#its actually really inconvenient to walk thru

[beanbowlbaggins]

[wlwmarvelenthusiast]

Turn Your Luck

Summary: After a day filled with bad luck and a series of unfortunate events, Natasha manages to turn your day around

Pairing: Reader x Natasha Romanoff

Warnings: None

Words: 6,167

When you woke up in the morning and smacked your big toe off your bed frame, you didn't even think twice of it. It sent a jolt all throughout your foot, but after a few swear words, you were already feeling a little better. You didn't bother making the bed you'd just stood up out of. All your life you'd reasoned that it wouldn't be 24 hours before you just messed it up again. You grabbed a towel and moved into the bathroom. The hot shower made you forget all about the sore toe you'd been sporting only a moment earlier.

You were feeling great when you stepped out of the shower. The warm water had always instilled comfort into your very bones even this early in the morning. You wiped some of the condensation off the mirror to brush your teeth. The tube of toothpaste was completely empty, and the drawer where you usually kept the new ones was also barren. You rolled your eyes at your own irresponsibility, before brushing your teeth without any toothpaste and then using some mouthwash to try and compensate for it. You stepped out of the bathroom.

You got dressed in your favourite white shirt and black pants before making your way into the kitchen. You tossed your phone onto the counter as you passed it on the way to the small kitchen table. You were after the fruit bowl, which was already needing a refill. There were still a few apples left, though, and you were expecting to have one for breakfast. You were mistaken. You pulled the empire apple out of the blue bowl to find the bottom had grown immensely soft and was clearly not in any condition to be eaten. You were disappointed but tossed it into the compost bin and moved on.

Humming a soft tune as you moved, you popped a pod into the single-serve coffee maker and pressed start. You were moving toward the fridge in no time when a strange noise caught your attention. You whirled to face the coffee maker. Instead of the steady stream of coffee you usually got, it was spraying the hot liquid like it was a shaken pop can. You jumped behind the small island, using it as a shield. Thankfully, you'd managed to keep your white shirt safe from the wrath of the coffee. When it stopped, you finally dared step back into the kitchen. The dark liquid was dripping down every nearby surface. You huffed, running some paper towel across the biggest surfaces quickly.

You gave up on the coffee. It seemed you weren't going to get it anyway. You glared at the machine as if it had intentionally smitten you. Instead, you reached into the fridge instead and poured a glass of orange juice for yourself. You sipped it before setting it back onto the countertop. When your phone buzzed and indicated an incoming message, you reached for it. Your elbow hit your glass and it fell onto its side. The orange liquid spilled off the counter and into your white shirt. You gave the mess the middle finger, tossing a dishtowel on it to soak it up, with the intention of actually cleaning it after work. You already had to clean the coffee up anyway.

Any attempt at breakfast was abandoned. After the three kitchen incidents combined, you were convinced you'd be better off heading to some drive-thru on the way to work. Now in a new blue shirt, you grabbed your bag and headed out your front door. You unlocked your car, slid into the driver's seat, and hit the ignition. The car sputtered for a few seconds, before refusing to start. You tried again, and then again, before groaning, taking out your frustration on the steering wheel in front of you. You stood up and stepped back out of the vehicle, slamming the door behind you with much more force than necessary.

Then, it was off to the bus stop. You headed down the sidewalk to the nearest one, pulling out your phone as you walked so you could check your app to find out when the next bus was coming. When you saw big red letters informing you that the bus was halted until further notice, though, you had to refrain from throwing your phone hard into the concrete. You supposed you should have had a little sympathy for those in the accident that had halted your bus, but you couldn't find it in yourself right then. Your morning was not going well.

It was a good thing you hadn't smashed your phone against the sidewalk. It was the only thing you could use to get you to work now. You switched apps and ordered an Uber to come to pick you up. When the driver arrived, you climbed into the back seat and gave him the address of your place of work. He nodded and pressed his foot down on the gas. Your eyes had been glued on your phone, but your gaze flickered at the driver's movement. He was adjusting the mirror and you were absolutely sure he'd angled it to face you a little better. You could have puked when you realized the creep was checking you out. You didn't say anything, at this point just wanting to get to work and be done with it.

You practically sprinted into the building when you arrived. Security didn't seem to mind your rush, having seen your face every day for over three years anyway. You hopped up the stairs two at a time, faster than the elevator would have been able to carry you anyway. When you reached the meeting room door you took a few seconds to catch your breath, not wanting to seem too flustered in your professional environment. When you finally pushed the door open, everyone was rising to their feet. Their eyes all darted up to glance at you. You smiled sheepishly.

"You're late."

"I know, I'm sorry." That was honest. You might have been frustrated, but you hadn't wanted to inconvenience any of your coworkers as well. "I've really had a rough morning."

Your boss nodded. "We've all had those days. I'll send you an email and give you a summary."

You thanked him and left the meeting room with everyone else. You trudged into your office, throwing your bag to the floor, and refraining from slamming the door behind you. You collapsed into your office chair and closed your eyes for a brief moment. But you didn't have time for that. The paperwork on your desk needed your attention. You gave it. The hours you spent on all the files, emails, and documents were the smoothest thing that had happened all day, even if it was mind-numbingly boring and felt absolutely endless. It might have been smooth sailing, but it didn't brighten your spirits at all.

When your phone rang, you reached out blindly until you felt your hand come in contact with it. You shuffled it until it was upright in your hand. You were so completely absorbed in the document that was displayed on your computer screen that you didn't even bother to look at your phone as you fumbled to slide the answer bar. Only when the incessant ringing had finally ceased did you know you'd successfully answered the call. You hesitated before you slowly raised the phone to your ear, eyes still scanning the lines in front of you.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Hun."

Immediately you regretted not checking the caller ID before answering the phone. You could have kicked yourself. In fact, the move was so ridiculously and incredibly stupid that you could have beaten yourself to a pulp. The voice on the other end of the line was familiar, completely unwelcome, and not a surprise after having the day that you were having. You turned away from the screen, resting your elbow on the desk and massaging the migraine that was beginning to form in your forehead. You sighed heavily, sure she heard it.

"Hi," you stated. "What?"

"Hun-"

"Please stop calling me that, I already asked you."

You had asked her that. Multiple times. You'd broken up months ago after she'd broken your heart. Catching her in bed with someone else had left you shattered and unsure if you could trust anyone. You'd been okay for a couple months now after some comfort and reassurance from your best friend, who you were having dinner with tonight. You glanced at the time. Your attention was unfortunately brought back to the girl on the phone, though, when she sighed your name as if she were the one who was hurt. She had no right to be hurt.

"I just-"

"I'm working," you finally said bluntly. "Is it urgent?"

"No. No, I'm sorry. I... I can call you tomorrow."

You wanted to snap and tell her not to bother, but you didn't. You just nodded despite her not being able to see it, said goodbye, and hung up. Once more you were faced with the urge to smash the stupid phone. Once more you fought it, instead shoving it into a drawer so you could ignore it and work on the mountains of paperwork you had to get through before your six o'clock reservations. You got back to it. Soon enough, the information was able to push your ex far from your mind. You didn't want to think about her anyway.

It felt like it had been eons since you'd arrived at work, and yet, according to the clock in the corner of your screen, you still had over an hour until your reservation. You might have slammed your head down onto the desk in front of you had two things not stopped you. The first was the migraine that was still throbbing in your head, and the second was the ringing of your office phone. Even though you knew she couldn't call you on here, you checked the caller ID before you picked up this time. It was the front desk.

"Hey, Tamara. What's up?

"There's someone here for you. She said you're going to miss your reservations."

"Reservations? It's only 4:45."

Tamara hesitated. "Daylight savings. It's 5:45."

You had entirely forgotten about that and even if you hadn't, you would have expected the computer would auto-update something like that. But you had forgotten, and the computer hadn't jumped forward, and now you were going to be late, and you still hadn't turned in the file that you'd promised to turn in today. You groaned in frustration, but transferred the file to a flash drive, shoved it into your bag, and left your office. Clearly, everyone else had remembered the time change, as the office was empty.

You cursed all of your coworkers in your head. You made for the elevator. When you stepped on and hit the button to bring you down to the lobby, you actually crossed your fingers. With your luck, all of the cables on the elevator would snap and you'd plummet all the way to the parking garage and die in a fiery explosion. Thankfully, your little gesture of luck seemed to work, for the doors slid open safe and sound in the lobby. As you stepped out, though, your bag hit the door, and the company ID snapped off and slipped in that tiny little crack between the elevator and the floor and out of sight. You cursed loudly.

You didn't dare shine your flashlight down the crack to try and see how far it'd gone; either your phone would have gone down after it out the doors would have slammed shut on either side of your skull. Neither of those things were a chance you were willing to take. You abandoned your ID and continued to the front desk, letting Tamara know what had happened. She nodded in understanding before pointing out your best friend, who had come to collect you after you'd let her know this morning that you'd taken an Uber to work. You approached her and tapped her shoulder.

"Hey," she said brightly.

"Hey, Nat."

Natasha Romanoff was the best thing to happen to you all day. She was your very best friend. Too, maybe you wanted her to be a little more. She was the most beautiful woman you'd ever laid eyes on, the red waves on her head only accentuating her emerald green irises, which sparkled when she smiled at you. That was only her physical beauty. Though she was, to most everyone that knew her, a tough, scary Avenger, you knew it was a façade. Natasha was the kindest, most generous, selfless, and caring person you'd ever had the pleasure of knowing.

"Tamara tells me you forgot about daylight saving time started last night."

"Shut up," you grumbled.

"Irritable because you lost an hour of sleep?"

"Nat," you said, already feeling bad for snapping at her. You rubbed your head. "I'm not having the greatest of days."

That was how your friendship with Nat was. You both understood that not every day was a good day. She tried to convince you not to compare, but you especially understood that. Natasha had been through hell on Earth when she was a child and you wished with every fibre of your heart that you could bear some of that for her. But you couldn't, and you were sure that if you could have, she wouldn't let you. So instead, you understood the bad days, and in turn, she did too. When you stated that today was one of those days, she turned to you with concern sparkling in those beautiful eyes.

"You okay?" She asked.

Your heart fluttered when her hand took yours.

It was a friendly gesture, of course, but you couldn't help but wish it otherwise. You wanted to hold her hand and have it not be just as a friend. You wanted to be able to intertwine your fingers with hers and squeeze her hand tight and feel that constant touch against her. You didn't want it to be friendly, you wanted it to be more. You wanted it to be so much more. You wanted to call her yours and for her to call you hers. But she was just a friend, and it was far better than nothing.

You hadn't always believed that someone could fall in love without some sort of a romantic relationship leading up to it. Now you realized it didn't need to be romantic. You and Natasha were close. You were closer than you'd ever been with anyone before. Because of that relationship, you knew you loved her. You were head over heels in love with her at this point, and you'd realized that a little while ago when you caught yourself fondly admiring her as she drummed her fingers against the table, deep in thought. It was a habit that had once had the ability to drive you up the wall.

"Hello?" She tried again. Her hand squeezed yours.

Your stomach flipped. "Yeah. I'm alright. Just waiting for my bad luck to run out."

"What happened?"

"What didn't happen?" You scoffed. "My fruit is all spoiled, my coffee maker broke, I spilled orange juice on my favourite white shirt, my car won't start, my bus wasn't running this morning, my Uber driver was a creep, I missed my meeting, I almost missed our reservations, I lost my ID badge and... she-who-must-not-be-named called."

Natasha's eyes darkened, her hand gripped yours tighter, and her gaze moved to meet yours. You took a chance and swiped your thumb over the back of her hand to try and get her to ease the tension out of her muscles. It seemed to work, as she relaxed a little. Her shoulders moved back down, the crease in her eyebrow lessened, she loosened her grip on your hand and exhaled carefully. She nodded in thanks, green eyes once against soft and gentle as she searched your eyes. You knew she was looking for any hint of you being upset. You weren't, though. You were with her.

Natasha hated your ex-girlfriend about a hundred times more than you did. She'd begged you to let her sneak over to her house at night and slash her tires and egg her house. You'd given that a firm no, not wanting Nat to get in any sort of trouble. It was Natasha's idea to never speak her name again, and to burn a bunch of photos and clothes that were left behind at your house. She'd gone so far as to have the bench you'd once carved your names into removed from the park and replaced with a brand new one... on Tony's Starks card, of course.

"What did she want?"

"Dunno. I told her I was busy," you actually laughed a little for the first time that day. "It wasn't exactly a lie. I was swamped today."

"Hey, if Fury is overworking you, I'll kick his ass."

Imagining Natasha kicking Nicholas Fury's ass was utterly amusing. You had no doubt she could, but Fury was a force. She'd kick his ass and the next day half of S.H.I.E.L.D. would be at her doorstep to retaliate. But he was a good boss. It wasn't his fault you'd procrastinated your own work for days. That was on you, and you knew it. So, you shook your head no, he wasn't overworking you. She seemed satisfied by that, but the topic of your ex wasn't dropped yet.

"Next time she calls you can direct her straight to me."

"Tasha, you won't answer."

"Damn right I won't."

You laughed again. It brought a smile to her face too.

With that, you continued on down the street without another word of she-who-must-not-be-named. You had almost reached the restaurant where Natasha had left the reservations when you stepped on something that most definitely was not concrete. If Natasha hadn't had your hand, your leg sliding out from underneath you would have left you on your ass. She held tight to your hand, her other arm catching you around the waist. You had to force yourself from blushing red as a tomato.

You glanced down at what you'd stepped in and could have punched someone. The white paint that was being used on the storefront had spilled onto the sidewalk and of course, you'd stepped in it in your new, black shoes. You scraped the bottom of it off on the sidewalk, grumbling all the while. Natasha had let go of your hand when you'd tugged it away from her to wipe the excess paint on the side of your shoe onto the post of the 'no parking' sign next to you. It was still ruined, but at least you'd gotten enough off that you wouldn't stain the restaurant's floor.

"You weren't kidding with the bad luck, huh?"

You shook your head no. You motioned onward, though. She got the hint, and you closed the distance between you and the restaurant. You shifted your bag on your shoulder as you stepped in, hoping they wouldn't notice the wet paint you were tracking onto their floors. If you managed in and out without them seeing, you'd be alright. It was New York City. You were sure people had walked in with worse things on the underside of their shoes.

You watched Natasha closely as she gave her name for the reservation. You hated how the host eyed her even more than you hated how your Uber driver had eyed you this morning. You didn't want anyone to eye her like that. You wanted to be the only one allowed to look at her like that. You knew you weren't, though. You ripped your gaze away from where it had been travelling along her jawline just in time for the host to arrive and lead you to your table. You sat across from her, keeping your eyes down and you collected your thoughts.

"What are you having?"

When you looked up, her eyes were trained on you. Her eyes were your absolute favourite part of her. They always shone so brightly, and so clearly expressed whatever she was feeling. They sparkled like they could see into your very soul and were so deep you could get lost in them for hours. Even the colour was perfect. They were that amazing shade of green that had very quickly become your favourite colour. You often found you'd been staring into them for a little longer than what might be considered normal. Now was one of those times. You looked back down at the menu.

"I'm not sure. Definitely a drink," you hummed. "Though I might get poisoned."

She rolled her eyes. "I don't think your luck is so bad that your assassin will choose to poison you today."

No, because she would protect you from anything. She always had. You might have been a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent and perfectly capable of protecting yourself, but she was always stepping in front of you to defend you. You couldn't say you minded. You liked having her at your back. Some people had a physical location where they felt safe. You didn't. Natasha Romanoff was your safe place. When you were with her, you felt like nothing in the world could touch you. She wouldn't let anything hurt you, and you wouldn't let anything hurt her.

Soon enough the waitress was stepping up to your table and taking your order. You gave yours first, opting for a simple fettuccine alfredo. Natasha gave hers, unaware of the way you watched her lips moving as she talked. When the waitress left and she looked back to you, your eyes were cast toward the window, watching a young couple pass by, huddled close together in the cool March evening. When she called for your attention and you gave it immediately, looking over to her. She sipped her wine as you did.

"You said your car wouldn't start?" She said.

"Yeah. It keeps sputtering on and on."

"I'll drive you home and take a look at it tonight. I know a thing or two about cars."

It was a good thing she did, because you knew absolutely nothing about what was going on under the hood of the car. All you could think was that maybe the battery had died on you, but that wasn't possible. If you'd left the lights on, you would have been able to see it through the window in your bedroom the night previous, and you hadn't. There was no other reason the battery could have been drained. You'd driven the car yesterday from your house to S.H.I.E.L.D.'s New York location. You might not have known what the hell was wrong, but Natasha would figure it out in seconds. The thought of her bent over to study the underside of the hood made you shiver.

The image was pushed from your mind when the waitress returned with your food. She placed your pasta down in front of you and you thanked her politely. She set Natasha's down as well. The redhead smiled widely and after double-checking that everything was alright, the server left the two of you to your dinner. Natasha glanced up at you, a very amused smile playing on her lips. You knew exactly what it was about, too. You'd gotten the wrong order and said absolutely nothing of it. Honestly, you didn't really care. At this point in the day, you just wanted to eat.

"You could've said something," Natasha teased.

"It's nothing. I'm hungry and this is just as good."

"We can still say something."

"It's fine," you assured.

"Let's stop and buy you a couple hundred good luck charms on the way back to your place."

You laughed aloud.

Dinner was good, despite having gotten the wrong order. You suspected that was due to Natasha's presence. The two of you had been exchanging stores of the craziest missions you'd ever gone on. Of course, she was winning. She was an Avenger. Your missions as a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent were anything but boring, but they didn't compare to the alien invasion last year that Natasha had been at the heart of. You'd been helping from the edges of the city, evacuating civilians and the like, but you suspected she'd killed hundred more of the Chitauri than you did: one.

Before long you'd both finished, and the empty plates were cleared away. The server returned to you with the bill. You made sure your card was out before Natasha could even think about trying to pay. They collected your card, and you gave Natasha a very smug little smirk. She only rolled her eyes and thanked you softly. You thought all was said and done when the server returned. You prepared to leave but she shook her head, signalling you to stop what you were doing. She reached out, handing you your card back. You took it.

"I'm afraid the transaction isn't going through."

It seemed that your bad luck had struck again. You were fully confident that there was enough money in your account. There had been last night when you'd checked it, anyway. Either you'd had the misfortune of your card deciding to kick the bucket while you tried to buy dinner for Natasha, or even worse, someone had gotten into your bank account and cleared it out. That thought made your heart drop into your stomach as you reached for your phone, hardly noticing Natasha pulling out her own credit card this time.

You prayed for one tiny bit of luck today. Your prayers went unanswered. You logged into your online banking to find that someone had managed to get your credit card number and had been online shopping all day. Your card had long hit its limit and you were already dreading the phone call you were about to have with the bank. You huffed as you set your phone down roughly on the tabletop. Natasha glanced over at you as the server took her card this time. She raised an eyebrow. You were sure smoke was billowing from your ears.

"Luck isn't turning yet?"

You didn't answer that. "Thanks for dinner, Natasha."

She laughed. When the server returned her card and wished you both a good evening, she took your hand and dragged you back out the doors onto the noisy streets of New York. She was leading you back to S.H.I.E.L.D., where you knew she must have left her bike. When you got there, she scanned her ID and brought you both down into the parking garage. She brought you right to the motorbike and lifted the helmet off from where it was hanging on the handlebars. She reached out and set it on your head, doing it up underneath your chin. Her fingers brushed your skin as she worked at the straps.

"Normally I would never condone riding without a helmet, but I only have one. This head," she said, rapping her knuckles twice against the helmet on your head. "Is much more important than mine."

"Is not," you laughed. "There's hundreds of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, but there's only six Avengers."

"And there's only one you," she insisted. "The helmet stays on that pretty little head of yours, and that's final."

That compliment seemed to awaken the butterflies in your stomach. They were still present when you both climbed onto the bike. They fluttered even more when Natasha told you to put your arms around her and hold tight. You could have stayed like this forever if she'd asked you to. You almost wanted her to ask you to, because you loved the ways your arms fit perfectly around her waist. Facing forward, she wasn't able to see the smile that was growing on your lips. Maybe all that bad luck was to make up for this.

Reluctantly, you took your arms off from around her when she pulled into your driveway. She put the kickstand down and took the helmet once you'd pulled it off and handed it back to her. You straightened out your hair a little bit in the reflection of your car window. Wordlessly, Natasha had moved to the hood of your car and tapped on the red paint to get your attention. You unlocked the car and popped the hood for her. She unhooked the latch and lifted it up, studying the inside carefully. That scene you'd been picturing earlier was coming true before your eyes.

"Start the car for me?"

You nodded. You dropped your bag on the doorstep, digging through the pockets until your hand had closed around your car keys. You withdrew them by tugging on the dinosaur keychain that Natasha had once given you after winning it at the arcade, where you'd spent hours at all the different games. You slid into the front seat, turning on the car when Natasha gave you the thumbs up. The car sputtered loudly. Then it made a sound you might have mistaken for a gunshot. The backfire nearly made you jump out of your seat. You quickly got out.

"You alright, Nat?"

"I'm good," she nodded. She moved away from the car. "It's probably just your spark plugs. When's the last time you had them replaced?"

You raised an eyebrow. "Hell if I know. I drop it off for a tune-up and expect them to tune it up."

Natasha laughed. "I'll grab some tomorrow and replace them for you."

You nodded. You watched as she reached up and grabbed the hood of the car, closing it again. She rubbed her hands against her pants. You clicked a button on your car keys, locking the doors. The lights flashed to indicate that it was indeed secured. You fiddled with the keys in your hand to get the house key out, opening your mouth to invite Natasha in as well, but found you couldn't find the golden key. You growled at nothing and dug through every pocket in your bag to see if it had fallen off in there, but there was no trace of it.

"My house key is missing."

Natasha actually laughed at this. "Did you walk under a ladder this morning? Spill the salt? Break a mirror?"

You glared at her. "Can you help me get in through a window?"

She nodded. You both moved around to one of the windows that you'd left open last night, after telling her you weren't sure you had locked it when you shut it this morning. Indeed, she found that once you'd removed the screen, she was able to slide the window open. You linked your fingers together to make a spot for Natasha to use for leverage. You boosted her through the open window and then moved back to the front door just as you heard the deadbolt slide out of place.

"My hero," you grinned as she opened the door. "I owe you a drink. Come on."

"I still have to drive home."

"Stay the night," you offered. "If you don't, I could very well just get murdered tonight."

Natasha laughed. "Well, I'd better stay and make sure you're okay, then."

You smacked her gently. She knew her way around your small bungalow well, having visited what could have easily been a million times. She made herself at home on the couch, tossing her leather jacket beside her. You moved into the kitchen, only paying half a glance at the towels you'd thrown over the two spilled beverages. You poured the both of you a drink and then brought them into the living room, kicking back on the couch beside her. You grabbed the remote, clicking the TV on. The screen lit up the room. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed the beautiful face beside you that had been illuminated. You turned back to the screen.

"I can put Netflix on," you said, pressing a button. "What do you want to watch?"

"Can I test your luck?"

"What?" You responded, turning your full attention to her.

She didn't offer an explanation. You felt her hand touch your thigh. Your breath hitched and the remote almost fell to the floor. You managed to set it down on the table as your cheeks began to burn red. She left her hand there for a few seconds before it slid away, letting you take a moment to remember how to breathe. Her hand moved away and wrapped around her glass. You knew how obvious you were being when you watched her touch the rim to her lips and the slight movements in her neck as she swallowed the alcohol. You needed a drink too, but you were frozen.

"I just mean... I could either turn your luck around or just maintain the bad luck."

You still didn't know what she meant. She was setting her glass down on the coffee table. Her eyes searched yours and you were once again tossed into the sea of green that you were so obsessed with. When she leaned forward and connected your lips, though, you lost sight of emerald green. Her eyes had shut and only a second later, yours had fluttered shut as well. You put a hand on the back of her neck to hold her closer and moved your lips with hers. You wondered briefly if you were dreaming. You didn't have long with your thoughts. Your mind was so overcome with whatever was happening right now.

Natasha pulled back. Her hand had, at some point, moved back onto your thigh, and was resting there gently. Your hand moved to cover it. She flipped hers over so that her fingers could intertwine with yours and for the first time, it didn't feel like it was just in a friendly manner. It felt so much more than that, just liked you'd wanted it to. Your eyes moved from there up to her face. She had been studying you intently. You'd never seen Natasha Romanoff look nervous. Not until that very moment. You chuckled a little, nervousness in your chest as well, and let your eyes fall.

"You definitely turned it," was all you said.

"Yeah?"

"By a long shot. I mean, I think this amount of good luck was enough to actually balance out the bad luck."

You didn't know Natasha could giggle, but she did. The sound made a smile immediately spread over your face. You reached out and took her hands in your own. You leaned forward and kissed her again, infatuated with the feeling of her soft lips pressed against yours so rough and yet somehow so soft. One of your hands pulled out of hers so it could thread through the red waves on her head. You'd wanted to do that for so long. She only pulled back when you'd both lost your breath. Your forehead rested against hers and you could smell the whiskey on her breath.

"Do you know how long I've wanted that?" You breathed.

"I'd guessed it, but I thought it was just my imagination because I wanted the same thing."

You laughed. She put her hands on your shoulders, pushing your back down against the couch and then putting her knees on either side of your waist. Her lips were on yours again, a little hotter this time. You didn't complain. You just let her lean down over you and kiss you and run her hand down your side. You only raised a hand to her chest and pushed her away when you once more felt the need for oxygen burning inside your chest. She didn't move far, face inches from yours, studying you this time from above. You blushed under her gaze.

"I... I've felt really strongly about you for a while," you said, hand moving so you could trace your fingertips across her cheek. "You know what I mean?"

"Are you trying to tell me you love me without saying you love me?" She asked, the teasing back in her voice again. "Because you're not going to scare me off. You can say it if you want."

"I love you, Natasha."

"I love you, too."

You couldn't help but laugh. It wasn't funny in any way, but maybe it was the relief trying to find a way out of your body. The sound seemed to make Natasha's eyes, sparkle. Your heart softened and the laughter fell from your lips and you didn't move a muscle. Her face was so beautiful looking down at you like it was. You felt so right having her touch you like this and touching her the way you were. Her hands were holding her torso up above yours and yours were touching her face so gently. It wasn't like a friend touched a friend anymore.

"Thanks for turning my luck."

"Are you kidding me? I'm the lucky one."

"I think we're both really fucking lucky, Natasha. Thank you."

[kyuus4ku]

𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗺

oda sakunosuke

genre: hurt/comfort

warnings: none

word count: 2.6K

soooo i accidentally deleted this post, freaked out and texted hua, and then found it thru reblogs (thank you to whoever who reblogged it you guys saved my life/srs. thank u for all the nice comments too <3) @hanazou, i'm so sorry for my dumbassery. ily lemme give this back to you <3

The window through which your eyes stared out was like a movie screen with an unchanging scene plastered to its surface— it was raining, and the grayness of the clouds didn't darken nor fade, so you were starting to wonder if this storm would ever end. Realistically speaking, of course it would, but new storms would arise at different places, different times, and in different severities.

Sometimes you could graphically feel the thrill of the storm— the deafening booms of thunder and the streaks of lightning were somewhat familiar, and you found yourself a little too comfortable in the electrifying terrors of what these clouds were capable of.

Other times, you were terrified— some storms never waited for your thoughts to get a grip of the fact that they even began in the first place. A storm as such would just keep going on, and on, and on, until it stopped abruptly, mercifully giving you time to fathom where it had left you stranded.

Now, were you referring to actual storms, or the storms which took place inside your head?

"Someone's thinking too much again," you weren't given a chance to even respond before his lips met yours in a sweet kiss. You smiled into the kiss as butterflies hysterically fluttered about in your stomach, sending shocks of euphoria through your system.

Oda Sakunosuke was a foreigner to what we know as 'combustive emotions.' People with explosive emotions were frankly a threat to themselves and to anyone around them. You know, when a minor inconvenience took place, and bam, you start lashing out like a dragon released from the depths of hell.

Well, Oda wasn't like that— he thought before he acted, and never really understood people with fiery temperaments.

Now, if love was considered a combustive emotion, Oda was a different person altogether.

The more you spoke, the more inflamed his soul was to adore you. The more he made you smile, the more cluttered his thoughts became as his mind raced with ecstasy.

And don't get started on how he felt when he heard you laugh— his train of thought would simply crash into a brick wall.

The more you were around him, the more uncontrollable his urge to protect you was. Of course, he never explicitly showed it, but in the back of his mind, he wished to write several books about you.

As for you, well... you wish you could live in moments like these forever— with your cheeks warming up at his touch, and the way his breath slightly hitched as he took in your scent— oftentimes, you were confounded by how surreal it felt to be around him, like his presence was exclusively unmatched to any other being walking on this godforsaken planet.

But, nothing lasts forever, right?

Every moment we're given the chance to experience shrivels up into oblivion the second we touch it— that's just how life proceeded, opening doors according to its whims and fancies and shutting them close if you were too late.

But for you, it was slightly more rapid, and you weren't really one to take no for an answer.

You were so familiar with being introduced to a new episode life brought you to, cherishing it with all your heart, and letting it go the very next second.

Sacrifice at the cost of ambition.

Moving forward, never lingering back— you put your everything on the line just to see your achievements multiply. The storms were constant, but so was your resilience.

It was a cycle you were painfully used to, or perhaps it was what you had forced yourself to be used to. You never really got the chance to root yourself and absorb the actuality of the present; you were always thrown into the future, and occasionally stopped by what held you back in the past.

This won't last.

But every time you thought about having to leave him, too, you could feel your body shut down at the thought of his absence. His spontaneous, shy smiles, the stellar glint in his eyes, and the way his arms wrapped around you to submerge you into an ocean of indescribable, almost overwhelming comfort— these were just a few of the million reasons which made you dread to think of the words: what if he leaves, too?

"Earth to y/n~" he said softly as he waved his hand across your blank gaze, which you quickly snapped out of. With his brows furrowed, he tilted his head in concern as he took your hands in his.

You smiled at him— but your smile was void of the ethereal luminescence which unfailingly made his heart skip a beat, eyes glazed over with the emptiness of your unvarying thoughts. You were like a precious gem to him, and if anything threatened to dim your luster, you could be sure to find that his ambition would match yours just to prevent that from happening.

"Everything alright?" a flash of lightning momentarily lit up the room as he looked at you. You couldn't help but internally rip yourself apart as you thought of what to say, and whether or not you should say it.

what if! what if! what if!

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" you questioned back, almost a little too confidently as you unlatched your gaze from his, but soon his fingers were tilting your jaw upward so you looked right at him again. The lump in your throat was getting painful now, and the chains which bound your heart were about to break under pressure from holding everything in.

"Okay," he squinted at you suspiciously, but didn't pester you with more questions. At that moment, you wished he was a little more selfish— selfish enough to break through the wall of isolation you barricaded yourself in, but of course, there was only so much to expect of him.

But it was Oda Sakunosuke— he embodied all things you could never expect from other human beings.

"If you need anything, I'm right here," he said smoothly, and a little bit too formally. You knew he was just trying to get his point across. You flashed a faint smile at him, and nodded quietly, pursing your lips in contemplation as you wondered if any word which proceeded out of your mouth from here on out would make any sense at all.

He got up and was about to leave the room, but leaned forward to plant a kiss on your forehead, and that did it.

"Sakunosuke," you called out faintly, looking at your own fingers as they fidgeted with themselves aimlessly. He was about to respond, but recognised that your voice was more timid than usual. By this time, he was sure that something was wrong.

"Yes?"

"You're going to leave someday, too, aren't you?" the undertone of your voice was steady in its yearning for an answer, but it broke as tears started to blur your vision. His legs had suddenly gone weak at what you just said, which drew him to sit back right next to you.

"Why... why would you even say such a thing?" were the words he managed to utter out clearly. Other than that, his thoughts fused and separated to ask a thousand questions at every passing second.

Why would you say such a thing?

"Was it something I said?" he asked overtly, coaxing you to come closer.

"No, no..." you stammered out, "It's not you— don't think that way. There's just... so much I want to say."

"Go ahead," he muttered back, rubbing your back as tears relentlessly streamed down your cheeks.

"I don't know where to start."

Now, there were a lot of things which troubled Oda's heart. That's why he was always so kind, because perhaps the tiny spark his acts of service blazed could illuminate this vast, dark world; even if it was just by a small degree, it didn't matter. The universe was his if he could make someone experience the kindness every soul deserved.

Oh, but he hadn't properly comprehended the fact that his world could, as a matter of fact, be confined into a single person. And the way his world was slowly withering away right before his eyes— Oda had never felt so agonized before, and all he could think of doing was to hold you tightly, as if you would immediately scatter apart if he didn't.

not him too. not him too. not him too.

Your sobs became irregular and choked as you struggled to breathe with the nagging ache in your chest, yet his arms around you coated you with warmth and relief, as if a layer of liquid smooth crystals encased your entire being in soundness.

He thought back at the many things he wanted to say to you during all those nights you had stayed up trying to burn the midnight oil. Other than the occasional lectures about how many hours of sleep you needed, he wanted to tell you that it was okay to rest, but felt like he had no position to do so.

He had always wanted to pronounce his utmost gratitude to you whenever you listened to his rants about work, or short stories about how the kids back at the curry shop had tried to pull off a new and improved (rather unprofitable) prank on him. You always listened, and he had always felt like the luckiest man on earth to be the one you listened to. He never really knew how to convey his gratitude, so he left things as they were.

Though, he never thought he'd be privileged enough to hold you this close; no, Oda didn't even dream of such a feeling. Right now, you proved to him that you really did trust him to see the side of you no one else saw. You could only imagine how significant this moment was to him, and how every neuron in his brain was trying to come up with ways to alleviate your pain.

Then again, all he could do was stick by you through thick and thin, through every high and low, through every storm.

His face lit up with a light, slightly duplicitous smile.

"Hey," he whispered into your ears softly after you had calmed down a little, "I've got an idea, but you need to trust me."

You looked up at him with brows tied up in confusion, a smile breaking through your lips as you noticed the crafty glint in his eyes. You nodded slowly, and without warning, he took you into his arms and carried you out of the room. He was deaf to your protests as he opened the door to bring you outside.

The wind was cool and icy, and the raindrops started to paint your bare skin and clothes liberally as he placed you carefully on the ground in the middle of the empty street. The rain violently pattered down on every surface it could reach, flaunting its rage by submerging the atmosphere in the music of a very angry cloudburst. You looked up to him, and opened your mouth with the words 'I'm going to kill you' at the tip of your tongue, but you couldn't.

His eyes were glued to yours with a look which mystified you— the awe in his gaze was capable of breaking your heart or healing it, and the worst part was: you didn't mind if he did either of the two.

"Are you cold?" he half-shouted so that you could hear him amid the brief, intimidating rumbles of thunder, that scheming smile still glowing from his lips.

"Are you insane?" you replied, still baffled by how bold he was. He responded by gripping your waists kindly, tugging you closer so that you both could savour the little heat your bodies shared, which was depleting by now.

"You asked me if I'd leave you," he began, almost gasping for air as the cold made his muscles tense in frustration at the lack of warmth. Neither of you cared though— whatever the hell this moment was, you knew you wouldn't trade its exhilaration for the world.

"Well, I realised my words could only amount to so much."

"What are you saying?" a laugh was about to erupt from your chest as you remained somehow utterly clueless to the raindrops piercing fiber-like needles into your skin.

"You see this storm?" he continued, "I'm standing with you here, right?"

"Unless I'm hallucinating, then yes, you are," you chuckled out, completely unaware of the point he was trying to make.

"Do you think I'd desert you, right now?" he asked, his voice now lower as his expression softened.

"I'd like to think not," you replied.

Oh.

He smiled as realisation glowed from your eyes.

"I don't expect anything from you, y/n. Do you understand? Nothing at all. So of course I'll stick by you. Of course I wouldn't leave you if things got tough. Can you trust me on that?"

All you could do was smile as you inwardly stuttered about for words. It wasn't that you were pleasantly bewildered with what he had said. In fact, some part of you wanted to argue with him, retaliate, put up a wall, and see if he was really willing to do it.

Then it was as if your soul stepped out of your body to watch this exact scene taking place— it was just like you were watching a clichéd movie, except that you were living in it literally. He stood there, shivering as much as you were, with your hands still tightly clasped in his.

No one in the right frame of mind would do this; not a single soul would travel an extra mile just to prove that they were capable of keeping their word. No one would stand out here in the middle of the street while strings of lightning drew distorted images in the sky just to prove how much you meant to them.

No one except him: the person who was just as hopelessly in love with you as you were with him.

"I trust you, but one question," you finally replied, teeth chittering as you tried to ignore the way your clothes stuck to your skin uncomfortably.

"Make it quick, please," he huffed impatiently, smiling. He unstuck strands of wet hair from your forehead, and shielded your eyes from the downpour which was becoming less fierce by the minute so that you could look into his without difficulty.

"Why me?" you didn't expect him to understand, but his answer sustained the million other questions you had darting around in your headspace.

"There is no why. We'll deal with the future as it comes, and we'll untangle the past as we wait, but for now, nothing else matters, except for this moment. So in this moment, I'll say this: I do all this for you because I can, I want to, and I will."

"Mmm... I think I'm convinced," you admitted plainly, hiding how flustered you were by nodding in approval.

"You think?" he asked you, raising his eyebrows at how your lips curled up into a wide smile. He rolled his eyes and kissed you once more, this time with his hands holding the sides of your neck as you closed your eyes in bliss, a new feeling emerging from the depths of your heart— it was clarity in the midst of a storm, and you couldn't decide if you meant that figuratively or literally.

[duckmoo-supreme]

I think smth that rly struck me abt ducktales (I haven’t posted it before I think) is how unique each triplet is - they’ve each got personality quirks of their own, internal struggles that are different from each other - even down to the way they walk and talk and interact w their environment

I guess for me Dewey is my favourite out of the 3 bc I identify so much with him and the things that he struggles with? As a middle child growing up w rly severe mental health issues (cw I won’t get into it dw) I didn’t realize how damaging it was for me to not see anyone who had the same things I went thru in my childhood? Like... most middle kids you saw in the 2010s were bratty, obsessed with popularity and superficial sorta things, or just plain forgotten (the middle kid from the despicable me franchise is literally just there to fill in background space)

And with Dewey like - he does those same things too right, he loves being popular and he loves being liked and he loves silly things like Dewey dewnight but you actually see the reasoning/ethos behind why he wants these things and you can see that it’s not just abt being popular for the sake of popularity but he wants to be liked bc middle kids are often left feeling like they have no identity and no place in the family that is firmly theirs

I think it struck me how deeply I resonated w Dewey when I watched the wrestling episode and that really moved me forward in my recovery from my mental health stuff (I’ve almost been a year SH free yay!! Nobody knows except a few ppl in my personal sphere) bc he had to deal with not being liked for the first time in his life and like that has been me my whole life bc nobody ever wanted to make space for me bc it was inconvenient to accommodate or they were scared that I wouldn’t be able to take it

And even to this day I still struggle with being rejected and being accommodating like bending over backwards to make sure ppl like me and I don’t rock the boat and piss other ppl off!! And even tho I’m nearing my mid20s and old and grumpy all the time like seeing Dewey be able to form such strong and heartwarming friendships (not just w his family but also w webby and launchpad who both consider him their best friend) has rly given me hope that I could one day be like that too and express myself and my quirks in a healthy manner in a group of ppl who unconditionally accept me as I am

I’m sry for the sob story that went a lil into oversharing but this cartoon is so much more than just a show - at its core it’s love 💕

[cbk1000]

Rant time, because I’m still livid about this, and Mr. Jenn is probably tired of hearing me shout about mouth-breathing edgelords who think they’re anti-authoritarian rebels when the only thing they’re rebelling against is common sense and basic human decency. I’ll put it under a cut because it’ll probably be long.

So today we go grocery shopping, and I decide I want a coffee drink because I need the caffeine and also because I’m far enough along in my healing process that I can use straws now, and normally I wouldn’t care about this, but now I want to experience the food and beverage world in all its variety. (You can’t drink from a straw for a while after having your wisdom teeth out because you don’t want to create pressure in your mouth that could dislodge the blood clots that form to protect the surgical sites.) I decide we’ll swing into a coffee shop that’s on our way instead of going to the Starbucks inside the grocery store we use.

We pull up, put on our masks, and head in. I notice a sign on the door that I just assume is a COVID notice about wearing masks and maintaining social distancing guidelines because all businesses have those nowadays. I do notice the phrase ‘constitutionally compliant’ and something about the governor, which pings my brain because it’s a bit odd, but I don’t think a whole lot about it and don’t actually read it (the sign is actually partially obscured by a Christmas wreath, and I’m starving and just want to get me drink and go home and eat; I ain’t got time to read when I’m hangry).

We walk in, and not a single person is wearing a mask. Not any of the employees, not any of the customers. We are the only ones. No one who comes in after us is wearing one either. It strikes me then that the notice on the door is actually some rant about how they’re not going to comply with mask mandates, probably because it’s ComMUnISm or whatever these fucking morons believe. I am LIVID. I manage not to blow up at anyone because at the end of the day, I really do not want to yell at minimum wage food service workers; obviously they did not set the rules (the owner for sure is a dick, though), and I don’t know if they’re doing this because they agree or because they’re worried about their jobs. Also, restaurants right now are supposed to be at 25% capacity, and only outdoor seating. Probably at least 50% of the tables inside were full. I should also note that they have a drive-thru and have been doing booming business this whole time (there are always lines around the block when I drive past), so this isn’t some owner desperate to save their livelihood; they were always able to remain open, they just were drive-thru only for a while. (And even if they were operating on the downlow because they’ve gotta’ pay their mortgage, that’s no excuse to be a fuckhead about masks. Every business has a dress code. Masks are a temporary, minor adjustment to that dress code. They are the bare minimum you can do in the pandemic. And you can’t even do that? Fine, jerkoffs.)

Some stats: our ICU is full. The hospital leaders right now are brainstorming on how to increase capacity for ourselves, and also so that we can try to accommodate patients from the west side of the state, because the entire fucking west side has almost no capacity in any of their ICUs. I am not a frontline healthcare worker, but the whole organization receives daily updates on COVID, and my boss goes to daily safety meetings on COVID so that we’re kept up-to-date on changes made to our policy; I am aware, better than most, of the situation and how critical a state our local healthcare system is in. And it’s a fucking joke to these motherfuckers. I was so angry I was shaking. As soon as I got outside, I unloaded on poor Mr. Jenn about what stupid assholes these people are. (Barely out the door, and not quietly; I’m sure the customers outside heard me.) I’m fucking tired of people thinking they’re edgy or rebellious because they can’t suffer the most minor inconvenience of having a piece of fabric over their face. I’m goddamn sick of the politicization of this virus. The local death rate is almost two percentage points higher than the state average, and people. Cannot. Do. The. Bare. Minimum. Wearing a mask is your goddamn hill to die on. Meanwhile your clown in the White House thinks he should be Dear Leader for the rest of his hopefully short life, playing out the EXACT SCENARIO you thirsty ass Rambo for Freedom wannabes always think you were put on this planet to Resist, and instead you’re protesting the act of wearing a piece of fabric over your face as you gag on your Kool-Aid and Trump’s tiny orange dick. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

Anyway, I went home and immediately reported them to the Health Department. Fuck them.

[mysticthot]

RFA x Jumins Sister!MC

idk why i have such a thirst for jumin as a big brother but here we are

also this is hella long my b 

Yoosung Kim

knows who you are thru magazines and what not, but he’s never met you in person

that is until the first rfa party that Rika holds

he sees you from across the room, standing next to Jumin looking like a model and he’s shook

wow shes even prettier in person, i didnt know she was gonna be here tonight i should go talk to her, wait no she’ll think i’m a loser- OH GOD SHES LOOKING SHE PROBABLY THINKS IM A CREEP DOES MY HAIR LOOK GOOD oh shes smiling at me

thoughts running wild he doesn't know what to do so he straight up turns around and walks away

it isn't until later in the night that he actually gets to talk to you

“Hi, I’m MC. Your Yoosung right? Part of the RFA?”

he’s shook when u said hi first

you have a good conversations and he’s surprised at how easy you are to talk to and how different you are from your brother

at the end of the night you catch him before he leaves and give him your number

definitely spends the rest of the night trying to think of something cool to txt you

definitely asks Zen for help

manages to start talking to you, and suddenly your messaging each other constantly

its Yoosung were talking about, his crush on you is immediately all he can think about

but he goes out of his way to not say anything in the chatrooms cause Jumin hasn't mentioned anything so he’s not sure if Jumin knows 

lowkey terrified of Jumin finding out and sending a hitman after him

he’s too shy to ask you on a date

literally everything about you screams out of his league

so imagine his surprise when you ask him to a movie

boi straight up falls out of his chair in the middle of class

ya’ll go see a movie and his soul nearly leaves his body when you lean in and give his a short peck on his lips afterwards

“I really like you Yoosung, I’ve never had a guy treat me so well.”

“I-I like you too MC.”

his soul does leave his body when Jumin enters the chatroom the next day saying nothing but his full name in all caps

poor boi is immediately apologizing and ranting about how much he likes you and how he promises to be good to you

After everything Jumin simply responds with, “I’ll hold you to that.”

Now with Jumins approval, he officially asks you to be his girlfriend which you happily say yes to

This boi loves you so much, and he is in awe everyday that you chose him

Likes to show you off, especially to his friends

Loves when you pick him up from school lookin all cute and pulling him into a tight hug

gets very jealous and protective knowing all these rich dudes are competing for your attention, but he as Jumins support and your love, so he’s happy

Zen

Vaguely aware that you exist

Has heard Jumin or Jaehee mention you a few times, but he doesn't think much of it, and he actively goes out of his way to not watch or read anything with the name ‘Han’ in it

He’s in the lobby of the C&R building waiting for Jaehee so they could go get coffee, when he sees a cute girl struggling by the closed elevator doors with arms full of papers and folders

ever the gentleman, he goes over and offers to hold some of it for you

“Excuse me miss, would you like some help with that?”

You look up at him and his breath is all but knocked out of him when he gets a full glance at your beauty

“Oh, wow thank you.”

You smile breathlessly up at him, both of you seem to be in the same trance

He snaps out of it to grab the papers from your arms, and introduces himself

Your both looking at each other with that same wide eyed look when the elevator doors open

There stands Jaehee in the middle of the love fest.

“Uh...Zen, I see you’ve met MC. Jumins sister.”

SHHOOOK

He’s so dramatic like he full on backs up hand over the heart gasping

You almost laugh at the look on his face

“Oh, so your that Zen? I’ve heard all about you.

Jaehee takes your papers from Zen and gets into the elevator with you mumbling about how she’ll be right back.

Zen almost dies when you wink and blow him a kiss as the doors close

Jaehee is interrogated by Zen through out their whole lunch

You were so cute and nice looking?? How were you related to the trust fund kid???

Gasps when he realizes that makes you a trust fund kid as well

Yet, he cant stop thinking about you and the moment you shared in the lobby

He’s such a romantic, he becomes convinced this is a Romeo and Juliet love at first sight thing

Hung around in the lobby for a bit one day hoping to meet you again, but he starting looking suspicious so he had to leave

Ends up pestering Jaehee for hours until she gives in and gives him your phone number

Very quick to send you a selfie asking if you remember him

You reply even faster

“Of course I remember you, how could I forget such a beautiful face? Oh and also Jaehee has kept me updated on how much u ask about me ;)”

He’s never been out charmed by someone before, but you have him so flustered

Quick to ask you on a date

Basically does turn into Romeo and Juliet ft. Jeahee as the Nurse (omg just realized how thats a pretty good fic idea i might right that lol)

She helps cover your tracks while your sneaking around with Zen

But Jumin is getting ever more suspicious and after many useless reports from him sending Jaehee to follow you, he sends one of his guards instead

This is all very inconvenient for him, he doesn’t like the thought of you not being able to tell him something, you’ve told each other everything always

not to mention zen has been getting on his nerves lately being strange and sappy in the chat rooms

He could never imagine the shock that filled his entire being when his guard told him he had seen you going into Zens house

Boi’s over there in an instant banging on the door

A shirtless zen opens the door, his hair messed up and a hickey growing redder by the second on his neck

Jumins pushing him up against a wall before he can even react

The slam startles you out of the bed in nothing but a sheet, only to freeze when you see the scene before you

guess you’ll die ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It takes a long time to get them off each others necks

“Guys, why dont we all calm down and talk about this rationally?’

“MC, the only thing keeping me from knocking this trust fund kid out is the fact that he is your brother.”

“Zen not helping!”

Jumin all but drags you back to the car and you’re lectured the whole ride home

Then lectured some more in the pent house

Then some more before you announced you were going to bed

He was angrily pouring himself some wine when he heard your phone go off

It was Zen

He justifies his actions by saying you had betrayed his trust, and opens the message

“I’m sorry MC, I hope you’re ok. I know he wont approve, but I hope you can find away to stay with me. I will never find someone like you and even if he doesn’t understand or believe it, I love you. Call me when you can.”

Now he feels kinda bad

Then he remembers Zen’s hickey and he’s mad again

It takes him a while but he eventually allows for you and Zen to see each other freely

Feels betrayed by Jaehee

Jaehee (Speaking of betrayal lol)

She knows of you, but has never met you, as you are studying abroad

When Jumin first mentions the fact that he is going to pick you up from the airport, shes initially worried that she will have to deal with a second Jumin

And in her experience, the high class women aren’t the easiest to get along with

So imagine her surprise the next day when she is going to the penthouse to introduce herself and finds...what looks like a completely normal girl lounging in her pajamas

You smile kindly at her as Jumin, dressed in his normal suit, comes to stand beside you and she cant believe the differences

Shes pretty sure you’re showing more emotion on you face in this exact moment than Jumin has in his entire life rip lol

She introduces herself, and it shocked when you immediately pull her into a hug

“Its so nice to meet you, I’m MC.”

The way you say your name and the way your holding her hands in yours while you smile at her she just-

gay panic

Your spending the summer with Jumin, so she sees you around a lot and every time you are just as sweet to her

As time passes she begins to feel strange when she sees you

Heart racing, cheeks blushing, you know the drill

But its been so long since Jaehee has had a crush on someone, and she wasn't even sure if this was a crush

poor babe is confused af

Cause your so nice to her

And you make Jumin be nice to her

And you get her off work to hang out 

But she doesn’t know if your being friendly...

One day she is going over last minute talking points with Jumin as he prepares for a gala event when you come walking out

Your dress makes you look like an angel, your hair is flowing and framing your beautiful face and- oh, there was that smile again

She nearly chocked when she saw you

gay panic intensifies 

you make her feel the way zens videos do

Suddenly she’s not so confused anymore

She walked you and Jumin down to the car waiting outside and you turn to her before following your brother in

“You’re not coming with us are you?” you asked with a slight frown.

“No, it would be inappropriate for an assistant to attend such an event.” she sighed, smoothing out her work skirt, suddenly realizing how different you two really were.

You paused, looking like you might say something, but stopped yourself, telling her to have a good night before getting into the car

She watched you drive away, and wasn’t expecting to hear from you any more that night

Then her phones ringing and its you and she’s answering in a flash

You voice is shaky, asking her if she could pick you up if it wouldn't be too much trouble cause you didn't want to inconvenience her

She was in the car before you had finished the call

When she pulled around the back of the event, where you had asked to meet, she saw you standing in the dark, a look so sad it made her heart hurt

You climbed into the passenger seat, but the ride back to the penthouse was silent

It wasn't until she pulled up to the curb that you invited her upstairs

As soon as you passed the door way to the house, it was like your fake composure, one that she knew you had been raised to perfect, melted away

You sighed before dropping face first onto a couch cushion and screaming into it

Jaehee didn't know exactly what to do, so she gave your back a somewhat comforting pat until you sat up ready to tell her what was wrong

Turns out you had met a man at the gala

(her heart dropped when you said that)

But the man was an absolute dick

(So your sayin she has a chance?)

The man had been grabbing you and touching you all night, asking for dances and pressuring you to drink

The final straw was while he had dragged you into a dance, his hand lowed down before he full on groped your ass in front of everyone

You had slapped him

The gotten promptly lectured from your father

“He was acting like I was in the wrong for standing up for myself. Saying I was making a fool of the family reacting in such a way! Why aren’t the men held in such a standard that so I don’t have to act like that in the first place?!”

“I’m so sorry MC, that is truly disgusting that you had to go through that.” She pulled you into a hug, and side by side you sat on the couch, enjoying each others comfort

“Next time...I think I’d like to take you as my date...” You mumbled into her shoulder.

She froze

Didn’t know was to say

Were you friends? Were you something more???

Her questions were answered as you pulled back from the hug and placed a timid kiss on her lips

It was short, almost testing the waters for both of you

But when your eyes met, the kiss that followed was anything but timid or short

Jumin was not pleased with that he saw when he got home

His assistant and sister making out in his living room

what was his life coming to??

Not nearly as mad as you thought he would be however

He had heard what your father had said to you and rushed home to make sure you were ok

Claims he knew this whole time you weren't into guys, or at least not straight, but you think hes just trying to redeem himself from the fact that his assistant seduced his sister right under his nose

Jaehee and you go as a couple to the next gala and rock that shit

707/ Saeyoung

Obvi, this boi knows everything

As soon as he was introduced to Jumin, he did a background check, and thats how he was led to you

From then on, he is not subtle or quiet with his ‘celebrity’ crush

Basically acts towards you the way he does towards Elizabeth the 3rd

Uses you as a way to tease Jumin and get him all riled up

“omg Jumin, I saw MC’s photo in a magazine today and I swear I fell in love all over again.

“If you come near her, I will get a restraining order.”

Jumin is in no way amused

The rest of the RFA is tho

Like Yoosung, you meet Seven at the first party. 

He is quick to spot you, and Jumin is even quicker to separate you from him

You, however, have no idea why your brother is being even more over protective than usual, and take the first opportunity to sneak off to the bar

Seven sees you alone for the first time and quickly turns to Yoosung, asking him how he looks before running off to you

You’re shook when in the middle of taking a drink a random redhead all bed falls into the chair next to you

“HIMYNAMESSEVENITSAPLEASURETOMEETYOU!”

“...What?”

He takes a comically large breath, lets it out, then holds his hand out for you to shake

You laugh when he bows and kissed your knuckles before introducing himself slower this time

“Sorry, I just felt like I needed to rush, your brothers gonna kill me when he sees me talking to you.”

You laugh and roll your eyes and he thinks you have the best sounding laugh he has ever heard

Good thing his only talent is getting people to laugh at him

You proceed to spend the next five minutes laughing so hard your stomach hurts and your eyes water before a large group of not only your brother, but several body guards come to interrupt

“Oh no, my sweet MC, it seems our time has been cut short, I’ll never forget the moments we spent together, no matter how brief!” he calls to you while being escorted to the other side of the room by two large men

Jumin lectures you on the dangers of talking to strange men and you remind him that the whole point of this party was to talk to people you don’t know

He forbids you from talking to Seven 

“MC, he’s a sadist!”

“That just makes me want him more...”

Later that night you get a strange text, or dare I say, a mysterious message, saying your phone was being hacked

Your shook and don’t know what to do watching as the so called hacker typed before the second message popped up

Is your name wifi? Cause I really felt a connection~

Ok now your more shook

Then a third message pops up and its the cute guy from the party, and you laugh before responding

You spend the rest of the night picking up where you left off at the party

And Seven it once again, not quiet about his crush

Jumin wakes up the next morning to chatroom after chatroom all about you

Half of them are him talking mindlessly about your wedding, the other half is the rest of the members telling him to shut up

Jumin is t r i g g e r e d 

His first instinct is to take your phone, since you obviously cant make good choices for yourself

But then he remembers you are an adult, and he cant take away your phone

So he goes to plan B which is threaten Seven with a restraining order, once again

Halfway through typing out a long, angry message, you skip out into the kitchen, and suddenly his anger it focused on you

“MC WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT TALKING TO SEVEN HES NOT GOOD FOR YOU YOU NEED TO BLOCK HIM AND GET A RESTRAINING ORDER HES CRAZY WHAT ARE YOU THINKING”

“He’s so cute and sweet tho.” you pout

“Awe, thanks MC.”

Both of you look up to find Seven standing in the doorway with a bouquet of flowers

Seven is forcefully removed from the building

Jumin gives you the whole, “he’s a hacker he’s dangerous” speech, but you are stubborn

You tell him you are an adult who can make her own choices

He does the things parents do where they think they can guilt you into making the right choice

Thinks he’s won when he doesn't hear anything about you from Seven for a while

Imagine his shock when he logs into the chatroom to see a picture from the cctv of you and Seven kissing, clearly in the middle of a date along with a picture of a plastic cat ring on your ring finger 

“She said yes!”

“I am going to physically hurt you.”

On the more serious side, Seven would be a little harder because of his job, so everything you guys did would have to be in secret

He would get in his moods where he thought you deserved a boyfriend who could treat you better and be seen in public with you

Don’t even get him started on how dangerous he was

But you could use your connections to help him get his life on track, and eventually get him a job at C&R

Jumin isn't happy with it, but when he accepts that Seven actually cares for you and this isn’t just some joke, he will come to terms with it

V/ JIhyun

V has known you since you were born, as him and Jumin were already friends then

Infact, he has a picture somewhere of him as a child holding you the day you got home from the hospital

Growing up with V and Jumin, was almost like having two brother

Both very protective over you

Being kids, you went through the normal phases

“Boys have cooties dont touch me!” 

‘C-cooties...but MC...”

There were times when you would tease each other simply because that’s what kids do when they have crushes

His little cheeks would get all red when you and him would play games together

He liked to be the knight that saved you from the evil dragon (Jumin) and one time you very lightly pecked a kiss onto his cheek before running off and his face was red for the rest of the day

In fact you were each others first kiss

It was during a sleep over he was having with Jumin

Jumin had fallen asleep during a movie leaving you and V alone, sitting together in a blanket fort

You were playing truth or dare, but they were mostly truths to keep the game quiet and not wake anyone

“Truth or dare MC.”

“Truth.”

“...Have you ever kissed anyone?”

Your whole face went red, as did his, he had barely even worked up the courage to ask the question

“...No.” You whispered, “Have you?

“No.”

The game stopped for a moment, V was looking at while you did you best to look anywhere but at him

“Truth or dare MC?”

“...Truth.”

“Can I kiss you?”

The kiss was short and stiff and a little awkward, but it was something you both would remember for ever

And a secret you would keep from Jumin until way into your adult years

Jumin was annoyed by the whole thing

He loved his sister and all, but he didn't exactly like his best friend and sister always flirting

As you got older, the childhood crushes died down into fond memories and the occasional flirt or butterfly in the stomach

You dated a few people, he dated a few people

But there was always those times when it was just you and him alone where it seemed like something was so close to happening

But he graduated with Jumin before you did, and left to start his own life

That when he met Rika

You were happy for him truly, you were dating someone at the time as well and you wanted to see you friend be happy, he deserved it

But tragedy struck, and he was never really the same after that

You remembered her funeral, and the way he cried into your shoulder that night

You had to go through the pain of watching your dear friend loose himself, along with his eyesight

Supporting him in his time of need became your number one priority, but somewhere along the way, old feelings began to resurface

You pushed them down, deep down so you wouldn't make a fool of yourself or ruin your friendship

It took years until V would begin to see again what was right in front of him, he had been blinded by Rika for so long that he couldn’t see you

(im sorry those puns were just too good not to put in lol get it cause hes blind)

He felt guilty for his feelings, like he was betraying Rika, yet he couldn't stop himself from feeling like he did when he was a kid

Jumin, once again, was stuck between his best friend and his sister being love sick idiots, too stupid and scared to see the other one felt the same way

He’s so over it like just get married already

He decides to invite V over, fully determined to give him a talk and tell him to ask you out 

Then he will invite you over so you’ll be in the same place as V

Then, Jumin will politely excuse himself for a ‘phone call’ and give them some time alone

He begins his plan in the morning, making sure you would both be coming over for dinner, then he leaves for work

Unfortunately, a meeting he had at the end of the day ended up running super late, leaving you and V alone 

Plan was ruined he’s triggered

But, what he didn’t know, was that things were going along just fine between the two

You guys were sipping some wine and catching up and laughing and smiling like old times

V wanted to take a picture to capture the moment

You looked truly beautiful, framed by the night sky, cheeks flushed from the laughing and the alcohol, a smile on your face and a look in your eyes he hadn't seen, or at least hadn't recognized, since you were kids

He acted before he had the chance to stop himself, leaning forward and pressing a kiss that held in it the passion of years and years of love 

You melted into it, wrapping your arms around him and he felt like he couldn’t have brought you close enough 

He wanted all of you, everything he had missed out on in his lifetime of not making you his

Pulling apart, leaving you both breathless, forehead to forehead, he smiled down at you

“I’m sorry, I should have asked truth or dare first.”

jumins triggered lol

sorry if theres any mistakes im hella tired so i may have missed some in the proof read 

hope u liked it

[bran098]

turtle crossing

I was saving the diapsids long before you VSCO girls made it trendy by ditching plastic straws in your venti Starbucks cups.

A couple of years ago, driving along my small stretch of road, I saw a turtle up ahead, smack dab in the middle of it. I slowed down, pulled off to the side, and looked both ways before stepping foot onto the asphalt. It was a rather small turtle, just doing its business, taking its time to cross the road. That is until it saw me. One look at this lumbering dude and it withdrew its limbs into its shell.

I picked it up and asked it not to bite me as I slowly and gently walked it across the road in the same direction it was headed. I hoped it wasn't the snapping kind. I didn't know much about turtles but was it possible it could whip its head around, elongated and angry, ready to strike my palm with its powerful jaw? Thankfully it never peeped out of its head hole and let me taxi it to the other side. Once it was safely out of rubber harm's way, I carefully set it down and stepped back a bit to see if it would come out of its shell. It eventually did and continued on its course.

I drive a lot and see a lot of dead animals in the road and it breaks my heart a little each time. I try to swerve to avoid as many as I can but not all animals can be avoided and it should always be done within reason. And I started to think about that "within reason" and realized most of us don't apply that logic to our day-to-day lives and routine activities. Consideration, kindness, and good deeds are all lacking in society. I've often wondered where that breakdown started to begin. Surely it's not just one factor but a multitude of reasons we've all become rancid.

One thing that I've noticed is we don't seem to be taught how to give and receive love. We all feel alone and alienated and bullied and often that bullying comes from a lack of love on the aggressor's part. We live in an iced coffee cancel culture where it's popular to point out everyone's flaws. We are quick to condemn an off-color comment but we don't try to correct it. It's instant damnation without education and no opportunity for growth.

It's easy to write people off and think the worst of them because when we realize people can make mistakes, we have to face the reality that we also make mistakes. And that's a hard pill to swallow because mistakes mean growth and change and it's more comfortable being petty. We don't expect people to do better because we don't want to do better ourselves.

We openly hate others expecting no consequence but expect retaliation when someone hates us. We are taught suspicion, paranoia, and protection. But it really just boils down to fear and ignorance, two qualities that are not only tolerated by #45 but encouraged. Because when you can create, orchestrate, and control someone's fear, you can stroll in as the savior and when people feel safe, they trust you. And when they remain ignorant and uneducated, they will never question you.

When I was in school learning about civil rights and segregation, I looked around at my mixed classroom, all shades of black and white, and I thought to myself, "I am so glad that's all over." I look back on that memory with a mix of fondness and embarrassment now because I was so naive and innocent and really thought racism was dead. If only it were true and if only I could still live in that fantasy world. But at the time, living in the south, I should have been old enough and astute enough to know better. I guess I always brushed off the random racist relative or neighbor as a one-off, some leftover ideology that hadn't quite been eliminated yet. But my generation was better. My generation knew of tolerance and acceptance and did not listen to their small-minded elders. I was so wrong.

What I only came to recognize later on was that racism and bigotry never left us. Neither did sexism or homophobia. I just don't think I've ever seen it displayed as openly and proudly as I do today. And when you put God into the mix, it's an even more dangerous combination because now people can justify their hatred by hiding behind a religion. *"I'm not pro-life. God is! I'm not pro-slavery. God is! I'm not pro-guns. God is!"* Everyone is quick to claim religious freedom unless it has to do with the freedom to practice a different religion other than theirs. Then all of a sudden it's a crusade against Christianity.

I've witnessed all this from afar and I've been guilty of apathy. As long as it wasn't bothering me, I didn't care too much. I figured it would all work itself out eventually. Good defeats evil, right? Actually, not at all. There is no force in the world that will help or shift the tide toward good. No force except the force that humans can exert to make those changes themselves. I don't want to sit back and watch the world quite literally burn. I don't want to see minority groups oppressed or omitted entirely. That's not what I've grown up wanting to be. I've always wanted to help, to unite, to connect not only myself to other people but connect those around me.

It seems like a monumental task to try to save a world that already has one foot in the grave. And frankly, I don't think I'm up for the task. But what I am up for is doing all that I can, this small, insignificant, fragile glass human, to try to make someone's day better and hope that whatever good comes from that will then be delivered to someone else.

I guess it's the little things that still matter, those niceties and favors that have gotten lost or forgotten over time. Like paying for someone’s coffee or giving a genuine thanks when someone hands you a burger through a drive-thru window or bags your groceries at the checkout line. When someone tells you a joke, when you ask how their day was, when someone breaks off a piece of candy for someone else to enjoy. It's thinking about others, being considerate, taking the time and energy to do something for someone else, be it big or small. 'Cause those little interactions can really make a big difference in someone's day.

Maybe people don't bother with manners anymore because many of us feel so insignificant ourselves that we feel we can't make a difference in anyone's day. That lending an ear or offering our skills or services wouldn't be worth anyone's time. But that's just not the case. For example, I think I'm the biggest waste of space but that doesn't impede me from trying to help others. I think it gives me a sense of purpose and helps me not feel so worthless. If I wasn't there to make someone smile, maybe no one else would have come around either.

I'm glad I came around for that turtle because not long after I set it down to safety, a semi-truck came barreling by. It would have surely crushed that creature into the concrete had I not intervened. It was no inconvenience. It didn't take more than a few minutes out of my day and I was glad to assist another animal in need. What I did might not change the world and maybe the turtle didn't know it was destined for certain doom but moving it was a practice of showing mercy and concern for something else, something I need to do more of, something we all need to do more of, all in hopes that our slow and steady deeds might just add up to something significant.

[bougiebutbalanced]

An Apology & Cease-Fire

I try hard to love myself. It’s something that I actively practice everyday. Now before pass judgement, roll your eyes and think “its easy to love yourself when you look like that” I’m gonna stop you right there.  This isn’t how I’ve always looked. And certainly not how I always felt. I’ve battled the demons in my mind and mirror for as long as I can remember. 

I grew up in a time when everyone wore extra low rise jeans and tiny tops that displayed their belly rings. Xtina was dirrty, Paris Hilton was hot, 00 was the ideal size and the resident It Girl informed us that nothing tasted as good being skinny felt. 

But.... I wasn't built to wear 00 jeans. While my peers struggled to find jeans that were small enough around their waste yet long enough to cover their ankles, I fit comfortably into a size 6. I had an hourglass figure for as long as I could remember. But since I’m not Latina and those only person who it was acceptable to have curves was JLo, I began to develop some insecurities about myself. 

From the time I was about 12 I began every morning on the scale. Not my idea, non-optional, and overseen by my mom -one of my main demons disguised as a guardian angel. 3 little numbers would dictate whether I would climb into the shower and danced (150-151lbs) or cried (152lbs): for reference I was about 5’7-5’8. Thus began my war against my body. And I lost every battle. 

Growing up, I became aware that every group of friend had a fat friend --And when the DUFF book/movie eventually came out I began to think maybe I wasn't alone-- I had originally noticed this because that friend was always me. I had a habit of scanning whatever room I was in and mentally sorting the girls from best body to fattest. And being excited when I wasn’t in last. Albeit i was usually second to last. 

I began to binge. However the only eating disorders that existed were anorexia and bulimia- there was no such thing as a disorder where you ate copious amounts of junk food without the purge part (which for me came later). I was consumed with shame and guilt

The root of my shame and guilt stemmed from my mom. She has a my way is the best way attitude. With everything in life. She has an opinion on everything and if you don’t respond with “wow best idea ever how would I live without you” she gets upset. Those are her own insecurities, but they manifest in unhealthy ways towards me. Having a mom who judged everything I ate created constant shame and guilt around food. But when I wanted to do some kind of diet, she was supportive until it was inconvenient for her. Like if we were going out for dinner or if she was having people over then I should “just have a little.”  Or that time everyone was going vegetarian so I tried too and she made ribs and tacos and other things I loved trying to “break” me. Thanks mom 

This also led to my distain for exercising. Actually, just my distain for running. I hate running. Always have. It hurts and it’s boring and I’ve never been great at it. But my mom became a runner in her 20s and therefore it’s the only way to get healthy. I would’ve preferred spin classes or to try Pilates and I love swimmning but she didn't like those things and therefore in her mind they were inferior to the almighty option for weight loss: Running. Not cardio in general, just running.  

Then, in my early 20′s I got sick. I had a flare up of PCOS (super common auto immune and if you have it go to a naturopath and follow the diet- you’ll feel sooo much better I promise) I gained weight uncontrollably. But I also binged uncontrollably so I’m sure that contributed. I was also dangerously anemic which caused major depression. However I’m going to skip over most that time because it was a long and painful process of recovery. 

Before I lost all energy to do anything all I knew was that I was gaining weight and so I lived on celery and hummus and went to the gym twice a day.  I also tried to push thru my exhaustion, resting in my mom's eyes in lazy and therefore unacceptable, in her eyes you couldn't possibly heal if you were just laying on the couch, you should be up and moving. A prime example of this is when I got home from Australia, I’d drive the 20min in from our house to her office and I’d be so tired I’d have a headache from keeping my eyes open. But she told me it was jet lag just go to the gym and work it off... it was mono. We found out after it got really bad. I’d helped to unload 200 bails of hay and that night my glands swoll up to golf balls. The next day I was diagnosed and the dr said no impact sports or heavy lifting or my spleen could burst, it was pure luck that I was okay after lifting those bails.

Anyway, I was in my early 20s and now the Kardashians curves were envied and Kate Upton was the epitome of gorgeous, times had changed...but so had I. I was at my sickest, and my heaviest (260lbs) looking back at my high school pictures and wondering why I thought I was fat. If I could just get back to that weight, I’d be so happy. Yet, I’d cry when I saw memes about having a fast metabolism in high school because I never had one. So the war raged on, I hated how I didn’t look like I did in high school, yet I hated that I was skinny in high school....and I never saw the link.

Eventually I healed, and  went on a diet (its called Ideal Protein and its Keto). I did this diet 3 times. The first I went back down to 180. Then went off it, and gained back up to about 220. Then I went back on it and dropped to 195, went off and gained back to 210...then slowly over the next year I gained back up to 220. And then I tried to be bulimic. Turns out I like the feeling of throwing up (ya    that might be weird) so I’d binge and binge and then throw everything up. I’d go shopping and try things on and when they didn't fit, I’d swear to myself that I’d “commit” to being bulimic, and do it twice a day. But it didn't help me lose weight, it just slowed down the gain. 

The third time and final time I did the Ideal Protein I was in a different (and much better) place mentally thanks to the therapist I was seeing at the time. I dropped to 165, and when I went off it I went vegan. I bought my own groceries and even though I live with my parents they work out of town so I’m mostly on my own for meals too. Sometimes I go through phases where I eat unhealthy and I go up in weight and then I go through phases where I eat very healthy, i.e: vegan (not preaching for everyone to be vegan but I’ve found that it works well for me personally) gained up to 175 and then lost (on my own). I’m currently in one of those going up phases and whatever. It started when I went to Bali and enjoyed myself, then I was unemployed and stressed so not a great reaction (I sprained my ankle in Bali so no dynamic exercise and even a lot of yoga poses I couldn't do) and now I’m on vacation for Xmas. I don’t enjoy what my body looks like right now but I’m trying not to care. I know when I go home I’ll choose healthy foods again. When my ankle heals I’ll go back to dynamic execrsices and when I get a new job I’ll begin going to barre classes because they’re my fave. 

Most importantly, I recently realized that I had been so wrong. I thought because I’d tried starving my body or tried throwing up everything that wasn't healthy for me, but that didn’t help me to lose weight so I thought I’d lost that battle. I tried to exercise everyday and often I’d push till I couldnt go on, but I didn't see any progress so that didn't work for me and I’d lost that battle too. For reference, the first time I did Ideal Protein I went from 260lbs - 180lbs and even though my jeans were smaller I couldn't see a difference in my reflection....so body dysmorphia was at play. I lost the battle when I tried to be healthy so I’d binge and binge and go months without any form of exercise. And it didn't matter. Because when I was losing weight (minus this last time), or when I was eating chocolate and pizza in the dark, I hated myself. I hated that I had to wear clothes that were “flattering” (I word I despise because in my moms world thats a compliment) instead of clothes that were trendy. And every time I’d see my reflection or a picture of me I’d feel like I’d lost or failed. But I was wrong. But I was wrong in thinking I was the loser in this war.  Because I controlled the shots and my body was the one that had to adapt to the restriction or the overload. It was the one that shrunk and grew in response to my actions that were all done out of anger, frustration, and hate so even when my body was getting exercise or nourishment it was always starved of love. 

So this decade. And those that come after it. It will be loved. There’s no wagons to fall off of or tracks to get back on. They’re all phases. Like seasons of the year or phases of the moon, some are darker than others but all are necessary for life and all have their good and bad characteristics. I love that I sometimes  allow myself to indulge (such as my current choices). But I also love that I choose to supply nourishment and movement to my body. I love myself enough to supply my vessel with nourishment. Now I move my body in ways that feel good i.e. low impact(yoga, barre, walks with my dog). And I also recognize that sometimes its better that I don’t move at all. Such as, it’s better to take 1-2 days of nothing but Netflix and delivery in order to recharge then to push through stress and exhaustion and struggle through before I eventually burn out, where I spend 2-3 WEEKS watching Netflix and getting delivery but hating myself while doing so and feeling like a failure. 

I’m so sorry to my that it went so long without love and validation. I promise to fill the rest of them with compassion and fun and understanding. Here’s to end of 2019 and good start to 2020; the end of a decade, but the start of an age (yes that’s a TSwift lyric) 

Love Me <3 

[daresplaining]

The Aesthetics of Physical Scars in the Marvel Netflix Shows

    (...As opposed to psychological scars, which could be a whole post on its own.)

    This is a slightly random post, but it’s something we’ve been thinking about for a while now and thus seemed worth mentioning. We’re not going to be covering all of the countless scars these characters have acquired so far (though we will take a minute to salute the consistency of Matt’s scarring between DD seasons-- which we discussed when the Season 2 trailers came out). Rather, we’re going to talk about how these shows have adapted big deal, character-significant scars: specifically, Matt’s eyes and Danny’s dragon brand.  

    When the Daredevil show was first announced, we were very excited-- for all the obvious reasons, but also because it was another chance for us to see some details that had previously been lacking in the comics and/or other adaptations possibly integrated into this new thing. Some of these were physical attributes (hey, we’re allowed to be shallow sometimes). In particular, we were hoping to finally get a redheaded Matt, and we were hoping for some realistic eye scarring. While Charlie Cox has ended up being a very nice Matt, neither of these hopes were met-- and though the hair color doesn’t bother us too much (well... we’re sure we’ll get over it eventually), we continue to be disappointed by the eye situation.

    Depictions of Matt’s eyes vary quite a bit in the comics, from looking pretty much undamaged...           

Daredevil vol. 1 #229, art by David Mazzucchelli and Christie Scheele

    ...to various versions of pale, pupil-less blue/grey...

Daredevil vol. 2 #49, art by Alex Maleev and Matt Hollingsworth

...to pure white.

Daredevil vol. 1 #374, art by Ariel Olivetti and Ed Lazarelli

    While this isn’t bad, it does downplay a basic element of Matt’s origin story. Obviously, not all visually impaired people have eyes that appear outwardly damaged. But not all visually impaired people were blinded by getting radioactive waste dumped in their face. The extreme nature of Matt’s accident means that realistically, he should have some pretty heavy scarring-- at least on his eyes, if not the rest of his face. As DD scholar Christine Hanefalk points out, “it’s pretty unrealistic that he could have made it through a chemical accident bad enough to blind him almost instantly and walk away without fairly obvious visible reminders of the ordeal”, and she has posited that one reason Matt may wear dark glasses is because he is self-conscious about having abnormal-looking eyes. Despite all this, DD artists usually opt for-- at most-- extremely stylized cataract shorthands (e.g. the plain white eyes in the example above), which communicate the damage but don’t risk marring his pretty face. And yes, we like Matt’s pretty face just fine-- but in this respect, we prioritize realism. The last thing we want to see in DD are any extra attempts at handwaving away inconvenient aspects of Matt’s blindness. There’s already too much of that. 

    But since illustrations are simplified translations of images anyway, and thus lack all the detail of the real world, this shortcoming in the comics is noticeable but not blatant. Live action, however, is a different story-- which is why we were hoping for some semi-realistic injuries in the Netflix show. The movie did a fairly decent job, with some noticeable scarring around Matt’s eyes and at least an attempt at something vaguely resembling cataracts (though still non-offensive, aesthetically pleasing ones):

    But in the Netflix show they didn’t even bother. It’s actually distracting how un-injured MCU Matt’s eyes look, particularly after having seen firsthand the severity of his accident. We don’t know the behind-the-scenes conversations that went into this decision, but all we can hear is “yes okay, he was blinded in this horrible way, but we’re ignoring that so he can still be conventionally attractive,” which is an attitude we don’t really appreciate.           

    One of us seems to remember Charlie Cox mentioning that he tried to wear cloudy contacts, but couldn’t manage it. To which we say: toughen up, Charlie. Come on, man. Ben Affleck and Scott Glenn managed just fine. 

[Source]

    The exact opposite happened with Iron Fist; our hopes were surpassed, but to a degree that only partly works in the context of the show. They actually hugged the dragon a little too hard, which we didn’t think was possible. 

    A signature part of Danny’s look-- and the look of all Iron Fists down through the centuries-- is the dragon brand, which is gained by killing Shou-Lao the Undying. Shou-Lao’s heart is kept outside of their body, and the only way for an Iron Fist candidate to defeat them is to block the chi connection between dragon and heart with their own body.         

Caption: “--You hurled yourself boldly at the strangely-shaped scar upon the dragon-lord’s breast-- for it was thru this scar that Shou-Lao’s heart was taken-- thru this scar that the Undying One received the mystic emanations that eternally sustained him-- and if those emanations were to be blocked off [...] then who could say what might occur? The heat pouring from the scar was almost unimaginable and though you could feel the flesh blistering on your chest... still you maintained your hold-- until unconsciousness had creeped almost upon you--”

Marvel Premiere #16 by Len Wein, Dick Giordano, and Glynis Wein

    This unpleasant procedure ends with the shape of the hole getting burned onto the new Iron Fist’s skin. And that’s all well and good, but the only way to make that look cool, from a design perspective, is to make the hole some wildly illogical shape, like a dragon... which makes no sense. Due to the weakness of this worldbuilding detail, we were assuming it would be scrapped in the show, and that the brand would be translated into a ceremonial tattoo of some sort; not nearly as dramatic, but far more realistic. We maintained that belief for most of the show. Colleen even refers to it as a tattoo in Episode 7: 

    However, in the beginning of Episode 11 we finally got a flashback to Danny’s fight with Shou-Lao... and guess what!

    It turns out that MCU Danny’s dragon brand is an actual brand-- which, from a geeky perspective, is amazing. We never dreamed they would remain that loyal to the source material. And not only that, but they granted our desperate pre-show wish and made it look nasty. In the flashback, the scar looks just as raw and crispy and painful as you’d expect a dragon chi burn would look. It’s believable-- a degree of realism that is invaluable for grounding and strengthening fantasy narratives like this. 

    Due to special effects budget constraints we didn’t get to see Danny’s actual fight with Shou-Lao (*sigh* maybe someday...) and-- possibly to avoid poking the weak worldbuilding too hard-- he never describes the actual process he went through to get the brand. In light of this lack of information, we assume it’s the same procedure as in the comics. And that’s fine. The problem is that they tried to have a scar that looked like a scar initially, but then looked nice and tattoo-ish later. 

    This is gorgeous. We love this revamp of the design (which has varied quite a bit over the years, though the show’s version might actually be our favorite). And this is, texture-wise, exactly what it looks like in the comics. 

Civil War: Choosing Sides, art by David Aja and Matt Hollingsworth

    But it’s another case of stylization for design appeal, and another symptom of illustrations operating as visual shorthand. We’d love for the brand to look more gnarly and burn-like in the comics, but we get why it isn't depicted that way. But live action is far less forgiving. It doesn’t look like a brand for most of the show, and you can’t have both: It can either be clean and pretty, or it can be a scar, and there is no way that someone should ever mistake a massive burn mark for a tattoo-- particularly one that looks the way it did in the flashback. This isn’t as upsetting for us as Matt’s unblemished eyes, but it’s still a sacrifice of realism for aesthetics that we find a little distracting.        

[twxntrash]

Just gonna say this: never work at fast food if you can help it. Sometimes. Oftentimes, dealing with customers is like trying to pull teeth.

They don’t say they want a meal just say sandwich and drink, and some won’t even say they want a drink, you just ask if there’s anything else you can get them and they’ll point at the cups and go “that” won’t say what size they want or if they want soda cup, water cup or coffee cup, so its basically you picking up various cups until they say yes, and when they get their tray it’s “where the fucks my fries” when they never asked any they said sandwhich and drink was all. Or you get someone asking for a sandwich don’t say they want a drink or fries then immediately after they pay “it’s a meal where’s my drink?” Like sir you just said you wanted a grilled chicken, I asked if you wanted anything else beside the sandwhich and you said no. You don’t get a meal with that. You can buy a drink and fry but I can’t ring it up as the meal price because the till doesn’t allow that.

And drive thru oh how I hate drive thru customers. You ask them questions and they just give you the silent treatment, like ‘Welcome to BK, may I take your order please?” nothing on the other end for like a minute “Order whenever your ready” and then you get them yelling “ID LIKE A---” but then when you ask anything else like “was there anything else I could get for you today?” or “Would that be all for you today?” you get nothing on their end and so after a minute you give them their total and they scream at you that they weren’t done. Like  bitch, if you had more things to order you should have said so when I asked! I’m not a freaking mindreader you have to answer my questions or I’m just going to assume you’re done and move on to the next customer. Other times they whisper their order or have someone in the farthest seat order so it’s hard to make out what they say and they don’t speak up when you ask. They’ll ask for five double whopper meals small and ask why it’s over fifty dollars and go off on you because they clearly said they wanted the six dollar value sized meals when they said nothing of the sort, because they said they wanted it small, I specifically asked what size you would like your meals and you said “Does it cost extra to upsize?” Well duh it does, “Just make them all small” but no, apparently you said you wanted the value size not the small size. 

 You get cars that pull three feet away from the window and they expect you to Mr. Fantastic yourself to hand them their things when they could be polite and just step out of their cars so they’re actually in reach without you leaning half your body out the window. They rarely do. Some will call you a fatass and “you could reach if you’d lose weight” at you when the problem is that they ignored the yellow lines on drive telling them where their car should be so people can reach them. Oh and coupons and mobile orders, you’re lucky if your customers actually tell you they’re using a coupon at the speaker, it’s not like we need that four digit code on the coupon to ring it up at the coupon price. Half the time they won’t bother telling you they’re using a coupon until they get to the window, so now we have to redo the entire order, which to do so we need a manager to delete everything since the til where you pay at does not allow for orders to be deleted, which means everyone behind the car at window has to wait longer because this one couldn’t tell the people taking their order they’re using coupons. There are also the ones who get to the window but wont hand their coupons over like “What??? You actually require us to give you the coupons when we use them??? What new concept is this????? I thought I could use these coupons infinitely????” or they wont even bring the coupons with them and then argue with you how they should still get the coupon deals even though they have no coupon with them like, bro, go to any store and they’ll have you give them the coupons when you use them, what makes you think fast food is any different? 

Mobile orders are just as bad, the customer can put their mobile order to be picked up inside or to be picked up on drive, but half the time they just pick a random one and don’t even go to the side they’re supposed to pick it up at. The inside mobile orders will print when the customer confirms it and all, but drive thru you need to go through drive and we have to confirm your order when you get here. So when they dont go through the side they put their order on, it’s easy to lose the order because they ordered it for inside and here we are waiting for an inside order and no ones coming to get it, or they ordered it for drive and we dont have any inside mobile orders printed when they come inside to get it. Or they’ll skip the speakers all together on drive, which they’re not supposed to, and just cut in line to get their food, like sir, you have to go through the speakers like everyone else, just because you got a mobile order doesn’t make you special. Disrupting the line like that is how cars get out of order and how orders get given to the wrong car.

On drive customers also think that the ground is a trash can because they’ll dump all their drinks and smothies and coffees onto it despite how many times you ask them ‘please don’t pour your drinks onto the ground’ or they’ll just toss their straw wrappers onto the ground despite you asking ‘please don’t throw your trash onto the ground’, or they’ll just hand you a bag of trash from other fast food joints expecting you to toss it despite there being a trash can on the drivers side just a few feet ahead. The worst are the sunflower seed eaters who’ll pour their soda cups full of sunflower seed shells onto the ground like it’s not a big deal.

People on drive wont wait for you to finish talking either before they drive off and then complain about how high the total is when they get to the window and how ‘the ordertaker didnt tell me my total!’ well you were trying to tell them but they drove off before you finished because they wanna be That Person. How’d they feel if you just walked off while they were in the middle of talking to you?

You’ll also get the occasional full grown adult who apparently has no freaking idea how drive thru works so he’ll just drive up to the window and start ordering his food, not even ordering just asking whats on the menue so then you have to explain that he has to order his food at the speakers like everyone else and it has a menue, but then he gets to the speakers, says he wants a chicken junior and when he gets to the window he starts modifying his sandwhich because he wants everything that doesnt cost extra on it but didnt want to tell anyone at the speaker that so now you got to wait longer to get this senile man who probably shouldnt even be driving out from your window. 

Then you get customers who have to challenge every change your store gets, like when corporate implements a new rule of how to do things, like how the higher ups now don’t want stores accepting any bill higher than a 20$, so when you get customers trying to pay with 50′s and 100′s you got to explain to them why you can’t accept their 50$ bill for to pay for their 1.08$ ice cream cone, ask if they have any other smaller bill or a different way to pay. They’ll argue that they know their bill is good and should be able to pay with it, it doesn’t matter that corporate doesn’t allow us to accept those bills anymore, this customer  should be entitled to special treatment, keeps yelling at you despite how many times you explain that you can’t accept it, explain it’s a recent change but that the store does have signs up saying that we don’t accept these bills (So its not really your  fault the customer didnt know, all they had to do was look down on the counter in front of the till while they ordered, there’s a sign right there in front of the til saying that you don’t accept these bills) but the customers demands to see the manager because how dare you not accept a bill your store is no longer supposed to accept. Then the manager explains why we can’t accept so the man is still pissed but pays with a card and says its all bullshit and all but says ‘fuck you’ to you when you tell them ‘I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but we don’t make the rules unfortunately, we just have to follow what the higher ups tell our store to do.” 

A few customers will think ‘oh so counter doesnt accept fifties, but drive does, right?” and not seem to understand the concept that the whole store doesn’t accept these bills, why would drive accept fities and counter not?

And then there are the people who just want sauce or water, and call you a thief when you charge them 16 cents per sauce or 25 cents for a water (which is only when people on drive thru only get cups of water) I can’t understand why you’d go to a fast food place and just ask for barbecue sauce and nothing else, but when you charge them they get pissed because apparently they shouldnt have to pay for sauce, regardless of the fact that sauce only comes free with specific items. 

And then a few customers have this mindset that if they don’t have enough to cover their food, the store will pay the rest. Like bitch??? That’s not how a business works??? And if they realize that you’re not going to pay the rest for them, they get huffy and “Well what am I supposed to pay with??” and when you offer solutions; “I can make the meal smaller, that’ll reduce the cost, we can take an item off, cheese is 25-50 cents (Depending on sandwhich/how many slices) and bacon is like 80 cents if we take that off...” they don’t agree to any and just act like them not having enough for their 12 dollar meal is your fault somehow and that you should be using the coin cup next to the til (Which is extra change that goes into the Cancer Fund donation box thing at the end of the night that we also use if the customer is shortma couple of pennies) to pay the rest of the two dollars of their meal.

Then you get the customer with the coupon for 2 meals for 9 dollars, and asks for cheese and bacon on them and is surprised when it now costs 11 dollars instead of nine, so they get their dad who starts arguing and yelling at you when you explain that ‘the nine dollars is before tax, but with the extras it comes to 11’ and doesn’t seem to understand that it’s the add ons that mad it more expensive and insists on you telling him the exact tax on food items, something you dont know because no one ever told you it, and ignores you when you explain the tax would only be about 60 or 70 cents extra that it’s the bacon and cheese that upped the price, so you have to get your manager because it doesn’t matter how much you explain, he clearly isn’t going to listen to you.

[traumaticexperiences]

I’ve been worrying and thinking about my past for a long, long time. The past 1,5 year I’ve been working with a great therapist but I’m not quite ready to have the “Hey but have I ACTUALLY been abused”-talk with her, so I hope to get some validation and/or thoughts on my situation from you. I do, however, completely understand if you don’t have the time or energy to comment on this - don’t worry about that! Things already went wrong at birth, we were born 2 months early and my twinsister died. Needless to say, I lived. I assume my parents (mostly my mom) became depressed afterwards, even though she says she’s never been depressed. I remember her laying in bed all the time and not really being available. I can’t blame her though, she was obviously mourning the loss of a child. Sadly, it gave me the feeling I was not good enough - I could never make up for what was lost, I could never be as good as two children.  Other than that my mother is quite the difficult personality. Everything has to go her way, otherwise it’s wrong. The problem? ‘Her way’ changes every five fucking minutes. Just when I thought I’d figured out what I’d have to do to be a good child, it changed. But the thing is, she never did anything really wrong. She never hit me or abused me in any other explicit way. If I’d come home a minute late, she’d be standing behind the door with her watch, being angry. If she were angry, she’d not scream or yell, she’d be silent. Disappointed. Saying sorry wouldn’t help, because I already did wrong. She never punished me (except for a very occasional spanking although I don’t really remember that except for maybe it happening twice?). She loves me, undoubtedly, but she’s troubled and everything just always felt wrong. Also the past years I’ve begun to realise she drinks quite a bit? Like at least one (1) bottle of wine each day, probably more. She doesn’t even get drunk anymore.  My dad is the best. He’s kind, loving, warm. But he vanishes in company of my  mother. I’ve missed him as a child. Why didn’t he stand up for me? (And later, for my 3,5 year younger sister) I feel I can’t be angry with him for this, because I understand. It’s impossible to stand up to my mother. Yet, I feel angry. He let me down! I needed him, he wasn’t there! I remember sundaymornings when my mother went out for groceries or whatever. Me, my younger sister and my father would watch TV in our PJ’s, have a relaxed breakfast and have fun. As soon as we heard my mother entering the home, we would HURRY THE FUCK UP to get dressed and clean our mess because she would most certainly become angry with us: we had spent our entire morning doing nothing, now the house was a mess she’d have to clean etc. It’s just… I almost wish she explicitly abused me, so I could explain why the f i’m so messed up. To the outside world she’s kind, loving. Maybe a little controlling, but nothing worse than that. It makes my blood boil and I want to scratch her fucking eyes out but that’d make ME the bad guy (and other than that I’m not the one to be violent so don’t worry it’s just in my mind). I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this rant, I can’t possibly expect you have anything to say to this, yet I hope you will magically make me see the truth. I want to know the truth, not just my experience or her story. The one-on-one truth that’s undoubtedly true. Guess that’s impossible. Thank you for your time + for this amazing blog you’ve got here. You’re a wonderful person and I wish for you to find happiness in your life <3

/////////

I know it’s really difficult for you to see it, but you were really, explicitly abused. There is a huge burden of guilt put on you thru all of your life, you haven’t experienced real safety or security of a family and home, you’ve been exposed to emotional abuse and you were not allowed to even get angry or    blame the abusers from hurting you. You have every right to be angry at your dad, failing to protect you from an abuser and just disappearing when you need someone on your side is not acceptable parent behaviour! “oh im supposed to protect you from harm but its inconvenient so im gonna disappear and have you deal with it all on your own and dont blame me bc remember i could be worse i could be like your abuser be grateful i’m not” is emotional abandonment and emotional blackmail. you can hold him responsible for failing to protect you from abuse, and adding onto it. 

I can see you’re more often looking at events from your abuser’s point of view rather than your own, and considering their feelings before your own, and that is a proof you’ve been emotionally abused, a healthy person will look at things from their own personal perspective first, because your own perspective is much more important for you and your life than your mothers. The second you’re required to watch your own abuse from their point of view you’re required to make excuses and “understand” why they abused you rather than examine how much damage you too. Putting your mother’s mourning aside, what about you? How much did it hurt you to be treated like you’re not good enough? If she was so depressed about losing one child why wasn’t she putting all her love in caring for the live child right in front of her? Why were you not allowed to make mistakes and be forgiven? Why did you have to feel guilty and like there’s no way to help it once you “do wrong” but to take her contempt and disappointment and feel horrible? Why weren’t your allowed to learn how to do things your way and know that they’re good the way you do it? Why did you have to walk on eggshells and put your life on pause just to run and please your mom, and protect yourself from her rage and abuse? 

Your mom owes so much to you. You haven’t experienced what it means to be loved, accepted, cared for, and safe. You spent your childhood in fear and just trying to protect yourself from your family, when they were the ones who were supposed to protect you. You had to be scared of mistakes and displeasing your mother rather than walking thru life safely, knowing that your mother and father will always be there to help you out, to protect you, to push you thru, to comfort and support you. Your parents were supposed to provide that to you but they didn’t. No matter their reasons, you are still the one suffering damage from it, and missing out on experience of family.

[cheapggdbonsales-blog]

Golden Goose Deluxe Brand Sneakers Cheap My a Few Successful online Business Tips

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[pagedesignhub-blog]

The stop of Steam: imagining the future of the way we purchase games

New Post has been published on https://pagedesignhub.com/the-stop-of-steam-imagining-the-future-of-the-way-we-purchase-games/

The stop of Steam: imagining the future of the way we purchase games

Over the past few years, Steam has delivered refunds, attempted paid mods (and failed), incorporated digital truth monitoring technology, and soon will permit all and sundry put up video games for a price. In the meantime, GOG shed the original meaning of its call, Exact Vintage video games, and constructed a purchaser at the same time as staying DRM-free. Itch.Io appeared at the scene and permit everybody sell video games totally free, simplest taking a cut if the vendor gives one. If you’d advised me all these ten years in the past I’d have laughed, simply as I possibly wouldn’t have believed you in the overdue 90s If you advised me I had already purchased more boxed games than I used to be ever going to shop for for the relaxation of my lifestyles.

I will expect the information of precisely how Steam or every other Pc gaming carrier will exchange, but I’m able to properly say that they’ll exchange. With that in thoughts, the question will become: What can we want that change to be? What trendy opportunities can we consider, and will they make we enjoy better or worse?

I’ve indulged on this hypothesizing with input from some video games industry oldsters, borrowing their experience to imagine some possible futures: a mega-provider run by a board of publishers, a consumer-friendly provider run by way of a nonprofit, a completely decentralized carrier, and massive movements with the aid of giants Amazon and Tencent. Here’s a glimpse at some Computer gaming galaxies ways far away from our personal…

The stop of Steam

If Steam disappeared, the whole thing would probable stay pretty a whole lot the same.

If we deposed Valve because the leader of Computer sports distribution, what may want to replace Steam? In one universe, the largest recreation corporations band together to build a fantastic platform, similar to how Hulu formed out of a collaboration with Disney, Fox, Comcast, and Time-Warner. And so Steam merges with Foundation merges with uPlay. One of these multi-headed corporate monsters seems unlikely, but it is one technique to rebuilding an imperative platform.

In the meantime, in a greater best universe, I’m able to imagine a nonprofit with the easy aim of being the quality viable marketplace for anybody, taking a cut from income most effective to enhance its provider, and starting up APIs to the community so we can construct our personal clients. It’s a constructive vision that, to begin with excited me, but, because it seems, is probably only a little too optimistic.

buy video games On-line, Download Rather of purchasing From a shop For absolutely everyone who buys games from shops and stores, you may be extremely joyful to examine that these days there may be no want to. You may buy video games Online, Download they all, and experience them shortly after downloading them.

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In a while whilst you are internal the shop you furthermore might need to try to locate the video games you’d like.

Stress, inconvenience – and a real pain to address!

Who don’t you purchase video games Online, Download and have amusing in preference to messing round at the shop?

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purchase games on the internet, take pride in them, Download them in less time than it takes you to pick out your shoes and get proper in there to the great things – gambling the video games in under some candy seconds.

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Unique Approaches to shop for video games and Save money There are many Distinct Methods to buy video games. video games are expensive however, so is there any answers to making big financial savings whilst you purchase video games? In this text we are able to examine several One-of-a-kind Methods, and observe how You can make big financial savings.

One option which typically incorporates awesome costs is the choice to buy through mail order. In gaming magazines, You may find ads for these locations.

They offer the best fees, but, they also have a long shipping time. The system of ordering may be short, however, transport frequently takes 14 to 21 days. It then turns into a count of whether or not it’s far truely really worth it to attend that lengthy.

As games change speedy, expenses come down quick. So the savings might not be that proper, specially while you don’t forget that video games move down in price pretty quick. So it’s miles something to remember before buying.

* purchase video games on the net

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[29theageofunderstanding]

New years, the worse year. 2016's last big laugh

So my current situation is bleak. Recently I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after having a complete depressive breakdown at work and feeling like I was so completely unloved. Part of feeling like I was being gaslighted part feeling like I was actually having a mental breakdown. I went in to the e.r. to voluntarily entering a mental health in patient center. That pretty much ended with me not really having answers as much as more questions. They rushed me thru more or less even they I just sat there forever with nothing. Waiting in a phyc room with Valerie by my side. It felt like such a inconvenience for her, but she stayed. And I appreciated that so much. But I ended up being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Valerie said it was either I get help or I loose her. And I tried, I tried to get help but the docs did a horrible job and pretty much brushed me of and did the absolute minimum for me getting me nowhere. So in trying to make things better for the relationship, it made them worse. I was suppose to get help but I didnt. So the issues that were suppose to start getting worked on never did. I was still jealous and insecure and worried about if valerie loved me, if she was telling me the truth let alone wanted to be with me. We would still argue but we always got past them by ending them laughing somehow. Our latest argument has not ended up with a joke in the same sense. It was 2016's joke. Starting off going into 11pm-1am new years day things were good, I was sort of anxious and quiet but I slowly warmed up and me and valerie were having fun. There was a bigger dude who was flirting with her most of the night when she would go up to get drinks but I think she sort of just rolled with it as the conversation turned to a friend of hers being single or not. But I still let that effect my night and I shouldn't have. The night which originally and ironicly started off great. I made her french toast in bed Which I enjoyed taking care of her a lot. She was my baby and she meant the world to me. Later we took a nap and woke up. I went to the store to get stuff for the night and she made her butternut squash soup. When I got back in inadvertently started a argument about a ex of hers and if she had messaged him l, which she had and that wasn't the issue. I'm very insecure about him because I know how valerie feels about him. Or at least I know from the beginning of the relationship when I had caught her lying to me about him which caused arguments and a distrust in her. Truth be told I thought he was a ok dude. A ass hole for how he treated valerie but other then that a ok dude. So valerie texted him about coming to hang out with us for new years, and some other friends and I tried to explain to her that it made me uncomfortable to be around him and with Valerie drinking I wasn't sure how she would act as well as me drinking and how I could react. And frankly it just was a situation in wanted to avoid. Well we argued and she said we should just stay home then because I had already ruined the night. I insisted we go out still as it was suppose to be a special night for us. And I didn't want it wrecked for some dumb reason.which noe looking back would have saved it.. we were drinking and our table had copious amounts of alcohol at out table valerie probably had collectively 2+ bottles of champagne in her. 5 gin and tonics and I believe two shots of taquila. For her this was alot. She was acting bubbly and fun but started getting sloppier and boisterous. I was on my 6th or 7th whisky sour. And I had a couple cups of champagne in me and a shot of jameson. I had a pretty good buzz on but still maintaining and had my whits about me. She had made mention of a ex of hers that she openly admitted to using him and manipulating to get to this other dude. And how he was at the bar across the street. And how we were lucky to be at this bar because he would gladly jump her bones. Just hearing those things Ontop of my own insecuritys sort of changed my outlook and her prior statements about how the people at the next table were ugly as shit and looked like dogs and how hot she was, which I agree she was so fucking beautiful. But I did tell her she was being rude as shit. Which at this point she had just started drinking champagne and her buzz was starting pretty good. Sort of the whole night she had this clout of being the shit. And being better then everyone. And it's off putting when she acts like that. I.mean to a certain extent I agree she is incredible. And I won the fucking lottery with her. When she drinks or smokes bud she becomes "lost" asking where is she and stuff like that with a demeanor of just not following what's actually going on but still just going with the flow. I sometimes admire it and sometimes it makes me feel like I have to babysit her or tell her when she's had to much. She doesn't really do moderation. She just keeps going untill she cant. And that hurts to see because I know what those are signs of. Plus she had already had a past with drinking in excess. What I feel like is with this being her first year with out her father and her mother taking alot out of her I understand why she was overly stressed. And I know inside she misses him so much. That the drinking was a coping mechanism. To deal with her internal emotions she can't let go of. But it's in those senarios that she gets so drunk that she doesn't have to feel. I can completely relate. And I've been there and yet I feel like I can't stop her or that she will find someone else who allows it. It's very hard for me to deal with that. Because I try so hard to make people happy. I know exactly what started the shit storm. I walked away and made her feel like i was abondoning her. With the other issue Ontop of that it was done from there and I fucking g regret just walking out of the room her irrational thinking compiled with my absence it quickly added gas to the fire. I asked her friend for a cigarette because she was acting overly drunk and roaming around her friends house chasing the cat, digging thru his stuff and just not respecting his space. She didn't have one so I walked out of the apartment and onward to the car. To have one and warm up because it was to goddamn cold and I only had on a flannel that was light. So I wanted to warm up and my lighter had gotten to cold and wouldn't not start so I used the car lighter. She called and said we were over and how much of a piece of shit I was. She called again and I answered it actually seeing a phone call this time. And she just went off. She was screaming and crying completely irrationally saying how much she hoped I had died and worthless I was and just tearing down and making me feel as tho I was nothing to her. With her excuse of I was keeping you safe. Which I didn't understand what so ever and with her punching me in the face and verbally distroying me I was broken. I was done. I walked home and waited. She called saying she was going to be waking home. Instantly I thought she can't be walking home its way to cold. So I went and found her and drove her back home where we got into even more of a argument and her being agressive twords me because I grabbed her phone so she could calm way down and she was grabbing at me and pushing me. When I grabbed her I put her against the wall in order to try and get her to calm way down that didn't help what so ever. She started screaming help me oh my god help me. After about 15 seconds of seeing this was not going any wear I let her go. Where I pleaded with her to listen and calm herself down but she wouldn't. She cared absolutely zero about me. On my knees in front of her she grabbed at my head in the way of catching a basket ball and shook my head. I gave her back the phone and her bank card. I wanted to get out but she kept stopping me she was on the phone with the police telling them what was going on and how she was trying to keep my inside and they kept telling her to let me get out. I finally got out and waited for the police. I filled out out a statement and so did you. The next thing I know is you are being carried off by the police, handcuffed and scared. I was really becide myself and scared about what would happen. That's why it sucked so bad....