#its just that its more traditional with them. i cant really express myself without getting comments for it

[perenlop]

convinced that being around autistic queer people heals the soul. that’s when i feel like i’m alive

[lifmera]

hello! I saw you did Hazbin Hotel matchups and thought I’d request one! You’re my first request, and based off of what I’ve seen so far, I’m happy you are :) Take your time and get to me when you can!

I’m 19, my pronouns are She/Her and I’m lesbian. I haven’t been in one yet, but I’d be open to a Polyamorous relationship. I’m a Sagittarius (December 13). I have black, wavy hair that goes to my shoulders. I dress in a grunge style. I LOVE converse high tops, chains, chokers, and black cargo/sweat pants. Depending on how I feel, I wear chunky rings, always silver. I don’t wear much makeup, but if I do, it’s usually just eyeliner and mascara. Sometimes I do some more fancy eyeliner depending on the occasion. I’m 5’3.

I’m the therapist in my friend group. I tend to put their feelings and needs before my own. I don’t really care how I feel as long as I keep the peace. My emotions jump all over the place. Most of the time, I’m quiet and reserved. I can get easily irritated, though, if provoked. I also have severe anxiety. I tend to lean on the pessimistic side, but not always. I’m absolutely horrendous at comforting people in person, but over texts, I’m great at it. I have an extremely dirty mouth, and constantly use it around my friends. I have dark humor, which only some of my friends laugh with me at, so I don’t make jokes too often in case I get silence. I dislike people who judge others at first glance or because of rumors they hear. Honesty and loyalty is a big thing for me. I make jokes about things that bother me. I struggle with talking about my feelings. I can forget to take care of myself at times, especially when I have what I call my “down days”, which is the days I have when everything feels hopeless, and I can’t get out of bed.

My love languages are giving and receiving quality time, acts of service, and words of affirmation.

Music is my absolute best friend. It helps me to express my emotions without them coming out of my own mouth. I love watching and reading horror movies and books, I crochet, and I love sitting out in the rain or going out into the woods. I play both acoustic and electric guitar, and my favorite bands/singers are Mother Mother, Djerv, Ghost, Jack Stauber, and Penelope Scott. I love doing art, mainly rough sketches and traditional art. My favorite games are TLoU and RDR2. I love the shows Arcane League of Legends and Hazbin Hotel (obviously).

Thanks if you get around to me! I hope this is enough :) Have a nice day/night!!

Hi Hun!!

You aswell 🩷

I think Velvette works too.

I’ve decided to pair you up with …. LUTE!

I think when she first saw you she definitely questioned you. Like- “why are u in heaven when you dress like you belong in hell..”

Can she even talk though? Girl…..

Lute tends to keep her emotions under control. But its stressful. Adam can be so annoying…

Lute honestly is also pretty pessimistic- but if she sees her gf being pessimistic? She’d force you into anything you enjoy. She can’t stand seeing you upset. It hurts her heart!

I think she wouldn’t mind though. She never talks much about herself.

She definitely would not care about how much you curse. Adam has probably said worse.

She’d probably like dark jokes. She probably hasn’t heard one before- and snickered when she did.

Lute is HUGE ON HONESTY AND LOYALTY!!!! She will love you forever. 🩷

Honestly Lute would join you on down days. She needs a break. Away from her duties and just everything. She’d want to take care of you though! She cant have you upset!

I think Lute is also big on Quality time. She feels like she doesn’t get enough because she’s constantly working, so she tries to make up for it by buying you gifts!

She definitely loves music too. You would 100% drag her down with you into your music rabbit hole. She’d probably end up humming Ghost all day.

She LOVES when you play the electric guitar. In her head she’d think you are better than Adam- but won’t say it out loud.

She definitely loves that you crochet!! She’d wear whatever you made her. Or maybe any plushies??

I don’t think it rains in heaven, or hell for that matter- but if she went down to earth i think she’d love the patter of rain hitting against the top of the car!!! It’d relax her :)

~~~

I HOPE THIS WAS OKAY?!!

[petorahs]

NICE i’m glad if you’re having fun then :] 

also it’s no prob i’m still getting used to tumblr too x_x this site is not meant to be a forum i think LMAO 

interesting! i’m just about to get into oct 4 in-game actually and i dont even remember what takaya said from my original playthrough, and it’s only been five months since then. definitely will get back to you on what i think about this then (if i even have a thought. sometimes my synapses refuse to connect when aigis on screen) 

and true! the chairman can be a goofy side-villain i don’t mind him! i, too, could not even take that entire bit seriously with how sudden it was and how little i cared for mitsu’s dad at the time. pretty much another case of sloppy execution, that i can agree. the crucifixion was funny tho

ahh yeah i can understand that! lmao thats a cute quirk if i may say so. even in fiction there’s this trope where the rich families are excessively formal with eachother, yet the love is plain as day. i never denied kirijo’s love towards mitsuru, but simply conflated outwardly-affectionate to loving. kirijo’s design is quite... intense and so is his demeanor lmao, his curtness towards mitsu also did not strike me as ‘loving’ and she seemed sad/scared at the prospect of visiting him. obviously they still loved eachother just expressed it in actions more than traditional methods like yukari and her dad. but i love that story you shared :D  

and now that i see your point in it’s fullness... that’s extremely true. the problem with strega as a whole really is just that they suffer from needing to be seen as the ‘bad guys’ objectively when the topic is so subjective :0 exactly the point you made in the initial ask. there really is no grand ideological clash between SEES and strega like how we see in p5′s antagonists (even p4, if what i’ve gather of it is true) yet i think the writers wrote it that way just so there could be a human-shaped obstacle before the real final battle. fodder, for lack of a better word (and i really do hate to use it), before nyx’s fight. 

the story of persona 3 seems to work best when there is no answer. when the original intent of “not being preachy” and leaving it vague is met, i feel. which is why the manga seems to do it well, yes i can see now :0 i should def give it a read!! (I saw like one panel where ryoji had his bangs down and almost CRIED he looks the same as minato.,.,)<-- is the biggest minato arisato fan on earth

hmmm i dont know about the s.link gameplay-story dissonance but! from here on i will keep it to the main cast’s story depictions for simplicity’s sake.

LMAOO actually i do think power of friendship was in fes too like very briefly but i cant remember it. however, more importantly, i do believe the intent of modern persona is its emphasis on the cumulative nature of the ‘bonds’ you forged rather than each individual? or rather, it’s the effort each MC put into getting to know people or going through it with their fellow teammates instead of doing things solo. it’s why akechi failed while ren succeeded, why adachi failed while yu succeeded. both of them rejected the world and insisted that they were better off without anyone in their lives. (not that i agree with what general modern persona is saying, but that’s the logic behind it). maruki’s just a whole other case i wont get into <3 he had enough goodwill to achieve godhood briefly but ig PT were built diff 

thinking about it more will make my head explode i never minded power of friendship plots myself (i grew up with naruto dattebayo). my heart gets fuzzy whenever the heroes triumph from some cheesy thing like true friendship whatever that means. it truly is. an anime moment. that i will excuse for now 

i didnt know junpei gets developed in the spin-off rhythm game :0 i just knew his dance moves were sick with it. but i see your point there! you’re looking for a slight personality change rather than different actions as development.. if i’m reading this right? then there's nothing i can really say aside from, yeah, junpei doesnt really change from beginning of the game and after much from any obvious aspect (like. i’d definitely have to be thinking hard about it to come up with one which is an indication that it was bunk from the start). 

and so doesn’t yukari. i agree! she does not undergo much of a personality change either, and i never claimed as such. she was a sweet-yet-troubled girl in the beginning and same in the end. which is why it does boggle me that p3 fans cite the “character development regression” argument for anything, without ever taking the time to understand what development it was in the first place. the way i interpreted it and highlighted in the post was her way of dealing with grief over the death of her father. the way she goes from truth-seeking, to jaded, to quietly determined. that’s literally the only crux-resolution of yukari’s character to me. 

i guess by that logic, i’ve found junpei’s ‘development’ to be his aimlessness, to finding something to protect in chidori, to finding someone to live for in their stead also in chidori. from just flying through life to living life decisively. 

to me, these characters aren’t particularly that deep, and i never claimed as such since it’s like persona, the game that juggles so many characters including 22 side ones -- it’s pretty much a given they’ll be tropey. but i can say that if there’s anything p3 did right it’s depicting different levels of grief in all its characters in some capacity, which at least matches its theming. 

and what i can say it does wrong, is not extending that same care and nuance in its villains (Aside from maruki i think), just so they can fill in the shoes of “bad guy”. 

I feel like the main problem with how Strega (Takaya and Jin, at least) are written is just about the game desperately wanting them to remain excessively unlikable until after they are defeated, which is…bizarre and unnecessary, to say the least. They are never actually doing anything of importance, so the narrative relies on "dehumanizing" them into stock villains, to give the players some reason to dislike or, at least, oppose them on a personal level, hence the lack of meaningful characterization. Jin's November comment about SEES "not having a clue what will happen if the Dark Hour disappears", impliedly being about the memory wipeout, since Takaya told them outright they would lose their powers earlier, is the perfect example of this, imo. He gets cut off mid-sentence, so he doesn't spoil it for later, naturally, but it's never brought up again, after eventually being reveled by Ryoji, because that is actually a pretty solid reason for them to antagonize the protagonists (imagine waking up on the streets, with no personal documents, feeling awfully sick and wondering why no one is looking for you!) but, again, they are yet to be defeated and not meant to come off as even remotely sympathetic until then. It's just very…unskillful writing. Sorry for the long message, btw, I initially just wanted to leave a regular comment, actually, but there's just so many words it apparently wouldn't fit in less than five separate responses 😵‍💫

yoooo thanks for the input. thats also a really good way of looking at it! the game needing to make them unlikeable pretty much explains things. it just ends up being really goofy. which is a shame because they really do have great backstories that remain largely unexplored.

Jin's November comment about SEES "not having a clue what will happen if the Dark Hour disappears", impliedly being about the memory wipeout, since Takaya told them outright they would lose their powers earlier

honestly? i never made this connection myself so thanks for telling me! i could see that being true and i'm about to hit that point in my replay game soon myself so i can look at it with this context. question is how could jin have possibly have known this info... my guess is ikutsuki could have fed them that info since he also supplied them with his suppressant drugs, plus they even knew about the Ruin thing that Nyx could have brought about. honestly, including ikutsuki the "antagonists" of p3 are an interesting bunch with how much potential they have that's not really explored but i guess thats just a hashino persona game thing.

also i just think between them and ikutsuki i def see strega having more sympathetic light being shone on them since they were the direct victims of old kirijo's depravity. out of all the kids, only they survived? your comment about them "not having any personal documents" just strikes me as so fcked up. damn. hope it changes a bit in reload.

[yandere-daydreams]

this is the ai anon from before and irenogonffewoonfewon idk how you managed to make my ramblings into an investing narrative, but in that case let me finally put my comp sci courses to good use.

basically, rn we have two major types of ai programs, machine learning and deep learning.

in both cases they use whats called a "black box". the algorithm is given data and a solution and then it has to figure out how to get from a to b.

traditionally, most ai runs on machine learning. we dont teach it how to do something, we just teach it how to learn. its sorta self taught. of course, some algorithms are more supervised than others and often times you give them a sort of base formula to help filter the data they receive (think feeding the ai a bunch of images labelled face and not a face as training data)

but DEEP LEARNING HOLY SHIT. deep learning is why i dont trust ai. humankind went "wow you know what would make our computers faster and smarter. if we modeled them after the human brain". so they built neural networks. with these we give it the problem and a whole bunch of data and say "fix it". the only reason we dont already have sentient sex dolls is because our current programs are only really good at fixing one program at a time (i.e. playing chess, recognizing a face, etc.)

so on a macro level, we know WHAT the program is doing, and we can look at its code and make sure its not like, imploding. but unlike traditional programs you cant really break down the code line by line.

the biggest problem with ai though isnt like the movies where it wants to idk start a robot revolution, but the data we provide is usually flawed. for example, lets say you trained an ai to sort through all your company's job applications to find the best candidates, using the applications that you have accepted in the past as training data. if your company has had decades of misogynistic hiring practices, the ai is going to take that into account. suddenly, its throwing out applications that hint that the applicant is female. spooky right? well, that actually happened with amazon's ai recruiting engine.

the biggest flaw with ai is the data we feed them. they recognize our biases faster than we ever will and then they perpetuate them

now to return to the central topic of. uh. genshin impact sex dolls.

lets assume that the sex dolls are initially trained based on user data, averaged across all users. this would create good starter behavior, right?

except consider the inherent data bias. people who purchase sex dolls are generally gonna be into the kinkier stuff already, which would basically start every android with a one-way ticket to yandere town if their user feeds into that demographic in the slightest. especially the models already intended to be a bit rougher around the edges.

in terms of fixing it, on a global scale, theyd have to add some more protective protcols and sift through the training data to exclude certain outliers or unwanted behavior. on an individual scale, the fastest way would probably be just to reset it to factory conditions.

alright im gonna stop myself before i go feral infodumping again. have a nice day/night :3

ohhhhhhhh so it's kinda like that thing about telling an ai to make ice cream and forgetting to specify that the ice cream shouldn't be made out of, like, babies and puppies and stuff. so, in terms of sex dolls, you'd basically have to specify what a bunch of androids who are already pre-disposed to being a little more violent or a little more possessive can and can't do, down 'can you bruise your user? [no]' and 'are you allowed to dismantle other androids without expressed consent? [no]'.

i also think it'd present a fun new way for androids to get past their safeguards without an apparent glitch. since they're prone to learning from their users and picking up new 'perspectives', safeguards like 'can you physically impair humans who are not your user? [no]' might get changed internally to 'can you protect your user from hostile threats? [yes]'. would it actually fly in most actual ai? probably not. is the programming in my au canonically shotty and am i keeping it in for horny reasons? absolutely.

[musicaltheatrewannabe]

mistletoe - a seblos oneshot <3

sooo i guess im a fic writer now? lol im really enjoying it so here’s some wholesome seblos being boyfriends around christmas! ft tree decorating and a cow ornament bc i cant ever forget about seb being a farmboy

“So, I’ll meet you at your locker after school?” Carlos asked, holding onto his backpack straps as he stood right outside the doorway to his classroom.

“Yep!” Seb gave Carlos a quick peck and smiled before heading down the hallway toward his English class. Carlos, who still couldn’t believe that he and Seb were really together, embraced the dumb grin that was plastered on his face and wandered into his math class. Now that the musical was over and he and Seb were officially boyfriends, he had invited him to his place after school alone for the first time, and the anticipation was killing him.

Throughout the entire period he paid even less attention than usual to Mr. Mazzara’s ramblings about matrices and whatever other algebra was relevant that day. All he could do was count down until class would end and he would see Seb again. Ashlyn, who was sitting next to him, kept rolling her eyes at his absentmindedness. “Did you get any of that down?” she sighed, the little doodled hearts on Carlos’ otherwise blank page already giving her the answer.

“I’m sorry, can I take a pic of your notes and copy them down later?” Carlos whispered back, earning a glare from their teacher at the front of the room. Ashlyn nodded and Carlos smiled gratefully, taking a discreet picture with his phone.

“Alright, I’ll see you all tomorrow.” Before Mr. Mazzara could even reach the end of his sentence, Carlos had started shoving his notebook and pencil case haphazardly into his backpack.

“Someone’s in a hurry,” Ashlyn chuckled, “let me guess- you’re hanging out with Seb?”

Carlos was too excited to be embarrassed by his enthusiasm. “He’s coming over to help me decorate our tree as a surprise for my mom. She’s been really busy at work these past few weeks, and with Christmas approaching, it’s just adding another thing to her to do list.”

Ashlyn nodded, “ah, so it’s the perfect excuse to have your boyfriend over without supervision, huh?” She wiggled her eyebrows at Carlos, who laughed and gently smacked her arm as they swung their bags over their shoulders.

“No, it’s not like that,” he blushed, “I’m excited because I’m really getting into the Christmas spirit- Seb is just an added bonus!” Oh, who was he kidding, Seb’s entire existence was the definite cause of his excitement, and Ashlyn could see right through to the reality of their honeymoon phase.

Ashlyn smirked as she turned to go down the hallway in the other direction, “whatever you say… have fun!”

Carlos waved and headed off toward Seb’s locker, barreling through the growing crowd of students. When he turned the corner and saw the blonde boy, his face lit up. Seb put some textbooks back in his locker and then turned to see Carlos approaching, a smile instantly appearing on his face. “Hey, how was math?” he asked, shutting his locker with his backpack and leaning against it.

Carlos intertwined his fingers with Seb’s and started subconsciously playing with his hands, “honestly, I was so lost, I couldn’t even tell you.” Seb laughed and raised his eyebrows at Carlos. “But it’s fine, we don’t have any tests until after Christmas, and Ash has basically become my tutor so…” he trailed off, smiling. “How was English?”

“It was great! I got my Gatsby essay back and I got an A!” Seb’s smile grew even wider.

“Oh my God, Sebby!” Carlos squeezed Seb’s hands and pressed a quick kiss to his lips, “I knew you had nothing to worry about!”

The blonde boy beamed with pride and chuckled, “thanks!” Seb moved away from his locker and pulled Carlos after him, their hands still intertwined, saying “we should get going though, we don’t want to miss the bus!”

During the bus ride, Seb was texting his mom about his essay, which made Carlos smile. Carlos leaned his head on Seb’s shoulder and Seb kissed his forehead, both of them filled with the good kind of butterflies that they had been slowly getting used to since their relationship had become official on opening night two weeks earlier.

They got off the bus at Carlos’ stop and Carlos got out his keys to unlock the front door. “Oh, is your mom not home?” Seb asked.

“No, she’ll be at work for a few more hours. I wanted to get started with decorating so she wouldn’t have to worry about it this year,” Carlos replied, opening the door and gesturing for Seb to go inside, “but of course I didn’t want to do it by myself.”

“Hm,” Seb grinned, dropping his backpack and pulling Carlos in after him, “guess this means we’re here alone.”

Carlos didn’t have time to reply before Seb crashed their lips together, wrapping his arms around Carlos’ neck. He had been waiting for this all week- sure, they were fine with small displays of affection at school, but something like this was reserved for when they were alone. Carlos pulled away, too soon for Seb’s liking, and ran off into the living room.

Confused, Seb laughed and said “Carlos, what are you doing?”

“Just a sec, honey!” Carlos shouted from the other room as he rummaged through some bags. Seb swooned at being called ‘honey’ and smiled in disbelief that Carlos was really finally his boyfriend.

Carlos came to stand in the doorway between the living room and entryway, hands behind his back. Seb cocked his head at his boyfriend’s mischievous look, and Carlos responded by whipping a sprig of mistletoe out from behind his back and holding it over his head with a smirk. “Oh my God, you are the cutest,” Seb rolled his eyes and bounced over to Carlos, grabbing his face to kiss him again. Carlos wrapped his free arm around Seb’s back but kept the other one up holding the mistletoe over their heads until his arm got tired and he pulled away.

“Ok, as much as I love kissing you, we need to actually get the Christmas spirit going in this house and decorate! Starting with this mistletoe. Hold it up to the doorframe and I’ll tape it,” Carlos said, and Seb did as instructed.

“Wait, you actually hang mistletoe in your house?” he asked as Carlos ripped a piece of tape off a roll that was in his back pocket.

“How else are we gonna set up the game where all of my extended family gets caught under the mistletoe? It’s kind of a tradition around here…” Carlos smiled as he applied the tape just above the doorframe so the sprig hung down. “Alright, let’s get started with this tree!” Carlos gestured towards the boxes of ornaments and started playing a Glee Christmas playlist over the speakers.

“I love that you’re a gleek,” Seb grinned as he started untangling the Christmas lights. Carlos was about to protest when Seb added, “hey, hey, I am too, no shame here!”

“I knew you had taste,” Carlos laughed, helping Seb wrap the lights around the tree.

They spent the next hour hanging up all the ornaments, singing along to the songs and even pausing to dance to a few together. When they had emptied all of the boxes Carlos put his arm around Seb and said, “thanks for helping with this, it looks great!”

“You don’t need to thank me, it’s been so much fun!” Seb went over to his backpack and reached inside. “I actually have a little something for you…” he smiled as Carlos gasped and clapped in excitement.

“It’s not even Christmas yet…” Carlos said as Seb handed him a small gift-wrapped package.

“Just open it!” Seb urged him, grinning expectantly.

Carlos unwrapped the present carefully, grinning when he saw that Seb had given him an ornament. And not just any ornament, but a little cow with a wreath and cowbell around its neck as well as “xmas 2019 - sms<3” written on its side. Carlos just looked back and forth between the gift and his boyfriend in awe.

“Well, do you like it?” Seb started to look a little worried before Carlos finally recovered his words.

“Sebby, it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen- you’re the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!” Still holding the ornament, he wrapped Seb into a hug, “thank you so much!”

“I’m glad you like it,” Seb laughed. “I painted the text on by hand,” he added with a sheepish smile.

“Oh my God, stop…” Carlos’ smile grew even wider and he turned to hang the ornament on the tree, “there we go, front and center, as it should be. Now the tree’s done.” Carlos held Seb’s hand and the blonde boy beamed at him. “Oh wait!” Carlos let go of Seb’s hand and ran over to the last unopened box, “I almost forgot…” He pulled out a golden star and gave it to Seb. “As the guest of honor, you should be the one to put this on top of the tree.”

“Yay!” Seb exclaimed and Carlos laughed. The blonde boy stood on his tiptoes and just barely managed to place the star on top of the tree, proud when he did.

Carlos lit up the tree and took a step back, taking Seb’s hand and looking at him smiling next to him. “Now it’s done…” he whispered, taking in the moment and placing a kiss on the back of Seb’s hand.

“Now it really feels like Christmas,” Seb replied. He closed his eyes and leaned in, but his eyes shot back open when he felt Carlos pulling him away again. After the initial shock, he laughed as he realized what Carlos was doing and followed him back to the doorway where they had hung the mistletoe. Seb pushed Carlos against the side of the doorframe and kissed him, pouring all of his feelings up to that point into the action. Carlos couldn’t believe that this was his new reality as he ran his hands through Seb’s hair, pulling him closer. Neither of them had the words to express what they were feeling, so they channeled it into every kiss, every touch, every sound, and in that moment, they both knew it would be a great Christmas.

[soaringsearingphoenix]

Valentine's Day Asks: The Prime Numbers

Wow! I dont know why i didnt see the notification for this one but ok, alright ah

1. do you have a crush on anyone?

I guess so? There are people who Stand Out to me and i call them crushes in my head sometimes but mostly I just want to be friends with them. Like I dont usually get dizzying sweeps of emotion for someone, physical or romantic, but I do get an urgent and baseless desire to hang out with them... maybe take a walk or invite them to get ice cream. So like if we’re on the same page about what I call a Crush on my emotional scale then yes. Theres a couple people.

2. what’s your favorite candy?

I like lemonheads and i will eat them until im sick of them if given half a chance. I also like snickers now because theres peanuts in it so i get to pretend im making a healthy choice

3. favorite love song?

Slow Boat To China, any version but specifically sung by Bette Midler and Barry Manilow. You know, like, just the corniest possible version? Partly for nostalgia, because it was one of like three CDs i remember my mom playing all the time when we were just kind of around the house when I was little. It also has the distinction of being the first duet I learned the words to (though as far as im aware none of my friends know the lyrics... i dont think ive ever actually sung it with someone) and it’s probably gotta be the one that gets stuck in my head the most. Right down to the dumb banter in the middle (“Bette, I didn’t know you felt that way about me.” “I don’t. I need a piano player.”)

I also like “Somewhere Beyond The Sea.” I think, as a general rule, that if there are boats in the words to a love song I will probably like it.

5. what was your last kiss like?

Meaningful

7. do you prefer poems or love letters?

Ahhhhhhhhhh to read or to write? I like writing poems because I think they’re... easier honestly? Writing is so hard, identifying your feelings is hard. Having some constraints makes writing easier, and a rhyme and cadence makes it flow. Besides, it’s more musical that way so I think for me it feels like a more natural expression of love. I do well with more structured expression, and not so much with making just raw, unrefined feelings known.

Not to say writing poetry is easy. It’s less difficult than a love letter, sure, but there are still potential pitfalls. If i make a metaphor that makes me think of science, the rest of the poem WILL be just an extension of the metaphor that gets more and more didactic until I’m just telling you science facts.

11. dinner dates or brunch dates?

Dinner dates. I decided that before i came up with a reason why. I think the reason is that an evening engagement means I have something to look forward to, or be nervous about but then i have time to mentally prepare myself. Whereas morning, even if it’s not “early” morning, I feel more stressed about getting there on time and then afterwards theres a whole rest of the day where i either have to get somewhere after, or its just this unstructured uncertainty. Dinner, youve already done the rest of the day, so you can be present without worrying about what you gotta get to after.

13. favorite perfume/cologne?

I... dont know that ive ever noticed a perfume or cologne and felt it was applied tastefully, because i think if it is insubtle it defeats the point. That said, if it’s actually well applied so that it’s less an overwhelming cloud that trails comically behind people you pass in the quad and more like when someone sits down right next to you om the couch and you get just a hint of their shampoo or conditioner, to the point where maybe you didnt even consciously notice it before but now you say “oh, you’re the reason ive been craving ice cream, you smell minty” if it was only that subtle then i think im generally fond of more smoky incense-y smells like sandalwood, or roses but i am picky about rose fragrances, so it has to actually smell just like fresh roses or i wont be able to overlook that the smell is not roses. I have this friend who went to my middle school, and we were very into scents and making potpourri and things. At the time, his grandma had a hand soap that smelled exactly like roses, it was delightful and he said as much and I said that it sounded amazing but I’d have to take his word for it, but then the next time he visited her he came back with a little jar of it for me just so i could smell it, and he was right, it smelled just like roses. Actually forget the roses, it will make me think of the hand soap and as lovely as that is I dont want to give anyone vying for my affection any reason to feel like they’re in competition with someone, or something. It’s not a competition. Learn to coexist with my memories, because you’re not going to fight my nostalgia and win.

17. what’s the most attractive thing a person could wear?

If you’re wearing something knit or embroidered that you made yourself Im definitely gonna want to talk to you. Also if you’re wearing really comfy looking cargo pants but thats probably because i want to know where you got them so i can get some for me.

19. snow, rain, or sun?

Sun because people will take a walk with me

23. what’s your dream wedding like?

Dont have one but if i did its in a forest or at least a grove of trees. Mostly small gathering, family and close friends. I have a dress for the vows i guess, just because ive seen a lot of Say Yes to the Dress so thats how ive generally pictured it, (which i only really do when im watching Say Yes to the Dress), but ive got comfortable shoes, and im gonna change into pants asap after. We probably do some corny thing thats kind of an inside joke. Each of us has a Best Man or equivalent, who carries a sword — we joke that this makes it a “traditional” wedding, though beyond that it’s really not meant to be. It’s mostly simple, though maybe have a little extravagance or two, like a chocolate fountain, because how often do you have an excuse to have a chocolate fountain. I tend to wander off from other peoples weddings somewhere in the middle, at some point i just get a little overstimulated, and the amount of people that will likely be invited makes this probable. At the reception, when the families and friends are singing and dancing, i probably quietly excuse myself to my spouse and drift away, finding a spot in a tree where i can still hear the music and the laughter from a distance. I am joined not long after by my spouse (and the thought is strange, and even then i cant quite wrap my mind around that word yet, the commitment it implies) who knows where to look for me, and who perhaps pulls a leaf or two from my hair as they join me on an adjacent branch. We sit quietly together for some time until it seems appropriate to rejoin the festivities, as it is our wedding after all, and the slow dance is coming up, and we will spend some quiet time later when everyone has gone home. It is nice, the dancing, and as tired as we are we still drift around the dance floor among loved ones long into the night.

I dont know if this is like... how i intend my wedding to be. Like i said i didnt have an answer going in. But now that im trying to imagine it, this feels realistic.

29. are you single?

Yup!

31. guitar or piano?

Piano. First of all because i am better at piano than guitar and second because you can do duets on one piano

37. do you like to dance?

Aw hell yeah!! I would call myself an... Inexperienced dancer, but if a song has a good rhythm or even if it doesnt and i am full of energy i WILL be moving and twisting and you ARE welcome to join me

41. favorite soda?

I usually go for lighter ones like orange or sprite. I found Lime fanta at a gas station once that tasted like green jello and it was good but ive only seen it maybe twice ever.

43. favorite ABBA song?

Gimme Gimme Gimme always gets me on my feet, and ive listened to it probably the most because it’s on my “Dates and Times Playlist” (the first line says ‘half past 12’ and then the chorus says ‘after midnight’ so its in with a collection of other midnight songs. Any time i hear any of the others i get this one in my head as well. Thatd just how it is.)

47. do you think about love a lot?

No

[eggshellsreview]

Steven Universe Review (Seasons 4 & 5)

Season 3 of Steven Universe shaked the life and world of our protagonists quite a bit. Now we take some new information and use that unravel the mysteries left behind the Crystal Gems.

I really dont even know where to start with these last chapters of the Steven Universe story. Where Season 3 felt like the best of Season 1 with a lot more expansion to world building, Season 5 felt like Season 1 and Season 3 fused to make the mega seasons that is Season 4 and 5.

The reason I call refer to these as mega seasons is because the way it accumlates pretty much every loose thread left from all previous seasons to tie up all those knots. I don't just mean for our protagonists, all the minor characters have their dedicated episodes as tradition in Steven Universe, but in these seasons these episodes tend to be more larger scale and much more satisfying for each character. We don't just see them have a silly one off interaction with Steven to give them something to do, we see these characters finally have some of their own growth as they overcome their own obstacles and internal conflicts shown in previous episodes to give them the same love we've experienced with the main protagonists.

Of course some characters are, and have been, just objectively more prominent and influential than others and we see those get even more attention as they explore their own self discovery filled adventures spanning over multiple episodes, and even tying into the main plot of the show with Steven. This makes these side plots not only enjoyable and wholesome, but gives them incentive to actually exist when these characters start to shape as much change in Beach City as everyone else.

This is incredibly important to the central plot because there are multiple moments where our protagonists find themselves just having to sit and wait as certain events unfold, but now don't have nothing to do. This is a major step up from my complaints a while ago in Season 2 where the side character stories hindered the overall experience rather than enhance it.

Another highlight of this season includes antagonist. We don't really get many from the show minus some random corrupted gems for missions (Not to say the ones we do get dont suffice. Season 1's Peridot and Jasper were phenomenal), but man these seasons were loaded with so many thought out antagonists. From minor ones, to ones lasting multiple episodes, to reoccuring ones, and of course, the big encounters with the Diamonds. These seasons satisfied all the different types of solutions for me. There were physical fights against these antagonists, there were out smarting them, there were converting them, there were losing to them which is all possible due to the *universe* the shows been building piece by piece since season 1 finally coming together perfectly. Nothing about these seasons ever felt small because how freely they were able to include what they wanted, whenever they wanted since its all been introduced on Earth and in space context giving these story elements the freedom to exist wherever they want if written well thought out enough.

Before we get into the elephant in the room, I do wanna clarify again, of course these seasons are filled with what you can expect as per Steven Universe tradition; excellent songs, top tier scenery and colors, and just all that good stuff. I know its lame to kind of just briefen that up because theyre such a core aspect of the show's great quality, but I've been saying this for several reviews and its really just be easier to reassure that its still there rather than reiterate the effects of it again.

Now that everything is about covered, we can finally about the finale. The 45 minute long special to end the series and wrap whatever is left to wrap up. Firstly, I want to state I understand why its a bit controversial. I get the complaints. And I sincerely think the flaws that get pointed out are valid. I won't get into spoilers, but all that being said, I can say that I really enjoyed the finale.

I feel that with this show, there's only so many ways in the spectrum of solutions for conflicts to be resolved in this show. Not because "its a kids show" or whatever, but because the themes and messages linked so heavily with our protagonists. Because of that, even with my own complaints, I can at least understand why the show resolved it's biggest obstacle in the finale way that it did, but I'm not just giving it a pass, because it did hinder the last episode for me a bit. However the finale also managed to squeeze in some really good stuff to balance it out (in my opinion). Some of it is more satisfying than others, some may seem last second tossed in for fan service, but objectively it was at least still really darn fun. I feel like the show wasnt entirely sure what its future would look like in terms of Cartoon Network going through with what it has planned and preferred to rush some moments rather than potentially never having those moments air at all. Unfortunately pretty much the entirety of the finale season cant be talked about without spoilers so I kind of have to leave it at that.

All in all though, I found myself satisfied enough. I was hestitant starting the show as it took me several years and a few pushes to even consider starting it when I finally did, but I will say that I do not regret it at all. Steven Universe carried so many gorgeous elements that I think about on a daily basis and just love to have welcomed into my life. Its a show I definitely plan to show the younger people in my life because I think they deserve a show like this early on their life. This was an incredible experience that marked this as my favorite animated series of all time and it's a show I ENTIRELY intend to keep talking about on this blog to express thoughts about specific moments I want to break down more.

I give these two final seasons a rating of 9/10 as the flaws and complaints I have are ones that I feel are well made up with the other episodes in these seasons having essentially peak writing for the show. That being said, I've already watched Steven Universe: The Movie and will be sharing my thoughts on that very shortly as I then join the wait for Steven Universe: Future with the rest of the lovely fan base!

[bel0vedmendes]

An Angel Among the Angels : Part 7

THIS IS IT! FINAL PART! :)

Shawn x Reader

Word count: 1,800

Warnings: language

Series Discription: Y/N is working behind the scenes at the VS Fashion Show, and Shawn has his sights set on her. She can’t believe he would even look her way, considering they’re literally surrounded by Angels.

*not my gif* Also, obviously this gif is from Hot Ones but I imagine this is what he would look like if he was so happy that he started to cry. ya know? k.

Seeing Shawn perform is something that will never get old to me. The pure joy that radiates from him is indescribable. I watched him as he played for 50,000 people at a festival in Paris. I sang along from side stage, giggling as he pushes his hair back for the millionth time. I made a mental note to remind him to get a haircut soon, even though I really loved how his curls hung in front of his face.

The show eventually came to an end and the next performer started to set the stage for their performance. Shawn runs off the stage, basically tackling me in the process. His arms tight around my waist both of us in a fit of giggles as he picks me up off the ground. His lips crashing into mine hard, smiling into our kiss. He was always so high on adrenaline when he finished a show like this. It was intoxicating and contagious, everyone around felt it. It was one of the many reasons I loved him. 

He sets me down taking my face in his hands kissing my temple delicately.

“Okay, baby. Andrew is gonna take you back to the hotel to get ready. Then I’m gonna come get you after my interviews. Date night in Paris!” He said as he was being ushered away from me, still holding my hand until he couldn’t anymore.

I just shook my head, and smiled at him.

“See you soon!” I said waving to bye to him.

“I love you!” He screams to me, and mimics being dragged away against his own will. Andrew and I both laughing at his hysterics.

Andrew finally gets us into a van to head to the hotel. It was quiet for a while, and I couldn’t figure out why. Normally Andrew was super talkative and carefree but right now it seemed like there was a lot on his mind.

“You okay?” I ask turning towards him.

“You know, I was just thinking. I remember when he came to visit you here two years ago, and I thought you were just a phase for him.” He says quietly.

I take a deep breath remembering it as well. Specifically, remembering reading the text that Andrew sent him. The text that almost ended things before they begun.

“I remember that too.” I say raising my eyebrows.

“God he was just so persistent about you. Every meeting we had before that, all he could do was talk about you. I even told him he shouldn’t come see you in Paris. Can you imagine what would have happened if he had listened?” He asks me rhetorically.

I bite my lip shaking my head, because it wasn’t something I liked to think about. Shawn was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

“You are everything that he’s ever needed, y/n. You know that right? You make him whole.”

My heart instantly got a little heavier. I knew that Shawn confided in Andrew and his team a lot, and just the thought of him saying these things to them made my heart so full.

“He’s everything to me, too.” I smile softly at him.

We finally pull up to the hotel, Andrew gushing a little longer. He was quite emotional tonight and I loved seeing this side of him. He hugs me and opens the door for me to get out in front of the hotel and walks me inside. I finally get to my room to find a beautiful red dress, new stilettos, jewelry, and a note.

My Angel,

You’re all that I need in this world to get through.

When I think home, I think of you.

I love you so much, It’s sometimes hard to express.

But, I can’t wait to see how you look in this dress.

See you at 7. xx

Love,

Shawn    

 I set the note down, grinning from ear to ear. He wrote me a fucking poem. I held the dress up to my body, more excited than I had been in a long time. We had been together for over 2 years now, and we really didn’t go on dates like this. He was always romantic but when it came down to it, we were always more into staying home and just enjoying each other’s presence.

I did my makeup a bit more than usual, curled my hair, then put on the outfit Shawn had picked out for me. I stood in front of the mirror a few times, checking myself from all angles. I was so excited to see how he was going to respond to me in this dress. Within a few minutes, there was a knock at my hotel room door.

I open the door, surprised to see Marco standing on the other side. The man who helped Shawn and I in Paris two years ago. I greet him with a hug, still slightly confused.

“Ma’am Shawn is waiting for you downstairs!” He says holding his arm out for me. We walk downstairs, and out of the hotel through a side entrance. As we exited the building I saw a limo sitting on the street and as I got closer Shawn got out of the Limo, walking up to me. The suit on his body fitting him so perfectly. Navy blue with a white button up underneath, perfect for his skin tone. His hair bouncing back and forth on his head as he walked, maybe I wouldn’t remind him to cut his hair. Fuck he looked so good.  His grin from ear to ear, and the blush on his cheeks so contagious I felt my own cheeks start to heat up.

“Babyyyyy.” He says in a raspy tone as I walk towards him, he holds his hand out to me. I get close enough to take it, he instantly pulls me into him. Kissing me hard, his hands finding my waist. He suddenly takes my hand stepping away from me and turning me in a circle as he does.

“Damn baby, you look stunning.” He says quietly, somehow still capable of giving me butterflies.

“Me? Look at you! I say squeezing his bicep that was tight in his suit jacket. We both head for the limo, both laughing at how obsessed with each other we are. We cuddle up in the backseat, making out like a couple of teenager under the bleachers. It felt so good though, everything always felt good when I was with him. Finally we pull away from each other and he smiles down at me clearing his throat.

“So, Marco is going to take us somewhere special.” He tells me as his thumb cleans up my lipstick that’s smudged from our make out session. Then he slowly tucks a stray hair behind my ear. I hum in response, not really caring where we go, as long as I was with him.

The limo starts to drive over cobblestone and I look out the window and I notice were nearing the Eiffel Tower. I start to smile up at Shawn. Once we arrive, Shawn takes my hand helping me out of the car. Marco soon finding us and taking us to the same exact entrance as a few years ago. He unlocks the gate and I stay silent not asking any questions, but I know he has something planned. He brings me to the bench where we sat last time in front of the Eiffel Tower, this time food and flowers displayed in front of the bench on a large blanket.

“I thought a picnic at the Eiffel Tower might be nice.” He says shyly. I shake my head at him, kissing him instantly. He over did himself.

We sit down on the blanket and start to eat  some of the food, and drink the wine. Taking in the beautiful scenery. Memories of our last experience in this exact spot dancing in the back of my brain.

“You did so good tonight at your show.” I tell him as I take a sip from my wine glass.

“It was so much fun, I feel really good today.” He says smiling at me.

“What’s got you in such a good mood?”

“Everything. My job is amazing. My fans are incredible. But mostly, you. You make everything so easy.” His tone gets a little more serious. He talks like this all the time to me but something felt different, serious, this time. He slowly starts to stand up, hold his hand out to help me on my feet as well.

“Lets dance, its kind of a tradition now.” He laughs as he starts to play Cant Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley. The song he sang to me the last time we were hear. My heart pounds just thinking about it. We sway to the song as he hums softly. His hand gently on my waist, I rest my head softly on his chest. His heart was beating so hard, I could feel it against my cheek. I look up at him and scrunch my eyebrows together, wondering why he’s so nervous right now. All of a sudden he gets down on one knee in front of me. I can’t breathe and I feel like I might faint. He takes my hands in his, looking up at me with the softest eyes I’ve ever seen in my life.

“Y/N, two years ago we danced in this exact spot. That was the exact moment I knew I wanted to love you forever. I also almost lost you shortly after that, which made me really understand what you meant to me. Two years later, and nothing has changed. You mean everything to me. The fact that I get to call you mine makes me feel like the luckiest man in the entire world. I want to spend my whole life making memories with you. Y/N, will you marry me?” he proposes, opening a grey box to show me the huge diamond ring inside.”

“Yes, oh my god Shawn. Yes!” I squeal with tears streaming down my face as he slides the ring on the my finger. I hold my hand out obsessed with the ring already. He stands taking my face in his hands and kissing me hard. Our tears mixing together as we celebrate getting engaged. He pulls away, both of us breathing heavily.

“I cant wait to spend forever with you.” He says quietly.

“I love you so much, Shawn.”

“I love you too, my Angel.”

He rest his forehead on mine as we stand there for a moment enjoying the thoughts of where we had been and what’s to come. Radiating happiness knowing that we had found true love in each other. 

a/n: I love writing this series! I'm already writing another Shawn X Reader series, but I want to take request for awhile before I start posting a new series! So send any ideas my way! Thanks guys! 

[neotericbitch]

a sequel to DarqAnon

part the first

It’s quite abusive, there I said it, how you’re allowed to force a ritual onto a child, whether it be reciting an anthem or staring at the sun, before their brain has developed enough to comprehend the significance. In fact, doing so makes it more likely that as the child grows up, they will never truly find meaning in the action! How sad is that? I’d never force anything on my son.

Growing up, staring into the sun was something I never understood. For a long time I didn’t, I couldn’t conceive of the satisfaction or happiness my family derived from it. It meant something to them, so they tried to teach it to me, but it never meant anything to me. I understood that the sun was their god, but because I never truly believed, I couldn’t grasp how or why it would be important to them to stare up at it, burning their eyeballs out of their sockets. Their god was sending a clear message, do not look at me. Why would they do it anyway?

Oh, but - do keep in mind that that’s all in the past. I understand now. I understand perfectly.

Valkyrie Cain has the most brilliant black eyes. Truly, her every feature is marvellous, her sharp nose, her expressive mouth - but I always go back to the eyes. For Crandall, it’s her hands. They’ve shared many times over many meetings, to the point where I find it very annoying, that they want nothing more than to feel her hands on the sides of their head before she crushes it. I think it’s a nice little fantasy to have, just stop telling us about it. I have only ever shared what I wanted two, maybe three times. That’s an acceptable amount of times! Any more is overdoing it, Crandall! Crandall, I know you’re listening. I’ve been able to feel it even when a very good Sensitive is in my head, Crandall, and you are not a very good Sensitive.

Beside me they turn their head away. Why would they want to listen to my thoughts, anyway, when Valkyrie is here? I suppose I understand their hesitance. Darquesse, goodness - Darquesse wouldn’t stand for anyone hearing her thoughts, absolutely not! To attempt it on her would be a high offence. But Crandall, if you’re still listening, I’d say go ahead for the time being. Darquesse isn’t here. Not yet.

Looking at her, it all makes sense. I want to call up my mother and tell her I understand, I understand wanting - needing! - to look at something, even if it does not want you to. The sun may try to blind you. Valkyrie may glare and scream and curse. But you simply cannot look away.

I cannot call up my mother, of course. She has been dead for a hundred years, and I’m busy right now - and I don’t think there’s mobile phone reception here anyway.

For this week’s Thursday meeting, 6 to 7:30, we have made a temporary move from the community hall to the vault, generously donated for DA’s use by Nicki, who we had to murder. Dear girl, she didn’t want to let me hold the meeting here this week. I suggested it at the end of last week’s meeting and everyone was very excited. A hundred meters beneath the spot where Darquesse opened her portal to another dimension and disappeared - we’re so lucky to have this place! Of course everyone wants to come here whenever we have the opportunity! But Nicki said no. Nicki said to me, “Isserley, these meetings have been really great, you are a good organiser and I’m very happy to have met everyone, but I think what you’re planning is wrong. Please return the vault key to me.” So we had to kill her.

And here we are tonight, and I almost wish Nicki were here so I could say, to think you didn’t want this! The meeting is going very well, I think it’s our best one yet. 6:40 and we’re just about to finish setting up, we’re a neat little group of people. We won’t go over time at all! I’d like to say that I, being an incredibly organised person, have been a good influence on my fellow DA-goers.

Salma finishes painting the symbol on the ground. Her designs are ugly, but she has a steady hand and knows how best to use the petrol paste, a very special concoction. No one else could have done this job - though I must admit, I am a bit envious. Easy, Isserley! Remember, your job is the most important. Without you, this wouldn’t work. Without you, Valkyrie would not even be here.

Salma reaches for Valkyrie. She thrashes wildly - and I can’t say I blame her! I wouldn’t want Salma to touch me, either! Haha. But it really won’t do for her to behave this way, we really need her complete cooperation, so I motion to Respite at the wall and he turns the crank, tightening the chains attached to the bound cuffs at her every limb. She is pulled tight, and by the sounds of it it’s not a very comfortable experience, but now she is tense and mostly still - perfect for Salma to draw the symbol on her wrists and stomach.

She puts up a hell of a fight when Respite disconnects the chains from the wall and reconnects them to the floor, at each corner of where the symbol has been painted so she is now seated in the centre. I can’t help but smile! She reminds me of one of those beautiful shrine maidens. If only I’d thought of that earlier. I would have put this off one more week and gotten an outfit made. But the clothes she put on herself this morning are more than lovely. Darquesse will like them. Darquesse will like being back.

Valkyrie keeps straining and trying to get up, the poor dear! I wish I could go over there and pat her face, like I used to pat my son’s when he was resisting me - I wish I could tell her everything will be alright. But I know, even chained and without magic, she could certainly find a way to kill me if I were within reach. And I don’t want her to kill me until the ritual is complete, of course! Otherwise what would be the point?

“I don’t even know,” Valkyrie growls - what a good word for it! Indeed, she is doing her very best to sound deep, dark and scary. Soon it will come naturally. “I don’t even know what you think this will do. It’s not a full moon, or a blood moon, or any kind of moon. It’s not a magical day, it’s not a holiday, it’s not even a day that means anything to me.”

It’s my birthday, but don’t tell anyone that. It’s my special little secret, my gift to myself.

“This sigil is totally made-up. It’s not going to do anything.” She tries to raise her hand to her face to wipe off some sweat, but the chain is too short. “Let me go and I’ll make it quick - because when Skulduggery gets here, he certainly fucking won’t.”

I crouch down to be on her level, and I’m filled with such...reverence. I understand. I understand. This is what I was supposed to feel kneeling in the sweltering heat for hours on end. I’m glad I feel it here instead.

“You will kill us,” I say. “But we’re not going to uncuff you, you’ll do that yourself.”

“What are you talking about?” She is so exasperated and so irritated and so wonderful. “These cuffs are bound. It doesn’t matter how great you think I am, I’m not that strong.”

“You will be! You will be.” In the corner of my vision I see Salma fidgeting. Salma!!! You’re ruining this!! To make her stop, I gesture at her so she can speak and stop annoying everyone with her movements.

“The sigil you’re sitting on,” she fires off in her horrible, grating voice, “and the sigils that are on you are my own designs. Just because you haven’t seen them before doesn’t mean they won’t work. They’ll work.” Her lip trembles and she bows her head. “I’m sorry you don’t...believe in me.”

Valkyrie stares for a moment. “You’re completely nuts.” Nuts! Aah! That’s the word I use to describe her! How exciting!

“They’ll work, I swear. I promise. We only need to activate them, and...” Salma looks to me. Unfortunately, I have to stand up now and go back to looking down on Valkyrie. It’s okay, though. It’s okay. Soon she’ll be looking down on me.

For now, she doesn’t look at me at all. She looks down at where she’s put her arms on her knees, wrists facing out. Perhaps Supreme Mage Sorrows once gave her a lesson on what certain strokes can mean, perhaps she’s trying to work out how to counteract our symbol.

She’s fabulous and smart, yes, but she won’t be able to work it out. I am confident. I snap my fingers, summoning a bright, orange flame into my hand. She lifts her head, looks me directly in the eye, and I smile widely. Very widely. Not widely enough. I hope, before Darquesse kills me, she at least takes the time to appreciate what I’m doing for her. I hope she recognises how much I love her. No - I don’t hope. I know. She will. She must.

I take a step forward and crouch again, reaching my hand out to the edge of the symbol on the ground. My flame will catch onto the petrol paste and spread immediately. Valkyrie will be burned, but only a little bit! Just a little bit. Long enough for the fire to catch the symbols on her skin, and she will be protected - and Darquesse will be summoned back into her. She will be complete again.

Before my flame touches the paste, Valkyrie shoots her hand out and smudges the line, which gives me just about the fright of my life! Thank goodness I have such incredible reflexes, otherwise I wouldn’t have jerked my hand away in time. The paste would have caught on fire and surely burned her to death! She rubs her wrists together, wiping away the symbols written there, then kicks her legs out from under her so she’s in a more traditional butt-to-ground position, but that means she’s made the ground symbol worse and displaced dirt into my face.

It’s hard to love her when she has literally blinded me. That whole thing about the sun and everything, it was more of a metaphor. I still love her of course! I’m only taken aback. Anything I may say as I fall backwards isn’t really my fault, since she’s the one who kicked dirt in my eyes. It's more of my reflexes. I never would say anything of the sort to her under normal circumstances. Never.

“You bitch!”

What an inconvenience. I don’t get to see any of what happens next! I only hear the door flying open and gunshots, the sounds of my people yelling and trying to fight. Punches, kicks, bodies falling to the ground. When I hear Salma scream and feel her blood land on my face, I can’t help it! I can’t help it but think, serves you right for putting a cent in the collection tray every week!

“Skulduggery, the-”

“Valkyrie. Are you alright?” Is that him getting on his knees? Maybe he understands after all. “Are you hurt?”

“My skin’s burning, let me loose so I can get this shit off me. The crank on the wall, I think that controls the cuffs.”

I roll onto my side and wipe the dirt from my eyes. I hear Pleasant at the wall, turning the crank back and hitting the release. It’s terribly uncomfortable, but I can open my eyes and see well enough - and what I see is Crandall dead next to me! It’s such a shock, my heart skips at least three beats. That rotten Pleasant. What a barbarian. I lift my head as carefully as I can, so I won’t be noticed. Valkyrie has lifted her shirt to get the symbol off her stomach and cannot see me.

This is so unfair. I put so much work into this plan. It was so hard to trap her! I was going to bring Darquesse back. Me. Not Crandall, not Salma. Not Nicki. Her black eyes would have bored into my skull and killed me and I would have been good and happy. Huh! Maybe I'm not too different to those Faceless worshippers who go blowing themselves up in public places.

“Isserley. I thought that was you.” Pleasant. Pleasant is talking to me. “How have you been?”

Valkyrie snaps her head up at him. “You know her?”

“We’ve seen her in the High Sanctuary.”

“Jesus. Is there anyone you don’t remember.”

“No.” He reaches out and wipes the rest of the symbol off her stomach in one motion. I have dirt in my eyes but I see how her tummy kind of curls in a bit as she drops her shirt down.

That should be me. That should be me. I love her more than anyone. I burst into tears.

“She tried to set me on fire.”

“I think a list of people who haven’t tried to set you on fire would be shorter than a list of those who have.” I hear the clink of handcuffs. “Come on, now, Isserley.”

I let my head drop back onto the ground and stare up at the ceiling. I do not take one more look at Valkyrie. I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy. I failed. “Why don’t you just kill me.” I’m not even aware of myself saying it, to be honest! Just one of those things that...slips out...

“She makes a good point, Skulduggery.”

“Can’t be done. We should leave at least one cultist alive to arrest, so why not take the woman in charge?”

“How do you know she’s the one in charge?”

His terrible skull fills my vision as he looks down at me. You know, hearing him talk this much at one time has jogged my memory. And he does happen to wear very beautiful suits. My mouth falls open. “You’re-”

Valkyrie was startled for a moment by the sudden gunshot. Shoulders tensed, she looked over to Skulduggery standing over the woman, gun still pointed into a face that didn’t really exist anymore.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked as he put the revolver away. Skulduggery came over to her and brushed some hair out of her face, went back to fussing over the injuries she sustained on her way here.

“Too talkative,” he said, and she laughed and teased him about being a hypocrite.

[rainbowdoom32]

So I'm going to start identifying myself as aspec. Previously I identified as a bisexual aromantic but upon furthur consideration I might be asexual.

I'm posting about this b/c 1) it puts it out there and makes the lable feel more real and tangible

2) I know some of y'all IRL or on a personal enough basis that I feel you should know

3) A queers need more visibilty in gen

4) cause I want to talk abouy it

So Idk how to do a read more and am on mobile so if you dont want to hear about what being aspec means to me start scrolling now

So. In the aspec community (do we have a better word?) theres an overwhelming discourse about sexual and romantic repulsion. For those of you who dont know thats when the idea of sex , sexual content, sex itself, the idea of romance, romantic gestures, and/or romantic content acts as a squick for you it creates some spectrum of a revulsion in you to be confronted with one or more of these things. Its an overwhelming discourse for many reasons but the one I want to talk about is that it makes it obvious that your ace or aro if your repulsed by sex or romance. The process for discovering your aspec identity is easier in a way, specifically in a way it isnt for me.

See I dont experience sexual or romantic repulsion. I like romance stories and porn. I actively seek these things out. I'm not put off by discussions of others romantic or sexual lives (specific aspects may repulse me but in general I'm interested in these especially when coming from people I care about). So naturally as a teenager I never considered myself as aspec. i considered myself bisexual almost immediatly (there was a thing where I thought I was tricking myself into thinking I liked women to be included in the queer community. More on that later) it took two very short very middle school esque (one took place my sophmore year) relationships and an accidental internet encounter with the concept of aromantisim for me to realise that the reason this wasnt working for me was because I didnt really want it.

The more I thought of myself as aro the more things made sense. At the slumber parties as a kid I never had a crush to confess. Those two failed relationshios? Guy friends I'd gotten real close to and thought my new stronger friendship feelings must be what romantic attraction feels like. Also the real sticker, I dont get jealousy in romance at all. Like that one goes over my head. I dont understand why cheating is the worst thing someone can do in a relationship to the point that people who've been sucked into a cycle of abuse and have become convinced everything is their fault will snap when they discover they were cheated on. That is absolutly mind boggling for me.

The point of that is I never got that ew ick romance feeling. As a reult the road to discovering I was aromantic was long and and full of doubt. Doubt that went along the lines of "Maybe I just havent found the right person". Which also happens to be the exact thing my mum says to me everytime I try to explain that Im aromantic to her. Bisexuality she understands and accepts. This she doesnt. So even though I know intellectually theres no right person for me that niggling doubt remains andit haunts me.

Now im going to devolve a bit here and I know what this sounds like but im seriously not trying to be offensive just explain something

See I read a fanfic recently. I dont remeber how I found it but it was a Stony fic and the story and the set up were very romantic cliche. Basically Steve was Tony's booty call it evolves to friends with benefits Steve falls in love. Textbook stuff. But see theres a wrench because the author identifies as aromantic is with the definition we have aromantic. They write their identity onto Tony. Thats something we do in fanfic and in writing. But the problem I ran into is this: the author identifies as aromantic because they experience romantic repulsion(yes they told me this) so in the fic Tony is in love with Steve but experiences romantic repulsion. The idea of romance of romantic commitment makes him anxious and sick. This is how the author feels FWB allows them to experience intimacy without triggering their repulsion. Identifying as atomantic makes them feel not broken. This so good right? This is why we have labels

Except. When I read this part of the story it hurt me. Directly. See Tong Stark has Daddy Issues. Ehen the author wrote about Tony's romantic repulsion narritevly they tied it into Tony's not nice childhood. I dont know specifically why it wasnt part of thwir explanation when I told them their story hurt me. I didnt ask. But this narritive decision made what was essentially was an author expressing their experience as an aromantic in a story feel like a personal attack against my aromantic identity.

See when I read that what I read was "Tony Stark cant commit to an actual relationship with Steve Rogers because Howard Starks Grade A parenting fucked up his ability to recieve expressions of love and his ability to commit. Tony Stark is in romantic love with Steve Rogers but his childhood trauma prevents him from expresing it in the traditional manner this is what being aromantic is"

That hurt. Because it hit that little doubt in my head about not having met the "right person" and mixed it up with some childhood trauma made you a broken person. It also hit me while I felt safe. Romance stories are my escapism. Their like an extra element of fantasy in a story for me. I specifically seek out romantic stories as a comforting mechanism. Fanfics in particular because of their inclusivity. I was in my safe space, and I was whammed in a sore spot.

The problem is though the author has a right to that story and that label and to express themselves. We usually draw the line at self expression where it hurts other people but thats not what happened here. What happened here was definitial confusion. The author and I were using "aromantic" to describe two different but similar romantic orientations. In doing so we hurt each other ironically in the same way. We both said to each other "Your identity is wrong and toxic you hurt people and yourself by expressing it the way you do". (I left a comment saying how her story affected me)

When I say I'm aromantic I mean I experience no romantic feelings. None nada zilch. The idea that I might one day experience a type of romantic feeling is an aggression against me. The same way the idea that gay people can choose to be straight is an aggression against being gay.

But I can't invalidate someone else to protect myself. What do I do? I dont want to hurt myself and I dont want to hurt other people? Idk

And now to why I no longer identify as bisexual.

I'm a virgin. Because most peoples first time is with someone their in a romantic relationship with. And we'll I dont do that. Im also a socially anxious person. I have no idea how to instogate a sexual encounter and honeslty I wouldnt feel comftorable dping it with someone I couldnt trust or alternatively someone I'm friends with and would have to continue being juat friends with in post we had sex awkwardness. So ive never had an opportunity to have sex.

But I also havent sought them out. And I dont feel particularly driven to. These are reasons to think your asexual but I'm sure it's also the experience of many introverted and secually awkawrd people. And it's not like I couldnt have sex at some future point. Even now if an opportunity arose I might say yes, of only to confirm my asexuality.

The thing that has made me actually consider if I'm ace tho is a weird quirk of mine. I cant get off to prom videos. I use lit erotica. Why? Cause the idea that those are real live people puts me off. Porn stars and amateur porn makers know people get off watching their videos. Theyre okay with that. But I'm not. At all. Thats a big ol nope for me.

See I'm a ciswoman. Which means I have a clitoris. An organ whose only purpose is to provide pleasure. As everyone knows reciving pleasure via the clit requires no participation by a second person. The fact that my clitiros functions as intended and that I use it isnt sexual attraction.

Thats a new idea for me. But it's true isnt it? Sexual attraction is about other people. And sure I can appreciate other people's hotness. But just because I think a horse is pretty doesnt mean I want to fuck it. Remeber that thing about thinking I was faking bisexuality?? I was right. I wasnt sexually attracted to women. But what I hadnt bothered to consider because of heteronormativity was that I wasnt sexually attracted to men either.

Other fun fact in case you might be an ace person who's read this far (why? Also hi Katie and possibly Sadie but definelty Nishat. No im not implying any of you are ace) I dont have sex dreams. But I do have dreams in which I masturbate. So stick that jn your pipe and smoke it.

Anyways these are all experinces that I have that I feel neccessry to share to make it so the repulsion story isnt the only one out there. And also to start a discourse about how experiencing and not experiencing repulsion affect aspec experience. Thanks for reading!

[prettyyoungtragedy]

One last time ...

One last time…

Prompt 4. “Listen I know I can’t just show up at your apartment at six in the morning, but I need coffee, and no one makes it like you do”

(POST BREAK-UP AU)

Steve x reader

 Summary: The reader is trying to move on from her breakup with the love of her life, but he can’t seem to stay away…

 A/N: This is a one-shot for @jurassicbarnes challenge, #jbwinterchallenge ... it’s a little inspired by Zayn Malik’s song -TiO, its linked if you want to listen to it while you read!

 Word Count:1968

 Warnings: Angst, and a little smut...

 Your phone buzzing beside you are 2am in the morning, woke you. groaning you turned over and looked at the screen, the brightness practically blinding you. You sit up and turn on the light beside your bed, and look at the screen again,

‘Steve Rogers’

You sighed and rejected the call, it had been the fourth time that week he had called you and you didn’t have the guts to answer it just yet. You knew if he was calling you this early in the morning, it meant he was probably drunk somewhere, drunkenly dialing you and asking for you to come meet him or to say he misses you.

The screen lights up again, a message from Steve. You open the texts and felt a dull ache in your chest as you scroll through them.

‘I miss you…’

‘I need to see you…’

‘Please answer my calls,’

‘I need to hear your voice’

‘You’re my whole world,’

Immediately you began typing out a response,

‘If I was your whole world, you wouldn’t have slept with another woman,’

You knew this response was going to start a whole torrent of other arguments between the two of you, but you didn’t care, you were trying to move on, yet Steve kept coming back into your life just when you started to feel okay again. He had done the one thing he promised you he would never do, and it shattered you, your biggest fear in life was being cheated on.

When you walked in on him in the act with one of his female colleagues on a work trip, you felt like your very soul was ripped from your body, nine years of a relationship and building a life together just out the window in a matter of seconds. What was supposed to be a surprise for him turned into your worst nightmare.

He was truly the love of your life, you could not deny that. no matter how much you wanted to pretend otherwise, Steve had been the greatest thing to ever happen to you, he was affectionate, loving, kind and generous to a fault but in a way also very naïve.

Steve claimed they were drunk and it was a mistake but that only made the slap to your face worse, there was no trust left no matter how hard you tried to rebuild it after that. every moment he was away, you were tortured with images of him with another woman, to the point where it began to make you feel like you were going crazy.

You eventually had to end it, it broke you to the core when you had to sit him down and tell him you could no longer be with him, because you couldn’t forgive him. Steve begged you to stay and said he will change but nothing he said would make you change your mind.

‘Y/N, please let me see you, I am begging,’ He replied to your text,

‘Steve, it’s late, please leave me alone.’ You typed out a reply but hesitated in sending it, your heart yearned to see him, to hug him, to kiss his soft lips again. Sighing deeply and holding back tears you push send, then turn your phone off. The last thing you needed to do was keep yourself awake all night texting your ex-boyfriend.

You listlessly fell asleep again, drifting in and out of consciousness throughout the rest of the night.

You were suddenly jolted awake by the sound of banging on your apartment door, your heart hammering in your chest, you freeze, hoping it goes away. After a moment the banging starts again,

Throwing back the covers and pulling on a sweater you go the front door and look out the aperture. Lo and behold its Steve, you sighed frustrated and fling open the door.

Startling Steve as you did so,

“What do you want Steve,” you snap, crossing your arms over your chest. Even in his disheveled state, Steve was still devastatingly handsome.

His gaze falls over you, and his expression softens. “Y/N…” he whispers, almost sounding defeated,

You sighed, you could smell the alcohol on him. “Get in here before you wake my neighbors,” you say ushering him inside.

Steve walks in gingerly, looking around your apartment.

“Why are you here, Steven?” You ask quietly, standing behind him, he turns around and looks at you with sad dazzling blue eyes,

“Listen I know I can’t just show up at your apartment at six in the morning, but I need coffee, and no one makes it like you do” he says shamefacedly, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes.

“You’re joking right?” you reply incredulously, you weren’t surprised really, Steve had always come home from a drunken night out and would wake you to make him coffee. It was his tradition really.

Steve shrugs dejectedly at you, “I need you…” he half whispers,

You could feel yourself caving as you looked at him, standing in the dim light of the passageway.

“Come on,” you groan and led him to the kitchen, ushering him into a chair,

He sits down silently and watches you get to work making two mugs of coffee for the both of you. As you place a mug in front of him, he brushes his hand against yours and you instantly pull it back. You know where this will lead if you let him touch you.

You sit down in front of him, waiting expectantly for him to start talking. He doesn’t for a few minutes, Steve just savors the coffee in his mug,

“Sweetheart,” he begins in a hoarse voice, hearing him call you that made your heart ache again, you flash back to all the memories of him whispering it to you every night before bed when he said he loved you, or when you were stressed, and his solution was to kiss away the stress.

“You will never know just how sorry I am for what I did to you,” Steve said huskily, looking at you with his dazzling blue eyes,

You remain silent, nothing you would say in this moment would accurately describe how you felt. There were feelings of anguish, and happiness and misery, love and hate all at the same time, seeing him and hearing his voice.

“I can’t live without you, I feel as if a part of me is missing…” he said quietly,

You feel like your heart is being crushed all over again as he speaks, you stare listlessly into the mug of coffee before you.

“Please Y/N, just look at me,” Steve begs,

You look up at him, your eyes bright with tears threatening to fall. “What do you expect me to say Steve,” You whisper, clutching your mug tightly

“Tell me how to fix this,” he said, coming to your side, and getting on his knees in front of you.

“I…I cant, Steve, I needed you like I needed air, you were my salvation in this life. You were my heart and soul, I laid myself bare for you, and when I walked into that room you ripped the very life from my body…” You paused, as the tears fell, your breath hitched in your throat, “You broke me in a way I have never been broken before, I cant look at you without feeling a pain that hurts me to my core, I can’t be around you, all I want is to hate you for what you did to me but I can’t and that hurts me even more”,

You stop and look down at him, his blue eyes filled with sadness. You reach down and cup his face, the moment between you was fleeting, it felt for a moment that nothing had happened between the two of you. And suddenly Steve’s lips were crashing against yours, you wanted to stop him but you craved him like your body craved air to survive and you allowed him to kiss you.

He pulled you to your feet, gripping you in a tight embrace continuing to kiss you, fervently. Your hands roamed his muscular chest and reached the hem of his shirt, pulling it off, Steve paused and looked at you, passion in his eyes.

“I love y…” he began to say but you clamp your hand over his mouth,

“Shhh, don’t say anything,” you shushed him and kissed him again,

He obliged and began to strip you, pulling the sweatshirt and t-shirt you wore off in one swift movement, his lips leaving yours for only a second. He picked you up and you wrapped your legs around his waist, the two of you had done this so many times, as he guided the two of you to the bedroom, your lips never breaking contact.

Steve tumbled with you onto the bed, stripping you both entirely naked. Your body felt like fire under his touch, after all these years, sex with Steve still set your soul alight. You gasped slightly as he extended himself into you, biting your neck as he did so. You shut your eyes and let your body go with the motions of love making with Steve, he knew every spot to touch, every kiss to give you, he knew your reactions, and you knew his.

He moves languidly above you, as he kisses you. Soft moans escaping your lips, the rhythm he had built was perfect and you tumble into ecstasy not too long after, Steve following shortly after.

Steve lay next to you, gazing at you. Beside him you lay on your back staring at the ceiling, somehow this morning with him gave you the weird closure that you needed. It was strange to think but sex with him brought your chapter with him to a close, you would always love him to infinity and beyond but in a way that love had passed into something different after this.

“What are you thinking about” Steve asked, brushing his hand against your jaw,

You turned to face him and gave him a small smile, “I love you so much Steve, and in a way I am glad you came to see me tonight…It kind of gave me the closure I needed,” you kiss his cheek, “You will always have my heart but I think its time we bot moved on, you needed this as much as I did”

He was quiet for a moment then sighed and sat up, “I wish I could go back to that day, I would take it all back,” he said,

You sat up with him, covering yourself with your bed sheet, and leaned your head on his hulky shoulder, “I wish we could go back to but we can’t… I am grateful for the time I had with you, because they were the best years of my life”

Steve looked at you, with a certain gentleness in his eyes that he only reserved for you, “You deserve the sun, the stars, the whole cosmos Y/N, I am sorry I couldn’t give it to you,” he said quietly,

“Its okay, I am glad we got one last time,” You whisper and then plant a soft kiss on his lips.

 Enjoy!

xxx

[ff7central]

Creator Spotlight: Waifujuju

Mod Miri here, with the first in our series of Creator Spotlights. This time the random number generator has summoned for us artist @waifujuju. I’ve gotten a few commissions from Juju, and have been following her for a while. (I even have some of her motivational art on my cubicle wall at work.)

Want to be on a future spotlight? Sign up on the FF7Central directory to get in on the list: https://goo.gl/forms/u0h5rJXmgv40zX9m2

Miri: Which of your works is the most memorable to you? I don’t necessarily mean favourite or best work, it could be the work that taught you the most making it or that holds a special reason in its creation.

Juju: Probably my comic of Cloud put to the lyrics of Halsey's "Control." It took a super long time throughout a period of struggling but it turned out really well despite everything! It's an idea I've had for a long while and it was great to finally put it into action. Plus, it was fantastic practice for composition and panelling! ( http://waifujuju.tumblr.com/post/149415194224/cloud-weekday-4-lyrics-control-by-halsey )

Miri: Comments on the reblog, or in the tags. Do you have a preference?

Juju: I love the comments I get either way, but the ones in tags tend to be more fun since people seem to like to scream in the tags! My favorite tags are ones where people who reblog my art just type in all caps or say something like "good job op."

Miri: Who is your favourite character from the FFVII setting? What do you love about them?

Juju: Cloud Strife for sure! I could write an essay on all the ways I love his character and all the intricacies of his character but I'll just leave it with I love his personality and character growth! He's a really outstanding protagonist who inspires a lot of strength and endurance.

Miri: Favourite media to work in?

Juju: I mostly work with traditional and digital art! Digital is a lot of fun to experiment with lighting and colors, though I've lately been trying out watercolor pencils!

Miri: Inquiring minds have asked if you have any tips for dealing with art block/slump.

Juju: When I hit an art block I mostly just try to draw through it, as asinine as that sounds. I take requests from friends and followers to see if I can pave my way through the slump and still try to make something that might not make me happy, but may make the receiver happy. Otherwise, I let myself doodle. It's very freeing and refreshing to just draw whatever and see where it goes, without worrying about if it's good or bad!

Miri: Is there a character/idea you haven’t gotten to yet that you really want to do?

Juju: I have tons of AUs that I really wanna draw out eventually! Mostly comics about Zack and Cloud on the run or another song-based comic! Otherwise, I want to try to draw the Turks or Avalanche as a big group family more! (Miri: yessss, more Turks!)

Miri: Any remake thoughts or hopes you’d like to talk about?

Juju: I'm extremely excited for the remake! I know there's a lot of uncertainties regarding the quality and how much it will stick to the original plot, but I'm super excited for new fans to come in with all their new ideas and experiences! I'm also hoping that the remake will carry some of the original game's cooky charms along for the ride!

Miri: Throw a headcannon at us that you’d like to see more of.

Juju: I personally think Yuffie and Cloud would get along fantastically after the events of the game. I would love to think they play pranks on Vincent or Cid together and go on materia expeditions!

Miri: Favourite party idea when playing FFVII? They don’t have to actually work, so much as you like the idea of them together as a fighting party.

Juju: My usual team is Cloud, Yuffie, and Vincent! I really enjoy their dynamic, especially when Vincent gets snarky. Plus, their skillsets really balance each other out! Otherwise, I really dig Cloud, Red XIII, and Barrett!

Miri: Do you have a favourite/easiest character to draw? Or a character you tend to draw when you need some comforting/relaxing art time?

Juju: Cloud is very obviously my favorite and I draw him all the time! Although, it definitely took me time to learn how to draw his hair. Cloud's a very good subject for both fluff and vent art! If he's not my favorite, than I probably enjoy drawing Aeris and Yuffie the most! They're both very expressive and fun to draw in sillier poses!

Miri: Are you open for commissions right now? Drop your link.

Juju: I am! My prices and regulations are right here: waifujuju.tumblr.com/tagged/daily-reblog

Miri: Anything you’d like to say to the community?

Juju: Thank you so much for being such a fantastic and welcoming community! I started my daily art blog around 3 years ago so that I can get involved with the community and provide some of my silly art and it's been such an enjoyable time! I've met some absolutely amazing people within this fandom and here's hoping to meeting even more when the remake comes out!

Miri: Here’s a few pieces I picked out (with some help from friends) to share with everyone

Sefikura Week (mini comic): http://waifujuju.tumblr.com/post/170139131820/sefikura-week-day-1-showing-up-unexpectedly

Cloud and Reno: http://waifujuju.tumblr.com/post/162534369760/my-part-of-an-art-trade-for-kayoli

Post AC Puppet Cloud (mini comic): http://waifujuju.tumblr.com/post/157924191625/ok-so-i-saw-your-sefikura-with-cloud-getting

Cloud and Jenova (fic art): http://waifujuju.tumblr.com/post/155347625170/the-failures-have-arrived-a-lil-something-for

Cloud and Jenova (phone wallpaper): http://waifujuju.tumblr.com/post/120313055050/phoneipod-background-for-ravenclawkohai-hope

Cloud and Vincent Immortal AU: http://waifujuju.tumblr.com/post/170928796070/immortal-cloud-and-puppet-cloud-have-taken-over-my

Motivational Seph: http://waifujuju.tumblr.com/post/161110269275/hey-juju-can-you-maybe-draw-a-small-motivational

Cloud “Copycat” Animation: http://waifujuju.tumblr.com/post/171708583560/i-cant-remember-who-i-am-everythings-a-blur

[haeroniel-doliet]

Hnghhh why does it require e f f o r t and p a t i e n c e and p r a c t i c e to get good at art????? I need to be good immediately and things i want to see appear at a snap of my fingers.......

Read more for what became an accidental full rant about why ive yet to post anything besides that one thing idkkkk

Aka im TRYING to be good and practice little by little but its BORING and difficult to not get immediate reward.... Also because for whatever reason i really dont wanna watch tutorials so im tryna be all self taught kinda and im OBVIOUSLY making a lot of mistakes like its part of the process but its FRUSTRATING

Basically im on my 6th??? Idk restart attempt at the same fennec portrait and its. Okay. Its at a point where im like nice as long as i suffer over the details here itll be decent ish. Probably.

But its not REWARDING.....

I know i want to do screencaps and character and face studies to get to the point of good art i wish i could be but .... I also just wanna draw like fun fic scenes and silly doodles of characters like some of the cool artists i follow do but i CANT because im not GOOD ENOUGH yet. ;(((((((

Yea i could post sketches or whatver i manage in a night but like who the fuck wants to follow that? Nah... I just idk. I DONT KNOW i dont know what my art goals are (i do, but DO I??)

My brain also obviously doesnt work very well visually which is GREAT so like, any original work its a lot like 'i'll know its right when i see it' but getting next to no other direction and you just gotta be like right. Okay uhhh my anatomy skills are stunted from when i was like 16?? Perspective?? Detail?? WHATS THE COLOR SCHEME

Never mind that i just... Dont understand the program or brushes that well idk why. Krita should be good and im too stressed to experiment different softwares.... BLEGH

i just. Part of me aches to go back to traditional for a bit but i just, dont have the means to make the scale of work i want ro produce with traditional materials yknow?? Maybe i should try just sketching scanning and then lining on computer again idk. At least for some of these face things.

Ok so my GOAL is to always have a very recognizable face. Like. I guess i cant hold myself to photorealism standards because hahahhah id die! But like, i want the face to be looked at and go ah yes! Its that guy! That actress! My friend! Me! Whoever! But like, recognizable. Because i know i CAN thats what i do! Thats all ive been good at !!!!

And like yeah i could hone that, yknow? Work on face studies and mini portraits of all my favourite actors and scenes and shit. Cool right?? Yeahh that could be sickaroni macaroni. People like faces they can recognize and good refined work. I can do that

But i want to be MORE

Id love love love to make like. Scenic paintings. Concept art level atmosphere and color and light and presence and as tory telling yknow?? Id like to substitute the literally colorless fog inside my head into vivid scenes. Id like to try and take the fics that in my head are set in ??? Space with some movement here and there and just idk emotions? Into fleshed out SCENES with backdrops and accurate anatomy and WEIGHT and like, everything incredible that i admire in true art.

But thats hard, yknow? I havent really ever done backgrounds and what i have have been so flat. I dont KNOW how to do that (here i would be willing to have a teacher i think but. Im tired. I cant even seek out a short term therapist for myself how am i gonna find the kind of teacher i want?? Because of course i want them to teach me how to achieve whata inside my dreams and not what they know how to do ykno)

Yeah so i want to try and paint screencaps in the meantime. See if i cant struggle my way to fit this putty of skill into a square box. Like i think i can paint. Digitally? Somewhat idk?? Maybe if i just. Keep trying itll work out?? Start with simpler ones and build up to complexity??

But also. If im juat trying to get myself to love art again, why am i trying to throw myself in the deep end of struggling with something im not good at?? Shouldnt i be just refining what i already know? Like. A character! Standing. Maybe in a cooler pose if going crazy. Refining basic anatomy. How does fabric work? How does hair work? Can i make expressions seem realistic?

Next step, could i make a picture of someone without direct reference?? Like. Could i draw maybe a wee dinluke holding eachother or whatever and like. Just. Do it?? Without doing a version of photoshopping two pics of the actors through art together. Idk.

Also NONE of this makes sense to anyone outside my head and im SORRY

Like i dont even have a resolution at the end here!!! Im just FRUSTRATED!!!

I wanna draw, i wanna have results and success and rewarding experiences. But i also want ro challenge myself and do super complex shit and like really push myself to learn impressive difficult shit and be proud of down the line.

Im so tired. I cant even feel ok drawing without having someone on call with me to alleviate the immense pressure of frustration and anxiety and stress and struggle!!

I just. Wanna enjoy it

Okay fine i need to find a show or smth to 'watch'

And tomorrow? I might whip out a sketchbook thats been last used 8 years ago and. Ignore everything in it hahhaha its bad

But no im gonna. Im gonna draw scenes. With minimal reference

I might make a face collage i definitely wanna for pascal and mar camel

But im gonna put PENCIL to PAPER and get to the roots of MY HAND CAN DRAW just give her a chance, and get your brain outta the game.

Ok so fuck me this rant has to end here or ill never stop

If you read this (i dont expect ANYONE to have) send me like a message or whatever lol imma need to ask if youre ok <3

[arplis]

Arplis - News: How to Keep it Simple with Your Camper Van Conversion

If you have dreams of traveling and camping in a photoshoot-worthy campervan, youre not alone. Lots of people are inspired by the beautiful campervan conversions they see on social media. But do you really need your camper to look like something out of a catalogue? Or do you simply want to live and camp comfortably while traveling?

The reality of converting a van into a campervan is that everything you add has the potential to create more work and more issues when youre on the roadnot to mention the upfront time and money youll need to install every fancy feature you find on Pinterest.

When I bought my GMC Vandura and started living in it part-time, simplicity was my focus. I wanted to seriously downsize my life, so I didnt want to fill my van with too many extras.

The Key to a Successful Campervan Conversion? Keep it Simple.

The van life movement is rooted in minimalism. The VW van-dwellers of the 60s didnt have Pinterest to source ideas from. They lived and camped in their camper vans as a way to escape the confines of too many possessions. And the recent resurgence of van-love, now replete with a hashtag (#vanlife), grew in tandem with the tiny house obsession, along with the idea that less is more. People wanted to reinvent the American Dream, without expensive mortgages and working their lives away to pay the bills. They wanted to get outside more. Mobile living (including tiny homes, vans, RVs etc.) offered a simpler version of comfort, along with mobility, freedom, and low-cost living.

Kelly S. is keeping it simple with her 2002 Chevrolet Express camper van conversion.

But as this alternative lifestyle has turned into mainstream clickbait, the minimalism is sometimes overshadowed by expensive Sprinter van build-outs and elaborate rigs.

Now, dont get me wrong. I love a gorgeously curated interior. I bet you do, too. But the reality is I dont have the budget or the time for all the bells and whistles. And when Im sleeping at campgrounds, I really dont need them. If youre looking to turn your van into a camper van, you might not be interested in the fancy build-outs either.

Whether youre parking at campgrounds or boondocking, you dont have to spend tens of thousands of dollars in converting a van into a camper van.

Lets break down the things you do need in your simple camper van conversion

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Camp fire in the woods

. . . . #campfire #campfirecooking #camplife #camping #campinghacks #adventure_culture #adventureland #adventurers #outdoorliving #gooutdoors #vanlifecamping #vanlifeexplorers #vanlifeproject #welovecamping #Mountkidd #rvparklife #summeradventure #coupleswhocamp #campgoals #campvibes #weliveinavan #modernnomad #modernmillennial #lifeofadventure #twogirlsonevan #exploretheoutdoors #explorers #lesbianswhocamp #gaysinthewoods

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Two Girls One Van

(@two_girls_one_van) on May 30, 2018 at 3:29pm PDT

5 Things to Focus on for a Simpler Campervan Conversion

I spoke to some fellow vanlifers some of them live in their vans full-time, others camp in their vans on weekends to round out my own advice on what you need for a simple van conversion.

M own camper van conversion is a 1986 GMC Vandura. Its old and creaky and slightly unreliable, but (most of the time) I love it, and its perfect for camping.

A Bed

The bed is the foundational difference between a van and a campervan. (Related: once you have a bed in your van, its officially an RV, according to AAA, and youll need their RV coverage if you ever want a tow. I discovered that on the side of the highway in Seattle.)

Ive seen vans with the backseats removed and a mattress thrown in. Ive even seen a hammock strung up inside of a van, which can be easily removed to maximize living space when youre not sleeping.

My van came with a bed that folds into itself to create a bench seat. Its similar to this one, built by @gnomad_home:

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Everyone has been asking us how our couch to bed situation works in our #van! So we decided to make this little #timelapse video for you all to see! Thanks for all the questions and compliments so far, and feel free to keep 'em coming!!

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John

Nymeria

Delilah (@gnomad_home) on Mar 5, 2017 at 12:43pm PST

But I keep mine out like a bed all the time, and find the bed works fine for sitting and occasionally working on my laptop. If I did a camper van conversion myself, I wouldnt bother with the fold-up feature.

The vanlifers behind Two Wandering Soles built a super simple platform bed in the back of their Chevy, and they offer detailed instructions on how to make your own.

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The sleeping area! A custom cut (bigger than) king sized mattress! It fills the back of the Doka and creates a HUGE bed!

>>>

@Vanlifeing_com >>> #ThisisVanlifeing Captured by@vwdoka

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(@camper.lifestyle) on Jun 21, 2018 at 12:11pm PDT

When it comes to bedding, Im a big fan of an excessive number of pillows. And Im kind of in love with my Pendleton wool blanket. But now that the weather is warming up, its much too hot. I love the concept of the Rumpl blanket its made out of sleeping bag material which stays nice and cool, but also keeps you warm. Plus, my dogs hair wont stick to it, like it does with the wool blanket. I dont have one yet, but its on my list for summertime van camping.

Power + Light

Theres something special about being in the van at night. I drove miles up into the coastal mountains of Oregon to reach Horse Creek Campground on my first van camping trip. The dark tunnel of dirt road was eery, as I drove further and further away from civilization. But then I reached the nearly empty campground, turned on my collection of Christmas lights, strung around the vans ceiling, turned off the headlights, and felt right at home.

The thing is, if you want to do anything in your van at night, youre going to need light. Ive amassed more and more Christmas lights, which I plug in to The Lycan Powerbox from Renogy. If I want to read, I also turn on a little lantern I have hanging over the bed.

My lights, computer, and fan can all run at once from The Lycan Powerbox. So I have power for camping or working in a Starbucks parking lot (as Im doing, here).

I have a foldable lantern in the storage compartment over the drivers seat in my camper van conversion, so I can see to find my clothes. And a few smaller lights scattered around the van, so theres always one in arms reach when I climb in and need to see before I accidentally step in my dogs water bowl.

The UCO Gear Sitka Lantern is another appealing option. The extendable arm can give you light from above, which is especially handy when cooking or reading.

Im also a big fan of battery operated twinkle lights. Theyre not great for reading, but they give my van a cozy vibe for nighttime relaxation.

My dog, Jackson, likes the twinkle light vibe. He does not like it when I shine my headlamp in his face to take a photo.

Because you can never have enough options when it comes to your ability to see in the dark, I also keep a headlamp on hand. Ledlenser Headlampsare so much brighter than most headlamps Ive tried. Stick one behind your gallon of water for a makeshift lantern when its not on your head.

Fellow van camper Kelly S. also keeps it simple when it comes to lights:I didnt want to mess around with wiring a van, storing an extra battery, figuring out how to charge an extra battery, etc, so I have hooks on the ceiling for battery powered LED lanterns. This way, theyre portable too, and you can use them outside of the van!

Econoline-dweller Rachel loves her LED lights for keeping things simple, too: For lights I have an LED strip that plugs into USB and I just use those little backup phone batteries and switch them out and charge them through my lighter while Im driving.

Shelly S. is hooked on LUMINAID. I get the Cairn subscription box, which is how I received the initial run of this awesome little lantern and have been stuck to it ever since.

Water

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We recently upgraded our water tanks. We bought 3 taller tanks that fit in the same space as our 2 old tanks. We now have ~ 15 gallons of water which can last 1-2 weeks depending where we are and what we're doing. Great decision. #garageviews

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Rule number #1 with any type of camping: Bring more water than you think youll need. This isnt hard when youre van camping theres plenty of room! But you have a bunch of options when it comes to water storage.

Kelly S. shares how she sourced her best van ideas from traditional tent camping, including water.

For water I have a 7-gallon aquatainer. If you need drinking water? Theres a spout right there! Coupled with a tub on the floor underneath the split, you have a sink to wash your hands, too! Having it bungee corded in place for transport works great, and then if you want to spread out somewhere you stop, you can take it out!

Related Reading:

This Family is Building a Modern Camper Out of Free Materials Found on Craigslist

When it comes to water storage, you really cant beat the classic big blue jug. The Reliance Aqua-Tainer 7 Gallon holds plenty of water for a summer weekend of water drinking, dish washing, and the occasional foot rinse after a barefoot stroll around the campground. Just make sure you have a way to secure it to the floor when youre bouncing down dirt roads.

As for showers, if your van is strictly for camping, then you can usually rely on campground bathrooms for bathing or simply embrace the dirt while youre out there.

If you want to get a little crafty, you can add a makeshift outdoor shower to the roof of your van with ABS piping and a hose.

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One afternoon last spring, we wandered into a Home Depot and stared up at the black ABS piping in the plumbing section. Keith figured there had to be some way to make a shower outta that stuff. Wed mount it to our @yakimaracks roof rack, the sun would warm it up, and gravity would send it down. And thats exactly what it does. Simple. Just like everything else we have goin on in this home of ours. We dont have a fridge, we have a cooler. We dont have LED lighting, we have an old string of Christmas lights. We dont have air conditioning, we have wet rags and a tiny tower fan we got for 9 bucks. We dont have a toilet, we havethe groundand Starbucks.. What Im saying is, you can install plumbing in your van if you want toyou can spend months on end googling every tutorial on earth if you want toyou can pay big money to build out the most well-equipped vehicle around if you want to We simply hope to serve as a reminder that you dont necessarily *have* to.

A post shared by Brianna Madia (@briannamadia) on Apr 3, 2018 at 7:50am PDT

Since I sometimes spend several weeks in my van, I wanted to have a place to wash my face and brush my teeth. I relied on disposable face wipes and gym bathrooms for the first few months. But then my friends at Wood Intimations built a gorgeous sink that is super simple and looks great and its been a game changer.

The pump faucet draws water from a 4 gallon jug beneath the sink, and gray water drains down into a hole in the van floor, so I dont have to empty anything.

It also provides some much needed counter space, and a little shelf for storing those tiny things that always get lost in the van, like the remote to my twinkle lights and my chapstick!

Organization

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TO ALL WEEKEND WARRIORS

. . #doit #doitagain #comfortzone . . #ontheroad #optoutside #wanderlust #nature #vwcalifornia #vankit #freedom #solitude #stayandwander #wilderness #rygg #vegan #croatia #roadtrip #issiontour #vanpuppy #explore #adventure #vaninterior #handmade #bagdesign #travel

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Organization is so important for your sanity when living or camping in a camper van conversion. Even if youre a minimalist guru who wears one outfit and lives off protein bars, youre going to manage to collect more stuff than you think.

And if your lighting isnt great, its going to be even more difficult to find that stuff.

Staying organized will make you feel like you have a handle on the whole #vanlife thing. Organization can be as simple as a few plastic bins that can slide under your bed. Just make sure you know exactly what youre storing in each of them. (Clear storage containers are ideal so you can see whats in there when you inevitably forget.)

Shelly S. camps in her 4Runner. Its not a van, but the same concepts apply, she tells me. Organization is important for her, too. Mountainsmith has some nice storage cubes soft sided and stuffable. That being said, you can do about the same with those free cloth shopping totes, stored in either a cardboard box or a plastic bin.

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#HELP All right Vanlifers or Van designers or Anyone reallyI need your help! I have this space. All this space. Crazy right when you live in a van, usually it's the complete opposite. So.what the heck do I do with it!? I'd prefer not to put any more storage or I'll just fill it with crap (most of this stuff in the back is not mine). I don't need a pull-out kitchen or a place to store bikes, adventure gear. So other than turning it into a bedroom and renting it I'm at a miss.. Any suggestions???

A post shared by Sian Knox (@exmouth_vanlife) on Dec 22, 2017 at 9:07pm PST

Leah W. recommends as few belongings as possible for staying organized. My biggest recommendation is really paring things down to what you NEED. I had one set of basic utensils, one pot, plate, and bowl, a one burner stove, etc. A small toiletry bag, one duffel bag of summer clothing, one duffel bag of winter clothing. She agrees with Shelly about using bags for organization. While most people are fans of creating boxes for organization, we found that sturdy-ish bags worked best.

I went to the Container Store and bought a couple of soft containers with attached lids. Because the structure of the containers is fabric, theyre easy to stick into places where they barely fit, like the storage area above the driver and passenger seats of my GMC Vandura.

Hooks have also been a sanity saver for me in my sometimes not so organized camper van conversion. I keep a jacket and a couple of shirts that I dont want to be all wrinkly, hanging on a hook by the door. I always know where they are, and I can reach extra layers if I get cold at night. I also have a hook for my headlamp, because that is something that always gets lost.

When it comes to food storage, youll need to think about uninvited house visitors.

Store your food in closed containers or bins, advises Leah W. We started our trip with our food in an open crate, and quickly had mouse friends also enjoying our snacks.

Related Articles:

Truck Bed Tents

Off Road Campers

The post How to Keep it Simple with Your Camper Van Conversion appeared first on The Dyrt Magazine.

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[totoroses]

i found this lesbian survey and decided to fill it out!

Femme or butch? is this what do i prefer or which i am? im a femme and i have no preference in dating, i’ve been wildly attracted to both and any in between

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it. the only nearly completely common denominator though my exes are having brown eyes? i have dated only one person who did not have brown eyes. i always feel safer looking into brown eyes then blue. i woudl say i have often gone after the romantic artsy type with good music taste and some kind of signature style about them, ironically none of which drew me to my current girlfriend who i believe is probably defintiely the love of my life

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets? leather jackets! i will swoon over smartly dressed gals in button downs as well as a chill gal in some plaid unbuttoned flannel but the two together make me think of a lumberjack

Describe your style. i usually go for one of two styles- softly dressed forest wanderer, or slightly sassy soft grunge. both include my doc martens, but one is more natural colours and old fashioned dresses and the other is sassy tshirts and 90sish thrift store finds like denim and dark florals

Describe your aesthetic.pressed flowers between the pages of a book on forest spirits, rose milk tea, silver rainy downpours, curly baby hairs, white peaches, a cat sleeping in a library, custard pastries, a circle of mushrooms in moss, opals and furry moths

Favorite article of clothing? my one forever 21 dress ive had since like junior year that i can wear without a bra and it has like a cool cross back i just looooveee ittt, then also my embroidered minty 1930s style qipao sort of dress

Favorite pair of shoes? my doc martens and green chinese embroidered lace up slippers

Current haircut? currently blonde (ugh) and currently my hair falls just past my breasts, the goal is to grow it to my bellybutton!

Any haircut goals for the future? i really wanna get on the thick fluffy bangs bandwagon but i dont think i have the stamina to put up with growing them out again smh

Describe the best date you’ve been on. there was this one date i went on with one of my high school girlfriends where we went to a bookstore and hung out and then stuck googly eyes all over my city on random monuments and street signs, and we also ate thai food and listened to music and it was still one of the most lovely dates. BUT my girlfriend recently visited me in taiwan and we went in a glass bottom gondola ride up a mountain and drank from coconuts and wandered through old streets and had the most amazing tea food with a spectacular view and it was heaven

Describe the worst date you’ve been on. probably the one where i went on a picnic with my first girlfriend who then broke up with me that same day and even though our entire relationship was so awkward and not what is should have been it still hurt so bad

Single? Taken? taken!

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife! where do i begin! my girlfriend is a slightly shorter than me girl named lynn who loved korean variety shows, drinking coca cola, listening to cheesy love songs, and playing tricks on people (especially me). she used to be a major tomboy in middle and high school and date all the girls and get slapped a lot, as well as mess with teachers and play pranks on them and steal things from their lunchboxes. more than half of her birthchart including sun, rising, and venus are scorpio, and she wants to start her own streetstyle online brand but has not yet found a catchy brand name!

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife? :)

Describe your dream wedding my girlfriend says if we get married we need two, a traditional chinese wedding (she is from china) and a western one with a priest since i am catholic, and i couldnt agree more. my dream wedding includes just very close friends and family, extravagant lights and flowers and a reception party playlist chosen by me, catered by the teahouse we went to in taiwan. i know its so silly and superficial but i want the dreamiest dress that i design, wisteria everywhere, and most of all i just want lynn at the end of the alter looking stunning in whatever it is she decides to wear

Do you want kids? YES me and lynn talk about this a lot because we both love kids and both agree on at least 4, no more than 8. and we will share who carries the kids so not just one of us is having our uteruses worn out

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? guilin, china. but its a fantasy. guilin is real and beautiful but chinese laws make it so that even if we settle down there and build a house it cant truly belong to us, and in china you cant have a private business and it jsut sucks because the drema is to live in the quiet countryside with a simple life and beautiful scenery to explore together and with our children

Favorite lesbian movie? i love so many but im gonna go with the handmaiden!

Favorite lesbian novel/story? i havent read nearly enough, but  adore all things by malinda lo and julie anne peters! ash by malinda lo is probably my favourite. i have to still read sarah waters though, i hear she reigns supreme

Favorite lesbian song? don’t pull away by milosh ft jviews (the music video is gay at least, i also love hayley kiyoko)

Favorite lesbian musician? hayley kiyoko probably

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any? mmmm i dont like softball so that doesnt work...i read a lot of sappho though! and i have short nails? and love buffy? are these stereotypes?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal? ugh yes

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that? write me a love letter or make me a mixtape about your feleings something cheesy

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian? girls!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? cat but i also love pups!

Turn ons? a musical wonderful voice i could listen to and listen to, easy and stimulating conversations, passion for something that lights up their eyes

Turn offs? rudeness in any shape or form, indecisiveness or feigning indecisiveness because you think i want to make the decisions, despicable movie and music taste, smell

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you? mmmm in the past it has been pretty even. i have learned though that with women it really is a waiting game more than with guys so with my current girlfriend the tension was killing me so much i had to straight up ask her if something was going on and when she said yes she did like me too i was so relieved because she admitted to having not dated anyone since high school (5 years ago for her) and not asking anyone out while at college so if i had kept waiting for her who knows if we would have gotten together!

What is your dream career? i want to be a stay at home mom and author and perhaps an art teacher or preschool teacher on the side if the books dont pa the bills!

Talk about your interests or hobbies! writing and reading and drawing and singing and hiking and listening to music and watching korean dramas and making lists and studying languages

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have? passion, not necessarily in the sexual wya, but passion for something in general. like if she is an actress you see her on the stage and see how into it she is, and offstage she talks about it in a way that shows she is capable of truly loving something so much and seeing wonder in life. or a girl who seems quiet but then when she starts to show you the music she likes she closes her eyes and knows every lyric and has this expression of true passion and love for the music, i am captivated by women who are captivated by the purest elements of life from music to dance to nature

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone? for women, i fall in infatuation quite easily. i was always more cautious with men of course and now i avoid them altogether. but love is something i’ve been becoming more conservative of somehow. i think because i was so hurt by someone before and gave and gave without receiving and im scared of that happening again. i have to be receiving love to give it, thats something i finally can control my impulses over and protect myself from.

Ever fallen for your best-friend? HA

Ever fallen for a straight girl? HAHA

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?) heck to the no i couldnt make it past two episodes 

Favorite comfort food? macaroni and cheese

Coffee or tea? tea

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above? none but i have tried vegetarian before

Do you have any pets? a chinchilla and a cat!

Early-riser or night-owl? night owl 

What is your sign? gemini sun, sag moon, sag rising

What is your Myers-Briggs type? INFP

Who was your first lesbian crush? my first serious lesbian crush was on a girl at my middle school who dressed to the nines every day in vintage dresses and sweaters and she flirted with practically everyone just joking around and always had a boyfriend but was just charming in every way. my whoel day would eb ruined if i couldn’t just see her or say hello once, and i thought i was just obsessed until i was like ‘wait what if she kissed me’ and BAM i knew it was a real life crush

At what age did you know you were a lesbian? im not really sure. i identified as bi/pan from freshman year to junior year i think, but then was realizing i definitely had a preference and didn’t want to be with guys in a relationship at all to be honest but even up until last summer i was really questioning if i was asexual, so its been a journey but i think i finally fully realized i am a happy happy lesbian after meeting lynn

At what age did you come out (if you have)? i was 14 when i first told my parents i was bi, 18 when i said im a lesbian 

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)? just my girly friend

Talk about how your day went i worked this morning 7-11 after only sleeping 4 hours since i got hooked on ‘tipping the velvet’ the bbc miniseries, said goodbye to a friend, had school and did a presentation on how to make rosemilk bubble tea, i ate at a moomin cafe with my coworker, and now am working on homework and doing this survey and putting off my night cleaning duties eheh

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future  i just want to have a family and to have my books published, thats all i really need. a loving wife, my sister still by my side as my partner in crime, so many children, so many stories finally told that people are reading. i really want to build a lovely house for my family like my grandparents did once upon a time, with secret rooms and unique hiding places, a house they can pass down as they grow up and it can have our lineage. i want to live by the mountains and trees and water, i want to be able to speak mandarin, cantonese, korean, japanese, icelandic, italian, arabic, and polish fluently

[eksbdan-blog]

New Post has been published on https://passingbynehushtan.com/2019/05/11/prophetic-john-10-jesus-word-god/

Paraphrase of John 10: Transposing the Person with His Word

  Paraphrasing John 10. With scary results

Here is a little experiment. Don’t take it too seriously now, just open up your synapses and let the possibility sink in. Its a paraphrase of a part of the New Testament. I want you to realize if this is anywhere near the truth, it represents the depth to which we have been destroyed as a Church and how much we really resemble the enemies of Jesus.

John 10, without the Parabolic cover

“There was a division among the Jews about the suggestion of the central motivation of the Word of God in their religion pertaining to the Messiah (Jesus). Many of them said such an idea is from the Devil. Others said that it could not possibly be so, because the prophets foretold that the curing of spiritual blindness by it was the cure for all the sin spoken of in the Law, and they can’t accept that.

This Word of God itself then appeared before them. They asked it, “how long will you keep us in ignorance of this question?” If you are the most important religious motivation, just say it plainly, instead of using all these figurative expressions.

The Messianic Scriptures said, “I told you already, though these figures of blindness, sickness and miraculous healing. But you cant understand them. They speak of healing of heart, spiritual healing of your understanding about me. Because you don’t want to admit that I, the Word of God, am now being fulfilled, you are blind to them. Moreover, you don’t believe because you are not yourself one of those of faith that are now counted as righteous, or because you are not counted as such one as having received spiritual sight, since you have an inability and unwillingness to apply that cure to me, the Word of God. If you cannot see or accept the fulfillment of me, the  Word, you cannot see the fulfillment of miraculous physical healing only by the prophetic Word of God.

“But my true messianic symbols of faith hear me, I know them, and they depend upon me exclusively in their religion. I also make them eternal, not just symbols, but permanent righteous testimonies of the triumph and singular importance of myself, the Word of God of the Prophets. No one can change this. My power as the fulfilled Promises of the Father alone caused in them this allegiance to me that you cannot see or choose to confess.

“They have now inherited their own scriptural promises through their confession of me as this their ground a faith. You are not so motivated. Now this bond between them cannot be changed unless those Promises were capable of being broken and untrue, which is impossible.

“All the messianic promises are now in its fulfillments and the fulfillments are in its promises: they are one unit and complete in me. If you acknowledge one, but you insufficiently acknowledge the other here standing before you, and you prefer to stick with this injustice, you have a big problem.”

“The false religious motivation tried to kill this Word of God by hurling the Law at it, but a Law which was also instituted chiefly as a Promise of the Word, that those who refuse its authority over them will be executed, which is a picture of the transgressors using a Word that is established only to condemn their corrupt faith as a means of accusing and killing off the only Word that heals it.

“The scriptural principle of the Prophetic Word of God over religion said to them, ‘what is it about me that makes you want to kill me since all I am is the fulfillment of the prophets?’

“They said, ‘for the fulfillments, we don’t kill you, but because we don’t like the religious concept of the prophetic Word of Messiah reigning over us. You are only an optional, minor, or antecedent part of the entire revelation, not its God.’

“The Prophetic Word of God said, ‘You complain that I said I am God over your religion, but by the same Law and Prophets you pretend are important to you, that you, in reality, treat dismissively, calls you gods when you are not. If you knew the scriptures you would know where this is used, and that this passage in Psalms 82 uses the Promises of the Father only to impress upon you your obligation to believe in me exclusively. This is the mantle of true religious leader that you fail to live up to. This Psalm is also a righteous prophecy of the triumph of me, the Word of God in fulfillment. It says ‘but ye shall die like men, and fall like one of the princes. Arise, O God, judge the earth: for thou shalt inherit all nations.’ If me, the fulfilled Prophetic Word of God, does not show fulfillment, then don’t believe me. But if I do, although you don’t have at first confidence in my authority over your faith, believe that I am the fulfillment of the Promises, so that you will believe that one is in the other as an unbreakable unit never to be separated or weakened.”

“The false religious motivation tried again to kill this Prophetic Word of Messiah, but it escaped because it was not itself prophesied to be murdered by them at this time. But it went to the place where the great symbol of the Prophets (John the Baptist) who preached exclusively the Kingship of this Word, first started, who was also the first of a type of all the faithful who give authority to the Prophetic Word in their faith and practice.

“People came to the Prophetic Word there to learn within it.  After they did, and examined the OT scriptures and found it fulfilled and true, they said that that this symbol of Prophetic faith in Messiah (John) did not fulfill prophecies of Messiah, but being the symbol of its first honest interpreter also did not admit or pretend his own righteousness through any other means, as the false religious motivation does. Everything that great symbol of the Prophets (John) said about making this Word primary as an expression of faith and internal righteousness was true, just as this Prophetic Word is true fulfillment.”

John 10, with the parabolic cover

Now, just try this. Reread this with the above in mind.

19 There was a division therefore again among the Jews for these sayings. 20 And many of them said, He hath a devil, and is mad; why hear ye him? 21 Others said, These are not the words of him that hath a devil. Can a devil open the eyes of the blind? 22 And it was at Jerusalem the feast of the dedication, and it was winter. 23 And Jesus walked in the temple in Solomon’s porch. 24 Then came the Jews round about him, and said unto him, How long dost thou make us to doubt? If thou be the Christ, tell us plainly. 25 Jesus answered them, I told you, and ye believed not: the works that I do in my Father’s name, they bear witness of me. 26 But ye believe not, because ye are not of my sheep, as I said unto you. 27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: 28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any [man] pluck them out of my hand. 29 My Father, which gave [them] me, is greater than all; and no [man] is able to pluck [them] out of my Father’s hand. 30 I and [my] Father are one. 31 Then the Jews took up stones again to stone him. 32 Jesus answered them, Many good works have I shewed you from my Father; for which of those works do ye stone me? 33 The Jews answered him, saying, For a good work we stone thee not; but for blasphemy; and because that thou, being a man, makest thyself God. 34 Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods? 35 If he called them gods, unto whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken; 36 Say ye of him, whom the Father hath sanctified, and sent into the world, Thou blasphemest; because I said, I am the Son of God? 37 If I do not the works of my Father, believe me not. 38 But if I do, though ye believe not me, believe the works: that ye may know, and believe, that the Father [is] in me, and I in him. 39 Therefore they sought again to take him: but he escaped out of their hand, 40 And went away again beyond Jordan into the place where John at first baptized; and there he abode. 41 And many resorted unto him, and said, John did no miracle: but all things that John spake of this man were true. 42 And many believed on him there. Joh 10:19-42 (KJV)  

The Implications

Jesus is not only talking about persons but about the kind of faith needed to be in those persons to qualify them. That faith has to be driven by Truth. All you have to do in order to see this is to just be consistent in keeping the one who leads them, the Word of the Messiah in the messianic prophecies, which personal entity is Jesus of Nazareth the Messiah.

Is Jesus not the Word of God, and is the Word of God not that which is spoken of by Jesus and the Apostles the Old Testament, since the NT was not yet written? Is this Old Testament to which they refer not the prophets who foretold of Jesus Messiah? Do you think that the Bible is about you first and Jesus second, or perhaps about you primarily? Do you think it’s about religious concepts and statements? Do you think it’s about tradition, the authority claimed by humans, reason alone, feeling alone, “doctrine” which is conclusions over biblical evidence that does not need to come out of the prophets? Do you think its any combination of such things or others which you dream up or want? Who is Jesus, and what kind of truth does he really want to represent himself to the human soul for its healing?

The Warning

I remember hearing the host on a talk radio program once tell about the time he was a hot air balloon pilot. He made an interesting comment. He said he was afraid of heights. If he climbed up on a ladder more than three rungs, he would get vertigo. But when he was in a hot air balloon the fear of heights vanished. He could sit on the edge of the basket hovering 3000 feet in the air with no problem. He said that the difference was that when you’re on a ladder and looking down, you can see the ladder all along its length to its contact with the ground. Your brain then sees the actual distance between you and the ground, and there is fear. When you’re in the balloon, there is no such extension to the ground, and your brain abstractly conceives that distance. The message is that actual danger is minimized and little danger is maximized when you use only a depending on whether you use a concept to gauge the threat or facts.

If you’re not picking up on what I’m trying to tell you, you can at least listen to a nice song before I plant in your mind that actual distance between you and oblivion:

I close with the most horribly misinterpreted verse and simultaneously the most used verse in the New Testament, which speaks of the exclusivity of Christ, of not only who but what must be known and loved for salvation. Do you want to really be scared? Do you want to experience a panic attack? Do you want a huge revelation? Don’t miss the extra verse:

 John 14:6-7 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. If ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also: and from henceforth ye know him, and have seen him.

  See this article:

Prophesying, Preaching, and the Prophetic: Passing by Nehushtan

Acts 10: What Cornelius Knew: Passing by Nehushtan.