#its really like that ''who killed hannibal'' meme for real

[kil9]

I kinda hate that stupid "throw all the other lgbt flags on top of the lgbt flag instead of just educating people that it's an lgbt flag not just gay" but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bring some comfort when I see it.... especially with more and more transphobes from the woodwork using their lgbt status to excuse themselves..... like yeah I guess it is kinda nice 😓

[bettsfic]

do you know anything about like, the development of the purity rhetoric that now seems to be ubiquitous in fandom and how it got there? i used to be on tumblr in like, 2014 and only recently came back to fandom and i remember everyone being generally kind of cool with things like incest ships and morally grey characters (speaking specifically re the frozen fandom and elsa/anna here lmao) whereas now it seems like the conversation about those things has drastically shifted and i am..puzzled by it

this is what i imagine that experience was like for you:

according to fanlore, purity culture started in the homestuck fandom which. based on what i know of homestuck, that tracks. however i’ve never been in homestuck so i’m not sure what that transformation was like. all i know is my personal experience with the disk horse. afaik there’s no cohesive timeline of events across fandom, and i lack the time and resources to be able to make one myself. if anyone knows of one, or wants to make one, please let me know.

i do know that purity culture is a movement started by very young teenagers, who were maybe 13-15 in 2014 and are now 18-20. they were 8-10 when ao3 was founded, and therefore seem to have a limited knowledge of fan history, censorship, and critical thinking. i’m hoping that since they’re now entering college, they’ll get some insight and broader social awareness, and this movement will finally die out in the next few years. 

on any other platform, at any other time, their toxic rhetoric would not have gained traction. but here and now, on tunglr dot com where anyone can gain a platform, where mob mentality thrives and inciting an anonymous dogpile is as easy as hitting Post, where the brokenness of this place makes it difficult to control the content you’re exposed to -- it’s the perfect storm. we live in an age of hopelessness. young people grow up with social media as an extension of their identities, tethered to devices that hold all the information in the world. i think it’s fair for them to be afraid of their futures, and i can understand the desire to control the online spaces where they have the most agency, where their voices are the loudest. 

that may explain why, but not how. as in, where did they pick up this mentality at all? @freedom-of-fanfic (whose work is a necessity in understanding the disk horse) connected anti-shipping to TERF rhetoric. i’ve linked the fanlore page because it has all of the links and some of the responses. i honestly do believe that the language surrounding purity culture has its ugly roots in TERFdom. at its core, purity culture -- the policing of female and queer sexuality -- is misogyny. 

when i started writing destiel circa 2014, fandom was as you described. wincest was a juggernaut on par with destiel. teen wolf was full of underage and noncon. a/b/o was on the rise. it seemed like fandom was a genre without restraint -- anything you wrote, if it found the right audience, would be celebrated unabashedly. people who have been following me for a long time know that i was addicted to adderall at the time and pounding out all sorts of manic nonsense. i remember living on the validation of comments (and at the time, there were lots of comments. not so much anymore, but that’s another story). i got critical comments only rarely, and they were the type that i admired -- readers without judgment thinking through the story, reacting to it earnestly. i made some of my best friends because they left long, critical comments on my work. sometimes they didn’t like it, sometimes they did, but ultimately, they were engaged, and that’s what counted.

i remember my first policing-type comment, i think at the start of all the purity nonsense. it was a destiel fic, and someone very angrily told me i should tag my bottom!cas because it was triggering. i’ve thought about that comment a lot over the years. top/bottom discourse is nothing new, but to say that bottom castiel is triggering? that was ridiculous. but then i realized -- there was a writer in fandom at the time i won’t name, who was known for being extremely sensitive (for bottom!cas especially, which they found triggering), and their very dedicated following offered fic that was safe for their fave to read. i have nothing against this person at all. they were not part of the purity discourse, they were up front about their sensitive nature, and as far as i knew (i believe i met them at a con once?) they were very kind. 

but that commenter had been clearly influenced by this person and believed that a specific fictional character receiving anal sex from another specific fictional character was actual, real triggering content, and it was my obligation as a writer to tag for it. which i did, because i felt bad, and i was baffled by that request. at the time, i wanted more than anything to be liked, and conformed wherever i could. if i got such a request now, i would ignore it because it was rudely written and honestly kind of bonkers. i’d happily add a tag for something i may have missed, or even something i’d never considered before, but there’s no reason a person can’t make that request politely. 

this situation isn’t about purity discourse proper (the commenter didn’t tell me not to write the fic, and it had nothing to do with morality), but it’s the earliest example i can think of where the process of policing had occurred: a person of influence on tumblr affected their follower’s thinking, and that follower felt entitled to command another writer to conform to that ideology.

i could be completely wrong about making these connections. maybe that commenter truly believed bottom!cas was a legitimate widespread trauma. they did not say the fic was triggering to them, but that it might be to some other people, in the same way purity police say “think of the CHILDREN” when in fact they don’t give a fuck about children at all. 

after destiel i moved to stucky, which was, at the time, a juggernaut ship where anyone could write anything. this was also the time when the term “cinnamon roll” became incredibly popular, circa 2015. it was a fun and seemingly innocuous meme, but it positioned the ideas of “purity” and “wholesomeness” in sharp relief, and cemented these ideas by beginning to give it a distinct vocabulary. “trash” was pitched as its opposite. stucky is where i first came into contact with “antis.” in destiel, there had been ship wars, sure, but it was of a different flavor than antis. destiel vs wincest wasn’t about morality in 2014. it was about everything but.

in stucky in 2015, however, the disk horse was running rampant. the MCU had a sub-section of fandom called HTP (hydra trash party) in which steve and/or bucky have dubious or nonconsensual relations with various or many members of hydra. this is the first time i remember being aware of morality becoming a cornerstone of shipping. HTP was loathed by purity police. by the time i wrote a stucky bdsm au, i’d accumulated multiple nasty anons, rude comments from entitled readers, and other nonsense that all said the same thing: your filth is not welcome here in our space of purity. go away.

but the release of the force awakens is what really turned the tide. TFA offered three major ships: stormpilot (as it was called at the time, now finnpoe), reylo, and kylux. the fandom that developed around the sequels was firmly divided. franzeska wrote an amazing meta about this phenomenon which gives some insight into the seeds of purity policing. in short, stormpilot should have been the primary pairing of the sequels, but instead many of the badwrong writers from other fandoms (and HTP specifically, which was how i entered the fandom) flocked to the blank slate of kylux. 

it took a long time for the ship to gain traction. a friend told me that kylux had started with angry star wars racists who hated that there was diversity in the sequel trilogy. and i told them no, i was there, there were twelve of us and a cornchip, and all we cared about was the dirty/darkly comedic potential of these two ridiculous villain characters in one of the biggest franchises of all time. it wasn’t that complicated. i don’t mean to dismiss the discussion of race in fandom; i think it’s important to acknowledge that racism, as franzeska describes far better than i can, plays a huge part in fandom, particularly in star wars, and it’s an important and ongoing discussion to be having, especially given what kelly marie tran has gone through, and how it affected (presumably) rose tico’s extremely limited presence in TROS.

the early fics of kylux weren’t particularly taboo. they were post-TFA hurt/comfort mostly, then slowly the bdsm and power dynamics crept in. those of us who wanted to get away from purity discourse had finally found a new home. for a while. 2016 was the golden era of kylux. we were all very happy.

i remember talking to a friend about how there were certain things i couldn’t write in certain ships. being from ye olden days of fandom, she was appalled by this idea, and told me i could write anything for any ship i wanted, wasn’t that was the whole point of transformative works? and i agreed! but i tried to explain, if you post badwrong for a fandom of purity police, you’re going to, at best, get dogpiled in your comments/inbox. at worse they will find you, call your employer, and try to ruin your life. people will tell you to kill yourself. they’ll report your tumblr and try to get your blog shut down. there are real-life, harrowing consequences to writing taboo fic, and many who write fic as a hobby don’t have the emotional energy to field these risks.

around this time, discord became popular, which offered a private space for badwrong writers to congregate. i had started grad school and didn’t have much time to write fic. metoo was happening. tromp got elected. kylux was slowly turning mainstream so a lot of us turned our attention to gradence in fantastic beasts. some went on to hannibal and other fandoms that hadn’t yet caught the attention of purity police (but it was, as it is now, just a matter of time). kylux, i feel, was specifically decimated by a single fan creator, who was like a police chief. they would get wind of someone writing underage or noncon and write a call-out post about them, and that writer/artist would get pitchforked. a few times, my comments or posts got screencapped, and posts were written urging people to stop reading my works because of how heinously immoral i was. this happened to several of my friends too. 

the great tumblr tittyban of 2017 happened, which only added fuel to the fire and further legitimized the purity movement. i shifted hesitantly to the 100 fandom, which seemed small in comparison to supernatural, marvel, and star wars. i thought it was a chill place. i was wrong; it was just as toxic as other fandoms. but i also didn’t care anymore, and i appreciated that i was mostly left alone. more importantly, i found a lot of support from other people who were as tired of the purity as i was, and @the100kinkmeme was reborn. 

the state of things is pretty abysmal. there are some really amazing writers out there writing under multiple sock accounts, keeping their fandom identities shattered so as not to call attention to themselves. as much as i understand why writers do that, and i respect that decision, i also think it’s sad. it deprives readers the chance to read that author’s other works. it limits the sense of community and our ability to make friends. it fractures the future of the genre.

what’s most important to acknowledge is that none of this is happening solely in fandom. i went to a writers’ conference where 2 of 3 panels were about the history of moral policing and censorship in art. it is worth noting that of the 40-ish visiting writers on faculty, only one (1) was a woman of color (jaimaica kincaid). naturally, older rich white people who have spent their life in the arts are all about death of the author, separation of art and artist. they’re on the total opposite side of purity police, and they won’t acknowledge at all that racism and sexism are a problem in the creative world. they don’t have any nuance on the discussion, or modern perspectives in light of metoo or popular culture. 

this went on longer than i anticipated. i neglected to mention YFIP (your fave is problematic) an old blog that started the idea of call-out culture by pulling receipts on celebrities, and how call-out culture led to cancel culture, which also aided in the purity disk horse. i think a lot can be said about how some of this stuff is genuinely good (metoo and holding men accountable for their bullshit) while also being profoundly toxic (punishing criminals via mob mentality, ruining their careers and livelihoods through social media, rather than giving them their due process in court. i understand it -- the judicial system is built by the hands of the very predators we seek to condemn, but still. the jury of the internet is never a fair trial). 

if you want to read more, my tag is tsatp (the sacred and the profane). i’m sure i’ve left out a lot, but i can only speak to my experience. i think it would be good if people would share their experience dealing with purity policing, too, so we might get a cohesive timeline in place. feel free to reblog and add your story.

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

hey I was wondering what do you think of hannibal, both generally and also that ending?

oh god that’s rather complicated. while I’ve watched the full show several months ago, my memory is but a sieve. this time around I only watched season three so I’ll be mostly focusing on that.

but generally... I like hannibal a lot though I think it’s kind of unwieldy and sprawling?

I enjoy its themes, its aesthetic, and the characters’ emotional journeys. I also love the source material and fanfictionesque reinterpretations are my favorite sort of adaptation. the role reversal element is my absolute favorite aspect of season two.

the consistently artsy murders begin to be a bit bullshit after awhile, but they had a vision they were going for and I respect that.

the writing style is notoriously esoteric and overwrought. (the “tell me will” meme khfhgsggdf) I think the show did often have something to say but it was just bullshitting frequently enough to get grating. I adore it when characters get to sit down and have pretentious heart to hearts, that’s everything I want ever. but I just wish there was more natural dialogue in between. not everything needs to be dressed up in obscure metaphors and counter intuitive phrasing. obfuscating what your characters are talking about doesn’t make it more high brow, it just makes it annoying to parse lol.

a big deal breaker for many people is that the show’s also intensely unkind to its female characters. and I think it probably became aware of this around season three given that alana, margot, and freddie are all relatively safe (the former two only after the verger arc is resolved, but still) and how awesome molly is.

that underlying bias is still there though and is evident in how bella’s mercy killed without a thought (or her consent), everything about chiyoh, and how molly and walter pretty much exist as a single unit just to be a family for will to lose. an issue with hannibal is that it doesn’t take its female characters as seriously. and so while it tries to lean towards more equal opportunity violence, or giving us more diversity in its female driven subplots, that fundamental disregard is still there. it shines through, and it is glaring.

anyway, I’ve said it before but imo the single weakest point of... everything, is hannibal himself. I love his characterization and how mads mikkelson portrays him. but the narrative is simply too enamored with him in a way that becomes frustrating. he’s infallible, and invincible, and it’s ridiculous! the larger than life portrayal is fine, initially. but those kinds of villains, you build them up to break them down. there isn’t any catharsis if they’re just perfect, evil cardboard cutouts forever. and hannibal is just that. he barely had any development or progress. his one weakness seems to be his obsession with will— and occasionally the petty need to have the last laugh/have pissing contests with anyone who might try to upstage him, but I don’t think the narrative really acknowledges or even realizes that that is a weakness. the narrative framing is frequently just as petty as he is, so I really doubt there’s much self awareness there.

anyway I liked the ending a lot! but imo it’s also not a positive one as opposed to more of a psychological unspooling. I feel bad for will? and I want him to be happy? which isn’t a thing I think he can necessarily achieve while in hannibal’s clutches. but as a conclusion to the show, it’s a satisfying one for me.

I think there’s a tremendous amount of despair in that final bloody embrace and choice to throw them both off the cliff.

over the course of the show we see will grow to trust hannibal, to hating him for everything he’s putting him through. and then eventually coming out of the whole “gaslit to hell and back and framed for serial murder” ordeal and realizing that that fostered codependency is still there. he grapples with that through a lot of season two, dithering between turning him in/helping him be captured, and letting hannibal go. he ultimately decides on the latter (apparently on an impulse) and that results in so much bloodshed and misery. clearly it isn’t an option. but once hannibal’s finally captured, his bullshit profiling is apparently still imperative to solving serial killer cases lol and he’s *still* pulling all the strings from inside his cell! neither of these outcomes have been any good. it leaves will without real options.

I think it’s ambiguous if the breaking point is more genuine codependency/realizing he’s just as obsessed with hannibal as vice versa or the fact that hannibal almost killed his entire family and will probably continue to terrorize them all lmfao. in all likelihood it’s a mix of both. but there is a breaking point and bedelia outright states the dilemma: can’t live with him, can’t live without him. so will opts to go down with him instead. and I love that! it’s very cathartic and upsetting and fraught.

the very first time I saw the post credit scene I was pretty mad about it bc bedelia was my favorite character but at this point I’m desensitized. I get why they went for a shock value scene and by that point their cast was dwindling.

but yeah that scene leaves many interesting questions. how the fuck did they survive, did they both survive? hallucinating your best buddy is def a recurring theme in this lol. is will cool with the cannibalism? what’s the plan?? what happened to molly???

they’re questions I don’t necessarily need answered though. I’d like to see a season four but I’m also happy with where it ended, even if it’s kind of gutting for will to end up stuck with hannibal lmao

[best-enemies]

For the fandom ask meme thing can I request the whole damn alphabet or is that not very cash money of me? I’m nosy lmao I wanna know all of them!

AHDKAJSDKJAHSKDA JACK YOU’RE THE BEST

A - Your current OTP(s)/OT3(s)/OTX(s)

I’ve had my current OTP for like almost 8 years and it’s, obviously, Thoschei (Doctor/Master). My other current obsession is the Gallifrey OT4 hehehe

B - A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind

It’s funny because I didn’t ship Hannigram at first... I’d thought the idea of a cannibal having a relationship was terrifying because what if they had sex and Hannibal got hungry in the middle of the act? Lmaoooo 

But yeah they’re my endgame now. I watched the show when it first aired and I was about 14/15 years old so now you see why I thought that. Although I’m still afraid I’m gonna be reading a fic and Hannibal will suddendly bite Will’s dick off or smth AKJHSAKJSAHSASKAJ

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will (be nice)

Uhhh Doctor/Clara. Mainly because I don’t like to ship the Doctor with companions (there may be one or two exceptions but I don’t ship them enough to actually say I ship them lol) and I don’t know I just never vibed with it

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t (again: be nice)

Doctor/River. I mean, I did like it for a while years ago but now it’s just... eh. I think she has a waaay better chemistry with the 12th Doctor, but still don’t ship it. I might give it a try once I listen to the River audios but so far meh. I’m not much of a multishipper anyway.

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom, if so, what

God. I’ve written a couple of Academy Era (focused on the Deca) crack fanfics and I still have to translate them to English. They’re pure garbage but I love them. I have a lot of fun writing crack fics because they’re easier and I can ignore whatever piece of canon I want just for the laughs

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom

Guess it’s Doctor Who, been here (in and out of the fandom) for over 8/9 years

G - Do you remember your first OTP, if so who was in it

Uhhhh I think it was Han Solo and Leia, since I was a kid really. I wanted to marry both of them lol

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., tv shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)

I had to google what a source text is and still don’t know

I - Has tumblr caused you to stop liking any fandoms, if so, which and why

I don’t think so, but Twitter definitively has. I remember a couple years ago I was curious to see what voltron was about and watched a few episodes, it was ok, fun and cute but the fandom was so annoying I stopped watching it for good and don’t care about it enough to pick it up again

J - Name a fandom you didn’t care/think about until you saw it all over tumblr

I had definitively forgotten about supernatural until I saw it all over my dashboard in the year of our lord 2020 lmao like in my wholock days I tried to watch the show because everyone on my dash (is it still called dashboard?) was talking about it and I watched about 8 episodes before dropping it. But seeing it again on the dash was actually a happy surprise because the memes are too funny hahaha

K -Say something nice about someone in any of your fandoms

I’m extremely shy irl and on the internet as well but I wanna say that  @janeturenne is one of the best authors ever and her fanfics are a blessing in my life; also @thebraxiatelcollection who brings awesome content to my dash and is also one of the best authors. And of course, you, Jack, also one of the best authors god I’m so BLESSED

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves (chars you’re neutral on are fair game, as are chars you dislike)

Uhhh I guess I’m neutral about the current companions. They’re not my favorites but I don’t really dislike them - they had a lot of potential and chibs came up with some good storylines but did not develop them well in my opinion. I think Graham is a fun grandpa whom I’m going to miss when he leaves; Ryan is cool and could’ve done a lot more if the writers had kept a few things, it’d be awesome if he vlogged all of their adventures. He’s like the one I was curious to see more but sadly didn’t feel a connection; and Yaz, I hope she’ll keep growing and that her friendship with the Doctor will finally be developed to a level we can connect to her.

It sounds weird because with the fam it’s always ‘what I wish could have been’ because I never felt really connected to them :(

M - Say something genuinely nice about a ship that you don’t ship (or its shippers, or anything related to you)

Ok... I don’t really ship Rey/Finn but I think it’s one of the sweetest ships ever, and if they ended up together I’d be happy. They love each other and are there for each other always so, yeah :D

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice)

I don’t know if I got the question right but it’s three things I wish I saw more in my main fandom? Well, if it’s that, then, 3 things about the Doctor Who fandom: 1) people having more civilized or light-hearted discussions about things. Like, I genuinely disliked an 8th doctor audio I listened once that my friends loved, and they made fun of me and we joked about it. Also once we were in a live twitch video playing among us and discussing doctor who, and then we got into a ship “discourse” as a joke and nobody really cared and just laughed because everyone knew it’s fictional shit so why get mad over it? 2) Doctor Who has a titanic amount of content, it’s all canon but at the same time it’s not, so who cares? If you want to listen to Big Finish audios and if you can afford it, then lisiten; if you can’t, it’s okay, no one has the right to tell you you’re less of a fan. Just tell them to fuck off; 3) The best way to keep fandom alive is by creating content. Here in my local fandom we have several podcasts dedicated to all areas of the whoniverse (the show, the expanded universe, the audios, etc), those old fandom websites who do serious work to bring news to the fans, people who make subtitles for the classic series (we don’t have it available here so they do their best to make it accessible to other fans), accounts dedicated to promoting dr who fans who create content, and we even have people making their own audiodramas with dw characters and writing book-lenght fanfiction to help explain the show to people who’ve never watched it, and a great variety of things. I’ve seen a few of these things in the international fandom, mostly by older fans, so I wish younger fans about my age who have the means to make this kind of stuff would make it too. Maybe there’d be less twitter drama out there lol

O - Choose a song at random, which ship or character does it remind you of

“the killing moon” by echo & the bunnymen reminds me of thoschei. yep it was totally random

P - Invent a random AU for any fandom (we always need more ideas)

The fact that we don’t have a pride and prejudice AU for brax/romana yet is driving me insane

Q - A ship you’ve abandoned and why

I’ve mentioned it before but doctor/river, don’t really remember why idk I just don’t vibe with it anymore. But also because thoschei has so many different pairings in 1 ship that I don’t really feel the need to ship them with anyone else lol

R - A pairing you ship that you don’t think anyone else ships

GOD I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT’S SO SPECIFIC ok fellow academy era stans gather around if you have read Divided Loyalties there’s a scene where it SHOWS that Magnus had a crush on Ushas. And NO ONE HAS EVER TALKED ABOUT THEM and the power couple they would’ve made. I write them into all my fanfics in hopes of making other people ship them but I’ve had no success so far

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

The Master is a big fan of musicals and in the 77 years he spent on earth he watched every single one ever. I’m gonna be bold and say that when he was young, still Koschei, he was an artist, and thought about dropping everything to become an actor on Gallifrey. Time Lords do appreciate art, and have their own plays, but it’s just the same old and boring ones the young people don’t care about. The Master then created a shocking performance that was way ahead of its time and the older Time Lords were so appalled they banned him from writing and presenting plays and that’s his villain origin story

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending, about anything at all (gender identity, sexual or romantic orientation, extended family, sexual preferences like top/bottom/switch, relationship with poetry, seriously anything)

1) The Doctor and the Master married on Gallifrey and the entire show is just them having the most litigious divorce in the universe (still isn’t final because the Master has killed all the judges); 2) Ushas/The Rani is ace; 3) The Deca was a 10 people polyamorous relationship; 4) Romana and Livia were girlfriends at the Academy and they hate each other now because the break up was baad; 5) Romana writes fanfiction; 6) Romana/Leela had a thing in Davidia I KNOW it; 7) Leela pegs Narvin; 8) Brax has a life-size painting of Romana at his collection or a statue or smth; 9) Brax’s dream in Reborn is actually REAL and he’s married to Romana, Leela and Narvin all at the same time

U - 5 favorite characters from 5 different fandoms

I don’t even think I’m in 5 fandoms but

Doctor Who: The Master, The Doctor, Romana, Leela, Sarah Jane, Bill (this was the hardest thing ever)

The X-Files: Mulder, Scully, Monica, and can I add The Lone Gunmen too?

Star Wars: Leia, Obi-Wan, Finn, Poe Dameron and honorable mention to Din Djarin and Grogu

Hannibal: Hannibal, Will, Bev, Alana, Chiyoh

V - 3 OTPs from 3 different fandoms

That’s hard

Doctor Who: thoschei ofc, gallifrey ot4.......... uuhh as you can see i don’t ship many pairings in the show

The X-Files: Mulder and Scully. And whatever Scully and Monica had going on because they definitively flirted

Star Wars: Poe/Finn, Han/Leia, whatever Han/Lando had going on too

W - 5 favorite ships and 5 kinks you like best for said ships

WHATVASHAJSKAJSA ok this is a little embarassing but I don’t have a lot of kinks for many ships... I guess I have some for thoschei like, choking, whipping, blindfolds/gagging, bondage, begging, biting, sem-public, phone sex, dirty talk, body worship, praise kink, etc. Alright alright I know it’s a lot but in my defense they've shown half of these on the show

X - top 5-10 characters who are yoUR PRECIOUS BABIES AND YOU WILL DIE DEFENDING THEM

The Master, Romana, Leela, Brax, Narvin, Bill Potts, Martha Jones, Sarah Jane, Donna Noble, Lucie Miller. No particular order for most of them but the Master is my precious baby and I will die for this mf

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)

Not many, usually the people I follow are in the same fandoms as I am but I’ve seen some mutuals reblog some Hadestown stuff which is a play that I’ve never seen but definitively would because the protagonists look hot 

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go (prompts optional but encouraged)

I DON’T KNOW WHAT DOES IT MEAN

it took me three hours to do this but it was fun!! thank you bb <3

[katewaliss]

1x1 plot list!

hello girls, gays and theys! my name is crissy, i’m 21, go by she/her pronouns and live in the PST timezone. i am celebrating bullshitting my way through my junior year with ( copious amounts of tequila but also ) make a list of 1x1 ideas / plot bunnies because i need something to do during this Borentine and what better way to spend it then making myself cry with ships! 

i primarily send really long keysmash head cannons through discord and the ims, but i am also down to do replies ( on tumblr or discord ) and ask memes are my most favorite. i am introverted af but very excited abt ships so i really like having rp partners who like want to stay up all night and write and scream with me, so if that sounds like u, come thru! 

if u like any of these please don’t hesitate to shoot me an im! 

also my discord is daddy devito#2918 ( & yes, i do hate myself  )

were starting with mermaids bc i love mermaids

ALSO YES I LIKE OPPOSITE PLOTS DONT @@@@@ ME!!!!!

ALSO ALL OF THESE PLOTS CAN BE GAY! BE GAY DO CRIMES!

i’ve always kind of wanted one based loosely on these pictures x, x, x. im thinking ponyo meets enchanted meets h20 little mermaid AF realness! like maybe hes this lil regular boy high school college student taking pictures and stuff and sees this girl wash up on the shore looking very confused. so he helps her and you know, shes a little hysterical and cant walk very well, takes her into his apartment puts a towel over here bc she like keeps talking abt how shes a mermaid and hes like oh my god shes crazy ahh. she keeps saying her dad is king of the ocean and hes like???? do u have a last name? and the police dont know anything abt her she has no file, no id, no finger print in the database? 

basically the mermaid is staying w the college student in his apartment and he like teaches her what the microwave and the tv is and its very soft  they fall in luv maybe drama he has a girl friend who sucks a lot who is angry abt mermaid girl idk maybe the government realizes and tries to steal her! fun THAT FIRST PIC? MAYBE HE SAVED HER WHEN HE WAS A KID ONCE FROM DROWNING!!! AHHH

alternatively i found these pictures were are in the same vein very aquamarine x, x, x, lifeguard off duty surfing and he gets stuck in a gnarly wave and almost drowns but this mermaid saves his life! and he comes to see her a lot on the beach and they hang out and fall in love he teaches her how to speak english shows her his phone!!! MAYBE THE GOVERNMENT IS ALSO POACHING HER WE LOVE DRAMA

ok last mermaid plot? BUT ITS A SIREN PLOT!!!!!!! these sirens/a siren wipes out this sailors entire ship with the sirens song they all get drowned/eaten .... but plot twist! this one sailor homie lives bc he is DEAF and therefore IMMUNE TO THE SIREN SONG!! so this siren keeps tryna sing at him and its not working and u know they fall in love good stuff MORE POACHES MORE PIRATES MORE GOVERNMENT TRYNA KILL THE AQUATIC AMERICAN BC I LOVE SUFFERING modern or maybe set back in the day???? spicy

anthour or a sculptor that writes a book w a main character or makes a statue and it comes to life and has no perception of human stuff and is like a big alien

also literally all of these plots can be made gay as the flyest bi i ENCOURAGE it!!!! i will play either character in any of them pls tell me which one u like if u like one

pls the clown clown valedictorian plot

ok speaking of giving the gays everything they want

damn i just want a cheesy wlw 1x1 plot where the first girl is a famous celebrity hella spoiled very purse dog paris hilton type and her fancy convertible sports car breaks down smack dab in a small ass hick nowheresville town and this flannel wearing mannerless tomboy mechanic comes to fix her car but rich girl is stuck in town a few days while they order the part she needs for her car bc it’s a small town they don’t have it and they get closer and the celebrity girl is humbled by the town and learns a lot abt the world and herself just ,, good times LISTEN!!!! zendaya and kristine froseth ???? SPICY

ok maybe a period piece lady knight / princess plot where she was personally assignment to the princess but maybe its a whole mulan thing where no one knows the night is a girl and is posing as a man bc women were allowed to be knights and the princess is betrothed to some loser prince once again ill play either

princess body guard plots always smack

ok princess protection program BUT GET THIS instead of that its my boy dmitri who is the heir to the russian throne or some made up european country but theres an assasination attempt so hes told he has to go into witness protection. and this dude or girls dad is head of cia/fbi and dmitri has to pose as a foreign exchange student at y/ns college and be shown around/baby sat by them. they hate eachother. probably bc dmitri is obnoxious and entitled and sleeps w everyone. he was a matthew daddario fc but not that necessary!

cheerleaders on opposite squads who got the sexual tension!!!!

plot based off hollywood the netflix limited series where its 1940s-1950s hollywood and maybe actors falling in love, an actor and a director? OR omg even better an actor falling in love with some sort of stage crew, lighting, camera person............SPICY! 

a beauty / makeup youtube influencer and a pranking rant gaming sort of youtuber and they have to collab and hate it points if its gay

that cliche plot where ur friends older brother is hot

ok kstew / naomi scott .....that is such.....a wave

UGLY BETTY PLOT BITCH!!!!!! REVERSE THE ROLES OR MAKE IT GAY

i saw this gifset of margo robbie and michael b jordan talking abt how they are eachothers celebrity crush and it got my brain turning 

a very whimsical hopeless romantic artist who finds a muse in a no nonsense american college student studying law studying abroad

PERCY JACKSON BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE HUNGER GAMES BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

business man/prodigal son who falls in love with a stripper/escort

harry potter......next gen................please.............scorose............but like can i play ravenclaw soft boy nothing like draco scorpio BUT ALSO ALL THE HP i also really like ocs also BEAUXBATONS DRUMSTRANG ( if anyone wants to help me w a not hogwarts but other wizarding school rp let me know )

not to b cliche but uh....pastors son bad boy plot yes!

alternatively bad girl good boy/girl plot yes! ( can i pls play bad girl seulgi its Dire )

horror until dawn stuff

soul eater? death note? OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB BITCH!!!! ANIME!

the epically cliche popular person failing math and is gonna get kicked off cheer gets tutored by biggest loser in school and only agrees to tutor her in math if she teaches them how to be cool to impress crush (popular persons friend) and they do that, they start to bond, she gives nerd a makeover the whole school falls in love with them and the popular girls real jealous and wHEw

a disgruntled detective whos wife cheated on him with his partner and he drinks everyday (also could b a lady) throws himself into work and this waitress at the diner he works at who is the opposite of him and very sunshiney

OKAY HANNIBAL but like the hannibal is a lady!

superhero x villian plot! spicy maybe theyre exes! or they went to the same super power school? 

SPEAKING OF SUPERHEROS I WANT A MIRACULOUS LADYBUG PLOT RIGHT FUCKING NOW SOMEONE PLAY CHOU TZUYU AS MARINETTE!!!!!!!!!

also every disney plot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think this will get added to but for now this is the gist HIT ME THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!

[tartareus]

Do you condone/ship incest? I was reading your rules and got confused about your sentence where you said if people are uncomfortable with fictional consensual incest this isn’t the blog for you. Except Incest is incest regardless of if it’s fiction

hi there, friend, how do you do?

while i'm not particularly fond of anons (nex time you'd like to discuss something regarding my rules and/or character portrayal, i strongly encourage you to do so via ims - i don't bite, and if our points of view don't quite match? that's alright, i promise i'll leave you in peace :) ) for various reasons, i'm so glad you've read my rules (that probably makes you one of the few who follow me - at least i presume you do, idk - who has done so, so thank you so much!), i cannot stress enough how important they are to me. if i happen to follow you, rest assured that i have read yours (unless, ofc, i couldn't find one in your blog - in any case, if i happen to accidentally break one of yours, just hmu or gimme a nudge).

considering that you've asked more than one question, i'll answer to you in separate sections - needless to say that while i break it down your questions, the answer might become a little longer than usual (again, i'm sorry). i'll keep this tagged, in case any of my followers don't feel like reading about this. without further ado, let’s dive in.´

“do you condone/ship incest?”

short answer? nope. but that is not a black or white question i’m afraid. no, i – nox, the human behind this blog of fictional characters – personally do not condone incest , never have and never will, and  don’t ship it. i do, however, ship consanguinamory on rare occasions, and when i do happen to write it i never do it in a good light.

for those who are not familiar with the term, here’s a little bit of info about it x && x. in short, the key difference between them is: incest is usually linked abuse (a fictional example that can be used, taking in consideration one of my very own muses, in this case is margot verger – who was sadly abused by her brother in the hannibal books) while consanguinamory (the lannisters, for example, or even the sharpe siblings from crimson peak are examples of consanguineous relationships) is the consensual romantic and/or sexual relationship between members of the same family who are of consenting age.

[ personally, i find both of them gross as fuuck irl but when it comes to fictional works i may get over this first disgust and ponder more on that && take in consideration the characters arch, plot, thoughts and the whole world they are set in. ]

i suppose the turning point here is the consent. i never, never, condone any sort of abuse – not in fiction and neither in real life – and while it’s a subject that bothers me to no end in real life, when it comes to fiction i am less inclined to project into them. i may write dark and toxic relationships, but i obviously do not condone them. that’s the point here – people on this hellsite usually mix the two together (condoning something and shipping/writing it, that is) when in fact they shouldn’t even be in the same box to begin with.

let’s say you write a fictional serial killer – norman bates, tate langdon, hannibal lecter, catherine tramell (that chick from basic instinct), patrick bateman, mrs lovett and sweeney todd, kai anderson, bellatrix, grindelwald and voldemort (the list of plausible examples could go on forever…) – here and ship with them; does it mean that you, the writer, condone every single action and choice your muse does? if writing something purely fictional equals to condoning it in real life, well… the world is even more fucked up than i first thought.

you see, in this little exercise in imagination, you could’ve easily picked a good guy or gal to write, the hero; the goody two shoes. why didn’t you? well, it’s complicated to pin point why some are drawn to darker works of fiction and characters while others are not, i suppose each individual has their own reasons && i can only speak for myself when i say that i am drawn to these sort of fictional works because they the safest way to explore dark topics that pertain to human society. on my side, it’s nothing but raw curiosity.

there’s also the issue of how different cultures see these relationships. in case you haven’t noticed, i am not from the states but actually from brazil. especially in the rural area, it’s not uncommon for second cousins to date or even marry (ew, i know, pretty gross). that’s something that is luckily falling out of practice, but you can easily find it, more so in the poor rural areas that are really far from the cities.

you may have noticed that most of the sources for the terms come from a blog that advocates real life consanguinamory – but make no mistake, i don’t support it. these were the only places i’ve found as sources in a quick look online. i don’t support it irl, but whatever consenting adults are doing amongst themselves is no concern of mine – i have no say on the matter and all in all, i don’t give a damn. i just don’t like it. everything i’ve discussed here is related to fiction, consent and is only ever related to people of consenting age.

“i was reading your rules and got confused about your sentence where you said if people are uncomfortable with fictional consensual incest this isn’t the blog for you. except incest is incest regardless of if it’s fiction”

to be honest with you, anon, i couldn’t possibly see how you’ve got confused with this. i thought i was pretty clear with that, but perhaps not. sorry, my english is not perfect. however, with the risk of sounding like a meme, i said what i said. if you personally feel uncomfortable or even triggered with fictional consensual incest otherwise known as consanguinamory, maybe my blog isn’t for you. not because i – as the mun –  condone it, but because i might mention it or even allude to it when i write certain characters. again, consent is the main thing here – you won’t ever see me writing that awful part of margot’s past, but i might mention it on some threads as it is part of her trauma but i will write jaime’s feelings regarding cersei and joanna’s love for tywin – and that should not be overlooked.

“except incest is incest regardless of if it’s fiction” 

so far so good, am i to assume that you also believe that “murder is murder, regardless of if it is fiction or not”? should we call the police on, idk, george rr martin for killing....hell knows how many characters...at this point i’m sure not even he knows. leaving my petty comment aside (it’s the arthritis, i’m always annoyed when in pain), i see where you’re coming from; fair enough.  but you missed a big point here – consensual. i do not write abuse, even to the muses who – in the canon source material – have done so    ( like jaime lannister himself – who’s in a consanguinamorous [therefore, falling under the category of fictional consensual incest] relationship with cersei – who abused his sister next to their son’s dead body [ yeah, jaime apologists, i’m out to get y’all...jokes aside, i do not acknowledge people claiming that cersei manipulated him into going to bed with her, while they are both shitty and toxic as fuck people, their relationship is mutually messed up – gag if you must but jaime lannister is far from innocent angel ] )     in the past. i. don’t. write. it. but i do write jaime’s feelings for cersei because they are canon and are also a big part of the character he became.

all of that, of course, has to do with my own position on the “war” between the people who believe fiction has a great power and influence over reality vs the ones who do not believe in that. personally, i find it hard to believe that fiction is a brainwashing tool rewiring people’s brains  - i find the idea itself ludicrous, the ones who strongly stand for that aren’t that different from flat-earthers and people who believe in reverse racism tbh – but i do acknowledge the influence media has on society. its not nearly enough to turn someone to the “dark side” alone by itself – those who claim that videogames, for example, made them violent most likely already had something different and perhaps wrong with them before the games triggered something. i don’t believe that media creates things on people, but brings buried things (fears, feelings, emotions, hopes) back to the surface. it’s all about the stimulus.

if you wanna be scared, watch an horror movie; if you wanna be happy, a comedy video.  wanna feel warm inside and live unrealistic romantic expectations vicariously through fictional characters? read a 50.000 words slow burn fluffy happy fanfic of your otp at 3 am even though you gotta wake up early in the following morning....

point is, they are not creating things, they are bringing forth responses from you that were already there in your brain (everybody has laughed before and felt fear, it’s part of human development). and how you react to certain content is entirely to you and your past. say, if you drowned as a kid on the sea - and had trauma from that - the idea of watching titanic is not so fun, is it?

it’s not my place to decide what you should do, that is entirely your own choice to make, just be aware that, as i’ve stated before countless times, i may write dark topics that may or may not be triggering to some.  i do so because it is my blog, and i don’t react so harshly to this content (in fact, i love horror, thriller and dark fictional stuff – meanwhile i dread the thought of rom coms, hell knows why??) for i am lucky to be able to separate fiction from reality. basically, whilst writing a villain, i myself do not become one in real life – that part remains in fiction only and doesn’t affect me.

that is not a constant, sure. i don’t just write dark shady stuff – there’s plenty of fluffy shit on my blog, but i like to warn people beforehand to make sure we are all on the same page. it’s for your own comfort, i suppose, because i may not understand certain points of view on fiction but i will always defend your right to be comfortable and safe.

so yes, if you aren’t feeling well at that notion, please unfollow and block me if you must – i never wish to cause any discomfort to anyone – however, before you do so (that is, if you do so) i beg you to just send me an im warning me beforehand, please? that way i can block you – and your other blogs as well – so the chances of me running into you again and causing you discomfort will be minimal. that way we’ll both be on own respective lanes and happy about it. i mass follow very often and don’t usually know which blogs belong to whom (uh, did that make sense? my latina ass is not used to using whom in a sentence....), i may follow another blog (or the revamped blog) of someone who has blocked me and never even realise it – that’s not me following you around and stalking like a total creep, that’s probably me not even remembering who you are. again, sorry – i don’t mean for this to come off rude or anything but???? its the truth? you know the drill, big following list, big followers list (well, big for me tbh, i cannot remember the name or alias of 600 people for the life of me, excuse me if my memory doesn’t serve me right), hard to keep track. there will be no witch hunts, at least on my part, because i deem them to be childish and way too dramatic for my taste. if you’d like to speak in private, adult to adult, i’m always game – i dread vague posting, i personally see it as a pathetic and weak trait. 

as long as you’re civil, so am i.

either way, do whatever makes you feel comfortable and safe on your blog – your  mental health is far more important (to me, and hopefully to you as well) than a hobby, than tumblr, rp or whatever fictional stuff someone’s writing or reading; you are responsible for your own online experience, and i am responsible for mine. that’s an empowering thing that should be reminded more often.

i truly hope i’ve managed to answer whatever doubts or questions you had in mind, if not my ims are always open and so is my discord. once again, thank you for reading my rules and stay safe!

edit; my dumb ass forgot to drop my disco handle, since i change often. it currently is   DOCTOR BITCHCRAFT !!! | 𝒏𝒐𝒙#1398

[queerhannibal]

Im sure hannibal knows all the modern slang

I’m not sure if this is related to something?? But yeah I mean. He’s a therapist who we know takes adolescent patients (see: Randall Tier) so I feel like he has to be up on all that sort of stuff

He mostly doesn’t use slang bc it’s not part of the image he’s trying to present, but he KNOWS slang; honestly I really struggle to imagine him encountering any turn of phrase with which he was unfamiliar and not immediately researching its meaning until he was confident that he understood it perfectly (in any of the languages he speaks)

I feel like Hannibal frequents urbandictionary almost as often as he frequents tattlecrime, bc it’s important to him to Know What Things Mean and he’s sure as hell not going to ask some kid who said “mic drop” what they were talking about yk?

Also I mean he spends time on trashy websites looking for any mention of his serial killing exploits. Do you really believe that the Chesapeake Ripper doesn’t have a presence on the blogs of true crime lovers? There might even be memes about him specifically and he’s sure as hell gonna be on various social media websites to find out about it

(Especially after his identity is public knowledge, honestly. He’s just the right sort of not-handsome for serial killer fuckers to get Real into him. Like Dolarhyde ig fhfkfjdjdk)

[eri-blogs-life]

I recently started a Pokemon Crystal Nuzlocke run, because I rewatched Griffin McElroy’s nuzlocke, and it just got me itching to play a pokemon challenge run again. So here’s the start of my journey:

My roommate rolled a die, and so my starter pokemon was a Chikorita! Chikorita is, historically, my least-used gen 2 starter, so it’ll be cool getting to raise one this time around. I had yu-gi-oh on the mind, so I decided to call him Yami. 

I did the boring Mr Pokemon stuff and then got back and fought my rival (who, of course, I named ???). Then talked to Prof Elm and got some pokeballs and the adventure began for real!

I caught a ratata on route 29, who my roommate named Ratatouile. Ratatouile has so far been mostly like a mascot of the team - there on the team, and absolutely adorable, but still is level 3 and I haven’t raised him much

Then, I took a quick detour into the south side of route 46, trying to take advantage of a little trick I remembered from my playthroughs many years ago - Route 46 has a lot of geodudes, which make for excellent helpers against the first gym leader, Falkner. I caught a level 2 geodude, and named her Lena

Then, we progressed onwards with our team of three. We got to Cherrygrove, healed up, and then entered route 30, where we ran into a Hoothoot! Catching that Hoothoot was pretty easy, and I named him BackstBoys in honor of my favorite Whose Line clip

Right after catching BackstBoys, the real excitement began. The second pokemon we ran into on that route was a POLIWAG. I was so excited and so disappointed when that happened, because I had NO idea that poliwag could show up on that route. IDK if it was something added in Crystal that I’d just forgotten about, or maybe it’s a nighttime-only find, or what, but it was so damn exciting to see that. But, we’d already caught BackstBoys in the route, so there was no catching a poliwag for me. We continued up route 30, mostly training up Lena, which also trained Yami and made him into even more of an unstoppable killing machine

Then I reached route 31. I had forgotten there were 2 routes between Cherrygrove and Violet cities, so this was really exciting! Another new pokemon for the team! Who could it be~~~?

IT WAS A POLIWAG!!!!!

I was so damn excited. I’ve basically never used poliwag before, and I didn’t even realize it showed up in this area anyway, so, like, YOOOOOOO. Lena was at the front of my party and I had her use a tackle to weaken the poliwag. But... I didn’t realize poliwag learned bubble as its starting move. Despite being twice the level of that poliwag, Lena was killed in one hit from its bubble.

I had really grown to love Lena in the short time we were together. She was rough around the edges, sure, but she was really strong and she cared so much about protecting the rest of the team. And she was pretty much my one big hope to use against the first gym. But, it was not to be. RIP Lena, you will be missed.

So, I sent out Yami and started throwing pokeballs. It only took a couple to catch that poliwag. Since it was the one who had murdered Lena, and also in honor of that meme about Hannibal’s mother thinking of baby names which I can’t find right now, I decided to call this poliwag Hurdurer. 

Welcome to the team, Hurderer. 

RIP Lena, I hope you find peace in whatever the afterlife looks like for pokemon. You will be missed

[nalyra-dreaming]

  So I always post a recap, mostly for myself 🙂 (for later^^), but I hope you will enjoy as well! (Got a kiss from Will there and Hannibal didn’t kill me!  – Win win!!) 🙂

I arrived on Wednesday afternoon this time, planning on working on Ravage stuff that evening with Romina, but we ended up with Electra and room service instead, which was awesome. (Thank you soooo much for the little firefly man dear!!!)

Thursday was Ravage ToDos then and London – going by Fuller’s on the way

getting my daughter a Harry Potter „Hedwig“ (as requested^^)

and dinner at the Michelin-star „Aquavit“ (Skandinavian Restaurant – the Blood Pudding was DELICIOUS!)

  and then Pinter’s Theatre, watching Martin Freeman’s performance.

    (We tried to catch him at the Stage Door, but he came out after 2h(?) and we left after 1h in the snow, because you know, Mads and Richard wouldn’t go so well with pneumonia^^).

Friday I spent a LOT of time trying to catch all the Fannibals I saw, say hi and invite them to sign „my Mads“ – bought back then for the German Comic Con 2016 (when he canceled) this has now been utterly filled up with Fannibal love from all over the place! (And Evalie brought her Will! It’s the same one from the meme photo you might have seen btw^^)

(And I had him sign it, too :))) Picked up lots of beautiful things from the con, but they’re mostly in the big package still and on their way home.

Opening ceremony had standing ovations, driving home the fact, that these people were actually there!

  Truly amazing.

Meet and greet was fun but short, they only did a few minutes each.

  Still enough time to realize a few interesting things about them, Scott being really aware of what we put on the table for example and interested in Radiance (looking through it ) and trying the Hannigram smarties that @TheCakeIsPeople brought, Aaron loving that people liked the Go-Getters and his other projects so much, Jeremy very unsure at that point still (Twitter feed later showed he always said the same things^^) but very deep and elaborate answers already, Richard interested in where everybody was from and commenting when he knew the place, Mads on beer 4 (afaik) at our table and a bit brisk, recognizing fans he met before, talking swedish with the Fannibals there and refusing to put on the bite mask we had laid out (as decoration) on sight^^^^. Darn. 😛

  On Saturday I had 5 (!) photo ops, group with Romina, Aaron & Scott, 2 Mads and a Mads and Richard one. I took the cardboard to the photo op with Mads and we had to redo the photo 4 times, because of the glare :))) (Starfury put them all up for digital download, wohooo) and he was amazed by all the signatures on it!! Also – really life size 😛

The other was with something for the Kickstarter, I can’t show you yet^^.

Richard didn’t really pose that day, he was very stiff, hands in his pockets, standing to the side – we wondered if he maybe had a bad con experience before. (That was different day 2, yeah, good job Fannibals!!). Unfortunately you cannot see the “I’m fine” on my shirt, that’s what I was pointing at^^

Panels from noon, with Aaron and Scott being their usual hilarious selfs, Mads kind and witty (even though some of the questions were really… ugh. Disgraceful – someone asked him if he got „excited“ in the sex scenes for Polar(!) and someone else told him he didn’t have a fashion sense (like what the actual fuck?)).

Richard had an introduction interview with Sean on the first day, with only a few audience questions. Again, I think he was a bit … IDK, careful. On Sunday he did an open panel and was way more relaxed there as well! And he is SO WITTY and intelligent! And much more good looking in person than on screen somehow. Like really. A bit scary. :))

  Mads is very nice, smelling lightly of cigarettes (well, duh^^), it was funny to watch/experience the poses he switches through for photos^^. Very easy to ask and stand next to. My hands were shaking nonetheless^^.

Aaron and Scott gave me one of the best hugs ever, I already had my pose with them from last time and told them so, just wanting a hug 🙂

Signing was fun, Mads and Richard, with Mads signing my three books (not showing you Ravage yet!), and I showed him the scene with the illustration of „Will pushing Hannibal in a wheelchair, at Bedelia’s dinner“ – because he had said in his panel that Will would have really enjoyed having the upper hand in S4, pushing Hannibal around in a wheelchair(!!). AND I FUCKING WROTE THAT. (Not actually in „A blackish red hue“ (at least the Ao3 version! (The book version has that scene)) but the image has created for a scene EXACTLY of that (and then adapted into the book, with permission of the artist(!)). I just…. I WANT TO SEE THAT, DAMMIT!! He said „Very good call“ :))) And then personalized it to me <33

  Also, at that point he knew about the cardboard cutout being from the GCC, so they must’ve talked about it backstage! And I asked him to sign it all over his own face which he did, grinning. 

And he’s finally on the LA Times ad, completing it.

AND on the sword sheath, checking all the signatures and commenting on them. He wanted to know where it was from and I explained and he was amazed. (Since he and Richard signed so small (in comparison to Eddie Izzard^^), I was able to put Scott, Aaron and Jeremy on it as well – you can’t see Scott here because he didn’t press that hard, his signature is above Aaron’s).

Oh, and Mads didn’t know that Hannibal got an Emmy nom that year we put up the ad in the LA Times – he was surprised and asked me which ones and of COURSE I’d had forgotten. Hope his team relays him the info via the tag on Twitter^^.

Richard just grinned a bit when I told him that the book is my S4-8 and that it starts at the Motel. He had an interesting expression on his face, I can’t really describe it, maybe a „would’ve sported dimples if he actually had them“, you know. Amusement-tinged. Also very interested in the signatures on the sword sheath!

Life goals. :)))

I had dinner in the bar late afternoon (the London Pride ale is very good imho^^), and then the cosplay contest was on and Noah won, yay, as flaming Chilton!!! They put up the incredible Wendigo-Cake there, from KitchenConjurer – it was cut up the next day, because Mads wasn’t at the cosplay contest.

Don’t remember what I did after the cosplay, lol. Ahem. 🙂 I think I went to my room because I was exhausted. ^^ All the nerves shot from the photo shoots and signings^^.

Next morning were more photos – another with Richard (and a little red dragon by PersephoneSiren!!!!!), who was so much more relaxed that day, and one with Jeremy – who was a bit bewildered by my ask to give me Bunny Ears – and THEN went and did the same expression Hugh Dancy and Joe Anderson did!!!!!! ROFL. Amazing!

  Incredible panels followed – I would invite everyone who hasn’t to read through the Twitter transcript tweets – Aaron and Scott gave Mads a run for his money – aka he never stood a chance :))))

And then they went and cut the ear and nose/chin off the Wendigo cake and Scott kissed Aaron with its lips and you should have seen Mads’ face :))))) Hilarious! ❤

  Jeremy is a panel revelation(!), I would pay REAL money to have him, Richard and Hugh on one stage, talking. These three must be so extraordinary together. (They already are separately, just saying… that would be like an intellectual orgasm).

Had to queue early and so I went and got my autos from Aaron and Scott and Jeremy then, who were soooo sweet and appreciative. And Aaron smiled when he saw the Go-Getters DVD, gave the DVD inside a little pet and signed it to me with a very sweet personalization.

Can’t wait for his new film btw, because the Go-Getters is hilarious and you should definitely watch it!!!!!

Another bar visit for food and ale and then the closing ceremony. Already.

It’s been almost 5 days and yet the time flew.

I cried.

And then I went to my room and packed up everything, creating an impromptu bubblewrap-suitcase. Went through fine, fortunately.

It’s been incredible and I will gladly come back no matter the guests (though these were incredible of course!), who knows maybe I can go to FFT3 if/when it happens as well, and I hope I manage some meat-ups. I met more people than I can remember, spent some very precious times in deep discussions on not so easy subjects, which I love and which is so, so, SO important.

If you’re reading this – thank you for doing so!

And if I met you there – thank you for making my weekend. Because the guests is one thing, but meeting you guys…. that is incredible.

I hope you enjoyed this 🙂

Feel free to ask if you have questions!

Personal RDC5 recap So I always post a recap, mostly for myself 🙂 (for later^^), but I hope you will enjoy as well!

[em-be-lievable]

Split-Brained

A/N: Aight, I know this isn’t what y’all wanted but in light of recent events I’ve found myself getting triggered and wanting to vent with Patton to cope. Thank @virge-of-a-breakdown for inspiring me to purge my feelings in fic form (also if you haven’t read their fic ‘The Invisible Language’ you really should because it’s great 10/10 would recommend not reading this self-indulgent garbage and reading that instead kkkkkkkk) No explanations, we project our problems on our favorite characters like men. 

(Song pairings for this fic are: Girl Anachronism by the Dresden Dolls, Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger, and We Know Where You Sleep by the Paper Chase)

Words: 3255

Warnings: mentions of psychosis, disorganized speech, memory loss, visionary/auditory hallucinations, paranoia, mentions of hospitalization, mentions of medication, mentions of gaslighting and abuse, kinda sympathetic deceit (If you count making him a dog being sympathetic- Deceit has become my own personal meme guys, I’m sorry.)

Ships: LAMP/CALM (Because you should know by now if I can shoehorn in a healthy, supportive, polyamorous relationship I 100% will)

Summary: Patton was ‘Split-brained.’ If people were computers, then he would be a pc still running with windows 98, dial-up internet. It wasn’t bad, but it was something he had to live with every moment of every day.

Recovery was a game of chance. He could go into a psychosis tomorrow, and never get out of it, or he could wake up a week from now and never have another symptom again. Medication kept him functioning, and therapy helped him deal with the worst of it. But both could only do so much with the chemical war in his brain. That was just the volatile way life was for him, and he had long since learned what to avoid and how to make the best of living day-to-day

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Waking up in the morning always had to be the hardest part of the day for Patton. Getting to sleep was tricky in its own right, but it didn’t compare to the struggles that were coming back into consciousness. Morning was when his mind was the loudest.

Remy was actually the one to wake him up. The black and tan german shepherd barking, and nosing him until he came to. He couldn’t even be mad at the dog- after all this was a service Remy had been task trained to do. It wasn’t the puppo’s fault that auditory hallucinations of his phone alarm kept waking him up until 4am (eventually rendering him immune to the very real sound of his actual phone alarm now in the daylight hours. He’d have to change it again.)

“Danger. Don’t leave. Not safe. Stay. We’re not alone. We’re in danger. Don’t leave. Don’t move-”

Prying himself from the warm cocoon of soft blankets, Patton pet and praised the dog for performing his task, before getting up and sleepily stumbling to the bathroom. Once he was in there his eyes darted to the vibrant pill case one of his boyfriends, Roman, lovingly decorated for him. It was Logan’s suggestion, having the case be brightly colored, and in plain sight on the counter would make it easier for Patton to remember to take his medication- and Ro was all too eager to support his partner however he could.

Pat was grateful for his three, wonderful partners- but he couldn’t shake the intrusive thought of him being a burden on them. They did so much to help him out- Logan leaving him little reminder notes, and checklists all over their shared apartment, Virgil constantly responding to frantic phone calls and texts to give reality checks, and Roman always taking breaks from work to take Patton to therapy, and appointments with his psychiatrist (going alone gave him a lot of anxiety.) And despite their constant reassurance that they wanted to be there for him, he couldn’t help but let the negative thoughts creep up into the back of his mind.

He looked down at the multicolored tablets in his hand. “Poison. Don’t take it. It’s poison. They’re trying to change you. These are going to kill you. They’ll just turn you into a zombie. Don’t trust it. Poison-”

Sipping on a glass of water, he popped the pills in his mouth and swallowed before they could reach his tongue. The whispers were on a tirade again, but it had been a long time since he stopped really listening to their opinions on medication. He couldn’t always tune out, or ignore what they were saying; but he was getting better at managing his responses to it.

The voices weren’t always scary, sometimes they were just odd. Most of the time they just echoed thoughts he had. As Pat stepped in the shower there was an chorus of “Water. Warm. Shower. Water. Hot water. Soap. Shower. Warm-” that eventually cascaded into white noise. Before he started taking his antipsychotic medication they would talk to him, or amongst themselves and it would get so loud he couldn’t hear his boyfriends shouting directly into his ear. There also used to be more ‘types’ of voices too. Some he’d hear like people were speaking next to him, others were more like thoughts that didn’t have his voice or would have really weird accents. Then there were the really bizarre ones that felt like a tingling in the back of his head. He couldn’t ever make out what they were saying but he could always tell if they were mean or angry.

But, if he was being honest, auditory hallucinations were the least troublesome part of his mental illness. When he was first getting diagnosed they were terrifying- but now they were just annoying. Just a low thrum softly filling his head as he got out of the shower, got dressed, and began the trek downstairs to the kitchen.

If he had to pick the most troublesome part of his disorder, it’d be the stuff that you never saw portrayed in media. Hallucinations were just the tip of the iceberg- and out of every movie about a person like him he never saw the part where they addressed the other stuff. Things like memory loss, fractured thinking, compulsive behavior, or disorganized speech patterns.

“Coffee. Stirring. Cup. Warm. Hot. Coffee. Mug. Warm. Cup-”  It was honestly irritating. Then again the only time he saw people like him in media was in horror films. But even then they had perfectly coherent Hannibal Lecter type people who just occasionally see stuff. The reality was much less pretty- if it wasn’t for Logan’s lists everywhere, and Remy, he wouldn’t remember to brush his teeth, or eat. On a good day he only had a minor stutter, and on bad ones he couldn’t talk at all.

He remembered he tried to explain it to Virgil once. He and his emo boyfriend couldn’t sleep and were chatting on the couch when Virge asked him what it was like. Patton, not being the best at explaining things, had decided to show him. So he found a few of Logan’s unused note cards, and asked Virgil to write out a thought with each word of it being on a different note card.

“Okay n-n-now lay it out in o-order.” Patton instructed, earning a raised eyebrow from the emo as he quickly laid out the sentence in order on the coffee table. Once he was done, Patton took the note cards and scrambled them- shuffling them up so they were completely out of order.

“N-now lay-lay it out ag-agai-again.” He said, handing back the cards and watching as Virgil sifted through the cards to find the first word, then the second, and so on until the whole sentence was on the coffee table in front of them.

Patton explained that while neurotypical people had their thoughts in order, like the first deck of note cards, his were constantly scrambled. So he has to put everything back in order before he does anything. That the metaphor applies to everything- talking, actions, thoughts. It was why he physically froze when he couldn’t remember what he was doing, or why sometimes he’d stare at his boyfriends looking for an answer for a question he forgot to ask. If people were computers, then he’d be a pc still running with windows 98, dial-up internet.

“But what about the…” Virgil paused, taking a moment to find the right way to phrase his question, “...other...stuff?”

Patton thought that was a bit more tricky to explain. He could spend the rest of his life talking out the small nuances of the ‘other stuff’ and only scratch the surface of what it entailed.

It was the way him, his thoughts, and his feelings felt like separate entities and not one solid person. It was going for a walk at 1pm and coming back at 9:30 with no recollection of where he went, or what he did. It was his mind latching onto a statement like ‘does Ohio even really exist’ and ruminating on it so much that he became convinced nothing was real anymore. It was loving people, but simultaneously not being able to trust them and avoiding them. It was flipping the light switch on and off because there was a dark figure in the corner when the lights were off but if he flipped the switch EXACTLY 26 times then it wouldn’t come after him, or his family. It was taking pictures of things with his phone to send to Virgil so he could ask if Virgil saw what he was seeing. It was existing in two separate realities at the same time and constantly having to figure out which one was the real reality and which one was just his illness.

It was staring off into his coffee cup for a half an hour while his service dog barked to snap him back into the moment- like now.

Patton shook his head, trying to refocus. His chronic ‘spacing out’ (to put it lightly) was why Logan no longer let him use the stove. Speaking of Logan- Patton padded his way to the refrigerator where his wonderfully intelligent boyfriend had made a whiteboard checklist for him. In Logan’s neat, almost font-like handwriting there were various tasks written in sharpie with little boxes next to them for Patton to check off every day. When the others returned from their jobs they’d double check it, and remind him of what he didn’t do yet.

“Marker. Blue. Smooth. Marker. Drawing. Write. Blue. Draw. Marker-”

Picking up the magnetized expo marker Pat went down the list. Medication? Check! Brushing teeth? He’ll do that after he drinks his coffee, and eats breakfast. Shower? Did he take a shower today? Patton reached his hand to feel his hair- it was still damp, so he must have. Check! Breakfast? He should do that. He wasn’t allowed to use the stove without the others in, but it was unlikely he would do any serious damage with a toaster, right? Right. Plopping a piece of bread in the machine, he got out some crofters, and butter before going back to the list while he waited. Put out food and water for the pets? Aw, shoot. That’s probably why Remy was barking.

Recapping the marker, Patton moved to fill the dog’s food and water dishes. Telling Remy to shake before he set down his food dish.

“Dog. Noise. Crunch. Food. Dog. Soft. Warm. Hairy. Dog. Woof. Noise. Dog-”

The service dog had actually been Virgil’s idea, and one that Patton was wholly opposed to at the start. It wasn’t like he didn’t want a dog- he did! He loved dogs! But a service dog was a whole other animal (pun intended.) Getting a service dog meant he actually had to admit he had a disability, and Patton didn’t really feel like he was disabled. Sure, certain things were harder to do, yeah. And he had to navigate around obstacles his mental illness provides- but disabled seemed like a stretch. If he’s being honest it still seems like a stretch; but after an hour of Logan listing him all the ways the service dog could help, and how common service dogs had become in the mentally ill community, Patton finally agreed.

There was another reason though, with the dog came the addition of having to explain what his disability was. And Patton...didn’t like having to tell people. He barely liked even associating himself with the word. He was…..split-brained. He had the big S. But the stigma that surrounded it didn’t apply to him. Every time he opened up to a close friend they always expressed how they couldn’t believe it given how ‘normal’ Patton seemed- definitely not what came to mind when someone thought ‘schizo.’ What if people didn’t believe him? Confrontation was never really his thing.

It was actually Roman who supplied a solution. If Patton was getting a dog, then Virgil would too. That way when they went out together it wouldn’t be as weird. That’s how the small yellow Tibetan Spaniel, Dee came to be Virgil’s emotional support animal. Unlike Remy, Dee wasn’t trained to task, he was just there to comfort Virgil when his three boyfriends couldn’t. And all the love and pampering made Dee into something of a complete mischievous diva. The little fluffy dog had a habit of appearing out of nowhere and yapping very loudly right behind Patton. Especially when it came to the horrendous offense that was feeding Remy first. But Virgil had taken the little puffball to work with him today so Patton was safe from any yappy startling.

Patton chipperly checked off the task from the list with the expo marker, recapping it and moving to the living room where his laptop sat. Holding down on-site jobs was, frankly, unrealistic for him. But he managed to still stay on his own two feet by freelancing. It wasn’t easy (and required so many reminder notes) but with Logan’s organizational help he was able to work in his own way, and remain (relatively) independent. Which was a godsend compared to spending the rest of his life living with his parents.

Don’t get him wrong, Patton loved his parents, and they did so much for him. Life couldn’t have been easy with a split-brained kid, and they had been pretty patient with him early on with his first few psychoses. But (why was there always a ‘but’) they still had ticks, and expectations he couldn’t meet. He’d recognized too little too late that they were gaslighting him to make their lives easier. Every now and again, when they’d say something that’d upset him, he’d try talking about it only to be met with ‘I never said that’ or, ‘are you sure that’s how it really happened?’ And Patton believed them because he couldn’t really trust his own perception that much. Their distaste were in the way they presented himself to other people too. “You probably shouldn’t tell them about your….disorder.” They’d lecture in car-rides going to social gatherings that Patton loathed. “It isn’t that we’re not proud of you! Other’s just might not be so understanding-” Their words always echoed in his skull, quickly becoming fodder for his mind to latch onto and use against him. He couldn’t stand the way they grimaced whenever he was brought up in conversation. All the times his mom uttered the hushed words of “Patton’s…...different-” made him want to scream out.

‘Just say it. Say what you’re thinking. Crazy. You think I’m crazy.’

He knew he scared them. Living with them always guaranteed the looming threat of hospitalization if he displayed symptoms they weren’t comfortable with. They always felt the need to walk on eggshells so as not to disturb him more than he already was. His illness became a weapon against him more often than not- a way to discredit him and excuse their own actions. Even with all the tips and tricks he learned to covertly hide; pretending to be talking on the phone when he was arguing with the voices, or practicing proper empathetic faces in the mirror to use when talking to people. Locking himself up in his room whenever he was having a psychotic breakdown, or visual hallucinations, and doing everything in his power to not react to the loud auditory ones. It never seemed to be enough though, and he was always met with glazed over eyes, and disapproving frown of his mother whenever he forgot something and did it several times over, or had too much disorganized thought to speak properly. They just wanted him to be normal, to get better. But unlike other mental illnesses, recovery was a game of chance. He could go into a psychosis tomorrow and never get out of it, or he could wake up a week from now and never have another symptom again. Medication kept him functioning, and therapy helped him deal with the worst of it. But both could only do so much with the chemical war in his brain. That was just the volatile way life was for him, and he had long since learned what to avoid and how to make the best of living day-to-day. But his parents never seemed as satisfied with that as he was. And more often than not it had a negative impact on his mental health, and he found himself getting worse while staying under their roof.

It was Roman who noticed the effect his parents had on Patton, and convinced him to leave. At first Pat dug his heels in. He really didn’t believe Roman knew what he was signing up for. Yeah, they had all been dating since sophomore year of high school- but Patton had done everything in his power to keep the worst of it from his boyfriends. He could take a lot, but he couldn’t take them being scared of him too. It took months of convincing, the final straw coming with Patton’s most recent hospitalization.

He had developed some kind of allergic reaction to a medication he was on, but in order to find out which one he had to be slowly weaned off all of them. They checked him into the hospital, stuck an IV into him, and closely monitored him as he slipped in and out of psychosis, and got wrapped up in some bizarre delusions. But despite his incoherence and strange behavior his boyfriends didn’t leave his side. They took shifts, ensuring that Patton was always with someone he knew. Logan constantly pelted the doctors with questions on the doctor’s care choices. Virgil brought all of Patton’s favorite stuffed animals and blankets for familiarity. And Roman played all of Patton’s favorite disney movies whenever the room was silent. They learned as much as they could about Patton’s situation. How to handle his delusions and what to do when he had episodes of low empathy, or isolation. It was a breath of fresh air for Pat to have his illness embraced, and not met with the usual disdain he got from his parents. He could have almost cried when Logan didn’t get mad when Patton explained that he didn’t want to eat dinner with them because he was convinced it was poisoned, or when Virgil didn’t find it upsetting when Pat had set up a little ‘nest’ of towels, pillows, and blankets in the bathtub because it felt like the only place They™ couldn’t get him. There was even an instance where Pat thought that Roman had been replaced with someone who looked identical to roman, but wasn’t Roman. The actor didn’t tell him it wasn’t true, or refuted Patton’s pleads for the ‘imposter’ to return his boyfriend. He simply went along with it- telling Patton he was going to return Roman before making a show of leaving the bedroom and re-entering thanking Patton for having the clone return him. (He also explained what he did to Patton later when the split-brain was in a better state.)

It was so nice to not be treated like the burden he thought he was. Their love showed in every one of the caring acts they did for him, trying to make his hectic life a little more manageable in any way they could.

“Patton?” A rough voice broke through his thoughts, making him turn towards the door. It was Virgil, a fussy Dee wriggling in his arms.

“Virgil. Calm. Boyfriend. Love. Virgil. Trusted. Boyfriend. Roommate. Dog. Dee. Virgil-”

“Hi honey, you’re home early!” Patton chirped, a well practiced smile gracing his lips. Virgil raised an eyebrow at him, setting Dee on the floor with little ‘clip clip’s’ from the toy dog’s claws.

“Pat, it’s 4:30, I always come home around this time.” Patton’s face dropped, as he turned back to the laptop he’d been staring at. When had it gotten so late?

“Uh, Virge- could you read this for me and make sure it makes sense?” Patton hummed, trying to reread over the email he was going to send but not quite processing the words. Virgil stalked over, glancing at the screen and humming.

“Sorry Pat, it’s complete jibberish.” He purred, rubbing his boyfriend’s shoulders. “Wanna help me with dinner and we’ll take a crack at writing it after?” “Sure.” Pat said with a sigh, as he closed the laptop and stood up to join his boyfriend. Living as a split-brain was difficult, but living with three amazing partners made it manageable.

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Endnote: This was way longer than I intended it to be. Sorry, I had a lot to say.

[noecat]

88 qn tag meme

thank u 2 the lovely @jiminieboi for tag!!

holy shit this was long,,listen i tag no one but my wife @wingjk bc im literally too lazy to breathe rn

the last:

1. DRINK: passionfruit red tea. it was too sweet i wish i’d gone w green but that’s too sour,,,,honestly a representation of my personality as a whole

2. PHONE CALL: school friend who was wondering where i was

3. TEXT MESSAGE: if messenger counts, @wingjk bc i was going to sleep

4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: come back home by bts

5. THE TIME YOU CRIED: i don’t recall!! perhaps a couple weeks ago?

have you:

6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: don’t call me out like this

7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: not really? i dont regret many things

8. BEEN CHEATED ON: ha

9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: yes

10. BEEN DEPRESSED: listen

11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: i don’t get drunk

top 3 favorite colors

12. black

13. pink

14. in your area

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yes and i love them

16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE:  L I S T E N

17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: rarely, but yes!!

18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: yall. assholes. love to gossip. and i love finding out about it so it’s a mutually beneficial thing

19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: doesn’t everyone change me to some degree?? yes, though i do think a lot of the char dev ive undergone was internally motivated and not bc of a specific person,,,i just want to treat people better.

20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: yes and i Love Them

21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: ppft no who the fuck even facebooks in the year 2k17,,,tho,, @wingjk​ hmu ;(

GENERAL

22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: none

23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: a kitten !! listen he’s an asshole but i love him

24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: as in legally?? i wish!! hopefully soon

25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU LAST BIRTHDAY: ha ha dont talk to me

26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: i overslept today bc my sleeping schedule is,,,,,very good,,,,,,,,,,,

27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: readin fanfic rip

28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: hobi. wheres. ur. mixtape. where. also MY BDAY IS IN LESS THAN A MONTH !!! LOVE ME !!!!!!

29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: uhm yesterday

30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: listen,

31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: the sweet sound of everyone being loud as fuc

32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: i dont think so ??

33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: people breathing around me

lost questions

34. MOLE(S): ya

35. MARK(S): scars ?? i fell into a ditch once and i still have the scars from that,,also depression isnt ideal

36. CHILDHOOD DREAM: to be a lawyer

37. HAIR COLOR: brown but im gna bleach it someday

38. LONG OR SHORT HAIR:  short-ish

39. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: not romantically but i am currently interested in someone, yeees

40. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: sometimes the planets alighn just right and i say something quotable that im proud of

41. PIERCINGS: that havent healed completely already ? 2, in my ears

42. BLOODTYPE: red

43. NICKNAME(S): q, ‘that asshole’, kyu

44. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: not looking

45. ZODIAC: leo

46. PRONOUNS: im agender. i strongly prefer it/its for Reasons but some of yall fucks take offense bc ‘but u are not an object!!’ and like. listen. if u think that using ‘they/them’, which i do not want to be called, is somehow more respectful to my identity ???  ? ?  ? i dont rly have much to say. in spaces where people are less tolerant and presentation overrides id, i go by she/hers.

47. FAVOURITE TV SHOW: i dont watch them anymore but ill always have a special spot in my heart for hannibal and my earliest experiences w bbc sherlock (ahahah can u believe i used to be a sh blog tho)

48. TATTOOS: not yet!! i want to get mine right the first time

49. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: technically ambidextrous but ive been using my right hand for so long (bc u dont rly realize how inconvenient literally everything is w left hand until u try it skdfjgfg) that it’s now my dominant one

50. SURGERY: yes, but minor

51. HAIR DYED A DIFFERENT COLOR: nop but ive shaved it all off once

52. SPORT: used to sail, used to kayak, now i possess no skills. i actually ish i did have a sport i play regularly, but, i am a Lazy Fuck,

53. VACATION: aksdjfd i dont rmbr !! i travelled a lot when i was young. now we just go to neighboring countries over breaks sometimes.

54. PAIR OF TRAINERS: not converse low, that’s 4 sure

MORE GENERAL

55. EATING: nothing, but hopefully about to

56. DRINKING: nothing, but hopefully about to

57. I’M ABOUT TO: eat, drink, go home

58. WAITING FOR: senpai to answer my anon ask. senpai pls. senpai im dying here i only get wifi sporadically for like 10 min at a time senpai plsease

59. WANT:  see hoseok irl someday, to not fail my year end exams, to have a good future after this. if we’re going wildly unrealistic, give me financial stability and the power to play piano proficiently.

60. GET MARRIED: honestly i think this would depend on where i am in life, where my partner(s) is/are in life, and what we want out of our relationship (plus, my generation supposedly killed marriage, so)

61. CAREER: listen i used to want to be a lawyer real bad before i grew up and realized im a fuckign depressed idiot who cant do shit so now im just hoping for some kind of stable job that i wont hate,,,,,,i lean towards the social sciences, and they’re what im best at, but my fucking dumb ass is currenly taking natural sciences instead because ????? no fuckin clue, past me, what the fuck,

62. HUGS OR KISSES: i dont like hugs much, so kisses. though i do like to cuddle ??? i think ??? theoretically ???? normally i just dont let ppl touch me

63. LIPS OR EYES: lips

64. SHORTER OR TALLER: couldn’t care less but theres smth hot abt someone being taller than me (unrelated news kuroo is 187cm holy shit fuck T O W E R O V E R M E)

65. OLDER OR YOUNGER: as in ?? romantically ?? to be friends with ?? if it’s the former, almost definitely older. for the latter, i prefer older, but personality matters more than age does.

66. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: dont care. tho if u have arms that could snap my neck, 

67. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: as in me ?? listen im both. im both. but if we’re talking partners, i imagine kuroo is plenty loud, so that,

68. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: listen i dont care as long as it’s enjoyable and mutually beneficial

69. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: hm

have your ever:

70. KISSED A STRANGER: nop

71. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: nop

72. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: yes, but found them

73. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: ya!!

74. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: nop

75. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: not intentionally ??

76. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: : l i s t e n

77. BEEN ARRESTED: nop im a good upstanding citizen

78. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: as in irl ?? i dont think so

79. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: hm, no, i,

do you believe in:

80. YOURSELF:  ya im great. im a piece of shit but *insert trash can not trash cannot meme*

81. MIRACLES: nah

82. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: nah

83. SANTA CLAUS: nah. attraction, maybe

84. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: do what u want !! 

85. ANGELS: @wingjk is one so i can confirm

86. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME(S): van, iv, jess are u a best friend or am i reading u wrong, id say drea but she’s my soulmate, id say nastya but she’s my wife and will complain i friendzoned her

other

87. EYE COLOUR: greenish

88. FAVOURITE MOVIE: casino royale !!! also all the ghibli things were my childhood

[neohanaa]

From a Nobody Fan: For Those Who Don’t Like Killing Stalking...

***This post in particular will be updated based on other things noted in the story that may be problematic or something involved in discussion. Also, I/m looking out for any spelling mistakes as I read this over and over for it to make proper sense. I also won’t be using the word “antis” as it is derogatory and I want this post to encourage CIVILIZED dialogue. Additional examples will be added to further prove points. Thanks for reading and understanding. 

I go into the Killing Stalking general relevance posts (memes, pictures, summaries, theories) and I’m seeing all this hate for it as of recent to the point where I just see negative posts. I am a fan but I’m not crazy. I think the story is interesting and the memes are funny. I get that you don’t like it but you can’t say that the fans are evil and against everything you stand for. Have YOU (the ones against KS) liked something like Hannibal? How about Stephen King? Hell, maybe even something as popular as Shakespeare! I can even mention video games if I wanted to!  Were there any problematic characters in there? Were there problematic themes in stories? How about the situation?

If you answered yes or even gave a thought as to what media/show/book/character/movie you like that may include gore, mental issues, abuse, shitty characters, setting, dialogue, and whatever there is included, then I have no clue as to why you give KS fans that much hate. The majority of fans that I have seen on here understand that this is a fictional piece of visual literature (at its most basic, a comic). 

“But this can happen IN REAL LIFE!!! SANGWOO IS A MURDERER AND YOONBUM IS A STALKER!!! HOW CAN YOU LIKE THOSE CHARACTERS?!?!!?!HOW CAN YOU LOVE A MURDERER AFTER SEEING WHAT HE DOES?!?!?! IT’S AN IDEALIZATION OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!!! IT’S TOO GORY AND VIOLENT!!!”

I have seen fans defend KS time and time again, I will repeat them in defense of KS.

1. Distinction Between Reality and Fiction- A lot of the fans, if not most, understand that something like this can happen in real life BUT the fans also understand that this is a fictional piece of work with the general purpose of being a form of entertainment to read and talk about. We know Superman comics are fiction, so why can’t we treat KS as fiction? (Even though one character is from a different planet and the other is a human, who’s to say that a fictional piece of literature can’t be compared to other literature based on genre and characters? The thing they have in common is that they’re fiction. Obviously the fans have the common sense to not do the sorts of acts portrayed in Killing Stalking)

2. Problematic Characters- The characters were given their circumstances and personalities and looks by the author. The author fleshes out their characters through bits and pieces of information that reveal their pasts in various chapters. It’s the complexity of the characters (and design even) that makes a person like them or not. Fans (a lot or most idk) like Sangwoo not just because he is handsome and a murderer, but rather they like him because of what he adds to the story: tension. We as fans can’t always tell what he’s thinking and his facial expressions and way of talking and acting makes the whole story even more tense because one minute he’s calm and then the next he will go batshit hysterical. Fans either want to see Sangwoo dead or succeed or in jail because he’s too far deep into his current lifestyle to go back to a normal life. Fans wanna see what happens. He has a pretty realistic character design and personality if you think about it because people have the ability to be two-faced: A social face and the true face. You never know what someone is truely thinking. Yoonbum even. He’s not perfect at all in the least. He is a classified stalker with a mental illness. Yet fans like him because he is a character with a bad past (sympathy) which causes him to distort the space around himself and cause his eventual trouble with the law in being a stalker which makes more problems with him becoming one of Sangwoo’s eventual basement dwellers (we want to see him succeed in escape or even other outcomes). These people aren’t perfect and I will reiterate that because this is fiction, the fact that it is fiction it is something most fans make a note of. These characters are fictional and in no way do we condone any of these characters’ actions in real life. If you like, say, Eddy from the cartoon show Ed Edd and Eddy, but you know that he is a greedy asshole and sometimes even gets the kids from the block hurt, do you think I would say you’re evil for liking him? NO because that’s his character and how he was made and his actions reflect off that personality and you like him because of that personality and shenanigans he gets his friends and himself into. Too lighthearted? The how about if you like Hannibal Lecter? As overused as he is, he is a manipulative cannibalistic murderer that people like. In the end, personally, the really unlikable character I have ever come across in my life that I truly did not like was Makoto from School Days (anime based on visual novel) because he was made so unlikable (became a general asshole without spoiling the actual premise).  

Another thing I want to maybe mention as to why you might feel disgust by the characters is how realistic they might actually be. Absurd? Yes and no. It’s bonkers to probably think this because they can be anyone we know in our life, thus you become repulsed by these characters. You have a social face and a “true” face. Have you ever had the face when you talk to someone you don’t want to talk to? I mentioned earlier that Sangwoo is two-faced. The fact that no one really knows he’s a murderer makes it even worse when you know when not anyone else in the story besides the victims and Bum and our police man know. To refer back to the first point, it’s this distinction between reality and fiction that that the fans acknowledge that allows us to read and, dare I say, enjoy these characters and story. Sangwoo and Bum are fictional characters, can’t we treat them as such while we judge their actions on our own terms?

3. Idealization of Abuse in Relationship and Romance- This one is a tough one considering all the mixed stuff going on in the story. I haven’t really seen anyone on Tumblr so far saying “SANGBUM ARE MY GOOOAALLSSS!!” So if you met someone who said that, then that’s the equivalent of teenagers I have seen saying “HARLEY AND JOKER ARE MY GOOAALLS!!” and that, I think, is not a healthy relationship (unless you know they’re trying to be funny about it like in some meme posts. it’s dark humor at that point). However, I do see people saying they would like them together in a healthy relationship in an alternate universe which is fine. Now, back to the problem at hand: As far as I know and the fans (generally) know, Sangwoo and Bum’s relationship are not official. Bum fell in love with Sangwoo (the fake face) and then once he finds out about Sangwoo’s murderous side, because of his illness, it brings all these conflicting emotions that allow for the manipulation to take its course. Bum isn’t in a position to completely think for himself because of his illness and his illness appears to be at a severe stage at some points especially when hallucinations happen. Even though the two did kiss and performed oral, they are not considered to be dating in any way. The fans know that this relationship is toxic because of the physical and mental abuse involved. We know a relationship between people dating should be much more positive, but this story portrays a pretty gritty and manipulative and forceful way about it which makes it negative. The acts of kissing and oral were only a small fraction of what the story offers albeit save for some pretty off-sounding dialogue. Maybe the author will explore the “romantic relationship” (please don’t ignore the quotations) but as you know, it will be abusive, so it will always be toxic. As for the fans who do ship them, at least respect the right to their opinions, even if you think it is wrong. And instead of antagonizing them, ask them why they ship them as a way to understand their thinking. We’re people after all. The story is given the genre of BL (Boys Love) because the relationship we are exposed mostly is between two men in the story. The “romance” parts are a bit weird, but reading the story, it’s all abuse. I know that there is also the argument of the story being homophobic, and while I just see the relationship as toxic and abusive, I don’t know if I can say anything on it being homophobic aside from the fact that Sangwoo seems to be a homophobic person that is confused by his sexuality. No relationship is perfect and relationships like this do exist in the world. If you want to cover a story that a shitty relationship that abuse, go to Fifty Shades of Grey where it claims to be bdsm when it’s really just not. 

4. It’s Too Violent and Gory- As simple as this answer is, if the cover photo of the story doesn’t give a hint to how everything is going to go, then it’s on you really. If you go in expecting minimal violence only to find out it’s brutal, then you really have been warned. I think because the story is expressed visually and is graphic with detail with very gritty textures and gross looking atmosphere, especially with the first two chapters, it appears much more brutal. Literature can make things visual with words, but it’s how the imagination creates the image that affects the intensity and atmosphere of the book (the mind translates details differently). We’re given raw images that showcases death and brutality and it’s disgusting and painful, just as the story is made out to be. So while I understand how disturbing the images are and how you feel towards them is complete and utter disgust, don’t look for them and then talk about how problematic they are. This story is written for audiences above a specific age that can handle this element and its general story for a reason.

So that was the defense. Now, here are the things I acknowledge about your stance:

1. It’s Triggering- For those who suffered abuse and find this story triggering because of being in a similar situation, then I’m sorry about whatever you’re going through. This story is brutal and no one should have to go through anything of the like.

2. Some Fans MAY Be Underage- As mature as this story is, age isn’t as regulated as it should be and anyone can bypass age by lying about it when signing up for the website or finding it online randomly. We can’t all monitor what children watch. It’s like an R-Rated movie. Have you ever attempted to watch an R-Rated movie without an adult? If yes, then I won’t judge you. If not, then that’s also cool. (some R-Rated movies are pretty decent you just gotta look at the reviews) As someone who found out about yaoi/boys love genre in general at age 15 but wasn’t fully interested until I was 17/18, I can see the stigma. Generally underage fans are any age below about 17-19 depending on the content and are generally considered to be immature, loud, overexcited, and very... imaginative...(?) about the story and characters. Generally, they may make a fandom unapproachable because of the extreme ends of the spectrum in views they have in regards to the story. I don’t know how old most people are in the KS fandom, but the posts I come across are generally either memes and fanart, theories and character analysis, cosplay, or “Sangwoo X Prison!!!” I haven’t seen alarming things that would make me think the fandom is under the age of at least 17 or 18 and there are mature teenagers that can handle this story. There really isn’t anything you can do if you meet someone who likes it and they’re younger than you. You’re not their parent.

3. Fan Hostility and (Sangwoo’s) Violence Toward Characters (+ Because of Personalities)- This is something that I have seen with the emergence of the female character Ji Eun. I can’t really tell how many fans were hostile because of her presence. She was made with a purpose to be a jerk and be interested in the handsome murderer (because if the murderer was ugly and straightforward, there would be much more suspicion on Sangwoo). I have seen people not like her because she was in the way of the “relationship” between Sangwoo and Bum and I have seen people not like her because she was an asshole towards Bum. Some people like her and that’s cool. Ji Eun is this character that relies on our hatred for her and then become the Roman Colosseum spectators of a lion fight. I’ve seen fans sympathize and say she doesn’t deserve to die, which makes us hate Sangwoo’s character even more because he manipulated this poor girl and yet we see her as this shallow person. In the end, I think I’ve seen many fans agree that while Ji Eun was a mean person, she shouldn’t have to die. As for Sangwoo and how he kills, he, as far as fans saw up to this point, mainly killed women. However, He does gain a male victim after Bum becomes his prisoner. And the violence is brutal no less. However, his decision to target women seems to be based on his superiority complex and even possibly his past since he also has an Oedipus Complex going on.

4. Ruining the Song Killing Me Softly- Okay, not gonna lie. I love the fandom and I love the song but on this song’s youtube video(s) nowadays includes comments that that say “KS brought me here!!!” and I get it. Personally, I actually avoid the song on youtube in general so that KS doesn’t ruin the song since now it became such a staple to the story in the first 13 or so chapters, but it’s still a good song; It’s a classic song. It’s great that people are into the song, but only being into it because KS made it relevant and cool but then crazy-twitch-eye trigger is a bit too much and can actually ruin its song’s personal value to you if it becomes simply labeled as “The song KS made relevant and trigger inducing”. To be fair to the fans though, the song was implemented really well in the story because it sounds like a bell a master would ring. It’s a good tool to really exercise control and the song choice was interesting and random in a good sense. Sorry if this one sounds like I’m attacking the fans right now, but note that it’s not horrible for you to be introduced to the song, but it seems to just be less meaningful in the long run because it’s going to be that song that some story made relevant and it will only ever be attached to that instead of taking it for what it was initially.

One final section here is the middle-ground section. This is where things that have both sides occur but cannot really be decided due to it really depending on the reader and how this affects them:

1. Illness. Namely, Mental Illness- This story specifically states that the character Yoon Bum has an illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It seems to be a very bad case on top of the fact that he has been sexually abused by his Uncle and mentally (and physically) abused by Sangwoo, his captor. His thought process and actions are affected by this illness throughout many of the chapters. I have come across people saying that they can relate to Yoon Bum and his symptoms and way that he acts and praise the accuracy. I have seen people say that it’s a misrepresentation. I have seen people say that because of how accurate it is that it triggers them and then turns them away from the story, which is understandable because we don’t want you to relive that dark time. A person with a mental illness will most certainly act one way when compared to another person with the same illness who will act a different way. Whatever influence you have in your life on top of that illness may either help you or harm you depending on the circumstances. You can act aggressive, upset, irritated, calm, in-control, lost, weak, and strong. WE ARE ALL HUMAN! WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT! NO ONE WILL BE THE SAME AS THE OTHER SINCE WE ARE ALL UNIQUE! (as cheesy as that sounds but you get my point) Understand that if you have a mental illness, whether it’s depression, BPD, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and other things, know that one person will handle it differently. Just because he or she doesn’t exhibit the same exact traits and way of dealing with it, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have a right to an opinion. One of my best friends has depression and she is affected differently when compared to a former classmate of mine in University. Neither one of them is considered any less than the other. In the realm of the story, one of the biggest deals (a bit of a scandal really) to come out of this story is an interview with the author of Killing Stalking, Koogi, where she admitted she didn’t do much research and fans are even on the fence about how they feel about that. Maybe she’s bluffing when she says that since mental illness might be a taboo thing to talk about depending on where she lives or how she might think the media might think of her. I still support Koogi, but the comment on just choosing the illness without much research and having the symptoms coincidentally match was a bit too risky because of everything that could have gone wrong. But we know that she’ll be more careful (hopefully) from now on. Mental illness it something I noticed is very difficult to talk especially if you don’t have it, but it doesn’t mean that they can’t be aware of how differently it affects people. It’s simply unfair unless they really don’t understand and shut you down by saying “you don’t have an illness” when you are proven to have it and are trying taking the steps to become better. 

2. Sexuality and Homophobic language and the Argument of Fetishization- This is a big discussion/debate between the fans and the ones who don’t like KS. The fans see the characters as either homosexuals or bisexuals with Sangwoo being more confused and then the two are just in a unofficial and abusive relationship and acknowledge this is not a relationship. As for the ones who don’t like KS, they see it as a fetishization of homosexual relationships and go straight into fujoshi/yaoi/BL lover fantasy. Both of these are valid reasons for the reasons you see fit. There are fans who are LGBTQ+ and there are people who are LGBTQ+ who dislike it. It’s all a matter of taste and if they enjoy the story or not and the characters. Fans know this is abuse and some aren’t even into the story for the “relationship” because the story is intense and arguably well written. However, fans are trying to make sense of the sexuality of Sangwoo especially since he has an unstable personality. He is mostly straight but physically and possibly emotionally sticks to Bum. He says words and talks with homophobic language sometimes but he sticks up for Bum when people make fun of him. I don’t think fans would even want to adopt Sangwoo’s homophobic language or murderous character. Actually, no fan would condone this type of behavior if someone acted like this and even fans condemn his actions. The Problematic Characters section also ties to this since his actions reflect his personality. But this is really how the fans see it. They don’t see it as fetishizing, but instead abuse. It’s the interactions between each other that they feel push the story. Now, as for the people who don’t like KS, I understand their view that it’s like it’s a fetishization of a homosexual relationship. I’ve seen that sort of thing with yaoi but it can get cringe-worthy for me when I see real-life girls shipping real people. The art in the story and scenario for Bum and Sangwoo when they do oral feels almost out of a fujoshi fantasy really, so it can be uncomfortable for those who see it that way when they read. Personally, I thought the scene was awkward and uncomfortable because of the initial situation of Bum being held captive and Sangwoo being a murderer, but it’s something that gives development to their distorted characters oddly enough. However, I will reiterate that this relationship is not official as it is manipulative and abusive as stated in the Idealization of Abuse in Relationship and Romance. Another problem lies with people who don’t like KS that say that all fans fetishize homosexual romance. That’s just outright generalizing. And I get that BL stories get flack for having that sort of thing. But I say that Shoujo manga can get pretty bad in the ideal department. All in all, it’s all on you to see if this is fetishization or an example of abuse/manipulation because there is no right answer on how to argue this. This section is the most difficult to discuss and organize so any additional input would be nice in order to edit this section properly.

If I’m missing anything, I’ll look into it and maybe mention it, but what I have here are the general concerns so far.

So, Killing Stalking is a brutal and triggering story. Will you antagonize your real life friends if they like it? Why antagonize those who like it? Why look for the tag only to bash it and say how nasty it is? We respect that you don’t like it. We can’t force you to like it. And if someone is all up in your face about it and saying “YOU SHOULD LIKE THIISSSSSS” like how you guys tell us that we shouldn’t like this, then be the better person and not act hostile. And if you dislike it that much, then blacklist the tag. Don’t tell someone to go kill themselves because that makes you just as bad as the story you say you hate with some real consequences. If the person you follow like KS, just respect that they do and unfollow them unless you like the funniness or some other thing they do. If you have people following you and they like KS, unless they specifically request something in relation to it and you know it’s uncomfortable, make it know. They follow your stuff because they like it. And stop looking for trouble if you dislike the fandom or story and then constantly talk about how bad it is. If you didn’t give the story a chance and go based off other people who talk about then, then do the research yourself and then come up with your own views on it. If the story is too much for you, then fine. If it makes you change your views and you can tolerate it, fine. Just stop harassing fans when they aren’t bothering you. So, yeah, I hope this clears up a few things about the fandom and why we enjoy the story and how reading something does not make us (the fans) evil people.

********Yo everyone, I know I keep updating this post, but feel free to tell me if I should or shouldn’t tag “anti ks” in comments because I seriously want to promote an understanding between parties instead of hostility. I can’t tell if my writing is aggressive but all I know is that it’s wrong to punish people and be mean to them for following something within their interests despite it not being the most sunshiny thing on the planet. Thanks for reading and answering.