#ive been forced to repress shit my entire life even if i dont want to and i dont think its been great for my mental health

[boycritter]

it was six months ago today.

[hecksupremechips]

Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨

[oh-for-fic-sake]

A Climb Chapter Two

Superman catches you again this time he follows through then delivers you to Clark.

Masterlist

Chapter One

Warnings:Adult situations +18, Slight Smut, Spanking ,Slight Daddy kink

A Climb Chapter Two

was two weeks later and you'd all but forgotten about your little interaction with the man of steel, well forgot repressed one of the two. You found yourself on a job with Clark, a bog standard peice on the the air quality in down town and you decided a birds eye veiw of traffic would suffice for the image maybe if you could get a traffic jam? That would be ideal. You made your way through town with him.

"So I want to do a birds eye view of downtown traffic, I was thinking by the shopping quater, you know where the shitty new intersection is?" He have you a side glance confused

"Yeah we could get a helicopter or somthing?" he said giving you a side glance you shook your head

"Nah no need I can find somewhere" he frowned at you stopping taking hold of your arm making you stop and face him

"Really theres no balconies there tho how would you get it?" You chuckled at him patting his arm always the sweet worry wort.

"Dont you worry Im a good climber Im sure I will find a way" his grip tightedn on your arm and he shook his head

"Absolutly not! no you are not risking your life for a photo we will do something else" you frowned that sounded familiar but you didn't dwell on it to irritated.

"Hey whoa I can do it Ive done it before-"

"I said no! You better not its to dangerous" he sounded stern you'd never seen him like this before, sweet lovable Clark trying to put his foot down? hell you didn't think he had it in him.

"Im serious" you sighed at him knowing you probably wont get any where with him

"Fine I wont god I will do something else" you said still intending to do it just without him knowing going to walk on he tugged you back to him pointing an accusing finger in your face.

"You say that like I dont know your still gonna try... I mean it y/n...You-you do and your ass is mine." You frowned tilting your head to stare at him

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you disobey me on this and I'm gonna toast your ass your not climbing. You could fall and then what? No not going to happen" You took a step back blushing brightly at his words he gave you a look he was serious.

"What the fuck you sound just like the boyscout"

"Boyscout?" You scoffed tugging your arm free and walking around him

"Nevemind doesnt matter" he growled at your dismissal following you into the office. Nothing else was mentioned that day but you was seething for two reasons one how dare he threaten you like that and two how dare your body get aroused over it....So you will admit you have a crush on the big teddy bear, well if you call being hoplessly in love with him a crush. You packed up your things up still in a temper as Clark came up behind you tall and brooding.

"Y/n I meant what I said earlier dont do it I will find out." You sighed then turned to him smileing bright

"Good night Clark see you tomorrow" then slipped away from him and out of the building. Once home you changed and headed out down towards the shopping quarter, it wasn't long befor you found yourself 12 stories up on one of the flat roofs laying on your front head behind the camara hanging over the edge taking photos of the manic traffic so focused on the task you didnt notice a certain hero landing behind you until.

"HOLY SHIT!" you jumped rolling over as someone tapped you with there foot, laying on your side you glared at him

"YOU? Again? Are you fucking mad?! What the hell you sneaking up on me for-Hey wait what are you doing?" The fire was sucked out of your second question as he just sighed hoisting you up one arm around your waist you wiggled and kicked out

"Hey let go! Put me down!" you tried beating on his abdomen but just hurt your own hands.

"What did I warn you last time?" You froze as he sat on a low brick wall taking you across his lap. You screeched finally realizing what he had planned.

"No! nonononono stop its for work! Please it was for work dont Spank me I'm sorry! Dont you dare touch me!!" you tried scrabbling away hissing and screeching like a banshee swaying between sounding scared and small to firey and livid , you was silenced momentarily by a swift slap on the backs of your thighs. You quickly tried to smother your back end with your hands

"Yes Clark told me to watch out for you tonight he also told me that he'd warned you against climbing." You frowned

"CLARK!? As in Kent? How the hell do you know him?!"

"I've been doing interviews for him and Lois for months" he explained casually...you had completely forgot about that

"Wait hold on You spoke to him? When? How the hell did you start talking about me? Did-did you tell him to-IT WAS YOU!! YOU TOLD HIM TO THREATEN TO SPANK ME?!?" He chuckled if only you knew

"Somthing like that yes...They have both told me about you in past interveiws, the photographer who is always jumping in head first I wasn't convinced until I found you on the crane. Clark wasnt happy when I let him know what you've been upto so I may have suggested a solution." You kicked out trying to twist away from him but he took it all in his stride.

"How dare you!? you are not my fucking keeper and neither is he!! I don't have to answer to either of you now let gooo!"

"You are not going anywhere until I have met out your punishment. And you want to hope that Clark doesnt decided to add to it he was very angry... He loves you ,you know" you froze turning to face him blushing your heart fluttering befor shaking your head

"Wh-what? Bullshit" he collected your hands in one holding them behind you

"Yes he does thats why he asked me to look out for you and after this I will be dropping you off to him, I'm sure he will have alot to say knowing just how naughty you have been" you squirmed around trying to break free from him only now realizing that he had captured your hands but to no avail.

"NOO! no please please don't do that"

"Do what? spank you or hand you over?"

"Both!" He sighed and tilted you forward striking your bottom his large hand covering it entirely you yelped loud as another spank was placed then another igniting a quick burn in the seat of your sweats quickly one after another was placed and you cried and yelped each time as the heat built very quickly yet you could feel your panties getting damp as each jolt of his palm forced you to clench making your clit throb below you. He was methodical and patient he took his time rubbing soothingly between spanks as he carefully brought your ass to a stinging throb. You whined low embarrassed as you could felt yourself heating up all over your nipples hard rubbing against your bra as you rocked forward with each well placed open palm on you bottom. It hurt burned even but not as much as it could have.

"I hope you feel ashamed of your self right now, I have never had to resort to this with anyone ever. Your just a naughty little brat!" his scolding made you groan, his words went straight to your clit that was straining against your wet panties you rubbed your thighs together slightly trying to ease your arousal. He paused pulling down your sweats you bucked harshly wriggling trying to throw him off but he just held tight tucking the waist band down your thigh's before peppering stinging hot slaps across your twitching thighs. you cried fat tears falling as it sunk in just how humiliating this was. He paid no mind concentrating on the task at hand trying to hold back his excitement as he glimpsed your damp panties leaving bright red hand prints all across your thighs and bottom painting it red. You withered under his palm kicking out and wailing as he blistered your ass efficiency finally giving in you mewled loud weeping slumped across his lap no longer trying to escape but just taking it crying your heart out.

"Pl-please I'm sorry I wont do it again please!" How could this have been your fantasy? being spanked until you truly cry with no hope of getting away, you covered your face partly in humiliation as even as the thoughts crossed your mind your walls were twitching rippling in on themselves throbbing hot and leaking even with your burning bruised bottom somewhat on display

"There not such a brat now with a hot bottom are you? are you going to behave now?"

"Y-yes pl-please stop it hurts pleeeeaasse!" you felt mortified as you begged feeling another small flood of arousal stick your panties to your puffy lips, wetting your clit making you moan into your hands you were going to cum. You gasped through your tears as the thought struck you. You couldn't, you held back clenching tight trying to stop the warmth coiling in your tummy a punishment in itself trying to hold back not wanting to humiliate your self like that in front of any one least of all him. What if he told Clark? he'd think you was a freak. He left one final heavy spank across the bottom curve of your swollen red cheeks almost catching your pussy making it twitch so close to cumming on him that you began crying almost hysterically. He pulled up your sweats tilting you up right in front of him still sobbing holding your face wiping your face trying to stop the tear gathering your bag he tucked his arm below your sore ass making you hiss."Hold on" was all the warning you got before he took of from the roof heading back to the residential side of town landing on the roof. Placing you on your feet handing you your bag and opened the fire escape that lead into the building.

"Number 14 and I will be out here watching, if I have to come in there then you will get another spanking" you whined looking up at him pathetically.

"P-please take me home- I d-don't want to-"

"Get in there now young lady!" you squeaked running through the door not wanting to argue and risk getting another ass whopping from him. Once inside you crept down the stairs you knew where Clark lived, you'd been here a few times for coffee or going threw photos with him for the articles. You sniffed wiping your nose and eyes trying to pull yourself together you sighed and knocked quietly on his door head down not entirely sure what to expect you didn't have long to dwell on it  as he opened the door standing aside

"In" was all he said you shuffled in past him as he slammed the door shut you jumped whimpering feeling tears well again as you fidgeted in front of him.

"He told me already...Why? why did you disobey me?" you shrugged not looking up feeling ashamed that superman had aready told him what had happened. He lifted your face to look at him the crossed his arms

"Y/n I wont ask again" you avoided his eyes shifting from one foot to the other.

"I just wanted to get a good photo.... wasn't that high." he  locked his jaw tilting his head to the side before snapping at you

"High enough!! and if you fell, you know Im glad I asked him to watch out for you! I was terrified when he told me he found you up a fucking crane. A crane? y/n, but I though that a near death experience and a threat from him would do it but no, you just go running off doing what you want." you looked up at him

"Clark stop I'm hurt and upset and don't need a lecture from you! the only reason I'm here is because he made me. quit yelling at me!!"

"I know that, and Im glad he seems to have left an impression because thats what you need!"

"And how do you know what I need? WHy do you care anyway? no one asked you to!! just butt out!!" you shouted stomping at him throwing your bag to the floor wiping your eyes,upset, frustrated aroused and still confused as fuck. He squared his shoulders

"No I will not but out!!" you gripped your hair just about read to cry again

"Why?!"

"Because I love you!" you gasped at him stepping back

"What?" you asked quietly shaking your head trying to back away he followed pulling you to him in a tight hug tucking you below his chin trapping you.

"I love you and I don't want to loose you, thats why I wont butt out, not any more, fuck sake I got superman to keep and eye out, I thought it'd be enough. Knowing that he was watching you, but its not. I want to be there, to look after you, protect you myself" you sniffled then wrapped your arms around him wetting his shirt with your silent tears shaking with your sobs everything was catching up to you, he sighed rubbing your back.

"I didn't mean to, I just wanted it to be good I was careful, I always am I promise"

"You were hanging off the side y/n thats not being careful" he scolded lightly hoisting you up getting you to wrap your legs around him you hissed as his hands settled on your ass he chuckled.

"Wow he did do a number on you huh? I can feel the heat through these bottoms" you flushed tucking your face into his neck.

"Claaarrk stop" you whined he just continued to his bed room taking you with him kissing your head.

"I'll let you off this time as he has done my job for me, but don't expect it again and Ive asked him to keep an eye out for you from now on" you nuzzled him as he laid down with you on his bed before pulling off your trainers and sweats you blushed trying to cover yourself not wanting him to see proof of you punishment he batted your hands away then whistled low

"Wow he really did lay into you..I can see why you came down he like he told you to...remind me to thank him." you pouted at him

"Nooo stooop it" rolling over hiding your face as he poked the underside of your cheeks peeking out from your panties. Before he leaned down placing a quick kiss on each making you jolt up he only pushed you back down trailing kisses up your back then sucked on the back of your neck you whined feeling his weight on top of you tilting your head to the side.

"Cl-clark what?-" he shushed you then started suckling lightly lathering your neck with his tongue and teeth you gasped rubbing your thighs together the feeling of his trousers on your hot skin made it sting in the best way your clit began throbbing you grinded it against the covers below you sighing, your not sure just how this happened but you didn't care in this moment choosing to indulge. He pulled back rocking lightly against you holding your hips still making you moan, spreading your legs trying to make him slip between them he did placing his knees at your thighs spreading them.

"And whats this?" you snapped out of it realizing your mistake trying to close your legs but it was to late as he moved a hand to your soaked panties, you tried dragging yourself from under him but he placed a solid hand to the curve of your back prodding at you, you arched keening as his fingers began to explore rubbing slow circles slowly building you up, you panted unable to stop rocking on him, coating your slit in your own arousal pulling his hand up before your face letting you see your own mess coating his fingers you turned away mortified he rolled beside you with a cheeky grin still waving his coated fingers in front of you.

"I wonder what caused this then? seems someone has a little secret" he wiped it off on the pillow by your face digging his fingers into your sore ass massaging a little making you moan

"Ah, I know maybe my little spitfire has just wanted to be tamed all along? I should have known, all the bratting and false bravado was just to get daddies attention... well now you have it, and you'll have to endure it" you tensed as his voice lowered as he whispered in your ear you shuddered before leaning in kissing him innocently at first but quickly taking your breath away as he cupped the back of your head tasting you it felt like he trying to devour you just as quick as it began he pulled back with a cheeky grin.

"Good night babe" he lied down on his side dragging you close holding you against him.

"Wh-what Clark hey don't- you can't go to sleep now?" he peeked an eye open at you

"Your not getting to cum tonight oh no after the stunt you pulled? or have you forgotten. Maybe tomorrow if you behave" you gaped at him slapping him lightly

"Noo thats not fair Clark you cant just leave me like this!" he gave a quick slap to your ass making you jolt against him

"Ouch!"

"Carry on you'll get another, now sleep we can talk in the morning" you pouted wriggling deeper into the covers

"Hey Clark... I-I love you to" you placed a quick kiss on his chest he just smiled hugging you closer.

"Good, now sleep"

[angrylizardjacket]

ask your destiny to dance [16] {Roger Taylor}

[masterpost]

“I can’t speak to her.” Roger’s got his head on a bar in a pub that’s not Ash’s.

“Can I go back to pretending I don’t know what was going on?” Brian asks, taking a long sip of his drink and gazing out at the crowd. It’s been over a week since Ash had stayed over, and they hadn’t seen her since. It’s not like she’d even asked about him, or made a move to contact him; sometimes they go a full fortnight before seeing one another, but Roger’s been fretting for almost eight days internally, and for the past twenty minutes externally, since he’d finished his first drink.

“She said she loves me.” Roger groaned, lifting his head to weakly order another pint. 

“From what you’ve told me, she wasn’t even fully conscious; it’s not like it counts.” Brian had never seen Roger downright distressed like this, it would be funny if it wasn’t bordering on annoying.

“No, that means she was extra honest,” Roger groaned, downing half his beer in on go, to which Brian could only roll his eyes.

“Or she was still asleep and thought you were Jack Nicholson.” After a beat, Brian goes back to watching Roger brood over his glass. “Boo hoo, Rog,” he shoved the blonde lightly, to which Roger just leveled a glare at him, “a girl you’ve been seeing for months maybe has feelings for you. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

“It’s only been since I broke up with Kristin,” he’s adamant about that and Brian lets him have it, for now. In retrospect, he feels like an idiot for not seeing it sooner; Brian’s not sure when it started, but it’s definitely a lot longer than Roger’s willing to admit. “And it doesn’t mean nothing, but it also... it’s never meant something. Like it’s something but it’s not something. It’s just fucking around and having fun.” And Roger swivels on the bar stool, joining Brian in looking out over the crowd, before they spot Freddie crashing through the door, making a beeline for them once he’d spotted them.

“Alright, what did I miss?” Freddie asked, though the other two were quiet as he ordered a beer. Before either could get a word in edgewise, Freddie props his chin on his hand on the bar, and announces; “Roger you look like shit, what’s wrong?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s in love with Ash, and he thinks she’s in love with him.” Brian says blithely, and Freddie nods with understanding as Roger tells them to both sod off, and he stalks through to join the crowd on the dance floor. “She said she loved him in her sleep.” Brian explains, taking the chair Roger just freed, sliding into place beside Freddie.

“I’ve never seen him this worked up about someone before.” Freddie admitted, and Brian nodded in agreement, the two of them barely able to see his blonde hair for the crowd, and they lost sight of him soon enough.

“What do you think? Has Ash said anything?” Brian’s gaze slides to Freddie’s who just rolls his eyes.

“I think my dear Ash has never in her life loved a man who’s deserved it,” Freddie mused, though his lips twisted into a smirk, “that’s not to say she’s a saint, far from it, but compared to the others, Roger is a breath of fresh air.” 

“Isn’t that a sad thought.” Brian said faintly, before heaving a sigh. “Well, I know we haven’t been here long,” he got to his feet, finishing off his drink and looking around for his housemate, “but if I don’t drag him home he’s going to do something stupid in his current state.”

“Like that pretty, brunette thing over there?” Freddie asks, pointing to where Roger’s already got his lips on a wavy-haired brunette at the side of the room. Freddie’s pretty sure he sees Brian’s soul leave his body for a moment, and watches everything play out like a terrible Shakespearean comedy for which he was the only audience member.

“He’s a danger to himself.” Brian takes Freddie’s drink from his hands and takes a long gulp before passing it back, though Freddie doesn’t seem likely to complain.

“He seems rather fine,” Freddie watches Roger go in for a hickey on the girl with a morbid, voyeuristic interest, taking another sip of his drink, “and you know he and Ash aren’t technically exclusive.” 

“Yeah but there’s three options here; Ash finds out and gets pissed and I have to hear about it because apparently now that I know I’m all in on this disaster,” Brian lists on his fingers with a theatricality Freddie had rarely seen from him before, though he’d rarely seen Brian this exasperated before, so perhaps it was merely that, “two, Ash isn’t pissed, sleeps with someone else, and Roger gets pissed because he’s in love with her-”

“Which is unfair, what a tremendous double standard.”

“Yes, we all know Roger’s a hypocrite.” Brian sighed, casting a glance over his shoulder at Roger, before turning back to Freddie.

“And three?” The other man prompted, and Brian picked up his empty pint glass.

“I kill him with this glass because I’m sick of his sulking.” He says bluntly, and Freddie’s all for the third option, but he begrudgingly helps pull Roger away, to which the drummer complains the whole time.

“Where are we going?” Roger demands to know when they head in the opposite direction of his apartment, a sentiment that Brian mirrors, though he doesn’t seem inclined to question Freddie’s direction outright. Freddie always had a plan. The man in question wrapped an arm around Roger’s shoulders.

“You’re going to confront your problems, Rog.” He sounds so decisive, as if it wasn’t a plan he’d come up with as they were leaving the bar, and Roger tries to scramble his way out of it, but Brian’s fed up enough with Roger’s complete inability to do anything but run from his problems that he’s willing to take Roger’s arm in an almost iron grip.

“It’ll do both of us a world of good.” Brian tells him as Roger glowers at his housemate.

“You don’t get to decide what’s good for me; what’s good for me was that girl at the bar, she smelled nice and was about three minutes away from banging me in that bathroom.” Roger snarled, wrenching himself out of their grips, though he didn’t run this time, crossing his arms over his chest as he walked with them.

“Rog, we’re not gonna let you ruin a good-” But Brian’s gentle sigh was cut off by more of the blonde blustering.

“That’s so presumptuous!” He stopped in his tracks, scowling between both of his band-mates. “You’re both wankers, selfish fucking wankers. This is kidnapping.” He snaps.

“Fine; if you want to leave, we’re not stopping you.” Freddie offers, gesturing freely at the path behind them. “We’re just trying to help.” 

Roger stomped the entire walk to Ash’s apartment. 

“What the fuck, guys.” She opens the door with her hair in a messy bun, wearing a pair of sweat pants and a ratty, oversized Beatles shirt. “How did you get in?” 

“Your RA let us in; sorry for the interruption, just had to deliver this idiot.” Brian gave Roger’s shoulder a nudge. Roger is looking at anything but Ash. His latest drink had hit him about the same time as he got to her block, and now that he can smell the vanilla candle she likes to burn in her room just beyond her, he just wants to curl up and go to sleep under her duvet. Or fuck her. He’s not quite sure.

“Can I return to sender?” She asks without hesitation, and Roger rolls his eyes. Freddie shoves him forward.

“No.” 

Ash doesn’t move, just frowns as Roger stumbles into her space, and she’s automatically got a hand on his chest to steady him. Roger doesn’t seem like he’s there completely of his own free will, but he doesn’t move away from her, even as both Brian and Freddie leave, muttering something about him being ‘her problem now’.

“Care to explain?” She asked, gently walking him backwards and closing her door behind herself. The two of them make their way to the common area, and Roger sits up on the kitchen counter as Ash pours him a glass of water.

“Not really.” He said, sipping the water loudly and swinging his legs so his heels kick the cupboards below. Ash looks like the very sight of him exhausts her, but she rests her hands on her thighs, pressing herself against his legs to still them. “We can fuck whoever we want, Ash.” He says, seriously, and he sees the exact moment she realised the reason for his forced meeting, and he watched her expression fall.

“Yeah of course.” She agrees, crestfallen expression turning quickly to faux apathy. “Did you have fun?” But her heart wasn’t in it.

“They pulled me away, brought me here before anything really happened.” He huffed, taking another long sip. Ash stepped away, yawning loudly and sinking into a chair at the dining table. After a beat, Roger hums thoughtfully. “Ash, what do I mean to you?” And it’s so nonchalant it actually hurts Ash a little.

“I think that’s a really shitty thing to ask right now.” Her answer is automatic, she can’t look at him. “And I think you’re drunk.” 

“Ash...” It does register in his mind that he’s said the wrong thing, and it breaks his heart to see her too tired to repress her emotions like she usually would in this situation. Perhaps she assumes he won’t even remember this tomorrow. “Ash, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Yeah, I know.” She says softly. “You’re always sorry, and I’m always sorry, and there’s always someone else that feels like a mistake, even though we don’t technically need to apologise.” Shaking her head, she sighs deeply. “This isn’t the time for this conversation.” She admits, and standing, she takes his hand. “Come to bed, Rog.” 

When they’re back in her room, she pulls off her sweat pants and offers them to him without even thinking about it, and he’s quiet, forlorn when he takes them, changing into the borrowed pyjamas. Ash is already tucked into bed when he turns back, back to him, pressed as close to the wall as she can get with her head pillowed on her hand, not even attempting to co-opt some of the pillow for herself. There’s sewing equipment out, obviously still in use in the corner of her room, a blouse half sewn and still in the machine where it was left when it’s creation had been interrupted by a knock at the door.

When he slides into bed beside her, reaches out to rest a hand on her shoulder - an apology? a reassurance? just a need for human contact? - she shrugs him off, murmurs a quiet ‘don’t’. 

“I panicked.” They’re back to back, and the bedside lamp has been turned off. Roger isn’t even sure if Ash is still awake. He speaks into the silence, made honest by the hour and his inebriation. “You told me you loved me and I panicked.”

“Roger... I never said that.” Ash’s voice was confused in the darkness, and Roger feels like his whole world has fallen out from under him. He’s spent over a week considering whether or not she’d remember; if it had been real, whether she’d really meant it, but he’s never quite sure which answer would hurt more.

“You... were mostly asleep.” He admits, and he can feel the way Ash sighs heavily, the shift of her back against his as she tries not to hear it.

“Wow, imagine what kinky shit you and the girl from the bar would have gotten up to if I’d meant it.” She just sounds tired, as though she was trying to end the conversation, as though she hadn’t just shattered Roger’s heart. After a beat, she laughed humorlessly. “What are we doing, Roger?”

“I think Brian’s right.” And his words are enough to startle a weak laugh from Ash. “I want this to be about more than sex, I think.”

“You’re drunk and panicking; don’t worry, I’ll still work with the band if this goes south.” Ash says. Roger won’t take that, can’t let himself fall into the trap of panicking like he’d already fallen into that night. Turning, Roger presses his lips to the back of her neck, and Ash doesn’t like to think about how good it makes her feel.

“I’m sorry-” He tries, but she cuts him off.

“I heard you the first time.” Voice terse, she crosses her arms awkwardly over her chest. “Roger the idea of being with you fucking terrifies me.” She admits, raw and honest, glad he can’t see how conflicted she was. “You were so worried that I was in love with you that you almost slept with someone else, and for what? Were you worried you were losing control of your life? Didn’t want to be tied down?” Roger’s got an arm on her shoulder, rubbing comfortingly as she speaks, and he can feel her shaking.

“I know I’m not a saint, okay, love?” Roger admits, and Ash takes a long moment to consider his words, leaning back a little into his touch, before answering.

“Neither of us are, Roger, and that’s why what we have is so good right now.” Her voice has softened, and Roger stays quiet. “We can talk about it tomorrow.” She says gently, before reaching to link her fingers with his where he’s got his hand on her shoulder. She pulls him closer, and Roger makes a low hum, pressing a quick kiss to her shoulder.

When the morning comes, things are quiet and golden. Neither one knows what to say to the other, but Ash still gets him a cup of tea in the morning, and when he sees the cup with the little cat face on it, Roger feels something tighten in his chest. 

“Let’s try this, please.” He asks, expression sincere when he looks at where Ash is tucking herself back into bed, pressing herself against his side. The look she gives him is confused, and then it blooms into something hopeful. “I’m not fucking around here, I mean it.”

When she kisses him, her hand is warm where it had been holding her teacup, and she’s smiling against her lips. There’s a tension in her shoulders, and he can’t stop playing her words back over again in his head, ‘the idea of being with you fucking terrifies me’ and it’s clear that feeling hasn’t vanished over night.

But she’s willing to try.

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[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 4 (Cont)

The gremlin challenges Tsubasa, a Symphogear, whose entire shtick is to sing to channel power, to sing.

It dawns on her, however, that Tsubasa is part Greninja. Tsubasa used Shadow-Weaving! It’s super effective.

“tell me, you jellyfish looking weirdo...”

“hey- hey, time out. are you gonna do what i think you’re gonna do. this is gonna like, kill you. you know that, right? that you will literally die? you do understand you can just retreat now or- or just take hibiki away, right? i even told you that was the whole point of this... uh... oh shit.”

“ARE YOU READY TO JAM”

“tsubasa please i will literally lend you my remaining brain cell to stop you from this really stupid mistake”

Dad has entered the server.

“oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. oh my god. o- ryoko. stop breathing on me. this isnt helping my anxiety over my adopted daughter figure literally preparing to kill herself over my commands.”

“sorry babe its just the asthma, forgot my inhaler”

“i cannot FUCKING believe of ALL the opponents i had to fight i had to fight the DUMBEST one on the goddamn block, you idiot, you absolute dunce, RETHINK THIS”

“OH GOD SHE’S DOING IT! SHE’S DOING IT! THE ABSOLUTE MADWOMAN- FUCK- FUCK! GET ME OUT OF HERE! FUCK! FUCK!”

“just used up my last brain cell for this attack, pal. you’re through.”

“NAH, EAT ASS YOU- YOU GODDAMN MANIAC”

“HAHA YEAH, GOT YOU NOW, SLOW WALKING, DRAMA INDUCIN’, PURPLE RAIN CHANN-”

“OH GOD! YOU TELEPORTED! YOU’VE GOT SV_CHEATS SET TO 1, DON’T YOU! NOCLIPPING LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS GET OUT OF MY FACE”

“WHOA WHOA WHOA WHAT THE FUCK WHOA I KNOW I CRACKED SOME JOKES BUT WE LITERALLY JUST MET AND I- I GOTTA KNOW PEOPLE FIRST BEFORE THIS SHIT AND- OH GOD PLEASE STOP”

“OH GOD! THIS... RAW, GAY, REPRESSED ENERGY... IT’S... TOO STRONG...”

The gremlin could not begin to comprehend Tsubasa’s intense love for incredibly well-built redheaded women.

Hibiki can, though.

“SO......... MUCH........... SAUCE...................”

“.................................................”

The gremlin retreats after getting her licks. This scene subtly implied something; the Nehushtan armor she wears regenerates over time, which means no matter how much damage it sustains, it will always return in one piece. The same can’t be said for the user, though.

Hibiki runs to Tsubasa, checking if she’s okay, totally oblivious to the gravity of what just happened.

“i came just as i could and ive brought happy meals for everyone”

Genjuro asks if Tsubasa is okay.

I dunno man, this is a pretty tough judgement call here. I mean, is she okay? Pain is a pretty subjective experience, after all.

“oh my god i get it. i get the joke she implied. she wanted to jam. she’s jammed! cause it- it looks like jam! no, wait, its more like sauce...”

It dawns on Hibiki that people actually do die during this job.

Tsubasa, as it turns out, survived her Swan Song. It makes sense that she would because she was naturally receptive to her relic, Ame-No-Habakiri. Still, the injury comes with great gravity. She’s benched for the next season, and it’s likely she’s gonna miss the playoffs.

Stuck on a respirator on the edge of life, Tsubasa will probably look back at this and go, “Gosh, I was such a wild child. Haha. Almost dying and all.”

Hibiki wraps her single braincell around the idea of death. Most main characters aren’t familiar with the concept of death, you see, because most don’t die. But this is Season One Symphogear. Flirting with death is common.

Ogawa comes in to comfort her.

“dumbass had her opponent bound and the gremlin still escaped anyway”

Ogawa then explains shit we already know. Thanks, Ogawa.

“in summation: i get where you’re coming from, but stop fucking saying ‘im gonna replace kanade’, please, im begging you”

Hibiki FINALLY gets it, and naturally upon realizing, feels really bad for it. A real right and true asshole.

“oh thank god i was worried not even that was going to get to you”

Meanwhile, in Tsubasa’s mind...

“ah fuck me. im trapped in metaphor limbo. see, im falling because i clipped my wing, cause i nearly died, you know, like icarus and shit”

“hold up my gay senses are tingling”

Her senses confirmed. Kanade is in her mind, in probably the most romantic metaphor possible. There is absolutely no way to interpret all of this platonically.

Tsubasa is literally submerged in a sea of her own emotions...

Involving Kanade, and how she strives to be like her and honor her memory.

SHE LITERALLY DROWNS IN THOSE EMOTIONS, SUBMERGING DEEPER INTO THE WATER.

Tsubasa, in her Symphogear Brand Medical Cocoon for the Dumb and Beaten Down, quietly slumbers in her semi-comatose state as she wrestles the water metaphors of her own sexual identity.

The poor thing just misses her girlfriend.

Meanwhile, Hibiki sits and thinks more than usual. In a flashback, Genjuro muses about how The Gremlin wanted to kidnap Hibiki.

“i dunno maybe The Gremlin’s super lonely or shit”

“i mean if thats the case ill just adopt her too”

Since Tsubasa is away, Hibiki has to pick up the quota for teenage angst in the 2nd Division. Unfortunately, she has very big shoes to fill, but Hibiki isn’t one for slacking in the misery department. She blames herself for everything.

“im really going to fire the therapist we have around here for being pretty damn useless”

“can i be the therapist?”

“ryoko i am absolutely begging you to filter your bad ideas given the several teenage crises we’re dealing with right now”

Hibiki then yells out, for what is possibly the third time, out of the blue:

“I HAVE PEOPLE I WANT TO PROTECT”

The flashback ends.

And speaking of girlfriends.

“there is no force on this planet stopping me from having some quality fucking time with my girlfriend damnit”

Miku points out Hibiki has been pretty lonely. Says she heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from another she was messin’ ‘round.

Unfortunately, Miku is a goddamned chad.

Immediate handholding. Make no mistake. Behind those soft-spoken eyes lies an absolute master.

“o-oh, my hand, you’re holding it, so smoothly”

“hibiki, you’re my sunshine. i want to soak up your rays so hard that every piece of flesh of my body is horribly mutilated from skin cancer.”

“jesus christ miku at least use sunscreen in your metaphors”

“ill use them just for you, hibiki. just for you.”

Their relationship is interesting. When one of them is sad, the other sorta acts as an angst vacuum. You’ll see them flip flop with their points of misery with each other, but when together, those problems always melt away.

Of course, emphasis on being together. Season 1 is the worst with keep them away from each other.

“Just Be Yourself!” Miku Kohinata, Symphogear, 2012.

“fuck me, you’re right. im the protagonist. i cant just eat shit here the whole time. i gotta do protagonist things!”

“was that an invitation?”

“another time. but now... let’s just catch up.”

And so, they laugh together about how the recorded footage of the meteor shower was all black. Truly the greatest couple of all time.

It is this realization of being her own self, coupled with her renewed gay energy, and new perspective on what she must do, that causes everything to go uphill for her from here. Take note.

Here is where a God is truly born.

Tachibana Hibiki.

The end of this episode cuts to a specific dojo.

Genjuro’s dojo.

“i dont fuck around with training, even though i probably should have trained you sooner. you sure about this?”

“dadman either you do this or i will most definitely die next time”

Part of their training involves watching action movies, because Genjuro is so unreal that he should frankly be a fictional character in the very universe he exists in.

Fucking adorable.

“im so conflicted its so clear she’s part of /fit/ now but i cant help but imagine her washboard abs”

Hibiki balls even harder at karaoke now, due to her Symphogear training, and not because she’s secretly Aoi Yuki playing a recolored version of Madoka.

Her significant other is mildly terrified at the superhuman that is slowly unfolding her powers before her eyes.

In the end, things all reach their logical conclusion.

Hibiki becomes a Tekken character, just like Genjuro.

Of course... Miku pushes the fact very subtly that she would never hide anything from Hibiki...

Turmoil brews in the worst way... soon...

[wondermentishere]

its kinda wild how fast feelings can change and what can call it to.

e•motion

im back in dallas now. just got done spending the last two days (involuntarily) in atlanta. i had to go down to finish mailing off the rest of my things from my old apartment. i kinda want to write this entry in a physical journal but... im in the bathtub now, its nearly 8 am, and i dont feel like it. 😂 anyway, yes ive been pretty miserable and confused. very angry in a stuck place that i didnt feel like i could move on from. until yesterday, ive been trying to piece together and make sense of a tragedy all on my own. for months... years even ive tried my best to get the person i was in a relationship with to open up all the way to me. i wanted them to slow down and process their actions so i could know what was going on in real time. i struggled to always maintain a safe space for their truth even when mine was discouraged from being shared.

seeing my partner flip into someone i could no longer understand and being forced to deal with their unacceptable behavior has been alot for me. i was minimized, gaslighted, mocked, discarded, and devalued and never understood why. the entire time i l begged for her input. i needed an explanation and she couldnt give me one... until yesterday. i truly thought i was beginning to crack the code on her. i found videos on narcissistic abuse and just based on my experiences and assumptions alone i couldve easily classify our relationship as that. and thats exactly what ive began to do ever since i moved out, but it never felt 100% right. it was just something to fill in all the holes to a story that would allow me to accept and understand my reality enough to move on. to think ive been with a cold blooded narcissist this entire time made me so angry beyond belief. she definitely shares traits, but thats not who she is. and this last conversation proved it. ive been watching videos on what results id get from confronting a narcissist and what professionals have detailed have definitely aligned with what ive been dealing with the past few months. but i was still able to see how the pressure of our environment and having no real space could cause someone to act out and repress their emotions the way thats shes done. so i still took my chance. and also im a tropical scorpio moon with a sidereal libra moon lol. aint no way imma let a chapter completely close without real communication. its so important to me. cause i got some shit to say always lol and also i know the other person does too. its never something i want to miss out on; i know the value of it all.

writing our relationship off as a narcissist abuse case wouldve meant that everything about our relationship was a lie and i didnt believe truthfully that it was. i was so angry and in the process of demonizing my ex partner that it was easy for me to apply such a terribly detached diagnosis. this way id never need her input again in life if she wasnt ever going to be willing to give me one. there definitely were some crazy unbelievably disrespectful moments, especially in the end, but that wasnt all our relationship was. and i needed her honesty to verify that.

i dont feel like writing anymore i’ll finish later lol

[vadre]

honestly me just word vomiting onto a textpost 

tw: sex, trauma, dubcon shit, booze, exes 

fuckin. as far as trauma that i just havent even fuckin touched yet sex is pretty much the only thing still left (i think? ya ever get so good at repressing ur emotions that u cant tell if youre actually ok w shit or not anymore, its goddamn terrifying bc its like walking on eggshells but with my own fucking brain) and like. THAT is what i zeroed in on when ex called 2 weeks ago, n like. distressed is the fuckin understatement of the century so ofc i drank myself into oblivion (and got a tattoo but i was actually planning on doing that anyway but then this shit happened and it went from wanting to get one to Needing It and i got it in a more painful spot which my artist warned me about and i had 2 refrain from sayin morbid shit like “thats ideal actually, my good dude”) BUT yeah uuhh friend and i ended up like. i cant say “accidentally fucking” bc thats not possible but i was fucking. blackout drunk and genuinely dont remember most of what happened (which is so fucking scary the more i think about it hahaha) and i woke up with Regret™ and friend seemed like. perfectly fine but he picked up on my awkwardness soon enough and things pretty immediately got real weird btwn us (which also sucked, bc like. i’d been spending most every weekend w him, we were gettin v close and it was at that point where we knew each other well in terms of “hey u wanna hear about the fucked up shit thats happened in my life??!?” but Not the close u can get w someone only after knowing them for a long ass time, which is. a frustrating place 2 be when u wanna know what the Fucc someone is thinking) but then we talked the whole thing over and basically like. so im a v affectionate drunk in that if im comfy w u i can get touchy and that kind of shit and hes a Fucking Straight Cishet Dude so ofc he was just. “aah ok so theyre coming onto me” (which is So Fucking Funny bc i dont “””come onto””” people to start but also like,, he was/is so firmly placed in strictly no-fucking friendship area its wild and i kinda wanna tell him this but ik i shouldnt) and then the shit ensued but from my perspective for like. the nearly 2 weeks we just Didnt Talk About It he just randomly decided to kiss me and my drunk reasoning is pretty much perpetually “oh ok this is happening then” and things ujst kinda,, kept happening even after i puked in his fuckin room which i did/do feel terrible about but then. the part that will never stop bothering me is that he fuckin. didnt stop afterwards? and i. it was way way way too close to like. w shitty ex the dynamic as far as sex went was essentially “i mean, i dont have an option in that i dont want any trouble, its just easier to do this and fucking get it over with” (actually that was pretty much our entire dynamic) and like. idk the feeling of not having an option (i remember verbally consenting, but that being said i also dont remember anything else so like. i was not in a good headspace and wouldve agreed to anything if im being honest with myself) struck way too close to home esp in that like. the thing that fucking drove me to blackout drinking (ive never rly done that before lmao) was my shitty fucking ex calling and forcing me to recall all the shitty fucking things she did, especially regarding fucking, and i dont wanna call it a repeat situation at all bc they truly are different scenarios but there really isnt a worse time where i couldve had fucking dubcon sex and like. the reaction friend had when i basically told him “hey so uuhhh i dont remember shit, i was not coming onto you, you fucking kept going after i puked” was him profusely apologizing and being generally self deprecating (honestly like. everything that happened is easily forgivable, but again the puking thing was kind of an indicator that i wasnt in any state to be consenting, which his drunk ass evidently didnt understand) but im still uncomfortable w the entire thing even if it is like. resolved? i guess? and he thinks things are perfectly fine back to normal which is honestly kinda even more frightening? like he doesnt know what to do, frankly i dont know what i want him to do, but i just hate that he was becoming a close friend and then. this. this is also a more immediate issue so i have yet another excuse to put off dealing w traumatic experiences relating to ex :)))

but yeah im screaming     

[pxychrometrics]

Hi guys, I am a pathetic godless fapping piece of shit and have decided to embark on the journey of NoFap! Wish me luck as I capture the hearts of millions of women who find themselves enthralled by my celibate non cooming aura.

Day 1 of nofap: guys i finally got something done today beside sitting on me fat ass rubbing my meat stick I feel like this is the beginning of something good

Day 10 of nofap: good news guys I got promoted today and I been told I look more like a normal human being. I can keep the sexual urges away as long as I keep in mind the bright future that awaits me, a proud fapstronaut.

Day 160 of nofap: so uhh i been running for president and the odds seem good Anyway citizen be sure to abide the law, gotta scratch my balls now they been itching lately.

Day 560 of nofap: the world and her people have all united under my reign. I have attained complete control of this insignificant space rock with its small minded inhabitants. My genitalia ache for sexual relief but I have made up my mind to see this through to the end.

Day 3490 of nofap: yesterday i conquered the remaining galaxies within the Hydra-Centaurus supercluster and extinguished any organic remnants that resided within. My power yet grows though now the side effects have become clear as I destroy numerous solar systems out of my sexual frustation. I have therefore encased my nether regions with neutron star residue that should be able to withstand any and all force, for now.

Day ERROR: TEMPORAL COLLAPSE IMMINENT of nofap, the only lifestyle befitting of a youthful young man such as myself, I wonder if Ive become any more acctractive to the girls. Are my eyes looking livelier? I cant tell as im being blinded by the light of NUMBER supernovas at once. Anyway, to give you guys an update, the magnitude of my might exceeds even the boundaries of the universe. I no longer detect any remaining lifeform and thus fear that I can no longer containn the tendency to COOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM, pardon me, to ejaculate the sperm cells residing within in my prostate that has been locked away for many eons as of now. The truth is, I am entirely capable of removing my self imposed constraints, the prospect of settling down with a nice HOMO SAPIENS SAPIENS OF THE XX TYPE LIFEFORM TIER: INSUFFICIENT THIS SPECIMEN HAS YET TO ATTAIN GODHOOD is the one thing that motivates me, but I am thinking that I dont quite yet exert the aura of an attractive non cooming young adult, and thus I shall continue the challenge of Nofap.

DAY TWO SINCE ENTERING METATIME of nofap: Its going good, except its not. I no longer am able to direct the frustation resulting from repressing my masturbatory compulsions at something, as nothing is left. I cracked the barrier to the neighbouring multiverses and I devoured them all in the pursuit of the ideal nofap lifestyle. The void encompasses my cold yet omnipotent body, and it merely returns my gaze with an erotic stare. Wait did I say Erotic OH GOD NO GOD DAMMNIT IT S SO FFF FUCKIGN SEXY THE WAY IT DOES nothing AND THE MANNER IN WHICH IT SHOWS OFF ITS BEAUTIFUL emptiness MAKES ME WANT TO DO. IT. I KNOW NO LONGER HOLD ANY REASON FOR EXISTING OTHER THAN TO BUST THIS FATTEST OMNIPOTENT FUCKING NUT THE OMNIVERSE HAS WITNESSED SINCE THE BIG BANG, MY SPERM IS THE SEED THAT SHALL SHAPE REALITY ANEW BEHOLD MY PLEASURE OH GOD i nut

13.772 billion years A.C (after coom)

Anon finds himself displeased with his pathetic way of life after rubbing one out to utterly degenerate midget vore furry scat mexican sugar dancing porn, and sets his eyes towards the well recognized self improvement challenge named NoCoom, and envisions for himself a bright future filled with wealth and prestige. Little did he know that he had been preordained by the laws of Cumsality to bring the current reality to a conclusion once again, all so that the cycle may continue and the seed for the next Cumverse may sprout.

-----

“.....I have NO words.”

[mercenarypark]

medic hcs

Em made a big hc post for heavy a few days ago [here] and ive been meaning 2 finally do the same w/ medic bcause im gay

note: while i try to be brief about the details, this post is about a gay jewish man in Germany during wwii. to set aside any initial worries, no, he is never kept in the camps- as a jewish person myself it sickens me deep in my stomach to even think of that possibility. but there’s still mentions of n/zism and antisemitism, as one would expect.

also, a fair amount of the details of my medic hcs for his childhood are based on the german side of my family, primarily my grandfather and his father. while i still only know a little about my family history[tm], details like medic’s last name, how his family were able to lay low, etc, are based on the little bits and pieces ive heard from my grandmother #antisemitism #nazism #homophobia #transphobia #satanism #long post #text heavy #tf2 #gore text #medical abuse #malpractice #experimentation mention 

-Medic was born roughly around 1925- he’s in his early 40s around when the game takes place- to the name [redacted] Reichstein. the Reichsteins were reviled in their little town as mad doctors, which was at least somewhat true- they certainly weren’t shy to experimentation on body parts and [willing] subjects. but a good part of the hatred for them stemmed from Good Old Antisemitism, focusing their hate on the fact that they were an openly jewish family and saying that that must be influencing their occasionally morally dubious behavior

-for the longest time, though, people tolerated them- they were the only doctors around, after all. but as time went on, the disgusted glances turned to hate speech, turned to violent threats, and eventually, to violent actions.

-medic’s father, who had long since been debating on moving, finally packed the family up[against his wife’s wishes], and within a night, their home and lab were deserted.

-his father could tell that something terrible was coming. he brought down an ultimatum- they would have to abandon everything jewish about themselves in order to survive. medic was young, still, and didn’t fully understand the severity of why his father seemed so adamant that they never mention holidays they once celebrated, why their old family photos were torn and burned, why his mother was constantly reprimanded when her Yiddish roots showed through her accent

-medic’s father pulled a few favors, and before they moved into a new city, the family name was changed to Reich- a more acceptable, more German name. Reichstein could raise eyebrows, lead to questioning about jewish roots, but there have always been many Reichs in Germany.

-that’s also when Medic got his birthname changed to Ludwig, and he and his mother had to fight like hell for that. his father argued that the last thing they needed was another target on their back- if anyone found out that his son “wasn’t really a boy”, then that would bring the entire family under scrutiny and into danger.

-ludwig refused to take no for an answer. ludwig had always been someone who would rather die than pretend that he’s something he’s not, and this was one of the first signs of that. while he didnt fully understand his connection to judaism, yet, and thus didnt fight to keep it at the time; he DID understand that he wasn’t a girl, and by God did he refuse to pretend otherwise.

-eventually his father relented, though he never once forgot and throughout medic’s childhood, he would bring up how risky it was, how medic was potentially endangering them all.

-to clarify: his father DID technically accept his son being transgender, but he wanted him to repress it, ignore it, force it down and never bring it up, much like their jewish heritage. ludwig refused, and his father never liked that. [when ludwig grew older and became both openly gay AND became a practicing jew again, his father nearly had a fucking heart attack]

-ludwig was heavily isolated for most of his childhood after they moved, partially due to the war’s beginning, partially because his father was afraid of his son giving something away. he was homeschooled by his mother, and rarely left the house, instead spending most of his time playing with the family’s cockatoo, or in his father’s operating room, learning human anatomy

-this isolation[alongside his autism, and veritable cocktail of mental illnesses] helped contribute to medic’s general inability to understand how to interact with people- he is oblivious at the best of times, has no concept of personal space, rarely catches social cues, and has Awful attachment issues. he is overly affectionate with anyone he is even vaguely friendly with, he tends to ramble and talk about uncomfortably personal things without realizing its a bad thing, etc, etc, he is a mess and a half

-he does understand bits and pieces- for example, if he’s physically affectionate with someone, they tend to tense up, and try to get away from him, which means he’s doing something wrong. the problem is that he doesnt understand WHAT he’s doing wrong, or why it’s wrong[answer: he’s covered in blood and bird shit and holding at least one[1] human liver]

-speaking of physical affection, the first time engineer affectionately puts a hand on medic’s shoulder medic fucking freaks out because aside from his parents, NO ONE. no one has ever initiated Friendly Physical Contact with him. usually because theyre freaked out by him in some way. he has no idea how to cope with the fact that someone might actually think of him in a friendly manner to the point of expressing that physically [aside from sexually, which is a whole other story and a half]

-but im getting ahead of myself. the first time ludwig killed a man was when he was 17. a nazi soldier paid an unexpected visit to the Reichs. ludwig, scared for his family’s sake and overwhelmed with a boiling hatred for nazis that had simmered for all of his childhood, killed the man

-his father reacted violently, ranting that now they were doomed, but his mother helped ludwig destroy the body and evidence. by the grace of God, no other nazi followed up that visit- the soldier hadn’t told anyone where he was going, and there had been no witnesses to his visit. and germany was so chaotic at the time, that eventually the man's death was attributed to a previously unnoticed casualty in battle

-that was the first man ludwig killed, and also the first of many, many nazis. he spent a good stretch of his adult life hunting down nazis who had gone under the radar, trying to hide their past ties while still keeping the same disgusting views.

-as ive mentioned, in medical school, ludwig not only became openly gay, but returned to his jewish roots. no longer under his father's roof, and now that the war was over, medic saw no reason to hide aspects of himself any longer. and God help everyone who felt otherwise. especially once the most violently hateful dissenters, began to mysteriously disappear.

-throughout his adult life medic has had Multiple short term, non-serious relationships [including more than his fair share of one night stands], and maybe two serious relationships prior to heavy. neither of those ended well, citing ludwigs mental Fuckery as a big issue. speaking of, his mental fuckery has helped him get into at least a couple abusive relationships, which i wont detail beyond "he survived and healed".

-while he is Jewish, he is the kind of jew who criticizes god every step of the way. at least part of this is due to having to survive during the Shoah.

-the Shoah definitely fucked his mind up. the constant fear for his parents and himself, and the burning hatred for the nazis and everyone who agreed with them or stood back and let them take over, and just overall a horrible sense of helplessness, definitely contributed to a lot of his future mental fuckery, and to his feelings about God. as an adult, and as a doctor, he took the feeling of helplessness he had as a teenager, and flipped it around dramatically- if god didnt help him then, he’d have to become better than god. he would bring retribution where others didnt, and bring power and life to those god would not help.

-he sold his soul to satan sometime around his mid-30s. [this is a sentence that sounds really fucking weird if u dont know much about tf2.] there are a few reasons behind that, but im only gonna talk about one:

-as i've said, medic spent a lot of time murdering nazis who had tried to go into hiding. that's difficult when theyre trying very, very hard to cover up their past. medic struck a deal with satan- in exchange for the names, aliases, and locations of ex-nazis in hiding, he would kill them and send them straight to hell. his soul was just to sweeten the deal.

-ludwig does a Lot of experiments on captured and dead nazis, especially the painful ones. the ol' "removing a patient's skeleton" story was of a nazi officer medic had caught, and medical licence or not, ludwig would do it again in an instant

-medic's flock of homing pigeons, stolen from a wedding van, are like family to him. the original, stolen generation had more pretentious names, as named by their previous owner- mostly well known scientists and philosophers[Archimedes, Newton, Nietzsche, etc]. most of the pigeons he named himself have biblical, jewish names [Mordecai, Elijah, Rebecca, etc]

-ludwig is absolutely never prim, proper, or orderly. if he is wearing a coat that DOESNT have blood and bird shit on it, wait 5 minutes and check again

-he has a tendency to hyperfocus on something and forget things like "humans need food and water to live". heavy usually helps him remember

-medic snores. loudly. and it sounds fucking awful. heavy is, sadly, a very light sleeper. it takes a loooong time for him to finally be able to sleep through medic's snoring, and it winds up being one of the only things he actually CAN sleep through. god help you if you step on a creaky board halfway down the hall, though, because heavy will wake up in an Instant

-if tf2 were in modern times, ludwig's music taste would include a Lot of kesha, klezmer music, black metal, and so on. its varied, is what im saying

-medic, pyro, and soldier all get along surprisingly well together, because they all have a case of "same brain? same brain!", all of them have issues dealing with other people and have problems with processing/understanding things, have trouble w/ psychotic episodes and the like, overall their minds are all wired oddly but somehow they can understand /each other/

-scout accidentally becomes medic's unofficial adopted daughter and thats a whole post and a half on its own. suffice to say medic would do anything for her

-engie, demo, and medic are all Science Gays

-medic also does his best to help demo with his Absolutely Massive Amounts of Trauma and Self Loathing, by at least being a supportive shoulder to lean on when demo tries to drink himself unconscious to forget it all. hes absolutely terrible most of the time at actually saying anything to help, but he can be a good presence, and he has birds. birds help anything

-he has a very casual fling going with spy, since early on in their time at the base. its usually in a state of "on-again off-again", with the latter usually having something to do with how spy acts with scout.

-obviously theres a lot i could say about heavy and medic's relationship, but to put it briefly- theres a loooong time where both of them are "i dont understand social interaction" gays.

-medic is the "i literally dont understand how to act around people im attracted to or that me being extremely overaffectionate around you is due to the fact that im falling in love with you, i dont catch your vague hints towards the fact that you feel the same about me because you literally need to hit me over the head with something in order to get me to catch onto it" gay

-heavy is the "i have spent so many years repressing so much of myself and keeping quiet and not drawing attention to myself, that i physically cannot bring myself to be up front about the fact that im attracted to you. im also afraid of misintepreting signals and i am instead going to assume your over-affectionate attitude is platonic and i am misreading things" gay

-eventually they figure things out and its good and soft and gay

ok its 3 AM and ive been writing on this for at least an hour and a half and i told Em i would go to bed by now dhgfkhhj 

[buggerjagger646]

nobody is going to like this and i just dont care at all.

alright.

im gonna rant

because my head hurts and maybe this will make it a little less terrible. 

How very not buddhist of me, but fuck you “fat acceptance” or “mental health acceptance”. fuck. you.

allow me to introduce myself in a way that makes me cringe at my very core, for this is the way that so many talk about themselves these days and i find it fucking deplorable to define yourself not by the content of your character or the achievements which you have brought to yourself, but instead these fucking bullshit words which hold little to no meaning of who YOU are. fuck that. but for the sake of the argument of this rant, ive been seeing a therapist for several months after what i can only think of as a fairly serious break and im being monitored for some variation of depression and suicidal whatever, and also for anorexia, apparently.

to the “accept my mental illness” bullshit - screw off. just screw off. it was suggested at my most recent session that i might need to enter a hospital facility for the apparent severity of my thoughts. i have to go to a long, pain in the ass diagnostic session in a couple of weeks to see if theyre going to medicate me, and that session was very difficult to get because hey apparently very few prescribing mental doctors who take my insurance deal with people who have eating issues. so fuck that first of all. 

“accept my mental illness, i dont need to see a therapist.” go to hell, quite frankly. i force myself to be honest with my therapist. i keep a stupid log of my “emotion states” because she asks me to even though i think is ridiculous. i read and listen to many psychological figures and ideas and force my own self to do everything i can to try to figure out some way to get around all of this. fuck you and your “accept me as i am because i dont want to/am too scared to do any real work for my own wellbeing”. fuck you. get fucking help, do some fucking work, get the hell over yourself for the love of everything. stop moaning and telling ME, ME who is working herself raw to figure out what the hell to do, that you dont have to do the same damn work as me. get off it. get yourself together, damnit. do some damn work. 

moving along, 

“fat acceptance” can fuck. the hell. off. right off. so far off that i never have to see that bullshit again in my life. they weigh me once per month at my doctor. the doctor who i had to sit in front of like a little kid and admit that i was barely eating and watch THAT look. you dont know THAT look unless you know THAT look. the doctor who i was given the (appropriate) ultimatum of ‘go to the doctor to be sure youre not dying or we cannot continue’ by the therapist i already mentioned. i just happened to find and like the one who had a specialization in eating disorders. lucky me. i keep a food journal on and off where i have to describe my feelings around what im eating. and when i hand them off i get to watch her get that little look of repressed concern, going ‘this cant be all that there is’. they primarily consist of the feeling “i hate this” and “im forcing this down my throat and i feel terrible”.

so fuck your fat acceptance. dont give me bullshit about “glandular” this and “hereditary” that. the overwhelming majority of you who are fat are so because your food intake is complete and total shit and entirely more than it should be, and you dont fucking care. or, frankly, youre lazy. and dont sass me, ive had a number of fat people admit to me directly that they are too fucking lazy to learn to cook or to cook for themselves or to eat within healthful bounds.

fuck. you. 

you know what? if you want to destroy your body and your general well being and youre somehow content there, fucking go for it. but dont fucking demand that i accept the fact that youre too stubborn or lazy to do well for yourself. fuck you. if i have to shove food into my mouth and i have to be fucking uncomfortable and i have to fucking deal with this, fuck you, you can fix your diet and stop being an ass. and for the record, anyone who is pushing this shit for children is absolutely, sickeningly, deplorable. children should not be fat. they have every metabolic and physical reason to not be fat unless their jackass parents are too ignorant or arrogant to do something. and yes, thats fucking child abuse. if your kid is fat, its almost certain that you are doing something wrong and you need to either seek assistance or have some kind of repercussion. fuck up your life if you must but dont try to bring kids into this. 

fuck you. if i have to force myself to eat, if i have to make myself be honest with what not eating does to me, then you assholes should be held to the same accountability. you know that the food you eat is shit and/or too plentiful. you KNOW it. dont give me this shit about “fat acceptance”. get your shit together and learn how to accept yourself and you might find that in most cases, youre well aware that youre fucking killing your body and you really dont actually like it. if anorexia is an eating disorder, then most of the overeating is so as well. your relationship with food is just as unhealthy as mine is, stop fucking lying to yourself because youre too lazy to be honest and to find the better solutions. 

fuck your acceptance bullshit. 

almost no one knows whats broken in me right now and im damn well going to fucking keep it that way. because i will be fucking damned if i am going to be defined by this shit as opposed to the things that i have done or will do or the person who i am or my long thought and pondered ideas. and even better, ive been completely betrayed by one person i trusted with this information of me who was so enamored with these labels. and ill tell you, it certainly hasnt helped my view of these label lovers. 

get over yourselves. figure yourselves out, give therapists something to do. if youve got problems, fucking address them. if you want something, fucking go and do the work for it. you dont get things just because you think that you somehow deserve them. work for it. and be someone worthy of what you want. dont be a weak little cowering barely person who demands things from people to try to fulfill something youre not willing to work for. and jesus fucking christ, dont just sit there being broken and insist that we have to take you as you are broken or accept your delusions.

i force myself to eat. i work my mind in circles trying to figure out how to be in a better mind. you “accept me” people are so full of shit i can barely stand it.