#its another night of work in the morning but i cant sleep bc my throat is bothering me 😋

[risaonda]

it sure is 2:40am

[flowerscorpses]

Some people just shouldn’t become nurses

Like I dont know bro, if you cant sympathise with someone… this job is prob nothing for you

It was the first day, the day i had sufgery on my throat where they took out half a thyrpid because of a tumor, and like is spent like around four hours in the wake up room, i got told its normally around like 2-3 hours but whatever right

I woke up and i was so fkin drowsy and nauseous, i had to wait til the doc gave to ok that i can get into my station room. On the way i could barely open my eyes and this fkin nurse was like: "you should open your eyes or why are they so small? Are you chinese?" And this is so wrong in so many ways like wtf….

Anyway my parents came, i threw up, and i eventually fell asleep again. I woke the same day to the doc telling me that it was good that they took the thyroid out, bc the know was apparently very hard? And he proceeded to tell me that they damaged a nerve which led the paralysis of my right vocal cord. I tried to ask if it was like a bad tumor but he couldn’t hear me💀💀 one of the assistant doctors understood me tho and the doc said we will know in a week (so i will know monday about that)

Anyway. I fell asleep again only to wake up and threw up. My roommate, a sweet older lady who had cancer, called for the nurses on my behalf (i am so sorry i woke the lady up 💀)) And those nurses were nice and helpful and helped me calm down blah blah i went back to sleep

Next morning (friday) the one nurse came to wake us up. And she was like: "You are still sleeping? You should open your eyes or are they usually thid small"

Like bro wtf is your problem? Its not even 24 hours after the surgery what do you want from me i am in pain

But i couldn’t talk so whatever. I ignored her. I could t eat the breakfast bc of nausea. Lunch also was too difficult to eat. Even the cantine lady showed more sympathy than that fucking nurse.

Anyway the roomie old lady gossiped a little with me and said that the staff is a but weird and that they should know their work and not ask us how we want things (they like asked her what she wanna eat and how much and my roomie just didnt know bc she had like colon cancer). So we like gossiped a bit and she told me its weird af that they wilm release me saturday i already bc of the way i had to threw up and stuff and yeah its kinda weird but i wanna go home anyway so whatever

The bad nurse came into the room at one point again and told us we should stand up and move and that i really should stop having my eyes closed all the time. Even remembering this is frustrating me so much like wtf woman

Anyway at night another nurse came and gave smth against thrombosis, didn’t even hurt, i tried to sleep. But at one point late evening i hot sudden stabbing pains in my back and chest. I reflexively called for a nurse and bro…. It wasnt that one bad nurse it was another bad nurse i will call her nurse B. Nurse B asked whats wrong, and i tried to tell her that i am not getting much air. Admittedly my voice is really weak and almost non existent but her first reaction… she was like: "do you want painkiller?"

To your alls information i had gotten painkiller two hours before this incident. So i tried to convey her that, no, i had some already and that the problem is my chest and air

But the nurse B just was like disappointedly like: "So no painkiller?"

Bro i got so fkin frustrated i was near tears okay like i am in pain, i am scared af and this nurse is talking about painkiller to make her job easier. I said no and she left said she would get a serum for me. Whatever that serum is i have no idea. Anyway she left. I waited like 10 minutes. I texted my bestie instead and she like helped me calm down and agreed that it just might be anxiety and my head causing me chest tightness. So i decided to take a walk in the floorhall to get my brain tired and if i collapse someone would see and have to react. So i walked for like 10 minutes i think. I teyted a bit more with the bestie back in my room and fell asleep. I think it was like two hours later that nurse B returned with a Serum. I didn’t need it anymore but i could say or do anything at that time anymore so urgh luckily it didnt cause me damage. But normally they have to check in like 20 minutes later to get the empty bottle off and stuff… guess what? They didnt.

Its saturday now, I wake up to the assistant docs telling me that i can go home in a few hours after they pulled the pipe out of my throat. I was like okay cool and fell back asleep.

I woke up to the cantine lady bringing breakfast, she was like: awww you are leaving today already, Mausi?

And i dunno that lady was really nice and sweet to me, prob the best staff member in that hospital, she should get a raise just for her empathy.

I somehow fell asleep again i think? I am not sure or no i think i took my hormones and then had one bun and a chamomile tea and fell asleep after that. I woke up and found like painkiller juice for me on my table which i took bc pain. But there were two more pills for me to take. And i asked a nurse what that is for and she was like: those are painkillers

Like excuse me why are you giving me so many painkillers at once????? I didn’t take them for obvious reasons… like… i dunno bro thats overdosing. I might have intrusive thoughts but i still want to live.

Anyway bad nurse came and guess what she said? That i should stand up and move more and not sleep all the time. BITCH. I. AM. RECOVERING. FROM SURGERY. I. AM. FATIGUED. I HAVE HORMONAL IMBALANCE. I HAVE PAIN. I AM AWARE THAT MOVING IS GOOD MAYBE YOU SHOULD MOVE MORE AND DO UR WORK PROPERLY.

Omg wait did i say she gave me an thrombosis i jection the nigjt to saturday? I might have mixed up the day. Like the first one i got from another nurse which i didnt even notice, that was like the night to friday. And the second one i got the night to saturday and it was bad nurse giving me the injection.

I am sorry my mind is scattered okay like kdkdnndny It hurt so bad when she injected it. Normally u like pinch the tummy fat so it doesnt hurt. But bad nurse just stabbed the needle in. It burned for an hour and hurt. And today i noticed that it had bled.

Anyway back to the other part uhhhhh ah right. Bad nurse was there and told me to move yada yada yada. She took the pipe out of my throat and thank the fucking stars nothing happened while she did that. I only am left with a little hole that should be healing.

Two hours later i got the docs letter and everything and was able to leave that fkin place.

And i am still dizzy, tired and in pain.

But at least i got rid of this now

Puuuuh

Whoever read this.. i am sorry for wasting your time💀

Have a nice day

[violetarks]

Hello!! I saw you were asking for fictif requests and was wondering if you haven't already, may I have some general fluffy headcanons for Felix? I hope you have a wonderful day💕

General Fluff Headcanons

Game: Fictif

Character: Felix Iskander Escellun

Most definitely craves physical contact

But its that kind of thing where he thinks the more he desires it and stares at you, the more of a chance the universe will tell you to walk over and hug him

It takes you a while until you turn your head, bc you feel like someone is burning holes into your head :))

But all you see is felix flipping the page of his book

Felix: "is something wrong?"

You: "do you... need something?"

Felix: "pardon? no, i dont need anything."

But you know better

He's blushing, embarrassed that you caught him or nearly did

And you can see it as he adjusts his glasses, clearing his throat

Anyway, you do hold his hand, hug and kiss him if he feels comfortable

You hold his hand through portals and in market, bc he doesnt want to be separated from you

Kissing him in public is fORBiddEN bc he'll get all flustered and not be able to function right, resulting in glaring your way and pouting

Hugging him is okay, as long as you dont see his face, so youre usually hugging from behind or digging your face into his shoulder

Speaking if which, it takes a while for him to get used to it all

The first time you grabbed his hand out of the blue, he jolted and squeezed your hand really hard, making you pull away

He apologised over and over again as anisa looked over your hand to check for any injuries (none)

Anisa only did that bc of how much felix was overreacting

He felt so bad that he avoided you for some time

After that, you walked up to him and held his hand again, just casually and this time he didnt freak out, just staring at you

Love :)))

Calls you darling or dear, bc he's old timey like that

But that only happens every once in a while

He'll be distracted or so relaxed that he doesn't notice, but everyone else does

First time, went like

Felix: "love, are you finished with my spellbook?"

You: "i... uh..."

Anisa: "what did you say, felix?"

Felix: "hm? I asked about the spellbook y/n borrowed from me."

Sage: "oh my goodness, you're so bold, felix. i supposed youre different behind closed doors, huh?"

He's so confused??

And you just hand him the book and dont talk about it until after dinner

He's blushing wildly before announcing his return to bed and hiding under the covers

His sarcasm is limited to sage and anisa, and only sometimes you

Bc he usually uses his sarcasm to show how annoyed he was

But with you, its more or a joking matter

Sage gets sad bc you get some privileges over him :((

You two do get up to some mischief tho

Like you both go ahead and make felix blush owo

But sage once convinced you to steal felix's giant coat, and you two ran around the building just playing around

Anisa and felix found you two on top of on of the highest balconies, trying to see if sage's spell for making objects levitate would work on just felix's jacket

Felix: "what do you think you two are doing???"

You, standing on top of the railing as Sage is about to push you off with only Felix's coat above your head like a blanket: "nothing"

Felix then cast a spell where sage becomes invisible to you and you cohldnt hear him at all

Anisa told felix to rake the spell away since sage was weeping in the corner

Sleepy felix :(((

He's at his desk and doing stuff when he falls asleep

You either drag him to bed or pull up a chair to sleep next to him

Although he is a night owl, he goes three days without sleeping and passes out for nine hours

Felix likes to sit next to you at dinner

Sometimes you use your magic to prank or tease felix

But it really never works since he's taught you all you know

He'll be looking for his spellbook and then sigh,, looking your way and just raising a brow

Felix: "drop it this instant, my darling."

You: "fiiiiiine..."

The book drops from the ceiling, right into his palm

Another thing

Felix feels the need to return the gestures

So he will kiss you on your forehead when you get giddy for completing your spell just right

And then look away hastily

Or he'll grab your hand and pull you away when youre about to bump into something

And he just wont let go

Sleeps next to you and once he knows youre asleep for sure, he kisses your palm or kisses your cheek

There are times when he doesnt know what to do

Like when youre upset

Maybe you felt extra sad this morning, or you were feeling homesick, or just not that great at all

Felix does not know how to deal with other people's emotions

The best you'll get is

Felix: "are you feeling well, my dear?"

You: "oh, yeah. i'm fine, felix."

Felix: "alright."

And he's screaming inside bc he cant ask you again now, he's embarrassed to

He knows for sure that something is dead wrong when you go to bed

Maybe your grip on him is too loose, or youre not holding him at all

And he's just thinking about what he can do

Sometimes you start crying and felix cant take it anymore

He turns around and digs his face into your shoulder, arms around your torso and pulling you close

He's holding you so tight that he thinks you'll break if he lets go

You slowly hug him back, crying into his hair

Felix: "... i dont know of what has happened, but you are free to tell me whatever it is that is bothering you, my darling. i... i can help, in some way..."

You: "thanks, felix. i appreciate it."

N e way :))

The most common thing to happen between you two is probably for felix to brush against you a lot

He's trying not to be suspicious so you dont see it, but its when he doesnt watch where he's going that he messed up

Felix, hitting his hip on the corner of the table in an attempt to step closer to you: "my lord, oh my goodness..."

You: "felix, you can just ask me to stand next to you."

Felix: "... i dont know what youre talking about."

Out of everyone in the group, he probably trusts anisa to take care of you the best when he's away

Sage and you almost always get into trouble and he can not handle the energy you two bring out to open

Anisa keeps you contained and helps felix feel at ease bc she can definitely beat a bitch or two

Felix likes having your head on his lap when he's reading

Its one of the only ways you can be close together like this once someone is busy

He's running fingers through your hair and up and down your arm, other hand holding his book as he reads through it

Felix: "are you already asleep, my darling?"

When you don't respond

Felix: "I love you..."

...

You: "I love you too, Felix"

Felix: "i knew it"

You play with his glasses sometimes

He'll be looking for another book or something and you steal his glasses from his desk and just play with them

Or if they're around his neck and you're sitting in front of him

You'll tug him from the chain of his glasses to give him a quick kiss

He burns red and then pulls his glasses on to continue reading

Wrapping your arms around his torso makes him putty in your hands

He immediately leans into you

Kiss him when he's annoyed

Just a quick smooch on his cheek

He' calm down and just dig his head into his hands

You're so warm and so kind to him

He feels like he doesnt deserve it but you assure him that he does, he deserves the world :))

[loriinae]

recent mental health happenings

don/t re/blog this pls thx

me, for 1.5 months @ the psychiatrists office for a checkup: im doing great! i cant think of anything troubling me

psychiatrist: wow! you dont sound depressed at all, sounds like the meds r doing good for you. ill keep you on the same stuff and ill see u again in 3 mo

immediately after, someone points out ive been a bit distant, and ive realized other ppl have been making comments here and there abt it ... its fine its ok ive been good even if ive been a little detached its just cus im busy (work/school/recent health troubles meaning frequent dr/pharmacy trips)

me, a week later: crying almost daily and feeling on edge abt everything

me, now, after eating/practicing driving/buying smth online: i feel alright! i can do this! i just have to get thru this. it wont be bad forever

and yet.... in the back of my mind... i kno if i think too hard abt any one subject ill start crying. maybe i should just keep myself busy? but that makes my stress build up and i have a crash.. existing peacefully is hard ):

less vague, medical stuff, ive been feeling self conscious abt myself bc im taking 7 pills a day (4 of which are the same med, so 4 dif prescribed pills) and i have to do a daily morning/night nasal routine and i havr to do this for a month (normally its just 6 pills) and i kno i shouldnt feel BAD abt being on lots of meds and that its not a bad thing. and yet ... bad feelings happen. i think it might be partially from my mom telling me every other day that i should wean off my pills someday and that i shouldnt rely on them longterm

im on extra stuff bc of a ears/nose/throat specialist whos trying to help me with my weird scent problem. idk if ive mentioned here before, but ive had inconsistent occurrences of some strange smell since december... im bad at describing smells, but it gets worse if i forget to brush my teeth, eat/smell greasy/sugary foods, use makeup sprays or visit makeup stores, drink alcohol... ive asked ppl around me if they smell anything, and ask them to smell my breath, but its just me... blowing my nose makes it worse? and it usually goes away after a night of sleep but sometimes it doesnt. it shouldnt be a big deal but sometimes it gets so unpleasant its distracting, or so foul i cant eat. anyways idk what the hells going on and so far the specialist doesnt either. so ive spent $160 on 2 specialist visits, an antibiotic prescription for sinusitis (which i dont have), and a CT scan to check my sinuses (which are perfectly fine). i have another $10 prescription, and an allergy test scheduled (prob another $50) and another specialist appt (def another $50) but i feel like im throwing my money down the drain while the problem persists /:

on top of that, im trying to work on car stuff, since im 20 and dont have my license and im relying on other ppl for rides even tho i got a car... but my car was cheap on cargurus and we've sunk a lot of money fixing stuff (also fixing things i caused... ie accident repair and battery repair - the battery died bc i hadnt been driving it) and we're spending more... also i dont think ill get over my car anxiety for a while

SO work/school/normal health stuff + extra health stuff/car stuff im....... very very stressed. on top of that im having some social stuff going on. and idk if the problems are real problems, or my stress makes me think its problems... either way it also adds to my stress. also makes me feel like i cant talk to anyone abt my stress so im posting this instead!!

anyways. i should be working on hw i have a rough draft due tues, a test on wed, as well as a big paper (10% of my class grade) due on wed. and i havent started work on any of it 🙃

i would greatly appreciate kind words from friends , or strangers ... ough

[ahgaru]

DAY6 Imagines: Once/Twice Series’ Special Chapter (4)

Pairing: Brian x Reader

Word count: 1,706

Read: Once is a coincidence. Twice is not. , Once is enough. Twice is too much. and Special chapter (1) , (2) and (3) first before reading this :)

Note: It would be nice if you could play Letting Go later. (You’ll know when to play it. Hehe)

“So have you seen it? Did you watch?” You feel lethargic from crying until you fell asleep last night and now you have to deal with your workmate who won’t just stop bugging you when it comes to their band.

“Yeah…”

“Really?!” She then proceeded to tell how she felt while watching the music video; how she felt the pain that was conveyed through the song; how she cried because the song was telling a story “And have you heard their other songs from the album?” You shook your head and she made you sit and gave you her phone. She plugged her earphones in your ears and clicked something on her phone before she left you in the dressing room.

You heaved a sigh of surrender as the song started playing. Oh, this one seems a lively song. You were moving your head trying to go with the song’s rhythm as you were listening to the lyrics.

It’s been a while since you left

But even when you weren’t here

I always had you by my side

I put my hand in my pocket so you can always link your arms with mine

Why are you making me like this? (Why did you do that babe)

You arched your forehead as you realized that the message is still sad despite its lively vibe. You bit your lip as you started to feel your chest tighten again. And you thought your heart stopped when you heard him sing the next part

Every day is the same, I’m running around a wheel

I really hope this feeling changes

Not having what you want makes your heart hurt, I’m only human

You squeezed your eyes close as you try not to play a movie of your memories in your head again. I’ve had enough last night. Please.

I guess this is what they call a habit

In an empty room with no one inside

I’m waiting for you to return

But nothing really goes the way you wanted them to be. Not before, not now. Tears started to well up in your eyes. Never in your whole life that you’ve imagined yourself crying because of a song that doesn’t even have a sentimental sound. But the lyrics!

My hand habits that touched you, my hand habits toward you

My mouth habits that called you, my mouth habits for you

You just want to slap yourself from crying again. Aren’t you tired of crying every single time that you are reminded of him? It’s been 5 months, hasn’t it? But it still hurts the same. Why didn’t it go the way you wanted it to be?

I’m calling out to you in the empty air

I’m beckoning to find you

You became my habit

Became my habit

And it’s so hard, knowing that he’s also a habit and habits are hard to give up.

Became my habit

You hurriedly wiped your tears when you heard the door open. And once again, you were attacked by numerous questions. Your workmate even teased you for crying in Habits. “You can relate to the song so much, don’t you?”

As things started to change for them, things stayed the same for you. After another 5 months, you’re still working at the coffee shop; stuck with your workmate who’d always talk about someone you don’t even want to remember. When your working schedule changes, those are the times that you were thankful for. At least your ears would be able to rest from hearing anything about him. But unfortunately, your new shift is being with the said workmate again. You really have nothing against her. It’s just that, you just don’t want to add salt to your wound.

It’s been 10 months since the breakup but you’re still hurting. Even if you want to convince yourself that you’re already numb from feeling the pain and regret, you’re still hurting.

No one’s really numb anyway. People can’t just accept the fact that after all this time; they’re still hurting for the same reason. And you’re not an exception.

Sometimes you’re being eaten up by your jealousy; seeing him being close with a girl and especially if their fans are trying to pair them up. Somehow you’ve learned not to mind the fans who swoon over him but you can’t just deny the fact that when it comes to this girl, Ayeon, you couldn’t restrain yourself from getting jealous. She seems to be close with the band because she’s a friend of Jae. Eventually, fans saw that Brian and her have a chemistry. Who cares about chemistry?

You trusted Brian so much to ask for that break but now you don’t know if you’d be able to still trust his feelings for you since it didn’t really go how you wanted it to be. And when another album was released, your world started to shake and slowly crumble. Is this it?

I got something to say, let’s meet up

Now we sit silent, facing each other

I keep thinking in my head

Should I say this or not

Although I don’t want to

You exhaled softly as Jae started singing. Just as they’re having their comeback, your feelings are having one, too. You felt a familiar sensation enveloped your heart. Oh, yeah. This is what I felt when I was watching their Congratulations MV. Jae still has those eyes full of sentiment.

I’d been holding on to you for so long

But now I must let go

There’s nothing I can do for you

It’s the only way to make you happy

So I let go, let go, let go

Is this a confession of him letting you go? Is this him telling you that he’s finally ready to stop holding on to you?

So you can smile someday

So you can smile

But what if letting you go isn’t the reason for you to be able to smile someday?

I remember our good times

The days of laughter and fun

Memories ever so precious

Fill up inside me

Although I don’t want to

As he started singing, as he was intoning about your memories, a series of them played in your head. And just when you thought you’ve already shed more than enough tears that you’re supposed to, another stream of tears was shed.

If Jae’s eyes were sentimental, Brian’s were intense. As he started rapping, you intently looked at him. He was giving off the same vibe as he did in Congratulations. Eyes were narrow; forehead furrowed; veins on his neck were visible. Although it is about telling you he’ll let you go, he seemed to be livid.

Ah let go, let go,

The bright future we sought together

I know I know we can no longer

Wish for a happy ending

Like the land hardens after the rain

Pain is only temporary, someday you will meet

Someone who can make you happier

That’s the kind of love you deserve

I got to say good bye right now

You wanted to pat your shoulder for making it to work the next morning. But your eyes wouldn’t just let you hide the fact that you cried yourself to sleep last night. You readied yourself to deal with your perky workmate today but she’s awfully quiet. She didn’t bother you about the comeback, the new music video, anything regarding the band but she kept on stealing glances.

“Are you okay?” She asked you in the dressing room when both of your shift ended. You answered with a nod and a small smile.

You examined her as she was standing near you. “You seem hesitant about something. Is there something you want to tell me?”

She avoided gazes and you motioned her to sit beside you. “Actually…” she trailed off as you encouraged her to continue “Young K was here yesterday”

Your eyes widened a bit. Yesterday was your day off but she said she went to the coffee shop to have a coffee with her friend. That’s when he saw Brian entering the place.

“He seemed to be looking around. Like… trying to find someone?” She paused and looked at you for a hint to stop or to continue “Aren’t you friends with them? I think he was looking for you”

“Did you talk? Did you tell him?”

She shook her head. “Can I ask you something?” You nodded “You seemed to be crying a lot since the day I met you, especially when it comes to their songs. And you seem to not like their band to be talked about. I was thinking if you cried again last night when their new music video was released?”

You raised a brow and she cleared her throat. “By any chance… Did you have a past relationship that you’re reminded of every time you listen to their songs?” Your eyes widened in surprise and you were taken aback by her question “Perhaps… Is it Young K?”

Was it that obvious? Or was she just observant and wise? She murmured her apologies for asking and excused herself. But before she could even turn around, you grabbed her wrist as you let out a breath.

You’re just tired; tired of walking away from it; tired of pretending not to care; tired of putting up a mask that you’re okay. So for the first time, you opened the door for her to see and know. You told her everything, letting you cry your heart out and hugged you when you have no words left to say.

“I understand”, she whispered as she wrapped you in her arms, not minding if her shoulder will be soaked by your tears.

That’s all you wanted to hear. All this time, for 10 months, that’s all what you needed. Finally, there’s someone who understands you. If you had known, you might just have opened up to her sooner.

You both fixed yourself after a little while so you can both leave from your workplace. You were thinking about him as you opened the dressing room’s door to leave; wondering if he knows you’re working there. As if on cue, you found him walking toward the entrance as you froze and forgot what move means.

Ok, nothing much in this chapter.. Next special chapter might be d ending. I just cant take it anymore. Ive been feeling extra emotional I never imagined myself crying bc of Day6's Habits. I used to move my head & body quite a lot but bc of this, it became a sad song for me;-; lol

Thoughts, please? :)

Special Chapter (5)

[sanfranciscoyoginigypsy]

june 4th 2017 1:03 am

Saturday i saw roger waters with kevin. a spiritual experience indeed it was. My world was changed, and i was closer to myself and the spiritual world. that day i did a focus on meditating and yoga and chakras. i focused on my root chakra and did yoga on it with a youtube tutorial, and before that i practiced meditating with my chakras. such a great idea. on our way to the show, i was thinking about the edible i got from colorado i should've taken, but I'm glad i didnt. i had such an intune experience with myself with the whole thing. literally pink floyd is my favorite and roger waters is my favorite. and he played wish you were here and i almost cried. i almost cried at almost everything. it was so beautiful it was beyond words. and for dogs we snuck closer with brandon moscheo and my energy was set loose. i was dancing and screaming and exploding. i was so close and couldn't believe any of it. dogs is one of my favorite and just everything i was so grateful for. in my yoga my intention was for gratitude. the instructor asked what do i wish to become a warrior of, and i said gratitude. and it happened. the night is undescribabl,e but it changed and opened up a lot for me. thought a lot and felt a lot of my brother .. kevin is so fun. we made so many jokes and it was so nice being with him. i slept over his place in kyle and it was so great. we listened to rage against the machine and painted and listened to pink floyd all night. we watch dark side of the moon mixed with wizard of oz and it was so loud. i went to his moms room to sleep and i could hear it playing from his room. it was so nice. then in the morning we had breakfast tacos and went to a sun flower field and took pics and i brought some sunflower roots that were tall to grow back home but by the time i got home they were dead): but we went to this vintage shop and it was fun. in general i was more intone with everything and enjoyed it and kevin is such a fun great guy. he made me laugh so much and we said so much jokes and it was never awkward, i slept over and it was so fun and great. then i was going home but deiced to go to book people in austin downtown since I'm already driving towards there to read some books. so i detoured to whole foods to park my car and read a chakra book in whole foods for like 2 hours. it was so inspirational and eye opening, i need to get it from amazon its such a good read. it opened me to think how i should not ignore my throat chakra, and express myself more. which I've been doing so good at. and focus on whats bothering me. i deiced i was going to lay it onion that i dont want to hold him back from anything, just have closer and clearance that we are not a thing, bc i love myself and respect myself more. and i went to book people and read about old souls which was so fucking trippy i need to read more about it then i was stuck bc there was yoga for free at whole foods but i wanted to go home but i ended up staying for it and met with alit. which was another trip for me. she was so drama and everything, talking about and focused more on other peoples lives than herself.i see where her struggles are and how they grow. i was reading her. but we had dinner together and thats were i saw her weaknesses. she wanted to leave but couldtn, and was still stuck on pat. i eventually saw something in her that rang a bell for me and was a lesson but i cant remember. then went to dillions for another party, but when i walked in i decided to ignore sam for my own comfort, bc he ignored me the hole day and last night and it was weird. i felt very good not focused on his energy bc it is so strong around me. its like screaming at me, our connection, our wavelength. and went straight to brendon and told him about my roger waters spiritual trip and everything and it was so good. i was so happy and content and glad to better. then i played rock band with a few people and sam was in the same room but it was awkward tension bc his energy was so strong i couldn't quiet ignore the whole thing but i was still content, until 20 min later he came up to me and was giving me so much attention. messing with me making laugh pushing me and eventually putting me in a headlock like he always does and there we go wrestling again for the like 5th time. i loved it.but at first was uncomfortable and was wanting him to just go away, he even mentioned wow you're very good at ignoringmeand its completely a good trait. so there i go already with his energy totally overpowering everything else in that moment and room and just everything. everywhere i went and did i was like sam sam sam sam i was just obsessed allover again. when i talked to someone i thought about him and just everything. it ruined it. and brennon was talking to me and said sweet stuff like he appreciates me and loves me and would never hurt me and that the best to feel someone on an emotional level is music. and i was touched by the fact that he said hewouldnt hurt me, bc i felt like sam hurt me. hours go by and m having fun but agains ams energy is so overpowering and i finally come to terms that it creates blockage for me to not express how i feel and ignore my emotions and make myself uncomfortable fro someone else comfort. this was all thought about after i said i was leaving, but it was so hard to leavevei was just sitting in my car bc i was so sad and heartbroken over him.  he didnt even do anything. eventually dillion comes out as I'm just emotionaly begging someone to come see me and we talk and i tell him whats bothering me. then we sit outside bc i said i want to see the stars and sam and brennon and everyone comes out to say bye and sam runs to me and pushes me on the grass and starts wrestling me again and eventually said u wanna talk lets talk and i said i do want to talk and we went back and fourth about it for a hot minute bc he was confused if i was serious and i.e. eventually told him. i said this thing with me ignoring how i feel for someone else comfort is creating a blockage fro my soul, so i mu  I'm just gonna say it, i really like you. it didnt sound that well organized, it was messy, but intentionally thats what i meant. he was tounge tied, not really going anywhere but making sense. basically just pointing out situations where he didnt mean to hurt me, saying if i said this at a certain time he would've dropped everything for me, saying that it was hard to read bc he couldn't tell if i loved him or hated him (which was what i wanted bc i heard ppl say that he thinks i already liked him before i told him) and it was just a little like not going anywhere. i can tell he wanted the conversations o end, suggesting a shorter way to get back, rushing to get back, and when we got back he basically was like yup lets go like theres nothing else here and just trying so hard to get out of it. i told him I'm not expecting anything out of it, i just needed to say it. and boy i felt so great doing it. and today i told jon everything. how i dont want to be heartbroken anymore or anything and just finally had closure, it was hard and he was pulling cards that would've worked on me from the past, like saying  he's gonna block me and to have a good life, but i wa sos professional and understanding, anti wasn't working, i was letting him do all this, rather than beg him back.