#its vapid pop music TO YOU

[saulwexler]

every video I see from vienna has made me cry 🤧 my theorem that swiftism will destroy fascism gets more true every day

[ranvwoop]

trying my best to not get one guy'd but it's so hard. i have hatred in my heart

[recurse-game]

re:curse megamix!!

As of now, re:curse has hit its initial download goals and then some. As thanks, I've dug up some of the music I was inspired by/made me think of the characters during development, and polished them up into a nice mix for you. Actually, a version of this playlist has been living on my phone for almost 3 years... Now it sees the light of day. Also, enjoy a new illustration I did just for the occasion :D Listen on SoundCloud here! Tracklist under the cut:

PART ONE: Linda The Books - I Didn't Know That KNOWER - Time Traveler Guerilla Toss - Skull Pop Angel Electronics - Secret Teachings of All Ages Bill Wurtz - Slow Down Guerilla Toss - Hacking Machine They Might Be Giants - Prepare CHVRCHES - Science/Visions The Books - Smells Like Content PART TWO: Joan Lemon Demon - The Only House That's Not On Fire (Yet) They Might Be Giants - She's An Angel Jamie Paige - Bizarre Love Triangle (with Natbird) ROAR - Wondering Why Lauren Bousfield - A Tiny Streak Of Daylight (with Judy Balmin) Clarence Clarity - Vapid Feels Are Vapid Jack Stauber - It's Alright

PART THREE: Caroline Beach Boys - Caroline, No YMCK - 迷宮ピエロ (Pierrot in Labyrinth) ABSRDST and Diveo - In Case It Crashes XTC - When You're Near Me I Have Difficulty Evil Arrows - Last Living Doll rook & nomie - slime brooch G Jones - Thought Tracing ABSRDST - Imaginary Friend Lauren Bousfield - A Joke Poorly Told Black Dresses - CREEP U

[graffitiplanet]

When I first listened to Vice Grip, I was shell-shocked. Jaw to the floor in complete awe. Not because it was good. It was the worst music I had ever heard in my life, and I listen to 100 gecs. "Surely this can't be the precursor to the hit indie/alternative rock band Joywave?" I thought to myself. This godawful collection of "music" sounded like it came straight from a GarageBand mixtape on a burned CD, played through your family PC's shitty built-in speakers. Which was probably how it was meant to be played anyway.

Once I got over the initial knee-jerk reaction to catapult my headphones straight through the nearest window, I found myself listening to the small handful of tracks for a second time. Why would I subject myself to such cruel punishment? There must have been something in the water that fateful day, because each time I re-listened, it sounded better and better…

Something about it… captivated me. Was it the screeching, autotuned vocals that caught my attention? The vapid and childishly crude lyrics? Or the over-mixed drums and mp3 fuzz that proved its authenticity (and lack thereof)? Izzy Sparks was speaking to me from the faraway, ancient year of 2007. He had taken my heart from the lockbox, so to say. I began to understand.

Taken at face value, Vice Grip's discography contains objectively, the worst songs ever written (save for one*). But we need to go deeper. To truly comprehend the beauty of Vice Grip, one must understand the concept of:

Somewhere in 21-year-old Daniel Michael Armbruster's mind, there was a great plan stewing. If his eccentric mannerisms, cynical lyricism, and off-putting tweets of today suggest anything, it is that Daniel is no stranger to satire. His devilish plan to create the perfect caricature of 00s synthpop was never meant to be anything more than a one-time joke. How (un)fortunate that Vice Grip was conceived at the height of the second boyband craze, leading to international success and an active fanbase. Their faces were on TV around the world, and even in magazines. Vice Grip even eclipsed the popularity of the Hoodies, their completely 100% sincere pop-punk effort.

Perhaps this non-band came too early. Were they ahead of their time? It seemed Vice Grip had become the very thing it swore to destroy. Fittingly, the band self-destructed after releasing their final album: The Vice Grip Anthology (2320 H.D. - 2009 A.D.). Causes for the breakup include drug addiction, sex addiction, pornography (both producing and consuming), cannibalism, food addiction, feudalism, and college classes.

Eventually fading into obscurity and surpassed by newer satirical bands like Joywave and KOPPS, Vice Grip's genius went unappreciated for the next 15 years. The full Vice Grip Anthology was lost to link rot and Web 1.0's decay. The search for this holy grail was further crushed when former band members revealed that not even they possessed a copy. I mean, can you blame them? It seemed that Vice Grip was nothing more than an unpleasant memory, preserved only in the minds of the ex-emo millennials who had nothing better to do at Warped Tour 2008.

Until one fateful day in the year 2023. The Anthology had at last been uncovered, dug up and dusted off by one of the few fans who had the indecency to pay $9.99 on iTunes for it, all those years ago. It was subsequently transmitted all the way from Pluto to every deviant computer in the world, and is now freely available to all mortals that can withstand the sonic assault on their eardrums.

Everything on the internet does indeed last forever, much to the chagrin of Armbruster FKA Sparks. In his own words, "[The Anthology] is 31 tracks of complete and utter bullshit, presented in chronological order." But for the five or so Vice Grip fans that still exist on this planet, it was worth its weight in gold and then some (so I'm told). It truly is the most amazing album we will ever hear.

I am now at the point in my Vice Grip journey where Holly & Emily is a welcome guest on my shuffle play, rather than a dastardly scourge to make me cringe into the 4th dimension. This presents some difficulties when playing my music in a car filled with more sensible people than I. But they simply have not yet been mind-blown by the frequencies that Vice Grip has to offer.

The true artistry of Vice Grip hides behind the superficial. These are not songs meant to be loathed and detested by their audience. These are songs crafted with love. These are love songs. Because we love it.

Vice Grip truly is the greatest band the world has ever freaking seen.

*Thriller 2 is the best song Daniel has ever made.

[thesinglesjukebox]

(G)I-DLE - "QUEENCARD"

Time to find out once and for all -- like, for real this time -- who hates fun!

6.29

Kayla Beardslee: Dumb bitches assemble (affectionate). "Queencard" is kind of embarrassing to defend (you're going to bat for the boob and booty hot song? really?), but if you listen to it enough, it becomes impossible to deny that it's also kind of a banger. It would be a different matter if the production and topline weren't pulling their weight, but that bassline rips, and those line-to-line handoffs between all five members in the first verse get me every time. It also helps that this song comes from by far the best album (G)I-DLE has ever put out: when "Queencard" is placed next to the beautiful, dreamy B-side "Paradise" or the sinister-sexy "Lucid," its goofiness seems less like actual vapidity and more like Soyeon intentionally fucking around because she knows it's good to have a little fun and gas yourself up sometimes. Like, look me in the eyes and tell me it's not high performance art to release "Tomboy" and "Queencard" (and "Nxde"!) within a year of one another. I can get on board with a bit of silliness in exchange for the album I've been waiting for (G)I-DLE to make since I first discovered them -- which, as it happens, was when the Jukebox covered "Uh Oh" back in 2019. What a lovely and emotionally nuanced full-circle moment. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to twerking on the runway. [8]

Crystal Leww: MY BOOB AND BUTT IS HOT MY BOOB AND BUTT IS HOT MY BOOB AND BUTT IS HOT MY BOOB AND BUTT IS HOT MY BOOB AND BUTT IS HOT [8]

Katherine St Asaph: Vintage Fergie. [3]

Harlan Talib Ockey: Ridiculous. [7]

Tara Hillegeist: As an object lesson in one of pop music's golden rules -- "unfuckwithable production can save unforgivable lyrics every time" -- "Queencard" ticks all the bases. Embarrassing lines like "twerking on the runway" and "sexy like Kim Kardashian" that not even Meghan Trainor could've written with a straight face completely fail to dent that supple bassline and synth-bleep driven stomp of a beat. There isn't a single word of this song worth dignifying with a sincere analysis; there isn't a single word of this song that matters while the squelched-alarm bubble and squeak of a melody and irrepressible line delivery are still making the brain jiggle like so much excited jelly under their sonic assault. This is a missive from the same school of thought that produced "Song 2": a heady slab of music so thoroughly stupid yet sneeringly self-confident about it, hearing it excites the listener enough to mistake it for the work of a frustrated genius, instead. I cannot take its message seriously without taking insult. I can't stop pressing repeat. [7]

Will Adams: So many delightfully dumb lines, it's hard to choose a favorite. I wish the music had been equally as silly, as opposed to whatever Jonas Brothers purgatory it currently exists in. [5]

Alfred Soto: Elements from Pussycat Dolls and Meghan Trainor drift and fade with the attention span. [4]

Daniel Montesinos-Donaghy: This quintet's energy is infectious enough to take "Queencard" (great title) to the finish line, but there's no getting past the backing track. Envision every Black Friday/post-Christmas/commercial on TV, strip the jaunty musical beds from their flatscreen-deal context, then paste them one after the other. I'm sorry, but GO TO PRISON!!! [2]

Nortey Dowuona: Pop rock as an aesthetic is actually a good thing to be pilfering from. It's not novel or boundary pushing in the slightest, but after the last decade of everything stealing from rap -- the structures, the adlibs, the flows, the kicks, snares, hi-hats and percussion, the poses, the clothing -- and miserably failing to even slightly capture the same lightning strike... maybe don't be bothered to try. I've been listening to What Had Happened Was with Questlove, and at each turn I grow more frustrated by the fact that neither he nor Black Thought ever cottoned on to the giant possibilities of being an actual band, only producing musical phrases to be looped in the least interactive or vivid way. And this song, which is a solid approximation of 2005 pop rock and 2011 piss-take raps, just frustrates me cuz it feels like Jeon So-yeon, the group's Questlove, has the same problem; being able to make poppy Shafiq Husayn records and settling for Max Martin throwaways. [5]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: How long has it been since we've had an honest-to-god hook song? You could blame it on shifting musical trends, but ever since K-pop made it big in the West, lyrics have had to start making sense. This means we've been deprived of the joy that comes with wonky English. The lyrics are especially camp on "Queencard," but it goes beyond that: it's the total surrendering of a topline to phrasing and rhythm. Case in point: "My boob and booty" has syllabic parallels with "I'm top" and "twerking." There's also a slick maneuvering between English and Korean here, with (G)I-DLE selecting the words that sound best -- "ppoppo" is way more fun than "kiss," and "I'm cute" can be delivered with more sass than the same phrase in Korean. "Queencard" may not be a term the average American knows, but it doesn't matter: it's the sort of nonsense word that you can repeat incessantly, much like we all did with "gee" 14 years ago. To top it off, (G)I-DLE actually sound like they're enjoying themselves instead of delivering a Serious Message. We may never get a song like this again. [7]

David Moore: There's boob and booty and twerking in this one, sure, but the most exhilarating part of the whole thing is when the phrase "I'm a queencard" in the chorus devolves into uncanny syllables, like Jell-O starting to go runny in the sun, in a way doesn't just tell you what a queencard is, but really points to it -- this is a queencard. I'm reminded that K-pop isn't just multilingual, but often meta-lingual in the way that so much (all?) good pop is, refusing to let words get by as mere signifiers and forcing us to reckon with words at the phonemic, molecular level. How wild is it that the entire basis of our civilization is built on these funky noises we make with our mouths and tongues and lungs and noses and throats? I think that's neat. [8]

Kat Stevens: I worry that she's going to lose a lot of money at poker. [6]

Michael Hong: Look, Soyeon's English lyrics are often questionable, and it doesn't help that each member seems to drop syllables. She's exaggerated her "rapping" voice to be sharper and more piercing, and the lyric "look so cool, look so sexy like Kim Kardashian (uh) / look so cute, look so pretty like Ariana" fits awkwardly in the meter and is a bit reductive of each (but also your bad if you expected a nuanced feminist take from the group that brought you "Nxde"). And the entire thing is just a Valley Girl rip of "Song 2" by Blur. And yet, 4 + 4 is still: [8]

Brad Shoup: The pre-chorus is really interesting, how it teeters on the rim of Meghan Trainor maltshop-pop without ever falling in. It's a nice break from the spy-theme slink that dominates this. [5]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Referencing Ariana Grande directly feels like giving away the game -- this is some real Dangerous Woman shit, a maximalist pop barrage that seems to operate on the principle that if you make enough baffling aesthetic and lyrical decisions it'll loop back to sense eventually. Joke's on me -- they're right! This sounds like how I imagine getting shot out of a T-shirt cannon would feel. [7]

Michelle Myers: Shuhua is a queencard. Soyeon is squeak-rapping like she's HyunA's daughter. Minnie is hosting a blue champagne party and doing her best Debbie Harry impression. Miyeon hard carries the pre-chorus. Yuqi is jamming the phrase "sexy like Kim Kardashian" into five syllables. She's top. She's twerking on the runway. [8]

Anna Katrina Lockwood: "I'm twerking on the runway" has got to be in the top five greatest stunt English lines in K-pop history. (G)I-DLE have always had oodles of talent and charisma, but "Queencard," like last year's "Tomboy," has the confidence of maturity and a rare sense of unfettered enjoyment. Nobody's had such a good time in a music video since GD and TOP went to the club. Speaking of YG party songs, of course this is reminiscent of that format---though as others have pointed out, it lacks the true YG party chorus to close. There are a few better precedents in Cube's own history, which are combined effectively with a vaguely punk rock sound and a sensitive handful of blog house references. Part of the magic has to be the judicious editing Soyeon has applied here -- "Queencard" is a blisteringly tight 2:41, far from the bloat often befalling her earlier compositions. It's fun, you can shout along to it, there's a funny little dance, there are at least three melodies I've had stuck in my head--it's some good fucking K-pop. [9]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

[8iunie]

‘We’ve always been very divisive’: Måneskin on fighting fascists and breakfast with Chris Martin

First The X Factor, then victory at Eurovision, now a Grammy nod: the Italian glam rockers have taken the road less ordinary on their way to worldwide fame. So long as they can be themselves, they wouldn’t have it any other way (posted on 21.01.2023)

Damiano David is bent double over a large glass table, gleefully snorting an imaginary line of cocaine. His Måneskin bandmates – bassist Victoria De Angelis, guitarist Thomas Raggi and drummer Ethan Torchio – collapse in fits of laughter around their frontman, each one pretending to wipe the nonexistent powder off the table in their rented LA flat.

David is playfully reimagining the Italian rockers’ most infamous moment: hours after winning Eurovision 2021 with their pogoing glam-rock stomp Zitti e Buoni, in front of a global audience of 183 million, footage circulated of David appearing to snort something off a table in the green room. The images quickly went viral, with Emmanuel Macron reportedly calling for the band to be disqualified (France’s entry was in second place). In the end David offered to take a drug test, which cleared him of any wrongdoing; the results are still pinned proudly to his fridge at home.

“I think the view people have of us, and of me, it’s very off-target,” David says now, his usual rock star uniform – Gucci-styled 70s glam idol mixed with Rocky Horror Picture Show vamp – replaced by an oversized beige sweater and a violent cold. (Every band member is struck down with it, rendering a grey-looking Raggi almost mute.) “People think we behave like the Sex Pistols, or Mötley Crüe, but we’re nothing like that,” David continues. “We’ve got more educated on the risks of drugs and how they affect your body. I don’t even drink alcohol any more.”

“At the time we got so upset about it and now we don’t give a fuck,” smiles De Angelis, the band’s most outspoken member, sat looking resplendent in an Italians Do It Better T-shirt.

David, however, is having none of it: “No, I am still upset about it, actually. I think it’s dumb to tarnish the victory at Eurovision. I think we should go back and hand flowers around.”

Måneskin, despite their throwback vintage rock vibe, represent a very modern take on the rock’n’roll mythos. Prior to Eurovision – a DayGlo pop jamboree not renowned for its links to rock excess – the band gained notoriety via Italy’s version of karaoke conveyor belt The X Factor. Their origin story has led to some music purists taking umbrage at the band’s success, with their CV now including two UK Top 10 singles, more than 4bn streams, multiple world tours, a collaboration with Iggy Pop, plus a support slot with the Rolling Stones in Vegas.

“Some of the stupid comments we get are probably because of [having done The X Factor and Eurovision],” shrugs De Angelis. “People are so narrow-minded that they can’t see beyond the idea that if we went on Eurovision we must be shit. They can’t listen to our songs with an open mind and judge them based on what they really think.”

On their highly anticipated third album, Rush!, Måneskin’s first since becoming one of the few new rock acts to break through globally, the band can often be found grappling not only with the speed of their ascent (hence the title), but also a complicated relationship with what rock’n’roll means in 2023. “The whole concept of rock music is not conforming to what society would love you to be,” De Angelis says. “It’s ignoring those made-up rules and being yourself. We don’t think real rock music is about these stereotypes of the sex and drugs and rock’n’roll lifestyle,” she continues. “It’s about expression and creative freedom.”

Still, Rush!, which was mainly co-produced in LA by Swedish hitmaker Max Martin, is stuffed with songs about sex, drugs and, indeed, rock’n’roll, but often with a twist. While lead single Supermodel criticises, rather than valorises, LA’s vapid party scene (“Everything [in LA] is so huge and big and wants to impress you, it’s all showing off,” sniffs De Angelis), the band confess to having enjoyed at least one A-list schmooze with Coldplay’s Chris Martin, who invited them over to his and girlfriend Dakota Johnson’s house for breakfast.

“Dakota cooked us eggs, Chris didn’t cook,” remembers Torchio.

“He was enjoying the moment,” suggests David.

Supermodel also references the band’s apparent drug of choice, cocaine, as does the frenetic Bla Bla Bla, though it largely serves as a warning of sorts, as David sings: “I’m too drunk and I can’t get hard.” “It happens when you drink too much,” the 23-year-old shrugs, ignoring his bandmates’ giggles. “Even when you haven’t had a drink. [That song] is a mixture of honesty and putting on ‘crazy guy’ shoes. [That character] says some things I would never say.”

Perhaps the best example of stereotypical rock’n’roll swagger arrives on the ludicrous Kool Kids, a punky marauder that finds David aping the spit-flecked delivery of Slowthai. “That [was written] three days after Eurovision so our feeling was: ‘Fuck off, we won and everybody has to eat our shit,’” David says. “Before Eurovision we went through a very tough year; everybody was trying to stop us doing this kind of music and doing Eurovision. Nobody believed in us. So we had this feeling of being the underdogs that won.”

That feeling has helped cement Måneskin’s sibling-style bond. It’s been fostered since they formed at high school in Rome in 2016, with David, De Angelis and Raggi coming together after their various other bands didn’t work out (Torchio was later recruited via Facebook). “I remember when I started playing guitar at school, everyone was like: ‘Oh my God, you play electric guitar. Are you a lesbian?’” De Angelis says. “It’s all these stereotypes you know.” Suddenly her eyes dart around the room. “But then actually they were right,” she adds with a huge roar of laughter.

The band, named after the Danish word for moonlight (De Angelis is half-Danish), would quickly garner similar reactions across Rome for their style, which often involved every band member donning makeup. “I remember even when we were busking or playing at school parties everyone always looked at us like freaks,” says De Angelis. “This gave us even more of an attitude of wanting to tell them to shut up. Growing up and being inspired by a lot of the artists from the 70s, the glam, it showed us something we hadn’t seen.”

In 2017, the band appeared on The X Factor, eventually finishing second and landing a chart-topping album in Italy a year later. “When we went on The X Factor we were the first rock band to [appear], but we just played as if it was our own show,” De Angelis continues. “We didn’t have to change.”

While more success quickly followed in Italy, including five Top 10 singles in two years, the band say they felt a shift at home after Eurovision sent them interstellar. “We’ve always been very dividing,” David says. “There are a bunch of people that love us and are very proud of what we’re doing, and then there’s a whole other part made of conservatives and traditional rock’n’roll fans and fascists that hate us with everything they’ve got. Then there’s this conspiracy building up … ”

Everyone at the table looks bemused.

“What?” splutters Torchio.

“Yeah, guys you have to be informed,” snaps David. “It says that we’re getting famous because we’re being paid. That we’re working with the Italian government to share this gender-fluid culture!”

“A lot of people are really proud,” De Angelis says. “But Italy is a very conservative country and they’re intimidated by the fact that someone can wear makeup or high heels or appear half-naked or not be straight. But fuck them.”

This passion for nudity caused problems last August when the band performed at the MTV VMAs, where they won best alternative video for single I Wanna Be Your Slave. While David donned a dog collar, leather chaps and buttock-revealing thong, De Angelis covered one nipple with a silver star before her top slipped down revealing the other one to be unadorned. Cue lots of hastily edited aerial shots to save everyone’s blushes. “We’re too hot for US television,” smiles De Angelis. “It’s so stupid because they want to appear so open-minded and then they get scared about a pair of nipples. There is this difference between men’s and women’s bodies and how you’re perceived and sexualised all the time. Everyone has nipples.”

“It’s very clear the different standards people have because I was literally butt-naked,” adds David.

Perhaps it’s no surprise that a band whose success was forged in controversy are now under the microscope. For David and Raggi, the band’s straight contingent, there have been accusations of queer-baiting, thanks to their penchant for sporting makeup and experimenting with a more fluid style. “There are some cases where it happens, but sometimes [the accusations are] so extreme,” says De Angelis. “It’s stupid for queer people, who should fight these stereotypes, to label it as this and create more hate. The fact [Raggi and David] are straight doesn’t mean they can’t wear makeup. Or heels.”

David agrees: “Everything me and Thomas do is always filtered by two people who are [queer]. Of course we don’t experience the same stuff, but we live every day very closely with people from the community.”

They are keen to also deflect their spotlight on to more immediately concerning issues, with Rush!’s throbbing Gasoline – performed at last September’s Global Citizen festival in New York – aimed at Putin (“How are you sleeping at night? How do you close both your eyes? Living with all of those lives on your hands?” run the lyrics.) The song, they say, is a message of support for their Ukrainian fans. Rather than shy away from politics, the band see it as entwined with who they are. “Everything you do as an individual is political,” says David.

For now, however, they are keen to get some sleep. There is a discussion around how much time they’ve had off since winning Eurovision in 2021, with the general consensus landing on about two weeks in total. With another tour booked for this year, including a sold-out show at London’s O2 Arena, and a Grammy award to fight for (they’re nominated for best new artist), their schedule seems unlikely to let up any time soon.

“Two weeks off in two years!” repeats a dazed David shaking his head. Rock’n’roll stops for no one.

Writer: Michael Cragg for The Guardian

[jkpng]

☕️ fav solo song of each member

EVEN MORE IMPOSSIBLE……… ok ill do bts solo and SOLO solo cuz i cant narrow down to one 😭 i cant even narrow down to 2 😭

namjoon: tie between intro persona and intro what i am to you bc i cant choose 😭 and another tie between closer and do you (honourable mention is smoke sprite ofc)

seokjin: epiphany bc it makes me wanna cry so bad. and the astronaut bc it also makes me wanna cry so bad. honourable mention is tonight jins voice is like a comforting blanket that i want when im sick/sad/suffering x ailment

yoongi: tie between interlude shadow and intro hyyh i feel those in my bones‼️ and ALSO tied between burn it and polar night. honourable mention agust d bc it goes hard

hoseok: outro ego its just such a BOPPP and a tie between baseline, blue side, more and safety zone I CANT CHOOSE theyre all such different vibes it depends on the mood yk

jimin: lie bc its incredible (but serendipity is also a fave) and also like crazy. ik a title track isnt a deep cut but its just SOOOOO good titles arent usually my faves 🤔 honourable mention is promise

taehyung: STIGMA ‼️ “are u calling me a sinner” LIKE COME ONNN but singularity is close second ofc. and love me again tbh layover isnt my favourite style of music but i luvvvv love me again

jungkook: ok 3/5 of my top songs in 2022 were my time euphoria and begin sooo . BUT my time is my favourite its the most my taste Plus i feel like its got the most to chew on lyrically and also the performance. for solos obv still with you reins supreme but also somebody (and seven . i do love a vapid (complimentary) pop song sometimes 😭 it just has a grip on me man)

[understandingbimbos]

"Whence Bimbofication?"

‘Bimbo’ itself is not a straight-forward word, because like all insults, it requires a viewer and a subject, between who they may be a combination of value judgments.

Widely believed to be derived from the Italian ‘bambino’, ‘bimbo’ broadly refers to be a person who offers nothing but their pretty face. Or sexy body, depending how crude you want to be.

Define the offer of nothing. Define a pretty face. Like pornography, everybody knows it when they see it, yet when pressed to codify it, you get a litany of edge cases, informed by media consumption. It’s only grown harder after the internet exploded the monoculture and media consumption became highly individualized and esoteric.

‘Bimbofication’, the process of become a bimbo, seems to have been coined by the moral panic over rock & roll in the eighties. Music videos appeared a promotional tool in the end of the 70s, MTV started broadcasting in 1981, and by the mid-eighties there was a market of parental resources warning that children would be corrupted by images of violence, materialism, and the sexual exploitation of women.

The most widely cited usage of the term ‘bimbofication’ is an article by Jon Pareles called ‘Sex, Lies, and the trouble with video tape’, which was actually a defense of MTV against the claims of Dr. Sut Jhally about its portrayal of women.

Pareles describes MTV having “two minutes of bimbofication per one hour” and this memorable phrase shows up over and over in discussions of censorship. Usage of ‘bimbofication’ drops off in magazine articles around 2000. Then, in 2009, there is a gigantic spike in usage as Amazon facilitates digital self-publishing and the web in inundated by ebooks with ‘bimbofication’ in the title and promotional material.

Nine years of collage, being torn apart and reassembled in the whisper-networks of the pre-facebook internet. A neologism goes from describing a moral panic to embodying multiple genres of erotic art and writing.

Perhaps that describes the origin of many parasexualities. In a society slow to discuss the complexity of sex, how do we learn except by imitating moral panics? Isn’t that what sadism and masochism were in the first place? People imitating the reviled authors de Sade and von Sacher-Masoch? Now we embrace all those supposedly corrupting us – pink pop music and vapid gossip rags and bleached blonde porn stars and famous sex tapes and trashy anime – using the language of those worried we would be corrupted.

I think part of ‘bimbofication’ is that it describes sexuality as a process, a becoming. A perpetual panic. A perpetual crisis. That can be a crisis of many things – religion, ethics, gender, social standing. Thus the narrative of transformation. There are as many ‘-fications’ as there are crises – whorification, slutification, stepfordization, nerdification, gothification, sissyfication, princessfication, etc.

Overcoming an internalized panic is always a crisis and how many of us are overcoming, even? The appeal of transformation, much like suicide, is to cut the Gordian knot within our soul.

(Excerpted from https://mcmdrabbles.home.blog/)

[watchthosewristrockets]

I'm gonna post this on main but i absolutely, totally, unabashedly fucking hate the morning show host for one of my local radio stations.

Let me preface this with saying i have no/minimal control over me listening to them. I work an early morning job and we listen to the radio over the PA speakers. I don't subject myself to this willingly. i can't wear earphones due to the nature of my work. it is entirely against my wishes.

I hate you Ed.

If i found out we were in the same building i would have to be physically restrained. I would pop the brain out of your skull with my bare hands like the pus out of a pimple. You are an absolute blight on my every working day. I HAVE to endure you five days out of the week. Endure. your presence is something to be suffered through.

do you know this?

You are not a good host.

Your presence is awkward. your demeanour and flow has a terrible stench of artificial friendliness. you rely far too much on colloquialisms and aussie phrases to carry you through. every conversation you have is, allegedly, "having a yarn". Every "interview" you have is just you asking 2 or 3 leading questions while the subject awkwardly answers in between your grating mannerisms. They're uncomfortable. Arguably they're the best part of your show because they're actual human beings.

you aren't funny. you aren't a "good bloke". you aren't down to earth. you aren't good to listen to! you aren't interesting! you aren't stimulating! you are worse than dead air. I would prefer the speakers to cut out and be silent in between songs, because honestly that would be more intellectually stimulating.

you have the cadence of a year 9 oral presentation by a popular kid, on his favourite thing, who also plays footy. You have all the confidence with no charisma to back any of it up. all you are is confidence. its all you have. absolute charisma vacuum.

you interview local artists in your show but never play any of their music. Why? we both know why. they're not in the playlist. so why the fuck would you interview them, and claim to care so much about local music, then not throw them a fucking bone and give them 3 minutes out of your three hours on the air? the only point is to give lip service and give the facade of caring, which is insulting above all else. fuck you man. fuck you.

speaking of guests, they all appear to be made to feel so awkward to be interacting with you. we all know its a contractual/advertising thing most of the time. we aren't stupid. you don't converse well. ask your vapid questions about whatever they're flogging but don't pretend you're being hard hitting, or even NATURAL in your delivery. they go along with your shit jokes so you'll shut the fuck up faster.

We aren't catching up and having a yarn, this isn't about your wife/"partner in crime", and things like that, and catching up, and stories, and being local, and all the other crocks of bullshit you blather on about every fucking weekday. GO HOME AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. Drink in the silence. absorb it. acknowledge it and its function. BE QUIET! SHUT UP! GO AWAY!

you talk a lot but you don't have anything to say.

the only thing worse than dead air is zombie air.

[pastelsnakeyy]

YOU 🤝 ME

THE SAME EXACT TASTE IN MUSIC

I LOVE SET IT OFF!! ICONIC!! Also, I grew up on classic country music, the REAL stuff, and it's so good. Makes me sad when people say country is a shit genre when it's obvious they've only ever heard the extremely vapid and conservative radio pop country :(

Besides the Oingo, I've also been on a BIG gothic music kick recently. The spooky vibes are immaculate rn, I'm so ready for fall.

ALSO DID YOU KNOW RYAN GOSSLING WAS IN A GOTHIC ROCK BAND IN 2007-2009???? ITS CRAZY. The band was called "Dead Man's Bones" AND THEIR MUSIC WAS GENUINELY SO GOOD??? -🍁💀

Bro! Yes! Being with someone who doesn't have the same music taste really sucks, so I'm always glad to find people who have similar tastes.

I'm also so incredibly ready for fall. I haven't listened to a lot of gothic music, but I feel I would definitely like it. I actually like summer, but I am craving spooky season. I'm going to make so much hot chocolate!

Also, I knew Ryan Gosling had a music career, but he was in a gothic rock band??? Ken from the Barbie movie??? Insane, I should check that music out.

[thisaintascenereviews]

Thriller Turns 40: A Retrospective

The highest selling album of all time is Michael Jackson's Thriller, but there's a huge chance you already knew that. Released November 30th, 1982, this was (and still is) a monumental album. Most of the highest sellings albums of all time are there for a reason, and despite being overexposed to the point that everyone knows about it, it's worth people knowing about. Thriller is one of those iconic albums that everyone just knows. Even if you don't listen to Michael Jackson, you know who he is, and at least a couple of songs from this record. This record has seven number one singles on it, and chances are, you know all of those songs, including "Billie Jean," "Beat It," the title track, and a few more. This album is considered one of the key staples of the 1980s, if not the quintessential 1980s album, regardless of the genre. Thriller is also just one of the best albums of all time, and its status as being the best selling album of all time is warranted. In fact, this is the first pop album I ever heard around a decade ago. This is the album that I would show people who think "pop music is bad" and/or "pop music is meaningless garbage," which can be true in a lot of respects, but as is the case with most genres, it's not all bad. There are a lot of great things to be found, and in the case of pop music, Thriller is the apex of where the genre lives. I was one of those people that thought pop music was vapid garbage, but I decided to pick up Thriller one day at FYE during Christmastime when it was on sale, and that's the moment where my love for pop music really began. The only other "pop" album I had really listened to at that time was Patrick Stump's solo debut album from 2011, Soul Punk, but in my mind, I didn't consider that a pop album, solely due to it being from my favorite singer of my favorite pop-punk / emo band. Fall Out Boy were my life back then, and I loved Patrick Stump, and those things are true today, but I didn't consider that record truthfully pop.

Thriller, on the other hand, is a pop record. It's okay to say it. It's not a bad word. Right from the album starts, you're hit with "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'" and it's such a fun, catchy, and energetic jam that has Jackson doing a bit of a post-disco number. It starts the album off on a bang, so to speak; Quincy Jones' production is just as important to this record's success as Jackson himself, but let's be fair -- Jackson is the biggest reason why this record works so well. If that first song doesn't hook you in, which it should, the rest surely should hook you in. Just on the first half alone, we're treated to the slower-ish song "Baby Be Mine," the Paul McCartney duet "The Girl Is Mine," which is one of my favorite songs on the record, and the title track, and that's one of the most important Halloween songs of all time. The rest, however, we've got cuts like "Billie Jean," "Beat It," "Human Nature," and one of my other favorite cuts, "PYT (Pretty Young Thing)." Honestly, I could make this review very long by talking about each song, and why each song is very good, but it comes down to a lot of the same elements -- Jackson's voice, the production, the writing, the lyrics, and the overall timelessness of the record. This album has a very interesting place in the canon of pop music by being so timeless. It transcends its time, if anything at all. Jackson's vocals are some of the best I've ever heard in anything, regardless of genre or decade. He can pull off a very softer tune or a more energetic song. That's another thing I like about this album a lot, and what makes it work so well, is that it's an album with a lot of variety. "Beat It," for example, is a song that Jackson wanted to do to show off his more "rock" side, as Eddie Van Halen performs the solo on it. But you have some post-disco, R&B, soul, and a lot of pop on it, too, so there's a lot of facets to this record that are more than just a standard pop cut.

In short, Thriller is one of my all time favorite albums, and even though everyone knows about this, and everyone has heard about this album, it's worth revisiting on its 40th anniversary. I've been playing it a lot throughout the last couple of weeks, and it never gets old with me; this is definitely one of my "desert island" albums, where if I were stranded on a desert island and could only have five albums, this would be one of them. I don't know who I'm trying to convince here, either, because isn't even a review, per se, it's just a lookback on a record that I love and that I've loved for years. Thriller was the first true "pop" album I got into, all because I wanted to get into other kinds of music. I had been trapped in a bubble for so long, and I wanted to get out of it, but if you're in the same boat, and you feel as though pop music is bad, and it's always been bad, listen to Thriller. If you're up for more of a challenge, or you want more, check out 1987's Bad, too, which isn't quite as great of an album (not because it doesn't have any great songs, and that album does turn 35 this year, but I don't feel like reviewing it or talking about it, minus here, because it's not as important or monumental), but it has songs like "Dirty Diana," "Smooth Criminal," "Man In The Mirror," and the title track, just to name a few, so you'll probably recognize a lot of songs on there, too, but you can't go wrong with this one. Thriller is the album that put Michael Jackson on the map as a solo artist. He had already been popular with the Jackson 5 in the late 60s and throughout the 1970s, and his solo album, 1979's Off The Wall, kind of put him on the map, but it was Thriller that really did that. There's a good reason for that, too; this record is a monumental piece of music, and it's worth hearing no matter who you are, how old you are, or what kind of music you like. Even the most diehard metalheads have to admit that this album rules, and if they don't, they're lying to themselves to look cool, because this album is one of the best of all time.

[ashymcgee]

It's so funny how I used this IG platform...it's as if I recycled its vapid use to the warmth and literary l expression that resided on LiveJournal. Remember that? It's still around. Let me pour you a glass of pure 90s ageism. . "I have an extra ticket!" Snaps @hannahmaniacal . "I'm a lampshade! Come hear me sing!" . Hannah and I are exotic animals that slice through Seattle's dreariness. If I ever had a spiritual twin, she is it. Hannah: Hippy Rainbow Unicorn. Me: The Irridescent Dhali Serpent. Hannah uses color. I use pattern. Hannah sings in a acid rock band. I sing Depeche Mode and The Cure during karaoke. . She gifted me a rhinestone crown pin for my hat. Queen, she said. I gave her my purple turquoise ring. Oracle, I replied. . We both read tarot. We are both voice actors. She does corporate. I do everything but corporate. We both love fighting. She fell in love with Savate. I fell in love with Bjj...which is funny, because now we are both blue belts. . Yet, what is beautiful about us is that we are technically old, but no one would know it. In fact, Hannah is older than I am and she lives everyday as if it were her last. We have both been through horrible times and, when I feel that I've lost my way, when I feel like life is darker than it really is, she always pops up and reminds me how sweet life can be. . The Conner Byrne was the last place I visited in 2019 before my entire world fell apart for nearly 4 years. Ballard Ave held nothing but broken memories and heartache...yet, leave it to random ass Hannah to pull me out in the cold and snow and say: Hey. I love you....even as Lamp. . Thank you, Hannah. I love you, too.... even as a Snake. . #goodsouls #Seattle #ballard #connerbyrne #barculture #music #concerts #nerdgirls #twinsouls (at Conor Byrne Pub) https://www.instagram.com/p/CmVb2ZorQL6vZRX5L-DbjfNQIssh-vI9f84pMk0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[cinnabargirl]

He compartido 11.610 publicaciones este 2022

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Mis publicaciones más populares este 2022:

5

Assassin's Creed AU where Claudia Auditore's descendant is put on the animus and they learn mad accounting skills through the bleeding effect.

82 notas. Fecha de publicación: 26 de noviembre de 2022

4

If your direct response to someone critizising make up and beauty culture and how its practically forced on women is "so??? Maybe I want to look good????? Maybe I live in a vacuum and patriarchal society hasn't shaped every part of my life???? Maybe I like feeling like a foul beast unworthy of love and affection each time I don't apply full coverage foundation before heading out of the house to buy some bread???? Have you considered that questioning the things that women are expected to be or do in society actually makes you a terrible bigot???? Anyways fix your wings ugly 💅" then I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the worms have eaten away the majority of your brain.

173 notas. Fecha de publicación: 28 de julio de 2022

3

I hate you tourism I hate you tourists I hate you cruise ships I hate you Airbnb I hate you binge tourism I hate you chain hotels I hate you gentrification and I specifically hate you tourism driven gentrification I hate you northern european and north american sense of superiority I hate you mass produced souvenirs I hate you tourists traps I hate the degradation of cultural landmarks I hate having to walk on eggshells in the place I live work + study in I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate

547 notas. Fecha de publicación: 21 de agosto de 2022

2

You just know Stephenie did 0 research for the twilight series bc there is no way someone who has even looked at a map thinks that Brazil has a west coast.

822 notas. Fecha de publicación: 1 de agosto de 2022

Mi publicación más popular de 2022

You know what with it being the 10 year anniversary of Electra Heart and Born to Die also turning 10 a few months ago I can't help but feel that no other pop albums shaped the early 10s and lots of pop music henceforth the way these two did. The way they sound like nothing that was being made at the time in terms of lyrics and instrumentation/production and that there's not much else that has really been able (or has wanted) to imitate them in their wake despite their popularity really goes to show how unique they were, especially in the sea of vapid EDM/dubstep that dominated the charts back in those days.

929 notas. Fecha de publicación: 27 de abril de 2022

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[liquoricebxxxh]

Not you misunderstanding the social bullshit at play here. Beyoncé has a nasty habit of using an insidious PR machine to backhandedly smudge her way onto other black women’s arts and aesthetics, while she acts like a dumb, goody two shoes, knowing that black people are always the happiest to laugh at one another when they see each other hurt by this type of discarding and lack of genuine appreciation and acknowledgment when we all contribute to a collective culture that not a single one of us has any right to position ourselves as some pseudo sort of statehood of. Especially when you are adamantly fixed on shoving extremely denatured, piss poor, derivative versions of the hard work studied and expertly crafted work and excellence that is already solidified within the space. That is a joke. With that said, if you’re cultural value has sank that low that you’re only options are to play crabs in a barrels with your black female peers, sabotaging the, behind the scenes, stealing their singles and aesthetics at face value rather than collaborating with them and sharing wisdoms to actually enrich, explore, innovate, excel, and progress as an individual artist and collective genre with dignity, truth, humility, honor, and a general love for music and not some vapid, archaic obviously light skinned jealous obsession with fame… You wouldn’t feel the desperate need to defend Taylor Swift’s feelings when she is crying because Kanye told the truth. You are too happy to acknowledge and console the feelings of white peers and too thirsty to invoke anger in your black female colleagues to make yourself feel superior in a space too many more superior women have already left their mark.

Beyoncé is and has been for decades fighting very hard for pop cultural power with the understanding that being the top “black female artist”, in addition to being lighter skinned would be enough to satiate an industry full of white men who largely still considered her an urban act ala Ashanti, Brandy, Monica, Aaliyah, Amerie, Faith Evans, Mary J. Blige, SWV, Xscape, etc…. And focused on acts with world wide appeal like Britney, Madonna, and Christina, Pink, Adele — she got a bit more confused when Shakira and JLO hit the scene — in A LOT of ways she found herself stuck, not knowing how to navigate her coveted.light skinned but almost white passing blackness in a new, soft-ethnic market….in comes - BDAY.

In my honest opinion, France and its plethora of classical fine art institutions, organic record keeping, cultural pride and social respect for art is always the safe haven for the black female artist fighting to leave behind a solid, respectable, posthumous legacy of fine art that will be honored , revered, cherished, preserved, referenced in the most dignified ways. It is something to think about as an artist in this digital era of DSP fodder. Making silly algorithmic music for quick gain could possibly result in being buried amongst data. “Break My Soul” is 100% a song that could bring up an ‘Error 404 File Not Found’ 500 years from now if anyone cares or even remembers to search for it. “Show Me Love” is eternal. You will be able to search and find it for AT LEAST the next 200m years of music tech. “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston has at the very least a 100bn year shelf life. I’d reckon “212” will have a 400m year posthumous shelf life. Beyoncé has yet to create a song or project that anyone will want to hear more than maybe 70 years after she is gone. Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” will outlive us all. Beyoncé needs to get serious about her legacy.

-Azealia Banks via IG

[thesinglesjukebox]

THE WEEKND - "DANCING IN THE FLAMES"

Now rank "Dancing in the Sheets"!

[5.23]

Harlan Talib Ockey: Dancing in the Dark > Dancing in the Street > Dancing in the Flames > Dancing in the Moonlight. [4]

Alfred Soto: An OK example of Abel Tesfaye's rattling electro-pop, though I get no hint from the singing and the arrangement that he has any acquaintance with flames except what he sees at the end of a lit joint. [6]

Katherine St. Asaph: Juddery synthpop that's peppy and soulless and fine. The challenge with music that evokes actual danger -- e.g., the Weeknd's offerings until "Can't Feel My Face" -- is that it requires constant, believable escalation to work; Abel fumbled those stakes sometime around Kiss Land. Music that evokes fake simulacra of danger, though, can stay the same forever and be just fine. [6]

Dave Moore: You know, the Weeknd turned into Spotify playlist wallpaper so gradually I didn't even notice. [4]

Taylor Alatorre: You have to listen a second time to recognize that Abel has just given us a bimbofied reskin of "Understanding in a Car Crash," and you have to listen a third time to recognize that no, of course he hasn't; whatever highfalutin' concept this ends up buttressing on the album, the shattered glass imagery is really only there to cover his candy apple melodies in the thinnest latex coating of Old Weeknd edge. "Love," "beautiful," "radio," "switching lanes": those are the words that stand out amid the streaks of passing tail lights and the rush of oncoming wind. They are footholds of pop familiarity, mental permission slips for the listener to kick back and let the jet-propulsion synths carry them to the next highway mile marker. Any loss of control is only nominal -- this is cruise control working as the good Ralph Nader intended. The Weeknd puts in studio hours to dutifully turn out yet another "Blinding Lights" variation, and we forgive him because the almighty driving song (much like the teenage tragedy song) is not a thing to be reasoned with, only turned off or fully locked into. Which side of the windshield are you on? [7]

Ian Mathers: He should have pivoted (pivoted back to?) full-on synthpop sooner, honestly -- this feels like his best chorus since, what, "Blinding Lights"? So many of the last [x] number of Weeknd songs and appearances have felt tedious or fraught in various ways; it's a surprising relief to hear one where I mainly just want to hum along. [7]

Hannah Jocelyn: The last line of this chorus is a meme in a Discord server I'm in (god I feel so "how do you do fellow kids" saying that, I'm 27!), but even after hearing this multiple times, when someone says "it's unremarkableeee" I still can't piece together what they're referencing. As someone who was teased for liking Coldplay in high school while other kids were getting into the Weeknd, it's incredibly funny that the two have converged: with its oohs and kitschy synths "Flames" could have fit on Moon Music.  [3]

Will Adams: Close enough: welcome back CHVRCHES. [6]

Nortey Dowuona: The Weeknd is a lithe, agile vocalist who comfortably floats atop the tenor range, but the song he gave producers Max Martin and Oscar Holter needs to soar into the heady, vacant stare of the hypnotized, then fly into the focused, intense glare of the excited. They needed to cast a glowing spotlight upon his voice that doesn't expose its lack of depth or power, but also doesn't isolate it in a way that makes it clear the music accompanying is meant to be incidental. So they settled for a simple kick/snare/kick pattern and a bland bassline that lurks beneath the heavy cloud of synthesizers, which seize the bridge to make their play for attention. They do their job. Unfortunately, the lyrics The Weeknd wrote are so vapid that their careful work is completely wasted -- at least, if you are paying real attention. If you in fact heard this while crashing, my condolences: you will survive, thus hearing "Out of Time" instead when you get driven home. [3]

Mark Sinker: There’s a rhythm shape that seems to be all over the place at the moment: two measures, one of two long syllables, the second of four short syllables. Poetry nerds would calls this a “spondee” followed by a “tetrabrach,” and I’m getting technical only because I had to hunt around for “tetrabrach,” which makes me think it’s rare (or anyway used to be). This is what gives the chorus its push-push-push feel: I – CAN’T – WAIT (to-see-your) FACE – CRASH – WHEN (we’re-switching), etc. I associate it with Taylor Swift -- which may not be fair, I don’t suppose she invented it. Even more unfair, maybe, is me associating it with childishly sulky foot-stamping, but that’s what it sounds like to me. It adds a curious and not very likeable flavour to the perky beat of this already quite anxious song.   [5]

Andrew Karpan: I’ve long stopped liking using iPhones, or even many of Apple’s products generally, but I remain attracted to the faint nostalgia for a time when that felt like the future. The same can be said of the Weeknd, whose latest piece of heartpounding softpop kitsch doubles as an advertisement for the iPhone 16 Pro. But that's okay, I'll still keep drinking that garbage. [7]

Jel Bugle: Coming on like a latter-day Cher, like a popstar from the algorithm. A very easy-listening modern pop tune, and I did enjoy it. We still need things that are safe and sound like now, the past and forever. [7]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Dazzling — the legendary showman and pop icon unveils himself, shedding layers of artifice and mystique. He is free now, untethered to the personas of the past. He is revealed anew, fresh in the light of dawn, as his final form: the most boring man alive.  [3]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[lunapaper]

Album Review: 'The Album' - Jonas Brothers

The year was 2018. Drake was at the top of the charts. All the cool kids were eating Tide pods. And Justin Timberlake released Man of the Woods... 

Dubbed by the singer as ‘Modern Americana with 808s,’ Timberlake went all in with the woodsy aesthetic, donning rugged plaid and baptising himself in a river in the album trailer. He even served grasshoppers and ants coated in black garlic and rose oil be the listening party in NYC. It was all very bumpkin bourgeois. 

The music itself, of course, didn’t quite match the aesthetic. Sure, you had funk-fuelled hoedowns like ‘Midnight Summer Jam’ and country-tinged ballads like ‘Livin’ Off the Land’ and ‘Say Something’ (featuring Chris Stapleton). But for all its dancing in circles and do-si-dos, it didn’t stray’ too far from Timberlake’s signature RnB-infused pop, roping in longtime collaborators Timberland and Pharrell on tracks like the squelchy and much-maligned ‘Filthy’ and the rather vapid ‘Supplies,’ the latter featuring some of the worst sex metaphors ever committed to song (‘Cause I’ll be the light when you can’t see/I’ll be the wood when you need heat/I’ll be the generator, turn me on when you need electricity). 

Why do I bring this up? ‘Cos the Jonas Brothers, in the year of our Lord 2k23, have released their very own Man of the Woods (or should I say Men of the Woods). 

Donning flannel shirts and backed by rugged desert landscapes, the trio dig into their childhood influences to make a rather cynical attempt at ‘down-home’ earnestness on their latest album, The Album (not just any album but The Album), offering the kind of snapshots of dull domesticity and #blessed messaging you’d find on a passive-aggressive soccer mum’s Insta feed. 

On the right day, you could probably find yourself bopping along to first track ‘Miracle’ and its swirling bass groove as you cruise down the highway, the breeze blowing through your hair. But then you hear the shoutout to Jersey and the spiritual-lyrical-miracle level rhyme scheme, and it just pulls you right out, not to mention how Nick turns the Adam Levine-style falsetto up to 100. 

The slippery bass and retro shimmer of ‘Wings’ owes a lot to Toto’s ‘Hold the Line,’ offering up such syrupy sentiments as ‘You are the one, the sun, the light of day/You are the wings I need to fly away.’ ‘Sail Away’ is not a Styx cover, but a sleek yet inoffensive number built around an obvious Enya interpolation that has the nerve to rhyme ‘transcendental’ with ‘mental.’  

Tracks like ‘Montana Sky’ and ‘Americana’ (of course) would feel right at home on Man of the Woods or that other Justin’s record, Justice, combining ample funk grooves with chill guitar pop, while psychedelic finale ‘Walls’ (featuring purveyor of fine corn Jon Bellion crying ‘AS WE PROCEED!’ over the outro) goes down the Harry Styles route, cribbing from classic rock and passing it off as something profound. 

As the title seems to suggest, The Album is a rather lazy album: Most songs barely make the three-minute mark, either ending abruptly or fading halfway through their runtime. Yet each one has no less than 10 writers, including ‘Celebrate!,’ a nauseatingly chipper Vegas fantasy that makes almost anything on Panic! At The Disco’s Viva Las Vengeance sound like Mötorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ in comparison. 

It’s cliché after cliché after cliché: ‘Little Bird’ is a delicate ode dedicated to Nick’s young daughter yet has all the depth of a Hallmark card (‘Walked down the aisle, breakin' my heart/Lay down my pride, I know I gotta let you go’). On ‘Vacation Eyes,’ the bros are passing the dutchie and sippin’ on a lil’ something by the beach against a breezy sonic backdrop filled with Stevie-style harmonica and sparkling yacht rock. I almost expected Michael McDonald to jump in with those dulcet Michael McDonald tones. 

‘Summer in the Hamptons,’ meanwhile, sounds like something only upper-class WASPs can afford to do. Seriously, is there anything whiter than fucking in the Hamptons? 

The Album has got to be one of the whitest albums I’ve hears in years, even whiter than Man of the Woods. It’s blindingly white. It’s sweater vests, boat shoes and beige chinos, luxury 4WDs, franking credits and mother’s pearls. It’s a slice of Wonder White topped with a dollop of mayonnaise. The Album is very much Down with the Whiteness (ooh wah ah ah ah!) 

And then there’s the ‘Waffle House’ song. Coated in a bright, greasy shine, the brothers Jonas reminisce about nights spent trying to kill each other, then later hashing things out over some pork chops and hash browns (Yes, I looked up the menu) at said American institution. Which is kind of ironic, ‘cos from what I’ve seen on social media, Waffle House seems to be the place where most fights in America start.  

With its perfect harmonies and sparkling, upbeat synths, it’s ready-made for a national ad campaign. I’m not even American, but I better see some wholesome, God-fearing white family laughing together over some waffles in the restaurant's next TV commercial. Imagine: ‘Have the urge to kill your brother? Hash it out at the Waffle House with our 2 for 1 Hash Brown Surprise Deal, available for a limited time…’) 

The Album is… an album, I guess? Songs come and go with little fanfare, feeling rushed and incomplete. The JoBros’ vocals (JoBrocals?) are flat and eerily compressed while the production is painfully dull and generic, hidden behind a hard and impenetrable gloss. Bellion, meanwhile – who co-produced the record, along with Pete Nappi, Tenroc and six others - proves an overbearing presence, whether he’s providing additional vocals or other chintzy sonic touches, seemingly eager to craft something as empty and as soulless as his own corporate-approved pop. 

The Album is as hollow as it is bland, specially designed for diehard fans, future ad campaigns and the aforementioned soccer mums. I still believe that The JoBros peaked with the stone cold classic that is ‘Burnin’ Up’ (which featured a rap verse from the brothers’ bodyguard Big Rob), so The Album is clearly not the album for me…  

- Bianca B.