#its not like.im gonna actually do it

[emlos]

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[irlnikeiyomiuri]

i wanted to yell about how evil trying to get into college is but i just genuinely do not have the words for how dismal this is

[gaytoddhoward]

eyyy im using my school laptop so i can actually put a cut wahooo

i feel sick from anxiety bc like. i have an online class tomorrow but also im hella grounded right so i have to use the family laptop but my dad has decided that hes going to be checking my browser history and be "monitoring" what i do which normally wouldnt be a problem bc all i use that laptop for is flight rising and these classes right. but im grounded and not supposed to use goddamn anything and yesterday? earlier today? i had let temptation get the better of me and i used the laptop to feed my shart rising dragons bc i didnt want to lose my well fed bonus. but like i didnt clear my history afterwards & idk if my dad has checked the history since then or when he's next going to check so im worried that if i remove it he'll know but if i dont he's definitely going to find out and like.im fucked either way?? and if he isnt at home tomorrow then thats going to basically confirm my suspicions that my parents have spyware installed in our shit which is something ive thought has been a thing for a few years now???????? bc my dad had called me a nickname that literally only like two of my online friends ever called me, which had been based from my user at that time? which was highly suspicious and only made me distrust my parents further but obviously not enough to think ahead. anyways i thikn if im still awake in 2 hours when i Know my parents will be asleep im gonna see if i can quickly delete that bit from the laptops history without waking anyone up bc my dad normally gets up super early & if he checks the history when he gets up im literally fucked ive been feeling sick the past couple days from isolation or whatever & if i get called out for submitting to temptation or whatever then im definitely going to be without human contact for. way longer. i miss my friends so much its genuinely unbelievable

i feel sick to my stomach and also in my throat, i literally feel like im going to throw up, i almost did earlier. its only been like. 3 days since i spoke to my friends, but i feel so isolated that its felt . longer ig idk

[katzirra]

Waiting for the place to give me my file list from my hand drive recovery. Made an omelet with asparagus and bacon, and gave the boys a tiny bit for being good this morning and letting me sleep in past 8:06...

Hannibal woke me up with very loudly aggressively loving face rubs which is new, and has been demanding attention all morning by soft paw grabbing and holding my hand while cooking, also new. Usually he's very independent and wants nothing to do with us.

Still concerned with his audible breathing when he's SLIGHTLY distressed, for a cat with obvious anxiety, and when he's picked up or sitting/laying weird. It's very noticeable, and I'm wondering if it has to do with his nasal bridge being a tad flat.

Trying to manifest a good mood. I'm having a big existential crisis about being alive.

Which, I'll just throw that under a cut and pair it with an apology. 🤙✨

I feel like I have no purpose or meaning. Having a lot of those "why bother/what's the point" moments about a lot of things which...the depth of those feelings isn't just apathetic like most people experience? For me it's very much a red flag, so that's been fun. Usually it's doing something as simple as doing something nice for myself, thinking why bother, and having to ARGUE with myself why it matters. Like...having to validate EVERYTHING I do these days is exhausting. Honestly, it's been a low simmer scary JUST KEEP SWIMMING the last few months. But everything I feel is too much to talk to anyone about, and it doesn't HELP me to. It's me. It's my brain. It's scary and I don't like looking the beast directly in the face when people want me to open up. My demon, my problem, trust me when I say I'm trying and that I'm sincere when I say sorry I'm not all here or present.

I'm, like torn between wanting to message my friend first to talk about shit, but I'm also refusing because I was hurt and the comment about shit being too much to read just resonates in my brain yelling "you're not worth their time and effort, you dumb bitch!" because my brain has a FIELD day with that shit. Its.... Kicking a dead horse, repeating myself anyway probably. It hasn't seemed to stick after the last year of me apologizing monthly because I'm just a shit friend who is too busy working and trying to not kill myself. Suicide ideation is a thing, and it SUCKS when it's as invasive as it is for intruding thoughts. But I'll keep apologizing because I feel guilty for not being good enough. Present enough. Engaging enough. Because maybe that time it'll stick??

They'll probably be better off without me making them feel bad because I don't put in enough effort I guess? Which also just hurts because I know online I'm standoffish these days, so I put the extra effort into being a good host I thought and I hoped that mattered. I just feel like no matter what I'm doomed to disappoint them? So I don't mean they'd be better off in a dismissive way, it's a legit...way I think. Like I'm obviously causing distress, and yelling at me won't fix it because it makes me recoil emotionally. So maybe I'm just a bad friend in reality and it is what it is. I'm sorry so many people have fucked me up about inter personal relationships?? I don't know what to do this time because that stupid fight cut me very deep in core values in myself.

It...Fucked me up. And whether that's important to them or not, or whether it has an repercussive weight, whatever. We've both been hurt by people, and been there as much as we'd let eachother. I've tried to be crazy supportive in the last bout of shit they went through. Because I love a bitch, and they matter immensely to me, and I know I suffered alone through a LOT of things like that and know it sucks. I offered my home, attention and time any time I could give it.. Being told i don't give as much as them set weird on my heart in light of that. It hurt.

Idk...And maybe I'm just some dramatic bitch or whatever I guess. Doesn't matter. I matter, my feelings matter. I'm mentally ill and I fucking bust my ass to deal with it, AND be a loving and supportive fixture in people's lives. I suck, sure. But I'm ALWAYS there for people.

I mention I'm depressed or angry at life, sure, but the layers of distress aren't...on display? It's my shit to deal with, if I bring it up, it's for benefit of people knowing why I'm withdrawn usually. I don't talk about myself much anymore because everything is too much and I just start venting. And people don't care that deeply about how fucked up my head is. Or I over share too much. Or yeah, it's a lot to read and I start babbling because the cork is off and I HURT inside just being alive anymore. I don't feel like I'm living my life for me these days. I don't feel alive. I feel stagnant. I'm biding time for SOMETHING to happen??

Yet I'm constantly apologizing to people for not being able to do basic shit, that I'm upfront about being difficult for some dumb reason. I'm always having to explain myself to people. I am in this bubble so often of feeling like I was made wrong, a mistake, missing something important.

Or that I'm a bad person. I'm too open, too closed, withdrawn, outgoing - I can never seem to get the ratio right. And its the kind of discussion I feel leans into self pity and attention grabbing but it's...something I internally struggle with every week and keep to myself.

Oh Kat, get a psychiatrist - I dont know that it would help, honestly. I know 90% of my thoughts and fears are irrational, and pointless. But I know they have valid backing in trauma that I have mostly dealt with, and am unlearning. But I also know I see through people, can identify those markers, and understand outcomes way too easy and that ALSO makes people mad. So. What the fuck is a shrink gonna do for me? My depression is a background white noise to this stuff, and it's honestly just bullshit I deal with. I'm not keen on medication, I'm sure it would help quiet my brain, but I've been dealing with this shit almost 20 years now, ita just the added drama and bullshit from people that exacerbates the emotional brain rash, for lack of a better phrasing. My issues are all behavioral and some depression and anxiety in the mix that I manage.

For all I'm told people understand ahit wrong with me, it sure is something I repeatedly get bitched at over, honestly. And I partially get it, I also find it frustrating. But I've been battling depression since I was 12/13 and learning to stop thinking certain things only since 21, and that's the harder part. I'm not the person people think I am, I wish I was anymore. That bitch died in 2011/2012. That fissure in my foundation fucked me UP. The shaking I had one or two years ago, didn't help.

To be transparently honest the whole shitstorm two weeks ago really hit some raw nerves I'm trying to deal with, and not doing well. Because the more times that nerve is hit the more I don't feel like a valuable person and that I'm wasting people's time. But the reason I'm yelled at is that I am a valuable person, and they want more of my time in a way?? I don't know what people want from me.

Waves hand dismissively - they're being sweethearts by the back door for now.

I'm in a weird place emotionally and mentally. I don't feel alive. I don't feel real. I don't feel valid or... I don't know. Nothing I say or so actually matters in my own life or experiences. I can be an amazing person with communication and intention but it doesn't matter if the other person doesn't care, it's like arguing online.

You can have a valid discussion and someone can just say "you're a fucking moron, I'm not listening to this" and you can't do anything.

I just wasted two hours organizing my thoughts qnd emotions into a post that I'll delete in a week. What a great use of my time. I'm juat exhausted.

I turn 31 tomorrow and is rather be dead lmao. I'm so tired of the weight of being alive and aware of the world and people around me. About being considerate and kind to everyone and it's never god damn enough. I bleed myself dry emotionally for everyone and run my mental battery into the ground qnd it's never enough. It's never going to BE enough. I don't want mental.break downs and emotional roller-coasters. I want friends that understand I'm scatterbrained and severely damaged and abused and I'm TRYING. I'm sorry it's never good enough.

I'm so fucking tired these days. I just want to disappear. I want to have an actual breakdown and cry

I haven't actually cried in years. I.... Mm. I feel like.im a shell. I'm so tired. I'm trying AO hard to be a good person and functional and I'm just constantly having more dished and I'm just...what is my purpose qnd point these days. I can't even make people happy.

Tomorrow I'll turn 31. It'll be like any other day. 👍✨

[necropsittacus]

7 8 and 10. (WOW WHAT WILL 10S ANSWER BE. SO MYSTERIOUS)

wow emma you just sent this to give me an excuse to rant about the jedi publicly didnt you

7: who do you hope you never meet?

FUCKIN PULPATINE as much as i would like to personally break every one of his bones and kill him thats probably not a fight i would win

8: what is one thing you would change about any movie, show, book, etc? i mean apart from rewriting the prequels so my loves are happy and ok?

i get that the orbalisks are plot important but…why did they have to be fucking force crabs i dont like that what the fuck ALSO I don't like the "Sith can't be force ghosts" thing in tcw it doesn't make sense to me like...half the point of the Sith specifically is that they're using and moulding the force for their own purposes, that should like...fuck it up around them, leave some kind of an imprint, yknow?

10: do you think the jedi were right or wrong?

this is a surprise to literally no one who has had the misfortune of spending more than five minutes in my company but.very very wrong.

even setting aside the part where im gonna have serious issues with any ideology that calls anger and hatred evil (im alive out of pure spite lmao) and tells its adherents that the goal is to not have emotions or care about anyone on an individual level…theyve done some Bad Shit but it just gets excused bc theyre the Good Guys.like, fourteen year olds should not be sent into actual warfare. they kind of abduct children, and the “you NEED to start training that early” thing doesnt rly hold up if you look at the sith???? the entire existence of the citadel is Suspect to me. so is the part where they respond to any hints that the sith might still exist wirh “oh we gotta kill them” regardless of whether theyve actually…done anything?

also telling a NINE YEAR OLD CHILD WHOSE MOTHER LIVES IN SLAVERY that his fear is Evil what the fuck ik that’s just a yoda thing but

yeah i love some of rhe individual jedi a lot but i have a massive problem with the order

also that they kinda serve to prop up the republic government and established order like.im pro democracy ofc but the republic wasnt working and maybe breaking it up or starting over would have been for the best

thanks friend!!!!