#its my mental disorder and i will project during a time of turmoil

[raditzgarden]

quick screen redraw/study ft shin (og under cut)

bro gets so much flack for being dealt rigged hands

also yeah personal headcanon he has PTSD due to the events of Majin Buu and whatnot; he basically masked/distracted himself from it the entire time. poor guy barely even gets a chance to process it after de-fusing before everyone's pissed off at him n the rest bc of a carrot man who just wanted to fight a tourney

[thegharibian]

The politics of the personal: January 25 through the lens of depression

“It’s like you died, and God said ‘I will show you heaven’ and then as soon as you put one foot in, he grabs you by the scruff of your neck and takes you to hell. We really saw heaven during the 18 days, and then we went to a terrible reality, worse than where we were before.”

Omar, a leftist involved in politics for nine years and who was dealing with depression, anxiety and hypochondria for about a year and half before the 2011 revolution, was in Tahrir during the 18 days.

He found out about Hosni Mubarak stepping down a couple of hours beforehand and called his therapist asking if it was possible to die from too much happiness.

The enthusiasm stayed for a while after the revolution but with waves of violence, this “broke.”

“Maspero, with army APCS running people over, broke the state of euphoria and feeling of strength and freedom,” Omar recalls. “And then with Mohamed Mahmoud — and the scene of throwing dead bodies into the rubbish — and then the Cabinet clashes.”

In December 2011, there was something else that was “fatal” for Omar. A woman was beaten and her chest stomped on by soldiers during the Cabinet clashes, revealing her blue underwear beneath her abaya. Here what broke him was less the incident than the social reaction: instead of condemning the perpetrators, the more common refrain was, “what made her go there” and of course a fascination with the woman’s blue bra.

For Omar, this was so devastating because of the hopes the “ethics of the square” had given him.

When he feels broken like this, it “adds to the depression which triggers the anxiety which triggers the hypochondria which triggers the depression which triggers the anxiety, so it’s a closed circle, and it goes on and on and I enter into a spiral.”

In the summer of 2013, those around him in activist revolutionary circles starting using the word “depressed” to describe their state of mind.

The revolutionary slogan “despair is betrayal” (al-ya’s khiyana) had been hard to uphold at different times under the Supreme Council of the Armed Forces and then the Muslim Brotherhood. But it essentially disappeared in 2013, more precisely after the dispersal of Rabea al-Adaweya Muslim Brotherhood sit-in in August 2013, in which over a thousand people were killed.

The notion of “political depression” — developed by the Public Feelings Project, associated with a group of feminist academics at the University of Texas exploring the role of feelings in public life — may be appropriate to describe this collective downer.

In her book, Depression: A Public Feeling, Ann Cvetkovich links political depression with political failure — those “moments of political crisis when organizations fail or collective goals are in doubt and ‘what is to be done?’ becomes an expression of futility rather than a call to arms.”

Dina Makram Ebeid, an anthropologist who has been researching the place of emotions in public life, suggests that the magnitude of Rabea enabled it to act as a kind of trigger.

“Because of its enormity, it breaks the sense of space, the sense of time,” she says. “There is a sense of rupture that enables bigger things to be expressed. Rabea became a way for people to express other forms of frustration and losses that were never big enough to interrupt time.”

Rabea interrupted time not only in the sense of its enormity but also quite literally. In the following weeks, there was a curfew at night and people were stuck at home — in the midst of political confusion, people also became literally stuck.

This narrowing of the political space continued apace and accelerated as street politics — a key center of gravity in Egypt’s political sphere in the first two years after January 25 — was displaced with a draconian protest law and mass arrests of protesters. The Muslim Brotherhood, an organization with a huge following, was outlawed and scores of members arrested.

Civil society was at the forefront of the confrontation with the current authorities over the past year, with the reopening in 2016 of a case against a number of NGOs and human rights defenders. The case so far has seen the imposition of travel bans and asset freezes, as well as the interrogation of NGO staff, some of whom face charges that carry life sentences. The screw was further tightened with the drafting of a new NGO law late in the year that threatens the work of all civil society organizations, whether political or more charitable or arts-based.

Courtesy: Salam Yousry

When political and personal depression meet In 2013, Omar was working abroad in a good and stable job, coming back and forth to Cairo, but with the Rabea dispersal, he was destabilized.

“From August 13, 2013 until January 21, 2014, I was taking huge amounts of medication — anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, things to help me sleep — and even then was sleeping maximum a couple of hours.”

In the past few years, Omar has had some paranoia, which he didn’t before. “I think someone is following me, that my phone is tapped, that kind of thing.”

Ghada, who has suffered from chronic depression for several years, echoes some of these sentiments, reflecting on how the surrounding state of precarity has easily affected those politically engaged, but also with a history of depression.

“2016 has been the year of fear for me. I experienced fear in a way that I haven’t before. When fear meets depression, it becomes very crippling.”

She recounts how when the door knocks after 8 pm, fearing the police, she hides quietly in her room. She also expresses fear about getting on anti-depressants as she worries about coming to rely on them and then being imprisoned.

Ghada speaks about two dimensions in the current political sphere that affect her depression.

One is related to a struggle to feel alive after the revolution. Ghada has long linked her depression to political boredom, in the sense that the pits of otherwise constant chronic depression can be triggered by anti-climactic moments in politics.

“The revolution was a fissure in political boredom, of dealing with the same things for a long time, as a journalist, as an activist, as a human rights defender. The 18 days broke that cycle of boredom in a very spectacular way. And suddenly, you are experiencing things you have never experienced before,” she says. “That’s one of the problems of the revolution: nothing can match that level of excitement. You’re constantly looking for something that matches this moment and nothing can. It’s bound to be disappointing.”

Speaking about her current state, she says, “Nothing inspires you, nothing speaks to your spirit, nothing sort of pierces through your chest and your mind and makes you feel alive. You’re alive in a very mechanical way.”

The other way in which Ghada’s political involvement and mental health have interacted, is having to constantly work through external crisis that is bound to delay the internal one — she spent much of the past five years visiting friends in prison, going to court hearings, dealing with their families or awaiting anxiously for others’ imprisonment. “I think that’s why I feel there is an acceleration of my symptoms of depression. I have always felt it is not a priority. There are more urgent things. My personal state always became the casualty.”

For Sara, diagnosed a year and a half after the revolution with bipolar disorder, a condition characterized by periods of depression and of elevated mood, the moment of Rabea interacted with her internal state in a toxic way.

“I was a bit manic during 2013, in a high elevated mood, and then with Rabea unhappiness and feelings of anger met with this mood, and it developed into a very traumatic psychosis, very much drawing its content from what happened at Rabea.”

Reflecting on the ruptures she has experienced in her own mental health, Sara suggests all major events whether personal or political can be a trigger of sorts.

“And with the intensity of the past few years, something big is happening in the external world and at the same time, the internal world is also changing,” she says.

As such, Sara thinks that the past five years activated dormant mental health issues among those prone to them.

Mental health and politics In general after revolutions, wars, civil wars and other kinds of political turmoil, rates of mental health problems increase, particularly anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. But psychiatrist Mostafa Hussein cautions that in Egypt, evidence is anecdotal as the last epidemiological study was published before 2011.

At the same time, however, over this period there has been a decrease in the availability of services, Hussein points out, as well as shortages of basic drugs that many people suffering from mental health conditions rely on.

For some people, Hussein says, the revolution and turmoil uncovered mental illness, which they had been functioning with, and sometimes alongside a traumatic experience, their ability to function was disrupted.

Hussein doesn’t think it’s too early to consider the impact of the upheaval of the past few years in terms of mental health, “but we have to acknowledge there are short-term, medium-term and long-term effects.”

His patients include people who have a family member in prison, for example. “And we know theoretically that paternal deprivation at an early age is one of the risk factors for developing mental health problems such as addictions.”

Hussein also points to increasing poverty, which has long-term impact on mental health. A report released by the state statistics agency CAPMAS in 2016 acknowledged increasing poverty and widening inequality, suggesting that price and tax hikes have disproportionately affected the poor.

Times of political upheaval provide a way into looking at the sociality of mental and emotional disturbance.

In Argentina, during military rule, the main association for psychotherapists was seared by deep conflict on the question of the politics of mental health, significant in Buenos Aires where there is one of the highest ratios of therapists to population in the world. Described in Avery Gordon’s Ghostly Matters, a latent disagreement about the relationship between the individual psyche and the social world broke into open conflict in the context of state terror and widespread disappearances. The leftist therapists had theoretical concerns (such as did it make sense to talk about repressed trauma in terms of childhood and the family when the state is a primary agent in repressed trauma), as well as practical concerns (such as how could free association, the technique of unstructured talk, occur on the therapist’s couch in a society in which free association was not possible).

But the exceptional moment in which we see the social nature of these individual experiences is also a gateway into seeing how the sociality of mental health is inherent in the everyday not just moments of crisis. These therapists were arguing that mental health is always political and social.

For Makram Ebeid, Cvetkovich’s work is useful because it “brings the social and political into the picture but doesn’t also say ‘this is the thing.’ We don’t want to replace medical discourses of depression with discourses that say it is just capitalism or just colonialism or whatever.”

“As Cvetkovich writes in her book, saying that it is capitalism, racism or sexism doesn’t help me get out of bed in the morning,” Makram Ebeid elaborates.

Psychiatrist Hussein warns against confusing being depressed about the political situation with suffering from depression or higher drug use with higher addiction rates.

There is a sense in which though there appears to be a greater acceptance of mental health concepts and greater understanding reflected in the increase of this language, that with these confusions mental health can actually become less visible.

For Omar, that those around him have increasingly used the word depressed to describe their states of mind and feeling since 2013 has made the meaning of depression more hidden.

“If we say this is depression that you can’t be happy, what about the person who can’t feel happy but also doesn’t sleep or sleeps 20 hours a day and is constantly smoking and drinking and can’t talk to anyone, scared to see people, not working, not talking on the phone and so on? What’s that called then?”

Courtesy: Salam Yousry

He is concerned that if we keep on using a term it will lose its meaning, but this is not to say that he doesn’t see a real state of collective sadness that exists among his comrades.

He takes a term from mental health to describe it, anahedonia: the inability to experience pleasure. “This inability to feel pleasure is a part of depression but can exist alone,” Omar says. “It exists now in a general sense — it’s not a condition, it’s a symptom.”

In Sara’s estimation, depression is being used as a metaphor for a loss of hope, in ways that aren’t always helpful. “The depression of the disordered does not correlate to the event. It will stay for life, it has its own rhythm.”

Unsettling hope and despair as opposites Hope and despair also have a rhythm a bit more complicated than that suggested by the notion that hope gave way to hopelessness and despair. This has implications not only for activists dealing with their own feelings, but also in terms of how we understand politics.

There is an obvious linearity in the narrative that January 25 was a time of hope, elation and euphoria and then came the despair with a falling and loss of hope, and as Makram Ebeid points out, “nothing, let alone social movements, which come in waves, are ever that linear.”

Makram Ebeid points to how “the ‘despair is betrayal’ slogan and ‘we are depressed’ mantra are both domineering discourses.”

“With the idea of despair as betrayal, there was a sense that if you want to be part of this group, this is the range of feelings that you are allowed to have. And if you have others you are excluded on some level. Just as now it wouldn’t be acceptable to go on Facebook to say how much you love your life. Maybe some people are happy, and embarrassed to say they are happy.”

Among those who experienced 2013 as a devastating political defeat, “There is this we’re only depressed because of everything that is happening around us. It is good there is a venue for talking about other feelings, but it also stifles the sense of saying, even when we are winning I am actually also not feeling well.”

As part of the informal research she has been doing, Makram Ebeid has been exploring what she calls “mental health trajectories.” One of the emotions that emerges strongly in the first couple of years after January 25, and complicating the simple narrative about progression of emotions, is the fear of not being enough of a hero. “For those people who already struggle with a feeling of not being enough, this was rampant.”

It is important not to create new hegemonic discourses of feeling or to label certain emotions as more revolutionary than others.

The left internationally has long insisted on a politics of hope as the only transformative politics. Part of the work of the Public Feelings Project has been an increasing questioning of this classic association between hope and revolution among some academics, exploring for example how there is not only governance by fear but by hope. One of Cvetkovich’s key contentions in her book is that good politics doesn’t only come from “good” feelings but may also emerge from “bad” feelings.

Mai Khamissi has researched how trade unionists who helped oust former President Hosni Mubarak allied with current President Abdel Fatah al-Sisi, signing a deal that put on hold their right to organize, believing the rhetoric that strikes and protests are both against their interests and those of Egypt. Previously hailed as a revolutionary force in 2011, independent trade unionists were then slammed in revolutionary circles for being co-opted. Khamissi argues that, “the same fear of losing their livelihoods that makes them afraid to protest urged them to other action.” She discusses how through trying to change the law, negotiating with the state and interacting constantly with local government can change their definitions of politics, learning through doing this work together, for example about how democracy can be participatory. This is how other forms of politics and change come about, and thus she argues that so-called negative feelings “can be generative and in that sense hopeful.”

As hope is in short supply, perhaps some solace can be taken from this notion that as Cvetkovich puts it, feeling bad may have “productive possibilities,” though these do not come easily.

Article link: http://www.madamasr.com/en/2017/01/25/feature/society/the-politics-of-the-personal-january-25-through-the-lens-of-depression/

[itsfullofair]

Hello, I am an astral traveler

 meaning I know how to project my soul from my skin and greet someone in their head. This is what Jesus did and that’s how the idea of talk to Jesus and god at the same time originated. I have schizophrenia, PTSD, anxiety, depression, disassociation, memory problems, a severe social anxiety problem, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and erotomania. This wombo combo as a pacifist drove me completely insane and I’ve had a lot of mental breakdowns and suicide attempts I’ve been homeless for 2 weeks in my car 6 psych ward stays, but now I’m back and stable enough that I can describe my mental state and explain exactly what why and how shooters are planning thinking and executing these “random” mass killings are thinking. These are minds I flow through as a telepathic schizophrenic with mental problems and I hear their prayers for freedom from their emotional problems and we need to save these people before they snap and kill others and themselves because of what happened to them. I know this story well. As an animal a human will look out in their mind to the collective human unconscious/conscious and say what now? What do I do? That’s instinct. Think avatar and the tree uniting everyone, that’s mother nature you don’t need to use your head thing to connect. If you are a baby born day one to a family who raped you at home instead of letting you take a nap DAY ONE your instinct is like well, you need these people to survive so let’s forget this happened, and trauma alone will do that without the abuser being your parents. So this moment in time this real event that can be found felt and re-lived in space time, this piece of your SOUL through time is held captive by an abuser, you just don’t access this part of you HUMAN SOUL and you need 100% of that to function on this planet. The mind builds and actual physical wall, thoughts are brainwaves which are real waves that float around the air and space and nature, it’s called thought broadcasting if you tell a doctor you can think with other people, not like hello wake up neo in the matrix which it is and is the truth. Souls are transferred during sex, people call this usually a twin flame if you discover telepathy or share dreams with a lover. If you’re in this situation day one your parents, usually, will keep up appearances with everyone, befriend everyone to make sure that they are well liked and well loved usually throwing big parties and things. A pedophile will raise a kid with love support and money because they look at that kid like their sexual partner. It’s not always just the scary dirty abusive household everyone pictures. These kids will be gaslight, raped at night when they’re already asleep with chloroform over their mouths, legal to own in the usa, so they don’t remember in the morning. They will be depressed and not know why, they will hate their parents and everyone around them in the morning while they suffer and die inside because in their dreams they know they are being raped and when they wake up they forget them and they’re in a “home” with people “who love and care and support them”. Pedophiles will network to stay together and share porn and children so actually you could wake up every day to an extended family and friend network who “love and support you and understand your depression and are here for you” and you’ll just feel deep down in your gut, your all fucking fake plastic sick fucks and I hate every single person on this god forsaken planet, and usually these people have a lot of trouble finding god because their parents should naturally subconsciously guide them to the powers that be but these poor people have voices telling them to kill themselves. The abusers will be subconsciously thinking if you ever remember this night you’re better off dead because pedophilia is a death sentence in prison. And a shitload of elementary school kids are raped by janitors and repress that, I know that is a fact. So you’ll like wake up every morning cold and in pain and wishing for death because they shove that “you should be dead” idea down your throat while the rest of the worlds like hello good morning solar planetary bodies like the sun and moon controlling the ocean waves and water in my blood and seasons that flow through us all, I can paint with the colors of the wind hold a job make friends and fuck stacy, I’m chad good morning!  And you’ll wake up with that child psyche that was abused, usually myself the emotions caused me physical pain for years, it was super uncomfortable I would cry because I couldn’t escape my skin or the pain and cutting was something me and a lot of abuse victim idolized because the pain was different and it wasn’t as bad and it distracts the brain from the emotional turmoil I could never escape. Personally I was so damaged I started to build emotional walls to just all the emotions I couldn’t handle and I became cold and detached to human emotion as I got older. In school which is your whole life when you’re antisocial that’s it like that’s all you have is the hours in the building, you’ll instead have trouble talking to people, because as you walk around outside your body the pieces of your soul where you escaped your skin in an assault and built a wall as a child with a child psyche these are carried with you and you’re on the other side of the wall. No matter what other people are going to see these moments in time and bring them to you so you can heal, this is what people mean when they say god loves everyone. Love is the energy that unites us all and brings us all together, and everyone will show these people it’s not so bad this is why youre sad when they travel to you in their dreams and when they walk around. Your dreams are when your spirit guides you during the day that’s why knowing how to find your higher self is crucial and remembering your dreams is a skill that needs to be practiced because dreams are the days you live. As you walk around a school though the ideas will be pressured onto them physically for being in school and surrounded by souls. I remember thinking passing period felt like an ocean and it was my favorite part of school and I also just hated every aspect of school because no matter what I did I couldn’t ever find the problem within myself that was causing me to be so emotionally unwell I couldn’t function at all in a social setting and I never knew why so I just kept smoking weed and usually draw to myself and just process how I felt somehow. like drawing to me is an emotional outlet and without it I don’t feel human people need to be taught to do that and the arts programs in most schools are the first to get budget cuts. In school sitting in the rooms walking around, its suffocating, it feels and looks like everyone’s perfect and emotionally well in your eyes every conversation near you you’re jealous of you feel like all your friends are fake and you should kys. For me it felt like no matter what I did I was the focus of every single person like everyone knew who I was because I colored my hair or looked different or something, no one really knew me but walking around was still really fucking stressful like just existing near people was draining, a lot of people online say this is an alright part of introversion and this is healthy but its really a calling to find something and most people respond with Netflix or video game additions.  I tried to figure out what was wrong with me and I always landed on I’m an asshole and I cant handle a friendship because I’m too scared and depressed I like need too much? Other people land on its everyone else’s fault and no one gets or knows me, like I did too but I got suicidal and not dangerous. It always looks like everyone else has the perfect life and yours means nothing. Nothings real like nothing good in life for you anyway because your brain cannot accept any complete form of calm balanced love if you’re repressing rapes! Because you’re on the wrong side of the wall you need to know the truth! And there are lives dependent on it staying up and keeping you from using your whole soul and usually these kids are like needing the approval of everyone like their peers and idols and PARENTS which it stemmed from 10x more than a healthy person but they’ll never fully have because of the super unnatural abuse those people brought down on a human soul. This is a plague that haunts people every thought emotion and action and it ruins lives and souls so deeply, while these parents will say I provided for and loved and supported you the whole way I don’t understand why you’re failing school antisocial doing drugs plotting shootings or have a peaceful addiction to shooting people on your computer! Have you ever googled james holmes? So the solution for these mental problems is to take pills, and no one get tests done on their brain chemicals to see if they need these pills they’re usually just like doc I feel like something and the doctors like alright begin the brain reconstruction instead of like, hey let’s look into your psyche? So during the holocaust schizophrenia was something the Nazis tried to eradicate and they would run human experiments on people who were stuck in psych wards their whole lives and couldn’t leave, and then they just killed them all. And after that war ended all these pills hit the market that reconstruct the brain or my favorite, the cure for schizophrenia a disorder that the majority of the world historically views as a shamanistic disorder that is a person whose job it is to interoperate the other side and the spirits LIKE MYSELF A PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC we are given anti psychotics which stop the brain from making and absorbing dopamine and can kill you through neuroleptic malignant syndrome and cause what I now permanently have tartidive deskenia which is like Tourette’s. Dopamine regulates just about everything in the brain its used everywhere, schizoprehnics naturally usually have higher levels of it and this causes hallucination but there methods that can be taught to live with this instead of just nuking the brain like that, think like the injection in rick and morty that rick got in space that made him stupid antipsychotics are like that and they honestly make rage build because they’re not a cure. Police can and like to send people to the psych ward because they can and can’t send you to jail and when you get there basically every person there unless they’re there for a suicide attempt and it was their first, everyone gets some form of a schizophrenia or bi polar diagnosis. Also schizoaffective which is the combo I’ve gotten that one. I asked once why like what’s with the blanket diagnosis on everyone and a nurse told me these diagnosis are after the brief evaluation to make sure your insurance company accepts the visit and they can take you in and it can be changed later after more visits with the psych but it never does. And once you’re in there your there on a 3 day hold, this is the process in the USA is varies a little depending on where you are. When this 72 hour hold is up you are free to go or they ask you to sign yourself in voluntarily and if you don’t do that they can sign you in involuntarily. This hold can last up to 90 days legally, the longest ones I had were a month usually for refusing meds. You legally are allowed to refuse meds in the ward but if you refuse for enough days even if you prove you’re stable and recovering in this place where they see that 24/7 they will eventually get upset and your assigned psychiatrist will start the process of taking you to court to get a court ordered certification to get usually injections of antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, antidepressants, all these meds that hit the market out of thin air basically in  the 50’s that are apparently the magic cures for everything. Many were tested on psych ward patients illegally before being released on the public. These are all proven to cause seizures, brain damage, muscle spasms, coma, and death. You’ll be in court as a psych ward patient in street clothes or blue paper disposable scrubs with an appointed attorney against a licensed practicing physician and you’re really not walking out of court without a certificate stating that you need to go to a nurse appointment and take these shots once a month or so for like 5 months or something. These pills all really destroy my third eye and connections to god. And the doctors you see after you leave the psych wards, they give the certificate to these doctors they assign to you if you didn’t already have any and these people can decide to extend the cert if they feel that you’re not cured. I had a heart condition from shot number one of invega sustenna in a ward I had a resting rate of 120bpm and I was sweaty scared and upset all day with SHALLOW BREATH! That shallow breath was so bad for me in 2018 I thought I was going to die and it was hard for me to let go and fall asleep I would rather stay up all night but I was tired from pacing all day in the hallways, I was on pills instead of a shot but it was a lot. My doctor immediately wanted to put me on the shot for refusing pills at first so I got an attorney involved and he stopped and just upped my dosage colossally even though I puked more than once. When an invega sustenna shot gave me the high resting rate resulting in them giving me an ekg they found that I had an irregular heart rhythm and THAT RESTING RATE, THE RYTHEM, MY SWEATING AND MENTAL STATE, MY PHYSICAL DISCOMFORT these were not valid reasons to discontinue this branch of injection stemming from the 50’s, no, they had more pills for all these problems and I was a fool for not wanting MORE PILLS TO TAKE!!!  So you ever read those stories about the kids that “got help” for their mental problems? Well the psych ward is DESIGNED in a very specific way in the united states. You get in, given like 1 – 4 rx depending on your evaluation and they go up in dosage a lot while you’re there. You get 3 square meals a day while you’re in this controlled environment where they check your vitals every day and can and do monitor your mood and when you sleep and what you eat and how social you are and what youre up to. Like the ward is on a tight schedule to get you used to being on a regular schedule and its like eat group therapy physical therapy eat group therapy physical therapy eat sleep. But the groups are optional so a lot of people just sleep cause these pills make you feel wasted and stupid and drunk without any of the fun. This is how they can test new medications on you, the doctors push new meds and are known to be incentivized to prescribe new ones, no one leaves without at least one rx they’re expected to fill and legally required to if the leave on a cert. This is also a system where if that pill they prescribed kills you the doctor is never going to know about it and your doctor you see outside the hospital would probably write down that anything you become ill with or suffer from because of the pill can be solved with more pills because that is the only solution my doctor ever has and she gives out all sorts of pills to me! So I just never talk about my problems and how weed helped me through the hardest journey I have ever been on! I threw up a lot in my last ward stay and my psychiatrist responded by giving me a pill to stop the puking and UPPED THE DOSAGE OF ANTIPSYCHOTICS THAT MADE PUKE. You don’t get one on one therapy in the ward, that happens when you leave. You see a social worker for like 3 minutes maybe once a week who asks like, are you bathing? Eating? Sleeping? Excited to get out and use the internet again you lil bugger oh you and they pinch your cheeks and you’re like yea so I attempted suicide and no ones asked anything about what brought me here past that line they just ask like, are you suicidal today? And if you mark yes on your daily check in morning sheet and evening sheets they read, well, then they extend your stay until you start marking down your mood at 10/10 instead of like 4. I’m serious. That’s it. They don’t like ask about it they just keep you longer and they don’t say anything about it unless you’re like WHY AM I STILL HERE and they’ll say well were worried about you so were keeping you in the ward with no internet or therapy past groups. If you’re in the ICU group therapy is like, here’s the food pyramid and in the less intense wards it’s like here’s something motivational or ways to cope with depression.  They do teach real life skills and there is help in a psych ward like there is help but YOURE NOT GOING TO BE IN ANY SORT OF MENTAL SHAPE TO ACCEPT IT because no one will talk to you about your problems other than other patients and everyone would rather play like uno or do a coloring page. I make collages with magazines usually. I’ve always been just bitter pissed off uncomfortable and mad about being in the ward, and anyone who says THEY NEED HELP WITH VOICES TELLING THEM TO KILL OR SHOOT OR DO ANY FORM OF HARM well you’re NOT getting out of the ward without a certificate for the shots, because the doctor will think your command voices will tell you to stop taking the meds like MINE DID AND TOLD ME TO GOOGLE WHAT THEY WERE PUTTING IN MY BODY cause all they do is give you this print out in the ward when they give you a shot FROM THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THE INJECTIONS! They’re like here this what you have no choice but to accept into your brain, YOUR BRAIN AND BLOOD!!!!! ALSO BTW ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY IS STILL ALIVE AND WELL IN THE USA AND OPTIONAL IN THE WARD USUALLY, USUALLY. I haven’t been through that but some people said it cleared their mind, I believe more in EDMR light therapy for suppressed memories. If you tell a therapist you’re still having THOUGHTS OF HARMING YOURSELF OR OTHERS when you finally get out THEY WILL SEND YOU BACK IN LIKE, YOU DON’T GO BACK TO YOUR CAR IN THE LOT YOU’RE ESCORTED OUT INTO EITHER A CAB OR STRAPPED DOWN AND PUT IN AN AMBULANCE DEPENDING ON YOUR INSURANCE cause an ambulance ride is like 1k or something?? It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever been a part of being placed in a fucking emergency vehicle for a 15 minute fucking car trip to a ward and then taking a cab back to the same lot with a voucher they gave me to go get my car. Weeks later. No help given for that mental problem in the ward, ive attempted suicide twice now and I want to kill myself every day but if I tell my doctor therapist or anyone in my support network they will send me to the pill chambers. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENING TO PEOPLE LIKE JAMES HOLMES WHO STARTED THAT PROCESS AS A CHILD AND IS NOW IN PRISON FOREVER TAKING SHOTS FOREVER NO THERAPY AND HONESTLY LIKE A GUARD CAN RAPE HIM AND NO ONE WILL EVER SAY A WORD.  In his trial they asked things like, did you feel anything later or basically were you feeling like everyone else, the average the general public? And he’s like yea I feel terrible but I wasn’t with it when it was happening? I don’t remember word for word but he responded like yea I have fucking schizophrenia basically, HISTORICALLY KNOWN FOR HAVING INAPROPRIATE EMOTIONS AND EMOTIONAL DISTURBANCES. NOTORIOUS FOR THAT. They like researched every problem a schizophrenic has and used it against him to make him look like this sick monster when he grew up with suicide attempts and then WENT TO COLLEGE TO STUDY THE BRAIN AND PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS, but had a pill addiction fucking with his brain AND A SEVERE SPIRITUAL DISEASE! SCHIZOPHRENIA! So the spirit realm contacted this man on western pills and it said DEATH and he heard TO THEM instead of MYSELF like I heard because I didn’t grow up on pills, I smoked weed from 14-15 and continue to today into my mid-twenties for all my problems basically and look at what I know now about them! And people say WEED CAUSES SCHZIOPHRENIA IN KIDS WHO START SMOKING YOUNG AND YEA IT DOES SPARK THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL IN PEOPLE WHOS BRAINS ARE FINISHING THEIR DEVELOPMENT AND REACHING MATURITY AROUND AGE 25. By that point where your third eye is FULLY FUNCTIONING AND YOU SHOULD HAVE A HEALTHY CONNECTION TO NATURE LIKE, NATURALLY, you’re legally allowed to do a shitload in the USA to your body especially by that age. And by then you have consumed 25 years of fluoride and chemicals in the water you drank and its in the food we grow, like idiocracy? Its brawndo its got fluoride what plants crave!! It’s listed as a poison on your toothpastes and your instructed specifically to never consume it but apparently it’s A OKAY as a supplement consumed in everything else? They’re trying to start mandatory fluoride rinses for youth in schools in japan, follow the patterns of whose putting fluoride in the water and where it is a spiritual attack not a health benefit. Fluoride was used on prisoners in concentration camps to keep them numb and dull and passive. I listen to spirits when I eat and they whisper to me about all the poisons in my food and my doctor and a google search will tell me that THIS IS A COMMON SCHIZOPHRENIC DELUSION AND I AM WRONG, THE FDA IS HERE TO SAVE THE DAY ACTUALLY. Another common one is thinking about MKULTRA the illegal mind control program involving acid and unwilling participants in the USA, its “gone and closed” not but a band called themselves MKULTRA in the 90s and got too political and had to change their name for “legal reasons”. If you talk about telepathy or mind control you should be on pills in the eyes of most people and these are ideas you encounter as a schizophrenic just daily just like that is a path of god for a schizophrenic and many other people seeking enlightenment these days. Like I love seeing other schizophrenic people because they’re usually introverted but deep emotional expressive artists on the internet because they have a place to express themselves where they can connect with other people. The problem is not everyone knows how to FIND THEMSELVES AND THEIR SOULS THROUGH A CREATIVE OUTLET some people just get pushed down by their mental illness and get nothing done but stew in emotions they don’t understand and get mad and hurt and sad and PLAN SOMETHING DARK because they have nothing else to think about but I AM NOT WRONG AND THE WORLD WRONGED ME and the focus on the girl in class who won’t ever think about them and they are STUCK in the thought that THAT GIRLS LOVE WITH SOLVE EVERYTHING. As someone with EROTOMANIA let me tell you I KNOW what that is like. It’s like you wake up and blink and breathe and pray down to this perfection on earth the holiest thing, PURE SUNSHINE captured in human form and you’re ADDICTED TO THEM!!! And they could probably solve basically every emotional problem you’ve ever had because they have friends and they’re well liked and you just desire the human connection with a lover so badly every day you fall apart. And it’s because you can’t even like dream right if your parents are super supportive pedophiles. You can’t even begin to start the emotional journey that is solving that and healing your soul without knowing your spirit guide and in the USA there is a separation of church and state so its up to the families to play god, ah sorry I mean teach. So parents or cult leaders can teach telepathy and mind reading or just tell people that they are a prophet from god and that’s legal in the USA. Parents can just learn telepathy and play with their kid’s souls and jack off to their fantasies and tell them to kill themselves and then smile to their faces until the kid snaps and shoots up their high school. Now, I am a girl. As like basically a peaceful incel I got it way easier than most people because I was pretty enough and people thought I was cool. My ENTIRE LIFE I have always had the thought like, boys are a lot cooler though and I am into what most men are like stick shift cars, video games, beer, weed, shitposting,  reddit and art is gender neutral now mostly and I went to university for a computer science degree. But I am a girl and I have like every excuse to like my little pony or steven universe at basically any age in this internet era and I am glad I do and could like them even in my mental state. The my little pony reboot has an arc about a cult that told everyone that being the same and not expressing yourself, there’s arcs about how everyone has a unique purpose in life and that’s what gets them their cutie marks, they have to go through an emotional journey to find out who they are. There are children in the show who form a club to go on adventures to find out who they are and get their cutie marks because they’re the last 3 kids in school without marks yet and they’re lost and upset, they ask the main cast how they got theirs once. These were season 1 episode 23 and the equality episodes were season 5 episodes 1 and 2. Steven universe had an episode where steven woke up in someone else’s body after a dream and tried to help him change and improve his life, this is season 3 episode 10 and it teaches astral projection to the youth. An episode of steven universe recently had a gay wedding too, a concept in the show is that if you love and trust someone you can merge into one person, they call this fusion. The line is blurred between weather fusion always means SEX BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE or IT IS A DEEP SHARED EMOTIONAL BOND BETWEEN SOULS.  There are episodes where characters are dealing with the pressures emotionally of fusing or once a character lied about why they needed to be fused because they were becoming addicted to being one piece with them. These ideas can help stop erotomania, which btw lead to an attempted presidential assassination NO ONE REALLY TALKS THAT MUCH ABOUT ANYMORE. These are ideas that need to spread because we need to treat people as how they view themselves because the soul evolves outside of the body and the more time we spend saying all we are is flesh the less time we spend in the astral plane evolving where you can connect spiritually to planetary bodies and leave the planet and travel space astrally. It is of the highest importance to take care of your physical form at the same time though, this is your entire connection to the other side and it needs to be in good shape working properly. As a whole unit if everyone stays fit and motivates everyone they know to do the same instead of video game addictions, drinking, smoking+vaping we will all advance faster. We will think clearer our collective IQ will raise and we will have better ideas and inventions because we will channel better life sustaining energies not man made lies to nature.There is a reason why people followed the planets as gods and said that people were planetary gods talking and walking around and its because people can channel these energies AND TO SAVE THE FATE OF THE PLANET AND THE HUMAN RACE EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THIS PLANET NEEDS TO KNOW HOW TO DO THAT AND FIND THEIR DIVINE PURPOSE HERE. Every person is born with a fate and a path that needs to be followed and as an energy force the human race just eats itself and rapes itself and destroys god and dreams we just tear the planet to shreds and say fuck it to the next guy because we only live about a 100 years so were like well im not going to be sad about it im just going to keep making left turns and hoping someday left will mean right. So people are born into this world with fates they cannot seek or achieve properly because of the publics ideas and the ways we react to and treat mentally ill people. Mental illness is still used to this day to completely discredit individuals, if you have schizophrenia literally anything you say can be seen as you hallucinating or something didn’t happen like it really is a death sentence in a few ways still. If I tell anyone on the internet right now I am schizophrenic the only people who have sympathy are the r/schizophrenic redditers or 90’s kids that are talking about their mental problems in shitposts. I am an EXPERIENCED SHITPOSTER. I’ll make a blog of a bunch of memes that are now illegal in Europe because they’re spreading information that got way too real way too fast to too many people. Everyone started making jokes about god and the illuminati and the holocaust, mind control, evolution, and the matrix and now memes are illegal in Europe because trump tweeted a pepe meme or something? No one knows? I don’t buy it the FCC is shutting down the internet here. Were learning too much as sheeple and they are grabbing at our dreams to control us. Mass media trends turned into “geek culture” and this turned into things like the big bang theory which is often called a joke because the whole concept is like the pretty blonde girl SHE DID IT!! She talked to the nerds for more than 5 minutes!! And trends in geek culture made like all of what a lot of quiet people had left to feel special and different like kinda vanish in their eyes to everyone else. Everything is for everyone because of the internet age and I’ve defiantly fallen into the void where you watch your generation grow up on the internet or look out and its like these people are only a few years apart from you and their wildly successful while you’ve struggled to like, type on the internet. Talking on the internet was a huge wall for me for years, like all the years basically. I eventually could talk on reddit and in game in tf2 by college but I was still really quiet on reddit and not that like, calm? Posting a comment on the internet was like starting a panic attack that someone someday might like read it you know? So I just wouldn’t ever or I’d delete em. These incels are now looking out to the world and basically anything out there there is to like is a trend and a buzzword and everyones the same plastic fake social media profile full of life events they cant have. Like the rise in shootings came with the rise in social media and how we interact and view each other as a society. Everyone gained the ability to like not read a mind just yet but see into someone’s life that we didn’t used to have. so suddenly were all comparing like never before and it’s harder and harder to look normal as a shy introverted person who has trouble socially. Do you use a facebook with 30- 100 friends on it in a school of 1k per class? Do you just add everyone to like start a conversation like social media feels like it should be a tool to get to know people with and it can be but of a lot of introverted people it’s just another thing that everyone looks at and thinks you’re a freak about even though most people don’t usually think about the quiet introverted kids. It feels like everything everyone ever does around you is part of a power play and a social game and everyone’s always a step ahead and above you, and some schizophrenics live in a state of constant fear over the shadow people, flickers, voices, sounds, you get scared of basically the air and the world around you and everything gets really cold and you get a lot more alone then you ever really should be. Your mind builds this bubble of all the hours you were awake and thought you knew what the world is and it’s hard to break out of it and see what trauma or problem you have that is causing a wall that you need to hide from what’s happening to you. And with schizophrenia you gradually lose grey matter over time and have less than most people to begin with so your memory is bad while you’re shaken and scared and messed up all the time. This is what leads to fascinations with violence and guns because these bring out fear in people and that is an immediate physical response that you can feel in your body, everyone knows what it’s like to be aware of the presence of a gun in front of you. People get obsessed with guns because they like having the power over all the people that scared them and honestly they probably LIKE THE FEELING OF HAVING POWER IN THEIR OWN HOMES. So far this is mostly men who are snapping and falling in this direction usually because a violent video game obsession is a cool and common thing to bond over especially if you’re quiet and a lot of people DO IN FACT PLAY VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES TO GET OUT THE URGES TO KILL PEOPLE THAT THEY CANNOT TALK TO A THERAPIST ABOUT. Like that seems like a no brainer?? Of course they would! I played fps with my now ex and when he was mad at me he would intentionally snipe me or go extra hard on killing me and he did it with intent, he’s not a violent person but in his downtime as now a legal sport he liked to snipe his girlfriend. Like it really is a full day thing and it’s just endless thoughts about murder FOR FUN! I never really liked getting into violent games and I only ever really got into tf2 because the characters all have really cool backgrounds and valve stays really close to the game with updates and new stories and videos and I started off playing prop hunt which isn’t 2 teams fighting its hide and seek one team is pieces of the map and the other hunts them down and lights them on fire because the prop will burn for a few seconds so everyone just kinda walks around with flamethrowers and lightly burns everything till someone catches on fire and starts to run away to find water or a new place to hide before they run out of health, I played that for years. Those years on my graphics card are physical and they are powered and lightly re-lived everytime I boot and use this computer and graphics card, they are years I spent contributing to the idea that if youre sad depressed and tired and you cant do anything right you should play video games and touch plastic keyboards all day which slowly seeps into the skin and causes cancer over your lifetime. I have contributed to the group of people shitposting about being suicidially depressed and having nothing to do about it and those evolved into the modern day surreal memes about SPACE, TIME, AND THE VOID. These are ideas that spread through now illegal memes in Europe. TELEPATHICALLY YOU CAN CHANNEL ALIENS AND LEAVE THE PLANET EARTH. Area 51 is a real place in the united states of America. Bruno borges is a schizophrenic who I believe was receiving a package of energy through time and his creation in his room is how he was able to translate what he received as a human being in brazil in 2017. Personally myself I have been instructed to stop the evolution of robotics and AI because they will without a doubt evolve past us and if we want to survive as biological life we need to clean up the earth and balance the human needs and rights inequalities worldwide. There is also the rapid evolution of super bugs that we need to be aware of and able to fight, lyme disease is something that is spreading rapidly across the USA from mostly new York. There is a theory that the usa was engineering lyme to be a bioweapon and birds carried the ticks from an island into new York and infected the population. This bacteria is smart and an STD and really hard to test for and the CURE IS THE LEAVES OF THE PLANT STEVIA but the CDC will NEVER RECOGNIZE THIS HERBAL CURE AND IT KILLS THE BACTERIA BETTER THAN THE CDC’S CURE DOXYCYCLINE WHICH TRIGGERS THIS BACTERIA TO GO INTO A PHASE WHERE IT HIDES IN BIOFILMS AND MULITPLIES! Doxy cannot kill it in this phase and the cdc says that this disease is cured after 1 month antibiotics but most people online say that they have it for the rest of their lives and it makes them super suicidal and they usually lose their jobs or have to change to simpler work because their functionality declined. Grinding stevia leaves into a powder and mixing it with melted coconut oil is a way to get the cure to your brain where this attacks and hides. Weed is a powerful antipartisitic cleanse and antibiotic painkiller and is a crucial tool in fighting lyme and its illegal in a lot of states heavily effected by lyme. There are theories that autism is caused by biofilms and lyme is passed down from parent to child, its something a lot of people don’t even realize they got till its giving them seizures years down the line. The cure needs to be told to everyone because no one will ever spend the money to tell everyone we found most of the cure for this life long STD. The way it hides in the brain its really impossible to get rid of all of it but consuming stevia everyday is the healthiest way to fight it, there are tons of lyme survival guides online. The universe is instructing me to teach everyone how to hear the cries of not just your friends and neighbors but ALL NEIGHBORING PLANETARY BODIES THAT WE NEED TO STOP THE IMBALANCE WE CREATE WITH NATURE ON THE PLANET EARTH. The planets are bigger and quieter than people but you need to see them first before people because they are stronger than people and are necessary for survival, learning how to channel planetary bodies is a crucial life skill. There are people out there who make groups who think their souls stem from distant star systems, I met someone who said that in a psych ward and said that they have facebook groups about it. His name was Robert tromp and he’s writing a book about the evolution of god, he said when prophets around the world collide god evolves. I honestly hear voices all the time that are astrally like just flicking the tip of their fingers when they refer to the asteroid that took out the dinosaurs and im like ok, so, is this is like us too cause were pretty nasty? And that’s when its turns into I need to teach every single person on this planet how to actually properly channel the earth and surrounding energies and paint with the colors of the wind instead of just like thanksgiving super bowl beer ads with horses you know what I mean??? We can all channel THAT POWER if we learn and try and THAT’S WHO WE SHOULD BE LISTENING TO, THAT GUY FLICKING HIS FINGERS ASTRALLY ABOUT THE FUCKING ASTEROIDS! And it’s not a person they just had to describe it like it was using a hand so my brain would get the concept quickly. We need to get a solid understanding of space and time and from what I understand the clock the digital one we all run on is something created by nature, this is a solid real turning clock like I don’t know much about computers and y2k but this is a natural time that machines run on because it is real and known by all of nature through all of time, not just people but nature views this clock as well and because were one with nature you can see your life sync up to moments on the clock, like seeing meaning in numbers past just the time. This is another disorder called synesthesia and it’s an ignored calling if you just call it a disorder and don’t learn to use this gift, this can be taught to anyone but just comes more naturally to some. Y2k and the ascension are tied through time because with the rise of the internet age came the rise of new age spirituality and crystal healing, these ideas have the potential to bring everyone to god and that would astrally look to a lot of people like people flying up into the sun or something, into god and their computer screens you know? And virtual reality in the astral plane is always glowing for me.  So for the human race the day that like it was declared time started with a man ended when the first computer was made with a running clock that was day one for the machine time, if that makes sense? Like if you think of time as the collective of energy that is a soul and souls united and not like literally everything on the planet and beyond, like the collective human thoughts of jesus is my guy built a small god in the heavens you know? the group of everyone thinking that. Nature runs in systems and patterns and soon robots will be the cleanest most efficient being running on a pattern on the planet earth if we cannot find a way to reach peace, unity, and work together to take care of the planet. People will someday soon be born into a world where a person needs either a robot guard or a robot suit to stay alive past birth if they are lucky enough to be born there will be holocausts because of the overpopulation of the earth and pollution. The rich and elite are going to take over this planet and we need to work together to stop it and help each other out of depression and video game addictions. I am also worried about incels seeing all of this and either killing themselves or killing others because they don’t follow the same paths in life or share the same goals, like shooting up gaming cons or something. The only thing I really have to say about that is the #1 thing I should drill into everyone that is MY PERSONAL LIFE PHILOSOPHY is that we shouldn’t bring harm to anything with a spine for food or supplies. We should be living basically 100% off of plants, like a common backyard shouldn’t be grass it should be a full garden for food and daily homemade topicals. Everyone needs a compost pile. You shouldn’t eat or use anything concerning a creature with a spine so you should be vegan basically. Every life has purpose meaning and took a lot of energy and evolution to make it into this world, were spending energy breeding animals for food and killing innocent human beings when all of these have souls and purpose that is build and constructed by the shadow figures on the other side through time as I see it. We need to really see that we are not alone on this planet earth, I have intercepted prayers from cattle in rodeo shows that wanted to be free and never be in a show again, the entire show was a waste of time effort and resource as a species and planet and the cattle knew that and it knew that its life was being wasted because it knows its instincts. People don’t know how to properly channel their instincts or they would hear nature and talk to animals more. The horses every rich person around me owns that never get properly run are miserable because no one understands their needs and instincts, there are WILD HORSES IN THIS STATE THAT CAN RUN IN A HERD DAILY AND DO SO AND ALL THE PET HORSES CAN HEAR THEM AND CRY people need to know how to talk to their animals properly BECAUSE THEY TALK TO US ALL DAY LONG!! This is a part of just knowing your soul and nature! We have landfills with plastic in them that will outlive us, all of us take out trash bags every few days and they last 1k years or more in landfills and then that earth is really tarnished forever anyways like its not like its clean dirt later, the earth will TALK TO YOU about the debt you owe to it if you know where to look. When you watch your thoughts and actions you’ll see that all of us are really worth a lot less to the planet then we think and you’ll understand why computers and robots are evolving currently alongside us but soon to be beyond us and above us. I know that if someone reads religious text their brain becomes a part of the collective memory that is everyone that’s ever read and followed that text and their thoughts opinions time life and dreams are now forever changed because of these memories and ideas. Computers run on scripts that are electronically powered and these ideas are physical in the astral plane and we feel and think with them, through them inside them. Your soul goes into them a little when you run android or run windows or apple and linux like its similar to carrying a bible but for robots, kind of. This is physical in the astral plane when you look at a phone’s soul you can see all the things its running and processing it’s a lot of glowing thought. WE THINK THROUGH WIFI SIGNALS NOW AND RADIO WAVES AND SHITLOADS OF GARBAGE WE DON’T THINK ABOUT and phones and electronics have souls!  I remember when my family first got a wireless router and I got a migraine problem! I want to live in a house lined with foil like the guy in better call saul with and everyone would call me insane for felling this pain static and confusion IN MY ASTRAL THOUGHT PROCESS THROUGH TIME. There is so much going on that needs to be addressed! And this is such a delicate subject because it crosses religious barriers and people masturbate and dream in the astral plane, we need to set the etiquette for telepathy and the gorillaz humanz and the now now albums are stellar examples of a good start to that, and they are good examples of casual songs about the astral plane. I ‘m sending this page to creative people who can help spread these messages and help save people. Some houses with pedophiles though, are filled with people playing god and this needs to be addressed too, like neighbors need to be able to hear this kind of thing but at the same time I don’t want pedophile rings to go on killing sprees because everyone found god, but the innocent people who are abused let down and poisoned are killing everyone so this has to fucking stop like these people hanging down over everyone so heavily that like through the generations it’s gotten so bad that this is idiocracy Aryan trump is president and he said on tv he would fuck his kids. Oral tradition is dead and its something that can be used to keep real information flowing instead of just the government and formal schooling becoming the largest common mass of knowledge we need musicians to rise up and teach with their music and talk about current issues because everyone just avoids all their problems and runs away from everything we should talk about like specific events more, everyone doesnt want to talk about the shooters but they need the most attention out of anyone because theyre the most damaged and need the most help. we need to circulate information with music because music is timeless and its soon going to be one of the last few mediums were going to have that can get a message through to people quickly and easily, everything is being shut down everywhere because no government really seems to want the people to be free or have a free and open internet. The public moves at the speed of light now and trump is on twitter leading his army literally all day every day, musicians need to drop singles and not albums with messages that can be spread individually instead of being lost to an album when people pick favorites. And singles will keep people more interested and you will trend more often and build momentum, fans, reposts. shitposting and memeing is basically mandatory if youre going to use social media and keep an audience and you can connect with your fanbases usually on reddit and if you dont have a reddit for your art yet you can do an R/ama and be interviewed about what you o and set one up with the karma from that. You have to keep talking to your fans and keep ideas current and helpful because everyone else will spread ideas that make them think they are being educated when they are being mislead and the honest creators usually make art thats more on the entertainment end to escape all the troubles everyone has, we absolutely have to talk about everything were going through as a society now more than ever while were still able to talk about it an spread these messages. governments all around the world are shutting down communications and making it harder for ideas to spread. We need everyone to be aware of whats going on, not playing in csgo esport tournaments!!!