#its so good yet its so overpoweringly sad

[bilboscanoes]

not to be dramatic but NOTHING in the past year has made me cry as much as oromis' passing. okay wait i lied sad boy passing might still win but i mean it when i say that it was written and overall executed PERFECTLY and glaedr's pain alone was enough to make me cry for at least ten long minutes and im still sitting here, tears in my eyes, unable to finish the last ten pages of the damn book because. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO MOVE ON.

and yes in a way brom's death was more meaningful and yes ive cried because of it but when he died we didnt yet fully know his full role in the series so i at least was not able to grieve him as much as he "deserved" immediately when he died. as weve found out what he reslly meanr ive cried a lot but with oromis' death we already know all there is to know about this dude (at least i think so) and glaedr's pain and the setting and everything- i just cant stop the tears it is so moving.

brom also didnt leave a lonely dragon after him since he had already lost his love, in fact BOTH his loves, so even though the whole community was left to miss him he ultimately got to leave the sorrow of living without your soulmates whereas oromis left glaedr to suffer this sorrow.

but all in all id like to thank christopher paolini for executing his passing so perfectly. even though the reading experience was cruel (and i have yet to find out what really happens to glaedr) i havent read a scene of someones passing this fulfilling like. ever. and im a boromir girlie. i felt as every word filled my body one after another and how my body took the shape oromis' and glaedr's pain as its own. and it was terribly sad but so beautiful and fulfilling. admittedly its a little peculiar to call the loss of someone and the HUGE hole he left in all our hearts fulfilling but in the end that is what it was, for me at least. it took over my existence, thats how touching it was.

[marengogo]

Are You Sure ?! - #4: I Hate that YOU Love Hate You but, I Love YOU, so ...

I’m listening to a Mellow/Angsty Love playlist - (yes) it has BTS/ solos BTS songs as well

[Music is a very big part of my life and I’m MOSTLY INCAPABLE of writing without music, so I just thought I'd share what I am listening to while writing this]

–🐺–🐺–🐺–

Hello My Sentimental Girls, Bois and Enbys,

Please be kindly warned that I am going to be overpoweringly sensitive as I write this. Not necessarily because Are You Sure?! has unfortunately come to an end, but because, as I try to write this post, as always, “through” my TwinFlame’s JK emotional lens, the last two episodes really were so full of so many feelings that I am trying my best to order my thoughts and do them justice. Like, let me tell you, this boy really felt plenty, or better yet he allowed himself to truly feel a lot hence, as always, through respectful speculation and educated guessing I’ll try my best to convey my related observations. 

Towards the end of the post I’ll also have a little confession to make about something that I have been so determinedly ignoring, because the mere thought always makes me so uncomfortable, sad, and a tiny bit scared, so there’s also that.

All that being said, here I am, concluding this physical/sentimental journey, with my unrequested thoughts but with a hopeful sense that perhaps writing this down will somehow lessen my emotional weight, because let’s be for real, I am going to have AYS withdrawals on Thursday. So, is this post going to be long?  … 🤡 I mean, you should know me by now. For those who don’t know me, yes, it will be a long post 🙏🏾.

Truly free things are hard to come by nowadays. Undoubtedly, money has effectively found its way into our everything. Yet, there is one thing that hasn’t changed in its acquired value as in, how you get by it, and how you get it, etc. This one thing is still available free and you can find it anywhere, LITERALLY. However, whether or not you’ll be able to acquire it, and eventually keep it, is, to this day, one of the most debated, discussed, joyed over, cried over, mused over, etc, topic. 

Yes, you’ve guessed; it’s Love. 

I don’t believe I was actually ever taught about just Love in all its forms. Not at home, not at school school talked about famous people in love, sexual education, popular love … basically they beat around the bushes 🙄, or amongst friends, and if I had, I do not recall it, at all and y’all, I have one heck of a good memory, I will not be humble about that. I think that my first notions and ideas I formed about the concept of Love came through books and films, and let me tell you, there is an infinite related archive out there, which can be as exciting, as much as dangerous. Regardless, even though it was never really explained to me same for everyone most likely, as I grew up, EVERYONE loooved to talk about it, ALL THE TIME, so somehow, I made my own understanding of it. 

One of the things I understood was that some day, when I would become a woman, I would find an adult man, have a family, children, and live happily ever after because I would fall in love and some man would fall in love with me. I understood it as a given; Everyone, of a certain gender, falls in love with someone, of the opposite gender, because there is someone out there, of a certain gender, for everyone, of the opposite gender, just waiting to find you or to be found. Basically, Everyone will eventually find, and forever keep, mutual heterosexual romantic Love.

Spoiler alert: It wasn’t not true.

In fact, the true state of things is actually the very opposite. The minority of people on this planet, heterosexual or not, will experience, and live with true mutual romantic love, and will be able to keep it for a very long time, and even fewer others will be able to take it all the way to the day they die, those are at the Legendary Level ones. And I am not saying this because I am jaded or bitter or any other hurt and/or hater-inclined-behaviour, you can really miss me with alla dat. This is just that one very helpful, and hard, to accept and you don’t have to accept it by the way! reality that should hit everyone at some point, but not always does. When it doesn’t hit, people may end up tormenting themselves sometimes to death when and/or if they can’t “find love”, wondering if they are unloveable, what is wrong with them, etc etc etc.  

Reason why, it is paramount to love yourself first and foremost. 

Because it might be true that someone is “unlovable” or that there is “something wrong with them” but, if true, this is principally hindering one’s well-being because, finding and trying to fix whatever might be amiss with one's self, may not guarantee a successful mutual romantic love, but it does guarantee a happier life in general. I mean, listen, if in the scope of things, you might end up having to spend the rest of your life without a mutual romance, meaning, you have to spend infinite time with you, yourself & YOU, how is that going to work, if you don’t love yourself …? And, just in case it wasn’t common knowledge, Loving Yourself is not easy, like any other relationship, it takes work. The reason why therapy ain’t cheap ✌🏾💰💋but needed, honestly.

So, let’s make no mistake; alas Love, in any of its forms btw, if it is harmful, it is not Love is needed. In fact, as it turns out, human beings were “programmed” in such a way that having it in one's life would make their existence progress less painfully, or even painlessly. In addition, self-love is one of the purest, satisfying, and incredibly useful types of love out there.

ALL OF THAT BEING SAID, for those lucky enough to find & keep romantic love regrettably, thus far, I am not one of those, trust me when I tell you, it is not at all smooth sailing. There are just so many factors to be factored in and the bear thought of it all can honestly be enough to make anyone not want to be bothered by it.

Yet, my beloved and most precious, TwinFlame seems to have found it. Now, I can’t guarantee it to be romantic as always, despite me believing it to be so but he sure as hell is fighting his darn life to keep it. So, yes, hm, I think

JK is in Love.

If it wasn’t clear enough in episode 1 all the way to this finale, JM is a person whose presence JK particularly wants in his life, and whose absence kinda makes him feel sort of … unsettled? … but I’ll dive deep into this, later on in this post. For now, it is important to point out that my TwinFlame not only actively looks after JM, but he actively seeks JM’s attention, he actively wants to be sought by JM, he actively tries to make JM happy, he actively wants to level with JM, he actively wants JM to be comfortable around himself JK and for JM to be comfortable with himself JM. Basically, JK cares, in his own way, quite loudly for JM. And I say “his own way” because I believe JK’s emotional intelligence (EI) to be somewhat different from the common ones. I actually received an ask about his EI, which I plan to answer very soon 🙏🏾, so for now, I will not dive into that in this, cos I really ain’t trying to compete with the length of dictionaries with this post 😬. 

Japanese people, traditionally, have a fascination for sad love stories, and ever since I got into 875, I’ve been wondering if Koreans feel the same way but in their case, it is likely to be just Sadness period. You see, in the West, we “all” love a heartbreaking and passionate love story, the reason why Romeo and Juliet will probably be eternally famous. Yet, we don’t believe that true love is love, because it is brought about by unbearable suffering, so it must be real. We are more of the true love, is love, because it leads to immeasurable happiness kinda style. Basically we Westerners love Romeo and Juliet because of what they could have been, but Japanese and maybe Koreans would love Romeo of Juliet because of what they were to each other. So when a person like me watches a movie like 5 Centimetres per Second and swears to never watch it EVER AGAIN which I haven’t and refuse to, a Japanese person might think that is probably one of those movies they’ll find themselves watching over and over again and let me tell you, it was great, I just don’t think I can handle a second viewing, no thanks.

So if I am correct in thinking that Koreans feel similarly as Japanese in this matter, JK, like many other Korean folk, loves to sing sad/angsty/melancholic songs. Either by himself, or in company, like he used to with Tae probably they still do as well as watching sad movies, like JM’s favourite being The Notebook and JK’s being Titanic. Yet, here is where the glitch in the matrix happens; JK was most likely not that serious but wasn’t he? 😬 when he brought this up however, he seemed to be a little bothered by the fact that JM really liked “Hate You” out of all the song in his album. JM sang Seven, 3D and Standing Next to You this particular one he kept bringing up like there was no tomorrow, throughout all 3 trips, yet, when he played Hate You in the car, for the second time because he had as well in episode 6 JK was like; “Why?”. 

Let me tell you something.You know how I usually skip Spring Day, cause I can’t really handle it? Before AYS Ep. 8 I used to skip Hate You as well for the same reasons as Spring Day; it was too sad for me to bear as it felt closely related him singing it alone makes me relate it to him in my flowed brain, even though he didn’t write it 🙃 to people I love, people being the Tannies. Lovely by Khalid and Billie Eilish in comparison is MUCH SADDER but because I am in no way emotionally connected to either Khalid or Billie I don’t mind listening to the song at all I love that song. 

Anyways, Long story short, it looked like it bothered him a tiny bit. It felt almost as if “Sure, we are Koreans and we like sad love songs, this being an excellent one, but I don’t want MY love story to be sad” kind of bothered “also this better have NOTHING to do with the fact that Shawn Mendes wrote this song!” - perhaps nervously thought JK 🤡🤣😂. In fact, there are a few situations that came up, involving him and JM, which “bothered” him and he had no qualms in bringing up with JM right away, which by the way is healthy AF. JK seems to be the type of partner that wants to confront you right away and will not let it be until he hears the words that make him know that the “conflict” is cleared to his own satisfaction, or until he senses you don’t want to talk about it any further in that particular moment.

Those are all examples, during AYS, where JK was satisfied with the answer that JM gave him to the legit concerns/silly questions he brought up. JK’s reaction right after all of those answers was him being content/happy, by laughing, singing along, or something else, hence moving on. Below is an example where he wasn’t satisfied with the answer:

Did he just drop it? Did they talk it out? As always, we will never know, as this part cuts into another scene. Only JK, JM and the editors will know and this is a fact we should never forget. Never forget about editing limitations, and this is a very good moment to add that even though whoever translated this show did a shitty ass job, the crew that went with them, to film in Sapporo specifically, seemed to be quite familiar with them, their dynamics almost like friends, which I think contributed with JK and JM feeling as comfy as they did in Japan.

Japan.

By the looks of it, this is the country that holds special meaning to both myself and my TwinFlame and, NGL, this kinda makes me happy and feel special LOL 😜. BUT, I DIGRESS! Didn’t JK seem a bit more … relaxed? Besides the very romantic fact that he wanted to go back to Tokyo because it was their first trip, didn’t JK seem a tad flirtier, a tad cuter, a tad more annoying, a tad comfier and just so fucking happy? He, and I’d dare say JM as well, truly let their guards down, even if just a tad. The fact that JK & JM wondered how the crew would have edited the content tells me that they were fully aware about the fact that they were being filmed, but didn’t want to think too much about it, because they wanted to also have a sense of freedom. Because of that, perhaps, they tried to give us as much realness as they could, restraining themselves in some instances, while also saying Fuck it! in few other cases during which they perhaps forgot about the fact that they were being filmed, confidently relying on their trusted crew to properly edit the footage in the best way possible. But back to the main point,

JK is in Love.

JK is probably the type of person who wishes he could have an answer, and/or remedy, to any problem his significant other may have. Yeah, he is probably the type of man that wishes he could take away all their pain, or feel it for them instead, and it is exactly because he seems to be willing to do anything for his loved one’s well-being that I think that sometimes he does struggle with some of their societal boundaries, such as; age hierarchy. Without getting too much into his EI, the part in episode 7 where he brings up how things would have been if he and JM would have been born the same year really stood out and stayed with me.

In this particular instance, for the first time I finally got to see him kinda mind about their age difference, almost troubled and not because he might think it to be a lot which it isn't at all, but because according to their societal practices, he theoretically should constantly be mindful about it, limiting greatly the actions he can do, not that he’s ever heed to them, but the fact is that he should, and in certain situations, he must. If we think about it properly, right from their debut years, JK has struggled a lot with referring, and treating, JM as a hyung, which is actually quite weird considering that the person he treated more like a “chingu” friend of the same age in this context was is Tae, even though, to my knowledge, he’s never dropped honorifics with him and had no desire in doing so, as explained during the first In The Soop which in hindsight, I’m sure must have confused Tae a lot who has been trying to be his cool hyung for as long as I can remember  (the following pictures are not from In The Soop, but Festa 2021). 

Like, it is honestly so peculiar how, back in the day, JK had never really treated JM as your typical “chingu”, nor a hyung, yet found himself sticking by JM’s side a lot, off cameras, filming him a lot, acting stand-offish just to apologise right after, staring at him a lot, learning all his likes and dislikes, studying his body and habits, doing questionable things such as focusing rather often on his lips and butt through a camera lens, which eventually evolved into JM being the first member he’s ever bought a gift for, as well as being the first member he’s ever travelled alone with… basically, as I’ve stated, JK has really never seen JM as his hyung or friend though he does try to remind himself of it. 

So if JM is not a hyung, or a “chingu”; then what is he? 🙄… 

Wanna know what’s even funnier? JM clearly cares about JK enormously and though he likes most of all of his sides cos JK can be annoying when he wants to 🤡✌🏾 the side he likes the most is his cute side; but here comes the catch. It would seem that from their debut days, JM truly became fond of that cutesy, happily skipping, side that JK shows with his hyungs in particular and the fact that they are ALL his hyung, including JM, just made writing this sentence so weird NGL …, that cuddly, super-maknae aura he has many a time, with literally everyone but the 95s, because Tae, as speculated, he seems to see as a chingu and JM as a … charming person?? Whatever that means.

Now JK does give JM “cute”, sometimes, but it is not the little brother kind of cute. It’s that “don’t go without me…” kind of cute, “let’s buy the same one” kinda cute, “you didn’t show me first, so I am hurt” kinda cute, “how do I look?” kind of cute “I can film you, but don’t film me” kind cute, “... spend time with ME!” kinda cute … you get the jist, don’t you? Cause, repeat after me; He a simp, he a simp, he a simp! And there is nothing wrong with being a simp tbh, as long as you own up to it, and JK does own up to it marvellously 💋.

And remember when I mentioned about him feeling sort of unsettled when JM isn’t around? I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of days but doesn’t it almost feel like a sort of … separation anxiety? Through the whole episodes it sometimes felt like he tried to do as much as possible, of anything, with JM as if he would just take off and leave at some point. This could also explain him always popping up on WEVERSE whenever JM took a flight, or trying his darn best to get him to come around even though they had just spent so much time together in the US. But who knows right? Perhaps he just really loves to spend every hour, every minute, every second with JM because, like crazy,  

JK is in Love.

So in love that he thought it important for himself to drive them to the airport, hence he didn’t drink that last beer I know he was dying inside, as well as taking a flight to Korea with JM, when he really could have just flown to the US from Japan. So in love that out of all the trips he's been to in his life, Are You Sure?! is the best trip he’s ever been on and he wishes to reboot when they come out of the military, where, by the way, they presently are together 🤡 . So in love that he wasn’t going to have JM get sad and lost in his own thoughts while in his presence, no, reason why, like a knight in shining armour, he “went and saved” him from his slump and not because JM was a princess in distress, but because prince charming also needs saving every once in a while If you ask me, the main “princess” in this relationship is my TwinFlame, no doubt, cause I also fo happen to think that they do take turns, for sure. Hence, the main “prince charming” is most definitely JM, and btw, frequency of a certain behaviour is not a factor that determines who is “main” 💋. 

Marengo Confession-Time!  😬- here it goes: I love watching people react to ANY 875 content, but I haven’t been able to watch anybody react to Are You Sure?! Because to put it plainly I am scared. I’m scared that people will question their relationship, or have homophobic reactions, or feel uncomfortable watching them when they do what they do. I just don’t want them to be hated for something they can’t help and are comfortable with. For the most part I am sure they would maybe nt comment, or chalk it up as “brotherly behavior", but what if they don’t? In fact, I am also so apprehensive of the reaction the world would have if they are a couple if they ever came out, it genuinely terrifies me.

I don’t want them to be looked at like freaks, or worse, so I am not able to bring myself to watch people react to them, in the same way I turn off when people have unwarranted shit to say when reacting to 875’s music. If they are a couple, I truly want them to be happy, safe, and become part of the Legendary Level ones. So, even though the world may not be fully ready to want their chapter in their history books, I hope it will someday,  because theirs would be such a motivating and enthralling chapter at that. 

I don’t know what will await them when they come out of ME. It is interesting though that JK made all these memories during the trip to take with himself and think about while serving. The snow he watched with JM, the restaurants they ate at, the time they tried skiing for the first time, the antics in the sauna and the “scuzzi”, the tuna-mayo gimbap he knew JM would love, the good afternoon and good night whiskey, and more. Now that I think about it, in some way, JK has a similar Love background to mine, he most likely wasn’t taught that romantic Love can come from someone of the same gender and he wasn’t exactly taught that not having children or a traditional family can be okay. 

Yet, I have a feeling that just like me, through movies perhaps, songs, or other means he’s figured out a thing or two. I have a feeling that he will decide for himself what Love is to himself, all the forms of Love he will need, who embodies Love for him, and what role Love will take in his life, and whether or not JM turns out to be that person MAKE NO MISTAKE: JM is an incredibly important person in his life. So, it is a strong feeling I have, but then again when has JK ever not taken control of his own life? When has he ever not followed his instincts and/or succumbed to what people want him to do? Same for JM really. 

These are two boys who found themselves in Seoul even though they were born in Busan, like, the universe wanted them to meet. They are two boys, who, along with the other five, made the phrase impossible Is Nothing feel real. After all, these are indeed two boys who really can’t be told to do anything. There is a very famous quote, which kinda makes me think of them:

I am the Master of my Fate, I am the Captain of my Soul.

So yeah, the future is uncertain but one thing is for sure, no relationship that took so long, so much care, and so many trails to build, can be so easily destroyed. So, fighting TwinFlame, whatever it is you want, you got this! 👊🏾.

Always respectfully yours 🫰🏾💜,

Marengo.

PS - Dammit! I miss them so much 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[chilly-me-softly]

Every Little Thing’s Gonna Be Alright • Chapter 10

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 

Ben watches Evelyn from afar while she's on the couch watching some documentary on TV. She's wearing a sweatshirt that highlights her belly, the hood up over her head acting as a block to the outside world. He remembers how she had once told him that everything is muffled like that, and it was a good way for when she wanted company but didn't feel like talking so much. Kind of like in those days.

When they all still lived together he was the one who distracted her, who didn't let her stay in her head too much. He'd carry her around with him, hand her a joystick and they'd spend hours playing games or simply become the annoying brother who teased her. All so he wouldn't see that sad or thoughtful expression on her face.

He smiles to himself at the memory of the dirty looks, threats and sometimes even slaps he used to receive, approaching her and resting a chocolate on her belly. Evelyn starts to play with it, drawing the outline with her index finger and making circles on her belly. This is not appreciated by the little girl who, with a sudden movement, makes the little sweet tremble slightly.

Evelyn scoffs giving her belly a gentle tap rolling her eyes as Ben smiles at the scene and leans forward slightly.

"Hi Joanna, uncle Ben here. Mum didn't mean to, she's just out of her mind. So Gabriela, I would advise you to be good at least for today"

"What the hell are you babbling about?" Evelyn turns to her brother, the shadow of a satisfied smile on his face.

"I'm just talking to my niece, Gloria"

"Okay, are you drunk?"

"No" he chuckles, "I'm helping out here. You said you didn't have a name yet" he says shrugging.

"That is until a couple of days ago..." Ben opens his mouth surprised and indignant, "Excuse me?! What were you waiting for to tell me?!"

"Not long now. It will be a surprise"

"But I want to know!" he complains jumping slightly on the spot and pounding his fists on his thighs, making his sister shrug and look at him with a sly smile.

"Okay then I'm guessing, I don't have anything else to do" he says shortly afterwards sticking his tongue out at her as she rolls her eyes in response. "Who knows, you might even change your mind about Fiona"

"Nah I'm pretty convinced"

"Yeah but are you sure? I mean Viola might not like it after all" she shakes her head dismissively, "Or oh! you could do like that TV show you watched time ago where they all named their kids after their last names" Ben snaps his fingers as if he's found the perfect solution.

"I'm not calling my baby Chilwell. And besides that will be her surname, so Chilwell Chilwell... I don't think so"

"That would be original though" one look from her was enough to make him raise his hands in surrender.

"So you decided to leave him out?"

"It's my baby. It's pretty clear now, I don't see why I should make him this gift"

"Yeah, you're right"

"But she's going to be a Chilwell, she'll have plenty to worry about on this side of the family too anyway" she says sarcastically running a hand through her hair, the hood droops slightly and she does nothing to fix it and Ben takes it as a signal to finally spill the beans.

"I called mum the other night. After the hospital" he says all in one breath as Evelyn doesn't flinch, almost as if she didn't hear him.

"I was so out of my mind. I told her to fucking grow up because if anything happens to you again..." Ben left the sentence hanging as Evelyn opened her mouth to speak but couldn't, the meaning of what her brother had just said hit her overpoweringly.

"I checked your phone, I saw she'd been the last person you had called" he keeps on moving his gaze around the room for a moment, answering the silent question he knows she's wondering among many other things.

"Ben"

"I know, I'm sorry. But I was really scared that night for you and the little one" the girl sighs at this point, reaching out slightly to squeeze her brother's leg in a vain attempt to thank him for having her back once again.

"I don't want you to-" but he doesn't even let her finish her sentence, shaking his head and resting one of his hands on hers.  

"When she comes to her senses I'll be happy to forget all about this. But until then you're my priority Lyn" and she stays silent, again, torturing her lip to keep from getting emotional again and again.

"Maybe I should never have come back or stayed for all that matter" she murmurs lowering her gaze.

"Don't be stupid now"

"It's just that I came back mainly for her you know. Because all of a sudden I was scared and I thought that mum would be there for me. And now I sometimes wonder why I'm still here, that's all" she feels so guilty in revealing all that to her brother, to the man who practically offered her a roof over her head without saying anything and without expecting anything in return. To those who have really been there for her.

"You're here because there are so many other people who love you in spite of everything, who are willing to help you. And I'll probably never fully understand what was going through your head at the time, but you're here now. And nothing else matters"

"You're not a disappointment, you're not a failure, and you're not going to be banished from the family just because you're about to bring another life into the world" Ben says seriously while, needless to say, tears form in Evelyn's eyes. She really can't wait to regain control over her emotions.

"I'm so grateful you decided to come to me first anyway" and she feels her brother's arms wrapping around her body as she takes a deep breath and drinks in his so familiar scent.

-

She moves her feet waiting while the phone in front of her shows her face. And she fixes her hair as best she can, realising perhaps at the last possible minute the way she looks, when her frame ends in the bottom right corner and Jack's image appears full screen. He is on his stomach, his face half hidden by the pillow and an obvious tired expression on his face. But he still looks more presentable than she does.

"Hi" she says shyly, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, the shadow of a smile on her face. He sets the phone down in front of him and once he was sure it wouldn't fall, he arranges the pillow in a better way too, folding it and resting his chin on it as he greets her back.

"Are you tired?"

"Not really, I'm just relaxing"

"Liar" she states softly, one corner of her mouth slightly turned up.

"I'm not!" he insists but is betrayed by a yawn as she shakes her head in amusement.

And when she returns to focus her gaze on him, she notices that he's already looking at her. The way his eyes seem to study her, with that piercing gaze even though they're not exactly face to face, embarrasses her most of the time. She can't handle it. "Stop it! Why are you looking at me like that?"

"It's the first time you've called me" he replies sincerely, not losing eye contact. That apparently futile little gesture seems to hide a more important meaning behind it.

"Wait, should I be worried?" his expression changes in the blink of an eye, following a thought of his own as his head snaps upwards, the pillow opening in two returning to its original shape.

"I just wanted to hear you" she murmurs as he sighs relieved, resting his head on the open palm of his hand now. He pauses to look at her as she is caught up in something and stays silent. He wishes he could poke her in the side, see if he could take that expression off her face for a while or be able to hear her laugh. But the screen on his phone reminds him that no, he can't.

"Hey, what's going on?" he urges her then and Evelyn looks up at Jack, tries a smile but isn't sure about the result.

"Nothing it's just... I didn't feel good the other night. Ben took me to the hospital"

"What happened?" he asks surprised, incredulous and worried more than anything, clutching his pillow the only thing he can cling to at the moment.

"I had what you could call a panic attack. I called my mother, she hung up on me and that was it" Evelyn shrugs.

"Sorry you... you have this power to shake everything off that's unbelievable" he shakes his head, looking at her as if she could disappear at any moment.

"I just don't want to think about it, okay? To pause and think about what could have happened"

He sighs, it could be seen he'd like to say more but holds back. She has obviously reached out to him for support, she doesn't need someone yelling at her at the moment. "How are you two doing?"

"She's fine, I'm a mess. It's just..." Evelyn shifts slightly, crossing her legs, "it's been another month"

"Sometimes I think if she doesn't want to be a part of her grandchildren's life or mine, okay fuck her. Yeah I'm the one who made the mistake but I've done everything I can to talk to her. I can't just get in my car and knock on her door until she opens it. I'm tired of always making the first move" Evelyn forcefully wiped away a tear that forced its way down her cheek as she remembered the silence she had received during that phone call. Silence that can hurts more than a slap most of the time.

"On the other hand, I try to put myself in her shoes and tell myself that maybe... maybe she just needs a little more time. But just how much more time does she need, Jack? How much more time must pass before she wants to talk to me? This baby will be born soon and I just need her"

"I just want my mom" and it's that moment that he hates with all his heart. In another situation he wouldn't have thought twice about wrapping his arms around the other person. It breaks his heart to have to watch her break in front of him without being able to do anything, standing motionless on the other side of the screen. He just wants to hold her in his arms and tell her it's going to be okay.

"Sorry, I know. I seem to be crying all the time lately" she murmurs passing her hands under her eyes to wipe away those tears.

"Okay put your headphones on and find a comfortable position" he states firmly, pulling himself up and resting his back against the headboard.

"What?" she murmurs confused.

"Headphones, come on" he repeats and despite the confusion, she does as Jack asked by putting on the headphones and lying on her side and adjusting her phone so that she can continue to see him.

"Now close your eyes"

"Jack"

"Close them Eve or it won't work" he immediately interrupts any sort of protest she might have put up at that moment.

"I hate you"

"It's okay, I can live with that" he jokes and can clearly see the smile that appears briefly on her face after she closes her eyes.

"Just focus on my voice now. Everything is gonna be alright. I know it seems hard to see it now but I believe in it, I believe in you and I know you can do it. You are strong, stronger than you think. And if there should be days when the world seems to be crashing down on you, I'll always be here for you" his mother's voice saying those same words echoes in Jack's mind as he tries to be as reassuring as possible, hoping that those words will help her as much as they have helped him time and time again over the past few years.

"Thank you" Evelyn murmurs and then opens her eyes and stares at him intently, "Thank you"

"Can you keep talking? I like your voice"

"Yeah sure" and slowly she closes her eyes again, allowing herself to be lulled by his voice until she inevitably falls asleep. Her breathing more regular, her mouth slightly open.

"Evelyn... see, I should have been worried. Goodnight" he sighs, looking at her one last time before ending the call. That night, despite the tiredness, he struggles to fall asleep.

----

Tag: @alexajanecollins @emwritesfootball

Chapter 11

[consttellatio]

Daughter of Triton (Hook x Mermaid!Reader)

Synopsis: You’d never met a man that fought against you like that, nor one that was so hell bent on saving his crew.

A/N: First time writing a one shot/imagine and also first time writing for OUAT, maybe my last time as well but who knows? Hope you enjoy! Inspired by the Little Mermaid, I do know she’s in the show but I couldn’t resist my own interpretation, it’s only slightly hinted that you’re the little mermaid but nothing heavy! 

Warnings: Small mention of death and blood but nothing gory or extreme, reader is described as female in one line but if that’s a problem message me I can easily edit and change the line to something gender neutral. :)

The wave rolled in slowly against the shore, barely making a small hiss as it rolled back into the ocean blue. You extended your hand out feeling the softness of the sand, still damp from the retreating tide. You gave a low sigh, you had thought tonight would have been a lot more entertaining.

The sandy beach across from you was lit up by hundreds of different lanterns. Two teenagers raced past, your eyes chased both the lights and them. A gust of wind swept after them and the lights flickered, threatening to blow out. Lanterns and bells had also now been hung to warn humans of the untameable shore.

And of you and your sisters.

The lanterns were lit like stars against an inky black sky. Looking up, a small smile came to your face knowing that sailors would have trouble finding their way on a night like this. A ripple ascended in the water and you turned to find your sister waiting.

“Where have you been?” she seethed. Pushing yourself off the rock you were resting on, you followed her as you dived under the shore.

“What happened?” You asked. Your sisters scarlet tail nearly slammed you in the face as you both charged forward.

“A pirate ship made its way here,” Attina explained and then grabbed your hand, nails digging in as she dragged you forward. You both broke through the surface to a circle of rocks. Andrina rested against a rock waiting. She gave a cold glare that sent shivers down your spine.

“Where were you? It’s already begun!” You looked at the ship that was heading your way to the sharp jagged rocks. By the looks of it, your sisters had done a good job, although chaos soon seemed to be breaking out on deck.

You were the youngest of Triton’s daughters and his favourite too. Triton ruled these waters under an iron fist, sailors like the ones who were coming in now were unlucky to meet the wrath that he had passed on to his daughters.

“We’ve already begun to sing,” you heard your sister hiss. You noticed your sisters hiding their tails behind rocks giving the illusion that they were shipwrecked maids in need of saving. The trick was to cry first and then sing to lure them. Your sister's argued that all men loved to play hero, and what better men to play it with than the ones who hadn’t seen a woman in months?

The song was overpoweringly melodic, yet there was no seduction, only sadness and grief laced in their words. More pirates joined the weak and clung over to the edges of the ship to catch a glimpse of them. The melody mesmerised the sailor’s entire being.

“You can’t steer or go off course without asking Hook!” One man shouted.

Screw Hook, you thought to yourself, come to us.

“Who changed our course?” A man who you assumed was the Captain entered. “We’re supposed to be going North.”

“Look,” pointed the man with a red hat, “castaways.”

Your sister's dramatically flung their hands out to the man named Hook and let tears roll down their faces. He stared them down for what seemed like forever before turning around to his crew.

“Those aren’t castaways,” he yelled, “those are sirens.”

Wrong. An easy mistake yet you felt yourself huff at the name. There are no more sirens around these parts, you wanted to shout back, your kind killed them all.

“Come on you fools,” the Captain yelled at his crew. You grinned, knowing they had no clue that you had four more sisters in the sea circling their boat. One by one they appeared, bobbing their heads above water, waving to the men above and motioning for them to come join. One man jumped, and your sister kissed him before giggling and shortly dragging him down to the depths of the water with her. Crimson then dyed the deep blue and you swore you could hear his screams through the waves.

To your excitement, hysteria broke out on the deck. The captain struggled with control over the ship as more and more men fought him to steer. The men that didn’t fight had either been tied to the ship, not wanting their weak will to compromise their crew’s safety, or went overboard, flocking towards your sisters.

“How come they get all the fun?” Andrina grumbled watching another sister drag down more men. “Keep singing,” Attina commanded.

The ship came at a wild speed towards you and havoc raged across the deck. A lantern had crashed in the chaos and scorching flames broke out and caught hold of the flag. You found yourself watching the Captain as he pulled out a sword and began hacking at his own men. He began making his way across the deck and you wondered in curiosity at what he was doing.

He reappeared without his sword and you grinned, knowing he had given up.

Except, he hadn’t. Instead, he emerged with a bow and arrow, and then aimed directly at your sister’s heart. You felt yourself hiss, fangs emerging and your sister only narrowly missing the arrow. You went to charge forward before an arm held you back.

“It’s too late,” Attina then grinned, “he’s lost.”

Your sister was right. The ship creaked dangerously as a wave thrust them forward directly into the rocks in front of you. You dived yourself into the sea, only staying long enough to hear the wood of the ship splinter and crack along with the screams of men. The water was cold, but as you grabbed hold of a young sailor only a few years older than you and dragged him down screaming, you barely felt it.

-o-

The waves rolled in again and again the next morning. Sitting at the same rock pool you had been at the night before, you played with the stash of treasure you had found from the wreckage. Medallions and trinkets were all you could find that were worth saving, for a pirate ship they had travelled lightly.

One of the lockets you had pocketed had leaves engraved onto it, a topaz gem laid in the centre. You rolled your thumb across it, underneath the sunlight it glittered almost as bright as the ocean. A loud cry came from a seagull above and you dropped it into the pouch which held the others.

Looking across the sandy beach you were opposite from, you tried searching for the bird. Instead, you found a boot. Curious as to where its owner could be, you slid yourself across the rock to explore. Reaching it, you found it full of sand and guessed it had been chucked out to be taken off to sea.

Plucking a pebble from rocks, you began throwing them across the beach wanting to hear them sink into the sand. On your fifth throw, there was a sharp thud.

Your head snapped up and found your stone had encountered a body laying across the beach. Fear spread through you, paralysing you as you worried that you had knocked a human out. You twisted a pebble through your fingers and waited for him to move. The sun glared down harshly, sweat breaking out on your back. He stayed still. After several more waves and cries from the gulls above, you dragged yourself onto the sand.

You had never been this far from the sea before as you dragged your tail behind you. Grabbing a piece of driftwood, you gently began to poke him, pleading for him to move. When he didn’t, you made the decision to go closer.

Once you tilted his head to face you, you were relieved at the recognition that filled you. It was the Captain of the ship you had brought down that laid before you. You checked his pulse and waited until you felt a small, dull thump beneath your fingers. He was alive… barely.

He took a sharp breath and you jumped, panicking at the idea of being on your own with a human. He sputtered and coughed, heaving up seawater. To your relief, he closed his eyes again, not moving, and you stayed there.

Suddenly, you became strangely conscious of the man in front of you. His hair was dark, almost black and his skin pink and burnt under the sun. When you came to think about it, he was quite handsome. Tilting his head again, you found the stubble on his cheeks tickled you, but forgot about it instantly as you realised how warm he was.

You sighed, knowing what you had to do. Grabbing a few of the pebbles you had thrown his way, you calculated your aim at the bells surrounding the lanterns. Your first throw was weak and missed by a mile. Your second was better, but not good enough. On your third one, your reward was a large dong of the bell alerting everyone nearby. After a few chimes, you tore the jacket he wore from him and rested it over his head to prevent the sun from burning him anymore until someone came.

Moving away, you went to give his hand a tight squeeze in parting, but instead found a solid metal hook. The sounds of humans drawing nearer made you dive away before you could even question it.  Surfacing, gasping again and again, you hid behind the rock pool, watching the scene play out.

Resting your head on the rock, you watched as villagers crowded around him. Staring at a serving girl’s bare legs, you felt yourself comparing your own tail which swirled in the water. The man woke up again spluttering, then searching wildly around.

“There was a girl,” he said as the villagers tried to get him to calm down. “She was right here!” Your heart sunk and you curled behind the rocks, praying to every sea God that he didn’t remember who you were.

“There’s no one here, my boy,” said an elderly man. “How did you end up here?” Looking around the shore dazed, he settled on leaving the subject of you behind. “My ship was wrecked during the storm last night.”

“King Triton must have been angry,” you heard a girl say. No, you thought as you clutched onto your pouch, but his daughters were. “No,” he said, his words soon dripped with hate. “There were sirens.” The old man laughed.

“You must have hit your head,” he chortled, “there are no sirens, we hunted them all.” “But there were women,” he argued. “It must have been Merpeople,” a young girl giggled, teasing him. You poked your head up again and watched as they helped him make his way up to the stone path.

“I’ll prove it you, I’ll find them.” “And if they do exist, what then? Kill them?” There was a momentary pause before he and the old man looked back at the shore.

“Aye, maybe something like that.”

The seagull circling above seemed to be mocking as you, not for the fact that you didn’t take the opportunity to kill him when you had the chance, but for the fact you couldn’t help wondering if his eyes were the same colour as the sea you suddenly felt restrained to. 

A/N: Shall I write a part 2? Some response would really be appreciated as well  :)