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i-am-infinite · 4 years

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Guilt (Part 1): The Rescue

(Din Djarin x ForceSensitive!Fem!Reader)

Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Slight Chpt 12 and 13 spoilers. Read at your own risk.

Description: Moff Gideon has found someone else to run his experiments on and word gets back to Din. Will he take his son far away and try and find somewhere safe? Or will the guilt of an innocent being put in his son’s place eat away at him? (No Y/N or ___ used)

Word Count: Slightly over 4K

Warnings: Mentions of blood and needles. Broken glass. Fainting. Blood loss. Canon type violence. Possible bad writing (first fic pls go easy on me). If I’m missing anything please let me know, I’ve never done one of these before.

A/N: This is my first fanfic I’ve written so it might be really bad but I couldn’t get the idea out of my head so here it is. I also made up a planet/system and don’t know if star wars has alarm clocks but i wrote it in anyway. I also wrote this in Word first and then realized I couldn’t copy it over so I tried my best to type it over in here.

Normal. That is what was used to describe your life. Nothing out of the ordinary. Life wasn’t boring per se, but it definitely wasn’t compelling enough for your tastes. Studying to be a healer help keep it somewhat interesting but not enough.

Bzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzz. Crust littered eyes creak open as your face unsticks from the textbook scattered across the desk. Bzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzz. Your stiff neck cracks as you finally sit up. Fell asleep studying again. You loved learning about healing, you really did. But the long nights and barely sleeping was enough to make your head explode. Looking over at the clock with bright red numbers blinking at you. 8:15.

8:15! I’m late! You think as you force yourself awake. No not again! Being a student means you need to do hands on hours down at the nearest medcenter. All the late night studying also means that you oversleep most days. Grabbing your work bag filled with a change of clothes, in preparation of these events, you run out the door.

Your feet hit the wet cobble stones as it echos through your little part of the city. Vendors lining up the street ready to start their days. Passing the shop you went to yesterday, your mind too preoccupied to notice that it’s empty today. You know that theres is a faster route to the medcenter, but is it a path you really want to take today? Dark and windy path that you can barely see five feet in front of you on mornings like this. Too foggy and muggy for your liking. You’d rather stick to the main road where there’s people, where if anything were to happen, people would see, they would know. Regardless, it shaves fifteen minutes off your commute. You loathe having to be late for another shift. Making the sharp turn in between tow booths, you pace quickens to get through as quickly as you can. While not having much visibility, you swear you can see a pair of eyes in the dark. Has to just be my imagination, you convince yourself, I just need to keep going. It’ll be fine.

Footsteps echo behind you. Hands grab your shoulders. A scream rises in your throat, but no sound comes out. Everything goes dark when you feel something hit the side of your head.

Sigh. “Grogu get back in your seat.” The little baby waddles down off the controls and into his father’s lap. “Not what I meant,” Din grumbles with a smile hidden under his helmet. He grabs Grogu by his little robe and places him in the seat to his right and tells him to buckle up as a holo comes through from Greef Karga.

“Mando, we’ve just got word that Moff Gideon might have been seen in the Braic system. It looks like they found a substitute for the baby for the time being. I would use this time to go find a hide-out and lay low. He could still come back for the little one. Be well,”

Din goes to start the ship and find coordinates to stay out of trouble for a while when he hears the baby whine. Looking back at his adoptive child, all Din can see is Grogu, then a nameless kid, lying unconscious on a metal table, trapped underneath a contraption. Din starts breathing heavy and feeling sick that he ever gave his son up to those Imps. All he can hear is the beeping of the machine he’s hooked up to. Anger boiling back to the surface as he hears himself yell at the doctor all over again in his memories. No, he tells himself, He’s here with me. He’s fine. He’s safe. He shakes himself out of it and goes to fly the Razor Crest off planet.

Before he even gets off the planet, all Din can think about is that innocent person in his son’s place. They were going to kill Grogu, just for his blood for their experiments. Din can’t bring the kid anywhere near those people, he can’t risk losing his family, not when both of them have formed such attachments to each other. But he can’t stop thinking of this person who is in the that position now. He should’ve made sure Gideon was dead. Because of that now more people are going to get hurt.

Without thinking he turns on his holo already asking, “Where is he taking them?”

Feeling groggy with heavy eyes, you are able to open them just a bit to a blinding light. Reluctantly closing them again, you lift your arm to rub your eyes, but only they don’t move. What? The rest of your senses start coming back and you can feel the cool metal against your back, the same metal wrapped around your wrists and your ankles attached to the table. Finally bracing the light and opening your eyes, lifting your head slightly off the table and oh no the room is spinning now. There is an IV in your arm drawing your blood out into some odd machine, explaining the dizziness. Second time in two days you’ve had to deal with your own blood.

Walking through the shops on your one day off, you pick up a flower hair pin. The glasswork is so intricate and entrancing, you can’t help but turn it over and over in your hands. A pearl bead sitting in the center of iridescent gray and white petals. Placing it back in its place, your had scrapes against another glass design that is not yet finished, slashing open your palm. “Oh, dear let me help you with that,” the lady running the stand says. She looks you with her white hair barely covering her forehead. Tattoos liter her arms. A design peaks your interest as you swear you know but can’t quite place.

“It’s fine, I can take care of it myself,” you state already inspecting your hand. No shards in it so thats good.

“Oh no I insist. It happened at my booth, let me help clean it,” she declares taking your hand in her own. It feels like she squeezes the wound causing you to wince in pain slightly. Knowing she should just be cleaning it and wrapping it, you’re a little confused. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to tend to these sort of things, not wanted to embarrass her at her stand, you keep quiet. She finally gets a clean rag to help blot away at the blood on your hand. You didn’t think anything of it at the time, but it appears she has put it in a bag to the side.

“I don’t have any gauze to help wrap it up,” the stand lady says.

“Oh, don’t worry, I have plenty of my own,” you mention, “It will be fine until I make it back to my place.” Smiling you walk away. Without looking, you can feel her move the piece you cut your hand on into the bag. Must just be because it’s a dangerous piece, you think, not knowing there’s still some of your blood on it too.

Closing your eyes again, you try to wonder why that is so significant to you right now. It was a harmless thing in passing, so why is it at the forefront of your mind? You are strapped to a table and all you can think about is that little cut you got the day prior. If your head didn’t feel like it was a spinner top right now, you would have laughed. Opening your eyes again you see men all in white armor and helmets guarding the door to your room, while a man in a white coat is working on the machine where your IV is attached. I thought the empire was dead. The same symbol that keeps going through your mind is the same one sewn into the man’s white coat. Your breathing gets shallower as you feel the panic rise in your chest. I’m never getting out of here, you realize as your vision becomes black once again.

You’re losing a lot of blood. You know that. You can feel it when noise wakes you up and your eyelids feel like lead. All the noise is muffled, as if you’re underwater. Frankly it feels like you are. It would be so easy to let the waves of darkness just wash over you right now, to let the water take you under. No, you can’t give up the fight and drown into unconsciousness just yet. You force yourself to stay awake.

Barely getting your eyes open, bright red lights flood your vision. You imagine you’re still in bed, or at least asleep at your desk, with the alarm clock blaring, not here with blaster fire. Wait, blaster fire? You attempt to turn your head to the side to look, or to dodge, you aren’t to sure in your current state. The fast action causes you to feel like you’re spinning, or it might be the room, either way your eyes can’t focus on what is going on. Closing your eyes again to make it stop, you hear voices surrounding you. They sound so far away at the moment but finally, after what feels like ages, one voice sounds clearer.

“Please help us. Help us get out of here. Her m-counts aren’t nearly as high as the child’s. They’re demanding more blood. She’s already lost 2 liters, I don’t know how much longer she can last.”

Child? They wanted to do this to a child? You’d choke down a sob if you could just thinking of that poor baby. What did he even say about what-counts? What the hell are those? All these questions are making your head spin more and more. Taking most of your energy to open your eyes, you’re met with a chrome stormtrooper trying to unbind you. Wait no, not a stormtrooper. You’ve heard stories about him and his people. What were they called? For the life of you, you can’t remember right now.

“You’re going to need help getting her out of here,” you realize that the man in the whit coat was the one who spoke before and is now pleading with the metal man, “Please Mandalorian take me with you and I’ll help you get her out of here.”

That’s it. He’s a Mandalorian. He gets your wrists free as the doctor takes the IV out. Pushing off the table to sit up, the world starts spinning again. You don’t even realize you’re about to hit the table again until the Mandalorian grabs your shoulders to keep you semi-upright. You hear some sort of static come from his helmet. “Fine.” he grumbles, “help me get her out of this thing.”

With a flip of a switch, the rest of your body is free from restraints. Eager to get out of there, you swing your legs over the edge of the table, hands finding the arms of the Mandalorian with his hands still on your shoulders. Nauseous and woozy, you try to use the cold metal of his pauldron to ground yourself, to get the room to stop spinning. He can see you start to sway and wraps his arms around your waist as he lowers you from the table. Your feet hit the floor and black dots start to cloud your vision. Blood pounding in your ears trying to tell you to stop and lie back down. Muffled voices come from beside you again as you feel another arm wrap around you from the other side. Your feet dragging against the floor as both men on either side of you go towards the door.

You feel the heavily armored man to your left let go. Eyes that are still fuzzy and unfocused sort of see him peak out the door with his blaster drawn. He leaves the room and all that can be heard is the pew pew pew of blaster fire. Vision start to come back the tiniest bit, you can see him standing in the door way waving his hand as to say Come on.

The three of you hurry as fast as you can down the corridor to get to an exit. Lots of twists and turns, just for you all to come up at a dead end. So much for rescuing, you think to yourself as the doctor still holding you up, leans you up against a pillar as the two of them survey the situation. More of the Mandalorian assessing the situation and the doctor just frantically pacing back and forth.

Sitting down now that the adrenaline of being kidnapped and “rescued” die down, you feel your breathing getting shallower and harder to breath. Eyelids getting heavy again. You just want to lay down and go to sleep, hoping that will fix things. Starting your descent from your upright position to close your eyes, two hands grab your shoulders and jerk you up. It takes a second to realize this modulated voice was talking you you. “Hey, you got to stay with me now,” he pleads, one hand going to the side of your face. Pain spreads across your features due to being struck there earlier, a bruise starting to form in its place. Pulling his hand away like seeing the your face contorted burned him, he continues, “I’m going to get you out of here, you just have to stay awake.” You open your mouth to speak, but your throat feels like it’s filled with sand from Tattooine, so you just weakly nod your head yes. “Okay good,” the shiny man says after letting out a deep breath.

Still holding your shoulders, he helps you stand up and tells the doctor to take you and go further down the hall. Taking something small and circular out of his belt and placing it on the far wall, he speed walks back toward you two. It starts blinking red as his arms come and cage both of you in. Peeking over his shoulder, you see the wall disappear. Well explode, but one second ago it was there and now it’s not. When the explosion first rings in your ears, you reflexively reach out for the Mandalorian’s arm and feel him tense under your touch.

When he deems it safe to move again, letting go of his arm, he hops over the rubble to the outside world, blaster drawn. Looking out you think it looks like a desert, but one you’ve never seen before. You have no idea where you are, even what planet you are on. You eyes go to where the chrome man is stalking towards. It seems he found two speeder bikes that the troopers use, sans the troopers. Your feet hit the gravel and you realize you aren’t wearing shoes anymore. How long was I out? You begin to question when you see a stormtrooper take aim at your rescuer. Right when he pulls the trigger, you reach your hand out and scream, “NO!”

You could’ve sworn it was going to hit him. It should’ve hit him. But at the last second it bent and went in another direction. You knew stormtroopers were bad shots, but nothing like that has ever happened. The Mandalorian whips around at your scream and shoots the trooper down. He goes back to what he originally planned to do, but not without turning to you. You see his chest plate heave up and down a few times before turning back around. After a beat, the only sound you can hear is the Mandalorian starting up the speeders and your heartbeat pounding in your ears. The doctor helps guide you to the bikes and as you’re about to get on behind him, the Mandalorian picks you up bridal style and sits on his own respective bike. You make a noise of discontent at the sudden action and are then seated in front of him, yet again caged in by his arms with your legs draped over one of his. You can hear him breathing through the modulator as he states, “Just in case you pass out again. Can’t have you falling off the back of the bike.” You go to adjust how you are sitting when he takes off.

Gasping in shock, you hug your arms around his neck with you head in his cowl as you take panicked breaths. His hand touches your back as you hear him shout over the noise of the engines, “Put your legs around me, you’re slipping off.” He holds your waist as you sling your right leg around and hook it with your left one behind his back. Not the position you thought you’d end up in as a blush creeps up on your face, but neither the less here you are. His hand lets go of your waist and back to the handlebars as he steers.

Suddenly getting the feeling like you’re being followed, you say into his neck cowl, “Go left!” You don’t know why, but you just get a gut feeling to go that way. He follows your lead, not without a brief hesitation. The doctor follows on his speeder in the same direction. Finally looking up you see two stormtroopers in the distance. I wish their speeders would just stop or something, you plead with yourself and you think back to what happened with the blaster. Testing the waters, you unhook one of your hands from Mando’s neck and hold it out and... nothing. Okay focus, you close your eyes and picture their speeders stopping, or malfunctioning, or anything at this point.

The sound of a crash comes ringing into your ears. Opening your eyes, you can see the troopers flip over their handlebars as if their engines just died. You slightly chuckle to yourself as your eyelids feel heavy again. You try to get them to stay open, but sleep just feels so much better at the moment. And with that, you’re out like a light.

Din feels you go limp against him. His arm once again going to grab you by your waist to keep you in place. He wills his speeder to go faster, to get back to the Razor Crest sooner as he’s panicking thinking he somehow made the situation worse. He exposed you on the bike by having you sit like this. Your arms, legs, and head were all exposed to possible blaster fire. Have you been hit? He heard a crash but couldn’t look back without moving you more, risking leaving you more unprotected. His blame for himself spirals as his grip on you grows tighter. He can’t explain why he’s so distraught over a stranger, but still every time he blinks, he swears he sees back on that table. The next time he swears he sees his son on that very table again. First he gave the kid up to those people, now he didn’t finish Gideon off and let you, an innocent stranger who he is now clutching onto for dear life, get in the crossfire. Too many people have gotten hurt because of this. Because of him. He needs to make it right.

Finally Din and Dr. Pershing arrive at the Razor Crest where Din is already lowering the hatch and carrying you in. Kicking some crates together, he gently lowers you down onto this makeshift bed. He uses his thermal setting to see your body temperature, to see how you are recovering from the blood loss. He isn’t thrilled to see it still low, you were getting your energy back slowly before, along with more body heat, bit not enough to Din’s liking. Turning his helmet to Pershing, the doctor says, “She’s going to need more blood.” Din, already standing ready to run out and get some, not even knowing where or how to do that, is stopped by Pershing telling him that he’ll go get it, that it would look less suspicious. Agreeing, Din sits by your side while using his comm-link to tell Greef that he could bring Grogu back to the ship. How Din always finds someone to babysit still surprises him.

You wake up with a start. Eyes not yet adjusted to the lights overhead. Looking down you can see an IV in your arm again. Now towards the side, you can see the same doctor from before asleep up against a wall. Please tell me it wasn’t a dream, tears well up in your eyes as you think you’ve made the whole thing up to cope. It wasn’t until you felt your hand come to wipe away your watery eyes that you realized it just might not be a dream. The IV isn’t taking blood this time, it’s giving it.

Finally looking around, you realize you’re on a ship that feels like it’s moving. Confused by this, you try and sit up. Not nearly as dizzy as before, you slowly swing your legs off the wooden crates you’re lying on. Noticing your still barefoot as a chill gets sent up to your spine by the cold metal floor, you grab your IV bag off what appears to be just a hook poorly attached to the ceiling. You venture around the small area of the ship, noticing there isn’t a lot besides these boxes and what appears to be two storage type of units. You don’t even tempt to look in, too intrusive. You do however see a ladder going higher up on the ship. Taking the IV out and ripping a piece of your shirt off to wrap around your arm for pressure, so you can use both hands to climb, you start your ascent up.

Once you finally reach the top, you hear cooing? Didn’t that doctor say something about a child earlier? Looking forward into the cockpit, you see your savior flying while looking to his right at one of the co-pilot chairs. Clearing your throat to get his attention, two little eyes peer at you from the seat. A bright smile appears on this little green things face and you can’t help but stifle a laugh because its ears are the size of his body.

Distracted by this cute baby, you don’t notice the way the Mandalorian swivels his chair to face you. Finally looking at the man who saved you today, your breath hitches. You don’t know how to thank him for what he did, so you sort of just stand and stare for a second. He stands up and lightly grabs your arm with your homemade bandage on it. Tilting his helmet to the side you hear static coming from it. Did he just sigh at you? “You were supposed to keep it in your arm,” he finally states, with a tinge of annoyance.

Eyes not wanting to meet the T of his visor, you direct your gaze to the ground. “ I jus- I-,” you stammer, not able to find the right words. “Thank you.” It comes out more hushed than you’d like, but he still hears you. He just gives you a slight nod before releasing his arm and heading back to his seat. All your muscles turn to stone as you stand there not knowing if you should leave or not, until he cocks his head towards the seat to his left. On shaky legs you find your way to the seat. Before even sitting down fully, the little green child is already trying to get into your lap. Giggling to yourself you let him up onto your lap.

Once you do the strangest thing happens. You can feel what he’s thinking, his emotions, his past. How he was trained with the special abilities, much like the ones you just displayed before. How he was scared and in hiding until the man sitting in front of you found him. How he thinks of him as a father, his dad. Your chest tightens at that one. Still confused as to why the same people who wanted this child, Grogu, for his powers, also wanted you, you pull him to your chest to comfort you both. You finally speak up again and ask, “Did they want me because I might have the same abilities as this one?” You meant it to sound strong, but it just came out sounding weak.

Without looking at you, the Mandalorian replies shortly after a pause, “Yes.” You swore you can see his grip tighten on the ships steering as he says that. Turning to the two of you finally, he says in the sincerest voice you’ve heard out of him, “They wont get to either of you again. I can promise you that.” Your chest swells at this statement and Grogu looks up at you with a smile as if he felt the way your heart fluttered. You wish you were the one wearing the helmet right now because you can feel your cheeks heat up. To ease the situation in the best way you can, awkwardly, you clear your throat before asking, “So where are we headed now?”

Swiveling back in his chair to hit a few buttons, you’re confused not knowing what they are supposed to do until he pulls up a map and points a place out. He tells you that he’s going to drop off Dr. Pershing at one of the squiggles you see and then try and figure it out from there. “So, I guess thats where I get off too?” You meant it to come out more as a statement than a question, but after what you just went through, you’d rather not be left to fend for youself.

“If that’s what you want,” he finally utters after a while. “ But they’re not going to stop coming after you. Either of you. It might be safer for you to stay here with me, us.” The last part comes out so quiet, it’s almost as if he didn’t want you to hear, out of fear of your response.

Trying to not answer too quickly, you take a deep breath and finally say, “Yes. I’d like that a lot.” With a curt nod, he turns back around. Warmth fills your chest yet again at this stranger’s kindness. It’s just because I have the same abilities as his child, you try to convince yourself. But deep down you’re hoping it’s more than that. The child in your lap grips your fingers tightly and coos, as if he’s trying to tell you your hopes might not be too far off.

Oh, it’s going to be an interesting adventure with these two, you smile to yourself.

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popcrone818 · 4 years

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Spitfire - sweet pea x reader

Part two

Here is part two to spitfire, if you like it please don’t forget to comment on it. I love hearing feedback. If anyone wants to help out and beta my work I would love that too. Shoot me a message or ask with anything. I’m also thinking of creating a tag list so if you want to be on that then let me know.

Also gif not mine let me know if you know who’s it is

Sweet Pea POV

I watched as she walked up on stage once the music started, I couldn’t help but keep my eyes on her as she discarded her shirt looking around for something. Her eyes found mine as she tossed her shirt and I brought my beer up to my lips as she got rid of her jeans leaving her in a red lace lingerie set. My eyes widened at the sight and she never took her eyes off me. I could feel the heat travelling to my dick as she finished up and took off to the side of the stage where I could see Toni was waiting for her. Fangs and I made our way over to the two girls as Rory pulled her jeans up her legs. I took her new jacket off Toni and walked over to her. I placed the leather on her shoulders and she pushed her arms through the sleeves, I gathered up her red hair and pulled it gently out of her collar and rested it over her left shoulder before I rested both of my hands on her shoulders.

“You’re officially a serpent now. How do you think your brothers going to react once he finds out?” I lent down to whisper in her ear. I felt her tense up under my palms.

“I guess he’ll just never find out then.” She shrugged and I squeezed her shoulders gently before sitting down at the bar and looking at Toni for a drink.

“You’re brother is going to kill you Rory.” I heard Jones say from beside me. I noticed out of the corner of my eye he had taken my place behind Rory gently squeezing her shoulders. I felt my jaw clench slightly as she shrugged and took a swig of her beer.

“Honestly I think he needs to get his head out of his ass. You guys are actually really cool and I’m glad I get to call you my friends now too. Let him kill me he wouldn’t he loves me too much.”I felt something warm inside me but quickly shut it down and forgot about it as the door to the wyrm was thrown open I didn’t Bohr looking behind me as the intruders made their way up to the bar and stopped just short of Rory and I being at the end.

“Aurora! We’re going home now!” I heard the Northsider yell as I saw Rory stand up to face her brother before taking another sip of beer.

“Um, no thanks, I’m good here.” I watched as she turned her back on him and he stood taller standing over her trying to regain control of the situation and ultimately Rory. I stood up next to her slightly closer than was probably necessary as one of the other bulldogs walked up beside Red. I let her hand gently rest on my own as she placed her body in front of mine.

“You’re one of them now? A serpent?” Red asked squinting his eyes in his sisters direction looking down at her. My body stiffened and I took a small step closer, my lower stomach now in contact with her back. I felt my fists clench beside me. My anger at the disrespect for his sister settling in my stomach.

“Yes now please leave before you make a fool of yourself even more than your doing now!” She pointed to the door and Red followed her finger. I felt her hand on my bicep as she almost gave me whiplash with her strength pulling me back to the bar.

“You know, I’d still bang you Andrew’s even if you are just another serpent slut.” I heard one of the bulldogs whisper in her ear, closest to me, he seemed to be taunting her and me, knowing he would get a rise out me by saying that. I stood up and let my fist connect with the bulldogs jaw. I was not about to let him just walk all over her like that my protective instincts kicking in at the way Rory had tensed up at his words. Soon enough the bulldog landed a punch on my left cheek but I was quick with another blow to his pretty little face. I felt Jones pull me off the bulldog with Red doing the same to him.

“You’ve just made a big mistake Rory.” Red yelled as he dragged the bulldogs out of the wyrm. I turned myself back to my beer taking a swig to calm myself down in an effort to not snap again. I could taste a slight metallic flavour to the beer and and I brought my hand up to observe the damage on my lip.

“You didn’t need to do that Sweet Pea, I can handle Reggie.” She told me as she placed a small hand on my left cheek, I winced slightly, surely there would be a bruise there, she was gentle as she touched my face taking in the wince at the initial contact o her cold hands. I felt as all of my anger washed away with one simple small touch from one small girl.

“What’s serpent law number 1 Rory?” I held her gaze as I asked her the question.

“No serpent stands alone.” She recited as I nodded and turned my head away from her touch not liking how weak I felt under her fingers, but also not hating the way my skin tingled from her fingers, I would not let some Northsider have this effect on me. “I better go have a screaming match with my brother, I’ll see you guys later.” Toni nodded at her and I watched as she made her way out of the wyrm. I felt a slap to the back of my head.

“What was all that dude?” I heard Fangs ask from beside me. I shrugged at him.

“No women should be treated like that, serpent or not.” I got Toni to pass me another beer. “Round of pool before we head off too?” I asked him. He nodded and Toni followed us over to the pool tables. As I racked up the balls Toni turned her head to me. A questioning look hiding behind her brown eyes.

“You like her don’t you?” I scoffed as I took my shot.

“I barely like you two.” The game went smoothly and as usual Fangs got his ass handed to him and he pushed $20 into my chest. He’ll never learn.

“You would never let anyone touch you like she did tonight, not even to patch you up.” Toni just wouldn’t drop it. I groaned as Fangs put away the cue’s and balls.

“Just drop it okay she’s an Andrew’s anyway.” I shrugged and walked out of the wyrm up to my bike. I decided against a helmet and turned the key hearing the engine roar to life before I sped off in the direction of the Northside. She should be home by now, I just wanted to make sure she was safe, that’s what I kept telling myself as I turned down her street. I slowed down almost stopping outside her house and noticed the living room light on, I could faintly here yelling over the loud sound of my engine and I knew she was home safe. The curtains by the door shifted so I took off again revving the engine slightly before changing gears and heading back to sunnyside trailer park.

Aurora POV

“She’s a serpent now dad!” I heard Archie telling dad as soon as I walked in the door, my serpent jacket hanging from my elbow as it got a touch warm on the walk home.

“That better be you Aurora and you better have a damn good reason for joining the serpents!” I heard my dad yell as I tried to sneak my way into my bedroom.

“Yeah dad, its me.” I purposely didn’t answer the question about being a serpent.

“How did FP allow you to become a serpent?” My dad questioned as I walked into the kitchen.

“FP doesn’t know, some guy named Tall Boy initiated me. With the help of a serpent Archie’s age. It’s fine dad I’d rather be protected than not with the black hood business going on.” I crossed my arms over my chest. Placing my jacket over the back of the couch.

“You can’t be a serpent Rory! They came to our house to fight me!” Archie yelled at me getting closer.

“That’s because you waved a gun in Sweet Pea’s face! Yes I know exactly what happened and I also know that you threw the first punch, so don’t even try to tell me it was their fault or that they’re thugs because as far as I’m aware you are at fault right now not us.” I crossed my arms over my chest. Archie’s ja dropped a I mentioned us and not just the serpents. I heard a soft rumble of an engine pass by the house. Archie made his way over to the front window by the door and peaked his head out. “Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I threw my arms out beside me.

“Language young lady!” My dad yelled over me and Archie.

“You think they’re going to come back for round 2. Believe it or not but family members of serpents are actually protected too. So unless I specifically tell them not to protect you Sweet Pea cannot touch you again. And believe me, right now I’m this fucking close.”

“Aurora!”

“Sorry dad, I just can’t believe Archie right now.”

“I’m not too thrilled about you being a serpent either Aurora. But if you think this is going to protect you and us from the black hood I’m willing to make an exception.” Dad shrugged which only angered Archie even further.

“Dad! She’s a serpent, Jughead is a serpent, your best friend is a serpent and he is currently behind bars. Don’t you think she would be safer without them?” Archie raised his arms before laying them down by his sides.

“Look, FP is an adult, he chose them when he was her age. Jughead is just following in his fathers footsteps for protection just like Rory. Once FP gets out he can decide if she stays or goes. As for you Rory, I want you to go and tell FP about this little development tomorrow. See what your godfather has to say about all of this. Because I sure as hell cannot deal with the two of you right now, so I’m going to bed.” With a wave of his hand dad stomped his way up the stairs. Archie and I stayed still glaring at each other until the slam of a door broke us out of it.

“I seriously can’t believe you did this Rory, they’re bad people and now you have ruined your life, for what? A guy? Sweet Pea was his name? You’ve got to be-,” my hand collided with the side of his face.

“Don’t you dare even think I did this for a guy. Because in the last two days the serpents have actually been there for me more than you have since dad got shot. Ive made three really good friends and Jug and I are closer than ever before. Don’t even think you know what is going on in my life. You only care about yourself. And for the record I don’t like Sweet Pea as anything more than a friend.”

“Aurora! He’s the one that did Jughead’s initiation, you saw what he looked like afterwards.” Archie was trying to get me to turn against them.

“Yes I was there. I watched Sweet Pea with his brass knuckles get Jug in the side of the face, also I was the one to clean him up after and I went to the Whyte with him to get his jacket, where Sweet Pea was an asshole to me and I never back down you know that. Which is how I got to where I am now, but I couldn’t be happier Archie. So please for once try to be my brother instead of an asshole.” With that I turned away grabbing my jacket and headed upstairs to my bedroom slamming the door before I flopped face down on my bed. My phone vibrated with a message as I rolled over to look at the ceiling. I groaned before taking it out to check it.

Sweet Pea: hope you got home safe, also hope you didn’t get your ass handed to you by red.

I laughed silently at him being a dork. He wont even acknowledge that Archie is my brother. I’m pretty sure his brain would spontaneously combust.

Me: yes I’m home safe. I put him in his place don’t worry about me, I’m tough 🤯

Shortly after I hit send I got another message from Jug this time.

Juggie: did Archie and your dad kill you?

Me: dad wasn’t happy at first but then I mentioned how family members are protected too and he seemed to ease out of it. But I’m this close to letting Sweet Pea off his leash to go after Archie again. I’m fucking over it all. All the Northside, Southside bullshit. Juggie what do I do?

Juggie: you do nothing, we got your back and I’m sure Sweet Pea would kill anyone that gave you shit. He’s loyal like that.

Me: and another thing why does Sweet Pea keep coming up in conversations I have? Archie accused me of sleeping with him. Ive only known him like two days.

Juggie: you brought him up in this convo Rory, don’t try blame me this time, I think you’ve got a crush!

Me: I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH! He’s just a good friend now after he got over the fact that I’m a northsider.

Juggie: sure whatever you reckon. Anyway tomorrow after school meet me at pops we gotta talk.

Me: sure thing I’ll see you then. Goodnight x

Juggie: goodnight x

I changed out of my clothing for the day and into my pyjama shirt before pulling the covers back on my bed and climbing in. Before I could close my eyes my phone vibrated against the side table.

Sweet Pea: sure you’re tough, anyway just wanted to make sure your got home okay from the wyrm and to say goodnight.

Me: goodnight Sweet Pea.

I fell asleep thinking about a certain tall dark and handsome serpent that night.

A couple of months after my initiation I had gotten wind that Mayor McCoy was raiding Southside high and anyone with a jacket was going down. I ran with Jughead into the school only to see two deputies push Sweet Pea into a row of lockers. Toni not far from him with only one deputy on her. I locked eyes with Sweet Pea before he mouthed ‘run’ to me. I turned around and followed Jug down the steps of Southside high. We took off running in the direction of Northside, more specifically to my house where he and I could regroup and discuss what we just saw and what we do about it now.

“What the fuck just happened?” I asked Jug as I made us both some coffee.

“Mantle said he got JJ from a serpent for Veronica’s party the other night when Cheryl was almost raped by some guy Veronica knew in New York. So the serpents and Southside high were raided, I don’t know how long they’re going to be locked up for though.” Jug put his head in his hands and groaned, this was just one big mess.

“I’m going to fucking kill Reggie!” I slammed my hand down on the counter before leaning closer to Jughead. “I know for a fact it was a Ghoulie who sold that to him.” He nodded with me. The rest of the night Jug and I spent watching movies and trying to not think about our friends that had just been locked up.

Jug couldn’t go to school the next day as Southside high was still being raided before the serpents would be released so I told him he could stay at mine, Archie and dad wouldn’t mind so I was on my way to school, jacket hanging off my shoulders when Reggie Mantle decided to be a dick and come up to me at my locker.

“So your really one of them now? I thought you had standards, but I guess not.” He shrugged leaning on the locker beside mine, I ignored him as he lent down slightly to whisper in my ear. “I’d still fuck you, though I’m sure you been passed around the serpents enough.” I slammed my locker door shut before my fist connected to Reggie’s face. I heard a sickening crack and smiled triumphantly before turning around and walking away. “Just like that serpent toy of yours always so hot headed.” I heard him wheeze out through his broken nose. I took a deep calming breath before I stomped back over to Reggie.

“A) not my toy just a friend, and B) you’re the reason my friends are currently locked up. Get your head out of your ass Mantle, you know it was a Ghoulie who sold you the JJ, you just don’t like the serpents.” I flicked my hair in his face as he held his nose blood rushing out. I rushed into the nearest bathroom and ran my hand under some cold water. My knuckles were already starting to bruise up.

“Students of Riverdale High, this is your principal, emails have been sent out to your parents, effective immediately, Southside High will be shutdown. Students will be transferred to other schools in the district, including this one.” I heard the voice of principal Weatherbee come over the speakers, I silently did a small cheer as I wouldn’t be the only one in this school wearing a serpent jacket. Betty would be happy Jug is coming back. I was excited as I’m sure Sweet Pea, Fangs and Toni would all be coming here, the rest of the day I couldn’t focus too excited for my friends to be joining this school and I wouldn’t feel so alone anymore.

Juggie: did you hear Southside is being shut down?

Me: yeah heard he announcement this morning. I’m excited for you all to be here though. Have you heard anything about when they’re getting let out?

Juggie: yeah this afternoon they get out, want to join me in getting Toni, Fangs and Sweet Pea out?

Me: fuck yes I do, meet you at the station after school?

Juggie: ��

I hopped in my car after school watching as Reggie sent me a death glare from his spot leaning against his precious Bella. Not long after I left school I joined Jughead at the station where Fangs, Sweet Pea and Toni were being uncuffed. I ran up and pulled Toni into a bone crushing hug which she returned. Fangs then mockingly held out his arms and I pulled him into me as Jug hugged Toni. My eyes swept over Sweet Pea who looked slightly uncomfortable at all the affection being thrown around and when I pulled away from Fangs I walked up to him.

“I’m glad your okay.” I told him before I felt his arms wrap around my shoulders. I wrapped my arms around his middle under his jacket and held him tightly. His head rested on mine as mine rested on his chest. His height is ridiculous. I caught Toni’s smirk as she watched us before we pulled away. “Who’s up for Pop’s?” I got a chorus of ‘hell yeah’ as Toni, Fangs and Sweet Pea climbed into my car and Jug climbed onto his bike. We sent the rest of the night laughing and sharing funny stories at a booth in pop’s before our worlds would be turned upside down tomorrow at school. We all knew that the Southside high students wouldn’t be be welcomed at Riverdale high and they were dreading it. I told them I would would walk through the doors with them and help Sweet Pea beat up anyone that would look at them differently. I had told them about Reggie this morning and how I handled it, Sweet Pea gave me a high five and Jughead just shook his head at us. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I looked around before pulling it out thinking it was Betty.

ToniT: you wanna be a bit more obvious?

I gave her a look and she typed out another message, three dots showing up on my screen.

ToniT: you and sweet pea are scarily alike, and you keep looking at him with heart eyes 😍😍.

Me: no I don’t. And I just don’t like being messed with. You saw the way I stood up to sweet pea when I first met him. Stop trying to play matchmaker, if you think we’re so alike wouldn’t that be a bad thing if we were together?

ToniT:mmm so you’ve thought bout you and him together? That’s so cute! No one has ever stood up to him the way you did that night. No one usually gets a chance before they’re on their ass.

Me:I’m done with this conversation.

I shook my head and pocketed my phone again.

“Who was that?” Jughead asked nudging me with his shoulder.

“Archie.” I lied taking a long sip of my coffee milkshake. I made eye contact with Toni before the night started to get away from us and we all decided to head off. Being the only Northsider I decided to walk home. Just as I left the parking lot of pop’s I heard a bike stop beside me.

“Want a ride trouble?” I turned to see Sweet Pea holding out his helmet. I grinned and nodded before taking his helmet and kicking my leg over the bike. He sped off down the road and I finally felt free. I had started the ride with a death grip on Sweet Pea but by the time we got to my house I held both arms out beside me and enjoyed the feeling of the air rushing through my body.

Sweet Pea POV

I watched as Rory pushed through the doors of Southside high just as I was pushed into a row of lockers by two deputies. Assholes couldn’t even take me one on one. I mouthed ‘run’ to her as a pair of handcuffs were tightened around my wrists. I let out a curse as they were tightened too tight and I watched and Topaz was also arrested beside me. I just hope Rory got out safe she was wearing her jacket, if she was caught wearing it in Southside high she would also be arrested. We spent the night locked up but I never saw Rory so hopefully she was going to be okay with Jones. Once we were let out we had been informed that Southside high was being shutdown. I knew Jones would be pissed but Fangs, Toni and I couldn’t be happier. I was finally going to be able to make something of myself and get out of this shit hole of a town. Jones and Rory came and joined us once we were uncuffed, she watched as the cuffs were taken off us, I never wanted her to see this I was hoping she would just see us tomorrow for our first day but I had been wrong. She threw herself at Toni. The two smaller girls holding each other close, Fangs held out his arms for Rory to run into. My fists clenched before I released them and flexed my hands. Lastly she came over to me, usually I’m not one who is big into hugs but watching the way both Toni and Fangs melted into her embrace made me crave the feeling of her arms wrapped around me.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” She told me looking down and fiddling with a ring on her right middle finger. I couldn’t take it anymore and I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her tightly to my chest, she wrapped her arms around my stomach and rested her head on my chest. I felt her small cold hands rest on my back just above my jeans. I felt my heart beating erratically in my chest and wondered if she could hear it as I placed my head on top of hers, inhaling he scent of vanilla and sweet pea, loving the way she felt in my arms. “Who’s up for Pop’s?” She asked as she pulled away from me. We all agreed and the three of us followed her out to her car as Jones got on his bike.

At Pop’s we all ended up laughing hysterically at some stories that the three of us told about our lives. Memories growing up with the two of them and the mischief we used to get up to. Rory had decided to tell us what had happened between her and Mantle that morning and how she handled it. I gave her a high five and a wide grin knowing she was capable of looking after herself regardless of being a northsider. I noticed her right hand had bruises on the knuckles and absentmindedly reached for her hand, our fingers brushed together gently before she pulled her hand off the table and rested it in her lap. I silently sighed and took another sip of my milkshake not making eye contact with anyone at the booth. I heard a vibration coming from Rory but didn’t bother to look up. More vibrations came as I heard her nails clicking away at the screen of her phone.

“Who was that?” I heard Jones ask her and my head shot up. Her eyes found mine before she replied to him.

“Archie.” She said and shrugged, I could seen it in her eyes she was lying but I thought I would leave it be for the time being. A few hours later we all decided it was getting late and we should all leave. I watched her as she started walking out of the parking lot and turned left instead of right like the rest of us would. I quickly climbed on my bike and took off after her, she stopped in the sidewalk before she realised it was me.

“Want a ride trouble?” I asked her chuckling to myself, I was one to talk, trouble always found me, and right now the trouble that found me was in the form of a Northside serpent. I held out my helmet to her not caring that I didn’t have one for myself now, she grinned and took it. I ensured that it was done up under her chin correctly and told her to hang on as I took off. I heard her shriek slightly as her grip on my waist tightened. I chuckled and sped a bit faster wanting her to hold me tighter. Halfway to her house I felt her arms let go of my body. I took a look in the side mirror and watched as her eyes closed and her arms spread out on either side of her body. She was breathtaking but I missed the feeling of her arms around my body. Once we got to her place she placed her hands on my shoulders and kicked her leg over my bike pushing her body off it using my shoulders as leverage. She handed me back my helmet and we just stared at each other not knowing what to say to the other.

“Want a ride in the morning?” I asked her clipping the helmet to the handlebars of my bike. She nodded and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. I think this is the most shy I’ve ever seen her, she usually always has something witty to say to me.

A week later and Weatherbee had given all serpents ‘uniforms’ to wear as he thought none of us would be able to afford Riverdale High appropriate clothing, and we all had to cover our tattoos. Which resulted in me having to wear a turtle neck. We were all sitting in the student lounge when Rory walked in and almost pissed herself laughing at Toni and I. I glared at har as she walked up to us. She sat herself down on my lap and poked my turtle neck covered tattoo.

“Loving the turtle neck there Sweet Pea.” She giggled again as she looked around us strangely. “Where’s Fangs?” She asked once she stopped giggling.

“He refused to wear the uniform so Weatherbee suspended him until he wears it.” I shrugged at her as Jones walks into the lounge. Toni got up to greet him as he hands Rory a large coffee cup.

“So its either conform or be cast out?” He exclaims angrily.

“Yeah.” Toni sighs as she takes a sip from her coffee cup. Rory follows suit also taking a sip of her new coffee and moans as I feel her relax against my chest. I laugh at her.

“Is that what you sound like in bed?” I whispered in her ear laughing lightly. She shoved me in the chest lightly.

“You wish you knew what I sounded like in bed don’t you Pea?” I felt her breath on my ear as she leaned in closer to me.

“Are you two done eye fucking each other? Some of us want to keep our breakfast down before you start to take clothes off each other.” Jughead whacked Rory on the back on the head causing her head to knock gently into mine.

“Fuck you Jones.” I rubbed my head where hers had connected and she turned around on my lap to look at our friends. I wrapped my hands around her waist gently as Toni and Rory started up a conversation about Rory getting a few shifts either at the wyrm or pop’s. I wasn’t really paying attention to what she was saying but rather how she was talking. I watched as her eyes light up before she took her phone out of her back pocket putting all her weight onto my pelvis as she lifted the other side of her ass up to get her phone. Her tongue poked out through her teeth and she scrolled furiously through her phone looking for something to show Toni before she turned it around to show the pink haired girl. They both giggled and I felt her place her free hand on my knee absentmindedly rubbing circles with her thumb. I felt Jones kick my shin to get my attention. It shook me out of my trance as I turned my head to look around Rory at the serpent legacy. He only just raised his eyebrows at me before he looked at Rory then back to me. I shrugged and tuned back into Rory and Toni’s conversation.

“… so we need to go shopping today after school then.” I felt Rory chuckle at Toni and nodded.

“Wanna come shopping with us Sweet Pea?” Rory asked me adjusting yet again my lap.

“He doesn’t do shopping.” Toni answered before I could say I would like to go with them. I think she may have just wanted a girls shopping trip. But I also know the amount of times I’ve complained when she has dragged me shopping, so I guess she was right, but I found myself just always wanting to be around Rory. Even more now that I got to know her. Yes the first night I saw her with Jones at the wyrm I thought she was hot, then she stood up to me and said she would become a serpent just to prove me wrong and I thought the way the light captured her deep red hair was beautiful. Then she started to hang out with us more at the wyrm and I started to get to know her more, the day we were all hauled into the sheriffs station and I saw her push through Southside highs doors right before I was slammed into a row of lockers I knew then and there that I needed to protect her from everything bad that goes on in the serpents. I knew she could handle herself but I also just wanted her to see me as something more than just a hot headed serpent going nowhere. In the time I have known her she and I have gotten really close, as well as Toni and Fangs, but sometimes I feel like she enjoys our slight banter and may even be more comfortable around me than the other two. In different ways she is friends with all of us. She and Jones have been friends since they were born, so they have an unbreakable bond with each other, like brother and sister, but less fighting. She and Fangs are on the verge of that brother-sister bond as well, they play fight and play wrestle like she’s one of the guys. She and Toni have that weird girly bond, they talk about shoes and clothes and boys, when us boys aren’t around though, Jones doesn’t want to hear about who Rory thinks is bangable this week, I find myself not wanting to be part of that conversation either. But with Rory and I its just comfortable. She can come up to me and sit in my lap without it being weird, we flirt with each other and we push buttons, I can pull her into a long, tight hug and she will know I needed that then and hug me back just as tight. She gets me, and I get her. We are one in the same but yet we both balance each other out. One touch from her and my anger can dissipate into thin air. One touch from me and she’s smiling again instead of frowning. I hated to see her frown, it made me wonder what she was thinking about. Every time she touches me though I get brought right back to the night she became a serpent almost three months ago now. When the bulldogs came in and I had a busted lip from Mantle, the way she had held my face in her hand had sent electricity through my whole being. At the time I thought she was trying to make me weak, but as time went on I noticed that when I was around her I actually felt stronger.

“Hey! Serpent slut!” Mantle strode in and Toni and Rory looked over, he could be talking about either one of them, but either way I didn’t like it as Rory got up off me and walked over to him.

“What do you want mutt?” She crossed her arms over her chest having left her coffee near me in case she needed her hands.

“I’m offering you a spot in my bed this weekend after Cheryl’s party,” he reached up and tucked a strand of auburn hair behind her ear, I saw red as he touched her and I was on my feet and heading over to them before I saw her grab his wrist twisting it painfully before she snarled and grit her teeth.

“Let’s make this very clear Reggie. I have never, nor will I ever think about being in a bed with you. I don’t need fleas from the likes of you.” She released his wrist and I lent against the couch Rory and I had been previously seated on.

“Oh but you’ll get bitten by one of those greasy snakes? I can see a faint mark on your neck there,” he reached up again and pointed to her neck. “Who gave that to you? One of them or all of them?” Her hand flew up to her neck and she looked back over to me. That’s my cue.

“Back off bulldog! She doesn’t want you.” I pushed her gently behind me. I knew this was partly my fault anyway. Last night I jokingly gave her a hickey while we were at the wyrm when she wouldn’t stop moving around on my lap.

“Oh but she wants you? A fucking snake? Pfft as if, serpent.” I pushed him in the chest as Toni and Jones came over to us. Toni taking Rory and leaving the lounge before things got messy. Mantle, Jones and I were suspended for two days because of the fight. After school got out I heard a knock on my door, groaning I got up off the couch to open it. I stood at my front door in a pair of sweats and no shirt as the ac in my trailer had shit itself and it was stupidly hot in there. I came face to face with a pair of bright green eyes.

“You gonna let me in?” She crossed her arms over her chest and I moved out of the way for her to make her way in. She sat down on the couch and shrugged off her light jacket resting it on the back of the couch. “You know I could have handled Reggie right?” She asked me as I moved into the kitchen to get some water for us.

“It was partly my fault that he started it anyway, I’m sure if he didn’t see the hickey it wouldn’t have escalated like it did.” I handed her the glass of water and sat down beside her. I watched as she took in everything about my trailer, I started to feel a bit self conscious as I noticed a small pile of clothes by the bathroom door and a bunch of empty take out boxes on the dinning room table. She looked back at me as she took a sip of her water. I knew she was used to a fancier home, her dad owned Andrew’s construction for fucks sakes she had it good and had a nice two story home on the Northside, and I lived alone in a tiny ass trailer on the Southside.

“I know but I can fight my own battles Pea, I don’t need you to do it for me all the time. I am a serpent too and I’ve been dealing with Reggie longer than I’ve known you.” She shrugged at me as she lifted her leg up so she could turn her whole body to me.

“I know you can, I just don’t like feeling useless when I know my friends are being looked down on. And again if I hadn’t have given that to you he probably wouldn’t have started it.” She placed her glass down on the coffee table in front of us before she started to fiddle with the rings on her fingers. I placed my much larger hands over hers and pried them apart from each other making her look up at me.

“I can’t keep letting you get suspended for fights over me anymore Pea. You need to lay off or your never going to lose the reputation of hot head.” She pulled her hands from mine and stood up.

“Maybe I just want to protect my friends, did you ever think about that? He many times have I gotten into fights over anything but people talking down to the Southside? How many time have you seen me punch someone who didn’t deserve it for being vulgar or disrespectful to either you or Toni, of even Fangs? What do you want me to do? Roll over and pretend nothing is happening? Just let people walk all over you? News flash Rory, that isn’t the way I was raised. I was raised a serpent, no serpent stands alone and I’ll be damned if I’m the one to leave you alone when you need me.” I ran my hands through my hair standing up halfway through my rant.

“Damnit Sweet Pea! I don’t need you to protect me! I am my own person, I can handle a couple of dim witted bulldogs and I can even handle some serpents. I’m not some fragile fucking doll for you to protect.” She started to pace around in my lounge room pulling at the roots of her hair. This was the first time I think I had ever seen her so worked up before.

“Well I’m sorry for taking an interest in the well being of my friend, Rory.” I took a step closer to her and she held up her hands in front of her.

“Then don’t.” She stopped pacing and turned to look at my eyes the best she could. I stooped my head down slightly so I could also see her eyes. “Just forget you ever fucking knew me because I can’t keep sitting here watching as you get yourself beaten to a pulp for me.” She tugged at her roots before she turned around and was out the door. I went to go after her but the door slammed in my face and I heard her car speed off. I punched the door causing a big hole to crumble. As I rested my head on the broken wood I thought about what I could have possibly done for her to hate me. I came up blank and decided to talk to her tomorrow at school.

Fangs and Toni had come by soon after Rory left.

“Dude! What happened to your door?” Fangs asked examining the splintered wood. I stayed sitting on my couch with my hands in my hair trying not to cry at the thought of never seeing Rory again.

“I think his anger got the best of him again, but my question is; who was it aimed at?” Toni asked as she made her way into the kitchen to pull out a beer for each of us.

“Myself.” I grumbled running my hands through my hair once again. I saw Fangs give Toni a look.

“He pissed off Rory, and now he blames himself for whatever happened, if I’m wrong tell me because I don’t see her here and she usually is. You two are usually watching movies and cuddling on the couch when we get here.” I groaned and shot Toni a glare, why did she have to be right. “Thought so, now what did you do?”

“She told me she could have handled Mantle today and I told her that I did it because I care about my friends and want to protect them. She then yelled at me, something about not being a fragile doll and told me to forget I ever knew her and then walked out the door.” I ran my hands through my hair again, missing the feeling of Rory dong it whenever she was bored.

“I know why she’s pissed then, but maybe just give her a bit of space and try talking to her in like a week or so.” Toni told me. “Now I’m going to check on my other friend because if I’m right as to why she is pissed then she needs me as much as you need Fangs. And you’re also a fucking idiot Sweet Pea, Fangs talk some sense into this dumbass please.” She put her hand on my knee and I jerked away. Too many times that hand had been Rory’s. Fangs saluted and I nodded as she took off out of my trailer and jumped on her bike.

“You like her don’t you?” Fangs turned to me.

“I think I remember this conversation from a couple of months ago, answer is still ‘I barely like you’.”

“Yes, but Toni and I aren’t Rory. You let her play with your hair, sit on your lap, you give each other hickies all the time, and I’m sure I’ve seen you smile and blush more in the last three months than I have in my whole life of knowing you. You’ve also gotten into a lot more fights since meeting her too. That Jason guy was the first one for seemingly no reason until Toni explained what had happened the night she became a serpent. You like her you dumbass and she likes you, your just too stubborn to admit it yourself and to her. She left and got pissed because you called her a friend and nothing more.” I shook my head at him.

#sweet pea x you #sweet pea x oc #sweet pea #sweet pea imagines #sweet pea x reader

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doc-pickles · 4 years

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i won’t hesitate (for you) ch. 11

Jo is happy, at least she feels like she is. When someone from her past shows up, will her and her daughter's world ever go back to normal? Or will things change for good?

This is it, my final chapter of Hesitate... I actually cried a bit finishing this off because I’ve been working on it since early June and we’re halfway through October now. I wanted to thank you guys SO MUCH for your continued support through comments, likes, reblogs, and just general support. I know that this has taken forever to finish but I’m grateful that y’all have stuck through it with me.

Thank you again and I hope you enjoy this final chapter.

xoxo Nina

Pull me close and I'll hold you tight

Don't be scared 'cause I'm on your side

Know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you

I will take your pain

And put it on my heart

I won't hesitate

Just tell me where to start

I thank the oceans for giving me you

You saved me once and I'll save you too

I won't hesitate for you

A Few Months Later…

“You look so handsome, I’d jump you right now if I didn’t have a surgery with Meredith to get to,” Jo grinned up at Alex as she straightened his tie, his eyes rolling as he grabbed her hands in his. “I for one am very proud that you got this office back. It’s been nice not having to fight for on call rooms when I need a nap.”

“You’re just using me for my office, you don’t even care that I’m Chief again,” Alex chuckled as Jo wore an offended look on her face at his accusation. “You sure you should be going into surgery? You’ve been pretty out of it the past day.”

Jo’s eyebrows raised, eyes narrowing at Alex as she glared at him, “Are you insinuating that I’m too pregnant to operate, Chief ?”

“No I'm telling you, as your husband , that you should take it easy,” Alex wrapped his arms around Jo, eyeing her as she continued to scowl at him. “I know you worked until your due date with Harper, but you’re taking care of a toddler and dealing with me. Maybe it’s time to take a break before you stress yourself into labor.”

Jo shrugged off Alex’s arm on her shoulder, her own arms crossed over her belly as she walked away from him. She knew she was only a week and half until her due date, but she wasn’t going to let that stop her from working.

“I’m perfectly fine Alex, I don’t need you hovering over my shoulder at all hours of the day,” Jo called over her shoulder as she walked out of his office. “I’ll see you later, I have a surgery to get to.”

Alex watched as Jo left his office, sighing as he fell into his desk chair. He’d been Chief for two months now and had never felt a stronger need to kick his wife’s stubborn ass. Even Amelia had agreed to go on an earlier maternity leave, in fact she’d been grateful that he’d offered it to her. But Jo didn’t want to admit that she might need some help and some rest before their second child came into the world.

“She’s gonna be the death of me,” Alex mumbled to himself as he began to sort through the paperwork on his desk.

45 minutes after his wife storms out of his office, Alex’s phone dings with a text from Meredith:

Operating in OR 3. Jo looks like shit.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Alex decided to check out what was happening for himself. After walking down towards the operating galleries, he quietly slipped into one above Meredith and Jo’s OR. He watched with piqued interest as Meredith worked on one side of the operating table and Jo stood almost catatonic on the other side.

“Jo, will you please go sit down,” Meredith’s voice boomed through the OR and the gallery above, her eyes moving momentarily to the woman across from her. “I can see you wincing in pain from here.”

“They’re Braxton Hicks, I’m fine,” Alex could hear Jo’s strained tone of voice even from so far away. “Can you please stop badgering me about this? I’m fine, I’m going to work until my due date just like I did last time.”

“Last time you went into labor five days after your due date and you pushed your body so far that I had to hook you up to an IV for three days after you had Harper,” Alex’s eyebrows raised at Meredith’s words, not knowing exactly what had happened after Harper had been born. “You need to take care of yourself and your baby Jo.”

Jo’s fingers moved from her side to the operating table, gripping it tightly as she took slow and deep breaths. Alex left the gallery, moving quickly to the OR with only Jo on his mind. When he reappeared in the scrub room, he watched his wife’s body curl in on itself as she tried to remain standing upright.

“Jo, get out of there,” Jo’s head whipped around at the sound of Alex’s voice, one hand pressed firmly against her stomach as she looked at him. “Come on, I’m not gonna ask again. You can barely stand up straight.”

Without much protest, Jo walked out of the OR and into the scrub room, ripping her mask and gown off before beginning to scrub her hands.

“I told you I’m fine Alex,” one of Jo’s hands slipped down to the edge of the metal sink, knuckles going white as she gripped tightly. “They’re just Braxton Hicks. You don’t need to pull me out of surgery for this.”

Alex looked from his watch back to Jo, resting his hand against her back as he fixed her with a serious stare, “That’s twice in the past six minutes that you’ve had to stop what you’re doing and clench your fists. I’m pretty sure you’re having contractions. Go home babe, please I’m begging you.”

Jo groaned, turning to Alex with an angry glint in her eye as she stared him down, “I’m not going home, I am fine and I’m going to keep working. So stop nagging me.”

Taking a deep breath, Alex watched as Jo dried her hands off and turned to leave the scrub room. He grimaced as he said his next words, knowing he would piss his wife off with them, “I’m sending you on maternity leave, effective immediately. As the Chief, not as your husband.”

Jo’s entire body stiffened, stopping a foot from the door and turning back towards Alex. The angry expression on her face grew tenfold and she looked up at Alex.

“Are you kidding me? Alex you can’t do that! I’m perfectly fine,” Jo’s voice was bordering on a scream as she pointed at Alex. “You can be concerned as my husband all day long, but you can’t use your Chief powers just because you don’t agree with what I’m doing.”

“You couldn’t even pick up a scalpel to cut in there, I’m trying to make sure you don’t end up giving birth to our kid in the middle of operating,” Alex threw his hands up, eyes narrowing at Jo. “I was perfectly content letting you stress yourself out until you just passed out from exhaustion so that maybe you’d learn a lesson, but the second you start putting other people’s jobs and lives on the line it becomes my problem as the Chief. Go home Jo and don’t come back until you're about to give birth.”

Eyes watering, Jo stormed out of the scrub room, slamming the door behind her. Running his hands down his face, Alex let a loud groan out. The last thing he’d wanted to do was upset Jo, but her stubborn nature made things extremely difficult to work around. He knew what he’d done was a low blow, but he also knew that she wouldn’t have stopped until something happened to her or their child.

It was almost 7o’clock when Alex pulled into the driveway of his and Jo’s home. Harper was fast asleep in the backseat, soft snores coming from her as Alex debated how terrible it would be if he just turned around and left. He knew Jo was going to be furious with him and he didn’t want to deal with it, but he’d promised her he would come back. He was done running and ruining things between them because he couldn’t handle a simple conversation.

Carefully grabbing Harper and the dinner he’d picked up, Alex made his way into the house as quietly as possible. He set dinner in the kitchen and got Harper into bed before he checked on Jo. Their house, which they’d only been in for four months, was quieter than he’d ever heard it. There were no excited giggles, no music playing, no showers running. The complete and utter silence was driving him insane as he slipped into the bedroom he shared with Jo.

She was laying in bed, on his side he noted, curled in on herself and clutching a pillow tightly. While it pained him to see her upset, he was glad that she’d at least been able to sleep for once. Jo had spent the past two nights tossing and turning in bed, sleep evading her as the baby in her womb did somersaults. Alex toed off his shoes before settling himself behind Jo, his hands running across her back as she slowly woke up.

“Mmm what time is it,” Jo slowly turned around to press her face against Alex’s chest as best as she could with her belly between them. “I feel like I slept for three days.”

“It’s almost 7 now, Harper is asleep and I have dinner downstairs from the Chinese place you like,” Alex’s voice was low and soft as he ran his hands down to Jo’s belly, feeling the swift movements of the baby inside waking up with their mom. Jo let out a contented groan as her fingers came up to the curls at the nape of Alex’s neck, her body instinctively moving closer towards him. “I’m sorry about what happened today, you know I’d never use my power as Chief if I didn’t have to. I’m just worried about you, I don’t want you to hurt yourself. And I know you can handle it all because you're a superhero, but please let me look after you for a little bit.”

A pang of sadness ran through Alex as he realized just how much he’d missed as he watched a few tears escape Jo’s eyes. He knew this hadn’t been easy for her, the past couple months since he’d shown up throwing her whole life for a loop, but he wanted to make it up to her, he didn’t want to hurt her again.

“Are you okay, you know pain wise? Baby still giving you a hard time,” a hard kick met Alex’s hand at his question, both he and Jo laughing at the interruption.

“Better than before, I’m not contracting anymore,” Jo sighed, fiddling with her wedding rings as she avoided looking up at Alex. “I’m sorry… you were right about me pushing myself too much. I was in a lot of pain earlier and I shouldn’t have gone into that surgery. And… I do need to take it easy. I’m so used to just powering through all the shit that gets thrown at me by myself, I didn’t have help last time and I was with Harper for two years by myself. I love you, so freaking much Alex, but when it comes to parenting I’m not used to having someone here to help.”

His lips pressed against her forehead, Alex held Jo tightly as he relished in the feeling of her in his arms, “I promise I’ll be here to help as much as I can. I’ll wake up every night if this kid has colic, no complaints.”

Jo chuckled, finally lifting her head and kissing Alex soundly. Her fingers wound their way back into his hair, one hand trailing down his body to rake across his chest.

“You know, sex is supposed to help induce labor,” a grin spread across Jo’s face as Alex laughed, dipping his head down to her neck.

“You keep that baby in there, I have a little while before my leave starts,” despite his words, Alex’s lips continued trailing down her neck, fingers following the hot trail he’d created. “Dinners gonna get cold.”

“That’s fine,” Jo’s voice was a moan as she pulled lightly at Alex’s hair. “Keep going, screw dinner.”

Alex is rounding his way back to his office when he sees her in the hospital again. He’d sent her on maternity leave just three days ago and she was already back, instantly raising his blood pressure. His wife had been relaxing, napping as much as she could between her manic cleaning spurts, but he could tell that she was itching to get back into the OR armed with a scalpel.

“Jo!”

Her head swivels towards him, one hand settling on to her burgeoning stomach as she begins to walk slowly toward him. Alex can already feel his anger rising, knowing that he’d probably caught Jo trying to weasel her way into a surgery.

“Hey, I just got here,” Jo breathed out as Alex stood in front of her. “Why are you glaring at me like I just ran over your dog?”

“You need to go home, I told you that you can’t operate,” Alex placed his hands on Jo’s shoulders, eyeing her warily as she furrowed her eyebrows. “You’re not about to trick me into letting you work just because you bat your eyelashes at me.”

“Alex, I-“

“No buts, you need to go home and rest,” Alex tried to push Jo back the way she came, but her feet stayed planted firmly on the ground. “Jo, let’s go.”

“Alex!”

He turns then, Jo’s hands gripping his arm that’s still settled on her shoulder. Her eyes are narrowed and her breathing is shallow as she stares up at him, looking almost as if she might slap him.

“If you don’t let me talk to you, I will give birth to your child in this hallway,” Jo squeezed Alex’s arm as she took a deep breath, eyes closing as she spoke through gritted teeth. “My water broke half an hour ago, that’s why I’m here.”

Eyes blown wide, Alex finally takes in Jo’s almost disheveled state and the annoyed expression on her face as she glared at him. Her fingers were gripping his arm, nails sinking into his skin even through his lab coat as she tried to remain composed.

“Oh shit okay, well let’s go then,” Alex pressed his hand against Jo’s back, leading her toward the maternity ward. “Wait, did you drive here? While you were in labor?”

“Let’s talk about that later, I’ve been having contractions since you left for work this morning,” Jo stopped Alex from walking further, head leaning against his shoulder as her breathing became shallow. “Jesus, I forgot how terrible this is. No more after this one, screw the extra bedrooms. I can’t push out another gigantic Karev baby.”

They slowly make their way down the halls and to the maternity ward, Jo stopping every few minutes to breathe through a contraction as Alex rubbed her back comfortingly. His gaze continued to float nervously to his watch, noticing how close Jo’s contractions were as they finally got settled into a room. Carina stepped into the room, greeting them both as she set up. “I swear if you tell me I can��t have drugs I might scream,” Jo pushed her face into Alex’s chest and let out a loud groan as Carina checked her, a laugh coming from the obstetrician. “What? Why are you laughing? That can’t be a good sign.” Looking from Jo to Carina, a grimace quickly formed on Alex's face as he realized that she’d come to the same conclusion he had on their walk over. Jo was too far along in her labor, probably almost ready to push.

“Well your bambino has a full head of hair,” Carina smiled up at Jo, standing and motioning for the nurse standing by the door to come in. “Your baby is ready, I’m sure you will feel the need to push any minute now.” Jo’s eyes moved to Alex nervously, her expression practically begging him to help her as she grumbled, “No way, I can’t do this again. I’m not gonna do it, Alex.”

Alex took in Jo’s teary eyes and her scared expression, his hand coming up to brush her hair away from her face. She’d told him last week that she hadn’t been scared to give birth again, but the expression on her face now read otherwise, he knew her well enough to see the fear pasted on her face.

“Hey, you got this, I know you do. You are the strongest person I know,” leaning down towards her, Alex pressed his lips to Jo’s forehead, fingers swiping away the tears staining her cheeks. “You kinda have to have this baby, but I’m here for you to squeeze my hand and yell at as much as you want. Okay?” “Okay,” Jo sniffled, one hand coming up to caress Alex’s cheek. “Okay let’s do it.” -

“Hey Harps! Come to daddy!” Alex Karev didn’t think he’d ever been happier to see his daughter before, the bouncing three year old jumping from Meredith’s grasp on her and running full speed towards him. He hadn’t realized how much she’d grown just in the few months he’d been home, but feeling the solid weight of her in his arms made him realize that Harper was growing faster by the day.

“Daddy, baby?,” Harper’s hazel eyes met Alex’s own, the glint behind them the same curious look he’d seen in Jo time and again.

“Yeah mommy had the baby, you wanna go see them,” Alex asked, eyes floating to Meredith, who wore a wide grin as she looked at the duo. “Come on, mama wants to see you!” Alex and Harper walked the short distance from the waiting room to Jo’s hospital room, both Karevs brimming with excitement as they neared the room. As he opened the door, Alex couldn’t help the way his heart fluttered at the sight of Jo cradling their newborn, their oldest settled on his hip.

“Hey sweet pea, come here,” Jo’s voice was barely above a whisper as she beckoned Alex and Harper closer to the bed. “You wanna come meet your baby sister?”

Harper eyed the baby in her mom’s arms, a full head of dark brown curls peeking out from the pink hat she wore. The older girl wasn’t sure about the baby, but she still settled into her mom’s side contentedly, one hand reaching out to stroke her sister's cheek. “This is your little sister Mila Alexandra, but you can just call her Mila. Can you say hi to her,” Alex looked on as Harper paid careful attention to Mila, her eyes watching the baby curiously as she stretched one tiny arm out of her swaddle to grab Harper’s finger. “I think she likes you.”

He hadn’t pictured this life, never thought he’d get a second chance to fix things with Jo. But staring at his wife and their two daughters, Alex couldn’t help but realize how incredibly lucky he was. He’d come back, he’d fixed things, and he knew that he was going to be leaving any of his girls anytime soon. Jo’s fingers reach up to brush back the already unruly curls from Mila’s face, her wedding rings catching the light from the window as she settles her hand on top of the newborn's chest.

“Why’re you standing over there? Come join us,” Jo motioned for Alex to come and sit with them, prompting him to settle Harper into his lap as he sat beside Jo. “You know, I’m happy you came back. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

“Well now you’ll never have to wonder.”

#alex karev #jo karev #jo wilson #jolex #jo x alex #jolex fanfic #jolex fic #greys anatomy #greys fanfic #hesitate #nina writes

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sup4l3e · 4 years

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I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

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denriawhale · 7 years

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perhaps i should explain

a day before my birthday and i find myself reflecting on the fact that i nearly didn't make it to said birthday.

back in march—the 20th, to be precise—i got into a car accident. i'm going to go into the whole morbid affair here so if you don't like hearing about near-fatalities you should probably stop reading.

i was driving back to my college after spring break, at around 9:30 at night (i didn't want to leave home, so i stalled as long as possible, heh), when it happened. i was singing along to the music on my phone, and wanted to know how much time was left in the song that was on. so i looked down.

big mistake.

i lost control of my car—driving 80mph, with cruise on—and glanced off the left guardrail a couple of times before cutting straight across the road and spearing the other rail. i then slid along the rail, forcing it into my car. it slid under my left leg, taking a foot-long, 2-inch deep, 6-inch wide chunk out of my leg on the way, snapping my femur in the worst compound fracture my current ortho has ever seen and shattering my tibial plateau (my knee). it also broke my pelvis in 5 places. i sound a little clinical about this because it's hard thinking back to how much it hurt, really. the rail pinned me into a 6-inch-wide space between it and the back of my car seat.

i can say that while i was out of control of my car, i couldn't move. couldn't even take the cruise off. i really only had time to think "this is actually happening, this is real, this isn't a game or a movie. i am about to die... or be in indescribable pain for a long, long time" before the impact happened.

honestly, people ask when i regained consciousness a lot but i never lost it. and i can say that the impact was sort of like a jump cut in a movie. the previous second i was bracing and then i blink and the impact has happened and i'm pinned. the fear took a while (in accident time. time gets fucking weird in situations like this. in realtime it was probably maybe one minute or two.) to set in. actually the first thing i did of my own volition (the first thing i actually did was throw up eight times onto myself) was take stock of my injuries. i could move my arms and my head felt okay, and i could feel my right leg, it seemed fine. my left leg was a different story. i couldn't feel it at all. no pain, no cold, no nothing. i noticed that my knee seemed at an unnatural angle and it really, really bothered me to look at that. despite knowing it was probably a bad idea, i used my hands to shift my leg back into alignment.

nothing. it was like i was holding someone else's leg. i think that was when i started to get really afraid. i figured the leg was a complete lost cause.

i also figured that i was going to die.

i started thinking about my friends and family, and i made peace with myself. i'd done everything i could to be a good person, maybe i wasn't the best but surely god would see that i tried to help my friends and be a good family member and i would miss them but i would make sure to watch over everyone in heaven. after that i just waited to bleed to death. it was so, so painful and i've never wanted to die before then but at that moment i wanted it more than anything else i'd ever wanted in my entire life.

that was when jared found me. i didn't learn his name until over a month later, but he's honestly my hero. he witnessed my accident in his rearview and immediately pulled over to help me. of course, i didn't know that. all i knew was that while i was waiting to bleed out, my car's back door flew open and a man threw himself inside, mid-conversation with 911.

that was when i decided that i was going to fucking live. it didn't matter that i hurt, i wasn't going to go out with an ellipsis at the end of my story. i was going to fucking fight and then even if i did die, i could face god proudly and say that i did my fucking best right up until the end. the fear completely left me, and i became very determined and rational very fast. i guess it was a survival instinct from my body. adrenaline and all that?

he was telling them about my condition and making sure i was awake. the dispatch sent out help and he hung up, then immediately started trying to get the seatbelt choking me off. of course, he couldn't because the mechanism was wrecked—the entire front of my car was a mangled mass of metal and plastic, and my seat wasn't much better if we're being honest. he would have cut the belt, but he didn't have a knife and mine was in my purse, which was flung against the windshield and completely unreachable through the tangle of sharp metal. failing that, he asked if i wanted him to call anyone and i had him call my parents, who immediately began to rush to get to me, 2 hours away.

that was when the next miracle happened.

a volunteer firetruck—driving home for the day, not summoned by dispatch—pulled up and out poured about a dozen firemen. they ushered jared away and immediately began trying to help me. i remember the name of one of them because he was the one who tried to keep me awake and alive by talking to me the entire time. his name was nate, and his job was to sit in the back seat of my car and hold my head to make sure i didn't move it in case i had a neck injury. he also talked to me to keep me calm—though mostly the calming part wasn't necessary. i panicked a total of 3 times after the firemen arrived, each time screaming "help me" over and over and trying to pry myself out of the rail's grip. they only lasted maybe ten seconds before nate settled me down again. meanwhile the firemen tried to figure out how the actual fuck to get me out of my mangled car.

then the paramedics and another firetruck arrived, the ones summoned by 911 dispatch. the firemen wound up deciding to kick the rear and front windshields out—they put a blanket over me to protect me from the glass—and cut the roof of my car from the rest using the jaws of life. after the top was off, the paramedics rushed in. they tried and failed to stick me with an iv—shock and cold had collapsed most of my veins. i had no pulse in any of my limbs, but i was still awake and talking. i knew that if i passed out, i would die.

in fact, at one point it very sharply occurred to me that i could escape all the pain that was coming to me by simply closing my eyes and going to sleep and dying. it was so, so tempting. but then i remembered that one of my long-held beliefs is that the saddest thing in the world is a parent outliving their child, and i couldn't possibly do that to my parents, and i didn't want to leave my friends. my resolve to live got even stronger.

the paramedics had to use a drill to give me something called an io, which is basically an iv but it sticks into your bone marrow instead to give you fluids. by the way, it's also incredibly painful and when i still had one in the next day i actually thought my arm was broken.

once they managed that, the firemen started trying to figure out how to get me out. i remember thinking to myself that they needed to hurry the fuck up and stop standing around talking about what to do, but that's because i was in pain. logically i know they had never seen something like this and they would need to discuss how to help me or they might end up killing me by accident.

they ended up deciding to cut the reinforcing bars out of the back of my seat and then, using the jaws of life as a spreader, they forced the back away from the guardrail. at once, maybe ten firemen surrounded me and lifted me out of the car and onto a stretcher.

honest to god, that was the closest i came to dying. all of the pain completely vanished, and i closed my eyes and sighed in relief, nearly fell asleep right then and there. then i remembered what was happening and forced myself awake again.

that was also when i began to bleed to death. it turns out the guardrail had cut my femoral artery, and the only reason i'd made it longer than a couple of minutes was because the pressure of the rail crushing me was acting like a sort of tourniquet to stop the blood from escaping. the paramedics rushed me into an ambulance to stabilize me and stop the bleeding, rushing to put warm fluids into me and keep me awake. it started to get hard to keep my eyes open, and i said as much to the paramedics, figuring it was important. the look of complete and utter terror on their faces is something i don't think i'll ever forget. they rushed even faster at that point, making me promise to stay awake and then rushing me into a helicopter.

at that point i was too tired to speak, so i kept myself awake by looking at all of the buttons in the helicopter (there were so many, it was crazy) and trying to reason out what they might do. it was all i could think of. they got me to the hospital and into the trauma bay after that, and that was when things got a lot easier.

it took them an hour and a half to get me to the trauma bay, starting from when jared called 911.

once at the hospital, they had to do a CAT scan to confirm what all was broken and make sure my spine was okay, and they wheeled me to the scan room. they apologized so many times before they moved me to the table, because they knew it would hurt me (and boy, were they fucking right) but it had to happen. i, of course, cooperated easily because i knew what was at stake here. they got me back to the trauma bay and the red cross found my blood type (a negative) and started to give me blood. i woke up a lot after that, and started asking for details on what was happening and participating in conversation.

that was when the absolute worst part happened. they had to debride the wound—that is, pull pieces of road and dead flesh out of it. they apologized, then lifted my leg up into the air and started pouring betadine into it. that was the only time i screamed in pain. it was blinding agony, the worst thing i've ever felt in my life, so much worse than the accident itself. i wanted to die. i wanted to die so badly. but, eventually, it was over and they set my leg back down.

my family turned up after that, and at this point i was pretty certain i was gonna make it. so i wanted to make my family feel a little better. i made some jokes, like telling my mom "at least i kept all my teeth!" and apologizing to my dad for wrecking the car. i think they thought i was an asshole for joking around at a time like that, but hey. then i was wheeled out of the room and into surgery.

i'd end the story there, but i want to bring up one other thing. the next morning, they woke me up from surgery still intubated. that was the worst thing i have ever fucking experienced and for each subsequent surgery i have threatened the nurses with death if they ever wake me up like that again. never. again. imagine being restrained so you cant move your hands, unable to make even a groaning sound, unable to communicate, with a tube down your throat so you keep throwing up over and over and they keep having to suck fluid out of your lungs which just makes you throw up again and it's an endless fucking cycle. eleven hours. i spent eleven fucking hours like that. i have never wanted to fucking die more than i did when i was intubated. nothing compares. nothing. not even the month i spent in agony in the hospital while my bones knitted back together. it was fucking awful. never again. i will fight six bears barehanded before i let them wake me up intubated.

that being said, i'm really glad for those surgeons and that hospital and everyone who was involved that night. they're all the reason i'm still here and i will always be in their debt. i'm currently still recovering and i have one more surgery (on the 28th) in my future. unless there's some kind of complication, but i've been blessed to escape any kind of complications so far. i hope that continues. i'm expected to make a full recovery and i'll be able to go back to college once i have more stamina for walking!

anyway, there's my story. of course, there's more to it, but a month of hospital time would take so long to go over and in the grand scheme of things the part i wrote about is what's important. if you made it all the way down here, thanks so much for reading.

#personal #car accident #story

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forgottenbrxther-blog · 8 years

Text

Good thing that the hospital was so close. Being one of the 7 people in critical condition isn’t very fun when it is a long ambulance ride to the emergency room.

Although Takumi wouldn’t really know, as he was unconscious for all of it.

He woke up in a hospital bed, staring up at a white ceiling, dazed and confused. The various machines beeped around him. He was sore. Very sore.

He knew it would be of no use to try to get up with the way things were, so he closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep. He didn’t dream, though. He just floated through the darkness, unaware of how his family heard his name on the news and was scrambling to confirm his safety. But they did before they had to fly over, and he was unaware of that too.

The next time he woke up he was in a different bed, staring at a different ceiling, but both were still the same stark white from before. There were still beeping machines, but there were no IVs in his arms nor a clunky mask on his face to make sure he gets enough oxygen. He was still sore, but with the stiffness came a dull, throbbing pain from his right shoulder all the way down his back.

He tried to prop himself up to get a better look, but his entire right side refused with a sharp, stabbing pain running all the way down his body. He cried out, and a nurse swiftly came in and helped him back down, telling him that moving that much is a bad idea. She gave him a small remote, telling him that it can adjust the bed so he doesn't have to strain himself. His wound was pretty severe, so too much motion risks reopening it, even with everything they did to close it.

Takumi blinked, when suddenly all the events from the cause came rushing back. He felt numb. But only one thing mattered.

“Is Mettaton okay?”

She nodded. “He’s going to be okay. What you did saved his life.”

Relief washed over him, and he relaxed in his bed. Out of everything that happened that night, that was the worst by a long shot. But he is so glad he managed to do something for once. He wasn’t useless after all.

He wanted to ask more, but he wasn’t sure how comfortable that would be when he was laying down for the entire conversation. He adjusted the bed, and even though the shifting was painful, it wasn’t nearly as painful as trying to do it himself.

But what had hurt him so bad? All he had done was tackle Mettaton out of the way, why did he bleed so much? “Wait, what happened to me after I tackled him?”

The nurse didn’t know how to answer, so she called in a doctor to answer for her.

“When the chandelier came crashing down, part of one of the metal rings broke off. It surely would have killed both of you if you had not pushed Mettaton out of the way, taking a pretty nasty hit yourself. A large laceration on your back, running all the way from your shoulder to your hip.”

Takumi was confused, the rings were solid? How could it hurt him so badly he nearly bled out?

The doctor could see the confusion on his face. “When it broke off, it snapped, so it had a sharp and serrated edge. Which is why the damage was fairly extensive… but you got lucky. It was a fairly clean slice, with only a few really bad tears.”

A pause. “If you really want to see, it was recorded. You know, because they were recording the speech, and so there were a few different cameras focused on the stage when everything came crashing down. Of course ADAMAS hasn’t released the footage or any knowledge of any footage, so you have to ask us if you want to see it.”

“No, I’d rather not watch myself nearly get killed.”

“Suit yourself. But not many people know about what you did since everything was obscured by the chandelier, and the footage has only been seen by select few.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Just thought you’d like to know since the press will ultimately try to interview you since you were found on top of Mettaton, heavily bleeding with a severe laceration to your right back. It’s also pretty remarkable how well you’re recovering, considering your state when you were brought in…”

“Okay, okay, I should have died, I get it. Can I just know more about Mettaton’s state? I want to know just what my valiant sacrifice did.”

Another pause, the doctor was clearly hesitating. “Your shove managed to prevent any serious injury to his actual body… but the ring landed on his prosthetic arm. It was completely crushed and it was easier and more cost efficient to remove it and replace it with a newer model than to try to salvage and repair it. And needless to say… he is not very happy about it.”

“So basically what I’m hearing is that because I tackled Mettaton, I prevented our ultimate deaths. But in order to cheat death, I took a really big hit to my back and he lost his arm again.”

“...Basically.”

“Great, thanks for letting me know.” Takumi was tired, so he was probably taking this a lot better than he normally would have. But near death experiences do that to some people. Especially when you don’t know how long you’ve been asleep for. “...What day is it…?”

“Don’t worry, you haven’t missed much. But you did sleep for quite a bit, it’s been about 20 hours since you were taken in.”

“So it’s the 5th…? Or the 6th…?” It was pretty late when everything happened, so he had no idea if that was past midnight or not.

“The 6th. It’s about 8 right now, so don’t worry about a sleep schedule or anything. You’re in a closed off section of the hospital that is currently taking care of idols and other ADAMAS affiliates where were also injured during the chaos, so you don’t need to worry about the press either. If they do come in, we will tell you way in advance after we gain your permission to let them in.” The doctor smiled, a kind, caring smile that doctors are supposed to have. “You’re safe here, just focus on recovering. With that injury, it’ll probably take a few months in the earliest for you to be back at your prime.”

Takumi nodded, but he still wondered about what happened with his possessions like his phone and his mask. Luckily, his phone was unharmed, and completely functional. His mask, on the other hand, took a nasty hit from a large shard of glass, and the glass refused to come out. Otherwise it was intact, and he requested for it to be brought to his room, along with his phone and everything else he had on him.

Everything to be going well, until he tried to use his right arm to use his phone. He was able to, but only if he brought the phone to his hand.

He quickly learned about how hard it is to use a phone with one hand.

The nurse told him about the table his bed had, and how he could either manually move it (which was not recommended, but it’s good for him to know anyway) or how he could press a button on the remote to make it move over or back to it’s stored area.

It is a lot easier to use a phone with one hand when it is on a table than when you also have to hold it with said hand.

So, with his connection with the outside world somewhat restored, he reassured his family that he is doing okay, he read some of the many thousands of articles already written about the fiasco, and even dabbled in this new social chatroom app ADAMAS had just released for the people of Aelton to use to just talk. It was… certainly interesting, if the first few conversations had anything to say about it.

Even though he was able to talk to people through it, it was still lonely being stuck in his bed, and it definitely was not fun when he had to get up to pee and his entire right side felt like it was burning and being stabbed all at once. Being wheeled to the bathroom by someone and having them almost watch to make sure he didn’t fall or anything was even less fun than the excruciating pain he felt the entire time.

They offered him painkillers, prescriptions on top of what they were giving him in the hospital. He denied them. He was unstable, even if he didn’t admit it to anyone but himself, and gods knew what he would do with them if he went through a rough patch after this all settled. They didn’t pry. He was glad they didn’t.

He got used to it, ranging from the dull, throbbing pain it was when he first woke up after what he presumed to be surgery to the sharp, stabbing pain it was when he tried standing up for the first time. It really only got that bad if he strained that part, trying to reach out too far or trying to lift something too heavy or trying to bed the wrong way. If he didn’t get used to it now, he wouldn’t be able to get used to it later.

He slept a lot. When the news feeds repeat the same thing over and over and the chat room slows, he can’t really do much else. The doctors said it was good that he did, his body heals faster when it sleeps.

He dreamt of that night every time he would dream. It started out happy, carefree, him dancing with Mettaton without a care in the world. But then everything would pop, the world would crack, and the chandelier would crash, but they would always be right under the center with nowhere to run. The first time he had it he woke up screaming, and the nurse who was tending to him nearly screamed too. The more he had it, the more his waking would turn to a single shout, then to a gasp, then to a jolt. Sometimes his reaction would be violent again, thrashing out at people who held his arms down to try to calm him, usually causing his right side to burst with pain, a rough but effective way to get him to stop moving almost immediately. But usually he just woke with a startle.

In worst cases that would combine with dreams about the gala. He would go into an absolute panic when that would happen, and not even the pain could stop him then. The doctors and nurses would have to keep him from worsening his injury while they waited for him to come out of it. Without Mettaton there to help, it usually would take an hour or two for him to calm down on his own. Sometimes even longer in the particularly bad cases. Those were not fun at all.

He was told he would have to stay in the hospital for a while, for both health concerns and for his own privacy. He didn’t mind. It just meant that he wouldn’t have to worry about taking care of himself.

The only thing he was really upset about was that he wouldn’t be able to make crafts for a while. Cranes always made him feel better.

#[aftermath]#tw: blood #tw: flashbacks #tw: gore #tw: death mention #tw: trauma #(i think i got all the warnings but if anything else needs to be tagged let me know #(hoo boy takumi always gets p fucked at these events sorry boy

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