#its always so so hard to tell if im dissociated and i usually only noticed i was when it goes away?

[dyke-mecha]

Got very rudely snapped out of dissociation yesterday (stabbed myself) I think?? It's so hard to tell for me always. But I'm actually in a much better mood now despite a lot of pain (back). Wild what happens when you're not totally clocked out of reality

[nepsah]

day 12 ! this is... a cropped vers of the full pic bc i think narrowing it down to this is better than including um... more of the trees??? the sky?? idk. its all the same shade of purple anyway /shrug

im soooooo not used to drawing stuff like this but how else do u get skills:tm:

When you are more aware of yourself again, you realize that Tsoji (it must be Tsoji) has stuck something to your chest. A bracelet has been secured around your wrist as well, with a small metal disk that rests over the visible veins. Tsoji is driving. The sun is setting. Atsia notices that you are ‘awake’ and pats one of your knees gently.

“Those are to monitor your heart rate,” he says with a nod to your wrist. You were staring at it too obviously. “You don’t have to wear them if you don’t want to, but it… it’ll make it easier for us to tell if something’s wrong.”

You don’t understand. What could be wrong…?

Atsia’s expression takes on that pitying smile that you can’t decide if you hate (since when did you have opinions like that?). He pats your knee again- oh–... you asked that out loud, didn’t you?

“We’ve noticed that it’s a little hard to tell when you’re upset. The monitor is just to help us see that sooner so that we can avoid any more dissociation episodes if possible,” Atsia says. 

“I don’t- what is diss-disso-” you struggle to pronounce the word. Your tongue feels heavy and unwieldy. Did you lose time again?

“It’s… it’s like when your mind kind of… leaves your body for a little while. Everyone does it a little bit, but doing it too much is usually a sign that something’s wrong,” Atsia explains. He seems more worried about upsetting you with each word.

Was it dissociating when you settled back-seat in Tsoji’s mind, in the hospital?

Are all the times that you’ve lost time dissociating? Where did you go?

Tsoji looks back over his shoulder at the two of you. That alone is enough to make Atsia give your knee another squeeze.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s normal for someone who’s had a really traumatic incident to do it,” his voice is soft and soothing. The purple-orange haze of his aura stretches out over you, coating you in a comforting blanket. He… he really, truly wants you to feel better. Again, as always, it’s baffling to you. Shouldn’t you be used to that by now? You know them both to be kinder than you thought was ever possible.

You still don’t really understand… but as you sit in the confusion, rethinking every time you seem to have disappeared from existence only to ‘wake up’ in a different situation than you last remember, a growing sensation of fear pools in your belly. How much time have you lost? And what were you doing when you lost it?

Slowly, your hand slides over Atsia’s that is still connected to your knee. Your fingers hook around his palm, allowing him to squeeze the tops of your knuckles with this thumb. You are trembling, the heart monitor is beeping with increasing frequency. (They are both concerned.) You lock eyes with Atsia - the same black eyes as Tsoji’s yet somehow less all-devouring.

“Did I hurt you?” you ask. Even to you it’s plain from the wavering tone that you are terrified of the answer.

The vehicle slows to a stop. The three of you rock gently forward when it finally stops moving. Tsoji spins his driving seat around slowly. All around you, the sounds of the forest creep in. Wind whistling through trees, birds you cannot see singing to each other, and the far off cry of something you don’t know the name of. It feels like an eternity of silence coated in background sound goes by before they finally, finally answer.

“You’ve never hurt anyone,” Atsia says. His voice is soft, barely a whisper over the sounds of nature and your own overactive heart.

Tsoji moves closer to the two of you. Reaches out to take hold of your other hand. Gives it a little squeeze.

“But I remember-” your mouth protests. 

Tsoji shakes his head, and the words die in your mouth before they finish leaving. “You scared people. You didn’t hurt them.”

“But you wanted-” your mouth starts and this time it is you who clamps your mouth shut with an audible click. Pain shoots through your tongue as it is sliced by your teeth- too slow to get out of the way. It’s only a small nick, but the taste of blood fills your mouth anyway.

The twins share looks. Tsoji’s conflicting emotions swell and then burst into guilt. He drops his gaze, but does not drop your hand. “I’m sorry, Kiki. I was… it was, and is dangerous to be out here. I didn’t want to move you before you were ready. I wasn’t sure that what happened wouldn’t happen again and be worse.”

[mychemicalaromanticism]

things ive already established r on this post

besties this got so fucking long but heres a giant ramble about cherri

okay so. there are huge differences betwn cherri as a hyperviolent drac hunter and cherri as a friend of the four and cherri as the girls mentor. with the first one he was 17 and desperate to distance himself from his upbringing so he went all in on Being A Killjoy. he was always one of the first ppl to rush into a fight and he fought hard. he blew up his fuckin hand with that attitude. and all the while he was just racking up more unaddressed trauma and eventually he ran away from that, too. giving himself radiation poisoning was more appealing than facing his problems.

so as a teenager/young adult hes kind of constantly in a panicked state. hes scared the people from his past are going to find him and drag him back with them. so he lashes out and he runs away over and over again.

i said in another post that he has some past life shit goin on which usually would give him a connection to the witch that manifests early in life, but with all the stuff hes gone through he has been Preoccupied. he can become oblivious to almost anything that doesnt apply to whatever hes focused on. not in a hyperfocus way its likeeeeee. when u live on survival mode during prolonged periods of stress. hes immune to magic bullshit bc hes too tired and scared.

anyways around his mid-20s he finally has a little more stability (as much as the average person living in the zones can have, that is) and he finally notices that Weird Stuff happens around him. basically: out of my list of Powers People Connected To The Witch Have he has the prophetic dreams/enhanced intuition as well as a form of sensing ghosts where he can see auras and kind of like, echoes of past events in ppls lives. that look like auras. itz complicated and not of utmost importance so im leaving it at that.

anyways thats what makes him start writing poetry. just 4 funsies he'll describe his weird experiences and embellish them to make em pretty. just as a casual hobby n all that.

he would forget fun ghoul in between the times they ran into each other but its pretty easy to be reminded of who fun ghoul is. the most insane 10 year old cherri has ever met. cherri isnt a brother figure to ghoul. hes just. his friend that happens to be more than twice his age. its whatever lmao

to cherri, ghoul is kinda like a stray animal he keeps seeing. which is hilarious. ghoul actually goes and finds him to introduce him to jet when they start running together, and cherri meets party and kobra (spark and birdie at the time) when he drives the four of them to a party. because he has a truck hell yeah. so now instead of one stray animal he has, like, a feral cat colony that he drives around occasionally. i have no real-life human relationship equivalent to them because irl if some guy that is not related to any of you and isnt even a childhood or family friend and theyre hanging out with you? they are usually not a safe person lmao. but this is my fantasy land and im too stubborn to change anyones birth years even though ghoul being born in 2004 makes everything really hard to make not creepy.

so yeah hes a casual somewhat friend of the fab four. hed probably get more and more concerned as they got famous. the beginnings of any sort of protective feelings, awww :) that sets him up for becoming the girls mentor.

OH FUCK. THE GIRL..... i think if i was in my late 20s and i heard that the gang of 13-17 year olds had adopted a 5 year old kid i would go bananas. what the fuck. it is a LONG while before cherri meets her. but he has the strongest affection for ghoul (if you could even call it that) and ghoul absolutely adores the girl and swings her around under her arms like a cat to show her off to cherri and its very endearing and the girl is sweet and funny so its easy to be around her. and (unfortunately) she is somewhat used to interacting with weird easily agitated people so she kinda gives him space. cherri isnt quite the uncle figure the fandom usually makes him (i luv uncle cherri sm but he simply cannot exist in the universe ive created, f), but hes a little similar.

and then the four had to go and pretend to die. lol.

when the girl was kidnapped, fucking everyone who knew her was ready to storm the city then and there. like regardless of how little you knew her, if you had ever met her you would fucking die for her. she is pure childish charisma and shes precious. i love the girl. so cherris immediately on board with whatever plan the four make to get her back. ive already talked abt how it fucked up the girl tho; there was no way to tell her that the four werent actually dead, she sees the building collapse and she shuts down. and cherri has to fight against his instinct to leave the radio station and never come back when he sees an eight year old girl sitting dissociated on the couch. that fucks everyone up.

i just realized i havent talked about literally anyone else at the radio station. i think cherri started lingering around the station bc it was safe and sheltered while also not being a popular spot. there are less kids there (people pass through but its not a hangout spot). he was kind of just hanging around to get away from the heat and noise and dr d took notice. because that man can see ur soul and no one knows if thats literal or not. so theyd chat a few times a day and show pony was the one 2 get him out of his shell a little and also was the first one he mentioned his poetry hobby to. im making this all up right now as im writing bc i dont know anything about LITERALLY any of the ppl associated w the radio like im not even going 2 try with chimp n newsie i do not have the willpower to tackle all that. justttt. cherri pony n D become bros and live 2gether there.

back 2 the regular timeline. the rescue mission happens in 2019. the girl lives at the station until 2023. during that time she is very much depressed and withdrawn and is only happy when the four come to visit. none of the Adults know how to help her so they just keep her safe and cared for and hope she'll open up to them.

she does not. she takes the weird cat thats been hanging around and she runs away.

cherri does not see her for three years. shes still worse for wear in the mental health department and he can see all kinds of visions of what shes been through since the last time he saw her and he fucking hates the ultra vs bc they remind him of his past. he does not want her going down that path but its obvious that she isnt crazy abt the ultraviolence thing either so thats a relief.

they have a kind of tense relationship throughout the comics. he feels like he failed her and that spirals into feeling like he failed the four for not being a good adult to them and fun ghoul for not helping enough when his commune was bombed and all kinds of shit and that irrational thinking mixed with plain old, yknow, caring about the girl, is what makes him take a bullet (laser. whatever) for her.

i was trying to figure out the timing of each of their ghost experiences, but i want both of them to talk to the witch and im just gonna make it like dreams where a whole buncha stuff happens but irl its been like seconds. so its like barely a second while the girl has her Witch Convo and cherri FINALLY gets a straight answer, yes there is weird shit going on with him having powers. he doesnt have any story-significant past lives because im lazy, hes just an old soul. like really fuckin old. the amount of latent life experience and stuff his soul/energy/whatever has picked up along the way makes him VERY noticeable to gods n stuff. he fuckin lights up all the alarms like what the FUCK is that over there. she wasnt rly able to get to him or even properly notice him while he was a kid and a young adult so shes happy to finally see him again. he has a STRONG sense of familiarity with her. they know each other on a wild ass level that he cant really comprehend.

welp thats some more lore I'll have 2 think abt. anywayz

post canon is when he and val get to have the most awkward spiderman meme moment of realizing that they have the same trauma SOOOOO thatz fun lol /s sorry kings i thought it would be fun to give u something fucked up to bond over <3

not much changes in his personality. he has a better understanding of Weird Magic and delights in freaking out the ultra vs but for the most part he returns to his life at the radio station. i love him

THIS GOT SO CRAZY LONG I DID NOT MEAN 2 GO THROUGH EVERY PART OF HIS LIFE LIKE SOME WEIRD CHARACTER STUDY but here we are. this is basically a first draft like almost all of this is subject to change but u gotta start somewhere. so heres my start i love this guy. its probably obvious but i have not read ANY twitterverse killjoys stuff </3 maybe i will someday idk

[mini-pretzel]

a while - namgi

Genre: BEWARE OF ANGST, also light fluff

Music: reminiscer

Additional tags: depression mentions, also mentions of mutual pining, Namjoon is too sweet im crying, Yoongi is an emotional softie

Word count: 2k

A/N: namgi is slowly consuming my life. help.

Yoongi's has always buried his depression.

And his feelings for Namjoon.

Yoongi knew that it would happen again. Every time it let go of him, it was only for a short period of time. A few days after it would always return, bearing that weight of helplessness that he has grown accustomed to in his everyday life.

Whenever it would visit, he would try to seem okay around the guys, but he knew how that never came across as, well, normal in their eyes. They would usually notice a change in his demeanor whenever it would take him, having lived together for so long. They knew he was no stranger to such dark thoughts and emotions, but he hated feeling like a burden to the group, so he would bury it until it would dissipate into nothingness. It was simpler that way. No drama, no therapist visits, no scandals, no bad PR.

That’s how things went.

“Wow, I can’t believe we won another award.” said a soft voice--Jimin’s probably--full of surprise and amazement.

They were sitting around in their living room, jackets shed and spread on the couches, with some of the members already showered and in comfy sweats.

“Yeah, we’ll need to get another trophy case if this keeps up,” another voice said and a chaotic laughter followed.

Yoongi could faintly tell who was talking, but he was feeling like slowly he was slipping more and more away from the conversation and into a blank void that was absent of emotion. The thing inside him was starting to pull at him and Yoongi felt his hands growing increasingly antsy in lap. He really needed to dissociate. Only in being by himself in his room could he truly go through all the motions of the apathy that was starting to plague his chest.

He somewhat understood that he needed to shower and get change out of his award show suit, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. All he wanted was to curl under a blanket and pray that it swallowed him whole.

“Yoongi-hyung, you alright?” he heard a concerned voice of Jimin who was sitting beside him, but the elder just smiled tightly, eyes absent, and waved him off. He really needed to get away from the guys so as to not ruin their mood. They had just won another important award, and while he usually took his time looking at every little piece of detail the trophy had, that was the last thing on his mind as the sickening feeling in his chest softly whispered that none of it mattered and he really needed to be by himself.

“I’m fine, Jiminie, it’s just been a long day.”

The younger man pouted, his plump lips looking even more full, but didn’t pry further, which Yoongi found himself thankful for. His problems are the last thing that the guys need to focus on at during a happy time like this.

Speaking of which.

Yoongi slapped his knees as he rose from the couch, drawing attention from everyone around him.

“I’m heading to bed,” he announced to the group, trying to sound as normal as possible.

Jin and Jeongguk looked up from Jin’s phone, where the oldest, no doubt, was showing the youngest a funny video. They both said goodnight, but the air suddenly felt stiff in the room. Taehyung made a movement to hug Yoongi and he backed away before the taller man could envelop him into his bone-crushing hug, and somehow that only made things more suspicious.

Namjoon, with his smart eyes looked like was about say something but Yoongi purposefully ignored looking his way knowing how the taller man made his heart skip into his throat every time, making his crush painfully obvious. And he really, really did not want to deal with the inevitable rejection and awkward stares when the thing was rearing its ugly head. He could only deal with one thing at a time.

“Goodnight, everyone.” Yoongi said curtly, before speed walking upstairs and disappearing into the darkness of his room before anyone could stop him and question him on what was wrong.

As soon as he was secluded in the privacy of his room, he sighed heavily and stripped down to his boxers, leaving his suit in a small little pile on the floor before slipping into his bed.

Yoongi immediately folded his body into a fetal position as he brought the covers closer to himself. It was only there, under layers of blankets, where he could let go and cry as the thing inside his chest cavity wrapped a slimy grasp around his heart. There, in his little space, away from everyone else in the world, he would let it slowly devour him without retaliation, because there was nothing he could do. There, he could give up. There, he could hate himself. There, he could-

A soft knock interrupted his flow of thoughts and because it was so quiet in his room, as Yoongi has always been a silent crier, he could hear it clearly as if someone was beating down the door.

After a few moments, the knock returned, this time with more urgency, and Yoongi heard himself groan as he untangled his limbs from the sheets. He sluggishly stepped toward the door, his whole body feeling heavy, and opened it just a crack.

“What?” he said, wincing when his eyes were hit by a yellow brightness from the hallway light. He hoped he sounded grumpy and annoyed, and not pathetic like he felt.

A familiar pair of observant eyes looked back at him and it made Yoongi felt even more naked than he already was.

“Yoongi, are you alright?”

He felt Namjoon’s piercing gaze send a shiver down his spine.

“I’m fine.”

It was a blatant lie, and Yoongi knew Namjoon saw right through it.

“Can I come in, Yoongi?” his voice was gentle, so gentle it made Yoongi grip the door handle tighter and avert his eyes from Namjoon’s, a sudden warmth spreading in his cheeks.

“Why?”

“Because you’re clearly not alright.”

“I said I’m fine.” the words were cold and devoid, but he felt a fire stirring inside him. All he wanted was to be left alone. No one else was supposed to deal with this.

“Please.” the pleading tone in his voice made Yoongi look up to Namjoon’s eyes and see the taller man’s hand gripping the door, itching it to open further. “Let me help.”

Yoongi choked out a dry laugh, finding the vague proposition absolutely ridiculous, but stepped away from the door anyway, and with it letting Namjoon into his room. The boldness of this man, really. It made Yoongi’s head spin.

Namjoon closed the door behind him and Yoongi heard the lock click, but avoided turning back to face the new intruder in his personal space. His cheeks were already on fire, he didn’t need the man to see them too.

“Well, now you’re here. What are you going to do now?” Yoongi started saying in his nonchalant voice, “What could possibly hel-” his words were cut off when he felt the taller man’s arms wrap around him in a backwards hug.

“How long have you been feeling like this, Yoongi?” he heard the younger ask against his ear and shuddered from the hotness of his breath.

“A-A while.” Yoongi decided to answer. He didn’t know why he was being honest with the man, especially when it was much easier to not say anything. Namjoon had that effect on him, he supposed. He could make anyone talk about anything.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” the arms tightened around him, pulling him closer and Yoongi could really feel the warmth of Namjoon’s body now through the man’s shirt, the realization making him swallow hard.

“Not your problem to deal with.” he stated simply, feeling every pump of his heart in his throat.

“Oh, Yoongi.” was the response. And why did it sound so soft and full of care? It did nothing to help his poor heart.

That’s when Yoongi realized he was pretty much naked save his boxers in front of the taller man who was holding him against his chest. Yes, his heart was definitely not going to be able to handle this.

“What?” he tried to remain calm, but a part of him knew that his heartbeat already gave away his true feelings under his calm demeanor.

“You can always talk to us about anything that’s bothering you. Your problems are worthy of a solution.” Namjoon whispered with mouth pressed so close against his ear, Yoongi could feel his lips move with every syllable. “Please talk to us when you feel like this, we will support you.”

Yoongi’s breath stopped in his throat and there was a burning sensation in his eyes.

“I know you’d much rather hold it all in, but it’s not healthy, Yoongi.”

Damn it, Namjoon.

“We care about you, Yoongi.” he felt those pair of lips he thought about to too often when he was in bed alone press a firm kiss on his temple. “I care about you.”

With that, Yoongi’s heart stopped.

Then, hot tears trickled down his face and his shoulders quivered from the overwhelming wave of emotion. Suddenly the slimy grip on his heart wasn’t as tight was it had been before, and Yoongi speculated it was because of the long warm arms that were wrapped around him, as if shielding him from everything unsavory and dreadful.

Yoongi brought up one of his arms to touch Namjoon’s forearm and his fingers gripping the skin harshly as if it was the only thing grounding him in reality, keeping him away from the darkness hidden away in the corners of his mind.

So many thoughts were inside his head, but he didn’t know how to voice them.

“Yoongi.”

Yoongi hummed for the lack of a better response, still dealing with the sudden outpour of tears.

“Would like for me to stay with you tonight?”

Stay? Stay as in-

“In my bed?” Yoongi breathed out, glad it was so dark that his blush could go unnoticed.

“Not necessarily. I can sleep on the floor,” Namjoon offered, “I just want to make sure you sleep okay.”

“B-bed’s fine.” Yoongi protested immediately. Why in the hell did he sound so damn nervous? It wasn’t like he hadn’t shared a bed with the guys before during their early debut days. Namjoon in his bed was not an unusual occurrence, but the pounding in his chest and the flush on his cheeks clearly showed that something had changed since their debut days.

He felt the taller man nod and pull away, before taking a step back and moving closer to the bed to raise the blankets so Yoongi could climb in first.

After Yoongi was safely tucked in and watching him, Namjoon shed his sweatpants and crawled in next to him, facing him.

As they stared at each other, Yoongi noticed how Namjoon’s face held so much compassion and longing that it made him wonder how long the taller man reciprocated how Yoongi felt about him. The faint moonlight illuminated Namjoon’s features and Yoongi felt himself slipping further into the whatever feeling he kept silencing and locking away deep in his chest for years.

It had all seemed unfathomable, ludicrous even. He didn’t even dare let himself think all those times where he saw the taller man staring at him for a little too long or laugh a little to hard at his jokes meant anything more than comradery.

For who could feel such affection for someone as broken as Yoongi?

“Yoongi.”

“Mm?”

“How long have you felt like this?”

Yoongi felt his heart almost leap out of his ribs. “A while.”

Namjoon tilted his head, that lovely dimpled smile forming on his cheeks. “Why didn’t you say anything about it?”

Yoongi smiled back. “Wasn’t your problem to deal with, Joon.”

The taller man laughed softly, “Oh, Yoongi.”

At that the smaller man pushed himself closer, eyes glued to the dark orbs staring back at him. Yoongi felt strong legs wrap around his thinner ones and a pair of hands dig into his hair, pulling him even closer until their bodies pressed together in the middle of the bed. And right there, in the warmth, hidden beneath heaps of blankets and barely lit room, one pair of lips met another.

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[voronah]

can you do me a favour and explain why the things on your adhd uwu post are symptoms of adhd please? im thinking about going to the doctor about adhd soon, and i experience all of those things but idk how to explain it to her

Under Cut because there’s a lot.

tbh that was mostly me complaining @myself, and some of these experiences are not necessarily a clear sign of adhd/add but rather vague symptoms that could appear in other things, so I was surprised people found it relatable. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But here we go friend:

not being able to read more than a paragraph

aka being easily distracted and having a hard time focusing to the point of it impairing your life/being noticeably different from most people’s level. personally it takes me more than 3 times to read each sentence of a book, which turned me off from reading. I have to use audiobooks; otherwise it just doesn't process 

not being able to fucking drive

i hear that people are different with this one. Some people can hyperfocus into driving properly. I personally can’t. I had really bad experiences being taught driving, as every person trying to teach me would quickly get aggressive @me because I messed up/did risky things due to me being not able to concentrate on the road. Which in turn took away my attention even further to the point of me being in constant danger. To this day, no matter how rested I am, driving is anxiety inducing and super risky. (It is highly recommended to drive with proper medication if concentration is an issue)

standardized tests or any for that matter

similar to the reading thing, its about getting extremely distracted to the point of having much lower scores than normal. I’ve always been able to get into higher classes, but tests ruined me dramatically. Issues like not reading something correctly, or bubbling in the wrong thing and messing up the whole test is almost laughably common. 

loosing thought mid sentence every sentence

loosing focus/getting distracted.

dissolving into a concept

this was more about dissociation which I’m not sure about being an adhd/add thing, but this can also apply to hyperfocus. You can sit for hours lost in the thing you’re doing, sometimes without clear recollection of what you did/we’re thinking about. 

not talking to anyone ever because you’re just like that

“I was going to talk to this person but I thought about this thing instead and I forgot about it for a month” though more along the lines of “I tried talking to this person, and my mind is blank atm and I can’t think of any way to reply. woops its been a month now I feel shitty and will avoid it like a coward”

exploding when someone gives u instructions

Not being able to keep the instructions in your head. Only being able to do one thing at a time. Whenever someone tells me to do thing A then thing B immediately its stressful and I just forget. When its A then B then C etc, I start to panic and want to cry/yell

i either ate seven times or zero times today and don’t remember which one it is

memory issues mostly. Usually happens after hyperfocus. I can sit down to do a thing that I like and it might take me a day until I snap out of it. I just have no recollection of whether I ate or not because I was so focused. TMI, on certain occasions I might even forget to pee for the whole day.

broken jewlery™

Has to do with stimming or fidgeting. I don’t know the difference between autistic stimming and adhd/add stimming but I think the latter has more to do with regaining alertness than calming down a sensory overload? In my case, everything that can be fidgeted with will get fidgeted with and jewlery is extremely fragile.

Disclaimer 2.0: I’m speaking from personal experience and limited google searches. A lot of these symptoms might be associated with something else, so please don’t take this info to heart. But if you experience some of these to the point of it impairing your life, talking about it with a professional might be a good idea.