29theageofunderstanding

[29theageofunderstanding]

Otter Onesie! From stay padded

[29theageofunderstanding]

That explains the laser raptor.

Kung Fury (2015)

[29theageofunderstanding]

Today

I still am unable to eat, sleep, listen to songs with out breaking down. Thinking about every great moment we had shared. She was my best friend and that's lost now. I'm trapped and scared and have almost no where to turn to. Help me..

[29theageofunderstanding]

New years, the worse year. 2016's last big laugh

So my current situation is bleak. Recently I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after having a complete depressive breakdown at work and feeling like I was so completely unloved. Part of feeling like I was being gaslighted part feeling like I was actually having a mental breakdown. I went in to the e.r. to voluntarily entering a mental health in patient center. That pretty much ended with me not really having answers as much as more questions. They rushed me thru more or less even they I just sat there forever with nothing. Waiting in a phyc room with Valerie by my side. It felt like such a inconvenience for her, but she stayed. And I appreciated that so much. But I ended up being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Valerie said it was either I get help or I loose her. And I tried, I tried to get help but the docs did a horrible job and pretty much brushed me of and did the absolute minimum for me getting me nowhere. So in trying to make things better for the relationship, it made them worse. I was suppose to get help but I didnt. So the issues that were suppose to start getting worked on never did. I was still jealous and insecure and worried about if valerie loved me, if she was telling me the truth let alone wanted to be with me. We would still argue but we always got past them by ending them laughing somehow. Our latest argument has not ended up with a joke in the same sense. It was 2016's joke. Starting off going into 11pm-1am new years day things were good, I was sort of anxious and quiet but I slowly warmed up and me and valerie were having fun. There was a bigger dude who was flirting with her most of the night when she would go up to get drinks but I think she sort of just rolled with it as the conversation turned to a friend of hers being single or not. But I still let that effect my night and I shouldn't have. The night which originally and ironicly started off great. I made her french toast in bed Which I enjoyed taking care of her a lot. She was my baby and she meant the world to me. Later we took a nap and woke up. I went to the store to get stuff for the night and she made her butternut squash soup. When I got back in inadvertently started a argument about a ex of hers and if she had messaged him l, which she had and that wasn't the issue. I'm very insecure about him because I know how valerie feels about him. Or at least I know from the beginning of the relationship when I had caught her lying to me about him which caused arguments and a distrust in her. Truth be told I thought he was a ok dude. A ass hole for how he treated valerie but other then that a ok dude. So valerie texted him about coming to hang out with us for new years, and some other friends and I tried to explain to her that it made me uncomfortable to be around him and with Valerie drinking I wasn't sure how she would act as well as me drinking and how I could react. And frankly it just was a situation in wanted to avoid. Well we argued and she said we should just stay home then because I had already ruined the night. I insisted we go out still as it was suppose to be a special night for us. And I didn't want it wrecked for some dumb reason.which noe looking back would have saved it.. we were drinking and our table had copious amounts of alcohol at out table valerie probably had collectively 2+ bottles of champagne in her. 5 gin and tonics and I believe two shots of taquila. For her this was alot. She was acting bubbly and fun but started getting sloppier and boisterous. I was on my 6th or 7th whisky sour. And I had a couple cups of champagne in me and a shot of jameson. I had a pretty good buzz on but still maintaining and had my whits about me. She had made mention of a ex of hers that she openly admitted to using him and manipulating to get to this other dude. And how he was at the bar across the street. And how we were lucky to be at this bar because he would gladly jump her bones. Just hearing those things Ontop of my own insecuritys sort of changed my outlook and her prior statements about how the people at the next table were ugly as shit and looked like dogs and how hot she was, which I agree she was so fucking beautiful. But I did tell her she was being rude as shit. Which at this point she had just started drinking champagne and her buzz was starting pretty good. Sort of the whole night she had this clout of being the shit. And being better then everyone. And it's off putting when she acts like that. I.mean to a certain extent I agree she is incredible. And I won the fucking lottery with her. When she drinks or smokes bud she becomes "lost" asking where is she and stuff like that with a demeanor of just not following what's actually going on but still just going with the flow. I sometimes admire it and sometimes it makes me feel like I have to babysit her or tell her when she's had to much. She doesn't really do moderation. She just keeps going untill she cant. And that hurts to see because I know what those are signs of. Plus she had already had a past with drinking in excess. What I feel like is with this being her first year with out her father and her mother taking alot out of her I understand why she was overly stressed. And I know inside she misses him so much. That the drinking was a coping mechanism. To deal with her internal emotions she can't let go of. But it's in those senarios that she gets so drunk that she doesn't have to feel. I can completely relate. And I've been there and yet I feel like I can't stop her or that she will find someone else who allows it. It's very hard for me to deal with that. Because I try so hard to make people happy. I know exactly what started the shit storm. I walked away and made her feel like i was abondoning her. With the other issue Ontop of that it was done from there and I fucking g regret just walking out of the room her irrational thinking compiled with my absence it quickly added gas to the fire. I asked her friend for a cigarette because she was acting overly drunk and roaming around her friends house chasing the cat, digging thru his stuff and just not respecting his space. She didn't have one so I walked out of the apartment and onward to the car. To have one and warm up because it was to goddamn cold and I only had on a flannel that was light. So I wanted to warm up and my lighter had gotten to cold and wouldn't not start so I used the car lighter. She called and said we were over and how much of a piece of shit I was. She called again and I answered it actually seeing a phone call this time. And she just went off. She was screaming and crying completely irrationally saying how much she hoped I had died and worthless I was and just tearing down and making me feel as tho I was nothing to her. With her excuse of I was keeping you safe. Which I didn't understand what so ever and with her punching me in the face and verbally distroying me I was broken. I was done. I walked home and waited. She called saying she was going to be waking home. Instantly I thought she can't be walking home its way to cold. So I went and found her and drove her back home where we got into even more of a argument and her being agressive twords me because I grabbed her phone so she could calm way down and she was grabbing at me and pushing me. When I grabbed her I put her against the wall in order to try and get her to calm way down that didn't help what so ever. She started screaming help me oh my god help me. After about 15 seconds of seeing this was not going any wear I let her go. Where I pleaded with her to listen and calm herself down but she wouldn't. She cared absolutely zero about me. On my knees in front of her she grabbed at my head in the way of catching a basket ball and shook my head. I gave her back the phone and her bank card. I wanted to get out but she kept stopping me she was on the phone with the police telling them what was going on and how she was trying to keep my inside and they kept telling her to let me get out. I finally got out and waited for the police. I filled out out a statement and so did you. The next thing I know is you are being carried off by the police, handcuffed and scared. I was really becide myself and scared about what would happen. That's why it sucked so bad....

[29theageofunderstanding]

The start of me

Let's backtrack a little but just to shed some light upon myself. My current situation. Me at a family members house not knowing if I'm currently in a relationship or not. Not knowing if the girl that I love, the woman that I want to start my life with in complete limbo. 2016- the year that fucked everyone- What can I say. This last year has sucked, worse then any year that I can think of. It had its up ands downs. A very heavy year if you will. Lots of sadness lots of heart break, lots of thinking I was ready for change. But falling back into the same rut of self deprication. If I'm not mistaken about last year this time I was with denisha, a yonder girl who had my heart. She was fun she was a muse to me. It was a girl who I met of tindr. We hit it off amazingly our first date was outside of safelight auto repair. And we just talked. We hit it off immediately and she made me feel so happy inside. New years 2015-2016. Denisha and I were sort of on the rocks. Partly because of my insecuritys and I think with her being a collage girl her prioritys were more so eye candy. We went to a bar in Stevens point. That was really packed and it gave me really bad anxiety. There was a air of jealousy, and i love you but my eyes still looking around and im not ready to fully commit. There was a fight I had to break up and it wad quite fitting for the year. The year starting off on the coat tails of Kristine. That fucking bundle of joy, manipulations, insipidness and lies wrapped in a im.so innocent, bratty bullshit sugar coating. Needless to say denisha was a refreshing contrast. The relationship was a highly sexual relationship. Yet another first date that ended with sex. I had a real great streak of those sort of dates.. some of which I actually didn't even have the intention to or even have it in mind. But for what ever reason that's how they would end. We had so much sex, it was great. But that lust transformed into love and got confused I feel with both of us and we would have been better suited for a fwb sort of relationship. But we told eachother how much we loved eachother and we ate that shit up. The relationship was one of cheating, lies, jealousy and but in those good times they were great. There was rose. She was great and did teach me alot, there was lots of heart ache as well. At some point I'll go into that whole situation. New years I remember not sure exact order -New years eve in Stevens point with denisha and being extremely anxious and not enjoying it and drinking very heavily. -new years doing different substances being anxious and not sleeping being picked up by Laura doing blow a bunch and still riding the waves of halucigens. -new years of my personal indescresion wile still trying to maintain and save a relationship. -new years of complete isolation. -the most recent, worse new years to date. Loads of alcohol and irationality. More then likely loosing the love of my life. -new years of hanging out with Jenny, getting drunk on her couch..

[29theageofunderstanding]

The purpose of this blog

Hi, I'm chris! I'm 29 and I am currently in a rocky situation. This blog will be dedicated to just text posts with the ocasions of pictures of my life. I have been quite anti social over the last 10 or so years. I have have plenty of down falls and heart ache. I'm going to use this blog as a starting point for accepting responsibility for my actions. My good and bad, my journey thus far. Things I have learned and relized. Using this as a medium in which I can better myself and help myself. It's a quite selfserving blog and perhaps others who have yet to make the first steps to rebalancing your karmic debt. I have a hard time letting people in and my hope this will help me with some of mental issues.