#ive been feeling my ugliness down to my bones and i cant get rid of this feeling and i dont wanna be perceived aaaaaa

[sp3llboundgirl]

Getting out of therapy kinda feels like getting out of a panic attack

[drummingz]

1 through 200 BINCH TIME FOR PAYBACK

(( ask meme under cut !!! ))

200: My crush’s name is: dda;;a nNNy;y199: I was born in: the usa198: I am really: gay197: My cellphone company is: one that i hate196: My eye color is: hazel195: My shoe size is: 5 ½ apparently194: My ring size is: wat193: My height is: 5′1″192: I am allergic to: nothing191: My 1st car was: :)190: My 1st job was: :)189: Last book you read: waarrrrioorr  ca,,attss188: My bed is: decent . my mom got it w/out considering wat i thought was comfy so187: My pet: 4 dogs & 40 guinea pigs186: My best friend: ghsgg i cant decide i hav a lot of best friends 185: My favorite shampoo is: i184: Xbox or ps3: ps3183: Piggy banks are: functional but i only use them for cosmetics182: In my pockets: i dont have pockets atm181: On my calendar: i never mark my calender bc i always forget180: Marriage is: a possibility for the future179: Spongebob can: absorb water178: My mom: is an abusive sack of shit177: The last three songs I bought were? :3c176: Last YouTube video watched: grian build battle175: How many cousins do you have? i prob have more but ive only ever met like 2174: Do you have any siblings? yeah but theyre all half siblings & i never grew up with them173: Are your parents divorced? nah172: Are you taller than your mom? not by a long shot171: Do you play an instrument? i learned recorders in school … and i have a guitar …i dont rly play it tho170: What did you do yesterday? streamed w icey!!!! @god-kit & thn drew a bunch !!![ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: lol hell no168: Luck: kinda167: Fate: kinda166: Yourself: r u joking165: Aliens: yeah164: Heaven: eh163: Hell: eh162: God: kinda161: Horoscopes: kinda . i dont really believe it but its fun to find similarities in urself and ur zodiacs .160: Soul mates: kinda159: Ghosts: yeah158: Gay Marriage: um lmao yeah??? anyone who thinks otherwise pls unfollow me157: War: like ice said i dont believe it should happen but i know it still exists156: Orbs: oworbs?155: Magic: yeah my brothers a witch[ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: both153: Drunk or High: high152: Phone or Online: online151: Red heads or Black haired: i dont have a preference150: Blondes or Brunettes: still dont have a preference149: Hot or cold: cold bc at least u can warm up . its much harder to cool down when ur hot148: Summer or winter: winter147: Autumn or Spring: autumn146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate145: Night or Day: both have their ups & downs144: Oranges or Apples: apples i hate oranges143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont have a preference142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonalds141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: both140: Mac or PC: PC139: Flip flops or high heals: flips138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet & poor137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi136: Hillary or Obama: i dont really get super involved in politics so i dont really have a preference135: Burried or cremated: cremated134: Singing or Dancing: singing even tho im bad @ that too133: Coach or Chanel: wh132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: r these celebrities131: Small town or Big city: big city130: Wal-Mart or Target: target bc wal-mart is smely & got rid of littlest pet shops >:(129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: no one bc idk who ben stiller is128: Manicure or Pedicure: i never learned the difference so idk127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast bc west is a better word than east126: Your Birthday or Christmas: christmas125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate124: Disney or Six Flags: six flags123: Yankees or Red Sox: plz[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: i dont really have a fleshed out opinion on war i think its bad tho121: George Bush: dont wanna get into politics but i dont like him120: Gay Marriage: im 120% for it but it shouldnt Have to be a law to be a thing lmfao119: The presidential election: needs major improvement118: Abortion: its good for ppl who need or want the option!! pro choice !!!117: MySpace: YourSpace?116: Reality TV: i have a soft spot for reality shows115: Parents: ive never met good parents , only heard of them . good parents r cryptids114: Back stabbers: i hope they choke113: Ebay: its where i got my chowder keychain so its ok i guess112: Facebook: its boring111: Work: dont have an opinion yet110: My Neighbors: i dont trust them109: Gas Prices: i dont have a car so i dont really care108: Designer Clothes: i dont . care . theyre super overpriced tho & cater to skinny people107: College: wish it wasnt so expensive106: Sports: dont care105: My family: hate them104: The future: im not gonna have a future bc of my mom[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: 102: Last time you ate: yesterday101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: 100: Cried in front of someone: 99: Went to a movie theater: december 201698: Took a vacation: uhhh that was literal years ago & we just took a short trip to colorado springs for like a week97: Swam in a pool: i dont remember96: Changed a diaper: never95: Got my nails done: depends94: Went to a wedding: never93: Broke a bone: neVER AND I HOPE IT STAYS THAT WAY92: Got a peircing: april 201691: Broke the law:90: Texted: it depends[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: danny88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my piggies & dogs87: The last movie I saw: a horror movie i dont remember the name of86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: nothing lol my lifes going nowhere85: The thing im not looking forward to: having to suffer through life84: People call me: grizz83: The most difficult thing to do is: be alive82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: no81: My zodiac sign is: scorpio (or virgo , depending on which version you use)80: The first person i talked to today was: icey @god-kit​79: First time you had a crush: first grade78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: icey @god-kit​, danny77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: idk76: Right now I am talking to: no one75: What are you going to do when you grow up: idk74: I have/will get a job: idk73: Tomorrow: idk72: Today: draw71: Next Summer: idk70: Next Weekend: idk69: I have these pets: 4 dogs & 40 guinea pigs68: The worst sound in the world: idk67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my mom i hate her66: People that make you happy: all of my friends65: Last time I cried: two nights ago64: My friends are: the best 63: My computer is: cool ig62: My School: LOL61: My Car: i dont have one60: I lose all respect for people who: are shitty59: The movie I cried at was: inside out58: Your hair color is: brown but its so dark it looks black57: TV shows you watch: we bare bears , chowder56: Favorite web site: sparklecare hospital55: Your dream vacation: idk54: The worst pain I was ever in was: being alive53: How do you like your steak cooked: idk52: My room is: messy51: My favorite celebrity is: no one50: Where would you like to be: in a grave49: Do you want children: maybe idk48: Ever been in love: yeah . and most of them were terrible47: Who’s your best friend: wasnt this question already asked46: More guy friends or girl friends: idk45: One thing that makes you feel great is: my friends being happy 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: danny , icey , panda43: Do you have a 5 year plan: no42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: no41: Have you pre-named your children: no40: Last person I got mad at: idk39: I would like to move to: idk38: I wish I was a professional: artist[ My Favorites ]37: Candy: chocolate36: Vehicle: idk35: President: idk34: State visited: colorado33: Cellphone provider: sprint32: Athlete: idk31: Actor: idk30: Actress: idk29: Singer: owl city28: Band: imagine dragons27: Clothing store: idk26: Grocery store: idk25: TV show: chowder , we bare bears24: Movie: inside out23: Website: sparklecare hospital22: Animal: guinea pigs , bears , dogs21: Theme park: worlds of fun20: Holiday: christmas , halloween19: Sport to watch: idk18: Sport to play: wii tennis17: Magazine: woman’s world but only for the sudoku16: Book: i only ever got into magic tree house , warrior cats , and percy jackson so idk15: Day of the week: thursday14: Beach: idk13: Concert attended: never12: Thing to cook: i cant cook11: Food: spaghetti10: Restaurant: golden corral9: Radio station: idk8: Yankee candle scent: idk7: Perfume: idk6: Flower: idk5: Color: green4: Talk show host: idk3: Comedian: idk2: Dog breed: chow chows1: Did you answer all these truthfully? yeah

[ventregardless]

huge mood swing

weird how those have been happening a lot more than usual lately.

im trying to beat my computer about to die. I only have a few things to say, and I cant be fucked to get up and grab the charger from my room only to put it back in there so that I can watch hunter x hunter in the living room before it gets too dark, because frankly im a big scaredy cat pussy that cant do anything remotely required of an adult.

so.

im pretty proud of my shopping habit today. I went in, I assesed properly, I didnt give in to buying stupid shit that I already had, and because of my absolute god tier discernment I managed to only buy one thing!!

one!

very proud. in the grand scheme of things, that doesnt matter all that much, but it was a big deal to me and im excited to get my habits under control.

I dont know whats going on with my feelings lately.

I dont feel my best but I don’t feel my worst. some days are better than others. I can feel really good one moment but then the next I get smacked with a huge let down that brings my entire mood down to shit despite it not being a big deal at all.

I am realizing now that I probably really need to get my charger because I have a lot more to say than I figured and I kinda dont want to risk fucking up my flow.

brb.

I am back.

I supposed its a good thing I went to get up because I was able to put my zara bag back in the guest bedroom/second closet room.

Okay, in the super grand scheme of things, spending a solid $500 dollarinos on a bunch of clothes is probably not the best step in the right direction. BUT! To justify it, I really went on that wild bender because I have transitioning. It’s a big transition, a very big girl transition into adulthood. I have an aesthetic I want to keep up, and frankly, Miss Kelly Stamps has taught me that wanting to keep up with an aesthetic takes fucking work, so I sought out to put that god damn work in and I did. That was a very privileged sentence; putting in work towards my closet as if that’s the biggest thing I could be doing with my time. But honestly, I’m working towards an overhaul of like... everything. It’s not terribly torturous, at least not to me, (I just glanced outside and I’m noticing that I’m losing sunlight, but I really want to watch more hunter x hunter, but im scared to do that at night because im on that chimera arc, and I find it very dark and scary. So perhaps I should stop wasting time and wrap up my thoughts, but I have so many that idk how im going to do it)

Anyway, yeah, at least not to me.

It’s not that I don’t want to be myself. It’s that I’ve felt so trapped by an old self for so long, and a new self is ready to emerge that I really like, but she needs work to come out. And its ugly work, it is.

She’s trapped in here and I’m working to get her out.

Now, I’ve been slacking the last few weeks. Thankfully not to the point of no return, but enough to where I’ve really been feeling like garbage about it. So I’m starting again, and I’m pretty sure I can do it better this time. I had a wonderful start (not sure what it is with me and new weeks, I feel like fresh starts are best launched at the beginning of new weeks) but I did well. Made some returns, picked up my glasses, exercised some habits I want to curate, I’m doing a good job. 

I’m hopeful to not have much errands to run after wrapping all of this up the next coming week. I say hopeful because honestly, I say that every week, and it doesn’t get any better because I’m an idiot. I know this.

But I feel this new change in my bones!! Can you believe it. Bones!

Few things I still want: Solid pairs of trousers (camel and black) Levi’s ribcage jeans/everlane cheeky jeans (black and classic blue) and heeled mary janes with a strap or some other black, square toed heel.

that’s a solid five more things I want in my arsenal that I can argue I need! But I cant order four of them until I get more other issue sorted out. Then will come winter, and I’ll have to replace my sweaters because I should look much different by then, and they will no longer due. Luckily, I have plenty of cardigans to buffer the issue, and thankfully the coats I boat were in mediums so I can get away with them, I believe. I’m imagining purchasing no more than like, four additional sweaters. Maybe even two, if I’m being as strict as I should be.

But that shopping will be spread throughout the year. Hopefully by september I will be where I want, if these habits I develop end up bending to my will.

I really want to stop being scared of little things eventually. But I need the fear so that I can do things. I need to be limited now so I’m not as much later, and I’ll have good habits to balance out any cravings I may have so that indulgence doesn’t lead to weighted regret.

I want to come up with a name for this idealism. I’ve bought six books this week, I want to read them... and I will. I want reading to be a habit. I want staying inside to be a habit. I want skirts and dresses and heels to be a habit. I want yoga and light work to be a habit. I want a lot of things.

I’m a little worried about my connection to Kelly. I want to be like her a lot. I think her philosophy is very cool, I rewatch the same videos multiple times over the course of a few days because I just like what she says. I like how smart she is and how sure she is of things. The discipline she has is very cool, and I want to get on a similar level soon. Not her extreme methods, per say, but a similar mentality because it’s fun to mimic and very much resonates with me.

She’s really cool.

I kinda want to be cool like that.

Things Ive learned:

This crochet and I are not friends. I miss my twists and my braids to my ass. But you see, I am not going anywhere, so investing in braids to my ass at this time would be incredibly stupid and hard on the neck for no good reason.

For someone who loves books so much, reading them is quite the hassle. How awful of me to buy so many but hardly read one?!

Slightly obsessed with my closet... unsure if in a good way... I’ll have to sit down with myself and inquire if we have a problem, which I think we might, and then go from there on how to get it under control.

Speaking of closets! I still think mine could be paired down some more. Though I went through it yesterday and happily got rid of things I don’t like nor fit, I still feel like I restrained on a lot of things. I’ll have to give that another go and be harder on myself and my items.

I like minimalism a lot. I want to read more about it and find more youtubers that talk about it. It interests me a lot, not because I want to be one exactly but I want to share their sentiments and teachings. It sits very well with me and my soul. I like that feeling.

Hair being short is a no go. I don’t care what itch I gain; never again. that’s dead, if you will. Though I don’t fully regret doing this cut, because I needed to scratch the itch to learn what I didn’t like. I saw what I look like and thats that!

I get full fast. Gotta slow down the habit of stuffing my face just because I can. You know. Eat when hungry, or whatever. How do people eat three times a day? Or more? I can’t even think about it without feeling full.

I like tea. I should drink it way more often.

I need to read more as well.

Anyway, some goals before I wrap this up:

I hope to hear back from crown and remodel soon. I would really like to take on either of those projects because it’s what I want. I love those spaces and I’m hopeful to aid in their curation.

Hopeful that this cut will get into full affect by mid july. It was a bit hasty of me to start it up at the beginning knowing that all of my items hadn’t arrived yet, so returns still need to be made as well as assessments.

Fill out that damned application (BH)

Watch some barbie/princess/disney movies cause you like that shit.

Read something! What is your deal! You have fics and books to devour why are you like this!

Anyway, I think I’m on the right track. I’m trying and it feels like it’s working sometimes but other times it doesn’t. It is working though, in ways. It’s okay that I don’t always feel like it... but it is.

This is going well!