#its now 3 hours later what about... the eggs... theyre just sitting there by themselves...

[creekfiend]

I'm the worst at reading fanfiction bc ppl will be like oh we are cooking a meal but we have been distracted by our amorous feelings or whatever and go have sex and I'm like but... your meal...

[24-guy]

I spent 2 hours on writing notes from the prison podcast stream.

Now I don’t know what to do with them, so I’m putting them here. 

No need to read them, there is just some interesting stuff I noticed, things like tones and how many times somethings are brought up. 

if you do, though, I apologize  for spelling errors. 

start stream

techno "did the calculations" on how long it would take to mine obsidian with the amount of mining fatigue they had. we knoe this is true.

dream has been writing, it is the only thing hes been able to do with the limited items he has. its his "diary"

techno teases over fanfics on wattpad

"the only thing ive written is my diary" do the revive books not count, then? or what is in the revive books that isnt writing?

techno focuses on that nobody is watching - dream doesnt comment on it - dream doesnt know about the voices?

techno is supposed to break dream out, but he hasnt got many ideas "ill get to it later"

techno enjoys prison - sees it as a vacation

techno has an optimistic outlook.

go with the flow

dream sees harming himself as exhillerating techno disaprooves

dream tells techno quackity has been torturing him everyday. techno is only surprised by the every day part

dream mentions the revive book techno remembers being told about that asks "yeah you can bring people back from the dead. yeah so how do you do that" - curious tone, seems genuinely interested for innocent meanings dream responds " i have.. the knowledge and then i get a book and then i burn it" - hesitant at first, then vague but seemingly honest reponse

techno asks what the knowledge is, incantation/password/expelliarmus dream says "something like that" slowly, then quickly says he doesnt know and that he "doesnt know how schlatt had it" - going away from the topic original book - there are more than one it is a book is what youre saying - t well... i mean, it was a book that i memorised and that now i can recreate - d techno tries again to get the knowledge he wants to revive people dream doesnt want to tell techno because he wouldnt be the only one who knew techno tries to bargain saying that if dream died, techno coulld bring him bacl dream knows they wont kill him because he can revive people

dream says no, techno says "you forgot how to write it down didnt you dream says he didnt, that he did it recently, techno repeats again that dream forgot brings up wattpad again. dream says he wrote it down for tommy. he doesnt mention wilbur to techno. bring up the homeless situaation prison is dreams house cell is boiling apparently makes a joke about cali rent prices

nobody visited the cell "we stopped anarcy" "when we get out of here" no though ahead going into this situation (techno) "just as far as i need to" dream doesnt know what techno means by stream schedule, techno jokes about dream's lack of schedual techno usually trains always looking for new combat, reasearching constant arms race no idea when a government will arise or opressing people is always prepared has a good amount of gear he also plays golf somewhere offers a game with dream no way to describe it somewhere farther than his house

dream asks about tommy techno hasnt seen him canonically, only knows he stole acouple months ago - as far as he tells dream

dream asks about carl carl is doing well

dream asks about the family its doing good, apparently, new foxes, got steve who will break him out dream writes about steve "i will write evrrything down because its hard to remember" another fanfic joke

dream asks whos feeding them they feed themselves its probably fine

milld break for 4 wall break

gist or jist

prison podcast offers, agrees that is all this is

technical difficulties

podcast bros

eating potato

dream offers his thoughts on what would happen of he tried to revive somebody who is alive two technoblades human meat sheild

dream wants to try no death first what could go wrong nothing else to do

techno house is man vs nature conflict floor has ants floof brings ants spilled pet food dream has a revivebook techno tries to read it first hit with book a small wait throw into lava DreamXD joins broke the table fixed table a god dream "cloned himsef" god looks exactly like dream feels like a question to ask earlier dream summoned dreamxd ask for wish ask for bell dream gets mad because no escape dreamxd leaves sellout timer goes off techno makes money as dream questions his life dream sits in corner hole techno aims to be annoying we count channel members for a bit

dream and techno friend bonding time?

summons dreamxd for reviving nobody dream writes this in his diary as techno rings bell tries again, it doesnt work creative mode is a known thing by mortals they know how deadly it is

warden on vacation

techno hasnt written anything he has at least 4 books in his inventory, going from the top 2nd space to the top 5th space. the fourth book is called information and is signed by dream. dream throws a potato in the lava techno asks for the revive book again, this time to see of dreamxd will come back because it is a different person summoning him dream says no

techno needs a bell to sell out for the *brand*, ritual and tradition dream put the bell in church prime no twitch primes for dream - hes a heratic (no contract) dream makes no profit dream has lots of raw potatos for 5-6 months

techno asks if dream has any friends dream says not really, they turned against him techno knows the feeling being betrayed by closest friend happens every tuesday for techno

dream mentions being visited by a few people techno asks if any tried not to torture or kill him dream says yeah like he wasnt expecting the question/(as techno put it) "he hesitated"

sapnap - didnt torture or kill him - but he said if dream got out of there, then he would - techno says hes gotta raise his standards

bad - was the best - treated dream the best - techno says hes a cult leader - dream is surprised so techno tells him about the egg - techno wasnt clear - bad hasnt viseted since 4-5 months ago - techno says even he has friends - egg was attacked - big crossover episode not clear what is going on

techno - last time they saw each other was dooms day - been a while - lot has happened - techno doesnt now whats going on currently on the server - he knows nothing - "people" tell him who died and who came back

tubbo - asks about tubbo - tubbo is chillng - snowchester named - commune - a little sus - dictator - no rushing to conclusions - tubbo has nukes - big crater - a hoby - could be meteor

ranboo - asks about ranboo - ranboo is also chilling - brings up tubo's nukes now

dream points out that techno said he didnt know anyting and then said about a new place, nukes, and a lot more dream doesnt know anything - less than techno

ranboo (again) - dream says he used to visit a while ago and then stopped coming - techno asks "ranboo used to visit?" - ranboo visited "a bit" - probably visited the most - sapnap visited - tommy visited a couple of times - bad visited - and quackity - quackity visited the most, only because hes visited daily

more potatos pog potatos

ranboo (x3) - techno asks how dream knows ranboo - "um... its just a.. long story" - techno replies sarcastically about how they dont have any time to go through it, theyre so busy with the bell - dream "i dont know him very well. he just visited a few times and that was it." - techno just repeats alright, its either bored or thinking - dream "and then i havent seen him since then so thats why i was wondering where hes been, if hes been around" - techno " ah... im not sure. i havent been around fpr like the past couple of months, honestly."

techno went on  atraining montage, played golf

dream asks about the plan to get out mining fatigue 3 doesnt mean they cant break blocks, its just approximately 370 times longer breaking obsidian takes a bit over 4 minutes math = obsidian block gone in 25.7 hours. an alarm break in the right spot break block in toilet elder guardian below the cell techno can take him if techno somehow dies dream brings him back could be out in 2 weeks havent been visited for 2 weeks nothing to lose dream has to break obsidian techno wants to end stream techno came up with idea so dream has to do it dream starts bell ringing for cheerng him on techno sounds happy that dream is doing it voices are mentioned - theyre laughing techno has perfect track of time techno is gonna annoy dream the entire time techno is a lookout there are only 4 books we only see the 4th name floof interrupts momentarily tommy killed a cat because dream liked it 300 dogs in the cell joke

channel member bell dream regrets his life again techo's plan? bell was a better investment dream has 10 bells in e chest techno doesnt techno wanted to go for more so techno could ring bell again

end of stream

[s3venpounds]

1-98

thank you my dewd for giving me something to do! ngl was going kinda insane and i’ll take anything over doing chores tbh also sorry if this is hella late

weird asks that say a lot

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

coffee mugs usually because they hold more liquid and i use them for everything lol tea, coffee, alcohol, soda

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

lollipops, i like having something in my mouth for long amounts of time(and yes pun intended)

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy oh my god. I have such a sweet tooth its ridiculous. I once bought 7 large bags of cotton candy from K days and ate them for the next 2 months even when they got hard and probably nasty lmao i just love that shit. even cotton candy flavoured stuff ( except vodka. thats a trap. )

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

shy, reserved, well behaved basically i was a wimpy little shit

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

I like them in glass cups so i can clean it afterwards and use it again later, waste makes me feel guilty

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

if its applied to me? pastel. I love brighter colors after i stopped wearing blacks greys and whites. they feel so good and look so nice. on someone im interested in? sportswear, formal, grunge, goth, pastel, tomboy. in no particular order. if its sportswear stuff that really highlights muscles and how toned they are just MMMMMMMM. formal is fuckkkkkkking attractive. like if the white collar shirt is unbuttoned halfway and the blazer is rolled up? or no blazer but with suspenders and the sleeves rolled up? OMG i will literally lick their collarbones idgaf

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphones, mostly because its just healthier for your ears, as much as i like earphones and use them more often i just prefer headphones cuz people usually dont bother me, i do dislike the hat hair though and how bulky they are

8. movies or tv shows?

im kind of a weeb so i much prefer tv shows with regular releases so im not waiting 6 years or something for avengers lol i need my fixxxxxxxxxxx

9. favorite smell in the summer?

after rain smell or during rain smell idk. carnival food? the ocean? just water scents i guess

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

dance or volleyball both of which im still doing to this day very happily c:

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

cereal, maybe some nutella, whatevers left over if someone cooked the night prior or just basic bacon eggs and rice. fried rice if im feeling lucky

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Emotions empty. YEET

13. lanyard or key ring?

lanyard. I’ve had the same spidergwen/ghost spider lanyard since like 2015 and i refuse to use another lol. it feels so cool to yank on the lanyard and swing it around

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

rock candy. hands down. that shit makes me nutty. like if i was an earth bender or some shit i’d make a giant club made of the stuff and smack people with it and lick it afterwards

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

the outsiders probably i mean its not like crazy favourite but like its the one i enjoyed the most out of the ones i was forced to read (i really hate being forced to do shit)

16. most comfortable position to sit in? criss cross as im doing right now lmao or sitting on one of my legs

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? ah shit I just threw them out cuz they were old af but i had these nike high tops with the little puffy thing that inflates the sides of the shoes to make it more comfortable and it was so good in the winter and summer. it like breathed enough to let my feet stay nice and cool but it also stayed warm and never let snow get in my shoes cuz they were so high they acted like boots. i wore those for like my entire highschool experience

18. ideal weather?

raining. or breezy day. wind makes me sleepy and rain makes me excited to jump around in puddles and run as if my lifes calling is pulling me towards it

19. sleeping position? 

I always sleep on my stomach. its my most comfortable position and i knock out so easily if i do. apparently its a family thing too lol my siblings all outgrew it but w.e

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? 

on a laptop or in my journal. the tapping of laptop keys makes me feel productive while writing in my journal makes me feel like itll be saved for the rest of my life

21. obsession from childhood?

psychology and the inner workings of the mind. why something thinks lowly of themselves, why someone thinks highly of themselves, how they came to this decision, why they thought to refuse this and that its really interesting to me to see peoples reasoning

22. role model?

not even a physical person but ALL MIGHT from my hero academia or boku no hero academia. yknow that phrase ? “ what would jesus do?” yeah its “what would all might do?” for me luuuuuuuuuuuuul

23. strange habits?

i dont really know any strange habits myself but im sure my friend justin knows a few

24. favorite crystal?

crystal???? uhhh i dont know much about this but i guess i would go with emerald? since its my birth stone?

25. first song you remember hearing?

a barney song. i shit you not.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

I dont really like the heat all that much. summer is just suffering to me tbh lol like what do you do when youve taken off all ur clothes, ur AC is dead and your room is the highest room in the house where all the heat gathers? nothing. you do nothing. you cry and almost get heat stroke.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

I loooooooooooove snowboarding im not good at it though but god damn its fun. specially with friends and learning together it makes me so happy seeing people grow c:

28. five songs to describe you?

fix you cold play(currently listening to this), im still here (treasure planet soundtrack) by john reznik, Good things fall apart Jon bellion, lost stars Adam levine, After Dark Asian Kung Fu Generation. is what i can say so far? i’ve got tons of songs i relate to those are the ones that just popped into mind

29. best way to bond with you?

be physical. touch me, graze me, be comfortable with me and hold up a conversation. As much as i like talking I LOVE hearing about the people im interacting with. hobbies, dreams, goals, nightmares everything. other than that? just spend time with me. any time is fine. i do prefer really deep conversations at like 3 am lol

30. places that you find sacred?

sacred to me? St. Clements park and not much else. a looooooooooot of shit has happened there. my first kiss, my worst break up, my best make up/make out, my best date. 

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

I got these leather boots that do a clack sound on pavement and i feel powerful as fuck. I got this really high quality black formal shirt from le chateau that breathes really well and highlights my figure. I have these black jeans with zippers above and below the kneecap that make me feel dope. so yeah full black lol. theres also this grey sweater i have that flows in the wing like a cape and i feel like a superhero when wind blows it behind me

32. top five favorite vines?

ok ok theres this one i cannot find again for the life of me but its like this asian guy sittin in a stall taking a dump and it cuts to an ice cream dispenser then some dude knocks on the door and the asian guy gasps and it cuts to the ice cream dispenser but goes backwards so the poop is like going back in and the asian guy goes like “ unnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhhhh” and shudders and i like fucking collapse a lung everytime i think about it. some of king vaders anime parodies are fucking hilarious, the dude who made that vine where “ if johnny has 23 dish soaps” and he goes “ wait why does johnny have 23 dish soaps” and he goes “ mind your business david” while playing with dishsoap lmao. OH OH and that one where the kid puts random shit on his head to signify its his mom like where he goes “ I like ya accent where ya from?” “ im from liberia” “ *in a whisper* oh my bad I like ya accent where ya from” yeah this is longer than i thought i’ll stop it here i still got like 60 questions left

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“lmao” i’ve now used to as a similar term to lol. sometimes i say it in irl like “ le mao” and i internally cringe everytime

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

pizza 73, sleep country canada “why buy a mattress any where elseee” and some spotify ads cuz theyre fucking everywhere

35. average time you fall asleep?

midnight or 10 at the earliest

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

god... uhhh.. one of those rage comics those old ass black n white memes

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel bag, i am NOT organized enough for a suitcase plus duffels i can carry across my chest like a backpack

38. lemonade or tea?

oof. lemonade from k days was really gooooooood. but tea is something im always comfortable with.. ill go with tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? cake defnitely. cake tastes more mellow while meringue is like a burst of flavour right away

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

a dude OD’d during school hours or that time a dude had a seisure in class

41. last person you texted?

clarence

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

jacket pockets if i wanna look badass, pants pockets if im just being a panda

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

oooof. uhh leather or bomber. leather because i love biker aesthetic too and bomber just looks comfy

44. favorite scent for soap?

i dont particularly have one but i do like old spice or irish spring

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

SUPERHERO. HANDS DOWN. fantasy second and sci fi 3rd.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

.... naked. only on days i cannot sleep at all

47. favorite type of cheese?

uhh fuck dude uhm.. toss up between cream cheese or parmesan

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

durian. I hate durian. its spiky on the outside, smells like burnt asshole but taste is redeeming

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

inside jokes with justin. just hanging out with the dude I had the best gut wrenching laughs of my life. laughs where my jaw hurt from laughing, i lost feeling in my cheeks, my face was red and couldnt stop crying. those laughs.

51. current stresses?

job security, love life, and friends who are currently getting more and more busy and cant hang out as often

52. favorite font?

IDK? Helvetica?

53. what is the current state of your hands?

dry and typing.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

People are stupid as fuck. and coworkers are dangerous thanks alex for throwing a kitchen knife at me

55. favorite fairy tale?

idk if it counts since disney always makes fairytales but treasure planet?

56. favorite tradition? 

probably christmas because i think its super important who you choose to spend it with and who you DO spend it with is a sign of how much they mean to you

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

dads abuse, my biggest break up, my friends attempted suicide

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

yknow the devil sign you make by closing your hand in a fist except your pinky and pointer finger? i can make my pointer and pinky touch. I also have been told my volleyball spikes have been really good recently. uhh my dancing I guess? singing?

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

EVERYTHINGS FINE WHY? BECAUSE I AM HERE!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

My hero academia. hands down.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

You got the makings of greatness in you, but you gotta take the helm and chart your own course! Stick to it, no matter the squalls! And when the time comes, you'll get the chance to really test the cut of your sails and show what you're made of! And... well, I hope I'm there, catching some of the light coming off you that day. TREASURE FUCKING PLANET BOIIIIIIIIIIS

62. seven characters you relate to?

jim hawkins, hikigaya hachiman, shoya ishida, natsuki subaru, Hinata Shoyo, Hiccup, roxas.

63. five songs that would play in your club?

oh god. uhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. learn to fly foo fighters? castle on the hill ed sheeran? man idk im not huge on clubs, just shit from like 2000′s rock bands that white person knows the lyrics to and probably screamed in their room when they were mad

64. favorite website from your childhood?

YTV when they first released those side kick things thos games were so cool except that one day where the sidekick turned into a monster i legit got scared lol

65. any permanent scars?

tons actually and i love em! they remind me that things happened and that i wont ever forget them. currently tryna get a scar for volleyball HEHEHE

66. favorite flower(s)?

i dont know much about flowers but roses and lavender is nice. and that flower in philippines where if you touch it, it like curls into itself. 

67. good luck charms?

the keychains people i’ve fallen for have given to me. like this one bullet bill keychain AB gave me when we first met in highschool. i still have it. its faded and chipped in places but i feel like it makes me feel stronger yknow?

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

birthday cake vodka. hands down. and i’ve literally tasted my own puss from an infected wound on accident

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

in philippines flies are always swarming around peoples food so what i learned was to rip up the napkin to look like that thing people used to dust the house and it keeps them away if you swing it at them

70. left or right handed?

right handed c:

71. least favorite pattern?

pattern? uhh anything disorienting i guess

72. worst subject?

math. 100% math. 

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

meatball marinara sub with like every sauce from subway

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

8. i think i have a high pain tolerance

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i dont remember.. maybe like 6?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

MASHED POTATOES.FRJISD

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

not a big fan of plants....

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

sushi from a grocery store. just cuz im not willing to pay 30 bucks for somewhat fresh stuff from a retaurant

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? school id funny enough

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

...what? i guess jewel tones?

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

FIREFLIES OWL CITYYYYYYYYY

82. pc or console?

console. i have a better understanding of how console plays vs computer. computer is too finicky for me and aiming is a lot harder. console i know how people on console move and how i move and how to aim. 

83. writing or drawing?

writing. if i knew how to draw though thatd be a different answer

84. podcasts or talk radio?

talk radio cuz i like to phone in and talk about my experiences lol i got to be on one actually it was dope

84. barbie or polly pocket?

uhhhhhh barbie?

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology!

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cupcakes

87. your greatest fear?

death. or atleast what happens afterwards

88. your greatest wish?

to be a hero. 

89. who would you put before everyone else?

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Z

90. luckiest mistake?

one time in gym class we were playing dodgeball and i slipped trying to run backwards and a dude threw a ball at me but i kicked it in a way it went straight up and i had enough time to catch it

91. boxes or bags?

boxes, much better leverage and storing is like a game of tetris!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

lamps or overheads. sunlight has glare on my stuff and its hard to play and fairylights arent enough 

93. nicknames?

tin man, AG, metal man, poetry man, silverado, silver city, quick silver anything with silver really.

94. favorite season?

fall and winter. winter being the best

95. favorite app on your phone?

Epic seven

96. desktop background? its a picture of hinata shoyo from HAIKYUU!! doing a spike with wings on his back!

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

only 1. thats my own lmao

98. favorite historical era?

uhhhhhh shit idk. they all seemed pretty shitty tbh..........

[vitalmindandbody]

Admissions Of A F* ckboy: I Donated To A Sperm Bank And It Was Such A Tour

Walking out of your accommodation with the intent to masturbate is an uneasy feeling.

Its uneasier knowing youll be doing so legally, safe from the handcuffs and stigma that follow the demoralizes whamming off in the subway.

I truly had to snicker at the believed to be the whole thought. There are loopholes everywhere in this nature, as long as you know how to find them. And here I was, swiping my MetroCard with a hop-skip in my pace and an attention toward one of those imaginary destinations you know is real, but hidden, crammed into metropolis like secrets.

The sperm bankwas a place that didnt merely examine fondly on masturbation, butit and would compensate you for it.

As far as loopholes croak, the sperm bank, just by prevailing, felt like a long overdue affirmation to my 12 -year-old self, who, I swear to God, would have ejected on his eggs every morning if he could.

Because no matter who he grows to be, every adult male comes from a squirming, semen-crazed cretin conducted around for years by the incorrect psyche. Its embarrassing on some stage, but real and inevitable and completely normal on another.

Its important to remember who you are and where you come from.

I hate my 12 -year-old self, but hes certainly good-for-nothing to be scared of, and he deserves some enjoy because it was all he required. So I channeled him as I skipped off the metro and into the shambolic normality of Lexington Avenue atnoon.

Walking against congestion, I weaved and swerved through the 401( k) combat: dejected investment categories, the wind blowing their ties up their cervixes; preppy, young go-getters, wearing purple on purpose; measured women around pantsuits onhands-free labels; bald managers indicating off every possible face spaces, windshields, the wind itself.

Everything steel, everything imposing, everything sculpted. Yet, somehow, everything also severely edgeless.

I often feel like an infiltrator in this field, whichfeelslike one large-scale savings account is built around Yes Men and 40 th-floor favors. Like me, all of them had1 2-year-old versions of themselves, but theyd all been thumped out of them, like boners tucked up in the waistbands of their own lives.

After split second of investigating their faces, their headaches were plain to read: These parties seemed entirely unaware of their close proximity to a biology lab that mostly doubled as a modern succor terminal. They involved a release.

I smiled at them from under sunglasses as I approached the labs build: a grey-haired monstrosity branded as country offices spa. Glass doorways discriminated the street from a lily-white, modern lobby.

A concierge buzzed me through without judgment.Instead, he grinned, too. That corroborated mine and redoubled as a tap on my 12 -year-old selfs shoulder, almost as if to allege: See buddy, you werent so bad after all.

For those who dont know, sperm banks( or cryobanks) accumulate and distribute donated bodily fluids and tissues to people who need such things. The broth is disproportionatelysemen, but also includes embryos, oocytes, ovarian tissue, testicular materials, and more.

Sperm tests are analyzed for effectivenes, condition, vitality and health and, if accepted, are frozen until a later date. Women interested in in vitro fertilization then re-examine stored tests, hand selecting characteristics theyd prefer in their child.

This establishes cryobanksthe ultimate Darwinian battlefield.

In vitro fertilization isnt uncommon, but its still comparatively uncommon, and given the size of the potential donor base, requirements are strict. Most banks wont accept a donor shorter than five foot seven, and overweight donors are generally repudiated. Some clinics admit only 1 percent of donor applicants.

Certain qualities are in higher request statistically. Mothers miss their children are derived from physicians more often than from taxi operators, for example. Theyd rather their babies not havecertain genetic fragilities, like a familial record of diabetes.

They likewise disproportionally crave semen of Italian genealogy, for whatever reason.

In vitro fertilization is commonly an upper class alternative, so it simply constitutes sense that such fathers would prefer donors with more white collar professions, backgrounds and appearances.

Basically, what that mean for dudes is: If you want to be a donor, you need to be towering, strong, fit for rearing and an admirable representation of traditional success.

Blue-eyed, spaghetti-loving intelligence surgeons who are somehow six-foot-four and free atnoonon aThursday thats the archetype. The world is, most donors are young men with flexible hours who could use the money. Like me.

I pressed the elevator button and squirmed anxiously as the doors closed, agitated to be acknowledged that my swimmers stacked up.

If you want to be a donor, “youve got to be” towering, strong, is suitable for raising and an admirable of traditional success. Blue-eyed, spaghetti-loving brain surgeons who are somehow six-foot-four and free at noon on a Thursday thats the archetype. The actuality is, most donors are young men with flexible hours who could use the currency. Like me.

The fourth floor opened to a tiled hallway lining two disconnected place infinites. The kind of fluorescent dawns youd see in a dentist officebathed the corridor, committing it a infertile look, like somehow this is only the test tube and you were already in it. A really strange meta/ horny combo ethos crowded the room.

And that was when I went past all the jizz decorations.

Thats right, jizz emblems. At the conclusion of its hallway, two glass entrances signaled the entryway to the donor part of the cryobank. Through the glass, it ogled not unlike your usual physicians bureau waiting room: portable chairs rowing a direction to a receptionist window, a non-functioning television hanging above apprehensive patients, publications, snacks.

But if you zoomedOUT and focused on the doors themselves, it suddenly became apparent this wasnt a typical clinic.

You know how a kindergarten teacher will print out unthreatening cartoons of swine, like a lion, and staple them to abulletin board? Its for medal, but its too supposed to help the minors informed about vowels, and lion has two vowels in it.

But they dont magazine out an image of a lion destroying a zebra carcass. They print out an image of him smiling, returning a thumbs up whatever.

Well, the glass openings of this clinic are decorated with similar epitomes of sperm. Earnestly. Animated blue swimmers glued to the doors accepted donors in what purposes as a disarmingly transparent salute and super-effective confirmation that, yes, theyre in the right place.

A printout speaking DONOR ENTRANCE sits scotched-taped between the imitation swimmers. The clinic literally shapes you walk through the sea to come in.

So, thats what I did.

They construct you fill out species. Lots of forms.

The booklet sat eight pages late in the clipboard. A heated, post-grad liberal character with a Lena Dunham haircut handed it to me at the receptionists desk, right before informing me I wouldnt be paid for this visit.

I accepted her as the woman whod answered my email inquiry and scheduled the visit. Donors are only paid after theyve been accepted, she spoke. Today was my trial run.

All right, I mentioned. I understand.

I sat down with my brand-new publication. The extend sheet was filled with foreground verse and capital letters.

PLEASE READ INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY.

WRITE CLEARLY AND LEGIBLYON ALL PAPERWORK.

WRITE TODAYS DATE ON EVERY PAGE WHERE DESIGNATED.

PRINT YOUR FULL LEGAL NAME AT THE BOTTOM OF EVERY PAGE.

PLEASE INITIAL AND DATE ANY CORRECTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN MADE.

Very ominous, all these directions. Exceedingly clinicalNot exactly an aphrodisiacal environment.

I flip-flop the page.

First, they want to know all your medical record, then all your genetic history, then all the medical record of your family.

Do you have any history of epilepsy, of hepatitis, of Zika, of this, of that? How many maternal uncles do you have? How many paternal aunts? Where did they come from? Where are they now?

Have “youve been” traveled out of the country? Where? Have you ever traveled in different countries? When? Where? Have you ever been incarcerated? Do you have sounds? Pages and pages of this.

Finally, you turn to a page that asks you to detail your sexual record. The questionnaire asks you how many sexual partners youve had in the past 12 months, then asks you to list them and gives youspaces to do so. Five.

Not merely do they expect me to recollect my sex partners, but they are leave room for five? Hilarious.

I literally burst into laughter.Good happen I was the only one waiting.

The questionnaire asks you how many sexual partners youve had in the past 12 months, then asks you to itemize them and gives you five spaces to do so. Five. Not exclusively do they expect me to remember my sexual marriages, but they are leave room for five? Hilarious. I literally burst into laughter.

Youre likewise asked to itemize what shield you used, every time, with each partner. It was an depleting exercise in reminiscence and defy that I ultimately succumbed to.

I couldnt help but lie on that portion. I only didnt know.

Shortly after, a man penetrated mid-3 0s, blue sweater, classy jeans, bald manager and whisker. He looked as if he could be coming from anywhere in New York.

Walking up to the receptionist, he removed a card from his pocket and swiped it against a card reader while in stride. The readers initiated a light-headed a opening guiding within the agency, unlocking it.

I mustered he was an active donor, a person who had already well underway screened. Active donors are frequently allowed to donate several times per week. Each season, they received about as much money as I do for these columns.

The man didnt look up or clear attention contact with anyone. He just marched in.

Because Im a dick, I made a document of the time.

Over the next fewminutes, I fucked up the forms multiple times while my blood sugar descended considerably and while, I reckon, Bald Man experienced himself.

I sided my completed application form to the Lena Dunham woman, was told to wait and then was handed them back by a cheery, unionized type who emerged from the back of the agency and put me more in the mood.

She had complicated brown seeings that bristled with this concoction of compassion and permission and you want to fuck me matter-of-factness. They almost became me guilty for being there, selling the future infants I could legitimately suppose establishing her.

This entire slouse needs to be filled in, she told me calmly.

I missed an entire division?

She smiled like I wasnt the first idiot, and wouldnt be the last.

I missed lunch, was my lame excuse.

Thats why we have snacks, she answered. Help yourself.

I hadnt discovered just how stunning a collecting of treats this waiting room offered popcorn, corn microchips, protein barrooms, granola rails, trail concoction, cheese scrabbles (!!).

Being the only one there, I decided to load up before Bald Man reemerged. I went to town, spraying crumbs all over the questionnaire, which was now asking me which street medications, if any, Id assimilated in the past two weeks. You mean besides cheese scrabbles?

I reverted the forms. Boss Lady approved them, eyeing the popcorn scraps on my upper cheek. She asked me a few more wonders, squinted suspiciously and asked me to sit again.

On the practice back to my chair, I find a portable refrigerator in the reces of the room. It was labeled DONOR REFRIGERATOR.

, I belief,

Boss Lady receded out of display, and “its just” me again. I had half a sentiment to openup the refrigerator and picture for myself when Bald Man rose again from the glass openings, his head down, never bursting his speed as he departed in a hurry.

I look back my watch. 11.5 hours. I thought.

Lena Dunham instructed me to walk through the glass openings to a back area where I would situate my test. She handed me an empty plastic beaker with a off-color name, a sticker with my figure on it.

After youve deposited your test, youll realise labelled go-carts in the hallway, she said. Youll leave your test there to be analyzed, and well advise you in a few days.

I nodded and saw my road down the passageway where four tiny quiz rooms waited, all exhaust. I chose the most significant one and looked at my watch.

The room was coated blood-red and nondescript. A single portable chair sat in the middle, next to an intent counter. A subside remained on the back wall below a clue, imploring patients to cleanse their hands.

Another sign informed that lubrication was available upon request. Another non-functioning video hung from the wall.( I acquire it was non-functioning; I didnt want to touch anything more than I had to .) A stack of Hustler Magazines weresprawled and weathered on the table.

I closed the door. I anticipated.

I grew up with Internet porn, never even considering magazine porn. Its kind of like the path millennials consider newspapers: pointless, burdensome remnants. But here it was, my only option.

I wondered if it would even work.

It did. I started to climbing. Unexpectedly, my original believe, the one that stumbled me as I moved out the door earlier in the day, came again.

I was going to uncovered myself in public, and by that, I represent outside of the privacy rights of my own home.

There wouldnt be repercussions. There would not be police. There was nothing indecent about this revelation, and thats a very strange notion to wrap your heading around, specially when so much blood is hastening from it.

Young guys are studied from such a young age to obscure their boners. Its a proficiency in survival education that evolves as they age, and as the stakes rise. We know instinctively they are important, “they il be” fragile, “they il be” cherished and used.

Not long after we start sprouting, we are told our erections are rude, they are wrong, they are even felon, and we spend the next 50 years or so stuffing them up into our waistbands in suspicion of being ostracized.

Much of a young mans adolescence is an education in abridging his erectings, harnessing them in an attempt to protect himself. So to sit there without dismay genuinely was a trip.

I giggled aloud and wondered if anyone could sound. While Im here, I guessed, I might as well enjoy it, so I clanged off some puns in my head.

I thought.

I snickered.

It all became too much. I looked at my watch. Six minutes killed. Thats more than enough time wasted.

I sat down, breath and unzipped.

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