#its just like a fucking smidge of guidance

[abby-the-druid]

Okay, for real, real question.

How the fuck are you actually supposed to write a dissertation? Like... there is no guidance? Is that my advisor or is that me?

I feel like someone said "Hey, write me a 150 page document about something you did over the course of the last 5 years."

And I said, "Okay, but like, how do you want that to look?" and no one answered.

And so I said, "but like, you think x y z should go in it, right?" and no one answered.

and so I said, "but like... how should I go about that?" and no one fucking answered.

So now, like as of a day ago, I was asked to have a completed dissertation to turn into my advisor NEXT WEEK.

So I've been doing the spongebob, right? Like staring down at paper, writing furiously, reading furiously, I have had a headache every day for at least 2 straight weeks; I have bags under the bags on my eyes - my fiancé literally told me I have 3 consecutive bags under each eye where they just keep getting worse; I am not sleeping well unless I take my large dose medicine; I am not tired, I am only tired, I am not hungry, my body does not feel normal, I am not bathing regularly, I am behind on chores and

I

STILL

DON'T

KNOW

WHAT THE FUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO TO WRITE THIS.

What the fuck am I supposed to be doing? Like I'm going to give this a try but I cannot express how much I DO NOT KNOW what I'm doing.

And you say, but surely, Abby, in the last 5 years at this institution you've published right? Surely your advisor has kept up and made sure you're making good progress, right? Obviously, they have prepared you in some capacity, right?

I would say to you, unfortunately, no. No, I have not published a single first author pub in the last 5 years. My advisor has not kept up to the point over the summer we had not a single meeting -I need weekly meetings otherwise I fall into the void and am taken by the aether- and after waiting 3 months for him to give me feedback on my first paper - the first one I've written in any professional capacity - I am told to deliver a full thesis.

Somebody just fucking take me out brother. I am beyond lost at this point and feel like a failure.

Thanks for listening.

If you do have advice, it would be greatly appreciated because I'm losing my fucking mind.

[ryleektv]

Lorenzo Berkshire Headcannons

Part 2

Warnings: suggestive content (i think?? i don't remember), language, diving deep into toxic Lorenzo, not proof read

again, don't come after me if you don't agree

WC: 646

• quidditch keeper. practices a pretty normal amount unless he makes some stupid mistake during a game, then you best believe his ass is out there forcing theo to help him practice for the next 3 days

• definitely plays football (soccer 😔✊) and is actually good at it

• thinks he is the shit. this dudes ego is dangerously inflated and someone desperately needs to tell him no, reject him, lead him on, literally anything to humble him because he truly thinks he can just play God

• however i solely believe someone will at some point manage to somehow break his heart and that all will come absolutely crashing down

• ofc that'll only last about 0.02 seconds and then he'll be in his rebound kick and worse than ever but at least there was a small sliver of time when he realized that he is not in fact the shit and he's actually just a hot wannabe frat boy that got semi lucky in life

• also somehow really good with kids?? and obviously that's really attractive but how is he good with kids?? why does it make sense?? 

• gives off the kinda vibe of finding him holding some random baby at a family reunion (fuck knows not his family 😬) and having no clue who's it is but lowkey enjoying the baby snuggles (as he should) 

• will not admit to enjoying the baby snuggles.

• if he wasn't attractive, your mother would hate him, but he also has a major flirt personality and knows damn well he's gorgeous therefore is great at faking the niceties for parents so your mama won't bat an eye at the total asshole aura

• 50/50 chance your dad hates his guts and sees right through him (if you have no dad though you're just shit out of luck in terms of getting actually good relationship guidance because there's no way he's not making a "i didn't know you had a sister" comment.)

• Knee Socks is actually him???

• would own a blue lacoste?? would be attracted to the knee socks?? yes

• i feel like he would suffer from major summer depression. being away from school distractions, away from school in general, away from his friends, stuck in a gloomy ass manor, constantly surrounded by reminders of his shit parents. bud is not doing well

• more than likely has issues with attachment too (huge contrast to the commitment issues). does not do well being away from his close friends but would rather cut off his dick than admit it

• cannot be alone. lonely is no go. he is a people person, he doesn't have to like you to need some company and use you for it 

• this does in fact feed into his whole womanizer persona 

• off of the sad bit, he is a real genuine sweetheart to Narcissa and Narcissa only. 

• cissy may not always be the best parental figure, however compared to his other options it's like comparing shit to candy. candy is a million times better even if its not always good therefore he definitely emotionally attached himself to her

• yelled at her once and had a mental breakdown

• maybe if you're dating him and you're lucky, she might talk a little sense into him and make him just a smidge less of an asshole

• speaking of, buddy has flings and situationships. dates for a few weeks at most every once in a while but it's mostly that ridiculous unofficial dating situationship that makes you want to bash your head in 

• it gets talked about a lot too, specifically around the girls because they all think they're smart enough to be with him without getting caught up in his messy self

• king of manipulation and surprisingly doesn't realize it half the time. he knows he's outstandingly good at manipulating everyone he just doesnt always notice when he's doing so 

• overall just a toxic babe

[blackjackkent]

The building the fisherman sent us to is a large warehouse sitting right on the edge of the water.

Hm.

This oil-vs-blood thing is very strange. I'm still sticking with my theory that there's some fucked up Steel Watcher going around murdering people, but I don't think it's actually correct.

The warehouse is called Flymm Cargo, and its door is locked. Unlocking it reveals a bunch of dead goblins and some very, very angry worgs.

Not pictured, a number of local refugees who panicked when the fight started, which is super reasonable, and ran straight INTO the building and disappeared, which is not.

Not a terribly difficult fight. The worgs were named Gristle, Snarrrl, Rrrripper, Snapp, and Cuddleface(!), and stayed mostly grouped up so Minsc's AOE throw with Nyrulna did a lot of work. Also tried having him throw Boo into the fray for the first time; I'm not positive it had any tactical benefit but it was quite satisfying to see Boo squeaking his way through the air and slamming into an enemy.

Minsc also shouted "Buttkicking for goodness!" which brought my heart a lot of joy.

The combination of Hector, Karlach, and Minsc really makes for a juggernaut team comp (with Jaheira often alongside as a panther bc I am being a disappointment to Zen's guidance and making her go murder kitty all the time even though it's not optimal). XD

The warehouse seems to be otherwise abandoned except for the aforementioned dead goblins, who I assume owned the worgs. Hector was able to perceive a trapdoor under some cargo containers which seems to be the only likely path forward.

This at first led to what seemed like a fairly nondescript basement until I realized that it is lined with what appear to be prison cells. O.o Not sure what Flymm Cargo is hauling but it seems maybe a smidge concerning.

Thankfully there don't seem to be any people in any of the cells. (Or anything for that matter, except for one propaganda pamphlet about Gortash's new regime.) One small mystery solved, though - I now know where that "A Greasy, Smelly Climb Up..." area transition in the sewers would have led to:

Lovely. Thankfully we don't have to go that way; there's one other main door out of this area.

Hm. Machines that leak oil that looks like blood, perhaps?

Inside Machine Parts Storage we find:

Thieves' tools

Infernal iron (is there any point to carting this around anymore?)

Something called "G-Cube Lube"

Gross. Please tell me that's not what all the grease down in the sewers was.

Further on... I think we might have hit the jackpot.

...Is that a submarine? O.O

The area has one guard and is full of steaming pipes and cranking gears and seems very industrial compared to much of the city. There's a journal sitting on a desk in one corner:

Hm. First of all - Clockwork Escape Kayak is my new rock band name. Second - I'm assuming the "Cap" is the submarine, and I'm guessing to that it has something to do with the attack on Holli. What else around here would have made the sort of big wake that the fisherman was describing?

The journal is labeled "Redhammer's Journal" and the man by the sub is named "Redhammer the Deviser" so I'm guessing he's the man in charge.

"Oi, what's this? You ain't supposed to be down here, mate!"

Narrator: You spot a curious metal contraption - a submersible.

Hector has a few more intimidating/conflict-oriented dialogues here, but to start with he's just going to sate his own curiosity until the man tries to throw him out physically. "That submersible - why is it here? What is this place?"

"The only port in this whole bleedin' city that matters," the dwarf answers, unhelpfully. "Now why are you here? Did Gortash send you?"

As usual, Hector has no interest in lying, nor would he be much good at it. "You killed one of those servants of Umberlee," he says matter-of-factly. "Now they want you dead."

The dwarf raises an eyebrow - wary, but not afraid. "Oh yeah? And are you here to make good on that?"

Hector hesitates. Is he? Certainly he needs more information to know if he wants to kill this man in cold blood - his only true goals here are to impede Gortash's operation and to prevent any more innocent Umberlants from getting killed out in the water.

"I just want to know what happens in this port," he says firmly.

"Nothing without Lord Gortash's go-ahead," Redhammer says impatiently. "I transport whoever he needs taken to the Iron Throne. It's an underwater prison - most secure in the Realms. Lord Gortash keeps some Gondians there. Collateral to keep those working in the Steel Watch Foundry under control."

Hector's eyes widen. Oh, shit...

His brain starts working rapidly, parsing together a number of different facts all at once.

The Iron Throne - he knows from his own historical reading - is a name that goes back more than a century. Originally it belonged to a so-called merchant organization which orchestrated the iron crisis in Nashkel, a plan which was co-opted by the Bhaalspawn Sarevok in his attempted takeover of Baldur's Gate. How long has there been a prison named for it? Is it an official one, or a new one constructed under Gortash's leadership? Was the name a dark joke on Gortash's part? Or perhaps on Orin's?

And the Gondians...

He feels a flash of brutal vindication. He was right, and Wulbren was wrong. The Gondians are being coerced - their compatriots, or perhaps loved ones, being held imprisoned to secure their loyalty. To destroy the foundry wholesale would have been to kill trapped innocents.

And though he came here with the vague thought of assisting the Umberlants in their revenge, that thought has been replaced by another, far more important plan. Those prisoners need to be set free.

Not just because it is the right thing to do (though it is), but by doing so, they would destroy Gortash's leverage over the Gondians, and destroy the Foundry's support system. Having done that - it follows, theoretically at least - the Steel Watch will crumble, or at least be significantly weakened.

Hector feels a pulse of excitement starting to thud under his jaw - though his control holds, and none of it shows in his face. "You're going to take me to the Iron Throne," he says coolly. ""m getting the prisoners out."

The dwarf examines his impassive expression for a moment in silence, then shrugs. "I'll take you in," he agrees. Whether he is afraid of Hector's threat or simply doesn't give a shit is unclear; Hector supposes he'd take either. "But look-- there's some bad shit going down in there. You don't want to get involved. Neither did I, but it was them or me."

Hector opens his mouth to ask for clarification, but Redhammer turns away, shrugging him off. "I'll get Cap warmed up. Get in when you're ready."

-----

They all eye the little submersible rather warily as it starts to hum with power in the water.

"We are to go beneath the waves?" Minsc asks, some of his usual jovial humor missing from the question. "It is not that Minsc is afraid, you understand, but Boo does so very much dislike being wet..."

Hector smiles slightly. "I can't say I blame him, Minsc. On the bright side... this man is clearly as self-interested as they come, and therefore would likely not trust his own hide to that machine if it were not safe."

"The only true constant in the world," Jaheira murmurs dryly.

"Cheer up, Minsc," Karlach says with a grin from Hector's other side. She has been visibly excited to get a chance to talk to their new ranger companion whenever the opportunity presents, and this is no different; he can see the way her eyes are glowing with energy. "You heard what the dwarf said. It's an evil prison, and that means evil guards. You know what that means!"

Minsc brightens up at once and Boo, on his shoulder, gives a loud squeak. "You are right, my fiery friend! That is ever so many evil butts we may kick with both boots!"

[libratvulizardheadcanonstrove]

FE 16 Playthrough: Part 5:

In-Game Dates: 4/22, 4/23, 4/26

Great Tree Moon, and a lot of talky stuff that I cannot pause. Huh, Adrestia is in the south. And I guess the the monastery is in its own like little independent state?

But we’re here! At the actual game location! I do kinda feel for Jeralt here tho. Twenty years of evading with his kid just to be brought back by pure bad luck. And I do wonder how much of what Rhea and Jeralt say is just for the sake of appearances (Byleth existence, the mom dying, etc). The fucking monastery theme is a big whiplash tho. Yeah, Jeralt’s worst fears are happening - doo-do-doo-da-da-doo. Jeez man. Also wait. They don’t want the Ashen Demon merc to be in their army, but to teach?? It is a little like “Wouldn’t the way more experienced Jeralt be the better teacher?? He technically taught Alois (and Leonie) so there’s already teaching exp??” However, it might have something to do with Jeralt and his “defiance” being too much of a liability for teaching the students. A blank slate though? Yeah, they won’t put anything to question the Church in their heads. OMG, Alois is the one who recced us for teaching?

When we cut to Seteth and Rhea talking in private, my first instinct to him saying we’re a child is “Ugh, game, we’re twenty-one! You literally tell us this later! We’re not some peer to these actual teens!” Then I thought “Wait, he’s old as hell and has to constantly manage everyone else’s shit”. So, I’ll let it slide this time game. And I guess the “suspicious individual” they’re talking about is the Flame Emperor?

FINALLY I CAN START TO RUN AROUND!! My first quest is to talk to the three leaders, but I’m encouraged to talk to all of the students. I run into E first. Decided against grilling her too much this playthrough. I ran into the Deer kids first and they’re so cute! NOT CLAUDE SHADING THE OTHER HOUSES FOR THEIR MESS! Claude, look... you’re right, but you shouldn’t say it.

I decide to see the Eagle kids as well so I’ll preemptively miss them. And I’m probably looking too deep into this, but when Ferdinand says the “legitimate” son of the Aegir family, could that imply illegitimate sons? God Hubert can’t help talking like a vampire huh? Okay gonna talk to my kids-oh sonuvabitch, does Sylvain really have to be the first to see?? Well, this my first Guy!leth playthrough, so maybe he can be a bit more tolerable. Damn, Felix really is on sight huh? Just like a real autistic person in RPGs!

I talk to Dimitri and he says “I bet I can benefit greatly from your guidance!”. Like, yeah man, you have no idea how much the plot is gonna make you rely on me and my guidance to the detriment of your own agency. I am gonna grill him on the Lions.

 Ingrid: They literally go “Ingrid has no weaknesses as a unit”, yeah, okay game. But okay, her strengths are Swords, Lances, Riding and Flight. Decent on-set stats, but lowest is Defense. And her Personal Skill gives her boosts with Gambits.

Annette: you know, this is the first time I’m actually looking at her Personal Skill. She can automatically use Rally to give +4 Strength to someone. I guess I should try to pair her with a martial unit. Strengths are Axes, Reason and Authority, while her weaknesses at the start are Bows and Armor. Much more obvi mage stats.

Mercedes: absolute white mage with that Personal Skill. A two-for-one heal! And huh, she’s got a lotta weaknesses. Swords, Spears, Axes and Armor. While her two strengths are Reason and Faith. Keep an eye on her Luck and defense.

Sylvain: Right his Personal Skill is about being a fuckboi. Actually, that might be mean to fuckbois, my bad fuckbois. But yeah, it also means he does a smidge better in combat when next to a girl. Strengths are Lances, Axes and Riding. Only weakness is Bows. HOLY SHIT HIS RESISTANCE IS 2!

Ashe: our little lockpick boi. His only two strengths are Axes and Bows. And his only weakness is Reason. Decent stats.

Felix: the “don’t give him Battalions” unit. Strengths are Swords, Bows and Fists. Really suggesting an Assassin endgame. Weaknesses are Reason and Authority. God, his Strength is high and his Res is low.

Dedue: His Personal Skill suggests he’s a good guard for skinny entrances. Wow, he’s gotta lotta strengths. Lances, Axes, Fists and Armor. While his weaknesses are Faith, Riding and Flying. HOLY DAMN HIS STRENGTH IS HIGH, AND HIS RES IS 1!

Dimitri: Strengths are Swords, Lances and Authority. Weaknesses are Axes and Reason. I was about to freak out that his strength is higher than Dedue’s, but I remembered I got him leveled up lol. Keep an eye on that Res.

I go back to Rhea and the staff to pick my house. Seteth is making it known that he doesn’t trust me (fair, it’s called good taste). Hi Flayn. Right there’s the mock battle coming up. I go to talk to the kids (and manchild Sylvain). Ugh, the grossness with the teacher aspect begins, where literally the only option is to tell the kids to treat me like a friend. Not really bad now on its own, but with later shit... Dimitri says that we’re not in the kingdom, maybe pointing to me being onto something earlier? Wow, Mercie is self-aware that’s she’s the White Mage. And how dare you make Sylvain have kind of a point about only bonding through fighting?! And Ingrid’s like “Shut up nerd! This is the jock house! You wanna go talk about your feelings, go to the Golden Deer!”

Oh, it’s the 26th now. We’re getting lightly hounded by Hanneman, which is cool with me because he’s a nerd with Igor-from-Persona’s voice. Oh, it’s lore time. Well, it’s nice that Hanneman gets to info-dump ig? Especially if it is maybe compatible with my silly headcanons to basically give everyone superpowers-a surprisingly common thing with me. Also, that was a pretty short lore-dump. And it’s cute to see Hanneman be a dork.

Okay, next post will be the first free-roam around the monastery!

[stozkpile]

RIGHT? like im sure he was acting like a particularly volatile child but at the same time he was LITERALLY created like that, piece by piece, and could very well have benefitted from repairs/better guidance/maybe even having him leave the colony instead of shutting him down or like...unconditional love. like, knowing your parents dont care abt you the way you care abt them and that they're willing to throw you away for their reputations....wow

and yeah dr. soong telling lore he was old and dying as a way to keep him at terlina 3 was wack. lore was literally just gonna go fuck off back to space but he said that to lore and lore was UPSET and he didn't even do anything abt it!!!

i rly would like to know what exactly lore did on omicron theta that freaked the colonists out bc that SOLE piece of info will determine how sympathetic he is to me and we dont know. it kills me. but as of now yeah im like...lore's actions are evil but arent done as a big great plan, its all done purely as a form of percieved revenge. but i think the genuine begrudging love he had for his dad n for his little brother pointed to like...the potential for him to be genuinely good with a smidge of fucked-up-edness. and its his complex around being thrown away that makes him treat everything else around him like garbage. he just doesnt care! he's gleefully miserable!

if lore was rescued w data and both of them were taken to starfleet...lore goes to therapy and his anger and mistrust around humans resolves...data has a brother that understands him and his situation exactly...i can only dream. but it wouldve been nice :(

⚠️long strek post abt lore⚠️

isnt it kinda sad that the reason lore soong is so bitter and selfish is bc he was completely abandoned by his parent/s for being mentally ill (in the way that an android can) and literally left unfinished while data got 100% of the attention and improvements? and as much as dr. soong said he would've helped lore, he never took his parts with him or tried to fix him in ALL the time he spent aging on an uninhabited planet, although he made an emotion chip for data (not to mention listening to the other colonists demanding that he put lore to SLEEP).

PLUS lore never got the opportunity to develop emotional maturity or morals. what were the chances that he was just acting like a maniacal toddler bc thats where his brain was since he was CREATED AS A GROWN MAN and the colonists were just put off by it instead of him making an informed choice to be evil??? like where is the therapy? and isnt it also dr. soong's fault for trying to make sons that were way smarter/stronger than an average human and then virtually disowning one of them like that wouldnt make a supervillain...

lore KNEW he was going to get deactivated (for an undetermined amount of time no less) when he contacted the crystalline entity and was aware data would get created in his stead. he knew he'd be stuck on the planet disassembled without anyone there to reassemble him. it was dying to him and he took everyone else out for revenge. this man did not have a plan to get reactivated.

i will not deny the fact that lore is absolutely batshit crazy but its all centered around his complex abt humans and the fact the only people he actually loves are his dad that put him in the android equivalent of an induced coma for being bad and his golden child brother who everyone likes better and who idolizes humans. DOESNT IT MAKE YOU KIND OF SAD? DOESNT IT KIND OF HURT?

anyways im a villain apologist

[corona525]

Sometimes its better to end it

I sat there on sheets stained in my deadly thoughts. It was never ending and I continued to endure but why? What was so important that I had to continue this way. My eyes stayed glued to my razor who now had a name,Travis. I wasn’t concerned that my thighs were still bleeding or that my phone continued to buzz. I felt nothing and only wanted to sleep and sleep, and sleep with no chance of waking up. Time passed and my heavy head fell to the pillow; Travis still in hand as the darkness came to I felt the brokenness form its forever home. Morning came too fast and the sun rays flashed through the window shining behind my eyes.. How had life taken such a turn for the worst? My thoughts stewing hard the tears began to come.

Times felt as if they were unbearable for the twenty three year old. She’d lost her job, her relationships felt empty, and disasters were happening in triplets. It was a lot to handle; no one seemed to understand just how sad she felt despite her efforts to keep a positive attitude. The waves were coming down on her hard and it felt like there was no one around that truly cared to listen. With all of her bones she wanted to lay there wallowing in her self pity but it's easy to ignore people not so much with animals. Her furbabies had began to stir and paw at her tears. “I guess I can’t hide from you guys.” Kamaiyah smirked and ran her fingers through the kittens hair. When her feet touched the ground it was like a rock being thrown at her gut. It was a new day but she felt the same. Still the same broken Kamaiyah it could almost be comical.  She continued to play her role though as cat mom, girlfriend, sister and friend. Until it became too much, her personal world was falling to shambles and there was no one to blame and no one to fix it but herself. Life was happening to fast and Kam could not catch up whenever she felt progress was being made a slap back to reality was always there. But Kam has always been one to try and find a way to maintain the good. Once the cats had been fed and a shower was taken Kam sat on her couch bong in hand.

My mind was overwhelmed and my soul felt empty, there were no more tears to cry. For the first time in awhile I felt my boy completely relax against the sofa and reveled in it. What am I going to do now? I  began to ask myself again as the smoke left my lips. This was my rock bottom and it hurt. It hurt deeper than past experiences, maybe because other people had caused that trauma and it was out of my control but this time I felt at fault. All decisions have consequences after them good or bad and it was starting to feel like I’d made a lot of poor choices. I couldn’t lose everything though, but that’s exactly what was going to happen. Everything that I had been working so hard for. A new car that could get me around and looked nice (failed), an apartment that didn't have a ceiling leak (failed), a job that paid well and got me through (also failed), all these things I’d worked so hard for in just a few months time were tumbling out of my lap and crashing hard. No amount of meditation can fix this right now, but yet I did it anyway. I sat and really focused not on my problems or solutions to those problems, I just focused on nothing and took in the environment I was in. I needed to find serenity in the chaos. I needed to find just a smidge of strength,hope, endrance, anything to just keep pushing. But there was nothing left, nothing more that she could salvage to stay alive for. This was the time for her to end it all. She took one last hit of her bong and found paper and pen and began to write.

It was happening again, I could feel it all. I could feel all of the entropy, darkness, and pure chaos. It makes my chest heavy and my templed pulse; it always seems to be never ending. I can’t move barely breathing, my chest is tight and my eye bleed tears. It feels never ending. Day after day, event after event, I have always pushed on and stood on my feet to prevail. But I believe I’ve lost that fight. I believe that I can’t stay away from the darkness. It’s constantly calling and forever beckoning me to come to it. I can not continue to live. I don’t want to live anymore. It’s too hard to continue on like this. I’m not strong enough to handle the events present or the events to come. This warrior is calling it quits. I can no longer be the wicked witch I proclaim to  be. So I’m leaving. It is no one’s fault but my own. I take responsibility for my actions through and through. We all make choices and with every choice good or bad there is a consequence; and it feels like I’ve just been making a lot of bad choices recently. Even when I thought those choices were good and going to bring a positive to my life it always seemed to crash and burn. I don’t know exactly when I started to spiral again but it hit hard and hit deep. You’d think I’d have a handle on this by now but every time you win a battle the enemy comes back harder and stronger. And sometimes we’re not always prepared for that harder and stronger. This time I guess I just wasn’t prepared and I’m not sure how to come out of this or fight back. Fighting back seems pointless when you’re just going to get fucked in the end anyway. So I’m leaving on my own terms, trapped in the darkness but freeing myself from it. Letting out the bullshit rage and depression. And I’m sorry that I could not live up to everyone perspectives. I tried not only because that's what you wanted, but it was what I wanted as well.Seeing your smiles and feeling your warm moments is what I will miss the most from you all.  Like I said this is no one’s fault but my own I wanted this. Selfish? Perhaps. But I’m not mentally strong, and as much as I like to pretend and try to make myself stronger it just becomes more of a let down. I could never seem to find the true exit door out of purgatory and on to true freedom. This is the only true way out. And I’m sad, and angry, and yet I’m joyful that this is over and I hope the ones that will be pissed at me forgive me and the ones that love me continue to do so because I never, never stopped loving any of you I just wanted you to have the best and I’m not the best. Peace, Love and Magic my fellow creatures.

Kam

My truth laid out to see and hopefully understood, I didn’t have much left to say to anyone. I rose to my feet and ran a bath. I lit candles and played chill edm while the tub filled. I prayed to venus and asked for guidance and strength to get through this. I sat in the tub calm feeling the music pulse; seeing the shadow of the flames flicker. With one wrist at a time I drug Travis across my skin, slowly feeling the life slip. I sobbed quietly as I whispered my final goodbyes to everyone in my existence, hoping that one day they’ll forgive for being so selfish and understand why and how I made this choice. I can see all of their smiling faces now as my eyes close and sleep takes over.

[jayxtrejo]

Unfinished, continued....

I feel empty again, I’m back in solitude..

Things just seem different for some reason, I can’t put my finger on it it’s just a wave of sadness

Either I’m growing with you or out growing you.

Your priorities are becoming more clear.

Im starting to become okay with certain ideas..

I think it’s time..

Im outside again.

I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with, I require a lot of attention, I get upset easily and make a fuss over the smallest things but, but I also tend to over love to care more than I should to give more than I receive to simply just love unconditionally, maybe my problem had been that I’ve never had the same effort reciprocated back.. maybe it’s been given to me in the wrong ways or the ways you think are okay, not the way it should. I have a damaged past and for that same reason I am a better person for YOU today.. but for that same reason I am a damaged individual who’s also just lost and needs guidance who longs to become your only priority maybe I’m selfish, maybe I really am asking you too much, why should I feel the way I do when all I’m honestly asking in return is just your unconditional love and affection and to be made first before everything and everyone.. maybe this wasn’t meant for me, right person wrong time, maybe you’re the one that’s not ready for me.. I’ve been afraid of that scenario tbh but it might be the only thing that makes sense at this point and I don’t know how to really feel about that.

I hate being put second.

Inconsistent, you’re doing it again. Is it really that hard to have even a smidge of your fucking attention. Still facing the same problem. But honestly ima let it fucking go, if you wanna talk to me you would, if you wanted me their you would. If you care you will. I have no control over that.

What’s meant for me will never miss me and what isn’t will make its way out my life without interrupting a thing.

Im sad..

It’s our first anniversary since our “break” and honestly more than ever I want to spend it with you till the night runs down... but of course you have other plans already not involving me & i have to be “okay” with because that’s what you want but it’s not fair...

I want you all to myself..

I love you & miss you so much..

The reality of it all is I’m just damaged goods trying to be enough, I look to you at times, the person I want to be around me is sometimes the person who is also never around when I need the most.. I’ve become to accept that. You don’t understand how much it hurts because of how much I’ve invested.. having a heart this big is such a fucking burden. Cursed if you will.

Why do I allow myself to be put through this..

Will it get better or am I just hoping it will

I have to start facing your reality.. your mindset and wants and needs.. the fact you, might just not be ready..

Im not enough. I’m wearing down.

Distance.

Chance.

Inconsistent.

Sorrow.

Love.

TLC.

Demise.

Uplift.

Im crying again.. just like that first day after the incident..

Im so sorry. I love you.

Waited up all night and still couldn’t get some attention. That’s okay, getting use to it.

I was up all night hoping for a text back..

Today felt a bit easier, still unsettling but easier.

Feeling lonely again.

This range of emotions is terrible...

I miss you.

I love you..

I think one of the scariest parts of all this is that I don’t know what you’re doing or saying on your end.. like I could be over here talking about “we’re good” and all that but your still on your “break” hype saying we aren’t together or worse..

I think that’s always an issue that you never know what the other one is doing behind your back and you will never know, but a FYI you’re always good on my end. Never have to worry, I can’t say the same for you in all honesty & I don’t know how that makes me feel.

I hate not seeing you & it’s killing me not asking to see you but I’m trying to give you that space you ask for yet it just seems like there’s more distance each time.

I hate not being able to hug you all the time as before

I hate not being shown off

I hate this

I hate this I fucking this

I know this is a process but for how much longer..

I guess as long as it takes, right?

It’ll be okay, right?

Yes, it has too..

We didn’t come all this way for nothing. I know we didn’t. We did all this for a reason.. show me.

Love me, miss me, long for me. Please...

I love you..

I hate this fucking distance

I hate not seeing you... I miss you so much.

Your smile

Your face

Your laugh

Your lips

Those big brown eyes

Your little tummy

You, I just miss you.. soooo much.

Had to get on the phone to hear your voice.

That text saying you wanted to tell me “I love you” again made my heart melt.

Sometimes you just gotta accept that certain things are out control & do with whats still their.

Once again, you have just let me down.

It’s sad honestly, not even mad.

I just gotta accept I’m not that important of a person in your life as you say I am. Your actions speak louder than words. Worst part is believing in your words and trusting you all for it to just come crashing down, once again.. you’re the only one who causes this. Yet you expect changes from me when I can’t get the minimum from you.

It’s painful, thinking I come first. Haha, funny how shit works.

Do your thing tho, you just keep showing me where I truly stand in your life.

Why do you love to cause me pain, better yet. Why do I still continue to allow it. Am I just a fool. Do I love you blindly without any restrictions, am I still hoping for the best. Whatever the reason is, I’ll never know.

Each day you just stray more and more. You used to want to spend everyday with me, now I can’t even get the time of day..

It’s changing and it hurts.. it’s killing me on the inside.

I just miss you and wanna see you. But of course you choose others than me as usual..

Sucks that I’m not your priority no more, that whatever we have comes last now. It’s more clear what you really want and where I stand in your life.

I had plans of taking you for a nice dinner tonight then coming home for a movie night and catering to you since you’re not feeling right. But all that’s gone to trash.. you prefer otherwise I’m just not important no more.

Little things..

The effort should be coming from both of us not just me. It’s all one sided & it’s what you want. Not me.

I’m back to looking at my old self in the mirror.

I brought this upon myself, so in reality theirs nothing and no one else to blame but myself.

I always sought out you’d be the correct change and person I needed. Don’t get me wrong, you brought change and you’re someone I love but as the days progress that just seems to be the thing I’m now longing for the most.

What hurts and is upsetting the most is I plan my days along side you telling you about my days and how it went to just having your undivided attention, to be loved and cared for, to give you all I can and within seconds your priorities change and now you’re doing something else. As if you didn’t give two fucks about what our plans and did what you want instead even if that means canceling last minute but hey I’m not surprised, natter a fact I should be used to it by now but here I am still trying to see the better in you.

Sad isn’t it?

The worst part is I’ve told you that I’ve been feeling down and out and just so sad and all I wanted is you, you’re nowhere to be found..

Another possibility is maybe I’m the one for you but you ain’t the one for me.. yet I still chose you.

I had hopes of keeping this note going for years, for us to look back on and reminisce on when we have our children and are enjoying our older years. Today you let your actions do all the talking and after tonight I know what I am and where I stand. Today i am now finished with tears in eyes and glass in my throat. This is my last note, i have one thing left to say, I have loved you from day 1, I have always had trust in you no matter the circumstances, you have been my pride and joy and also my priority for that matter. I have put you above everyone and everything. I have loved you more than I have loved myself. I gave you more than I could ever give anyone. I cherished every second at your side. I craved every last kiss you gave me. I love you with out conditions or restrictions. I gave you my best and it wasn’t enough. You took advantage of me, knowing I’d forgive you every time. You made me look a fool infront of others and never gave me my place. I wasn’t your priority. Talk was cheap. I wanted you forever and you wanted me forever. But my “forever” was for eternity and your “forever” was only for a year and few months. No matter how low you sunk me down I still stood by you, no matter what you did I stood by you.. no matter the situation I picked you up and pushed you through it for you to come out on top. I didn’t receive the same from you. I broke my rules for you, bent regulations and all. I ran act the world for you when you couldn’t even walk a mile for me. Your interpretation of things will always be different because you will never see wrong by your part. Because to you the bare minimum is enough and will always be “enough”, nevertheless I never asked for much. But it was always too much for you. I held your name in the highest of podiums y de ti todo a manos llenas. Maybe I should have done things differently, maybe I should have been a little harder. But I couldn’t, you are my princess, my muse the only one I ever cared about for that matter. I took the honor in being a lot of your first time things events and moments, every minute spent by your side was heavenly and I couldn’t of asked for nothing better. I have no regrets. You are what I want but I’m not what you deserve. May be you’re the right person wrong time or maybe this just ain’t it. You are so many things but you are the one I’ll truly ever love most of all. You had so many defects and I fixed them, rebuilt you and made you into something new. I dealt with all your insecurities and loved you as you were. Your greed and selfishness got the best of you. You pushed me away mentally and you didn’t notice. You let others come before me & didn’t give me my rightful place. You are blinded by whats you want and not what’s right, you let it get the best of you.

Our faith was tested and lost.

I love you Emily & nothing will ever change that, I have no regrets, this is my final note, I will no longer be writing. I hope you get to read this.