#ivan at least feels close to sua in some way

[kitsquared]

I love that in alien stage Sua and Till have the least interaction/ awkward relationship in their friend group

But in off the record theyre both senior actors while the rest are juniors and thus you can make them have the most amicable if not lowkey bestie relationship among the actors

[ayakashiz]

Alien Stage R6 Analysis

VERY LONG compilation of my interpretations, impressions and unanswered questions about Round 6 of Alien Stage. I just wanted to write this to put all my thoughts in one place so I can finally rest (in pieces). TW for mentions of suic*de/suic*dal ideation.

The most debated is no doubt the kiss/choking scene and Ivan’s motivation for doing so in the first place. 

I think from the very beginning, even before R3, Ivan was planning to go out with a bang. That’s the immediate impression I got from the comic where he mocks/criticizes Sua for planning to “selfishly” die for Mizi and feel good being the “heroine” rather than having to deal with the trauma of being the one left behind. 

(I'm too lazy to edit the whole translation as of now, but might do so when I have more time.)

Ivan tells her how he’s “relieved that he’s not the only who’s that twisted” = He’s comparing himself to Sua. He thinks they’re both ‘twisted’ for planning to do the same thing, but from Ivan’s perspective, he at least isn’t fooling himself into thinking his motives are altruistic. He tasted the feeling of being ‘abandoned’, and he knows he doesn’t want to experience it twice. 

He also probably thought that his death wouldn’t be as impactful on Till as Sua’s death on Mizi, and therefore his own selfishness is more justified in his mind. This most likely plays a role in how cold and biting his words are towards Sua –he’s jealous of that difference between them.

I hadn’t noticed this detail the first time I watched the video: Not only did Till look absolutely miserable and defeated from the get go, but he completely gave up and stopped singing at some point. If you look at the video, we can hear the audio that was supposed to be sung, but Till is quiet and still, and THIS is the moment Ivan chooses to act.

Although they do not show the votes at that particular moment, stopping mid song would have definitely taken a hit to Till’s score as it’s basically forfeiting –a huge contrast to his previous match where he didn’t even let his opponent utter a single line.

In response, Ivan doesn’t just walk towards him but throws his microphone to the ground, explicitly forfeiting as well in order to then pull a drastic move like it was foreshadowed in his interview.

The kiss itself imo was the less calculated/arguably unplanned part. He could have just choked Till from the start and it would have gotten him the same if not better results (since it was the act of violence against another contestant that ultimately lowered his score and got the counter to stop). 

That kiss was authentic and for himself entirely, both as a last desperate attempt at conveying his feelings and a selfish way of leaving a strong impression on Till that he wouldn’t be able to forget (a hypocritical move going back to how he criticized Sua). In that sense, I don’t think Ivan was seriously trying to take Till down with him –although that’s up to interpretation. As I see it, that would contradict his actions up until that point.

Till was VERY CLEARLY suic*dal (once again, he gave up singing), and after the initial shock of Ivan squeezing his neck, this fiery, rebellious man who is KNOWN to fight tooth and nail, simply closed his eyes and relaxed his body, waiting for Ivan to end him without fighting at all. 

The thing is, no matter how suic*dal one may be, the fighting response when being actually suffocated is automatic and completely involuntary. People mention there not being marks on Till’s neck but I think the most telling sign is him not going red, not squirming, not struggling or holding onto Ivan’s wrists (again, expected involuntary responses), his eyes not watering or having blurry vision while we see Ivan from his POV, not opening his mouth even a little to gasp for air and not coughing or gasping either when he was finally released.

Ivan definitely had him in a strong grip, might have even made him a bit lightheaded, but the reason why Till could look so relaxed in the first place is because he had given up and was waiting for Ivan to go ahead. If his closed eyes and limp posture were due to the choking itself, he would have fallen or stumbled when being let go, but we see that his eyes open as soon as he feels Ivan’s hands slipping away and he looks shocked instead.

So then what was Ivan’s motivation, if not to kill him? Yes, there’s the already discussed plan to get himself disqualified. But Ivan glances at the screen only a few seconds after he starts the choking, confirming that the voting had in fact stopped with Till having the higher score. He then goes for one last ‘goodbye’ kiss before continuing to choke him, holding his grip even as he starts getting shot.

We see a closeup of him, his eyes and hands trembling, looking more frustrated/emotional than in Till’s first POV where he looks rather stoic. It makes me think that the reason he refused to let go was simply because he wanted Till to look at him. 

They strongly imply throughout the whole video that being annoying or mean or violent was the only way Ivan learnt how to make Till focus his full attention on him, but now even as he’s threatening his life, even as he himself is dying, even after that kiss, Till wouldn’t look. 

It took him getting fatally wounded and realizing there was no turning back to reach a state of acceptance. His bittersweet expression here reminds me A LOT of his smile after Till runs back during the meteor scene, although this one seems a lot more tender. He seems to accept the fact that Till will never love him back, but Ivan cannot stop loving him anyways and he at least got to put his feelings out there. 

(The parallels here are driving me insane. The way there is light in his eyes in both instances as he looks at Till even while 'losing him' in a way. The struggle between wanting to posses him yet realizing his free spirit/strong will is part of what he loves about him. That last genuine gaze from a character who spent his whole life putting on a mask. Yes I am very normal about this.)

Until then, Ivan’s more tender/vulnerable side is only shown while Till is unconscious or looking away.

(That soft, loving nuzzle to Till's face has me in SHAMBLES.)

But ironically, it’s only when he releases him and shows him this vulnerability without a mask that Till really looks at him for the first time. I’d go as far as to say that it was this moment, and not the kiss, that finally made Till understand Ivan’s feelings. And in turn Ivan gets that little shot of euphoria as he falls to the ground.

Going back to the survivor’s guilt… I can only imagine it’ll go completely downhill for Till from now on. Not only does he already think Mizi might be dead and is angry at himself that he couldn’t save her (as seen in the shot where he punches his own picture), but now he has most likely realized that Ivan intentionally fumbled their match for his sake –which would lead to the realization that he was the reason why Ivan chose to run back to Anakt Garden after him in the first place, and that choice ultimately lead to his death. 

Even though we see them fighting a lot as children through the videos and comics, it’s also implied that they were always together and they shared some quiet moments –the “Mizi didn’t play with you, I played with you” art, all that art of the main 4 playing together, those bright smiles as they ran away together during the meteor shower scene and Till looking so guilty when he let go of his hand. 

There are a few cute doodles of them for those who are on Patreon, and some more lore in the Anakt Garden kit –so they were at the very least friends in their own way (as best as 2 very traumatized and abused children could), constantly fighting and making up. Which God… it shows that despite appearances Till must have actually had the patience of a saint when they were little lmao.

But what I’m trying to say is that despite what Ivan may have thought, his death will most definitely have an impact on Till and the narrative going forward, and I’m excited to find out how that reflects in the final round (if the resistance doesn’t manage to get back up in time to disrupt it). 

Despite how much I adored (and SUFFERED WITH) this round, I still have MANY questions that were left unanswered, both about Ivan and Till, and the lore in general, and I wonder if there’ll be time to answer them all, as I can imagine the next MV will be focused on Luka’s perspective, the only one we haven’t been presented with.

One of the most pressing questions being: What’s the relationship between Ivan and that alien dog? Did he tame it? It is implied that it was Ivan who somehow led Till and Mizi to it in the first place in that one scene, and if so I wonder what his motivation was? Normally jealousy would be the first thing to come to mind but Ivan wasn’t interested in Till until AFTER he saw him stand up to the beast to protect Mizi, so it couldn’t have been that. 

This is something that was also teased on Patreon and I was looking forward to the explanation on the MV, but it never came, and now Ivan is dead, so the next video will most likely not be too concerned with his backstory any longer. (Which, also, I was really curious about his life in the slums before being captured, auctioned and brought to Anakt, as that would have played a huge role in his twisted personality/dark tendencies –once again teased on Patreon very briefly, but not explained beyond that frame of him looking famished.)

The second is, how is Ivan able to open Till’s collar/muzzle so easily? This is a question I’ve been having since R3, but chalked it up to Ivan being sneaky and figuring out some kind of code to the cell door and that somehow automatically deactivating the locks on the restraints… or something. But with how many times he does it in R6 with just a touch it’s very clear that that isn’t the case and also imo they’re trying to point this out as a significant detail. 

It may turn out that I’m just looking too much into it, but I find it really curious and interesting. Not only is he the only child without a collar (Mizi and Sua still had them despite being just as well behaved as him), but he seems to be the only one able to take them off –or at least Till’s. I’m pretty sure the children wouldn’t normally be able to remove them by themselves as it seems to be a control mechanism. So how can Ivan? This might explain a lot about how they were able to escape, and also add a layer of tragedy knowing that Ivan could have chosen to escape by himself at any point, but refused to leave Till behind.

Last but not least there’s all the human experimentation Till was subjected to, which was the main topic of the teaser and we see the same images show up in the very beginning of the MV. They help emphasize Till’s suffering and distressed state of mind, but then they’re never expanded on or mentioned at all for the rest of the video. That’s a huge piece of lore that I also hope isn’t forgotten.

I mean, I really doubt it will. So far VIVINOS & co. have been incredible with their ability to hold back information and release it at the moment where it’s the most impactful, which is refreshing to see. So I trust we’ll get some answers eventually. 

Really curious to know why they would experiment on an ALNST contestant in the first place, especially one that is undoubtedly talented and described as a musical genius (aka. has good odds of doing well on stage and earning the segyein revenue). A very plausible theory might just be that he was just getting constantly drugged to make him less of a threat/more submissive –like we see on the karaoke room scene. But it might as well be something bigger.

As for my expectations for the next round… I’m still just trying to process this one, as you can see by the sheer amount of text. There are many things left to address, and the Hyuna/Luka confrontation has been strongly teased. I wonder also, if the round goes on without interruption, what would Luka’s strategy against Till be? Would he go for provocation again, trying to imitate Mizi/hint to his recent trauma with Ivan? It probably won’t be that simple.

I mean, VIVINOS has been known for subverting our expectations with each round:

The ominous/callous framing that was given to Ivan by the end of Black Sorrow and the art that followed, making us suspicious of his intentions, only to have him die for love. The lifeless/doll-like framing given to Luka, vulnerable and cornered by flashing lights, only to have him be the cruelest/most calculating one (that we know so far). The rebellious, rowdy, willing to do anything to survive framing given to Till, only to have his fighting spirit completely break and willingly waiting to die by Ivan’s hands. The naive, complacent and passive image given to Mizi, only to have her snap, beat the shit out of Luka and join the rebellion –and with how things are going (and her being the protagonist) I wouldn’t be surprised if she, and not Hyuna (the one who was framed as the most strong and reliable, giving us a false sense of security going into R6), is who will have to try and rescue Till (and Luka???).

There are still a ton of things that keep me awake at night about R6 –my favorite character dying aside. I could talk about it forever, but I’ll leave it here. 

Feel free to share your theories, delusions, interpretations or any detail I might have missed with me. God knows we need group therapy after this as the cute chibi keychains can only heal us so far. Thanks for reading my rambles if you made it this far. :’)

[raivenantcravings]

Round 6 Reaction/Analysis

SDFFSDHFLSDHF ROUND 6 FSDHKFDSH ROUND 6 FSDKFSDHFDS ROUND 6

I woke up to twitter analysis saying that Till never even looked at Ivan until his final moments. And I made pre round 6 fanart titled "look at me." Couldn't manifest it. He never looked at him in the end,,,

broo dont look so happy. oh my god you lovesick fool.

reaction and analysis under the cut

First detail I noticed was that are the mics clear because both Ivan and Till are being vulnerable? They have nothing to hide anymore, so they'll show the world their whole being.

Anyways, to my main point,,

My interpretation of the ending was that Ivan was really trying to "cure" Till.

Till opens up with wanting to feel pain, to feel hurt.

"Please, leave me scars"

"Please, hurt me so that not a single drop of me remains"

Which, I realize he's talking to Mizi, but it's a cry for "help" either way.

Ivan's part goes:

"Notice my pain and mend me right now"

Again, he's talking about himself, but I think it could apply to what he does to Till.

So they kiss.

And, I've seen a lot of other people already say this, but I also do feel the kiss was not only meant to be for Ivan to selfishly show his love for Till.

Like bro don't go nonconsensually kissing your crush, what are you doing!?

When the scores came out, Ivan was much lower than Till than I expected. I thought it'd be a Mizi-Sua situation where the scores were close, but Mizi barely edged it out.

But Till almost had 20 points over Ivan.

And I know it's because Till is a rising star. And his new image change would really garner the attention of everyone. But it's not like Ivan is a nobody either. I didn't expect the scores to be so different.

I do think its because Ivan kissed Till. As a final nail in the coffin that guarantees his loss.

Alien Stage is commentary on the idol industry. One of the most prevalent issues in the idol industry is the romantic lives of the idols. Idols are not supposed to be in relationships, at least not outwardly. Their whole image is for the fans. Nothing they do should ruin that public image as an idol.

Much less in a in a queer relationship.

Now I don't believe the universe of Alien Stage cares about LGBTQ+ issues because there's bigger issues surrounding their human pets. But I think that it is an issue that Vivinos is trying to address because they certainly never shy away from queer issues in their other works.

And I feel the idea that idols/pets should not be swayed by their romantic emotions is still prevalent in their society.

So for the audience to see Ivan kiss Till, in one of the most outrageous and public displays possible, further pushes the votes in Till's favor.

And yeah, I also do believe that he kissed Till for him to finally look at him, but I also feel that it was a self-sacrifice too.

And then Ivan violently chokes Till.

Possibly, as another way to give Till votes. Since when Mizi started punching Luka, the audience was outraged at her actions.

Violence is definitely frowned upon on the stage.

More on the choking scene,,

I also saw some people saying that it's because Ivan wanted Till to die with him, which may be part of it. I don't think everything Ivan did was completely selfless.

But

Till accepts it. Earlier when he is at the bar (party? venue? the private show either way), he fights the alien who tries to punch him.

He did show him Mizi's missing image, so he is enraged in this moment, but he does have fight left in him even then.

He doesn't resist when Ivan chokes him just closes his eyes and awaits death. Perhaps if Mizi was already dead, he can just join her in the afterlife since he had no way of knowing she was still alive.

In this way, Ivan is his savior. The one who is finally freeing him from all this pain he felt after losing Mizi. This is his "cure."

And for Ivan, he sorta wants to be a savior to Till. He has freed him on multiple accounts from his shackles. Even helping him run away with him, so they can experience freedom together.

They both get what they want, but,,

Ivan lets go of Till and Till, with an expression that feels like shock, finally looks at Ivan.

Killing him would not give him the freedom that Till needs

that Ivan wants Till to have.

So, like the countless times Till has been chained around his neck, Ivan gives him his chains:

hurting him like he desires.

A scar around his neck.

(Where the scar from his name is)

And mending him,

by taking away the final chain that Ivan could release from Till.

His "cure."

It felt like his final desire was to get Till to snap out of it, to realize that he needs to find true freedom, to not get apathetic at the situation, to keep on going and to live.

He really, truly loves Till even if Till does and never will understand it.

Also final thoughts, is it not strange that Ivan is able to release Till's bindings so easily?

No one else is shown releasing the bindings, so maybe it is just as easy as a press of the button. Yet, I don't feel like it's just poorly designed if that's the case. Because you literally have a person like Ivan releasing a dangerous human like Till. Shouldn't a cautious society like the world of Alien Stage made sure it wouldn't be super easy to get out of.

If there is more to it, I wonder if that'll be a plot point later on. With Ivan leaving behind the secret to getting out of the bindings for Till. So, when a character maybe Till or even Hyuna or Mizi have been captured, they're able to escape since they know how to remove them.

Maybe, I'm just being delulu

And final final thoughts, the kiss was great and definitely made me almost scream. But the way Ivan nuzzled Till has got me acting up.

Like, it's just so soft and sweet and not a big show of it like when Ivan kisses Till on stage.

It feels so intimate, so personal, so full of love.

I just, I just can't. They'll be the death of me.

[deryuj]

thoughts swirling, mouth moving (not saying anything smart)

Summary: The worst part about reunions is when you're stuck being the same loser who didn't achieve anything after almost four years. Till's life choices weigh on him when he's sitting on cold stairs, looking scrawny as hell, trying to light his cigarette (with no results) and Ivan watches him amused, looking picture perfect.

tags: smut, university au, reunions, Till is losing his mind

AO3 link

Shink shink shink

“Fuckin’ bitch” 

Shink shink shink

The end of his cigarette started to get damp in his mouth as he struggled to keep the fire going long enough to light it up. He just bought this lighter before the party and it refused to work for him. Great, fantastic even.

The party was going on fine, he was just a walking, talking disaster who had a tough time keeping up with… everything. Mizi was the one who insisted on throwing a party and inviting everyone. And by that, she meant everyone she was ever in contact with no matter how long it's been or if they moved out so needless to say Till was overwhelmed with the amount of people she could cram into her small apartment. He was surprised that Sua was fine with it, but as long as she stuck to her girlfriend, she seemed fine with whatever was happening around her. Hell, someone could've started a fire and she'd still focus on Mizu and Mizu only.

Long story short, Till was out of his element even for someone who appeared so rebellious and loud. Well, he was loud, but that didn't mean he liked overly loud and super cramped places, especially when he knew no one besides the party's host. 

The lighter trembled in his hand, and a small, pathetic fire appeared, flickering amid the summer breeze only to disappear in the air.

“Damnit” 

He slumped forward defeated by a stupid plastic lighter with a cat print stuck to it. It was almost mocking him really, it only made him more annoyed. 

A quiet click of doors startled Till and he immediately straightened his back as if he was caught doing something bad. Old habits.

“You've been sitting here for fifteen minutes, they told me to check on you” Fucking Ivan.

He dropped off the face of the earth in high school, he didn't even bother to check up with any of them and now he dared to show up to the party like he cared. Fuck him.

And fuck him for looking like that. He got so mature out of a sudden. Broad shoulders, slender figure, styled hair, deep, dark eyes, at least his cheeks were still somewhat round. Not like he was staring or anything like that, whenever he tried to analyze his appearance he found Ivan already looking back at him and it gave him major creeps just like way back when they attended school.

Who was he trying to impress with this getup anyway? 

Till scoffed when Ivan sat down beside him on the cold steps, his long legs sprawled on the dirty pavement in front of them. A proper guy like him sitting next to a scrawny wet cat of a man, he's making fun of him without even saying anything. Just the comparison makes him feel small and stupid.

“I'm trying to smoke” The nicotine in his cigarette seeped onto his tongue making him grimace. Why can't it just light up?

His smooth hands coaxed the plastic lighter out of his hands with ease.

Shink shink shink

His body pressed against Till, huddling in close to keep the flame safe from the scary summer breeze. 

The gentle smell of lavender filled his nostrils. God really? He has lavender perfumes? What a jackass.

He leaned in anyway, letting the cigarette latch onto the flame. He was so close. His black hair grazed his cheek ever so slightly, flames danced in his dark irises. He saw everything, every single small detail now that Ivan was surprisingly more focused on keeping the flame safe than watching him. 

Till inhaled deeply, some of the tension leaving his shoulders after the nicotine mingled with oxygen in his lungs.

Finally

“Thanks” 

He could feel him watching again and he didn't dare to look back. It was overwhelming like always, his gaze was so intense for someone with such round features and what Mizi called a ‘prince-like smile’. 

‘I'm way too sober to talk to him right now’

“How have you been Till?” His gooey voice filled the space between them and Till scoffed in response. 

‘Worse than you probably’

It's been a few years and he can't even think of any good achievements or memories to share with him. He was a fuck up with a failing punk band that studies a boring subject that might actually get him a good job in the future and works in a convenience store in his free time. Not exactly something to share with a guy that used to be your friend.

Ivan is probably dating a pretty girl, working an office job, and living a better life now that Till is out of it. He didn't even say that it's the case and yet he's already irrationally angry over it.

“I'm good, you?” he grumbled. He bit down hard on his cigarette, leaving teeth marks on the orange tipping paper.

‘Way too sober’

And he watches, just watches, which makes him even more desperate for another beer to wash down all these stupid nerves and anxiety.

“I'm fine, thought it would be nice to see everyone“ The answer was simple, quick. 

Till scoffed in response.

‘Then why now? Where were you all those years? Why didn't you reach out? Why didn't I reach out?’

He exhaled another puff of smoke that flew straight into his own face. ‘Embarrass me more, why won't you?’

He stared some more, an easy smile never leaving his face, his snag tooth peaking at him pressed against plush lips.

You'd think that after all this time he'd had it fixed to match his pristine look. Guess not. It was comforting in a way, keeping one thing that's so him, so uniquely Ivan, the old Ivan at least.

“So what? You're here to stare at me?” His voice remained annoyed and curt. He didn't have much patience for Ivan who kept him at arm's length for someone who was this close to his body. 

He blinked, a sheepish grin spreading across his lips “Sorry, I didn't realize I was doing it” 

‘Don't lie.’

Finally, he looked away, opting to look up at the dark, midnight sky above them. Till visibly relaxed now that his attention shifted elsewhere.

They sat in silence like they usually did. It was more of an uncomfortable one this time. 

‘Just leave me’

Something scraped against the pavement, a cold metal pressed against his thigh. Beer, Ivan brought two cans of beer with him as a last-minute conversation server and thank God for that. 

Till eagerly hooked his fingers into the tab, opening his beverage with a soft hissing sound, and immediately brought it up to his lips to occupy them with anything honestly. Ivan took his time, tapping his fingers against the metallic surface as he sipped slowly and carefully making him look messy in contrast.

“So… Are you dating anyone?”

The question caught him so off guard he choked on his beer, the rest flew out of his mouth onto the pavement underneath him. He was coughing so hard, which maybe this would've finally taken him out and he'd have a way out of this conversation but Ivan was soon at his side, patting his back gingerly to help him.

“God really?” He managed to blur out and amidst all the hacking and wheezing, Ivan just smiled at him. He was teasing him, what an asshole. 

“Why are you asking? Want to rub your perfect relationship in my face?” He just asked with a huff, his cheeks reddened from all this wheezing but he managed to catch his breath somehow.

“Ah no, was just curious about it” he wanted to ask more for sure, pry him open like a book, and read through him. He could feel the questions forming. Are you still into Mizi? Have you moved on from her? Have you started dating someone? But he knew Ivan wouldn't ask, he's being weirdly careful with him and it's uncharacteristic for Ivan. At least the Ivan he knew because old Ivan would be sticking to him like glue, teasing him and grinning from ear to ear. This one treated him like an acquaintance if not a stranger. 

He hasn't even changed that much damn it! He's still so lanky and he stuck to his messy hairstyle and baggy clothes to keep that bad boy look. He got some tattoos and piercings but it's not like they overly changed how he looks, more like complimented him. He's stuck being a rowdy teenager while Ivan is moving on with his life and being an adult, leaving all of them behind.

Asshole.

They fell quiet again, him fiddling with the can, Ivan looking at him again. He hates it so much.

“Seriously, why are you here?” He finally asked, and this time he dared to look back at him, his teal eyes boring into his dark ones. What is his eye color anyway? It was too dark for him to figure it out. He never really looked at him long enough to figure it out. He never really asked either. 

The man beside him stilled. He held onto his question for a bit longer, thinking, figuring out the best words to use, and yet nothing came out of it. Because he didn't know himself? Why did he follow Till out when Till himself was avoiding him like some uncomfortable inconvenience at a party? His so-called best friend. Sure, they told him to check up on him but he could've easily asked someone else to do it. Someone who wouldn't have this awkward conversation with him right now. 

“They told me to check up on you” Smile never left his lips but somewhat it didn't quite reach his eyes. He was lying his ass off as if Till wouldn't realize it, he's not that dense.

But sure, keep lying, why won't you?

He scoffed, taking another long sip of the beer to drown out his annoyance from this whole situation.

It was silent again, he could hear the muffled thrumming of bass and laughter coming out of Mizi's apartment on the 3rd floor. Damn it, he can't come back there, he's going home.

Till sluggishly got up from the ground and Ivan followed suit, even gripping his arm when Till stumbled after realizing that his leg fell asleep and he lost stability.

“Don't coddle me, I'm going home” he snapped, snatching his arm away from his hold. He wasn't drunk, just a little clumsy and the redness on his cheek wasn't from the alcohol, just sheer embarrassment. 

The taller man stepped back, giving him some space for him to brush any dirt off his pants and throw the can into the nearest trash. He turned on his heel and walked away with a scowl on his face but he heard heels following close behind either way. 

“Don't follow me” he huffed out, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly as he looked over his shoulder to see Ivan right behind him with a carefree smile.

“I feel like we haven't finished talking and you're running away” he stated matter-of-factly and Till stopped in his tracks to look at him over the shoulder, he had to crane his head back to look him in the eyes. 

‘Too sober for this’ 

“You want to talk? Fine” he grumbled and turned over to face him, his eyebrows furrowed in annoyance, lips pursed into a scowl. “We can talk about how you left us and said nothing for years, I bet you're planning to go no contact after this party.”

Till walked close, jabbing his finger into Ivan’s shirt with each word he spat out. Not like it hurt Ivan but Till was sure as hell hurt. 

What was it? Four years? Four years of silence after all those years spent together, like it was fucking nothing to him but it was sure as hell something for him.

He realized his absence way too fast, especially since no freakish eyes were watching him anymore and it made him surprisingly lonely. Which was a crazy statement for him to say when he always yelled at him for staring and making him uncomfortable. 

Not to mention all the fuzzy thoughts that started popping up in his head, when he was crazily analyzing all the interactions they had and somewhat putting himself in the middle of the reasons why he left. He didn't want to blame himself but it was so easy to do. 

Even worse yet he imagined what it would be to see him again. To talk to him. Each time it ended with a fistfight and yelling. 

Except for one time.

Once… Just once when he was drunk off his ass and depressed as hell Ivan's face popped up in his head and this time he threw himself at him, kissing him until he bled all over his lips and that was good enough for him. The recoiled at the thought in the morning even if last night he melted at the mere idea of touching Ivan, seeing him.

And where did all those ideas get him? Nowhere because of his looming presence beside him, the heat of his body caused him to look away in shame. No fighting, no kissing, nothing grand, just bare and raw humiliation swirling in his body causing him to stand in place and keep all the insults and curses locked on his tongue.

‘Shit’

“I'm sorry” Till's eyes winded, the blue of his irises mixed with confusion when Ivan dared to apologize to him. What a joke, this wasn't enough, never enough from him. Not after all that.

“Ha,” What else was he supposed to say? Accept it and move on so they can go back to being friends? Fuck that, he wanted blood and tears from him even if he fought his own pathetic ones at the moment.

They stood silently again. He waited for Ivan to continue apologizing, he yearned for it, he wanted him on his knees in front of him and begging for forgiveness. For leaving everything unsure, weird, and awkward. For having him question himself.

“I don't have to explain myself to you” His velvet voice was far more calm and collected compared to his shaky and rough one from all the emotions. Fuck that guy for always managing his emotions when Till was breaking down beside him. Scream for once, get mad, or better yet punch him again like you used to when they were kids. Do something, don't make Till be the childish one again.

He gritted his teeth and swung his arm, connecting it to his plush cheek. Ivan stumbled back, his slender hands reaching out to graze his fingertips against his reddening skin. It barely helped Till, he wasn't satisfied with a punch at all, not when Ivan barely responded to the punch. Fucker, always keeping everything inside.

“You asshole, you're pissing me off” he groaned, trying to connect his fist to his other cheek to make it even but this time he caught it, keeping his thin wrist in his surprisingly delicate grip. Till thrashed around, trying to pull it away and this time run away from him and lock himself in his apartment but he wasn't letting go at all.

This time his dark eyes shone with actual emotions even if his expression stayed uncomfortably neutral. 

“You're making it hard for me” 

What does that even mean? His wrist remained in his hold, he could've pulled it out but it remained still. They both remained still.

“I never know what you think fucker” he murmured. He was overly expressive, annoyingly so and he wished he could conceal his emotions or at least control them when Ivan bottled up everything leaving him puzzled after some of their conversations.

“If I wanted you to know you'd know” 

He wasn't sure if they ever argued like this before, this was something. Now he just needed to get him to bleed, he needed to see red all over that pretty, pale face and he'd be satisfied enough with the reunion.

“Stop giving me this shit, say something, fuck, just tell me what happened and we can go back to never talking again since that's exactly what you want” Till pushed through his personal space to stand chest to chest with him. His warmth seeped through his shirt and he could faintly feel the thrumming of his heart against his ribcage. So he is nervous despite his neutral expression. Ivan's eyes dilated to the point where you couldn't exactly say where his pupil ended and iris started, he was just looking at him and his gaze was so heavy and filled with something he had a hard time naming.

The weird fantasy of them kissing flashed through his mind and he had to pause. Seriously? Why now? They were pressed against each other, he could feel his quick, warm breath against his cheek. And God it would be so so easy to just pull him in and kiss him, but it would overcomplicate things, by like, a lot. Not his fault for being all angry and barely in control of his emotions and actions, he was being impulsive but he's drawing a line on that make-out session. It would be hot though.

What is wrong with him? Is he having a sexuality crisis right now?

Ivan let out a shaky sigh he was keeping inside, the hand he wrapped around his wrist moved up his arm, his fingers grazing his skin with such gentleness he actually leaned in towards his lips before Ivan pushed him away to get some space.

“I'm sorry,” he repeated but this time he took a shaky breath to continue his sentence with more eloquence “I wanted some space, I didn't think you'd still care this much after all this time. ”

Bull. Shit.

For someone this mature Ivan did not understand feelings at all, did he? He can't just assume shit for him, he can't just put words in his mouth. At the same time, Till didn't reach out at all and it was stupid of him, he had to give him that, he understood why he assumed he didn't care about him. 

He did though, of course, he fucking did.

Now everything was awkward and stiff, like overly so. They stood side to side at least, but this time Till couldn't look at him, he started walking, looking over his shoulder to see if Ivan was following. Of course he was.

“I did miss you dumbass, we were friends, weren't we?” Till huffed and Ivan just smiled at him, happy enough with the answer. “We could… meet up and hang out, right?” 

He nodded, his black hair swirling in the summer breeze as he followed him, no matter where he was Ivan was by his side. “Yeah… If you'd like. I’d like to” 

Till scoffed but the corner of his lips curled upwards anyway. Yeah, he wants to, a lot.

They talked more, even if Ivan kept his distance and avoided some topics with such finesse Till almost brushed it off. Because they are friends, or at least used to be. Fuck he wasn't sure because once he stood in the doorway of his house and looked back at him, at his looming presence, at a soft, familiar smile he felt like they were back in the high school again, stupid awkward teens. He could be stupid and brash again, to hell with consequences, they were young. He pulled Ivan inside his hallway, letting him stumble across the wooden floor.

What was he doing? Where was he going with it? He had an idea but he wasn't sure what exactly possessed him (other than that fantasy of them kissing again). Ivan watched him with the same amount of curiosity as Till but he didn't dare to move, not when he had him like this.

‘Too sober to be acting like a horny teenager’

The silence enveloped them, pressing down on their quiet, hidden needs and weird thoughts that were currently bouncing in their head. He could barely see Ivan now, his hallway was so dark and the moon that peaked through the small window in his door only illuminated the right side of his face. He could see his narrowed dark irises digging through his skull to unravel what he might be thinking right now even if Till sure as hell didn't know. At least in this darkness, he couldn't see how flushed his face became out of nowhere.

“Ivan,” he mumbled, breaking the silence, which caused him to move closer towards him, seeking his features in the dark outline of his body right in front of him.

“What are you thinking about?” 

Till couldn't say ‘Oh you know, kissing you’ because fuck that sounds needy and also embarrassing as hell. Did he seriously drag him here because he wanted to make out? Seriously? 

He did. He did without really thinking it over.

But then his face was inched closer to him, he did call his name out.

‘Fuck’

His eyes fluttered slightly as Ivan surrounded him, the lavender filling his nostrils as he pressed his warm forehead to his. It's so warm, the summer heat wasn't helping this situation either, not at all.

Slowly, carefully Till blindly reached out to hold onto something, anything. His hands scraped against his round cheeks, delving into the silkiness of his dark curls that melted seamlessly into the darkness around them and then he pulled him in. Their breaths mingled with each other, the warmth of his flushed cheeks seeped through his skin and they stood still for a little while longer. Ivan wasn't going to push boundaries, Till was embarrassed and genuinely so confused about what his body wanted from him. So he said ‘fuck it’ and pressed his chapped lips against Ivan’s and of course, they were plush and perfect. There's no way his lips are always like that.

Till's body pressed into his door, he could feel the doorknob digging into his waist harshly but he couldn't care less, not when Ivan's lips were pressed firmly against his all clumsy and messy. Their first kiss was more teeth than tongue before they fell into the rhythm more or less. He was inexperienced, well more like both of them were with how weird and unnatural it felt.  But he didn't care, he wasn't going to back down because holy shit having him press into his body felt so good he was getting dizzy. He tilted his head to the side, his nose brushing against his as he attacked his lips from a different angle to feel more of his plushness pressed up against him.

“Holy fuck” This time Till’s curses spilled out of his lips only to be drowned by his shaky groans. He wants to hear more. 

His teeth dug down into his flesh, blood spilling from the cuts to prettily decorate his kiss-swollen lips. His hasty tongue immediately got to work, twirling, dragging itself up the ruby waterfall to keep his dear friend clean and proper in his messy state. He tasted sweet, and God knows he wanted more, so without any warning he delved past his battered lips to trace against what he could find. Teeth, gums, the roof of his mouth, he felt it all until Ivan sprung back to action and slid his tongue against Till's.

Their tongues swirled, tangled, and rolled against each other so feverishly he had a hard time focusing on anything else than the heat of his mouth, his smell and taste. God the taste. Sweet, he always liked sweets. Ivan tugged his hair, earning a low groan out of Till that startled the man, soon enough his hand was caressing the place he tugged on as if he was apologizing. 

He groaned annoyed, ‘He bruised his lips and he felt bad over some hair pulling? Stupid.’

His slender hands wrapped around his shoulder to pull him in, bodies pressed flush against each other, without thinking he moved against him, which caused him to sober up and jump back to hit the door. He became overly aware of his whole presence and body and the realization that he had just shamelessly grinded his bulge against Ivan made his ears flush out of sheer embarrassment. He didn't realize he was already getting this horny, they just kissed, how desperate was he for someone's touch? 

Not someone's, Ivan's.

“It's fine” Ivan's voice was strained and so rough from Till's ministrations that he could swear he felt his stomach flip… amongst other things. 

He pushed him more against the door, not letting him escape so easily again. This time he rolled his hips and now another revelation hit him when something stiff grazed his hip bone.

“What do you want to do?” Ivan's head dropped down onto his shoulder, his tousled hair brushing his neck. He was breathing so heavily, his cheeks warm, his body trembling, and that raw neediness in his voice.

He was just as horny as Till was and that caused his head to short-circuit. 

“Bed” For someone who prided himself on being a lyricist his short answer lacked the usual nuance and depth. Well fuck that, he'd rather do something else than pick and choose his words.

With his sharp nails digging into his shirt and his mouth (or moreso teeth) on his neck bruising and messing up his pristine appearance, Till dragged Ivan away and he followed, almost overly eager like a puppy on a leash. One nibble on his pulse point got him whimpering and shaking and it caused Till to almost throw him against the wall and do… something. He had no idea what he was doing or where this was going either, he was going with the flow and for now, it led him towards his bedroom. 

He kicked the doors open with his heavy boots, letting the door crash against his wall with a loud thud. He spun them around, pushing Ivan deeper into his room until his knees bucked against the edge of his bed and he had no other way to go but down onto the mattress.

His body bounced off it before sinking comfortably into it’s embrace while Till stood back and tugged flustered on his shirt. It wasn't coming off, he looked so stupid tangled in his tank top. Fuck, fuuuck. He could hear the fabric tear somewhere in the distance but he didn't care too much about it. 

The soft creaking of his bed snapped him back, or more so Ivan's presence because his hands hooked into his belt hoops and tugged him towards him with one pull.

“Careful…” He was laughing at him, he heard the twinge of teasing under all that roughness from Till kissing his stupid. 

His warm hands grazed his hips and his muscles and Till twitched at the sudden, gentle touch. He couldn't see shit and honestly, it made him so much more excited. This was Ivan after all, he was unpredictable, especially older Ivan. 

Luckily he didn't tease him too much, his fingers dug under his shirt to pull it over his head and release him from his temporarily clothed prison to carelessly throw it somewhere on the ground.

His teal eyes met his dark ones for a split second before everything became a smudge when his lips were on his again. Gentle, careful but he could feel the underlying neediness buried underneath. 

This time he was thrown onto the bed, Ivan's lean body loomed above him just to stare with a goofy smile on his lips.

‘What a jerk’

His warm hands traveled up his skin again, fingers following the curves of his arm before wrapping around his slim wrists to keep them secure against the mattress. It's not like he couldn't pull them away, Ivan didn't put any pressure on his hold, he just kept them in a gentle hold on each side of his head.

Ivan’s eyes dragged lazily across his exposed body, stopping on the tent in his pants for a second or two. 

“Stop looking” he hissed frustrated, the tips of his ears turning red from the sheer embarrassment over the intensity of his gaze. 

The man above him shifted slightly, his thighs straddling his hips so he could comfortably resume his observations and bluntly undress him with his eyes from whatever was left on his body. He was about to say something when his words got stuck in his throat. Ivan watched him and it was so fucking overwhelming Till had to bite his tongue. 

He leaned down finally, nuzzling his nose into the crown of his hairline and nuzzling him so softly that if it wasn't for his lavender scent and warmth he wouldn't even feel it. Then he moved down, tracing his temple, cheek, jawline, cheek with his lips, not exactly kissing, just touching. He was treating him with such tenderness Till almost felt bad about all the biting he did on their way to his bedroom.

His mouth found its spot on his pulse point and Ivan pressed an open mouth kiss onto it, his tongue tracing his skin and it made him shudder. Teeth. His canine dragged across his neck but he pulled away as if burned, settling back on velvety kisses and gentle kitten licks.

“You can be rougher” It took him a lot of willpower to speak again, he almost forgot that he could say his wants out loud.

He felt his breath hitch, hands squeeze his wrists a bit harder and his gaze grew bolder and huskier.

This time his teeth dragged across his skin and bit down earning a muffled groan from Till underneath him. He nibbled on him more, red blooming across his newly acquired pale canvas. At least they'll match now. 

He let go of his wrists, letting his palms explore again and settle on his slim waist before sluggishly dragging his fingers upwards to the planes of his torso. It feels like he's all over the place, unsure what to do because truthfully he wants it all, he just hasn't decided on in which order he wants to go so he's doing everything at the same time.

Till was panting underneath. His skin burned with each touch, each caress, leaving him somewhat needy. Is he really this sensitive, or is it because it’s Ivan? He doesn’t give a fuck currently. 

Their eyes met at some point during this whole mess, Till’s face was flushed, eyes unfocused and hazy matching Ivan’s dark ones. 

‘Fuck, he looks hot.’

His hands reached up to trail his fingers through his midnight locks and harshly pulled him down into another searing kiss, lips slotting against each other. He kept Ivan occupied for now, kept his lips on his while his hand moved down his back, across his waist, and finally rested on his firm chest. He blindly gripped the buttons on his shirt, undoing every single one painfully slow. Damn, he could’ve popped a few of them off, it’s so warm outside anyway. Till groaned annoyed against his lips, it was taking way too long so with ease he tugged on the fabric and unceremoniously ripped the rest of the buttons off. The plastic circles fell over his chest and floor, hushed thuds ringing through the mostly quiet room aside from their panting and groaning. 

“Oops,” He mumbled against his lips, a grin spreading across his lips as his hand now delved to caress newly uncovered territory. His body was firm and hard, nicely shaped too. Damn, he was working out while Till stayed lanky. Asshole. 

Ivan just huffed out an amused laugh in response, leaning in for another kiss. He liked kissing him, a lot apparently, but each time, it was overly rough and needy.

Slowly and steadily his hand dipped south, marveling at how his muscles tensed and moved underneath his touch, and how it caused him to let out soft, sweet moans. Cute.

Finally, his hand fumbled with the zipper on his pants, slowly dragging it down, undoing each tooth of the zipper before reaching the bottom. He gripped the waistband of his pants, giving it an overly exaggerated tug, hoping he’d catch his drift and take them off. He didn’t budge, too focused on watching him with a lopsided smile.

“Ivan” He hissed annoyed, reaching up to grab his chin and force his gaze down to their pants. Till’s jeans were baggy but with Ivan mounting him and all that kissing it made them way too tight for his liking.

“Oh” He caught up and carefully got off his lap to take all his clothes off, and he made sure to peel them off as slowly as possible along with his shiny shoes, which only made Till roll his eyes.

‘Show-off’

His own hands worked on the stubborn zipper, tugging it down and breaking it in the process, but he didn’t care, he needed them off. He kicked his booth off and with a few more pulls, his trousers landed with a thud on the floor. He could finally sigh relieved when his bulge wasn’t squashed against his fly. The mattress dipped down to accommodate Ivan’s weight as he returned to sit on his lap again, his lithe, almost naked body pressed close and Till’s eyes winded when his hard shaft pressed against his black briefs. 

Ivan wasn’t wasting any more time and just opted to undress himself fully.

“Holy shit” He couldn’t stop his thoughts from pouring out to reality, which made Ivan laugh amused. His face burned hot, he could feel his neck and ears growing red or redder at this point. Damn, he was pretty, genuinely gorgeous while he looked like a blushing mess underneath him. He needed to calm himself down, if he kept looking at him he’ll get weird ideas and cum in his underwear like a teenager and he’ll never live it off. He was a mess but he was better than this.

Ivan’s hands placed down on Till’s chest and slowly rolled his hips against his throbbing boner. He was getting way too cozy on his lap. His shaky hands (fuck, he’s trembling? He can’t believe he’s this nervous, like an awkward schoolboy) rested on his hips to keep him in place, a soft groan escaping past his shaky lips when Ivan pushed down to slide his warm manhood against his clothed one.

‘He wasn’t going to pull them down, was he?’ With a miffed sigh, he tugged on his underwear, letting his shaft slap against his warm stomach. It was getting real, like really real. Ivan stopped moving for a little, waiting for Till to shift, throw him off, or say something but he stayed down pressed into the mattress underneath his lean body, and waited.

He was considering something, he realized. Debating whether to touch him, please him with his hands or maybe take him in his mouth or… or. With a melodic hum, Ivan shifted his hips dragging his twitching member against his slim stomach until it slipped over Till’s. 

He was bigger than him, his length loomed above his pressing insistently against his own ‘If we’d go all the way he’d definitely destroy me’ This thought made him pause for a little. Right, he had no idea where this was going or how far they’d go, he wasn’t sure if he was even ready to just.. fuck.

A soft pop of a bottle snapped him back to the present, his teal eyes focused back on the man above him who casually dripped copious amounts of lube on his fingers. 

‘Where did he…?’

“Were you planning to get lucky tonight or do you keep your lube out as a room decoration?” He quizzed with another goofy smile on his face. Till was compelled to throw him out of his bed but he looked hot so he just swatted his chest peeved.

He shouldn’t be this embarrassed, he just.. fucking forgot to put it back in his shelf, not like he expected anyone to come over to his house or bedroom on that matter.

He gasped softly when Ivan’s long fingers deftly skimmed over their sensitive skin. His breath hitched, the coolness of the lube fighting against the overwhelming warmth of their combined heat. Eventually, Ivan wrapped his palm around their shafts and gave them a tentative tug, earning a rough groan from both of them. He shifted around again, his thighs pressing against his slimmer ones as he began to slowly and carefully roll and grind his hips against Till’s, keeping a nice rhythm above him.

It felt good, really good, and Till wasn’t sure where to look. He wanted to keep his gaze on Ivan, his muscles, long fingers, ruddy red cheeks, and narrowed eyes in such focus that he was worried that Ivan was overthinking this whole thing (that’s Till’s job). 

Till’s hands traveled up his hips, fingers digging into his delicate skin to help him move, angling him differently, pulling and pushing him faster above him.

He liked this, clearly, he had never seen Ivan with such a fucked out expression, and when he thinks about it they’d just started. He probably matched his appearance, he could feel himself getting more and more lightheaded from his presence alone.

The skilled hands around their members tightened experimentally, they groaned in unison at the feeling so Ivan decided to try more things out, get Till to be louder. He picked up his pace, aligning their shafts to rub against each other, their sensitive tips kissing and sliding with each move and roll. His thumb thrummed against his frenulum and Ivan smirked at how Till's body shuddered in response.

Up, down, press, squeeze, and repeat. He was losing it, it was too much. He's not used to being this spoiled by someone. 

His fingers dug into his hips, grounding himself in the middle of the numbing pleasure. He didn't want to cum so fast, it would be embarrassing to him so he held onto it, counting to a hundred, saying the alphabet backwards, anything helped to get his mind off how good it all felt.

“Ah” Till’s resolve crumbled when out of a sudden Ivan’s body twitched above him, head rolled back in pleasure, back arching so prettily that Till was a goner. Well almost, he collected himself at the last minute before falling off the edge into oblivion.

What a sight it was.

He was so whiny, so vocal, hips stuttering, his tip dripping precum over his own member and sliding down into his navel. His hand trembled around them, all his upstrokes, twists, and pumps were now punctuated with the shakiness and the lubrication from his fluids.

“Close?” He asked hoarsely as if the picture before him wasn't enough proof that he was melting above him.

Ivan's glassy eyes gazed at him, and all he could do was nod. He wished he could say something, but so far, his mouth was too occupied with moaning and whining above him. They were on the same page, but Till had a harder time keeping it together himself.

His hands traveled up his hips, waist, shoulders and finally, neck into his hair, it didn't take him much to coax Ivan to lean down and smash his lips against his in another messy kiss. Drool rolled down his chin but he didn't care, he was too occupied with swallowing all the high-pitched whines that rolled off his tongue with such ease. 

It took them a few more pumps before Ivan moaned Till's name with such a pretty, breathless tone and twitched above him, releasing his essence across his warm chest, and fuck that was what made him let go and join Ivan in his ecstasy. His hips bucked, a rough moan escaping from his throat as his cum splattered across his skin.

They were both breathless, panting and shaking with their lips stubbornly fighting to stay locked in their kiss. It was hard when both of them needed to breathe but the need to kiss proved to be more powerful. They parted just a bit, enough for them to take a deep breath and brush against each other ever so slightly.

“You're okay?” Till found his voice to speak again, not that he had anything smart to say, not ever. 

His partner just nodded and slumped against his warm body, burying his nose in the crook of his neck to breathe in and out, collect himself, remind himself he was with Till for once, just where he wanted to be.

They just lay there quietly and for once Till's head was clear enough to think (something he rarely ever did before from what he realized.) Shit, he came so hard he blacked out for a second there. His eyes locked on the bush of black, tangled hair tucked underneath his chin, the arch of his spine that peaked underneath his dress shirt. He looked so… small curled up into him, it was weird. No, not weird, just… unusual. Hesitantly he brushed his palm across his shoulders, tugging on his collar to pull the shirt off his warm torso, Ivan obliged, untangling his arms from his sleeves to discard his button-down somewhere on the floor in the background along with its ripped buttons.

He slowly sat up to show his form in all its glory. Pale, pink  skin hugging his perfect form, the flush of red spread across his body, and the only thought that filled Till’s brain was what other pretty colors he could put on that. Fuck he was getting all kinds of ideas and he couldn't even stop them from flooding his brain and pushing out his remnants of decency and reason.

“Already?” Ivan cooed almost overly teasingly when he brought attention to Till's already eager and ready length with a roll of his hips. He had no idea when or how he managed to get hard again, maybe it was somewhere between his thoughts about biting down on his shoulder hard enough to make him bleed or rolling them over to be on top and wipe that smirk off his face. Hard to say.

‘Fuck’ 

What now? It's not like he ever fucked a guy before, or fucked in general. There were some steps to follow, preparations, stretching, warming up, right? 

Who was going to do who, that's also a valid question-

He lay down underneath Ivan, staring at nothing as his head spun with ideas, worries, and some weird plans when Ivan wrapped his pale hand around his length and pressed himself against him so shamelessly that Till stared at him as if he grew a second head.

He connected the dots right there and then. Ivan lubed himself when they were humping, which additionally meant that Till came all over his stomach just from rubbing against each other while Ivan came from both that and fingering. This also also meant that Till was a weak man and bucked under Ivan just like that. Shit, that's embarrassing. 

“You're okay with this?” The desperation and neediness seeped out of Ivan’s voice, it was unmistakable, barely concealed, not like Ivan was hiding how horny he was at the moment.

What kind of question was that anyway? He was hard and so humiliatingly horny that asking him about having sex was just absurd, especially since his dick was throbbing against his stomach overly impatient.

“Yeah, yeah… You? Since you’re uh…” He was fumbling with his words, they felt so clumsy on his tongue. He wished that he could sound cool and collected during sex, to sweep his partner off his feet but he was a blabbering mess. Well, Ivan ended up in his bed anyway, maybe there was some hope for him, especially since Ivan is hot as hell objectively and he could easily have anyone, and yet…

Yet.

“Yeah, wouldn’t have fingered myself if I didn’t want to” He mumbled candidly, a stupid grin plastered on his face while he shifted around to press himself exactly above his shaft. He was… slow and careful, ready to pull away and let him go the very moment Till showed any kind of doubt. But he didn’t, no, more like he was gazing at him annoyed and impatient, ready to push him off his lap, throw all the tenderness out of the window and just fuck him like some kind of nymphomaniac. No, he was better than that, besides he didn’t want to hurt Ivan and he had zero idea how gay sex worked (or normal sex in general). Well, he had a hunch, like bare minimum knowledge based on porn he watched, which wasn’t the best resource. He didn’t exactly trust himself to…  Be slow right now either.

Ivan’s eyes stayed on his, watching him with so much curiosity when he descended on him, earning a quiet hiss from Till when his leaking tip pressed against his lubed hole. He rolled his hips tentatively, his hand wrapping around his shaft to hold him in place to finally pop his head past his entrance with a groan. Till twitched underneath him, a shaky moan passing his kiss-swollen lips as the sheer tightness that engulfed his sensitive flesh. He was fighting so hard not to push up, take more faster, harder, but he stopped himself by digging his nails into his palms to stay grounded. His hips twitched ever so slightly, shallowly thrusting up, not enough to move deep or anything like that. He probably looked super awkward with his arms stiffly pressed on either side of his body, a weird, unreadable expression on his face and his body weirdly tense. He was fighting a losing battle and paid for it by looking stupid under a gorgeous, gorgeous man who was currently taking his virginity. 

That’s why Ivan loved him.

“Calm down, you won’t hurt me, I can take it” He punctuated his words with slow bounces on top of him, pushing his deeper with each roll, which in return earned a groan and another shallow thrust from the man below. He caressed his lanky form, coaxing all the stiffness out of his body, especially since he wanted him to enjoy it and have fun, not… well whatever Till was doing. He had to place his hands on his hips himself, Till was getting shy and Ivan had to push him out of his shell and relax.

With one more roll, he sheathed his whole shaft inside and Till’s went blank for a second or two. Ivan stood still, for now, savoring the connection, the fulness, and Till’s red face twisted in barely controlled pleasure.

“Can I move or do you need some time to adjust?” Till should be the one asking him that but Ivan was doing overly fine in a situation like this, quite literally thriving sprawled on his lap. He huffed, squeezing his hips in his clammy, sweaty hands, and with a growl rolled his hips up to earn a suprised gasp from Ivan.

Good, he can’t let him get too cocky. 

Ivan followed suit, matching his clumsy, ragged moves with his sharper, more deliberate ones. Till knew, just knew that by now Ivan realized that he sucked at this, he didn't bother to comment on it, too busy focusing on matching his rhythm. It felt good, that’s what mattered.

He was slowly getting it, bucking up into him with soft whines and movements that felt like he was putting some thought into it (even if he was completely losing it underneath him and swaying from side to side as if he was dancing on the brink of madness. He might've as well with how good everything felt. Too much, not enough, so good, too good, not good enough. Watching Ivan bounce on top of him, observing the way his midnight hair bounced, the way his eyes dug into his soul like he was looking for… something. 

Too much.

Till surged forward, hands gripping his hips tighter to keep him in place and locked in place as he rolled them over. Ivan fell onto the mattress with a silent thud, he was almost flabbergasted that Till returned from the astral plane and decided to do something about it. First, he composed his face, his red face peeked from between his silver bangs, teal eyes unfocused and dilated as he stared down at his willing lover. So Ivan waited, too fascinated by this version of Till, this… primal, almost maniac man above him. He wanted to remember this, remember the scent, taste, warmth, and his gaze, and commit it in his brain, behind his eyelids. 

“Don't look at me like that weirdo” Till hissed embarrasses, the lovestruck puppy gaze and the sparkles in Ivan's eyes weighed down on him, making him shiver in embarrassment.  It was weird to have someone look at him like that, it was so affectionate, it made his stomach twist. So he decided to move, to throw him off his balance. 

It was hard to find a good rhythm now that he was on top. They had to shuffle around a little to find a good position too, opting for Till to brace himself on his elbows while Ivan hooked his legs loosely around his hips. He should be ashamed for having trouble keeping up his tempo, he was a musician damn it, he should know all about tempo. 

He went in shallowly at first, getting a feel for what he was supposed to do and how it worked before getting bolder. His length snapping in fully, skin slamming against the skin, moans and groans filling his room (or mostly his whines). His eyes traced down, the view of his member sinking into Ivan’s willing body was now imprinted in his head, he knew it would haunt his mind before sleep like it was haunting him right now so he had to look away. He was consistently switching angles until Ivan whimpered underneath him and that's where he stayed. He was so close, panting and blushing for him, sweating for him, gazing at him so prettily he could feel his resolve chipping away with each thrust and moan he earned him. Especially when somewhere between all this moving and their ragged breathing Ivan moaned his name and Till had to stand still and wrap his arms around Ivan's body because he was definitely not expecting that and he was so close to just letting it all out after ten minutes of being inside him. 

Ivan laughed in return, his arms gently tracing his spine's round bumps, a mellow smile on his face. It was intimate, affectionate in a way Till didn't expect it to be during what he'd call a bad fucking session with an inexperienced punk musician.

“... Are you feeling good at least, is it good?” His voice cracked in the middle and it was so humiliating he had to bury his face in his neck to avoid eye contact. 

Ivan huffed out a melodic laugh, hands tracing up to rake through his messy hair to soothe him? Comfort him? Either way, it worked because he finally exhaled nervously and relaxed his tense muscles. 

“Yeah, it is. It's good. You're doing so good,” he whispered, his hot breath on his ear making his whole body shiver. 

‘Asshole.’

He dared to pull away to face him, bright eyes meeting his black ones, breath mingling. And then he leaned in to kiss him, which came out overly needy and frantic on his part, he could tell. Ivan didn't fall behind, he was kissing his back, his snuggletooth jabbing into his already painfully red lips and he moaned. He rolled his hips, urging Till to get back to work so he obliged. With his body pressed softly against his, lips locked together and arms holding onto each other he was getting dangerously lightheaded. He knew the heat from the summer nights and the warmth of their body wasn't helping his case. 

“Faster” Once again he lost his rhythm all thanks to Ivan who decided to speak up and make him stutter in his movements.

But he obliged again, digging his teeth into his bottom lip before slamming his hips against his harshly, causing Ivan to lock his legs at the small of his back in response. 

“Fuck" At this angle he somewhat slipped deeper inside him, which Ivan apparently really really liked with how loud and clingy he got out of the sudden, which of course Till liked more than he'd like to admit.

So he chased after his moans, slamming, rolling, thrusting, anything to hear Ivan who nuzzled into him, letting out such sweet noises that borderlined on filth that made Till's head spin. Now it was officially becoming too, everything was just Ivan. Somewhere distantly he felt his shaft bob and twitch sandwiched between their sweat-slicked stomach, he squeezed his hand past their waist, blindly searching through their heated flesh until his fingers grazed his hard arousal, and gave it a soft tug. He immediately got a response when his back arched into him, mouth open wide in a silent prayer that turned into a shaky, raw whimper. 

Good, good.

He knew he wasn't going to last long, not with how tight and welcoming Ivan was, not with how good and overwhelming everything was so he had to nudge him a little bit, push him towards his orgasm first so he wouldn't feel bad about how he fumbled throughout the whole thing like a headless chicken. 

His lips found their way to his neck, biting down to draw blood and Ivan’s hands immediately fisted his locks, pushing him harder against his skin as if he was trying to merge their bodies into one, forever locked with one another, never apart again.

“Are you close? Just… fuck, fuck cum, please” He was acting so down bad, he couldn’t care less, he was way too focused on getting him off with his hand.

He was twitching like crazy in his hands, precum spilling onto his skin while Ivan moaned his name over and over again which forced Till to kiss him just to shut him up and save his wits. His voice was too much, he had no control over himself. His hips slammed deep into him again, grinding his head against his warm insides, the tip rubbing against a particular soft spot that made Ivan drool around his lips. And so he kept his pace and angle, hitting the same spot over and over again.  

“Yeah... Yeah close” Ivan finally managed to croak out somewhere between their awfully wet kisses. 

That’s all Till needed to hear, it was almost over and he didn’t have to go on any longer than he needed because by now his was more of a torture than pleasure.

He dipped down to press bites against his curved shoulder, each sink of his teeth sending ripples of pleasure down Ivan’s spine and straight to his cock. With one more harsh bite, harsh thrust, and a growl Ivan was spilling himself across his stomach with such force that his whole body trembling. This was all that Till needed because he was coming undone above him the very second Ivan trembled. His hands gave up as he fell onto his chest, his body convulsing and shaking with such force that Ivan’s arms reached up to wrap around his body while Till rocked into him with frenzy thrusts, pushing his cum deeper into his body before completely stilling.

They just lay there, sweaty, tired, and weirdly buzzed from everything. It took a few minutes for the heat between them to subside, moans quieting down, replaced by the summer night's warmth and the sounds of cicadas behind his window. For once Till was thinking more clearly, gluing all the events from the night together before concluding that a. he fucked Ivan, b. he liked it a lot, c. he’s bad at fucking, like horrible at it.

Ivan hummed underneath him, clearly back to his senses as well. He started to press gentle kisses across Till’s forehead, trailing them down his cheeks before shamelessly kissing him again. He returned without hesitation, his lips slotting against his in a choppy, slow, and soft kiss.

Good, it felt good, right.

Each time they parted for air, their lips returned to each other, tongues swiping against each other, saliva rolling down their chins in a messy kiss. They were still clumsy with their kisses, Till should be embarrassed but honestly, he couldn’t find a single fuck to give at this point.

Finally, Ivan pulled away to press one last kiss to his chin, hands gripping his shoulder tightly in his palms.

“You know you’re still in me, right?” Ivan murmured, which Till groaned in response, shifting around to carefully pull himself out with a soft pop. 

“Wait you’ll be uhh…” It was awkward to explain so Till decided to just reach out to his tissue box, pulling one to gently dab his sensitive hole, which apparently was hilarious to Ivan because he braced himself on his elbows to watch him with an amused grin. 

Till knew he’s not overly sweet or caring like… ever but he doesn’t have to make a huge deal out of it, does he?

He groaned annoyed, crumbling the dirty tissue in his hands before throwing it somewhere between their discarded clothes.

“Don’t…” he murmured, crawling on top of him with a gruff, lying down on his chest comfortably “Don’t say anything stupid asshole”

Ivan hummed in response, pushing his body up to get comfortable, cradling Till in his arms with so much care it made him sigh.

“I love you” He hummed, his lips quirking up in a grin when Till’s head snapped back up to stare at him in pure disbelief.

“...Asshole”

[redrandomposts]

That previous ask was from me (🎀) and I also had a second thought!!

which is what if till doesn’t understand he’s the kids dad until the kid is way older (like 5 or 6) and the kid starts showing off bits of his own personality or traits that aren’t present when the kid is little (Till assumes the kids light hair will darken with age but when it says grey some wheels might start turning)

also do u think they would have a girl or or a boy? (I’m thinking girl cause I think Till has big girl dad energy)

and for the sake of the thought experiment Till has started being referred to as “uncle till “ while helping take care of the kid (for additional pain on Ivan’s part- because they are kind of a family now! But not in the way he wants + complete brother zone for his relationship with till from his perspective) because he’s always around and taking care of her so he’s basically her family

and since in this concept they aren’t mated so till might start- oh I dunno going back on tour to help make money to give his favorite “niece “ everything she could ever want which means both their poor emotional systems are gonna be losing it being so far away from their almost mate :(

And also- since their set up is mostly sorted and longer term “platonic” in this timeline I think till might (in a bid to get his weird unidentifiable feelings out of his system ) starts up a consistent friends with benefits situation (which only serves to make their moments of separation worse)

and I dunno maybe a few years into the set up maybe Ivan could be faced with yet another kid on the way and till being home when he finds out (and will be for at least the next 6 months) so he has to figure out whether to break the news now- at a point so deep in he’s unsure if his relationship with Till could ever recover, fake another random father for the kid- or terminate it to prevent till from ever having to deal with it. (And I think like- Till kinda wants to get Ivan pregnant subconsciously so he keeps asking to have unsafe sex and Ivan can never refuse him anything)

I’m not sure what choice Ivan would make but they are all really interesting to think about!!

i give you an easy way out and you give me angst

this is why people say alien stage fans are allergic to happiness. (/pos? /hj)

anyways i think the best course of action is to give ivan pain because thats what you do to characters you love.

SIKE! I AM NOT LIKE THAT! i wanna give ivan the universe, made of love and sugar and fluff

so, yes, this could happen, but also:

->sua would absolutely beat up till if he was an in-and-out pseudo-parent, especially since the moment she saw the child she probably knew it was till's

->luka would...give till the side-eye of his life. he'd manipulate till by staying at ivan's whenever he can, forming an equally-close relationship with their child, and getting their child to call him father. yeah, he may be an omega, but hes alpha-ing better than till

->mizi would be the therapist mother friend and intervene

->hyuna... roundhouse kicks and a diss track should do it.

anyways till is going to learn how bad of an idea it is to do that before he can make it a solid routine. i believe in the rest of the alnst cast!

let me embrace ivan in a nice, warm, loving hug, you cruel monster (/hj)

if you really want that, though... (tw: miscarriage)

ivan gets into a weird rejected-omega state and is unsuitable to continue work, barely hanging on due to his little princess. he'd constantly be in his nest, mostly built with till's clothes, wondering where he went wrong. again and again, he'd wonder, each day till was away, each month till was on tour. till's songs would repeat on the speakers, and before long his pheromones would wane and disappear.

if ivan got pregnant in that state... well, his body wouldn't be able to handle it. till goes on a world tour before the bump shows, and ivan...he'd be worn out, desperately trying to keep the child, but he doesn't hear the wails he did with his first when he does give birth a month early.

it destroys him. he calls till as soon as he can, gasping breath after breath, tears running down his cheeks; "our baby's gone, till, they're gone, i couldn't give birth again. im sorry, im sorry, im so sorry, alpha."

their little princess is at their friend's house, waiting to hear if she got a little sibling.

till hurries to the hospital, sitting in an airplane for agonizing hours, and when he gets there he's informed that ivan will have extreme difficulty getting pregnant again, let alone giving birth.

i hope you're happy, 🎀. i hope youre crying so much because you just cant take the fluff i willingly give out!! (/j /hl)

fml what am i doing why am i so petty

[liquidstar]

Okay anyway what I understand about Hyuna and Luka's backstory so far goes like this:

The two of them were part of a trio of really close friends. Hyuna seemed to be closer with their third (unnamed) friend, possibly had feelings for him. Luka liked Hyuna and came onto her (at the very least tried to kiss her and was possibly being forceful or at least sudden about it) but she rejected him in some way. He blamed their other friend so the next time they saw each other they got into a big fight, where he ultimately killed him. It's hard to tell if that was 100% his intent going in, given that prior to this whole thing he seemed to be the more timid type that we were expecting from before his introduction, but either way he ended up murdering him and was smiling about it (his smile while bloody and beaten reminded me of his smirk after Mizi beat him up, knowing she'd also be killed). In any case I think that's the moment our Luka was born, something inside him completely snapped (either from the rejection or the murder) that might have been festering for a while given the whole alien stage system he's also in... We know the gist of it but not the details, and maybe we never will because they're not necessarily the important part. But yeah Luka's fucked up and I completely understand Hyuna's hang-ups.

The person she potentially loved, (or at the very least was close friends with, but given the themes of unrequited love and death and love=worship I'm believing it's the latter) was murdered right in front of her by her other close friend, for her. And from there they both went in completely opposite directions. Luka completely bought into the Alien Stage system, exploits it as much as he can while still being a pawn in it, and continues to hurt and kill through it- losing his humanity. Hyuna escaped somehow (I'm assuming before the proper Alien Stage competition, similar to how Ivan and Till almost did, and probably lost her leg in the process) and she became a revolutionary for humankind. Singing for herself and not for the aliens as we saw here. Retaking a uniquely human thing that has been commodified...

What I find interesting is that you can see their backstory as a dark version of the current generation of contestants. They also had plenty of heartache resulting from unrequited love, even though they're also friends. Things could have turned out like this for them too, but things are different now. Even though Sua has been killed (and this pain of Mizi's is one Hyuna can relate to) Mizi has literally been broken out of the Alien Stage cycle. About to crash the performance of the Ultimate unrequited love drama (The guy that loves her, and the guy that loves the guy that loves her lol) and they'll be able to come out of it for the better, together, I hope.

[shakingparadigm]

SECOND ASK HELLO!!!!

IVAN AND TILL TIME (will get to the other characters separately)

soo!!! for ivan and till i'm still debating whether they should be what most closely mirrors their alnst counterparts (idols/musicians/actors) or something that kinda just has the overall vibe

One of the reasons i'm more inclined to go with ivan being an idol and till being an independent musician is that for till (ivan i can see doing something else), till's character is really tied to his music and i think it would be weird to separate him from that if that makes sense. So i'm going with that for now :D So everyone else will probably be idol/music industry related so they know each other

BEFORE THE TRAIN (basically just a modern au)

Note: Anakt garden here would probably be an idol/acting training program or something

IVAN:

- Was raised from childhood to become an idol, has had very little control of his life

- faces constant pressure to preform well and keep a good brand image

- Every aspect of his life is monitored by someone else from his diet, hobbies, relationships (not that he has any skjdjf), etc

- (he's an almost perfect mirror of his alnst self)

- Due to the heavy restrictions in behavior, ability to peruse passions, and being isolated from a normal childhood, till caught his eye for that reason

- He envies till's freedom in being an independent artist, having split off from contractors/labels to persue his own music (and his ability to make his own decisions, live his life without the huge pressure etc)

- The intense competitive nature of his career is something so ingrained in his life that he finds it hard to imagine a simple domestic lifestyle

- His manager is Unsha of course

- basically, i barely changed him

- BOY'S GOT PROBLEMS

TILL:

- Was initially part of a music group signed to a music label after anakt garden

- Has a background in acting

- Broke away from the group to create his own music

- He has a decent sized cult following online, though his popularity is nowhere near ivan's

- He still faces mistreatment from other higher-ups in the industry and is looked down on for his choices

- Usually, this is from former friends & managers (HI URAK)

- He admires Mizi (pop singer? maybe?) for her carefree and genuine persona

- i may still change some things about him

ALSO mizi sua ivan and till are friends here and stuff. They see each other outside work and things

ALTERNATIVES:

- Ivan: business/finance, faces pressure to inherit a family business

- Till: still acting/music, but not independent and mistreated by urak

- Other ideas?

BOARDING THE TRAIN

IVAN:

- TILL'S ON THE TRAIN UH OH,, NATURALLY IVAN FOLLOWS

- His number is pretty high. either 500 or like 1000 idk what's considered high i forgot

- His number remains pretty consistent

TILL

- I'm thinking mizi disappeared and this upset him enough the train appeared

- "WHY CAN'T I FIND HER" oh sorry till here you go she's right here

- His number is probably similar to ivan, give or take a few numbers only

- His number constantly goes up and down

OKAY I NEED HELP FOR THIS PART WHAT DO THEY DO WHEN THEY'RE ACTUALLY ON THE TRAIN

HELLO!!!!

(long infinity train au post incoming!)

I 100% agree on the first part!! I've had those thoughts when thinking up my College/Modern AU, the question of "if these characters weren't forced into it, would they still choose to pursue music?" and although my answers for certain characters fluctuated, Till was consistent in the way that the answer was always yes for him. He is a goddamn prodigy, after all, and literally makes music of his own volition (which doesn't seem very common in the garden, at least to the extent and frequency that Till does it). Though he was forced into it as well, Till views music as an outlet rather than a responsibility.

Ivan, I think he'd definitely be under a company or management. Though I feel like if he wasn't forced to sing in this universe, another route for him could be his (very successful) modelling career. It seems to be his main "thing" besides singing, after all, and he rose to fame because of it. I also think the finance/business stuff might translate better into the modelling thing since he deals with commercials and brand deals, ambassador stuff (not to say this can't happen with idols, it'd just be emphasized if he was a model I think. The idol idea is still perfectly fine! It'd also make more sense for Ivan and Till to meet/grow close if they were from the same company, though I was also still fond of the childhood friends idea.... I realize it might be hard to pull that off in a modern au if Unsha and Urak are still rivals).

Ivan boarding because Till boarded first is so Min and Ryan 😭 insert that one meme "I'd follow him to hell and back but I just wish he'd stop going there" (it could be argued that Min was just trying to get his keys back, but. come on. we all know it wasn't just about the keys).

Till boarding because Mizi went missing is so unfortunately plausible 😭 it's literally the love conga line all over again. Mizi boards because of Sua, Till boards because of Mizi and Ivan boards because of Till. Insanity.

Though depending on the reason for their boarding, it could go a lot of different ways. Would they have some kind of meteor scene parallel where Ivan tries to take Till away from the train, Till gives him a sorry look before running in, Ivan pulls that sad smile and then runs in right after him? Would the train appear during a fight? Would they board separately? I feel like boarding together was a rare instance for Min and Ryan (at the time) because their issues were largely centered around each other (and their circumstances of course. but the point is they had to figure themselves out together). So for Ivan and Till to board the train together, they must've had a very prominent issue within their relationship that they need to confront (which is already true, very complicated issues in fact so no worries about that part). Though I'd love to hear your thoughts on how their issues and relationship complexities translate to this more modern au!

500-1000 is an insanely high number 😭 I mean at least it's not as bad as Grace and Simon, but I'm fully convinced that Ivan and Till could come close that point at least once 😭 (or just the ALNSTverse versions of them maybe). Maybe they'd be around (and I apologize for always bringing them up) Min and Ryan's 202. It's relatively high to Jesse's 20-something and Tulip's 30-something (I can't remember atm my bad).

Ohhh wait sorry I'm answering this ask in portions and I just realized you said they had different numbers. Does this mean you had them board the train at separate times?

I love the detail of their numbers going down in different ways! I could definitely see Ivan's staying more consistent and harder to budge because (as VIVINOS says) Ivan is incredibly persistent. Or stubborn. This can be seen in his mindset too, where he's firmly convinced he isn't cared for despite their childhood comics proving that he and Till were basically friends. I feel like Ivan is the type who's number doesn't change very often, but when it does it goes down by a large amount.

Till, on the other hand, with all his severe reactions seems like his number would fluctuate quite a lot. Just like how his collar switches between colors fairly quick. It would definitely go up and down a lot 😭 smaller amounts than Ivan's, I think.

Though I can see the situation reversing (Ivan's number constantly fluctuating as a reflection of his muddled and confusing thoughts, Till's number being more constant because he's more firm in his self identity), I still think the ones mentioned above fit just the slightest bit better.

WHAT DO THEY DO... HMMM... It really depends on the reason they're on the train in the first place. And that reason depends on the severity of their issues in this modern au. Do they board for their own personal reasons that aren't as intertwined with each other? Are their attachment methods still as unhealthy as they were in the ALNSTverse? Or are they slightly more mellowed and better adjusted in a more "normal" society? would Ivan still be unhealthily fascinated and devoted to Till? Would Till still feel conflicted about Ivan? Would they be more focused on their own individual issues and less on each other or vice versa? Naturally both can be the case but one usually wins over a certain amount. There's a lot to think about!

A lot of the train cars force the passenger to deal with their issues in somewhat literal ways (like how min and ryan are usually forced to work together, tulip is forced to sing a song she is emotionally attached to, actually hey wait fuck that's a good one?) Would there be a train car where Till has to recognize Ivan's feelings head on (Finally looking at him)? Would there be a car that would take their deepest inner thoughts and manifest them into physical, tangible beings or objects? Many possibilities! I'd love to hear more of your thoughts and ideas!

( + @chiisana-lion !! I'd also love to hear any thoughts you might have on an ALNST infinity train au !! If you have any !! let's share these brainwaves together !! )

[muchanmocha]

I wanted to ask you about Hyuna!! For that ask game :))

Thanks for the ask anon! Weirdly enough, even though I know what I think/how I feel, I struggled with putting things into words this time.

1. Why I like them

Writing these ask game responses really made me realize how the dichotomies within the characters are what brings out their appeal for me. Ivan with his sunny exterior vs dark interior; Till with his rough and tumble side vs his innocent and sensitive side; Sua with her all-consuming selfishness and her all-consuming love; and now Hyuna.

Hyuna is simultaneously the hottest character around, and the goofiest.

She's cool and charismatic, but also silly as all hell and the intro scenes in All-In encapsulate these contrasting aspects of her so well.

In that intro we had Hyuna with a bruised face and ratty hair and probably a week since she's last showered, right before the sensual shots of her sunbathing in a bikini. We have Hyuna having fun with a hair mustache right before her teasingly tugging a bra strap with Dewey mock-scandalized in the background.

Cool characters aren't usually allowed to look goofy. Hot characters aren't usually allowed to appear in unattractive (conventionally at least) states.

But she is and we love her for it.

Hyuna allows herself to be every aspect of herself unapologetically.

2. Why I don't

If I had to pick one thing, it would be the way she continues to lie to herself.

All of her songs are about how she's strong and will rise up again. How she's over it, she has nothing to lose, and this time she'll be the one winning.

And to some extent it's true. She is strong. She does feel like she has nothing to lose after Hyun Woo was taken away from her.

But in terms of her being unafraid and confronting those who hurt her head on?

That's only applicable to the segyein.

In the face of her deepest trauma, her truest fears, she's still running away, and she has been for years and years.

She drinks and pretends she's okay. She sings and pretends the memory of Luka doesn't still effect her. She keeps shouting that she's invulnerable and maybe if she says it enough it'll be true.

Hyuna doesn't let anyone else see under her tough exterior to acknowledge the hurting wounds inside. But neither does she let herself acknowledge them.

3. Favorite lyrics

'You might say'

'I'm a bone, I'm a sinner, I'm a broken devil'

'A ghost, a shadow destroying this heaven'

'You can make a silver bullet but you can't stop me'

'Cuz I've got nothing to lose!'

I promised myself I won't go long with the lyric choices but how could I not with this set specifically how could I not

4. Favorite frame/screenshot

All-In is full of my favorite frames of Hyuna. But this one look from Sweet Dream haunts me as much as Hyun Woo haunts Hyuna.

5. Favorite outfit

Every time Hyuna is decked out in full rebel gear oooooooooooo I know I'm in for a treat

6. Favorite official art

So at the beginning of my Alnst hyperfixation I had no outlet to cope (no friends who knew it, never wrote theory/analysis posts before or even considered it so this blog wasn't a thing, don't have a favorite character or a favorite ship so even though I wanted to draw something Alnst I had no idea what to draw)

What I ended up doing was print out my favorite comics and official arts to put on the wall behind my computer so that I could have some Alnst during my day.

I was so close to printing this one out

But also

*waves hand at her*

The people who would've seen this on my wall would have had Questions.

7. Favorite canon fact

Definitely how Hyuna and Mizi have a sisterly relationship.

She straight up adopted this kid and acts so outrageously intimate and affectionate with her.

The big sister energy is unreal.

Honestly Hyuna's unabashed affection that takes notice of no boundaries nor personal space might have been just what Mizi needed after what happened to her. (And I think... maybe Hyuna knew that.)

8. Favorite straight-up-not-canon headcanon

This prob isn't what people want to hear but uh

I personally think Hyuna is aromantic (and bisexual).

I just cannot fathom Hyuna being in love with someone. It doesn't compute for me, like it's defying a law of the universe or something.

Hyuna certainly loves people very dearly, but Hyuna in love? Idk, unreal.

9. Favorite song/cover

All-In

Does it even need to asked???? Just laugh, hey kick and break ya! To the galaxy shining bright, ch-cheers!

10. Song I want them to cover

Black Sorrow

Hyuna has such a powerful voice, I feel like it'll sound really good with Black Sorrow

(But also I may be extremely biased for Black Sorrow in general)

[mizinthropy]

the ivanluka nation has spoken

(it's long. also pretty much toxic yuri) (cw for mentions of eating disorders on luca's side)

I'm kinda late for when I wanted to post them actually, but better late than never ig

(god i'm so embarrassed now but there's no back down) at this point i was this close )( to just make them ocs

First of all, the names. For Ivan it was quite simple, Ivanna, obvious option

Then I considered Luna for Luka because I am in love with the moon but after some researching, apparently just Luca is a valid feminine alternative,,? At least it's recognizable enough.

Let's get started, yayy

•☆•

The story follows Ivanna as she gets sick of being the second choice to her (straight) friend and love interest, you guessed it, Till. Well, not only for her, she felt second best for everyone and everything.

Even when she tries her best in school, with her friends, in the theater, with her, it felt as if Ivanna was never enough. As if there was, always, someone better.

So, she's also had enough. Just for once, she wanted to feel loved, even if it was in a stranger's arms. To feel important to someone, even if it was for half an hour. Then, one night where the friend grup went to a night out, it was the perfect chance for Ivanna.

In the first opportunity that an almost-tipsy-Till started rambling and mumbling about Mizi, Ivanna made up an excuse, and left her with Sua. She needed to get Till out of her mind.

The perfect excuse was just there, with a cup in hand, looking bored yet so, so pretty at the same time. Ivanna felt pulled towards her, not in a physical way, more like a magnetism.

And the pretty girl looked at her back.

Ivanna hurried to gulp down her strawberry daikiri, carefully trying to get casual talk with the blonde. She blinked twice, smiled— and Ivanna felt her heart stopping.

There was something about that girl, that had Ivanna mesmerized. Maybe it was the blinding lights that helped her look ethereal. Maybe it was her lashes, a curtain almost trying to hide her hazel eyes. Maybe it was her voice, whispering something into her ear that she was too distracted to understand, but nodded nontheless. Maybe it was her touch on Ivanna's wrist, pulling her somewhere far, agh, so, so cold but soothing and refreshing on her own heated up skin.

Maybe it was her giggles as Ivanna pushed her to a wall, hesitant of what was she doing. Maybe it was her kisses, hesitant too, but far more eager than Ivanna.

The only thing she was sure about, was how the cherry licorice lingered around her tongue, sealing her fate like a siren finally catching up her dinner.

...

Days after, Ivanna doesn't remember much. Well, yes, she remember making out with a blonde girl in a private zone, but also remembers seeing someone spying on them. Probably it was the tricks of the mind, who cares? Most importantly, didn't think that much of Till until monday morning.

Back in theatre class, because I am making this long enough, there's open auditions for the next play (what if it's black swan,,). Guess who was there, expecting the lead role, just as Ivanna. And just now, it's that Ivanna recognized the girl.

Luca, her senior, quite well known for her main roles at the plays, her talent to interpret almost every character flawlessly, soft and enchanting voice, and, of course, her unique looks. All of her seemed unreal. It's no surprise she's kinda popular and loved.

The girl recognized Ivanna too. "Ah, strawberry daikiri." Ivanna felt her ears hot and tried to not stutter.

•☆•

Cue to a small, short-timed rivalry about the starring role, it just was their way of flirting.

TLDR; they start to make out at the girls bathroom, have a situationship and a mutual obsession, a secret towards other's eyes. Luca was still straight for the world. But for Ivanna, she was "Lunita", for Luca, Ivanna's kisses tasted like freedom. When nobody was around, they could love each other, as if they knew how to. It's fine, act it 'till you make it.

• About Ivanna (+ a close up)

Had Tomie Kawakami in mind while drawing her

She will definitely cut her hair shorter when she's older (butch ivanna,,,, dreamy sigh)

Definitely Urak wanted her to play piano

Meanwhile Luca's guardians were homophobic and wanted her to have a boyfriend and get married in the future; Ivanna's dad just. didn't care enough

Deleted concept idea for the title was "Belladonna" referencing Ivanna, mostly because of the colors and symbology; but apparently there's already a novel called like that (AND FOXGLOVE TOO lpm). did you know that in the reinassance they used the plant to dilate the pupils and was a symbol of beauty and

• About Luca (my fav part to ramble about)

oh man where do i get STARTED on luca

Heperu wanted her to be a model, like her mom, but she's still too short for the requirements. so she's in training for being one, while practising the second best choice, to be an actress.

it's not like she truly enjoyed that, not until when Ivanna came along. a small, fun competition to see who would be the best at it, and for the first time in god knows what long, Luca laughed genuinely

long haired luka is special to me ok. hair full of secrets but it's also pretty much *not* what she wants to look like. it just adds to the "doll princess" façade and in a time skip i also want her to cut it at least neck lenght, representing her own freedom.

she inherited from Heperu the heart/circulation diseases, and it's not helpful how the diets she's subdued to, ruin her own self-esteem and mental health

comphet has this bitch on a CHOKEHOLD. dated hyunwoo because of his father's pressure, but the real reason was bc "it's the closest i'll ever be to date hyuna", her childhood crush. needless to say she ditched him the moment she became seriously interested in ivanna

originally she was gonna use glasses, but i'm gonna keep that idea for later in the fic

and about ivanna's last point, i associate her (and luka in general) with the foxglove plant. it's poisonous and can cause hallucinations, confusion, loss of appetite etc, but also can be used to help treat some diseases, such as heart related ones; for example. do you see where i'm going. bonus bc it's also called 'digitalis' referencing fingers and IT'S A LILAC FLOWER——

some other fun facts about them and the au

the reason it's so personal to me is because i'm writing about my own experiences, as a sapphic in highschool who also had an ed. i wanted to make them at least more realistic in that aspect, and why not write about something i already knows how it feels like

they're like nana and hachi but if instead of hachi it's reira if you think about it

about the toxic yuri part. i meant it to be ACTUALLY TOXIC YURI not just "they are mean to each other and kiss", neither "they're abusive/one is abusive". no. they are codependent. they are obsessed with each other. they are sick for AND of eachother. they're jealous for and of eachother. they are bad for eachother, but they also feel... good, while being together. it's addicting, like a magnetism that pulls them together, like they are nothing but something at the same time, like they feel... free, around eachother, they can be their true self knowing how rotten in the inside they are; and the other will embrace it.

instead of a fanfic i wanted to make a webcomic/manga about them, but for now it's better if i just write it and then think about the rest

also i've made a playlist for them. that's how much they've occupied my brain. it's a point of no return

that's,,, almost all i have in mind for them, for now ncnwjmfbge i held back some important details and major spoilers because I Actually Plan on posting this fic on ao3 For Once

and please please PLEASE tell me what you think !!! it's a wip, more just like a concept idea, i'd love feedbacks and your ideas to make this better ¿¿ idkk

also kjjjj last doodle about them + a shaky close up of the first one

i think a trope that fits them is "looks like the moon but it's actually the sun x looks like the sun but it's actually the moon" yk,, goes too for their mlm counterparts goddamn i love ivlk so much

uhhh thank you for hearing me talk nonsense !!! it's not the best au but they mean too much to me i promise

this goes to the pinned post until i publish the fic

does the ivanluka nation care to hear about my hs yuri au or should i just write in ao3 and then talk about it