#its gonna be a pain to pack our whole house up tho lol

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

My moms gonna hear back by noon if they've accepted our offer

Im fuckin nervous man

The house itself is kinda small but that backyard makes it fucking worth it

!!!!!!!!

The house!!!!! Has pawpaw trees!!!!! In the back yard!!!!!!!!!

[svtbiasrekt]

NewParent!Vernon

oh mah gawd this is such a late request i am so sorry anon i hope you love it tho :’) Under keep reading since its long af

New parent!Vernon

Oh boy our boi Vernon’s gonna become a dad

You and your husband Vernon were pretty shook when you both found out you were expecting

But it wasn’t a bad shook oh no of course not

It was a super happy shook

Like vernon’s eyes widened but he had the biggest grin plastered on his handsome face

“OMG Y/N I’M GONNA BE A DAD!!!”

“Yes honey you will be a dad” you said as you playfully rolled your eyes lol

Vernon was super enthusiastic so as soon as he finished calling his family and seventeen to deliver the news he wanted to start on the nursery

You and Vernon agreed on painting the nursery a pastel baby yellow color since it was gender neutral since you didn’t know the baby’s gender yet plus it was a nice color

Soon you found out you’d be having a daughter!

And boy was hansol enthusiastic

“I’M GONNA HAVE A LITTLE GIRL!!”

You could tell he might end up spoiling her

Sigh

But aren’t dads supposed to spoil their little girls?

You’re due date was approaching very quickly

You were basically 8 ½ months long when Vernon FINALLY decided to start constructing the crib

And boy was he struggling

You were in the other room when you heard a hushed “oh shit” followed by a crashing noise https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUUUI5EvylY (skip to 3:40)

You chuckled and walked (waddled) to the nursery

And there you saw a collapsed crip with a defeated Hansol next to it

“Do you need help lol?” you asked.

“YES but no i don’t want you to wear yourself out” said Vernon

Aww he’s so sweet

“Don’t worry Y/n i’ll finish this soon”

15 minutes later you heard the same hushed “oh shit” followed by a crashing noise

Oh god Vernon

Eventually he ended up calling Seungkwan to help

Seungkwan was probably the most excited out of seventeen for your new bundle of joy

As soon as Vernon told him the news he literally SCREAMED

Like the other members almost went deaf

Seungkwan even teared up a little since he was sooo happy

So anyway Boo was now at your house and was super happy cause the one and only uncle boo will have credit for helping make the crib

He asked questions like if you and vernon were ready or not and stuff

“Hell no!” laughed Vernon

This boi was pretty nervous as your due date approached

But you assured him he’ll be a good father

He still doubted himself tho :\

After like two hours of more hushed “oh shits” and sassy outbursts at the “problematic crib” the crib was finally built

“Y/N THE CRIB IS DONE!” yelled Vernon

“Yeah after like two million years ughh” whined Seungkwan

You only chuckled tho at the two bffs

Once Seungkwan left hansol became all serious

You were like what’s up?

“I couldn’t even build a crib how will I be a good father!!” asked Vernon sadly

..what

Damn he was nervous

“Hansol just because you can’t build a crib doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad father! you‘ll be the most caring and loving dad i know it.”

“You really think so?” he asked

“Of course”

“Thanksss” he said as he rested his head on your shoulder and wrapped his arms around you

Aww

He was being a lil softie

Anyway your due date came along

Both of you were super nervous but excited too

And all that nervousness and excitement for nothing

You never went into labor!

“SHES LATE” you whined overdramatically

“MY GOD BABY GIRL YOU HAD US WAITING FOR NOTHIN” whined Vernon

“We might as well go to bed” you told your hubby

“Yeah i guess so” he said as he climbed into bed

As soon as you were about to get into bed you felt your water break

ARE YOU SERIOUS

RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY BED (SALAD)

“Oh mah gawd MY WATER BROKE!” you screamed

“AHHH” screamed Vernon

“Uhhh HOSPITAL?? NOW??” you yelled. You didnt mean to sound harsh tho but you were quite in labor and in need of a hospital so

Vernon scrambled to help you into the car and made sure to drive carefully to the hospital

As you were driving you remembered the hospital bad

“Hansol… you packed the hospital bag right?”

“I THINK”

Ok this boi seemed more nervous than you the hospital bag can wait

Anyways

You make it to the hospital and the pain has gotten wayyyy worse

But despite all your screaming

And death grip on vernon

He still stayed with you for 9 fucking hours of labor

As soon as you heard your baby girl cry you saw Vernon’s face relax

And you of course cried at the sound of your baby

Vernon’s eyes were filled with wonder though as he saw and heard her daughter take her first breathes

He then looked over at you overwhelmed

All he could do was mouth ‘thank you’

And then tears flooded out from his eyes as he broke out into a smile as the doctor came forward to hand you your daughter

My god was she perfect

She had your hair color and eyes

She had hansol’s nose, smile, and eyebrows

She was so cute omg

You stared at her for a while and remembered vernon probably wanted to meet his daughter too

So you carefully handed her over to him

The same guy who thought he’d be a bad father remembered to carefully hold up her head and cradled her ever so gently

You’d say he’s got this fatherhood thing all right so far.

And omg vernon was so cute with her

Like he started a whole fucking conversation with her omg

“Hi baby girl! I’m your daddy and that’s your mommy! We’re at this place called the hospital…” and so on

All while more tears streamed down his face

And when she gripped his finger with her tiny hand

It was so precious but kind of hilarious

He made this sob-like kind of noise? It was hard to describe tbh but you giggled

You two were still not quite sure what to name her

Vernon suggested that her middle name could be his mother’s name (cause you know how much he loves his mom it’s so precious)

Btw his mom’s name is Melody

And you agreed with that idea she was a nice lady and obviously Vernon loves her a lot and Melody is a nice name

“Since i picked out her middle name you can choose her first name” said Vernon with a sincere smile as he pat your little baby’s head

That was so sweet omg

You decided to name your daughter D/n because (insert reasoning)

Soon Vernon’s family arrived and were thrilled to meet D/n

His mom really liked her middle name too haha

Your family came as well

Then of course Seventeen came to visit as well!

Seungkwan in particular, however, came in BAWLING

“SHE’S SO PRECIOUS!” he whisper yelled

All of seventeen wished you both congratulations

They were so sweet and already loved D/n

The8, being the artsy photographer he is, offered to take a family photo for you two

And of course you two said yes

And my god that was such a sweet photo

The members who were already parents were like “welcome to the club bro” to vernon

He was officially part of the parent line!

Anyway you two finally got to take D/n home

You “Checked In” to the home together as a family for the first time

“I check innnnn, Chwe house” sang Vernon oh god

You just rolled your eyes playfully at him he was so goofy

It was late like past dinner time and you and Vernon already ate that hospital food which you were tired of

D/n on the other hand was wide awake

You were surprised tho you thought she would be asleep by then but nope

So you and hansol decided to give D/n a tour of the house

Vernon pretended to be the tour guide while you held D/n and followed him

“And over here is the toilet, which you’ll have to learn to use someday” said Vernon

“And finally this is your place D/n” he said motioning toward the yellow nursery

D/n was obviously too young to process all of this so she just kind of stared and squirmed

You noticed Vernon kept staring at his daughter in adoration

“Hansol?”

“Yeah” he didn’t take his eyes off her

“Wanna hold her?” you asked extending your arms toward him

“YES i mean yeah sure!”

He held her carefully and just couldn’t stop smiling omg

D/n let out a tiny yawn so you instructed Vernon to carefully place her in the crib he spent so much time working on

“But i don’t ever wanna let go of her!” whispered Hansol

I mean who could blame him

D/n was such a cute baby

But cute babies need sleep

After explaining that to him he reluctantly placed her in the crib and she fell fast asleep

You both proud parents awwed at your beautiful daughter

“C’mon Hansol lets go to bed”

You two went to sleep

Compared to other babies D/n wasn’t that bad

She only cried like twice during the night

And that was usually for feedings or diaper changes

And you and Hansol bolted out of bed to see what was wrong

You two decided that you would be in charge of feedings and Vernon would be on diaper duty

Within the first week D/n went through so many diapers and bottles omg

Also within that first week you and Hansol were so tired

It was hard raising a newborn and being first time parents

But you two worked really well with one another

When hansol had to go back to work he made sure to ask the ceo if he could leave a little earlier to check up on you and D/n

Ceo said yes thankfully!!

So when hansol would come home early you’d get an opportunity to shower and catch up on sleep while he watched D/n

“Y/n! I’m back!” he’d yell enthusiastically

You were on the couch feeding D/n who ate a lot

“Hi Hansol!” you smiled tiredly

“Lemme take over from here” he said as you passed D/n and her bottle to him

“Thank you so much honey” you smiled and kissed his cheek

“No problem!” he grinned and continued to feed D/n

You went to go shower quickly since its hard to shower when you have a newborn

Meanwhile Vernon decided to talk to his daughter

“So D/n, guess what happened at work today?”

D/n just stared at him with curious eyes

“Uncle Boo thought he could rap my super quick verse in our newest song, but he failed SO BADLY hahahaha”

He just kind of went on talking to her like she was any other person

Even tho she couldn’t understand what he was saying since she was just a week old

“Also D/n, if you have a favorite parent by now, i hope it’s your mom, because she does sooo much here for us”

By this time you had heard what he just said since you just finished showering

“She would be going to work too like me, but she’s staying home to take care of you cause she loves you so much! So don’t give her too much trouble, ok?”

You felt your heart melt omg

Because

AWW HANSOL WAS SO SWEET

And hormones too oh god

You cried a lil but you won’t admit it

So you went to bed in peace and made sure to thank your wonderful husband for his kind words

Man Hansol is such a sweet father and husband you were so thankful

[tylerwritez]

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude