#its ok ive been getting better at it i think? whatever
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HAPPY NEW YEAR !!! here's some of my fave/most popular art I did in 2024 <3
#shroomer talks !#the last one is blurred because its spoilers#i wanted to finish it so badly before the end of the year but alas... i have a job#hopefully will be able to finish it tomorrow or the day after#anyways!! what a good run this year has been!!#its so funny most of these pieces were done in the last few months lol i did not like any of my drawings or even had any finished pre-augus#and then boom. south park happened.#and suddenly i was rejuvenated. like a fish in water#if ill be honest with you guys ive had some of the worst art block for last few years/been so incredibly unsatisfied with my art#and its only been since august where ive finally started becoming a bit more ok with the work ive produced#i dont necessarily think ive made anything that could be a magnum opus or whatever. i dont even think i can really go:#“yea. i did that. hell yea. this is amazing”#its more like a “yea. im starting to see growth. im going somewhere. i think.”#but thats way better than what it was before where i just straight up hated my art lol#i still kinda do hate it though but its starting to be less#or at the very least its in a more positive direction where im thinking “ok i hate it but im gonna try and learn from this”#anyways thanks all of you for sticking around with little old me <3#MORE SOUTH PARK CONTENT TO COME IN 2025!!#youre not getting rid of me that easily#south park#splatoon
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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page
#delete later#deleting soon bc eyes on me#for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL#sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out#im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever#but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened#i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc#idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it#and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting#and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better#its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3#this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love#cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble#and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim
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i forgot grunt meant like henchman or whatever for a second i thought they were like yeah leonas bitch ass grunts and growls are partial proof to savanaclaw being an athletic leaning dorm lol
#well they also say that in the game not just the manga jkdlfhsdkl like in azuls union bday card#ace was like oh yeah ok you dont wanna be in savanaclaw cause theyre more athletic oriented right#and azul was like NO IM TALKING ABOUT THE SUN SHUT UP!!! jsdklfhsdklfj#anyway i was on the wiki cuz i was trying to remember what their dorm's trait thing is like according to the mirror but i DONT SEE IT.#i rememeber i get it confused with pomesiores . like i think one of theirs is tenacity . but idr which one LOL#the other is maybe endurance...????#that doesnt sound right. i feel like it was broader than that#WAIT I LIED IT DOES SAY IT AT THE TOP i just. missed that part. it IS tenacity lol#what the fuck was pomefiore then....#oh ya theirs according to the wiki is UNRELENTING EFFORTS which i think i did see sometimes written as like endurance or fortitude or smthn#anyway. savanaclaw and pomefiore's ~core value~ always felt similar to me. but also maybe i just dont know what words mean <3#not in a 'theyre too similar' way like i do think theyre different. i just think it's INCH RESTING when things r like#theyre similar. theres overlap. but theres enough distinction to put them apart#actually them being similar in some regards does feel reinforced by the rook hunt situation like he went from one to the other#and seems to be thriving regardless.... we're onto something here...#hmm what were the others.. i think heartslabyul was strictness...#ok the wiki says severity i think ive seen either eng or a translation that called it strictness lol but severity i feel like is maybe#better word choice.. just a lil... nuances nuances whatever anyway idr the others. actually wait no i know octavinelles is like#benevolence bc azul keeps mentioning it- the wiki says compassion. lol. idk if i just keep remembering close enough or like#remembering fan vs official tls. i think the wiki is doing its own direct tl and not engtwst but moving ON#scarabia is deliberation... ignihyde is diligence... diasomnia is elegance???#why is diasomnia the only one that didnt sound familiar At All LOL i dont REMEMBER THAT ONE#i remembered vaguely what scarabia was bc they make a point of mentioning it in like end of 4 or start of 5?#when they were like yeah we value foresight or w/e in scarabia so jamil hasnt been ousted right away. i like scarabia their#way of showing the different ways deliberation works with like jamil vs how it does in kaliim vs the npcs#like theyre all different ppl but still fit that criteria in their own unique ways.... hell yeah...#anyway yay i got ONE right on the nose [as the wiki has it listed anyway lol] thanks savanaclaw
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I need to be weirder about the scavengers and cannibalism...
#its been a long day... but im feeling better now. (thanks for the well wishes and such btw <3-)#(-sending my well wishes in return by tenfold bcs. damn. it seems stuff is really going around rn)#but yeah... just. augh. theres just smth about how the scavs sorta translate into more like. thriller-esque genres pretty well?#like. i feel somehow those themes compliment their characteristics? or could compliment their characteristics in a more rounded out way#sure. theyre generally a light hearted romp of absurdity with occasional themes of a not good not bad handling of 'mental health matters'#but they just really shine a bit in horrific circumstances. esp with the sort of absurdity they bring to the table#theyre odd people. even in the context of their generally weird and alien universe. and that right there feels like a trove of potential#its like. ok. the lost light crew? also odd. but thats a huge ship. full of people and variety and a sense of purpose and normalcy post-war#(normalcy being. whatever all those background folks were getting up too while plot happened around them. cruise ship stuff ig)#but in contrast. with the w.a.p crew. its an ark class ship with like. a handful of people. and a whole lot of junk and free time#both just cruising through space endlessly for years. one with hundreds of people. and one with like 6 people.#so both are technically isolated when theyre not making pit-stops planet or station side. but again. 100s vs 6 dudes.#think. top of the line cruise ship from hell with a small town sized populace vs a big shitty boat and 6 starving guys#both have the capacity to become case studies in madness. both could do really well thriller wise. but the scavs being a smaller group?#it only being the 6 of them emphasis the isolation perhaps. less variety. less change. same 6 people for 5(?) years#things could get weird fast. codependent mentalities. us vs them mindsets. an otherness about everyone else outside of their group#and then! then you add to the mix the fact that theyre eating/drinking from corpses?! *chefs kiss* awesome. love it.#non-stationary isolation + cannibalism. ough. perfect mix. a classic of maritime horror but in space! :D!#a big ship. small crew. living while knowing that as soon as you kick the bucket. your body is the meal. your body is the fuel.#no decorum about it. no faith. no belief. just perverse survival. bcs they might enjoy it. a bloody gluttony. with a bite. a sample. a taste#it takes seeing your buddy as a walking talking burger to another level. bcs every corpse you come across is also a burger. and a gas can#also fulcrum making candy out of corpses is so. particularly perfect when it comes to the horrifically absurd. just. smth about it. idk#but also also. the line. where was the line drawn for each of them? and when did they each cross it?#most of them dont seem like the type to jump head first into that. so how did they justify it to themselves? had they done it before?#and then. when did it become normal? a habit? smth enjoyable?#i might be running out of tags. but yeah. them being weirder. esp about each other and others.#nothing brings a group of people together like the overhanging knowledge that you sort of kinda wanna eat each other#(rlly wishing i could stomach realistic thrillers rn. but i just cant. gotta stick to written or artistic styles or risk panic attacks :/)#(ive tried a couple movies and shows now. and cant get through most of them. praise be synopses and peoples long rambles about them tho :D)#(nothing like reading someones passionate ramble about the meaning/symbolism of some gory nightmare without having to actually see it lol)
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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okay look. not to gatekeep but i think if you're a newer starkid and you can't tell me 1) who julia albain is 2) what little white lie is and 3) all the names in liam's got a phone call, i don't wanna hear your complaints about what starkid chooses to produce next
#what was denise donovan's first show? who originally did their music? who was in apocalyptour? QUICKLY#i wanna be clear i have no problem with new starkids who are respectful and excited about the company#my issue is the newer ones who hate on old shows/get upset about basically anything that isnt hatchetfield related/are weird to the crew#idk starkid isnt like a show fandom. its years of college friendship and a fandom built by fans. ive been here since i was 10#ive seen quite a few newer fans get upset about cinderellas castle. one dummy on twt even argued with mariah about it#and idk it just comes off as very rude to hate on a company that GIVES US STUFF FOR FREE when you dont even know their history#newsflash!! adaptations and puppets are like. as starkid as it gets#starkid is not a product that we ask for. the gang thinks up something theyre passionate about and we enjoy#its fine to maybe not like a play concept or point out poor choices from 2009. but its NOT ok to attack the company and its crew as a whole#idk. its just very frustrating to me#just be respectful! please! the starkids r not big budget a list actors they are normal people who work for little pay for passion projects#i could probably articulate my thoughts better but whatever. just be respectful thats what this boils down to#starkid#me yapping
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hi tumblr im pyrr pyrriax and im in my trimonthly artist arc, lord help me and all the projects that are currently sitting in my drafts while i am lured in by the siren song of drawing
#haunted ecosystem#this is not helping with how much my hands hurt on a daily basis this is why i type and dont handwrite/draw very much.#im lured in regardless and i really need to find an artform that doesnt Hurt but for now. digital art <3#like theres a difference between my dumb doodles (quick easy not much different from regular computer usage) and actual art#but im an artist at heart i spent sooooo long being an artist and thinking i was shit at writing. that is wrong! im actually kinda good#im rambling in tags today because i have been not social (my partner is in genshin hell and my beloved is. somewhere.)#okay but on another note i reread the first. couple chapters of wtds this morning? the pacing is a little weird and the tense is fucked#but its actually a lot better than i thought it was? you can tell i was fleshing everybody out in my head and i totally forgot about how#i described the watcher [who i am STILL redacting the name of until we get there] and just. ough. pandora being very logical#and then jumping to the latest chapter and fucking sobbing because i forgot about how it went and just. pandora and his.#whatever the fuck is wrong with him.#i have gotta start recommending people read that again. its surprisingly friendly without context because of how i approached it#that fic has taught me so many things its actually a little comical. it also made me relearn how to make and write ocs so thats fun#once i finish that main fic (and i WILL i am actually planning to sign up for a thing. im finishing it i swear.) i finally get to show off#more of the world and characters ive crafted. showing backstories and what-ifs and all these oneshots ive been keeping close to my chest#for like absolutely ages because i dont want any spoilers on my tumblr#and. im finishing that fic in pseudo-memoriam of somebody who deleted their accounts everywhere. still miss you dane!#ok this has completely gone off topic ily tumblr im going back to drawing and i might make a new pfp#it'll still be lavius but it'll be fray lavius since i think about him a lot and i like his color palette.
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if the craigslist person doesnt match the vibe ogf this fucking ridiculous show the next ep will be first of all extremely awkward, second of all extremely fucking funny and last but not least it will make us want to die💥😊
#posting this after ive been to my exam so future me howd we do#im feeling pretty confident#expecting like..#a good grade. a rly good grade#its like biochem or whatever idk its cool#bet u guys wetent expecting all this personal life drama. when u saw this post but too fucking bad#im waiting to get my grade rn i think it webt.. ok#LETS GO LADS U GOT AN A#OR WHATEVER.. THATS BOT HOW WE GRADE HERE BUT IT EITHER MEANS A OR A+ OR WHATEVERR#anyways.. better go text my family then!!#dndads#dungeons and daddies#anyway yeah craigslist person better be funny BECAUSE IF THEY ARE YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THIS FANDOM WILL NEVER FORGET ABOUT THEM#the only thing that could make my day better?#oakworthy becoming canon.#PLLEEEEASSDEEEE
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self confidence win perhaps
#was just in the winners in their 360 mirror changing room which usually makes me want to cry/throw up/leave etc etc cuz its absolutely#brutal but for whatever reason today i was ok w how i looked in da 360#like ok she kind of cute i guess....#weight m ive been trying to eat better and im down 9lbs from my all time highest#which i dont think is enough to see lmao so maybe im getting placebo confidence#which is fine ill take whatever i can get
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#personal#ok whatever. ive decided to go all in. like what?? am i just gonna sit around hoping he'll message me???#someone has to make a move and CLEARLY it has to be me NDNNDJDJDJDJDJDJSJ#tho to be fair its like. holidays JJDJDJDJDJD#i also dont know if ive mentioned this detail. but im 2 years older. so idk if That also plays a factor.#like maybe thats intimidating. idk#i just !!!! dont want this chance to pass by. so im gonna like.... Make Moves even if !!!!! it means that he'll know i like him#like ...... ok assuming he doesnt already know NDJJDJDJDJD#im sure i get GooGoo eyes u know#but n e way...... literally i have nothing to lose#like i have more to lose if i do nothing JDJJDJDJDJDJND#hhhhh god. ive been thinking about this for days. weeks even maybe. hhhhhhhhhhhh.....#but also like i think itll just be good to hang iut as friends for a bit bc like ik him in a school setting and ive hung out with him#(along with others) outside of school twice#but like... ya idk id like to know him better b4 im like YA UR THE ONE.#tho like im already thinking he is NDJJDJDJFJFJ. god............ it could just be a culmination of different things making me think that#and like i think ppl can have multiple 'the ones' or whatever#and like idk b4 him i was actually settled on being single LMAO. so like my options are pretty stacked already#like ok 1. him. and 2. me. i mean......... thats 10/10....#i'll be heartbroken if he doesnt feel the same or we dont work out but..... i mean.... whatever JDJXJXJDJZMZM#i was fine b4 i met him and i'll be fine after........
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Imso tired man. I'm so tired. Why do I work this hard I am so FUCKING over this shit
#this other bitch out here like haha woopsie i forgot to clock out for lunch even though ive been out for two hours :)#guess ill leave early today! heehee#YOU DONT DO ANYTHING. YOU FUCKED ME OVER YET AGAIN#i am SO FUCKING SICK of this shit. why do I have to be the one to suffer#why do i have to be the person who doesnt get a say in fuck all even though im doing THE MOST WORK#and then i have to sit here and act like she fucking knows what shes talking about wrt animals#IM THE ANIMAL KEEPER. I KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN THIS DEPARTMENT BETTER THAN YOU#Im going crazy fucking insane right now#my coworker is out sick so ive had to do shit scheduled for three people. me. One person#and then im told shit like its just one class! ITS NOT#i have to break them up into two because its too big of a group#then i say ok we are doing reptiles over here#and shes like oh ummmm someone has it reserved for this time so can you do it in [place that is extremely loud]#and im like yeah ok fucking sure FINE#and then we get there and someone else is like ummmm we were told to est here for lunch by [her name]#and i radio her like UMMMM??????????#and shes like Oh woopsie i did tell them! you can do it at ummmm [3rd place]#im like yeah thanks for fucking wltting me know#Sorry im sorry thus is so extreme and petty but im like DROP DEAD#youve made my work life hell when it doesnt have to be because YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB#FUCK!!!!!#YOU get to have a social life becaus you do whatever the FUCK YOU WANT#YOU get paid way more than me to do FUCK ALL#YOU dont have 30+ living beings depending on you every day#shut the fuck UP#I am so mad that i work so fucking hard and it doesnt fucking matter#so yeah sorry for starry spam but i think hes nice and right now the only thing keeping me from fucking losing it at work#along with a 1 min video of kookaburras im plahing over and over
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in a bad mood for multiple unrelated reasons :thumbsup:
#dooooooo i vent in the tags#yk what why shouldnt i#ok so. for one my executives have been dysfunctioning since monday and i think rn is the event horizon of 'oh my god if u dont work now'#and you know what ive been doing instead of working? watching a 24hr stream of armored core 6#so thats like. whatever#its the whole too depressed to do anything so you kinda vegetate which lowers ur energy even further and worsens your mood#but then a friend wanted to get my advice on like. relationship troubles hes having#and i just . was not able to connect at all. and it's like man sometimes im not even sure if i have emotions lmao#like i pride myself on Being In A Better Place Than I Was In Highschool#(like. im not considering jumping out the window every other morning)#but like. sometimes it feels like i just dont like#like other people have these rich experiences and deep loves and all this stuff and im never gonna get it#it'd be nice to be loved or be in a relationship but really like#my biggest fear is just. im in a relationship and something bad happens to my partner#and i realize i dont care#idk theres like a lot swirling in my brain#i just want to be like...#i think writing this out has actually made it worse lmao#god forbid if someones reading this please dont reach out to me abt it i do not want to talk abt it#no matter how much other people say they care abt me it never seems real anyways so like cool#god i was doing so well before going back to college and im stupid enough to actually fucking like school#i just like.#whatever#like being alive really hurts right now#i cant really put a bow on that
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context for today’s rant is that i got the feedback on my jury’s written feedback in the ‘general’ section (meaning it comes from more than one person) that i’m disrespectful towards my teachers and fellow students (i got it phrased in 2 different ways for flavour) & when i asked around today who said this so i could see how i could change my behaviour (btw none of my fellow students think this which i know bc i asked and everyone was shocked that i got this feedback) all of them were ‘i dont think this but it was discussed that’ which is funny bc it means the school’s computer system has a ghost or no one wants to fucking apologise to me for a very personal and hurtful comment that they can’t back up, but anyway, i was asking for clarification & my most diplomatic teacher (who i dont for a second believe to have written this feedback bc she’d have said so to my face no doubt) was like “well some teachers are worried about you and [best friend]’s clique & think it might turn into an Intellectuals Vs Others thing” (i don’t need to tell you this is so fucking out there i nearly fell from my seat like i have never said this in my life and when this very teacher saying this made a comment about one of my less-well read fellow students i was one of the ones who ‘‘rallied’‘ or whatever in her favour) and anyway then she continued “some ppl feel like u make condescending comments & you just need to remember not everyone has had your trajectory in life” WHICH IS FUNNY because she says this bc my bestie’s got a whole philosophy degree but i’m a highschool dropout with a lower than average iq in certain subjects. which obviously isnt even close to being the point and i do know that but i’m clearly feeling very upset and mad about this whole situation.
#my mom says i shouldnt let this embitter me but i think they should either find an example of when ive been disrespectful#or apologise to me and take it off the written feedback#i had to sit there and listen to everyone say that they dont think im disrespectful which is so fucking humiliating#because i KNOW that. but i still spent all weekend long worried out of my mind & i sat there trembling like a leaf and fucking crying#because i feel so betrayed by all these people im ngl. like im supposed to open myself up to these people and i DO#and be vulnerable with them and i AM#and yet when something like this comment is thrown around in a feedback discussion no one stands up for me?#& i know that they dont like. know all of us individually THAT well like i know that im vulnerable and open with them and they dont like#remember specifics#but theres only 14 ppl in my class which granted is a lot but its not enough to just forget that ive never done anything disrespectful#to any one of my fellow students#in the words of my favourite wrestler: This Has Hurt Me.#and in the words of my best friend who is mentioned in the post: kinda sus the only two people who got this type of feedback#(she didnt get it QUITE so harshly but she got the feedback that she should be a little more considerate towards other students#which is still nonsense because literally like everyone else said she's the one we'd all come to if we ever had a problem)#but kinda sus that the only ppl getting this feedback are the two neurodivergents in the class#whatever. whatever whatever ive been crying im upset im somehow even more upset by one of my teachers being like#'this isnt ok esp this phrasing & i'm gonna look into this' like she's super nice and sweet and it does make me feel better#but its also like. confirmation that i SHOULD feel upset somehow? idk. oh it sucks so fucking bad#& i told one of the other ones about this in terms of like 'listen i have autism i dont always know how to interact w ppl#so when i do this or that this is what i mean' and she was like 'wow ive learned so much this discussion has enriched me'#werent the point bestie. the point was for you to please stop making assumptions when i am not the only person to react in this way#very unhappy right now. this has hurt me dot tweet
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#not fallout#kal talks#ok to preface this is a POSI VENT#it just might get a little heavy#i tend to be a Little Personal on here and im going to be a lil more personal. im thinky thoughts#but man... its been a year since literally the lowest point in my life#like last march. i will say. was... really bad for me mentally. i wont go much deeper than that but maybe some of you remember.#im much much better now but i will say i was a little wary as this month and anniversary approached because i was afraid basically#(the actual anniversary passed last week and i didnt notice)#but ive managed to do soo much growing and healing from where i was last year like it is honestly astonishing#im definitely not the same person i was when i couldn't even honestly confront myself#in a way i think what happened last year was one of the best things to happen to me#it doesn't mean that nothing bad will ever happen in the future but it does mean that i survived that and i can survive whatever else#happens too#healing isnt linear i know that. like obviously im going to have setbacks and some days im incredibly whiny and bitchy#like October/November were suuuper hard on me mentally#but again - still here!#still alive and still putting laundry away and taking baths and reading books and doing art#And its almost SUMMER again!#and god i want to live this summer.#and its kind of funny how...when you think you want to die just saying thr words 'i want to live' feels like...idk. it feels like something#but i want to live#and i want to go hike at zion and i want to eat watermelon and i want to sit in the sun and paint red rocks#i wanted to die last year and it felt so real i could have but im still here and i want to live and do things while im here#that's all i guess#life's hard. its a bitch and then you die. but there are some pretty good parts to it too and every summer i remember why
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craaaaaaazy that my dad was apologizing for being angry in front of me earlier (hashtag number one trigger for yours truly) and his girlfriend was like "no you dont need to apologize" girl you just simply cannot be surprised your children dont like you very much if thats what your stance is
#my dad learned how to say sorry and it instantly made our relationship 10000000x better#isnt that crazy guys who wouldve predicted that omg#(sarcasm)#also crazy that she thinks she gets a say in my feelings at all but whatevs#like sorry im not crying and visibly breaking down ive only had to hide these things for 12 years#so yea. ive gotten pretty good at not being obvious about it#(i was punished further if i was obvious about it so that was a good motivator)#sorry for traumadumping on tumblr dot com but its just so crazy#i can only hope that she will move out soon#she also gets so bitchy whenever shes asked to pitch in financially as if she doesnt have over a million dollars#(we can barely afford rent and groceries)#(she needs 24/7 care which my dad is giving her)#(she doesnt pitch in at all for anything unless its directly for herself)#like ok. i feel bad because yaknow. ive already seen what altzheimers does to people#(rip grandma. her funeral is this friday. feel sooooo good about that. this week is awesome.)#but also she just hasnt endured a single hardship in her life and it shows in literally every interaction ive ever had with her#and i just dont eff with that i dont#personally i would never get with someone who doesnt know what its like to be denied or suffer a single time#it just really grinds me teeth dawg#she complains about the state of our shower yea girl its like that because we're poor and cant replace it#its falling apart because its cheap and we've had it for a decade#crazy how that works bro#ggrrrrrrrrrrr. sorry. its been 2 months and i am not adapting at all#i cant say ive been a fan#saw my mom yesterday btw. in the store. and it was awful#i thought i saw her car in the parking lot and so i was already feeling dread#have to see her again friday#oouuurgghhghhghhghhghgghh.#at least tomorrow should be fine. its wednesday. wednesday is a good day of the week#it will be almost 90 degrees however.
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i am going to try watching a show i never got 2 finish. not telling u what it is incase i actually am not able to
#ive seen a bitchy guy so ive been bewitched and i want 2 try it again#i was watching it with ykw but obviouslyyyyyyy we stopped wtchingggg bc . LOL#if yr aware of my life u may know what it is since there were just a couple shows i watched with him#well it isnt spn. ill tell u that. if i ever watch spn again itll probably be with lamp#but also idk if theyd actually have fun. but i think its very funny especially the first season the editing is sooo sillay. so yes#but anyways thats not what im watching so strike it off your list... there r like. 2 other options i think KJADNBKJWA#we watched That show 2gether (its getting another season soon and i genuinely dont know if ill like. Be Able to watch it or not. bc of.#gesture...)#but then theres the show im watchig which like even tho i watched it with him it was like. i think we started watching it when we were#already on a break LOL#so. itisnt rly a him show. so i think ill handle it better#its like allergy shots ill watch this and if i handle it ok i can try and watch That show. but also i still might not be able to#bc that one. ugh. im not getting into my stupid fucking kindating trauma thats Actually humiliating. whatever. suffice to say it was a much#bigger part of the relationship (the relationship went in phases of dumb fucking kin shit and that show was one of them)#no offense to kinnies . love u guys. i just have a very very very unstable sense of self and was pressured into acting more like characters#who were dating characters he kinned. and it like. idk ik its Sillay but it did rly mess with me like hed call me by the characters names#and stuff and Other details and idk. kinning just is not for me LOL it was honestly a big delusion for me and i will nott be returning. but#that doesnt mean im anti kinning even when it is a delusional thing like yk. Just for me it was very unhealthy and also i was pressured int#it. soo yes. sorry i got serious. shaking my fist#its so embarassing to have such tumblrcore trauma like. ok. i cant even talk abt it with therapists bc its so embarassing]#<- the kinning isnt the stuff its just like. Ok. how do i explain to a therapist in a way that isnt humiliating that i met a groomer bc i#drew fucking bmc life is strange crossover fanart on tumblr.com and then he invited me into a discord server that ruined my life.#like i cant say that. humiliating.#ANYWAYS. its show time. im just gonna start from. well ull never believe. The start#bc idr where we stopped lol...
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