#iv AND ii are very pretty. pretty boys who could absolutely kick my fucking ass. positively rock my shit

[politemagic]

the boys are back 🖤 (the shitposts never left, though)

[serowotonin]

falling ; bakugou k.

pairing ( bakugou katsuki x fem!reader ) wordcount ( 2.4k ) genre ( fluff & basically pining )

↷ a hc-styled narrative describing the four stages bakugou katsuki goes through as he finds himself falling for you . . .

STAGE I ( impression ) ;

the first time bakugou laid eyes on you was during the entrance exam at UA. 

back then, you were just another face in the crowd of faces he was going to have to beat to earn his spot in UA

the first time bakugou spoke to you wasn’t memorable to him either

like with everyone else, he was loud and rude and made it very clear he wasn’t interested in playing friends

after that you became a part of the class, just another extra, someone who’d just get in the way

that was all he thought you were… 

until you kicked todoroki’s ass one day during training

the teachers had paired everyone in the class and told you to practice your 1-on-1 combat skills using your quirk 

bakugou, who was paired with kirishima went first

you and todoroki were to be the last pair

despite a good effort put up by kirishima, bakugou still ended up winning that round

when it was finally yours and todoroki’s turn, bakugou paid extra attention

in his mind, he knew todoroki was powerful and someone to watch out for

but what happened was quite unexpected

you maneuvered easily through todoroki’s attacks with a combination of physical prowess and creative usage of your quirk

let’s just say his ice didn’t work on you and he was caught off guard, allowing you to snatch a win 

needless to say, most of your classmates were a bit surprised at first

bakugou included

they knew you were strong but they didn’t know you were that skilled

whatever the rest of the class thought didn’t matter to bakugou though

all he knew was that now he had to keep an eye on you

STAGE II ( perspective ) ;

after that event, bakugou did indeed keep his eye on you

it started off with him observing your moves whenever the class had to do any training exercises 

he saw you fight with todoroki a couple more times after that

those didn’t end in easy victory for you as it did before because todoroki was now more wary of you

however, the way you evaded and countered his attacks was something to be praised

in bakugou’s subconscious opinion at least

your moves were carefully thought out and bakugou could see that

he could see the effort and practice you had put into perfecting them

not only that, he could also see the natural talent that you had to be able to become this strong

and it wasn’t only your fighting capabilities

you were also smart

maybe he hadn’t noticed it before but he did now

you seemed to always know the answer when a teacher called on you and your grades were great

slowly, but surely, you gained respect in his eyes 

if he knew one thing about you, it was that you were maybe the tiniest bit better than the other extras 

for a while it stayed like this, him acknowledging you but never making it obvious and you just doing your thing

that was of course until one day in the morning before class started

mina, kirishima, and sero were talking about things as they usually were and somehow the conversation led to you

they were talking about how strong and smart you were and going on about stuff

bakugou must’ve turned his head in their direction or something but mina noticed him listening so asked him cheekily what he thought of you

“y/n? of course they’re strong. anyone could see that.”

he said that pretty loudly and didn’t seem to notice you walking into the classroom

and of course you heard

“did my ears deceive or did the bakugou katsuki just praise me?” you teased

he was pretty embarrassed, blushing and sweating a bit but trying to hide it

soon after though, class started and the ordeal was forgotten

but something about that interaction led to you and bakugou becoming closer

closer in that instead of passing the other off as another strong classmate as you usually would, you’d actually greet each other and talk 

you’d say hello to him in the mornings and goodbye after school and he’d just grunt or nod your way

but this was what it meant to be close to bakugou anyway

during the weeks that passed, bakugou found himself noticing you even more

before he only paid attention to your skills and thought about you as an enemy or rival of sorts

now it seems as if he’s just noticing the little things about you and your personality that make you who you were

he wasn’t doing it on purpose god forbid

no no it was just him being unknowingly observant

weeks turned into months and months turned into years

in a blink of an eye, you were all well in your second year

with everything that happened, you and bakugou became close

close enough for you to tease him at random times and close enough for him to ask you to fight him as training

by then it was safe to say bakugou knew you

he knew the little quirks you had 

he knew your different smiles, your different laughs

he knew your favorite foods and your not so favorite ones

he knew the many different little things that made you you

STAGE III ( contradiction ) ;

before the start of the third year, the class decided to have a little get-together party of sorts

to celebrate the start of their last year in high school and to catch up as everyone’s been busy with internships and whatnot

you spent the break away from tokyo so it’s been a while since you saw the rest of the class

naturally you were excited to be able to meet them all casually again before the intense studying and training that awaited you all 

bakugou, on the other hand, wasn’t too excited

frankly, he could do without seeing the class before school

but when he heard you were going to be there, he also agreed to go

so there you two were with the rest of the class at a cinema buying drinks and popcorn before your movie started

the neon lights and the prospect of popcorn lit up your face and bakugou couldn’t help but stare

there was just something, something he couldn’t quite figure out

it’s not that you were beautiful, it’s not that you looked cute in that outfit, it’s not that your smile was making his heart flutter

no it wasnt any of that true though they may be

you just.. you looked nice

thats why he was staring

yeah he hasn’t seen you in a while and you come back looking *nice* 

of course he would stare

anyone would

apparently you had noticed him staring though, so you sent a wink and a grin his way before turning back to the popcorn and drinks

in other words, you killed him

with ridiculously high levels of cute and nice

kirishima and sero were just watching the whole thing happen and hell was it obvious to them

their boi was falling hard

now they knew he’d never admit it and they knew you weren’t likely to do anything about his “crush” even if it was obvious to you too

so…

while bakugou was busy helping you carry your popcorn, they devised a rather devious plan

operation: jelly burst

objective? none other than to make explody boiy jealous

for what reason? no reason really it’s just fun to mess with him and this is probably the first time he’s had this big a crush

once everyone finished buying popcorn and was walking into the cinema, operation: jelly burst was put into action

“hey y/n ! come sit next to me” — sero

so you did, nothing strange bout that, sero was a good of yours anyway, nothing strange at all

bakugou moved to come sit next to you too but kiri hurried past him and sat down on your other side before he could

“oh hey bakubro didn’t see ya there sorry”

the seat kirishima stole was the last seat on the aisle

and bakugou was forced to go sit somewhere else

alone

poor guy</3

the seat he found was a few rows above yours though and all went according to the jelly burst plan

by the end of the movie, bakugou was in the foulest mood and no one, except for the 2 lads sitting on either side of y/n, knew why

operation: jelly burst didnt end there though

see they got him jelly but they haven’t gotten him to burst

the next week at school, kirishima and sero both acted really nice to you

it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary but they did talk to you just a tad bit more than usual

either way bakugou noticed big time and he did not like it

he did not like it one bit

the jelly was there alright

it was just boiling to unprecedented levels

pretty soon, the boys dumped the idea of operation: jelly burst 

mainly cos it was taking too long 

but also because bakugou had become at least 10x more hostile

except to you of course

for some reason, a reason absolutely no one could figure out(sarcasm intended), he was just

quiet around you

didnt yell but didnt really talk to you either

whenever anyone else, kiri and sero especially, tried to talk to him though, he’d shout louder and be a lot ruder to them 

he’s just agitated

and he knew why he was that way

he’s just in denial about it

he’s also in denial about the reason why

why couldn’t he just accept his feelings and act on it already?

kirishima asked him that one day in the dorms

he saw bakugou staring very intensely straight at you without blinking for a full minute

“look man, don’t even try to tell me you don’t like y/n. it’s obvious and i’m not an idiot. you aren’t either.”

“i know shitty hair. it’s just… i’m me. and she’s y/n. nothing’s ever gonna happen.”

“you don’t know that”

“but i do. cmon, she’s just so fucking perfect even with all her flaws. and i’m just the loud guy with exploding hands and no emotions.”

kiri was surprised honestly

this wouldn’t be the first time bakugou was insecure around him but the way bakugou talked about you and how he implied he wasn’t worthy

damn that hit kirishima 

“bakubro, i’m gonna help you”

STAGE IV ( intimacy ) ;

ever since he told kirishima abt what’s been bothering him about you and ever since kirishima declared he’d help, bakugou became more…

quiet

he was still loud, but he just became a soft kind of loud now(?)

it was like he got calmer and he was assured that things would be okay

of course things were not okay

why? because ever since bakugou fully accepted his feelings for you, he doesnt know how to act around you

the other day you asked him what he wanted to eat for dinner cause you were cooking tonight

his answer:

“you”

“umm..”

“-you can make anything you want. i’ll eat whatever.”

that and a lot of other little awkward incidents started occurring

also maybe it was just the weather but he always seemed red whenever you saw him

it wasn’t the weather though

it was him being shy and nervous and flustered

which made bakusquad extremely weirded out cause seeing him like that is like seeing aizawa cheerfully smiling and wearing bright color clothes

it was weird af and was just not right

anyway, mina’s advice to him was to try to get closer to you

“but we’re already close”

“no i mean closer on a personal level. ask her how her day was or ask her random stuff about her likes and dislikes or her hobbies or literally anything”

“oh… ok then”

and so he tried that

he tried getting closer to you by greeting you every morning and sometimes asking you if you slept well

you found it odd

it certainly was odd, but you didn’t mind

if you ask him why he asks about your sleep he just goes red and says he needs to make sure his opponent for his afternoon sparring session is well-rested and healthy

speaking of the sparring sessions…

he asks you to spar more often than usual and actually makes small talk during your breaks

he was also a lot nicer to you, offering to help carry stuff for you and assisting you in the little things

like getting a mug from the kitchen’s high shelves or picking up the pencil you accidentally dropped

what he did worked though and within a few weeks, the two of you got a lot closer

the next step, as mina put it, was “making sure she knew you weren’t interested in her as a friend”

now that was hard for bakugou to do

“it’s not that hard. you could just tell her.”

bakugou: ..??

“basically confess”

bakugou: wha- *shortcircuits*

CONFESSING

he never thought about that

he actually has

he knew in his mind he’d have to do it eventually if he wanted to have you

but he didn’t think it would be *this soon*

“dont think that much and just tell her you like her”

“you’re making it sound easy”

“because it is!”

he groaned internally

he’s faced tons of villains and been in quite the number of fearful situations but the fear he felt now was completely different 

“look if you’re afraid of rejection just confess like this”

*sero clears throat*

“*y/n i like you and i would like to be something more than friends. i’m not going to pressure you into anything so if yoh don’t want to we can just pretend this never happened>:)”

“...”

bakugou ended up confessing the next day though

just not like that

it was a spur of a moment thing and he wasn’t really aware he said it until you responded

the two of you were sparring as usual and you had just gotten close enough to knock him down and pin him to the ground

in that moment you were just so beautiful and amazing and everything and he just couldn’t keep it in apparently 

“i like you”

“w-what?”

“what?”

“did you just say you liked me?”

“like not liked dumbass”

“:o present tense o:”

well long story short, you like him too and you tell him that and you two just sit there grinning like idiots 

from then on things didn’t change much

you and bakugou still talked, although maybe more than usual

and still sparred with each other, although maybe less seriously and more playfully

some were surprised when it became known you were together

some weren’t 

whatever other people thought though, they couldn’t deny one thing:

bakugou looked at you as if you were the world

STAGE ∞︎ ( fallen ) .

note ; i started writing this soo long ago but then abandoned it cuz thats just me:”] bUT i decided that since its his birthday i might as well finish it up and finally post it u.u,,, also TYSM @animebsposts for helping me with this ily and ur amazing<3

taglist ; ( send ask to be added ! ) @lilikags​

[css1992]

Guilty Pleasure

[Porn AU]

Summary: Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesn’t have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM.

Warnings: 18+, explicit, references to past non-con/rape (not between main pairing, not explicit), daddy kink, Peter in lingerie, references to gaslighting and abusive relationship (not between main pairing, not explicit). The warnings are for the story as whole, not for this chapter specifically. I’ll add more in the future, if needed.

Read on AO3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V / Part VI / Part VII / Part VIII / Part IX / Part X /  Part XI / Epilogue

-x-

“He can’t do this!” Ned slammed his hands down on the counter between them, as Peter took a swig of the cheap wine he bought with the last ten bucks he had in his wallet. “He isn’t even in all of the videos, at least half of the money is rightfully yours!” He kept going, stating the obvious, but Peter just sighed and shrugged.

“I’m not disagreeing with you, Ned, I’m just relaying what he told me: he’s not gonna give me anything. It’s his channel, his equipment, the money from the subscriptions goes straight to his bank account, so it’s his. It’s all his. His words, by the way.” He took another swig of wine straight from the bottle. He had been drinking from a small glass Ned offered him – he wasn’t a pirate – but it soon proved to be too small to quench his pain, so. Yeah. Pirate style it was.

“You have to sue his ass, Peter, he can’t get away with this,” MJ intervened. She was sitting next to him on a stool by the kitchen counter, so he turned to look at her with a deep frown on his face.

“Did you not hear me saying I just spent my last ten dollars on this bottle of wine? I have, like, twenty four cents left in my pocket. And that’s it. I can’t hire a lawyer, I can’t even feed myself right now!” He raised his voice a little, but quickly got himself back under control and apologized. His friends were not to blame for his predicament – they did try to warn him Beck was bad news, he didn’t want to listen. “And you know what? I don’t give a fuck. He can choke on all of it if he wants, the videos, the money, the subscribers, I don’t fucking care.” It wasn’t true, of course. Well, partially. He really didn’t care about the money, videos, subscribers, etc, but he cared about Beck. He would have given everything else up if it meant he could keep him.

Which was stupid of him, of course. But he certainly wasn’t winning any awards for being a great decision maker.

“It’s still not fair. I mean, I knew that guy was sleazy, but you’d think he’d have the decency to at least give you something, you know? You’ve been together for three years, he’s been making money off your ass for almost as long. How could he just fucking kick you out and not give you a single dime? After all the money you’ve made for him? It’s fucking sick, that guy is fucking psychopath if you ask me.” MJ’s face was turning red from anger, which made Peter smile a little. It felt good to know he was loved by someone, even if he hadn’t been the best friend to them for the past few years.

The thought made him close his eyes for a second, guilt creeping over him. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d called either of them – maybe on Ned’s birthday, almost two months earlier. They used to be inseparable, the three of them; the three musketeers, as corny and lame as it sounded. For years, those two were the only family he knew, but when Beck came into his life, everything changed.

Stupid fucking Beck.

Peter used to think of him as his own personal super-hero – it did feel like he had come to save him, after all. They met when he was seventeen, he had been living in foster homes for almost seven years by then, after Ben and May passed away. At the time, he was with his fifth family, and there were so many children in that house, so many of them came and went, that their foster parents didn’t really keep tabs most of the time. It was easy to sneak out, and Peter did, often.

He met Beck on one of his night walks – and their first meeting should have raised all kinds of red flags, but for whatever reason, it didn’t. Beck slowed the car next to him, rolled down the window and asked how much Peter charged for a blowjob. Just like that. The teen gasped at first, but when he looked around for a moment, he realized he wasn’t in the most family friendly neighborhood. There were, in fact, some men and women around him who definitely looked like they were there for that, but Peter was in sweats, for crying out loud, and he definitely looked his age – or even younger than that.

His wide eyes must have given him away, because the older man quickly apologized and showed him a charming, white smile. He made up some excuse about mistaking him for someone else and the boy said it was ok. He was going to keep walking when Beck asked what his name was. Then how old he was. Then where he was going, where he ha come from.

Looking back, Peter knew he should have run. He should have left, because there was no excuse for an adult man like him to keep asking a teenager so many questions right after he basically offered him money to suck his dick. But that Peter, that 17-year-old boy, was still a bit too naive. To have such a handsome man showing interest in him – his kind, blue eyes smiling at him, warm and safe – was inebriating. He actually looked at him. And cared. At least Peter thought he did at the time. And he was so lonely back then, even that little bit of attention meant the world to him.

He should have run, but he stayed. Should have run, but got in his car. Should have run, but ended up giving him a clumsy hand job in the backseat, after just a few sweet promises whispered in his eager ears. Beck was so good with words, he could have convinced Peter to jump off a bridge that very same night if he wanted.  

They exchanged phone numbers. For weeks, they texted and called each other, until they could  meet again. By then, he was smitten. At twenty, he could see how innocent he had been, how trusting and open he was with a complete stranger. A 32 year-old stranger, at that. Ned and MJ, his only friends from school, warned him that it wasn’t okay. That it was weird for a man his age to be interested in a teenage boy, but Peter said they were wrong. He said he wasn’t just a regular kid, he had been through stuff they could only imagine. He was mature and experienced, and Beck could see that, which was why he liked him.

Looking back now, it was embarrassing how wrong he was. Beck was an illusionist. Sad thing was everyone could see the trapdoor but him.

“So what are you gonna do now?” MJ asked, fishing another bottle of wine from under the counter and placing it in front of Peter, who almost cried in gratitude.

“You mean besides crying myself to sleep for the next few months?” He wasn’t really joking. The only reason he wasn’t crying right at that moment was because he had spent almost three hours bawling his eyes out on a park bench close to their – well, Beck’s – apartment, hoping against hope that Beck would reconsider and come after him. When it became clear it wasn’t going to happen, he headed to the only place he knew he could find refuge – even if he didn’t deserve it.

“Yeah, besides that, obviously.” She opened the wine bottle and before he could take it and drink straight from it, she poured three glasses and Peter sighed, defeated.

“I have no idea.” He answered, only slightly surprised that he actually meant it. He had absolutely no clue what to do. For three years, he hadn’t had to worry about money – or anything, really. Beck took care of everything and he just assumed it would always be like that. That he would always have him by his side to take care of him.

He rubbed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

“Are you going to keep doing porn?” Ned asked, a worried expression on his face. Peter remembered he hated the idea when Beck first suggested it, as soon as he turned eighteen.

People are gonna lose it, Beck said. A pretty little twink and a hot daddy? We’re going to be a hit.

And they were. Their first videos blew up quickly, people were either disgusted by the thought of them together – because of the age gap – or completely enthralled. The haters helped them get more views, and Peter soon learned that there really was no such thing as bad publicity. Beck promoted their videos on twitter, where they accumulated thousands of followers. Peter remembered that, back then, many people sent him worried messages, saying he was too young, that Beck was a predator, that he was taking advantage of him.

In retrospect, they might have been right, after all.

He wasn’t too sure about doing porn when they first started, he knew once they released the first video, there was no going back, there was no way they could ever take it down – the internet was forever. Nothing was ever truly deleted. He wanted to be a dad someday, what if his children ever saw those videos in the future? What would have Ben and May thought? What about his parents?

None of this matters, honey, Beck assured him. These kids don’t even exist yet, don’t worry about them. And your relatives, well… They’re gone, sweetie. You can’t really disappoint them anymore.

So Peter did it. And he was terrified at first, he felt so exposed, people all over the world could see him in his most vulnerable moments, all of him, in every position Beck managed to put him in, in any outfit he thought the public might like, in any setting he thought might bring in more viewers, more subscribers, more money.

Soon, just the two of them weren’t enough. Their viewers wanted to see Peter with other people – other daddies –  and Beck saw another opportunity to increase his profit. Peter was strongly against the idea at first, it felt too much like prostitution, which was where he wanted to draw the line, but, again, Beck sweet-talked him into it.

It’s nothing like prostitution, honey, he said. I’ll be there the whole time, I’ll be the one filming and directing, I’ll be the one paying the other actors, all the profits are ours. How is that anything like prostitution? It’s just like what we’ve been doing so far.

So not only there were a bunch of videos of him and Beck out there in the world, there were also lots of videos of him with other men, some of whom were old enough to be his actual dad. There was even one video in particular that he was specially embarrassed by – and sadly enough, that was the most viewed one so far. It was fucking humiliating.

At some point, Peter should have realized it became all about money for Beck – and maybe it had been like that all along, he just hadn’t noticed before. Over the last few months of their relationship, they never had sex just for fun, just for the hell of it. There were always cameras, and lights, and roles to play. Beck never said he loved him anymore. Barely touched him. Barely kissed him. He should have seen it coming. He had been too blind, or just… Didn’t want to see what was happening right before his eyes. He ignored all the signs. The voice in the back of his head telling him something was off.

But anyway, porn. Could he still do it?

“I don’t know,” he answered, finally. He looked at his best friends and sighed with a shrug. “To be honest, it was never something I enjoyed, and I don’t know if I could ever do it without him somehow involved, you know? I did it with him because I felt… Safe? I don’t want to get involved in the actual porn industry, I’ve heard some pretty fucked up stories.” Peter had heard horror stories about other boys in the industry, and even though his own story was no fairy tale, there was nothing so bad that it couldn’t get worse.

“How about Just4Fans?” MJ asked and both Peter and Ned turned to look at her in shock. “What? You guys were pretty popular, right? You won awards and shit, so there must be at least a few hundred people out there who would pay money to see some dirty pictures of you, maybe some short videos. That way you won’t need to go into professional porn and you wouldn’t need a partner, but you could still make decent money. And fast.”

Well, it actually made sense. It wasn’t like there weren’t hundreds of videos of him being fucked raw all over the internet, anyway. A few dirty pictures couldn’t hurt. And besides, it didn’t need to be forever, just until he figured something out.

“That’s… actually not a bad idea,” he conceded, drinking the last of the wine in his glass. MJ sympathetically filled it up again and he mumbled his thanks.

“What do you think he will do now?” Ned asked carefully, and Peter shrugged for what felt like the hundredth time. There was so much he didn’t know.

“Probably keep shooting videos with his new boy-toy.” He managed to say it with a steady voice, but his eyes burned. He still couldn’t believe how… replaceable Beck thought he was.

When he noticed them interacting online a few months earlier, before the boy was even eighteen, Peter was alarmed, but when he confronted the older man about it, he said he was crazy and seeing things, picking up fights for no reason. He always twisted things in a way that, somehow, Peter was the one apologizing to him in the end.

Months later, just weeks after the kid turned eighteen, there he was – homeless, penniless and lost – meanwhile the other guy was probably getting comfortable in his bed. If Peter didn’t hate the kid, he would pity him. In a few years, he would probably meet the same fate.

“Do you think he would take the videos down if you asked?” Ned asked, and Peter scoffed.

“Yeah, right, those videos will still make him a lot of money monthly, he’d never delete them.” And Peter would have to live with the fact that he would always be just one google search away from complete humiliation and exposure. If he ever tried to get a serious job, those videos would stand in the way. If he ever managed to meet somebody decent and good, those videos would be a testament to what sort of person he was in the past. Fuck, some of them were really fucked up.

“So… Should we create fake twitter accounts to trash talk his short dick or what?” MJ was already grabbing her phone and Peter laughed halfheartedly, shaking his head.

“He’s not worth it. Karma will take care of him, I’m sure.” He drank the last of his wine and whimpered sadly. “So… Can I crash with you guys for a few days? I promise I’m not gonna overstay my welcome! I’ll be out of your hair as soon as the Just4Fans thing works out.”

“Of course you can, nerd, stay as long as you need. We’ve got your back, c’mon.” MJ got up from her stool and gestured for him to do the same. “Do you mind taking the couch?” She asked as she headed to her bedroom in the tiny apartment.

“Not at all,” he answered with a sigh of relief, then went to grab his suitcase by the door. Three years together and that was all he had to show for it. A single suitcase with a few changes of clothes, after being kicked out of the house on a cold February night. His eyes burned but he took a deep breath, blinking them rapidly to avoid the tears.  

“Then make yourself at home. Our casa es su casa.” MJ placed a pillow on the couch and handed him a thick, warm blanket.

“We’ll figure something out, okay?” Ned clasped him on the shoulder with a gentle smile on his face.

“Okay.” He sighed, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his crushed chest.

He waited for his friends to go into their respective rooms, waited to hear their quiet snores, before he allowed the tears to run freely down his face, replaying everything Beck said to him when he kicked him out.

Before he knew it, he was a sobbing a little, so he buried his face in the pillow to muffle the noise, as he tried to convince himself that things were going to be okay, that he was going to be okay. But at that moment, that was hard to believe.

[summoner-kentauris]

What does your interpretation of Zacharias think about Líf and Thrasir? (You can either just answer or write a lil story if you feel like it)

OOOO now i have thought in my free time a fair amount about what líf thinks of zasha but, and i cannot believe this, i have not thought about what zacharias thinks about líf and thrasir. full disclosure, book III happened to be going on when i formally stopped playing feh. i kept up with the story after that but, theres my obligatory knowledge base disclaimer.

also minor cws through this whole thing because i talk here and there about zacharias and his... mm, canonical relationship to death/selfharm

-

so, i spent a lot of time thinking about this one, and i keep coming back to my gut reaction, which is that i don't think zacharias would like them very much. i dont know why i think that, though.

PART ONE

i think a lot of it would depend on how they approach him, which is maybe why i've spent more time thinking about the reverse of this ask, come to think of it. see, i think zacharias could go any which way in terms of what he thinks of them. i think he could hate them, as two people who killed versions of everyone he ever loved, including metaphorically killing off the two people closest to him.

i think he could love him, having seen the hell (ha ha literally) that they went through. understanding what that feels like. given the way he talks about his suicide attempts, and honestly that he spent most of book I trying to get people to kill him, really his whole relationship to death. i mean the man talks a lot about death and killing. he might not be the feh OC who best understands how manipulative and... whats a good word. alluring? what im trying to say is that besides eir, he might be the one most likely to understand why Hel and hel's offer appealed to líf and thrasir. i feel like this bit has a place here: "With his dying breath...he begged for his life. He called out your names! "I'll do anything you ask! Just let me live!" excepting of course that i still am not sure if i think he said/thought that or not. ive never been sure who really is in control of speaking right then and there. Anyway. Probably he could come to understand Líf and Thrasir's stance, enough that he could care about them the same ways he cares about his versions of Alfonse ann Veronica

on the other hand, i can see him being fully horrified by the choices those two made in response. this bit: Not anyone... This dark god...seeks death. And it cries for the destruction of Askr. Like. Líf and Thrasir are intentionally enacting the same thing as the dark god's desires, in order to correct a mistake they made that, uh, also enacted the same thing as dark god's desires. talk about awkward. and i think Zasha, who has lived with this nightmare in his head for so long, might recoil from people who are so directly aligned with it. who wants to be around someone who has become, who has chosen to become, everything you ever feared you'd be? especially when you're nearly drowning from the effort of fighting to stop yourself.

i could also see him meeting them and it being incredibly, incredibly bad for him. i feel like, he puts a whole lot of... mm. what am i trying to say.here:

Yet it is you that says this, dear friend, and so I must consider it. I see the faith reflected in your eyes. Perhaps it is possible...

SPEAKING OF BUNNY ZACHARIAS I ALSO THINK YOU COULD TAKE THE FOLLOWING:

You never change. All you see is a lofty goal, even if you lack the means to achieve it... The idea that gods would fall by the hand of man is a fantasy... and a preposterous one. This is a goal that even our ancestors Líf and Thrasir could not achieve.

setting aside the obligatory wtf zash i know you know your lore (fuck, maybe there is no killing the gods, maybe all Fire Emblem victories are temporary at best and Zenith is the only one who knows it. but i think, probably not), i think you could spin a very believable scenario where zacharias takes one look at these two ambitious, arrogant posers and absolutely refuses to speak to them any further.

so, part one, i think that zacharias could think any number of things about líf and thrasir. which i suppose means that i think he's fairly neutral on the subject of líf and thrasir. makes sense to me, i suppose. i feel like zacharias | bruno has practice (regardless of whether he's any good at it or not, or whether its any good for him) at holding and maintaining separate personas, so I don't think the fact that líf and thrasir were alfonse and veronica would necessarily be all that important to him.

which brings me to part ii

what happened to dead zenith zacharias

if zacharias is neutral on the subject, I think a lot of their relationship is going to pushed in one direction or another by líf and thrasir themselves.

and, complicating matters (when do I make things simple?), i think their approach to zacharias would of course depend on what happened to their zacharias. correct me if im wrong, but i dont think we have even a hint what happened to him.

there are three ish options I'm seeing. one: as dead world zenith is further along in its timeline and as zacharias claims he's almost out of time with his curse, other zacharias died due to that before the war with hel. i feel like scenario one is the most likely to lead to a good relationship between main zacharias and líf and thrasir.

two: mr. professional "knows plot relevant things out of knowhere" was the one who found out about angrboða's heart in the first place. especially given "As destruction took hold, we joined with Embla to seek the forbidden heart...", which to me sounds a lot like, "hel was kicking our ass then zacharias showed up and said we should go get this mystical plot object from embla". thrasir even says she and líf weren't allies before the world went to shit. anyway. hear me out here:

Yes. The heart is sealed within an Emblian blood temple. If that seal is broken, someone will die each time the heart beats... Those who perform the rite are the first to die.

Now. Líf claims he was the one who broke it open, but he also was present for the war that followed and only after was he killed and inducted into hel's army. so. both of those things can't be true. i propose that the magic mcguffin located in a sealed emblian blood temple was unlocked by our dear zacharias and thats what killed him in other zenith. i think its possible that other veronica was the one who did it, but you know. its all imagination at this point. also, and i forgot this, but thrasir does go off about how she can't lose until she saves her brother, so. something especially tragic happened at least. and oh boy is scenario two a nice fresh tasty tragedy. so that's scenario two. other zacharias directly died as a result of attempts to fight hel

number three thing that could have happened to zach is boring. he's always off doing things, he could have just died off screen. i mean. everyone did, eventually.

frankly he could still be alive for all i know. the heart appears to take the lives of people in the world, not of the world, or else the summoner would have been fine. so, if zacharias was on one of his off world jaunts, he could conceivably be a-okay. well. as okay as someone who's whole world died. i don't think that's what happened, because thrasir is pretty clear about feeling that she failed him, but yknow.

líf and thrasir's reactions to the above

thrasir is i think the most straightforward. i can't really see her approaching main zacharias with anything but positive intent. even if she's only a little bit open, i think thrasir and zacharias will probably have a decently tolerable relationship. if zacharias can come back to a country that exiled him as a kid and let his mother die in a dungeon and then go on to not just befriend but protect and care for a half sister he didnt know before then, then i think he'll find a way to care about thrasir. you know, intsys could have had fun making another perpetual older brother character. as i understand it, xander gets brother'd a lot, he and zach could have talked. could have been fun. a whole, zacharias, a historically traumatized child: *arrives in a world* every currently traumatized kid in a five mile radius: oh shit this one's ours now. you know what im saying? found family except zacharias would very much like it to stop finding him. he's got important brooding to do. but anway, they didn't go that route and its a tragedy.

líf is... more complicated. i think scenario one creates the most positive outlook. i can see him still having guilt over zacharias' loss, but i think any of it would be overshadowed by everything else that happened. in this scenario, líf finally gets back a piece of the world he'd lost. yeah, it's not his zacharias, but still. it is a zacharias, who is living and breathing and frowning and asking why you are staring at me, knight. i think the two of them could get along rather well, although i see them having significant issues with pessimism. inch-restingly enough... the dark curse bades its hosts to kill askrans. and líf is, well. dead. so... perhaps... perhaps líf wouldn't trigger the curse like alfonse does. in that case, not only does líf get someone back he thought he'd never see again, but so does zacharias.

scenario two is just a nightmare. frankly, i initially thought this scenario would lead to líf just ignoring zacharias (out of guilt, pain, etc), but i was rereading the scripts looking for the spelling of angrboða and this came up:

Tell Hel. She'll erase those memories. She'll erase them all...

so, honestly? i think that in scenario two líf just straight up gets hel to remove his memories of zacharias (as an aside maybe this is also why he never ever ever talks about other anna >:{ )

in that case, líf wouldn't really have any reason to talk to this man, who causes this empty deeply sad feeling to well up in him for now discernible reason. and zacharias has no reason (or time) to talk to this standoffish general of the dead. so. that's a real ships in the night moment.

number three i think líf would still hold the same guilt as in number two, but i don't think it would be as horrifically tragic, so i think it's more likely he'd be willing to approach zacharias. he does appear to have even worse of a thing than alfonse about not opening oneself up to people, but i think that even if he's líf, he once was an alfonse, and being that this is me answering this, i don't think any alfonse can really keep away from a zacharias for very long. its a version of the person who once knew him as well as any other person in the world. like líf can't really seem to stop himself from associating with main sharena, i don't think he could stop himself from reaching out in his own way to main zacharias. and god does that man need some more friends. i think zacharias would probably be a little frightened of líf, and of what an alfonse could become. but i think probably... i feel like a lot of book i issues stem from the fact that, justified or not, zacharias thinks alfonse would risk anything, any harm to save him. i don't know that confronting an alfonse who literally risked everything and did all harm to save his world would be a comfort, but i do think zacharias would get a lot out of having someone who's already done the worst they can do. been there, done that, got the tshirt. i think zacharias would be a little afraid of what an alfonse could become, but i think he would no longer have to be afraid of... no, anxious about it. i think there's a kind of calm in having something confirmed that zacharias could appreciate. healthy? unhealthy? fuck if i know. i also think that in líf, zacharias has a friend who he can't physically hurt anymore. lífs already dead. been there done there got the.... glowing gel torso. i think, curse nonewithstanding, zacharias will always have some degree of tension and fear about hurting people he's in a relationship with, be that because of his issues with abandonment, of abandoning, of harm, etc. but you know. líf's kind of a rock. and he's already hit his rock bottom, now that i'm thinking about rocks. i think that kind of steady, placid deathness could really help zacharias. and i think he would find it soothing, whether or not he knew why.

plus he will be able to know that if the curse gets him, if he dies... he'll still have a friend in the realm of the dead. he doesnt have to be so afraid of leaving and getting left

so there we go! lots of musings. i have been thinkin about why my headcanons are less that and more elaborate branching theories, and i think it is because i would change my opinion depending on which story i wanted to tell or hear or see.so yeah. dunno which one of these answers belongs to the question, what does your interpretation of Zacharias think about Líf and Thrasir?, but hopefully at least one of them is interesting to read about!

OH also. i think he would be petty-ly annoyed about them cribing líf and thrasir's name. like full on scholar petty. probably showed up to the order in a nerdy huff excited to meet the actual factual líf and thrasir and turns out its just those two, sitting around glowing and reciting death metal lyrics like they're spoken word ballads. dont think he'd get over that ever.

[e-namor-a]

Masked Pt. VIII

Ok so this fic keeps fucking growing. I swear to God, it’s ridiculous lmao. This entire thing was originally something like 10k but I split it up into two sections cuz I thought it was too long? This wraps up this arc and then we get to the part I wrote 10 fucking months ago and by far my favorite part of this entire thing.  Anyway... Here we go folks CW: death, murder, self harm, (that’s all i think) pt. i/ pt. ii/ pt. iii/ pt. iv/ pt. v/ pt. vi/ pt. vii

You were so fucking overwhelmed. You couldn’t figure out what you were feeling.  You knew you were livid, absolutely furious. You could taste it in the pit of your belly. It had been a year and finally, you had seen him. And it had been a fucking disaster.  Now, all you wanted to do now was hit something, or get blackout drunk again. 

And that’s how you found yourself sitting in Daniel’s waiting room. You were freezing your ass off, goddamn air conditioning and goddamn cocktail dress, but you knew if you had headed to your apartment you would’ve changed and gone to your favorite bar, gotten drunk off your ass and ended up in someone's bed. You had promised Tony you would try harder, and you were going to do your best to keep your promise. So there you were, sitting in his waiting room, peeling the label off the water bottle you had gotten from the mini-fridge next to you. You were starting to zone out, drifting in and out of memories that had started to play in your mind since your encounter with James. You were so in your head, you kicked instinctively, barely missing, when Daniel had crouched down in front of and placed his hand on yours. “Holy shit.” Daniel breathily laughed, flat on his ass, his glasses askew, green eyes wide. “Jesus Christ. It’s instinct. Fuck. I’m sorry Daniel,” you mumbled, having snapped up in your seat and pressed your fingers to your mouth in horror of what you had done. “Y/N, hon, it wasn’t your fault. I spooked you. Considering your training, I think that it’s an understandable reaction. Let’s go into my office and talk, yeah?” Daniel had stood up and extended his hand out to you. You stared at his outstretched hand, wanting to grab it but unable to do so. So instead you clasped your hands around the water bottle and stood up, walking forward into Daniel’s office. You tried to avoid touching people when sober. It made you feel antsy. 

You walked into the blue office, and sat in your favorite red velvet chair, facing the door, back to wall, the perfect vantage point and tucked your legs under you smoothing your short dress down over your thighs. You started picking at the hem automatically, thigh twitching. You knew the smart thing was to come talk to Daniel, but fuck if you didn’t just want to run out instead. Staying meant talking about James, something that you had resolutely avoided for months. Daniel had no clue James existed. You had made sure to never even insinuate that you had once been in a relationship. “So, Y/N, as happy as I am to see you, what brings you here? I gather something bad to bring you in on a day you’re not scheduled.” Daniel had seated himself across from you, his back against a big window overlooking the city skyline. “So what happened? Did your nightmares get worse? Are you sleeping less?” You had started to fidget more intensely. You knew you would have to open your mouth to speak but you didn’t know if you were ready. You had shared your past: your mother, your sister, your father and your upbringing, your friendship with Tony. It had taken time, a lot of prodding and some horrible nights but you had managed to spill as much as you could. You trusted Daniel as much as you possibly could, everything considering. 

There were only a few things you had kept entirely hidden, your relationship with James, your missions and the death of your father. You had never shared that last one with anyone. As far as you knew, only you, your handler and about 5 other agents knew the truth of what had happened. It was a secret you guarded even closer than the death of your family. It was the final nail in the coffin of who you were. For the most part, you refused to even acknowledge what happened. 

But now you had to tell Daniel those secrets. They had to come out because you promised Tony and you wanted something more and you had run into James and you were spiraling quickly. You sighed deeply, letting the breath out steadily before you began, “I had a therapist before you. I saw her for a while. I started after I took on a deep undercover off-the-books mission. I thought I was ready, that it would be some sort of closure for me, you know?” You took another deep breath, letting it out steadily, steeling yourself, “But it wasn’t. It was the hardest mission I had ever been on and it took a lot out of me. I came back a shell of myself. I was just going through the motions”, you swallowed hard. Memories you hadn’t shared with Daniel, were bubbling under your lips, desperate to escape. 

You shifted, trying to alleviate some anxiousness, your legs were tucked next to you, arm crossed over your chest. “My… my partner… well, he didn’t really notice what was going on with me. He had his own issues and his work was really taxing, and he had horrible mental scars and I was hiding what was going on too well. He just… didn’t notice. We kind of ended up out of sync, and it really affected our… relationship. So I ended up in therapy.” You scratched the back of your neck, hiding as much of your face as you could from Daniel. You felt overexposed and you hated it. “Can I ask what the mission was? Are you allowed to tell me?” Daniel looked at you, eyes unreadable. “It’s ok if you can’t. Remember you set the boundaries here, Y/N. You’re in charge. You shook your head, you had to tell him but you couldn’t get the words out. They wouldn’t come out. Daniel smiled gently and opened his mouth to continue but you blurted out the answer, vomiting the words, “I was sent to kill my father’s second in command. But the intel I was given was dated. He knew who I was. He knew my story. He knew I was coming and rather than face me or the people who had sent me, he decided death was preferable. I found his body. But before that, I found the bodies of his two children, a small boy, and his teenage daughter. The girl looked like my sister and I was instantly shoved into my past. Into what I did. “

“Thank you for answering. Was there something else?”, Daniel asked softly. You shook your head emphatically, biting your lip so hard you thought you’d draw blood. “Ok, that’s fine. So, you were in a relationship? Was it a long one?”, Daniel asked kindly. “Several years. I thought it would be for the rest of my life.” “What happened?”

You squirmed internally as you tried to figure out what to do. Logically, you should tell him. Daniel should know. But the last time you had trusted this way, you had been betrayed twice. Tony was counting on you, you were counting on you. You wanted more and it was time to put up or shut up. 

“He cheated on me”, you blurted out. You cringed. It still hurt like a fresh wound. You shook your head, tugging harshly on a strand of hair before continuing, “From what I’ve pieced together, it started soon after I started going to see her. I had had to leave for several months on a mission and I think that that’s when they started getting closer to each other. I kept leaving for work and that coupled with therapy and the stress of both, it was too much. I pushed him to her and he cheated.”

You had ripped the seam in your dress and were picking at the loose thread. “Her name was Mariah. She was a pretty bubbly blonde. Always wore these ridiculous heels. Rain, shine, snow, always wearing these giant heels. I’ve managed to make myself almost forget what she looks like but I’ll never forget those fucking heels. I can still hear them clicking down my fucking hallway. We used to bond over how put together she was, nails done, hair nice, full face of makeup and designer clothes. We’d laugh because I was so tired all the time and my put together was a little chapstick, maybe some mascara if I could handle it.” You let out a dry chuckle, “Christ.” The loose thread had gotten longer, you were quickly unraveling the entire hem. You couldn’t find it in you to care. It was a beautiful dress, worth a lot of money but you just didn’t care. You felt the need to destroy something. “I left the city the night I caught him balls deep in her. Ran for a while until I called Tony and ended up back here. I didn’t want to stay, I still don’t. But Tony made me promise him I would stay, and here I am. Tony’s all I got,” you said tiredly. “I went to go check on her one time. I was pretty drunk, it was the only way that I could face her after everything. I’m still pretty deadly even then. I was trained very well. I went to her office but she wasn’t there. Asked around and found out she had left abruptly a month or two after I did. Just disappeared, no trace.” You let an empty smile grow on your face, “I think Natasha had something to do with it. I can’t be sure but I sent her a big bottle of vodka and a thank you card anyway. I’m just upset I didn’t get to her first. I guess it’s good I didn’t.” You glanced up to see Daniel’s eyes widen briefly as he listened to you talk. You were struck by an absurd desire to giggle because despite him being a psychiatrist for intelligence operatives from a myriad of agencies including S.H.I.E.L.D., police and even soldiers, you still managed to shock him. Even if it was just a little. 

“Well, what a bitch. I’m also glad you didn’t get to her first,” Daniel let out a small grin, pushing up his glasses, thoroughly surprising you, “I can imagine it would’ve been messy. Thank you for sharing. I sincerely appreciate it. I have to ask, why are you telling me this Y/N? I appreciate your forthcomingness but what brought it on?” You had a small pile of pulled apart thread on your exposed leg from the dress you were methodically destroying. You couldn’t help it. You didn’t care. You were just so full and empty and just so so fucking tired. “I went on a mission before I started seeing Mariah. It had been set in motion when I turned 15 and the final pieces just happened to fall into place about two years into my relationship. I was given 12 hours heads up and flown out that same night. I knew the mission was coming, I had been instrumental in its planning and a large part of my undercover work was tied to it. I thought I was ready. But I wasn’t.” You had started to cry, unable to stop it as you were sucked into the memory. Your vision had fish-bowled, you could hear the blood pound in your ears, the room suddenly feeling freezing cold. “I made a promise to my mother and my sister when I buried them that I would finish what they started. That I would avenge them and see my fathers empire in ruins. I would destroy it brick by brick. I had nursed that promise deep down where no one would see it and I thought that I was ready to end it that night I got shipped out. I thought I would be able to do it, quick, clean and efficient just like I was taught. But I couldn’t do it.” You knit your fingers into your hair and tugged, trying to anchor yourself. To not let yourself go too far into your memory. 

“I knew it the second I stepped into my mothers old garden. The plants she took such loving care were all dead. Her fountain had been trashed. The hand painted stone pathway had been trampled on and broken. It had all been destroyed. He had let it all be destroyed. I couldn’t do it,”you shook your head harshly, “I just couldn’t let him get away with it.”

“I found him in the dining room. It was like stepping back in time. He appeared older, white peppered through his hair, wrinkles crinkling his skin, but despite that everything looked the same. Our photographs were still hanging up. The wooden table still gleamed from its fresh polish. The smell of gardenias from the vase in the center of the table still hung in the humid air. Nothing had changed.” You could see it playing out in front you, Daniel had all but disappeared into the corner of your mind. “He heard me before I had made my way to him. He told me he’d been waiting for me and asked me if I liked how my mothers garden looked, he had done it just for me. I held the blade of my knife to the base of his throat pushed and told him to stand up. He just laughed and did what I told him to. I took him outside to the garden. He had to pay. He talked the whole way there, telling me about how the family business was, and what he had been up to, he was so fucking relaxed.” You had started tugging harder at your hair as tears streamed down your face.  You needed something to distract you from what you were telling Daniel. You could hear him calling you, trying to get you out of your head but it had to come out. It had to be heard. It had to come out. “I took him to the garden and I just snapped. I made sure he couldn’t walk away and then I made sure he was hurting. I did everything I had been trained to do but I couldn’t get him to stop smiling at me. I needed him to stop so I shot him. I sat down in front of him and watched as he started bleeding out. I sat there watching as he started laughing. There was blood coming out of his mouth as he told me that I had finally fulfilled my destiny. I started to shake my head to deny it but he coughed up some blood and asked me how I could doubt myself. Just look at where I had ended up. Besides, it was fitting, having it all end where it had started, in the garden. Then he looked me dead in the eye and smiled. He told me how proud of me he was. He told me he loved me and that he proud he was that I was finally who he had created me to be, and then he died. Those were his last words.” You nibbled on your lip as you wiped your eyes, exhaling hard through your nose. “I sat there watching him until finally I walked back to the house and set it on fire like I had been instructed to. I watched it burn down, all the pictures, the clothes, the books, the memories. I watched them turn to ash sitting next to my father's corpse. I left the body there for pick up and came back stateside,” you let out a hitching sigh, remembering how you had wanted to run in and grab a picture of the three of you. Something to remember how it used to be. You hadn’t been allowed to, you knew better than to disobey orders. Failure was unacceptable.

“I started seeing Mariah a while after that. All the missions I kept going on, they were me cleaning up loose ends. I made a promise. I would see it through to the end.” You looked up and stared at Daniel in the eye for the first time ever. He knew your entire story now. No more secrets and you felt hollow at the realization. You had been clinging to your secrets for years and now there was nothing left. “Christ Y/N.”, Daniel blinked at you, his eyes wide, “That’s a lot. Before I start, how are you feeling? You made a lot of progress today by letting out your secrets and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Can I get you anything?” You shook your head, smiling brittlely, “I don’t know how I feel. Drained I guess.” A little dizzy, sleepy enough to sleep forever, and about to pass out were way more accurate, but you wouldn’t let Daniel know. You were unbreakable, anything less was unacceptable. “That doesn’t surprise me, to be frank. Please just let me know if you change your mind, or if you need a break ok? I have a lot to say but I’ll try to keep it brief. Y/N you are an incredibly complex human, but I can without a doubt tell you that you’re suffering from major depression, anxiety, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not only that but you have told yourself over and over that you are to blame for every shitty thing that’s happened in your life and it has paved the way for every single decision you’ve made. You’ve crucified yourself for making a decision as a child when in reality you weren’t given any choice. You’ve accepted that the things your father said as true and it breaks my heart.” You felt the urge to cry, you couldn’t figure out why but you wanted to cry. “You’ve lived all these years with this horrific trauma that started when you were just a child and I don’t know how you did it but I’m so proud of you. You are strong and you are a fighter and you are a goddamn survivor. I am so fucking proud of you Y/N. You came here months ago and did the best you could and you’ve opened up to me in a way that you never had to anyone. I’m honored and I’m so proud of you.” You started crying. It wasn’t like before where you had cried out of painful memories, it was a softer crying meant to soothe.  You were tense but you could feel a small part of yourself start to mend. It was difficult though, an overwhelming part of you was telling you that you were behaving unacceptably. You deserved what had happened. You were what your father had created you to be. “Your father was a garbage human being who deserved a crueler fate. He wasn’t like that because of anything you did. And you did nothing to deserve the treatment you got. You know why? Because he was doing it before you even existed. And you know what else? Him picking you was not your fault. You were worried for your family, that was natural, that was normal. It was an ok reaction. Everything was on him.” Deep down inside, a small part of you rejoiced. You had had to hear these words for so long form someone. It helped you in ways you couldn’t describe. But just as quickly, another part of you wanted to smother that joy. It kept telling you that Daniel was lying. “I know your conflicted over what I’m saying, and I wish I could get rid of the voice that’s telling you I'm lying but I can’t. You have to do that. You have to forgive yourself. No one but you can do that. Therapy isn’t a walk in the park. It’s a difficult and complex journey. It takes time and it’s fucking hard.  I won’t lie to you. It’ll be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. But I swear to you on my life, it’ll be worth it.” You sniffled, feeling even more exhausted, eyes drooping, and changed the subject. Daniel was giving you too much. Instead, you looked at your hands, fiddling with your fingertips and said, “I saw him in the park today. My… partner… my boyfr- … James. I saw him today and he looked great. He was smiling and he was there with a woman. She was beautiful. She had this big gorgeous dark curly hair, her skin looked soft and smooth glowing in the sun against her white dress. She looked so vibrant and so full of life and happiness. They were perfect together. He was holding her and she was touching him and they looked so right, standing next to each other. And I got so angry.” Abruptly, you were on your feet. The small pile of threads falling to the ground. You were unable to stay still, a sudden explosion of emotion rocking you. “I was so furiously angry. I was a mess and hurting and there he was with another woman again. I’m fucking drowning and he’s fine! I gave him everything I could. I did everything I could! But it wasn’t enough. And then he touched me. He just touched me and instead of feeling repulsed, my skin felt warm and I didn’t feel uneasy,” you clenched your fists frustratedly. “And then he called me beloved.” You spat out. “He called me beloved and he told me Mariah didn’t mean anything and that he missed me. And I could feel myself falling. I love him so much despite everything and I had wanted to hear those words for months now. But I wasn’t enough! He hurt me! He had me and I was trying and it wasn’t enough for him, I wasn’t enough for him even at my very best and he picked her and she didn’t mean anything. I’m worth less than that to him. I mean less than her. I gave him everything I could. And I wasn’t enough. Why wasn’t it enough? Why?” And you were standing there, panting heavily, hands clutching your hair and just pulling with all your strength because you were so overwhelmed. You hadn’t been enough and you were never going to be enough for James. You were the monster your father made you be. You had blood on your hands in a way that James never would. You were the monster he always feared he was. Of course, you deserved what you got. How stupid could you be? “Y/N, please calm down. Please sit. I’m going to touch you ok?”, Daniel said firmly. You felt his hands on your forearm as he reached up to untangle your hair from your hands. He gently guided you to your favorite chair and sat down on the coffee table in front of you. “Y/N, none of what that man did was your fault. I know. I know you don’t believe me. But I promise that what he did was for his own reasons and his own shortcomings. Not yours. You were just a child. Nothing you could have ever done merited what happened to you. And I cannot stress this enough, you are worthy. You are worth more than you can imagine, and your best is more than enough. I know it with every fiber of my being. I haven’t lied to you, and I won’t start now, so you need to trust me when I say that none of what happened was your fault. You’ve been dealt with some shitty cards but that wasn’t your fault.” You burst into tears. You were so tired of fighting yourself and your past. You didn’t want it anymore. You felt Daniel’s arms wrap around you holding you tightly. You sobbed because it all hurt. Everything hurt. You mourned for your failed love, and your past, and all the horrible things you had endured. You cried for the little girl you had been, who had never been comforted, loved, cherished. You cried every tear she never could, you cried for her. 

You had cried before but this time, it was different. With each tear you let out, you felt better. Your tears were washing out your wounds, leaving them clean so that you could finally start to heal. It still hurt, and you suspected it always would, but for the first time ever you didn’t feel the same. The anguish had subsided, the burdens you carried had lessened.

Slowly you stilled. You felt hollowed out and light as a feather. There was an extremely long road ahead but for the first time, you could see a light at the end of it. You pulled out of Daniel’s embrace and looked up at him. “How are you feeling? Better?”, Daniel asked quietly. You nodded, unable to speak.  “Ok, Y/N,” he started seriously, “I’m writing you a prescription for some anti-depressives and anxiety medication. I want you to start taking those in addition to seeing me. You made progress today, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for telling me everything you’ve told me. I recommend you going home and doing your best to practice some self-care.” He smiled brightly at you as you made your way towards the door. He pulled you in for a short hug and whispered in your ear, “I’m so proud of you.” 

You made your way to the lobby and out into the warm evening air fully intending on going back to your apartment, but somehow ending up in the park where you had seen James earlier. You were hugging yourself, walking slowly and completely lost in your thoughts, processing what Daniel had said and figuring out what you were feeling. You detoured to the park where you had seen James and thought about him. About how you felt and everything that had happened and how you were seeing it all in a different light.

And you realized you were angry. You were furious beyond belief because for the first time you were seeing just how bad James had treated you. You had accepted it, and taken what little was offered because you thought that was all that you were worth, but with Daniel’s words ringing in your ears and settling into your bones you knew better. He had left you to deal with everything alone. For years, even before Mariah, you had believed that you deserved the distance that he had put between the two of you, deserved it because of the horrors you had committed but the truth was that it was all James’ fault. You were doing your best to reach out to him despite your limitations, you could see that now. You had tried and fought and worked for your relationship, and he had not. He had stood by and judged you for the little progress you had been able to make, all while not making any himself. And then he had the audacity to cheat on you. Because you were too much. He had told you that you were too much. 

What bullshit. You bit back a scream of rage at your realization. You had done the best you could. You had given everything you could give. And it was enough. It was good enough. You were beating yourself up over this and he didn’t care then and he clearly didn’t care now. First Mariah, and then the other woman at the park. How dare he? How fucking dare he? 

And then, you were walking to your apartment. You knew you should stay in and take a bath, eat some deliciously unhealthy food, and binge some Netflix but you also knew you weren’t going to do that. You were going out. You were going to truly enjoy yourself and do your best to feel free.  

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