#its so hard to be your own biggest cheerleader. to keep trying to encourage yourself

[felix-lupin]

I hate going to the dentist or the doctor's or whatever because every single time they're like

"And how often do you brush your teeth?"

And I'm really really bad at forming habits. Absolute garbage at it. It's really hard for me to start doing something and then maintain it as routine, and that's if I even REMEMBER to do it. IF I even remember, I still need to scrounge up the motivation to do it. I've never in my life been able to maintain a routine of brushing my teeth twice a fucking day, but there's been a few times where, with enough effort, I've been able to maintain a routine of once a day.

So I look at them, and I'm like, "I brush my teeth about once a day," and I'm proud of myself, a little, because I know it was really hard for me to get there, and once a day is better than nothing, right?

But they look at me, and every time they're like, "Well, you really should be brushing your teeth twice a day." And any amount of pride I might've had is gone, washed away and drowned out by shame, instead, because even my best isn't good enough. Even when I've managed to get something, they look at me and they're like "You should do more."

And they'll lecture me on it, tell me that once a day isn't enough. They'll tell me to at least try to brush my teeth twice a day, not once, and they'll present it like it's such a reasonable request. Like, this is the bare minimum, this isn't hard to do, it's easy, you should at least try to do it.

And because the shame is too much, and I don't want to look like I'm not trying, because I AM, I'm trying my best, and I don't want to say no because then it'll look like I'm just lazy, not willing to put in the effort. So I'll say okay, and I'll agree. And when I go home, I brush my teeth and maybe I'll brush my teeth twice a day for two or three days, and then I'll miss it. It's too emotionally/slash mentally draining to keep up the habit, or I didn't have the time, or some other reason, but I'll miss it.

And then, instead of being able to go back to brushing my teeth once a day, keeping that small, basic thing so that I have at least some upkeep on my teeth, I feel so much shame and dejection, I feel like such a useless failure, that I just.. Stop. I stop doing even that basic upkeep. I don't brush my teeth for fucking months, until it gets bad enough that they start to hurt and even then I'm like, why should I even try to get back into the habit? It's not worth it. It's not enough. It'll never be enough.

My best will never be enough for those people. I'll brush my teeth once a day, and they'll say, well, it should really be twice a day, as if I don't already know. I'll clean a small portion of my room, organize my desk or take out the trash or clean the closet, and they'll say, well, you should really clean the whole thing. I'll walk for twenty or thirty minutes while my legs hurt nearly the whole time, and then it gets bad enough I have to sit down, and they'll say, well, you really shouldn't sit here or you're wasting time or come on, it's not even that long, you should be able to walk for this long. or you're being dramatic, just believe in yourself!

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of my needs being dismissed, my best efforts being dismissed as not good enough when it's so hard for me to do that much. I hate it, and I hate how even though I know that I'm trying my goddamn best I can't fully erase the shame, not truly. It sits in the back of my brain like a parasite, eating away at my motivation to do things, to try my best. Consuming it until the shame just crushes and paralyzes me, and then I can't get myself to do anything like that at all, can't even try to put in the bare minimum, let alone my best. Because my best isn't good enough, will never be good enough, and it'll never get rid of the shame.

[wanderingsoul]

new years reflections pt 3 (2023)

what is one small way you can become a better person? for others? for yourself?

i can become a better person by continuing to relinquish control in my life. i can become a better person by showing up more authentically in my life. by not trying to fix, and mediate, and meddle. i can be a better daughter, sister, aunt and friend by continuing to grow and encouraging forward motion in my circle. by cheerleading and encouraging and providing tools to help usher in change and development. i can become a better person by pursuing vulnerability over transparency, and by not avoiding hard conversations.

what are you holding onto currently that is no longer serving you? why are you holding on? what’s one small step you can take towards releasing it?

i am having a hard time letting go of control over my love life. i have expectations for how it should look, and when it will happen and i am trying so hard to orchestrate the perfect moment, going on countless first dates in a desperate search for the one. i feel societal pressure to find someone, and feel i am behind those my age who have found someone. i keep doing things that don't work for me in hoping that this time it will work, and its insanity. i am taking a step to let go of it by deleting dating apps in January of the new year, and clearing my inner circle of people who don't deserve my time.

goal for the new year that excites me? goal that scares me?

a goal for the new year that excites me is my goal to travel alone. i would like to go on a vacation by myself. a lot of my other goals this year relate to financials, i am entering my last few months of paying off my personal school loans. i am hoping to buy a new vehicle this year, and continue to build my savings account. a goal that scares me is related to relationships... it feels weird to make it a goal, but i do believe in manifesting, so my goal is to be in relationship with someone that i can see myself falling in love with in the next 12 months.

what do you want to be a student of in the new year?

i want to be an actual student this year. i would like to pursue learning again in a classroom setting. i would like to learn american sign language and continue to work towards a speech pathology program. i also want to continue to be a student of softness, creativity, openness, kindness, intentionality and thoughtfulness.

who in your life deserves the biggest thank you for this year?

my biggest thank you's always go to my family, my never ending support and reason for joy. i am thankful for karl and mikaela, who continue to welcome me into their home at all days and times, and let me love on mabel fern. i am so grateful for her my heart feels like it will burst with joy when i think about her. i am thankful for her little brother, who will be joining us this year and the love that will grow within myself when he arrives. i am thankful for my dad a lot this year, who showed up for me when i needed help, and who is trying very hard to keep understanding us children and seeking connection with us. i am thankful for alexa, for giving me the opportunity to live on my own and repair our friendship that was lost a bit in the roommate phase. i am thankful for emma, who has been a constant friend for a long time, and while our friendship is changing and separating in a sense, i will forever be grateful for the years of amazing memories that we share.

what can you thank yourself for this year?

i would like to thank myself for showing up for myself a lot this year. i fed myself good food, i pushed my body towards strength and stamina, i surrounded myself with people who give me life. since living alone, i have felt so incredibly content and joyful in my daily life. i get to spend my days exactly as i want to, taking time for myself, cultivating my home space to be peaceful and warm. i take time to move my body, supporting my mental and physical health. i am not too hard on myself, and let myself get a little too high sometimes and eat a few too many oreos. i let myself stay up late on a school night if i want to. i take advantage of small moments where i can re-parent myself and give my inner child opportunities and treats she never had. i love spending time with myself.

what have you outgrown this year?

i have outgrown people who do not have the same need for growth as i do. i want to surround myself with people who have similar values, and who want to join the journey towards self-development. as i have gotten older, i have gotten more comfortable with the idea that not everyone is for you like you are for them. and people have seasons and reasons in our life. lessons to learn, memories to share. but that does not mean that they will necessarily be the ones that make it in the long run. i have outgrown the desire to try and get people on the train with me, and allowing people to serve their purpose in my life.

what is an important boundary to set in the new year?

i want to set a boundary with my phone and social media. over the last 3-6ish months, i have been fully dependent on it for entertainment at all times and i would like to re-establish a time and mental boundary for social media. i am starting january with a social media cleanse, and am hoping to seriously limit my usage throughout the rest of the year.

what’s a memory from this past year that makes you smile just thinking about it?

january- wolves game with karl, minnesota zoo with mabel, remax dinner with karl, mikaela and jen. stillwater snow sculptures, ending my job at bluestone, trip to arizona with emma.

february - staying at great wolf lodge with jen, painting my bedroom green, brewsology beer fest with emma at the science museum. trip to chicago with silka, going to the shedd aquarium.

march - dinner at giulia with karl and mikaela, mssa with jasmine, st patricks downtown stillwater with emma.

april- giant margarita with jen in northfield, indeed brewery with karl, mikaela and emma and ms mabel after her bedtime. easter at the duplex in white bear lake. modist brewery with lex and her coworkers. lizzie mcapline concert! jewelry making class with emma.

may- traveling to spain with karl, miakela and mabel, seeing kristen and walter and vacationing in south of spain. saints game with silka, jaden and jen for mothers day. carson and anna's wedding. lex's birthday at blondette. traveling to cannon to see drew at his graduation party.

june- making bread and bringing it to kristelle, farmers market run with korbyn. suprise birthday party with all of my friends !! first wnba game, seeing the lynx with lex. horseback riding for lex's birthday. st paul beer fest at the state fair grounds with emma. finally getting my rings back from spain. camping trip up north with emma, seeing karl, mikaela, seth and kate; eating pizza on the north shore.

july- weekend in lake city, tubing and beaching on lake pepin. cabin weekend with hanowski crew. spontaneous pool night at jasmine's apartment. weekend and trip up north for lea and hudson's wedding, sleeping in dan and betty's basement.

august - starting demo for the bathroom. seeings vikings practice. karl and i's trip to mankato to surprise jaden on his birthday. golfing with jen in the pouring rain. lots of days with karl working on the bathroom. brule trip with joe this year, karl and mikaela joining. state fair with jen, silka and jaden.

september- john starts helping with bathroom renovations. labor day weekend, rachel in town- mill city farmers market, rodeo, eating and drinking on film. mabel turns one year old, party to celebrate our angel. start living alone, start 75 hard-get viral ear infection... ren fest for silka's birthday. red barn pizza for jen's birthday. sam and callie get married!

october- jen and i travel to charlotte to see the vikings play, exploring the city. re-start 75 hard, decide to do 50 hard. oktoberfest at laura's house. kristen gets married, mabel is flower girl and mikaela is bridesmaid. shopping wholesale with jen on a monday. fall trip to lake city, see gorgeous fall colors all the way down, meet oden. pumpkin patch with camp friends and jen. flo milli concert with emma.

november - first run in a long time. afternoon walk after sam's birthday, photo-shoot on an old tree trunk, playing on all the playgrounds on the way home. building furniture for my "new" place. running the turkey trot, feeling really proud of my accomplishment. 2 thanksgiving meals.

december - friendsgiving, finding out its a baby boy. european market. wolves games. taking mabel to eagles' nest. christmas at jens- exchanging gifts, eating way too many cookies. new years eve party at the troyaks.

[geekygirlexperience]

The struggle of writing an OC Female character in fanfiction

I had a mentally hard week as I struggled to write a new chapter of my fanfiction. It was something that I’m sure a lot of writers deal with. It’s the feeling that your work isn’t good enough.

This is pretty normal, especially with pretty much every artist I know. They’ve all felt it at some point or another. I go through this just about every time I sit to write and have to make myself put words on the page.

This feeling hit me on Monday when I watch an artist and fanfic writer I admire exchange work. It’s what set off my mind and I started crying at my desk. It’s because I feel this way a lot when I see artists making artwork for fanfics. The writer created something so great that an artist immortalized it in artwork.

It’s validation. That’s what I wanted. I just wanted to know that my work meant something. It’s silly, but it’s always been a dream of mine to have my work have fanart. I wrote the first draft of my first novel, and I admit I’ve dreamed what the fanart would look like. We all have dreams, you know? Mine is silly, but I love so many artists. I always wondered what they would make my characters look like.

But as I started my first rewrite for my novel, I hit a huge wall. I burned out, got stuck on the problems I needed to correct, and just had no idea where to go.

So, I turned to fanfiction. I am currently writing my first fic in over five years and several little ficlets. I love writing. It gives my mind an outlet, and fanfiction allowed me to practice writing even though I was stuck on my novel.

But I keep coming back to that feeling of when I see artists making artwork. And I keep coming back to maybe there’s a reason my work isn’t good enough for that.

My story is a romance, as many fanfics are. But the main romance is a canon character (Thrawn from Star Wars) paired with an original female character (OC Female). See, there’s a bit of a stigma about OC Females mostly around the Mary Sue trope. They tend to have a negative response at times. I totally admit to skipping fanfics with OC Females in the past (so pot calling kettle black).

I love my OC Female, but she’s really causing me a lot of distress. I often wonder if writing an OC Female was my own downfall. I often tell people when I present my fanfic that it’s a “niche genre” because of her. I say, “It’s really long and you might not like it because it’s an OC.” I really should stop saying that, but I always feel like I should preface it.

It makes me scared that since my OC Female fic isn’t great, then what if my novel is bad too? It’s really silly, and I know it is. They’re two different things. My novel is a different story, genre, and characters not based on previous work. But it’s that toxic thought that bores into my mind.

Really, I just want my fic to be loved. We all want our work to be well received. In less than a year, I’m starting to come to the end of the first arc and it’s almost 400 pages. I should be proud of it, but I find it harder and harder to love it.

So, I thought I should write up a list of things to help coach me through this.

1.       Don’t overlook the people who already support it. I have a handful of people who comment on every chapter. They, honestly, give me life. When sitting down to write a new chapter, I started telling myself, “They will be there. Don’t worry. You always have them.” They really are the ones who keep me going.

2.       Write it for me first and foremost. I wanted to write this fanfic for myself. I wanted to create new worlds, new creatures, and write this for me. I had to get the ideas out of me. I have to do it for myself. I always joke with my beta reader that as long as I love it, at least someone does.

3.       Have a good beta reader. Honestly, she’s the best. She’s both my biggest cheerleader and my toughest critic. Have a beta you trust. I know she would never tell me anything to hurt me. So any criticism is specifically to help. It just hit me hard this week because she was out of the country.

4.       Which leads to don’t be afraid to talk to other people about these thoughts and feelings. I reached out to two of my friends this week. I told them how I was feeling. Sometimes, you just need to get stuff off your chest. One sat and listened, shared with me her own similar troubles, and it was nice to know someone else felt the same way. The other helped me rationalize my thoughts while also validating my feelings. It’s okay to reach out about your work and how you feel about it.

The other good advice I got was don’t compare yourself to others. Only compare yourself to your past work so you can see where you’ve been and where you’re going now.

5.       Support other writers and artists. I see posts all the time about how the later it gets in a fic, comments drop off. I try to comment on every single chapter. I know how it’s important to me. So, I try to encourage them even if its 40 chapters in.

Also, reblog artists work. Likes are great, but reblogs are love. It helps their work get seen.

6.       Just keep writing. I find when I’m stuck on these feelings, I just keep writing. It helps me through it. But…

7.       Take breaks. Listen to music. Go for a walk. Watch something funny on Youtube. Sometimes, you just need to walk away for a couple days.

I know I’ll feel like this again. Every time I write my OC Female, I wonder if it’s worth it. I wonder if it’s going to be okay. I know that canon ships or ships with canon characters will always have more hits and kudos than my OC story.

But I am trying to learn that’s okay. I have people who read it. I have people who comment. I have people who reblog my posts with the story. It’s not the highest number, but it’s still good. It’s good, and I tell myself it’s good.

I just had to get that off my chest.

Stay lovely, my dudes.

[madamehearthwitch]

hey, i just saw the reblog about leaving the church. i'm currently in this place where I want to move on from Catholicism, but every time I try, I feel overwhelming guilt and anxiety. how did you do it? thx.

A preface: I am just going to delete asks/block ppl that attempt to debate with me about my experience in the church. This ask is asking specifically how *I* dealt with it. I’m not going 10 rounds with ppl defending the church. I don’t have the spoons for that shit on a good day.

Aaahhh guilt. The bread and butter of the church. I think perhaps guilt is the biggest tool that is used in order to keep people in line. 

In a lot of ways, the process was very similar to unbrainwashing myself after I got out of an abusive relationship (and I have many, many feelings about how being involved with the church is exactly like being in an abusive relationship). I would suggest, if it is possible for you, to find a secular therapist that you can talk to. The language and methods that my church used to keep people were big on making someone feel guilty for being happy. Guilty for putting yourself first. Guilty for believing that there is a life of fulfilment waiting out there. And talking to a professional about that can be really helpful.

When I left, I had to relearn basically who I was and what I thought about things. There was a quote that I saw making the rounds on Tumblr that talked about how your first response to something is what you were programmed to think, and the second is how you have taught yourself to think. I can tell you, this is exactly how the last many years have been for me. The older I get, the less that programmed response is my first one. But it still, at times, rears its ugly head. (Brainwashing in cults goes DEEP y’all)

The point of all that is to say that learning to recognize your thoughts for what they are is important. When you feel guilty about something, DO you actually feel guilty? Or is it a programmed response? Why do you feel guilty? Is it because some book written and curated by old (mostly white) men said so? And I want to encourage you that it’s okay if your worldview changes many times. 

Leaving the church means entering into a time of re-educating yourself on everything. I read a lot, blogs, essays, whatever I could get my hands on. I finally heard all the points of view I was never allowed to be exposed to. Then I was in a position to make up my own mind about how I felt about things. Keeping in mind that perhaps in the future I would come across a new POV or evidence that would alter my thinking. Learning how to accept that is huge, and it’s hard. That not every choice in life has to be dictated by what some stale crusty book says. That things can change, that YOU CAN EVOLVE!

The truth is, confronting that guilt and moving past it was the biggest thing I’ve ever done for my mental health in my life. I hope that you are able to come to a place where you can make an informed decision about the spiritual path of your life

[phildrawsfanart]

Annual drawing self-evaluation ~ 2017 edition

Thank you (@itsragnorfell) Edin for tagging me <33

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

1. List of artworks published this last year:

It’s going to take me forever if I put up a link to each artwork I did in 2017 because basically 3 quarters of my artworks were made in that year ! OO So maybe around 250/300 of them or more (which while I’m typing this down sounds completely crazy...Oo wow...) Then again, I’ve been doing an artwork per day every week or so (not counting the weekends, so 5 a week) when 2017 started...Still sounds insane ! Oo lol

I can also add that 3 beautiful quarters (and a tad more) of my artworks are Malec ones ! I love my OTP...! <3 

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

I’m extremely proud of my baby right here :

I can’t quiet go into details to why I am so very proud of this one for certain reasons (You’ll all know soon ^^) but I can say this : I’ve put my heart and soul into making this poster. Certain sleepless nights went into the making of it too...! And I really like the vibe it gives off...! I think it’s the artwork that feels and fits the most into the actual Shadowhunters universe ? I just really like this one...It’s extremely rare that I look upon one of my artworks and feel immensely proud of it and not go and be highly critical of it... (I tend to do that a lot when it comes to my art...^^', bad habit of mine. I’m a perfectionist to the bone and I judge myself harshly most of the time...^^') I guess this could be a new 2018 resolution : be less harsh on myself and my art...! 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

This is easy to answer ! ALL my artworks when I first started in the fandom ! If I could erase maybe like the 3 first monts of artworks I did then I’d be glad...^^' The proportions were awful and I wasn’t this detailed and precise in drawing as I am now...Also, the facial expressions were less raw and looked less “real”...It was all very new to me (even doing graphic artworks) but still, all those very first ones are cringeworthy in my eyes...I’m being harsh on myself here but really, if you go and dig up those dinosaurs you’ll see what I mean ! 

4. A favorite excerpt peek of your artworks:

*incoherent noises are heard in the distance...* I just LOVE this artwork to pieces as well...It’s the first colored artwork I did that I was proud off...They are at peace, in love, safe in each other’s arms...I also find the little glimmers on their faces really soothing in a way...It’s like the universe is embracing them...I just really adore this peek...<3

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

I’m going to cheat on this one because it’s actually an emotion that you share with me in the comments or asks that I adore and would deem “my favorite”. It’s either when you go “jdjdhfgfgfgdhdjdkdkfhfgg” and then the tags attached to this or the following words in the comments are you telling me that you loved the artwork *hides away*...! OR (I think those are my favorite), when you shout at me “HOW DARE YOU??”, “WHO ASKED YOU?????”, “UNFOLLOWED, BLOCKED, UNSTANED!”. Lol , those make me giggle or literally just laugh out loud and blush like crazy...!(I love you all..<3333)

 I’m not gonna lie, when I got into the fandom and I first saw those comments I swear I thought I had done something really wrong and bad...I took those words literally ? I didn’t know that it was a common way to show appreciation ? I was really thrown off and scared ! lol ^^' Now I’ve learned that it basically means that you liked the artwork and that it made you feel a lot of things ! Seriously, I’ve learned a whole new way of communication and expressing ones emotion when entering the fandom ! 

6. A time when writing drawing was really, really hard:

...Probably the beginning of May 2017 until maybe the middle of the summer ? Me coming back to Paris after my six months internship in London was a big blow in the gut to me..I didn’t take readapting to Paris well...It was hard...I also went into a bit of a depression, I think...But the summer vacation did a great deal of good ! I had time to relax and be at peace away from literally everything and the sea air and seeing my family all together was the best cure for me ! So all that spam of time was a bit hard in me being inspired and enjoying drawing. You can actually see it a bit if you are an old mutual/follower of mine ! The artworks are kinda very dense and a bit dark ? 

But all that matters is that everything is good and well now ! Let’s keep the past in the past and move on with a smile !

7. A scene or character you wrote drew that surprised you:

...Like...??? I just...don’t know what happened ? What I was thinking of when I made “The Salt King” mini series...? This cracks a smile on my face when I stumble on it lol ^^' Ours salty, sassy kings being extra ! lol 

8. How did you grow as a writer an artist this last year:

I grew a lot... I am more confident in myself and drawing with this medium (graphic artworks). I am also more detailed and since I am more confident I am now starting to challenge myself with new ways of making my art evolve ? I think that’s the biggest growth I did..To be more confident and at ease doing graphic artworks. Especially ones in the Shadowhunters universe.

9. How do you hope to grow next this year:

I wish I’ll be able to master a bit more the colored artworks (without deleting the ones in B&W, I’ll always do those ^^). I also would like to venture a bit more in drawing other characters then Malec. I won’t stop making them of course but I’d like to have fun doing other artworks that paint out different friendships and stories ? That would be a cool challenge ! ^^

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer an artist (could be another writer or fan artist or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

That would probably be the cast of Shadowhunters..! They portray those amazing characters on screen and they inspired me a whole lot. Especially Matthew Daddario and Harry Shum Jr...! Those too are one of the big reasons I joined this fandom. I fell in love with the characters they play (individually and as a couple). Also, they are both loving and caring souls..!

I can also add my big brother (who is himself an artist) who always is by my side giving me advice and teaching me new ways of drawing (like the little short cuts on your computer/photoshop ?) those are a great help to draw faster ! 

And also my lovely parabatai ( @magnusandalexander ) Anica who is always there for me when I need to vent out or talk or am stuck on an artwork ! Thank you for having my back Anica ! Love you !

And then all of you ! I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again and forever but you have all been a huge support for me ! It is because of your kindness and heartwarming words of love and encouragement that I am happy and hyped up to start a new artwork every single day ! 

So thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you...You have been a HUGE positive influence on me as an artist in this fandom...<3

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing artworks this year:

Probably my attention to details ! I am an observer in real life. More of a *stays in a corner and observes the world and its surroundings* than someone who is talkative and interacting. I’m a bit of a dreamer and that’s how I am always careful with the details. They tell more stories than you’d think ! ;) 

Then my love for blue Klein ! lol I love doing the colored artworks with those blue tints...! 

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers fan artists:

I’m very bad at this...^^' But I’m going to say to never stop believing in yourself no matter what other people might think. Don’t stop what you love to do, your passion because of some negative comments on an artwork. Try and be on the higher ground and ignore the negative comments or if they are constructive ones then take it all in, take a break if need be and get back and do another artwork with the constructive comment in mind to progress. 

Also, if you have a blank or have no inspiration. Don’t be scared, it’s not lost ! Just take a break, go out, take a stroll. Go and see friends, cook, just do something else entirely to forget about your artwork. When you are relaxed and feel that itch to have a pen or graphic tabled in you hand again then you are good to go ! <3 This usually works for me, I don’t know if it will for everyone though.. You need to find your own escape way to relax and be at ease !<3

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES ! 

I can’t say a thing about it though...=p 

I can just say that I call it “The BIG Thing” and it’s coming soon...!

Voilà !<3

14. Tag five writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read.

Anyone that wants to do this ! It’s actually a really good thing to do to take a step back and see how far you’ve gotten to in the last year ! 

[pinkandgreenlivingthedream]

Do you have any tips of self love and confidence

About to get a little personal here. Nbd. 

For me personally, I think self love/confidence is one of those things that comes with time. I also think it’s not one of those ultimate, tangible end goals. It’s something that has periods of ups and downs throughout our lives and is constantly changing in one way or another. There have been periods of my life where I have felt a lack of confidence in certain areas of my life and with specific aspects of myself. There have been other periods where things have felt perfect, and I have felt content and confident. I think in life, confidence is not one of those concrete things that is like “yay! I am confident now about everything and that will never, ever change”. I think it’s so normal to have periods throughout our life where we feel uncertain and unconfident about something or multiple things. I think it’s also normal to feel periods of confidence and to allow yourself to feel proud of your achievements. Our society has kind of made it to where it’s ‘cool’ to hate on yourself, but I personally think confidence is one of the most important things we can find and feel. It encourages us to reach for our dreams and to take crazy chances and to block the negative things that may come our way. It keeps us pushing us forward and it allows us to really be ourselves, without concern of what others may think or say. Confidence is incredibly important and special, so don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. 

When we feel unconfident about ourselves or our lives, I think it can really help to just take some time to reflect. Why are we unhappy? What is keeping us from not feeling confident? Are these things that we can fix? For example, I did not feel confident about my body after my freshman year of college. I gained about 15 pounds (which is a lot when you are 5′0-5′1″), and I didn’t feel like ‘me’, physically. For years, I kind of brushed it off, not willing to dive in and make any actual changes. However, about eight or nine months ago, I started working out and lifting weights. I also started to be mindful about the things I put into my body, and I adopted a more balanced diet along with giving up alcohol. I lost about 10-15 pounds last semester, and I feel confident with my body again. I feel confident wearing denim shorts and jeans, for the first time since high school. I feel proud of the lifestyle changes I have made, and I am happy that I took a proactive approach to solving that problem, as minuscule as it may seem in the grand scheme of life. If you have something in your life that is draining your confidence, figure out if there is a solution to fix it. If you are struggling in a class and it is getting you down, try to see if there is a way to improve and solve that specific problem. However, sometimes in our lives, we have sources of unhappiness that we can not change. In that case, we have to learn to love ourselves regardless of that ‘imperfection’ and to accept that somethings are just not in our control. Things in life aren’t always permanent, and things do get better (as cliche as it totally is)- whether it’s from the way life changes to the way our mindset changes. I think it’s important to realize that those ‘imperfections’ make us who we are; they make us special and unique. When we start to take those things we see as imperfections and start to see them as the qualities that make us who we are and unique, we feel more confident. We have to learn that we can’t control everything. There will be points of our lives where we feel frustrated and defeated over the things that are not in our control, but we have to learn to do the very best we can, while always keeping a positive, resilient attitude. 

I think when it comes to confidence, people tend to associate that with our physical appearance. But I feel like confidence can come from such a deeper place, and it can come from different areas of our life. For example, doing well academically in college really helped boost my overall confidence with myself and my life. I felt proud, and I felt confident when I achieved my personal academic goals and I could see the results of my hard work. Confidence doesn’t necessarily come from just the way we feel about our ‘outer shell’, but it comes from a combination of areas in our life from school/work, relationships, and personal goals. Speaking of personal goals, I find that setting personal goals for yourself can really help give confidence. Those goals can be tiny or huge; either way, they motivate us and give us confidence when we achieve them. Even when we fall short, we still can feel confident because we know we tried our hardest, learned something new, and experienced growth. I am a huge goal setter, and I firmly believe they are incredibly important for finding confidence.

In a world dictated by social media and filled with this immense pressure to be perfect, I think it’s important to take the time to realize that you don’t have to be perfect. It’s okay to make mistakes, and that those mistakes and imperfections don’t need to affect our confidence and our longterm views of ourself. At the end of the day, all we can do is be ourselves and do the very best we can. I think making a gratitude list can be very helpful. Write the things and people in your life that you are grateful for. Write the things you love about you! Recognize your talents and strengths. This is incredibly important. What matters most is how you feel about you, and I can promise you that you have strengths and skills. Throughout life, regardless of which path you choose, people will try to bring you down or tell you that you can’t do something. Don’t listen to them. Keep being you and doing the things in life that bring you the most joy. Speaking of people, reflect on the people in your life that you are surrounded by. Do they encourage you and make you feel confident or do they bring you down? I think it’s so, so essential to cleanse yourself of toxic people that are in your life. Surround yourself with positive, encouraging people that inspire you to be the best version of you. Some of my personal lows of confidence and happiness were when I was surrounded by negative, toxic friends that discouraged me from achieving my goals and brought me down. Now that I have an encouraging circle of people in my life, I feel more confident about achieving my goals and being myself unapologetically. It is better to be alone than in bad company, I can promise you that. Sometimes we have to be our biggest cheerleader and tell ourselves that we can achieve. 

Something I have learned about confidence throughout college is that we can help ourselves find confidence when we encourage others. Three to four years ago, I felt like the way I treated others at times was a reflection of my own insecurities and unhappiness. It becomes a negative cycle. When we are negative and hurtful and critical, we affect the people around us and our own level of confidence. Compliment others, find their strengths, be open minded, encourage your friends and family to achieve their dreams, be there for people in times of trouble, volunteer, and do positive things without any expectation of reward. I am a big believer in karma- especially good karma. When we do good, good things come. Even if you don’t feel content and confident, continue to encourage others and be a positive source in their life. Your sunshine and confidence will come in its own time. 

Lastly, I think it’s important to realize that everybody struggles with confidence at some point in their lives. Whether that struggle comes from body image to school to relationship troubles, we all have aspects of our life that cause us frustration and turmoil. We can choose to let those struggles defeat us or we can choose to let them motivate us to keep trying our best and striving towards the person we want to become. Find what makes you feel alive and what makes you joyful and confident. Never stop searching for those things and cling onto those positive sources when you find them. 

Sorry if that was a bit rambly and ridiculously long, but just my personal take on finding confidence. There is of course no perfect answer to finding confidence, but those are some things I have kind of reflected on throughout my journey with confidence the past few years :)

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Dear Mama

Great News has been shared on https://apostleshop.com/dear-mama/

Dear Mama

Copyright 2018 Nicole Johnson. All rights reserved.

A few days ago, I was told about an anonymous post to a mother’s group on Facebook from a woman who is eight months pregnant and was just informed the little girl she is carrying has Down Syndrome. I was told because, as the mother of a daughter who has Down Syndrome, I know a thing or two about the fear that is enveloping this young couple, the questions that are flooding their minds and the outlook for their child’s future that is most likely clouded with misinformation, and stereotypical assumptions. Although this woman left no contact information, I couldn’t get her off my mind, so I decided to write her a letter about what it’s like to have your life touched by someone with this extra (special) chromosome.

Dear Mama,

I know you’re not ready to hear it, and I get it, (I really do), but I need to tell you something important, even knowing full well you’re not yet able to understand. “Congratulations. You’ve won the lottery.” It may be the moment you hold her in your arms or it may be on her first birthday or perhaps sometime in between, but this child of yours that is currently defined in fear will wrap herself around your heart in a way you never dreamed possible.

That said, I’m not afraid to provide a realistic, vulnerable and totally transparent account of what it is like to raise a daughter with Down Syndrome. First and foremost, allow yourself and your husband time to cry, be angry and question, “why us?” Let the tears fall and the fists pound the table — it’s not only ok, it’s necessary. You need to mourn the loss of the child you thought you would have before you can fully move on to love the one you were given. And please trust me when I tell you it is possible to move on.

For now, let all the ugly out. Cry about the loss of dreams you had for this child of yours and yell about the unfairness of the diagnosis now attached to this life within you. I still vividly remember every minute of the night my husband and I sobbed on the couch together as we came to terms with the reality that the little girl we would soon be adopting was coming to us with a long list of demands we never wished to meet. I also remember the moment we decided we were not going to let Down Syndrome define our daughter; we were going to let our daughter define how she would live with Down Syndrome. Call it cathartic, call it an epiphany — for us it was the oxygen we needed to take a breath and welcome her home.

I can tell you the cuteness will be hard to take at first and, if you are like me, you may not ever get over it. While you may be fearful of the physical markers that accompany the extra chromosome, I can tell you the extra space between the eyes makes for the perfect kissing spot and the flatter facial features and slight slant to the eyes will one day be a source of pride as you find yourself actually hoping the stranger on the street will notice your child has Down Syndrome and be blown away with how she is rocking her extra chromosome. Trust me — it will happen.

Copyright 2018 Noah Johnson. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

This road will certainly be different than raising a child defined to be “typically developing.” It will be harder in many respects and I wouldn’t try to convince you otherwise. The newborn stage will most likely include more doctor visits and more information about her health than you want to know.  The fact that she is diagnosed with Down Syndrome leads to a laundry list of tests not required for “typical” babies. Take comfort in the fact that today doctors know exactly what to look for and how to treat every medical challenge that may (or may not) arise. She will be in the best of care.

Your daughter’s development will be delayed, but every time she reaches a new stage you will wonder what you were so worried about. It will take patience, patience and more patience. And she will need you to be her biggest cheerleader, pushing her forward when she is frustrated that her world is more complicated to navigate than it is for most. She will walk, but it may be later than her peers. Then, all of a sudden, she will run and it will be hard for you to catch up to her. She will speak, but it may require intensive speech therapy. However, you will be amazed at her ability to communicate and bond without the use of words. Then when the words start to come (and they will) you will celebrate each new sound, vowel, and consonant as if they were a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Fine motor, gross motor, tone, motor planning: these will all be terms that become second nature as your little girl learns how to hold her spoon, skip, climb stairs with alternating steps, and take pen to paper to begin writing her letters. Her flexibility will no doubt astound you and you may find her chewing on her toes with remarkable ease. The beauty in all of it is that your heart will stretch right along with her, loving her more each day as you come to know the child behind the diagnosis.

You will soon learn, as trite as it may sound, that your child truly has more in common with her typically developing peers than not. Your heart will break many times over however, for the extra effort, determination, and perseverance it takes for your child to reach the same goals her peers take for granted. The pride you feel in watching her storm her way through life will glue your mama’s fragile heart together and allow you to keep pushing, keep encouraging and keep hoping.

Copyright 2018 Nicole Johnson. All rights reserved.

You will laugh. A lot. Often it will be a result of the unique way she has found to outsmart you again; sometimes it will be her innocent and funny interpretation of the world; other times it will be in response to her intoxicating giggle that just makes you want to scoop her up and shout from the rooftops how excited you are to call her your own.

You will cry. A lot. Often it will be a result of your patience running out and the feelings of inadequacy taking over. Sometimes it will be catching her in the far-away, open-mouthed gaze that all at once reminds you of her sheer vulnerability and innocence and leaves you wondering if you’re doing enough. Other times it will be simply because You. Are. Tired. More often than not, however, the tears that fall will be tears of joy. She rolled over ��� she took ten steps without falling — she signed “more” when she wanted a refill on ice cream — she melted the heart of a stranger — she said “ma-ma” — she made it through her first day of preschool — she ran to the bathroom on her own and was dry when she got there — she said, “I love you too.”

You will not be alone. Let me say that again. You will not be alone in raising this little lady. You don’t have to know everything, or anything for that matter. There are experts ready and waiting to provide physical therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, and specific, family-centered education for mom and dad on how to best care for your daughter. This care is state-mandated for these precious souls, which means you don’t have to be weighed down by the burden of therapy bills and the thought of financial stress. If you are anything like me, however, you may have to dig deep to be ok with the fact that you can’t give her everything she needs on your own. You will have to assume the cloak of humility and welcome the help that is readily available.

Your daughter will be loved and she will be accepted. Things are different now than they were even ten years ago. You will be amazed at the number of people that invest themselves in your daughter’s success. From therapists to teachers to peers and classmates, you daughter will find support in all she does. That said, you will need to learn how to be an advocate for your child, in your own family, in school, in public settings. As far as the human heart has come in accepting those defined as “different” there are still those who won’t believe your child deserves all the “extras” she will need to become her best self. Your daughter will prove them wrong, no doubt, but you’ll need to be her voice before she is able to speak for herself.

It’s likely your world will become scheduled and routine. Our daughter thrives on routine and I’ve learned from other parents who have children with Down Syndrome that what throws their children off more than anything is when their day is unscheduled and therefore uncertain. While you may find the routines suffocating from time to time, you will keep going back to them when you realize they are the very thing that stabilizes the world for your child and provides her the comfort she struggles to find any other way.

Your little girl will ground you in this crazy world and force you to recognize and appreciate the beauty in each moment. It won’t be all roses and fairy tales, but parenting never is, whether you are parenting a typically developing child or a child with special needs. It’s the best kept secret among we parents of children with Down Syndrome — the challenges are real but the joy is bigger.

Advice to parents expecting a baby with #DownSyndrome, from a mama who has been there. Click To Tweet

Trust me. One day, in the not-so-distant future, when time has played its part and the reality has replaced the fear, you will be able to reach out to the parents who just got news of their child being diagnosed with Down Syndrome and congratulate them on winning the lottery.

Copyright 2018 Nicole Johnson

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HEALING SERIES: PT 5-IT'S ALL ABOUT ME

In my last blog post I spoke about "Safe Spaces of Sisterhood" and the need to keep our circles positive and supportive.  When healing from within, it is wonderful to have a village to lean on during these times.  Family and friends are instrumental in lifting us up and encouraging us through hard times but the ultimate responsibility of healing is ours.  It is up to us to take control over our own emotional and mental well-being.  Family and friends are wonderful, but they cannot heal for you. Healing is a choice that we must make daily.  Sometimes, you must be selfish.  I don’t mean selfish in a negative way.  When I speak of being selfish, I mean, there are times when you will have to make yourself a priority.  That does not give you the right to be hurtful, mean-spirited or isolated to others.  What this means is that you recognize that things aren’t ok with you right now or that you need time to focus on some things that are important to you and you are committed to taking the necessary time to focus on that.

Open and honest communication with the ones you love is imperative while you heal.  Your circle of family and friends care about you and want the best for you.  It’s ok to let them know that you aren’t doing so great right now and need some time and maybe space to figure it all out.  If they love you, they will understand and support you while you do the work necessary to feel and become better.  They are your biggest cheerleaders and want you to succeed.   That can be difficult for some, especially if you are someone who is used to “handling it all”.  I definitely suffer from "Olivia Pope" syndrome.  Last year I learned a very important lesson in healing without isolating the ones I love the most.  During the latter part of the year, I was dealing with so much. I was emotionally and mentally overwhelmed and stressed. I was in a sad place and I was very unhappy.   I retreated, in the hopes of trying to get myself together, but in the process, I isolated myself from family and friends.  I didn’t communicate. I shut down and put on the "I got it handled" mask.   I was embarrassed and ashamed about where I was.  I hate being “a downer” around people so I thought it was best to take a break to get myself together.   I had good intentions but I went about it the wrong way and I hurt people I care about unintentionally.  My village loves and cares about me and I inadvertently treated them like I didn’t need them.  Being selfish is a balance between making yourself a priority while maintaining a connection with those that love you.

Getting Real about it:

When you get real about what it is you are feeling, you acknowledge there is a wound.  So many of us walk around in denial about what we feel. We deny our feelings in the effort to appear strong or unbreakable, when we are rotting and decaying emotionally inside.  Once you see it for what it is, you can address it and release it.  You can’t address and let go of what you refuse to acknowledge. 

Stop playing the victim.

Bad things happen to good people all the time.  In those moments, we feel like failures, “less than”, and hurt by people and situations in our lives. These experiences can be traumatic and emotionally defeating, but once we acknowledge what happened to us, we can begin to take back our control. Victim mentality is rooted in a loss of emotional control. We cannot change what happened to us but we can change how we allow it to affect and/or change who we are.   This doesn’t happen overnight.  I am not a fan of the phrase “get over it”.  It’s dismissive and doesn't show empathy.  Quite honestly, too many people "get over things" instead of "getting through things".  In my experience, people who "get over" things carry more emotional and mental baggage than those who do the work to "get through" things.   In any painful or hurtful event or situation, there is a period of grieving that occurs but it’s not a place you should stay in too long.  Wallowing in grief, self-loathing, and negative thinking only pushes you further into emotional darkness and eventually, you will wear it like a scarlet letter and bitterness will consume you.  Acknowledge the hurt, look at it, feel it then switch the focus back where it belongs.

What do I want now?

It’s about you now.  What do you want to do now? Do you want to move on? Act like it never happened? Heal and grow? Do you want to hate or remain angry?  Do you want peace of mind or do you want revenge? Do you want to smile and feel joy again? Do you want to survive this?    This is the space where you get to focus on you; not your pain, not the one who caused it,  but you.  You decide if and how you want to heal.  If you have experienced the loss of a job, it is the time to rediscover what it is you want and re-evaluate your goals and dreams. Maybe it’s time to start a business you’ve thought about? Maybe it’s time to go back to school?  If you have experienced heartbreak or the loss of an important relationship, now is the time to figure out what you want from people you allow in your life.   What did you allow in your previous relationship that you wouldn’t do again? What mistakes did you make? Sometimes it’s not what a person did to us but it’s what we allowed that is the greater question.  If you are dealing with medical challenges, what do you choose to focus on? The diagnosis or the recovery? This is about changing your mentality and focus.  This moment is about what you want and need and desire.  You get to define it and claim it. This process of putting the focus back on you, takes you right out of a victim mentality to a survivor mindset. 

Self-Care

I can’t stress how important this is in the healing process.  Self-care is self-love and no one can love you better than you.  Learn to treat yourself with the utmost love, care and respect. Treat yourself to things that make your spirit smile.  Spend time each day showing yourself the love you deserve.  I practice daily self-care in many different ways. (See previous blog post) It allows me to function properly even when I feel broken because each day I do a little something for myself to remind myself of my value and my worth. 

set goals and look ahead

set goals

You have acknowledged what happened, you have taken the necessary time to grieve it and give validation to your feelings, you have taken steps to take care of your emotional and mental health through daily practices of self care and taken the time to think about your needs, wants and desires.  Now it is time to put it into action.   I’m a firm believer in writing things down and speaking things into existence.  I have a vision board, sticky notes, positive affirmations and quotes all around my room, my work space and even in my wallet.  It’s important to write out your goals and look at them daily. They serve as reminders that you are moving forward. They may seem like small steps but they are forward moving steps. When my marriage ended, I literally started over from scratch. I didn’t have a job, bank account, car to my name.  I literally wrote every single thing that I wanted to accomplish over the next year and checked them off my list one by one. It didn’t matter how small it was, every time I checked something off that list, I felt better about myself. I did something to celebrate my small victories each time.  I felt like I was moving forward even if it was baby steps. It helped raise my self-confidence. It took me away from feeling like a victim to feeling like a conqueror and a survivor.   It was a necessary part of my healing.   Make a plan, set goals and do something every single day that puts you closer to achieving them and celebrate your progress no matter how small. 

It is ok to make yourself a priority, especially when dealing with painful experiences.  It is a necessary part of the process of “growing through it” instead of “going through it”.  If you take the time to shift the focus from the experience and its aftereffects and redirect your energy back to yourself, in time, you will find clarity, happiness, peace and healing without the unnecessary and heavy emotional weights.

Take care of yourself and one another…

Thanks so much for reading!  Please comment, share, subscribe and tell a friend! I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Join me for my next reflection on Healing, “Fearlessness” coming soon. Subscribe to receive my new posts via email.

D. Sanders