#its the same thing w like suicidal thoughts and stuff

[my-chemical-aromance]

Sometimes I forget depression is a real thing. Like, I’m so used to it just being thrown around as a synonym for sad or as something quirky (“depresso expresso” type shit) that I forget, this is a real thing I struggle with. I find myself wondering, what’s wrong with me? only to remember, yeah, major depressive disorder is what’s wrong with me.

[squareanon]

.

[enden-k]

Just out of curiosity, if the things were to be reversed (fear Vika/human Saran), what do you think Vika's characteristics would be? I'm intrigued! Do you think their personalities might change? Maybe Saran would be less closed off? The fear itself (you mentioned it was like phobias? Iirc?) Would change?

Totally not trying to get you to talk more about lore and what goes behind fears/Saran turning into one, no sir-

"fear" is just the term used for any type of paranormal being that manifests due to intense negative energy (most often resentment, anger, hatred, sorrow,...) : theyre ranging from ghosts of deceased, manifestations of fears and phobias, nightmares and spirits etcetc and some are harmless and neutral (they can always evolve into smth evil tho) while others are harmful and evil

saran is not a phobia/fear manifestation like mogu is for example; hes a special case of vengeful ghost who went through a mutation (dont wanna disclose too much or i spoil a good chunk)

if their roles would be reversed...thats such a fun question!!! i think i might do an AU of it even AHHAKJSBCK i thought up a whole changed, alternative storyline now

warning for tiny (non descriptive tho) suicide mention, just in case

if their roles would be reversed, half of it would basically be like "if saran didnt die" scenario. their reversed story wont go exactly like the canon story goes tho bc theres no vengeful saran, no fear seeker eyes, no azais questionable methods

sarans life would go exactly how it did before his death (just the 7 years later, in the current present); hes in his early 30s, finished his studies to become a doctor and doing the amygdala stuff as a side job as azais partner since he still refuses to mingle w the ghost world again tooooo much bc of his upbringing in the cult (he always wanted to be just a normal guy instead of constantly interacting with the paranormal)

amygdala isnt a big exorcist organization like it is in canon story but rather a smaller group of exorcists now (basically, just one elite now instead of 10). azai and saran never had the argument that led to his death and azai didnt go the villainous route (lol) which makes saran still one of the only ones who can see the unseen all clear like he sees the living (like in canon story when he was alive)

which also makes him the first to notice and see vika who is a sorrowful sad puppy ghost full of regret bc he was enticed into suicide by an entity and still young and new to the whole paranormal world. its the first time saran feels for a ghost and doesnt exorcise them. vika ends up haunting him instead of the other way around (bc of course they fall in love with each other <3 in every universe) and sticks to him while saran keeps an eye on him to make sure his pure soul wont get corrupted and he ends up an evil ghost. he wants vika to have the chance to enjoy the life that was ended so quickly so early (vika is around the same age as canon) and vika wants him and only him to exorcise him before sarans life comes to an end one day

basically, less dramatic than canon story i guess? just saran and his puppy of a sorrowful ghost living a more or less domestic life bc theres no amygdala doing shady shit in the background and no certain vengeful spirits eating eyes and trying to take revenge kajscbjk

their personalities are still the same, altho saran has less of a "creepy evil" side since hes no evil ghost anymore and vika is even more puppy i think??

[holmesxwatson]

The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes dir: Billy Wilder, 1970

I only watched The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes for the first time a few days ago but it lights my brain up in that special way that I know I’ll revisit it a lot. Don’t get me wrong, it’s far from perfect, for one thing Colin Blakely’s Watson is a little too shouty for me, but it’s very worthwhile to check out despite its shortcomings, which I think mostly come from the fact that so much was cut from the intended script.

I absolutely love Robert Stephens as Holmes. His face is so good, he has a way of looking at Watson when he doesn’t know he’s being observed that is very soft. I thought I was hallucinating the beginning of this movie with Holmes telling the ballet dancer he’s gay and in a relationship with Watson. I thought it was going to be played for a joke, and it was a bit, but it didn’t just end there. Holmes and Watson have a conversation about the repercussions in a lengthy scene that turns very serious by the end. I can’t believe this was 1970 and no one has since tried to build on this specific dynamic in a more meaningful way. Someone needs to remake this into a mini-series exactly how Billy Wilder intended it to be, here’s hoping public domain can make it so.

[above: script page from the cut story The Curious Case of the Upside Down Room, where Watson creates a fake case to make Holmes feel better]

Also, the backstory of the making of this film is so out of control: Robert Stephens’s nervous breakdown and suicide attempt during the production, the amount of years Billy Wilder was trying to write it and get it made, the interference of ACD’s son, the Loch Ness monster prop that the crew lost in actual Loch Ness, the immense scope of the episodic story they were going for, the way it got cut down from its original 3 hour 45 minute runtime and how that cut footage was lost forever! (this is crazy! everyone go check your attics and storage lockers right now).

In one of the interviews I found, Robert Stephens says “if something is boring — if it’s three minutes long it’s too long, but if it’s interesting it’s never long enough…you don’t want it to end.” Big same Toby Stephens’ dad, big SAME. I didn’t want it to end. I read the uncut script and I am just floored at what we missed out on. Thankfully some footage and audio remain of some of the cut scenes (but still! check your basements too).

Just fully let it settle into your brain that they filmed all of these stories in the script, and then cut most of it away. Like that is mind-blowing to me, it existed at one point as it was fully intended to be. If this was made now during home entertainment times, they would have no problem releasing an almost four-hour movie, but at the very least there would be a big director’s cut dvd release and we would be enjoying all the small Holmes x Watson moments we deserve.

Anyway, in pretty short order I found a bunch of interesting links to stuff, details below. I also consulted my very well-thumbed Conversations with Wilder book by Cameron Crowe, but there wasn’t that much more information in there. I have Robert Stephens’ memoir Knight Errant and the TPLOSH blu-ray on order so I’ll add to this post if I find any more good resources. Let me know if I’m missing anything, and enjoy!

Full movie on YouTube (x) <-update: this link went private, but it's also streaming for free on Tubi and Freevee, and available to rent on YouTube, Google Play, and Apple TV

Original roadshow draft of script on Internet Archive (x)

Missing footage: Prologue [sound only plus stills] (x), The Curious Case of the Upside Down Room [sound only plus stills] (x), The Dreadful Business of the Naked Honeymooners [footage and soundtrack only, no sound dialogue] (x), alternate ending [sound only] (x)

Making of documentary that includes behind-the-scenes snippets of some of the cut scenes [this doc is in German, but you can turn on the auto-translate to English in the YouTube settings] (x)

Interview with Ernst Walter, film editor of TPLOSH (x)

Interview with Christopher Lee “Mr. Holmes, Mr. Wilder” 2003 (x)

My YouTube playlist with all of the above links in one place plus an excellent fan vid by Just Bee that I added to the list because it’s just so good (x)

Missing Movies: A Case for Sherlock Holmes from 1994 BBC Radio 2 on Soundcloud [includes interview with Robert Stephens and folks involved in the production] (x)

Articles about the lost Loch Ness monster prop (x) (x)

The soundtrack by Miklós Rózsa (x)

[clownmoontoon]

RAAAAHHH HELLO ITS BEEN A MINUTE!!! \OUO/

YOUR FAVORITE CLOWN IS BACK IN BUSINESS ive been quiet a while, a LOTS been going on in my personal life that brought my social medias to a complete (and unfortunate ToT) standstill til now!

i rlly wanna talk about it, its been honestly life changing and for safety i need to add some warnings:

cw for abuse both physical and emotional, and suicidal thoughts/ideation (dw im ok and not suicidal! i used to be and i finally have real context as to why)

ANYWAYS LETS TALK ABOUT IT

i got the opportunity to see a therapist for free for the first time since i was a kid and it was IMMENSELY eye opening.

SOME CONTEXT: ive lived with just my mother since i was a teenager as i tried to "make it" as an artist. ive had my ups and downs w this career goal and have been heavy in the midst of a very big Down period. entirely brought on by how sick i was at the start of the year to june (infected lymph nodes, pneumonia, 2 pounds of tumors in my uterus that required the removal of the organ entirely etc, i may have a weak immune system im realizing sdlkjd) which resulted in me having very little energy to create and/or post content. by july i needed to basically start over. which i was excited to do! i WANTED to get back to work and i was even excited for art fight! ;u;

aaaand in july is when my mom thought would be a good time to threaten to kick me out unless i found money to give her or got a "real" job. this came as an extreme and horrifying shock as i had just asked her the month before to "believe in me just a little longer" as i finally felt i realized what id been doing wrong all these years before and felt strongly i could succeed before the end of the year, she not only emphatically agreed but even said i didnt need such a time limit and she definitely didnt mind supporting me til i reached my dream lol i couldnt even do anything until july bc i was busy recovering from major surgery, coming home with tape on my stomach to heal the incision that hadnt fully closed yet

ive wanted to see a therapist for ages bc im Full O' Trauma and i knew it would help. The way this worked was basically like getting a free trial, i got six days of therapy (to be spread out as far as i liked) thru zoom.

i used the visits more for getting advice on how to reach my goals thru mental blocks and exhaustion bc ultimately i felt like 6 days wasnt enough time to get into trauma stuff and i really just wanted to get my career off the ground again, hopefully permanently.

i had vented a tiny bit about my mom and by the final visit w my therapist i decided to forgo the "how to better reach my goals" questions and ask if she had advice on how to handle someone like my mother, who i had to live with and rely on and who would often say something cruel whenever the mood struck. as i told her about my situation she stops me and asks

"do you hear yourself? bc i hear you"

and im suddenly so scared shes going to tell me the same, "get a real job" "stop acting so selfish" etc

instead she says, "this is abuse, youre literally describing an abusive relationship"

i was in complete shock

i even asked her how could i be the one being abused when i was the one using the resources and she compared it to a person getting married to someone rich and that rich person treating them like theyre worthless for not also making money.

it shook me to my core especially bc my mom loved calling me an abuser and comparing me to her abusive ex husbands (one of which used to abuse her physically, punch her/beat her etc) and saying im just like them

for the record ive never laid a hand on her, she would say these things whenever the mood struck, often out of nowhere

once bc i told her i couldnt read her mind and didnt know what she wanted lol wild

ANYWAY after this conversation i started looking back on my life and realizing why ive always felt so worthless, why i thought until my early 20's that suicide would be the best option for everyone. i was so exhausted from chasing this dream and feeling like such a worthless burden, my mother would get so angry with me for just existing and i felt like she would be so much happier if i were out of the picture, my sisters (both a decade older and living w their own families) calling me a leech and selfish for "using" our mother etc

any time i would stand up for myself, kindly and meekly as i could my mother would tell me how she wanted to punch my mouth, slap my face etc for years i thought she'd eventually fly into such a rage one day that she'd kill me and... i honestly didnt really mind the thought once while in high school my mom picked me up for lunch and offered to pay for a prom dress. i told her that it was ok, i knew she was struggling w money rn and i didnt really wanna go to prom anyway she flew into such a rage she pulled over on the highway just to pull my hair and beat me, and then dropped me back at school to finish my day lol

realizing that all of that IS NOT OK OR A NORMAL WAY TO FEEL OR BE TREATED AND I DEFINITELY DIDNT DESERVE ANY OF THAT was extremely eye opening

i told my best friends what my therapist had said and they were both like YEAH... DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU HAD AN ABUSIVE MOTHER??

apparently it was very obvious ^^; my friends were shocked to find that i thought everything was my fault, my therapist even used the term "gaslighting narcissist" to describe her which was WILDLY VALIDATING for me lmao

sitting w all these thoughts whirling around my head my mom texts me suddenly and tells me to ask my sisters for money (13 hundred dollars lol) bc she needs it for "bills"

i didnt want to do that at all she told me to "use my big words" to convince them and not to say it was her idea, but instead to act like i was asking bc i wanted to

it felt gross and made my skin crawl and honestly didnt even make sense bc WHY would i need that money so i asked but let my sisters know it was my mom asking and said she prob felt embarrassed to ask, while telling my mom that i asked in the way she wanted

my oldest sister makes good money and has helped our mom w money in the past. she texted me back asking why our mom needed money and why 1300 and i told her honestly i didnt know, i asked my mom what to say and she said to tell her she had an itemized list but she left it at work and couldnt remember what was on it lol

my sister told me to tell our mom that she couldnt help rn, so i did and my mom encouraged me to push harder to my other sister

suddenly the sister i had been talking to texts me and says that our mom left her a voicemail saying she doesnt know WHY i would ask for money, must be bc she threatened to kick me out bc i never help her with money :,( which was WILD bc any time i had money my mom would get most if not all of it, i havent been able to save money since ... ever tbqh, even when i tried my mom would successfully guilt every dollar from me letting me know i didnt deserve to save a penny after all shes done for me aaAA

ANYWAY i was so angry and hurt that my mom would just throw me under the bus i told my sister i had proof i wasnt lying (bc she was already inclined to believe our mother since they both considered me a leech to start with) and sent her screenshots of my texts

she was shocked and hurt too i decided to tell her about my therapy and how my therapist had called our mom an abuser and she answered that she understands more than ill ever know... which is very sad hjghfgf

we havent really talked more since and i deleted my texts to the other sister, more likely than not my mom sent her a similar voicemail

im very tired

i want to get out of here, im finally seeing this relationship for what its been for years and years, even back to when i was a little kid! i didnt know about suicide but id dream of being an animal in the wild bc i felt like if i were just out of the picture everyone at home would be less angry

its something that enrages me now tbqh ive tried all my life to be as little of a burden as possible and now im ready to be a problem LMAO :o)

the long and short of it is that i will be posting art sales and opening my patreon FINALLY to try and save up funds to get out of here ive also gotten a part time job on weekends for a little cushion tho some of that money will inevitably go to my mother, unfortunately

she doesnt know about the money i make online :o)

my family has constantly called me selfish, entitled and spoiled for just asking for common decency and to be treated like a person, theyve dehumanized me to the point that my greatest coping mechanism was creating a creature sona that isnt human but a monstrous equivalent lol AND I LOVE THEM IM EMBRACING CREATURE LETS FUCKIN GO

i know this has been long and if youve made it to the end i love u and im so thankful for your support!! ;u;

FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!! i want to come back full force, i havent stopped drawing at all, just havent had the energy to do much til now

my therapist even pointed out that i probably WOULDVE had at least moderate steady success by now if it werent for my mom's constant abuse

OH ALSO I NOW HAVE FOUR CATS LMAO a stray i had been giving water to and keeping safe from weather things (extreme heat, extreme cold etc) had her kittens here! and my mom gave me the ok to keep them all ;u; (and then ofc rescinded that but thats hardly a surprise now lol) and man, having kids cats sure changes your perspective on what u want and feel like you deserve! I NEED TO DO WELL BC THESE KITTIES DEPEND ON ME AND I LOVE THEM QVQ <3<3

SO YEAH IM BACK BABY IM GETTING THE HELL OUTTA HERE ASAP AND CONCENTRATING ON MY WELL BEING AND MENTAL HEALTH!! 😤🔥

[stonerskinny]

why does alcohol have so many cals 😭

weighed at 277 just now, it really is crazy what a single 💩 and a nap will do for you LMAO

now do i want to risk ruining that w alc and possible binging or do i just go back 2 sleep and be good

i’m 22hrs into this fast meaning if i skip going out and having fun i can take my sleep meds and probably get to 36hrs easy but i can also see the scenario where they just don’t kick in and i end up binging anyway plus i just was aiming for 18hrs

ugh why are there so many ways this could go

the switch is flipping actively, i think. who knew i just needed to get out of the cycle for a night.

i feel like i have something to prove. which i hesitate to admit, but it’s true. apparently when all your friends are restricters and your entire ed is just you failing at restricting, theres some interesting shame stuff that comes up LOL sometimes i just feel like a lazy gross piece of shit compared to everyone in my life because i am like this unhinged fucking glutton and everyone else has the discipline i’d commit war crimes to have

i feel like a wannarexic sometimes which i basically am

i just want to do something right and the only thing i care about is this which i am royally terrible at. sometimes it’s like all i know how to do is eat, doesn’t matter that i purge because im so big.

you know i’m gonna have to lose just over 2/3 my body weight to get to where i wanna be. that’s a lot of fucking weight and there’s no way i end up without loose skin so basically im fucked if i lose to where i wanna be, and fucked if i go crazy and decide to recover because i’ll still be huge. maybe if i actually worked out i wouldn’t end up w so much loose skin or if i did this slowly but slowly pisses me off because my brain is all about that instant gratification

the longer i’m awake the more i want to binge fuck

but i know i will regret it. i knowwwww i will. because ill feel bloated and ill gain and it’ll fucking suck. or ill purge, one of the two. there’s no excuse for it though. this body does not need food, it has PLENTY of natural resources to live on lmao.

i wish i didn’t most likely have the hellscape combo of hypothyroidism + PCOS which both individually make weight loss hard and weight gain so easy. but at the same time i can’t erase my failure by crying about genetics, if i really wanted to get there i’d already have gotten there long ago so now im just wasting everyone’s time.

can u tell the suicidality came back so strong tonite lol

i wonder how many ppl actually read these monstrosities that i write. how many ppl actually absorb my thoughts. trippy

sometimes i think i don’t actually have an eating disorder at all because i am just so inconsistent with anything besides binging. which i know is its own ed but let my silly little rat brain have its moment.

also apparently i literally sleep like the dead bc my hr was 40 when i was sleeping earlier so that’s fun no wonder i wake up feeling like a fucking corpse every day

okay that’s all for now i’ll spare y’all the rest of my brain while i lay here and mentally debate the pros and cons of both trazodone and tequila

[crguang]

ahajsksbywpqp sat guess who has 2 tests in the same week in the same class next week. Not very fun for me. anyway I was think abt Kafka (honestly when am I not is the real question). See if it wasn’t Kafka in ur au and I was r I would definitely turn her in for the money, but I unfortunately think I might like Kafka just like a little bit ig so I don’t think k would be able to do that .

Reread part 3 today is her fingers twitching bc she wants to shoot something or is it just bc Kafka and her fingers. Ok thats not what I meant but also…what I meant was that she works with her fingers a lot I wish she used them on me instrument, guns, etc. we still haven’t gotten an in game Kafka appearance w an actual violin, it probably won’t happen but I’m still holding out. And she’s the highest threat level possible for a criminal but she STILL commits petty theft. She is so I saw someone say that the stellaron hunters were all siblings, Kafka and blade are like the older siblings that have to drive/pay for everything, silver wolf is the gamer (so original) and firefly is the youngest. Wish they had more in game interactions, or like they had synergy, meta wise, since canonically they’re one of the most tight knit groups.

oh also your inbox must be full as fuck so it’s fine if you don’t reply to everything, esp bc you answer a lot of stuff, and even tho someone already said this ur rlly great to talk to ur thoughts are always more coherent than mine. And we all get to simp over hot fictional women together.

ngl I might start playing ptn, like I’ve been seeing screenshots and…wow, I don’t think I have enough storage tho. I think the two types of characters I usually like are tiny mentally ill ones and hot evil women, so…

im so sorry my messages are always so long btw, I keep rambling 😭

-🌠

aaaa study well and good luck for your tests!!! hope you get a good grade and if u dint i will hack i to your prof’s computer and change it for you

im with you entirely, if it was anyone else in that story i wouldve already called the cops LMFAOOO kafka gets privileges because shes hot and my fav unfortunately… for the finger thing, i think its just one of her quirks! in her idle she mimics playing the violin and like you said she has very dexterous hands (even mentions it in a voice line) so i think she’d absentmindedly move them around when her mind is elsewhere. this is the kind of overthinking i was talking about, when i map out a character in my head i think about the most irrelevant stuff that dont matter😭 but imo they add to her charm a little and make her a rounder character, idk. AND YES i love that her crimes go from suicide inducement to petty theft shes so ridiculous hfjfhdhfj that time in her character story where she just walked in a store and took clothes off the rack then left in front of everyone… shes funny as hell😭

i see the SH as family too! silver wolf and firefly are sisters to me, and both of them are def kafka’s little sisters. i think silver wolf is the youngest though, she even gives off sassy youngest child vibes. i wish they could work together too, having them all in one team would be so nice. but it’s also cool that each of them has a speciality, it makes sense for the work they do

my inbox is full i think i have around 70 asks rn…😭 but to be fair a lot of them are veryyy old i just havent gotten around to cleaning up my blog yet, i’ll do it at the same time i change my masterlist and actually make it pretty to look at. i usually try to click on notifs as soon as i see them but like i said, i just forget to type my answers </3

and omg. anon. if your type is mentally ill and hot evil women ptn is literally the game for you. there is an abundance of mentally ill women in there, trust me… like there’s every kind of character you could want in that game— you could give me a specific type and i could find you a character that matches it, you should definitely play. and if you do, do it before the second anniversary ends (starts around mid/late-october) bc trust me you are gonna be upset if you miss shalom :/

dont worry abt ramblingggg i love talking to u and answering every point it’s really nice!!

[blueskiesfillmymind]

I should probably make an introduction post soo,, here goes!

Name - Whiskey / Iris

Pronouns - Any [Prefer He/They]

Labels - Bisexual + Pangender + Fictoromantic + Fictosexual!! Mild ADHD

F/Os - Blue [Blue's story - Main Sexual / Romantic?]

Kinito [Kinitopet - Platonic F/O]

Gregg / hh [hhgregg - 3rd Romantic F/O]

I like art and animation! I'm self taught and I've been improving all on my own! I have a yt channel under the name "WhiskeyTheWiz" I believe,, have fun watching !

TAKE NOTE: This is a PERSONAL blog with some of my PERSONAL thoughts, because I reblog things dosnt mean I want people to try and use any of my F/Os as a way to target me, but pLEASE- if you're a minor then I suggest you leave since not only does this blog contain sensitive topics

Aswell as my blog having uhm... not so safe for work stuff..?? I'm hypersexual so dont bash me pls ;w;

Blue's story is a gacha series on youtube by the creator "Victation", a french animator whose mostly famous because of his character "hal" and other ocs, but has since been cooking thanks to blue's story being his first mature step into spreading awareness on such a topic,

Blue's story is about a man named "Blue" who is a S/A [his office abusers: Pink / Red / Purple] and COCSA victim [Thanks to lavender, his older sister]

The series itself is about spreading awareness on such abuse and it can be quite sensitive if you choose to watch it, the topics obviously are about s/a but other such issues like

Suicide and how victims react and feel after said abuse, If you ARE sensitive to such topics I strongly advise you not to follow or interact with this blog, as I dont wish to trigger anybody nor start more discomfort about it, this blog may be a self shipping blog but I'm finding comfort in such, yknow?

DNI IF U SHIP BLUE X LILAC !!!! PLSPLSPLS ITS RLLY UNCOMFY IF U DO !!!

DNI IF YOU'RE A PRO/DARK/COM - SHIPPER- I feel uncomfortable with them is all,, I am super super sorry /gen!!

Blue is my beloved and forever will be, my beautiful blublu, he will never be afraid ever again, I'll protect him !!

Please be aware that I myself am a victim of s/a and I'd like to get the same respect,, either way I dont wish to cause discourse!! Let's be positive! Love you all !! /p

Now if you'll excuse me, my gorgeous blueberry requires sloppy make outs

[dogfishyapperrr]

personal thoughts/rant abt arcane season 2, now that everything’s over and done with. warning, its Long

this show had a lot of potential, and in season 2 i feel like the writers spread themselves out way too thin.

the number of plotlines and the complexity of them, the abandonment of the class divide narrative in favor of really outlandish concepts… it came out messy, and rushed. the main two characters(jinx and vi) that this series was supposed to revolve around had incredibly unsatisfying resolutions, imo.

while the whole jayvik thing was cool, and the visuals were stunning, it definitely feels like every other aspect of this show suffered in the process of fleshing that out. i was crushed when act 3 came out, and that’s coming from someone who was burying themself in the little details in a vain attempt to force it to grow on me. i really want to like this ending, i really do. but it feels so painfully incomplete, and the writers sacrificed good character development for insane lore inserts. for example i feel like they could have cut the black rose stuff entirely, it never went anywhere.

jinx, vi, and cait especially suffered from the writing.

jinx- the character that has endured such a massive volume of suffering, lost everyone close to her. made to believe that she is only remotely capable of destruction.

when isha was introduced, i was anticipating the start of a new beginning for jinx. a chance to prove to herself that she can be good, that her compassion will not lead others to their death. and then they threw that out the window with isha’s death, and jinx backslid dramatically. i was genuinely appalled. what was the point of introducing this character, a parallel of powder, a reminder for jinx of innocence and of connection, only to yank her away and leave her worse off than she’s ever been?? there was no improvement, no furthering to the plot. just pain for the sake of it. and then, as a cherry on top- after everyone in her life did their best to cheer her on, to remind her she is a human being capable of compassion- after ekko did everything in his power to keep her from pulling the pin on that bomb, she ends up dying anyway. and I Know, I Know, she likely didn’t ACTUALLY die. but she left everyone she knew anyways, because she believed nothing good would come of it.

i can see the vision the writers had, sorta. by leaving she’s “breaking the cycle”. but she never stopped believing that fundamentally, she is and always will be a jinx. all of that fodder for her arc amounted to nothing, and i just don’t know what to make of it. there was nothing to draw from it. there was no development. she is the same jinx she was in season 1, the only difference being that she is on good terms with vi lmao.

on to vi-

holy fuck jesus what happened?? to vi??? why was she never given the opportunity to be vulnerable with the guilt she carries, why was she never lifted out of the self-blame rhetoric? why was there never one moment where she was given a chance to heal?? she kept lapsing back into the same habits.

why did she switch up so quickly on cait the moment she confessed to having let jinx go? why didn’t it take LONGER for that relationship to mend? seriously, the rushing of the plotline here really affected her character development. god, i see the vision, i do, but it was so terribly executed. having sex w/ your girlfriend in your suicidal sister’s jail cell isn’t quite as “empowering” as they intended it to be, i fear 💀💀

i would have loved for vi to relinquish her feeling of responsibilities towards things out of her control, i would have loved for her to genuinely bare her emotions to caitlyn and TALK IT OUT. but it was all just so badly timed, so rushed, so shoddy, that it came off as insanely superficial. i see what they were going for, but the damage is done and it just isn’t Nearly as good as it could be.

now cait is a special case for me cause she’s been my fav since season 1. her perspective and role in the story as a person raised in a privileged background is quite important, as her actions have a domino effect of ramifications.

after act 1 aired, i was fully expecting a villain arc, and i was excited for it. i thought it was a wonderful way to give her some jarring character development- taking up a mantle that she can only bear by repressing her grief, doing scathing damage to the people of zaun in her pursuit of jinx. realizing, in a crushing epiphany, that vi was right and she is following the same spiral that jinx did. turning against ambessa when the time is right, sacrificing everything just to undo the damage, beginning a slow path to redemption.

all of that technically happened, except it was all downplayed so heavily that it sort of… fell flat. her redemption was similar.

although it is true that cait showed remorse through action (forgiving jinx, pursuing and aiding in ambessa’s downfall), she and vi, again, never got to talk. cait never verbally apologized, which despite the show-not-tell, i personally felt was very important. the fact that she never addressed her grief in a healthy environment(not just for her mother, but for jayce, a prominent brother figure) also felt wrong.

while i was hyped for the caitvi scene, i can say with honesty after seeing it that i would trade it for a scene of emotional intimacy, without hesitation. they needed to just talk, to start rebuilding trust. the fact that that all allegedly happened off camera just feels off to me.

all of this to say, how good or bad the writing is is subjective. but these are the reasons why I was upset with it. for a show marketed to be about the sisters, there was a marked lack of development for the sisters. idk. plus the “piltover/zaun uniting against noxus” thing felt soooo forced, it all happened so fast.

despite everything i can say for sure that the development for jayce, vik, ekko, and (to some extent) mel was pretty solid, despite my qualms. i wish i could be more attached to them cause then this wouldn’t hurt so bad :,)

[sonny-whorezik]

talking about that one call again and a bit graphic also mention of suicide

i wonder what the driver who hit the cyclist is goin through like. accident happened in the dark on a rural highway and the cyclist was not wearing anything reflective n got launched 25 feet off the road through barbed wire. i thought the case was a driver hit a deer real hard then wandered around outside w/ injuries and died. i did not expect to see a dude's foot crumpled to his thigh, back of his hand touching a barely there elbow of the same arm, cuts on his side so deep you could see everything, nearly decapitated with the cut traveling so low his lungs were exposed. at least he had his helmet on.

the driver was going to get his wife some ice cream. the cyclist was a professional probably destined to outlive us all with a wife n kids. its just a monday night. this time last year through february i thought a Lot about walking onto the highway, getting hit. was really weird seeing what i thought so hard about looking like presented in front of me surrounded by chunks.

when i worked at the funeral home when i was 21 we picked up a guy who hung himself from the medical examiner's office and within the week i tried the same thing. 25 now i see myself in all the younger deaths whether it be a hanging or gunshot, car accident, bed ridden 30 year olds, and i dont do anything about it. i remain functionally suicidal daily, accepted death early in life and just passing the time for when that day comes but i dont do anything about it. originally i got ideas from this stuff, now i remain as fascinated as ever and stain my shoes, go home to have a cigarette and pepsi, go to bed and do it again. its really odd. im in no means cured but i dont think ive ever engaged in so much life til my breakup and strangely im most alive surrounded by death.

[autistic-katara]

cw transphobia/cw suicide/rant

disrespectfully, if ur the typa parent who treats ur kid coming out as trans as “ur little girl/boy dying” or u “being in mourning” and especially if u talk abt that infront of/to ur trans kid fuck you.

“let them have emotions” no, fuck that. u can have feelings like that or whatever, i’m not trying to police ur thoughts but 1. acknowledge that u need to work on those feelings for the sake of ur kid and 2. keep those feelings to ur fucking self.

and if u absolutely HAVE to talk abt them, do it privately, when ur kid’s not around, when no other trans kid who might be in a similar situation could hear. if someone asks u if u feel like that when ur kid’s sitting right fucking next to u just lie, or at the very least tell them uve been working on it (which u better have been.)

because it makes it seem like u think ur kid’s transition is abt urself (which i sometimes wonder if u mfs do think that), and it makes ur kid feel like they cant explore their own feelings abt them feeling like they killed the little girl/boy they used to be, even if its not related to gender or being trans at all, heck, maybe ur trans son feels weird abt thinking he “killed the boy he used to be” bcz of smthn else like depression or smthn and he feels weird abt thinking that bcz u talked abt how u feel in mourning for his past self and it made him feel super icky (or vice verca w/ ur trans daughter or enby kid).

parts of this go for other insensitive shit u could say to ur kid during their transition (“i’m worried it could be a trend” “hormones/blockers r just so dangerous”, comparing medically transitioning to girls developing anorexia due to diet culture, etc.)

i’m sorry, i know i should probably be sympathetic to parents going through a kinda (and partially rightfully) scary change but if ur saying or doing shit that negatively affects ur kid, even if u didnt mean it that way fuck u, idgaf abt how u feel abt it, how u feel like u lost a child, how u hate ALL surgeries (but especially an unnecessary one), how after a few hours of facebook research ur worried it could be a trend, how ur worried that using their name/pronouns might confuse their younger siblings (who would probably easily understand a simple explanation with the option to ask questions after if explained right), i do not give one single fuck abt ur self-centred, uneducated worries.

you might have good intentions or whatever but this shit is gonna kill your child, i’m sorry. and if it doesnt kill them its gonna make them hate u, both now and when theyre actually able to medically transition and live on their own.

and honestly, even if they do figure out “oh hey, i’m actually just cis but with a kinda complicated relationship to gender” i promise u they arent gonna thank u profusely for bringing up the worry that theyre not actually trans or making their transition so much harder and slower, theyre gonna hate u for making them scared to question their gender anymore incase u turn out to be right and u think u did the right thing which would both feel shitty for them personally for obvious reasons but might also hurt their trans siblings or the trans kids whos parents might be in the same facebook group or whatever.

and theyre very much gonna hate u for overlooking their feelings, doing stuff they know u know makes them actively suicidal, and not caring enough to look at actual resources for parents trying to support their trans kids better, preferably written by a trans person themself, and instead go to, again, ur mommy facebook group where ur bsf posts terfy memes and abt how “she doesnt want her teenage daughters in the same bathroom as perverted men!” (both “daughters” also being trans boys who coincidentally are both insanely suicidal, cope in unhealthy methods, and talk shit abt their parents the moment the topic of them comes up) and where they fear-monger abt how ur young impressionable girls (and probably boys too) are being taken advantage of by the evil transgenderism movement and how its a social trend for them to mutilate their bodies, “just like how girls would starve themselves to fit in when we were teens!”, and thats in the rare chance that they DO detransition.

anyways idrk what else to say other than support ur fuckin trans kids as much as u can, do actual research to support them, or dont be shocked when ur child tries to kill themself and/or doesnt speak to u anymore when their older, and when that happens i hope the pain u feel is as bad as half the pain we feel from having to deal with ur self centred transphobic bullshit that makes it feel like our parents dont love us and just see us as dolls and see our struggles w/ dysphoria as small irritation that surgery and hormones would be unnecessary to fix, and if u make ur kid feel like that i cannot stress this enough: Fuck. You. because you are the reason the child ur supposed to love, care for, and protect feels like this and wants to kill themself. just fuck you.

[yuukei-yikes]

WAIT i was the vacation dream kanoshin anon but i just remembered an actual one i thought of myself not my subconcious but i somehow forgot about it-

in my delusions a route similar to the novel route is what gives us str (not mekakucity actors shh- canon isn't real if it's from mca), meaning Kano has his weird ass traumadumping session with ene and whatnot and ends up having to spill the beans to the rest of the dan INCLUDING shintaro not just shintaro casually vanishing-

anyways so this ends up with the same vibe as novel-route kano and shintaro which is like. i mean. kano literally describes shintaro as looking at him the same way he looked at ayano and that kano "can't win against him" like. 🤨

Yada yada everything w/ clearing eyes, similar fight to mca ish ( i like the idea of marry draining her friends of their life to save their lives it's interesting to me-) and wahoo ayano. hi. she exists now (with ofc haruka and hiyori too-) and obviously everyone's like HOLY SHIT. especially the mekutrio. and ESPECIALLY kano.

Like I imagine Kano has a much harder time wrapping his head around the fact Ayano's back since while the other two just saw her death as suicide, he knew what caused it / all the clearing eyes stuff so he couldn't really accept her death and move on, while the others (obviously heartbroken over it though) were able to accept it and grow, yea?

Well we get those feelings of "holy shit my sister is alive" but also mixed with these feelings of "oh fuck. i (very unfortunately) might have a thing for my sister's crush." and IMMEDITELY backs the fuck off from both of them. He doesn't ignore ayano obviously but he doesn't seek her out, and he just actively avoids shintaro. ayano's concerned but meanwhile shintaro's just kinda like. what the fuck did i do to you???

Anyways dunno how that gets resolved i never thought past just the idea that kano can barely handle these two facts alone (ayano is alive now and he might maybe like shintaro a little bit (ew)) but together? Fuck. He is Not thinking on that he is backing Way the fuck up. Nope. Not his circus not his monkeys (he is actually just the entire circus).

Anyways long story short when Ayano comes back and everything is resolved kano's unresolved grief over her death but also the budding crush he's developing on shintaro hit him with the force of a truck (haha) and he does Not know how to handle that so he just Doesn't

DUDE. YOU AND I. SAME BRAIN. LIKE THIS IS SO SPECTACULARLY ALL MY SAME FEELINGS RIGHT FROM DELUSIONALLY IMAGINING NOVEL ROUTE WITH A GOOD END AS MY IDEAL ROUTE AND MARY TAKING THE SNAKES HERSELF AND ALMOST KILLING EVERYONE AND KANO LIKING SHINTARO AND BEING SO FREAKED OUT HE BACKS OUT LEAVING SHINTARO CONFUSED BECAUSE HE THOUGHT THEY HAD WORKED EVERYTHING OUT IN THAT CONVO WHERE KANO COMES CLEAN TO KIDO AND HIM(AND TAKANE HERE TOO) sorry for yelling. i just get excited when i get same brain with someone. like exactly. EXAAAACTLY.

but for ayano i think kano is super close with her and he's constantly trying to go back the same relationship they had where ayano relied so heavily on him, especially bc kano wants to distract himself FROM himself so he wants to focus on how she's doing but ayano isn't gonna do what she did. she realised just how messed up it was putting kano through all that and she feels so responsible. ayano and kano are on this weird YOU CAN COUNT ON ME. NO U CAN COUNT ON ME. NO NOT ME COUNTING ON YOU, YOU COUNTING ON ME!!! constantly... imagine kano sitting through ayano go on and on about shintaro bc ayano can see kano wants her to rely on him so she's like well it doesnt hurt anyone if i just talk abt my crush. like its a thing she can stand talking abt and from her perspective kano will be satisfied just hearing her talk about anything she doesnt talk to anyone else. and kano sits through it like 😁😁😁(wants to explode into a million pieces)

also god the bit u mentioned abt kano saying shintaro smiled at him like how he used to smile at ayano. sorry like allow me to attach the whole thing because

☝️☝️☝️⁉️⁉️⁉️like what the fuck is this. WHAT WAS JIN THINKING WHEN HE WROTE THIS LIKE THIS IS SOOOO. homo. kano is so insanely homosexual for shintaro in the seventh novel like there are several examples it's amazing. anyways the "he's invincible" line i am particularly obsessed with and it's why i always insist kano has this weird thing where he's constantly trying to have the upper hand with shintaro while shintaro unknowingly and effortlessly outsmarts him just by being himself.

kano's feelings for shintaro are so complicated and full of resentment and he always wanted shintaro to be entirely horrible just to justify how he feels, but shintaro keeps proving he's a good person and kano keeps being unable to deny not only that but also that he LIKES him and even admires him. and it drives him so crazy.

meanwhile shintaro's feelings for kano are complicated bc 1. wtf does he hate me or not. 2. augh he's a guy im not gay. 3. my girlfriend(?)'s brother. like shintaro hating kano's guts back is funny but it's not the move like it's not true. shintaro wants nothing more than to get along with kano!!! everyone gets on shintaro's nerves and kano gets on everyone's nerves, so bc of this i understand the common misconception of shintaro hating kano back.

anyways shintaro is so clueless bc he thought they were ok?? they talked it out so it's fine?? he can't ever figure out kano's inconsistent behaviour. he decides that it's probably bc he's protective of ayano but he knows that's not all of it.

ugh ugh ugh. KANOSHIN FIRST KISS WHERE SHINTARO'S LIKE genuinely sad and confused and finally confronts kano like seriously what's the matter?? i thought we were cool already?? and kano's super dismissive like whaaa nothing omg of course we're best friends❤️ but shintaro isn't letting it go and kano is getting rly fed up bc his patience is SO short when it comes to shintaro which also pisses him off like why is he making me feel so out of my element like the best i do is LIE why does he drive me SO CRAZY. and then shintaro's like i just wanna know what can i do to make things ok!!!!! and its so genuine and he is just so earnest and pathetic looking kano kisses him impulsively.

anyways. kanoshin.

[wrightfamily]

omg 13, 17, 18, 21

why did it do this OK ANYWAY.

13 - worst blorboficiation

im assuming this means like being simplified or something like that but trucy </3 im gonna start BITING PEOPLE. same w any aa girl like please stop making them just match makers. i think also roxas from kh you dont know him but a big part of his story is that he is inexperienced with emotions and wants so badly to live his own life but because he deals with such intense grief near the end of his story for some reason people translated that anger into "roxas is only ever angry/intense emo/even actively suicidal" WHEN THAT IS NOT THE CASEEEEE

17 - there should be more of this type of fic/art

im always a big big big fan of the following: unseen scenes we know happened off screen, characters sleeping together (like naps and stuff), doing mundane shit in general, trying each other's style, i also like reading interpretations about a character's thoughts/feelings during a moment that dont get explored in their canon (like trucy with the forged card, or like something with a silent protagonist). anyway i will never tire of these. (also anything that explores female characters outside of male characters <3)

18 - it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

KATHERINE HALL AND JEFF MASTER FROM AAI2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY MAKE ME A LITTLE BIT TOO CRAZY!! also that some characters have complicated feelings about some things like. nick about zak i think everyone thinks he only 100% hates him but if u fucking paid attention HE DOESNT! ITS COMPLICATED! ARGHHH

21 - part of canon you think is overhyped

UM idk.. i think ive gotten a little bit sick of the forbidden hospital scene everyone fawns over (shoves what i said for 17) and also i think anyone who likes b**** *** penis needs to find a better character to fawn over

[rt-lots]

Joining in on the Ian and Rammy ask train… 🌂✏️ (and 🍎 specifically for Ian!)

TW for a fair bit of suicide talk!!!

umbrella - i assume this doesnt need an answer for both of them, bcuz they belong 2 the same story. i imagine ian and rammys story being a vidya game, and i guess itd b a psychological horror? which feels like, pretentious to say but the main scaries of the story are how much ians life sucks and he wants 2 die. so... i think itd count. thats all overarching stuff tho... most of ian n rammys time spent together is lightheared, i think. theyre two dudes hanging out and one of them is slowly coming to terms with the fact his suicidal thoughts won. whatever genre that is

pencil - WAHHH it depends a lot of the time... ian and rammy have definitely made a big resurgence in my brain recently (past month) bc im 18 and can post bout em, but also just cuz i love them sooo much and want to chew on them constantly. id say i write abt/draw them pretty frequently tho!! i doodle them on my school work and in notebooks a lot and they have some of the bigger galleries on my toyhouse lawl. i dont write much directly for their universe, but ive typed... many paragraphs to my friends just braindumping the shit i think about them. so, yeah, less often than id like, but theyre up there in my priorities of ocs :3

apple (for ian) - GRAHHHHHHHHHHH u dont know what demons uve unleashed w this. i already twed this post for suicide but im gonna move this part under the cut bc mentioning ians dad specifically ties a lot into the suicide aspect of the story

OKAY SO. ians family consists of his mom, sister, and him. his dad was in the picture when he was a little kid, like early elementary age, but ditched after some time. his relationship with both parents was relatively normal, they definitely couldve done a better job raising him, but they were never intentionally hurtful nor did they scar him at all. (well, correction, his MOM didnt scar him at all)

after ians dad left, though, his side of the family still kept in touch... they gave very flimsy reasonings for his fathers absence, why he couldnt make it to holidays, why he wasnt saying all these things directly, etc. it kept things strained and tense as the family knew things were being kept from them but never got to know why. the last interaction ian ever had w his dads side of the family was on his 18th birthday, where his uncle gifted him a silver handgun with his name carved into the handle. it was a hollow attempt to connect with ian, a display of violent masculinity that ian would later use to try and take his own life.

i dont have it fully figured out what this *means* for ians character, but its something i go insane about. ians only memories of his dad are him doing stereotypical masculine dad things w him, like fishing. maybe he didnt interact w ian ass if he was his child, but if he was his son, and that improper socialization is part of the reason he hates himself- why the gun is what kills him. but... i dunno really. ians social anxiety, addiction, and general collapsing in on himself are cuz of a life time of mental illness that went unchecked until he successfully isolated himself to the point no one *could* care, not just cuz daddy give him gun.

okay! that is NOT what u asked at all but now u know it. hehehe. of course ian and rammys story is a big wip forever so excuse me for any side tangents and/or general plot points w loose ends

but! as for his actual relationships w family (ill include sister since his relationship w mom isnt rlly fleshed out yet):

he and his mom havent spoken in 6 years, nor have he and his sister. he slowly faded out of their lives when he moved away, partly out of a subconscious desire to isolate and partly due to just not having the social confidence or energy to maintain regular communication w his family. his mom is the first person he talks to when he escapes his Puter, and she's his rock in his remaining months of recovery. shes very underdeveloped as a character atm, but what is certain is she tries her hardest to understand her sons struggles and support him, offering to pay for therapy for him. ian loves his mommy lalala

ian and his sister are... dddifferent. ian also had an average relationship w his sister, but shes a lot more upfront with him when it comes to talking about how his 6 year absence effected her than their mom. their mom, while wanting her children to seek help for their respective struggles, doesnt really want to actively talk about those things with them. shes terrified of saying the wrong thing, and it doesnt help that she doesnt even have a clue what *to* say. ians sister, though, isnt afraid to tell him "hey man we fucking missed you. your absence hurt a lot because i didnt have any friends either, and i wish we couldve had eachother. jackass" post main-story they are friendly and hang out. during his time w rammy, ian does talk about his thoughts on his sister before he left, that being that shes a "crazy bitch"... family <3

[ojirocardigansniper]

30, 34, 38, and B for blink !

Tahnks for blowing up my whole shit ian i love you.

30. Who do they most regret meeting? 

the second i saw 30 was this i said outloud OH FUCK. onehit kill. can't be any answer other than her best friend. they are pair bonded like parrots (Tragic). girl meets boy because her job is going to be listening for response from the gods he's killing himself to communicate with, and her job is going to be watching him die, teaching the next one to die, and the next, until her drowning day finally comes. she met his predecessor in uer end stages of sickness, so she knows how it will look for him. No matter how much she loves him or how many times she can get away with dumping out his ritual cup, he's committed to what he's doing, what he's been raised to do... so yeah, she regrets meeting him. not that she thinks of it as something she chose to do, seeing as it's all divine-vision-scraps that brought her there. but when she still sometimes wishes for another life for them, often she thinks separate lives would have the best chance of peace.

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

mm. impossible really. survivor's guilt alchemized into rage at who seemed responsible, but it's still there. she feels simultaneously that she doesn't deserve the losses she's suffered, and that she's still here and alive. there's also insanely complex guilt around everything with her partner's slow ritual death and the death of their mentor the same way. the struggle between prolonging the suffering overall versus staving the worst of it off now. (under my breath) the phrase Quality of Life is not part of their lexicon and it shows . whats that hospice by the antlers you say ? something something shiva4shiva? noooo haha whattt

38. What memory do they revisit the most often?

ah jeez. ah fuck. hard to say. technically i suppose memories of her death (past visions of it) but that's not voluntary. unconsciously i think she very often revisits childhood memories of her brother- always has fragments of them floating about without realizing. one of her core unfulfilled needs is that close companionship she lost back then- she's been trying to fill that hole ever since, no matter if she does so on purpose. i'm really trying to think of things she would consciously try to remember and. mostly coming up with 'tonguing the hole in the gum' type things. don't forget the pain of this or you'll stop letting it drive you. (kicks a rock) she's in my personal bouquet of wretched girlies with baru cormorant for a reason...

B) What inspired you to create them?

time honored tradition of fandom au that got out of fucking hand 🫡 haikyuu au with the highschool bestie, we cooked up a big kingdoms+fantasy setting thru like 2016-2018 and then i continued going feral over a handful of characters that lived rent free in my mind for the next. three years ish? before i finally was like ok i should make it official and stop calling these bitches the names of anime characters. For ayirine specifically some of her core traits have been there since the beginning (foresight, dead twin, death by drowning, kills her best friend) but since filing off serial numbers i transed her gender and made her more actively suicidal (its themes. sorry) and REALLY WEIRD re: her religious convictions. also structurally she's become a prequel tragedy / cautionary tale preceding the main chunk of the narrative, which, not that we had a lot of structure before due to being high schoolers just having fun worldbuilding, but her killing her best friend used to be a W for the then-protagonists bc he was the leader of their enemy, et cetera. by now ive wandered entirely away from the adversarial narrative and into the weeds of other stuff i can personally tell a better story about, due to having Many Thoughts Head Full. i like putting together stories that are dioramas of people and their strange selves much more now than i did when i was a #teen and mostly just liked cool settings and shit. now im like if the characters in the setting arent fascinating then well i almost dont care how cool it is. 

ok swag that wasnt as interminably long as i thought it was. no readmore then (gestures to followers) Look at my melodramatic oc boy

[idolshineitai]

THE UFCKING THING IS THAT....... so many goddamn fics touch soooooooo eloquently on 1) suicidal harrow 2) delusional/psychotic/schizophrenic harrow 3) generally mentally ill and/or depressed as FUCK harrow 4) sometimes even physically disabled harrow as a treat 5) all of the above BUT NONE OF IT IS TAGGED THE SAME WAY AND SOMETIMES ITS NOT EVEN THE FOCUS OF THE WORK, JUST SUBTLE NOTES THAT STILL KICK ME DIRECLTY IN THE ASS SO ITS LIKE I . SIMPLY MUST DIG. For The Good Shit. and its ALSO STRANGE BC A LOT OF THIS is canon-typical so it just sort of Sneaks in there and you dont Think abt it bc as a BASE these are DEEPLY SAD CHARACTERS, you cant really separate them from it!! BUT WBGHWAGJHh i need the TLT fandom to start using the "[adjective] [character name]" tags more. collectively. LIKE IDK I SEARCH ALL THIS STUFF "disabled character" "hallucinations" "suicidal thoughts" AND SMTIMES IT STILL DOESNT TURN UP WHAT I WANT... LIKE . get comprehensive w ur tagging