#its december 1st and Im feeling my christmas depression on me

[redrobin-detective]

So ‘tis the season and I’m going to talk about one of the most personally offensive things I saw in Danny Phantom which was the handling of Danny’s hatred of Christmas as catalogued in the The Fright Before Christmas. The story opens with Danny being bitter and closed off and overall miserable with the upcoming holiday. The people around him call him Scrooge for his attitude and try and force the cheer onto him despite him clearly being upset by it. 

The narrative reinforces the idea that Danny is in the wrong, almost saying that Ghost Writer was justified about ‘teaching Danny a lesson’ in holiday spirit. Even just typing it out infuriates me because I am like Danny. I remember watching the episode as a young adult and feeling such a kinship with Danny’s struggles during the episode. I too hate the holidays and get surly and sullen and anxious around this time of year. My hatred stems from family issues, from days spent screaming and just wanting January to come and move past all this horrible tension. My friends and family (yes even the family who argues most of the time) have called me names and told me to get into the spirit and not be such a downer.

I consider myself to be a good person, maybe not a literal superhero, but someone who cares about people and does kind things all year round. Neither Danny and I are sulky all the time and have understandable, very specific reasons why the holidays are a bad time. And yet Danny’s central problem is never really addressed, everyone around it makes it HIS problem that he’s miserable. Why didn’t Ghostwriter go after Jack and Maddie and make them see what they were doing to their kids? Why didn’t Sam and Tuck, usually 110% in Danny’s corner, help spirit him away to make new happier holiday traditions? Maybe Danny could have decided to run away for the holidays and bonded with the ghosts in the Zone during the truce. No, we heap all this blame on a child who has trauma and try to fix it by reinforcing the commercialized, capitalistic package of Christmas™ without ever really addressing why someone would feel so upset this time of year.

Butch Hartmen certainly isn’t beloved in the Phandom for his nuance or sensitivity but this particular moment really hits home for me. I worked a very rough few shifts over Thanksgiving and one nurse was loudly playing Christmas music most of the time. I moved seats, I asked her to turn it down, I broke down and cried at one point from stress and just asked Please can we not do this. “Don’t be such a grinch,” I heard from multiple people, “you’re just going to have to deal with it.” And as I have many years prior, I thought back to Danny, my comrade in traumatic Christmas memories and thought we both deserved better.

[coto524]

hey i just saw in your tags that you got an adhd diagnosis.. would it be cool if i asked you how you went about getting diagnosed? im welsh too and ive been dealing with the welsh nhs mental health department for years and i genuinely feel like im going nowhere with it all. its totally cool if you dont wanna talk about it tho i understand its a v personal topic! :)

heads-up: i’m still in the process of getting a medical diagnosis for adhd (not from nhs wales, i moved to england... quite a while ago). the service in cambridgeshire is, as far as i know, aware of my existence......... and that’s basically all they’ve told me so far Y E E T

i do however have an educational diagnosis! which does not entitle me to medication (hence the medical route) but is accepted by my university as sufficient evidence to justify reasonable adjustments, and...... is also apparently enough evidence for the government to give me money? but i still have to spend ages waiting on the nhs............ hmm. anyway yeah that was mostly organise thru my uni which may or may not be possible for u? idk

basically my route to diagnosis was: 

1) realise towards the end of summer between 1st and 2nd year of uni that what i had assumed was some kind of undiagnosed depression could be symptoms of adhd, thanks to a friend of mine discussing how their adhd affected them, and then realising i exhibited Other symptoms 

2) emailing the student disability centre........ not As Soon As Possible, but pretty soon after i got back to uni, in which i expressed a desire to come in and discuss assessments for potential splds (specific learning difficulties, idk if that’s jargon only used by our uni or not?) (also yeah part of this was “i did research and loads of things overlap so Who Knows What This Is” and part was “....do not want to assume i have adhd” just in case)

3) having an appointment with one of the uni specialists several weeks later, having filled out a question on Things Affecting My Life, then in the appointment doing some of the typical pre-tests and answering interview questions, which suggested probably adhd and dyspraxia and gave them enough to advise me to go get Diagnosed

this is a step that might vary from place to place bc i know for one thing that one of my friend’s unis has their own assessor, but mine doesn’t, so they tend to rely on an external one in london...... which is private. they covered most of the funds costs for the assessment but still oof

4) get the train to london during december for a 3-hour assessment with a specialist doing all sorts of fun tests, after which she said that i’d need to wait for the report to be finalised but she felt comfortable diagnosing me with co-existent adhd and dyspraxia (or the weird grey area where some of those bits might cross over with symptoms of the joint hypermobility fuckery that runs in my family but either way presents and is managed in the same way)

5) get the report about 2 weeks later (plus a bit bc christmas and new year) confirming everything and including some fun test stats and analysis, organise a GP’s appointment for the NHS route + other medical shit i need sorted and talk to the student centre to organise a student support document + other shit i qualify for like mentoring and Things That Cost Money

GP appointment ends up with a paper pack of stuff i need to post by the end of the month (which of course i delayed until the last minute and wasn’t sure if i posted on time), SSD takes a few more weeks to organise/write and then a few more to distribute to all relevant staff. eventually found out the cambs nhs clinic have apparently accepted me when they sent me info about gdpr they’d forgotten to send and the letter header said smth about “acceptance” but that’s the last i heard from them like.... a month or two ago???? idk oof

anyway yeah so i have enough of a diagnosis to qualify for student support and provide supporting evidence for nhs route when that actually finally gets going somewhere but..... it is taking a while (i think fams on the local fb page are saying like, 6 months is typical? ugh) and the only reason i’m still pushing it is bc i want to try options for treatment rather than just symptoms management.

a few people have/are considering going the private medical route just bc things are taking so long except 1) that costs Ridiculously Lots Of Money which...... afaik this time the university won’t pay for and 2) although there is a degree of transfer between private and nhs you can do, if you get your original prescription from a private doctor and it’s not effective or has side effects i think you need to go back to a private doctor to change medication or increase/decrease the dosage, you can’t just switch to your gp and be like “ay mate”. so that costs Even More. honestly i think i only know of it as an option bc i am surrounded by People With Money and it’s not cheap even for them

so yeah, TLDR: i have a diagnosis which is just enough to access adjustments at uni and potentially look into supportive things that cost money like software etc, but am unfortunately in what sounds like a similar boat to you regarding nhs, which i am pursuing to see if this is indeed an option.

[wishhbones]

Wednesday, November 1st, 2017 -- 1:11 am

I type this as she is asleep beside me. 

I believe I met her at a swim meet during junior year of high school. I was a 15 year old boy. Hungry for attention and eager to please for it. This is our love story.

It doesn’t matter who I was around or which other girl I was attempting to flirt. I knew I wanted Valerie the most. Fuck, I think everyone knew that. The night of the swim meet we skyped for 7-8 hours into the night about Metallica and my bucket list. She has strict parents so this fact means a lot to me. I texted her everyday and like a fuckboy would say my “goodnight sweetdreams” and “good morning <3″. I wanted to get in her pants and thought I was being sly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But the more I talked to her I realize I had finally met my match. She’s funnier than me, smart; and not to mention, stunning. I’m sure of I’ve been caught a numerous amount of times staring. Just. Staring. The best part was, she would just.. stare back. I could feel the energy oscillate between us telling me that she wanted what I wanted. 

But what do I want now.......

.

I want her to be mine. 

I can’t let any other person take away this opportunity.

But

She wasn’t ready. 

.

.

And I lost it. I wanted beg... and I probably did ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

She wanted to stay as friends. That’s not what I wanted to hear. I assumed I’d be kept on a leash and be forced to watch her kiss another man.

So I left.. And she resented me, but at the time I don’t think she understood why. Through rumours I know she called me a bitch and such. okay :/

Time passed and when I would hear her name my heart would skip a beat. An equivalent to when its about to be your turn to present your project to the class. I swear I had arrhythmia too (I actually went to see a doctor about this, anyway I want to believe but I cant prove that she is the cause. o well)

She ended up dating a teammate from my swim team. Fucking hell. Of course it’s the fastest guy on the team. Of course she doesn’t want a mediocre fuck like me. This is what she wanted the whole time I thought. I hate her.

I think there was a time here where we felt interest for each other again, but she was still with him. It wasn’t right for me to take a woman away from her man. She knew it was immoral to keep flirting with me. 

It’s time for me to move on. I hated myself for hating myself. I stopped talking to Valerie. I found a girl who went on to became my lover and prom queen. And on Prom day, guess who came crying. Not my girl lol. I did feel bad. No one deserves to cry after this much preparation and in front of this many people, but I don’t think she would have let me approach her (I asked her recently, she said I should have lol).

There’s something I want to confess. Even though my prom queen was lovely. I had Valerie on my mind. All the time. I left her for the purpose of wanting a new opportunity, and guess who I went to right away. You guessed it. Val. She had newly become single and I wanted her like always.

Valerie wasn’t ready. Again...... And again she went off with someone else.......... I should have learned the first time :c

The summer after that year, I was able to witness her on the day she left that man. I’d pay good money to see that shit, but I saw it for free instead. I made her laugh that day with my awful singing. That’s a (+1) for my ego.

I want her. I crave her. I am desperately curious to know what she tastes like.

One time she actually let me come over to catch up on life. It was around the time where she had recently let go of her best friend (and mine at the time). I truly remember this distinct moment where we walked through her kitchen and I wanted to kiss her by her fridge. I didn’t. Also when she invited me to her room and I sat on her bed. God, I wanted to grab her and kiss her passionately like in the Notebook. I didn’t.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

After leaving, I texted her about how I felt a connection again and that I wanted more. I think she went along the lines of, “we’ll see how life turns out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”. Yeah, I asked her out like 3 times in a 6 month span after that. All “No”s.

But, why did she still talk to me... Does she only like the attention give to her. Thats probably it. When she’s lonely she comes to me for attention, gets high from it until she finds someone else. (This is actually what I assumed at the time).

Well, during May 2016, we clicked again. It felt real. She even said over the phone that she missed being friends with me. (idk how to insert a crying emoji here. i dont use a macintosh). We were due for a Blink 182 concert in a few months, except I had to buy my ticket separately from her and her friends. I was pumped, were finally taking off.

Well, hold your fucking horses because I was supposed to see her one weekend back from Ottawa and she stopped me. In fact, she didn’t want to continue what we had going on because she wanted to work on herself. She said she couldn’t produce her own happiness and I while I do agree that this is a very valid reason, I was fucking disappointed again.

A month goes by and I send her a regretful essay over text pouring my heart out and saying something along the lines of, “dont even msg me on my birthday, youre gonna ruin it :’(”

Another month goes by and I learn that she invited my best friend, Jeremy to go to the Blink 182 concert. She had an extra ticket. Another month goes by and I learn that she has a new boyfriend..................... 

just fucking kill me now.

It is September 2016, I fall into a deep depression. Stay high in my room. Skip class and eventually drop out of school like a fucking miscarriage. December rolls in and I find myself at home. A disappointed family surrounds me at the Christmas lit dinner table. Everyone is quiet and afraid to ask me how things are going. No one asked me actually.

My aunt gave me a self help book as my Christmas gift and I learned a very simple and great lesson. “Awareness is the first step towards Change”

I wanted to get better. I wanted to change from what I had become.

I applied to work at the pool.... which happened to be the same pool Valerie would supervise at... I carefully picked hours when she was not there. I dreaded that I would see her... but I was also sad that I didn’t see her. Strange. Anyway, I needed to reset my work ethic and picked all early bird shifts Monday to Friday. I invested over a thousand dollars into recording equipment to jump start my life as a musician. I rehearsed songs to play at open mic events. I flirted with girls again. I got back in shape doing cross fit. Soon after that, I got my first step into a job related to my field of study. I began working for Hibar Systems, an engineering firm dedicated to building high quality pneumatic pumps and assembly lines, as a Jr. Project Manager.

My life began to pick up again. Things were going great and I felt like I was finally moving on from Valerie....

One day, I decided to text her over Instagram probably about how dumb she looked in her profile pic. Apparently, it was great timing. I soon learned that she had gone through a life changing event just recently and wanted to break up with her boyfriend. I tried hard to act as a neutral body and give support.

On July 16th, Jeremy had tickets to go see Metallica. This was my first ever show and was ready to shit my pants. He had extra tickets though. So who did I hit up? ... Valerie.

And she said “yes” !

That night she told me that she only listened to Metallica because of me.. and that she thought at some point in the night that she was in love with me. Ain’t no drug can me higher than that. We had some great closure that evening. I learned that she was afraid to date me in case of the consequence that our breakup would mean the end of seeing me. That at least when were not together, I come around periodically (when im not ghosting on her) and thats better than never seeing me again.

A few days later on the 18th, I drove her back to her apartment from a get together with her friends. 

That night she broke up with her boyfriend. 

That night I kissed her. 

That night she told me, “Thanks for never giving up on me.”

It has been 6 years since I first met her. Now, I type this on her laptop as she is asleep beside me. I love her.

-Kevin ‘Konkon’ Chung

[haught-at-waverly-place]

answer all of them

answers under the cut! only doing this cause im that bored

200: My crush’s name is: no one 199: I was born in: 1996198: I am really: bored197: My cellphone company is: wtf who cares?? 196: My eye color is: green/blue 195: My shoe size is: 6.5194: My ring size is: idk small 193: My height is: smol 192: I am allergic to: cats and all of nature in the spring and summer 191: My 1st car was: an hhr or as i liked to call it a poor mans hearse190: My 1st job was: an in home care taker aka i cleaned elderly peoples homes189: Last book you read: god i dont read188: My bed is: my best friend 187: My pet: is the loml 186: My best friend: she lives too far away tbh 185: My favorite shampoo is: i use old spice 2-in-1 like the basic bitch i am184: Xbox or ps3: ps3??? what year is it the switch is where its mfkin at 183: Piggy banks are: dope af 182: In my pockets: nothing cause im a broke bitch 181: On my calendar: nothing cause im a boring bitch 180: Marriage is: cool good on everyone who is married to their best friends 179: Spongebob can: new spongebob can die cause its garbage 178: My mom: is the best 177: The last three songs I bought were? who buys songs? 176: Last YouTube video watched: air crash investigations (dont ask) 175: How many cousins do you have? idk 174: Do you have any siblings? one sister 173: Are your parents divorced? nah 172: Are you taller than your mom? nah 171: Do you play an instrument? i used to play the violin and guitar but not anymore 170: What did you do yesterday? tried not to die [ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight: idk maybe? 168: Luck: sure 167: Fate: yeah sure 166: Yourself: hahahahahahahahahahahahaha no 165: Aliens: fuck yeah 164: Heaven: ehhh no 163: Hell: no 162: God: not really 161: Horoscopes: lowkey160: Soul mates: every one has one 159: Ghosts: kind of 158: Gay Marriage: nah why would gays want to get married 157: War: war is p stupid 156: Orbs: wtf is an orb??155: Magic: no [ This or That ]154: Hugs or Kisses: kisses 153: Drunk or High: drunk 152: Phone or Online: online 151: Red heads or Black haired: black 150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: cold 148: Summer or winter: winter 147: Autumn or Spring: autumn 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla 145: Night or Day: night 144: Oranges or Apples: apples 143: Curly or Straight hair: curly 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonalds 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: this is dark chocolate erasure and i will not stand for it 140: Mac or PC: mac 139: Flip flops or high heals: neither both are garbage for the feet 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: im already sweet and poor sooooo137: Coke or Pepsi: where is my dr. pepper representation 136: Hillary or Obama: obama 135: Burried or cremated: cremated id like to go out in a burnin glory even if im already dead 134: Singing or Dancing: singing 133: Coach or Chanel: neither 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: who are you people 131: Small town or Big city: big city 130: Wal-Mart or Target: im a lesbian so target obviously 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: neither 128: Manicure or Pedicure: pedicure only cause they message my feet and legs 127: East Coast or West Coast: west coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: xmas cause snow 125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate 124: Disney or Six Flags: disney 123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither who cares about baseball [ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War: men bein garbage 121: George Bush: why? 120: Gay Marriage: hell yeah we got it 119: The presidential election: we might as well have elected a crackhead 118: Abortion: let women get them safely so they dont fucking die its that simple117: MySpace: jesus is it 2006 again 116: Reality TV: its trashy but ill watch it cause im trash 115: Parents: love your parents kids (unless they are abusive) 114: Back stabbers: are awful just like maybe dont stab people in the back literally and metaphorically 113: Ebay: ive literally never used ebay in my life 112: Facebook: its p garbage i barely ever use it 111: Work: capitalism has killed workers and quality work 110: My Neighbors: they are there 109: Gas Prices: i havent gotten gas in like 2 months so like idk 108: Designer Clothes: why are they all like so ugly??107: College: stressful and only vaguely worth something 106: Sports: fun to play but boring to watch. i only go to sporting events for the alcohol 105: My family: is v dope and i love them 104: The future: stressful and i hate thinking about it [ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone: last night it was my dad 102: Last time you ate: last night lol 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: probably back in december with my best friend 100: Cried in front of someone: oooof all the time 99: Went to a movie theater: like 2 wks ago 98: Took a vacation: january i went on a cruise 97: Swam in a pool: last summer i think 96: Changed a diaper: uhhh never…. 95: Got my nails done: god way back in high school when i thought i was straight 94: Went to a wedding: last friday! 93: Broke a bone: 3 wks ago haha 92: Got a peircing: i havent gotten a piercing since i was like 6 91: Broke the law: uhhh i plead the fifth 90: Texted: i texted my mom like 40 mins ago [ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most: myself 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my dog shes so cute 87: The last movie I saw: spiderman into the spiderverse 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: a vacation to see my aunt in indiana 85: The thing im not looking forward to: going back to school 84: People call me: uhhh my name? 83: The most difficult thing to do is: rn? pretty much everything 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never 81: My zodiac sign is: im a leo 80: The first person i talked to today was: my mom 79: First time you had a crush: first time i remember was freshman yr of college 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: my mom 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: i dont remember 76: Right now I am talking to: nobody im a lonely bitch 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully something to do with neuropsychology 74: I have/will get a job: 73: Tomorrow: wtf does this even mean 72: Today: or this one 71: Next Summer: and this one 70: Next Weekend: and even this one 69: I have these pets: a golden retriever mix 68: The worst sound in the world: 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: hahaha myself 66: People that make you happy: my family and friends 65: Last time I cried: yesterday 64: My friends are: amazing wonderful people that i love 63: My computer is: my lifeline 62: My School: is small but good 61: My Car: is a lesbian wagon that looks like i live in it 60: I lose all respect for people who: cheat on their s/o 59: The movie I cried at was: i dont usually cry during movies 58: Your hair color is: confusing kind of blonde also kind of brown 57: TV shows you watch: she ra, killing eve, grey anatomy too many others to list 56: Favorite web site: youtube 55: Your dream vacation: to go to germany 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: idk maybe my post surgery foot pain 53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium rare the only way a steak should be eaten 52: My room is: always a disaster 51: My favorite celebrity is: taylor swift 50: Where would you like to be: idk 49: Do you want children: noooo 48: Ever been in love: yes i have 47: Who’s your best friend: we aint naming names on here 46: More guy friends or girl friends: girl friends45: One thing that makes you feel great is: playing with my dog 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: A43: Do you have a 5 year plan: god no i dont even have a 5 hour plan 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: nah 41: Have you pre-named your children: nope40: Last person I got mad at: myself39: I would like to move to: somewhere other than where i am now 38: I wish I was a professional: at being not depressed [ My Favorites ]37: Candy: bottle caps or ritter sports 36: Vehicle: subaru wrx hatchbacks with a wide body kit are b nice 35: President: who tf has a favorite president 34: State visited: oregon or washington 33: Cellphone provider: who has a fave cell provider???32: Athlete: none31: Actor: idk like chris pratt or something 30: Actress: rn jodie comer 29: Singer: hayley williams 28: Band: paramore 27: Clothing store: h&m 26: Grocery store: target 25: TV show: law and order svu 24: Movie: princess mononoke 23: Website: youtube 22: Animal: red panda 21: Theme park: disneyland 20: Holiday: halloween 19: Sport to watch: none they are all hella boring 18: Sport to play: softball 17: Magazine: none i dont read 16: Book: i dont read books cant concentrate for that long 15: Day of the week: idk saturday 14: Beach: ive been to a beach like 3 times and i barely remember them 13: Concert attended: paramore after laughter concert last summer 12: Thing to cook: cooking stresses me the fuck out so i dont have a favorite thing to cook 11: Food: pasta!! 10: Restaurant: uhhh i dont really have one 9: Radio station: its 2019 who listens to the radio 8: Yankee candle scent: i dont really use candles 7: Perfume: i dont wear perfume 6: Flower: peach roses probably 5: Color: red 4: Talk show host: i dont watch talk shows they are all boring 3: Comedian: john mulaney or iliza schlesinger 2: Dog breed: corgi 1: Did you answer all these truthfully? hahahahaha