#its also hard bc i dissociated thru most of it so i only remember it in flashes

[mithliya]

Idk if this is something welcome to say. If not, please delete and do not worry about it. 🌹

My experience as a teenager with sex was similar. I have come to call it nonconsensual through feeling unable to say no, with verbal OK but no desire.... only enduring something horrible I thought I had to endure... which people seem to get more. Also it makes me feel calmer? To see all the pressure for what it was and call the fear, if “anyone” my assaulter in that situation. Otherwise nobody understands and will minimize it and also I almost feel like I don’t understand myself either. Though like you I can’t hold the boy to be a rapist I can hold him to be unaware of all the frankly obvious signs of my distress. I have considered if this was willing “unawareness” and I would not put it past men but in this case no, i think it was real. But it was superhuman to put it one way... beyond the natural how unaware men get. Not a coincidence, not a bug, a feature of male supremacy. Not something he chose but something he didn’t at that point manage to see and opt out of. Same for myself and the pressures on me at that time. Though our abilities to question and not expect immediate violence were of course, unequal.

Regardless of how it is said or any detail someone could think they need to scrutinize (which, can that please not be considered acceptable? To those who would argue, please examine what we lose vs what we gain by having the expectación... expect society weight of coercion as the norm for those uncomfortable attesting in specific) I mourn for the freedom we should have had. I don’t know how else to say that so hopefully it makes sense

I am glad you are well and have good company with your gf ...!! To end with the good 💗

yeah tbh sometimes i do look back at it and i feel quite baffled bc i dont think its that hard to tell that i didn't want it. i was deeply traumatised and often acting out bc of that, and i was visibly distressed literally every time afterwards. there was also a clear pattern where id harm myself or attempt suicide after it would happen. but at the same time i feel bad bc he wasn't a horrible person, he definitely is shitty in many ways (like he was prosecuted for posession of child porn and he had these excuses for it back then but then i learned his version of the story isnt the truth bc its just not how things work; or his fetishising my age regression which is a common response to CSA, or the fact that the relationship was causing me visible distress & id keep trying to leave and hed refuse. even after i came out he tried to convince me that he could change my sexuality etc etc etc) but he wasn't the worst person i had come across. back then i had practically no one, most of my friends left bahrain by then bc of the arab spring and the ones that were still in bahrain were fake friends who turned against me once my rape became common knowledge and i became the laughing stock & school whore bc of it. and at that time he was one of the only people who opposed my rapist and would defend me from him, since we were all at the same school. i felt indebted and thankful and i knew he wanted to be w me bc he had been obsessed with me for years at that point so i was just thinking.. well my boundaries are meaningless and what i want means nothing and if i say yes then im reclaiming my body and empowering myself somehow and hes nice to me & everyone has been calling me stupid for repeatedly rejecting him sooo i should just go for it. i had such a weird mix of emotions bc i was scared, i was trying to regain my power, i felt obligated, and i was also appreciative. i think if i had said no, he wouldn't have done anything but maybe hed try to convince me to change my mind, but i cant imagine myself saying no back then tbh. there were just too many factors playing into it. i think had i not been raped at all, things would've turned out extremely different for me and none of that 'relationship' would've have happened at all but..... it did happen and im still trying to make sense of it all. either way it doesnt feel right framing it as if it wasnt consensual. and esp when even while i say it was consensual, people online already try to pick apart my story and try to reframe it as if it was enthusiastic consent and like i victimised him somehow and will take bits of what i said a decade ago to argue that im lying now that im out of that situation and more mentally healthy & aware. makes me feel like even being open about my story is somehow a bad thing yanno

[ariespluto]

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾  moon signs based on observations  ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

here are the moon signs based on my knowledge and the people i’ve seen and met from observations!

aries moon: play time, needs spontaneity. feels emotions intensely but too much stuffiness and theyll feel put off. funny and kinda aggressively jokes sometimes, independent on the inside. strong people.

taurus moon: COMFORT!! so cute. lives on comfy and pretty clothes, daydreams of romantic endeavours, very sweet and kind lovely people, and very loyal and committed romantic partners. but stubborn and gets frustrated easily- dont argue with them, very set on their ideas.

gemini moon: nErVoUS. overthinking. but also rlly cool. loves to ask questions, curious people, fun playful childlike energy, need to journal or needs to get out words and thoughts they internalise or else theyll explode. have cool style. many different interests. intellectual ppl.

cancer moon: empaths. the cliche crybaby i hate to admit it (unless afflicted by saturn), all ive known have been crybabies. stuck on the past, remembers everything. emotionally available, and bc of that sometimes gives their heart to the wrong people. just be nice to them pls. very nurturing homely energy around these people. wants children.

leo moon: give them compliments and affection please, they must be protected. needs recognition. kinda dramatic and fussy but its funny at the same time. funny people. have so much love, loves physical touch and affection, BIG hearted people. VERY generous.

virgo moon: very careful and articulated with thoughts or words. perfectionists and realists. gentle but can nitpick at details too much or become pessimistic if their criticism turns inwards and eventually spreads outward. witty and and a laid-back, lowkey energy, cool people and can be initially introverted. friends come to you for advice.

libra moon: yall pretty istg. indecisive, flirty or at least having multiple crushes on people, hopeless romantic and creative people. charming and knows how to charm people with words. people pleasing, pretty belongings, clothes, aesthetic is important to you.

scorpio moon: s e c r e t i v e emotions, or either oversharing. can be misunderstood by others and seen as intimidating. or just rlly intense and can feel consumed or overwhelmed with emotions but tries hides it with a cool face. going thru it the most. but very powerful people also, hold alot of power within them. just remember to not get too caught up in seeing only the negatives.

sagittarius moon: wants to travel and just go out explore. very funny, good at bouncing back from hard times, keeping things light, independent but sociable at same time. positivity! but also has a habit of hiding their sadness away with a happy face or by joking around to keep the mood light. doesnt really open up too much about dark shit too quick.

capricorn moon: honestly the sweetest ever once they trust you. holds alot of responsibility to an extent, always earning or has income of some sort, nags friends to go work. very stable friends for the long term and dependable and caring. so mature at a young age it kinda scares me.

aquarius moon: dissociation and detaching from people from time to time, but also really cool people, unique creative artists or musician type people. unique and interesting tastes + great minds. quiet and detached on the outside but actually very sweet and fond people on the inside. intellectual, progressive and humanitarian caring minds.

pisces moon: such a vibe goddamn, great music taste, and clothing taste. emotionally nurturing and understanding friends, so empathetic and emotional. always giving, spiritually in touch minded people, really creatively talented, biggest softies and probably talks to their plushies. but also ESCAPISM!! gets addicted to fantasy be careful of illusions/substances.