#its abt knowing despite everything that others have suffered the same pain as u and survived

[autistic-fandom-trash]

hey what if naomi herne and andrea nunis. together. dating or friends or qpr i havent decided.

[bitchynaruto]

Hey, not exactly related to ur fic maybe but I saw ur post about naruto being obsessed with sasuke as a manifestation of his trauma( I saw it the same way too). Do u then think it's like a character flaw that is never actually addressed? Like later on obvio he gets a broader justification as in Indra/Ashura reconciliation being imperative to world peace but if we take out the sog6 path folklore it becomes a repurcussion of his emotional issues. In that light what do u think if a fic where (1/2)

he learns that to "let go" would be a healthier alternative to his growth? In that light him being rewarded w what he wants(sasuke acknowledging him)leaves his issues unaddressed? This is a naruto centric ask like mostly abt his saviour complex/emotional codependency/acknowledgement complex if he isn't a messiah( if u take away the mythological folkore). Sorry if it comes across as stupid if u don't want to answer u can ugnore it( end).

thats a good question because its one that ive been rolling around in my brain, bc in the fuck konoha series i havent like fully comitted to them being reincarnated (even tho i love that trope lol). BUT ITS DEF NOT BORING TO ME AT ALL LOL. i mean part of the reason i started fuck konoha series is because of his unacknowledged flaws along with becoming a bootlicker 

anyway, the short of this answer is i definitely think naruto’s savior/acknowledgement complex and his codependency for sasuke are flaws that are masked as positive traits in the writing! this is one of those situations where the author’s intent/background is imperative to why these choices were made and the direction of the storytelling went the way it did.

my naruto essay is under the cut for further rambling on this subject cause idk how to shut up:

with a well rounded character , a character’s traits can easily be a positive or a negative. for example, naruto’s loyalty is considered generally positive, but the loyalty to the village is less admirable and more negative, considering we know how shitty the village is. his want to save sasuke is noble, until it gets to the point where he’s allowing himself to be a martyr, offering himself to be beat up by karui and sasuke bc hes the only one who can bear the pain and hatred of those two respectively. its the same with sasuke too, his determination is admirable because we can see his hard work, whether it be training or saving a comrade, but it becomes negative when it turns into tunnel vision and he doesnt care who he hurts in the aspect of his goal. its what i love about them, how their flaws and positive traits are really from the same source 

so in canon naruto’s issues regarding the big three as you said, his saviour complex/emotional codependency/acknowledgement complex, is addressed but in the terms of the narrative... it is actually considered positive traits of his. it’s why they’re briefly addressed following the pein invasion, but when it comes to a head at the waterfall of truth scene... naruto swallows it down and instead chooses to consider these things as what the village admires and expects of him.

the positive traits of a hero for konoha AND for naruto and co.:

the village is your home. protect the village over your own blood, bonds, and everything else.

not following the rules makes you scum, but abandoning your friends are worse than scum.

conforming to the village despite its atrocities > rebelling against the village

(abandoning friends is what will lead you into danzo territory, the other 2 is what lands sasuke in villain territory)

but that’s where kishi writes himself into an oxymoron with his themes, and why naruto’s character takes a turn for the worse after the waterfall of truth.

now his choice to continue being the village’s savior is in his own way of ‘letting go’ of all the pain and resentment and hatred he has for the village is seen as a positive trait and positive action, especially when you compare sasuke’s want vengeance and retribution for his clan. sasuke’s set up to be the antagonist, the opposite of naruto. if sasuke hates, naruto forgives. where sasuke refuses to forget, naruto insists on him AND sasuke ignoring their pain for the sake of the village (i.e. the greater good). 

the thing is... at a narrative standpoint, i understand why naruto makes this choice. its not really surprising. honestly narutos choice of swallowing his anger for the sake of the village or rejecting the village and following a path more similar to sasuke had both been set up in regards to kishi’s writing

to anyone with a brain and who isnt a nationalist, we actually see narutos choices as kinda horrific and impeding on his mental health. we see these as flaws, naturally. but to kishi, naruto’s choice is the ultimate one of sacrifice and heroism. turning the other cheek. it’s why sasuke’s redemption includes him allowing for naruto, kakashi, and the rest of the konoha to bury the truth of the uchiha massacre, for the sake of the village. a parallel to naruto accepting what the village has done to him for the sake of the village.

naruto is the hero, so he must forgive. sasuke is the villain, so he wants revenge. where sasuke cuts off bonds, naruto chases after him at the expense of himself. sasuke, according to the series, is selfish, whereas naruto is selfless. ultimately as a protagonist, naruto is given a choice between saving the village and saving sasuke. kishi lets naruto get out of that choice by allowing him to choose the village and sasuke

(which, ultimately, is seen as good. considering sasuke’s the ‘villain’, hes the one whos going to suffer from this decision i.e. no justice for his clan, not naruto, who gets to become hokage and have his best friend back)

so kishi’s plan is just to ignore the acknowledgement issues as a flaw and instead of like... growing past the need for acknowledgement, he gives naruto the acknowledgement from the villagers as a reward for his heroism. instead of dealing with the savior complex, he writes naruto as a messiah, so of course hes going to be self sacrificing for the sake of others! instead of dealing with narutos codependency and how  that negatively affects not only him, but sasuke (not in the way most sasuke stans say, i.e. not thinking of sasuke as a person. wanting to control him, etc. but in the way of.. sasuke give up your anger like me and return to the village, lets move on together), sasuke gives into the forgetting and forgiving aspect naruto falls into in the waterfall of truth. 

anyway tldr; to answer your question i definitely think these are flaws that are never addressed but instead are disguised as narutos positive aspects in regards to the narrative and direction kishi went in. allowing naruto to grow past these would’ve made a more compelling and less depressing arc than the one we got. but ultimately it falls into kishis themes of the village > everything

[dilfhakyeon-moved]

I wrote about death and Love

Just trying something out, not anything fandom-related ( or you can imagine it so if you want, but... that’s gonna be hard maybe lmao my mind went to at least three different fandoms while writing it and only one would maybe be fitting, but there’d be no characters for it except one )

Maybe I caught some of that Halloween spirit yeet yeet !

It’s set in a sort of fantasy setting if it can help understand why it can seem so,, heartless. and like. “we won’t do anything to help u”. it’s bc they Can’t bc they Don’t Know what to Do

there’s also a lot of confusion. that’s normal. i write like i’m writing a script for a film so don’t worry abt it if u don’t understand shit it’s bc i visualise everything and then i write it down without thinking about how shitty it will look hsfjdkhd

TW: death, sort of graphic description of stuff that’s kinda not cool ?, also stuff about someone who kinda goes so obsessed she can’t recognise reality I don’t know really but it’s macabre and depressing idk why I wrote that maybe it’s vent but idk why I’d write that to vent !! just. hm

Frozen. Here she lied ; was this truly her peace ? It couldn’t be. If herself wasn’t in peace, how could this bruised, cold skin and these pale, glassy eyes reflect any ? Glassy, they were. She was afraid of looking too long into them, might she see her own reflection in these gruesome mirrors. They were the mirrors of someone’s soul, once.

Tears fell next to them. She stood. A few seconds of reflection before a foggy breath left her, and she was kneeling back down.

Her frail hands were shaking as she took her cloak off, a deaf sob barely reaching her own ears as she carefully placed it on the other figure, covering shoulders and chest. She wished she could see her chest heave just another time.Not another time. More. She wished to see her blink, her eyes giving her stern but affectionate glare again ; she yearned to watch her as she took the cloak off and sat up, offering her a reassuring smile, and she stood, trying to rearrange her messy clothes ; she needed to see her move, as her skirt twirled around and her rare, but bright laughter seemed to echo comfortingly. Hearing her again. Feeling her breath and her gaze, and her words shooting through her mind in the worst ways, her fingers grazing her skin and sending a shiver down her spine. She wasn’t alone, she was fine.

Except she wasn’t. And she was alone, in her little world of fiction she was creating for herself - but in reality, there was no way she could be alone in such a place. However, the world around her had stopped existing, and soon, perhaps she would too. Only perhaps. Nothing in her seemed to show an ounce of concern over that, she hadn’t realised it yet. She wouldn’t realise it. Her mind was making her stare at saliva dripping from the mouth. A detail, but it hadn’t moved in hours at least. It was stuck, like stuck in time. But it wasn’t time, it was the cold. Time never truly stopped, only in people’s imagination.

Her fingers held a tighter grip over the cloak’s fabric, but one of them soon moved to rest on the body’s cold cheek. Colder than her own skin ; her body wanted to gasp, but didn’t have the strength to do so. Frozen.

“... out of here.”

The world still existed.

“Quick, get her out of here ! I won’t repeat myself a third time,” a harsh voice rang out, strong enough to wake her up. “If you leave her to die, I’ll make sure you meet the fate you deserve.”

She didn’t try to stand. She knew they were talking about her. They were always so careful, weren’t they... So caring. Her dark eyes narrowed. She slowly let herself rest on top of that body she cherished so much, closing her eyes - she felt herself go. Hands grabbed her shoulders and forcefully dragged her, she wasn’t nearly conscious enough to feel it. Her betrothed, dancing in a field, the war was over ; they laughed together. What war ? What was war ? Foreign... She laughed. The soldiers were distraught, but kept leading her away. Failing their mission meant death, especially with the war happening all around them. But she was so happy, in her field, with her loved one who’d never truly returned it, but love was blind, and love wasn’t perfect, and it wasn’t as happy and beautiful as her grandmother’s tales had told her in such sweet lies. And she’d lied to herself. Love was beautiful.

They thought otherwise. Love was cold, and unforgiving. Love was made of stone, and breaking a person’s mind aroused Him in terrible, depraved ways. They’d been a victim of Him, just like the person they loved ; she’d succumbed, they stood their ground. They had to. They had to face Love, this merciless demon who couldn’t get enough of shattering every remaining piece of humanity in them. They endured the pain. Someone had to beat Love.

Up. Awake. Her eyes opened. The same ceiling made of stones... She was home. What relief. Minutes passed, then she moved. Stood from her bed, despite her leg giving in. She was standing ; she believed she was standing. She walked ; her body was crawling, but she was walking. Her entire left leg had lost its function to frostbite, but she believed she could walk. Looked around as she walked through different rooms, her smile constantly growing. She was home ! She only needed to find the one. 

An endless maze. She never realised it. Everyone else did.

They watched. Everytime she came back to the room they were in, their gaze lowered. After a few hours, they had closed their eyes ; a friend came to check in, asked if all was okay, and was rejected. And once they were alone again, tears fell. Tears fell next to her as she came back, and left them in what they were forced to call “being alone”.

Could they refuse calling it “being alone”, if the only person there was unable to even notice your simple existence ? They were alone.

It stopped after three days.

She was stuck on the floor, laughing hysterically yet so painfully. She hadn’t stood a single time, but this time she was unable to move. All she could do was laugh, and call for her love. She was hungry, she was thirsty, they thought. They’d grown almost indifferent to this miserable, almost pathetic sight. 

[ From the beginning, they’d known it would be yet another dramatic unrequited love story ; they’d sworn they wouldn’t pay too much mind to it. They wouldn’t trap themselves in attachment. Things had turned out in Love’s favour. They’d hated it. They hated Him. They’d hated how He made them feel, as what once had held a soul yearning for justice and truth became a well of insanity and suffering. Her smile had grown so much she didn’t resemble herself anymore.

“A crawlin’ monster on the carpet,” Love’d whispered in His husky, sultry voice, then snickered. “That’s what you’re thinkin’, boy. How could she end up like that ? You could’ve prevented it, nice guy.”

They’d clenched their jaw ; hadn’t responded. She wasn’t a monster ; she was long gone. And they’d never been a boy, nice guy. Love’d never listened, Love loved putting them through this. ]

But it wasn’t working on them anymore. Indifference, as aforementioned - things were easier to handle when their heart wasn’t being put into it. And somehow, Love had stopped tormenting them. All they felt anymore, was pity. There was nothing to be done ; they stayed there by habit. The walls around them didn’t change. The chair they were sitting on was still the same, and the people who bothered bring them some water and food occasionally were always the same.

Their eyes got lost after a few more hours ; as they stopped focusing and eventually fell asleep, she fell into a sleep deeper they’d ever known. Her last words weren’t words, a cry for help. A language they didn’t speak. They heard it in their dream. And as they woke up in the middle of the night, a last gift from Love awaited them : that macabre view. Her eyes still open, her mouth forever shaped into that terrifying grin she’d worn last, and the saliva dripping from her chin.

They stood. Walked closer. Love hadn’t left, just hidden. Maybe Love had won. Maybe they didn’t care anymore. The world seemed to stop existing, as they kneeled next to the body. She was cold, wasn’t she ? They could feel the cold ; their hands were shaking. She must’ve been cold as well. They took their coat off, draped it over her. The door opened, a voice spoke. They heard a scream, but did they really hear it ?

Or, were they stuck in their world where they were alone with their loved one both laughing and dancing in a field, when in reality they were alone without her - and their only company was the fight occurring, as the fortress was being invaded ?

It was likely they were unaware of reality.

Frozen.

Tag list: - @graceful-popcorn - idk who else would wanna be tagged in that tbh dhgkjdg

[vixen-vangogh]

polyvore was being a pain in the ass no matter how many words i tried to censor so here’s the life update i meant to put in that set

- have been living in a somewhat stable housing environment for almost a year and four-ish months now which is WILD and a huge record break for me.

- kind of have a partner? we're def QPPs and have been nomadic vagabond companions since like 2015 and have been sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, making life plans together hardcore since then. when i try to explain our relationship to others i explain that we are like Bert and Ernie from sesame street. it's not romantic but it's definitely a very serious thing and there is nothing i could forsee that would face our future that would not be faced together as companions. i was kind of chatting with a buddy the other day who was asking abt stuff and i was mentioning how an aphobe asked, 'how is this different from a best friendship, why do you need to call it a queerplatonic relationship?' and my instinct was to be all, 'well idk i mean i think most best friends don't stick their tongues in each others mouths' but like that said, some best friends do that and its totally legit but the main difference is we call it this because it is more accurate to the intricacies of our relationship.

a best friendship implies different things and a QPR is what we have been calling ourselves for some time.

- have come across the term alterous attraction many many moons ago and have concluded that more or less, this has been the basis for all the experiences of 'attraction' i have thought i felt in other categories. turns out i just love being pro/miscuous and cuddly and affectionate with people and it doesn't necessarily have to have any of the other attractions present. it's just an expression of my alterous attraction. and idk it just seems to make way more sense. someone said it was a commonplace for pre-questioning lesbians to make up to themselves crushes on boys with calculations involved about why this person is attractive.

i think maybe i do experience other forms of attraction but they're seldom enough that it's more anecdotal. and i'm going to call them crushes anyway bc it doesn't matter what i say or do - people are going to be confused by me and who i am and i shouldn't have to sacrifice the nuances involved in who i am and how i live my life to try and get smaller minds to understand it.

and nobody has to understand either. i don't even understand. that's heckin ok bro

- i've been on them 'ro/ids (testosterone) on and off for three months in spring/summer 2016 (androderm) and then the injections for some amount of time this year and there's been a lot of body changes. but mainly i'm looking at nu/des of other people on hormones and realizing like... what if I'm actually inters/ex? it makes no sense for my di/ck to be bigger than people a year on hormones in half the time, does it? like what's up there? and my body is signif hairier in a way that is noticeable to me and my QPP.

last week when I got the inje/ctio/n the nurse (who is a really nice lady? like smiley very friendly maternal type) asked me "how did you know?" without other context or anything.

I didn't really know how to begin because honestly no one had ever asked me that before and it's the one question I needed somebody else to answer back when I was like, 15/recently 16 and needed help finding myself. I wished future me could visit past me and tell me like, "hey jsyk this is what you concluded, here's the answers, and here's all the stuff I've realized about our past experiences that were actually Signs that you're #genderqueer"

and I think, another thing, I wish I could have told the past me, that the laws were going to rapidly change in my lifetime, and also to avoid any cis person who suggests therapy "for hormone starts" because that's what led me to like, 2 years of rather unhelpful talk therapy that turned into lowkey conversion therapy.

No one should ever make you write a sob story about your past before they allow you the autonomy to make decisions about your body.

I gave a little backstory of timeline and told her how my mom kept saying things like, "why are you so offended at the idea of being a woman?" etc and how we don't speak anymore, how I came out in 2011 and every day for the longest time I had to explain to other trans people who the heck I was. how my nonbinaryness was seen more as a delusion despite the fact that I found the wikipedia pages and message boards and I knew there were other people like me out there. I didn't know of another #nonbinary person until 2013 and even then I only met them in passing at a panel they hosted. (we ended up roommates for a bit around 2016 but that's another story)

I stopped having to give #genderqueer 101s to the LGBT+ community around 2014.

And I feel like after that Laverne Cox paved a lot of way for us, and Facebook started putting other genders on there (which I'd signed petitions for years before and considered to be a hoop dream)

and there's been corrective r/a/pe I've gone through and so many tears I've cried and sui/cide attempted and hospital visits

and things are definitely still horrific and I can never afford groceries. I don't eat enough to sustain myself and live on welfare and am too medicated and disabled to work and have tachycardia and PTSD and other complications of my own forced resilience

but I'm on testosterone or whatever and I look at the changes that have gone on and I know that I was a part of that

but I'm never going to get credit for it and it pains me how much I'm suffering because I started advocating earlier than the majority of trans people out today.

if I had come out to my mom years later, would we be speaking?

it doesn't ultimately matter, because if we kept speaking I still would have ended up d/ead. coming out and having her react like that, topped with her steal/ing from me when I was homeless, years of sui/cide baiting, physical + emotional + etc a/buse my whole life, it's miraculous I ever made it out alive

it's so painful but I just have never had the privilege of choice.

- I've been thinking to go back to school maybe and that I need to actually go at it full force with passion because I think I have gotten way too down on myself for the results that have come from my own halfa/ssery of it all. And my own procrastination etc.

I wish I had access to medical care as a child or counselling or something more than I ever did have because maybe I would have excelled in school instead of suffered to try and keep my head above water. I mean, I graduated honours (equivalent).

there's too much about my life to be angsty about.

- also idk if i mentioned this but i got ar/rested for protecting indigenous folks at a thing and it was in the news and im not going to talk much more on it bc of privacy but i'm happy to dig up the video of the pol/ice dragging me away and the crowd shouting (and gendering me right ;u;) "LET THEM GO, LET THEM GO" and i was a pathetic mess thru the whole thing and just had the wrong emotions the whole time and like 3+ reporters tried to get a hold of me for interview but I forwarded them to the indigenous leaders of the ceremony instead

we prayed inside the arre/st tent and put down tobacc/o and held ceremony and the c/ops were horrible and took so much personal offence to everything we were and every reality that happened that they wanted to deny. they banned us from the public land we were arrested on and it was horrible.

it was in the news and justin tr*deau showed up for a photo op and the organizers weren't allowed in their own tipi. he wasn't invited.

those with the land claim to the area made an official statement welcoming us and condemning the go/vernme/nt for arrestin/g us.

nothing was ever done about that bit other than them releasing us and i went to the hospital the next day to get my wrist checked because i couldn't really use it and the handcuf/f bruises and the bruise on my knee was massive. it's been two months and it's only now faded.

twitter blocked the image of us in the a/rrest tent holding hands in prayer with the hand/cuffs on our wrists. they said it contained "sensitive content"

tumblr did the same, calling it "NSFW" (weird bc literally photographs of my actual na/ked body with links to where u can buy videos of me jerkin is not labelled NS/FW automatically lol?????)

i asked tumblr to review that and they still labelled it as such.

it's just so blatantly a genuine broach of free speech and freedom of religion. it was a crimi/nalized religious ceremony and i got between the co/ps and a woman praying.

- i saw Against Me! in march and the mosh pit was extreme and I fell down at some point and like seven people pulled me up and that and the getting arre/sted thing has really hecked up my knees ! i feel like they're mostly healed since but i've not even been kneeling on my mattress for even a second to make sure of this. otherwise it's just been sudden pain for months but as i said, i think they're a lot better now.

- i came forward abt a pr/edatory ex and a few others of their victims came to me to say that they had gone through the same and that they were even more pre/datory than had been with me. i lost quite a lot of friends in the matter bc what i accused them of was extremely serious and came across as vicious on my part.

i'm going to take it as alright though, because i know that i've put what i said out there, and if they have read it at all, they can at least have these ideas in their mind going forward and take precautions. this ex was confronted publically and directly on social media about it and there were several witnesses and screenshots i had to things they did and said. i'm hoping that serves as some kind of warning for them, about their actions that they have confessed to with several people, and how these things will come back for them. that they cannot evade accountability, that i am a force of nature and if you wrong me or do a wrong in my witness with no remorse on your part or apology, i'm not going to let you live it down.

i care and i am tired of hearing horrible stories about them from others. others who came to me saying that i had been painted as an abus/er. because i know ! people see me standing up for myself as threatening all the time. they worry they aren't allowed to make mistakes around me.

no matter how many times i say it or prove it, there's always those people who are too cowardly to admit when they do make mistakes and who go to great lengths to protect their pride and entitlement.

i know we are all growing. i seek environments of mutual support and growth. i am now in a phase of life where i am not giving the time to people who have no interest in these environments. anyone can be my friend, if they are ready for it. but i don't owe it to anybody and anything wrong i have done i am at a point where i feel like i am in touch with my own humility.

and if someone tries to milk it because they think my vulnerability isn't also strength and something that comes with at least some ferocity... well, that's not my problem.

- my rabbit Snicklefritz is doing fine. he's shedding like the dickens this season and mischievous as usual but hopefully one day I can afford to make him an enclosure again and I can let him out only when I can keep track of him.

he's ruined a lot of sketchbooks and a lapdesk my QPP got me for the winter holidays that we are both heartbroken about.

- I am trying to become less attached to material belongings and it has helped me a lot when it comes to coping with all the sentimental items left with my mother or in the various times I've been homeless or left exes etc over the years.

My memories are in my heart and not something that needs to be placed externally, in an item.

Have also trying to go zero waste (like, becoming someone who produces no garbage, just recycling and compost) and it's really been noticeable all these small differences. I buy way more bananas, lettuce, etc. And I've been making bread and spaghetti and whatnot and having windowsill gardens.

- I'm not cured of anything or whatever and I'm angsty 24/7 and broke as heckaroo but there's enough of The Little Things In Life (gardening, youtube videos, kisses, etc) to help me get by in the meantime.

- three days ago a friend (who I consider(ed) chosen family) I had purposefully cut out of my life a year ago showed up on my doorstep to tell me I was right about everything and to apologize for all the wrongs. That they reread conversations we had around then and that they have grown and grown into a better place. They were 18 then and 19 now. We were from the same hometown and they're still there but moving to my city in December. I missed them so much and they stayed with me a few days. I feel a bigger sense of home in this city knowing they're going to live here soon too.

- I've been Really Intensely looking thru my DNA and geneology stuff since last winter. For some reason Indian (like, South Asia) shows up in my DNA and some southern Europe/Northern Africa/Middle East kind of region. My father was adopted via a stepdad and I figure this comes from his bio dad. Or maybe it doesn't, I don't really know. My maternal haplotype is supposed to be one that's generally found in African populations which throws that whole theory. My mom and me also had to use hair picks (afro picks) when I was growing up because our hair was so naturally thick and the waves really tangled up. Every time we went to get my hair cut in that white rural town the hairdressers would comment how they'd never seen such thick hair before etc. I'm still struggling greatly to find answers because everybody's last name is phoenetically weird except for my dad's mom's line which has an extremely Cornwall last name and anyone with that name is definitely part of that family.

Doing research to find what I was told growing up (that I was Kanien'keha:ka via my maternal grandmother's grandmother) has been very difficult because I'm not sure which grandmother of hers it was, and one of them seemed to remarry several times and I cannot be sure of any of the surnames being a maiden name. It's also really hard to know what the spelling was supposed to be because it was written phoenetically. But I think that one's likely English anyway. The other one I haven't reached yet but my grandmother's father's father seemed to be from a Metis community outside a reserve where I remember being told we had ancestors. It seems we're descendants of some really famous anglo Metis folk. I've not figured out the specific links to lock the names all into place properly in my family tree but it's the surname and the small community that are an exact match and on the message boards.

It's a lot to think about. I've been struggling with my racial identity for a long time and regardless of nuances and ethnic identity I feel like I'm just doing this research to seem special or more interesting or to branch out my activism. DNA is not ever going to tell me who my ancestors were, just the locations a small handful of random specific ancestors lived. Family trees are going to help, but they're not going to help me too much as someone who doesn't actually have blood family I'm in contact with really.

I might see if I can get in touch with an older cousin I have on Pinterest because she seemed to be the only one (besides my younger cousin) who really ever sent me vaguely kind gestures after I came out. She was the only one who seemed to be supportive when I did my grandma's eulogy. (Aside from my sibling who went up with me. But I don't speak to my sibling for other reasons.)

I have a paternal cousin as well but we're more half-cousins as my dad's mom had a few different men in her life and I don't actually know if he does have full bio-siblings. I don't really know if it's worth it to reach out to her because with all the technicalities and separations and adoptions and half-relatives I don't know whether I can ask her to ask around, or if I can just ask her, or what.

Anyway whatever it's just easiest to explain my ethnicity as being Metis because talking with others and stuff it seems like maybe this is the best way to label myself, to explain my complicated history and acknowledge that my blood ties are not what makes me me, but rather my ethnic ties. I have traditions and beliefs and ancestors I'm reconnecting with and trying to find.

Not all my ancestors were great people. But it is interesting as heck to learn about them. (Especially seeing pictures and some of the weirder resemblances from like, 5th great grandparents.)

Also one of my greats of grandparents crossed the US-Canada border several times in his life and near the end of them the border agent wrote "seems odd" on the thing and I haven't found any explanation for why he was crossing the border either lol which is pretty dang interesting imo.

- anyway idk I think I'm good ?? have been getting a lot of new interests and hobbies lately which feels good, feels right

i'm getting muscles because of them hormones and probably eating healthier or whatever and drinking more water and just livin life as best i can

could use some more dollars however but what can u do when welfare doesn't go up to match minimum costs of living haha :)