#its just like man wont anyone arrange their work hours with mine so we can see each other every day? :(

[miskas-reblog-blog]

YES I’m irrationally jealous of my best friend’s new boyfriend but in my defence how else am I supposed to react when it takes me literal years to open up to a singular person and build the most precious relationship I’ve ever had with anyone only to be completely eclipsed by a guy who seemingly appear out of thin air like two months ago??

[punkscowardschampions]

Gen 2 Youngers Group Chat

Ali: 👽👽👽 Ali: noissim terces pot Ali: ?in s'ohw Drew: 🍑dial? Caleb: 👽👌👍 ni em tnuoc!👽 Drew: 🤔😵 wtf Carly: 💊dial Meena: I think they're trying to communicate 🖖 Meena: we come in ☮ Ro: it's clearly written backwards, what's important is what am I theoretically agreeing to? If I indeed choose to Drew: Glad one of us has 🧠😊 Marlene: Fair point, what shit are you trying to sign me up for, dollface Ali: Recon, chiefly; but adventure, always Ali: you know me 😉 Carly: 💙🔮🌠 Ro: Because I do know you, elaborate please! Marlene: not to side with your sister again, like, but 🤞 behind my back until you're more forthcoming Ali: 🐯💕🐰 Ali: Oh, ye of little faith! 💔💔 Ali: You'll both like it for entirely different reasons, trust me Ali: you all will so shut up for one sec so I can brief you Marlene: no effect on my heart these days but go ahead, floor's yours 🎤 Carly: ha Drew: 🍿👀 Meena: Shh Drew Carly: yea boy my girl about to speak k Ali: Children, children! Settle down and behave, I know I'm the great love of ALL your lives, like Ali: 💘 declarations aside, you all know I'm Ghoul #1 at the haunted house in town this year Ali: Self-appointed title, yes, before the joke is made but with great power comes great responsibility and shits gonna be LAME if I don't take it upon myself to up the game up 1000% Ali: but that doesn't mean this won't be THE most fun of all time because I'm thinking, HUGE scouting trip of all the abandoned places this country inexplicably has Ali: I'm talking the manors, the castles, the barracks, the gaols, the hospitals, the launderies, the asylums, EVERYTHING Ali: I'll get all the 📸 inspo I need but like, Posy, the HISTORY, Meena, the STORIES, Drew and Caleb, the cool graffiti there always is in these places and free-running you could do Ali: Marlene and Carly, I know you're both down for adventure, right? Ali: so, what do you say lads Marlene: I'll drive you children if I get to pick the music & who rides shotgun Carly: baby u can just say u want me up front its k 🖤 Carly: ali wont mind Drew: 😏 Ro: Hmm, seating arrangements aside and to be determined, when is this escapade set to happen and how much trouble are we likely to get into for trespassing? I'm very much on the fence Caleb: not me man, I've checked out a few places before & it's a good time, up for more whenever Ali: 'Course, driver's prerogative 🖤 Ali: I ain't hearing any nopes 🙌 Ali: and like, seriously none, everyone does it, tourists even, they'll fully abandonned like no windows no doors style, there's nothing or no one stopping us at this point Ro: Okay, it does sound undeniably appealing Meena: I'm in Meena: sounds inspiring Drew: I don't think you should come, Meens Meena: Why not, I'm one whole year younger than you, I'm not a baby Caleb: bruv let her ride with us she can share the night vision goggles ain't no thing gonna happen Caleb: it'll be chill Drew: I guess Drew: but I'll be keeping a close eye, okay Meena: 🙄 Marlene: me first, you bunch of underage idiots Marlene: no blood or tears in my car Ali: awh mammy Ali: we're all in then Ali: there's so many places about, so just whenever we're all free, yeah? Ali: I've got a list, like Caleb: I've got mad 👻searching gear, no joke Caleb: leave room in the whip Ali: we'll bring the 📻 Ro: And our spirit board Ali: 🙌 Ali: love it when a plan comes together Ali: so, this weekend, yay or nay Ali: cancel all less important and boring plans, duh Ro: Of course Meena: 👍😊 Ro: We don't have to stay until 4am though, do we? I'm aware from midnight until then is peak supernatural hours but I'll be dead on my feet! Carly: I can go all night Marlene: 🙄 Drew: 😂 Ali: We should do that at least once, at one of the really old sites Ali: but we can do plenty in the day too Ali: have a car to nap in, if anyone needs it, could bring a couple of tents if we're committing, like Caleb: ✌✌ putting myself in charge of snacks Ali: Yes, Cavante Ali: no requests but make it delicious Caleb: I got tents too Ali: this needs to be a whole roadtrip moment Ali: can spot you petrol, Lene Ali: treat you when I get my first 👻 paycheck Carly: I'll get my da's card baby, I got you Carly: we can party Ali: look at you, big spender 😍 Carly: u kno Marlene: Won't be much to fill the tank, this country ain't that big all over Marlene: Cheers though Carly: now she loves me 🖤🖤 aw yay Ali: There's loads of mad shit in Cork so I reckon we'll aim for there Ali: bore you with the directions privately Lene Carly: 😉 Ali: u kno Ali: 💕 Carly: add me i wanna entertain her privately too Drew: Yous lot are mad Carly: u kno boy Meena: I'm peacing out before this gets to an unacceptable level of weirdness Meena: Keep me posted, I'll dig out my sleeping-bag! Meena: 💛 Ro: Me too, my student will be here for piano lessons in a little while Ali: 💚💚 Ali: Feel free to broach this with mother, Ro Ali: don't wait for me, like 🤞 Ro: Oh how convenient! You know I'd rather spend the night alone in a crypt than ask Tess for anything Marlene: I'll do it. Still her favorite Carly: 💔😢 i thought we were playing nice Ali: Let her babe Ali: we don't wanna Ali: 🖤 rekindle that 🔥 Carly: ha Ali: you home btw Carly: me or your ex? Ali: you, of course Ali: she's got a hot date with my ma, right Marlene: True Carly: yea im there where r u Ali: coming to you 😇 Carly: aw ur sweet & i miss you Ali: not for long Carly: yay Drew: We invited too or what Carly: yea k Caleb: bro you are meant to be coming work with me 😂😂 Ali: 🏃 along boy Drew: 😒 seriously bro Caleb: you gonna make me handle that delivery on my own? keep it peaceful & do it for avó Drew: you gonna help me with mine after Caleb: I got your back Drew: fine Drew: dry but fine Caleb: safe Caleb: gotta go walk Marley before ✌☮ Drew: 👌 Ali: Laters then lads Caleb: 💚 Carly: hes so cute Carly: same 😇 energy Ali: Bless him

[hockeyandstuff91]

Waves of Pleasure - Part 8

Word Count: 2,222

Players: Tyler Seguin, Jamie Benn, Gavin Bayreuther, Dallas Stars, Flames (mentioned)

Warnings: cussing

Authors note: Okay first of all no smut? Who am I? lmao jk it was bound to happen! No worries though, it’ll be back for next part im like 99.99% sure at least lmao. I'm honestly really impressed with myself not gonna lie LOL! This is what I love about writing series like this, when something is going on in the story that it keeps me motivated to post regularly. I missed this feeling a lot actually. I had been so busy the last few months, being so exhausted I just honestly had 0 motivation for any series I have going. BUT HERE WE ARE DAY THREE and there’s a new part! I know I wont be able to keep the whole updating daily thing going for super long, that’s just what happens with my writing. However I am so happy you guys have been so supportive and loving of this series so far, and where I have been taking it. This was never really the plan, it just happened naturally as I wrote. The characters have a mind of their own I swear! Alright I'll stop rambling now so you can get on to good stuff lol <3 love you guys! thank you again so much and I hope you enjoy this part! Please give me some feedback so I know how you all like it <3 :)

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3    Part 4     Part 5     Part 6    Part 7    Part 9

(Brooke POV)

I yawned as we entered the hotel in Calgary. The travel was early in the morning, to allow the boys enough time to rest a bit here before going for the pregame skate. Having games back to back I could imagine was a little exhausting for the boys, but I was for sure not use to being up this early. I didn't have much to complain about though, I was traveling with my two favorite people, so it really didn't matter what time it was.

The team was checked in to the hotel, key cards being passed out to all of the guys. I looked around, trying to keep an eye on Gavin. I was worried about the kid, he had seemed to not be very talkative with anyone lately, which just wasn't like him at all. I wanted to talk to him, but I knew I wasn't the teams mom and it wasn't really my place to say anything, or try to fix anything.

My attention was brought back to the room as Tyler wrapped his arm around me, pulling me in the direction of the elevator as we followed Jamie and part of the team in. There was a race going on between some of the younger guys to see which one of their elevators would make it up to our floor first. I laughed and just shook my head, wondering how they had so much energy already.

Once making it upstairs and into our room, I crawled into the bed immediately, curling up under the warm blanket. I smiled as I felt the bed dip around me, both boys pressing their lips to my cheeks as they wrapped their bodies around mine. I loved when they would both cuddle me like this, it always made me feel safe and at home.

Our nap didn't last too long before the boys were woken by their alarms, getting ready to head to the rink for a few hours. I however had plans to meet a friend that lived in town, which I was excited for.

We all parted ways in the lobby, the boys getting into the team bus, while I got into the uber that Tyler had ordered for me, making my way into downtown.

The day had gone by so fast, getting to see a bit of the city with my friend, before I headed to where the Flames played for the game. Tyler and Jamie both walked me up to the suite that they had gotten set up for me, spending a few minutes with me before they had to go down to get ready for the warmup.

The game had just started, and it was less than a minute in when Spezza made a goal. This game was already off to an amazing start. It was pretty back and forth for almost the rest of the first period, the boys were doing great, Gavin still looked like he wasn't fully in the game yet. I sighed, hoping that one of the boys would talk to him soon when intermission came up. The clock ticked by, less than 4 minutes left when unfortunately the Flames scored, tying the game.

We still had plenty of time left, and I had a really good feeling that we were going to win this one tonight. There was something about the energy on the ice that was different, it was exciting already, especially after the super early goal by Spezz.

(Jamie's POV)

"Alright we need to talk," I said pulling Gavin aside as soon as we got into the locker room, the first period over with, tied with the Flames currently.

"What's up?"

"You have not had your head in the game since we left Colorado. Is there something going on?"

Gavin shrugged, refusing to look at me.

"Dude you can talk to us you know. We are your team for a reason, we have to be a family and work together, or games are going to keep going like this."

Gavin sighed and looked around, pulling me farther away from everyone. "I'm terrified to say anything about this.."

"About what? What is going on?"

"I heard something our last night in Denver.. I came up from the bar kind of early after the game and-"

"You heard something?" I asked, leaning against the wall next to him.

"Yeah.. uhm.. coming from the room beside mine," he said, swallowing hard. I could tell he didn't want to have this conversation at all.

Then it clicked in my head. Fuck.

"Your room was right next to Tyler and I's," I sighed, covering my face.

"Yeah and Tyler was still in the bar.."

"Alright you're gonna need to talk to Tyler about this," I said.

Gavin nodded, looking down at the floor. I walked over and whispered to Tyler what Gavin had just told me and nodded towards where Gavin was standing in the corner.

(Tyler's POV)

I sighed and stood up. I had a feeling this would happen eventually.

"I'm so sorry dude," Jamie said, looking down at his skates.

"It's alright. It was bound at happen at some point. I'll fix it. Don't let this get in your head now and fuck with the game. We are still cool," I said as I made my way over to Gavin.

I could tell that Jamie was feeling really bad about this, but I didn't have time to deal with that right now, I needed to talk to Gavin about this before we had to go back out to finish the game.

"Hey Gav," I said as I made my way over to him.

"H-hey Tyler," he just about whispered, staring at the ground.

"Listen.. this isn't going to make any sense to you probably, but I just want you to know that everything is okay."

Gavin finally looked up, searching my face, probably wondering what I meant by that. "But.. do you even know what I heard? I didn't tell Jamie what it was, I just said I heard something."

I chuckled and nodded "Yeah I'm pretty sure I can guess what you heard," I said glancing over to Jamie. "I told them to be quiet," I said shaking my head, laughing.

"Wait. You know?!"

"Yeah Gavin.. That’s what I was trying to explain. It's not something that is easy to understand, but its an arrangement we have. The only way I can explain this would probably be more details than you want to know," I said.

Gavin just stared at me, I'm sure he was confused and not really sure how to react to what I just told him. Honestly I didn't expect anything else from him, how was he suppose to understand that I let my best friend and teammate fuck my girlfriend?

"So.. you.. he.." Gavin sighed, I could see the gears turning in his head as he tried to figure this out.

I laughed, closing my eyes and rubbing my hand down my face. "Okay, without being too graphic, yes Jamie and Brooke have sex, and I'm fine with it."

"Wow," Gavin said, glancing over at Jamie and then back to me. "Okay.." he nodded slowly.

I figured this was going to take him a little bit to get use to, I just was hoping that it wouldn't take so long that he would be unfocused during the rest of the game. I patted him on the shoulder, leaving my hand there for a second.

"You ok now?"

Gavin just nodded in response to me. I nodded back and started to walk away. "Oh and uh.. Please don't say anything to anyone else, not yet," I said, looking back to him.

"Oh.. yeah right. Sure man," Gavin said, following me back towards the rest of the team.

"Listen we will talk more later. Lets try and focus on the game now, yeah?"

"K," was all he said as he sat back on his side of the room.

I sat back down next to Jamie and groaned softly, leaning back against the wall. "Well hes kind of in shock I think, but he knows its okay now."

"That’s good," Jamie sighed in a bit of relief. "Still dude, I feel ba-"

"Jamie.. please don't. I've seen a difference in you since this started, a good one, and I don't want you to start feeling bad now because of a small slip up. I honestly couldn't give a shit if the guys knew, honestly it would make it a lot easier if they did. If the media found out however, that would not be good."

Jamie looked over at me, a bit confused. "You would be ok with them all knowing?"

"Yeah why not? We are a family here, we work together, we are all apart of each others lives and we celebrate when someone finds something that makes them happy. Jamie I don't know if you are just oblivious, or trying to hide it from me and yourself... but I know you are falling for Brooke. I can tell dude."

"What?" Jamie's eyes went wide "No no.. no dude its- its not like-"

"Jamie I know what its like to fall for her, I know what it looks like and what it feels like. It's okay. I wouldn't expect anything less. She is an amazing person who means the absolute world to me, I can't imagine that I would be the only one to feel that if someone else got to spend as much time with her as I do, like you do."

"Tyler I-" Jamie sighed, looking down at the ground again, his jaw clenching.

"Hey," I put my hand on his shoulder, waiting for him to look at me. "I didn't say it was a bad thing or that it made me upset. I expected it, and I'm fine with it. Just know I came first," I laughed and patted his back a few times.

Jamie chuckled and nodded "Oh I know you are first in her world, anyone who isn't stupid can see that. You two are inseparable."

I smiled and nodded. "Yeah we are."

That statement was very much true. Ever since Brooke and I had met we had been that way. That was why when this whole thing with Jamie had started, she was terrified that she was going to lose me. I had to spend all night telling her otherwise, and explaining to her that this was something that was my idea.

This whole thing started because I wanted Jamie to feel less alone, and because I trusted both him and Brooke more than anyone in my life, besides my family. They were the two closest people to me in my life and I wanted it to stay that way. It wasn't something easy to explain to others, why I was okay with this, or why I was into watching my girlfriend have sex with someone else. It was just how it was.

Looking at mine and Brooke's relationship being just the two of us was amazing, always had been. There wasn't anything missing, there wasn't something one of us lacked from the other, everything was great. It just happened that adding Jamie to that, was a positive in my mind. Seeing my best friend happy, was something that made this make sense to me.

Jamie hadn't had the best relationships in the past, and to see him finally happy, and be able to turn his mood around after a loss, or whatever else was going on in his life, was something that Brooke could help him do. It didn't in any way negatively affect Brooke and my relationship at all, it actually enhanced it. It brought her and I closer together, and I fell even more in love with her, which I didn't think was even possible.

Watching her be able to make someone almost as happy as she makes me, was something that was special. It had gone from a kink of mine, allowing her to sleep with someone else I trusted, to watching something more form between them. I had known from the very start that this was what was going to happen, and that’s why I had suggested it. I wanted Jamie to be able to feel the same kind of love that I did, knowing that it was genuine and real. Knowing that she would never hurt him, which I couldn't promise from other girls. And I wanted Brooke to also feel doubly loved, never allowing her to second guess or doubt how loved she really is by both of us. To always feel secure in knowing that there are two guys who are always here for her, and love her no matter what.

Our relationship, this situation, it wasn't 'normal.' I didn't expect most people to understand, but they didn't have to. I knew how I felt about it, and I knew how Brooke and Jamie felt about it. It worked for us and to me, that was all that mattered. I knew that when the time was right, they would express to each other how they felt, and I would be here to explain all of this to them, and help to move the relationship of us three forward to where its meant to be.

[waitinginthedarke]

He’ll be wrong, for you.

A BTS/Kim Taehyung Fanfiction Summary : What happens when you take on Kim Taehyung… Type: Mafia!AU (BTS)

********************Prologue********************* Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 

Chapter 5

It was big, and warm, and you felt like it fit your own so beautifully that you couldn’t help but hold Taehyung’s hand so tightly you were almost sure it hurt. Yet when you peer up at him shyly from just behind his shoulder, as the two of you walked back out into the warehouse, all you see is a clear expression on his face, one tinted with what seemed like the hint of smugness.

The moment in the office had been largely filled by him attempting to hide a smile at your response to his proposition, and you desperately trying to hold onto your usual disciplined façade… and failing miserably. Although with the mutual confession hanging in the air between you, it wasn’t long before he’d drawn closer toward you, slowly slipping his hand into yours and fastening your fingers together, an unexpectedly shaky breath leaving him and filling the space between you as you looked up to see him watching you with an intensity like you’d never witnessed before.

After that he hadn’t asked you anymore questions, and had simply pulled you from the room.

‘Are you sure they wont mind?’ you ask, hearing the shy tone to your voice as you proceeded across the warehouse floor, but not equating it with yourself; completely blind to the way you’d turned coy and quiet in the presence of the man before you.

A man, who in that moment was trying to smother a rather amused smirk.

‘Believe me…they wont mind so long as you’re with me.’ he mutters, side-eyeing you smoothly, and you end up watching as a grin blooms on his face, the two of you slowly making your way to the table in the corner where the rest of his gang were situated- curious eyes burning into you.

‘Have we reached a solution yet?’ Taehyung asks in an authoritative tone of voice before anyone else can get their own questions out into the open, a notable smirk appearing on one of the men’s faces who was lounging in a slightly battered looking leather armchair. 

‘Hoseok’s going to go. We figured swiftness was the biggest factor with this one; …dont want to be dragging it out now.’ one stood leant on the table answers, his wide catlike eyes looking threatening below the low hanging steel lamps, and you cant help but squeeze Taehyung’s fingers slightly as an instinctual reaction, immediately regretting it when you see a few sets of eyes peer curiously at your conjoined hands.

‘Who’s your friend, Hyung?’

The question is accusing, directed purposefully at Taehyung from one of the men of similar height to the last. He too stood around the table, but as you look at him closer you cant decide if you would call him a man after all, or if he was much closer to the description of a boy. However, his appearance aside, you were more concerned with the expression on his face, which in that moment stated you were not welcome.

‘…This is Y/N, Jungkook. She is a��friend…of mine; feel free to talk about anything in her presence.’ the man beside you responds, and you cant help but note the hint of a threat in his voice as he addresses the younger guy, the growing look of anger on Jungkook’s face making you feel more uncomfortable as the silence stretches on after Taehyung’s statement. You almost want to kiss the man who’d led you into the room initially when he breaks the tense silence and pipes up with a chuckle.

‘Does that include talking about your habit of watching children’s cartoons in your dressing gown at 2am, whilst you scoff down a box of-’

‘THAT is NOT what i meant, Jimin-sshi.’ Taehyung quickly cuts him off, a wide-eyed look being shot at the other man, who simply continues to openly, yet silently, laugh to himself, the look of joy as he ends up bent over the table in amusement, causing you to completely forget about the tension as you subconsciously smile back at him.

‘As much as you want us to act like normal around your friend, Taehyung-sshi…I feel like we’d all be a little more at ease if we knew what kind of a person she is.’ the moonlight haired man in the armchair pipes up, finally making himself known in the conversation, and you cant help but note the way that everyone’s attention is magnetized toward him the minute he introduces his presence into the conversation. Although, seconds later all 6 sets of eyes are slowly flickering back to you, with Taehyung beside you sighing beneath his breath, before subtly squeezing your hand and you peer up to see him glancing at each of them individually, before his eyes settle on Jungkook.

‘Dongsaeng…since you seem so unsure about y/n…how about you give her a go?’

At first you’re affronted by Taehyung’s proposition, your mind immediately turning to all the sexual innuendo's implied by ‘give her a go’. Yet when you realize he meant test your skills, you have to smother the blush that floods your cheeks, avoiding the eyes of Jimin who’d been very attuned to where your train of thought was heading, and who in that moment was grinning at you across the table.

The rest of the group, however, had seemed to still in surprise at Taehyung’s proposition, as if they thought their boss was insane for pitting Jungkook against yourself, and the challenge in the notion itself had you instantly slipping your hand from Taehyung’s and pacing back a few steps to find a good space to spar with the other boy. You can’t help but catch the barely smothered smirk of pride that was pulling at the edges of Taehyung’s lips, smiling to yourself as you move your gaze from his to Jungkook as he slowly paces away from the table towards you, the look in his eyes holding the slightest apprehension at having to fight you which you could see was brought on by his assumption that you were a lot weaker than he was. However, since the moment you’d walked into the room to see the group, you’d been assessing each of their individual strengths and weaknesses, and even though you too were sure that Jungkook was definitely one of the strongest, you still had a handful of strategies that you knew would work to take him down.

‘Taehyung, are you sure-’ the one with the catlike eyes goes to question, but he’s quickly silenced by a hand held in a pausing motion toward him, Taehyung’s attention completely consumed by the scene in front of him.

‘No holding back. Give it all you’ve got, Jungkook-sshi.’ you mutter at the boy who now stood before you, his eyes narrowing at your direct address, before he sinks into a starting crouch, expressionless eyes staring at you to begin.

Everything within you sharpens to a pin prick then; your entire attention being consumed with the combat that was directly challenging you…

…There was no way you were going to lose this.

He made the move you were expecting; that was his first mistake.

The second he aimed for your right side you spun out of reach and attacked his right shoulder blade, knowing from the way he’d been stood earlier with the slant in his shoulder, that it was a weakness for him. The blunt force you attack him with distracts him momentarily from his own pursuit, but after briefly recovering from the suddenness of your hit, he’s instantly upping the game.

You brace yourself for his sweep, twirling almost elegantly, the move transfixing you with its grace, before he’s attacking you with a lot more force than before. 

‘Shouldn’t we stop-‘ you hear one of the boys go to cut in as you propel yourself into motion, the concern in their voice almost endearing…

….had it not been for your quick reciprocation of a threat in Jungkook’s direction, your nail slicing through the flesh of his cheek just as he goes to disarm you with a blow to your shins. 

‘Fuck…’ comes a hushed whisper of surprise from a couple of the boys, but you didn’t have a chance to tell them; you were only just starting. 

Before Jungkook could even raise his hackles in anger, you were lashing out with a flying spin kick, assaulting his shoulder to send him to his knees, and stopping him as he was about to get up by claiming him in a headlock, blade of your knife that you drawn from your boot pressed to his pulse to signify just how seriously you were taking this. 

‘Woah!-‘ 

‘I told you not to underestimate her.’ Taehyung pipes up as Jimin hurries to save Jungkook, the exclamation being an obvious halt to the sparring and causing you to feel slightly put out that you didn���t get to show more of your skills. However, you still manage to beam shyly at Taehyung as he offers you his own round of applause, the look on his face causing your body to flush with heat. 

‘She didn’t need to go that far.’ Mutters the one man who’d had yet to speak, his face as he comes into the light, startling you a little with its beauty and for a moment you remain transfixed as you release Jungkook from the life-challenging hold you had him restricted in. 

 ‘You all doubted her before…and if I’m not mistaken your doubt has dispersed…I’d say she did need to go that far.’ Taehyung counteracts, the edge of a growl in his voice, and you couldn’t help but feel that the sound simultaneously put you on edge, as well as made you very aroused. 

After his statement, the others seems to draw back into themselves; acknowledging his point whilst appearing to try and work out a way to get into his good books once again, although with the following question he asks as he reclines into one of the padded leather chairs arranged around the table, clearly it was nothing too hard to achieve. 

‘Right…now that we’re all on the same page;…where is that chicken Jimin-sshi?’

‘And where have you been all night?’

You roll your eyes at Kyuho’s abrupt, demanding question as you stroll into HQ a few hours later, barely 20 minutes of sleep under your belt, and only 4 shots of espresso to keep you going.

‘What jobs have you got for me today?’ is all you respond, not wanting to talk to him after what he’d said the night before, but knowing you had some unfinished business to attend to. 

You’d stayed up all night with Taehyung, each of his friends slowly slinking off to their beds as the hours drew on, whilst Taehyung remained with you. The two of you had sat talking about your favorite missions that you’d each been on, his hand holding yours gently in the space between your chairs, until you’d finally decided enough was enough; your eyes barely able to stay open for a second longer without coffee, and the sun creeping through the windows high on the walls of the warehouse signalling morning was approaching.

‘Are you going to answer my question or-‘

‘Im just here to finish what I started.’ You cut Kyuho off, the interruption pulling you from your memories of the way Taehyung had held your hand all night, and you flash your gaze up to look at your boss directly in the eye, finding him looking back at you with a steely gaze that flashes with mild surprise.

‘And what exactly-‘

‘Just give me my file for the day. I want to get finished asap.’

All he can do is stare at you with a single raised brow at your abrupt silencing of his question, before turning around to retrieve your prepared instructions, muttering something under his breath as he does so. As he turns back to offer you the file you can see he’s about to say something, but before he can you’re snatching the thin paper folder from him and heading for the door.

‘Y/N, I want to talk-‘ he attempts to stop you.

‘Works calling.’ You shout over your shoulder, hating the way you felt bad about your actions with the hint of regret you could hear in his words. But before you let yourself get hung up on him, you were mounting your motorcycle and speeding toward the destination of the day’s first tests.

(T.B.C)

[mixeddoctor]

The Frozen River, The Wet Tears and a Need for Strength

So today was a hard day. One of the hardest in awhile. My birthday was Monday and he emailed me on the weekend. I hadn’t been able to sleep. In 2 days I had gotten maybe 5 hours. It’s the worst. I’ve always been able to just fall asleep. But now I don’t want to be alone with my thought. I hate to admit that I don’t feel safe with myself alone here. I don’t feel safe in my own mind. Music doesn’t help all the time because it allows too much space for thought. It doesn’t drown anything out. I usually have my Hulu on till i knock out now because I cant think if I’m listening to an episode. The only problem is.... it’s like I’m afraid to sleep. My body finally gets to sleep and I get up and I’m dead tired but my body just goes and I don’t know where the energy comes from. Anyway, I hadn’t slept, I went to school, fell down the stairs on the way, and when I was leaving I got a call from a flower delivery person. I told them I wasn’t home and that I wouldn’t be for a few hours. I thought it was so nice of someone to send me flowers and then I realized that no one ever sends me flowers on my birthday except him (usually they are digital flowers because he never knew where I lived before then) and I asked who they were from and the delivery person said they just deliver so I couldn’t do anything. I got another call from another delivery person from edible arrangements but this time I asked who they were from and they told me it was him (going by my old nickname for him-bastard-that nickname was because he was one of the nicest people... or so I thought). I refused to accept them. I told the man to keep them or give them away because I refuse to accept them. Tat was before class. I felt like crap. The flowers at my door were gorgeous and I hated that I liked them. I hated that he could reach out and affect me in any way. I was angry that I told him not to contact me and he chose to disregard me. He sent it to my house! I kind of laughed it off but I told my 2 friends and my mom. One of my friends suggested I email him just saying to stop contacting me and that its the second time I asked because it needs to be documented in case I need to get a restraining order. I thought it was a good suggestion but decided I wouldn’t respond on my birthday. Couldn’t sleep again though. Had a long day at clinic and on my commute I wrote his email. I sent it to my girls to make sure it was appropriate. I got home and finally was able to sleep after not having slept for what seemed like forever. But I think I only slept 5 hours. I normally would have just slept through the night. And then I sent the email after an adjustment. And looked at my inbox and saw that his mother sent me birthday wishes. The woman is so sweet and in that moment I hated him for not telling her. He told me in one of his 6 or 7 unwanted emails that he had not had the heart to tell her what had happened and when she asked how I was doing he pretended not to hear her and went and cried. I was angry. Every correspondence he sent me either addressed me by an old nickname or like we were still on friendly terms. And then 1/2 of them, maybe more, described what HE was going through. How devastated HE was. His random bouts of crying. Missing me every day. I hated it! Why does he make it sound like HE’S the victim? He’s the victim of the consequences of his own fucking decision to take what I wouldn’t give him sober. An opportunity of a fucking lifetime I guess. And now hes hurt because I refuse to be in his life or have him in mine? Fuck you. FUCK YOU!!! SUCH A SELFISH ASSHOLE! He always prioritized what he wanted over what I wanted, needed, or what was in my best interest. And the worst thing is, if I’m honest, sometimes I’d feel bad for him, for what HE was going through but then I’d just get angry at myself and somehow the anger just allowed me to continue on. But back to his mom. I had met her in person and had helped her out via email and had spoken to her a few times on video chat while he was home or when she visited him. I felt like we had a cute little rapport. And she really is the sweetest woman. So as much as the email was so sweet, I decided in that moment she deserved to know why I wouldn’t be emailing or around after this correspondence. I felt it would be rude not to respond to her despite what her son did to me. So I responded. And then I had the balls he didn’t and told her, not graphically or angrily, but told her that after that email I wont be corresponding with anyone with any ties to him because after what he did it just is not good for my own emotional health and I apologized that the small relationship she and I developed had to suffer from his actions. I also def mentioned that I knows he taught him to be a man of integrity and good moral standing but he disregarded her teachings the night that he did what he did to me. I kind of felt apprehensive about sending it and then was just like screw it. I’m responding. I refuse to make myself look bad and I want to control what information she gets and make sure that he doesn’t claim “a night of drunken sex” or that I just stopped talking to him. I wanted to control what was said. Who was told. And that the truth was told. Maybe that’s a little of me trying to get my power back. A little of the control. Anyway... I sent them both after 1 am so I thought he’d be asleep especially because it’s the beginning of the semester so he has no reason to really be up late so he usually is in bed around midnight. His mom from what I know usually doesn’t sleep late. But know in retrospect, she may have been up and then woken his ass up because I got an email back at almost 3 am. 2:48am to be exact. And I read it. And he said that he never intended to be disrespectful with his correspondence... that he wanted to show that he still cared, that his existence in my life was not all about Sept 30th. That he wanted to be remembered as a man who loved and cared about me despite the fact that he raped me. I was impressed that he said the words. That he owned up to it. He also said he was beyond remorseful because remorse alone does not inspire change. He said that he was so used to sharing his emotions and personal things with me that he just wrote them. He said he wanted to help make my birthday special. And then he got angry because of something he interpreted as sarcastic. And he described how he has such a hard time because he cant just wipe me from his life easily and then implied that I’ve been able to wipe him away from my life and he said maybe I wish that he never existed and that maybe one day ill be able to purge him from my memory but he hopes not and that he hopes that I remember him as a friend who always wanted the best for me. That email fucked me over. I went to sleep trying to drown out my thoughts. Woke up and it was the first time that all I wanted to do was sleep (which happens to be early signs of depression for me) but I had grandrounds. And got out so I could get there on time. But I cried on my commute. Pretty much the whole way. On the bus. On the first train. On the second train. And when I got to the clinic, I went straight to the bathroom so I could just let it out and I must have cried for like 7 min. I had to hurry up and clean up because 1-I’m an ugly crier but 2-my eyes and nose get hella red and I didn’t want anyone to know. But I cried hard. I cried so hard. Because he makes me feel guilty. Like I am hurting him. Like I ruined a good person. And if I’m honest I was so confused at what I wanted to believe. If I believed him, could I still be angry? Was I petty to send that to his mother? Why can he even make me feel guilty? Why is HE the victim in this? Am I that terrible of a person? And then I remembered that I did love him- like he was my best friend. He was with me through med which has been so rough (but if I’m honest part of that has been rough because of him) and we had a very close relationship. Way too close but the attachment was real. And for him to do that to me. For him to take that from me. Because “[He] wanted [me] so bad”. Because he could. Because it was what he wanted. What he fantasized. Why do men who say they love me hurt me. My bio dad, many many of the previous people in my life. And why do I ruin and let down and destroy the good things (not even talking bout him but apart of me feels like he would never have done that had it not been me). Was it really me? Was it really my fault? I know he was wrong but did I push him that far? Why would he do it to me? God I feel dirty. and like a terrible person. I hate him! i Hate him! I hate him! I hate me too. I had so many plans today but I just wanted to lay in bed. I cooked so I kinda felt good but I just wanted to lay down and go to bed but I’M NOT SLEEPY~!!!! God this is not how I wanted to start off 27. I always thought something good would happen to me at 27. But if this is any indication, I’ll just be crying and shutting down. I couldn’t even get through this without breaking down multiple times. I really wanna disappear. I looked at the Potomac on the commute and other bodies of water that were frozen... and thought how that is such a good metaphor to how I feel. Cool and solid on the surface, but below still flowing current of emotions and that every email, every card, the flowers, and even my lack of sleep is like someone throwing a rock to crack the frozen surface. Some places are cracked all the way through until the next day when they freeze right back over. If I could just get through this year... I cant have this this year. Boards are coming up. I haven’t been able to bring myself to study. I just want to sleep and lay in bed and stare at my wall and cry and be buried in the bed. I got such a huge jump on work before class started and I was supposed to be done by yesterday and now its the end of today and I am not closer to where I need to be at all. There’s just more and more things that are piling up and I hate that this is happening. I hate that he is affecting me. I hate that I cant be stronger. Why cant I be stronger. Dear God, it doesn’t have to go away, but can I just please be a little stronger? Any strength sent my way would be greatly appreciated. Please.