#its about to be christmas and andy STILL ISNT MY BOYFRIEND

[boltcestr]

merry christmas eve freaks/outoflove

[fuckthisblog]

this year

january - brain death, spray painting, dating connor

february - brain death, got a new cat, dating connor

march -visited zoe, felt normal, came home, cried for 2 weeks straight still not sure why, fell in love with connor, went to Ri w him, brain death is way better

april -dog sitting, connor breaks up w me, brain death is basically all better but now just sadness, kinda wish brain was still dead

may -  constantly numb, eating crepes in bed and hating myself, finals, loneliness, telllng syd we cant live together anymore, stayed at parents house, hooked up w that kid cliff who was a piece of shit

june - manic, fucked cliff like one more time, went out w brooke to bars, attempt at normalcy w now (slightly) functioning brain, madly in love w connor, friends w him, started walking G daily, spray painted another circle nature girl, went to cambridge dance party w Norman (seriously, very manic), i think this is when connor slaps me?

july - dissociate and sleep w viktor and havent spoken to him since (literally i cant reply) and feel like a piece of shit about it still, spend the (next night) 4th on the roof w syd, manic, drinking a lot, start dating Elle (so manic srsly), stillllll in love w connor, still sleeping w him (Elle and I are poly so it cool but nvr told her so idk), Daisy dies on the 24th, connor helps me through it, basically come out to dad tho on the 19th and it is good

august - interviews w new roomie Andy, move in early, shit is good, fail completely at moving out and parents have to do it for me, got a new job helping Heather n quit within a week, actually normal and not manic or depressed, SO MUCH ART, my art, new good type of art w the circles and on big pieces of wood, drinking a lot, park night w connor on the 13th (before moving out officially so that was later), so in love w him, its really the whole year up til now even so lets just keep assuming that

september - school, maxs housewarming party on the 16th where i sob cause didnt get into a bar lmao, dont remember if i was already sleeping w mike in august but def am in september i believe, king richards fair, back to school, deciding on being a nurse, mary & g playdates, bonding w max, get to spend lots of time w mary cause she basically lives w me, andy moves her boyfriend in, max tells her not to smoke, shit gets dramatic, birthday is terrible, i drink and cry and paint and spend the actual day in a dissocaited haze, but parents r super helpful which makes it all ok because progress

october - school, got new job doing web design @ spa, manic-esque, connor john n i see lil peep, weird things w me n john, dont wanna talk about it ever 

november, school, job, manic-esque still, meet asa tho so confidence is apparently up, idk tired but ok, get tablet, start making more art, hang and bond w aunt sue,  that hang sesh w connor that makes my heart ache because too much love, ridiculous sex w the red light in the shower, sigh, also lil peep dies & i drop a class cause teacher is ridiculous, get hotel room for no reason & connor dissapoints (manic esque behavior), weirdly ghost work intentionally/unintentionally, start looking to move out cos shits dramatic but it causes my brain to peace tf out into manic territory, spend way too much money & dont do enough school work

december - momos birthday (shadi ditches, but otherwise fantatsic and bond w momo so much), art art art, weird trauma, matress shopping w nora, good hangs w max and his brother, snow, buy a bunch of new rings for myself, finals, then processing trauma trauma trauma, but brain isnt broken thank god for lamictal, but i do dissociate for like 2 weeks and fail math, christmas is awesome, new tablet, bonding w fam, amazing sesh w dr.p, max is moving out, im on break and now we’re in the present

the actual contents of the months dont matter that much (@ future self) just look at the amount of feeling in the rest of the year compared to the first few months. the reaction to those drugs was so intense and you’ll probably never feel that way again, but everything else, even sadness, is so much better than that brain death. reading it, it seems weirdly negative, but the progress and ability to claw your way upward is fantastic. i love u self. props to surviving this year. i know you didnt think you would for a long time.