#ive been feeling my ugliness down to my bones and i cant get rid of this feeling and i dont wanna be perceived aaaaaa

[sp3llboundgirl]

Getting out of therapy kinda feels like getting out of a panic attack

[ventregardless]

huge mood swing

weird how those have been happening a lot more than usual lately.

im trying to beat my computer about to die. I only have a few things to say, and I cant be fucked to get up and grab the charger from my room only to put it back in there so that I can watch hunter x hunter in the living room before it gets too dark, because frankly im a big scaredy cat pussy that cant do anything remotely required of an adult.

so.

im pretty proud of my shopping habit today. I went in, I assesed properly, I didnt give in to buying stupid shit that I already had, and because of my absolute god tier discernment I managed to only buy one thing!!

one!

very proud. in the grand scheme of things, that doesnt matter all that much, but it was a big deal to me and im excited to get my habits under control.

I dont know whats going on with my feelings lately.

I dont feel my best but I don’t feel my worst. some days are better than others. I can feel really good one moment but then the next I get smacked with a huge let down that brings my entire mood down to shit despite it not being a big deal at all.

I am realizing now that I probably really need to get my charger because I have a lot more to say than I figured and I kinda dont want to risk fucking up my flow.

brb.

I am back.

I supposed its a good thing I went to get up because I was able to put my zara bag back in the guest bedroom/second closet room.

Okay, in the super grand scheme of things, spending a solid $500 dollarinos on a bunch of clothes is probably not the best step in the right direction. BUT! To justify it, I really went on that wild bender because I have transitioning. It’s a big transition, a very big girl transition into adulthood. I have an aesthetic I want to keep up, and frankly, Miss Kelly Stamps has taught me that wanting to keep up with an aesthetic takes fucking work, so I sought out to put that god damn work in and I did. That was a very privileged sentence; putting in work towards my closet as if that’s the biggest thing I could be doing with my time. But honestly, I’m working towards an overhaul of like... everything. It’s not terribly torturous, at least not to me, (I just glanced outside and I’m noticing that I’m losing sunlight, but I really want to watch more hunter x hunter, but im scared to do that at night because im on that chimera arc, and I find it very dark and scary. So perhaps I should stop wasting time and wrap up my thoughts, but I have so many that idk how im going to do it)

Anyway, yeah, at least not to me.

It’s not that I don’t want to be myself. It’s that I’ve felt so trapped by an old self for so long, and a new self is ready to emerge that I really like, but she needs work to come out. And its ugly work, it is.

She’s trapped in here and I’m working to get her out.

Now, I’ve been slacking the last few weeks. Thankfully not to the point of no return, but enough to where I’ve really been feeling like garbage about it. So I’m starting again, and I’m pretty sure I can do it better this time. I had a wonderful start (not sure what it is with me and new weeks, I feel like fresh starts are best launched at the beginning of new weeks) but I did well. Made some returns, picked up my glasses, exercised some habits I want to curate, I’m doing a good job. 

I’m hopeful to not have much errands to run after wrapping all of this up the next coming week. I say hopeful because honestly, I say that every week, and it doesn’t get any better because I’m an idiot. I know this.

But I feel this new change in my bones!! Can you believe it. Bones!

Few things I still want: Solid pairs of trousers (camel and black) Levi’s ribcage jeans/everlane cheeky jeans (black and classic blue) and heeled mary janes with a strap or some other black, square toed heel.

that’s a solid five more things I want in my arsenal that I can argue I need! But I cant order four of them until I get more other issue sorted out. Then will come winter, and I’ll have to replace my sweaters because I should look much different by then, and they will no longer due. Luckily, I have plenty of cardigans to buffer the issue, and thankfully the coats I boat were in mediums so I can get away with them, I believe. I’m imagining purchasing no more than like, four additional sweaters. Maybe even two, if I’m being as strict as I should be.

But that shopping will be spread throughout the year. Hopefully by september I will be where I want, if these habits I develop end up bending to my will.

I really want to stop being scared of little things eventually. But I need the fear so that I can do things. I need to be limited now so I’m not as much later, and I’ll have good habits to balance out any cravings I may have so that indulgence doesn’t lead to weighted regret.

I want to come up with a name for this idealism. I’ve bought six books this week, I want to read them... and I will. I want reading to be a habit. I want staying inside to be a habit. I want skirts and dresses and heels to be a habit. I want yoga and light work to be a habit. I want a lot of things.

I’m a little worried about my connection to Kelly. I want to be like her a lot. I think her philosophy is very cool, I rewatch the same videos multiple times over the course of a few days because I just like what she says. I like how smart she is and how sure she is of things. The discipline she has is very cool, and I want to get on a similar level soon. Not her extreme methods, per say, but a similar mentality because it’s fun to mimic and very much resonates with me.

She’s really cool.

I kinda want to be cool like that.

Things Ive learned:

This crochet and I are not friends. I miss my twists and my braids to my ass. But you see, I am not going anywhere, so investing in braids to my ass at this time would be incredibly stupid and hard on the neck for no good reason.

For someone who loves books so much, reading them is quite the hassle. How awful of me to buy so many but hardly read one?!

Slightly obsessed with my closet... unsure if in a good way... I’ll have to sit down with myself and inquire if we have a problem, which I think we might, and then go from there on how to get it under control.

Speaking of closets! I still think mine could be paired down some more. Though I went through it yesterday and happily got rid of things I don’t like nor fit, I still feel like I restrained on a lot of things. I’ll have to give that another go and be harder on myself and my items.

I like minimalism a lot. I want to read more about it and find more youtubers that talk about it. It interests me a lot, not because I want to be one exactly but I want to share their sentiments and teachings. It sits very well with me and my soul. I like that feeling.

Hair being short is a no go. I don’t care what itch I gain; never again. that’s dead, if you will. Though I don’t fully regret doing this cut, because I needed to scratch the itch to learn what I didn’t like. I saw what I look like and thats that!

I get full fast. Gotta slow down the habit of stuffing my face just because I can. You know. Eat when hungry, or whatever. How do people eat three times a day? Or more? I can’t even think about it without feeling full.

I like tea. I should drink it way more often.

I need to read more as well.

Anyway, some goals before I wrap this up:

I hope to hear back from crown and remodel soon. I would really like to take on either of those projects because it’s what I want. I love those spaces and I’m hopeful to aid in their curation.

Hopeful that this cut will get into full affect by mid july. It was a bit hasty of me to start it up at the beginning knowing that all of my items hadn’t arrived yet, so returns still need to be made as well as assessments.

Fill out that damned application (BH)

Watch some barbie/princess/disney movies cause you like that shit.

Read something! What is your deal! You have fics and books to devour why are you like this!

Anyway, I think I’m on the right track. I’m trying and it feels like it’s working sometimes but other times it doesn’t. It is working though, in ways. It’s okay that I don’t always feel like it... but it is.

This is going well!