#ive always been so proud that i can do so many things without help abd without relying on ppl

[steampoweredskeleton]

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[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Did you know real Michael Jackson introduced me to Jane Fonda?

She lived near a lot of underground factories so she would allow me to sleep at her place and eat and shower and things in the summer.

I introduced her to Lily Tomlin whom lived two floors above her. I saw her in the movie Big Business so i recognized her in the elevator and she usually had something nice to say about my outfit or hair and i thought she would be a good friend for Jane because she was always alone or had an assistant with her. But mostly alone. So i knew they both needed a good friend.

They had ups and downs.

The next summer they wanted to be involved. So they followed me on the streets. Then they got in trouble by me and Michael and so Jane who was very physically fit felt danger one night. She said some creeper kept staring at her. So she wanted to call for Lily whom would dress as a street begger but wanted to scare him off first by yelling a male name. We were standing in front of Nathan's hot dog restaurant and they're called Franks. Instead of hot dogs or wieners. So we went with Frankie.

Jane did end up getting herself kidnapped we thought... She asked for a ride from the guy who was creeping and well he lied and said that he was there to help.

I was usually moving the girls from factory to factory so they could hide in the living facilities and not have to work. Let the men work and get the women under some kind of protection was my job until we could find them a way home. Sometimes I just took them to an all night Chinese restaurant and let them give information to the owners whom would find their families and I would stand at the front door watching traffic and 3 girls from the factory to watch the kitchen where the back door was. And their job was to cause a commotion and so i could go back and help them.

But the one night we all got in the van with Jane and he was a bad male. So I choked him with his seatbelt until he passed out.

Upon leaving the restaurant there was 4 guys. So i told Jane "get Lilly and return the girls, I'll meet you there, they know where to go"

I walked back to the white van and they said get in. They were looking to rape and saw i only took the girls to feed them.

I told them "you can have sex with Jane Fonda. Shes at the restaurant. Come back over there with me"

"But all the girls left"

"Jane's not a slave shes a free woman. She was paying the check." I said. She did check out the white van watching us. And they were about to pay

"Yeah,get Jane i picked her up but she left" said the still jacked up driver "but rape the bitch" he turned and saw me "YOU!!"

Luckily they didn't understand i was the bitch and we went

I left open the glass door to the Chinese restaurant. I never took men in there. Not at dark. Boys my age sure. On rare occasions but usually i said so before and Jane had told them about the white van so they already got the guns from behind the counter when i yelled "Run"

And they were dead before i took 2 breaths after And yelled "there's 2 at the van!". And i ran. Before i turned the corner i looked back to see our head chef kill them both.

"Thanks!" And briskly walked the half block to the short tunnel where the girls hid before work.

As i entered the hall it was dark and that wasnt unusual but it felt eerie. I thought may be because I was alone or because people just got killed. They were people after all i always told myself. And I tried to order deaths as sparingly as possible. Only if i was stared at a lot and got a bad suffocating feeling.

But it was Jane this time and i was thrown off. How could Jane had known? What has she been through to know such a bad thing existed on our Earth?

I was sad when i opened the door. So i was extremely startled to see Jane and Lily wielding brooms and mops to attack who went through the door. And my 3 girls blocking My way in.

I fell to my knees crying and angry because I cried and I cried in front of those girls whom got hurt the most in life. Whom still waited to return home. I still had 1/3 left and i knew their summer was harder than mine having ti wait to be saved. So i was angry at myself for crying in front of them.

I was crying for my friend Jane's knowledge and the anger and hate on my friend Lily's face which told me that she too knew too much about life's hypocrisy and pain. And for all the girls we had left and the ones that would be there the next summer.

I tried to explain what happened but I was a mess. So Jane grabbed me and told me to tell her and she would repeat it for them.

Soon we heard a banging of metal on metal

"The Pipe!" A girl shouted. It went down the wall near the ceiling

"The Grate!! Hes here! The chef! He rarely comes! It must be an emergency!"

"I had to kill 6 more and went around the block twice. So we have some time. I'll get the van out front and pack in as many girls as we can. Do you have someplace we can take them?"

"My apartment!!" Said Jane immediately without hesitation.

"Are you sure?"

I stood "this is Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin"

"We've met" he said in disregard "but are you sure they are safe?"

"I stay at Jane's all the time to help these girls. She usually stays in but this summer She wanted to help. Michael Jackson and i told her not to" and Darling Jane lowered her head "but she and Lily insisted and they have been watching our backs and ive missed that van completely and only seen the van in rhe alley when we've returned but I've acted friendly to it so They think we are on the same team. Like i wave and skip and act like we all are cool. Because i am returning them so why not?"

"Unfortunately Jane they know where you live and have deactivated many of the security cameras where yoh live including in the elevators which means we have time to get them in, fix the security cameras in the next daylight and then return them home slowly but surely like they are going out on a night on rhe town, complete with a limo and all. Unfortunately it will look like a whore house, are you okay with that?"

"Oh yes! Lets do it definitely! I don't care what it looks like! Lets get these girls safe abd off the streets!" She grabbed my shoulder "and her, too!" She smiled at me sadly apologetic "I'm sorry but you shouldn't be doing this either. You tell me and Lily but..." She just gave me a brave hug and let the words linger. I never felt so grateful for such a strong embrace. I never felt so much love filled with peace for such a long time. Later i had to ask her how she ever was taught to hug such a way.

Lily told me "We're old"

For the next 7 years they continued through out winter, summer, fall, and spring to free each and every enslaved young girl under those streets in their neighborhood until all the factories closed for lack of money.

Unfortunately the chef and his family was murdered right before Christmas in 1994 by someone named Nate, Junkyard Mate whom I killed in 1997.

His daughter hid, she was small, 4 years old and Lily found her. Quietly all these years Lily has raised her as her own and kept her safe from danger.

And they didnt give up. They kept working until no girl was held captive under the street and the Chinese restaurant finally closed in 1999.

..

Tonight they said that it's difficult to keep the emotions on a night like tonight in Albuquerque. They want to cry from sadness in looking in those victims faces. They want to be proud. They want to keep the spirit up with cheer and pride.

Its too hard, i can tell you this, it's impossible.

Every single face, every pair of eyes is a person. A person with pain and suffering. With bravery nothing can compare to.

And there's urgencies and emergencies every time you turn around.

But that familiar face, for me, that one voice I hear. The image of a survivor of a girl I knew way back when. For me to know they're alive after 30 years that's what takes me home. That's what small treat i get.

So a polite smile from someone coming from a factory where they have definitely been mentally and intellectually abused. That would melt my heart. It would be so difficult not to hug every single one.

In truth I miss being out there. But I'm not allowed to go as i am all POW here. I miss those streets, the brisk walks. The girls rushing behind me.

The time they caught Lily dressed as a man and beat her up. That was horrible. But that's how I learned to be proud

"Look at my fat lip!! Look what y'all did!! Just look will ya?!?!" I was scared i was like omg Lily they didnt mean to and she threw her arms in the air and shouted "VICTORY!!!" and requested hugs. And bounced down the street talking so loudly about how proud she was that they beat her up.

I lost my mind 50 different ways. She was so loud and we always walked in silence. She was proud? She needed ice and a bandaid and the hospital. She had cracked ribs and all. It was the middle of the group that attacked. I had the younger more timid ones with me because they knew to run behind to the back of the girls in the middle who would fight to defend and then the wiser ones at the back because they paid attention most. But no one would see them looking so much with the other girls in front of them.

So they're kicking her and a littke girl half as tall as me says "shes getting beat up, your friend"

Some back girls were trying to pull her out of the doorway she hid in so the other girls wouldn't keep attacking her.

"LILY!! OH NO LILLY!!" I ran leaving the small children in a group in the sidewalk

And a white van crept down to them "you need to get in"

"Stop them!!" I yelled at the girls for both situations and Lily was sitting up and holding her head "oh I'm dizzy"

And some girls ran to the little ones and said to line up against the wall that was a rule because it was furthest from the street and if they were kidnapped they had a longer chance to fight off the abductor and scream and people could see they were indeed being kidnapped.

So I yelled "we are just going to eat!! Fuck off!!!"

"I was just checking!"

"You need to go!!!" I recognized the dish boy from the restaurant. "Jesus Christ" i had a beat up Lily, couldn't see Jane and a row of terrified little babies aged 2 to 7. And a mess of pre teens that had no idea I wasn't an adult, couldn't drive and was only 6 myself, just really tall for my age, and i looked 20.

And I saw Jane sneaking down the street "Jane! I got an emergency!!" I yelled and she ran down and across the dark street at 3 am

"Okay let's get Lily. We will get to the Chinese and talk."

"What was that van?"

"Bus boy. No from the Chinese. He cleans the tables."

But Lily got up on her own. Limping. She showed the row of little girls her lip who said ew and grabbed each other in hugs and to hide. And they giggled. And Lily promised one day they would be able to beat her up like that too. And one girl stood out. "I need me to give you a hug"

And each girl hugged Lily and said she was sorry.

And one older girl held back because my head spun and i thought maybe she was an inside trader. She was. And i apologized to her and gave her a hug because I dead punched her in the face for stomping Lilly when 2 other girls were pulling her off and I was in front. "I want to run. I'm an inside trader. I wanted the girls to work. But now i want to go home. I wws going to tell on you for what you really did. But now i can't. Because look at Lilly. Look how strong and brave she is. And proud. Proud of me. Praising. And i don't deserve any" she hung her head down as I held her by her elbows. The still silence between us. And over my left shoulder I heard Lilly "then run. Go. Be free. Go to your family."

"I don't know where they are" but she turned in my hands to walk away, tears bursting wt her eyes. So i grabbed her. I threw my arms around her and whispered over her left ear. "You still need to eat. Come let's go. I'll hold your hand tonight, too"

"Okay"

She left, that girl did. That very same night on Greyhound bus. In her town the cops kidnapped. And they tried. And every time she was stopped. She fought them just like she fought Lily.

And every time she thanked God Lily was there that night She lost her wit.

I thank God, too.

....

And so all of you all over the world, working so hard to save lives. Each and every single one is invaluable. Priceless.

And the way you can change their lives is immeasurable.

So yes. It has Its ups and downs. 500 downs and 35 ups an hour, or more or less.

It isn't easy. But just respond appropriately. As best as you know how to, even if you don't like it. Even if you throw yourself on the ground crying because knowing too much is too difficult.

The girls told me "I've never seen you cry before. I've been here 3 years. Sometimes i worry about you because I know you take heart medicine. And you rarely smile or talk. Just every now and then. But you smile every day at every door way but it isn't happy. Its a promise that one day we will be. And you come take my friends away every summer. And i never thought you cared. You just did your job and kept running, but i didn't know why. And now i do." And she picked me up at my elbows and said "now the Chinese are here and they have come to save us. And we will all hold hands and be a chain gang because that is what we are. And we will pray. It's what we do when we are alone"

And they did. And they stood around me and prayed and i felt lifted. I felt magic in their prayer. I felt the good in the girls I nightly as i could took them to eat to find out if the private detectives found them their homes.

And it was after that that i was able to grab a map and point to a place and tell a child "you are from here"

Because of an intensely strong prayer from a girl whom waited 3 years to find her home. Because she never told. She wanted to be the last to go. Mallary Viceroy.

She wanted to make sure all girls returned home. She did once or twice to visit.

But now she works still, as a ghost with a strong spirit.

She hasn't gone to Heaven often. She knows she's needed here.

It is for girls like her that I will never quit.

And so I hope the world continues to fight so She can return to life and finally have the peace she deserves. And a home with her family and friends.