#its nice that im finally in a stable point with my mental health so that i can actually connect with other people again

[sorenlionheart]

i have to admit its kinda crazy being involved in fandoms again since the last time ive really been involved in a fandom was during my steven universe days

[arsen1cs4ng0]

shout out to the chip fandom for being legit TRAUMATIZING. not even saying that as a joke or exaggeration!!! i know/know of so many good people who got their mental health totally RUINED by the awful people there. im one of them!!! its SOO much more horrible than a lot of people realize or even want to talk/think about. so many are literally scared to speak of the effect it had on them because theyre scared itll happen all over again + because it was literally just That Fucking Bad. even im not coming off anon for this. fuck that!!!

from my perspective… theres genuinely like no good people left because they all got chased off + traumatized in the process. i honestly think even the writers themselves got chased off by the toxicity. the hiatuses + *the ending in particular* just line up WAY TOO WELL with awful shit happening for that to not be the case… :/

and it sucks too because it was such a good and diverse story! it was really finally getting interesting!!! some of the plot lines before it all just stopped were legit gut wrenching (/pos!!!) + incredible to watch! the way it humanized the characters was so!!!!!! GOOD!!!!! but it’s all gone now because some people are just total fucking toxic freaks and heckled + harassed literally everyone out of the community no matter how hard it tried to keep stable…. its so depressing. it was fun while it lasted but i never want to go back + it will literally never be the same as it was a couple years ago. and at this point i think that’s a good thing

sorry for the random suuuuper long anon. i know youre a smaller account and probably dont want to talk about this kind of thing. its just been on my mind and youre one of the few people ive seen be openly critical of it all. hope u have a nice day + this finds you well at least!! :)

[ this turns into a rant in the end but its gotta be said lol ]

hi anon, thanks for the ask !! i pretty much have no choice to be open about this all because no-one else ( apart from like. 2 people ) will, i would say much more if it wasnt for my awfully limited vocabulary LOL ( and unless you wanna see a 16 year old cursing and throwing every insult in the english language at the people who hurt / manipulated my friends, well um !!! )

it just hurts seeing the fandom get worse and worse, one of my friends was literally almost driven to suicide because of the toxicity and abuse from the modern fandom, my confidence was snatched away after shit that happened in june - everything has just been SHIT !!!!

ive been actively trying to disassociate from the fandom entirely but its been extremely hard ( especially with my hyperfix on who i call ''little guy the 2st'' - the most i can do is wait for the hyperfix to pass at this point ), everytime i check in i know its just gonna be the same now: people who pretend nothing happened and attempt to cover up everything that happened before they ''''apologized'''' ( and i thought they were gonna keep the bad shit they did up for accountability !! what happened to that ????? ), people who will desparately manipulate unsuspecting people just so their wittle friend can look like the ''uwu sweet bean x3 owo angel who was definitely never ever ever transphobic in their life !!'' - you get the fucking picture at this point LOL

everything has fucking demotivated me and i wish i could fucking scream at Those people, but whats the point of doing so if they're just not gonna pull their heads out of their asses and just admit what they did instead of being like ''WAAAAAH YOURE SUCH A MEAN MEAN PERSON I DIDNT DO THAT AT ALL STOP SPREADING LIES, N-NO !!!!! ;_____;'' ?? i dont care if i get attacked by those people anymore because its only gonna prove my point on how fucking toxic they are i feel so bad for unsuspecting people who dont know how bad the fandom really is and what they'll end up diving into like i did, like my ex-friend did too

again, thanks for the ask anon and im so so so sorry you had to witness this all :[

[askthesnake]

Hey everyone.

Just wanted to check in off the blog storyline and make sure everyone is ok and doing well. I know that life is kind of weird right now and maybe even a little scary, so I wanted to take this opportunity to let everyone know that we're in this together and that you're not alone in this pandemic. I don't know how its affecting you or your friends or you family, but personally this has been a very stressful period for myself, but I firmly believe that we can get through this together.

As in introvert, I love solitude. However, this Social Distancing is really giving my mental health a good once over. Maybe its the silence. Maybe its the fact that I've been sleeping all day and staying awake all night. Maybe it's the fact that I live in Oakland and for the first time in months, all I've heard is the eerie silence of fear clearing my new home. The world has suddenly and abruptly gone silent and myself and others are not sure how to handle that.

For students being forced to move from their dorms and be put potentially into harmful environments; you're in my prayers and we're in this together. Today I got an email from my college -politely- telling me to leave. If I go home, I'll be stuck in my toxic home again but this time without a bedroom to shelter myself in. If you're going through something similar, please remember that there are people who do love you and who will support you no matter what.

For highschool Seniors who's graduation has been cancelled due to the Corona Virus; I cannot imagine the sheer disappointment and heartache you must be feeling right now. To work so hard for so long only to have your big day stolen without a moments glance must be devastating. Please understand that your efforts weren't for nothing. You're gonna leave high school and enter adulthood a strong, independent person and you're going to grow beyond this disappointing moment in your life. Just remember life doesn't end when high school does. That's when life is just beginning.

To the medical students, healthcare providers, grocery store employees, and any other public service provider; Thank you for literally being the backbone of this country right now. We wouldn't be surviving without your brave efforts.

Above all else, do NOT let this pandemic be a stagefront for Xenophobia and Racism. We're in 2020. We should know better by now than to point the blame on people and start villainizing a group of people when the world is in panic. The best thing we can do is stick together (at a safe distance). If I catch you being a dickhead to people about this I will throw hands on sight on God.

Please remember to KEEP. WASHING. YOUR. HANDS. It's just 20 seconds. Get some warm water. Some nice soap. Lather those fingies up. Clean off the sins of the day. Boom. Guess who's doing their part to make the world a better place? You are :D

Finally, getting back to blog specifics, in the event that I am forced to move back home, I'm not sure when or how consistent I'll be able to update this blog. Im not saying I'll go into a hiatus, im just saying that I don't live in a stable environment, and I can guarantee if my family found out I ran an askblog for an openly gay metaphysical personification of lying that was half snake, probably due to biblical influence, let's just say they wouldn't take it well. More to be discussed on this matter later.

In the meanwhile, if you're scared or alone and need someone to talk too amidst the social distancing or maybe you're just anxious and need to vent, please remember my inbox and my direct messages are always open on this blog as well as @devil-towne (my personal blog).

We're in this together. We'll overcome this. We'll move on from this.

Please take care of yourselves, everyone.

-Thayer

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 19

it’s 2021 now!! time for more transformers 

we start off w/a flashback showing tyrest retrieving ultra magnus’s body from the ship - and we get a look at magnus’s spark, which is the green color of a 0.1%er [eyes emoji]

tyrest punching magnus..... grrrrr leave my dad alone bastard man

‘the divided self’ what a good title 

rodimus is like listen man this is a lot for my poor thot brain to take in

in flashback land, we see tyrest immediately launch into a crazy person spiel about how he can and will edit the law as he sees fit to conform to the situation, because that doesn't seem like a blatant abuse of power or a huge conflict of interest or anything 

oooh the screen in the corner that says ‘thought warfare,’ I see that

oof, poor magnus. its gotta be rough to hear your boss rant about how bad at your job you are....especially bc this is right after overlord called magnus a joke and nearly killed him

its especially brutal bc as magnus says, his job is his life 

augh, I love the panel where the armor is falling off around minimus, and then the one where he’s holding the ultra magnus head...poetic 

its fascinating that there was an ‘original’ magnus who was an actual guy, and then tyrest chose to make him into this legacy symbol - I'm assuming the OG magnus had no say in this, and probably didn't even know that he was gonna become this lawman legacy figure

I do wanna know though - obviously everyone thought that ultra magnus was one dude, but how did the different guys wearing the armor deal w/that? like, did minimus have people coming up to him like ‘hey ultra magnus old buddy! remember when we fought those guys in that one place? good times!’ like, do they have to study up on the lives of the past armor wearers to prepare for the role of ultra magnus?

augh poor minimus, of course he’s been wondering about what happened with overlord after he was KO’d

oof, drift...I feel like minimus looks surprised and a little skeptical at the idea that drift was the one behind the entire overlord thing - which is interesting bc as we saw at the beginning of the story, he doesn't exactly trust drift, but it’s still pretty far-fetched that one person orchestrated the entire thing

tailgate :(

the concept of a load-bearer is SUPER cool, I love it so much

it also puts a much-needed limit on things - as in, there IS a limit to how much weight/mass a normal cybertronian frame can carry, which is why you don't see everybody upgrading to be Massive - bc they actually CANT

oof, the worst part is that tyrest is RIGHT, minimus essentially DID have a nervous breakdown after the war ended bc of the rigid way he views the world

mental health support is clearly in shambles for cybertronians, yikes. they literally have 1 therapist for their entire race, and he’s not even licensed anymore due to hipaa violations. what a mess

the ‘attention deflectors’ thing is so cool and clever and also a great explanation as to why ratchet or anyone else never said ‘hey wait a minute, you're actually a much smaller dude in a trench coat’ 

I love tailgate knowing all the stuff about the autobot code bc of magnus...my BOY

and THATS why minimus was asking about skids specifically earlier!

oh minimus, please don't put so much stock in tyrest being stable and resonable...

aaaand there's skids and swerve! brainstorm says it best - ‘because something unexpected hasn't happened for at least nine seconds.’ lmao ily brainstorm 

finally checking in w/whirl and cyclonus - god I love that. whirl asking cyclonus how many cons he killed and cyc is like psh I wasn't keeping count....................ok it was six

hhhhh cyclonus IS looking for a cure for tailgate, even though he told tg that there wasn’t anything to hope for....excuse me as I go be emo 

and now we flash over to the unethical medical conduct hell zone, where pharma is being weird and horny and ratchet is appropriately horrified 

I seriously love how unhinged pharma looks, the art & colors do such a good job conveying his feral energy 

ratchet has some massive dick energy for taunting pharma when he’s currently just a head and pharma has dual chainsaws for hands 

ugh, I love whirls speech about anger...and I feel like he really does see cyclonus as a peer, despite cyclonus wanting to kill him, which is why he tells cyclonus all of this 

I fuckgin love that cyclonus’s reaction to very suddenly getting stabbed thru the abdomen is to just glance down at the sword, looking mildly inconvenienced 

back over to ratchet - and at first its like oh wow I can’t believe pharma was stupid enough to let ratchet goad him into this contest....but then you see first aid and ambulon and its like UH OH this is gonna be BAD

the idea that getting sliced in half is no big deal for a cybertronian is wild

‘you're gonna let doctor djd cut us in half?’ yeahhhh that's an appropriate reaction, yikes

FUCKING LENGTHWAYS GOD

pharma you piece of shit

poor ambulon :( :( :( that's fucking brutal. amazing panel but....jesus

and like, to further my point from last issue’s liveblog - the fact that this very gore-y panel is okay, but swearing isn't...that's really funny honestly. I guess robo-gore is acceptable, while I'm guessing regular ole run of the mill human gore wouldn't be

then back to cyclonus, who is still looking only vaguely put out by the sword stuck right thru him

and then cyclonus just pulls it right out, which is a very bad idea for humans but probably not as big of a deal for big near-immortal alien robots

circle of light stuck in capitalistic urban hellscape cubicals 

poor skids, being asked to stand trial while having no idea what his crime is due to Big Amnesia 

OH SHITTTT I totally forgot that getaway shows up here

that is super clever though, with chromedome confusing the name ‘getaway’ with the concept ‘needing to escape’

cant believe tyrest is really dumb enough to tell minimus all his evil plans

BUT that means its time for some very important forged vs constructed cold lore

jro spelling ‘program’ as ‘programme’ made me remember when he said that he considers everyone on the lost light to be british, which is perhaps the least valid thing he’s ever said vhbghjsdbfjkhasbjk

the idea that they used the matrix - which is portrayed as kind of a holy object - in reproductive experiments is really interesting

AUGHHHHH this is all so good and interesting...im really fascinated w/this particular brand of like, alien robot racism/constructism/whatever you wanna call it - I feel like it does such a good job as a plot device, where many other ‘fantasy racism’ concepts from other franchises fail, bc there's not really a ‘human metaphor’ being used here (as far as I know/can tell) - as in, this isn't a thinly veiled metaphor for something that happened/could happen in human history

in fact, this type of bigotry (or w/e you wanna call it) isn't something that is even really possible in humans - I guess if there was a stigma against being born via ivf or something...? but there isn't, so there's no obvious real-world equivalent, which I take as a sign of good writing and worldbuilding - it makes the cybertronians feel more Real, bc of course they would have their own types of bigotry based off of completely different things than humans 

additionally - and this is crucial - tyrest is wrong: there’s no like, inherent moral corruption in cold constructed bots. there's no difference at all, other than method of construction. fantasy racism plotlines often flounder here, with the oppressors having a ‘valid reason’ for oppressing the oppressed, but tyrest is just operated on religious zealot bs and some biased science

like, dude, did you ever think that maybe there are other reasons why your trials only condemned cold constructed bots? like, maybe the trial itself was biased? or societal conditions were to blame? correlation is not causation, my dude, especially when the conclusion is ‘cold constructed bots are inherently SINNERS’ lmao 

like, tyrest rlly said ‘FUCK separation of church and state,’ huh

anyways I just think the whole cold construction vs forged thing is really interesting and well-done, and serves as a good precursor to the more fleshed-out functionism stuff we see later 

so tyrest is clearly off his rockers w/the whole drilling thing - dude, you accidentally gave yourself a lobotomy, okay - but I find it kinda funny that he’s right about a lot of that stuff he said at the end, about primus and the guiding hand and stuff being real 

cyclonus saying ‘tailgate and the others’...I see you, man, I see you

also cyclonus looks fine now??? didn't he just get stabbed??? 

ah, tyrest sprinkling a little light genocide onto his plan to find salvation. nice, dude!

MINIMUS NOOOOOOOOO

‘fully deserved’ SHUT UP BIIIIITCH

poor minimus is taking a lot of Ls this arc, geez

oof, great issue! again, as usual....I loved the lore we got this issue, its so interesting...and some good character stuff too. I love minimus, I feel like he’s gonna be my fav this readthru; my first read my fav was brainstorm, second readthru was whirl, and I feel like its minimus/magnus this time. I just love his character arc...

hype af for more B) 

[poetic-beats]

Update:

I am now having to compile a list of evidence and issues to give to PALS so they can do an independent investigation of my issues about my treatment by the psychiatrists lodge.  I have now seen both psychiatrists who now work there. And had the manager who I still have not been told if he is even a qualified mental health professional or just a managerial role person because he seemed to judge me based on my diagnosis and without reading any of the reports on me or talking to me or bringing me in for assessment again after crisis team referral he seemed to know exactly who i am what my issues are and what i need.

Like no. He also was doing this illegally as when crisis team refers me back to them I LEGALLY get an appointment and reassessment of my needs..

They cant just assume and tell me this is what I am entitled to before i have been assessed.

This psychiatrist I saw yesterday was all about heres your meds now fuck off. He seemed to listen better to my mum at least. However he was not that welcoming and he also got caught in a lie. He kept saying the same rhetoric as the manager that the GP letter I REQUEST to see under the freedom of information of my personal records blah blah act is supposedly my care plan i questioned this then he says oh well DBT and psychologist care is when you get a full care plan I said I DID do DBT i was on the course for some time before i had to quit.

I never was told about a care plan.

Then i say btw right behind you on the wall is a new NHS board outlining specifically care plans and my entitlement to them ITS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

I already know the law and NICE and NHS guidelines and rulings but in case I didnt its literally there in the waiting room we are in behind you.

He then admits finally that I AM NOT in fact receiving a care plan as that is only for certain people they have a limited number of people who are eligible to receive that even though the NHS and ELFT who covers and runs the care for my area his bosses way up basically above manager of meadow lodge have clearly outlined with NHS and NICE guidelines a care plan isnt something you are assessed to receive It is something I should just have...the bloody board behind him my dad took a pic of It had like a thing where it said you say this ‘ xyz’ and then on the other side it had what this means and what the care provider is expected to do in response and it outlines a care plan what it is and what you receive and how it works.

So its like well that makes no mention of you deciding who gets a care plan rather I should have one and in case I dont i should just have to say and ask what the board suggests to ask and you should respond according to the NHS with a care plan discussed with ME and that WE both decide upon crisis plan of action long and short term goals for my recovery and progress and discuss an integrative approach with a FULL CMHT...something yet again they should be offering but dont. As the manager put it im not in crisis enough to warrant this care that is meant to be pretty standard care not for specially in crisis people. And as for crisis well im not sure how much worse i needed to get. other than my GP almost calling an ambulance on me but instead getting me a same day referral to a crisis team who spoke to me til gone 8pm that night until i was stable enough to leave and go home and in the mean time they’d handle a referral back to meadow lodge in which i was told the appointment system should run smooth instead my parents fought tooth and nail to not just get an appointment in which the manager told me exactly what i would be offered before i’d even been for assessment but he had to fight for a fair assessment one which follows NICE guidelines and standard code of practice for re referrals which basically means i should be reassessed as if i am a new patient in the fact that my needs may have changed or new problems have clearly arisen if ive been referred from crisis team. 

So I have now exhausted every option I also found out by chance the builder/labourer my dad employs rn also has bipolar and has also had the exact same issue i had with the exact same lady psychiatrist after being transferred to her care when our old psych retired. Only he had a breakdown in their reception she did nothing made him leave and then he was hospitalised only when he saw crisis team I saw he wasnt willing to give them another chance so refused treatment there and went through the slightly longer process of being referred else where although to be honest the process isnt longer because meadow lodge dont follow guidelines and rather than immediately seeing me as early as possibly my parents had to phone up to remind them and bug them to even read over the crisis teams referal to them.

Even though a crisis team referral is equivalent to someone being rushed to A&E you are the priority patient over others not in A&E therefore i shouldnt have had to get my parents to chase them up for an appointment and then fight for a fair assessment. Which tbh i half got and half didnt.

This is v. frustrating but hey at least i now know of 3 other people who were under my old psychs care when he retired were put under the lady psychiatrists care and we have all had issues we have all been discharged around the same time after being transferred to her care. And me and the builder at least that i know of have ended up in crisis teams care for a period of time.

So basically we now have 3 known incidents of this psychiatrist discharging people who have ended up in crisis because of it shortly after discharge showing clearly we werent meant to be discharged nor ready to be and another lady who complained on the NHS site about her and the lodge as a whole since my old psych who ran it retired. SHe had similar complaints i did about treatment and as for the builder my dad works with and employs well she told him hes far too young to have bipolar and have these issues in his life and discharged him saying he has to take care of himself and take self responsibility.

So at this point if i go to PALS with facts about discharging patients before they were safe to be discharged and say well just look i know of me and one other person whose ended back up in severe crisis care shortly after her discharging us this is not a coincidence and there is a third who has also been discharged and complained oh and two years earlier there is another complaint about her also saying to a guy for an assessment with her that he needs to care for himself gave him adhd meds and discharged him on the initial meeting back to GP care.  And told him he had to basically buck up and get a job as its what normal people do or everyone has to do even thoguh he said he needed help and treatment so he could function to work. Again it seems to be a pattern that she tells people they have to care for themselves without giving us the toools to learn to self cope and self care. 

she is rude. not compassionate. cares more about stigmatising us and accusing us and having very odd beliefs for a psychiatrist given studies have always shown disorders like bipolar type 2 and rapid cycling itself is almost wholly found in those who develop bipolar disorder at young adolescence...so its a whole thing based around developing it young. And here she is telling the builder we know hes too young to have bipolar and problems. 

as if she knows his life she basically dismissed his diagnosis tbh...because of his age...even though hes in his 20s mid 20s and its not uncommon for bipolar to take hold in adolescence mine appeared when i was 17/18 so clearly someone in there 20s is not too young to have such a disorder she would know this as she would have studied more in depth than i did the disorder and the studies and science on it. 

I am SO mad. i wasted my time yesterday and caused my mental health to be put under immense strain because of how i was treated YET AGAIN by professionals whose duty is to care for me. Now i am back at square one and left having to go through getting a MHA to help me with the PALS complaint process.

[perdizzion]

I just happen to stumbled upon ur account and saw that you'll be quitting med school. I have a dilemma that I want to share with someone. Im a newly enrolled first yr med student and classes just started a week before. But I'm starting to form some doubts whether I really want to be a doctor or not. Its not that I cant handle the academics its just that do i really see myself being a doctor in the future and actually feel happy about it.

I dont even know if being a doctor is my dream anymore or just my parent’s.

Hiya! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I don’t know if my answer will help you or not, but I will try to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to reply!!

Ok so. Med school. Tricky stuff. I’ll tell you a little bit about my background and what I’m up to right now to give you a Good Feel about how things are going after the decision I’ve taken and whatnot.

I got into med school about 4 and a half years ago, and like any student who worked their asses off for their desired universities’ entrance exams, I was beyond ecstatic when I found out that I had gotten in. I started attending lectures, group discussions, student projects, and for the first few years, I felt like hey, I think I can actually do this! The exams were pretty tough, I can’t say I liked pharmacology and neurology, but I passed just fine and so I thought that things were going to be fine.

[Narrator voice] things were, in fact, not fine.

I started having doubts around..3rd year, I think? Everything just started to become so dull no matter how much free time I was using to do my hobbies (drawing and doing art in general) and I think that was when my depression started to really rear its ugly head. I started to miss classes, isolate myself from my friends, stay in bed all day, and the only people that had kept me sane were my family and a few close friends of mine telling me to take care of myself when I was too depressed to do so. I tried thinking about whether I’ll be happy being a doctor in the future, and then I noticed that I couldn’t even imagine myself in a white coat, working in a clinic and talking to a patient.

This is when I finally realized that all this time, my wanting to go to med school wasn’t even because it was my dream. It was my parents’.

I struggled a lot to get through some of the days, but I managed to keep up the facade in front of my uni friends until I finished 4th year and received a “degree”. (In Indonesia, finishing 4th year of med school grants you a “bachelor of medicine” though you can’t really use it for anything yet until you’ve finished 2 more years of clerkship and get a “dr” in front of your name).

Clerkship happened after 4th year. If I had to use one word to describe clerkship, it would be hellish. I don’t know if this is how it works in every country, but in Indonesia, clerkship demands med students to attend hospital shifts with inhuman amount of working hours. We had to do 36 hour shifts every twice a week, and 9 hour shifts every other day. This might sound pretty light to some people, but it was super tough for me what with the amount of additional assignments and exams that we still had to do during our rotations. 

After 2 months of clerkship, my depression grew so much worse to the point where my best friend (bless her heart) had to call me almost everyday to help me sleep at night because the thoughts in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, I called my sister who lives in a different city to fly to where I was living in to take me to see a psychiatrist. It didn’t help because my doctor was super shitty about my condition (“all med students experience depression at one point because med school is just that hard, don’t worry, I’ve been there”) but I did take the meds. And I was planning to carry on with clerkship, until one day the meds gave me orthostatic hypotension (it was one of the side effects of the drug that I was taking) and I fainted in the middle of a surgery. When my mom (who lives in another city) found out about this, she was livid. She flew to my place right on that exact same day to take care of me, though she hadn’t known about my depression yet at the time.

The next day, I told her everything. Like, everything. About how med school had truly been stressing me out, about how I didn’t feel like med school was the right place for me anymore, about how clerkship had been making me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit because the doctors kept yelling at me, about how clerkship had also been making me realize that I wasn’t good with patients and that their lives are literally in my hands and that a single mistake could lead to their death and how I could never live with that much guilt in my life, about how I was so tired of being too sleep-deprived to properly function everyday, let alone to stitch a patient’s cut-up hand back together.

I told her that I wanted to quit. And so I did.

And you know what? It feels amazing.

I’ve been sleeping regularly for the past few months. I get to draw everyday now, and still make money out of doing commissions. I interact with my family a lot more and I don’t check up on them only when I need them to transfer me some money to buy food. I eat three meals a day like a normal human being and it feels so, so good. I applied for a scholarship so I could earn a Master’s degree in biomedicine abroad (it’s not art school, which is where I actually want to go to, but it’s not med school either so I’ll take it), I passed the first stage and now I’m just trying to do my best to pass the next two stages so I could get a full-ride. 

Things are okay. Things are good.

Things haven’t always been good, of course. People tell me that I was “so close to reaching my dreams!”, that my parents “must be so shattered to hear that you wanted to quit!”, that I am just “wasting away my potential.” My grandparents called me a disappointment a few weeks ago while telling me that I should just give up on my scholarship application and go back to med school. My dad told me that he wished I could “go back to the way I was and be happy again.” My mom cried multiple times. It hasn’t been easy on my mental health, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck every single guilt-trip that my parents have had to put me through. Fuck everyone at uni who’s been spreading false rumors about how I quit med school because “I got cancer” or “I got knocked up.”

I absolutely hated how the doctors did anything back in the hospital. The rich patients got immediate treatment, and the poor got dismissed. The mentally ill were mocked behind closed doors, and med students were treated like trash. Rooted seniority where the senior doctors hazed junior doctors were still a thing (in Indonesia, at least). Literally everyone in the hospital had a superiority complex and I fucking hated it. Neither my parents nor my grandparents will have to be the ones to experience this on a daily basis for years though, so fuck outta here with your negative comments about my decision.

I quit med school because I did it for me, and only me.

This is by no means supposed to scare you away from med school just so you could jump into my bandwagon, heck no. I’m telling you this because nobody told me that this could be a possibility. Everybody I knew kept telling me that the only thing you’ll need to succeed med school is firm determination and hard work, and while that may be true for some people, I required a lot more than that, like a stable mental health, a good support system, etc. I failed to meet these requirements, and so everything turned into a shipwreck for me. My other friends, however, who were well-prepared with all of these, are managing to continue med school just fine.

That being said, this answer is definitely supposed to make you think about your decision more thoroughly. One of the most often things that people tell me post-med school is that “you should’ve quit earlier if you hadn’t liked it; it would’ve saved you a lot of time.” I hate the fact that I agree with this. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve still had time to search for a school that was more relevant to my interests and start over from a blank slate. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve been able to graduate from a new school and earn an actual proper job by now so I could help my parents out with our finance. Of course, my parents would’ve been way more harsh on me if I had told them that I wanted to quit so early on, but if you own the privilege of having parents that would genuinely and willingly listen to you, please talk about it with them. I had a friend who quit med school around a few months before 1st year ended; he’s in business school now and from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with where he is right now.

Whew, that was long. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be this long!! Let me know if any of that helped or if you just want to talk off anon with me in general! I know firsthand how this kind of dilemma can eat you up whole, and it’s not a fun experience, so just hmu if you want to chat

Have a nice day!!

[virginia-werewoolf]

hi

I feel like I haven’t just sat down with my laptop and ranted on here in so long

if I ever post art my feelings it’s usually in the form of some poetic one liner that doesn’t really have the same feeling of release as just putting into words this stream of consciousness always inside my head

life’s been so crazy lately

school’s going well. I haven’t felt like I was doing well in school this consistently since middle school. I don’t really have much work to do for the rest of the school year - just one more unit of government compared to the 5 I’ve done already this year. but somehow this last unit feels like so much more of a burden than the first 5. I know it’s probably just senioritis and everyone feels this way at this point in the year but I just wish it didn’t. I wish I was able to enjoy these last 12 weeks I have of school before I graduate because I know ill miss these hallways and these people once I do. maybe after I finish this unit. I wish I could just sit myself down and do all of the notes for it in a few days like I did last year - and maybe ill try to. but it exhausts me just to think about it. I know that if anything, life will be a breeze once ap testing is over with. and thats 8 (7 because of spring break) from now. which sounds like so little and so much at the same time

also: Im finally making some money for the first time in a few months. its not a whole lot because I save half of my paycheck so that I can get a car this summer but its something. before that, all my money was just given to people I owed it to so that definitely makes me feel more stable and independent and just happy

driving on the other hand hasn’t gotten very far

I got my permit on New Years eve and haven’t driven since that day I got it lol

I know thats just because my main focus has been scholarship applications recently but I really am going to start doing that more often. shooting for like 2x a week????

scholarship app wise, I turned in my last one this last Friday. I recently found out that unlv is offering me like 5k a yr + both fafsa & the millennium give me 2k a yr so thats already basically all of my tuition. I know its probably wise of me to keep applying to more just so I can rest assured that I’ll have more than enough but it just felt like such a weight was lifted off of my shoulders when I found out that unlv was giving me that much - like I didn’t realize how much those constant scholarship apps were truly affecting me until that moment when for the first time in this whole process my parents were congratulating me and my sister was like “see, I told you you’d be ok” and now I can’t even imagine going back to what I was doing then. I’d be miserable and obviously my mental health is already not at its best and its probably largely because of that stress I imposed on myself through this whole process

so I guess now all I really have to focus on is government and getting my license

and putting it so simply like that feels so nice

I just need to breath 

soon it will be may. ap testing will be over. ill be enjoying my last 4 weeks of high school without the stress of homework 

and then June 10th will roll around and ill be graduated

and I will cry and I will laugh

and I will be ok