#its honestly opening a new level of zen for me

[madsdefencesquad]

Okay I got boooored so here’s a Kevison magazine fic I wrote for Kevison nation coz I love yous and we deserve to see Kevin talk about his fam magazine-stylez coz you know he’ll be gushing all the time about them, like you just KNOW IT.

Kevin Pearson on life, fatherhood and what’s next for him by x March 2028, Spring edition

It’s been twelve years since the impassioned The Manny star Kevin Pearson announced to the world that he will be quitting the role that had started it all for him. Pearson’s public meltdown was excruciating, to say the least, but it was this very act of defiance that led the actor towards the path of the actor-crusader that he is now known for—a revolutionary who defied the odds and ultimately defined him as one of the greatest actors of his generation.

After a slew of tabloid-worthy dalliances with famous co-stars including the soap operatic love triangle with Tony award-winner Olivia Maine and his Back of an Egg co-producer and playwright Sloane Sandburg, to the court-ordered rehab stint after a DUI arrest, Kevin Pearson has done nothing but illicit the kind of stories that tabloids are desperate to display and monetise from in full view. All of these seemed the perfect pivot points for the actor, basking in the affordances of all this fame and fortune albeit in a trajectory of a complete career-destruction, but the actor was by no means deterred in proving that he can and should be taken seriously in his acting craft.

Pearson came through with striking, emboldened performances: a soldier with an inability to confront his demons in the Ron Howard-helmed World War II flick opposite Sylvester Stallone, and an embittered cop in the M Night Shyamalan action flick Stairs to Nowhere. But it wasn’t until his role as a disingenuous trial lawyer in the 2020 Jordan Martin Foster film Glass Eye that earned him his first ever Academy Award nomination and eventual win that proved to the world that when he puts his mind to it, Kevin Pearson can truly achieve the kind of acting greatness worth the lauded applause.

Pearson, who was born and raised in Pittsburgh before moving to New York and eventually Los Angeles, has spent a good amount of his life in the public eye. Though his sunny, easy-going persona and physicality have been compared to the likes of Chris Hemsworth and (supposed rival) Chris Evans, the Pittsburgh-bred Pearson doesn’t feel the need now to prove that he is anything but a conscientious actor and a dedicated family man.

It’s a warm, spring afternoon when I ring the buzzer of a sprawling floor-to-ceiling glass residence tucked away in a town in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. The little lady of the house, barefoot in a floral-print dress, greets me with an encouraged wave from her father, who is cradling her against him upon opening the front door. “She’s not normally this shy,” Kevin says with an affectionate grin as he leads the way to the sitting room, his little girl curiously taking peeks at me with what I garner is her mother’s soft blue eyes given Kevin’s famous warm browns.

The newly built residence is a remarkably private house perched on a dramatic hillside overlooking a panoramic view of the verdant surrounds, which Kevin says, “keeps the family very safe from prying eyes.” This feature, of course, was at the forefront of his mind prior to laying its foundations there.

“There’s one main reason as to why I chose to build here specifically,” he says. “But I’m not gonna bore you with the details. Let’s just say, I’m honoring a memory. Makes me sound real poetic, doesn’t it?”

Throughout Kevin’s career, he’s been known to talk quite candidly about his love and appreciation for his mother, Rebecca Pearson, with his Oscars acceptance speech having heavily featured his immense gratitude to her as would a loving son. But, as we move along the elegantly furnished corridors with him pointing and elaborating at the various artworks decorating the walls and the spaces, it is obvious that Kevin has an unrivalled affection for his wife that is quite notably special.

We make our way to a sitting area outside where we are entreated to the sounds and sights of a naturally filtered swimming billabong with cascading falls—a modern feature incorporated with the Japanese Zen garden landscaping that is just breathtaking to behold in person. “I wanted to make it feel as authentic as the ones you find in Japan,” he says, sitting on one of the cushioned recliners. He pours me a glass of red wine while he settles for chilled tonic, his little girl now helping herself to some olives and crackers.

There is an air of rare contentment around Kevin as he laughingly recalls his twins’ daily shenanigans. “Nothing really compares to coming home to them,” he says. “And I’m not trying to sound ungrateful or anything, but I’ve been [working my whole life] and I’ve only had my wife and kids just short of a decade, and that’s nothing! So, I do what I can to be home in as most days of the year as I can.”

When asked whether he’s perhaps heading into the territory of acting retirement in favour of other pursuits like directing or producing, Kevin thinks it can go either way.

“The other night in bed my wife suggested I do voice acting,” he says, to which his little girl unintentionally responds to in glee as she, her feet now strapped in light-up sandals, runs the width of the garden (within sight of her dad, of course) with her Jessie and Bullseye dolls held high. “She knows me too well,” he says fondly of Madison, his wife of eight years now. “I’d love to have my kids watch a movie that dad’s in without having to wait till they’re teenagers. And I hate thinking of my babies as teenagers! God, it’s just the worst age!”

Kevin recalls his teenage years with the kind of accepted embarrassment fit for a 48-year-old, but he laughs saying, “But I see a little more of their mom in them than me so that gives me hope. I’d hate to think I passed on angsty teen Kevin to either one of them. Just serious kudos to my parents for putting up with me all those years. I must’ve been a nightmare.”

From endorsing the des Resistance popular eau de parfum for men to his Armani-clad behind splashed on every billboard in the country (much to his chagrin and to his wife’s entertainment), Kevin Pearson has always been quite the go-getter, and though his “yes man” days in the industry are over, he’s always open to other ways in which he can challenge himself in his craft without compromising the time spent with his family.

“They’re my first priority, no questions asked,” he says. For a kid, who grew up in a middle-class family with parents whom had high hopes for their future, Kevin says that now, as a father himself, his perspective has shifted as to what’s really important and what’s not.

“I think a lot of the time there’s an expectation for your kids to meet the standard their parents have set or even go beyond it,” he says. “But that’s just toxic, you know? And it puts a lot of pressure on them to be someone that they’re not and not meant to be.”

Kevin is candid about his insecurities as an actor and as a father and as a husband, but there is a masterful acceptance there that he gives full credit to his wife. “We’re not perfect people, perfect parents,” he says. “And we’ll never be. That’s just a fact of life. But getting to do this with your person, the love of your life makes the biggest difference. I used to think that my parents had the greatest love story ever, and I used to really idolise it, you know, but honestly I think Madison and I can probably rival that.” And he thinks that if he’ll ever write, direct or produce a script, it’ll be about him and his wife’s sweeping and unconventional love story that will be the “tear-jerker of the century. Like, A Walk to Remember or The Notebook level but like better!”

I ask him what Madison would think of his plans to unleash their love story to the world, and as if on cue, he fishes his phone from his pocket and utters a “just a sec” before leaving to grab his daughter and take the call.

Following his game-changing Academy Award win in 2021, Kevin had let himself free fall in the industry as a kind of versatile actor in roles where he sweeps you away with gut-punching monologue deliveries coupled with an intensity that comes in through the eyes. He hasn’t delved into comedy since his Manny days though, but there is a certain cajoling ease in his demeanour that could easily challenge his funny bone.

“It’s Madison,” he returns not long after and settles himself down again, his daughter handing me a pizza-shaped play-dough I pretend to munch on. “She’ll be home soon. You should meet her. You’d love her! Everyone does not that it’s surprising.”

And who could deny that offer?

Kevin shows me a photograph of the twins on his phone at their cousin’s birthday whom they celebrated with in California last week and qualms that they’re growing up way too fast—yet another reiteration that he is as doting of a father as he is a consummate actor. He thinks that though Hollywood is a lot less ageist in terms of film and TV roles, there is still that pressure not to succumb to filling a role just because you’re the right age for it.

“Ever since my kids were born, I’ve been approached to do a lot of dad roles. Like my agent would send me about five scripts a week where my character is supposed to be this stereotypical dad.  I’ve rarely taken any of them because I feel like it’s like they’re just trying to fit me in to a role just because I can say, ‘Oh hey, yeah I’m a dad now, I know what that means or what that looks like’, and not that that isn’t a good thing per se, but there’s a difference between the director wanting me to put my own spin to it as Kevin Pearson the actor versus them just wanting Kevin Pearson the dad. The way I approach parenting my kids, the way my wife and I do it, would be different to the way my character in this film would parent his kids. Sure, there may be certain overlaps, but it’s not going to be full Kevin Pearson the dad, you know? So, it’s hard with that kind of expectation.”

As the sun dips a little lower and it gets a little cooler, Kevin takes us back to the house just in time to finally meet Madison and their little boy, who looks strikingly like his father though, upon closer inspection, actually looks a little more like his mother. But there is one undeniable feature of the twins that definitely comes from both parents: the adorable identical dimples adorning their little chins.

Madison Pearson is as beautiful in person as she looks in photographs standing beside her husband in premieres and events. With her light-blue eyes and warm, soothing voice that sounds both delicate and excited at the same time, Madison is nothing but the embodiment of all things lovely.

“She grounds me,” he says adoringly, watching Madison and their kids flit about in the kitchen arranging dinner. “There isn’t much I can say that’s good about me if it hadn’t been for her. I can be ambitious and sometimes there’s always that pull towards something bigger but not necessarily better and she tells me honestly. She calls me out. And everyone needs that, you know? A frank person who won’t sugar coat anything, but they do it because they love you.”

It’s easy to imagine Kevin in gritty noir films playing bad cop, good cop or even as an intimidating trial lawyer, but Kevin as a family man is the role that is perfectly suited for him, almost like it’s created especially for him. As a father, he thrives on the affections of his kids, and as an actor, he finds pleasure in what’s he’s good at. And as a husband, his smile is the widest. “Not gonna lie, her not even being slightly jealous of that one time I did a love scene still gets to me,” he jokes. But it’s obvious that it bothers him not one bit. He enjoys being Madison Pearson’s more than anything.

“It’s crazy to think that people are inspired by what I do and who I am when for most of my life, it was 100% the other way around. It’s a huge responsibility, really, but I take it as it goes. I have my kids on the back of my mind now every time I make any decision, and I have a wife to love and support too, so it’s easier to not feel trapped by people’s opinions and expectations of you when you’re too focused on them and being the best person you can be for you and for them. So, it’s about growing every day, and enjoying all that life has to offer, and making every moment count.” x

Particular shoutout to my GC gals coz like ILY 5EVS @wallofweird @betweensunflowersanddaffodils @thisiskevison @thesocietalmisfit @tryalittlejoytomorrow @lullabiesandgoodbyes @flythesail @ourfinehouse @elephantsneedwater @holding-up-the-universe @smoakingpinklipstick @purpleinthesky

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book question! I saw you talking about romance novels and am here to ask (if you feel like it) any good romances you enjoyed in 2020? personally I liked salt magic skin magic, fumbled, and dare to love a duke (which... you did not ask for. sorry!!) happy new year! ✨

hello! i did not ask for them but am pleased to receive them! i too love salt magic skin magic! a very good book with a very bad cover.

thank you again for asking for my romance novel opinions. i read a lot of romance novels, and novels with romance in them, last year! some of my favourites under the cut. i tried to be brief, and failed. there are....a lot of books under this cut. i hope you were serious about wanting recs.

romance novels:

- my favourite romance novel by far i read in 2020 was Heated Rivalry by Rachel Reid. look: i don’t much care for sports, and i care so little for hockey that i had to utilize my whitelist for the first time back when check please was still updating, in order to spare it from my impenetrable hockey blacklist. but this book. this book is simply the best enemies to lovers story i have ever read. ilya makes shane a tuna melt in this book and it’s the most romantic gesture one person has ever performed for another. i can’t recommend it highly enough. i’ve reread the end of it probably a dozen times this year.

- The Work of Art by Mimi Matthews is about a woman who marries a near-stranger in order to escape marriage to a nefarious duke obsessed with collecting beautiful things. Matthews is a scholar of Victorian history, and her books feel so exquisitely real. the romance between philly and arthur is also exquisite--she truly nails the yearning.

- Something Human by A.J. Demas is another enemies-to-lovers story (i have a type), about a not-Roman and a not-Celt who find love off the battlefield. Demas writes queer romance set in a fictional ancient mediterranean, and i can’t recommend her books highly enough.

- Briarley by Aster Glenn Gray is beauty-and-the-beast-with-a-twist (another fave type) about a beast who is fully a dragon (!!) and Belle’s father, a country parson, who refuses to let a stranger kidnap his daughter and allows himself to be kidnapped instead. set against the backdrop of WWII-era England, the whole thing is delicious. the beast needs someone to love him unconditionally, so the parson brings him a dog.

- Take a Hint, Dani Brown by Talia Hibbert. I read both this and Get a Life, Chloe Brown in 2020, and while i loved both, Dani really had my number. i just love it when romantic leads are...so stupid. they are so stupid, your honor.

- The Widow of Rose House by Diana Biller is about a woman who has a house she does not want, left by a husband she hated, and she decides to redecorate it and publish a book about the process. twist: the house is haunted. double twist: an absent-minded professor who is in love with her wants to prove that ghosts are real. this was biller’s first book, and i very excited to read more from her.

- Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall you’re probably heard about, but it does live up to the hype. a fake dating story about a disastrous c-list celebrity and a staid barrister. i LOVE a square, so naturally i was going to love this. i also read a bunch of other works by Hall this year. he does romances about people who are messed up and healing in such a beautiful way that it never feels like the romance is the CAUSE of the healing, it’s just incidental. it’s great, every time.

- The Countess Conspiracy by Courtney Milan. i read/reread all of Milan’s brothers sinister series this year, and it’s all good but this book was my fave. SUCH a good slow-burn between two people who have known one another without really knowing each other for a long time. i was cheering for violet and sebastian in a big way by the end.

- Slippery Creatures and The Sugared Game by K.J. Charles. these are books one and two of a trilogy which is still unfinished, but well worth reading. set in the 1920s, if the image of Bright Young Things roaming the English countryside in feral packs while two idiot men attempt to be secret agents doesn’t draw you in i don’t know what will.

- Paladin’s Grace by T. Kingfisher. kingfisher has a bunch of works in her specific fantasy historical universe, and they’re all so interesting. i read Swordheart set in this universe (about a man who’s a sword) last year, and this year read more. this book opens with the death of a god, but the book is not about that. that’s how t. kingfisher does, and it’s honestly so good. it’s about a paladin of that dead god, who is trying to get by and solve a series of murders while also dealing with his attraction to a perfumer who is suspected of being a poisoner. it’s a world of such heart and humor.

- Division Bells by Iona Datt Sharma. if you were ever into the extremely densely political draco/harry fics that reigned for a time, this novella is for you. it’s about a civil servant who has been at his job for probably too long, and a special consultant who still feels fresh and excited. they’re trying to pass a bill. if that doesn’t sound romantic, trust me: it is very romantic.

books with romance: (a lot of these are sequels, so good news! you get twofers)

- Stormsong by C.L. Polk. this is the sequel to Polk’s delightful Witchmark, which was her first novel, and the level-up from it to Stormsong in terms of complexity and world-building is stunning. i liked Witchmark, i LOVED Stormsong. this is a universe in which wizards control the weather, and only members of certain families can be wizards. Grace is trying to walk away from the toxic environment in which she was raised, help her queen prevent a war, and maybe also romance the reporter who sees in her her next big break. LOVE this series. still one more volume to come.

- Bellwether by Connie Willis. Willis writes slapstick sci-fi and simply nobody else is doing what she’s doing. Bellwether is about a scientist who tracks trends and is just trying to stay afloat at the lab where she works, which is determined that one of its scientists be the next winner of a prestigious award. there are a lot of sheep in this book. it’s very funny, if a little dated, with a sweet romance at the end.

- The Perilous Life of Jade Yao by Zen Cho. this novella follows Jade, a writer in 1920s London, who becomes involved with a writer whose latest work she panned. It’s a look at the reality of women’s lives at the time, but the appeal is in Jade’s stunningly funny voice.

- The Bookshop on the Corner by Jenny Colgan. this follows nina, a librarian who’s out of a job, who decides to open a bookshop on a bus and ends up in the scottish highlands. it’s about figuring out who you are when you’re removed from everything you’ve ever known, and books, and trains, and surly farmers.

- The Lost Future of Pepperharrow by Natasha Pulley. like stormsong, this is a sequel that improves on its predecessor in a way i didn’t realize i wanted or needed. Pulley’s The Watchmaker of Filigree Street is one of my favourite books, and the romance in it is wonderful, but Pepperharrow deepens it in such a way that Watchmaker barely feels like a courtship. Nathanial and Mori as fathers, the depth of the mystery and worldbuilding, the ROMANCE. it’s ::chef’s kiss::

- Drowned Country by Emily Tesh. a final sequel. Silver in the Wood is a Green Man story from the point of view of Tobias, the Green Man, well accustomed to his solitary life. Drowned Country is from the pov of Henry, who heroically took Tobias’ place as keeper of the wood and is well SICK of it. a getting-back-together story with vampires and fae.

- A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine. this was one of the best books i read this year, a sci-fi about culture and empire and linguistics and ancestral memory. it’s got a lovely slow-burn romance running throughout it. very satisfying, although i will be eager to read the sequel.

[letterboxd]

Exorcism.

Film-obsessive documentarian Alexandre O. Philippe tells Aaron Yap about watching The Exorcist for 30 days straight, mining William Friedkin’s personality for his absorbing new documentary, and the films that floor him.

“Sometimes you can be watching a romantic comedy but what you’re really craving is a film noir.” —Alexandre O. Philippe

William Friedkin loves to talk. A consummate storyteller off and on screen, the director is known for recounting wild tales of his storied life and career as the charismatic wunderkind who ascended to New Hollywood’s elite with 1971’s Oscar-showered cop procedural The French Connection. A couple of years later his reputation would grow two-fold, adapting a novel by William Peter Blatty called The Exorcist and unleashing what is still perhaps the most revered and discussed horror film of all time.

To this day, the film, which broke new ground for its grounded, rigorously methodical interrogation of demonic possession and faith-in-crisis, continues to terrify and haunt our imagination. But as Alexandre O. Philippe reveals in his Shudder documentary Leap of Faith: William Friedkin on The Exorcist, it’s in ways that are more intangible and unfathomable than we imagine.

From the William Friedkin papers of the Margaret Herrick Library, Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. / Photo courtesy William Friedkin

Throughout the intimate one-on-one session, it’s clear that the 85-year-old’s gift of gab has not diminished. As ChainsawMasacre writes on Letterboxd, “his mind and memory is still like a steel trap”. Philippe, a Swiss-born cinephile-centric doco filmmaker who’s covered everything from zombie movies to George Lucas, captures Friedkin’s contagious ranconteuring in all its prickly, contradictory, exuberant bluster. It’s so absorbing that from the moment he opens his mouth, you’ll be hooked in and suddenly an hour has vanished without you even realizing.

It’s true that considerable swathes of Leap of Faith may feel like old news to Friedkin/Exorcist obsessives—anyone who’s listened to the DVD audio commentary, read The Friedkin Connection, or watched Francesco Zippel’s Friedkin Uncut will be familiar with some of these stories. But Philippe’s incisive, thoughtful, highly accessible approach, excavating deeper than anecdotal interest but eschewing academic stuffiness, makes the documentary as much of value to newcomers as to seasoned fans. “The intersection of influences between music, film, fine art and personal travesty made me admire Friedkin on a whole new level”, writes Databaseanimal.

How many times have you seen The Exorcist, and on average how often would you need to rewatch a film in prep? Alexandre O. Philippe: You have to watch a film over and over and over again. I can’t tell you generally how many times I’ve watched The Exorcist but I can tell you when I was preparing for my interviews with Bill, I watched it every day for 30 days straight. That’s part of the process.

Leap of Faith is a bit of a departure from your previous two deep-dives—Memory: The Origins of Alien and 78/52: Hitchcock’s Shower Scene—in that you’re only talking to one interviewee, and that interviewee happens to be William Friedkin. What was that experience like? It’s wonderful. It’s really hard to put into words how incredible it’s been to spend that amount of time with him. Getting my own personal masterclass with him is invaluable. There’s no film school in the world that can give you that experience. It’s been really something.

Did spending that extended time reveal something about Friedkin that you weren’t aware of prior to shooting? Oh sure, that’s the beauty of that extensive of an interview—six days—and multiple conversations in between. Without giving it away, in the final sequence when he’s talking about Kyoto Zen Gardens… this is the stuff you can only get from someone like Friedkin once the comfort level is there, once you’re in the groove of conversation. It’s an aspect of his personality we’ve never seen before.

We all know him as a storyteller and a showman but he’s probably been very guarded in the past. There’s a certain amount of vulnerability even when he talks about the climax of The Exorcist, and how much to this day he’s not sure he understands some of the choices he made shooting that scene. That’s a remarkable thing to say about one of the most iconic scenes in the history of movies.

William Friedkin in ‘Leap of Faith: William Friedkin on The Exorcist’. / Photo by Robert Muratore, courtesy Exhibit A Pictures

I could listen to him speak for hours. Did you challenge him at any point? I definitely pushed him as far as I could. The whole sequence around the climax of The Exorcist that I was just talking about. There’s only about three minutes of that in the film but we talked about that scene for an hour and a half. I kept pushing and pushing him because I didn’t understand where he was coming from. I feel as a film fan that I understand that scene. For me, Father Karras sacrifices himself. It’s an act of complete selflessness. But he kept going back to the idea of suicide and that suicide in the Catholic Church is a sin and how he didn’t understand it. And that’s why you see him a little on edge during that scene. It was very important to go there.

I love the obsessive detail that goes into your examination of the creative process. Was there any detail—something that is interesting in and of itself—that you left out? We had a really great conversation around Carlos Kleiber, one of the conductors he admires the most, who essentially taught him to direct in metaphors. It’s a fascinating conversation. We actually built a scene around that and it just didn’t work with the film. There’s a point in any film where it becomes autonomous and its own entity in a way and you have to listen and pay attention to what the film tells you it wants to be.

We also had a great conversation around his first documentary The People vs. Paul Crump, and the technique which he used of slapping him in his cell on death row, which is the same technique he used for Bill O’Malley in The Exorcist. I had a long conversation with [executive producer] Karyn Kusama about this and we felt it was a little too over-the-top to go there and it wasn’t necessary to take the film to that level so we eventually left it out.

Friedkin talks about The Brink’s Job at one point, which is great to hear as it’s probably my favorite underrated Friedkin film. What’s yours? [Laughs] If you’re talking underrated or one that’s not much talked about, for me it’s Bug. Bug is ummm… [pauses]

What can you say about Bug? I mean honestly, truly, have you ever seen performances that pushed to the very edge of what’s even reasonable to expect or see from actors? It’s mind-blowing stuff. How does he even get performances like these? I mean they are wonderful actors but Michael Shannon and Ashley Judd, like, really… Like, really? You know what I mean? That’s Billy.

To me, you’re talking about Billy when he was in his early 70s when he made that film, a filmmaker who’s still really interested in pushing the envelope and going as far as he possibly can. It’s absolutely remarkable and I wish we talked more about that film.

Tell us about one ‘holy grail’ film or filmmaker you’d like to cover. The one I really want most to make a film about, and I will, is Vertigo. To go back to Hitchcock. I definitely have a healthy obsession with that film—have had since I was a kid. I love melodrama, and it’s the greatest melodrama ever made. I can’t think of a better film for my money from anywhere. It’s a glorious, glorious piece of filmmaking, but it’s also a very complex, tortured, complicated film that alienates some people.

I was on TCM a couple years ago as Ben Mankiewicz’s co-host on “50 Years of Alfred Hitchcock”. We did 24 movies together and when it came to Vertigo we had a fun conversation because he’s not a fan. He’s basically like “what’s the big deal about that film?” That really fascinates me. That’s a really amazing thing and he’s not the only person I highly respect who said that to me. I’d love to not only do a deep dive into Vertigo but also what’s so polarizing about it. That’d be fun to do that.

In Leap of Faith, Friedkin talks a lot about non-horror-specific aspects, such as grace notes, and the mysterious, magical aspects of filmmaking that can’t be easily explained. What movies are you drawn to but can’t explain completely through the technique and science of filmmaking? Any great work of art, not just film, that has a lasting impact on us and on society, works in ways that are much more mysterious than not. You can explain away the many different tangible reasons why Psycho, Alien and The Exorcist continue to have an impact, and had a massive impact on audiences when they came out. But for every tangible reason or every fact that you can provide, there are a million mysteries as well.

I’m much more interested in the mysteries of the creative process than I’m interested in the behind-the-scenes anecdotes or little tidbits of movie history. Because you will never get to the bottom of it and that’s the real beauty of it. And the lesson to learn from that is there’s nothing to do beyond just being in awe of it.

Documentarian Alexandre O. Philippe / Photo by Bas Bogaerts

What’s a documentary that uses the form in a way that’s inspiring to you, or one that made you want to pursue this form? I don’t watch a ton of documentaries. I don’t like the term ‘documentary’. With that asterisk out of the way, there are a number of documentaries I absolutely adore and filmmakers that are pushing the form that are remarkable. I think of Allan King, one of the great documentarians.

There is one that, formally speaking, absolutely blew me away and is very hard to watch. It’s called Caniba. It’s a documentary about this French-Japanese man who killed and ate one of his classmates. He did a whole comic book on it, and his brother is equally disturbed. It’s one of the few films, along with The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, where I had to literally stop halfway through ’cos I just couldn’t handle it. The remarkable thing about this film is that the entire film is extreme close-ups. You’re watching basically his face and his brother’s face in extreme close-up the entire film and it makes you absolutely nauseous.

The formal choice that was made, in committing to that, it’s so much more horrendous and horrible than what’s on the periphery of the frame. You’re trapped in the geography of that face and you can’t get out. I’m not sure if ‘exciting’ is the best word I can use here, but to say this kind of approach excites me when I see a documentary filmmaker doing this, is accurate.

How do you spell that? I’m going to put it on my watchlist. C-A-N-I-B-A. Good luck watching it my friend [laughs]. Don’t eat while you’re watching it.

What films have you caught during the pandemic and completely loved, old or new? I watch almost exclusively the Criterion Channel. They’re the gold standard. I don’t even know where to begin. Recently I just watched the three Joseph Losey/Harold Pinter collaborations: The Servant, Accident and The Go-Between. I’ve always been a huge fan of Harold Pinter but what Joseph Losey has done with those three films is astonishing. The Go-Between, especially. Wow. That film just floored me.

They had a whole sidebar on Western noir films, and I discovered a bunch of incredible titles like Station West and Blood on the Moon with Robert Mitchum, which is an absolutely magnificent film. Some of the early Douglas Sirk movies. I can watch that stuff all day.

Oh there’s another one I would like to recommend as it is a criminally not just underrated, but completely under-the-radar film: Sun Don’t Shine.

Kate Lyn Sheil’s performance is amazing in it. Oh my god. Why didn’t she run away with the Screen Actors Guild Award, Oscars, Golden Globes? Like seriously. Some of the recent nominations Meryl Streep has been getting, like give me a break. It’s not even close. It’s not even in the same ballpark [laughs]. It’s really one of those rare performances that I think about, like Isabelle Huppert in The Piano Teacher. Once in a generation you see something like this and you go “Holy cow, what a performance”. It does not exist on DVD or Blu-ray and it kills me. I want that film in my collection so badly.

Kate Lyn Sheil in Amy Seimetz’s ‘Sun Don’t Shine’ (2012).

Maybe this will be the thing that will get them to push it out on physical media. I’m trying, I’m working with them, and I’ve done some with them. I need to send them an email and say “Can you please do something about this?”.

What’s a film that you were cold on first viewing but has grown on you with repeat viewings? The first one that comes to mind is Donnie Darko. I really hated the film the first time around, and it’s weird because there was always this voice at the back of my head that kept saying “watch it again”. I did and it completely blew me away the second time around. Often I will give a film a second chance. Especially when I know the film is well-respected. There are films where you can intellectually understand why the film is respected, but you don’t connect with the film.

I’ll tell you one that I’m really looking forward to giving a second chance. Not because I hated it but it left me really underwhelmed. A film that everybody loves: Moonlight. I also do remember when I was watching it, actively thinking I was not in the right frame of mind for that film. Sometimes you just have to recognize that. Sometimes you can be watching a romantic comedy but what you’re really craving is a film noir. That’s really not going to work.

So we’ll see, we’ll talk about it after I’ve watched it a second time. And hopefully it will be a revelation. There’s nothing better for me than these moments when you watch something the second time that didn’t work and you go “Holy cow this is great”. That’s an awesome thing to experience.

Related content

The Films of Alexandre O. Philippe

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‘Leap of Faith: William Friedkin on The Exorcist’ is streaming now on Shudder.

[rubywithin]

Zen Flow Soul 18

(Kari) “Thank you very much” I bought a bunch of packs as I was determined to try and get the equip cards. Okay pack one....two shields more Soul Sharks...and a Soul Maiden which would work with Virgo but no equips. -Sigh- I was not getting much luck.....YES I got Soul Mane, that’s two equip cards that go with Leo and Regulus. I opened 2 more packs and finally got the third equip card called Soul Fang but I did not get a Supreme Monster. Well ugh guess I should try my luck another day, suddenly someone slid a card over to me....Soul Winged Leone. (Kari) “Thank you...” it was the guy who I met at the traffic lights yesterday. “Um I appreciate the card but can I ask why you are giving it to me?” I felt a bit nervous as the guy seemed tense. (Sayoi) “Honestly I don’t know....I hate most skilled Zen Flow players....but you seem different. You don’t share the same level of arrogance and I kind of respect that, maybe the game would be better with pro’s like you around”. (Kari) “Thank you very much, would you like to battle?” he shook his head.

(Sayoi) “Sorry but I can’t....like you I have a Soul deck but I let the judgement make me bitter. I don’t feel joy playing I simply want to defeat the top players of the game, the way they are put on a pedestal always bugged me”. I felt like one of his cards was trying to talk to him but he did not seem possessed like Kaze. (Kari) “Let’s battle one day anyway...if you would like to that is, I almost walked away from someone who use to pick on me when they were in trouble. But I felt the sudden urge to help them out so maybe one day you can get past your doubts too”. He suddenly smiled, (Sayoi) “Thank you for having faith in me my name is Sayoi by the way” (Kari) “Pleased to meet you my name is Kari”.

We both went our separate ways, thanks to him I finally have my own Supreme monster, now I just need to learn how to utilize them. I decided to message Megumi about it and she sounded excited, I can’t wait  to face her with my new cards. Honestly it was nice to take today off from battling as I have been having a lot of major battles lately. I decided to call it an early night as I could not wait to meet up with Megumi tomorrow, she was always my favourite to face as we always have friendly battles.

-Meanwhile during the night Sayoi was facing a hooded opponent- (???) “Soul Vampire Zura will steal your monsters attack....”. (Sayoi) “Soul Phantom Lizard negates that effect from the discard pile, next Soul Phantom Dragon let’s me add Lizards attack to a monster on the field. Then I play Battle Magnet which forces your monster to fight mine”. “Now its my turn and I attack you with three Soul Phantom Wyverns, you lose”. (???) “Incredible you are as strong as they say” (Sayoi) “Praise from a coward means nothing from me, your the one behind the fainting pro’s right?” (???) “Yup, my ace....no I need their energy to become stronger. You know I have a bit of influence at the Zen Flow Organisation Headquarters, I could help you fight the pro’s you want if you help me gather energy”. I remembered talking to Kari earlier....I don’t have to walk this path then the memories of my past came flooding back. (Sayoi) “I agree to this partnership but you have to promise me I get to face Kaze, he disgusts me more than any other Zen Flow pro. We shook hands Phantom Dragon was very happy you know what so am I, Kaze prepare yourself because I will crush your Soul Gale deck.

[yalldontevenknowaboutpokemon]

What is up my dudes. I’m back from the dead to tell you about brand-spanking-new Gen VIII Pokemon. Both of Galarian Darmanitan’s abilities are phenomenal and I wouldn’t be doing it justice if I didn’t talk about both.   Galarian Darmanitan

Ability: Gorilla Tactics ( Boosts the Pokémon's Attack stat but only allows the use of the first selected move) Nature: Jolly (+Spe, -Sp Atk) Item: Choice Scarf (Boosts Speed by 50% but locks the user into one move) Moves: Icicle Crash (Level up) Flare Blitz (TR) Earthquake (TR)  U-Turn (TM) EVs: 252 Atk, 252 Spe, 4 HP 

Galarian Darmanitan’s standard ability, Gorilla Tactics, works exactly like a free Choice Band. Since you’re already going to be locked into a single move there’s no reason to not double down with another Choice item. My preference is the Choice Scarf to round out Darmanitan’s stats and make sure it’s outspeeding as much as possible. A Choice Band absolutely works too if you want to just completely overkill anything you’re facing, but it’s 95 base Speed would probably appreciate the boost more.  

Zen Mode Galarian Darmanitan Ability: Zen Mode (When Hit Points get to 50% of maximum, the Pokémon changes form. The Pokémon reverts back to its standard form if it loses this ability or returns to over 50% of its Hit Points ) Nature: Jolly (+Spe, -Sp Atk) Item: Salac Berry (Boosts Speed by 50% when the holder reaches 25% HP) Moves: Ice Punch (Level up) Fire Punch (TR) Substitute (TR) Belly Drum (Level Up) EVs: 252 Atk, 252 Spe, 4 HP  This set is absolutely brutal, and normally it’d be the glassiest of glass cannons but it has a few tools at its disposal to help it stay on the field. This setup works best on a wall that will have trouble damaging Darmanitan. Lead with Substitute and if you make it the next round with your Substitute still up you’ll be able to use Belly Drum. This will do three things all at once. 1. Skyrocket your Attack to x4, per the move’s usual effect 2. Activate Zen Mode by dropping you below 50%  3. Drop your HP low enough to eat your Salac Berry and boost your Speed even higher At this point, you’re hanging on by a thread but INSANELY threatening to almost anything in the game. Earthquake can also be used in place of Fire Punch, but I enjoy the dual STAB a lot.  I’m honestly not sure which Ability I like more, they’re both amazing. I’ll have to do more testing with both to decide. I do worry that Zen Mode will be just a little too squishy with its 55 Defenses to take many hits at all, but it’ll be so fast that I’m not sure it has anything to worry about except for priority moves.  There’s a lot of new Pokemon I’m excited to talk about and I can’t wait to share my thoughts with all of you. It’s good to be back. My Messages are open as always if you want to drop me a question or request a Pokemon to cover!

[dbh-is-a-crime]

All Dbh Chapters

@kaydel your reply to my ask has inspired me to give my thoughts on each of the chapters.

Chapter 1: The Hostage

Is honestly a good first chapter, the tension and stakes are high, it pulls you in. There's a reason people who played the demo were hyped for the game. And regardless of what I think of Cage's writing, it's not the first time he's done a solid intro to a game. (Swiftly followed by garbage but I digress..)

We learn something about deviancy and how it starts, we get a sequence of dialogue based gameplay to set up how important it is to the story, and we get a taste of Connor’s somewhat underdeveloped investigation gameplay. 

I will admit that there are several lines I kind of like in this scene (’You can’t kill me, I’m not alive’ I’d like this even better if Bryan didn’t love it so much) And most of the outcomes are very cool! 

Chapter 2: Opening

Is not a chapter, it's the opening credits. It's not really interesting, but it's not as bad as Heavy Rain's, only because it's about half as long. Kara was robbed.

Chapter 3: Shades of Color

What a title am I right! And no, it's not just because of the paints. This chapter, title aside, isn't bad! We don't learn anything about Markus but it sets the world up nicely. It's one of the cooler open areas. It shows off the graphics nicely. 

And all of that is promptly ruined by the overly heavy-handed scene with the protesters. With the follow up of the back of the bus! Also the preacher guy is weird what was the point of that.

Chapter 4: A New Home

Easily one of the most (if not The Most) boring chapters in the game. Mundane QTEs? We all looooooove those! At the end of the chapter you get some exposition to a very nice composition (this game really would be nothing without the music) and that part is actually ok. But the mundane housework gameplay doesn’t get a pass, even if it is to give context for what the life of an android is like. Would be 100% better if there was 40% less housework.

Chapter 5: The Painter

A solid chapter! Learning about Markus through his interactions with Carl? An actual good narrative device? Unbelievable. At surface level their relationship is sweet and Carl is so supportive of Markus growing beyond his programming. Though there is a darker undertone that mirrors the caged android birds. And that it’s all a gilded cage. And I like both of those interpretations, they’re interesting. 

The music mini game is interesting the first time you do it but after that I’m never picking it again, chess it is from now on.

Chapter 6: Partners

Connor’s return after 5 chapters. I think that might be the longest break between appearances for any of them. Anyway this chapter is mostly fine. It sets up Hank and Connor’s troubled partnership and shows us what most of Connor’s gameplay is going to be. (Detective work and trying to reason with Hank) It would be interesting if there was an option to let Ortiz’ android go, seeing as there if a version of the scene where you don’t find him. But I guess it’s too early for Connor to be disobeying.

Chapter 7: Stormy Night

Classic David Cage has women being abused by men! Unfortunately this is one of Kara’s best chapters. The tension from the very first moment if real, and as soon as Alice runs up stairs, you just know what’s going to happen. Without fail, every person I’ve ever watched, immediately tries to follow her. Honestly? Solid way to make me care about the kid. 

I know some folks have problems with showing child abuse on screen, but my opinion is that they kept the worst of it as implied, like in the failed ending of the chapter, you don’t see it actually happen. So I’m personally okay with it, but I can understand why some may disagree.

10/10 for the chase/escape scene. It’s stressful as hell but honestly the music just makes it...like idk the moment Kara deviates? I nearly, literally screamed the first time. The build up to it is so good, and you as the player are determined to protect Alice and will fight through the programming to do it.

Chapter 8: Broken

Gonna be honest, Markus’ deviating scene falls a little flatter for me. I’ve watched several people play for the first time and actively not want to break programming and retaliate. Which makes the fact that its a scripted event you can’t avoid frustrating to them. I guess we just haven’t seen any anger from him yet so it doesn’t feel like the reaction you expect? (I get that it’s supposed to be him finally cracking, the story just...doesn’t convey that very well.)

Also the fact that you get punished for staying silent with Carl dying is shitty.

Chapter 9: The Interrogation 

Talk about fucking tense! This scene is a real challenge, in either difficulty. Unless you don’t care about the android self-destructing? 

I don’t have much else to say, it’s not a bad scene but there’s not a lot of substance to it. The ‘the day will come when we will no longer be slaves’ line is...the start of the truly terrible writing choices in this game.

Chapter 10: Fugitives

Not a bad scene. Getting to choose to steal a bunch of stuff is fun, and the fact that you can steal all this shit and then go and sleep in the car is pretty funny. I don’t like the house or Ralph, just because it’s another chance to put a female character at risk from a male character. 7/10 I’m never picking the house. (Also did you know you can fail to steal from that guy in the laundromat and he wakes up lmao)

Chapter 11: From The Dead

Ok this is going to be kind of a controversial opinion...but I’m tired of this scene. While it’s true that no scene in the game holds up on the 20th watch/play, this scene lost most of it’s shock value on the 3rd watch. Now that being said, the sound design in the scene is brilliant. And putting the audio processor back in does still give me chills, but the rest of the scene? I mean, I guess cannibalising other androids is a pretty powerful story action. But the fact that you can take all of the things you need from dead androids if you search hard enough kind of ruins that for me. 

Also idk why but everyone collectively thinks that Markus screams when he reaches the top of the slope and I have no idea why.

Chapter 12: Waiting For Hank

Boooooooring. Ok, getting beat up by Gavin after refusing to make him coffee is mildly interesting. But the fact that Hank just hates you in the scene is honestly quite tiring. Like, his opinion of Connor will inevitably go down at least once, you can’t avoid that. Also there’s nothing to explore in the office so...

Chapter 13: On The Run

Both versions of this scene are very tense. And not in...a super fun way. Like ok, Kara has that empowering woman moment where she cuts her hair, great, but the rest of the scene isn’t that good. (And the version with Ralph is downright disturbing.) 

Chapter 14: Jericho

Oh god let’s players cannot do this part. And the amount of time I’ve spent watching people run around clueless because they weren’t paying even the slightest attention or follow the obvious path, makes me hate this chapter. I also hate it because the gameplay isn’t very interesting. Markus’ precog is mildly interesting, but that’s really it. (The end of this chapter has some pretty stunning visuals tho)

Chapter 15: The Nest

Ok, the opening conversation with Hank is cute if Connor is trying to be nice. Though the actual chase is pretty tense. The music is on point as always, because the composers for this game were very overqualified for the job. Also the fact that you get punished for not saving Hank both amuses and vexes me. You don’t catch the guy because you were a shitty partner. But what was the point of taking the risk with Hank if there’s no reward? (Yes I know he still ends up in evidence lock up but that’s hardly reward enough for risking your partner’s life)

I mean okay the pigeons flying through the roof is pretty funny, but the investigation in the apartment isn’t all that interesting. Also I’ve just realised I haven’t mentioned the Zen Garden once but honestly most of the scenes there aren’t that interesting anyway.

Chapter 16: Time To Decide

Wow where do I start on how uninteresting this chapter is. You learn very little about Markus’ companions, you get to have a conversation with a magical minority, and you get a line about an android being dragged behind the back of a car. (After reading the wiki about James Byrd I feel genuinely sick and could not be more disgusted that this was used so clumsily in the game.)

Chapter 17: Zlatko

His name sounds like a brand. Also this is my least favourite Kara chapter. They go to his place for almost no reason (just so they can get caught) and we get a 20 minute scene of Zlatko being a cartoonish monster of a man. Also this has been pointed out and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Why is Kara scared of Luther when she sees him? Like...??? Anyway re-finding her memories is boring, finding Alice is also boring, and hiding from Zlatko is just stressful. Nothing interesting to the story happens here, except that Luther joins Kara and Alice.

Chapter 18: Russian Roulette 

Perhaps the shortest chapter in the game. It’s not like...super boring, but it’s not interesting either. Also don’t forget to notice the picture on the table or you’ll have no chance of getting the good ending later! Seriously, they should have made it a requirement for the scene to move on if it’s going to be that important.

Chapter 19: Spare Parts

The whole freerunning thing at the start is lame. And the fact that you have to grab the android and then release him to get the best outcome is confusing as hell. (I have seen many folks fuck this up.) The part where you sneak around in the guard house is actually kind of cool. Also North go down if you’re nice to people....I love this game.

Chapter 20: The Eden Club

Pity the lesbian sexworker androids!!! In all seriousness though this is a chapter I do not like. The endings are unfulfilling, the whole storyline is gross, poorly written and very Cage-esque. (Also why would you make the two android lovers the same model?! Just make one of them one of the other 8 female WR800 models you have!) I mean I guess I can say that the glowly design of the sexclub is nice or whatever.

Chapter 21: Pirate’s Cove

Ok this is a personal one but I don’t like this chapter. Something about the family dynamic between the three falls flat for me and so the whole scene being about them makes it...ehh. Also Kara under threat again! Woohoo! The scene on the carousel is kind of cute and the scene composition is nice, but the fact that all the Jerrys are standing around watching is a little weird. Also bait us with rA9 crap why don’t you! we’ll just never learn anything about this i guess

Chapter 22: The Bridge

I like this chapter to be honest. I know Pirate’s Cove is meant to be relaxed but I find this chapter more relaxing. Even if it ends with a gun to Connor’s head. I mean it’s not that hard to not get shot really. And seeing Hank start to care and question their mission is interesting. I don’t know, I guess I just like the visuals of the snow and the bridge. (Anyone notices that it goes from raining to snowing like three days later, wtf)

Chapter 23: The Stratford Tower

Now this one is complicated. Because I like the breaking in and getting up to the broadcast department part, I even like the pre-speech tension. Markus carrying the weight of history and knowing his words will shape what people across the world think of androids. 

The music as he gets ready to start the speech is....just so good. But then he starts talking and.....mmmmm press x for civil right yes please! Press square to end slavery? Absolutely! God...the writing in this scene is Bad. Which is a shame! Because it squanders the carefully crafted tension built up until this point. I like the energy going into this scene, the idea that they’re about to take a stand, make history. But it is unfortunately ruined for the sake of a poorly executed racism allegory.

Chapter 24: Public Enemy

Ok, going to investigate the crime scene of what you just did as Markus is pretty good. Its not an original idea, that was the opening sequence for Indigo Prophecy, but it still works I’m not going to lie. Also the cop from the Hostage showing up to thank you if you saved him is cute. The fact that Hank is starting to question Connor and look for signs of deviancy in him is also nice! Also I hate it but going after Simon gives you a more cohesive storyline if you’re going for a deviant Connor route. (Can I get an F for Simon? He can die so many different ways)

Chapter 25: Midnight Train

Can’t believe that the chapter about the underground railroad is literally called Midnight Train. Yeah the dialogue in this? Shocking, terrible, absolutely unforgivable. Rose I am so sorry this happened to you. Also a cop arrives to....put Kara in peril at the hands of a male character again! Can’t go a chapter without that!

Chapter 26: Capitol Park

Hmmmmmmmmm. ‘We have a dream’? ‘I can’t breathe, but I’m still alive’? Hi, yes, hello? David Cage is doing it again, yeah he’s co-opting black history for his story about androids, somebody needs to stop him. Why did no one stop him.  

Ok, most of this chapter other than that is ok. It’s not particularly good, but it’s ok. (wiLL yOu bE gOoD oR eViL?!?!1)

Chapter 27: Meet Kamski

Ok this man is so creepy and emotionally manipulative and as a narrative tool I’ve actually come to love it. Like the tone of this chapter is such a breath of fresh air. Maybe it’s just the fact that they added a new character after such a long time and that he knows more than he ever lets on. rA9 baited again...

Also this is Connor’s turning point in a way. You can still choose to change your path later on, but this is the real moment of truth where a character pushes him to reveal where he’s at. (Also the fucking MUSIC)

Chapter 28: Freedom March

Oh no. I’m so sorry Markus you deserve better. I hate this chapter if you can’t tell. The combo of the black history slogans and the jesus music is too much for me. Also the good ending is locked behind Simon being alive/Spare Parts success route??? Also F for that random android who’s name is John that we hear about twice.

Chapter 29: Last Chance, Connor

I usually keep a low profile with Gavin so I miss out on the beatdown unfortunately. But having the option is hilarious. If you don’t sacrifice at the march, Simon is alive, interrogation bad end, Rupert and the Tracis escape....can you even find Jericho?

Just a thought, anyway this is short but tense chapter. Don’t hate it.

Chapter 30: Crossroads

Kara’s part of this is dumb as hell. The Alice twist literally destroys the storyline but anyway...

Markus has very little to do until the end. His version is ok, but Jesse’s line delivery leaves something to be desired. (You’re one of us....)

Connor’s is easily the most interesting of the three concurrent stories at this point. Going in to capture Markus/North, chasing them through the hold if ur a machine..very good. 

And....going deviant. Okay yes that still gets me, I did actually shout YES!! out loud the first time I witnessed it. The music’s slow build in the scene, and most of the dialogue (if you choose carefully) swells to this point and...and..it happens!! 

Like idk I’ve only been slowly building up to this for 9 hours, sue me.

Chapter 31: Night Of The Soul

I like this chapter! Or Markus’ version anyway. Connor’s...well the Hank version is just sad. The Jericho version is fine.

But Markus? Visiting Carl’s grave or the man himself is such an emotional moment for the character. And the single humanising moment he’s had in several chapters. The conversation is so weighted with his doubts and fears and Jesse Williams gives a beautiful performance! (Also as I’ve said, the alarm system saying ‘welcome home markus’ kills me on impact)

Chapter 32: Battle For Detroit

Is a good chapter. What, did you expect me to say it isn’t? Cause it is. Or some versions of it are.

The tension in all three characters stories, regardless of which version, is perfectly hit at this point.

Kara’s....ah fuck idk I mean the border version is ok? The others....kind of suck? The guy letting them through with high public opinion and Markus doing a peaceful demonstration is kind of cute and sort of makes sense in a way.

Markus’ versions (both in which he is alive) are pretty cool. The revolution is hard, and I do like that it ends with him saying that they haven’t won, they’ve only started a war. The demonstration is kind of dumb, and I actually prefer them getting shot and then the news anchors suggesting that maybe androids are people in their own right that humans refused to acknowledge. (Feels more real, ya know?) Also black folk song!! Why??

Gonna be real, most of Connor’s versions of this scene are pretty good. Cyberlife tower is tense as hell but he’s a fucking badass. Machine Connor on the roof gives us the best line in the game. ‘What’s up lieutenant, ran out of whiskey so you came here looking for trouble?’  

So that’s some of my thoughts on each of the chapters of dbh, I could go into more depth but my eyes hurt and I’ll probably hit post limit soon.

[thiswasinevitableid]

I would love for you to do the sharing favours professionally from the rivalry/ friends to enemies to lovers for the prompt fill for indruck? (I'm on mobile so can't copy the whole prompt) 😁

“ we’ve been begrudgingly sharing favours back and forth to help each other out professionally but this time i need you to do something more personal and you know you wouldn’t have gotten that account without my help last month or that promotion so you owe me.”

Content note: There’s a brief description of Indrid’s ex being verbally shitty to him.

“No, nuh uh, aboslutely no fuckin way.” Duck maneuvers the last butterfly bush into its display row, stands up to find Indrid glaring at him.

“Why not?”

“Indrid, we see plenty of each other at work. I’m not gettin roped into some evenin shindig with you just because you asked.”

He heads inside, the skinny, pale-haired man on his heels.

“Duck, please, I help you out all the time.”

“Yeah, with work. And it’s only now and then.” He settles behind the counter, checking off the deliveries that have already happened. Indrid stays on the other side of it.

“Oh, really?” he arches a dark eyebrow (of course the guy dyes his hair), “what about the time I made sure city hall chose us for the five year landscaping contract even when you were the one who was supposed to be working on winning them over?”

“That how we’re playin?” Duck leans on his elbows, staring Indrid down, “because I seem to recall it was me who helped convince Mama that havin a little florists space so you could do your arrangements was a swell idea.”

Indrid opens his mouth to retort when the phone rings.

Duck grabs it, “Mama’s Nursery and Landscapin, Duck speakin. Oh, howdy Winthrop. Yep, expectin the last orders this week, then we’ll get started on that zen garden. Uh huh. I see. We’ll see what we can do. You have a nice day now.”

He clicks the phone off, “I hate the rich bastard, but he wants us to do the landscapin on their summer home, which’ll be a nice chunk of change.”

“See! There’s another one you owe me. You have such a hard time being in the room with him, the only reason we got the hospital garden job is because I turned on the charm.”

“Is that what you call it when you get that weird smile on your face?”

Indrid groans in frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose. When his hand drops away he looks...defeated. 

He and Duck may bicker, may compete from time to time, but Indrid’s a good guy. Hell, Duck will even admit (begrudgingly) that he often enjoys how much the two of them work together. 

Duck sighs, forces his brain to switch from arguing mode to problem solving mode, “Indrid, what’s all this about?”

“I told you, I have an art showing.”

“Right, but why do you need me to go. Why do you need anyone, ain’t your job at those to make small talk and hope people say nice things about your drawins?”

Indrid swallows, picks at the front of his work apron, “He’s going to be there.” He says meekly. 

“He-oh fuck, you mean The Shithead?”

Indrid nods.

“He tryin to pull some stunt to make you take him back?”

Indrid laughs bitterly, “no, he’s been all over his social media bragging about how he’s going to turn up with a hot date to my show,  “show me what I gave up” and all that. Dani saw it and warned me so he couldn’t take me by surprise. I have so few friends in town, and everyone but you has work or something else that night. I thought it would be nice to have someone I knew with me.”

Duck thinks about Indrid’s ex. The guy’d come into the shop plenty of times, often making a big show of putting a possessive arm around Indrid (who never seemed to enjoy the gesture). At least, that’s what he always did when Duck was around. Worse, whenever Indrid was describing a new landscaping design, or working on an arrangement, the ex would pick at it, say how it was bad or lacking, that it would never work and no one would like it. And Duck would watch the glimmer dim in Indrids’ eyes, watch him go quiet (find him more than once sniffling and wiping his eyes furiously in an outbuilding once the guy left).

He looks back at the other man, who is staring at his scuffed converse. 

“Where am I meetin you and what time should I get there?”

--------------------------------------

Duck gives a tight smile to the group of hip twentysomethings crowding the door of the building as he squeezes through. It’s some art space/ coffee house/ bar that isn’t quite his scene, although he likes that it’s warm and lively as opposed to the fluorescent lights and weird silence he was expecting. 

He doesn’t spot Indrid right away, and so takes a moment to look at the drawings on the wall. They’re Indrid’s alright, he can recognize the ways they overlap with the sketches he does for arrangements or the plans he draws up for gardens. And they’re incredible, black and white with pops of color, a few abstract or dreamlike but many seeming more like still lifes. 

One in particular catches his eye and he stares at for a good two minutes, trying to figure out why it looks so familiar. 

“Ahem.” 

He turns, and has to forcibly stop his jaw from dropping.

Indrid is in dark slacks and some sort flowy black shall-jacket thing over a bright red shirt. His hair is tousled on purpose, rather than from getting it caught on plants.  

Has he always looked this good?

“Thanks for coming.” He says awkwardly, extending one of the two glasses he’s holding to Duck. 

“This all looks amazin.” Duck says, taking the drink with a smile. Indrid relaxes at that.

“Oh, I’m, uh, glad you like it.”

“What’s this one of?” Duck points to the drawing he’d been staring at.

“It’s of a really lovely, big cork oak up on one of the eastwoods trails. I like to go there on weekends and sketch.”

“Hold up, that the trail that ends at the little lake?”

“Yes.”

“No fuckin way! I hike that nearly every weekend. Amazed I’ve never seen you.”

“I’m usually off the trail a little ways.” He grins sheepishly when Duck looks aghast at this confession, “I know that’s not allowed but I’m able to get such different perspectives on the things I draw.”

“If, uh, if you wanted to, maybe we could go up together some time. Could leave you to do your drawin while I hiked and then, dunno, maybe get lunch of somethin?” 

Indrid looks a little surprised at the suggestion, but recovers quickly, “That sounds quite nice, actually.”

Duck stays by Indrid as he makes the rounds, asking him about the different drawings and enjoying the way he animatedly describes the process and idea behind each. 

The Shithead arrives about forty-five minutes in. Duck spots him first, complete with a date on his arm. The date is tall, slender, with pale hair, looking like Indrid if he were a model rather than just a regular guy. Or, Duck thinks as he watches the ex preen, as if someone took Indrid and erased all the things that made him so interesting to look at.

“Ex just got here.” He murmurs, and Indrid stiffens beside him. Duck, seized with a sudden need to protect him from that jerk, places an arm reassuringly on his lower back. Indrid glances at him, face unreadable, but relaxes into the touch. For the next fifteen minutes, whenever The Shithead makes a loud, derisive comment, Duck will squeeze Indrids hand or brush his fingers down his back and Indrid will shake off the words. 

There are several people wanting to buy drawings and so Indrid excuses himself to go thank them.

“Knew you’d be the one to pick up the scraps.” Says a familiar, unpleasant voice.

Duck turns, levels The Shithead with his most disinterested gaze. 

“Nice to see you too. And I ain’t got the slightest clue what you’re referrin to.”

“He was always talking about you. ‘Oh, Duck knows so much about native plants,’ ‘oh, Duck has such good ideas.’” He says it in a mocking, high pitched imitation of Indrids lilt and Duck wonders if he can get away with physically throwing him out of the building. 

“Anyway, it doesn’t surprise me that when I traded up, he went crawling to you. Honestly, you can do much better.”

“Beg pardon?” Duck growls.

“Let me see, how to put this in terms you understand? Why waste your time on a weed when you could have a prizewinning rose?”

“Because,” Duck says through gritted teeth, “sometimes people call things weeds just cause they don’t behave exactly how they want ‘em too, or because they don’t see the value in ‘em.” He steps closer to the ex, not noticing that he’s stopped whispering, “You fucked up. You were shitty and Indrid had the good sense to dump you and now you’re doin some petty shit to try and hurt him. He’s amazin at what he does, he works hard, he’s funny, and he’s so handsome I wanna look at him every damn day. You didn’t see the value in him. That’s your loss. Now fuck. Off.”

The Shithead is about to say something when a hand grabs his shoulder. His date is behind him, looking pissed.

“Hold on, you asked me out to try and hurt your ex?”

“Uhhh, babe, no, I can explain.”

Duck smirks, turns to check on Indrid just in time to see him slip out a side door.

“Goddammit.” He mutters, quickly following him. 

The door opens into an alley, and Indrid is standing with his back to him. When he turns, his hands are over his mouth and his eyes are wet. But he doesn’t look unhappy.

“You like me.” He whispers. 

“Uh” Duck scrambles, “well, yeah, we’re, uh, friendly types, fuck.”

“You think I’m handsome.”

“Shit, you heard all of that?”

Indrid nods, Duck sighs.

“Fuck it. Yeah, I think you’re handsome. And all the other stuff. And lots of, uh, other stuff that I didn’t say but could’ve.

Indrid steps closer, “Is the part where you admit all our arguing has been the only safe outlet for your, um, passion for me?”

Duck snorts, “Hell no, sometimes you need a fella who’ll tell when an idea ain’t feasible. But…” He meets Indrids hopeful gaze and smiles, “I’d be lyin if I said I ain’t thought about what it’d be like to be a different kind of partner to you.”

Indrid reaches for him, and Duck goes willingly into his arms as the taller man blushes and says, “Yes, I’ve thought about that quite a lot as well.”

------------------------------------------

 Dani’s glad Indrids’ show is open so late. It means she and Aubrey can go once Aubreys’ act is over. She even texted Jake and Hollis, asking if they wanted to check it out too (also, if Indrid’s ex was there, having someone who looked like, and basically was, the head of a motorcycle gang would come in really handy).

When the four of them reach the bar, she peeks in hoping to see Indrid, but can’t spot the taller man (or Duck) anywhere.

“Huh, maybe he left?”

“Or maybe he’s taking a little ‘break.’” Hollis makes airquotes before pointing up. They all look towards the balcony, which clearly isn’t in use for the party. 

It is, however, in use for the two figures currently occupying it for a long and intense looking kiss. One is wearing red glasses, the other lets out a laugh that unmistakably belongs to Duck Newton. 

“We should give them some privacy.” Aubrey says. The other three look at her, and then she grins.

“Just kidding! WOOOOOO GET IT DUCK!”

“ABOUT FUCKING TIME DUDES.”

“GET A ROOM!”

“I’M SORRY ABOUT THEM BUT GOOD FOR YOU!”

----------------------------------

The sound of his friends catcalling them breaks Ducks concentration for all of two seconds. Then he flips them the bird, and goes back to the very important business of making out with his boyfriend. 

[learntolxve]

healing

its been awhile but the time just feels right to blog. Don’t get me wrong, I love my journal and all, but I just wanted to share some thoughts and feelings abit more publicly, without it actually being super public. Plus, I feel like its been so long since I’ve typed out something. It feels nostalgic typing this out on here to be honest. I do love me some nostalgia though, i’m very sentimental. Anyways, I could ramble and ramble and ramble but this is what I really want to say: The past 5 years of my life has been such a ride, but i’ve been spent so much time feeling lost, that when i look back, it feels so amazing to have the chance to rebuild myself and my foundation. I’ve been on a path of spiritual healing, along with physical healing, and I can hardly even comprehend the amount of growth i’ve made, and most of the growth seemed to all happen within the past year lol. It really really truly feels like everything really does happen for a reason, which i’ve always believed duh, but it’s like i’m actually experiencing the truth of that statement. When I was about 17 years old, I started learning about spirit science, and the Chakras. I spent awhile watching those little youtube videos, not actually implementing anything, just was super inspired by the concept and knew that it was something i believed in. Now I’m 23 years old, I’ve experienced Reiki, I meditate everyday (mostly lol), i have my own alter, my own “zen room” in my new home with the love of my life, who i’ve been through hell and back with, but we ascended together rather than focused on our independent growth, I have crystals, i have my tarot deck, i go through waves, but im definitely starting to feel that strengthened connection with my intuition and the Universe (I have a Pisces sun and moon so there’s maaaaaad emotion and intuition going on at all times) I just tend to engage with alot of my thoughts rather than observe, which causes confusion between negative thoughts and intuitive feelings. I went from wanting to end my life, crying to my grandparents for help, cheating on my boyfriend, acting in a self-sabotaging, self-destructing way, to showing up for myself and changing my path and breaking that shitty cycle. Yeah I still have my rough days, where I question my growth and the steps I’ve made and I still feel super lost most of the time lmao, but growth is NOT linear, it’s a spiral. SO of course I’ll have days where I feel like i’m resorting back to old ways, but I will also have days where I’m at my highest self and I feel so divinely connected and like i was meant to go through every single thing i have gone through. Growth is inevitable and growth is apart of this human life. Who knows where I’ll be in my next life, so why not enjoy this FULL human experience? The good, the bad, the crazy, the ugly, the magical, the beautiful, the wonders that the Universe brings. I looked at a post from this account from when I was 18 years old and it said how much I wanted to die and couldn’t get out of bed. Now, even on my bad days, I’m still so excited to get up and sit at my alter with yumyum coffee. Theeeeen i get a little anxious about the rest of the day cause I’m not really working right now. It’s like i’ve done so much inner work to the point where i dont want anything that will make me unhappy or waste my energy, but im also so overwhelmed with ideas of what i could do with my life, i just dont quite know where to go from here. BUT thats okay, because I know that I’m here for a reason and have felt this feeling many times before, except this time, ive made HUGE steps from the last time i felt this. I confessed everything ive done in my relationship, same with him, we are working on healing together with integrity, I recognize my anxiety and it’s triggers and am working on healthy outlits, I still smoke a ton of weed lmao, but I’m eating better everyday and prioritizing my health, I am showing up in my truths and setting boundaries for myself. I’m being more open and honest, and expressing myself in a healthier way. And honestly I could go on for hours about little things ive done to break my cycle, and i could also go on about the things that trigger me TO cycle again, but no matter what, you are always connected to everyone and everything. The more positive you put out, the more positive will flow in. After everything I’ve been through, I am a deep deep believer of Karma, and since i’ve been putting out better vibes, not sneaky negative ones, i’ve noticed a huge change in the things and people that flow into my life. To be honest, ive actually been super super unsocial and distant from alot of my friends and family, but I know that the ones that understand and love me, will know I am doing this for me, and when I am ready to be interactive with people, i will be. I will still have my rough days, things have actually been more emotional lately cause the more inner work I do, the more things tend to resurface, even moments or feelings I had completely forgetten about. New levels, new devils, am i right? I am just so grateful to finally be at a point where I understand that healing is the hardest part of growth, and that you really can’t have the good, without the bad.

The tallest tree grows to heaven, as it’s roots grow down to hell.

Life is balance.

[sugarcontent322-blog]

Reminiscence — A Trip to Remember

This article was first published on Medium.

It’s been a few months since my solo trip to Japan, and I still remember vividly every single moment with precise detail. I mean, how could I not? It was the most memorable trip that I ever had, not to mention, my very first solo trip. Remembering every moment brings joy and excitement to my heart, which gave me the motivation and drive to write this journal.

I wasn’t planning to travel alone in the first place, to be honest. The thought of solo travelling never did cross my mind whenever I planned an overseas trip. Part of the reason was because I felt it would be too boring without friends, without having someone to talk to. But, circumstances *psst— leave approvals* prevented me from joining my friends’ itinerary. And thus I was left with the option of planning a solo trip.

Planning an itinerary alone proved to be very enjoyable, as I realized. Researching on places to visit, planning the route and mode of transport, day-to-day schedules, it gives you a sneak preview of what kind of adventure awaits. Not to mention, I can go wherever I want to go, as my mind pleases. That’s sort of a main perk of solo travelling I guess, flexibility in plans. Few days before my flight, I switched a day in Osaka with a trip to Hiroshima, just because I suddenly had the urge to explore. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

My trip lasted for 10 days, travelling through Tokyo, Kyoto, Osaka and Hiroshima. Looking back at my itinerary, I wondered how I was able to follow through such a spartan schedule. Everyday was a visit to a new area, and I never did spend much of my time in the city, only at night when I’m done for the day.

Waking up at 7.30am every morning (why can’t I have the same motivation for work!), I planned to start my day early so I could maximize my time spent at places I was visiting. Having bought the painfully expensive JR Pass, I had unlimited rides on JR lines and also the shinkansen, so I was determined to capitalize on it as much as possible. Booking my shinkansen ride at 8/9 plus, I was always rushing to the station without having breakfast. Hunger wasn’t a concern to me, but missing my ride was. And yes, I have missed x number of trains throughout this trip, and 1 particular shinkansen which got me panicking for the first time on the trip.

Kamakura

Throughout my stay in Tokyo, I visited Kamakura, Nikko and Hakone. Approximately 1 hour away from the capital city, each of these places have their own iconic landmarks. My first destination was Kamakura, a suburb filled with Buddhist Zen temples and shrines. Walking on the streets of Kamakura felt different from walking in Tokyo, there was no no urge to walk briskly, no rush. Everyone around me was strolling casually along Hachiman-gu street, occasionally stopping halfway to indulge on the variety of souvenirs, sweets and snacks that the roadside shops had to offer.

I was absorbed into the 'slow-paced life’ of Kamakura, and took time to appreciate the traditional architecture of the shops, before reaching Tsurugaoka Hachiman-gu at the end of the street. At the entrance of the temple, I chanced upon a pair of Japanese newlyweds decked in Japanese wedding kimonos, having a photoshoot with a group of people who seemed to be like their families and relatives. The tourist spirit inside me sprung into life, as I whipped out my phone to take a couple of photos and an instastory. Mind you, I wasn’t alone in doing this.

Venturing into the temple, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw yet another pair of Japanese newlyweds! This time, the pair were in the middle of a ceremony, exchanging vows as per tradition, I guessed. Then again, Kamakura is a place famed with its shrines, so its no surprise that newlyweds would hold their wedding ceremony here. But still, to chance upon two wedding couples on the same day, I think I was very fortunate and lucky. On towards Hase, which is 3 Enoden (the local railway in Kamakura) stops away from Kamakura station, I went to visit the famous bronze Great Buddha Daibutsu.

The Great Buddha statue, Daibutsu

A majestic, magnificent statue. I stood still for a few minutes, just staring intently in awe at the great figure in front of me. The interior was open to visitors for a small fee, and there were details of the weight, the height of each part of the statue. I took a few photos, paid my respects to the Daibutsu, and headed back to Tokyo for dinner.

I met up with my Japanese friend in Kanda, he brought me to an Izakaya his friend owned. While we were having dinner halfway, there were a huge group of people in colourful traditional costumes, parading and cheering down the streets of Kanda, carrying a lavishly decorated palanquin. My friend explained that there was a festival happening— the Kanda Matsuri. Another lucky coincidence!

Although this was supposed to be a solo trip, I did meet up with some groups of friends for dinner sometimes. Honestly, I was really lucky to have company for some parts of my journey, given my talkative nature, so shout-out to those people (you know who you are ☺).

Nikko

The next day was a long, long journey into Nikko, taking the Tohoku shinkansen to Utsunomiya station, the local Nikko line towards Nikko station. I used the 2 hour travelling time to review my plans for the day — head to Ryuzu Falls, which is the start of the nature trail, towards Senjougahara Marshlands, Yudaki Waterfall, and finally Yumoto Onsen. Never would I have thought that I’ll willingly go on a nature trail myself, but hey there’s a first for everything I guess.

Ryuzu-no-taki, Ryuzu Waterfall

Alighting at the Ryuzu-no-Taki bus stop, I stared at the limitless flight of stairs in front of me. Did I mess up, I wondered? I didn’t know these stairs existed when I was researching the area! Well, that was the start of my “spartan” trail, as I dubbed it. When I reached the top, I realized that the flight of stairs was not even part of the nature trail! If I alighted one stop after, I would have skipped the stairs altogether. Oh well, lesson learnt and I continued (started) forward nevertheless.

A warning sign at the entrance of the trail — beware of bears!

Unfortunately (or fortunately), there were no signs of wildlife to be seen throughout the trail, only birds which I was unable to identify. The journey to Senjougahara marshlands was a brief one; took roughly half an hour to reach. I was greeted by the majestic view of the marshlands — its hard to believe that such a breathtaking landscape was 1400 meters above sea level! The rustling of leaves in the wind, the serenity it exudes, made the whole hiking trip worthwhile.

Fast forward to the journey back to Tokyo city, I was racing for time to catch my shinkansen to Shin-Osaka at 8.33pm, because my accommodation for the night was there. Unfortunately, I was 6 minutes late (Yes, I vividly remember) and my shinkansen had left without me. I went to inquire at the ticketing counter in Tokyo station whether there were any Osaka-bound trains left, and the earliest ride was next morning. Then the sudden realization hit me. I was left stranded in Tokyo, without any accommodation.

Hungry and angry — “hangry”, I was walking around Tokyo station aimlessly. The cons of solo travelling started to surface: I felt lost, I didn’t know what to do, nobody was around to tell me what to do, there was nobody for me to discuss with. Cold sweat, goosebumps — you name it, I felt it. Firstly I had to find a way to calm myself down. I went into a Family Mart, dragging my luggage along, bought a bottle of Mitsuya Cider (good stuff, highly recommend), and took a huge gulp.

Now that I have calmed down, it’s time to make a Plan B. I whipped out my phone, opened the Agoda app and searched for the nearest capsule hotel with a vacancy. Fortunately, capsule hotels are aplenty in Tokyo, and I had no issues finding one with a vacancy — in Kanda, just a street away from the Izakaya I had dinner at the day before. After settling down in my new accommodation and grabbing dinner at a nearby eatery, I crashed into my bed. It was a long roller-coaster ride of a day, and it was about to get even more exhausting, because I would be starting the next day with a 6.26am shinkansen to Osaka!

Miyajima, Hiroshima

For my first time stepping outside of the Kanto region, I was excited to explore more places that I could only see through the Internet. The first place I visited was Miyajima, an island off the coast of Hiroshima, western Honshu. Though Miyajima was totally out of the way for my plans, I just went with it because hey, with the power of my JR pass I can go anywhere! It was really easy to get to Miyajima also, connected by local trains from Hiroshima, since it’s a popular tourist destination that hosts the World Heritage Site: Itsukushima Shrine.

On board the JR ferry, I could clearly spot the iconic “floating” torii gate over the distance. Its tall orange pillars stuck out like a sore thumb amidst the green and turquoise landscape of Miyajima.

Spotting the torii gate over the distance

When I disembarked from the ferry, I couldn’t believe what I saw — there were deers all around! There was no mention of deers roaming around the populated areas of Miyajima when I was doing my itinerary planning, or so I believed. But, unlike their counterparts in Nara, the deers in Miyajima are not really as tame and friendly. They don’t bow unfortunately, I tried in embarrassment. There were warning billboards that advise tourists not to feed the deers as they are considered wild animals. Nevertheless, I did spot some deers approaching tourists for snacks, though in a slightly aggressive manner.

Stare-down with a deer outside the Miyajima pier

Before heading into Itsukushima shrine, I took a little detour to take a look at the floating torii gate. Luckily for me, it was low tide and sightseers were able to walk down the coastline and get a close-up with the majestic torii gate. I stood in front of the torii gate, staring intensely at its pillars. To think that this structure remained unscathed and survived the destruction brought by the atomic bomb in World War 2, it truly is a miracle indeed. The bottom part of the pillars were eroded though, because of the waves. Tourists took this opportunity to grab a selfie/group photo with the torii gate, including me.

Up and close with the famed ‘untiltable’ torii gate

After visiting the torii gate and Itsukushima shrine, I headed out for my main objective of the day: reaching the summit of Mt Misen, the highest mountain in Miyajima. Of course, I wasn’t going to start my ascent from scratch, there were ropeway services that brought tourists up to Shishi-iwa observatory, and another 30 minutes walk up to reach the summit. However simple it sounds, this walk is far from easy. Slopes after slopes, I kept leaning my body forward to push myself up these slopes.

Along the way I met a bunch of hikers, tourists and locals. When we walked past each other, I was caught off guard by their afternoon greeting konichiwa, I couldn’t react in time to give my reply, barely giving a smile and bowing my head slightly in return. Such an act of courtesy was heartwarming. Almost every Japanese people greeted me on my way up to the summit, to the point where I started to initiate the greetings myself.

Rock formations at the summit of Mt. Misen

The view at the summit of Mt Misen was absolutely breathtaking. You could see the Hiroshima Bay in its entirety. Fresh air, clear blue skies and clouds, invigorating wind, all these made my effort (and money spent) worthwhile. Having accomplished my plan for the day, I spent the remaining afternoon browsing through Omotesando shopping street.

On a side note, if you’re planning to visit Miyajima, don’t forget to grab some Momiji Manjyu as souvenirs on your way back! They are Miyajima’s specialty, and they well deserve that title.

Kyoto

Kyoto — the land of temples and shrines, was nothing short of amazing. In this laid back town, the streets are not as bustling as its neighboring city Osaka, just peace and quiet. Also, the number of temples and shrines in this town is astonishing; for every few hundred meters you walk, there is almost certainly a temple or shrine nearby. But, each and every temple or shrine has its own story to tell, with different history and architecture. For travelers seeking out Japanese religious culture, Kyoto certainly is a must-visit.

As I was travelling solo, I could quickly decide what I wanted to do, so I tried to visit as many landmarks as I could within the two days I allocated in my itinerary. Places like Ginkaku-ji, Kinkaku-ji, Kiyomizu-dera are “mandatory” visits for tourists in Kyoto, so I prioritized those places first. I was fortunate enough to be accompanied by a friend of mine, despite a hectic schedule, if not I’ll be hopelessly lost in Kyoto’s complex bus system.

I have to say, riding on a Kyoto bus was interesting, and a tad scary. The entrance is at the back, which was supposed to be where the exit is, and vice versa. Only at the terminus do commuters board from the front. Also, I noticed that Japanese drivers like to drive very, and I mean VERY, close to one another, leaving just a few inches of gap, too close for comfort. So when the bus I was on came utterly close to a car beside (I sat at a window seat, so I could see the car being CRAZILY near), I felt very uneasy and claustrophobic.

Shortly after I arrived in Kyoto, I was told by my friend that there was a festival Aoi Matsuri, one of the three main festivals in Kyoto, happening at the Kyoto palace. Second festival that’s happened during my trip, how lucky I was, really! I pushed my plans back and headed straight for the palace. A large crowd had already gathered outside the entrance of the palace, with some photographers setting up their gear in preparation for the big event. But the first of the palanquins appeared only an hour later, and suddenly the crowd sprung into action, whipping out their phones and cameras and snapping away. Of course, that included me as well!

The parade heads off from the Imperial Palace

It was a grand festival all right, with horses and oxen walking beside people in ceremonial attire. A strikingly beautiful palanquin stood out most of all, with the high priestess Saio riding in it. After walking alongside the parade for a while, I decided to call it quits and head for my next destination.

The Golden and Silver Pavilions, I could only see them through the Windows wallpapers when I lock my computer. They already look magnificent digitally, but seeing them in person is truly a sight to behold.

The Golden Pavilion, Kinkaku-ji

While being surrounded by greenery and a pond, the Kinkaku-ji stands out with its striking gold. Covered in gold leaf for its exteriors, you could see the gold brilliance clearly reflected by the surrounding pond.

While the Ginkaku-ji is not as flamboyant as its golden counterpart, the Silver pavilion offers a dry sand garden with a striped line pattern situated just beside.

Sand garden of Ginkaku-ji

The simplicity of the garden gives off a serene vibe, I felt at ease while looking at the pavilion, also maybe because the crowd here was smaller here compared to Kinkaku-ji. After a few walks around the garden to make my money’s worth (the entrance fee is 500 yen, goodness!) I decided to head towards the most famous structure in Eastern Kyoto: Kiyomizu-dera.

Similar to the two Pavilions, Kiyomizu-dera is widely popular on various mediums. Any travel ad and tour package would feature the temple as one of the main highlights in Japan. Unfortunately the roof of the main hall was under construction when I visited, so the scenery of the whole temple wasn’t as great as before, but at least the main hall was open for visits, so it’s not all that bad.

The temple is located up in the hills, so there’s a arduous 10 minute uphill walk to expect. The walk was not in the slightest boring though, because you’ll be walking through the Higashiyama district, where a whole line of shops and cafes awaits a curious traveler. There were a lot of shops selling Japanese sweets, and a few of them offered samples to shoppers (wouldn’t have known if I wasn’t guided by my veteran friend!). There were samples for matcha tea as well! What a great pit stop in the middle of the district, perfect for a short tea break before continuing further.

At the top of the hill, at the entrance of the temple, the view was simply breathtaking. I could see the entirety of Kyoto all the way to the mountains in the west.

The view atop of the hills, outside Kiyomizu-dera entrance

The crowd here was really huge, probably double the size of Kinkaku-ji crowd. That’s to be expected from the most popular temple in Kyoto, with tourists flocking in to see the temple and the spectacular view.

After a full (scorching) day of temple-hopping, what better way to cool down than to visit an onsen? What I like about Japan, especially Kyoto, is the abundance and convenience of bathhouses, there’s bound to be one around your vicinity (provided you are in an urban area of course).

For the remaining 3 days of my trip, I decided to spend my time leisurely. I spent the late afternoons on an onsen spree, going to popular onsens. In total I visited 4 onsens within these 3 days (maximum health & wellness!) One onsen that left a deep impression on me was Yunessun in Hakone, the place is a water theme park combined with an onsen. Visitors can check out the unique wine/coffee/sake pools and then relax in an onsen, it really is a cool concept, I don’t regret spending half a day there!

Four buckets of coffee ready for splashing people!

Afterthoughts

Honestly, I felt very skeptical about going on an overseas trip all by myself. All the what-ifs fogged my mind, while worrying about safety and the probable loneliness. However, this trip made me realize that a leap of faith into the unknown was the push I needed to understand how enjoyable and exciting journeying solo could be. From the start of the trip planning till the end, it was a phenomenal experience.

The power of the JR pass is limitless

I’m really glad that Japan was my first country to experience solo travelling (not to mention how safe Japan is), definitely would recommend Japan for avid solo-trippers! Writing this journal has spurred me on to plan for my next Japan trip already. If you have any recommendations on where/what to visit in Japan, please do share them with me! Or, if you are planning a trip to Japan yourself and would like some ideas, I’d love to share and discuss my thoughts and experiences!

Special thanks to Nurulhuda, Lee Ming Rui and Wilson for taking their precious time to proofread and provide their valuable inputs!

[robrla]

jan 25, 2019. pt2

“Eventually, we see that we are limitless, boundless ground of the universe. Our job for the rest of our life is to open up to that immensity and express it. Having more and more contact with this reality alway brings compassion for others and changes our daily life.”

Charlotte Joko Beck, Everyday Zen, “Beginning Zen Practice”

The previous post was more of the same. The protagonist, agonizing about the next step, new trials and tribulations to overcome in pursuit to some ideal. 

Bullshit.

The “level-up” challenge for where I am currently is no longer the selfish quest for self realization. The formative years to get myself out of a funk through pursuits of wisdom and zen practice are long gone. My prefrontal cortex is fully formed... I think. Being sturdy matters now, but not because of what it can do or where it can get me. Practicing Zen is no longer only about me.

Life is Beautiful Music Festival - 2017 marked a pivotal transition time in my life. I realized that everything that I am was due to the people who came before me. It’s often so edgy and “teenage-ery” to look at your parents and see their faults, and psycho-analyze your childhood to explain weaknesses and flaws you find in yourself. 

You know... passing blame so you don’t have to take responsibility... 

But LIB weekend was the first time I honestly acknowledged the hypocrisy of this false narrative. How can I pass the blame off on the parts of me I don’t like, while simultaneously housing the view that my strengths are due to some innate prodigious characteristic of my self? Who unwaveringly provided the food, shelter, clothing, toys, education, etc etc etc that created this callous self-titled genius protagonist? YOUR PARENTS YOU FUCKING IDIOT (addressing past Brandon here).

But with these realizations in mind, what’s next? More edgy self-loathing?

Well before this eye-opening weekend, my aunt died of breast cancer. Soon after, my grandpa died of lung cancer (fuck cancer amirite?). And death itself is so final, but the events ensuing are so cataclysmic, aren’t they? Psychology terror management theory 101 here. The dead are dead, but the living are doomed to deal with what death leaves in its wake. 

The way that events precipitate when rationalizing and dealing with even the mundane details of end-of-life events are astounding (i.e. waiting after being put on hold by the coroner’s office). Here we are, dealing with the banality of everyday paperwork so close to something completely devoid of sense and rationality: DEATH.

In each of these instances, my family, as is probably the case with other families in similar situations, was a fucking wreck. It doesn’t matter how old you are, all the wisdom you have accumulated in your ‘X’ years of life don’t matter in the face of death. The hurt that you house that you’ve collected since childhood with your siblings, spouse, friends builds up. Every ‘I’m sorry’ you think you’ve been owed since you could even remember wells, breaks your defenses, flooding you with a torrent of resentment, bitterness and anger that you thought; “wasn’t worth the confrontation”; “wasn’t worth the effort”; “wasn’t a big deal.”

Be unwaveringly candid with your loved ones, even if it causes a fight. Even if it causes screaming and anger. Remember that your mutual love for each other grants fortitude to your relationship. If you love them, you don’t have them to lose, no matter what you say or what you do, or no matter the situation. The only honest finality is death. Don’t let your resentments and grudges go unspoken.

It definitely was this way for the Te’s and the Lao’s.

...and where was I during this hell on earth? Well... I was okay.

It’s not like I wasn’t sad. Of course I was sad. The only difference between me and my family members was just that I wasn’t focused on an existential crisis jump scare, that reared it’s fangs and dropped buckets of gore as it sawed me in half. All my zen, meditation, and soul-searching prepared me for this moment. Not in any magical, fucking fairytale way, that lessened the HURT and CONFUSION in any way for me. But zen practice helped me LIVE the moment. Dharma readied me to acknowledge death, but move on and realize that care needed to be provided for the living.

When all sense and rationality is depleted, you can’t explain death to someone else. You can’t talk and reason your way out of making it okay for them. That is their own journey they must take within themselves. What you CAN do, is be there for them. You can offer your ears to listen to their frustrations as they come to new realizations. You can offer your arms to embrace them as they feel the full weight of their emotion, even if they can’t put their sadness and problems into words. And because you love them, you can offer them your strength.

So here it is. Coming full circle, but this circle is still open. The neurotic and anxious man-child gets a weird love-hate relationship with Eastern philosophy, and then what? And then nothing. Life isn’t done. Wisdom hasn’t been fulfilled. 

Since the initial realizations, I’ve lost more family members, I’ve gained more doubts, my loved ones are still hurting in their own ways -- being plagued by apathy, depression, and home-sickness. 

I now acknowledge that this is a never-ending practice because with more life, there is more death. With more friendships and family, there is more sadness and frustrations. The good will always come with the bad, but utmost care must be taken to be upright. So really fuck the previous post, pt1 about me taking care to remain wise for myself. I must be upright for my loved ones. 

Resilience doesn’t come from being unaffected, but from moving on despite the pain.

Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, but action in the face of it. 

I know now that the wrong thing is to focus on avoiding slipping back into your own depression. You and I have the potential and understanding to always be an infinite well of compassion. A source of strength.

Strength for the sake of self can be depleted, strength on behalf of another is limitless.

With this in mind, Zen is no longer about helping myself. 

With this in mind, failure simply isn’t an option.

-bran

[ushijimaenthusiast]

matsusemi flower shop au. they’re both dummies and don’t know how to be honest

[ao3]

When the man enters the shop, Eita isn’t even surprised.

He levels his gaze as the man saunters forward, eyes darting around the shop curiously but feet steadfast as he makes his way to the counter, already set on what he’s going to buy. And when he stops at the counter, hands in his pockets, shoulders thrown back in a lazy way, his lips turn into an all-knowing smirk.

Eita narrows his eyes.

“I’ll get the usual,” is all he says, even going so far as to place his elbow on the counter and leans closer towards Eita, as if he’s trying to be seductive.

Eita would be lying if he said the man wasn’t attractive, despite his bushy eyebrows and his stupid smirk and the way he buys an odd assortment of roses every other week and doesn’t say why. He’s had customers want stranger requests, and honestly he could be using them for something simple or heartfelt. His face says otherwise, but Eita tries not to let it bother him that he doesn’t know what they’re being used for. As long as they’re paid for, he shouldn’t care one way or the other.

“How many this time?” he asks, moving to step around the counter and head for the roses, shearing scissors in hand.

The guy trails not too far behind, Eita eyeing him wearily. He starts with three red roses before moving on, already knowing the man will want a variety of color.

“Uh, make it thirteen.”

He cuts thirteen roses.

He doesn’t care to make the bouquet beautiful. They’ve done this enough times that the man has asked Eita not to go fancy on the wrapping, especially after learning that it adds to the total price. Wrapped, ready to go, and paid for, the man starts to head towards the door without any sly remarks like usual. He holds the bouquet against his chest, but before he makes it three feet from the counter, he rushes back and pulls a rose from the mess and lays it down in front of Eita.

“For you,” he says, no smirk or backwards glance thrown Eita’s way as he runs out the store.

All he can do is stare at the rose in shock.

This, is a surprise.

>>><<<

He doesn’t see the man for a month.

Eita would be lying if he said he hadn’t been anticipating his unusual customer every other Friday, like usual, but with no such luck. He grows a little hopeful every time the door dings open, then has to hide his disappointment when he sees it’s not him.

He let the rose die.

He didn’t care for it like he would others. He left it on the counter to wither by its lonesome until his coworker eventually threw it away three days later, side-eyeing him the entire day as if afraid to catch whatever Eita had.

It’s been a month, and he’s growing angry.

Not necessarily at the customer, since they didn’t know one another and Eita has no right to be angry at him, but he’s frustrated with himself for falling over one single rose.

It’s not the first time someone has given him a flower he’s just sold. Mostly shy girls who returned after a heartbreak who’s taken comfort in Eita’s smile. Once in a blue moon other men have tried to woo Eita, but it never works. Their wild gestures and slick words just don’t sound right to him. And if they ever got to know him, learned how broken he is, they’d run the other way.

A month and two weeks later, on a cold May night just as Eita is closing up for the day, double checking that the plants are tucked safely into their pots, the door dings open.

“We’re closing,” he calls without turning around, his hands gently lifting the petals of a carnation. It’s been drooping more and more; tomorrow he’ll have to take a proper look at it to see if it can be saved.

“That’s fine,” he hears, “I’m not lookin’ to buy anything.”

Eita whips around at the voice, recognizing it immediately.

The man stands with his shoulders slumped and hands shoved deep in his pockets. He looks like he has not a care in the world, and that kind of nonchalance pisses off Eita.

He glares and turns back to the flower.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he says, “you misheard me. We’re closed. No one is allowed to be in here anymore. You need to leave.”

There’s a throaty chuckle behind him.

“You sound like you’re angry.”

“I’m not angry. Why would I be angry?”

“You tell me.”

Eita doesn’t reply.

Footsteps come closer, until the man is standing just to the left of Eita.

“You haven’t been missing me, have you?”

“Of course not,” Eita says gruffly, dropping the petal and moving back to the counter to rearrange the rocks in his zen garden. They weren’t out of place, but moving them around calms him. “Why would I miss someone I don’t even know?”

“Wow. And after all those times we said hello and exchanged money.”

“Are you insinuating something?”

The man just raises his hands in a placating gesture.

Eita huffs and turns back to his garden.

“Listen,” the man says after a moment of silence, “I just wanted to tell you… thank you. For all the flowers. It helped.”

He doesn’t turn around, doesn’t want to acknowledge the man, but against his better judgement Eita asks, “Helped what?”

There’s a throaty cough disguised as a laugh. “Uh--helped me get my idiot friends together. They’ve been dancing around each other since we were kids.”

His eyebrows furrow. He glances over his shoulder. “What’d you do?”

The smirk melts into something softer, something almost precious. Eita ignores the way his heart skips a beat.

“Well, they live in the same building, so I’d take the petals and make a path from their doors. I’d throw ‘em on their bed, their tables, even used ‘em in a car once.”

Eita’s heart skips for an entirely different reason.

“You mutilated my flowers?”

“Wha--”

“If you wanted petals, you can buy that fake shit online. How dare you destroy my flowers for such an idiotic gesture?”

“Hey now--”

“No,” Eita rips his arm away when the man tries to grab him. Stomping, he heads for the front door, fuming over what this man had the audacity to do to his flowers. These are living things, you don’t just--you don’t just tear them apart for no reason! “I want you to leave. I want--I can’t even look at you right now. I don’t--I don’t want to see you again.”

Maybe he’s being over dramatic, but he can’t look at the man. His face is burning, he can’t find enough air, and he’s just--

“Okay,” he hears.

Something clinks on the counter but he’s too focused keeping the front door open to glance over. He stiffens when the man shuffles past a moment later, the welcoming scent of mint trailing him. Has he always smelled like mint?

The door swings shut as soon as the man is gone, and Eita heads for the counter, slumping against it and resting his head in his hands. He may have gone overboard. After all, he knows the flowers die eventually. Just minutes before the man showed up he was contemplating the execution of one. Tearing the petals off flowers and strewing them about for romantic purposes is something he’s heard of before, seen a dozen times in movies, and has even had happen to him once, a very long time ago. The clean up sucks, but the gesture is indeed pretty damn romantic.

Still.

Eita is too frustrated to consider the idea romantic. He’s angry, he’s fired up, he wants to yell at the man some more. He tries to ignore the hurt expression on the man’s face before he left. Tries to ignore the way his own chest hurts.

On the counter sits a rock the same shade of brown as the stranger’s eyes.

Eita pretends to hate it.

>>><<<

It started as a way to get out of the rain.

Random summer storms happen all the time, but being as ill-prepared as he always is, Issei ducked into the first shop he could when it started pouring.

He was just supposed to be there long enough for the storm to pass so he wouldn’t get his new inexpensive suit soaked; he never intended to fall for the man behind the counter who was surrounded by flowers and who radiated a gentle smile that melted Issei’s heart. That still melts his heart.

It took him weeks to work up the nerve to say anything, and when he did all he could see were the giant bouquets of ruby-red roses, so to save face he bought a baker’s dozen with his charming smile. It wasn’t until he was walking home with the flowers held against his chest, petals softly ghosting under his chin, that he realized what he’d done.

He kept the roses until they died, even went so far as to press a few into books and failed at attempts to regrow them.

He kept every single rose until it died.

There was no petal tearing, no rose paths created. The one time he did do that for his friends he did buy a pack of fake petals online. They were a bitch to clean up the next evening, but the sappy, love-struck expressions on his friends’ faces was worth it.

The lie was supposed to be romantic. A way to sway the florist into falling for Issei. He’s practiced his smirks and has remained mysterious and aloof to increase his charm, and he was sure by telling a simple story about helping his friends would kick-start something between them.

But instead it backfired and Issei has spent the past week staring at the trinkets of roses he’s created, wondering why he opened his big mouth.

A mod-podged rose under a vase like in Beauty and the Beast sits on his desk, glaring at him as it droops. A collage of pressed petals behind a frame weep above his bed. The rose garden terrarium on his bookshelf turns its back on him. Everything he’s tried to preserve is a reminder of how horrible and cowardly he is, and he can blame no one but himself.

His roommate suggests throwing them all away when he realizes why Issei is depressed, but he could never do that. Even though their time has come and gone and they’re suspended in an in-between place, Issei could never throw away the reminders. He’s worked hard to create them, even enjoyed the fantasy of showing the florist what he has done.

It would be easier to forget him, to forget it all.

But it’s a little hard to forget someone your heart wants.

Issei spends the next couple of weeks taking the long way to and from work to avoid the flower shop. It hurts, knowing he can’t pass it by every day. Hurts to know he won’t see the florist again. It shouldn’t matter, because as he had said, they don’t really know one another. They’re strangers; he doesn’t even know the florist’s name! And after always paying in cash, there was no way for Issei to share his.

So he mopes, he avoids, and hopes that with time, he’ll be able to forget the florist with the beautiful smile and hands scarred by thorns.

And it works, it’s easy, until he sees said florist one evening while he’s out buying groceries.

Issei literally freezes when he catches sight of the other man at the end of the aisle, looking for all to see like he has not a care in the world, despite whatever it is he’s holding is causing his brow to furrow and his lips to pinch in the same way Issei has seen when he rearranges bouquets.

Does he continue down the aisle? Does he really need whatever is down there? He could circle around. But he might run into the florist at the other end. He could just abandon his cart and leave the building completely. That sounds much safer.

He starts to do just that, hands leaving the rail, feet and body turning as he prepares to flee, heart pounding away wildly, when a sharp “Hey” stops him.

Does he break through this freeze and run? Does he turn to meet his end? Or does he stand still and hope this will all pass and he won’t remember a thing?

“Haven’t seen you in awhile,” the voice says, followed by a short cough. Squeaking wheels followed by the sight of the cart as it stops right beside Issei’s. The florist looks him over, breaking the spell.

All his charm, his mysterious aloofness, is gone. Despite being taller, broader, Issei feels like a child about to be scolded. He can’t meet the florist’s gaze.

“You told me to stay away, so I did.”

“I didn’t think you were the type to listen to others.”

“I listen to those I respect.”

That shuts up the florist, and Issei is able to chance a glimpse at him to see his surprised expression. It feels like a win, but Issei just feels sick.

He clears his throat and looks away, silence falling between them.

Issei is jostled into movement by a mother and her children as they edge around him to get into the aisle. The florist moves his own cart back, closer to Issei’s, and they watch in silence as the woman moves down the row slowly, one hand on the cart, one in the hand of her youngest of three.

What now? He can’t risk saying anything else on the off chance it’ll piss off the florist even more. He can’t do that, can’t stomach doing that again. That last night replayed in his mind over and over--such a simple thing, blown out of proportion. Issei and his lies, causing trouble again.

“What was with the rock?”

The voice is lower than before, and when Issei looks up, the florist’s cheeks are tinted and his eyes are averted. His lips are pinched like earlier, brow furrowed furiously, but the look doesn’t scream anger or frustration. He can’t place it, but it doesn’t feel hostile.

“What rock?”

“The one you left, that night. Did you forget it there?”

Ah, the rock.

Now it’s Issei’s turn to clear his throat, his turn for his cheeks to pinken. He rocks back on his heels and grips the rail of his cart. Truth? Or another lie?

The truth comes out, sweet and sour. “It was for you. For your garden.”

“Why?”

Issei shrugs. “A pretty rock for a pretty garden.”

“That doesn’t explain why.” There’s that furrow again, that pinch. Issei starts to enjoy it.

He shrugs again, not knowing what else to tell him. Any more could ruin whatever this is. He can’t lie, can’t tell the truth. How he scrounged for the rock at stores and even that one weekend he went to the beach, how the color eerily matches his eyes, how he wanted the florist to have a piece of him. It’s too much.

A phone rings, causing Issei to jump. The florist sighs and reaches into a pocket to pull out his cell. Issei takes the moment of distraction to bolt, leaving his cart and its belongings behind.

He didn’t need to eat this week, not really.

>>><<<

After one of his regulars leave, bouquet held tightly to his chest as he makes his way to the cemetery, Eita tries not to think about how many of his flowers decorate tombstones.

It’s not a comforting thought. Flowers are meant for the living--what joy do they bring the dead? He’s never understood the act of leaving flowers for those who have passed, doesn’t understand why living flowers are meant to be cut and killed for those already gone. It’s pointless, a waste.

He can’t tell anyone that though. He’s in the business of selling flowers, after all, and each one he grows is just so it will be cut and killed for someone for something pointless.

To distract himself from the depressing thoughts, he focuses instead on his little zen garden.

The brown rock stands apart from the rest, its dull brown sides still rough and etched, whereas the others are shiny black and water-worn smooth. It sits in the center, alone, where it’s remained this whole time.

That man… Eita doesn’t know what to make of him.

He’d looked nothing like the confident and cocky guest that always barged in with his shit-eating smirk and asked for absurd amounts of flowers every other week. He thought he hated the man, or at least disliked him enough to never think about him--after all, he never thought about when he might pop back up again when he was popping up all the time--but after that night… after the meeting at the store, Eita can’t shake the thought of him.

He’s never seen such sad eyes before.

It can’t be because of him, right? They don't share anything. There’s nothing tying them together. Eita should be able to forget all about him, to pretend he doesn’t exist. There’s nothing about Eita that the man should even care about, or find interesting, nothing to be sad over. It should be easy to move on. To pretend that everything is okay.

Except he can’t even sleep at night remembering the way the man had just run from him, as if he was afraid of Eita or what he might say.

Honestly, it hurts his feelings.

There’s nothing to be done, though. Unless he stalks the grocery store they apparently both frequent--Eita wouldn’t be surprised if the other man switched stores just to avoid him, like Eita knows he’s switched his morning and evening route in front of the store--or he comes back to the shop, there’s no way of finding him again. Eita just needs to move on, forget about him, focus on the flowers. The flowers seem restless today, almost as if they’re trying to tell him something. But flowers are just flowers, even if they grow and move on their own, so Eita tends to them normally and pretends everything is normal. He doesn’t think about the man again, doesn’t jump every time the door opens, doesn’t spend the rest of the month waiting for the impossible to happen.

Two months later though, it does.

He’s not working, he’s not out grocery shopping. Iwaizumi sits on his left as they ride the bus to the movie theater, the two of them enjoying their day off together for the first time in forever. Iwaizumi sits with one leg crossed over the other and his phone in his lap, all his focus on whatever’s playing on the screen. Eita keeps looking at the people around them, hands rubbing against each other to smooth out the kinks caused by the tightening scars. The cold always did mess with his hands. Damn thorns.

It’s probably only because he’s watching others that he notices a set of eyes on him, making his breath hitch and body go rigid.

Caught, the man ducks his head and goes to turn away. There’s nowhere to run on a moving bus, so Eita is able to watch the man shake from only a few seats away. He wants to call out, to sit closer, to ask what the hell is wrong with him. But his friend is sitting right next to him, and even though they’re close, Eita hasn’t told anyone about the annoying customer that plagues his thoughts.

The bus doesn’t stop. Eita is able to continue staring. The man jerks his head and body around to see if Eita is still watching, to see if they’re stopping soon, to see if there’s a way to run. Eita tries not to get distracted by the way the man’s messy hair bounces with the movement.

He does start to grow a little angry though. He can tell that the other wants to run. Doesn’t want to confront Eita again. It’s not like he’s going to do anything! He just wants to know why he ran the last time they met. Why he gave Eita that stupid, ugly rock. Why he can’t look at Eita right now.

“You okay?” he hears beside him.

He turns towards Iwaizumi, startles when his friend startles at his look. Eita smooths out his expression. He glances to the side again, looking for the stranger, relieved to find he’s still there.

Iwaizumi follows his gaze but doesn’t say anything. Eita just nods, swallows the lump in his throat, and bites his tongue.

He can feel himself building up to doing something stupid. He doesn’t know what yet, but he can feel it. And it seems as though Iwaizumi can feel it too, since he slips his phone back into his pocket and folds his arms over his chest, his glare a lot more obvious as he trains it on the man down the bus, causing him to fidget even more.

It’s not their stop, but when Eita sees the man jump up he jumps up too. He doesn’t wait for Iwaizumi to say or do anything as he rushes off the bus and towards the man.

What is he doing? What is he going to do?

“Hey--wait!” he calls. The man’s curly black hair stands well above the rest of the crowd, and it’s easy to track. It ducks, so Eita knows the man can hear him. He keeps pushing through the crowd, eyes trained on those stupid curls as they bob and weave. A fleeting thought: is Iwaizumi following him? Does Eita care if he is or isn’t?

The curls dip again out of sight; Eita curses, then sees them pop up again as they turn into an alley. He surges forward, not even sure why he’s trying so hard to catch the guy.

The man is panting and sprinting towards the other end of the alley, which opens up to another side street. If he makes it to the other side before Eita can reach him, he’ll be lost forever. Cursing, Eita urges his feet to move faster and yells, “Wait!”

The man jerks, his footsteps fumbling. Eita sucks in another lungful to prepare for more chasing but--but the man stumbles, stops, his form bending over as he pants.

Eita skids to a stop a few feet away, his own chest heaving from the adrenaline from the chase.

A gravelly voice gasps out, “What the hell do you want?”

Eita may not have prepared for anything in this confrontation, but especially did not expect hostility. He’s not used to it, was hoping to see some of that mirth and ego from months before, or even that almost fearfulness he saw that night in the grocery store. But he doesn’t let it deter him. He squares his shoulders.

“Why do you keep running from me?”

“Why do you keep chasing me?” his voice is louder, smoother, but with a crack at the end; his body straightens as his hands are thrown to the side, the gesture almost vulnerable. Eita is once more met with those sad eyes.

He gulps around the lump in his throat. “Well, if you just talked to me like a normal person I wouldn’t have to chase you.”

The man lowers his hands. Even though nothing else about his posture shifts, it’s clear to see he closes himself off from Eita.

“You told me you never wanted to see me again. I was respecting that.”

Ah, that’s right. Eita’s cheeks burn with shame. That night at the florist shop he said those words, and was reminded when they met at the grocery store. Going weeks between meetings has muddled Eita’s memories, and he’s angry at himself for erasing the reason why this man no longer shows up at his flower shop. This really is all his fault.

“You shouldn’t listen to me,” he grumbles, turning away, not wanting to see the man’s expression, not knowing what he’d want to see as he gives a semi-apology, “I say dumb shit I don’t mean.”

“Well I’m a dumb shit that listens,” gravel crunches underfoot as the man steps closer. Eita flinches when a hand reaches out to brush his bangs away from his face.

His cheeks burn brighter than ever before, both in embarrassment and annoyance. Since when has this guy been so tall? So touchy? Why is that mint scent so intoxicating? “What are you doing?”

When he looks up, Eita is hit full force with the man’s smirk--no, that’s not the usual confident, cocky smirk he walks into the shop with. This is softer. This is something sweet and genuine, and it’s directed straight at Eita.

The fingers linger as they trail gently down Eita’s cheek and along the curve of his jaw, so light he almost doesn’t feel the physical touch but can still feel their heat. He misses their touch when they slip under his chin and pull away. The smile starts to falter. They’re close enough that Eita can smell cocoa on the man’s warm breath when he sighs. “Sorry. For bein’ a liar and a coward.”

Afraid of speaking too loudly and ruining the moment, Eita whispers, “What are you talking about?”

His lips twitch upwards, but the smile doesn’t fully come back. “You’re kind of a scary guy. And I like that about you. I like a lot of things about you actually,” he laughs, and it’s something deep and warm and rubs all over Eita. He resists a shiver, even as one of those large hands comes back to cup his cheek, tilting his head up even more. At this angle, it would be too easy-- “I wanted to come off as romantic when I mentioned the rose petals. But the look on your face when you told me you didn’t want to see me again… I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting you again, so that’s why I ran the second time.”

Eita gulps. He doesn’t like this. Doesn’t like where this is going, where it’s at. This wasn’t what he was expecting when he chased after the man. An apology, maybe. A confession? Not in a million years.

People don’t actually confess to Eita. People don’t fall for him, don’t crush on him. He’s rude and closed off. His only friend is Iwaizumi, and that’s probably due to them knowing each other since they were kids, and even then he has a hard time leveling their friendship. The few relationships he’s been in ended horribly, either on a romantic level or a physical one once they finally got to know him, so he closed himself off and let his life revolve around his flowers. How could this man whose name he doesn't even know be confessing to him? It’s ridiculous.

He watches the man’s brow furrow, the smile slip away, the burning hot palm against his cheek twitch before disappearing. The man looks infinitely more attractive when he genuinely smiles, but Eita can’t say that. The only thing he can say is--

“I’m sorry.”

They both startle at his cracked, hoarse whisper. The man just stares at him, his lips parting slowly. Eita blinks, starts shaking his head, repeats, “I’m sorry. I--I can’t.”

Before he can think further, Eita runs from the alley and away from probably the last guy who’ll ever like him, trying not to wonder why it hurts so much. This is for the best. Eita isn’t lovable. Around the corner Iwaizumi magically appears, catching him as he stumbles.

“Are you okay?” he asks.

Eita wants to nod, wants to tell him everything is okay, everything will be okay. But he can tell by the concern in Iwaizumi’s gaze that he heard everything, and if there’s one thing Eita hates, it’s liars.

He shakes his head.

Iwaizumi wraps an arm around his shoulder and doesn’t speak as he guides him home.

>>><<<

The bell dinges daintily when he pushes open the door into the fragrant flower shop. It was a pleasant surprise to see that nothing had changed in the time he’d been away, and once more it has some of his tension draining away.

From the back of the shop comes a muffled, “Sorry, but we’re closing soon,” that has Issei sighing in relief. Third time’s the charm.

He makes his way to the counter to wait, knowing the florist will be out any minute. He lets his eyes wander, and there, on the corner of the counter like usual, is the zen garden he noticed so long ago. And nestled right in the middle of all the various stones is the one he left as a gift. It may not mean anything to the florist, but it has his chest swelling with warmth knowing the rock was kept, even after all their disastrous meetings.

Footsteps pound on the creaky floorboards and a moment later the florist is rounding the doorway from the back, carrying an empty vase. His eyes glance over Issei before he does a double take, and Issei has to reel in his smirk at causing such a reaching. Despite his clammy hands and fluttering heart, he knows he can handle whatever happens next. No more running away.

“What are you doing here?” the florist demands, cheeks reddening and eyes flickering from Issei to other parts of the store and back again. He’s glowering, but it doesn’t look as hostile as before. It looks almost… flustered.

Before he can lose his nerve, Issei gently places one of his favorite projects on the counter between them. The florist’s eyes flicker from him to it and back again, before he finally steps closer to fully inspect it.

The furrow between this brows smooths out as his face slackens, his arms drooping enough to make Issei worry he’ll drop the vase. He’s never been a fan of painting, and without a picture of the florist he knows the painting isn’t exactly accurate. But hopefully the vibrancy of the red petals entwined with swirls of rich blue and deep green is enough to make up for it. He tried his best, and it’s been one of his favorite pieces for months.

“I never bought the roses for my friends. The first was just to seem like I wasn’t loitering, and--and so I could get closer to you. I kept comin’ back because I wanted to see you again. I saved every rose until it died; I’ve pressed some and made things like this, all so they wouldn’t go to waste. My roommates think i have some kind of rose fetish because of it.” he ends it with a laugh, hoping to lighten the mood. The florist’s expression goes from slack to somber as he talks, and it starts to churn his stomach.

He clears his throat. “I’m sorry I lied. Sorry I ran. Like I said, you’re a scary guy and I like you. That night… it seemed like I really hurt you, and I didn't want to do that again. But then you chased me into that alley and I thought, ‘This is my chance. I can tell him everything.’ But-but then you ran. And this is the third time this week I’ve come by hoping to catch you and now that I have I realize how horrible and cliche this all sounds.”

He tries to laugh it off again, but even he can hear how hollow and desperate it is. The florist’s lips are pinched together and he hasn’t taken his eyes off the painting. Is it really that bad? Did he fuck up so catastrophically that he’s made a man go catatonic?

“Please say something,” Issei whispers, his heart tearing itself into pieces from anxiety.

The lips pinch even tighter, until they smooth out and the florist’s eyes peer up at Issei from under his bangs, the look almost shy.

“You don’t even know my name.”

I’ll take it.

Issei grins, immense relief filling him. The florist finally sets down the vase he was holding and wipes his hands on his apron before holding one out.

“Semi Eita. Resident florist and an idiot with a crush.

When their hands clasp, Issei swears he hears angels sing. He never knew a florist’s hands could feel so warm and soft. “Matsukawa Issei. Lovestruck fool. Nice to meet you.”

[aion-rsa]

10 PS4 Games to Play Instead of the Still Broken Cyberpunk 2077

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Cyberpunk 2077 is finally back on the PlayStation Store, but the game comes with this warning that makes it clear that the PS4 version of the controversial title is still surprisingly broken:

“IMPORTANT NOTICE: Users continue to experience performance issues with this game. Purchase for use on PS4 systems is not recommended. For the best Cyberpunk experience on PlayStation, play on PS4 Pro and PS5 systems.”

It’s not often you see a digital store tell you to not purchase a version of a game made for one of the best-selling video game consoles ever, but that update is really just the latest chapter in what has proven to be the shockingly strange Cyberpunk 2077 story so far. While you could wait for CD Project Red to update the PS4 version of Cyberpunk 2077 enough to finally make it playable on that platform, it could be quite some time before that actually happens. Instead, consider playing one of these PS4 games that each offer something that will help you forget about Cyberpunk 2077 (if only for a little while).

Deus Ex: Mankind Divided

Deus Ex: Mankind Divided isn’t quite as good as Human Revolution or the original Deus Ex, but if Cyberpunk 2077 left you dreaming about this franchise, you should know that Mankind Divided is the most accessible modern Deus Ex title available on PS4. 

What Mankind Divided (mostly) gets right is the feeling that you’re able to solve any scenario pretty much however you’d like. While your choices sometimes come down to the old “stealth, charisma, action” decision paths, Mankind Divided excels at encouraging you to find unique solutions to complex problems. It then rewards you with the feeling that you may have solved that problem in a way that nobody else quite has (even if that obviously isn’t always true). 

Even better, Mankind Divided doesn’t push too hard for an open-world setting it can’t quite handle, which means that it arguably does a better job than Cyberpunk at showcasing its stylish settings filled with little world-building and storytelling moments. 

Fallout: New Vegas

Technically, it’s easier to play Fallout 4 on PS4 than Fallout: New Vegas, but considering that Fallout 4 shares some issues with Cyberpunk in terms of ideas that don’t quite land, it might be worth a month’s subscription to PS Now just to play this gem. 

After all, Cyberpunk 2077’s best feature is the quality of its side stories and missions, which also happens to be one of the things that Fallout: New Vegas excels at. The difference is that New Vegas’ side missions are arguably better and often help expand New Vegas’ faction-driven world in a way that Cyberpunk seemingly strives for but rarely achieves. 

Yes, New Vegas is an incredibly buggy game, but it’s also an example of how video game bugs are easier to forgive when they’re acquired in the service of crafting something quite special. 

The Outer Worlds

The Outer Worlds is a (nearly) perfect modern RPG for fans of developer Obsidian’s style or even those looking for a tribute to the best RPGs from Bethesda, BioWare, and other legendary studios. 

The Outer Worlds offers a more methodical RPG experience than what you’ll find in Cyberpunk 2077, but if you love great dialog, interesting character-building options, and memorable companions/side characters, then this is absolutely one of the best sci-fi role-playing experiences of the last console generation. 

The Outer Worlds isn’t even an especially long game (unless you’re really trying to see and do everything), so you could even pair it with one of the other titles on this list. 

Ghostrunner

While Ghostrunner’s October 2020 release date and “cyberpunk” style caused some to initially dismiss it as an indie cash-in on the Cyberpunk 2077 hype, this game is actually closer to a more action-oriented take on Mirror’s Edge. 

Actually, Ghostrunner is one of the most fast-paced and creative action games in recent memory. It rarely offers you a moment to slow down, and the skill required to overcome its most devious roadblocks invokes that “zen” state you only get from certain games.

Ghostrunner is a sneakily good Cyberpunk 2077 alternative for those who loved that game’s genre trappings and are on board with this underrated game’s pace and style.

Invisible, Inc. 

Truth be told, one of these spots really should go to one of the modern entries in the Shadowrun series. Since those games aren’t available for PS4, though, then let’s take a slight detour into something a little different. 

As a turn-based stealth strategy game, Invisible Inc. doesn’t share a lot of gameplay DNA with Cyberpunk 2077. What the two do have in common, though, are fascinating sci-fi worlds run by corporations and the operatives who oppose (and assist) them. 

If you enjoy tactical gameplay at all and want something with Cyberpunk 2077-esque style, then Invisible Inc. could just be the gem you’ve been looking for. 

Cloudpunk

Here’s another smaller game that got mixed up in the Cyberpunk 2077 hype despite offering a completely different experience.

You won’t find a lot of Cyberpunk 2077-style action in this game about delivering packages, but in terms of world design and lore, I’d honestly put Cloudpunk above CD Projekt Red’s controversial epic. Cloudpunk may not benefit from a fraction of that game’s budget, but its Blade Runner-like world is so easy to lose yourself in. 

Cloudpunk is just one of the best ways to spend a little time in a sci-fi dystopia. 

Watch Dogs: Legion

Watch Dogs: Legion generated a little buzz when it was first revealed, but the talk around this title died out a bit too soon.

Watch Dogs: Legion’s “play as any NPC” gameplay gimmick isn’t quite as deep as it maybe could have been, but it ultimately serves to enhance what is otherwise a very good open-world game that still features many of the best qualities that defined its also underrated predecessor.

While not a 1:1 replacement for Cyberpunk 2077 by any means, I’d still argue that this is one of the best ways to explore a large and hostile sci-fi environment while enjoying some clever gameplay.

Prey

I freely admit that I was initially somewhat disappointed by Prey. At the time it was released, I just felt like the game didn’t quite do enough to improve the games that clearly inspired it.  

Some of my reservations about the game remain, but what I can tell you is that Prey features one of the best “atmospheres” I’ve seen in a video game in the last 15 or 20 years. Prey’s world falls somewhere between Robocop and a really good sci-fi horror movie. It manages to keep you wanting more of its corporate dystopia setting despite regularly giving you reasons to worry about what’s behind the next corner.

Even better, Prey’s gameplay features enough of that Deus Ex/BioShock style to occasionally offer Cyberpunk 2077 kind of moments.  

Dishonored 2

I don’t think it’s possible to sing the praises of the Dishonored series enough. That being the case, let me use this time as an excuse to remind you that you really should play Dishonored 2: one of the most underrated games of the last console generation. 

Cyberpunk 2077 occasionally does a very good job of offering multiple solutions to complex problems, but even at its best, it just can’t match what Dishonored 2 achieves in that arena. Not since the glory days of the Thief franchise have I played a game that does such a great job of using level design to sell a world while encouraging players to constantly explore new solutions.

Honestly, you should play Dishonored 2 even if you couldn’t care less about Cyberpunk 2077. 

The Witcher 3

Maybe it’s because it’s the game that arguably contributed more to the Cyberpunk 2077 hype than anything else, but I feel like there’s a sense of hesitation when it comes to recommending The Witcher 3 as a kind of Cyberpunk 2077 alternative. Granted, it’s a different game in many respects, but I feel that some of that hesitation is based on the currently low public opinion of developer CD Projeckt Red.

However, it’s fairly easy to separate the two games and elevate The Witcher 3 with one hand while dismissing at least the PS4 version of Cyberpunk 2077 with the other. The Witcher 2 proved that CD Projekt Red was one of the most exciting studios in gaming, but nothing could have prepared anyone for the ways that The Witcher 3 addressed nearly all of that game’s issues while advancing the art of video game storytelling and world-building. 

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

Maybe it will make you just a little sadder than it used to, but The Witcher 3 is obviously still a truly great game. 

The post 10 PS4 Games to Play Instead of the Still Broken Cyberpunk 2077 appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[zacekova]

Everything’s Fine (Really) chapter 6

First - Next

Shirayuki was putting on her earrings when the buzzer rang. She rushed over to the intercom, heart pounding. “Hello?”

“It’s Obi,” came tinny through the speaker.

“Okay, I’ll be right out,” Shirayuki said. She slid into her shoes and snagged her purse from the couch, slinging it over her shoulder and turning off the lights on her way out.

Obi was leaning against one of the pillars supporting the second-floor balcony, hands stuffed in the pockets of his black dress slacks. The corded muscles of his forearms disappeared into the rolled-up sleeves of a pale blue dress shirt,  fabric stretched tight across the line of his shoulders and around his biceps.

Shirayuki dragged her eyes up and flushed at the look on his face.

There was no mistaking the look of barely contained hunger, his eyes burning as they roved over her and the heat of his stare searing her skin in feverish prickles. Why he was looking at Shirayuki of all people like that made little sense, but it seemed stupid to question it, stupid to deny the fact that she craved his interest.

Not that it would be smart to start anything. Shirayuki really didn’t want to have that conversation with Zen.

She cleared her throat. “Uh, hi.”

Obi’s eyes continued their slow, meandering journey up her body, an agonizing, smoldering drag that didn’t cool when their gazes met. Obi looked at her without a hint of shame and Shirayuki was torn between fleeing back into her apartment alone or dragging him in with her to leave a trail of clothing up to her bedroom door.

But neither of those options would lead to a free dinner and her stomach had started complaining ten minutes ago. Shirayuki plastered on a friendly smile, one that didn’t reveal how much she wanted his mouth on her and her hands in his hair. “You clean up nice,” she said.

He grinned. “Job requirement.”

Shirayuki’s brow furrowed. “To be in a gang?”

Obi laughed, head thrown back and exposing the long line of his neck. “No, to be a bodyguard for a mob boss. Especially mine.” He pushed away from the pillar and offered her his arm. “Shall we?”

Shirayuki nodded. “Yeah.”

Obi’s car was clean and sleek and “black, like my soul,” he said, eyes twinkling as he held the door open for her. It was warm, the heat turned on low and a relief after the chill wind on Shirayuki’s bare legs.

Obi slid into the driver’s seat with more grace than anyone had a right to utilize for such a benign action. He pulled out onto the road in silence, the lines of his face neutral and relaxed, and Shirayuki watched the buildings pass by as they headed downtown, the street lamps flickering on one-by-one as the daylight faded.

Obi parked them in the lot of a large hotel, a skyscraper that towered over much of the city at its feet, and took her arm to lead her inside. They squeezed inside an elevator with a handful of guests and rose through the center of the building, the doors opening on a massive, circular room. The restaurant lobby was a perfect ring on the top floor, surrounding a kitchen that was blocked off with red brick walls. The tables were scattered around the main floor with plush, white chairs under soft, muted lighting. The outer walls were all glass, floor-to-ceiling windows that showed off the city skyline in breathtaking display.

A maitre d’ stood nearby, holding a pair of menus and waiting patiently for Shirayuki to stop staring around her in amazement. He led them to the outer wall, the edge of their table an inch away from touching the glass. Shirayuki waited until he left with their drink orders before leaning over the black marble surface and speaking in a hushed voice. “Are you sure you can afford this?”

Obi laughed. “It’s fine, Miss, I get paid pretty well. Besides, I’ve been here so many times that most of the staff know me by name. They’ll probably give me a discount when they see I’m here on a hot date,” he said, throwing her a wink.

Shirayuki flushed, easing back into her seat and pulling the menu up in front of her face. He really needed to stop saying things like that, it was getting her hopes up.

Her eyes happened to skitter across one of the meal prices and she jolted, slamming her open palm over the right side of the menu. She would just… not look at it anymore. For the sake of her heart.

“So, do you know what you want?” Obi asked.

Shirayuki glanced at him and back down, shaking her head. “Uh, no. Honestly, I’m not even sure what half of this is. Is this even in English?”

Obi leaned over the table to tap at a couple of lines, explaining what some of the mysterious dishes and ingredients were. His lips and tongue rolled smoothly over the foreign words like he’d said them a thousand times. He was patient, the lines of his face neutral as he talked, though there was a hint of amusement in his eyes. “Do you like seafood?” he asked.

Shirayuki nodded.

“Try the moqueca, then,” Obi said. “They make it pretty good here, it’s about the closest thing I’ve found to my grandmother’s.”

“Your grandmother?” Shirayuki asked, curious but forcing herself not to sound too eager. In all the time they had spent together Obi had rarely given away personal information and never anything about a family. 

This time, though, he nodded, a soft, relaxed smile gracing his face. “Yeah, she raised me,” he said, reaching out for the bottle of wine a waiter had dropped off and popping the cork.

Shirayuki hesitated. “Can I- Can I ask about your parents?”

Obi’s smile turned a bit wane as he poured each of them a finger’s-width of red before setting the bottle aside and taking a sip from his glass, shrugging. “Never found out who my dad was, if my mom even knew, and she got sick when I was a baby.”

Shirayuki’s heart constricted and she reached out, brushing the knuckles of his hand. “I’m sorry, Obi.”

“Can’t really miss what you’ve never had,” he said, shrugging again. He pasted on a bright smile and pulled his hand out from under hers to grab his shoulder. “Ah, don’t worry about me, Miss. What about you, any family?”

Their waiter walked up before Shirayuki could answer. She let Obi take care of giving their order, his ease with the language obvious and far more articulate than her own pronunciation would have been.

“So what language is that?” she asked after the waiter had left with their menus. “And what kind of food is this? I’ve not heard of any of it before.”

Obi settled back in his seat, stretching his legs out underneath the tale until his feet bracketed her own. “Portuguese,” he said. “And it’s Brazilian food. Pretty good Brazilian food, too. There’s a place out in Westend that has better but it’s not really a nice place for a date.”

Shirayuki fingered the napkin wrapped around her silverware. “I’m not really the type to care how fancy a place is, so long as it’s clean.”

Obi’s lips pursed. “It’s not the restaurant that’s the problem. Westened is a bad neighborhood, Miss, you should know that.”

It shouldn’t have been such a big deal, being turned down, especially as gently as Obi was handling it, but she was eager to get to know him, wanted to visit the places he liked, try the food he liked, and she couldn’t help pushing. Shirayuki gave him a wide smile, turning up the charm. “I’m sure you would protect me.”

His face hardened. “No.” He turned to look out the window, brow furrowed and eyes dark. “Not happening.” 

Shirayuki blinked, a bith thrown, and looked down at the table. 

He seemed to sense Shirayuki’s rising disappointment, or saw the way she had flinched at his sharp tone, and softened a bit, voice dropping to just above a whisper. “I’ll… bring you takeout sometime, alright?”

Shirayuki nodded, unsure how to lighten the mood, and twisted her fingers in the edge of the tablecloth that hung in her lap, picking at the stitching with her fingernails until Obi nudged at her ankle with the side of his foot. She looked up.

He was smiling again, eyes bright and the harsh, hard lines on his face erased. “Is that a new dress?” he asked, glancing down.

Shirayuki’s gaze flicked down as well, tracing over the black lace wrapped around her arms and torso, and nodded. “Yeah, how’d you know? Did I forget to take a tag off?” she asked, twisting and turning to check herself.

Obi shook his head, smirking at her erattic searching. “No, I just didn’t take you for the type to keep a dress like that on hand. I wanted to know if you’d had to go on a special shopping trip just for me.”

Shirayuki froze, processing, and leveled him with a suspicious look. “Are you teasing me?”

His smirk deepened. “And if I am?”

Her gaze was steady, challenging. “You’re going to regret this.”

“Oh?” Obi asked, leaning back and waggling his eyebrows. “Why’s that?”

“Because I learned from the best,” she said, unrolling her napkin primly and laying it over her lap, “and you won’t survive.”

Obi threw his head back and laughed.

The waiter came back with their food before he could retaliate, a large bowl of some kind of stew for each of them. They thanked him and tucked in, both groaning simultaneously and grinning at each other across the table. They fell into silence as they ate, Obi with gusto and Shirayuki just as enthusiastic but at a slower pace, pausing from time-to-time to look out the window. The food was good, the view was beautiful, and she wanted to enjoy it.

It was during one such moment that Obi spoke again, jarring Shirayuki from her thoughts. “You look beautiful tonight,” he said, soft and low. “The dress was a good choice.” His eyes had settled on her, warm and gold and burning like embers in the heart of a fire, eager to be stoked.

Shirayuki flushed, breath hitching in her chest, and that seemed to be the first prod to fan the flames.

The light in Obi’s gaze flared, his fingers clenching and mussing the tablecloth. “Shirayuki,” he breathed, voice tight and yearning. 

The way his lips caressed each syllable was sinful, intimate. Shirayuki sucked in a breath and shivered. She leaned over the table before she could stop herself, heart pounding in her chest, fingertips desperate to touch, to drag through the dark strands of his hair, to trace over the soft skin of his lips, to tangle in his shirt and wrench him forward to-

Someone cleared their throat. They both whipped around to find their waiter standing with the receipt book in his hand, the corners of his lips twitching. “Pardon me,” he said. “Your bill.” He laid it down on the table and backed away with a dip of his head.

Obi picked up the book and stood, eyes everywhere but her and fingers drumming. “I’ll, uh, just go take care of this and… pull up the car. Meet me downstairs?”

Shirayuki nodded and watched him walk away, pulling his wallet from his back pocket as he went. Her breath left in a rush, shoulders sagging, and buried her face in her hands.

What was she doing? This was quickling moving past the professional boundaries she had set for herself. And she was really quickly forgetting why she cared.

“Get yourself together, Shirayuki.”

[jaybug-jabbers]

Bug Run 5: A Clean Victory

There was something I needed to do before going any further in this game.

I made a little visit to the Name Rater.

Truth is, I was never satisfied with the nickname I gave my Galvantula OR my Crustle. For Galvantula, it was just such a plain and common name, and she deserved better. For Crustle, her name was alright, but a little too long and awkward to say outloud, you know?

After christening the new names, we were prepared to tackle anything!

However, the moment I took a step toward my next destination, I ran into my rival. The encounter was a tad unnerving, which is the only reason I bother to mention it here. Tonka took care of my rival’s bird with Rollout just fine, so that wasn’t so bad. (Yes, I know. I still had Rollout. What can I say? It takes a while for Scoliopede to earn its better moves, and in the meantime, a rock move really is darn useful.)

It was Emboar that worried me. This was the first time I was facing it fully evolved, and the thing is damn intimidating even for a very balanced team, let alone a mono-bug one. My newly-named Crustle, Gaia, went toe-to-toe with the massive swine, dishing out Rock Slides. Emboar decided to use Rollout and start powering the move up on me. So that was a pretty scary moment. Thankfully, Gaia did not miss any of her Rock Slides, and the pig went down.The last foe, that water monkey, was trivial when I had a Leavanny with Leaf Blade.

The next gym we faced was the dragon-themed gym with Drayden. I noticed there was a big of a level jump with that gym, though, with just the gym trainers outlevelling my team. So I decided to do a little grinding beforehand. In our travels I taught Volcarona Psychic, because at this point, the poor moth’s moveset is still quite terrible. (It still had String Shot and Whirlwind, for pete’s sake.) I also taught my Galvantula Thunder and … well, Flash. I didn’t want to teach it Flash, but I was wandering around a cave attempting to reach some TMs. Sadly, a roadblock prevented me from ultimately getting the TM, but we’ll talk more about that later.

After a little training, the fight with Drayden wasn’t too bad. Ra took out Druddigon with Psychic, Green Bean got a 2HKO on Flygon with Leaf Blade– after a lucky miss with Flygon’s Rock Slide– and Tonka took on the big boy Haxorous with a combination of Toxic and Venoshocks.

After finishing off the dragon gym, we’re treating to another piece of the plot with Team Plasma. Some giant steampunky ship shoots ice cannons at the city, there’s a lot of running around and shouting over some “DNA Splicers,” and lots of grinding on Plasma grunts. The usual.

I MUST take important note of one event that took place in the midst of all this, though. As I was running back and forth between Pokecenters and the Plasma ship, I ran into a random trainer with just a Crustle. And it wiped out my entire team.

The problem had been it got off two Shell Smashes and I hadn’t been paying it close attention and was fooling about. So, naturally, it outsped everything and destroyed us with rocks. Also, I was super dumb and forgot my Galvantula had Sucker Punch. (Look, it was really late at night and I was tired and being stoop.)

Wounded by this experience, I took a lengthy side-quest to grind for Blue Shards by losing many times at the World Tournament (they give shards as consolation prizes) so I could visit the Move Tutor and give my Scolipede Superpower. This is actually only neutral on Crustle and in the end I still needed to use my own Crustle v. Crustle to take care of the foe cleanly, but. Still. Superpower would end up proving very important on my Scoliopede. I suspected as much, as it was excellent coverage for a team largely lacking coverage.

Anyway. I finally reached the Colress fight.

This was a fun one. I had to actually think very carefully about his team. Colress opens with a Magnemite that loves to thunder wave and then Volt Switch. I eventually decided to try equipping Green Bean with a Cheri Berry and getting up a Swords Dance. Then he just stubbornly hacked away with his Leaf Blade. This is a very difficult approach, but it was important for someone to take out the ‘easy’ pokemon so I could save my other pokes for the tougher ones. Colress used a Full Restore once on Magnemite, so after that, I did the same for Green Bean. Then continue with the Leaf Blades. Green Bean somehow barely takes two Flash Cannons to the face and finishes Magnemite off, in red health and paralyzed, but alive. He did a very good job.

Next, Magnezone came out. This one was for Tonka. Superpower brought it to the low yellow, and then Magnezone thunder waves. I have to take a big hit, but a second Superpower takes Magnezone out.

Beheeyem is the easiest for my team to cope with, being pure Psychic with low defense. It does Calm Mind, which can be scary, but I can easily take it out before it does anything awful; Gaia just X-Scissors it to death.

Metang, on the other hand, is not easy. Zen Headbutt messes with Tonka, Meteor Mash cuts through Gaia and gives scary boosts, and the thing has ROCK SLIDE to add insult to injury; plus Agility. With a Steel typing, it resisted a lot of crap, too.The trick, as it turns out, was fucking it up fast and hard with F-Zero’s Thunder before it could do much damage. Thunder brought it to the low yellow and luckily paralyzed it; Signal Beam finished it off.

The ace was Klinklang. I find it odd this pokemon is pure steel when it has so many electric moves, but okay. F-Zero uses Thunder, which brings it into the yellow and paralyzes again (whoo!). Klinklang Shift Gears. I know it resists bug so I need to Thunder again; unfortunately I get the miss. However, the foe gets paralyzed. I Thunder again and finish things off.

It was a good battle, but Team Plasma wasn’t finished quite yet. We run into the true man behind the scenes, the foul abusive-parent Ghetsis, and chase him off his ship and into some backwater cave somewhere.

Then N shows up, there’s some drama with legendery dragons, and Ghetsis is very cranky about the whole thing. Without giving us a chance to even save or anything, he launches right into attacking us.

Not gonna lie, this last fight is exciting and the music is damn good. It feels high-stakes.

Ra was first out, since I’d just used him to take care of Kyurem. He was able to take care of Confagrigis with some Psychics– although we had to get toxiced and put up with a full restore, but held on long enough to take it out. A special defense drop did help us.

Next out was Hydreigon; Green Bean used X-Scissor. After that was Eelektross, and I was fearing the Flamethrower, so I sent out Gaia. It’s a bit rough, with thunderbolts and acrobatics, but it never actually pulls out the flamethrower and I finish it off. After that is Seismetoad; that’s easy as pie with a grass move.

Drapion is out next, and I really want to use Psychic on it, but Ra is pretty weak from his long fight with Confagrigis. I try it out, but he’s outsped, as I suspected. Dang. I send out Green Bean next, and take it out with three X-Scissors.

Toxicroak is handled cleanly with Thunder. And then that’s it!

In retrospect, the battle didn’t give me any trouble. But somehow they still made it feel exciting. Possibly it’s just because I remember the fight vs. Ghetsis from original Black/White, which really left an impression on me.

(Lord N was there to talk to me after the battle. Still love him so much.)

After the Plasma plot wraps up, we move on to Victory Road. And that’s when I run into some trouble.

See, the plan all along had been to add my sixth and final teammember at Victory Road. That is where Durant, a super-late-game bug, hangs out. The problem is, I was playing Pokemon White 2, and apparently they tweaked it so that you can’t even reach Durant until post-game.

That really stinks! I have no idea why they did that, but I decided I wasn’t going to let a technicality like that slow me down. Like previous game runs I’ve done, if a particular version I was playing didn’t technically have full access to the species I needed for a bug run, I … bent the rules slightly.

So we snuck into Clay Tunnel. This trip was only for one thing: capture a Durant. We grabbed the first one we saw. She was lovely, and we named her Kolibri. She didn’t have Hustle, and honestly? I think I’m ok with that. Missing is pretty darn annoying.

Once we had our final team member, it was all about going through Victory Road and doing a little grinding. We met our rival one last time along the way. His Emboar was tough enough by now that it could shrug off Gaia’s Rock Slides. So I went with a new tactic, using Volcarona’s Psychic. The rest was easy enough to deal with. Then it was on to the Elites!

(MIGHTY BUG POWER DETECTED!)

Unfortunately, I made a mistake when I was grinding before facing the Elites. I thought they would be around level 60, so I brought my team all to level 60. As it turns out, no. They were all in the high 50s. So I was ever-so-slightly overlevelled.

Not a huge deal, but it is a shame. I really prefer to never be over-levelled, even by a little bit. Unfortunately there wasn’t much I could do about it.

The Elites were not too hard. Shauntal’s fight was kind of fun. Ra took on Confagrigis with Heat Waves, but got a Spec. Def drop with a Shadow Ball, so I had to switch out when Chandelure came in. I decided to bring Tonka in. As cruel as it sounds, Tonka was kind of expendable against this particular team. I got a Toxic off before going down, though. Ra came back in to blast with Psychics for neutral damage, but unfortunately the darn thing was hitting all its Fire Blasts and it got a crit, so Ra went down. Luckily it was injured enough that F-Zero could finish things off. Golurk was easy pickings for a Leaf Blade, and Drifblim went down to a Thunder.

Marshal fight had Tonka doing some work on the opening Throh. I feared Guts on Conkeldurr, and sent out Kolibri; however, it did not fare well against those Hammer Arms. Thankfully those moves dropped Conk’s speed, though, so I felt safe bringing Ra in, even against the inevitable Full Restore, and I could just Psychic. (See, at the time, I didn’t realize that thing is actually slow as dirt anyway.) The rest of the team was an easy clean-up, especially when Meinshao misses its High-Jump Kick and I put a Rock Wrecker in its face.

It may not be very effective, but nobody’s surviving a boulder to the face at half health.

Since the other two Elites are Psychic and Dark type, I don’t think I even need to bother mentioning their fights. With a full team of Bug types, it was pretty trivial to get through.

The Champion battle was decently difficult, so I was glad it wasn’t too anti-climactic. Tonka used X-Scissor on Hydreigon and managed to tank a Flamethrower– in the very low yellow health, after Leftovers. He finished the dragon off and Druddigon was out next. I honestly forget what I did with that fellah. I probably used F-Zero against him. Aggron was out next, so I went with my special attacker Ra. Heat Wave did a respectable chunk, but Rock Slide was, of course, a death sentence for Volcarona. Knowing that the Full Restore was incoming, I sent Tonka out and potioned up too. Then I used Superpower, which ALMOST killed. Tonka goes down and I clean up with F-Zero.

Archeops is next; one Rock Wrecker is all it takes, after Gaia survives the Rock Slide. Very happy Gaia hit all of her Rock Wreckers when she needed to.

Lapras was a bit of a troll. I sent out F-Zero, confidant in one-shotting the beast with Thunder, but it didn’t quite kill and it used freaking Hypnosis on me. Urgh. Swapped over to Kolibri and took a Surf very badly but finished Lapras off.

Finally, the ace, Haxorous. I sent out Green Bean. It was a tough choice, knowing this thing was probably going to Dragon Dance, and that was pretty scary. She could have easily gotten her late-game sweep if I let things get out of hand; my team was already weakened a bunch. I decided to get a Reflect up. I think that ultimately saved my butt. It did use Dragon Dance as predicted, and Green Bean used one X-Scissor before going down to an X-Scissor of Haxorous’ own. Then I sent the low-health Gaia in. He managed to survive the Earthquake thanks to Reflect and finished Haxorous off with an X-Scissor. (Yes, that’s an awful lot of X-Scissors going ‘round, but to be fair, this *is* a mono bug team)

And that’s it for Pokemon White 2! It was a fun little romp, but I admit it was very easy. I did expect that, though. Oh well! Maybe next time, if I’m hunting for a challenge, I can do that all-Vivillon run of X/Y I keep considering. :P

This is a repost on a new blog. The original post was on Feb 25, 2019.

[raeyvies]

What if MC didn’t take care of herself while V was hospitalized? pt. 4

Everyone is so nice ;3; thank you all again for following this story and anticipating every new chapter that I post! I’m really having fun writing this story and I honestly don’t even have the ending pictured yet. But it’s going to start getting into the good stuff now! 

For this part, I’m alluding to the infamous day 7 phone call because it’s actually really important for a lot of what will happen in the future to MC. Honestly, I was waiting to write this part because it shows MC reaction to hearing V get tortured by Saeran only in this particular story, neither Saeran nor V knew that she had listened in to. I would expect MC to be traumatized after hearing that. I mean it’s a legit reaction to it, soooo enjoy ^^

Pt. 1 // Pt. 2 // Pt. 3 // Pt.4 // Pt.5 // Pt. 6

Part: 4/?

Length: 2776 words

Pairing: VxMC

Warnings: none

Sorry for any grammatical mistakes ^^;;

Four days earlier…

Her room began to feel closer to a prison than a luxurious suite as the doors only opened and closed when Ray entered the room, but sadly he never visited her that day. He left occasional messages that appeared to be caring and displaying concern but MC could not shake off the sense that everything was only a conjured facade. At the edge of her bed, she only waited for any messages to appear. From anyone really. Anticipating a chat room gave her assurance that she was not being forgotten either, but she really would have liked to have the ability to create a chat room herself. Unfortunately, that was a setting that Ray had not set up in her messenger.

Where was Jihyun?

Ever since they met in that control room (at least that was what it appeared to be), he never once appeared, and MC could not help but conclude that this place was far from what Ray explained it to be. Not a single incoming call came from Jihyun, and he rarely entered the chat rooms either. Isolated from the world, MC was left alone to her thoughts that felt more like repeated simulations of the worst possible outcomes.

Something happened to Jihyun. He said he would get me out of here as soon as possible. He said to not be afraid and to keep a level mind but where is he?

Aware that the signal in this whole building was extremely limited, attempting to make a phone call would not hurt anyone, would it? MC’s hope was slowly declining. She was desperate for human contact. For escape. Why did she even let herself be brought to this kind of place?

As though she were a marionette, it felt like someone else was dialing her phone for her. Searching for Jihyun’s number, she barely hesitated to dial it, even though at the back of her mind she was concerned if this would blow his cover as it seemed he was not supposed to be here.

Two buzzes later, Jihyun actually answered his phone—unknowingly actually—but MC did not know what to say. She was so anxious to hear his voice but not in the way that came through to her ears in that moment.

“Haaa….haaa.”

Agony. Torment. That was what she heard.

“Haaa—ugh!”

“Ji-Jihyun?”

MC could only imagine what was happening to Jihyun. All she could picture was him being beaten. Abused. But her palms began to sweat, and a knot formed in her stomach as she heard who was there screaming at Jihyun. That person sounded disturbed and ruined. But all too familiar.

“I… I was thinking of forgiving you, Jihyun, but why do you keep betraying me? WHY?!”

Ray. It was him. It was all an act.

“Saeran—ugh. Stop...ahh—”

It was too much for MC. Because of Jihyun’s agonizing cries for help and for the suffering to end, she was horrified and traumatized. Unconsciously, MC was beginning to shake and tremble out of anxiety upon the realization that she had been so easily trusting of a disturbed man. Ray, or now Saeran, was sick and MC knew that no matter what mask he wore, this was who he truly was. Her heart was racing out of her chest as she believed she would be next and just like Jihyun, that she would be at the mercy of a sick man. However, her body only grew colder as she heard the last of his coughs before Ray commented, “Oh he’s gone quiet again. It's okay. He's breathing.”

“Jihyun… no. Stay strong, please!”

MC cried quietly into her phone. He was her only ray of hope to get out of this building. She needed him to be okay. She did not want to be alone there with Ray knowing that this was not the Ray she knew. This was Saeran and he would no longer be known as his masked counterpart.

A trembling mess, MC stopped the phone call before someone found out she was listening, and soon came to realize that she was holding her breath the entire time. A wave of endangerment collapsed on her as she suddenly was analyzing ways to leave this place. It would prove to be difficult as she did not know her way around the halls, much less find a way down to the first floor and it did not help that she came here blindfolded. Rationalizing flew out of her mind as she went to the window maybe thinking there was possibility to flee through it.

The windows were sealed. There were no latches to open them.

The world was spinning around her and it seemed that her feet were no longer on the group. Desperation proved to be her worst enemy as she could not think at all; it was a trance that she had never experienced in her life. But next thing she knew, she found herself in a corner as though it could protect her somehow, wiping her hands against her skirt roughly and repeatedly, making them red, and begin to show signs of friction burns.

The only thing that broke her out of her trance was Saeran who had been surprised to see in the corner, and stopped her from harming her hands. He was completely unaware of why she was like this but it only pained him to see her like this. It reminded him of when he was a child alone in his room, begging for Saeyoung to come back.

“Don't worry MC. You're not alone. I'm back.”

But he was oblivious, unknowing that he was the cause of her fear even though she continued to push herself further into the wall, panic setting in.

“Allow me to take you to the garden. Maybe it'll clear your mind.”

Nothing could ever restore her stability after having listened in to Saeran’s true colors. All that was in her mind was guilt for bringing Jihyun into this situation but it did not matter because the only thing you wanted was to cry out, hoping that he would hear her. However, in Saeran’s presence, those words would remain locked away.

Jihyun, please get me out of here!

×

Jumin was all but focused on taking down decorations from the venue along with the other RFA members as guests complained as they entered, noting that they was not greeting them rather they were apologizing for not notifying them about the last minute cancelation. One by one they entered, and one by one they left the location, disillusioned. The most possible side effect of this was that the RFA lost their credibility with those who MC managed to invite, but that was a discussion for later. However, what was worse was that the party was sure to make the headlines for its same day cancellation.

The members took turns greeting and apologizing but none of them could deny that it was such a shame that they were unable to hold the party. Jumin especially was upset with the sudden change like Jihyun was when he found out. It was supposed to be MC’s first RFA party and well to them all, it was like an initiation for her. Zen, Jaehee, and Yoosung would have gotten the chance to meet her too but they knew MC was busy watching over Jihyun. Jumin actually had not told any of them of what had happened the night before. Like always, he was amazing at compartmentalizing everything and as much as a priority his friend and MC were, the party was the current task at hand. Her situation would be discussed later.

Against his expectations, the members found at sooner about MC when Jumin had snapped at a guest who was particularly rude, catching the attention of everyone in the venue.

“Excuse me but how many times must I say that two of our members are currently hospitalized! It was all of a sudden and we are simply being considerate of our friends who worked hard to put this party together, especially our newest member who managed to stick to her task with grace despite the pressure put on her; not just that, but the pressure of being inexperienced! So I suggest if you have a sense of compassion and sensitivity, please leave peacefully.”

It was so rare of Jumin to actually let his emotions have the best of him but in that moment, he had to. The amount of disrespect in regards to MC and Jihyun was disgusting to him. Feeling slightly warm after becoming so exasperated, he removed his suit jacket, placing it on an empty table, then pulling up his sleeves. Jumin was always aware of maintaining a professional appearance, but since there was no party occurring, it was not all that necessary.

“What do you mean two members are hospitalized? Did something happen to MC?” At the mention that it was not just Jihyun was not in good health, Zen had removed himself from his task and had to ask Jumin. It was definitely something he was not anticipating but it also made sense to him as to why the party would be canceled like so. In other years, some of the members had not been able to make it to previous parties so what had made this any different?

“She fainted last night because she wasn't looking out for her body yesterday or well even before that. Jihyun called me earlier and said she woke but she's still really weak and couldn't stay awake for long,” Jumin sighed as he leaned against a wall. He was hoping to tell them later but by the looks of it, the members would want to see MC rather than finish up here but he could not deny that he wanted to see her equally as much. “It turns out that she's anemic and she didn't know about it either.”

“Then what the hell are we doing here? Just send out an email or something to the people who haven't come here yet. Seven can do that right?” Zen was dead set on seeing MC as he grabbed his things and was about to leave through the door.

“Jihyun and MC shouldn't have to be alone right now,” Saeyoung also agreed. He knew he should have stayed longer with MC instead of trying to catch the hacker.

×

Jihyun had not been physically this close to another woman in a long time and his heart was racing as this was something he actually missed. Yet it was different from those times that he held Rika so close in his arms in contrast to how he held MC. She seemed so fragile as she laid on her side, snuggled up against Jihyun. Since she fell asleep once again, her hand had never let go of Jihyun’s. It was the opposite that occurred every once in awhile. Sometimes her grip would become tight as though it were a reflex and other times it would be a light and delicate grasp, but it was certainly a sign of improvement. Previously she stayed alarmingly still and unmoving as though she were completely lifeless.

The warmth he felt from MC being in his arms melted his heart over and over while in the back of his mind he was worried that she would end up ruined. It would be all his fault, again, and he absolutely could not let you end up like Rika. Suffocated by him. He convinced himself that this was only for now, this closeness in proximity to MC. Once he saw that she was fine, Jihyun would keep a distance from her.

MC’s stomach suddenly began to growl and as it resonated, she curled into herself as though it would help her cope with the pain of hunger. Again her grip on Jihyun’s hand grew tighter and he realized it was really causing her some agony. He could only think of how long it had been since she ate anything. What if she had barely eaten anything while at Mint Eye? What did Saeran do to her all this time? Jihyun could not bare to imagine what it was like for her in an unknown place.

Listening to the incessant rumbling of her stomach and her involuntary groaning, Jihyun reached for his phone and dialed Jumin’s number. He asked Jumin if he was coming here or not at some point today, and much to his surprise, his friend was already on his way to hospital but still quite a distance away. Jihyun assumed that there must have been many places along the way that sell food, so he asked for a favor and that was for Jumin to buy some seaweed soup for MC. Recalling the terrible food they served him earlier, he would not even consider letting her put that into her stomach. She deserved something much healthier, and delicious after all she had done. And well, soup should be easy on her stomach, considering that it had been empty all this time.

In the meantime while his friend and the rest of the RFA members arrived, all Jihyun could do to soothe her pain was to whisper words of strength and reassurance, wishing for the fragile girl to hear. He was no doctor but he knew that she had to eat whenever she woke up which he was hoping would be soon. But when she started to shiver in his arms, he began to worry for her. As much as he tried to decipher what was happening to her, this was beyond his limit of comprehension. Whether it had to do with her anemia, or something else, Jihyun could not endeavour to find the answer.

If only he knew that MC was fighting off a nightmare in that moment. A nightmare where Saeran had taken over Ray; one where she was left at his disposal to do whatever he would have liked to. It was an undoubtedly disgusting dream. Jihyun would never fathom how deeply scarred she became after that phone call she made to him. A call that he never knew she made and one he did not know he answered.

Fear of what could have happened to her had she stayed any longer in that prison, ran deep into her unconsciousness and no one could possibly know about it except MC up until now.

In the hour it took for the RFA members to arrive, nurses did another check up on MC and Jihyun, and as he had inferred, her health was improving substantially, and that was a sure relief to him. Her shivering had stopped as well in the time being and she was slowly but surely coming back into consciousness. As their friends finally entered the room, Saeyoung and Zen entered making a ruckus before Jaehee hushed the two. However, that was enough to snap MC fully awake as her body gave a sudden jerk. Her breath hitched for a moment and then she coughed slightly. For a few moments she was wheezing while catching her breath but it soon stabled out.

Jumin came in holding a bag of food, just as Jihyun had asked, and he placed it on a nearby table, aware that MC was going to wait a bit before eating. After all, her body still felt numb after not being conscious for about fifteen hours and she would need some adjusting time. After her sudden shock by the Zen and Saeyoung’s inconsiderate commotion, MC found herself still disoriented. Her vision was still coming into focus as she saw a red haired blob come into view.

It was Saeyoung but without his glasses for once. Since the few moments he had been with MC, it was now that he realized how petite her body was, especially compared to Jihyun’s tall frame. But no one in the room could deny that she appeared so fragile and delicate as though anyone’s touch other than Jihyun’s could break her. Softly, Saeyoung placed his hand on MC’s shoulder, feeling a tinge of pity for her given the situation she had gone through. Honestly, he only wanted to make it up to her and cheer her up after so many days of exhausting occurrences.

“MC, I’m so sorry for everything. Just get better soon,” Saeyoung said, his voice much more quiet than when he came into the room.

MC’s vision finally began to clear as she was able to make out Saeyoung’s face, but he was not the person she saw.

Soon, her heart raced and her eyes went wide because the person she saw was Saeran instead.

To be continued...

Pt. 1 // Pt. 2 // Pt. 3 // Pt.4 // Pt.5 // Pt. 6

[barreragraham90]

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