he was never going to see me again. 

I havent seen him since I was two.  But I remember waking up in my hospital bed with Leslie telling him he had to talk to me because the doctors said they didnt know if I’d make it. I heard my auntie tell him in spanish and then he said “I dont talk to anyone who isnt blood.” and I wished I would have died again and again and again. 

4. I wasnt afraid to die. 

I mean honestly who is? Im Catholic now. I understand its the circle of life. Ive seen Lion King. But I honestly wasnt afraid to die. 

Here’s my philosphy on Religion and Death and everything 

If you’re a buddist and you die. You go do Buddist stuff. Buddist heaven, Buddist Hell. 

If you’re Jewish and you die. You go to Jewish Heaven because there isnt a hell. 

I know in church they tell you not to believe in other gods. But God mentions in the Holy Bible several times. So Meh. 

But I wasnt afraid to die. Im pretty sure my life had been clean and the only sins I really had were Hating my parents and Premarital sex. God wouldnt send me to hell for that. So I thought I’d go to heaven and party with Kurt Cobain

Because when a kid with Cancer dies, God doesnt send them to hell for dying of Cancer. So why would he send me to hell for succumbing to my depression? 

I mean atleast even if He was the God I think he is. 

3. By this point I was honestly sure nobody cared. 

The English teacher who carried me to the ambulance cared. I’m sure of that. 

But I mean nobody cared. I remember coming home to no food in the refrigerator and thinking “Oh well they’re making it easier for me now.” I remember nobody ever asking how I was.  I remember feeling numb I remember waking up that morning and deciding I was going to give life one last Chance. I’d missed the bus that morning and I had to call my  Grandmère to give me a ride to school because My Mother wouldnt teach me how to drive because she didnt want me to run off with my boyfriend and be happy. 

Because I guess bragging rights about your kids going to college are more important than your kids actually being happy. I’ll remember that when I have kids. If I live to have kids at least. 

Anyway I remember forgetting to take the pills out of my backpack. Im sure there’s an alternate universe somewhere where I did take them out of my backpack and I just went home early that day instead of killing myself in the bathroom. But hey what about the alternate universe where Hitler cured Cancer?

Nobody cared. Thats the point. Obviously if nobody noticed I was starving myself. If nobody noticed any of the signs that I displayed. 

But of course they all showed up to the hospital and cried crocodile tears. Then they yelled at me again as soon as I woke up. 

2. My life was over. 

“But you were accepted into NMSU! You were graduating Highschool! You had your whole life ahead of you!!!”

Did anybody ever think for just a second that I didnt want any of that? Honestly! Everybody was so proud. Nobody stopped and asked me if thats what I wanted to do. Because it sure as hell wasnt. I didnt want to go to college. Twelve fucking years of a system that made me kill myself in the Bathroom and you wanted me to do  eight more years?!  I wanted to get married and have babies. But I had to. You understand. I had to. I couldnt be like my sister. I couldnt stay in Highschool forever. I had to go to school because Men are useless now and I couldnt just get married out of highschool because as soon as they leave you’re going to need to take care of yourself! But I didnt want that. I wanted to get married. I wanted to have kids. 

1. Chance left.

Honestly this was it. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I could see it coming though. Yeah, I made fake accounts to try and talk to him. Yeah I was a thirsty hoe (Symptom of BPD btw). Yeah I kind of texted him until right before I did it. I mean I was 18 of course I was obsessed. He cared. He would kiss me goodnight, He would try to get me to eat but I never would. I wanted to be pretty for him. I wanted him to love me. He did for a moment. You know love is like a drug, A drug that makes you happy every day of your life. Even if all you do is fight. Maybe its because I’d never loved anybody before him. Not even my Mother.  When I lost that happy bubbly warmth. I wanted it back. I was so desperate to get it back. I didnt notice. I didnt notice all the terrible things that happened. I looked over all of the mean words, and abusive flags. None of those mattered, as long as I got that feeling of being warm, loved, safe, and protected. Because it made me want to live. If I couldnt live. I wanted to die. I wanted to die and be with that feeling forever. 

Maybe things would have changed if I had realize what a fucking scum bag he was earlier. 

Am I still Suicidal? Yes.

You cant turn it on/off contrary to the belief of everyone around me. I’ve been suicidal since I was a little girl. But will I do it again? I cant promise I wont.  

 Fourteen Reasons why  I want to live. 

14. I’m happy now. 

I dont know if I could consider this as happy as I want to be, I mean Im still single. I have no children. But I’m happy. I dont have all the money in the world but I can go get Starbucks. I can go out and eat If I want to and that makes me so happy. It makes me so happy to have access to food. 

13. I love my apartment. 

I love my apartment. I love everything about it. I do. Except the rent payment lol. I love that I can literally do whatever I want in this little one bedroom place. I love it. I love keeping it clean, I love putting up whatever I want on the walls and I love love love it so much. Im so warm and happy and there is always food here. 

12. I love where I live. 

I love my town. Its big, its bright and i can get whatever I need to. I can go to walmart again whenever I want and I dont have to beg anybody to take me through the drive through or pay anybody to take me to the mall. I can go see movies and see the world. I love the world. I love the grass and the trees and the warmth of the sun. I can sit on my porch for hours, I can watch the rain, I can go outside. I CAN GO OUTSIDE!!!! 

11. I love being free. My freedom is my most precious possession, I don't want to die if I can be free. 

 10. I don't want to die until I find that person. My whole life I've been told There's a soul mate for everyone. When I think about suicide. I think about being dead, in a way, Death was freedom for me. But part of me doesn't want to leave that person alone. I can't. If He was made for me . Then he's like ME and if he is then I don't want to leave him alone. 

9. I have food. 

I know what you’re thinking “Whatever, I have a frozen Dinner in the fridge. Does that make me not suicidal?”

I have food to eat. Like I do. I dont have to scrounge around my house for a packet of Ramen or hiding a can of soup under my bed and praying it would be there when I woke up. I can wake up and eat whatever I want. I can make dinner and sometimes I just stare at all of the food in my refrigerator and smile. 

Side note, It’s now May 12th, school is over. Im trying really hard to finish this. It’s triggering. Like, Hannah Baker, Everything she does. I can see myself in her.  I could deal with the books. I could deal with the books because I had borrowed my friend’s book and typed the alternate ending and stuck it in my book. I visualized it in my own way. Now seeing it. It’s triggering. Did anybody notice? Did anybody try to? 

What about when I did it? Did anybody think? Did anybody try and look after me. I mean nobody noticed me stop eating so I doubt anybody noticed me writing wills in my psychology class, or me writing my suicide note over and over again. 

The final draft only had a few words by the way and nobody read it. 

They didnt even read the instructions I left for them incase I survived and had to go to the hospital which is why I had to wear the same clothes I wore when i did it. Which absolutely sucked. But i was glad I was getting out of the mental hospital, so there’s that. 

I still dont understand why shit like this cant happen in real life. I dont understand how people can make people suffer so much emotionally that they think suicide is the only answer.

This is really hard to write. I have to think of reasons I want to live instead of reasons I want to die. That’s hard. I want to die. Im so sick of this. But I dont want to die. I want to live.  

In a sense, I really feel like Hannah Baker. Because She wanted to live, she wanted life and happiness but she just dies at the end. I wonder if that will happen to me? 

I’ve had people ask me if Im sure I should even be watching a show like this. But I have to. I have to finish it. 

I read the book I know what happens. But I have to finish it for myself. 

8. Kingdom Hearts III will come out (Eventually) 

I have found joy in video games once again. I mean. Ive always loved video games. But I was playing South Park Stick of Truth again and I liked it. I liked it a lot and I wanted to... I wanted to play it so much. 

I’m sure they have video games in heaven but i wonder do they have midnight release parties? Do they have endings that arent perfect?  

Im sure they do. But being alive for them is different. 

Eventually though. Kingdom Hearts III will come out. Eventually.  Ill get to play it. Maybe Ill get to play it with my grandchildren and teach them about Sora, and Kairi, and Riku. 

7. I want to be a Mother. 

Thats all I’ve ever wanted in life. Really. I just want to hold my baby and raise her/him. I dont want them to have to come home and wonder if there’s food to eat, or if the house is going to be warm or when Mom is going to come home.

I want to have children and teach them and give them love and warmth and make them safe and give them everything I never had in life.  Like love, and chances. Chances to make something of themselves in a way I never could. 

6. I want to live to be an annual passholder at Disney 

I mean I’ve been to Disneyland Nineteen times and this summer it will be 20.  But I want to be able to wake up one day, have the day off from work and ask my kids if they want to go to Disneyland instead of school. I want to go there and have a great time and not have to worry about school or work or depression or anything.

5. I really want to do my bucket list. 

I mean there’s lots of cool stuff on it. But I’m sure they have most of that in heaven. But  I want to do it before I die. Like I want to visit Euro Disney in person and hang out in France. I want to walk up and realize I’m going to see the Little Mermaid on Broadway tonight. I want to be able to tell everybody about what I’ve done and inspire them to do the same thing.

(Update: It’s June now. I have to finish it. I had to stop. It was getting bad again. Really bad. I’m ready now. I really am.)

4. I want to get married.

Honestly thats been my life goal since I was a baby. That and being a ballerina but appertanly my dreams dont matter enough for us to stay in a place I could actually achieve them. I want to have a big fancy wedding which will probably dumb down to me getting married at the court house which I am totally fine with. As long as I am officially married and we honeymoon at Disney. 

Jesus Chirst I cant do this. I really cant. I fucking cant. . .  Why? WHY am I here? Why did I live? It’s fucking impossible did you know that? Am I still alive? Am I dead? I wont fucking know! I’m so much happier now! I really am. But I cant do this. I fucking cant. Why? Why am I alive? Why did I live? SO I could pay bills for the rest of my life? I hate being broke. I hate not having any money. I spent 20 dollars today to go out to lunch and that was a luxury. I couldnt afford that. Especially with all these bills. Why? Why is it so expensive to live in a 3rd world country with Iphones? Why? I dont have a car I have to ride the bus everywhere and spend a billion dollars on fucking everything. WHY? Why? I hate this. I hate this so much. I hate having to be mad at myself for going to the mall and spening 11 dollars. ELEVEN FUCKING DOLLARS! I bought a keychain today. I bought a keychain today and I wasnt supposed to do that!  I love my apartment, I love it, I wont leave it unless I’m in a body bag or leaving with my husband, But i dont understand WHY?! Why? Why do they want everything I have? Everybody just wants money. Everything is just money money money money, do I Have enough? WIll it last? Will I be able to do something with it? Why do you want all of my money? I can barley afford to live and everybody wants to make it fucking harder than it already is!!!!!!!!!! I cant do this. I really want to die. But i really want to live. I really want to live. But i cant live. 

3. I want friends. . .

I want best friends. I want the kind of friends where you all can just hang out together and do stupid shit. I want inside joke kind of friends, I want the sort of friends that make fun of you but you know they dont mean it. I want a specific place for us to hang out and laugh and live. 

2. I want to be infinite. 

I dont mean immortal. I mean I want to do things. I want freedom. People have freedom given to them while others have to fight for it. I want to take a roadtrip. I want to eat at gas stations with somebody and travel and see the world. I’ve always wanted to see the world but i’ve been locked up in this FUCKING TOWER for so long and now i’m afraid to get out of it. I am afraid to live because I’ve never been able to live before! Why are people born free when I could not leave my house to get the mail? 

1. I want to experience love. 

I have never loved anybody. For a moment, I thought I loved Chance. But I realized, you cant love somebody who has never loved you. So i didnt love my Mother, or My sisters and brothers or my grandparents. That wasnt love. It was forced affection. Because when you love somebody you make sure they’re in the car before driving away and asking if they are. If you love someone you dont kick them out of your car. If you love somebody you offer to take them home instead of letting them sit in 32 degrees watching their spit freeze, while you let your family treat them like shit just like you did. 

But I want to experience love. All kinds of love. I want to know why people like it so much and why the feeling is so euphoric. I want to be held and treated like I am a treasure. Like I am worth something. 

Is that love? I will find out one day. I want this. Even if its the only thing I will have. I want it. 

~

I’m on the second to last episode now, 

I wonder if the author wanted us to feel bad for people we’ve slut shamed.  I wonder if we’re supposed to think about it that way. 

I dont know about you but I hate fake people who pretend they’ve killed themselves.  I mean I know its a cry for help. But I wish they would go and talk to somebody instead of insisting they sliced their wrists 80 times and got sent to the ER even though their wrists are scarless and havent look liked they were cut ever. 

My therapist once sent me to the ER because I told her I was feeling suicidial. 

I thought that was utter bullshit. 

Because all I had learned to do was lie. 

Why are you suicidal honey? *Sniff* My greAT Gran died and I miss her so much and I wish I could talk to her and hug her. Oh baby it’s gonna be okay, Derek she’s not suicidal get her out of here. 

See? Then at my next therapy session I had to lie to her and tell her I wasnt suicidal. Which was another lie. 

Anybody who has ever asked me about my Great Grandma Elisa knows I hated going to her house and I didnt like her. I’ve never liked her. She was so mean to me. She really was. 

But i cant say I cried crocodile tears at her funeral. Or when They woke me up and told me she wasnt breathing and I knew she was dead, and I cried in my sleep. Something I didnt do, and didnt start doing until it was getting really bad again. 

Isnt that funny though? How i learned to just lie to everybody instead of telling the truth? 

~

I’m on the last episode now. 

I cant make you believe how many times I had to stop this and step away for a moment. 

It was honestly too realistic. 

Like just the things she said 

“I decided to give life one more chance.” 

I remember thinking the exact same thing. 

and watching it blow it. 

Thats always how my emotions have been. 

Hannah is stealing razors now.

I remember the day I bought the sleeping pills specifically to kill myself.

I didnt tell my Mom that. I told her I was having trouble sleeping which was true. 

I remember telling kids I thought I was taking too much.

I remember pouring handfuls into my own hand and just staring at them. I thought they were really pretty.  

I remember sleeping in class because I’d take too many on purpose. 

I remember hanging up on 911 

I remember calling my ex boyfriend. 

I wondered what would happen if he would have answered. I really do. 

Probably nothing, 

I still would have done it. 

I remember swallowing handful after handful. 

I remember being carried to the office and hearing your voice in my head. 

I remember dying and being at peace.

I remember waking up and screaming and crying.

Because honestly. Suicide doesnt hurt. No. aside from me not being able to eat for a couple weeks without throwing up, or choking up tablets everytime I tried to take a pill. 

What hurt was waiting. I waited for life to get better. 

It didn’t.  

Hannah baker is going to slit her wrists,

I’m mad. This isnt the way it happened in the books. She swallowed pills.

ItsnotrealRosemaryitsnotrealItsnotevenhowithappendinthebooks

This is triggering. 

I reserve the right to skip this part.

I cant breathe. 

Okay, Okay. 

I dont fucking get why people say this show glorifies suicide. We are literally watching a girl die. The worst part is this is how actual people have done it. Oh my god. Oh my god there’s so much blood. 

Her parents, Oh my god. Okay that was so fake.

American Horror story did a better job. 

Which is probably why it kept me from killing myself. I watched Violet do it and it scared me. It scared me so I didnt do it. 

You know when I first read the books I guess I was really confused because I thought Mr Porter raped Hannah. I was like in 8th grade. 

Okay so Hannah Baker is still dead. The episode is over. 

How are they going to do season 2? 

I mean Tyler is Obviously going to shoot up the school and Alex tried to off himself. It’s Obvious Alex isnt going to die.  It’s Obvious Tyler isnt going to kill him. 

~

I liked watching this. 

I mean aside from it taking me two months to finish because,  well it kind of was triggering.

Side note:

I am not contemplating suicide please do not message me or call the cops. 

Also for anybody who is. 

National Suicide Prevention LifelineCall 

1-800-273-8255

[weabbynormalblog]

When nothing helps.

It's so hard sometimes I scream, stamp my feet, and pace like a caged lioness. I have to let that bullshit out. I cant keep my anger in, it will only get worst and explode often embarrassing me if I dont. Theres no harm is screaming or crying as long as it doesn't go on for days and doesnt make the neighbor call 911. Since my last post there is no job waiting for me to get better to go back to now. I had always hoped to go back, no more not, thanks to some clause at work. The future is just an unknown blobby nothingness to me. It can be scary. Meanwhile I'd like to be able to be completely autonomous as well as be able to cook for myself without burning, injury or rage. Cooking should be fun right? What's fun? I've forgotten. I'm not really in any shape for anything. Before the Pandemic it was already tough enough for me. I was working hard on getting somewhere. Then I had a nasty couple of falls and I'm back to square 1 again. Brush myself off get up and start again. Im still pushing it, when will I learn? Slow down, life is not a race. I have to be careful when I'm spread to thin. The part of my brain that controls my gimbals is broken if I move too fast woah wipe out. Sometimes I cant help myself andI get stuck on a subject for hours till I've worked through my emotions. I dig into the chores not realizing that it may be too much for me during a heat wave. What's up with my brain that it feels like I have to pull up the slack to be considered human. I am enough as is!!!! Everyone is suffering and feeling the pinched in these hard times. After 5 years you would think I've gotten used to being miserable with pain and many limitations sure heap on this crazy ass, heavy, sick world. Clearly It is no place for me right now. Crazy shit been happening out there and good stuff too. So no cooking pancakes or bacon for me. If I'm hungry, Ill grab a fruit, some vegies; nevermind cook anything its too hot. I'm trying to see the silver lining; at least the weather is nice. That seem like something a "Karen" would say. Kay? I have to put on a mask to go for a walk isnt my life worth it? Every one else doesn't seem to think so here on my island, I get weird looks for wearing one. Sometimes it's so depressing that I feel like a Pokemon Psyduck, migraine and all. Just Explode! I hit my head on the ceiling coming down the stairs, I'm tall and on that little shelf in the bathroom again. Grrr. I stuck a pingpong ball on the corner so the next time it happens it wont hurt as much. I guess that's learning and adapting of sorts. I'm not hungry and it doesnt matter that all food smells horrible, nothing new just another awkward moment of being brain injured. I cant take meds unless I eat. So cut fresh veggies, some cheese and fruit. Or a smoothie its all good. Ive been worst and I believe I will get better. I wish I could go more than 3 days without injuring myself. Almost went flying down the stairs yesterday. This AM I tripped, twisted my ankle, the wall catches me right on my sore rotator cuff because I lost track my phone. Oi! Enough! Maybe a padded house? Or just a padded room? I'm feeling so raw, bitter,feed up and beaten right now. Everyone does I guess. With my balance and everything being so bad, all I can do is rest. Its either kill the air conditioner cause it's so noisy or melt because it was 36° out. I'm not in good shape at this moment, the heat wave got to me, dare I say. It will pass. It will get better! I must remain positive. Even though my head and body are not feeling happy, at all. I've given up on waiting to get an appointment with my doctor. People who have TBI, CPFS and other auto immunity health issues thier bodies are not so good at metabolizing for the weather. Often when we get sweaty we can actually began to shiver. We can be hot and cold at the same time because certain systems are messed up in our brains and body. So important to be good to yourself and dont do stranous activities when it's too hot. Still too hot, have a cool bath with an iced drink. Rest,read,grab an ice pack and relax

[sageadrianwhite]

It sucks when you have like no friends

Well I've realized I dont have many friends but I've got a couple hundred on Facebook which is funny because if I ask anyone if they are doing to go out like to karaoke, to the movies, for coffee, no one wants to go out..., but my guy friends do and do nothing but hit on me and try to flirt with me and they all know I've been taken for 5 years at the end of this month.... the friends I do have all live far away at least 45 mins or further.... or the few in town they got controlling other halves or well kids and can't do anything... which kids I always will understand that and work come first in my mind, but what bothers me is well I've always been the good friend!

You dont have a place to stay my couch is open, need winter boots or a coat and I've got an extra we happen to be the same size its theirs, don't have enough for dinner don't worry come on over and I'll make enough for an extra plate, your low on formula for your kid or diapers and pay isn't till the end of the week, I'm the friend that if I got I'll send the money to help with no expectations no care to have the money returned, I see my friend can't have a drink when we're out because their low I'll offer to buy them one so they don't feel left out, I'm full your hungry and ask me for a bite as a friend I'll say do you want the rest as I'm a small snack pick eater type always have been, my momma and I used to share plates till I was 16 because I have always been a small pick eater... when I have a party I make sure I know everyone's allergies in advance and plan the food around people health conditions and allergies, get non-alcoholic drinks for my sober friends heck next party my mom is taking my therapy animal for the night as I have 4 friends highly allergic to her and she loves my mom.

But

I'm always alone

No one checks on me with my health

Everyone expects me to be this super woman because the women in my family basically are....

I have my other half but we don't live together yet due to poor finances and employment issues on his part right now as it's been a rough lay off over the last while.... without the car we get to see each other just once a week and spend a night together and he walks an hour to see me because of my bum knee and can't walk to see him and I've got an apartment barely held till he can get going.

I've been the girl to always give but no one cares for Shyla on how shes doing or if she has enough to eat or if shes alright. I've always been the throw away friend that has money because of what my family does, but I often sit wondering why do I bother to continue to give, be nice and check in everyone, when no one checks on me, she's how I am and if my health conditions are alright.... I'm often treated as a second rate friend can you come all the way 3 hours out all the sudden we decided to move got no one to watch the kids but we picked 3 hours away leave your ESA and take off even with a severe anemia and a heart condition and PTSD attacks where you black out and if you dont have your ESA you have no for warning on when your going to pass out stay here and we can try to figure away home when it's all done which means we'll put you on a train make you pay for it out of the money we give you.... oh you do this for us we do this for you I finish it all and it's done perfect I get shit back from them and how it's not how they did it but that's what i was told.... In my life people have always beaten me down one way or another and really never had much of friends was kinda always alone once I left the town I started school in it all went down hill any time I've been back in this hell hole city its caused me nothing but misery, nothing but heartache, nothing but being betrayed, nothing but being hurt by people when people said oshawa was a hell hole they arent kidding .... ive had people play mu best friend for years so she could have me drugged and raped... I had a guy pretend to love me to get money from my family, I've been through such bad bullying i have permanent back damage and more... I've given to charity my whole life, done everything I can to make a better place, been in so much to try to make change and always basically have the shit off my back to anyone in need, rather it was a friend or stranger and it's always landed me no where... I have spent years wondering why I continue to try to have close friends some times because I know I don't really have them...

I've got like 10 friends and two are my boyfriend and sister which is sad, the other is a guy I've known since 13 who's like my brother but him and his gf who's like my sister now are out in waterloo.....

My best friend since kindergarten is now in Kingston with the guys I set her up with since he works with the revenue agency.

My other two best friends from kindergarten one treats me like her personal nanny and that I should drop everything in my life because she made me their god mom, but I was sick for 9 years and I was non contagious I did it the last 2 years to help her while she got settled and so I had some extra pocket money and I got to see my niece and nephew their now in Brampton....

Her sister is the other best friend shes now in Fergus 3 hours away for her new boyfriend after finally coming home after the last took her to Hamilton for 4 years...

My other 4 best friends ones my upstairs neighbor who's like 5 years older than me and I help her with her munchkins and shes always busy busy as shes a starbucks store manager and has her kids and a new man in her life.

The other then my best guy friend since 16 his gf hates me and makes sure he has nothing to do with me unless I go into the dispensary for my medical stuff and he happens to be working and it's the only time we ever get to talk now or even give each other a quick hug and this guy used to bear hug me off the ground when he saw me!

And the other shes an amazing artist did one of my tattoo cover jobs to help me start over and met her through the tree above when they dated 6 years ago and now she managws an auto shop in Peterborough and I never get to see her enough because of her work hours and I don't have a car because we werent sure how long I had left before surgery....

And last one shes in scarbrough now an I see her mostly at gigs here and there or the odd night if shes in town at karaoke and we planned it in advance.

But other than that I have no one my family never calls to check even my best friends hardly check on me because I've always seemed like no matter what happens I'll bounce back and they know that's true I do to, but it would be nice to actually have friends you know care, the ones that would have your back and be there when you need them not just you being there for them when they need you.... I'm always the forgotten friend groups of people I'm just simply friends with will invite the whole group when everyone's there they will go did you invite Shyla... they go shit I forgot and call me well it's too late then.... I've always been well I guess the left over when it comes to friends I'm just tried of having a good heart helping everyone and not one person sees me or can seem to value me as an equal human being....

Just think it's time I start finding new friends and all as I really dont have anyone and I'm tired of always sitting alone waiting for someone to go hey yeah I'll go or hey you wanna do something but I know I'm never gonna be that person for anyone..... sucks because on nights when your alone like this you wish you could just curl up in your other halves arms and just cry but you cant even do that because hes not even around enough for that... I'm so tired or being lonely

[somedaypast-thesunset]

you know whats unhealthy?

being made to be upset before 7am about things which are projections of the issues someone has with themselves and needs to find something or someone to blame for their own problem because admitting it is their own problem would be admitting a fault in themselves. 

you know? thats the lack of stability. 

he told me to make a list of my problems. i felt like maybe he should make a list of my problems because he seems to have a different list than i do. 

heres what i know:

a) i have very fast metabolism to the point i need to eat frequently throughout the day in order to feel super super on top amazng healthy. i cannot afford to eat healthier or as frequently as i want to. this leads to buying lower quality food to try and buy “bulk” amounts to last longer or things with “empty” calories just for sustenance. i occassionally buy fresh vegetables and fruits but they are not a good investment when you’re poor. period. a box of rice costs 1.99. three apples cost about the same. can you eat 3 apples for a meal? a very frequent problem is not being able to afford to eat alot in the day and then getting a meal at the end of the day from his home but only being served ridiculously small portions. i’m grateful for anything at all but it’s not enough for me to not feel hungry afterwards. 

however when we eat snacks in the evening and sleep on it, my normal very fast metabolism is not active. this has caused me to put on 10 extra pounds that i have not carried in at least 5 years. what can i do? i dont have alot of options at my disposal. 

b) rheumatoid arthritis runs in my family. this is an autoimmune disease. this means that the genetic line in my background dictates that the dna that makes up my body is suspcetible to creating a being with weaker joints because the body itself - not by injury, activity, or lack there of, is attacking the joints. being prone to having weaker joints means that it is important to strengthen and stretch and be active however it also means knowing that you have some physical limitations in your activity. maybe your activity will be like 30 minutes instead of an hour. but it’s still being active. 

one of the biggest issues i have by far are very weak knees. well .. i think thats actually the wrong word to describe the issue. that automatically implies that i need to strengthen my knees. my knees have painful joints that are unable to maintain repetitive motions such as cycling or walking for long periods of time. maybe a knee brace would help not create so much stress and tear on joints and ligaments that are natually inclined to wear quickly but those cost _money_. 

additionally, i can continue being active after a break. like i can do 20 minutes of very good, heart pumping activity with repetitive motions but then i need a break because its very painful and stressed and once its able to relax, it’s good to go. i don’t think this implies i’m unable to be active. i think this implies that i have a moderate activity level right now that is equal to how much nutrition i get and the expecations i have during activity.

c) i smoke cigarettes. sucks. i dont do chemical or pharmaceutical drugs. i maybe do shrooms once every few years. i smoke weed. i have never been addicted to chemical or pharmaceutical drugs in my life. i have never injected drugs in my life. i have never smoked chemical drugs. i have inhaled drugs probably 7 - 10 times in my lifetime. i only casually drink alcohol and have only drank to excess maybe 7 - 10 times in my ife where i’ve vomited or had a hangover. i have maybe 10 beers over the course of 4 - 6 months at a time. that’s the lvel of “casually drinking” i have. i almost never drink mixed alcohol anymore but used to drink on a more frequent basis and drank orange juice with vodka primarily. so guess what? despite the obvious ill effects that smoking has had on all of my organs, i probably havent created any additional issues to my major organs by doing any of these things. i have not created any stress on my heart or my liver. 

but i do smoke. and that is legitimately the worst thing i do in my life in terms of harming myself or being unhealthy. absolutely nothing in my lifestyle is more unhealthy than smoking. in no way what so ever do i deny the effects smoking has. it is very very bad. not only do i have some breathing issues naturally to begin with including asthma and apnea but i am now putting layers of toxic tar on top of my lungs and much of it admittedly has been unfiltered for almost 10 years and have ben low quality tobacco. not that higher quality is necessarily better but lower seems like its probably even worse. probably like even more random chemicals they dont write anywhere. ive pulled out like pieces of wood from cigarettes before. my dad rolled his own for a long time as well. it’s bad. it’s totally completely bad.

this is going to cause negative side effects in my life in the future. for sure. will i get cancer? maybe. it doesnt run in my family but maybe? lymphoma? copd? sounds like it could maybe happen but again, genetically i’m not pre-disposed but i can cause it by smoking regardless. everyone in my family smokes. they did not age super well in terms of like.. visually. and mentally theyre totally fuked up. but physically theyre oddly in decent shape. like theyre all still moderately active people capable of doing things in their 50s and 60s which is probably a decent sign they’ll be moderately mobile in their 70s and 80s. 

d) depression is the NUMBER ONE DISEASE THAT RUNS IN MY FAMILY ON BOTH SIDES. VERy SErIOUS CLINICAL DEPRESSION WHICH GOeS UNTREATED FOR YEARS IF NOT DECADES. my uncle shot himself in the stomach with his kids in the next room and he was not even blood related. thats how much depression runs in this family. we attract more depression. and it’s not just depression but i’m going to use it as a blanket term because to simplify the pain of this generational experience its that everyone deeply suffers from depression as a disease and not as just like.. a way to describe a deep sadness. a good number of people in my family who are my age but third generation are on drugs. you can clearly tell. my cousin lives in a hospital for huffing glue as a teenager and hes like an old man now. the matriarch on my fathers side literally jujust abandoned all of her children. just peaced the fuck out. literally. thats fucked! 

but what we have to KNOW - we HAVE to KNOW that depression is a disease in this family. trauma is accepted and depression is a genetic disease passed down. if we dont KNOW this then we’re fucked. we’re all fucked. you have to know the enemy. you have to know what youre fighting in order to win. many people so far have passed because of a heart attack or diabetic complications. however the more and more i think about it (which is a lot. like everyday.) my father died of depression. he had zero will to live anymore and its lke.. he had guilt for that because i was there and i was a good kid who didnt do anything but try to help him but he had no will to live. it wasn’t selfish either - he gave me everything he could but he had absolutely no desire to carry on in life and he made harmful choices over and over again partially out of being stubborn, partially because he just did not care. he told me many times that he was WAITING TO DIE. my own father. and do you know what i replied? “i know dad. i’m waiting to die too.” and you know what he said? nothing. nothing. we just existed in silent empathy of eachother - understanding. 

depression will absolutely kill me before any disease does if i do not get taken out by a random heart attack which honestly i am terrible at eating salt in moderation so i feel like im more likely to have like a sodium related issue that in combination with smoking would lead to a random heart attack. but i would never, in my opinion, knock on wood, suffer from a long term disease because i already do and depression will totally kill me way before anything else. right now, at 27, i can see me going until 40. maybe. MAYBE. ive already done 27 years. but the next 10 are going to be fucked. totally fucked. and if i make it until 40 then wow. wowwww. 

e) i am very .. easily persuaded in regards to someone telling me an observation they have about me. i have experienced trauma numerous times by multiple people which has created a personality flaw that leads to very serious emotional & mental instability with how i perceive myself and what i know and what i’ve seen. this is not a “disorder”. this is not an “illness”. this is a personality flaw which has been created through life experiences. essentially, by listening to other people amd choosing to believe them over what i legitimately know to be true is one way of choosing to harm myself. i am “doing it to myself” even though these people could be being assholes at the time. but i am not capable of immediately filtering and having the confidence in what i know - because it’s been questioned so often i question my literal sanity and reality of the world on an hourly basis - so instead of knowing how to cope, instead i allow the traumatic experiences to play out as i am familiar to them acting out. they tell me something, i accept it, question myself, fight with myself and being picking apart things that maybe arent even that big of issues but ive correlated it with what theyve said and now im focused on all these problems i think i have with myself. 

i was told i was sick for a long time. do you get that? i’m not even making this up. like the fact im SAYING THAT should be enough. i was told by my mother that i was sick for a long time. i was told this. she made up all the fucking things she could and told me and told doctors and everyone that i was sick. i had many infections and illnesses and just.. things. i was sick. i was TOLD i was sick. i was TOLD i had a problem i couldnt see or feel or hear. and thus the cycle begins.

i fight it as well - but i’m not sick. i’m not sick. i’m not weak. i’m not stupid. OBVIOUSLY. OBVIOUSLY IM NONE OF THESE THINGS. but im listening to these convoluted assholes spouting opinions which again are projections of their own personal insecurities make me doubt myself and question if i am. maybe i am. maybe i’m so stupid i cant even see what they see. now theyre in a position of power. to counteract i spend my time having one sided arguments and writing personal essays about how i’m none of these things and this doesnt even make sense because all this other shit happened!  but now ive stressed over something that meant nothing to my being for x amount of time, become tired and stressed out, emotional and depressed. 

~~~~

last night i kind of felt like i didnt really want to be sleeping at his house. i was uncomfortable and had trouble breathing and the silence combined with his heavy breathing is soo grating it takes sometimes hours to fall asleep. i still like sleeping with him. i do. after this conversation, i dont realy feel like i want to hang out with him again anytime soon anyways. 

i have to balance and meditate on my own knowledge and perceptions because i have not been wrong before about how he infers more “important” or “bigger” emotions. we have been together for a year but he refused to acknowledge a relationship until last week. which means we are not emotionally affectionate - we don’t express affection in words either but we are both very aware that we are in love. 

i believe he knows that i am both the problem and not the problem at the same time. i believe he has a lot of love for me on a lot of levels and would do just about anything for me. i believe he wants a future with me and wants to have me in his life “forever” but he can’t be promised forever if i’m dead at 40. he cant invest all this emotional attachment to someone whos going to die. he needs to know im not going to die and everytime i light a cigarette in front of him im choosing that over living with him until im dead. 

i lso believe some of the frustration comes from knowing he could live with me in some capacity if we didnt smoke weed or i smoked cigarettes or we ate junk food because we would have more money to build an appropriate life (possibly to his standards) together. 

quitting smoking is not something im considering right now because its acrutch. its a daily crutch that gets me from one difficult 5 minutes to the next. i am very scared to live without it because i am not capable of handling long term stress emotionally & mentally right now. i also have no real personal desire to stop. its not a big deal to me and if i did quit i am sure they would all ask me if i felt better etc. and ii’d just shrug and tell them sure. they feel better, clearly, so i guess i feel better because i dont listen to them put me down for my personal choices in life anymore. just another thing im told. im told. im told. 

his ignorance to the legitimate issues and difficulties of living in long term poverty is overwhelming and to add trauma and depression on to it .. incomprehensible. 

additionally since he has no self control he wants other people to be his self control by not smoking weed or eating junk food and promoting an active lifestyle. he said he couldn’t take me biking or for  a run - and that’s fine; it’s not fun to do those activities with him. i’m not interested in exersizing with him, i’m interested in just being active and going at break neck speeds are not fun at all for me. i enjoy a level of activity that gets my heart rate going but is still leisurely and like.. not aggressive. i’m not looking to run aggressively, you know? if i die in a freak accident because my stamina is not good enough to run aggresively well then i die. it’s cool. i probably died in a fucked up way anyways if i needed to run aggressively away and at tht point kudos to me for trying at all. 

when we tried to canoe it was terrible. just a shitty experience because he likes adrenaline and the rush that pushing himself gives him but you know what? maybe - maybe. some people. just want to have a casual leisurely canoe ride. okay. thats not fucking terrible. they arent weak. theyre fucking enjoying life and the experience. thats how they enjoy it. go make some adrenaline junkie friends. let us slow pokes enjoy the ride. i am not required to fulfill every role in his life. i am not required to be his clone and like all the things he likes and do all the hings he does the way he does it. we have a ton of things in common already and we get along super well. his mother frequently buys pretty terrible pre-packaged foods and granola bars full of sugar and stocks his lunches full of fruit and like honestly fruit is good for you but you cant just eat fruit and say youre healthy. you cant eat shitty grocery store bread and say youre healthy. 

however we both like the same foods. whenever i cook for us he has never complained but openly complains about his mothers cooking. the only time he has complained is when i try to bake frozen fries in a fucking oven because his mother thinks its just “tht much healthier” when you’re eating fucing mccains frozen fries to begin with and then baking them until theyre brown to simulate cripsyness. 

if we lived together i could actually feed him healthy foods that are homemade and not store bought as i have done in all my previous live in relationships. i made dinner with multiple food groups every night too. alot of my lunches would be salad or soup or a sandwhich or all of it together. did i also eat snacks? fuck yes. did all i eat qualify as a snack? no. i ate healthy. and i actually ate even healthier as i got older and included more vgetbles and fruits in my regular diet. 

but living between two places and having his mother feed us once a day is pretty fucking stupid. sry2say. buy your own foods. know that the cupboard doesnt restock magically. when you make foods you actually accept in eating left overs of or create lunches a week a head of time like other people do  its not as easy to turn to snacks either.

but what do i know.

i’m just sitting here waiting for this guy to figure out that hes still causing 50% or more of the “problem”. 

[mystery-snail]

hello it’s time for Whine Time ™ (kind of private maybe dont read, its just me bitching about some stuff but if you have dealt with the gross/ugly sides of depression or anxiety and you genuinely feel you have advice that might help go ahead. but i promise this isn’t anything juicy or interesting, it just felt good to vent while i waited for my homework to upload)

so ive been having some shitty fallouts after i came home and returned to school after surgery. i had tried to plan ahead (i did all my homework ahead of time, made sure i stayed in touch with teachers, got extensions, etc). but the recovery was a whole week more than it was supposed to be and i spent that week lazing around and playing games when i could have been catching up

ive been so freaked out about everything that ive completely fallen off the radar. i feel like im faking all of this and everyones going to find out that im not smart or organized or happy when they see me fail. im supposed to graduate in may and my mom wants to have a party, and she said she’d do all the planning, but every ten minutes is an email or a text demanding i drop everything and help. i tried saying i cant and she didnt even adknowledge it. i have so many projects due and appointments with doctors and i have already made a commitment to return to work tomorrow. i cant leave work again (i was gone for 2 weeks and theyre slammed, understaffed, its only a 2 hour shift etc)

my life has fallen apart and im doing stuff ive never done when im depressed. my room is full of food garbage and its starting to smell. my bed is covered in clothes but i dont even know whats clean or dirty. i dont sleep because i get so anxious and guilty that im not doing homework or working on something. my floor is a mess and i cant even make myself take care of my body. i havent brushed my hair in almost 3 days. i wear the same jeans, hoodie, and shoes every day because i cant take time to care. i cant even eat. i have been drinking meal replacement shakes and eating toast. sometimes i can eat small things or soft things, like nuts and jello. my body feels terrible but taking time to cook or even sit down and eat feels like im being lazy

my boyfriend says to just chill out and everything will be okay. but if i relax i feel worse - chilling out wont help. ill be so freaked out the whole time that i wont actually be relaxing or taking a break, just laying still and mentally planning all the ways i can cram all my obligations into my long day. i do it every night until i fall asleep, if i even manage to. then im so tired the next day that im afraid people will notice im not happy or confident or put together like they all say i am, and im gonna let them all down and make them all mad when they find out im not good at anything at all

i dont even know where to start. cleaning my room takes time i could spend on homework. eating takes too much time also, and i dont even feel hungry anyway. my stomach hurts but i dont care enough to pay attention and eventually it goes away. my homework isnt stuff i can bang out in quick succession, but ive been trying. i do a response during my break instead of eating. i read when i walk between classes. i stay up late until i cant think right and then when i try to sleep i just cant relax, so i stay up later and try to get progress done. 

i feel like i set myself up months ago with all these obligations and now im just being torn in every direction by all the expectations around me. 2 semester-long projects due in a few weeks. one semester long paper, and the next section is due tuesday. a semester long 2 day lesson plan that must be completed in extreme detail, due soon. two group projects coming up, but none of us have talked about anything, read anything, or even contacted each other. i had a group teach tonight - i had to make the whole lesson plan (and we were still late to turn it in) all night last night and didnt sleep until 5 something, and then woke up at 630 cause my mom texted me with party stuff again. now i have weekly essays to do, weekly responses, weekly online posts (and now those arne’t just single posts, they’re groups of 11 threads i have to watch videos in, analyze, and respond to. this week it took 6 hours to do them all and i have to do it all again next week). i have to read all of a book on teaching ethic so i can present that in ANOTHER group project in a few weeks. I have to distribute my big fiction piece tomorrow and i already printed it (13 copies, 300 pages total) but i realized i forgot to update it with a title and cant spare the time before class to print new first pages, so i have to stay up tonight and annotate the actual title, cross out the untitled label, and then sit through the critique on monday when everyone says it was unprofressional i didnt have a title and i get marked down

ive missed so much class and work and i can say no to anyone. i feel guilty for everything and i recognize im falling apart and this isnt okay but i cant ask for help, i dont want to, i cant make it happen. i feel like i dont deserve anything and i did this to myself, i chose this. its all gonna fall apart and im the only one to blame.

i dont even know where to start in getting control back. ive never had this kind of breakdown before. everyone keeps saying ‘oh well you had major surgery you have to relax and take it slow’ but they dont understand. they feel bad for me cause they think im someone who deserves a break, but i got 2 weeks to be lazy and do nothing. they all think im on top of everything and that i can manage more time off, but i cant. i cant just step away because if i do i fail everything. i got all A’s last semester and now everyone expects me to do it again, but ill be lucky to graduate. i have a’s right now but its all gonna fall apart soon. stuff is falling through the cracks and im trying to compensate by ignoring other stuff, like food and sleep. but im so afraid ill fumble and lose something more important and ill fail a class and not graduate. i already forgot my advising appointment yesterday because im fucking stupid and was distracted with playing on tumblr between classes

i just cant get the control back. i deserve this and i dont know how to fix it. its my fault and i have to deal with it all

my depression doesnt manifest like this. its always binge-eating and changing my life positively to fight back. but i cant fight this time. i cant eat and i cant sleep. i cant focus and i cant even prioritize all the stuff im juggling

i just dont know what to do any more.

[luckyleolion]

so its been a year since ive been with my bf and this is the longest relationship i have ever been in and i dont see it stopping anytime soon. i think this is good.

however fairly recently i have been going through this weird time where i dont want to do anything and everything kind of makes me feel sad or mad. it could be because i should be starting my period soon. but i dont know.i hope so. i feel like this happens often and i think it is due to that, like the hormones just make me feel weird and act strange.

overall ive been pretty good i recently got like a job, like they said i have been hired but like they haven’t given me a start date. idk. like ive been super pissed about my parents recently. they are only acting this way because i have a bf and me and him go out or just are happy together unlike them and their lame asses. and its like they just get pissy. my mother kind of has been acting like a bitch to be honest and its like she gets really bitter about things. i feel like its not as much as before but its not completely gone yet.

on top of my mothers irrational behavior is my fathers rational behavior. he thinks if i have enough time to go out then i have enough time to clean around the house since i dont have a job, which is completely reasonable. all he really wanted was like the house to be picked up and occasionally vacuumed but what he really cared about was the yard, the pool, and making sure my room is clean. he said once a week he wants to see my room clean and the yard picked up(weeds,leaves,trash) and twice a week to empty the pool traps so the leaves dont clog the pool. completely reason to be honest.

but then my mother goes in and says she wants to add to the list because she is “working so hard at work” and im doing nothing. i think its screwey when people say that and they aren’t like lawyers or something. its like 99% of jobs require that you only have to think about work WHEN AT WORK while school makes a point of students having to think about school WHEN NOT AT SCHOOL. i dont know, its like she literally doesnt do shit and she acts like her job is so fucking hard. meanwhile my father is working full time plus overtime, multiple 24 hour shifts and having to go to mandatory meetings right after the 24 hour shifts where sometimes he gets no sleep. it is insane. and then on top of that he goes to school full time. its like i get father telling me what to do, or getting upset that i need a job. but its like my mother has no room to talk.

anyway, so she goes and butts into this arrangement me and my father have made. she says i have to:

once a month- clean all the fans and windows

twice a month-wash all four dogs, clean the washroom (wash all the clothes and throw stuff away)

once a week-clean the bathrooms and her room

twice a week- vacuum, dust, mop up and downstairs

everyday-pick up and clean everyones stuff that they leave lying around the house

on top of that i have to do the yard work and the pool and make sure my room is spotless once a week.

its fucking ridiculous. nevermind that but i also have to be the source of transportation for my sister and her friend for whenever they get out of practice evn though that varies from day to day to a point where i cant make any definite plans after 5pm. considering mon-thurs i get out of school and back to my house by about 4:15 this leaves me little time for myself. and then i have to clean everything all the time. its just stupid and it makes me angry that they have given me so much work. its like, why? thats fucking stupid.

so i applied to get a job because im fucking tired of my mother and i think i should get away from her. oh my gosh today i spent the day with my bf and his family and my mother was off today....so instead of being productive or like cleaning or doing anything like that she complained to me all day about how she is home alone and there is no one to keep her company and that she is bored and what am i doing and all this stuff. and its like i got out of school around 5 today and my bf’s family had some food so i went to his familys house because im so fucking tired of my mother and also i forgot my food at home so i was super hungry. and my mother was jus trying to make me feel guilty about it. but hell no. im so fucking tired of them trying to make me feel guilty just so they can get their way. my scorpio friend is right i cant be letting them do that to me, they are using me and thats not right.

[overlyobsessedfreak]

150 Questions

I Did A Question Thingy 4 Years Ago. I Want To See How Much Ive Changed. 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? 4 Years: My Momma  Now: This Stupid Guy. 

2. Are you outgoing or shy? 4y: Shy Now: Shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? 4y: KAMERON AND ANDY SIXX <<< Nice To See My Priorities included A Band Member.  Now: Kyler, Chris And My Family Back Home. 

4. Are you easy to get along with?  4y: Sometimes Now: Sometimes

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? 4y: Yesh Now: I Know He Would.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? 4y: Nice,Shy people Now: Dorky And Nice People.

7. Do you think you'll be in a relationship two months from now?  4y: I hope so 1 year so far <<< Back When I Had Low Self Esteem And Thought I Needed A S/O When I Didnt Love Them. I Let That Go On For Way Too Long.  Now: Absolutely.  

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? 4y: My Boyfriend Now: Boyfriend And My Best Friend. 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? 4Y: Depends On who Im talking to. Now: Nah. 

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? 4Y: Kameron Now: Either My Cousin Mariah Or Deanna. 

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? 4Y: Nothin Now: There Is A Difference xD

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? 4Y: In the End-BVB, If Im James Dean then your Audrey Hepburn acoustic Version-SWS, King For a day-PTV, Hell On heels-BOTDF, Finders Keepers- YMAS, Ohio Is on Fire- OM&M Now: Follow You By BMTH, Scars By I Prevail, Heroin By SWS, Stuck In Your Head By I Prevail, Four Is Enough. 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?  4y: Yes Now: Yes

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? 4y: Nope Now: Nope. 

15. What good thing happened this summer? 4y: Ocean City Now: Nothing I Can Recall

16. If you could kiss anyone who would it be? 4y: Kameron and Andy Sixx << Again With The Band Thing Now: Kyler. 

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? 4y: YES Now: Yep. 

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? 4y: yesh he's in one of my classes. Now: Nope.

19. Do you like bubble baths? 4y: Yesh. Now: Yep

20. Do you like your neighbors? 4Y: NOPE. Now: Dont Know Them. 

21. What are you bad habits? 4Y:  Talking in sleep, biting lower lip, Inside cheek, Biting My nails, Biting off lip skin Now: All Still Happening

22. Where would you like to travel?  4y:France Now: Ohio. 

23. Do you have trust issues? 4y: Yes Now: Yep

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? 4Y: Computer or Seeing my bf. Now: Pretty Much The Same But Now Im Adding Talking To My Friends On Skype For Hours Upon Hours. 

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? 4y: Everything Now: My Smile. 

26. What do you do when you wake up? 4y: I go downstairs and Eat cereal Now: Do Chores And Then Message People Back. 

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? 4y: Lighter <<< My Ass Wanting To Be A Vampire And Shit.  Now: Dont Care. 

28. Who are you most comfortable around? 4y: Friends and Close Family Now: Kyler, Chris, A Select Few Of My Friends And Family. 

29. Have any of your ex's told you they regret breaking up? 4y: Nope. Now: Yep. 

30. Do you ever want to get married? 4Y:  Yes Now: I Believe So. 

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? 4y: A very small one. Now: Yep. 

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? 4Y: Avril Lavigne and Andy Sixx, Sasuke and Naruto, Gaara and Ino, Andy Sixx and Ashley Purdy, Vic Fuentes And Kellin Quinn, Alice And Mad Hatter,  Finn and Princess Bublegum, Finn and Marceline, Princess bubblegum and Marceline, Zuko and Katara, Sam Manson and Danny Phantom, Gaara and Naruto, Cat and Tori, Jade and Tori, Tori and Beck, Abby and Tony, Tony and Ziva, Noami and Emily, Jamie and Vic  ^^^ WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? I WAS 13?!?!? My Hypersexualized Ass? Wtf. Now: No. 

33. Spell your name with your chin. 4y: a7tumknjm Now: autguumnj

34. Do you play sports? 4y: What sports? HAHAHHAHA Your Funny Now: No. Though I Enjoy Soccer If I Get A Chance.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? 4Y: TV Now: No. 

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? 4y: Yeah Now: Obviously

37. What do you say during awkward silences? 4y: "So....." Now: I Just Continue Being Silent. 

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? 4y: My boyfriend <3 <<< Autumn Should’ve Stopped Lying To Herself. Now: My Boyfriend Now Honestly, He Treats Me Perfectly And I Dont Ever Want Anyone Else. 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? 4y: Hot Topic, Rue 21, etc. Now: Same I Think. Though I Cant Afford That Shit. 

40. What do you want to do after high school? 4y: Video Game Designer or something with animals. Now: HAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHH

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? 4y: Yes Now: No. 

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? 4y:  I'm thinking. Now: Either Im Thinking Or Im Having Really Bad Anxiety. 

43. Do you smile at strangers? 4y: Yeah. Now: Yes. Everyone Deserves A Smile.  44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? 4y: Bottom of ocean. Now: If It Was 100% Safe? Either. Both Sound Awesome.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? 4y: My grandfather. Now: My Fear Of Being A Failure. 

46. What are you paranoid about? 4y: Too much stuff Now: Right Now Im At Peace.

47. Have you ever been high?  4y: Yeah Now: Yep :/ God I Hate My Parents.  48. Have you ever been drunk? 4y:  Yeah Now: Yeah, I Hate My Parents. 

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? 4y: Yes. Now: Yep. 

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? 4y:  Gray and Black Now: Grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else? 4y: Yes Now: Absolutely.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? 4y: Everything Now: My Motivation, My Ability To Do Simple Tasks. 

53. Favourite makeup brand? 4y: Hard Candy Now: Uhhhh

54. Favourite store? 3y: Hot Topic Now: Dont Have One. 

55. Favourite blog? 4y: http://justpiercetheveilalready.tumblr.com/ and http://andley.tumblr.com/ Now: I Cant Choose :(

56. Favourite colour? 4y: Purple and Red Now: Purple And Red

57. Favourite food? 4y: Spaghetti and Chili Now: Spaghetti, Chili, Steak, Honey Chipotle Chicken.

58. Last thing you ate? 4y: Raspberry lemonade Now: Beeferoni. 

59. First thing you ate this morning? 4y: Cereal Now: Beeferoni

60. Ever won a competition? 4y:For what? Nope. Now: I Was Student Of The Month Once. 

61. Been suspended/expelled? 4y: Nope but I got MIP twice, Once for stealing and the other cuz I wrote bad storys Now: Ive Had In School Suspension At Least 100 Times. Whoops.

62. Been arrested? 4y: Nope. Now: No

63. Ever been in love? 4y: I am right now.<<< Again With The Lying Autumn Now: Yes, And I Can Say That Honestly Without A Single Doubt Now. I Have Never Felt This Deeply For Anyone.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? 4y:  Never had one. Now: Oh Lord. It Was With My Friend Ely And We Were Listening To Sleeping With Sirens And Sitting On My Bed. He Put His Hand Over Mine And Asked If I Was Nervous, I Said Yes And We Kissed. 

65. Are you hungry right now? 4y: Yes. Now: Sort Of. 

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? 4y: What tumblr friends. Now: Again No Tumblr Friends. 

67. Facebook or Twitter 4y: Facebook Now: Facebook 68. Twitter or Tumblr? 4y: Tumblr Now: Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now? 4y: yes Now: Yep

70. Names of your bestfriends? 4y: Mariah, Kameron, Kati, Josh, Lexi, Lauren, Kevin Now: Kyler, Chris, Mariah, Talula, Deanna, Tristan, Kim

71. Craving something? 4y: What? Boyfriend. Now: To Cuddle My Boyfriend 72. What colour are your towels? 4y: anything. Now: Anything

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?  4y: 3 Or 4 Now: 4

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?  4y: No Now: No.  74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?  4y: Idkkkk Now: 3 With Me, The Rest Are In A Box Somewhere. 

75. Favourite animal? 4y: Cats and Dogs. Now: Cats, Dogs, Wolves, Foxes, All Pretty Similar. 

76. What colour is your underwear? 4y: Purple. << Glad To Know I Let Everyone Know What Color My Underwear Was At 13... Now: None Of Your Business.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? 4y: Vanilla Now: Either? They Are All Great, 

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? 4y: Vanilla or Green Mint Now: Green Mint Chocolate Chip, Vanilla Swirl, Chocolate Or Vanilla. 

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? 4y: Black Now: Grey And Black Stripped. 

80. What colour pants? 4y: Black Now: Blue With Snoopy And Woodstock On Them

81. Favourite tv show? 4y: Anime, Lost Girl, Animals, Crime shows Now: Eyewitness, Shadowhunters, Teen Wolf, The Flash, Pretty Little Liars, A Bunch Of Them Really.

82. Favourite movie? 4y: Breaking Dawn part 2 and Matilda Now: Matilda, Moana, Miss Peregrine's home for peculiar children, 

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? 4y: Mean girls. Now: Mean Girls

84. Breaking dawn part 1 or part 2? 4y: Part 2 Now: Part 2 I Guess?

85. Favourite character from Breaking dawn part 2? 4y: Alice and Jasper Now: Still Alice And Jasper. 

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? 4y: Squirt Now: Dory. 

87. First person you talked to today? 4y:Mariah Now: Kyler

88. Last person you talked to today? 4y: Mariah Now: Kyler

89. Name a person you hate? 4y: Everyone except friends and Close family Now: I Only Hate One Person And His Name Is Jacob. 

90. Name a person you love? 4y: Kameron Now: To Save Me From Writing A Long Ass List Im Just Gonna Go With The Romantic Love Which Is Kyler. 

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? 4y: YES. Now: Mostly Myself But Yes. 

92. In a fight with someone? 4y: Nope, I dont think so. Now: Nope

93. How many sweatpants do you have? 4y: I dunno Now: A Hell Of A Lot. 

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 4y: 3 or 4 Now: 2 :(

95. Last movie you watched? 4y: Breaking dawn part 2 Now: Moana

96. Favourite actress? 4y: Pauley Perrette Now: Idk

97. Favourite actor? 4y: Matthew Gray Gubler Now: Idk

98. Do you tan a lot? 4y: No Now: I Tan Easily? 

99. Have any pets? 4y:  2 one dog one cat. Now: A Dog

100. How are you feeling? 4y: I dunno Now: As Of Right Now, Nothing. 

101. Do you type fast? 4y: Yes. Now: Yep

102. Do you regret anything from your past? 4y:  Who doesn't? Now: Again Who Doesnt. 

103. Can you spell well? 4y: Yeah?? Now: Mostly. 

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? 4y: Of course. Now: Yes. 

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? 4y: Yes. Now: Yes. 

106. Ever Broken someone's heart? 4y: I dunno Now: Yep...

107. Have you ever been on a horse? 4y:YES. Now: Yep

108. What should you be doing? 4y: Writing my storys or Writing My boyfriends letter. Now; Probably Sleeping. 

109. Is something irritating you right now? 4y: No Now: Teen Wolf Season 5 Episode 9 Scott Doesnt Know How Donovan Really Died And Stiles Looks So Sad. SCOTT YOU STUPID PIECE OF TRASH BITE THAT POOR GIRL. 

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? 4y: Yeah Now: Yeppp

111. Do you have trust issues? 4y: Yeah Now: Yep

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? 4y: Momma Now: My Uncle

113. What was your childhood nickname? 4y Now:  Autie and Tootie

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? 4y: Yes Now: Yep. 

115. Do you play the Wii? 4y: Not anymore Now: Nope

116. Are you listening to music right now? 4y: No. Now: No. 

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? 4y: NO. << Caps? Why You Gotta Be So Loud About It? Now: Yes

118. Do you like Chinese food? 4y: Nope. Now: No

119. Favourite book? 4y:  The Immortals Series Now: House Of Night Series. 

120. Are you afraid of the dark? 4y: Depends on where Im at. Now: Depends On Where I Am. 

121. Are you mean?  4y: I can be. Now: Can Be. 

122. Is cheating ever okay?  4y: Are you serious? NO. DENIED. DO NOT DO IT. Now: No. 

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? 4y: LOL no Now: No. 

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? 4y: Yesh. Now: Yeah

125. Do you believe in true love? 4y: Yeah. Now: Yes. 

126. Are you currently bored? 4y: Yes Now: Yep. 

127. What makes you happy? 4y: Bf and Friends Now: Same. 

128. Would you change your name? 4y: Yesh. Now: Nah. 

129. What your zodiac sign? 4y: Scorpio

130. Do you like subway? 4y: No. Now: No. 

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 4y:  Id be cool Cause hes my BF. Now: Same, But If It Wasnt My Bf Id Probably Set The Record Straight.

132. Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with? 4y:Mariah Now: Mariah And Or Deanna. 

133. Favourite lyrics right now? 4y:  "With every sin I still Wanna Be holy." Now: “Heroine My Sweetest Sin I Cant Seem To Get Enough, Pull Me Under Wake Me Up Feel The Rush.  Morphine Lover Make Me Numb, Make It So I Can't Get Up. Paper Thin Till You Sink In, Could You Be My Heroine?”

134. Can you count to one million? 4y:  I guess if I wanted to. Now: Same

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? 4y:  "I said I was an 87 year old." Now: Probably That One. Idk. 

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?  4y: Closed Now: Closed. 

137. How tall are you? 4y: 5'2 Now: 5′3

138. Curly or Straight hair? 4y: Mine is Curly but I want straight. Now: Both. 

139. Brunette or Blonde? 4y: Brunette Now: Brunette

140. Summer or Winter? 4y: Summer Now: Winter. 

141. Night or Day? 4y: Night  Now: Night. 

142. Favourite month? 4y: July. Now: October

143. Are you a vegetarian? 4y: Nope Now: Nope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? 4y: Dark. Now: Milk. 

145. Tea or Coffee? 4y: Tea Now: Tea. 

146. Was today a good day? 4y: Yeah. Now: Yes

147. Mars or Snickers? 4y: Snickers Now: 

148. What's your favourite quote? 4y: “Each and every one of us has a fire that burns inside us and they can try like hell to put out that flame but as long as in our minds we know who we are meant to be, they don’t stand a chance.” -Andy Sixx Now: Uhhhh

149. Do you believe in ghosts? 4y: Yeah. Now: Yes.  150. Get the closet book next to you, open it to page 42, what's the first line on that page? 4y:  Found Out that Loren was really with Neferet and he didnt care about me at all, even though we'd imprinted. Now: No Books :(