#its fine he can hadnle it

[dovewingkinnie]

full of whimsy and The Horrors my oc named doug. get it. cause hes a dog. i promise im creative ITS ALL I HAVE based on those drawigns i see going around alot

[stim-urself]

im just really depressed pls dont read this

yooo so i fricken idek 

im like on my computer because i wanna set up  a nice queue so i can keep my blog like consistant so yall can see pretty things idek i feel dumb for that??? idek but i get on here and i keep trying but my focus and brain hurts and i look at the screen for no more than twenty seonds before getting distracted by something else and it sucks because by the time i look back at the computer, anything that i WAS interested in has already like slipped my mind and idek what im looking at anymore!!!! aNd plus its like my head is killing me maybe because my wisdom teeth are comin in???? idk!!! idk anything right now lol!!! I have brain fog i hate it i hateit and like 

i jssst did it again ohmygod i literally just looked away for like five minutes and loko back and realise that  i was writing trhis post???!? jesus christ????>! im like so over it all lol! like forreal im hurting so bad and i knEW That i wouldn’t be able to do much at all today so i was wanting to set up the queue and then do my BEST to take a shower , i was gonna eat but reemembered we are out of food. honestly i odn’t even know what to do at this point i can bare;y even function anymore and i can’t make any sort of money adn the job i did have online isn’t somethign i can do anymore because my body ust KEEPS fighting me and i hate it i wish i could just like do some crazy deed and get a new one or sell my fucking soul idek tbh like i just dont know what to do. im so worried and scared all the time and one of the few fun things i have left in life is the internet (certain parts of it obviously lol) and like this blog helps me a ton and i can’t even enjoy it really either and i just wanna so bad i just wanna be chill and be oka and not hurt so bad ican barely hadnle it. like its so stupid why is this? a thing? and on the outside im like chill af and almost 90% of the time,unless you are conner or shaina, you have no idea that im hurting so bad i could break down at any moment!!! its rlly dumb!!iii alWAYS do my best to be a happy person (which never really works but im good at coming off positive, which is all that matters yanno) and i always do everything i can to be a good friend and not make people worry about me more than they already do !!1 and lately ive been so scared to ask for help at all because honestly im so tired of my whole life being a charity case but like forreal i hae no idea what tod o at this point and its so fucking scary . my mental and physical health is so shit at this point and like????a efw weeks ago i went to the store and the lady checking out my groceries yanno being a good worker or whatever and she was like ‘how are yall doing today :)” and i was like im good!!! and then like i started to tear up???? infront of the random worker lady??? i felt so bad and i tried to not let her notice because idek i dind’t want her to think maybe she did something wrong??? idek and conner was liek woah woah you okay?? why are you crying hunny its gonna be okay we are about to be leaving and i was like yeah no im fine! and he made me go on to the car and wait for him and mom . i felt so stupid. and i just wish i knew what to do with myself. i hate living in the hotel. i feel like, idek im so blessed and happy to even have a roof over my head, access to the internet, i have clothes to wear (most of the time), i have access to water, ellectricity, a shower and shampoo, ect, so i feel like a total shit person for even complaing, so i never really do but like this is my post and i highly doubt anyone at all has read this far lol so oh well!!! like

this hotel room is sos small and im stuck living with my ex and i am still so desperately inlove with him and honestly our relationship is so unhealthy for me but honestly i have no where else to go and if i got down to it, even if i got out, id probaly want him to come with me lol but honestly though like atleast it wouldn’t be here in this ne room with our one bed where WE sleep and our mini fridge and the one tv with his xbox and his food and his things and his stuff that im literally just a bum yall.

and i don’t even have a way to fix it and like last time i went to stay with my mom (which isint’ even an option anymore because she just moved in with my aunt,) i was without help for the first time inn a while and my body honestly can’t take shit anymore and i woke up and as usual i couldn’t fucking walk and i had to peee and i was crying like the second my eyes opened lol because im a lil bitch honestly and it hurt so bad and i did my best to try to stannd up but the matress was on the floor and i couldnt get up and i ended up fzallling and when i fell i fucking pissed myself. l;ike forreal. a 20 yr old pissing herslef. i was so fucking mortified and i couldnt really move and it was so embarrasing and no one weas there to see it thank god but i was stuck there for a good ten minutes. l;o,l1!! wowowow how awesome!!! andyanno its so ssscary because i know the issues i have like, dont get better. like they don;.t thats just not how it works. infact they ten to get worse for msot people, so im like stuck, and its so scary to know that someday , if i make it, imma be a 30 yr old, unable to walk, lonely and probably dying from the weight on top of her heart because she got so fat nothin could fit it! and in so much pain that she can’t even wipe her own ass!! lol! wow yanno honestly thix post makes me seem insane. but fuck that like hoenstly. honestlly i don’t have a single soul to tell anything to anymore. i feel so trapped, and scared and worried and i am crying and stresssed and honestly fuck it if me writing a thousand miles a minute helps me feel better, so be it like im not ebeven gonna worry .i just rreally wish i knew what to do to make things right. 

ok imma go now . if you read all of this, im so sorry , but thankyou for taking your time to care about me.