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phoenixshaman · 8 years ago

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Super-post: Humans, Aliens, & Space

I dig all these ‘Humans are weird’, ‘Humans are space Orks’ ‘Earth could kick alien butt’ ‘Human-Steve’ type posts, and I see so many awesome variant threads that I wanted to try and put as many as possible in one place.

This has been a bit of a labour of love (and although I probably missed a few I have re-bloged before, and there are probably versions I have yet to see) I have attempted to curate and merge the various splinter threads into a whole (and have for the sake of length taken out some of the replies that were just saying how cool it is). This post includes: “Humans are weird”, “Human-Steve”, “You want a human”, & “They weren’t counting on bears.”, among others.

Enjoy -PhoenixShaman

arcticfoxbear:

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?

What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.

arafaelkestra:

To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a ‘humans are awesome’ fiction megapost: “you don’t know you’re from a Death World until you leave it.” For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.

crazy-pages:

Alien: “I’m sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?”

Human: “Honestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.”

Alien: “……. I’m sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?”

Human: “Yeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.”

Other human: “Nah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.”

Human: “Heh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.”

Alien: “……. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?”

Human: “Eugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.”

Alien: “……. We’ve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.”

val-tashoth:

“You’re telling me that you have… settlements. On islands with active volcanism?”

“Well, yeah. I’m not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, it’s kind of a tourist attraction.”

“What, the molten rock?”

“Well, yeah! It’s not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcano–”

“You ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?”

“Shit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.”

wuestenratte:

Sounds like the “Damned” trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.

the-grand-author:

“And you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?”

“Yup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.”

“Amazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?”

“… well, actually…”

“… what?”

“…we kinda……. sent……….. people…..”

“…”

“…what?”

“we sent-”

“no yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent… HUMANS… to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?”

“y-yeah”

“and they didn’t… die?”

“Well the first few did”

“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?”

arcticfoxbear:

My new favorite Humans are Weird quote

“PEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?”

aka The History of Russia

aka Arctic Exploration

aka The History of Alaska

unicornempire:

Being from Alaska, this was sort of how I felt going to college in the lower 48′s and learned that no one else had been put through a literal survival camp as a regular part of their school curriculum, including but not limited to:

1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.

2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldn’t get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)

3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.

4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, y’know, you’re in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)

5. How to carve out a small igloo-like space to sleep in the snow to preserve body heat and reduce the windchill so you won’t freeze to death in the arctic.

otherwise-called-squidpope:

“I’m telling you, I don’t think we need to worry about territory conflicts with the humans. You know all those deathtrap hell-worlds in the Argoth Cluster?”

“Those worthless rocks? Yeah.”

“80% of them are considered ‘resort destinations’ by those freaky little primates.”

insane-male-alphabeticalsymbol:

This would be an interesting read if this was a book.

Like, an alien invasion is about to start and the book is a chronicle of how the aliens couldn’t handle both humans in general and the range of environments and ended up being destroyed through the eyes of one of the aliens.

Like a caption from the book would be something like

“So we sent a recon team to this place called Russia, but all we’ve heard back thus far is about the temperatures, giant monsters with fur the humans call “Bears”, and that once again, we have been reminded of how heavily well armed almost ever human settlement is.

Thus far we have lost more than a good chunk of our forces through experiments gone wrong, unsuccessful fire fights, and above all else, the humans seem to be more worried about these strange variation of their species calling themselves “Clowns”.

I don’t know what a Clown is, but sounds as if it is the dominant faction of this planet, and considering we only just found out humans practically poison themselves with this thing called beer and only get stronger and more violent, I don’t ever want to encounter such a being.

I believe this invasion was a mistake.“

elidyce:

I’ve been reading a bunch of these and all I can think about now is aliens finding out about our insane ability to walk away from accidents.

“Human Colony SDO435**, this is Gxanimi survey vessel 3489. We regret that we must inform you that the wreckage of your ship ‘Gecko Flyer’ has just been detected on planet F56=K=. We offer expressions of sympathy for this catastrophe.”

“Shit, thanks for telling us, we’ll be right there.”

“Why?”

“To find our people, of course.”

“… you wish to retrieve the corpses for your traditional death rituals, of course, we understand. We have sent the coordinates.”

“What do you mean, bodies? No survivors at all? There must be some.”

“Official mouthpiece of Human Colony SDO435**, the ship has crashed. It has impacted the planet’s surface at speed. Moreover, this might have happened as much as five vek ago. We do not understand why you speak of ‘survivors’.”

“Oh, there’ll be survivors. There always are.”

“(closes hyperspace voicelink) How sad that they are unable to accept the reality of their loss.”

“Hey, Gxanimi survey vessel 3489, thanks for letting us know about the Gecko Flyer. More than half the crew made it!”

“Made what?”

“They survived! A couple of lost limbs and so on, but they’ll be fine.”

“… but that vessel was destroyed! Images have been examined!”

“Oh, well, everyone in the fore-below compartment was crushed, obviously, but the others made it out.”

“… but the crash was vek ago! Excuse we… at least eighty of your ‘days’! How could they survive without a ship? Without shelter and supplies?”

“Well, the wreckage gave them some shelter, and of course the emergency supplies kept them going until they could start growing stuff. It’s actually a nice little planet, they said. Quite a lot of edible flora and fauna. T-shirt weather, in summer, too.”

“What is… t-shirt weather?”

“Oh, you know, when it’s comfortable to go around with only modesty covering over the epidermis. Exposed limbs.”

“That planet is so cold that even water solidifies in its atmosphere!”

“Well, in winter, obviously. But we like that. Listen, our people have been raising crops down there, and that’s usually how we rule a planet as ‘colonized’…. is anyone else using it, or can we call it?”

“Er… we have claimed the warmer planets in the system, but we believe we could come to some arrangement.”

It was really nice, the humans thought, how carefully most of the aliens kept an eye out for downed ships after that, once they found out that humans tended to survive anything less than explosive decompression or… well, explosions generally. They’d immediately inform the nearest outpost of a wreck’s location, or even ship survivors back themselves. It was very thoughtful.

They didn’t find out until a long time later that the Gxanimi had put out the word to every species they were in contact with. It was vital that everyone knew the things they had learned about humans after that first encounter.

1. Humans can literally walk away from an impact that renders a space-worthy hull so much scrap and would have actually liquefied a Gxanimi.

2. Humans will eat just about anything not immediately fatal to them - including, in extremis, the corpses of their dead crewmates. In fact, most human vessels keep a list of those willing to be eaten and those whose socio-religious scruples forbid it. They have a ridiculously high tolerance for dangerous substances, and if they can breathe on a planet they can probably eat something on it too. They also have something they call the ‘Watney Protocol’, which requires them to carry live soil samples, seeds, and simple tools that will allow them to start farming their own native foodstuffs on any remotely habitable planet immediately in the event of an accident.

3. Once they’ve farmed a planet, they bond with it. They’ll be polite, but it’ll take significant effort to get rid of them even so.

Conclusion: If a human ship crashes on a planet you like and want to keep, get other humans to come and get them immediately. Remove them yourself if you have to. Even the worst crash can result in a thriving colony in a few vek.

And don’t, for the love of gravitational regularity, try to solve that problem by killing off the survivors. Just don’t. It won’t work and it just makes all the rest of them mad.

roachpatrol:

if any humans spill on your planet, make sure to scrape them up real fast and repackage them or you’ll never get them out.

burntcopper:

‘But surely you have records of volcanic activity doing tremendous damage to human settlements.’

‘Yep. Pompeii is legendary. Entire cities went. Towns buried under lava, peoples’ brains boiled in the first rush of heat, loads more killed by falling pumice.’

‘ah, good, they learned their lesson and didn’t build there again.’

‘…well…’

‘Are you seriously telling me this volcano is legendary for killing several urban conurbations and you built on top of it AGAIN?’

‘In our defence it hasn’t actually done it since.’

‘What about earthquake-prone areas? Tell me you’re at least vaguely sensible about those.’

‘Oh yeah. After the first major earthquake that flattens a city, we build them better.’

intotheshadows123:

alien: people died of the cold and your solution was to send more people

human:

kaldicuct:

Alien - Ok, so tell me about war.

Human - Ok - lists everything from the 300 Spartans to possible WW3 -

Alien - So who are these people fighting in a square and a caged circle?

Human - Those are sports fighters.

Alien - You fight each other for fun?

Human - Yes.

Alien - WHEN YOU HAVE ALL THESE WARS!? THAT WOULD EXPLAIN IT!

Human - Well there’s the geneva convention. - explains what it is -

Alien - YOU BANNED WEAPONS OF WAR BECAUSE THEY WERE TOO EFFECTIVE!?

Human - It’s like cheating.

Alien - AT WAR!?!? WHERE YOU ACTIVE GOAL IS TO KILL EACH OTHER!? YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT CHEATING!?

Human -…………………..

Alien - What?

Human - Nothing.

Alien - No, what? There’s something else isn’t there?

Human - Nukes are not technically banned under the convention.

divine-valley:

Human: All this celebration needs is some booze

Alien: some what now?

Human: Booze. Alcoholic drinks.

Alien: What is alcohol?

Human: Ethanol. C2H6O

Alien: wait, isn’t that the stuff your people use as disinfectant?

Human: yup.

Alien: and a fuel additive?

Human: yup.

Alien: Isn’t that a poison!?

Human: well yeah, but it’s watered down when we drink it.

Alien: !?

weirdotwins:

So what about the fact that humans can take so much abuse to the body and miraculously survive

Alien: So let me just review: You have records of people surviving fatal wounds commonly…

Human: Uh-huh.

Alien: And some of these stories include stab wounds to the brain…

Human: Oh, yeah, all the time.

Alien:….and then…surviving and even improving from crippling injuries or brain damage…

Human: Those are some of the truly strong ones, that.

Alien: Yes…indeed…………………………………………………

Human: What? What is it?

Alien: It’s just…..well………we had heard….rumors….

Human: Of?

Alien: It’s nothing. They’re false, they must be! Humans coming back from the dead–it’s funny really!

Human: o-o……………..

Alien: You must be joking.

Human: UM………WELL…….

Alien: TELL ME YOU’RE JOKING. PLEASE.

Human: *patting the alien sympathetically* I’m…sorry?

Alien: *slams head on table. Done*

---

rustfoxes:

More “wtf are humans, please leave the rest of us be” stuff:

Human reactions to fear!

No, I’m not talking about screaming or freezing in one spot and pissing yourself. I’m talking about the weirder, more specific-to-only-humans fear reactions.

Like singing.

Idk how many of you have watched people play horror video games, but a surprising amount of people start narrating what’s going on in a sing-song voice.

Imagine being an alien, walking in a horrific, dark tunnel with these weird gangly creatures, you’re all scared out of your wits and then one of them starts fucking singing.

In a dark cave. While everyone’s terrified.

“ ♫ ~We are all gonna fucking die, this is terrible and I wanna go hooooome~ ♬ ”

---

radioactivepeasant:

It occurs to me that as much as “humans are the scary ones” fits sometimes, if you look at it another way, humans might seem like the absurdly friendly or curious ones.

I mean, who looked at an elephant, gigantic creature thoroughly capable of killing someone if it has to, and thought “I’m gonna ride on that thing!”?

And put a human near any canine predator and there’s a strong chance of said human yelling “PUPPY!” and initiating playful interaction with it.

And what about the people who look at whales, bigger than basically everything else, and decide “I’m gonna swim with our splashy danger friends!”

Heck, for all we know, humans might run into the scariest, toughest aliens out there and say “Heck with it. I’m gonna hug ‘em.”

“Why?!”

“I dunno. I gotta hug ‘em.”

And it’s like the first friendly interaction the species has had in forever so suddenly humanity has a bunch of big scary friends.

adrenaline-revolver:

“Commander, we must update the code of conduct to include the humans.”

“Why? Are they more aggressive than we anticipated?”

“It seems to be the opposite Commander. Just this morning a crewman nearly lost their hand when attempting to stroke an unidentified feline on an unknown world. Their reaction to the attack was to call the creature a “mean kitty” and vow to win it over. Upon inquiry it seems they bond so readily with creatures outside their species that they have the capacity to feel sympathy for an alien creature they have never seen before simply because it appears distressed. I hate to say this commander but we must install a rule to prevent them from endangering their own lives when interacting with the galaxy’s fauna.”

“I see what you mean. So be it, from now on no crewman is allowed to touch unknown animals without permission from a superior officer. And send a message to supplies about acquiring one of these “puppies” so that their desire to touch furred predators can be safely sated.

radioactivepeasant:

Ehehehe I love this! Every time someone adds a short story to my post it gets like 90% cuter and more epic

talkingbirdguy:

Lets be honest, the humans would ignore the hell outta that rule whenever alone.

beka-tiddalik:

“So I hear that you’ve just recruited a human for your ship.”

“Yes, it’s the first time that I’ve worked with these species, but they come highly recommended. Say, you’ve worked with a few, what tips can you give me? I’d hate to have some kind of cultural misunderstanding if it’s avoidable.”

“The first rule of working with humans is never leave them unsupervised.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m serious. Don’t do it. Things. Happen.”

“But wait, I thought that I heard you highly recommended that every crew should have at least one on board?”

“Absolutely, and I stand by that. Humans are excellent innovators, and are psychologically very resilient. If you have a crisis, then a human that has bonded wth your crew properly can be invaluable. Treat your human well and you should get the best out of them as a crew member. Their ability to get on with almost any species is legendary.”

“But Toks, didn’t you just say…”

“The trouble is that they will potentially try to bond with anything. If you leave them unsupervised, you have no idea what kind of trouble they can get themselves into. It was sheer luck that the Fanzorians thought that it was funny that the human picked up the Crown Prince to coo at him.”

“Crown Prince Horram, Scourge of Pixia?”

“The very same. Surprisingly good sense of humour. But don’t even get me started on that one time with the Dunlip. Al-Human wanted to know if they could keep it. As a pet.”

“A Dunlip? You mean the 3 metre tall apex predators from Jowun?”

“Yup. Don’t leave your humans unsupervised.”

“I’ll uh, take that under advisement.”

skeletonmug:

“Commander, we have a problem with Human-Kim they’ve formed a bond again.”

“Lieutenant Riv, I expressly ordered that that Human-Kim is not allowed to interact with other creatures without supervision. Not after the Crown Prince incident.”

“That’s the problem Commander, it’s not a creature. We don’t let any creatures other than the “kitty” in to their quarters.”

“I don’t understand then Lieutenant. IS there some issue with the Kitty?”

“No no, not Kitty”.

“What then. Out with it!”

Lieutenant Riv sighs and stares fixedly at the floor, not daring to meet the Commander’s fore-eye

“Human-Kim appears to have bonded with … They’ve created an affectionate bond to the mobile waste unit.” the last words came out in a rush.

“What?! How is this possible! It’s a machine!”

“Sir, it seams we underestimated their talent for anthropomorphisation. Apparently the buttons are, and I’m quoting here Sir, cute.”

krabbydon:

“How was your visit to the human flagshi - sweet orbs, you’re wounded.”

“Yes, Ma'am. Only lightly, Ma'am.”

“Were you attacked? This is an outrage - ”

“Please, Ma'am, stand down. It was just a brief encounter with - ”

“A duel?”

“- if you’ll let me finish, Ma'am, with Admiral Stabby. Here’s a hologram.”

“… Hyperempathy is a menace to the galaxy.”

---

sepulchritude:

on the topic of humans being the intergalactic “hold my beer” species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roomba™ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship

it doesn’t have any special intelligence. it’s just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they don’t have knives. it’s just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds.

“what is the point?” asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding robot. “is it to test your speed and agility?”

“no it doesn’t really go that fast,” replies the captain.

“does it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?”

“I mean I guess so but that’s more of a side effect.”

“does it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?”

“it doesn’t stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that sounds cool — someone write that down.”

“but then what is its purpose?”

“I don’t know,” the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. “it just seemed cool”

---

heedra:

Important alien/fantasy race design question: “what are their monkeys?”

As humans, we have evidence of offshoot of our close evolutionary relations running around all over the place-what would this look like for other species on different planets? They’re likely to have the same kind of thing happening in some form or another.

steeplewack:

Also important: If humans come in contact with this alien/fantasy species, does confusion arise over the “monkey equivalents” being more humanoid than the actual communicative species? Do human ambassadors cause huge disruption when they try to hold conversations with animals on the side of the road.

---

dendritic-trees:

for a Humans are Weird story.

So human babies REALLY need to be touched. Its totally critical for development. Small babies can literally die if you don’t cuddle them enough.

But imagine that the aliens are more like reptiles, in that they just sort of hatch and their parents feed them or stay around (and presumably, like, educate them, since they’re intelligent aliens), but don’t carry them around or cuddle in the same way.

So one of them gets stuck with a human baby that they’re responsible for and of course, they go ask a xenobiologist or someone ‘what do you do for a human baby, they’re all weird and squishy’.

And the scientist says: well, you have to stroke them. Like actually pick them up and stroke their skin.

Why, says the alien, what could that possibly accomplish. Does it make their skin tougher. Will they grow proper scales.

No, no, that’s just what human skin is like, you just… you have stroke them or they won’t grow right. They get a stroking-deficiency and can die.

elidyce:

Suddenly our obsession with petting everything makes sense to them.

“Why do they ask to pet our fur? Why do they touch every animal we find? Humans are so strange!”

“No, no, Pod Leader, we have discovered the reason for this. Humans require tactile contact for health. Their young will actually die without frequent touchings of skin, Even as adults, their health deteriorates if they are isolated from touch. Human Technical Adjunct Rupert is trying to nurture us and preserve our healthfulness with this touching they offer.”

“… they actually believe that touching our fur with their grubby paws is healthful?”

“For humans, Pod Leader, it is.A little unsanitary, we are understanding the reservations, but it is kindly meant. We think it is actually very nice of Human Technical Adjunct Rupert to be so concerned with our healthfulness.”

“We are still not sure we believe this. That sounds like a weak attempt at deceit to us.”

“Let us show you this vid of humans nurturing their young, it is very instructive.”

Some time later, Human Technical Adjunct Rupert is bewildered but pleased to find that fur-petting is now encouraged provided they have washed their paws. This seems reasonable to Human Technical Adjunct Rupert.

---

sepulchritude:

my fav trope is like, nonhuman characters not understanding human needs/customs but still being super supportive of their human companion

“look what I found while exploring this planet’s surface!” “kilrak please I’m trying to sleep” “ah yes your human circadian rhythm. *stage whispering* I am supposed to be quiet during this time in your rhythm, yes?”

“the book I purchased on ragnok V says humans require physical touch when upset. therefore, I shall engage in a ‘hug’ with you.” *supremely awkward five-armed hug ensues*

*human sneezes* “OH MY GOD SIL'EEN GET THE MEDIC OUR HUMAN IS DYING”

“this pamphlet I received recently says that humans require companions and packmates in the form of small earth creatures. you should have told me this before we departed earth, but it is no worry. we will have to stop at the next trade planet to get you one of these ‘cats’ or ‘dogs’.”

agentquinn:

imagine the aliens really purchasing a kitten for one of their rough and world-weary scifi badass human companions and watching in helpless wonderment what ensues

“she’s been cuddling that small animal for the past fifteen minutes just going ‘kitty, kitty’. did we - did we break our human?”

a more seasoned alien puts one of their tentacles around the younger one as the rest of the team gathers to watch their human make kissy noises.

“no, kilrak,” the alien says. “we did good.”

frowningfoxbones:

“Human-Steve! I have heard that today is the anniversary of your hatching! According to my human culture pamphlet, it is customary to set a sugary pastry on fire while chanting your species’ growth incantation and presenting sacrifices wrapped in shiny paper. I am afraid to ask, in case this ritual is sacred and this request therefor insensitive… but may I be allowed to participate? It sounds much more fascinating than molting.”

anexperimentallife:

“Human Steve, I have read about your ritual dance called ‘The Hokey Pokey,’ performed mostly at mate-bonding celebrations after the guests reach an elevated level of intoxication. But Human Steve, how do I know WHICH left foot to put in, put out, and shake all about? I do not… Human Steve, why are you laughing?”

captainarwenpond221b:

“Human-Steve, you are… you are eating, but it is not one of your ritual fueling times. Are you dying? Is everything alright? Have you not been receiving enough sustenance? Do I need to get you better things to eat? Human-Steve, why are you trying to hide that food?”

rinneavicula:

“Human-Steve, my research has informed me of a grave oversight in your care that I, as your companion, have made! Thus, I have gathered collections of fictional human literature to read aloud at the time of your bed. Which is more to your liking: “The Care and Keeping of Cacti” or “1001 Crossword Puzzles?” Human-Steve? Human-Steve, I am serious.“

himchankimchije:

One of the things I love the most about this post is how “Human-Steve” makes me think that there is also an alien called Steve in the squad, and I just imagine the first meeting and introduction where there is the human guy introducing himself as Steve and then there is this huge blue guy with like 5 legs and bug eyes and apparently Steve is like a completely regular name on his planet too in some intergalactical coincidence

that was off topic sorry.

---

just-a-kind-of-magic:

Imagine being a human in an alien crew in space and leaving with bright blue or pink hair and the color fades and everybody on board wonders WHY you are losing your colors??? Is it the lack of greens? Are you sad? Angry? They just don’t know??

thefingerfuckingfemalefury:

“HUMAN BIOLOGY IS BAFFLING”

---

katy-l-wood:

You know, in all those “humans are the creepy/fucked up alien species” posts I can’t believe we haven’t touched on organ donation yet.

When they heard that the human general had fallen ill to a disease of the organ known as the liver the troops began to hope that it might turn the tide of the war. Research indicated that such diseases could be fatal after all. The organ did something similar to the flagulaxin in that it filtered out toxins so when it stopped functioning the human would slowly be poisoned to death by his own body. Or so they believed.

But then he came back.

A foot soldier was captured and answers demanded. Was it a medication? Had the sickeness been a ruse to fool them?

“Nah, man. This kid on a motorcycle wiped out on the I9 freeway so they gave the general his liver since they were a match.”

“They…what?”

“They gave him his liver. The kid was dead, and he was an organ donor. And he was a genetic match to the general.”

“They…cut the liver out of one of your young and placed it in an elder and it…worked?”

“I mean, he wasn’t that young. Mid twenties or something. But yeah, that’s essentially it.”

The interrogator and his assistant both regurgitated their most recent meal and ran from the room. Living in places like the “Australia” were one thing, but taking the organs of dead bodies and placing them in the living? What was WRONG with this species?

jewishdragon:

No wait make it better. A living person can donate a piece of their liver! It doesn’t have to be a dead person.

“You killed one of your own to replace the broken part of the higher ranking human?”

“No of course only a small piece of a one was needed to replace the general’s bad one”

“Who got the bad one?”

“No one! it was thrown away”

“Someone, gave a piece of their organ to someone else to use??? And they both lived???”

“Yeah”

official-data:

But what if the aliens were like salamanders who can naturally regenerate damaged body parts? And when they find out humans lack that ability they think “We have an advantage over them” then to their shock they discover that we’ve come up with work-arounds for that lack. Also prosthetic limbs. “Wait … You’re telling me that you can’t regrow your leg … So you just BUILD one?!”

stephendann:

Trying to describe a human to a species that had never met one was getting increasingly difficult. To start with, they seemed to exist in every possible state - solid, liquid, gas and crystaline. A core calcium infrastructure with a porous organic compound layered over it, through which fluid and gas travelled under the regulation of a range of organic pipework, pumps and processing plants, all coated in a renewable organic surface layer. That was weird enough.

Then came the discovery that the human was semi-modular. Component fluids could be swapped out and substituted - humanity had built some form of external versions of a range of the organic pumps and processors, and had manual, automatic and remotely operated variants of their core pump processor (the heart). Internal parts could be exchanged, or replaced with suitable originals. Something about needing genuine human compatible parts, known as donor organs, and the voluntary post-life nature of these donations seemed ineffective to many observer species, and postively horrifying to those who held the sanctity of the post-life body. Considering a fallen comrade as an accessible source of component parts was just beyond the pale, and to have an proactive harvesting regime was just unbelievable. What was wrong with these creatures that death should be rejected to such an extent that they would become hybrids of dead and living creatures? Did they think death would bypass them, thinking the component part they carried was already ticked off some post-life database, thus granting them an immunity card in the eternal island vote?

Weirdly though, these quasi-modular humans could not be assembled from component parts. Even the human histories, insofar as the human documentation systems were trustworthy, indicated that efforts to construct a modular human from parts, pieces and high voltage was deemed unwise, and mostly only suitable to be remembered in October in ritual costumes. That said, a human containing sufficient of their original parts could be restored from dead state with a sufficient electric discharge, leading many to suspect that the creatures existed in an energy state alongside their gas, liquid, solid, and crystal forms.

Then of course, was that very human approach to limb loss - construction of alternate limbs from non-human parts. Suffice to say, most sentient machine species are horrified by the process, and many machine worlds are refusing to acknowledge humans are real, and are starting to campaign against the continued discussion of these creatures as organic propaganda.

They may have a very valid point. These things make no sense from a design specification standpoint.

---

cooltrees:

me: all our teeth fall out as children and then they all grow back stronger

alien: okay, i mean…that definitely sounds fake, but….okay.

aelfswithe:

We have extra organs we don’t need anymore, and sometimes they explode, and we have to cut them out.

agentsex:

Our babies have heads that are bigger than the birth canal. Sometimes the baby gets stuck inside, so we cut the mother open so that they don’t both die.

samcoxramblings:

Some of us can bleed for five days and not die

matt-the-blind-cinnamon-roll:

Some of us are born with both sets of genitals.

fleshwater:

Sometimes two to four of us are born at the same time and we look exactly alike

azzandra:

At some point, the aliens aren’t going to know anymore when we’re actually trolling them.

Us: Under certain circumstances, humans have been known to spontaneously develop the ability to breathe fire.

Alien: yeah, okay, that fits in with the other wacky bullshit you guys can do.

---

artaline:

human: *is heating up food*

alien: why are you doing that?

human: you see i want the particles in my food to vibrate at just the right frequency

dannydanuselessstuff:

Human: *is eating ice cream*

alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!

human: well, you see, not with this food

cardozzza:

This one is already vibrating at he desired frequency, but if it starts to vibrate at a higher frequency I lock it back in the cold box.

asgardreid:

Human: *just reheated pizza in the oven*

Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*

Alien: *exasperated sputtering*

ritavonbees:

Human: shots! shots! shots!

Alien: this liquid has negligible nutritional value and, furthermore, contains some molecules that I believe are poisonous to your species.

Human: …look, sometimes we just like to gather in social groups and disorient ourselves

pikachu88898:

Human: *grabs a packet of ramen*

Alien: Based on my research of your species, you shouldn’t be able to consume that without suffering heavy detriment to your human body.

Human: …look man, I’m in college. I can barely afford this house with roommates. Let me appreciate this 50 cent block of sodium ridden noodles.

iwillnotshutup:

Alien 1: The human consumed this harmful “ramen” because it is affordable. I saw many others consuming unhealthy but affordable foodstuffs from a place called McDonalds. Based on this, I think we can reasonably assume that all foodstuffs that are unhealthy are also affordable, and that humans will slowly die off because of their economic system.

Alien 2: I visited a different land mass. There were several humans called “sushi chefs” preparing raw fish foodstuffs. The most expensive was made from the carcass of a poisonous blowfish. It was very popular among the wealthy humans.

Alien 3: The land I visited had no nearby places to engage in commerce to trade precooked food. I interviewed a family that trapped and killed animals for dinner. They ate venomous rattlesnakes.

Alien 1: *throws clipboard in the air and storms off*

a-cute-lil-octopus:

[Human casually munches peppers]

Alien: According to my scans, that organic matter contains highly corrosive chemicals. Are you sure you should be consuming it?

[Human chokes]

Alien: Human! Are you injured? Do you require assistance??

Human: Ahahaha no no I’m fine, it’s just *snicker* these are just jalapenos!

Alien: ……….request clarification?

Human: I usually go for habaneros, man. Hell, I have a buddy who took two bites of a ghost pepper on a dare.

[Alien consults space Google]

Human: ………Hey man, you okay?

---

roachpatrol:

my headcanon for startrek is that humans look, to vulcans, like a dog frathouse. like signing on to a human ship is exactly that thrillingly loud and frustrating and fast and stupid and fun. the humans are going to dash off to a new sector to see if there are friends there and then they will jump up and down with delight and stuff their faces up against their new friends’ genital array. the humans are going to bark for ten minutes at a rock. the humans want to chase things they can’t possibly catch just because they like running around. the humans are madly passionate about their arbitrary group identities. the humans can be divided into new arbitrary group identities which they will then be passionate about. the humans want to stick their heads out of the window of their starship and go ‘wheee!’. if you step on a human’s paw they will act like you just killed them for about thirty seconds and then want more headpats. the humans can be immediately distracted from crucial duties by the appearance of a small animal. if you howl all the humans in earshot will howl louder just to show off. a human just humped your leg. ‘don’t make it weird bro’ the human says. later the human will dig a weird bug out of the ground and eat it.

---

Humans are adorable.

teaboot:

Supporting evidence:

1. Humans say ‘ow’, even if they haven’t actually been hurt. It’s just a thing they say when they think they might have been hurt, but aren’t sure yet.

2. Humans collect shiny things and decorate their bodies and nests with them. The shinier the better, although each individual has a unique taste for style and colouring

3. Humans are not an aquatic or even amphibious species, but they flock to bodies of water simply to play in it. They can’t even hold their breath all that long; they just love to splash!

4. When night falls and the sky goes dark, humans become drowsy and begin to cocoon themselves in soft, fluffy bedding.

5. Some humans spend time in each other’s nests! Just for fun! It’s not their nest; they’re just visiting each other.

6. Some humans use pigments and dyes to make their bodies flashy and colourful! They even attach shiny dangly bits to their cartalidgous membranes!

7. Humans are very clever, and sometimes adopt creatures from other species into their family units. They don’t seem to notice the obvious differences, and often raise them alongside their own young!

8. If a human sees another creature in distress, they can commonly be observed trying to help! Even at their own risk, most humans are deeply compassionate creatures!

9. If a human hears a particularity catchy sound or tune, it will often mimic it, even to the point of annoying themselves!

10. Sneezes are entirely involuntary, and completely adorable. Especially when the human in question becomes frustrated

11. Humans love treats!!! Some more than others. Many humans will save these treats specifically for a later date when they are in need of comfort or reassurance. IE, pickles, pop tarts, Popsicles, etc

12. They’re learning to travel in space!!! They can’t get very far, but they’re trying!!! So far, they’ve made it to the end of their yard, and have found rocks

---

youphoric:

humans are so cute, when we say goodbye we put our arms around each other and to show we love someone we bring them flowers. we say hello by holding each other’s hand, and sometimes tiny little dewdrops form in our eyes. for pleasure we listen to arrangements of sounds, press our lips together, smoke dried leaves, get drunk off of old fruit. we’re all just little animals, falling in love and having breakfast beneath billions of stars

---

audible-smiles:

the solar system is probably the most purely, simply fun exploratory experience humans will ever get to have, because there’s nobody there! there’s no colonialism and we don’t have to worry about aliens yet, so its just. fun!

we just land a robot on an empty planet and make it do wheelies and every few days we find like a cool rock and scientists yell about it on twitter

you-have-startled-the-witch:

it’s the tutorial levels

---

darkeyeddreamerr:

*blows kiss to space* for the 7 exoplanets orbiting Trappist-1

kivrinengle:

See, this is what old-timey science fiction never predicted - the human tendency to grow attached. They wrote stories of colonizing other worlds, of exploration and discovery. They didn’t write that four minutes after discovering new worlds, the humans had made up nicknames for them all, given them personalities, and were prepared to fight to the death for their honor.

Sometimes real life is better.

---

adamusprime:

if you didn’t know stuff about humans you would think they get mad at the weirdest stuff

like one human raises their thumb to another human

that’s good, humans like that

one human raises their middle finger to another human

humans do NOT LIKE THAT

humans think that is a BAD FINGER

don’t you DARE raise that specific finger at me

any other finger is ok just not that one

ursulavernon:

Anthropology will be the hard elective in alien school.

fieldbears:

“Is the middle finger weaponized? Does it spray a venom perhaps”

“No, student Xeepzorp, it is frail and harmless like the others”

“Fascinating”

illustratedjai:

Okay, but like, that’s what you get in first year Anthro. When you make it to upper level courses, suddenly they’re like

“So you know how we told you about the middle finger being bad and the thumb being good? Well, that’s only true for some humans - some humans find the thumb just as bad as the middle finger! And some humans only get mad when you gesture with the first two fingers.”

“But teacher, there are so many photos of humans gesturing with their first two fingers! Are all these humans intentionally being mean to other humans?”

“Oh, no, those humans are making the good first two fingers gesture.”

---

flamingfoxninja

K so some of my favorite posts here are the “humans are weirder than aliens” ones, and I just thought of something tremendous

Background Music

Aliens have managed to advance because they hyper focus on everything they do, but are completely baffled by our ability to multitask. They are stunned that we listen to music when working, cause they would hyper focus on the music and nothing else. Or humans work on stuff while having on conversation and still know what the conversation is about even while half listening.

Imagine aliens not understanding the concept of short attention spans

---

hermionously

So you know those “aliens are confused by humans” posts on tumblr? I had the best idea ever

Humans find it endearing when baby animals try to nibble at their fingers or bite their hair, right? We find it absolutely adorable when kittens scratch at our hands trying to disembowel them or when chicks peck at our freckles trying to eat them.

So a group of aliens is preparing to welcome the first human crew-member aboard their ship, and they do a lot of preparatory research to make sure the humans feel comfortable. One of them finds out that humans find other creatures unsuccessfully trying to kill them and consume them endearing, somehow.

And so for the first week or so that the new human is onboard, they repeatedly stab it with blunt knives that can’t do any harm and shoot low-level phasers at them in an attempt to win the human’s love.

The human is very confused and worried until finally they explain it and then, predictably, the human does indeed find their attempts incredibly endearing, and keeps it a secret that that isn’t really the way it works.

Until the governor of Earth comes for a surprise visit and the human crew-member has to hurriedly notify them of the alien’s belief. The governor misunderstands and thinks it’s the aliens natural way of showing affection.

So it becomes common knowledge among humans that the aliens use unsuccessful murder attempts to show love, and the aliens believe humans enjoy unsuccessful murder attempts. It’s a rather odd system of showing affection, but it works. Even if it does drive up the minor-injury clinic visit rates significantly.

---

marlynnofmany

“Humans are weird” idea

It seems to always be the case that aliens have names that are “unpronounceable by the human tongue.” But, y’know, humans are actually really good mimics. We can do impressions of anything, and some of us are really good at it. What if that was a special skill of ours that was constantly surprising the aliens?

Alien talks about human like s/he’s not there, only to be shocked when its own language comes out of that strange little mouth.

Alien can’t figure out WHAT that noise onboard is, only to find human crewmate pranking it. (“As soon as he leaves, I’m gonna do the sound of a failing hover engine, okay? Just see where he looks first!”)

Alien hears a different noise and a thud, then “Sorry, I tripped.” (”But you squeaked.” “Yeah, didn’t mean to. Sounded kinda dumb.”)

Alien is alarmed to hear the sound of two Dangerous Animals coming from the containment room. Thinks the one has multiplied. Runs in, find human yowling back at it. (“It seemed lonely, so I was talking to it. Reminds me of a cat I had once.”)

The away team is threatened by a Large Animal protecting its young. Alien Captain knows what to do. Shoves the human up front and points. “Make the noises that the little ones are making. This is your time to shine.”

---

howlingguardian

Been seeing a lot of these Humans Are Space Orcs posts around- which is good, because I love them- and I started thinking: in sci-fi stories, humans in the future often have a bit of genetic engineering- like disease immunity or faster healing or even just a lack of body hair.

And I had a thought- what if that’s just us? What if we’re the only species to engineer ourselves like that? Imagine how freaked out they’d be;

“You’re telling me that you alter your own genetic code?”

Or take it a little further- we’re the only species to use vaccines. Every other race just toughed it out and evolved past it, but humans injected ourselves with weakened diseases to make ourselves stronger.

Or even further back, when people used to drink poison to gain an immunity- imagine that reaction:

“OH MY GROP THEY DRINK POISON TO GET STRONGER THAT’S IT FUCK THIS PLANET I’M OUTTA HERE”

---

thegrape-gatsby:

Another humans are weird space orcs idea because I really like thinking about it. What if aliens have no idea how to hide their emotions? Like, they suck at poker because they can never keep a straight face or anything. or, on a darker note, their ship is hijacked and they can’t keep the fear out of their faces, but all the humans look cold and emotionless to them. Other aliens hating having to bargain with humans becase we can bluff and keep our emotions in check so well, but when they get frustrated it’s all over. Pirates threaten the space ship and they send the human to do negotiations, and the pirate talking is super confused because no matter what threat he makes, the human just doesn’t seem to be fazed one bit.

Someone please, feel free to add to this, I love to see what else people come up with!

@space-australians

beka-tiddalik:

Okay, but now I’m thinking about how this ability is used in the context of animal training/hostage negotiation/teaching/customer service. Not just looking stone-faced, but completely lying with affect, body-language and vocal tone to seem calm, friendly, relaxed and in control of the situation in order to build rapport with an animal or person and to de-escalate aggression in a situation.

Proximity alarms start going off. A vessel is approaching.

Camilian: <looks at viewscreen> “Oh zark it, it’s the Parg.”

Egrat: <Dashes over> “Oh erting fraknabs, we’re dead.”

Human Crewmember:“The who?”

Camilian: <shudders>: “The Parg. Remember the civilisations living on those five planets Lei-ward of Helios 6?”

Human: “No? I thought that system was empty of sentient life.”

Camilian: “Exactly.”

Human: “…ah.” <looks at flashing lights on console> “They appear to be hailing us.”

Human: “…thanks a bunch, guys.” <presses hail pick-up button> “This is Communications Officer Haley Makini of the Starboat Fribling, how may I help you?”

Parg ship: “This is Zek of Parg.”

Human: “Hello Zek! How are you feeling this day-cycle?”

Parg Ship: “…”

Human: “I for one have been missing my family lately, I got a vidcall from my little sister and my cousins - same-generation kin-people - and they told me that cousin Wendy is getting married to her girlfriend Mila, isn’t that nice? So I’m really hoping I can make it to the wedding - that’s romantic lifebond ceremony - because otherwise they’d all be sad, they told me so. Do you have any family - lifemates or brood or other kin-people back in your home-system Zek?”

Parg Ship: “…Zek of Parg has brood of five. All Smallings, but soon Biglings. Soon.”

Human: “Oh! You must be so proud of them!”

Parg Ship: “… Yah. Good future replacements for Parent-bodies for Glory of Parg.”

Human: “And that’s all any of us could want! Imagine how sad our kin would be if either of us were to fail to make it back home! That’s why I want to help your ship Zek, in any way we can. The Fribling is only a small ship, but we have some surplus goods and skills to offer if you need anything from us.”

Parg Ship: “Have Lucrum cable? Parg Ship underengine in poor condition, jury-rig not hold, need hitch-tow to Dellar System.”

Human: “Oh, that’s only 8 parsecs away. Sure, hah, we can manage that. No problem.”

<78 minutes later, after the two ships have been attached via Lucrum cable>

Parg Ship: “…What kind you?”

Human: “Huh? ….oh, I’m a human. I’m from Sol 3, Earth.”

Parg Ship: “… Parg remember this. Parg remember Haley Makini. Parg remember Human.”

Human: <blinks> “…thank you!”

Human: “HolyfuckhowdidIpullthatoffohholyfuck!”

Camilian: “Wait, you were scared too?”

Human: <glaring> “Cam, we’ve worked together how long? I’d have thought that by now you’d trust my threat assessment abilities. Phew! That one was so close I felt the breeze going past.”

Egrat: “…how. How did you just do that?”

Human: “It’s not hard. Stay calm, just keep smiling, and build rapport by pretending to care about their problems, and meanwhile showing that you’re a real thinking being. Tends to defuse situations rather than escalate them.”

Egrat: “…I think I saw what you did, but where did you learn how to do that?”

Human: “5 years customer service experience.”

---

iztarshi:

Inspired by various tumblr posts.

Humans quickly get a reputation among the interplanetry alliance and the reputation is this: when going somewhere dangerous, take a human.

Humans are tough. Humans can last days without food. Humans heal so fast they pierce holes in themselves or inject ink for fun. Humans will walk for days on broken bones in order to make it to safety. Humans will literally cut off bits of themselves if trapped by a disaster.

You would be amazed what humans will do to survive. Or to ensure the survival of others they feel responsible for.

That’s the other thing. Humans pack-bond, and they spill their pack-bonding instincts everywhere. Sure it’s weird when they talk sympathetically to broken spaceships or try to pet every lifeform that scans as non-toxic. It’s even a little weird that just existing in the same place as them for long enough seems to make them care about you. But if you’re hurt, if you’re trapped, if you need someone to fetch help?

You really want a human.

flotsamandwhatnot:

That said- humans also quickly get a reputation among the interplanetry alliance’s medical community.

If you want to survive, get a human.

If you want to keep that human in optimal functioning condition, get bribery or blackmail.

Many species, used to their own healing rates, do not know what to do when a human cuts their hand and then hardly sits still long enough to stop bleeding, let alone receive proper treatment. More serious issues?

If you would expect your typical patient to be bedridden for months, maybe even crippled, expect humans to be begging to be up and about within a few weeks. If you want them to keep down, then you’ll have more trouble.

Most interplanetary medical programs spend a disproportionately large period of time teaching how to deal with human super-healing. (Most students still panic the first time they come to a human patient and find them trying to leave instead of half-dead.)

jimcoffin:

Alien doctor leads a group of students into a recent patients hospital room. What they find is the patient struggling into their pants. They stop mid-struggle and stare at the doctor.

“I wasn’t…” And they fall over with a thud. “I’m ok!”

lianabrooks:

And they meet a human with a chronic illness and just kind of give up on Earthlings.

“You see, this one is dying. The body is breaking down at an extreme rate and you can see how the joints are already malfunctioning. But this human goes surfing every day because they say they like seeing sharks.”

A student raises its hand. “Shouldn’t the human be healing.”

The teacher nods both heads wisely. “We recommended this, but the human said the ocean was healing. We’re writing a grant proposal and hope to be able to do research on the healing properties of saltwater next year.”

brosequartz:

Humans also get a reputation for being pants-shittingly insane:

Humans want to go everywhere, you see that black hole? They’re trying to go in that to ‘explore’

Humans jump out of flying vehicles at heights that would most certainly kill them with only a piece of cloth strapped to them to save them, they do this for FUN

Conversely humans, a species that cannot survive without air, plunge themselves into the depths of their planet’s horrifying oceans until their bodies can’t take the pressure then they created vehicles to go further

Humanity didn’t wait to develop a sensible propulsion system to escape their planet’s atmosphere they strapped a metal tube to bombs and shot themselves out into the vacuum of space

If a human says something will ‘be fun’ assume that it’s probably life threatening

voodythevainglorious:

Humans quickly become known as the “house cat race” of the universe. They’re comparatively small against the other races, they’re fuzzy, and they’re bizarre as shit (see above), but they also are staunchly loyal companions, once you earn it.

Part of the pack bond instinct is that they also claim EVERYTHING as “theirs”, simply because they live somewhere or like something. The deep space freighter they’ve been on for the last month? Theirs. The yellow cup with a ding on the side that has been on the ship longer than they have? Also theirs. The standard issue blanket that looks like every other blanket in the universe? Theirs. Ship captain? Theirs. And they’re territorial little shits. They’ve been known to fight over somebody taking a pen by mistake because that is The Human’s Pen.

It’s this combination of strangeness and territorialness that makes them so valuable in a jam. Attackers on board a ship or broken through a colony wall? Humans will go balls out crazy to repel any invader because this is THEIR home and THEIR things and THEIR people and you don’t belong.

tosety:

Most confusing of all are the ‘introverts’.

This subtype of human looks identical to any other, but does not overtly show their bonding. Do. Not. Take this for a lack of bonding. They will be just as violent towards any threat that endangers you or your ship and it will seem all the more intense due to the complete and utter change in temperament.

No, this is not just them defending the ship; This One has heard a human claim shipmates that they have literally done nothing more than greet in the hallways as ‘friend’ and tear apart an invader that has assaulted said crewmate. This One does not exaggerate when it says ‘tear apart’ as the Grrthnk that raised the human’s ire was missing several limbs and the vital fluids of both were sprayed across the combat zone by the end of the fight.

manicnayt:

“Who’s the one beating the vxihgh with a stapler?”

“Mauren. Without her, we’d have never stopped the intruders on time.”

“I thought Mauren was the quieter one! Are you sure the same human that suggested our literary-recording-sharing clan is telling a vxihgh in xir prime to, ‘F*cking try it again, you oversized cabbage’? Some species can assume another’s appearance, you know.”

“I am sure. I’ve been here since the fight started. She was working at a table next to Targhd and the others when they were attacked. One of the intruders knocked Targhd out from behind. Xe was the first to go.”

“And the stapler?”

“It is a much more effective weapon than previously assumed.”

roachpatrol:

you know fantasy dragon soulbonding fic i want more of that where the humans are the dragons, like, we’re huge, we’re old, we’re scrappy as hell, and if you are small and cute enough we would be delighted to carry you around on our back

friendlytroll:

holy shit that’f b amazing.

also imagine an alien being like

‘I THINK A HUMAN IMPRINTED ON ME THEY KEEP HANGING AROUND ME’

dendritic-trees:

But imagine aliens that only form social bonds under very specific circumstances having to deal with humans though:

Like, they will bond with a group, and if they move they just bond with a new group while still talking to their old group. They will bond with other species. They encourage their children to practice bonding with inanimate objects. They can have more than one mate in their lifetime. Sometimes they have more than one mate simultaneously. Once they bond with you they’ll start trying to bring other humans they are bonded with to bond with you.

If you stand around them long enough they’ll probably just wander over and try to pat you, this is how they bond with other species. You may have accidentally bonded with a human without knowing it.

Seriously they will bond with anything.

borrowedphrases:

“I began studying your history. I came to the conclusion that of all the races we had encountered humans were the most dangerous. Because humans form communities, and from that diversity comes a strength no single race can withstand. That is your strength and it is that which makes you dangerous.“

-Delenn to Sheridan in Babylon 5 “Lines of Communication”

stephendann:

It’s more inexplicable than the human creature’s ability to bond with just about any sentient creatures of the galaxy was their gift to somehow for familial ties with equipment, infrastructure and inanimate items.

Even after enough peer reviewed, intra- and inter- and extraplanetary science teams had confirmed the presence of the phenomena, they were no closer to explaining how a human could bond with a space vessel. Worse yet, bonded human vessels routinely outperformed non-bonded vessels, even ones produced side by side in the same production facilities.

To add to the frustration, humans seemed to find it so unremarkable, that the very subdivision of humanity that should have been able to explain the occurrence were completely oblivious to its practice, with their named computers and their silent whispers of encouragement to their science machinery of “come on, hold together, you can do this” that, as yet, no other creature had replicated.

piplover:

When first meeting a human, many species are often confused by the contradictions inherent of the race. Fearful of the unknown, and divisive among themselves, when faced with an outside force they bond together. To go after one human is to go after them all. Conversely, to have a human mark you as an enemy is to ensure the wrath of the species. This is to be avoided at all cost.

Humans tend to find the most linear solution to a problem. It may take some adjustment to adapt to this behavior, and to beware of certain phrases. When a human begins a sentence, “What if we…” it is best to take the following suggestion with caution. Humans do not mind losing irreplaceable limbs if the solution is deemed appropriate. Also, the phrase, “Here, hold this,” is your notice to prevent the human from what they are about to do.

They may not be grateful for your diligence, but many species have found that after such a confrontation the human can be appeased by either mating or drinking large quantities of fermented beverages. After appeasement is achieved, offerings of food cooked in boiling oil and delivered still bubbling is also appropriate.

If your human becomes sick, or wilts from lack of contact with other humans, showing them pictures and films of fur covered species will cheer them up. This applies to any fur covered, including the ones that consider humans food sources.

Be warned, humans attempt to make friends of these creatures frequently. If one has attained a bond with said creature, do not, under any circumstances, attempt to remove the creature. This will make you an enemy of the human, and no treaty or armada will protect you.

Now you have your instructions, go forth and explore with your human. Allow them to be themselves, and your travels will be all the richer for it.

ladylemontea:

“…many species have found that after such a confrontation the human can be appeased with either mating or large quantities of fermented beverages…”

I now have this mental image of an aluin misinterpreting those instructions and thinking they have to be the one to mate with the human.

---

threedaysdisgrace:

can i mention how the kaiju have destroyed countless worlds but once they reached earth the humans were like nope. not today mother fuckers. big robots. lets go.

bunnybotbaby:

#they didnt account for a world that had the friggin audacity to look danger in the face#and build an appropriate robot

g-isabellae:

#CAN WE AD THIS TO THE MYTHOS OF HUMANS AS #SPACE ORCS #? #LIKE IMAGINE IF YOU WERE AN ANT EXTERMINATOR AND ONE DAY YOU GO TO SPRAY DOWN AN ANT HILL ONLY TO BE MET #BY A HUMAN-SIZED CONTRAPTION OF STICKS AND LEAVES PILOTED BY THESE TWO TEENY TINY ANTS #THAT THEN PROCEEDS TO KICK YOUR ASS TO KINGDOM COME #BEWARE OF HUMANS #THEY DO NOT DIE EASY #PACIFIC RIM

---

just-shower-thoughts:

What if aliens visited Earth during the Jurassic Period, found it to be occupied with a bunch of mean, giant lizards and thought “Well, fuck this planet” and never came back?

roachpatrol:

what if when humans went out into the galaxy all the aliens panicked because if the dinosaurs’ tiny fur snacks now had spaceships and laser blasters and interstellar colonies then what the fuck were the dinosaurs up to???

rockpapertheodore:

#important human policy: do not let any aliens know the dinosaurs are extinct#EVER

sunslammerdown:

jurassic park movies as extremely important interstellar propaganda

bethosaurus:

This is probably the best post on Tumblr tbh it combines aliens, dinosaurs, space travel, evolution, and borderline absurd humor in one thing

morkaischosen:

This is probably the best post on Tumblr - it combines aliens, dinosaurs, space travel, borderline absurd humour and metacommentary on the content of Tumblr posts in one thing.

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giraffepoliceforce:

I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.

They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.

splintercellconviction:

Imagine coming to a hostile alien world and being attacked by a horde of creatures that can weigh up to 3 tons, run at 30 km/h (19 mph), and bite with a force of 8,100 newtons (1,800 lbf).

By the time you realise that they can traverse water, it’s too late. The surviving members of your unit manage to make it back by shedding their excess gear and running for their lives; the slower ones were crushed to death within minutes.

You later describe the creature to one of the humans you captured, wanting to know the name of the monstrosity that will haunt your nightmares for cycles to come.

The human smiles as it speaks a single word, slowly and distinctly, in its barbaric tongue.

“Hippopotamus.”

artiestroke:

This is giving me the biggest, creepiest grin I might have ever grinned

skeletonmug:

Imagine being the next crew to go down to earth and thinking “it’s fine, we got this. We have the weapons and equipment necessary to deal with bears and *shudders* hippopotamuses. We’ll be fine.”

And at first you are, you’ve learned how to dodge. You’ve learned where their territories are. You know how to defend yourself.

But then one night you are sleeping in your shelter. You’re in a tree covered temperate part of earth. It seems benign. There are been no sightings of the dreaded “hippos” around. Not even any bears. But there is a slight rustle of the undergrowth. You try and ignore it telling yourself it is just the wind.

Then you hear the rustle again. closer this time.

You peer out into the darkness but see nothing amongst the trees.

The rustle again and now you realise you can smell something. It’s musky and slightly foul. It’s the smell of an omen, a warning. But what of? Where is this smell coming from.

You sit up, but it’s too late. The foul smelling creature is on you. You are hit with 17kg of coarse fur and vicious bites. Long dark claws tear in to you and you are pinned down white the striped creature tries to bite your throat.

It takes some doing but you manage to wrestle free. Blood drips from your wounds and already they itch with the sign of infection. The creature has a bloodied snout, rust rad, mingling with the black and white hairs. It lets out a terrifying growl from the back of its throat and looks to attack again. It’s between you and your knife, so your only choice is to back away.

Eventually the creature gives up and snuffles off in to the undergrowth, down a hole near your shelter you hadn’t noticed before.

When you make it back to your base you once again consult the captive human.

“Badger.” they say, with a solemn nod.

jabberwockypie:

One word: Moose

myurbandream:

“Our vehicles are far superior to the local human models, in range, speed, armament, and any other metric you care to name! Nothing could possibly-”

BAMrumblerumblethumpcrash!!!

“That’s called a moose.”

tygermama:

“We should be free of the threat of the ‘moose’ here on our new floating accommodation”

*humans start sniggering*

“… they can swim, can’t they”

*humans start laughing louder*

….

*mid-winter*

‘I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! K’T'SURKIK WENT OUTSIDE AND A MOUND OF SNOW ROSE UP AND ATE HIM’

ellidfics:

“What is this ‘wolverine’ you speak of?”

beautytruthandstrangeness:

Tell me the story of the unpleasantly surprised alien invaders and their captive human remnant, getting more smug the more the aliens fail at basic scouting…

I know we’re all talking the big smash-‘em-up type animals, but what about the little ones? Are aliens prepared for spiders? Mosquitoes? Fleas? Ticks? Even humans get sick or die from some of those, who knows what the fuck they’d do to an unprepared alien.

ladyshinga:

Nobody expects the mosquitoes

swaff-original:

Radio: “We seem to have located a colony-based life form. Primary scans seem to indicate that their dwelling consists mainly of wax and a calorically high substance suitable for our consumption. Since food reserves are minimal due the nature of this mission, we’ve elected to attempt harvest. Requesting that alpha base interrogate the captives as to the nature of this find.”

Aliens: “What are they?”

Human: “Sounds like… Bees. maybe?”

Aliens: “Bees?”

Radio: *slightly panicked* “Alpha base, please report…”

Aliens: “The captives seem to recognize the life form as… What was it, again?”

Human: “Bees! :-)”

Alien: *With somewhat resolved tone* “…Bees.”

Radio: *Nothing but screaming and the word: “BEES!!!”*

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS

morebadbookcovers:

Wolverines.

Also.. dolphins.

ohgodhesloose:

The invasion is going slowly. The humans have caught on and are actively destroying information on the planet’s flora and fauna before Intelligence can capture and process it. All that they have are survivors’ accounts. Bears. Hippos. Badgers. Moose. It is becoming obvious this mudball planet is a full-on Death World to the unprepared, and you are so very unprepared.

You lost Jaxurn to a plant. Not even a mobile or carnivorous plant, just one that caused a vicious allergic reaction on contact that killed him in less than a rai'kor. Commander Vura'ko died to an insect bite, a tiny local pest that sucked a tiny bit of her blood and apparently replaced it with a bit of its last meal, which was full of disease. Backwash. She died to bug backwash. And yet you honestly envy them after that… thing you encountered…

When you got back to base the quarantine officer refused to let you inside. They had to roll a containment tank outside to put you in, because you all knew there would be no chance of eliminating the smell if it got into the ship’s air ducts. Smell. You wonder if your nasal slit will ever recover from this stench.

And the smell would. Not. Leave. After incinerating your gear the Q.O. had you use every cleansing agent they could think of, including a few janitorial ones, and still everyone fled the stench if they were downwind of your tank. Desperate to protect everyone’s nasal slits from the smell the quarantine officer interrogated the humans. From them, a glimmer of hope: there was a cure. Somehow the juice of a certain fruit on this mudball was the only thing that could break up the chemicals in the little horror’s spray. Immediately the Q.O. sent a team to recover buckets of the stuff and made you bathe in it. That was hours ago and it didn’t seem to be working, though. All it was doing was turning your blue skin an interesting shade of purple.

Sighing in frustration you wave the med-assist on duty over, who only approaches after checking the wind direction. Annoyed, you flip on the tank`s vox speaker.

“The humans did say it was “grape” juice that removed “skunk” stench, right?“

majingojira:

Every night.

It came for someone almost every night.

Any soldier alone was a viable target for this native monster that moved unseen by any but the security viewers, usually only spotted in hindsight. They were taken as silently as this earth-monster moved. Sometimes they’d find the remains in the morning taken up a tree and hung there, mostly eaten, as if it were a grisly reminder that the monster was still there, waiting unseen, to strike again.

What little they saw of the monster on the vidfeed showed true horror. Yellow eyes that shone with all the light it could gather. It had fangs as long as his grasping digits. Claws half that size formed curved hooks that allowed it to climb up their fortifications with impunity. And in the underbrush, its spots made it almost impossible to see clearly in the undergrowth, if it could be seen at all.

Even the native sentients, the humans, had a healthy respect and fear for it.

The earth natives called the monster a leopard.

It was a constant fear that muddied the senses, and let the monster hunt even more effectively as the soldiers were always on edge. Sleep deprived with fear, it made them even better targets for the monster.

But rumor was that there was worse on this planet. Rumors of a monster like a leopard but larger, and bigger in every imaginable sense. Stripped instead of spotted, which leaped from the underbrush with a sound.

A sound that burst eardrums, paralyzed entire units, and let the monster kill with impunity. While the Leopard wrestled soldiers down and ripped their throats out. This other monster, the Tiger, killed with its pounce alone.

lyricwritesprose:

“We’ve been through this,” Group Leader 455 snapped. “The dissection of an Earth life form will help the scientists make weapons to combat the rest of this planet’s hellbeasts. And these are domesticated. Harmless.”

The troops were not-quite-looking at her in the way troops do when they don’t want to be seen to contradict a ranking officer, but can’t quite muster a correct Expression of Enthusiastic Assent. “The name of this species,” she pointed out, “is synonymous with dullness and slowness in the language of the Earth barbarians.” Well, one language out of several thousand—these creatures needed Imperial guidance more than any other world on record—but there was no point in confusing the rank and file.

More not-quite-looking. 455 bubbled a sigh and consulted her scanner. “That one,” she decided. “Alone in the separate pasture. Scans suggest that it’s a male, which means it’s probably weaker. Possibly it’s kept isolated so that the females don’t eat it before mating season. And yes, I know some of you are here on punishment detail, but you’re still soldiers of the Imperium. This squad is perfectly capable of handling a lone, helpless, pathetic male cow.”

petermorwood:

I’m enjoying this immensely. Wait until the aliens try Australia for size…

pokemonsunburn:

It was a strange creature Tar'van glimpsed at on the vast island known to the humans as ‘Australia’.

“I would warn you not to fuck with us, mate.” Their forced guide, a prisioner, had warned with a chilling grin upon capture. “If you think a moose is bad, wait until you tango with a red back.” To this day Tar'van fears the creature known as the red back, and what horrors it would bring.

The prisioner turned out to be of little help,the stubboness of his people causing them to refuse the danger that the captured human warned of. Tar'van recalls a moment when one of his squad members approached a creature know as a dingo, insistent they had seen these creatures before and they were tame. They barely escaped with 5 of the original 7 members of his squad.

Another moment Tar'van recalls was the brutal mauling they witnessed by the hands of a creature called an ‘Emu’

“Don’t feel too bad,” the prisioner mocked. “We lost a war to the Emu’s as well.”

Now with only 4 members of their squad left, including themself, Tar'van had learned to listen to the prisoner, to be wary of the simplest of creatures. This human was of the sub-species of ‘Zookeeper’ after all.

The ‘Zookeeper’ looks off to the distance, where the creature is.

“It’s a kangaroo, leave it be and you’ll be fine.” Tar'van nods, a human signal of acknowledgement if they are correct. The human smiles a bit.

“That creature cannot possibly harm us.” Tar'van’s squadleader protests. “It is so docile. I will aproach it and bring back it’s head to show this human is a fearmongering liar.”

The human reels back, a look of disgust crosses their face and anger passes through their eyes.

“Fucking do it mate, I dare ya.” The human hisses. The squad leader puffs up their hoinn gland, a sign of pride to their species, and aproached the so called ‘Kangaroo’.

“This will be unpleasant.” A squadmate mutters as they watch their leader raise their fist and bring it down on the creature. The ‘Kangaroo’ looks a little stunned by the impact, before it raises itself upon its strong tail and uses its powerful heind legs to launch their squadleader backwards through the air.

Their squadleader lands upon the ground, unmoving with black blooded oozeing from them. It appears Tar'van is the squads leader now.

“I don’t know what they expected.” the human says, smugness filling their tone. “Kangaroos are fucking shreaded. 8-pack and all.”

Tar'van steps forward to the human, whom inches back in a sign of fear as Tar'van pulls their blade from its holster, and in their first act as leader, frees the human of the bonds around their hands.

“Please,” Tar'van bags. “Get us back safely.”

miracufic:

@kryallaorchid, you guys really lost a war to emus? Why was it necessary?

kryallaorchid:

oh, mate, you never mess with the emus.

kawaguardian:

(Jesus christ. Dont get us started on kangaroos)

They had faced Emu’s. They had lost one in the battle but had experienced them. But this was no emu.

Looking to their guide, they all stare in horror as his face changes from calculating to fear. Pure, heart consuming horror as he stares at the large bird.

“Cassowary…”

They mimic him in fear. Squawking the horrific name as another joins the first in the mad run towards them.

The only ones to survive was the native guide and Tar'van. The guide was carrying the soldier over his shoulder as they made their way back to the settlement.

Tar'van was a wreck. Periodically alternating between rocking in complete silence and whispering broken words in horror.

When they consulted the native all he said was “Its spring…. Magpie season…”

paksenarrion-reader:

“Listen up, troops. This armour upgrade has been tested both in the laboratories of the best Imperial military scientists and in the field. We are impervious to the stings of any insect on this hellhole of a planet, striped or not! We can brave the perils of its wildlife, and conquer it at long last! Revenge for our fallen companions! Glory to the Emperor!”

“Excuse me,” the native Terran guide speaks up in a tired tone, and the squad’s cheers die on their lips. “This is Japan. You haven’t seen what–”

“Silence, worm! No sting can penetrate this plating!”

The guide tries to warn them once again, merely earning a blow that throws them to their knees. The troops set out, morale high, certain in their ability to brave the wildlife now and thirsting for vengeance against the non-sentient native species. One soldier thumps his fist against a tree. A hollow sound follows.

In an instant, the soldier is the centre of a storm of the striped insects. At first, no one pays it any mind. Their little stings cannot penetrate the new plating, after all.

But then the soldier falls to his knees, and the squad stares in horror as the insects enclose him in layer upon layer of their own bodies, all moving. The squad’s medic yells a warning at everyone to stay back, watching the readouts of the unfortunate soldier’s armour on their diagnostic screen with undisguised horror. The insects aren’t even stinging. They simply keep moving, one atop the other, and the soldier’s body temperature is slowly rising until he drops to the ground, quite literally cooked alive. The insect swarm takes off, unharmed save for the ones that were crushed when the trooper fell.

Finally asked about what happened, the human sighs. “Japanese honeybees. They do this to wasps, too.”

murkymuse:

“How?” You ask. “How has your species dominated this planet?”

The human bares its teeth. A smile, they call it. Something humans do when they are happy. Yet you can’t help but think of all the creatures with the their large fangs and sharp teeth. (What kind of species uses a threat signal as a sign of happiness?)

“Persistence and ingenuity.” The human answers, still smiling.

It doesn’t matter that this one is your prisoner. Humans, you decide, are as terrifying as their planet.

fallenwithstyle:

“And scattered about it … were the Martians–dead!–slain by the putrefactive and disease bacteria against which their systems were unprepared; slain as the red weed was being slain; slain, after all man’s devices had failed, by the humblest things that God, in his wisdom, had put upon this earth.”

– HG Wells, The War of the Worlds,1898

catbountry:

I’m picturing aliens going up against a hoard of Canadian geese, or a swan.

I think at that point they’d just give up.

invaderdrey:

Or fire ants

eeyore9990:

No one even MENTIONED snakes yet…

breelandwalker:

This thing gets better EVERY FUCKING TIME I SEE IT.

fir-trees-unite:

“Let us try the creatures that the humans keep for domestic companionship”

“Is that a miniature tiger?”

“Why does this human own a small pack of wolves?”

The aliens ask their human captive why small wolves live with them.

“Oh, you mean dogs? Yeah, they’re the only animals that can keep up with us.”

The aliens look at each other in fear. “What do you mean?”

“Oh well that’s why you guys ‘won’ is because humans aren’t super fast or strong. I think my middle school biology teacher called us pursuit predators? It means we evolved to hunt things by following them at walking pace until they had to stop to sleep and then catching up to them then. Dogs are the only animals that can keep up with us. Did you know one time a pack of wolves tailed a herd of caribou for three days straight?”

“Uh… okay, what about these small round things with big teeth?”

“Omg dude no if you give a hamster enought time that little fucker can chew through concrete :)”

The aliens wonder if the surrender of humanity was a trap.

grimm-fairy:

Somebody do sharks or sea creatures next. Giant squids would wreak havoc on their ships.

hedgiwithapen:

rebloging because Hamsters are the most demonic critter on the planet for real.

also, hummingbirds. Humming birds will attack /owls/

grimm-fairy:

The aliens have sophisticated technology which pretty much allows them to live underwater, which is something even the inventive humans have never managed. Submarines have nothing on alien submersion pods, which can withstand the crushing pressures of even the darkest depths of the oceans and seas.

The aliens aren’t expecting any difficulties with their underwater expeditions. Of course, that’s when four of the life signs on the central screen simply vanish, like they’d never been there.

Alpha turns on the direct communication lines to the remaining submersion pods, and the only thing they hear through the tinny speakers is screaming.

Alpha resists the urge to turn and stare at the shackled human standing behind them, but Beta, Gamma and Theta have no such compunctions.

The human shrugs. “I mean, we’ve never really been down there so we’re not entire sure, but we’ve heard stories of giant squids and stuff. No smoke without fire, and all that.”

“There can be neither smoke nor fire underwater, human, cease your prattling.”

The human snorts. “It’s a phrase. A metaphor? Man, I don’t know, I studied marine biology, not literature.”

The human is unable to tell them anything useful about what might have happened to the submersion pods, but retrieved footage later shows tentacled behemoths snaking out of the depths of disturbed silt and cold water, and crushing the submersion pods effortlessly, in full view of the outer-hull cameras. The monsters have giant beaks which rip through the organic alloy sheets, and into the bodies of the pod pilots within.

The outer-hull cameras register the blue of fresh spilled blood and gore, at the same time the on-board cameras register screaming and the red glow of critical power failure.

The last thing the aliens can see on the retrieved footage is thin, long, snakelike creatures appearing out of the darkness and gloom, creating their own light and descending upon the remains of their brethren. They are accompanied by creatures that look like plastic bags, but which feed upon the toxic remains of the organic alloy of which the pods were made.

The human appears completely nonchalant - there is no love lost between slave and master. “Wait till you see sharks.”

obsessionality:

I’ve seen this post go around a few times, but this time I have some thoughts:

1) This is more or less the plot of Animorphs.

2) Earth has Poison Dart Frogs, we’re clearly a Death World.

3) I’m now imagining them deciding to set up a base on the poles, because life on this planet is clearly dependant on plants. So, that frozen wasteland should be safe of any dangerous megafauna.

Cue Polar Bear out of nowhere.

endangereduglythings:

GIANT SQUID.

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thatgirlonstage

If you aren’t sick to death of these, for “Earth is space Australia” please consider… the ocean.

Idk why but I’m super into the idea of humans going out and exploring the galaxy and becoming well-known interstellar travelers where Google Maps now has a Google Universe page and we’ve digitally recreated entire planets so that humans who can’t or don’t want to leave Earth can explore them in VR… but we still haven’t explored more than like a quarter of the ocean floor

And like some plucky alien marine biologist from a planet where the water never gets deeper than like 2000 meters is planning to study on Earth because holy shit have you seen how much WATER they have?? And her human friend asks what she wants to study and she replies “Oh, well, I’ve heard the deepest place in your ocean is over five times deeper than it is here, I’d love to find out if anything can still survive under such pressure and so far from sunlight.” And their human friend looks at them in sort of distressed admiration - “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” - and is just like,

“Oh, things can survive alright. Freakish things from the depths of hell.” And that’s how plucky little alien sits up all the night eye getting steadily wider while their human friend shows them pictures of things like the viperfish and the pelican eel and the blue ringed octopus and oh did I mention we’ve barely explored a fraction of the ocean so like we know there used to be this prehistoric shark that grew up to 20 feet long and was one of the biggest predators of all time but honestly “used to be” is an optimistic statement because that thing could still be lurking in the depths of the ocean and we just don’t know

Alternatively, hostile alien species arrives and claims our oceans because we aren’t using them, leaves screaming within a week

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homeworldlapis:

to add to this “humans are weird” thing

did you know that humans are the only species on earth with the ability to throw things with any significant degree of accuracy and force (apes can throw with about the force of a human ten year old, but cant lock their wrists well enough for accuracy)

and we just never really think about it bc its so easy and simple to us that pretty much all of our sports are based around the concept of throwing things accurately

what if the concept of projectile weapons takes most species FOREVER to get the hang of, or even come up with in the first place.

a human goes onto a ship and throws some trash into the nearest reclaimer, shouts “kobe!” and all the other aliens on board absolutely LOSE THEIR MINDS

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just-shower-thoughts:

I want humanity to go to other planets so that WE can be the badass aliens in THEIR movies.

#super post #hunans are weird #aliens #space #humans #human-steve #they weren't counting on bears

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sherristockman · 7 years ago

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Benefits of Taro Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola Looking like a spud on steroids, taro is a commonly eaten commodity in areas such as Hawaii, India, Southeast Asia and other warm areas of the world, the reason it's dubbed "potato of the tropics." Colocasia esculenta (also called poi in its mashed form) thrives in warm, tropical climates due to the abundance of humidity and heat. The fact that taro is one of the few crops that thrive in flooded areas is significant to its wide use in many different areas, as its petioles, or stalks, can transfer even while under water. More than 11.3 million metric tons of taro plants/roots are cultivated around the world each year.1 A perennial herb as well as a bulbo-tuber or corm, taro has gigantic heart-shaped leaves and can grow as tall as 6 feet. Its skin is fibrous and sometimes hairy, with concentric rings around the outside. As the featured video above notes, large taro tubers have more starch, which is often best for cooking. They should be cut so the flat surface can be used as a base for easier peeling. Taro can be cubed, steamed until tender and mashed with a fork to make a Thai dessert called Bua Loy (which translates to "floating lotus) and involves chewy rice balls, sweet coconut soup and mashed taro. With a nutty flavor comparable to water chestnuts, the color inside is similar to a potato, or has purple flecks and streaks, which you may know if you've ever eaten vegetable chips, typically containing other root veggies such as batata, sweet potato and parsnip. You can buy taro to use much as you would a potato. Frozen products and taro flour are also available in ethnic stores. A popular way to prepare is to slice them thin using a mandolin or the slicer gizmo in your food processor to make taro chips. Place them on a baking sheet, lightly brush the slices with coconut oil and bake at 350 degrees F until they're crisp — about 15 minutes, according to Martha Stewart.2 Place them on a paper towel to cool and give them a sprinkle of sea salt. They can be served with a dip like hummus. It should be noted that while the leaves are also edible, both taro leaves and the root itself must be cooked, as the raw form is toxic.3 Further, "Taro contains oxalic acid, the acridity of the leaves and corms is known to cause irritation of the skin and mouth; high levels or prolonged consumption of oxalic acid can produce physical side effects."4 Properly cooking taro removes this concern, however. Taro: Good for Gut Health and Much More Far from a being simply a cheap food source, taro is a bona fide superfood, containing high amounts of potassium, known to be a heart-healthy nutrient as it makes fluid transfers between your body’s membranes and tissues easier. There’s also significant fiber, calcium and iron, plus vitamins A, B-6, C and E. The leaves provide fiber, too, along with protein, vitamins A, C and B-6, thiamin, copper, calcium and folate. Besides helping to keep you regular to promote digestive health, fiber helps regulate your insulin and glucose levels to normalize your blood sugar. One serving contains 27 percent of the Daily Reference Intake (DRI). Further, one study shows that fermented taro, a poi dish, contains even more gut-friendly bacteria than yogurt.5 Cryptoxanthin is the taro ingredient that's responsible for lowering your risk of developing lung and oral cancers, but powerful antioxidants certainly help in this regard. Upon eating taro, your vision may also benefit due to antioxidant beta-carotenes, and your skin gets a boost of health from the presence of vitamin E and vitamin A. Additionally, wounds and blemishes heal more rapidly and wrinkles are less visible. Lesser but still significant amounts of copper and iron help prevent anemia and aid in healthy blood circulation, while at the same time helping to produce red blood cells for oxygen transit. All these nutrients combine to "up" your immune system. Vitamin C creates more white blood cells, which act as a defense against disease-causing bacteria, and helps to detoxify your body.6 Amino acids and omega-3 fats contained in taro are also very beneficial to your overall health, but particularly your heart. Altogether, the myriad of health benefits from all the vitamins and minerals make taro an uncommonly nutritious food. Another nutritionally beneficial aspect of taro is that when its granules are broken down they're only one-tenth of the size of white potato granules, so it's easily digestible. As a review, taro consumption, according to Organic Facts, is recognized for its ability to: ✓ Improve digestion ✓ Help prevent certain cancers ✓ Lower blood sugar levels7 ✓ Improve your vision ✓ Help prevent heart disease ✓ Support your muscles and nerves ✓ Improve your skin ✓ Increase circulation ✓ Decrease your blood pressure ✓ Strengthen your immune system Taro as an Antibacterial Food Preservative Another benefit of taro is its antibacterial potential, especially in regard to its development as a food preservative. A U.S. Army-based study from 2000 to 2001 was designed to revitalize Hawaii's economy. Congress allocated funds for the development of Hawaiian industries and products, and included poi, "a purplish to grayish paste made of ground taro." According to the U.S. Army Soldier and Biological Chemical Command Soldier Systems Center: "In an attempt to understand the natural fermentation of taro to poi, bacteria have been isolated from freeze-dried poi produced in Hawaii. Bacteria believed to be involved in the fermentation have been isolated and identified. It was determined that taro can support the growth of bacteriocin-producing bacteria. Bacteriocins are small peptides that are naturally produced by food-safe organisms that can inhibit food spoilage/pathogenic bacteria. A relatively dilute solution of taro is needed to support the growth of the bacteria and the production of the bacteriocin."8 In 2005, Research Gate noted that burrito sandwiches using taro were field tested as an intermediate moisture (IM) product for military use and tested for bacteria after periods of seven and 14 days, ending with a 56-day period, after which the abstract noted that by all appearances, fermented taro can be a good preservation ingredient, although further studies were recommended.9 The Decline of Taro in Hawaii One of the oldest crops on the planet, one study described archeologists' discovery of stone mortars and pestles in the Solomon Islands with evidence of taro being used around 28,000 years ago. The first European navigators found it being cultivated in both Japan and New Zealand, and accounts from Captain James Cook's travels note taro cultivation in Maori plantations in 1769.10 But in Hawaii, taro and poi were both sacred. Since Western culture moved into the Hawaiian Islands beginning in 1778, taro, once a major crop grown for centuries and covering as much as 35,000 acres, has declined so sharply that it's now estimated to cover just 350 acres, attributed to the influx of wheat and rice brought in from Asia and the U.S., as well as the invasion of new diseases. In the late 1940s, a large sugar company diverted the water source needed for taro fields, effectively shutting down production. The last sugar plantation closed recently, however, so water rights can again be attained for taro farmers' use. It's interesting to note, however, that "once taro is cultivated the plant does not naturally produce viable seeds, and is predominantly vegetatively propagated," one study11 noted. However, there's a new interest in this staple crop, called kalo, as local farmers produce about 75 percent of what is consumed on the island, which amounts to about 6.5 million pounds every year. Ironically, much of that — about 2 million pounds — is imported from Fiji. As a crop, taro is returning, but it's a slow process, Civil Eats12 reports. Traditional Culture in Regard to Food Traditional Hawaiian culture has admired a more full-figured physique, and it's had a detrimental impact on the entire region. The World Health Organization (WHO) described the Pacific Islands as the most obese nations in the world, as the average population for obesity ranges from 35 percent to 50 percent; in the Cook Islands, it's just over 50 percent, and Hawaii is right next door. About 1 in every 5 children is obese, and the rate of early-onset diabetes is high. Even though overall health has been improving, the above statistics are a microcosm of the region's overall health. Native Hawaiians' life expectancy is six years lower than the state average, a direct result of the high incidences of metabolic disorders, i.e., obesity, diabetes and heart disease, and higher rates of stroke and cancer. In the late 1980s, a study by Dr. Terry Shintani and nutritionist Claire Hughes that simulated what Hawaiians ate before "civilization" showed up. Study subjects ate as much taro, poi, sweet potatoes, breadfruit and fruit as they wanted, as well as small amounts of fish and chicken. In just 21 days, participants had lost an average of 17 pounds and had lower levels of blood pressure and blood sugar and improved cholesterol. Shintani wrote "The Hawaii Diet" to help steer the islanders' diets in a better direction, both naturally and with local foods, and leads community programs and health workshops through his nonprofit Hawaii Health Foundation. CNN quoted Temo Waqanivalu, program officer with WHO's Prevention of Non-Communicable Diseases Department, a Fijian native who's battled the issue for over a decade. He calls obesity and related illnesses a "deadly epidemic" and said he's "seen the epidemic evolve firsthand, aided by the cultural acceptance of bigger bodies as beautiful."13 "Up to 95 percent of the adult population are overweight or obese in some countries. In Polynesia the perception of 'big is beautiful' does exist, (but) big is beautiful, fat is not. That needs to get through."14 The 'Western Diet' Now Part of the Pacific Island Legacy One of the problems with these populations, says Dr. Jonathan Shaw, associate director of Baker IDI Heart and Diabetes Institute, Australia, is its collective genetic predisposition, "and when exposed to Western lifestyles results in high rates of diabetes, (it's) undoubtedly caused by high rates of obesity." Worldwide, Waqanivalu observed, poor quality and highly energy-dense food is the cheapest, and processed food is both easy to prepare and cheap. Fishermen sell the fish they catch to buy canned tuna, and a bottle of soda is often cheaper than a bottle of water. Half a century ago, people worked their land, but urbanization and "sedentary office cultures" have exacerbated the problem. According to CNN: "The epidemic began through the tropical region turning its back on traditional diets of fresh fish and vegetables and replacing them with highly processed and energy-dense food such as white rice, flour, canned foods, processed meats and soft drinks imported from other countries. One of the root causes of the change is the price tag."15 A New Focus and Renewed Hope While the decline of taro production definitely coincides with the decline of the average Native Hawaiian's health, there's been a renewed focus on taro production, as well as on healthy eating. Several former taro production ponds have been resurrected, so to speak; Maui local Hōkūao Pellegrino is one farmer who's using ancestral land to grow 45 varieties of organic taro, Civil Eats reports: "While pursuing a graduate degree at the University of Hawaiʻi at Hilo, Pellegrino, his father, and his mentor, Kanaʻe Keawe, a professor of ethnobotany and master craftsman, began to clear and restore his family's taro pond. In 2004, after being chosen by 'Onipaʻa Nā Hui Kalo, a statewide organization of kalo farmers, for their annual restoration project, Noho'ana Farm was reborn. Pellegrino recalls, 'We had 125 people come and help open our very first loʻi. Kalo farmers from the Big Island to Kauaʻi and everywhere in between; family members, cousins, neighbors — it was huge.'"16 Besides gearing the farm so processes can become a teaching tool for next-generation Hawaiians, several native "value-added products," such as poi, taro paste (paʻiʻai) and a popular taro and coconut dessert called kulolo, are sold at the lowest price possible. "I want people to eat healthy food at reasonable prices," he said. "Poi should be available to everybody, and at a cost that they can afford."17 Meanwhile, Pellegrino's farm is an example of how innovative kalo-based farm-to-table innovation can change the landscape. Over recent years, Maui is a new beacon on the map as a food-driven destination; Noho'ana Farm is a supplier for Maui-born chef de cuisine Isaac Bancaco, who gained a following for using local produce like taro and other "canoe foods" and sustainable seafood, and winning Maui Nō Ka ʻOi Magazine's 2014 Chef of the Year.18 Over the last few decades, schools and corporations have been working with governmental entities throughout the islands to bring about a change in the mindset of native populations, combat and change obesity and diabetes percentages, control the market, improve trade and adopt school policies that enhance health. The nutritional aspects of taro are being looked at as a viable commodity for "fixing" the Hawaiian diet, and they may add valuable nutrition to diets worldwide as well.

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