#its christmas break im trying to fuck up my sleep schedule!!!!

[siglai]

poll. should chiffon go to sleep or not

[angelsswirl]

Petrichor

Seven

⚠️ This Chapter is rated mature for sexual content⚠️

Notes: Happy Holidays everyone! Here's a present from me to you! (Dont worry I'm still on break, this has always been scheduled for a Christmas present)

..

"I hate to think about you with somebody else. Our love has gone cold. You're intertwining your soul with somebody else."

"Can I help you?" Jisoo opened her front door with a bored look on her face.

"How long are you going to be mad at me? It's starting to get annoying." You crossed your arms over your chest. Your jaw clenched and eyes locked in a semi-permanent glare.

"What makes you think I'm mad at you?" Jisoo frowned stubbornly.

"Oh, I get it now. You're a dumbass. Can't believe I hadn't noticed it sooner."

"Now, hold on." Jisoo held up a hand.

You poked a finger in Jisoo's chest, "You think you're all high and mighty just because you haven't slept with anybody else. I have needs, Jisoo! You don't get to decide who I do or don't sleep with."

Jisoo backed further into the apartment to avoid the probing finger. You followed her with a determined look in your eye. The door slammed shut behind you.

"You could have came to me!" Jisoo hollered, an almost imperceptible growl bubbled beneath the words.

"Your child was sick!"

"You didn't know that!"

"What was I supposed to do? Walk over here and ask you if you were available, then when you said no, head over to where I was going in the first place?" You sighed and shook your head, "One of us is missing the point, and it is not me."

Jisoo scowled even harder somehow. Her jaw is clenched and she's looking at the framed picture just passed your head.

"Are you 'having needs' right now?"

"I'm always 'having needs' because of stupid alphas like you!"

Before you can even blink, Jisoo has you pressed against the nearest wall, with her lips on yours.

It's a lot of clashing teeth and nipped lower lips, and you whimpered desperately or maybe that was Jisoo, you had somehow become so intertwined so quickly, it never became obvious.

Jisoo nipped lightly at your neck. A smirk danced across her kiss swollen lips. You shuddered.

Your back arched away from the wall as Jisoo's hand traveled down your still clothed stomach and into your jeans.

Jisoo groaned, "You're soaked." She pulled her hand back from its destination part way before returning.

"So I've been told."

Jisoo growled lowly, "Really? You want to be petty right now? With my hand down your pants?"

"What better time than the present?"

Jisoo's fingers traced the outline of your folds lightly, occasionally, grazing over your clit. Her movement is hindered by the tightness of your jeans, but she's determined to get you off like this first.

So, she pushed her her hand back down roughly. The heel of her palm brushed harshly against your center. Her fingers circling your entrance.

"Well, if you're so keen on talking during this, now would be the perfect time for you to beg."

You choked down a whimper, "Y-You know, you're at like the perfect distance for me to knee your dick into your throat, right?"

"So is that a no?"

"It's a keep talking and see what happens-Fuck!" Jisoo mentally patted herself on the back for that one. Her index finger curled slightly inside of you.

You couldn't have even begun to choke back the resulting whimper.

"You were saying?" A raised eyebrow accompanied her smirk. You made sure to clench your eyes shut.

"Do you make it your mission to be this insufferable?" You bit your lip as Jisoo pulled her hand out once again. You absolutely refused to beg, or do anything that would suggest you wanted Jisoo to put her hand back out of pure spite.

Jisoo, for her part, wasn't even thinking about that anymore. She had foregone her original plan. You weren't cooperating and Jisoo's straining painfully against her own shorts.

She leaned in to nip at your neck again. Her nose pressed firmly to your scent gland.

Jisoo never answered the question.

Instead, she dipped her thumbs into the waistband of your jeans and underwear. She pushed them down enough so they were out of her way.

"Jisoo." You breathed out, you were suddenly facing the wall. Jisoo pressed against you lightly.

You could feel Jisoo. Her arousal. Her breathe on your shoulder. Her hands roaming underneath your shirt, you have a feeling Jisoo won't bother to take that off of you.

Your suspicions are confirmed when there's a rustling of clothing, none of which involve anything you're still technically wearing. The heat of Jisoo's body left for about all of three seconds, before she returns sans shorts.

Jisoo chuckled into your ear, "Is this how you thought your morning would go when you woke up. Me, you, and this wall?"

You pressed your overheated face onto said wall. The cold drywall cooled your face almost immediately, "Fuck you."

"What do you think im trying to do?"

Jisoo nestled nicely between your thighs. Her hips slowly pumping back and forth.

You groaned, "Chu, please. I want you inside me."

Jisoo resisted the urge to fist pump, "Since you asked so nicely. I'm never letting you live this down, by the way."

You're sure under any other circumstances, you would have kicked her feet out from under her, but Jisoo's finally inside of you and you're not even totally sure what you were even thinking about three seconds earlier.

~•~

"Don't think this means I'm not still mad at you." You huffed petulantly as you adjusted all of your clothing back onto your body, the way it had been when you came in.

"Yeah, I'm not too thrilled with you either at the moment. Truce?" Jisoo shuffled back into her shorts. She held out her hand toward you.

You just stared at it, "Fine, truce." Your brows furrowed for a second before widening comically, "Where's your kid?"

Jisoo looked back at you confused for a moment, "Kid? What ki-Oh! She's at my parents for the week. You didn't think I'd have sex with you in my living room if she was here, did you? Of course not, I'd do it in the kitchen."

"I really can't stand you." You rolled your eyes before heading for the door.

"Then why do you keep talking to me?"

"Because Irene's already mated!" You shouted over your shoulder.

"Hey! Low blow!"

You only laughed as you exited the apartment.

~•~

She hates Whole Foods. She really does, but Lia's got allergies and it's the easiest place to shop for her.

She figured now was a good time to go grocery shopping. She wouldn't have to deal with the ankle biter pointing to every single flavor of Cheerios she recognized and pouting until Jisoo put it into the basket.

Speaking of Cheerios, Jisoo found herself in the cereal aisle. She grabbed a large box of plain Cheerios for Lia, then Lucky Charms for herself.

She was about to continue down the aisle, when her cart clipped someone in the back of the ankle.

"Sorry about that."

The owner of the ankle turned around with an easy smile.

"It's all good."

Jisoo's face lit up with recognition, only for the it to practically get slapped off her face with recognition of a different variety.

Jisoo is suddenly struck with the urge to maybe punch this woman in the face, she eventually decided that probably wasn't a good look.

Jisoo assumed she can probably sense you on her too and that's not good.

She breifly wondered if they were going to have to fight in the cereal aisle of this local Whole Foods, but then the other woman just says, "Hey, Jisoo. Long time no see."

"Yeah. It's been a while, Chaeyoung."

Rosé nodded resolutely before going about her business. Trying to get away from Jisoo as quickly as possible.

Jisoo decided to too, groceries be damned.

~•~

"You know it's no fun if you don't help." You smiled, you stared at Jisoo for a minute, waiting for her to respond.

Jisoo was supposed to be helping you clean your apartment. Instead, she had just been standing near your front door for the better part of 15 minutes. When Jisoo doesn't say anything, you just go back to cleaning with a small frown.

It isn't until 15 more minutes pass, that Jisoo actually does speak. You will forever fondly remember this next part as 'My Worst Nightmare Come To Life'.

"Do I even have a chance?" Jisoo wasn't looking at you. She only stared at the ceiling. Her hands clench to fists in her jeans pockets.

"What are you talking about?" You asked softly. You slowly placed your cleaning supplies onto the sofa.

"You have Rosé Fucking Park knocking on your door, and you still give me the time of day? Why?" Jisoo's shoulders shrugged nearly to her ears. She wrestled herself off the wall, then let her eyes drift to you.

"Because I-" Your chest hurt. Your eyes stung, and your head ache. You felt like you were curling in on yourself.

This was the very thing you didn't want to happen. You were supposed to choose one of them before they found out, so you didn't lose both of them.

"I thought-I thought. I don't know what I thought, but it doesn't matter anymore." Jisoo glared, not necessarily at you. Just at life in general. She glared at the very unfortunate hand she had been dealt.

"Wait. How did-Do you know Rosé?"

Jisoo shrugged again, "We went to college together, sung in the choir. But that's irrelevant. You could have told me. I wouldn't have gotten mad or anything. Or stopped letting you see Lia. Dammit, always second place."

"Chi-Jisoo, you're not second place." You choked on a sob. You can feel it. Jisoo's pulling away from you. And you sort of feel like you're been torn in two.

"So, I'm first?" Jisoo looked back up at you slowly. A subtle hopeful look bled into your eyes.

"Jisoo, I-" You swallowed harshly.

"Yeah. It sounds like you have a choice to make." Jisoo rubbed the back of neck, then headed for the door.

"Jisoo please." You went to reach for Jisoo's hand but stopped yourself.

"I'm just going to head out." Jisoo placed her hand on the door knob. She only hesitated a few beats before shaking her head and opening it.

"Soo..." The tears are leaking from your eyes in full force now. Jisoo continued to walk out the door.

It doesn't slam shut behind her, which you appreciated.

You wondered if you should call Chaeyoung, but you don't think you could handle her not picking up. You're not even sure if you could handle Chaeyoung actually picking up either, for that matter.

What would you even say?

That you were sorry? That you didn't mean to hurt anyone?

It all seemed a little too late for that.

[queenswearpurple]

Leaf made me do it

Leaf @hyperfixations-r-us said it was my turn to interact with people so here goes i guess… (and the person i tag to do this is...@r2-dj im sorry i had no one else to tag plz forgive me)

name/nickname: evie, my real name is not to be shared in this fae realm as it will give the fae control over me and i will never give them that much power 😤, teddy bear/bear, Iva, llama

gender: she/her (oof, in this economy?)

star sign: aquarius

height: 5’8” (it makes leaf angry bc they constantly forget im tall and suddenly they remember and get all mad and i love that i can induce rage in someone simply for being tall 😊)

time: gmt-8

birthday: 23 january (so its almost my birthday, yay.......adulting......)

fav bands: panic! (brendon kinda a dick tho), fall out boy, mcr, TOP, green day, queen, a day to remember, marianas trench, ajr, much more

fav solo artists: hozier, corpse, girl in red, hayley kiyoko, billie eilish, bazzi, post malone (i actually really like his music which is probably a surprise to some people), and many more

song stuck in your head: ...gods...the fucking wii music lives in my head rent free, but there’s also the i wanna be your girlfriend x sweater weather mix

last movie: beauty and the beast (animated version, because i finally have the disney+ password)

last show: crash landing on you (my fam got me hooked on kdramas and guys they’re so good)

when did i create this blog: i created this one after i was permanently locked out of my old ones 🙃 as for the day, nov 20, 2020

last thing googled: wedding boards pinterest (yall ever planned a wedding for fictional characters out of sheer boredom??? anyway i totally say sterek’s wedding would be like a blue/silver color theme bc blue is a color they both share (stiles thinks blue is pretty, dereks got blue beta eyes) and i think silver and blue is a nice color combo for a wedding, and they have a batman topper on their wedding cake)

other blogs: oopslookslikeishipgaystwin, pickosita5, oopslookslikeishipgaysnow (i lost the last 2 😞)

what i post: whatever i see on my dash and reblog, supporting the mutuals

following: 144

followers: 12 for this blog, 16 total

avg hours of sleep: only the weak sleep...and i am weak (id say 7-9ish hours? ive been trying to set up a better sleep schedule)

lucky number: 8

instrument: i know the first 11 notes to Welcome to the Black Parade on keyboard...does that count?

fave food:  👀 👀 👀 you cooking??? (i like any food but mostly hispanic foods bc fuck yeah)

what im i wearing: why you wanna know ;););) (my fall out boy shirt and jeans + hogwarts socks i got for christmas)

dream job: the mysterious author that lives in the lovely cabin at the edge of the woods with a cat and a dog (maybe even a fish) that only comes into the town for groceries and is not known too well by the locals but known well enough that i can greet a few by name and have lovely chats and dinner parties with them so i am not a complete recluse and no one knows what kind of books i write because i use a pen name and not one person, not even my (either male or female) partner who is one of the locals that fell in love with my mysterious aura and visited me enough to break through my shell to get to know the soft, loving part of me, knows what books in my bookshelf are written by me or if i just have them because i’ve read them/keep them for decoration 😏………or i’ll just become a high school english teacher idk 🤔

dream trip: a cabin in the woods during the winter while it’s snowing and we (my significant other and i) can build a fire in the fireplace and snuggle for warmth under the same blanket with the hot chocolate that i learned to make at a young age in the mugs in our hand and the cabin smells like the freshly baked cookies we have in the plate in front of us and we’re in cozy winter sweaters with patterns and the snow is falling outside….i am at peace 🥺😌

nationality: american (derogatory)

fav song: idk man i really vibe with I’m Still Here (Jim’s Theme) by John Rzeznik

last book i read: the tower of nero (dont kill me leaf)

top 3 fictional universes: in no particular order

-Neverland/Wonderland (put together simply bc they’re both part of disney franchise)

-narnia (bc fuck yeah i read the books, the horse and his boy was a personal favorite)

-teen wolf (but the one i created in my head thats just a bunch of found family stuff where the pack is fucking together and happy goddamn it JEFF WHAT THE FUCK YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE THEM HAPPY NOT GIVE THEM TRAUMA)

[jwnbwnjwn]

Entry 8 (12.20.2020)

 Well, it’s been a while since I’ve posted an entry on here. My last one was back in September, and man a lot has happened since. First off, My sleeping schedule has been messed up for the past couple of days, and in a bit I’ll get to why. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it in any of the last posts but, if I didn’t then my goal for the last couple of months has been to get on a (keto) diet and lose some weight, and I’m here to tell you I still haven’t, I haven’t even stuck to a diet for that matter. The only diet I’ve had has consisted of take out and midnight snacks. Anyways, now let’s get down to business. I went ahead and read my latest blog post before this and I laughed at the fact that I said I was starting a diet, yeah that never happened. Im happily at 160 lbs at the moment (not really happy about it but oh well). 

I mean covid-19 is still going on, its kinda spiking then calming down, spiking again, and its just this whole repeating situation. Everyone's still wearing and masks and doing everything to be safe, although I think my towns cases are starting to go down. It is around Christmas time so they’re starting to decorate everything, all the parks and stuff; so hopefully that doesn't spike the numbers up again. When going out though I still have to be careful, I can’t catch covid and give it to my loved ones, and I would rather not make history and get sick. 

I guess I should start here. I wish my life was still the same as it was during my last entry. I really do. I wouldn’t have known what I do now and I would’ve just been at peace, happily living my life and struggling with school. I ended up getting a D in that biology course, and dropping that math and history course. Yeah, it was a pretty shitty school year tbh. I’ve never been that lazy and unmotivated when it comes to school but man, this fall year really took a toll on me because I legit did nothing all year. In result of it, my gpa went to absolute shit and down to a 2.8. I now gotta make that up during the summer and try to get it as high as i possibly can. I just finished my second fall semester so I’ve been on Christmas break for about a week now, but honestly this break feels so lazy and gross. I am reading my last entry to see what I can catch everyone up on, as things have changed drastically. I mean my friendships are still fine, I still keep in contact with seatbelt and ice and maria. I keep in contact with them almost daily honestly. About my relationship, thats where I wish things were the way they were three months ago. Without going over too much detail, a girl reached out to me and let me know her boyfriend and Mr. were trading girls nudes again. Honestly hearing this a second time broke my heart, but I really didnt have much of a reaction to it. It hurts every here and there, but I guess im forcing myself to open my heart and forgive and forget so I can go ahead and move on already. Mr. and I are in a certain situation trying to avoid law enf*rc*m*nt so things have been kind of hard recently. He’s been seeing me many times this week just because of the fear itself that one day might be his last time to see me, but I think things are starting to cool down with our/his situation, so hopefully he’s not walking on eggshells too longer, because seeing him worried makes me worried and vice versa. He’s looking into going to therapy and having a closer relationship between him and god, in order to get rid of his old ways and make himself into the better person he needs to become. I can’t really get into details about the situation on here as it legit would be the most dumbest thing I could possibly do, but in result of getting closure about it, he told me he was planning on purposing in the near future, like before 2021 is over - but then he had to go fuck it up and put that on hold. After talking about it we’re going to have to attend counseling once again, but in hopes of fixing our relationship and getting closer again. I love him a lot, I do, but man he is one dumb ass person. I really hope and pray he gets his stuff together, because I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him. I mean, I guess we’re kind of in an awkward part in our relationship, but its honestly because of the situation we’re in, so we just have to work through this and rebuild the trust he ruined. I know he’s going to be going to individual counseling for sure, but I have a feeling that’s just going to turn into couples counseling the way it happened the first time. I hope I can get myself to go into counseling for myself as well, because man, I really do want to work through these issues I have deep down inside of me, but I can’t find the courage I need at the moment - maybe after all of this is done I will. Mr.’s dad is still really sick, but im still praying to god and the heavens above he gets better. I’ve been talking to my dad a lot and my relationship has been improving, while my moms and I’s is kind of going backwards slowly. About those two discord friends, I dont know why I put “crunch” as one of them. I forgot what his first nickname was, but I know it wasn crunch. I mean his name is cesar, so i guess i got mixed up lol but yeah i’m not friends with c*sar and shr*mp anymore. I mean I got really close with him, and I did consider im an important person in my life, until one day I logged onto Discord to see he kicked me out of the server and blocked me, which eventually resulted in everyone from the server blocking me and deleting me off roblox so, I pretty much had no say in it. There wasn't even a reason TO block me, I legit just logged on randomly and was blocked. Although I found out through someone else who was also in the server before he himself blocked me that apparently I was jealous of shr*mp and I guess calling c*sar manipulative got him upset and thinking so he blocked me lmao. Anyways, because of this I dont really play Roblox that often anymore, but instead I watch anime now. Currently waiting on AOT’s new episode releasing today so, thats something exciting to look forward to. I cant wait for christmas just so i can see the look on my siblings face when they see what I got them lol. I also got Mr. a chain bracelet, so I hope he likes it and actally wears it. There’s not really much else except being on eggshells with Mr. and wasting my life away. I’ll keep you guys updated. I’ll try to post on here more often.

Ended this at 12.20.2020 at 8:27 AM

-jen

[transrightsjimin]

just how do ppl motivate themselves to take showers regularly TT_TT i try to keep track of which days i shower or wash my hair on this week schedule form but im not keeping it up enough. i think showering more is supposed to make me feel better but ironically now that ive done it thrice this week nd washed for most of the other days i STILL feel awful but thats more bc of my nausea acting up nd lack of sleep nd anger at family nd frustration w racism against minorities in this fandom tht pretends to be super friendly nd cool despite not batting an eye at actual issues within in, nd just. all the anxieties abt money nd the future nd feeling helpless nd idk if ill ever get better or if the world will ever get better. again i know i know i shouldnt let shit devastate me but radicalize me instead but its hard when im not engaging much w a positive environment aside from being comfortable w my friend / housemate nd maybe a few mutuals nd friends i rant to who r also in deep shit (nd rly shouldnt dump all ny worries). like im just so fucking tired nd trying to get help from the municipality w getting a job has taken like HALF A YEAR now and i still didnt hear back from them bc they said it would be before christmas. and i rly dont fucking care abt christmas and wish everyone would just stay the fuck home instead of do family gatherings just bc it's legal, but urgh whenever ppl tell me 'have a nice holiday' it's always just???? wait u have 2-3 weeks off??? oh right vacations r a thing. nd i rly need a proper job if only to get a fucking break eventually instead of get stuck in this im-working-but-it-doesnt-earn-enough limbo, plus i of c have so far worked more days in the holidays bc that's when more help is needed in mail delivery so hearing abt the concept of holidays sounds so bizarre. i mean i did always feel super depressed in holidays bc i had no more structure so tuats also not good but i basically already live like that now except i cant afford to rest, according to my mind at least. but i also dont do anything bc idk how to break w patterns nd do smth unknown.

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[laptrance]

July 28, 2020

it’s been over two years since my last entry. so much has changed. to update March 8 2018 me:

you give up on job searching atm until 4/24/18. that’s when you start reaching out to all the promotion companies from kucr. planetary was the other promotion company you remembered besides terrorbird. cirstina was super nice and chill and said they just wrapped internships for the summer but to inquire again for the fall. 

you wait those months while still working at mcdonalds. you get good at it and things are second nature to you. you still have moments where you storm out, but you get better at controlling your temper. 

you check back in august and cristina says there are positions open in the fall. it was pretty easy as they accepted you right away. you do this bat shit crazy thing where you try to balance the two. planetary internship Tuesday Thursday Friday and McDonald’s the rest of the days. you even do opening shift during the weekends (4am-12pm).

you’re mostly quiet during your internship. you participate in riyl’s. you mainly talk to cristina while mailing. you don’t open up much until hayoung joins in november i think. mcdonalds is the same as usual, but your sleep schedule’s FUKED UP.

you hear in december that maria (who worked in publicity) is quitting. cristina encourages you to apply. you talk with adam and the interview tbh goes horribly. not like you didn’t have anything to say, but everything you said was wrong LOL. you also talk to george and ben and they lay out what press does but you dont catch any of that.

christmas office party happens and you drink a lot. you open up a lot to EVERYONE, iNCLUDING BEN about your love life (embarrassing) you’re obviously too drunk to drive home, but you stay over the night with nik and alison (goth bless their souls)

you check in with adam on the position occasionally until feb. 2019 when he breaks the bad news. the position’s filled. like how can you be surprised? but you’re still upset. you’re able to turn this as a positive to use your experiences to boost your resume.

you continue to work at mcdonalds and interview at places until you get a random email from adam exactly one year after you first emailed cristina about the internship. adam offers you the job. ofc you accept. you quit mcdonalds and start with planetary on may 1.

learning publicity is one hell of a learning curve. heck, you’re still learning how to do shit even now. but you’re thrown on the deep end with Luna. not your fault. not totally kristen’s fault. but that was a crazy client. 

anyways, your sleep schedule’s still fucked up because of your commute. but at least you have free weekends now! 

some highlights of 2019: you finally get a macbook! but you have a galaxy s9 as a phone lmfao. placements in The Line of Best Fit and Paste! you get absolutely entranced with warehouse raves. you literally go to at least once a month. falling in love with queen of jeans and linking up with their publicist Jamie Coletta (she’s super cool and the best at the game), going on two (2) dates with a really nice girl named sara. you got in your head and probably fucked that up. but it really wasn’t the time. christmas party 2019. same shenanigans but this time you don’t drink as much. you really look for places to move out to with ryan and he finds a house that angeli and linda live. two people are moving out and the rooms go for $500 and $600. you get the $500 room and are set to move in on Feb 16 2020. news of a disease called coronavirus is first detected in china. this will be important later.

oh 2020. what a shite year. if i told myself the things i’ll write down below i would not believe it. but here it is. everything that has happened so far in 2020:

first cases of coronavirus appear in washington on january. you’re not too concerned about it. 

you’re working this country artist aminah hughes and land a placement in american songwriter for January 31 (1st time!). there are some issues and they post it one day later, but you weren’t as attentive as you should’ve been over the weekend.

adam talks to you about it the following monday (2/3) in a really calm matter but you beat yourself up over it. so much so that on your way home, you totally don’t notice a pedestrian crossing galloping hills and eucalyptus and run them over. everything feels like a blur, but you’re able to talk to the police, karen, and kimberly (state farm) about it. you take tuesday-thursday off.

you move in (night before you saw bored lord and octo octa until 3am wtf). you don’t have a car (for obvious reasons), but you’re able to commute to work via bus/subway (which you would’ve done anyway cause you love public transportation lol)

you’re able to return to normal life mostly until middle march. cases of the newly named COVID-19 have spread throughout the united states and you hear of workspaces transitioning over to work from home operations. planetary soon follows suit. our last day in the office is march 13.

literally the week after you start wfh animal crossing new horizons comes out. that keeps you busy for like two, three months tops. it’s also a nice way to keep in touch with friends. 

your first therapy session happens on march 31. you’re able to talk about the accident, but it’s quickly directed to self-esteem. it’s an ongoing process, but you’re slowly advancing. it’s not linear, but it’s better than doing nothing.

Bandcamp establishes “Bandcamp Day”, 24 hour periods in which the site’s share of profits go directly to artists/labels. Started in April, will continue through the end of 2020. All the money I would normally spend on concerts goes here now. That and I fall to the hands of food delivery apps (door dash wins)

your campaign with Atta Boy gets going. first track premieres at Atwood Magazine (2nd time! [1st time was with sophia st. helen, another awesome client]). band’s super happy about it (even mr. josh brolin himself gave a shout out [bias ofc]). by the end of may you land their second single on THE MOTHERFUCKING FADER (1ST TIME OBVIOUSLY). 

everything else is going surprisingly well for the most part (except for elp, but i don’t wanna talk about those fucking idiots) despite the ever-changing landscape of music journalism. huge blogs are letting people go while smaller sites are remaining mostly the same. 

On May 25, George Floyd is murdered by Minneapolis police which sparks the biggest wave of activity in the Black Lives Matter movement since Michael Brown’s death in 2014. organizing/activism is still going on to this day (7/28). 

For me personally, I’m making a conscious effort to highlight Black artists on my Bandcamp days and general sharing of music. I also joined a book club (6/18) and read “Are Prisons Obsolete” in its entirety. We’re currently reading a comic series called Bitch Planet. Deep and meaningful conversations.

the family hears news of Lola’s declining health. June 23rd (Manila time) is the day she passes away. We’re all able to say our last goodbyes via facebook video call. this is the first time i see my dad cry.

funeral takes place on june 27th. we’re able to partake in the ceremony via zoom. the first and only funeral i “attended” online (so far).

I start “fixing” myself physically. I went to physical therapy from 6/8-7/7. the exercises do wonders to my knees (ty dr. bailey!). also saw a dermatologist on 7/10. really quick appt. kinda felt rushed imo, but i was given a special sunscreen that works so far? also recommended otc meds like claritin.

ended campaign with atta boy. really sad to see them go. currently coordinating with their new managers on a possible podcast and press setup. 

and that’s pretty much it! it’s a lot of shit, i know, but it happened all within 2 years. overall i’d say we were pretty successful in finding a big-girl job and MOVING OUT, WHICH I THOUGHT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN LMFAO. as for the shit you were hung up on with angelica, you’re so much better now, but you think about the good memories from time to time. sometimes it gets you down, but you’re thankful for the memories (come through fallout boy LMFAO AHAHA FALLOUT AMIRIGHT) and you learned from your mistakes. maybe it will be another two years before i leave another update, might be less, might be more. 

but i’m extremely proud at how far i’ve come.

im proud of you, me.

[fabulusshitposting]

My 2017 in a Nutshell

So I wanted to make a post were I put everything that happened during the year into one post. This is more for my sake than as a post so you can just skip over it if you want. It also probably gonna be long as fuck.  Oh and im also gonna include my new years wishes at the bottom.

January

So, I actually don't remember alot. Just that, I was starting a new semester. And afterschool theatre rehearsals for the musical I was in (Annie Jr) had started. And as per usual, my parents went "Why are you still going to theatre rehearsals, I thought we discussed it would end" and as per usual I reply "Mom, I'm in the class. Like literally, it is my class. You've seen my schedule."

February

This was the month that we perform Annie Jr. On the 14, we performed it for about 800 elementary school students who came to our school as a field trip to watch it (I also got to miss the day of school, so that was fun). My role was Pepper the Orphan. I had so much fun. And it was the biggest role I had yet, a supporting role. And I loved it. And performing for the little children was so fun because we got to hear the reactions and laughs and it was incredible. (In the picture below, I am the one on the far right)

March

During spring break, on March 17, Markiplier livestreamed some "Oxygen Not Included". I had started watching an hour into the stream and so I kept it up while I did other stuff. During it Mark say it would be great if someone made a huge form of game suggestions because everyone had been suggesting games in the comments. So I do that and post it on tumblr. One or two people pop up on it and I expected that much since I had a few Tumblr followers. Then like 50 pop up and then I was like "AHHHHH, What is happening!?" in my head. I check my phone and Mark had reblogged it. Then a few days later since I had seen Ethan (CrankGamePlays) looking for games too I made one for him and he retweeted it.

I was run crew for our musical "Guys and Dolls", this was also quite fun but that added to make March more busy for me. And I have to say one of the main things that kept me motivated to stay on top of things for the end of that school year was the fact Mark and Ethan reblogged and retweeted my thing. So Thank You for that.

April

This is my birthday month, so I turned 16 on the 24th! This month was pretty normal. It was also when we started all those reviews for the end of the year exams and finals.

May

This month school ended! I finished school. But I got a letter in the mail for credit recovery because I got a D in AP World History. The moment I saw this, it made my heart drop because holy shit how was I suppose to tell my parents that.

June

So I did my credit recovery and replaced that D with an A in just four short days. About 2 weeks later I got really sick. I was sick in bed with high fevers for a straight week and lost 10 pounds in that week too. 

July

This month was pretty normal too. I watched fireworks during the forth of July and went to the beach for a few days. And at the end of the month I got new clothes for school.

August 

So this month is when school started again. The day before school I threw up. Multiple times. And got zero sleep that night too because I was throwing up. Although I didn’t think much of it and still went to school the next day. (I also may have almost fallen asleep in my AP Environmental Science class but shhhhhh, I’ve already almost fallen asleep and have slept in that class multiple times this year. It’s not my fault the teacher has such a monotone voice)

Although I started to notice that as a few days past I still felt really nauseous every time I ate something. I would feel nauseous all day. So I go to the doctor and they say “Oh its probably Gastritis that got triggered from a stomach bug. Just eat bland foods and if it doesn’t go away in two weeks come back.” So I went back after 3-4 weeks. (Trying to find an appointment made it longer.)

I also join a knew discord server on August 19th that had some pretty cool and fantastic people on it.

September

I go back to the doctor during this month and she calls for some blood tests. Although the results for that got delayed a bit because of Hurricane Irma (I live in Tampa, Florida) When they did come back. Everything was mostly normal but my SedRate was a 72. I was told the normal was suppose to be a 20, soooo you can see the problem there. Anyways after a few more of these test to make sure it wasn’t an error I was scheduled for an endoscopy.

Also during this month Mark put his tour tickets on sale for “Markiplier’s You’re Welcome Tour” and my mom let me buy a couple for me and my sister. I payed for most of it with money I had saved up since I covered $200 of the total $285 cost.

Also during this time I was doing relatively well in school. And helped out a bit with the set building for my school’s straight show. (Barefoot in the Park)

October

I got my endoscopy done and there was nothing visually wrong but I did find out I was Lactose Intolerant. So they scheduled an Ultrasound. They also put me on a new stomach med that helped out immensely. But my parents weren’t too happy with this because 1- They thought that me being lactose intolerant was BS since I’ve been able to drink milk all my life. and 2- That I was too young to be taking everyday meds.

During the entire month though I was also stressing out about grades because report cards came out near the end of the month. 

I was also on Run Crew for our One Acts during this time.

So Mark’s tour was on the 14. The day before it I wanted to discuss the schedule we would have for the day. But my dad then goes “OH and why should I even take you in the first place. You have bad grades (I had mostly As and Bs). You know what, you’re not going” Of course this hurts me immensely since I had been hoping to go see it for so long. I had asked my mom back in June that if they came to Florida could I go see it. Those wonderful kind people I knew in the discord server I was in were nice enough to comfort me. And after about 2 hours my mom comes in and tells me she talked to my dad and that I would be going.

Anyways I go to the tour and by some insane chance of luck, I get chosen to go on stage and participate during the tour. I’ll include some pictures below that this kind person there had taken and talked to me after to send them to my email. I also have this video .

(look at Bob’s face in the back of this one tho)

November 

This month was pretty normal and relatively happy actually. School was fine for the most part. I had fantastic time with irl friends and online discord friends. I had Thanksgiving break that was also fine for the most part. I also had my ultrasound and everything was fine and normal but the accidental found a cyst on my Kidney. They said it was fine since it was small, but they did want to do another ultrasound in 6 months to make sure it didn’t get bigger.

December 

This month is when review and studying started up for midterm exams so I was worrying about those. But I ended up with mostly As and Bs so I’m personally happy (although my parents not so much, since I got yelled and fucking torn down verbally for getting a B on my math midterm)

This was also the time when deposit money was due for the trip my theatre planned to go to New York. I ha already talked to my mom and she said it was fine but my dad said no and that it was stupid and bullshit and that I shouldn’t go anywhere because I apparently am not a good daughter. So my mom gave me the deposit money and I turned that in but then I got yelled at more and more by my dad and then it just back and forth between my parents so I decided that I couldn’t take it anymore and pulled out. I couldn’t take my hopes for going to New York being crushed over and over. I actually don’t know if my mom has realized that yet. oh well.

And then we had a half assed Christmas because finals lasted up until a few days before Christmas and its usually up to me and my sister to put up decorations and stuff for Christmas. So Christmas wasn’t fun, for me at least.

So that has been my 2017 year. I think its normal as usual. The only thing that has changed is that I got yelled at more this year. And my new year wishes or resolutions or whatever the fuck you call them are the same as they have been for the past 5 years.

I hope I get yelled at less. I hope I can do something I enjoy and have my parents actually support me for once since most of the time they only support me when its something they like. I wish my life can be something I want. (But you know its probably not gonna happen. Like why do I even bother trying anymore.)

I am going to try to be better daughter too since apparently I’m never good enough too.

I just decided to do this so that maybe I can idk look back on it during next new years eve. If you actually took the time to read my shitty post about my shitty self. well then, idk what to say. 

[rxxx-queen]

a letter to nobody

mnmI want to start all of this out by saying I love you a lot. You are the most important person in my life. You have been there for me through some serious shit and for that, I will be forever grateful. But things aren’t copasetic and haven’t been for quite some time. I’m not trying to play the victim here by any means because I have done my fair share of fucking up in the past. But I’ve been saying this stuff about being unhappy repeatedly for months. And you just always seem to find a cute little way to make me feel like I’m over exaggerating or being dramatic. Nothing is ever a big deal to you. Things are a big deal to me sometimes. My emotions are pretty black and white as I’m sure you’ve noticed. I am apparently incapable of seeing the grey area until after I’ve had time to sit and think and evaluate how I could’ve handled the situation better. I can’t handle being constantly unhappy anymore and a lot of that stems from our failing relationship. I know that if this gets resolved or ended, at least I’ll have a great weight lifted off my shoulders so I can focus on getting other aspects of my life back on track without added stress or distractions. 

Issues that I believe are causing this rift and inability to actually WORK as a couple:

1. Schedule differences. - I am not blaming this on you, your job hours are different than mine. Although sometimes I stay up later than I prefer to, just to wait for you to get off work to hang out. You never have returned the courtesy and maybe gotten up early to hang out with me before you go to work. I am unemployed at the moment and almost always at home, which is located less than half a mile away from your job. You are inflexible and everything we ever do has to be centered around your schedule and desires. That is unfair to me and I no longer wish to put up with it. (A reason to break up). You are asleep all day while I’m up (usually working) and by the time I’m getting home for the day, you are just waking up for the first time and rushing into work where you continue to be inaccessible to me, and halfway through your shift is usually my bed time. So basically we never get to even speak. 

2. The week you ignored me. - Although I understand why you were so furious with me. It should have been addressed and discussed. I fucked up by putting our business on blast on Facebook, but to this day I don’t think I warranted that. And now I won’t be able to really ever trust you or will have to tiptoe around what I say to you in fear of being ignored again for another week. (A huge issue for relationships and a reason to break up).  I honestly haven’t been able to get over it no matter how hard I try to. And am scared I will always carry around this secret resentment towards you which is unhealthy to a relationship. We are absolutely horrible with communication. Anytime I try to bring up something that is bothering me or whatever, 

3. Hanging out - When we even DO hang out, it literally always has to be centered around alcohol. You can't ever just take me to dinner or a movie like normal couples? Just gotta sit on the floor in your small and poorly ventilated room while you play a bunch of music or tv shows that I don't know or care for. That is literally *all* we ever do together and I’ve gotten extremely bored with our monotonous routine. (Another thing I don’t want to deal with anymore)

4. Your drinking - I know at first, I used to always drink and party and go out with you and maybe you miss your drinking buddy (me) but at the same time, your alcoholism is ruining our relationship and at this point I think it always will cause problems and rifts between us, and I already know that alcohol will beat me in a fight for you any day cause that's all you really even care about. It’s already a problem now, so imagine what our lives will be like 20 years down the road? i can see it now: you drunk and me miserable 24/7. 

5. Life goals - nothing in regards to careers or anything, but more what you want out of life. I personally want to be married soon. I’m ready for that next step in life. I had my whole hoe phase, and my whole party girl phase, and got all that “sow your wild oats” shit out of the way and I’m ready for something more substantial. At our age, I think its very important to think about these things because we’re at the age now where most people start to settle down. I’m one of those same people. I definitely want a husband, and yeah I do want kids later on in life. You don’t want either of those things. So my thoughts are, “well why am I wasting my time with someone that doesn’t want the same end goal as me, when I could be letting guys that DO want to settle down and get married and stuff pursue me?” if that makes any sense. As many pros as there are to this relationship, unfortunately, we are focusing on what isn’t working right now in order to come to a resolution. 

What I would need from you to make things better on MY end:

-more conversations. we literally never discuss anything that needs to be discussed, and this whole sweeping it under the rug and pretending that nothing wrong thing has GOT TO GO. I don't like it and never will get on board with that. shit needs to always be out in the open, no matter how ugly it is. 

-sex in a BED and not on the ground like actual dogs, and also quiet sex is whack too

-I want to celebrate holidays and birthdays and anniversaries like normal fucking couples. I know that's more a “girl thing” but idc. I’m not going to pretend i’m okay with the fact that we didnt do anything together for Christmas or Valentines day......... our anniversary is in late November sometime after your birthday. 

-more time together. i really shouldnt feel so alone all of the time if i’m dating someone?

-stop getting my hopes up for stuff then dropping the ball and sleeping through it or just blowing it off (camping, our late valentines date we were supposed to do, etc) 

-stop pushing what you like on to me so hard. I’m allowed to have different opinions and yours isnt any more “right” than mine (music, tv, etc)

basically what it boils down to is that i need a lot more attention and most importantly, RESPECT. You have zero respect for me and that is a big no-no for me. I need to feel loved. I need to feel important. I need to feel wanted and desired and all of those things. I don’t care if you think I’m being unrealistic or asking for too much. Im not asking you for anything you arent CAPABLE of. you are just going to have to put in a significant amount more of effort for it to work. i know i dont always say what you want to hear, but tough love is never easy to receive (trust me lol my dads col. bob) and i know i’m not always easy to deal with and i might not do the best job of showing it (i will work on that) but i do appreciate your patience you’ve had with me. im trying to get out of the whole “emotions are black or white” mindset.