#its fuckin ridiculous bro

[booksbwaybadflower]

googling hyperthyroidism again and learning it's just Fast Disease

[sturnsdarling]

You're much better company, tough girl

fratboy!matt has met his match with smartand'mean'!reader, and he can't get enough of her

vibe check: SMUT, mattthemunch, unprotected cuddle time (I'd tell you to wrap it but i'm not your mother) bigdick!matt, choking, spitting, praise, reader strumming the bean, pet names (angel, tough girl), all that good stuff.

4k words

A/N: This concept was born from and is my take on the wonderful, amazing and ridiculously talented @sturnioz fratboy!matt au, and its also my first fic so, be kind.

love and cigs, merc

The autumn air was cold, and the fishnets on your legs weren’t doing you any favours. you’d snuck out the party to escape the weirdo guy that was basically stalking you since you had arrived. You'd hoped to find your friend, but she was somewhere tangled up with one of the resident frat boys, her shy demeanour acting like catnip to the renowned player Chris Sturniolo. You found yourself outside the front of the house, genuinely considering leaving, but knowing your friend would need company once Chris inevitably got bored of her. From around the corner, you heard  a lighter flick and the deep inhale that normally follows, turning and walking down to the side of the house, you saw a shadowy figure being periodically illuminated by the butt of his cigarette. 

"What're you doin’ out here?" you questioned, walking over to Matt who was leant against the side of the house, trying to escape the "new age, shit rap music" Chris put on.

Matt held up the cig in his fingers and gave you a short smile, before placing the cigarette between his lips and taking a long drag, his jawline becoming even more prominent as his cheeks hollowed slightly. 

"Thought you didn't smoke?" you said, arms folded over your chest as the cold air bit at your nearly bare legs. 

"I don't smoke weed, but, I do love my cigs" He held the open box out to you and you pulled one out, placing it between your lips gently. He brandished his silver lighter in front of your face and lit the cigarette, absentmindedly staring at the way the flame illuminated your features. 

"Chris is the stoner, kid fuckin' loves it" He said as he flicked the lighter closed and placed it back in his pocket. 

"Cigarettes still contain drugs, y'know that right?" You smirked, taking a drag and letting the smoke come out with every word. 

"Yes, smart-ass I know that" He quipped back, "everyone needs a vice, you know?" 

You giggled slightly as his philosophy, "a vice? you need something to help you escape the plaguing reality of being a frat bro?”, smiling as you placed the cig between your teeth and took another drag.

“Ugh, don't call me that" he responded, spitting the foul taste out of his mouth onto the floor, "besides..." He paused to take a drag, "If I was a frat bro, which I'm not, I could have a plaguing sense of reality, frat boys have feelings too you know, kid" he smiled, his perfect teeth almost reflecting the light from the street lamps. 

“oh, do tell, what plagues the infamous Matthew Sturniolo" you grinned at him, rolling your eyes in faux sympathy.

"Infamous? ouch.” He held his hand to his chest, pretending to be offended. 

Pausing for a moment, he looked at you and then to the floor, shuffling where he leant slightly and shrugging his shoulders, "I dunno, l've always got somthin' going on up there" He gestured to his temple with the cig in his fingers.

“But, 'nough about me, what're you doin' out here?" he asked, desperately trying to change the topic from himself, pointing his cigarette at you in an accusatory

"Came lookin’ for you" you said, blowing the smoke from your pursed lips. 

His eyebrows raised at your confession, "Me?" He questioned. 

"mhm" You nodded, taking another drag. 

“Why?” his brows furrowed as smoke bellowed out his open mouth. 

“I didn’t actually, jus' thought you’d like the flattery” You chuckled, ashing your cigarette.

“wow, okay, how tough are you?” He smirked, standing up from his leant position and throwing his cigarette to the floor, just before stamping it out. 

“Me? tough? never.” You said sarcastically, placing your cigarette back in your mouth. 

Matt came forward slightly and pulled the tiny stick from your lips, placing it between his own and taking a drag whilst maintaining a firm stare. You watched him intently, your big eyes burning holes into his as he placed the cigarette back into your mouth. 

“You didn’t answer my question, kid” he said, his tone faltering as he blew the smoke from his mouth.

a long huff left your mouth as you rolled your eyes, “I needed to escape this guy, he was fuckin’ relentless and I was not into it”. 

Matt paused for a moment, still baring down into you, “yeah?” half of his teeth coming onto display as a smirk encapsulated his face, “what are you into?” he asked, tilting his head to the side slightly so he was even closer to you, his breath nearly touching the cold apples of your cheeks. 

As he was speaking you took a long drag, and in response to his clear attempt to rile you up, you blew the smoke into his face with pursed lips and a smile. Matt blinked slowly with raised brows at your bravery, letting the wind carry the smoke from his face. 

“What do you think i’m into, Matthew?” you asked, matching his earlier cadence. 

“I think, you act all tough, but really, you want someone to tell you to sit down, shut up, and to take it like the pretty, pretty girl you are” he said, so non-challant you’d think he was explaining that the sky is blue. 

Your breath hitched in your chest, and your eyes fluttered slightly, not quite fully closing. 

A cheshire cat smile formed on Matts face, he knew exactly what type of girl you were from the moment he laid eyes on you on the first day of the semester. 

“You think I’m pretty?” you asked in a condescending tone, pulling your confidence back, trying to ignore the growing sensation in your stomach. 

Matt simply nodded in response, tucking a messy strand of hair behind your ear and letting his fingers trail down past your neck and over your bare arms. At some point during your back and forth, Matt had edged his face impossibly close to yours, he hooked a finger under your chin and pulled your head up to face him, 

“I think you’re beautiful, tough girl” he whispered, almost into your mouth as it parted with his words. 

With that, you threw your cigarette to the floor and thrust your lips into his, the force pushing him backwards to into the wall he was leant on only moments ago. His hands found your waist, pulling you in tight against him as yours pulled and tugged at the loose brown curls on the back of his head. The kiss was feverish, animalistic and messy, you were positioned snug between his legs as one of his hands found its way to the covered flesh of your ass, he squeezed it with a low growl and slapped it quickly after, rubbing the sting away with a soft hand. The sensation caused you to whimper into his mouth, jolting against him as his hand smacked your ass. He chuckled into the kiss, his hands roaming all the way up your back and into your hair. He pulled you off him with a firm hand wrapped around the back of your neck.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you make noises like that” he dipped his head down, capturing your neck in his teeth and soothing the sting with a flat, warm tongue. 

“Matt” you whispered, your head hanging on your shoulders, resting in Matts large palm. “What’s up, angel?” he murmured from the curve where your neck and shoulders meet.

“I’m not—shit— I’m not gonna fuck you round the side of your house” You manage to get out, slightly distracted by the sensation of Matt nipping at sucking at your neck. 

“Let’s go inside then” You even mentioning fucking him was enough permission to take your hand and drag you inside. 

The music boomed against your skull as he pulled you through the party with your hand in his, both of you ignoring everyone that tried to spark up some kind of drunken conversation. He led you up the large staircase in the centre of the main room, his focus on your destination only faltering to glance at Chris who, had your best friend tucked under his arm on the sofa, the pair exchanged a knowing look and Chris shot Matt a wink, quickly returning his attentions to the shy girl perched next to him. As you and Matt reached the top of the staircase, he turned, pulling you into him for the second time that night for a desperate kiss. This time, he leant down, taking the backs of your thighs in his hands with a tap that you knew meant ‘jump’. You obliged and within moments, you were being thrust into his dimly lit bedroom. He kicked the door closed with his foot, never breaking the kiss, and walked the two of you over to his bed, placing you down somewhat gently onto the brown satin sheets. 

“You’re so pretty, y’know that?” he said breathlessly, breaking the kiss to tear off his red sweatshirt. 

“I think you mentioned it once or twice” You replied, desperately clawing at the back of his neck to pull him back into you, your legs loose around his waist. 

“Such a smart-ass” he groaned, his hand suddenly gripping your throat as he pushed you back down onto his sheets, squeezing the sides of your neck. 

You moaned at the sensation, brows furrowing as your hips involuntarily bucked upwards. Matt chucked at your responsiveness, his hand trailing down your chest to toy with the hem of your top. 

“Can I take this off?” He asked, softly. 

“mhm” you nodded, desperately. 

“Words, angel, I need words” he halted his movements, his voice stern. 

“Yes, Matt, take it off, please”  The pleading in your tone evident, despite your attempt to be moody. 

“Begging already? I knew I’d like you” with that he pulled your top over your head and left you exposed in your lacy black bra, your hard nipples perking through the sheer fabric. 

“Fuck” Matt uttered under his breath, his large hands roaming around your nearly bare torso. 

He couldn’t help himself, he leant down, pulling the thin fabric from your tit and wrapped his mouth around your hardened nipple, grinding down onto your core as he did, chasing the friction. Your head rolled back at the feeling, and as if on instinct, your hips rolled against his. Matt trailed his kisses down your stomach, each one igniting a hot fire all over your skin. He hooked his fingers round the hem of your skirt, still trailing hot, wet kisses down your heaving torso. He looked up at you, being met with your pleading eyes staring down at him.

“Can I?” he tugged slightly at your skirt. 

“yes, please” you nodded frantically, lifting your hips up to aid him in removing the fabric that separated his mouth from your aching cunt. 

“Such a fast learner, such a good girl” he smiled as he pulled your skirt down over your knees, leaving you in nothing but your bra, fishnets and thin black panties. 

“Jesus christ” he said as he perched on his knees by the edge of the bed, “these are staying on” he said, caressing your legs with firm hands. 

He edged his hands further down towards your core, spreading your thighs apart for him as he lowered himself down, hooking your legs over his shoulders. As his hands reached where you ached for him the most, he pressed firm fingers across your pussy, rubbing upwards and finishing his movement with a short circle of both of his thumbs over your throbbing clit. With one quick motion, he ripped a hole in your fishnets, exposing your dripping cunt to him as your wetness seeped through the thin fabric of your thong. His eyes might as well have sparkled at the sight, 

“Look at that, tough girl, you’re all wet over me taking charge” he said, taking a finger and swiping it up the wetness that had collected  at the entrance to your pussy. 

You whimpered, bucking your hips once again at the stimulation, whining slightly in attempts to coax him into touching you properly. 

“I need to taste you, angel, can I?” he asked, like a boy begging to stay up to see Santa on christmas morning. 

“Yes, Matt, please, fuckin' hurry up already” you whine, desperate and aching for any sense of relief from this agonising feeling. 

He didn’t need any more permission, with a low hum (more like a fucking growl), he pulled your soaked panties to the side with vigour and latched his mouth around your clit. Your back arched off the bed immediately, his tongue sending sweet euphoria up your spine as it toyed with your sensitive bud. The moan that escaped you was pornographic, and it only egged him on further. He slipped his tongue into your entrance, lapping at the juices that seeped from your hole as his thumb found your clit, moving in slow circles over the sensitive bud. He moaned into your pussy, as if he was getting off on eating you out, the vibrations from his groaning only adding to the knot growing in your stomach. Your hands found his hair, tugging at the messy brown curls that covered his beautiful face as he devoured you. 

“Fuck, Matt, that feels so fucking good” you cried out, tears pricking at your eyes as he moved once more to suck on your clit. 

His fingers swirled and prodded at your slick entrance, your walls nearly sucking him in as they clenched around nothing. He took your incessant moans as invitation to insert two long fingers all the way inside of you, curling up into that perfect gummy spot as he did. Your thighs clenched around his head, tensing and shaking as he brought you to the edge. He raised himself up slightly, pushing your legs apart with his forearms and pinning you down under his weight, his fingers relentlessly curling into you as he sucked and lapped at your clit, desperate to make you come undone all over his mouth. You tugged at his curls once more, earning a deep groan from him that vibrated around your clit and, that feeling, coupled with the warm pressure of his body weight on your thighs and his intense, animalistic eye contact, sent you over the edge. Your orgasm ripped through you, your whole body shaking as you moaned his name over and over again, bucking your hips up into his face as he continued his pace, mercilessly lapping at your sopping pussy. You started to tether on the edge of overstimulation just as he pulled his mouth from you, his fingers still pumping in and out of your dripping cunt. You stared down at him with fluttery eyes, your fingers caressing his scalp as he helped you ride out your orgasm with a tender smile and tiny bites down the inside of your thigh. 

He pulled his fingers from you and got to his feet, the bed shifted under his weight as he brought himself up to hover over you. 

He traced the outline of your plump lips with the tip of his finger, asking for invitation. You obliged and opened your mouth, exposing a flat tongue to him. 

“Taste how sweet you are, angel. fuckin’ delicious” He said, placing his fingers on your tongue before edging them down your throat, watching intently as you gagged around them. 

He chuckled slightly at your submissiveness, pulling his fingers from your throat and trailing them down your chin. He placed a firm palm on the front of your neck and pulled you into a kiss, his face still wet from your cum. You whimpered into the kiss, frantic hands moving down in between you in attempts to unbutton his jeans. He smiled into the kiss and squeezed the sides of your throat with his fingers, bucking his hips into your hands as they freed him of the confines of the thick denim. He assisted you in pushing his jeans down his legs, not once breaking the kiss as he expertly shuffled them off and kicked them across the room. He crawled back on top of you and pushed you further up the bed, with one hand on the back of your thigh and the other round your neck, he hooked your leg over his waist and began to grind down into your sensitive core, the fabric of his black boxers giving just the right amount of friction between you. 

“Matt, I need you inside of me, now.” you whine, the demand sending shivers up Matts spine as he locked eyes with you. 

“What’s the magic word, pretty girl” He smirked, you rolled your eyes in response and brought your other leg to hook around his waist, your feet locking him in. 

“Please, matt” you reluctantly (you loved it) begged. 

“So good for me, angel” he smiled as your hands snaked their way into his boxers, palming his hard cock. 

Your eyes widened slightly at the size and he noticed, a sense of pride washing over him, “Bigger than you thought it would be?” he smirked.

 A wave of nervousness overcame you but you pushed it down, biting your lip and tightening your grip on his throbbing member, “I always knew you’d be huge, the quiet ones always are” you said, pumping him slowly. 

He couldn’t help but rut into your hand, his head falling into the curve of your neck as he palmed your tit, pinching at your hard nipple whilst his other hand left bruises on your thigh. Small whispers left his mouth and fell onto your skin, his warm breath only turning you on even more. You pushed his boxers down completely and he kicked them off, looking down at where you were attempting to line him up with your weeping entrance. 

“So needy, huh? tough girl? lemme help you angel” He pressed his tip against your folds and aided you in guiding himself into your slick walls. 

The feeling of him stretching you out made your back arch off the bed, your hands flying to the sheets for some sort of leverage. He chuckled slightly, slowly thrusting his leaking tip in and out of you, letting you adjust to his size inch by inch as he trailed soft kisses down your jaw and neck, biting every so often only to sooth the sting with his warm tongue. 

The feeling was euphoric, he was somehow keeping you between feeling completely satisfied and overstimulated all at once. 

“fuck, angel” he drew out, “y'so fuckin’ tight and m'not even half way in— Jesus christ- y'gonna be the death of me” he grunted, capturing your open mouth in a wet and tender kiss, his tongue pressed against yours as he thrusted into you completely, bottoming out. 

You both moan at the feeling, your legs tensed around his waist and your arms found home draped over his shoulders, hands tangled in his hair. 

He pulled out of you almost entirely, still kissing you mercilessly before thrusting into you again, this time with a lot more force. You moaned into his mouth, tugging at his hair to counter the sting of your pussy, blissfully stretched out around him and aching for him to move faster. 

Matt broke the kiss, taking your jaw in his hand and squeezing your mouth open, he gathered a ball of spit in his mouth and lowered it towards yours. You caught it on your tongue and swallowed it with a smile as he watched in awe.

“You’re perfect” he uttered, leaning down to kiss your squished lips before releasing your jaw and earning another smile from you. 

With that, he set a relentless pace, fucking you into the bed with each hard thrust. You moaned out his name, pulling him in impossibly close to you with both your grip round his waist and your hands in his hair. His head fell next to yours, hot breath panting in your ear as he moaned and whimpered at the feeling of your slick walls clenching around him. 

“Fuck matt, you're so big, stretching me out s’much, oh my fucking god” you trail off, your words bouncing with every merciless thrust. 

“Take it angel, fuckin’ take it, I know you can” he panted into your ear, sucking on the lobe. 

He slowed his pace but fucked you harder, each thrust inciting a pornographic moan from your lips. 

“you sound s'good when you moan, so fuckin’ sexy” he groaned, pounding into you harder just to earn those beautiful whimpers from you. 

His tip formed a bulge in your lower stomach, poking out of you over and over again as he hit your g-spot, bringing you closer to the edge for the second time that night. You brought a hand up to his mouth, silently asking for permission to collect some spit from the pad of his tongue, he obliged, biting your fingers slightly before you pulled them from his mouth and placed them down between the two of you, rubbing fast circles over your clit. The stimulation made your walls clench around him, milking his painfully hard cock. 

“Fuck, oh my, fuck, keep doing that, pretty girl, keep touching yourself for me” his command comes out in a near whimper. 

“Matt, m'gonna— “ before you could even finish your sentence, your orgasm hit you like a freight train, your thighs shaking around his waist as white hot tingles covered your entire body, you clenched your eyes shut and all you could see was stars as you came all over his dick. 

“You’re clenching me so hard right now angel, y'gonna make me cum, look at me pretty girl, please, let me see those pretty eyes” Matt rambled as his high was rapidly approaching, his pace quickening as his movements became sloppy, 

“cum inside me, please matt, I need it” you cried out, still reeling in the after shock of your crippling orgasm. 

With your pleading, he realised strings of warm cum inside you, coating your walls as he fucked his seed into you, riding out his orgasm, shaking and trying desperately not to buckle completely on top of you. 

He thrusted in and out a few more times before reluctantly pulling out, the cold air hitting his softening cock as he fell down next to you, immediately bringing you into his side and pulling at your limbs so you were lazily draped over him. 

You laid there, panting in each others arms, both trying to catch your breath as the sound of the party suddenly became more prominent from the other side of his bedroom door. “You” he said, still catching his breath, “are incredible.” He turned his head to look down at you.

“You’re not too bad yourself, Matthew” you smiled, bringing your finger to trace along his pink bottom lip. 

He watched as you admired the plump skin for a moment and with a smile, he bit the tip of your finger. You giggled and pulled your hand from his mouth, resting it on his now steady chest. 

“Can I see you again?” he asked, captivated by the way your face lights up when you laugh. 

“If you actually start coming to classes, you’ll see me all the time” you taunted him.

“Oh, I’m gonna have the best fuckin’ attendance in this whole college” he responded, pulling you fully on top of him. 

You squealed at the sudden movement and shifted to straddle his lap. You sat up, looking down at him as he tugged and needed at the flesh around your hips. 

“They’re all probably wondering where you are” you said, referring to the hoard of people in his home. 

“Fuck ‘em, they’re all losers anyway” he leant up closer to you, a sneaky hand came and wrapped itself around your neck, pulling you desperately close to his face.

“You’re much better company, tough girl” he whispered through a smile before capturing your mouth in a tender yet rough kiss.

[gamblersdoll]

fwb, relationships, small angst, smut. long fic alert, not proof read, some fluff and some jokey jokes :p worked on this since 11 am.

katsuki bakugou didnt do the whole relationship thing. he felt like it was.. too intimate, too intense for him. a mere distraction for him and his career.

he thinks hes the only one who thinks that, seeing how shitty hair and pinky got together. the way that idiot and the emo chick were always together— fuck, chargebolt made her his whole life, which was fucking ridiculous.

he was more fond of the casual fucking, either going on tinder or hinge or whatever fucking apps there were. his account was booming though, several thousand of messages every five minutes. it annoyed him, shockingly.

“dude, can i get a fuckin’ minute of peace?” he barks out, silencing his phone and pinching his bridge.

“bro, you literally downloaded a dating slash fucking app, and you are the second pro hero.” kirishima reminded him, feet on the coffee table and swigging his soda. “get what you paid for.”

“get your fucking feet off’a my damn table, are you a caveman?”

he hated how kirishima was right, thinking he wouldnt get some kind of attention from an app when he was a hero, an attractive one at that.

so he deleted it, he’ll try going out more than possibly be stalked on a dating app.

he hated how every woman threw themselves at him when they saw him, he doesnt like that much attention. even in highschool, it overwhelms him. every girl in this damned bar was all over him.

well… excepting one. which so happened to be you, you just wanted to be left alone and drink to your hearts content. bakugou can clearly see that, and keeps an eye on your for a bit. later on though? oh he’s gotten loose enough to finally come up to you with ease.

“what’cha drinkin?” he asks, an arm supporting his weight on the bar table.. his cheeks were a slight pink, but he doesnt drink enough to make himself so tipsy or drunk.

“strawberry mimosa?” you chuckle, it literally says it on the can. “you must be blind or drunk to not be able to see that.”

an eyebrow of his quirks up, he’s intrigued. “i ain’t drunk, hon’.” he chuckles, “and do you even know who i am?”

“even if you are the ‘great explosion murder god, dynamight,’ yer off duty.” you snark back, hearing a baritone laugh come from his throat.

“and how would you know that?”

“well, pretty sure they wouldnt let you drink onna’ job.” you retort, turning to him now and crossing your legs. you hear a ‘yeah?’ and you nod.

“you sure, sweetheart?” he asks, taking another sip of his ‘oktober fest’. he sees you nod, and he hums. “how are you so sure?”

“pretty sure its common knowledge, but, common sense aint common no more.” you pull the final last word, dynamight nodding and tilting his drink to yours. you both clink your drinks together, holding the eye contact that he initiated.

the drive home was hell, the way he had struggled to keep his eyes on the road, your foot sliding across his lap and feeling him slowly get solid by the second.. you were a little vixen werent you? and to open the door without dropping you was more smooth than anything.

he practically ripped your clothes off, a nipple becoming his first victim and you arching into his mouth. he chuckled, youre so sensitive, arent you baby?

god, he hasnt had a good pussy in a long time.

his body molded into yours, kissing your neck and then lying you down and dragging his tongue down your supple skin until he got to your ankles, then back up to your nipples.

he never kissed your lips though, yet, he also didnt taste you.

the crack of the morning dawn showed its ass bright and early, your frame still within the bed and he was on the other side. interestingly, you both groan groggily and flutter your eyes open, head peering up and looking around.

lucky for you both, you werent hung over. you both peak over to each other.

one blink, two blinks, three blinks… bitch, say something!

“uh—“ you both say, redirecting your gazes and chuckling.

“you wanna go or me go?” he asks, watching you point to him and he nods. “did you like last night?” he asks, just a common courtesy to ask. he sometimes cared. it just depended on how you were in bed.

“i liked it,” you said, getting up and putting your panties on. “i did sleep with the second pro hero.”

he hums only.

“did you walk or drive to the bar?” he asks, pulling up ‘uber’ and looking to you. you mutter a ‘walk.’ and you give him the addresses to your house.

“you just randomly give out your address?” he asks, an eyebrow raised and hes hunched over.

“you just sleep with random people you dont know?”

he sucks his teeth, “you got such a mouth on you.” he taps on the confirmation button, “your uber will be here in thirty.”

“you seemed to love it last night, dynamight.” you glares at you for a second, you putting your dress back on and smirking. “but thank you, sir.”

sir?

you both make small talk, until the uber gets here and dynamight walks you to the car. he leans against the door frame, watching you strap in and take off.

katsuki bakugou wasnt a relationship type man. no, those were distracting and too intense for him. but yet, he invited you over again after exchanging numbers.

this was just casual sex, nothing more nothing less.

“you mean to fuckin tell me—“ he cuts himself off, pausing the show that you both were watching. “you ain’t never had your pussy eaten?”

“well.. no? thats bad?” you ask, taking a sip of the apple cider he brought from his fridge. “you cant get mad either, you haven’t either.”

“i had eaten something spicy, you want burnin’ pussy?” he retorts, taking a sip of water to cleanse his palette. “dont answer that, just lie the fuck back.” he shakes his head, softly pushing you back.

“sir, yes sir.” you joke, feeling his body weight hover over you and kiss your neck. you moan, feeling your shirt be pushed up and shorts be pulled down. he kisses your inner thigh, licking a long stripe up your bare clit— you pulling back for a second.

he peers up at you, heavy and lidded eye’s looking at you. “you good?” he asks, pausing all movement. you nod, feeling him hum and then slowly and softly kiss your clit again. you settle down, moaning his hero name, thats all you know him by.

“call me katsuki, hon’.” he mumbles in your pussy, spreading your lower lips apart and putting your clit in his mouth. he suckles on it like the sweetest candy he’s tasted, his cock starting to get harder by the second.

your breath is starting to hitch, a hand flying to his hair and gripping at the root. he grunts, eyes rolling back for a second and then hips bucking into the couch.

“fuck— mhm.. pull my shit, baby.” he groans, moving down your slit and putting your legs onto his shoulders. his tongue alone is making you clamp down on nothing, he can feel it.

your hips move on their own, grinding down against his lips and chin and he lets you use him, use him to make you feel good and cum on his face like no other. he takes pride in this, being the only one whos ever made you writhe in pleasure because of him.

“go ‘head, come on my face, mama.” and that only set you off, legs trying to close as your orgasm ripples through you in waves and he laughs, rubbing circles in your clit to add more to it. you try to close your legs, you try to push his hands away, only for him to swat at them. “aht aht, dont you fuckin’ go anywhere.”

you lie limp, feeling drained and youre trying to come down from your high and how good it feels to be devoured by him. “you said.. katsuki?” you whisper, and he finishes cleaning up the spit that dribbled down your cheeks and up your back.

“yeah.” he reiterated, pulling your shorts back up and patting your clothed cunt, watching you jerk.

katsuki bakugou wasnt into relationships, no, fuck that. he wasnt into the intense stuff and was damn sure not really intimate.

but yet, he finds himself liking the little things on social media, primarily tiktok. he hates the way people look so happy within relationships, some of them even being heros in different countries or even just here. but, he hates the way it gives him ideas, and brings a smile to his face.

ping!

he looks back at your messages, a small smile on his face and he feels his heart race—

the fuck was his heart racing for?

“do you want to go out for dinner tonight?” he replies back, feeling a pang in his chest, but it wasnt out of fear or anything. he watches the three bubbles pop up, and your response is all he wanted to read.

‘sure, surprise me.’

and he does, taking you to a michelin starred restaurant and making you order the most expensive thing. because he would feel bad if he only order the most expensive things, right?

“do you like it?” he asks, cutting into the steak that he ordered and watching you eat your food.

“yeah, i do. i just sometimes eat slow.” you reply, him nodding and then tapping his foot. “do you mind if i take it home?”

“… why would i be mad if you took food home, stupid?” he asks, like you just asked him if he claps with shitty hands.

“just askin..” you say, watching him wave over the waiter and ask for a box and the check. “we can split the bill if you want.”

he darts his eyes back to you, scrunching his face up and giving you a once over.

“what?”

“split the bill?” he asks, making sure he heard you right. you nod, and he nods with you. “give me yo fuckin’ wallet.”

“because i asked if you want to split the—?”

“did i speak japanese? give me your damn wallet.” he snarks back, snatching your wallet from your fingers and putting his metal card on the check book. “some damn split the bill.”

“well sorry..” you mumble, putting the left over food in the box.

“you can tell me how sorry you are later when we get home.” he suggests, an eyebrow raised at you and a smirk. “you can choose how much to tip.”

“deal.”

both of you could barely get up the stairs, him slamming you against the walls of the corridor that lead to upstairs, but hes already on his knees and shoving your panties to the side, spitting and licking on your pussy.

“wrap this around— yeah, good job.” he praises, holding you up by your legs and thrusting into your soppy walls. “fuck, yer tight tonight.”

your fingers pull at the root of his hair, open mouth moaning against his neck and kissing at it. you feel his groans reverberate in your body. “katsukiiii..” you moan, biting your lip.

“yeah, yeah, yeah, there ya’ goo..” he strews out praises, pressing his head against yours and kissing your neck back. “make me proud, thats it.”

“gunna cum.. gonna cum, kats—“ you say, feeling you clamp and feeling your walls contract against his walls of the house. he grunts, spilling his seed within the condom and growls in your neck.

“hey.. katsuki?” you asked, lying next to him in his bed. he opens his eyes, looking down to you.. “can i ask you something?”

“ask away.” he says, patting your rear and focusing in on you.

“why dont you ever kiss me?” you ask, he furrows his eyebrows, leaning up a bit.

“i do kiss you?” he retorts, something that he doesnt understand. the fuck were you talking about? he kisses you.. he kisses your neck, your head, your fucking pussy for crying out loud.

“yeah, everywhere but my lips.” you reject, sitting up and watching his movements.

he tilts his head for a bit, clicking his tongue. “thats just too intense and intimate for me. and, quite frankly, im not into it.” he admits, then he watches you frown. “what you frowin’ for?”

“we are literally laying in the bed, in nothing but boxers and a shirt and panties.” you remind him of your situation, the fuck did he mean it was ‘too intimate?’ “how can this not be intimate, but a kiss is?”

“this..” he circles to you and himself, “this is just casual fucking.” he tries to remind you, but he starts to grow agitated when you get up and start clothing yourself. “the fuck you doin?”

“this is just casual? but yet you took me on a fucking date.” you say, growing agitated and frustrated yourself.

“that was dinner, not a date.” hes starting to get annoyed, thats why he didnt do this shit often. “i am in no fucking bounds to you, youre not fucking special.” he says, running his fingers through his hair and breathing through his nose.

you stare at him, putting your shoes on and then grabbing your purse. “youre right, im sorry.” you say, grabbing your phone as well and then looking back to katsuki. “ill see you later, ‘kay?”

he stays quiet, getting up to open the door for you and then closing it behind. “for fucking christs sakes..”

he goes back to the king sized bed, closing his eyes and turning the television off. this night already went to shit, and he just wanted to sleep it off.

he wakes up the next day, he’s got another two hours before he goes into patrol. he figured he could just text you to come over, its a new day and apologize, have you stay for a couple hours until he came home and fix something.

“hey, you wanna come over and talk about it?” he typed, sending it to you and waiting for your reply.

twenty minutes had past, its weird. usually youd be up by this hour, but eventually you did respond a thumbs up, and he tided up the living room and waits on you.

“hey.” he gruffly says, letting you in and closing the door behind you. he smells something strong. “did you use incense or some shit?”

“no, its body spray.” you say, plopping on the couch and he smells it again, then it wakes him up even more.

“you wanna try again?” he asks, folding his arms and holding his scowl. “did you just come from someone else’s house?”

you stay quiet, staring at him. the fuck did he want from you?

“you fucked another guy?” he asked again, caging you in and staring into you. “because im not in the fucking mood for these fucking games.”

“am i not allowed to?” you ask, getting to his level as well and then matching his scowl. “im in no fucking bounds to you.”

“so you want to be fucking petty, thats what the fuck this is?”

“to the fuckin’ t.” you respond, grabbing your things and shoving past him. he grabs your arm, pulling you back and staring into your soul.

“who the fuck was it?”

“none of your fucking business, i didnt ask you about the bitches you be fucking that’s not me.” you retort, but it only deepens his scowl, into a face filled with venom.

“i dont be fuckin other bitches.” he growls, then scoffs when you laugh softly. “the fuck is funny?”

“you dont be fuckin other girls?”

“why the fuck would i?” he asks, putting his hands in the air in confusion. “you think i just spread my legs to anyone and everything?”

“wow, i must be so special to know and have that.” you snarkily say, walking to the door.

he groans in agitation and yells. “bitch, fuck you!”

“fuck you, too bitch!” you shout back as he makes his way to you and you slam the door behind you.

the fuck were you both even arguing for?

bakugou wasnt the same after that, he was more stressed at work, feeling the after effects of the argument and not hearing from you in weeks. its shown in the way he fights the villains on the job, a tad bit— no, alot more aggressively than usual.

and he wasn’t going out anymore, just work, gym, then home. he wasnt in the mood, he felt… alone, depressed, like he was missing something.

he had everything that hes had, so what could possibly be fucking missing?

he scrolls on his timeline, seeing that you posted another story at work. he felt his heart pang, a knee bouncing, and like he wanted to reach out.

was he seriously missing you right now?

he sucks his teeth, his head dropping and he’s feeling like such a fucking idiot. he felt it, like he couldnt go a couple of days without you. he needed relief, a certain one.

you both meet up at the bar, the same very place you met and then flirted hard. he watches you sit down, a new dress, huh?

you looked so damn gorgeous, it genuinely pissed him off.

“what do you want?” you ask, telling the bartender for a strawberry mimosa, your usual.

“i..” he tries to say, he hasnt done the whole ‘im sorry’ thing since highschool. “i was wrong.” he admits, staring back at you and watching your face. “was wrong fer callin’ you a bitch, and saying you werent special. and fer gettin’ mad that you slept with someone else.”

“hm.” you hum, tapping your foot and holding your drink. “ill let you in on a secret through the grape vine.” you say, watching him raise a single eyebrow.

“i didnt sleep with some other dude, it was your old cologne.” you say, watching his face contort into confusion. “you showed me an old cologne you used to wear when you were scrolling on tiktok with me. you were half asleep though.”

it all finally clicks when he remembers, and he rubs his face in pure embarrassment and anger. “im going to fucking kill you, bitch.” he says, not truly angry, but embarrassed.

you laugh, and his chest feels less tight. “im sorry for doing that, just tried to show you that what you said wasnt cool.”

“i respect that.” he says, drinking his moonshine.

“thats such a bitch drink..” you watch him swig, and he growls.

“says the one drinking a gotdamn mimosa.” he retorts, and you both finally have a good laugh after about thirteen minutes in.

he feels good, better.

katsuki bakugou wasnt the relationship guy, its too much for him.

but with the way he has you laying ontop of him, a discarded used condom in the trash bin next to his bed. he liked where he was at, the way the sun shined on your face and skin.. he pondered at the earliest hours of the morning. he didnt have to work today, that was good for him since he had you to spend time with. might even a plan a date for you tonight—

a date? the fuck?

he feels himself inclined to you, watching tiktok on the lowest volume so you dont awaken. he keeps seeing these couple tiktoks, watching how they go from tinder, to being married and shit.

could.. could that happen to you? he feels sick, like he was getting clammy and his heart pounded, a imaginative feeling that he finally proposes to you, gives you a couple brats that run around the house he just bought—

…aw fuck no.

“which dress fits me more?” you rummage through the hangers of dresses in the store, he only watches you and picks one out in particular. a split thigh dress with sleeves, since it was about to be fall. “oh, so you want my ass to fall out?”

“your ass aint going to fall out.” he chuckles, pulling it and putting it against you. “youd look good though.”

“would i really?”

he tilts your head up to his, looking into your eyes instead of your soul this time. “always.” he watches you get heated in the face, pulling away out of flustering and scramble to the next aisle.

once you finally start to check out everything, which was just a mere dress that he suggested and some more shirts, you pull your wallet out, just for him to slap it out of your grasps.

“the fuck?!” you say, picking it up and the cashier was already inserting his card.

“told you that when youre with me, i pay.” he reminds, taking the receipt and bag and then holding the door for you.

“did you have to slap my wallet out my hand, though? couldve been robbed!” you say, putting it back in your purse and grumbling.

“anyone trying to rob you infront of me is just stupid.”

“i guess..”

eventually when you got home, katsuki put the goods down onto the couch and then headed to the kitchen, cranking up the flames on his stove. “oh em gee, youre going to cook for me?”

“why did you say it like that, you dumbass?” he turns to you, a confused but laughing face. “yes, im cooking. you need to stop eating out as much.”

“i eat out maybe twice a week.” you say, and he purses his lips. “what? you saying im big?”

“i did not say that.” he growls, tossing the pan and sautéing the veggies. “what?” he asks, seeing your concerned face.

“you have no care for your pans or pots..” you say, watching his shrug and mock you. “on tonight’s episode of hells kitchen..”

“gordon ramsey wouldnt last thirty minutes with me.” he comments, shaking his head and sighing. “im the best cook.”

“no objections.”

and he was, making you a chicken bowl with rice, sautéed vegetables and toasted brioche bread. “thank you, katsu.” you say, the nickname rolling off of your tongue and you didn’t really think of it, but kissing his cheek.

he freezes, staring at you and an eye twitches.

“…what? did i have to brush my teeth after every meal too?”

“katsukii katsuki katsuki!” you moan out, legs pressed to your ears as he pounded away into your cervix. he growls into your ear and pulls you back up, flipping you onto your stomach and wrapping his arm around your throat, holding you in a headlock.

he groans, drilling his cock into your gummy spot that made you see stars like no other. this was more rougher, deeper, and fast paced than any other of your fucks. this one felt.. different.

all because of a fucking kiss on the cheek.

“katsuki!” you squealed strained, eyes rolling back and gritting your teeth trying to endure his cock inside of your fluttering walls.

“fuckin cum, beg me to let you cum.” he growls with venom, and desperation runs him completely now. he hears you, crying out his name and then fucking him back. “fucking god—hah!”

you cream along his shaft, his cock starting to twitch and he drags you up again, putting you back into missionary to slip away into your spasming cunt to just still inside and keep going.

“k-katsuki what are you?—“ he cuts you off by crashing his lips onto yours, a pang into your chest and arms wrap around his neck to pull him closer. he groans in the kiss, stopping his hips.

he pulls away, looking down to you with a narrowed gaze. “what?” you ask, his face getting a little bit softer.

“i dont want to just casually fuck with you anymore.” he says, getting closer to you. “think… think im in love with you.”

“..so.. because i have sex with you, youre in love with me?” you ask, his face dropping and he flicks your head. “ow— fucker!”

“no, stupid..” he says, “i like the moments we dont fuck. like dinner dates and the.. domestic shit i guess.” he says, biting his lip.

“so you admit that they were dates?” you snicker, and he chuckles in defeat.

“whatever you wanna call them, baby.” he says, but puts a hand on your cheek and. “i love you.”

you try to take it serious, but one factor. “can you tell me this without your cock being in me?” you ask, he shakes his head and pulls his hips back, allowing you to sit up.

“love you.” he says, his heart beating out of his ass.. or so it feels like it.

“i love you too, dummy.”

“now you fuckin ruined my moment.”

[cathartidae]

TOP TEN HYMENOPTERA

AS RANKED BY ME, AN UNQUALIFIED TUMBLR USER WHO LIKES WAUCE

this is for you @hawkpartys

NUMBER 10

AMERICAN WINTER ANT- they have funny asses. thats how i tell em apart compared to all the other ant sp in my area. big ass (src)

NUMBER 9

GENUS EUSANDALUM- this is mostly bc of hazes comment on it. quote "ma'am not to like profile you or anything but this is an oak and you are a small wasp. i think i know what you're here for. (src)

NUMBER 8

EURYTOMA- i cant actually give you a proper image of this one i wanna talk abt since the sp split is still in progress. however they just look ridiculous. girl ur ass (src)

NUMBER 7

SUBFAMILY GONATOPODINAE- why do you look like that. (src)

NUMBER 6

TRIBE THYREODONINI- just look at this thang. what a creature. gongeous (src)

NUMBER 5

BLACK GIANT ICHNEUMONID WASP- i nearly excluded this one bc i was like "ohhh theyre too basic". ichneumonid wasps. basic? bro 90% of people have never heard of the cunts man. anyways 10/10 love these guys. (src)

NUMBER 4

TRIBE PEPSINI (TARANTULA HAWK WASPS AND ALLIES)- i realy couldnt not include these theyre just fuckin gorgeous man (src)

NUMBER 3

CHRYSIS CHROSOSTIGMA- literally gongeous. all jewel wasps are my faves tbh theyre just so pretty (src)

NUMBER 2

VELVET ANTS- oh yeah you have a taxa thats mostly known for their wings? NO fuck you. wasp ant. its like an ant but its actualy a wasp. hell yeah. i wanna see one so bad the horticulture prof at my college says she sees em in the garden sometimes (src)

NUMBER 1

CICADA KILLERS (GENUS SPHECIUS)- i just love em. theyre so ridiculous and really really gorgeous. truly truly the creatures of ever.

HONORARY MENTION

gall wasps. bro you are so fucking ridiculous HWY DO TYOU LOOK LIKE THATTTTT my favourite things is to find oaks and look for the silliest galls on em. i founf one called a yellow wig gall. fucked up (src)

[ultram0th]

31 Days of Derek Hale

Day 20: Jock

Info │ 01 │ 02 │ 03 │ 04 │ 05 │ 06 │ 07 │ 08 │ 09 │ 10 │ 11 │ 12 │ 13 │ 14 │ 15 │ 16 │ 17 │ 18 │ 19 │ 20

Derek sighed as he walked into his bedroom for the night, feeling incredibly drained from his argument with Eli. “I just don’t get it,” he huffed, throwing himself down onto the bed in a huff. “No matter what, we just can’t seem to see eye to eye.”

Stiles frowned and ran a caring hand over his husband’s chest. “He’s a jock,” he said. “All his high speed brain can focus on it sports.”

Derek frowned deeply. “I guess,” he growled. “I just wish that I could understand him better. Like, as if we were on the same wavelength.”

Derek lied back and rested next to Stiles, having trouble sleeping due to his fight with his son. He and Eli had been fighting with one another lately, usually due to typically father-son issues, such as Eli letting his grades slip due to his intense interest in sports, which tended to lead to Derek threatening to pull Eli from whatever team he was on that month. His son was a total jock, something that Derek didn’t really experience while in school.

As Derek drifted off to sleep, he felt his limbs tingle, his mind constantly wishing that he could understand the jock better…

The alarm blared, and Stiles sleepily slapped it silent.

Derek stretched his muscled arms above his head, yawning loudly as he woke up. As he moved, his face scrunched up as the stench of musk and sweat hit his nose, emanating in waves from his hairy pits.

Even Stiles could smell it with his dulled human senses, jerking back and plugging up his nose. “Damn Der,” he gasped, “no offense, but you reek.”

Derek felt his face grow warmer as he blushed. “Yeah, Bro,” he heard himself balk in his deep voice, “I must’ve worked up a big sweat last night.” Derek was puzzled over how deep and slow his voice sounded, and the way he’d called this husband “Bro”.

For a brief moment, Stiles scrunched up his brow in confusion, but it smoothed out rapidly as a small grin formed on his face. “Typical jock,” he lightheartedly laughed, slowly getting out of the bed to get ready for work.

Jock? Derek puzzled over what Stiles had said as he got out of bed, his body automatically lumbering towards the dresser. He yanked open the top drawer and paused as he was greeted with an array of jockstraps— his boxers nowhere to be seen.

As if his body had a mind of its own, Derek felt his muscled arms move and snatch up a jockstrap. He yanked the small garment on, the pouch filled to the limit with his massive cock and balls while his perky ass bubbled out the back.

“Don’t you want to take a shower?” Stiles asked, the tone in his voice indication that he’d hoped that Derek would listen to him. 

“Nope,” Derek heard himself scoff, answering without any thought of his own. He even leaned down and sniffed at one of his stinky pits, the musky stench filling the confines of the bedroom. “I’ll be fine. Besides, I’m gonna get all sweaty at practice anyways. So what’s the point?”

Practice?

Derek was so caught up in his odd behavior that he’d barely noticed when he’d opened up another dresser drawer, grabbing a football jersey. He yanked the tight garnet on, noting how his muscles pressed against it, illustrating his athletic prowess. Next, he grabbed some small workout shorts that only came up to mid-thigh and were so tight that his butt and package pressed noticeably against it, almost as if they were on full display.

When he looked at himself in the mirror, Derek inwardly winced at the dim smile on his face. He still looked the same, with his mature and masculine beard that had flecks of gray in it; however, he felt ridiculous being dressed up like a total jock, feeling childish.

His body evidently wouldn’t let any of his inner turmoil show as he lifted up a buff arm, flexing a large bicep. “Damn,” he heard himself say, “I’m getting fuckin’ huge, Bro!”

Despite himself, as Derek flexed in the mirror, he felt his cock start to stiffen within the confines of his tight jockstrap. The pouch tented outwards as it struggled to maintain his meaty cock, looking as if the werewolf was smuggling a summer sausage in his pants. Instead of blushing or trying to conceal his package, Derek felt himself place this hands on his hips and shove his crotch forward expectantly.

“Hey, Bro,” he said, “I’m so fuckin’ horny. Wanna help me out?”

Stiles smiled at his husband, chuckling as he shifted off the bed. “Damn, Der,” he laughed, “that thing’s always cocked and loaded.”

Always cocked and loaded? Derek’s eyebrows rose as new memories filtered into his foggy head, being filled to the brim with Derek being hard and rutting against whatever crossed his path. The stud was always incredibly horny, his cock seemingly rocketing straight to attention after a few moments after cumming. He wanted to blush at the image of himself sauntering down the street in his tight jerseys, his hard cock pressed tightly against his thick thigh for all to see.

Derek’s frantic thoughts slowed down significantly as his husband dropped to his knees in front of him, wasting no time in taking in his full member.

“Oooh!” Derek loudly bellowed, his deeper sounding voice bouncing off the thin walls in the house. “Yeah, suck that cock, Bro. Bet it’s the biggest ya ever had!” The normally silent werewolf couldn’t keep his mouth shut as he was sucked off, moaning loudly and cockily bragging about his cock. No matter how humiliated the alpha was over his uncontrollable behavior, he couldn’t help but bask in the warmth of pleasure that washed over him. All of his panic was momentarily forgotten until all of his ample muscles tensed up. “Uunghh!”

Derek cried out as he came, shooting what felt like the biggest load of his life. He was left spent and trying to catch his breath as Stiles stood up and went about getting ready for his day at work.

“Thanks, Bro,” Derek heard himself say. “I gotcha next time!” Already, at the mere suggestion of sucking off his husband, Derek’s cock plumped up and it took him a few moments to realize that he’d been absentmindedly fondling his hard bulge after tucking it back into his jockstrap.

As the werewolf continued with his morning routine that didn’t involve a shower, he couldn’t help but wince whenever he lifted his arms and his musky stench would waft out from his pits, smelling as if he’d just finished a killer workout at a crowded gym.

Derek walked downstairs and paused at the front door where Stiles gave him a quick kiss. “Can’t forget this, Coach,” Stiles said, handing Derek a silver whistle attached to a small chain necklace.

Derek was confused over both the whistle and why Stiles had called him “Coach” for some reason. However, the confusion quickly vanished when Derek realized that he no longer worked at his auto shop but was instead a coach at Beacon Hills High School. His stomach dropped when he tried to recall the massive amounts of paperwork that were supposed to be waiting for him on his desk at the shop, all of them detailing receipts and parts on orders; yet, now the werewolf’s muddled brain struggled to comprehend what all of those numbers meant. He paled even further when his knowledge of business management wasn’t the only thing gone. In a panic, Derek’s eyes darted around the house and sure enough, simple items seemed to be way beyond his mental grasp. For example, although he’d used it hundreds of times before whatever the hell happened to him, Derek stared at the coffee maker that was in the kitchen, unsure what all of the buttons meant… luckily Stiles was there to help him out since he was such a dumb jock.

Derek inwardly flinched at that last thought, recalling the stupid wish he’d made last night. He’d wished that he could understand jocks more.

Now Derek was a dumb, horny jock.

His days were filled with nothing except working out, playing sports, and fucking. That’s all a dumb jock like him was good for.

Still, Derek put the whistle around his neck and puffed out his large pecs against his tight spots jersey. “Thanks, bro,” he dimly smiled before leaning forward to rut his hard cock against Stiles’s thigh. “You gonna come during my lunch break to help me out with this?”

“Of course,” Stiles said, resting an admiring hand on Derek’s bicep, which the werewolf flexed out of instinct, “I can’t have my big jock going too long without any release. Poor guy would be all pent up.” He mock frowned, a hint of playful condescension audible.

Derek’s foggy mind didn’t pick up on it, and instead he just smiled back widely. “Yeah, Bro,” he agreed in his deep voice, “if I don’t cum at least five times a day, I can’t think well.” He paused at the odd words leaving his mouth, but then the alarm on his phone went off and he perked up. “Oh shit. I’m gonna be late! Love ya, Bro!” He kissed Stiles on the cheek before hurrying out of the house and lumbering towards his Camaro, his hard cock tenting out his tight shorts.

[sapphicdib]

Your cycle consumes itself. What have you become?

(ˡᵒʳᵉ ᵈᵘᵐᵖ ᵇᵉˡᵒʷ ᶜᵘᵗ)

SO THIS IS MY INV VS SAINT AU!! It started as a shitpost and uh. Spiralled. Out of control. And now it’s genuine lol.

Enot and Saint are basically mortal enemies, and Saint needs to get Enot OUT OF THE CYCLES in order to continue his work, because this damn horny bastard won’t stop hunting him down…for some reason. Isn’t ascension the greatest gift you can bestow upon the creatures suffering in this barren wasteland? At least Saint thinks that. Inv, on the other hand, does not.

Enot stumbles upon Pebbles while passing through the silent construct, trying to find food one day. He takes a liking to this half-dead pink toaster, bringing him scraps of fabric as blankets and lanterns, and the best part…talking to him. Inv, somehow, can talk to iterators. And despite Pebbles’ very limited ability to reply, he does appreciate the company, and slowly the cycles become less agonizing. Pebbles has a friend. However, when Saint finds him, his immediate reaction is to attempt to ascend him—and he is tackled by a very angry slugcat, hissing and spitting at him in defence of its friend.

When Saint attempts to ascend him, he misses, just barely clipping Enot’s tail and glitching him half-out of reality. He then realizes, to his horror, that his karma seems to be draining. Whatever the hell this thing is, it’s dangerous, and Saint retreats to restore his karma (and heal some of the nasty wounds Enot gave him).

Inv turns back to see Pebbles, staring at him in pure fear, before he simply whispers out a “Thank…you…”. And that’s when Inv makes it his mission to save Pebbles (and everyone else) from Saint.

This leads to Inv running around the map, hot on Saint’s heels, trying to get any and all the iterators to figure out a way to get off their damn strings and LIVE again! Most of them are collapsed or semi-collapsed, so it’ll be an uphill battle, but when a glitchy, teleporting slugcat with the ability to speak tells you to do something…you’d be kinda inclined to do it.

Anyways the reason Enot can’t be ascended is because he is happy to give in to every single one of the great taboos. Wrath, Lust, Friendship, Gluttony, and Self Preservation. He revels in them. And if he can help the others experience them, and become happy with living again, they’ll be immune too! Also he is ridiculously OP to the point of him basically just having DevTools active because I think it’s Funny. He can glitch-teleport and drains the karma of beings around him. He also talks super casually and I think it’s funny.

A little bit of their dynamic hehe:

“Hey, pal!”

“I would like you to stop calling me that, please. You may call me the Saint.”

“Ahah. Not happening.”

“You are incredibly disrespectful.”

“Hey man, I’m not the one calling myself a saint but then running around killing shit and acting like it’s a good thing.”

“You use such vulgar words. I ascend beings, freeing them from the torment of these endless cycles. It is my purpose.”

“Even the ones who don’t want to go? Bro, you don’t even ask. The last robot you almost merked was screaming “no wait” at you, and you still think you’re in the right here? You’re not some kind of righteous saint, that’s called being a fuckin��� serial killer.”

“You do not understand what you are talking about!”

“Whoa, buddy! Are you gettin’ mad? Ain’t that…a lil taboo? PFFT look at your face!”

“I am not tolerating this any longer. Goodbye.”

That’s all I can think of rn! Send asks if you like!

[quodekash]

yeah so im gonna make my silly little commentary posts for we are sometimes but not all the time

he stared at his friend's water and started smiling like a fucking idiot 💀

h2o just makes him giddy like that 🥰

also I genuinely fucking adore Pham and Fang's dynamic, they care about each other so much (I might cry)

I JSUT FUCKING LOVE HIM SO MUCH CAN YOU BLAME ME

im sorry, i cant get over the fact that q fuCKING SANG SOUND’S SONG FROM MSP IN THE THIRD FUCKING EPISODE OF THE SHOW

HES JUST SO SMOL I FUCKING ADORE HIM SO MUCH DUDE

here to pick up his twink

HES JUST SO SMOL THO LIKE CAN YOU BLAME ME???

I JUST WANNA RUFFLE HIS HAIR AND PINCH HIS CHEEKS HES SO FUCKING ADORABLE

i think i just really love satang cos during msp every time sound was on screen i lost my shit and now every time toey is on screen i lose my shit

btw i fully had to rewatch that entire scene, i was entirely focusing on satang’s little adorable fuckin face that i forgot to read and process the dialogue lmao

his expression is like “did you bring me here to do your chores, or are you gonna be honest and just say you want to makeout"

the real answer is just that he wants to spend time with him btu doesnt know how to do that normally 💀

(and also that he wants to make out with him)

WHY IS EVERYONE SO FUCKING SMOL TODAY

HES TINY

HES THIS BIG 🤏

OML IT HAPPENED FOR LESS THAN HALF A SECOND BUT I PAUSED IT AT THE EXACT PERFECT MOMENT

I genuinely adore accidental kiss tropes in bls, its just so unrealistic its fucking amazing

[insert image of phum's friends walking in here (I had to delete some of my screenshots because I can only do 30 and I dont want to do more than one post for this)]

AND THEN HIS FRIENDS WALK IN, CLASSIC

it's so awkward and I am LIVING for it

people in bls always walk in at the WORST possible moments and its AMAZING

THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS SO RIDICULOUSLY FUNNY TO ME

phuwin’s character trying to cook is so me

and also my sister, one time she was making spaghetti bolognese for us for dinner and she put way too much salt, and then to attempt to solve the problem, she put water into the pan to "evaporate the salt" 💀

the best part is I didnt even realise why that wouldnt work until my brother started laughing

anyway, back to the ep

WHAT DRUGS ARE IN THIS EPISODE TO MAKE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CHARACTER SO BABYGIRL

THEYRE ALL SO SMOL AND ADORABLE AND BBG WHAT IS GOING ON

HES SO TINY

Youre fucking KIDDING

IM SO SUDDENLY INVESTED IN THIS MAIN COUPLE

THAT WAS SUCH A SUDDEN SWITCH BRO

literally last week I was like "yeah okay I like it" and then suddenly im on the verge of tears when they make physical contact???

[insert image of pun eating]

PUN !

MY LITTLE GUY

I ADORE THEMMMMM

oh fuck yes I love this friendship already and it just started

AND CHAIN'S GETTING JEALOUSSSSS FUCK YEAH

they look like tired dads fr

is phuwin just fuckin short or is pond like 3 metres tall cos holy shit

LOOK AT HIM

SMOL BITCHES

EVERYONE'S FUCKING TINY TODAY

woah he really just went for it there

HOLY FUCK HE SAID YES

TAN IS LOSING IT HES SO HAPPY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

great frame

[insert that entire scene with the jump onto him and the holding hands and the FUCKING CHEEK KISS]

HES MY LITTLE FUCKING GUY

HES SO NEURODIVERGENT AND I ADORE HIM

KICKING AND SCREAMING MY FEET RN

he's jealoussssssss

I love pun so much, I truly would die for him

Welcome back to another episode of Toey Thinks Peem And Phum Are Dating (And He’s Right)

Im gonna be completely honest, if pond looked at me like that, id probably do whatever he tells me to without a second thought

thats all im saying

LOOK AT THAT LITTLE FACE

HES SINGING THE FUCKING ABAAB SONG

IM CRYING DUDE THIS IS AMAZING

ARE THEY JUST GONNA SING SONGS FROM OTHER BLS FOR THE QHOLE SERIES? IM FUCKIN DOWN FOR THAT DUDE

this song is so out of winny’s range tho 💀

so fucking SMOL

also chains hand just always naturally rests on pun’s shoulder

literally all the time

what im saying here is I think they should kiss

HE DIDNT JUST GRAB HIS WRIST HERE HE GRABBED HIS HAND ERIJKGBNREJB HOLY SHIT

Cool! 👍

im glad they finally got there

FUCK YES NEXT EPISODE WE'RE GETTING THE SCENE FROM THE PILOT THAT MADE ME LOSE MY SHIT

PUNCHAIN FOREHEAD KISS AND QTOEY CHEEK KISS BITCHES

okay now I just have one final question before I take my leave: what the FUCK was the song playing in the background of the qtoey scene near the end of the episode

it was just electric guitar and I KNOW recognise it but I cant figure out what fucking song it was (literally I finished the episode at like 1:30 but didnt go to sleep til 3 because I was trying to find the song)

so please, if ANYONE recognises it and knows what it is, tell me as soon as you can cos Im fucking dying

update: a moot is pretty sure the song played over other qtoey scenes earlier in the show (the same way msp did with noelm) so now im fuckin PSYCHED for the new song that’s gonna come out eventually

[iiapple]

do you hate knife as a character or what the fandom/his relationship with suitcase has turned into /genq

both

theres aspects to him i enjoy though usually its paired with another character's interactions with the general juvenile violence in season 1 - early season 2. knife and trophy's whole deal is so ridiculously stupid its laughable but in an enjoyable way where im kinda entertained. it can make for a lot of funny interactions that are just jabs at one another (and trophy getting the short end of the dick which is always funny). he and pickle are fun too even without the romancey shippinf component, they can be at a base just stupid gay bros that chill. while he was caught up in mic's business and did lend a hand in her arc, i do prefer how it is now where again, its just slight jabs and non melodramatic fun (add in soap to grill his ass, soapmic knickle video game sesh and soap is crushing everyone at it like hell)

however its the push of him needing to be this "philosophical deep guy who analyzes everyone correctly and its soooooo interesting how much hes changed" that really irks me. because i honestly dont buy it and just see a man who self pities under the guise of "learning and growing i help others now because ive changed". hes like balloon to me in that sense except hes able to keep it composed and together without becoming outwardly desperate. its honestly irritating how much of an involvement he has now and again, how much of a push there is to him being in the top 2 after "all his growth". i just dont give a fuck. why should i give a fuck about a man who burnt and harassed and bullied and tortured a woman in season 1 for fun, and had others try to join in on it too? and the GALL of him to even apologize to marshmallow for it too LOOOOOL... "ohhhh poor me im sorry marshmallow for hurting you before" pussy couldnt even state what he did to her, weak ass self fellating apology im SO glad marsh didnt accept it and was NOT kind about it in front of him. she shouldve start throwing rocks at him. all this "change and teaching" i will never forgive that man for what he did to women

not to mention, how practically of little to no help he was towards suitcase who, was dealing with bigger issues than he was as if hes fuckin get it. such bullshit advice and "lessons" hed tell her when its like dude, shut the hell up!!! youre saying the dumbest shit and still pinning it all against her somehow when shes been tossed around her supposed alliance because those 3 idiots couldnt get shit together for once. that AND her psychosis coming onto the foreground of it all of course shes not gonna talk about it further because you keep pushing in shit that she has no fault in, as if shedve trust you with that. its sweet that theyre working now against everything now but god lol, i just dont buy their newfound ammends and friendship of sort personally

what the fandom has done is REALLY hyopcritical. now im not gonna say its every single person who does this, nor am i a fan of monolith-ing (?) a group of people because of a common pattern, but its just really REALLY funny seeing people going after pairings like lairy or whatever saying its "proship" while shipping a man who has a history of violence on women with a psychotic woman who he has offered piss poor assistance to in the name of his own weird beliefs of changing and helping. idgaf for discourse around a bunch of pixels over trivial shit that really isnt THAT big of an issue (lairy discourse), especially because well, theyre wrong as fuck, but how are people gonna say one thing then turn around and do The Same Shit under another flavour. knifecase is such a kick in the balls to women and another example of how fandom greatly prefers men over women WHATEVER the situation is. theyll fawn over a man whos done shit and think "yeah hes my poor onglydoople poop. only HE suffers in this work of media" while greatly ignoring the issues the women in the same piece of work deal with by writing (misogyny) and circumstances (misogyny again). this world is founded immensely on misogyny and we're never getting the fuck out of it and while yeah im ranting about object character violence being sexist/misogynistic, you gotta get that its all a repeated pattern of these behaviours these mentalities this culture. you can argue one thing about writers intentions and beliefs, we dont know these people well enough to point fingers and label. however, how are YOU digesting it? shitting it out? what is your overall take and without using gay fandom buzzwords and misogynist thinking describe the women in the show (rhetorical)

[skaruresonic]

Honestly, as fun as it was to go "Jesse what the fuck are you talking about" at the absurdity of fandom tourists who refused to engage with canon in good faith, it still felt like people explaining the nitty-gritty of how and why Freemance "didn't count" as pedophilia were giving the antis too much ground. Like they were implying there was a point that any given HL ship could be considered too problematic to defend.

As someone who ships Valhoun, which could arguably be considered more problematic than Freemance in this system of moral checks and balances by mere virtue of Barney actually being in his forties or so (although even that is debatable tbh), as opposed to Gordon's Schroedinger's Creepy Old Man Status, needless to say, I found the whole thing ridiculous.

To me it doesn't really matter even if Gordon was 47, because Half-Life exists in a context where real-life social mores don't apply as stringently. Humanity is on its last legs and Eli wants grandkids, yo. I have argued in the past that age gap squicks would likely lessen out of necessity following the Combine's breeding suppression. People need to procreate in order to repopulate the species, after all, and beggars can't be choosers. Kleiner said "get busy fuckin' or get busy dyin'" for a reason.

However, I'm not terribly keen on Freemance because Gordon's blank-slate status means I'd have to make up his characterization in my head, and it just doesn't seem worth the effort. I always feel like I'm shipping a dozen different versions of Gordon rather than Gordon himself. He also... just doesn't react to Alyx, making their chemistry incredibly lopsided. At least Barney goes "Eugh" when Alyx teases him about "not being an animal person"; Gordon just presumably stands there like :I when she cracks her Zombine joke.

Despite lifting somewhat in recent years, fandom has an ironclad "Barney is Alyx's uncle/big bro" fanon, which is just as annoying as "Shadria is incest" because it basically sprang out of nowhere. Canon seems to imply that Barney and Alyx are acquaintances at best, not terribly familiar with each other outside of their faintly overlapping social circles. Kleiner is honestly their only link. Barney, in fact, has less reason than most other older male characters to be considered one of Alyx's honorary uncles. At the very least Alyx suggests the possibility Gordon may have seen her once as a child; no such equivalent exists for Barney. The idea he babysat her is also hilarious considering he never even directly addresses Eli in HL2. On top of that, there's the issue of infantilizing Alyx, which I could rant about for hours. Yes, Valhoun may be just as "fanon" as Uncle Barney headcanons, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking in terms of the series' overarching context. I view Valhoun as a sort of push-pull dynamic between Barney and Alyx, duty stifling love and placed inside a pressure-cooker of sexual repression. Hot. Plus, there's that forbidden fruit aspect of rebel/Metrocop lol. And while I would in a perfect world like to see the two be together, given HL's bleak world, realistically, I don't see it working out. Not even in an "Alyx dumps his ass for Gordon" kind of way, necessarily, but in a "they break up out of fear for each other's safety but there are still lingering feelings if they gaze in the other's wake for too long" kind of way. I have also argued that all three major HL ships bear imbalances. Valhoun does not suffer the experience gap that Freemance and Freehoun would; Barney and Alyx would have shared roughly the same life experiences under Combine rule that Gordon lacks.

[lovelyrotter]

I read your thing about stridercest. I didn’t super like the ship (I’m more of a lalondecest girlie) but I respect the hell out of the textual analysis you did. Anyway do you have any good fic recommendations? I want to see what you see in it.

oh fuck yeah i love sharing ship stuff especially with ppl who dont usually go here and vice versa for me. its like hell yeah im digging in sand and its fun i love my sand and then i turn around and woah i had no idea there was even MORE sand just behind me ya dig? that might not have made any sense hahaha. its the joy of trading pokemon cards except with ships

but okay heres some of my current faves. bear in mind i read mostly M and E rated stuff but ive got a sprinklin of lower ratings in here too. im also gonna categorize this list by stridercest flavour. theres a lot so this turned out like ridiculously long

anyone else goin through this feel free to link yalls faves in the replies too cause im ravenous. especially if its haldirk. im constantly craving haldirk

guardiancest

doku line terminus & two steps away from the county line by lildogie these first cause theyre my ultra faves rn and i cant get enough of this au. set in the same universe but county line is the prequel. a/b/o verse with lotsa interesting political stuff and also interpersonal dynamics. dave & dirk are there too and are real cute. its also got mysterious time travelling. i really cant sell these two enough like i am not doin these justice

davedirk / dirkdave

if i woke up next to you by bumbly | G, ~2,700 words, complete. SUPER sweet relationship study, made me fuckin melt. this author has really good stuff for other ships too but mind the archive warnings

dont joke about hentai face broctopus transplants im eating cheese n onion pringles here by smrtnik | M, ~1k words, complete. this one made me fuckin melt its so tender. it truly feels like were peeking into their life together. also great title

Stasis State by Caeslin | T, ~3k words, complete. another really intimate feeling one. its so fuckin sweet. mind the tags for typical dirk suicide attempt but its not on screen its moreso the recovery and how dave is affected by it

“stupid fucking bullshit” ad nauseam by anon | T, 13.7k words, complete. REALLY GOOD AU. trans striders, fade to black sex scene. the boys are cute and you can feel how much theyre drawn to each other immediately. wish there was more of this

sometimes the bad guy wins by nutrimercenary | E, ~7.5k words, ongoing. wow. oh wow. ive been looking for a davedirk fic like this for a long time. PLEASE read the warnings and tags but its so fuckin good. a crossdimentional narrative tug-o-war between dave and ult dirk i fuckin love it

got it goin on by bumbly | E, 7.5k words, complete. dirk indulges daves mommy kink after prying it outta him. its cute and funny and sexy it made me smile. their dynamic is sooo sweet

helping hands by ghostlyAnarchist | E, 5.1k words, complete. THIS IS SO GOOD. its got trans man dave and is genuinely one of the hottest transmasc fics ive read so far and boy howdy ive read a lot. slight warning for dysphoria discussion but its not too bad its all just hot af a dick-sucking venn diagram by Elendraug | E, 10k words, complete. first off domestic af. very established relationship and you can tell. its so fuckin sweet. i looove this one. its like the best kind of silly realistic smut its one of my faves of all time

STILL WITH ME by egbert | E, 8k words, complete. dave and dirk strife and then fuck in the bathroom. holy shit this is hot. their want is like tangible in this one

brodave and a!brodirk

hardware by orphan_account | E, ~8k words, complete. dave gets some dick piercings and bro goes insane about them. hot as hell and also features bottom bro which is my fave. its got a couple uses of the r-slur but its also from 2011 so i take it w/ a grain of salt. 2011 and earlier fics are like internet artifacts (/pos)

but you better never pull it by hapaxlegomena | E, 5k words, complete. wow. WOW. sub top bro and dom bottom dave need i say more. this sub bro activates my cute aggression the power play is great mars & murrie's by orphan_account | E, 6.8k words, complete. a!brodirk, omorashi. super hot!!!! alpha dave is sooo embarrassed about his piss kink but dirk wins in the end hahaha. really intriguing which i know sounds funny on an omo fic but read it and youll know. i love this alpha dave

temporal sunset by Plajus | M, 19.5k over 5 chapters, complete. a!brodirk. holy shit what a ride. this one held me hostage and now lives in my brain rent free (bdum tiss sorry). dirk is terminally ill so i know it wont be for everyone but give it a try and goddamn you wont be disappointed. trust me

a swinging pendulum by ghostlyAnarchist | T, ~900 words, complete. a!brodirk time/dream bubble encounter. wow just wow. the want. the yearning immaterial by LPSunnyBunny | E, 1k words, complete. a!brodirk, trans dirk. holy shit!!!!!! holy shit!!!!! hot hot hot!!!!!!! shower sex sensation control!!!!

haldirk

singular by 2x2verse | E, 6.8k words, complete. hal has an existential crisis dirk catches him and then they fuck tenderly about it. genuinely so romantic. im addicted to this kind of haldirk. honestly i just recommend the entire series diagnostics by 2x2verse | E, 2.9k words, complete. i know i just linked this authors whole collection of haldirk fics but holy crap this one in particular. dom/sub electrostim with sensory deprivation, hal is the dom. i LOVE how hes written here. very attentive domming, great details

A Fatal Error Has Occurred by Mortior | E, 42k words, 4/5 chapters. oh mortior my haldirk regent. really fuckin good character writing in an au where hal has an android body before the alpha session is started. read the tags for warnings. the tension between them is insane endangered by Mortior | E, 100k+ words, complete multichapter. holy fuck where to begin with this one. this is a haldirk sensation. post apocalyptic au where androids won the human-robot war. dirk runs into AR. AR takes an interest in him. dirk takes even more of an interest in AR. if youre gonna read any haldirk read this one

"im basically fucking him" series by Elendraug | T & E, all complete. so!!!!! fucking!!!!! tender!!!!! really cute haldirk progressing through their relationship

ridiculously late by cinnamonfreak | E, 21k, completed multichapter. a/b/o au where dirk suddenly presents. REALLY intriguing hal in this one i fuckin love the power play

roboporn by smrtnik | E, 3.9k words, complete. really fun power play in this one. hal is waterproofed externally but not internally. he gives dirk a handie over his open chassis torso. theres also really sweet snuggling afterwards

[wheatnoodle]

i hate to say it, i hope i don’t sound ridiculous, i don’t think steve owns and wears exclusively polos and that yellow sweater like y’all seem to say he does

bro just write him in a TSHIRT. IT CAN BE PLAIN ITS OKAY. but really? polos and khakis all the time? party boy steve harrington? have we considered that we saw him dress all fancy in s1 was maybe he had basketball shit after school? y’all never saw the guys teams have an away game and need to wear fuckin button downs in the middle of math???

DRESS HIM UP!!!

[magicrainbowkitties]

Hey so friendly reminder that yeah it's dangerous and people will kill over it, but at its core bigotry is actually very fucking silly. Goofy even. Stupid and shameful and deserving of ridicule and clowning.

Like wow you really think that people who have a different skin tone than you aren't actually people, and in fact that it's the "natural order" of things for you to at worst own them or at worst subjugate? Bro wtf is that shit. Like literally they disprove that shit by. Existing. How do you convince anyone when this is, bare bones, the argument. Clownery.

Oh, trans women are actually men pretending to be women so they can... *checks notes* attack "real women," trick men into sleeping with them, and groom children? And trans men are "lost lesbians" being tricked into "giving up their fertility?" WHAT!? Do you people even hear yourselves?

Let's see... oh my favorite! Apparently, according to the rising tide of the alt-right, the best way for humans to be governed and organized is to kill, convert, indoctrinate, and/or otherwise do away with those who think, look, act, or speak differently than the way a handful of people (who have not met and never will meet a grand majority of those under their power) think they should be. For real? Omfg fascism is literally disproven by the simple fact that LITERALLY NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON ON THIS PLANET THINKS THE SAME WAY. It's so inherently foolish that I have to wonder why people want it so bad.

These issues in our world are, obviously, multifaceted and complex, and pointing out that they're silly is not gonna fix the issue overnight. It is also important to remember that vulnerable people have been, are, and will be killed for these ideologies, and fear of them and the people spewing them are entirely warranted.

But it's also important to remember that these vulnerable and marginalized people just wanna live their fuckin lives. And they're being denied that because some clown with too much money and power is being fucking stupid because the idea of being around different people scares them.

That. Is. SILLY.

And when confronting these bigoted beliefs, when fighting those who cannot be persuaded, it is important to remember that 1, shame is a powerful tool, and 2, they're fucking idiots who don't wanna change because they've never had to.

[yandere-monoma]

should i be insane and start the kill your masters commentary now

i am gonna be insane and start the kill your masters commentary now

hi this will contain spoilers for the killswitch au which imo is fine because i have no intentions of writing it in its entirety so HSJKFGFG

god. rose strider.

rosie rosie rosie rose strider UUUUUUGH.

fun fact i actually attempted to go off about all this weeks ago but tumblr deleted the fucking draft but now im drunk (or i was drunk when i started this at 1am and now its fuckin noon LMFAO) and trying again so LET'S GO!!!!

so. actually. my iteration of rose strider was first sparked after reading BGB by MermaidMayonaiise oh god bless tf out of them

like, guardianswaps is an ancient concept in the fandom so it's not like i've never considered her or any other strider kid before but GOD. this one line from BGB absolutely blasted through my soul:

You never knew her, but a Rose Strider would have been a killing machine. Considering the multiverse, she exists. Just not in any timeline that matters.

as i lovingly say in the comments of that fic, i literally copypasted that line to every hs friend i know. it drove me crazy

it'd still be a couple of weeks (months?) after reading that fic that i actually conceptualized her, though. rose strider was born via the homestuck renaissance chat which i will reference 6738459634563456 times in this commentary because killswitch would not exist without it. the renaissance chat went off with a million and one headcanons about a million and one different guardianswaps and my impulsive ass couldn't help but actualize them in some sort of written form, complete with ridiculous long ass plot and even a couple of sburb sessions that i'll never write cuz it'll take me years. like. the ideas were just so good.

ironically, our first official swap we discussed was actually john strider, who i hopefully will get to at least allude to in the next iteration of killswitch, along with dave lalonde (WHO I FUCKING LOVE AAAAA), jade egbert and rose harley... then we actually discussed jade before i finally revealed how insane i was about rose strider rose rose rose rose ROOOOOSE

from that first initial outline to the first chapter of kym, it took about two months of plotting and dragging through drafts which is CRAZY cuz it rly does feel like time has fucking flooown by. a lot of that time was also dedicated to the first installment of killswitch, which got interrupted because the third chapter of kyd got tragically deleted and i've never recovered and i only recently healed past the hurt enough to start to rewrite it. god. trauma.

anyway.

before i get to the first chapter, i wanted to talk about rose's initial concept as a strider and what it meant. as i've said 738596356 times already, nature vs nurture was how i approached every placement within the au. it was very important to me to blend every character with who they initially are in canon and who their guardian's influence turned them into. this made for an incredibly fun process that lent itself to a pretty easy formula characterization-wise.

for example, rose strider's excessively extreme experiences with self-harm are born of rose lalonde's early act 1 habit of engaging in empty suicide threats towards her mother. i took that tendency to act out and cranked that fucker up to 11 because there is nothing passive aggressive about how bro raised dave.

every killswitch character features this pairing blend approach to their writing. jake lalonde, for example, inherits roxy's hyperactive silly energy, though he lacks the grace, ease and confidence to carry it out without stumbling. however, rose is especially special because i wasn't just trying to blend rose and dave. because of rose's identity blurring motif, i had to build her up using elements of rose AND dave AND dirk AND, most importantly, bro. that made her, honestly, really fucking hard to write because i still wanted her to be recognizable enough, while still sounding like a carbon copy of bro, simultaneously perfect and flawed all at the same time. and, ngl, it's super interesting to me, the way she deviates from the formula and refuses to follow the easy pattern i followed for literally every other character in the au. it's just so fitting for her to fuck with the meta like that JSKFG

anyway LETS START READING

fucking with the commands was actually a last minute choice done right at the very final edit. so much of the narrative fuckery that happens in kym is very on the spot, lots of last minute decisions that start with the impulse of 'oh shit yknow what'd be cool' and end with a big ole internal ramble of what it could all ~represent~

in this case, i thought this was nifty, i've been using this same one fuckin glitch generator for YEARS at this point: but also, i think it was a fun way to allude to her classpect, even though it's never really discussed outright

yeah see this was actually supposed to be a description of her room but in the very last draft as i was cleaning it up i saw this section that i still had to write and went nope. JHSKFGSDFG which is hilarious to me because doing so literally transformed how i approached the rest of the piece. originally this chapter really was supposed to just be a pretty direct copypaste of act 1, but god. GOD i'm glad it isn't. i've had so much fun with this style and it's so amusing to me that i have laziness to thank for that JKGFG ah yes the creative process

facts about john harley and his first conversation with rose!!

i suck at chumhandles and enlisted help from the renaissance chat for a lot of them. other handle options suggested to me at the time include: garrulousGallivant, groovyGallywag, galleyGaffer, giddyGelogenic (this was in second place to me i rly loved it sob)

(rose's handle was incredibly easy in comparison, largely because i hardly put any effort into it. i just wanted something suitably edgy and what could be edgier than naming yourself after genocide HJGKF)

his initial character premise:

the hardest part about starting the fic where i did is that there was just so much imagined backstory for rose and so little time to actually get to detail with it. the purpose of the first few pesterlogs with john and jade was to establish something that honestly i don't think got as much spotlight in the fic as i would have wanted: the fact that rose strider is a compulsive liar who actually tries her hardest to seem normal to her friends, both out of habitual manipulation and out of a subconscious urge to escape her life. it's an attempt to sprinkle her with the void traits that she clings to at the beginning of her arc (guess what her classpect is >:3) before embracing what she really is, but damn. if i could have, i would've written 100k of cute casual conversation with rose seeming like the sweetest most thoughtful friend in the world, only to reveal what she's really like

anyway! we get to see her make up a life for herself first through john, as she lies about going to school when ngl i don't think she's been since like. idk. the 3rd grade. GJKFLGS

this is always an interesting pesterlog to reread remembering how much i fucked with rose's dialogue jesus christ. i did NOT want her to sound like herself in the rougher drafts. she was honestly just a straight up blend of bro and dave, very casual, very ramble-y, however at the last second, i incorporated a touch of her usual more formal vibe/dialogue. again, because i was blending four different characters rather than two, it was difficult to find a balance i really liked. i definitely got there eventually but. hoo.

ro-stri originally used to copy the punctuation of anyone she spoke to. there are still aspects of this in the current draft, rose plays along and sprinkles more exclamation points in than usual to match john's hyperactiveness despite the fact that she feels like roadkill atm. however, in the end, i thought it was a little too subtle and wanted her to have a more uniform sound to her, rather than disappearing into anyone she encountered.

john harley thinks the funniest possible thing to joke about in the world is the fact that he's pretty much a feral kid who has never touched humanity and thus doesnt know the most basic things. he does this 9356354963 times a day. he loves playing dumb. in truth he's experienced a Lot through movies but sometimes he simply cant resist the urge to pretend he doesnt know what a fork is. jsdkfgsfg he was such a delight to write, jesus christ.

despite rose's attempt to fade into the background a little, all of her friends depend on her massively to fill a hole in their lives, which she ends up using to further manipulate and control the topics of their conversations. for john, he's just so incredibly hungry for what life in the real world is like. so rose fabricates a normal school life for him. and she's not even doing that for him. it's completely coincidental that they both just desire the same thing of each other and ngl i really adore and am fascinated by their dynamic. johnrose fuckin sneaks up on me i SWEAR.

rose calling herself a bishounen is the first hint of her weird gender fuckery. it is a hilarious hint that i'm so very proud of cuz it's so dumb HAHAHJKFS

john's flirtiness towards rose is inherited by (epilogue) jade's sexual promiscuity and slight pushiness towards the people she's attracted to. it also just seemed like so much fun lmfao it rly snuck up on me as i was writing and i couldn't help but go all in once i realized what was happening. like, john really does just find one bad joke (usually at someone's expense) that he really likes and does it over and over and over and OVER cuz so much of the joy for him is knowing that he's the only one fucking laughing and that everyone in the vicinity wants to throttle him. but they can't :P

someone tell me why :B emojis are so cute. the very first time i went >:B as john harley i went oh no because i fell so hard at that point HAHA

jade lalonde!!

can you believe this is the first time i've ever written jade in my life jesus fucking christ

other chumhandle option: tipsyTurvey

rose's canon handle is a pun that fucking murders me every time i acknowledge it and i desperately wanted a cute pun for hers. i am bad at puns. i am so very bad at puns. telekineticTactoe is the first pun i've made in all my decades of living. i am so proud of her fucking handle jesus christ GHJFKGS

something that's fun but also agonizing about pesterlogs like these is, again, i don't really get the chance to explain things. so much show, so little tell, which works out great for the narrative but makes the part of my brain that built up so much of the world pout so much. so i never actually go into detail about the fact that the 'update' jade is working on is to a webcomic that she has picked up and abandoned 87593456 times. this is seen more in her later conversations but one of jade's whole shticks is that she has tens of thousands of hobbies and she can't commit to a single goddamn one. she is absolutely CRUSHED by how much she wants to have a perfectly successful career like her mom. everything she tries just isnt perfect enough and it frustrates her endlessly. she is so so very cute i love herrr

it is SO fun discussing the lalonde issue through someone who is earnest and honest about their feelings and who airs them out the second they feel them. it's so fun to interpret some of the issues rose perhaps had with her mother, while also just poking at issues i think would have just. always bothered jade because of the type of person she is. she is going to be an incredibly fun perspective to write through the rest of the au and i rly hope i can figure out a way to focus a fic on one of her iterations one day

jade having a having a habit of traumadumping and rambling was supposed to be a play on just how excessively wordy rose can be. idk how much that shows (people associate rambling way more with dave imo) but either way it was super fun to write

rose's manipulative streaks are more obvious here. jade is incredibly vulnerable and rose jumps at the opportunity to attempt to further isolate and pit her against her mother. she's doing that completely out of habit, too. she has no malicious plan behind it all, it passes the time and it keeps jade close and that's really all she wants. she can see the way jade suffers under the weight of her work and she makes up her own stressful worklife, just so that jade can relate to her more than she can relate to the others.

DAVE FUCKIN EGBERT LET'S GOOO

the first words uttered about dave eggy in the gc:

and what his character ultimately turned into:

there is so much to say about dave i love him i love him i love him let's gOoooOooOOo

first off, i wanna explain why he's an egbert rather than a lalonde, since swapping the strilondes is way more common:

dave lalonde would have taken up too much screentime which would not have worked for the fic/verse. he is. god. an INCREDIBLE and fascinating specimen that i need to specifically write 100k about and pairing him with someone like ro-stri would just be a disservice to either of their stories. they simply can not exist together in a way that i would find narratively satisfying because they both just take up too much SPACE. GOD!!!

dave egbert is just cuter LMAO.

i am a dirty dirty multishipper and making him an egbert means i get a version of johndave and a version of daverose all at the same time

(and this doesnt even also allude to the fact that john strider and dave lalonde are also a hugely amusing dynamic like i rly needed the homophobic af angy boy paired with the darling excitable lil femboy ok

but really, my approach to dave is this: as much fun as tragic backstories are, sometimes a really fascinating narrative can be watching someone getting actively traumatized in the present for the very first time. being a bystander to someone you love's suffering, the survivor's guilt of not being the abused one, the overwhelming stress of being someone's sole confidant, the way it feels to be crushed by codependency and forced to witness unrelenting suffering when you are so woefully unprepared to provide proper support. dave just being a normal boy in an incredibly toxic relationship with his first love is just. GOD. so fun to me. so so fun it's honestly one of my fave decisions coming into the fic

there's also something to said about the fact that dave finally gets to experience normalcy and familial love at the expense of his sister taking his role in the narrative. there is a point in the au where the killswitch characters (who i also refer to as the 'zeta' kids) are made aware of their canon counterparts and thinking about what dave eggy will think about dave strider is SO exciting to me

anyway, again: this was a hard pesterlog to incorporate. i needed a quick summary of their dynamic and a quick summary of both of their characterizations: dave egbert being dryer, quieter, more withdrawn and blunt with his words, rose strider being abrasive and quick to anger and almost sadistically playful in the way she immediately seeks to tease and degrade her boyfriend. i also needed to show this without making rose the most unlikeable character this side of homestuck HGJKFGGS. fun fact, so much of how they talk to each other and exist in general is based on the fact that i think both of them just, like. fuckin LIVE on 4chan. rose is a 4chan troll while dave is just, like, a lurker. and i do wish i could have showed that more and showed even more of both the cruller kinds of dialogue rose can dish out and the more weird/fond/playful parts of their dynamic, because to me rose is the type to just constantly drop slurs and insult people and speak in a way that's designed to shock and horrify people and dave was her punching bag as much as he's her stuffed animal, and he's just so in love with all the ways she overwhelms him. he has so much fun trying to just desperately keep up with her and it all just creates this intense atmosphere that he's absolutely addicted to.

like, it's tragic that her talking like this never shows up in the fic itself but alas. alas, alack...

anyway

HOW CAN I FORGET HOW FUNNY DAVE'S HANDLE IS TO ME dave making his whole personality around himself being a npc is so funny to me ok godhjskfg

There is no excusing what must have occurred the previous evening, but there’s no point trying to contend with what happened. 

considering 'what happened yesterday' is a big huge plot point in chapter 2 i'll leave it to the chapter 2 discussion but just know that this is one of my fave part's of rose's characterization that i ALSO mourn its lack of focus in the fic. i think it's present enough but UGH i wish i got to write it so much MOOOORE, DAMN!

🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

there were so many versions of this line and this introduction in general HJGKFGS happy with what i settled with

this section was hard because, again, had to quickly establish all the things i wish i could have spent time just slowly building up. i do enjoy how the final product looks, though. one of my favorite styles to utilize is a very compact, slightly minimalistic type of prose that leans

lil cal as a corrupting force is one of my fave hs things in the world it drives me insane to think about, so it was incredibly fun deciding that this was one of the biggest and most important differences between dave and rose is that dave fucking hates lil cal but ro-stri is not scared of puppets :D she loves them :D

When you sleep, if you sleep, your gaze never breaks from his, and you spend your nightmares drowning,

rose having an eternal staring contest with dream cal amuses the hell out of me especially thinking about dave going to derse just to watch in horror. it's also another aspect of that internal soul flaying she keeps forcing herself through, trying to create a perfect ouroboros between herself and what bro has been turned into. trying to fuckin speedrun through her own corruption

gurgles blood.

this next section about all the ways rose attempts to cope with her trauma was so nervewracking to publish. a lot of parts of this fic was but jesus christ. was really worried i'd get flack for a few of the ideas that got tossed out there, but i couldn't remove them even despite that anxiety. there is such a specific vibe to the 00's that i really wanted to incorporate into the fic... just, how it felt to be an absolutely insane teenager, always overwhelmed, constantly abused, and gifted with unadulterated unsupervised internet access to do terrible AWFUL things to. i wanted to depict it because it's what i relate to, what i've experienced, what i've seen and heard from others.

it's also just generally rly important to me to sprinkle darkweb references into as many of my strider fics as fucking possible cuz i know those boys LIVE on it LMFAOHJGKFG

In reality, you have no hobbies your brother hasn’t given you.

short but important: the fact that rose just does not get the opportunity to start creating her own personality like dave does was very important for me to highlight, though it's also not necessarily true. since the narration is filtered through rose's perspective, and rose is the one that is so adamant (especially at this part of the story) that she is a perfect clone of her brother, she skips past the experiences she has where she's strayed from bro's influence.

the end of this chapter was a very fun escalation that i'm very satisfied with. ahh, my killing machine 🥰❣️ how i adore you... now that i think about it, i forgot that originally i really did just want to make a quick oneshot summarizing all of my thoughts on her. as i was writing, the ideas got bigger and bigger, the hcs spiraled more and then my friends in the chat [shakes fist] dropped a huge BOMB of a plotline right into my lap that forced me to extend it way past its original plan but ughsjfgdfg i'm so glad that they did because this is a story that i'm so incredibly proud of godddjksfg

AND THAT'S CHAPTER ONE, STAY TUNED FOR MORE

[shmorp-mcdurgen]

Alternate AU: Winter Break 1998

Adam and Jonah take a job in Mandela County, one taking place in the abandoned Heathcliff residence.

TW: character death, blood, gore, body horror

Notes: Hey. Second fic. Pretty neat. Really appreciate the response to the last one by the way (even if it was a while ago.) this is a bit over 5000 words, so a little shorter than the last one, but still a little long. Hope you like it :)

February 14th, 1998.

Snow cloaked the ground on the sides of the road, burying the grass and dead leaves as snowflakes fell to the ground slowly from the cloudy sky.  Standing alone next to a forest was one simple sign, reading “WELCOME TO MANDELA COUNTY” in bold, green letters. Snow stuck to the metal, making its message hard to read, though it didn’t go unnoticed. The sound of tires rolling on the pavement grew louder as a grey car sped past it, heading into Mandela County while also disobeying the speed limit.

“Ugh…finally.” A man groaned when he saw the sign before taking another drink from the can in his hand. His silver hair was swept to the left side, with its black roots being visible. A white sweatshirt cloaked his torso, itself being partially covered by a black leather jacket. He was leaned back in his seat, staring forward at the road before him. “Why don’t we get the easy jobs? I mean, we have to drive all the way to fuckin’ Mandela County, and for what?”

“Dude, it’s just an hour and a half drive bro.” The driver spoke up. He was dressed in a raven black hoodie, which had yellow lettering on his chest that read “BPS”. His curly, caramel colored hair was messy, poking out from underneath his hood. His hands gripped the steering wheel, being covered by black fingerless gloves. He glanced over at his friend with a slight sneer. “Don’t tell me you’re scared already, Jonah.”

“What? Bro, no.” Jonah claimed, scoffing slightly. “I’m just saying that the others always get the in-town jobs, and we have to bust our asses just to get some money.”

“Yeah, because they’re the ‘leaders’ and get to choose what jobs they do.” The driver stated.

“Yeah, and it’s just kinda dumb.” Jonah said. “I mean, Adam, how much to you want to bet that Seth would’ve flipped on us taking a job without him knowing?”

“Oh, I don’t have to bet anything,” Adam replied. “I know he would’ve just been like, ‘why didn’t you tell me this’ or ‘why are you doing that’; I mean, it’s fucking ridiculous. He’s a total nutcase, dude.”

“Though…do you think we should’ve at least told Sarah where we were going?” Jonah asked.

“And have her snitch on us?” Adam chuckled slightly. “Hell no.”

“Alright.” Jonah said, taking another sip from his energy drink. “…Hey…what even was the job again?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Like, I know it’s about some like…ghostly apparition at some abandoned house, but what did the person want?” Jonah asked.

“I don’t know, but what I do know is that we’re getting 15 hundred bucks just to housesit for a night.” Adam said with a smile. “I mean…we’re fucking set for a while, dude.”

“But don’t you think it’s kinda weird that they…didn’t tell us what they wanted us to do about this…ghost?” Jonah questioned.

“Does it matter?”

“…Kind of, yeah, considering we’re driving all the way out there.” Jonah said. “I mean, what if it’s…like…an alternate or something?”

“Yeah! What if it is?” Adam echoed, excitement bubbling up inside him. “Seth would flip his fucking shit if he thought we were on an alternate hunt, but come on dude, this is our chance!”

“Did…you take this job just to get back at him?” Jonah asked.

“Do you really think I’m that petty?”

“I’m not saying that—”

“Kind of, yeah. The guy needs a fucking wake up call, to know that he can’t keep bossing us around.” Adam stated. “But just…the chance to see an alternate do its thing…almost no one has been able to do that.”

“Yeah, because they all die, Adam.” Jonah said, leaning forward slightly as he stared at Adam, his eyes showing more uncertainty than before. “If this is some alternate shit, I don’t want to be a part of it.”

“Come on, we’re not even there yet.” Adam said. “Besides, it’ll only be for one night. You can survive one night, can you?”

“I fucking hope so.”

 When they finally made it into town, the noticed the lack of activity. Streets were oddly empty, though the two chalked it up to it being a cold winter evening. Christmas decorations were already up in the windows of the locals, along with the occasional lawn ornament. The festive décor and feel didn’t stop the strange feeling of dread from swelling in Jonah’s chest. Adam appeared unaffected by the eerie mood that Mandela gave, so Jonah decided to try and be unaffected by it too, despite it just getting worse the closer they got to their destination.

They drove down a street, passing by increasingly empty looking houses, with the Christmas lights becoming sparse. Soon they passed by a small line of leafless trees, finally being face to face with the house they heard about over the phone. It was a dull grey color, with most of the paint peeling away underneath the blanket of snow concealing it. Its windows were blackened, and its driveway barren. It was only two stories tall, but the feeling it gave Jonah made it almost feel like a skyscraper. Adam pulled the car into the driveway, leaving fresh tracks in the nearly foot deep snow.

“Alright...we’re here.” Adam said, unbuckling his seat belt.

“Wait,” Jonah lightly grabbed onto Adam’s arm before he opened his car door. “I…I don’t know about this place, man.”

“What are you talking about, it’s fine—”

“It just…feels off.” Jonah stated. “Don’t you feel it?”

“…No.” Adam said, almost sounding like it was a dumb question. “It’s literally just an empty house, bro.”

“Yeah, but a freaky empty house.” Jonah said, making Adam shake his head with a scoff.

“Alright, fine. I’ll go in.” Adam said. “You can stay out here and twiddle your thumbs while I actually do the important shit.”

Adam opened his door before stepping it out, slamming it shut behind him as he walked in front of the car and towards the front door of the house.

“…You don’t have to be shitty about it.” Jonah muttered as he leaned back in his seat.

Adam stared at the door, his hands in his hoodie pockets before he grabbed onto the door handle. To his surprise, the door was unlocked, as if the owner didn’t even care about home intruders. Either way, Adam was just happy that he didn’t have to bother with lock picking. Jonah watched as Adam glanced back towards him, a wide smirk on his face before he closed the door and disappeared into the house. Jonah slid further down his seat, his arms crossed over his chest. He wasn’t sure why, but he was feeling dread creeping into his mind. Adam better not drag his feet; Jonah was starting to have the inkling that the one and a half thousand dollars wasn’t worth it.

Adam’s flashlight shone across the dark living room, hitting the dusty furniture and the walls, which had cracked picture frames hanging on them. A couple of them depicted two teenagers hanging out, and in one they were wearing Halloween costumes. “Hmm. Hey, Jonah?” Adam spoke into his radio.

“Yeah?”

“There are these photos, of like...two boys.” Adam said, sliding his bag off his shoulder before taking a camera out of it. “They look like they were friends or something.”

“…Okay…?” Jonah responded. “Anything else?”

“I dunno…though they’re all…cracked.” Adam pointed his camera towards the pictures on the wall, snapping a photo with a bright flash. “Wonder what that’s all about…and who these people are.”

“I think you’re looking too far into things.” Jonah said. “I mean, who doesn’t have family photos in their house? Aside from us, of course...”

Adam wandered around the house, seeing the state of disarray it was in after nearly a decade of stasis. He walked past the couch and the small table beside it, which had a rotary phone resting on top, covered in cobwebs. Adam stared at the phone for a little while before his hand grabbed onto the phone, pulling it off of its hook as the webs came apart from the table. Adam shook his head slightly before putting the phone back down, wiping the grime on his hand off onto his jeans.

He turned around, seeing a stairway in the dark corner of the room, leading to the second story. The closer he got to it, the colder it seemed, even colder than the frigid living room. “Going upstairs.” Adam spoke into the radio.

“Oh…alright, just…be careful.” Jonah warned.

“Yeah yeah…” Adam muttered to himself as soon as he put his radio back onto his belt. He walked up the steps, finding himself in a small hallway, devoid of light until his flashlight hit the door at the end of it. He stopped and looked around at the walls, noticing that they were completely barren. The light bulb on the roof was shattered, as if it just exploded at some point. Adam stepped over the creaking floorboards before reaching for the door knob. As soon as he grabbed it, he pulled it back in shock; it was as cold as ice, as if he just put his fingers in the snow. He then breathed in deeply before gripping it again and turning it, though the door appeared to be locked shut.

“Hey Jonah, there’s a locked door here.” Adam said.

“Yeah? What about it?”

“It’s the only one in here.” Adam stated. “You brought the lock picks, right?”

“Uh…I think so, yeah.” Jonah recalled.

“Alright. I’ll be out in a sec.” Adam put his radio away, turning before walking down the dark hall. As he approached the stairway, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up, as if someone was standing right behind him. He swung around, shining his flashlight into the darkness, seeing nothing but the dust particles floating in the stagnant air. He stared down the hallway for a few moments before leaving down the stairs, a bit quicker than he did before.

 “So uh…what was it exactly?” Jonah asked, back pressed against the side of the car as Adam rummaged through the cluttered trunk.

“I don’t know…it was like…” Adam paused. “You ever shut the lights off in the basement and run up the stairs because you have this…feeling that something is chasing you? It was like that.”

“…Huh…” Jonah scratched the back of his neck. “And the door?”

“I don’t know, but I need to get through.” Adam said. “Something’s gotta be behind it, you know?”

“Adam, I really don’t think we should—”

“You said you brought the lock picks.” Adam interrupted, standing up straight as he stared into the trunk.

“I did.”

“Well, look.” Adam gestured towards the many boxes in the car. “You see them?”

Jonah took one brief glance into the junk. “…uh…no?”

“Fuck, Jonah…” Adam groaned. “God damn it…”

“I’m sorry; I thought they were already in there!” Jonah claimed.

“Did you even look before we left?”

“Look, they’re not there, okay?” Jonah said as Adam sighed deeply. “Does that mean we can leave now? The suns almost set, it’s getting really fucking cold; we should head back before the others start getting suspicious.”

“Jonah, I know you’re scared, but I really feel like something deeper is going on around here.” Adam said. “I mean…this house; some shit is going on here, I can feel it.”

“I know, that’s the problem—”

Jonah and Adam’s attention were drug to the house when the sound of screams erupted from inside. Jonah jumped back slightly, hearing the sound of what sounded like an entire choir of horrid screeches, though Adam seemed to be unfazed. If anything, a smile was forming on his face.

“Oh, fuck this.” Jonah rushed to the passenger side door, reaching for the handle before Adam grabbed his arm.

“Wha—Jonah, come on, we can’t leave now!” Adam said.

“Dude, we need to get out of here,” Jonah responded. “I mean, did you hear that shit?!”

“Yeah!” Adam said with a half chuckle. “Things are starting to get interesting; I’m not leaving until I see what’s going on.”

“Are you fucking crazy?” Jonah questioned. “You’re not fucking invincible, dude—”

“Who knows, maybe I am crazy,” Adam responded. “But at least I’m doing the job we’re being paid to do.”

“Adam, please—”

“I’ve already made up my mind.” Adam stated. “You can be a pussy all you want, but I’m going back in.”

 Jonah felt the air get colder as he stared at the house, waiting for Adam to talk to him on the radio. The sun had disappeared below the horizon, making the sky appear to be a dark void above his head. His face stung from the cold as he pressed his crossed arms into his chest. It was oddly quiet, as if the town was completely dead. When Adam eventually did call through the radio, it nearly startled him.

“Jonah, you there?”

Jonah fumbled with his radio as he brought it up to his mouth. “Uh, yeah! Yeah, I’m here, what’s up?”

“I’m in the kitchen right now…and the fridge is still…stocked.” Adam glanced at the closed fridge from afar. “Everything’s rotten…but no one even bothered to throw everything away, like this place was abandoned in a hurry.”

“Adam, I really don’t like this.” Jonah said.

“Can you stop complaining for more than five seconds?” Adam said. “I finally get the chance to go on a job alone, and you’re barking at me the entire time.”

“You get a chance to—Adam, we’re supposed to be working together!” Jonah said.

“Yeah, and you’re doing a piss-poor job of holding your end of it.”

“Look, can we…please just leave?” Jonah begged. “Like…let’s get a fucking pizza and go home, I’m getting hungry and cold out here.”

“Ugh…you know what? Fine.” Adam said. Before Jonah could feel the overwhelming relief from hearing that sentence, Adam continued. “But I need to get into the room upstairs. Something about it…it feels like it’s calling me.”

“Calling you?! And you don’t see anything weird about that?” Jonah nearly shouted.

“Jonah, I’m trying to compromise; I’m going to try and unlock the door, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll leave, and if I can get in, we’ll get out of here the second I’m out.” Adam sighed. “…You happy with that?”

“…Fine.”

“Good.” Adam put his radio away, rolling his eyes as he approached the stairway once again.  He slowly crept up the steps, the chilly air hitting his face as he found himself in the upstairs hallway. He stared at the bedroom door, his light hitting the chipped paint and strange dark-colored splotches that stained the wood. He took in a deep breath before grabbing onto the frigid handle. To his surprise, it turned, and the door creaked open ever so slightly.

“Huh…what do you know…?” Adam muttered as he pushed the door open further. He saw the window adjacent to the door first, and the faint light bleeding into the room from it. He walked inside, seeing the nightstand resting next to the wall to his left. A shattered television was resting on it, and pieces of garbage and old, mildew-ridden clothes surrounded the base of the wooden drawers. Just by looking at it, it was clear that whoever lived in there didn’t care about cleaning much. However, after Adam got used to the smell of mold and mildew, something else stung his nose. He turned towards the rest of the room behind him, and his excited smile was ripped away from his face.

The white sheets on the bed was stained with dark crimson, dried and coagulated from years of festering. “What the f…” Adam shone his light towards the closet door in front of the foot of the bed, seeing a large splatter of the same red substance, along with a small hole in the wood. Bullet casings littered the floor next to the bed, and only one rested in the large splotch of blood that stained the bed.

“W-What…w…what the fuck, what the fuck.” Adam hurriedly pulled his radio up. “Jonah, are you there?”

“Yeah, is something wrong?” Jonah questioned, noticing how shaky Adam’s voice was.

“I-I…I think…this is a crime scene, dude.” Adam stated, his eyes fixed on the blood stains. “There’s…there’s blood…everywhere.”

Jonah shook his head, muttering something to himself before yelling into the radio. “Adam, that’s fucking it; get the fuck out of there!” Jonah pleaded.

“No, I…I can’t…” Adam muttered, “Not yet.”

“What the hell do you mean?!” Jonah yelled.

“I’ve finally found something, I just need to—”

“Listen, if you don’t get out of there now, I’m leaving without you.” Jonah stated. “And I…I don’t want to do that, but please, just think about it for a second!”

Adam barely heard the message, as the signal abruptly became very weak. He wasn’t paying attention anyway, as he saw a glimpse of something under the bed. He crouched down slowly, his hand reaching for the object before he drug it out from under the bed. He stared at it for a moment, feeling for the first time in a while a sense of overwhelming dread. It was a pistol; its barrel stained with blood along with the rest of everything in the room.

Adam dropped the gun before turning to leave, only to freeze in place when he saw a figure in the doorway. Adam’s wide eyes stared at the figure as his flashlight flickered, making it hard to see whoever, or whatever, was there. Adam could barely make out that the figure was wearing a blood-stained pale grey sweatshirt, along with pink sweatpants. His face was nearly completely enveloped in darkness; a void behind a cracked face like porcelain. A gold cross hung from his necklace, hovering in front of his chest weightlessly. He seemed to be slightly shorter than Adam, though the fact that he was hovering above the ground made it appear otherwise.

Adam was silent, pondering whether he wanted to ask it a question or run away. There was nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide, and as the flashlight shut off, Adam realized that his decision wouldn’t have mattered. The figure in front of him already made the decision for him.

“Adam, can you hear me?!” Jonah yelled into his radio. When static was the only response, he groaned before pacing back in forth next to the car. “Adam, I swear to God, please—”

The sound of shattering glass nearly startled the skin off of Jonah’s bones, coming from directly behind him. He swung around just in time to see Adam falling from the second story window, as if he was thrown out. His screams were haunting, and Jonah swore that time slowed down as he careened towards the frosty ground. Jonah knew that with practice and skill, one could live a drop from the second story without injury, though he knew it wouldn’t be the case with Adam. Adam was falling head first.

The screams were cut off by a loud snap, echoing throughout the night as Adam slammed against the ground. Jonah instinctually looked away, hearing the sound of faint gurgling and cracking before slowly turning back to see what had happened. “Adam…?” Jonah whimpered, seeing Adam’s body on the ground, twitching. His neck was bent completely to the side, and one of the arms he used to try and protect his head was snapped in twain. Blood spat out of his mouth, and his wide, terror-filled eyes stared straight ahead, almost looking directly at Jonah.

“…A…ADAM!” Jonah cried out in horror, tears streaming down his cheeks as he stumbled backwards, his back hitting the side of the vehicle. “Adam…oh god, what the FUCK!” Jonah scrambled towards the driver’s side door, swinging it open before jumping inside. He whimpered to himself as he started the car, backing out of the driveway before speeding down the road.

As Jonah fled, the broken figure floated in front of the window, which was shattered from Adam careening through it. He watched as the cars taillights disappeared down the street, his one eye fixed on it as it drove away. His hands curled up into fists, shaking as he felt his own rage build up inside of his hollow body. “…You…COWARD!” He shouted, his voice accompanied by a city’s worth of screams, echoing throughout the night.

 Jonah whimpered to himself, hyperventilating as he sped down the dark road, with what little visibility he had being dampened by the falling snow. He couldn’t stop crying as much as he tried, sobbing as he frantically tried to figure out what he should, or even could do. He was barely processing all that had happened; it all went wrong at once, giving Jonah no time to react. As he drove out of town and down the empty highway, he shook his head, slowing the car down before pulling over to the side of the road.

He glanced up at the sign on the side of the road, which rested near a small forest on the right. “Thank you for visiting Mandela Cty, WI. Come again!” was written in faded text, as if it had been there for a while. Jonah shakily grabbed the door handle, stumbling out onto the slick street as he stared at the relatively small, snow cloaked wheat field on the other side. He crouched down, staring at the ground with his hands gripping his head as the cold air stung his nose.

He had no idea what to fucking do. He had no clue what he could do. The BPS HQ was still miles away, and with no reception, he couldn’t contact the others. What would he say when he got there? Oh God, what could he even say to them? Would he tell them that they went on an investigation by themselves, not even bothering to tell anyone? Would he tell them that Adam was dead because of their own negligence? How would they react? Jonah’s mind was swimming in circles, unable to think of a single coherent thought. He didn’t know what to do. Adam was dead, and Jonah felt deep in his bones that it was partially his fault. He left him there, not even bothering to help him.

He sighed shakily and deeply before he stood up, running his fingers through his hair as he gathered his thoughts. He glanced behind him at the car he was leaning against before reaching for the handle. He pulled on it, but it didn’t open the door; it didn’t even move an inch. He pulled against it with all his might, but it remained still. “What…what the hell—” He was interrupted when he saw something in the corner of his eye. He turned from the car back onto the road, freezing in place when he saw a figure around twenty feet away. He was glaring back at Jonah, his gaze feeling as though it could puncture Jonah’s soul.

“…Shit…shit, SHIT—” Jonah ran towards the wheat field, the figure simply gliding over the ground after him. “LEAVE ME ALONE!” Jonah pleaded, glancing back as tears streamed down his face. To his surprise, the alternate was no longer there, as if he had disappeared. Jonah slowed down for a moment in the middle of the field, his feet buried in the deep snow. He frantically looked around, wondering if his prayer had actually been answered. However, when he felt a presence directly behind him, he figured out that his pleading fell upon deaf ears.

“You…coward.” The alternate growled as Jonah hesitantly turned to face him.

“P-Please…I didn’t do anything…” Jonah cried, wondering when the figure was going to kill him.

“You left him behind…” The alternate droned. “He’s DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!” Jonah covered his ears as a cacophony of voices screamed at him.

“Let me go…please…” Jonah begged.

The figure leaned away for a moment, raising his cold, blackened hand towards Jonah. Jonah was sobbing, staring up at the weightless man in front of him, expecting him to end his life right then and there. Instead of that however, the figure remained completely still. Jonah realized he was scratching his own neck as he prepared for death, and soon he felt his skin become increasingly itchy, like he was covered in bug bites. He scratched harder at one place near the front of his neck, with it becoming increasingly red and irritated. His chest and forearms began to follow suit, as they started to feel inflamed and uncomfortable.

“Wh…what…?” Jonah muttered to himself, pulling his hand away just long enough to notice his fingernails were beginning to be stained red. His neck and arms were scratched raw, bleeding down the thin claw marks left from Jonah’s feeble attempt to relieve the discomfort. It didn’t seem like the scratching was helping at all, as parts of his skin were only becoming increasingly dry and irritated. “What the fuck—?”

A sharp pain suddenly hit his face, causing him to stumble back and groan slightly. He lightly touched his cheeks, with them stinging at the slightest touch. It felt as though his skin was being sliced open with a newly sharpened scalpel, and as Jonah looked at the blood slowly running down his arms and collar bones, he realized that it wasn’t just his face that was being cut. “What the fuck, what the FUCK!” Jonah rolled up his sleeves, staring at the two thin, parallel lines cut deep right next to his elbow, wrapping around his arm and up his bicep. He touched his neck, feeling two similar lines running up both sides of his face, all the way up to his eyelids. Blood was beginning to stain his white sweatshirt and drip onto the snow below as Jonah stumbled backwards, unable to understand what was happening to him all while the figure in front of him gave him a cold, unfeeling glare.

As if it was pure impulse, Jonah couldn’t stop scraping himself with his nails, despite the increasing stinging pain he felt rushing all over his body. His mind was racing, his memories becoming increasingly foggy as he began to yell and cry out from the pain. As he scratched at one of his arms, he suddenly felt a strong searing pain, feeling his finger drag something away from his arm. He looked down at what he was doing before he felt his heart sink to his feet. His fingers had stripped away the skin all together, revealing the muscles underneath.

Jonah had run out of words, and all he could do was scream as loud as his vocal cords would allow into the night air, ripping his hand away from the rapidly bleeding wound. However, the flesh just simply tore off by itself, and soon he could see the bones in his arm. He stared at it in pure horror before feeling a similar searing pain in his other arm. The muscle and skin was falling off of him, and soon the searing pain spread across his body as strips of skin peeled off like bandages. His cheeks were stripped away, revealing his jaw and teeth along with the underside of his eyes. He didn’t see what else was being torn off of him, as he felt his eyes roll up into his head and his face slam against the cold snow below him as he lost consciousness.

 Jonah figured that was it. He accepted that he was a dead man; killed in a horrifying way that would make medieval torturers shed a tear. However, when he felt the cold snow pressing against his body as he regained consciousness, he realized that he wasn’t as lucky as he thought.

His eyes flipped open, taking a little while to adjust to the darkness around him, only broken by his car’s headlights next to the road. His entire body was in unbearable agony, and blood was seeping into his clothes and into the ground below him. He stared at his arm, which was resting right beside his head, seeing that it was nothing but bone, held together by thin strips of flesh. The bone however appeared to be a pure black color, like a silhouette. Jonah’s face felt like it was burning, and his body felt as though he was barely put together. The figure appeared to be gone, so despite the sheer agony he was in, Jonah had to make it to the car before it came back.

He shakily pushed himself up with his arms, but couldn’t rise to his feet. He tried to get up, but his legs didn’t budge. He slowly turned himself around to lie on his back, feeling his exposed spine come in contact with the cold. He sat up slightly, trying to move his legs, but not even a twitch came from them. He couldn’t feel them anymore, as if they didn’t even exist. He was paralyzed from the waist down, no longer able to walk. He fought the urge to scream in both pain and mental anguish, not wanting to let the alternate know he was still alive.

He cried, feeling his tears hit the exposed muscles underneath his eyes, but he no longer cared. He laid on his stomach, beginning to drag himself towards the road with his skeletal arms, every single movement making his body cry out more. As he slowly drug himself to safety, he noticed something hanging off of his wrist. A few thin strings were tied around his wrists, running slack on the ground before going straight up. No matter how high he looked, they only seemed to go forever, disappearing into the darkness above. Jonah nevertheless pressed on, crawling closer and closer towards the light.

He continued to move the best he could before he felt a small tug on his left wrist. He glanced towards it, noticing that the string was slowly becoming taut, raising up into the air. The same was happening with the right arm as well, with Jonah slowly feeling panic bubble up inside of him. When he felt a small tug on his neck, he realized that not only were his wrists tied, but his neck also had strings around it. He saw as the strings began to pull at his arms, raising them into the air.

“No…no…no no NO NO!” Jonah resisted against the force trying to pull him up, but whatever was on the other side of the strings was stronger than he could ever be. He felt the strings around his neck tighten, and soon, he felt himself be taken off of the ground, his paralyzed legs dangling below him. He felt as though he had a noose around his neck, and the strings around his wrists dug into them like barbed wire. He could no longer move, as his arms were forced to be stretched out to the side, like a living marionette. He kept rising into the sky before stopping, and when he looked back up, he saw the figure, his cold stare still fixed on Jonah’s feeble form.

“W-Why…? Why won’t you just…just fucking kill me…?” Jonah croaked, unable to raise his voice.

The figure stared at him silently for a moment, before his inhuman voice began to speak once again. “I can’t kill you yet.” He stated. “I have a job for you.”

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Dave Strider

Act 6, page 6383-6387

JADE: her imperious condescension has duly noted your ridiculous tantrum

JADE: now take your welsh sword

DAVE: why

JADE: since you have obviously been identified as the one who must deal english his fatal blow we will need to make sure you are battle ready

JADE: and you do not seem very battle ready to me dave

JADE: show me what you can do

DAVE: wait since when could you use a sword

DAVE: also

DAVE: whats up with that dumb sword

JADE: i will not hear another word of such appalling slander about this fine weapon

JADE: its colorful and its silly and its a sword

JADE: end of story

JADE: as for why i can wield it, i surpassed the need for a strife specibus quite some time ago

DAVE: how

JADE: havent you climbed any more god tiers over the last few years?

JADE: what were you even doing on that meteor

DAVE: ohh

DAVE: yeah no

DAVE: i climbed a few yeah

JADE: what badges do you have on your kiddie camper handysash?

DAVE: which ones do you have

JADE: i asked you first

DAVE: show me your badges and you can see mine

DAVE: i want to scope out this universal specibus badge that sounds pretty cool actually

JADE: dave

JADE: we both know neither the kiddie camper handysash nor the badges sewn onto it are real objects

DAVE: oh yeah

DAVE: its pretty easy to forget sometimes tho

JADE: yeah...

DAVE: i think were getting sidetracked by the kiddie camper shit

DAVE: are you really suggesting that we do an actual sword fight right now

DAVE: like for training purposes

JADE: why not?

JADE: our empress can hardly have a knight with such rusty combat skills in her service

DAVE: will you cut it out with the evil jade baloney

DAVE: im not going to fight you

DAVE: my rooftop dueling days are OVER

JADE: en garde!

DAVE: ugh

DAVE: even if we just went balls out jackass BANANAS with our swords here i mean realistically how much appreciable advancement in my battle skills would even result from that

DAVE: are you actually thinking this through or just going through the vaguely nefarious motions that come with the territory of being evildog!jade

JADE: im gonna go through the vaguely nefarious motions of kicking your ass in a minute if you dont put up your dukes!!!

DAVE: yeah you probably will

DAVE: youll probably annihilate me worse than my bro used to

DAVE: dont you have all of your dogs insane powers and like

DAVE: god tier space powers on top of all that

DAVE: how exactly am i supposed to compete with that

JADE: by using your time trickery!

JADE: come on dave do your timey thing

JADE: get creative, make lots of copies of yourself or something... outsmart me!

DAVE: no!

JADE: yes!!!

DAVE: ok here i go

JADE: !!!!!

DAVE: wait

DAVE: nah

JADE: grrr

JADE: dave, just try a little time travel to get this fight started

JADE: see look, one of your time doubles is surely predestined to come from a few minutes in the future and appear behind me for a surprise attack, riiiight about...

JADE: now!

JADE: ...

JADE: no wait

JADE: riiiiiiiiiight...

JADE: ...

JADE: ...

JADE: NOW!

JADE: ....

JADE: .....

JADE: dave why is your future self being such a wet blanket

DAVE: i told you

DAVE: im not time traveling

DAVE: i think im giving it up for good actually

JADE: :\

DAVE: im serious

DAVE: the thing is

DAVE: being a time guy

DAVE: like actually MASTERING time travel

DAVE: im pretty sure what that involves is

DAVE: learning to never use it

DAVE: see its like karate

DAVE: well

DAVE: its more like what they SAY about karate

DAVE: that you learn it so you dont use it

DAVE: but i mean we all know the truth about karate is if you know karate then obviously in reality you use it all the time

DAVE: like doing lethal fuckin crane kicks and sweet karate chops while walking down the street just cause you can

DAVE: its a god damn no brainer thats what you do with karate

DAVE: but see with time travel

DAVE: all the stuff about learning it so you dont have to use it is true

DAVE: theres no good that can come of it

DAVE: you can crunch the logic on the loops all you want

DAVE: but all youre doing is painting yourself into a corner

DAVE: creating inevitabilities you have to rehearse and enact or face death for yourself or everyone you know

DAVE: and sometimes facing death is the very inevitability you have to rehearse

DAVE: and then you wait and wait knowing its coming and knowing it has to happen

DAVE: how do you think it made me feel when we were gathering up all those frogs

DAVE: and i knew the whole time in a little while you would have to watch me get shot

DAVE: but i couldnt say anything or it would mess it all up

DAVE: all cause i thought it would be cool to be marty mcfuckin fly

DAVE: but instead of shredding johnny b goode on guitar to get my parents to bang

DAVE: my crowning performance was doing a funny dance while getting pumped full of lead

JADE: ......

DAVE: then i had to leave everyone behind and get into the delorean and return to the 1980s

DAVE: but the delorean was actually a big purple moon

DAVE: and the 1980s was me accidentally reaching god tier and living on a shitty meteor for a while

DAVE: and i guess rose was doc brown

DAVE: doc brown accidentally reached god tier too

DAVE: ok i guess this is where the analogy falls apart but you get what i mean

JADE: sorry dave, you lost me there after the part where i shot you

DAVE: damn

DAVE: ok lemme start over

JADE: omg, no!

JADE: the fact is youre going to have to rely on those powers if you want to stand any chance against a lord of time

JADE: it is safe to expect he can only be challenged by someone with a similar command over the aspect

DAVE: why is that safe to expect

DAVE: where are all these presumptions coming from

DAVE: if you can use swords why dont you take the welsh cueball sword and fight him yourself

DAVE: i bet you could fuck him up

DAVE: youre probably even more extra strong now that youve succumbed to the bark side

DAVE: did you ever think about that

JADE: dave i am perfectly aware of the awesome powers granted to me by the bark side

JADE: it does not matter

JADE: i cant be the one to wield your sword against english

JADE: it has to be you

JADE: it is the will of the empress, and thats final

DAVE: the empress can suck it

DAVE: i have no intention of fighting him

DAVE: and this isnt even me pulling more lame self aware reluctant hero junk

DAVE: i am just straight up not going to do it

DAVE: see thats not reluctance its just petulant refusal on my part

DAVE: reluctant hero shit is when the guys like aw shucks i dunno if i wanna but deep down we all know he really does

DAVE: but i really dont

DAVE: why should i

DAVE: i dont give a damn about lord english or his nebulous atrocities out in nowherespace

DAVE: what kind of villain is someone you never met who hardly did anything evil to you or your friends directly

DAVE: or even to anyone in your universe for that matter other than through some vague insidious influence

DAVE: who even is this guy and why should i hate him

DAVE: am i really supposed to be pissed off at a green muscle monster i never met

DAVE: cause i aint pissed off at no muscle monster

DAVE: hell wasnt he in some ass backwards way responsible for us existing in the first place?

DAVE: or all of humanity for that matter??

DAVE: maybe i should thank him before chopping him up via welshscalibur

JADE: jeez you sure have some issues

JADE: honestly it has become very tiresome listening to this sort of thing

JADE: i thought davesprite had problems

JADE: his issues i could kind of understand

JADE: i thought you might be different, being the alpha dave and all

JADE: but no

JADE: you might be even more messed up inside than he was!

DAVE: what

DAVE: why are you dragging that guy into this

DAVE: what happened with you and him anyway

JADE: none of your business >:p

DAVE: it kind of is

DAVE: hes bird me

DAVE: that clearly means i have a right to know

JADE: that doesnt make any sense!

DAVE: you said he had issues

DAVE: what issues

JADE: augh!

JADE: forget i mentioned it

DAVE: was he talking shit about me the whole time or something

DAVE: i know he resents me for being the real dave

JADE: dont say that, you arent the real dave!

JADE: well you are, but phrasing it like that is so mean!

JADE: hes just as real as you, and when you imply he isnt you sound like a jerk!!!

DAVE: man i knew it

DAVE: i knew he was poisoning your view of me all those years

DAVE: and i wasnt there to say anything or defend against his slander so now of course you think im a neurotic douche

JADE: THE ONLY REASON I THINK YOURE A NEUROTIC DOUCHE IS BECAUSE YOURE ACTING LIKE ONE NOW!!!

DAVE: yeah but i only started acting like a neurotic douche like half way through this conversation

DAVE: you clearly had an axe to grind with me from the start and i want to know why

DAVE: what did i ever do to deserve this shit from you

JADE: YOU BROKE MY HEART!!!!!!

DAVE: what

DAVE: i did

DAVE: when

JADE: ok not you

JADE: davesprite did

JADE: BUT YOURE BASICALLY THE SAME GUY!

DAVE: whoa no way

DAVE: thats such an unfair characterization we are completely different dudes

JADE: you just said you had a right to know what happened between us because, and i quote, "hes bird me"

DAVE: no i know

DAVE: i was playing the "hes bird me" card because it was convenient to whatever it was i was saying at the time

DAVE: i forget what point i was making when i said that

JADE: *growl*

DAVE: but thats not the point im making now

DAVE: he and me are just

DAVE: crazy different yo

DAVE: hes got fuckin wings!!!

DAVE: he also presumably takes a dump and lays eggs out of the same ghostly hole

DAVE: ...

DAVE: ew man whyd i have to go there

JADE: *SNARL*

DAVE: ok if he broke up with you or whatever that was because of his dumb bird issues not my issues

DAVE: theres no way i would have done that to you

DAVE: my issues are totally different and probably way more serious

DAVE: i dont see anyone ordering him to master time travel or trying to pawn brittle welsh swords off on him do you

DAVE: nobody is telling him hes got to murder the incredible hulk

DAVE: did you tell him hes got to murder the incredible hulk jade

DAVE: no i think not

JADE: *sigh*

JADE: dave, i did my best to put all this behind me a long time ago

JADE: i did not come here to dredge up any of this drama with you

JADE: besides, such behavior is unbecoming of her condescensions loyal subordinates

JADE: you can be stubborn all you want, but i will force you to comply with her wishes one way or another

JADE: it will be quite easy actually

JADE: all i have to do is target the people you care about most

DAVE: hey

DAVE: what are you doing

DAVE: dont you dare touch the mayor

JADE: he is a very cute mayor

JADE: it therefore pains me to have to do this

DAVE: GET AWAY FROM HIM!

[pollstuck]

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

GG: yo yooooooo!!!!!!! TG: whoa ok hey GG: so youre finally playing the game with flighty? TG: yeah TG: but she wont answer me GG: shes probably just exploring im sure she will come around soon.... GG: but its great that you got her out of there in time!!! TG: pretty much you have no idea how much i fuckin own at this game TG: i bested no less than three flaming tornados and broke a huge wizard GG: so how does it feel to be a BIG TIME HERO GG: mister braveybrave mcheropants TG: it feels like TG: i am in sports TG: all alone TG: and i am the star TG: its me TG: and then the big man comes GG: hehehe GG: but it turns out to be CRAZY what kind of basket ball this man plays! GG: ummmm...... GG: the HOOP IS ON FIRE... GG: ok i forget how it goes TG: no you got it TG: we're good TG: reference secured GG: yes!!!!!! GG: so now it is my turn to be the star! GG: i will be your hero GG: its me TG: wait what GG: i installed the game! GG: im connecting to you as the server player TG: oh man TG: this is ridiculous TG: i just set this shit up with flighty and now i got to do like TG: some double duty thing TG: i mean i own at the game and all but cant i just relax for half a second GG: dont worry! GG: you can keep playing with flighty while i just set up a few things GG: i figured id get a good head start to avoid all the drama you guys are always getting into GG: such a bunch of drama queens!!! TG: what TG: look i was getting my ass handed to me by my bro on the roof for like an hour and a half TG: i got served like a dude on butler island GG: (DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA) TG: wait does this mean theres a big meteor coming soon GG: yes! TG: when you activate the thing will it start the countdown and summon the meteor GG: itll come when it comes regardless of what we do GG: the timer really just lets you know when its coming TG: are you totally sure about all this GG: yes look here it is!

-- GG sent metor.jpeg --

TG: ok yes that image is definitely conclusive proof of something and is 100% understandable by anyone who looks at it TG: how big is this thing GG: it is REALLY REALLY big TG: like the size of rhode island or texas or what TG: i need some context to know how much crap i should be shitting into my pants GG: ok i dont actually know :( TG: well as if like one the size of a bus wouldnt kill me anyway GG: hehe yeah.... TG: wait hold on flighty is finally opening her stupid laptop TG: so do your thing i guess TG: have fun GG: thanks i will! (heart emoticon)

It's almost as if this broken AIR CONDITIONING UNIT was scaled to be a perfect fit for the ALCHEMITER all along.

WEIRD!

TG: hey wait GG: these darn birds are in the way! GG: what are they doing in your apartment anyway!!! GG: also they are adorable TG: i always keep birds in here its sort of my thing GG: ohhhhhhh GG: kind of like all those silly naked puppets are your bros thing? TG: no no thats irony this is like TG: sincere honest to god psychosis TG: im training to be a lame gothy supervillain GG: also i think i cant put it down because of the wires on the floor..... TG: ok TG: well maybe you should take the opportunity to put it somewhere that isnt stone cold ridiculous GG: i wish i played more games GG: this is hard!!!! TG: no its not GG: :P

TG: are you fucking kidding me

GG: oh fuck!!!!!!

TG: farmstink what the hell! TG: you could have used literally ANYTHING to open the doomsday doohickey up and you used the toilet??? TG: hello? TG: oh god TG: are you asleep